Or, imagine how arrogant you must be to audition for the role of legal representative of all attractive girls. Or, maybe people who happen to be very beautiful can't help but notice that they are.
whatsmyageagain You need to get some good dress pants. On a 10 minute target run once, I grabbed the first pair of dress pants i saw (was late for a band concert) and it happens to be the best fitting and nicest material pants I have every worn.
@Ahmed Kirkuk Eh not really. Gotta consider when this video was made, video games isn't as widely accepted as it is today. Games were considered nerdy male thing.
@@consideringorthodoxy5495 This is dated, don't wear dress pants in public when you're not at work, it's weird. Wear well fitted jeans or 5" inseam shorts. The jeans should preferably be light washed or black depending on the outfit.
@Bruce Wayne I'll thank you not to lump in everyone from the "millennial generation " in the same group with eachother much less with gen z. I personally haven't a damn thing in common with a single person from either of those groups and I'm almost 26,not everyone from that time is the same believe it or not. I hate the fuck nugget bitch baby snowflakes as much as anyone if not more. And honestly I'm tired of people assuming all are the same because some of us are better than that bullshit. Sincerely a nearly 26 yr old male who wishes he was born 20 years earlier. Because I get along better with people who are between 40 to 70.
Why would you ask that union for advice though? They have no experience requiring negotiations and they have a vested interest in Mike continuing to fuck up
@@nachoalfonso2614 I've never been divorced, don't drink often, think women are great, and have no opinion on supercar maintenance... Sorry if that hit a little too close to home for you 😉
Another good option is the attractive, but mildly unstable girls union. They offer a lot of the same benefits, but are a little more open to negotiation.
yeah we're looking at a 3 point crawl in the pussy index and then a sudden and mass market panic for no discernible reason, followed by ovary hyperinflation, followed by a deep deep depression that further devalues the stock he has in that old beat up miata he lent to her that she crashed into her ex boyfriends living room... also as we know dealing with the unstable girls union generally requires a worldwide, non transferrable exclusive license to threaten to kill themselves any time he looks at another girl, which is severely limiting to any upward mobility for mike greenman in the near future, especially when she cuts off his downward mobility by slashing his tendons and then kissing him frantically and saying she did it because she loves him as she blocks him from trying to call the hospital.
Unfortunately, they’ve also shut Greenman out. Apparently they’re just sane enough to realize they’re out of his league. Also, they’re more into the “bad boy who becomes dangerous man” type.
The "slightly over-weight, frizzy haired girls union or the insecure ugg boot over jeans girls union it would be enough, but the attractive girls union is very powerful" bit is just so good. The way he emphasizes very. He sounds identical to a news reporter talking about actual unions
Fake news, I've been trying to make contact with the slightly overweight frizzy hair girls union for years and their standards have gotten exponentially higher as their relative net worth increases along with the popularity of the third meme. In addition their local branch is nearly devoid of members and they near universally dislike cycling, which majorly devalues my main offering of having like, really strong thighs.
I know many girls don't like guys who play video games a lot but invite them over for a game of minecraft or two and i sure bet you guys will have lots of fun
@@thomashawkins6154 i mean, isn't that the point of video games? To have fun? Though of course wasting all of your life on videogames and not living an active life is a whole different story
I don't know about that. The better clothes clause was extremely vague. He should get his lawyer to schedule a meeting in order to clarify the wording of that contract.
@Knight-Sgt. Reyes It's only with regards to conversation pieces. Though the AGU does not actively recognize videogames as a right at the table conversation table, they do recognize is essential nature for the ABA (Attractive Boy's Association) UABA, and OBA, as well as all functioning associations under the MAAOA (Male Awesome Associacion of Overarching Awesomeness)
@@mohamedabdourahman9845 they do not say that he is not allowed to talk about these topics, they only criticise that these are the only topics he talks about. Offering discussion on a wide range of topics would facilitate the situation ...
I can't believe The Onion has under two million subscribers after being on UA-cam this long and being so huge... what gives? These videos are gold, better than SNL, better than most sketch comedy and yet somehow they've gone unseen.
As a spokesperson of the small men-below-average-height union, I am once again announcing our willingness to collaborate with the women-above-average-height union. We still think this pact is in the interest of both of us and could benefit both our current status greatly.
as an active member of the women above average height union and head of the press office I can agree that our past collaborative efforts have been successful and we are open to further collaborations in the near future
@@aprilshowers3246 this is sooo true!! forget about dated conventional attractive standards- a really successful dynamic is the short king with adorably charming and funny mannerisms teaming up with the endearing cool mommy energy from the tall girlies
As a long-time Below Average Height union member, I can report that I am in a rewarding long-term contract with a member of the Fairly Attractive Asian Girls union. My offer of a COLA clause clinched the deal.
Very true. According to their memo, they're willing to enter an agreement with anyone who has at least $100 of disposable income and lives close to anime merch shop, or has an Amazon account. However, I've heard that making deals with them often shuts down any potential for negotiation with the other unions, so it's best used as a last resort.
However it's noteworthy that Mr. Greenman's conversation topics consist solely of video games, the NY Giants, and his job at Barnes and Noble, so it seems in order to open up diplomatic relations with the Anime Body Pillow Union he will definitely have to develop a weird fetish for something. This condition is by far the most important sine qua non for basic negotiations to begin, and even then I feel Mr. Greenman's mental state has not deteriorated to the state at which he can stay with the ABPU for long.
As the legal representative of the Insecure-Ugg-Boots-over-Jeans-Girls-Union, I am pleased to announce that the board has agreed to accept Mr. Greenman's terms if he is willing to provide any modicum of attention and does not spend longer than two days to reply to our texts.
Jade Lin Lee Chen thank you, your willingness to do business at a minor loss initially is the sign of success in the post 2020 bargaining forum. You will be rewarded with a reliable representative and significant ROI in due time.
My data analytics specialist has projected a teetered forecast of substantial ups and downs followed by "its time to talk'. The new safety protocols are really locking things up downtown. This new Red Tape lobby is anything but topless, and thats the bottom line.
@@DirtyPrancing Exactly: If men's counsel tell them negotiations with any girls union will end at a specified time and not go on until the death of one of the parties to the contract, then their professional competencies should be questioned
To be fair, the AGU struggles on conversation beyond babies they saw, that party they went to, local hookup gossip, work, and some shitty memes they saw on Instagram. Mike Greenman's best option here is to develop a hobby AGU members are vaguely familiar with, and then attempt to teach it to them in a one-on-one setting, whereby AGUs will feign an extreme dexterity deficit.
@ZechsMerquise73 I've literally never heard 2 human females have a conversation with each other about anything other than each other's personal lives. if they talk about movies/shows they watch, its only ever about which guys are attractive, nothing about the plot or anything. they can talk about other things WITH guys but, never with each other.
"nice guys" are a part of human culture. They're are documents that suggests that the AGU member Carmen was already confronted with a "nice guy" called José more than hundred years ago.
This is extremely controversial. As a member of the Slightly Overweight Frizzy-haired Girl's Union, I can assure everyone that the very miniscule concessions Mike has made would do very little in the way of negotiation. In addition, Greg from the Mail Room winked at us last week and he's much taller and less chubby than Mike. Also, his car starts on the first try, we've heard it.
While negotiating with different unions is always a smart move, Greg from the Mail Room already partnered with the Attractive Girls Union, and considering current trends, that is unlikely to change.
Due to union laws that some have been calling to revoke, unions can only effect a leadership merger with a single other union at a time. This unfortunately means that, at the present, trade deals with other, "taken" unions will be severely restricted and unsatisfying for the untaken party.
what's with the car thing tho. did you muricans really lack of new car that heavy maintenance is sexy ? i mean, I've heard that you guys like to buy second hands or even third ones. never thought it'll be a part of the culture or even humour
@@rafaeterna1081 Like anywhere, having a car is a status symbol, and a very basic one here. If your car doesn't start, it's not the vehicle being second or third hand that makes it questionable, it's the fact you have a car that is of poor quality. It is embarrassing for your car not to start, except for the reason of needing a jump.
Has SOF-HGU considered Andrew, a waiter at Applebees? Although we do not know much about him, he has been very nice. He's given us full attention when taking our order, smiled, touched our shoulder, and even winked at us once. This earned him a nice tip, but should we also give him our number?
Frizzy hair comes from 2 things: dryness and breakage. Use heat protector when u apply heat and don't brush ur hair when it's wet. Use a hair oil (coconut, rosemary, argan, are the more popular choices) -From a former member of Guys with Frizzy Hair Union and now a member of Guys with Soft Wavy Hair Union
Absolutely brilliant script. The arbitrator last line was the best, ".. its been going on for Mike's entire life right now and there is really no reason to believe it will change."
woah dude I mean a full beard is cool and all but I don't think the AGU would find a neckbeard that attractive, however a compromise might be to grow his mustache more so he can pull off a Gordon Freeman look.
@@somkeshav4143 By "full beard" I mean a standard beard, neatly trimmed (including the neck), not just a douchy little goatee. Not one of those ludicrous "prospector" or "lumberjack" beards that are trendy nowadays. Also, if Mike spends his whole life kow-towing to AGU sanctions, he's going to be miserable.
@Yellowblanka think it suits him hypothetically speaking should he get ur definiton of a standard beard? Usually someone has a certain look to pull it off.....
Getting really tired of everyone commenting the same shit. They hear 'incel' or 'redpill' once and keep babbling over and over again. Get a fucking clue.
That was my thought from just the title, but it kept getting more and more specific, even down to the "a nice guy, unlike most of the douchbags...". This is gold.
No. This is what those dorks would be like in a kinder world - able to laugh at themselves and the foibles of humanity and dating the way the rest of us do. Approaching life with humor, not bitterness.
An undisclosed source close to Mr. Greenman has indicated that he has signed a contract with the Bi-curious Guys Willing to Try Anything Once Union that includes a strict non-disclosure agreement.
I love how all of the characters are perfect generalizations of the people they're meant to represent. It's amazingly accurate for the time this was made. 😆
Purple Edge Makes me realize that I need to check my privilege for being over 6 feet tall and doing a physical job for a living that still pays well. I’ve never really been to a gym in my life (always physically active however), and a guy like Mike probably puts in more of an effort than I do into physical appearance, but I could probably still beat Mikes ass, and that is what separates me from my Mike by simple genetics. Sorry Mike.
@@Saixjacket "a physical job for a living that still pays well" What are you, a geoscientist or something? I've tried my hand on carpentry a few years back, and the pay is somewhat stable if you're smart with your finances, it's just exhausting AF.
They're protesting his personality, not really his looks. the looks bit is in regards to adding on the dumpster fire, but it wouldnt be offensive if he behaved normally
For some people it’s like, they’re never going to see you again so why not take a shot? I hit on the girl at the storage place the other day, I didn’t particularly care about it because if she responds well, fine, if not, no big deal here is my money to store my stuff in a rectangle.
This stuff is great !! I didn't realize I've been living under a rock my whole adult life. This interweb (& The Onion) are spectacular. PTO today and tomorrow for an Onion binge.
As a representative of the freaky metal-chicks union, I've been authorized to announce that we WILL be open to negotiations with Mr. Greenman if he grows his hair out and learns to play guitar.
revelwoodie Mr Greenman unfortunately committed suicide after his 1000th attempt at negotiations failed swiftly leaving him with virtually zero realistic hope for happiness in the future.
Cannot comply to hair standards, the oil build up is unnecessary and uncomfortable. Perhaps a compromise then, do pecs and large muscles sound like worthwhile concessions? Also, Saxophone, no string instruments.
This is a great take on a real problem in America. I’ve seen plenty of people who think as long as a man is nice to a woman she is expected to be interested in him.
I gave up on the AGU and went into negotiation with the NGNDU (Nice Girl Next Door Union). I found one that would enter into talks and after several high level meetings, she is now my wife.
IMO the NGNDU are just as attractive without the "I'm all that" attitude. They are difficult to find as they tend not stand out. They are often at the back of the club or hanging out with their friends. You have to be careful in your approach. If you move too fast like trying to grind on the dance floor, they will be gone. You can make a innocent joke to break the tension. If she accepts your offer to have further communication, take it slow. If she goes on a conference with you, don't try to score. You have to get to know her.
collective bargaining only works when you have something the other side wants. Most women these days are better off single than being partnered with available men, a condition that's only likely to broaden and deepen in future years.
Independent analysis shows any new incel company would not contain the fundamental value that is the basis for negotiations with any of the unions: the potential of any position at an *attractive* company.
set aside the pure gold that is the allegory that the plot is based on, the actors' subtle yet remarkably effective additions, such as talking over the last second of each others' sentences and the general facial expressions they seamlessly import from actual news commentators-- this whole video is literally *too good* for UA-cam
As a bargaining director for their sister union AGGU (Annoying Gay Guys’ Union) im announcing that we will be walking with the AGU should negotiations cool and call for labor action
Reliable sources suggest Mike Greenman is currently stuck in a vicious cycle where his lack of real life interpersonal skills is causing him to use the videogames as a form of escapism but since all he knows to talk about is videogames it simply reinforces his existing defecit of populairity. Experts theorise if he were to aquire new hobbies or at minimum listen to non-videogame based podcasts it might broaden the range of conversation topics he could offer to the Attractive Girls Union but testimony from Mike's only friend suggests chances of this outcome are slim to none.
Pros & Cons for Mike. Pro = A hell of a lot of very sexy attractive girls know who you are. Con = They couldn't give a rats ass about whether you live or die. I'm sure that the reporter asking the attractive spokeswoman was in fact Mike Greenman in disguise..
They are unfortunately majority anti-union due to monthly membership costs that cut into expenditure on cosmetics and apparel such as various shades of blue and black eyeliner along with custom fitted lace undergarments
TJ Strong For me, if a woman has a problem with my lack of tattoos, it’s not hard to tell how hard it was for them to scrap together money to get whatever amount of them they have. It’s like, I could put my whole body in a sleeve if I felt like it, but if you want to scrap together $3000 for a back piece over five years, that’s cool too I guess.
Wow, eerily prophetic. The sad thing is that in the years since this we have had attacks on women and even murders by guys like this, using this same argument.
The Nice Guys Union's attempt at creating a physical agreement with the Attractive Girls Union once again negotiates into a binding friends-zone contract.
Ah the old bait-and-switch. I always tell my buddies, take a hard look at the contract fine print before agreeing to it. Look for indicators such as MPD (Minimum Physical Distance) Requirements (the higher that is, the further you're in the friend-zone and any moves can be litigious), Reasons for Contact clauses (if the contact is occasional and only for specific directed purposes/aid requests, you know where you are), etc. A Costs/Deductibles Clause that stipulates that both parties 'go Dutch' is an unclear sign in these modern times however, so don't just base understanding on that. And if you get an Additional Physical Benefits clause that allows for MPD reqs to be negated occasinally, jump on that like a life raft. That's extremely rare, almost impossible to find.
Reasons cited include the unwillingness of the Nice Guys Union to actively do good instead of simply patting themselves on the back for being too passive to be assholes.
The new-found wikileaked attractive girls union secret documents of Just Be Born Attractive has caused a great controversy inside the nice guys union and as a result the union has already broken down into different extremist splinter groups.
RichardZERO who would you rather take care of you? an amateur with no rhythm or a sexy experienced friend who knows just what you like and can keep excellent rhythm?
Imagine how flattering it must have been to be cast as the legal representative of all attractive girls
Goatee guy.. Mike Greenman has a goatee.. Holy shit its Mike Greenman 12 years later still trying to get with the AGU!
Bunnies Kitties lmao that was exactly what I was thinking😂😂
She looks like a more attractive version of Ivanka.
Or, imagine how arrogant you must be to audition for the role of legal representative of all attractive girls. Or, maybe people who happen to be very beautiful can't help but notice that they are.
@@jaspermay5813 It's not arrogant at all. She is very beautiful and it's okay if she is aware of that. More power to her.
I love how the attractive girls union gave actually good advice for like 90% of single dudes.
I also feel personally attacked.
whatsmyageagain You need to get some good dress pants. On a 10 minute target run once, I grabbed the first pair of dress pants i saw (was late for a band concert) and it happens to be the best fitting and nicest material pants I have every worn.
The “staring for 30 minutes until he comes over to complement their shoes” hits too close
@Ahmed Kirkuk Eh not really. Gotta consider when this video was made, video games isn't as widely accepted as it is today. Games were considered nerdy male thing.
@@consideringorthodoxy5495 This is dated, don't wear dress pants in public when you're not at work, it's weird. Wear well fitted jeans or 5" inseam shorts. The jeans should preferably be light washed or black depending on the outfit.
@@eyalgreen8285 I will admit, it is out of place. But we can change that.
"5-6 push ups per night and plans to start jogging soon"
Holy hell, I just realized I might be Mike Greenman.
@Aquatic Ape not yet im getting there, see they at least acknowledge his existence
@@hydrogenmissle Big oof
I think we have all been Mike Greenman at one time or another
Do them in the morning, it will wake you the fuck up better than coffee
You fuck up everything, why do you even try? 🤣🤣 poor mike.
"He must also commit to a censure of laughing at his own jokes."
"Hard bargain there."
I almost doubled over
Odds are you're an Onion Writer and/or Mike Greenman
So you quartered over? Or you thought about doubling over, but then decided against it? Can we get a clarification?
@@path1024 nerd
@MomPickMeUpImScared-st4wi I can’t express how much I love this comment.
@@Omnihilo it's gone
"How do you respond to the new pants Mike Greenman is wearing today?"
"We have not noticed them."
LMAOO
Dang! That was harsh. Poor Mike.
at least mike greenman took a stock in a JMU (kidding we love u)
@@mr.fodder7260 what the fuck why is everyone finding me
I don't even play smash bruh
@@skylarfox_bmb rivals gang
“Awful high school play mercifully interrupted by school shooting”
I like your profile pic
Dark humor is best humor!
lmao accurate
Bruce Wayne school shootings are a meme in america. they're pretty funny
@Bruce Wayne I'll thank you not to lump in everyone from the "millennial generation " in the same group with eachother much less with gen z. I personally haven't a damn thing in common with a single person from either of those groups and I'm almost 26,not everyone from that time is the same believe it or not. I hate the fuck nugget bitch baby snowflakes as much as anyone if not more. And honestly I'm tired of people assuming all are the same because some of us are better than that bullshit.
Sincerely a nearly 26 yr old male who wishes he was born 20 years earlier. Because I get along better with people who are between 40 to 70.
The Attractive Rich Guys Union is offering advice: "Just be yourself, lol."
Why would you ask that union for advice though? They have no experience requiring negotiations and they have a vested interest in Mike continuing to fuck up
The Attractive Rich Guys Union is full men who've been divorced 5 times and just get drunk and complain about women and supercar maintenance.
@@thomastmc Projecting much?
@@nachoalfonso2614 I've never been divorced, don't drink often, think women are great, and have no opinion on supercar maintenance... Sorry if that hit a little too close to home for you 😉
Hello fellow Mr Warcraft 3 man.
I like to imagine that Mike was one of the writers that everyone decided to roast with this sketch.
Definitely
im thinking its onion initiation
Sketch? This is the real deal.
His name is Michael Pielocik, he wrote the sketch, and that was his picture then, now he evolved from an unsightly goatee to a full beard.
These are real peolpe Real sittiuantions
“It’s been going on for mikes entire life at this point. He just keeps fucking up why does he even try.”
DJ hits the feels
While I thought this was hilarious; unfortunately, this comment is why I wouldn't share with friends and family.
@TheGOPforlife I am just saying; that is unfortunate.
I feel attacked
This is COMEDY GOLD
Another good option is the attractive, but mildly unstable girls union. They offer a lot of the same benefits, but are a little more open to negotiation.
ah, that union will eventually fall into chaos, and you don't want to be a contractor if that happens.
yeah we're looking at a 3 point crawl in the pussy index and then a sudden and mass market panic for no discernible reason, followed by ovary hyperinflation, followed by a deep deep depression that further devalues the stock he has in that old beat up miata he lent to her that she crashed into her ex boyfriends living room... also as we know dealing with the unstable girls union generally requires a worldwide, non transferrable exclusive license to threaten to kill themselves any time he looks at another girl, which is severely limiting to any upward mobility for mike greenman in the near future, especially when she cuts off his downward mobility by slashing his tendons and then kissing him frantically and saying she did it because she loves him as she blocks him from trying to call the hospital.
when the comments start getting personal
sarcastic bowl of cornflakes, story of my life.
Unfortunately, they’ve also shut Greenman out. Apparently they’re just sane enough to realize they’re out of his league. Also, they’re more into the “bad boy who becomes dangerous man” type.
The Onion has better dating advice than almost all serious sources I’ve come across.
Their dating advice is for Chads not average or below men who those women won't ever notice anyway LOL
@@coops1992you really need to see this video lmao
@@coops1992 you really need some help
Get mental health help, work out, be kind but not a pushover, be a gentleman but not expecting anything
"He just keeps fucking up why does he even try?" Delivered with an absolute straight face! Love It!
Most reliable news channel in America
Wilbur Smith Amen.
Ahahaha, that must be horrible
Almost as comical as CNN!!!
By far.
For America... Yeah probably
The "slightly over-weight, frizzy haired girls union or the insecure ugg boot over jeans girls union it would be enough, but the attractive girls union is very powerful" bit is just so good. The way he emphasizes very. He sounds identical to a news reporter talking about actual unions
unions? They still exist?
I didn't know I was a part of the slightly overweight, frizzy haired girls union till your comment. Noice.
In my experience, that union is also very powerfull, it even got more power thanks to the body positivity movement
Fake news, I've been trying to make contact with the slightly overweight frizzy hair girls union for years and their standards have gotten exponentially higher as their relative net worth increases along with the popularity of the third meme. In addition their local branch is nearly devoid of members and they near universally dislike cycling, which majorly devalues my main offering of having like, really strong thighs.
@@keysersoze5032 outside the US they do
I represent the "Bros that only talk about video games" union. We would like to send a formal invitation to Mike.
I know many girls don't like guys who play video games a lot but invite them over for a game of minecraft or two and i sure bet you guys will have lots of fun
@Brian Kristofer Perez I gotta say even if it seems naive to me its awful nice of ya to say that
@@thomashawkins6154 i mean, isn't that the point of video games? To have fun?
Though of course wasting all of your life on videogames and not living an active life is a whole different story
@@abyssmage6979 Good point. I guess it would be for a decent person rather than using them as a cowardly escape sorta thing
@@abyssmage6979 i love playing video games with my partners ❤️❤️❤️ just don’t have a gamer rage
"Attractive girls union is a very powerful union" - Very true.
Arguably the most powerful union in the world.
Who cares now anyway, those girls in the video are now old and wrinkled themselves lol.
@@miamitten1123 There is a sunset clause of about 15 years from legal recognition of adulthood.
They have as much power as you give them
Only for thirty years. Then the world is ours!!!
Rich tall fit older guys union.
I feel like the AGU's demands are fairly reasonable.
as with most union demands
I don't know about that. The better clothes clause was extremely vague. He should get his lawyer to schedule a meeting in order to clarify the wording of that contract.
@Knight-Sgt. Reyes It's only with regards to conversation pieces. Though the AGU does not actively recognize videogames as a right at the table conversation table, they do recognize is essential nature for the ABA (Attractive Boy's Association) UABA, and OBA, as well as all functioning associations under the MAAOA (Male Awesome Associacion of Overarching Awesomeness)
In fairness we all talk about work so Greenman should be able to talk about work
@@mohamedabdourahman9845 they do not say that he is not allowed to talk about these topics, they only criticise that these are the only topics he talks about. Offering discussion on a wide range of topics would facilitate the situation ...
It's been on youtube for 11 years
Why am I only seeing this now?
This is some next level satire.
I wish the onion continues making this gold material
@@LuisSierra42 They have gone to shit a long time ago.
The Onion has gotten too political now
Don't forget to also watch the Brain-Dead Teen video; they aired when that vegetative state controversy was going on.
I can't believe The Onion has under two million subscribers after being on UA-cam this long and being so huge... what gives? These videos are gold, better than SNL, better than most sketch comedy and yet somehow they've gone unseen.
As a spokesperson of the small men-below-average-height union, I am once again announcing our willingness to collaborate with the women-above-average-height union. We still think this pact is in the interest of both of us and could benefit both our current status greatly.
as an active member of the women above average height union and head of the press office I can agree that our past collaborative efforts have been successful and we are open to further collaborations in the near future
@@aprilshowers3246 this is sooo true!! forget about dated conventional attractive standards- a really successful dynamic is the short king with adorably charming and funny mannerisms teaming up with the endearing cool mommy energy from the tall girlies
@@endlessbubblebath love it!
As a long-time Below Average Height union member, I can report that I am in a rewarding long-term contract with a member of the Fairly Attractive Asian Girls union. My offer of a COLA clause clinched the deal.
Indeed, I am in fact a product of one such union alliance.
The fact they're giving him a standoff is respectable.
Yes, it implies that they recognize his existence
I hear the Anime Body Pillow Union is always open to negotiations
Very true. According to their memo, they're willing to enter an agreement with anyone who has at least $100 of disposable income and lives close to anime merch shop, or has an Amazon account.
However, I've heard that making deals with them often shuts down any potential for negotiation with the other unions, so it's best used as a last resort.
It's not like they like you or anything though baka
However it's noteworthy that Mr. Greenman's conversation topics consist solely of video games, the NY Giants, and his job at Barnes and Noble, so it seems in order to open up diplomatic relations with the Anime Body Pillow Union he will definitely have to develop a weird fetish for something. This condition is by far the most important sine qua non for basic negotiations to begin, and even then I feel Mr. Greenman's mental state has not deteriorated to the state at which he can stay with the ABPU for long.
@@sageoftruth The WOO is open to bridging for Mike
"...." emphasized spokespillow Kimiko-tan in a press release earlier today.
As the legal representative of the Insecure-Ugg-Boots-over-Jeans-Girls-Union, I am pleased to announce that the board has agreed to accept Mr. Greenman's terms if he is willing to provide any modicum of attention and does not spend longer than two days to reply to our texts.
Jade Lin Lee Chen thank you, your willingness to do business at a minor loss initially is the sign of success in the post 2020 bargaining forum. You will be rewarded with a reliable representative and significant ROI in due time.
My data analytics specialist has projected a teetered forecast of substantial ups and downs followed by "its time to talk'.
The new safety protocols are really locking things up downtown.
This new Red Tape lobby is anything but topless,
and thats the bottom line.
Agreed. Once the merger is complete, we can use quarterly performance reviews to address the same topics the AGU brought up.
@@DirtyPrancing Exactly: If men's counsel tell them negotiations with any girls union will end at a specified time and not go on until the death of one of the parties to the contract, then their professional competencies should be questioned
And gets rid of that goatee.
0:34 _"Aweful high school play mercifully interrupted by high school shooting."_ These are some genius writers the onion news has.
Imagine applying for playing a member of the the attractive girls union and not getting the role
"Offer conversation outside of video games, his job at Barnes and Noble, and the New York Giants.
I feel personally attacked.
To be fair, the AGU struggles on conversation beyond babies they saw, that party they went to, local hookup gossip, work, and some shitty memes they saw on Instagram. Mike Greenman's best option here is to develop a hobby AGU members are vaguely familiar with, and then attempt to teach it to them in a one-on-one setting, whereby AGUs will feign an extreme dexterity deficit.
@ZechsMerquise73 I've literally never heard 2 human females have a conversation with each other about anything other than each other's personal lives. if they talk about movies/shows they watch, its only ever about which guys are attractive, nothing about the plot or anything.
they can talk about other things WITH guys but, never with each other.
@@adiarratudoumbia3149 Lol! Legit good one
@@adiarratudoumbia3149 lolx2 for repost?
this skit goes too fucking far!
I love the Slightly Overweight Frizzy Haired Girls Union. They've always been very good to me.
That's because they smell like propane!
I personally find what they have on offer much more intriguing than what the Attractive Girls Union chooses to concern itself with.
That said, the Nerdy Girls Union is truly the best one.
Fat girls are like mo-peds. They're fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to see you with one.
ohdogwow2 propane does have a smell, what you smell is put in by man.
I like how 14 years later this is still so relatable
This will ALWAYS be relatable.
I'm knee deep in an Onion hole. All I see is Onions. Everywhere I look, Onions. I must consume more Onions.
get that folic acid Dan
Holy crap this comment is even more hilarious out of context
An average round of SS13
Well onions have layers
I tried to laugh at this, I really did. But all I got is tears.
Awe, poor dude 😅
😆😆😆😆 oh man...you know, this can't be entirely true ... I'm just saying
There there
All this consolation is heartwarming.
everyone gangsta till we realize we are mike greenman in our own different ways
This video addresses the issue of "nice guys" before it even became a big fad on the internet lol
"nice guys" are a part of human culture. They're are documents that suggests that the AGU member Carmen was already confronted with a "nice guy" called José more than hundred years ago.
@@canos9649 true. There is nothing new about that.
you call that a nice guy......
Its called limp dick dudes, nothing new
Elizabeth ***
Look up some “nice guys texts” to see what they mean
You have to admit, Attractive Girl's Union's demands are pretty reasonable
And all of his demands ate ignored? It goes both ways
@@jean-lucpicard5510what are Mr greenman's posted demands
He wants them, not the other way around lol @@jean-lucpicard5510
This is a beautifully crafted video. I think this every time their stuff comes across my dash, but the writers at the Onion are really talented, damn.
“Slightly overweight frizzy haired girls union” I feel attacked LOL
@Th3Aggr3ssiv3 Cons3rvativ3 Dude its a cat, wtf is wrong with you
@Th3Aggr3ssiv3 Cons3rvativ3 you boutta get hacked bouy
What are these comments lmao
Right! 😂😂
Unfortunately you've recently been contacted by the Furry/Weird Fetish Community.
This is extremely controversial. As a member of the Slightly Overweight Frizzy-haired Girl's Union, I can assure everyone that the very miniscule concessions Mike has made would do very little in the way of negotiation. In addition, Greg from the Mail Room winked at us last week and he's much taller and less chubby than Mike. Also, his car starts on the first try, we've heard it.
While negotiating with different unions is always a smart move, Greg from the Mail Room already partnered with the Attractive Girls Union, and considering current trends, that is unlikely to change.
Due to union laws that some have been calling to revoke, unions can only effect a leadership merger with a single other union at a time. This unfortunately means that, at the present, trade deals with other, "taken" unions will be severely restricted and unsatisfying for the untaken party.
what's with the car thing tho. did you muricans really lack of new car that heavy maintenance is sexy ? i mean, I've heard that you guys like to buy second hands or even third ones. never thought it'll be a part of the culture or even humour
@@rafaeterna1081 Like anywhere, having a car is a status symbol, and a very basic one here. If your car doesn't start, it's not the vehicle being second or third hand that makes it questionable, it's the fact you have a car that is of poor quality. It is embarrassing for your car not to start, except for the reason of needing a jump.
Has SOF-HGU considered Andrew, a waiter at Applebees? Although we do not know much about him, he has been very nice. He's given us full attention when taking our order, smiled, touched our shoulder, and even winked at us once. This earned him a nice tip, but should we also give him our number?
I like how the spokesperson for the Attractive Girls Union can’t stop herself from smiling. Hard to get through such a silly script.
"He fks up everything, why does he try anymore"
LOL
"He fucks up everything. Why does he even try anymore."
Wait...
At what point did this stop being lighthearted fiction, and start being about me?
H. G. Wells
Yeah, it really drive it in.
r/suicidebywords
The two aren't mutually exclusive.
Just be the best you that you can be and the right girl will come along.
oof
I appreciate the little nod to the slightly overweight and frizzy haired girls union. We can't all be models!
Ok but can we just talk about how frickn adorable that profile pic is for a sec
Nuff said
Where is your picture from?
Frizzy hair comes from 2 things: dryness and breakage.
Use heat protector when u apply heat and don't brush ur hair when it's wet.
Use a hair oil (coconut, rosemary, argan, are the more popular choices)
-From a former member of Guys with Frizzy Hair Union and now a member of Guys with Soft Wavy Hair Union
Being overweight is usually easy to get rid of
@@himlolo nope, comes down to genetics and psychological factors
Absolutely brilliant script. The arbitrator last line was the best, ".. its been going on for Mike's entire life right now and there is really no reason to believe it will change."
14 year old video and you nailed it. Every line was important. Amazing writing acting and production.
He really should get rid of his goatee though
Big Ray Is why?
@@somkeshav4143 Either grow a full beard or don't bother IMO.
woah dude I mean a full beard is cool and all but I don't think the AGU would find a neckbeard that attractive, however a compromise might be to grow his mustache more so he can pull off a Gordon Freeman look.
@@somkeshav4143 By "full beard" I mean a standard beard, neatly trimmed (including the neck), not just a douchy little goatee. Not one of those ludicrous "prospector" or "lumberjack" beards that are trendy nowadays. Also, if Mike spends his whole life kow-towing to AGU sanctions, he's going to be miserable.
@Yellowblanka think it suits him hypothetically speaking should he get ur definiton of a standard beard? Usually someone has a certain look to pull it off.....
This is how incels view the world.
Amen
Getting really tired of everyone commenting the same shit. They hear 'incel' or 'redpill' once and keep babbling over and over again. Get a fucking clue.
That was my thought from just the title, but it kept getting more and more specific, even down to the "a nice guy, unlike most of the douchbags...". This is gold.
Everyons an incel proove me wrong
No. This is what those dorks would be like in a kinder world - able to laugh at themselves and the foibles of humanity and dating the way the rest of us do. Approaching life with humor, not bitterness.
God these onion videos are all gold, like seriously, every single one I’ve seen is hilarious. Please bring these back
An undisclosed source close to Mr. Greenman has indicated that he has signed a contract with the Bi-curious Guys Willing to Try Anything Once Union that includes a strict non-disclosure agreement.
Onion has most professional actors...
Oh my god the Onion invented the Chad meme format
YEAH I-
For reallll 😭
This whole bit is way ahead of its time
No, they invented the Cody format. Dumb internet virgins turned it into Chad.
@@dylanjulve5374 It wasn't ahead of its time, you're just way behind the times. Ain't nothing new under the sun!
"He fucks up everything, why does he even try anymore?"
Yup, that's me.
I love how all of the characters are perfect generalizations of the people they're meant to represent. It's amazingly accurate for the time this was made. 😆
*_i laughed at first.. but then i realized i'm actually in worse shape than Mike Greenman_*
Purple Edge Makes me realize that I need to check my privilege for being over 6 feet tall and doing a physical job for a living that still pays well. I’ve never really been to a gym in my life (always physically active however), and a guy like Mike probably puts in more of an effort than I do into physical appearance, but I could probably still beat Mikes ass, and that is what separates me from my Mike by simple genetics. Sorry Mike.
Yes!! Same here, but its okay I remembered we can still go out with the slightly overweight frizzly hair girls union
@@Saixjacket "a physical job for a living that still pays well"
What are you, a geoscientist or something?
I've tried my hand on carpentry a few years back, and the pay is somewhat stable if you're smart with your finances, it's just exhausting AF.
Jesus will take away all shame.
They're protesting his personality, not really his looks. the looks bit is in regards to adding on the dumpster fire, but it wouldnt be offensive if he behaved normally
"Once in a dentist office, which is awkward."
I felt that as someone who has been hit on in a dentist office. 😆
"So uhh you have really nice teeth Haha..." 😂
Howdy missy you up for some late night tooth brushing?
Ever been hit on in the comments section of UA-cam? 😉
For some people it’s like, they’re never going to see you again so why not take a shot? I hit on the girl at the storage place the other day, I didn’t particularly care about it because if she responds well, fine, if not, no big deal here is my money to store my stuff in a rectangle.
Was that you?
This stuff is great !! I didn't realize I've been living under a rock my whole adult life. This interweb (& The Onion) are spectacular. PTO today and tomorrow for an Onion binge.
Ohh man..I am being obsessed with this channel...completely changed the definition of comedy...🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
"He fucks up everything, so why even try anymore." Awesome..
As a representative of the freaky metal-chicks union, I've been authorized to announce that we WILL be open to negotiations with Mr. Greenman if he grows his hair out and learns to play guitar.
revelwoodie Mr Greenman unfortunately committed suicide after his 1000th attempt at negotiations failed swiftly leaving him with virtually zero realistic hope for happiness in the future.
That actually worked for my Mike-ish friend in high school.
Cannot comply to hair standards, the oil build up is unnecessary and uncomfortable. Perhaps a compromise then, do pecs and large muscles sound like worthwhile concessions? Also, Saxophone, no string instruments.
Sick sick sick
Are you dating my son?
For the last 20 years,
I have been a member of the
"Ugly Old Men's Club".
Talks with the "Attractive Girls Union" ended years ago.
.
Who cares anyway, those women in the video are now kinda old and ugly themselves xD
This is brilliant lol! This is the kind of news that I would actually watch. More on Attractive Girls Union, please! 😆🤣❤🥰
"He fucks up everything, why does he even try anymore."
lmao i can relate
“Any other questions regarding my smile or wave needs to be directed towards my office”
💀🗿
"He fucks up everything, why does he even try anymore"! 😂 😂 😂 😂
This is a great take on a real problem in America. I’ve seen plenty of people who think as long as a man is nice to a woman she is expected to be interested in him.
I know right? It's like when women think the fact that they're women means men owe them something 🤣
In America?
Try "anywhere where people live"
I gave up on the AGU and went into negotiation with the NGNDU (Nice Girl Next Door Union). I found one that would enter into talks and after several high level meetings, she is now my wife.
Wholesome
IMO the NGNDU are just as attractive without the "I'm all that" attitude. They are difficult to find as they tend not stand out. They are often at the back of the club or hanging out with their friends. You have to be careful in your approach. If you move too fast like trying to grind on the dance floor, they will be gone. You can make a innocent joke to break the tension. If she accepts your offer to have further communication, take it slow. If she goes on a conference with you, don't try to score. You have to get to know her.
Did you just imply you find your wife unattractive? Lmao
How are you enjoying the tax benefits?
@@gayusschwulius8490 I found her quite attractive. She just didn't have the "attitude."
1/2 of me laughed at this, the other half felt attacked
Yes, indeed
That's the fun in it!
That pfp tho
My new favorite news source 10/10 stars
This just proves that mike greenman needs to unionize. Can't expect one guy to out negotiate a collective
collective bargaining only works when you have something the other side wants. Most women these days are better off single than being partnered with available men, a condition that's only likely to broaden and deepen in future years.
Independent analysis shows any new incel company would not contain the fundamental value that is the basis for negotiations with any of the unions: the potential of any position at an *attractive* company.
“We have not noticed them”
Sounds about right
1:45 - looks the Chad-Virgin meme. The Onion consistently predicting the future
Freaky
Yeah it's really creepy
It's an ancient meme that's gone through many iterations.
The Good Kid Boy and this one was 11 years ago, memes weren’t that much of a deal back in 2008 unlike now
@@agentc7020 memes aren't an internet exclusive. I was talking about Dawkin's original definition, which includes internet memes.
“Awful high school play mercifully interrupted by school shooting…” 💀
These skits are timeless lol
" any question regarding my smile or my wave need to be directed towards my office "
"A hard bargain there." Lmao! This is freaking hilarious!
This might be my new favorite UA-cam channel.
I like how nowadays, the "dated" and "trendy" haircuts have flipped
No, both are dated now
set aside the pure gold that is the allegory that the plot is based on, the actors' subtle yet remarkably effective additions, such as talking over the last second of each others' sentences and the general facial expressions they seamlessly import from actual news commentators-- this whole video is literally *too good* for UA-cam
“He fucks up everything, why does he even try anymore?” Yep, that one cut me real deep.
As a bargaining director for their sister union AGGU (Annoying Gay Guys’ Union) im announcing that we will be walking with the AGU should negotiations cool and call for labor action
The seriousness of the news anchor 😂😭🤣
Reliable sources suggest Mike Greenman is currently stuck in a vicious cycle where his lack of real life interpersonal skills is causing him to use the videogames as a form of escapism but since all he knows to talk about is videogames it simply reinforces his existing defecit of populairity. Experts theorise if he were to aquire new hobbies or at minimum listen to non-videogame based podcasts it might broaden the range of conversation topics he could offer to the Attractive Girls Union but testimony from Mike's only friend suggests chances of this outcome are slim to none.
Who pays you?°
@@maazkalim what do you mean?
I meant for your woohoo creativity - man…!
There is so much going on in this clip. Gotta say, nailed it from both ends.
It appears that Mike won't be nailing anyone in the coming years
Both ends are covered ?
@@rascallyrabbit717 this one is good
I’m dying! This utterly genius and hilarious! 😂😂😂
These are too good. Why recommended so late UA-cam?
Pros & Cons for Mike.
Pro = A hell of a lot of very sexy attractive girls know who you are.
Con = They couldn't give a rats ass about whether you live or die.
I'm sure that the reporter asking the attractive spokeswoman was in fact Mike Greenman in disguise..
Anyone else read the legal document at 2:01? I'm impressed they went through the effort of typing all that up in legalese.
Could make it out
So true
Over the years this has popped up on the recommended videos. It never fails to make have a REAL laugh. (I don't laugh easily.)
The way he says "he fucks up everything, why does he even try anymore" in such a deadpan voice kills me lmao
So does the Big Tiddy Goth Girl Union have representatives to which men can speak to negotiate terms?
They are unfortunately majority anti-union due to monthly membership costs that cut into expenditure on cosmetics and apparel such as various shades of blue and black eyeliner along with custom fitted lace undergarments
Ive heard they do-- but while they have lower hygiene and dress standards, they demand at least one Tattoo, or one pierced ear..
@@tjstrong3607
Damn that is a hardbargain.
TJ Strong For me, if a woman has a problem with my lack of tattoos, it’s not hard to tell how hard it was for them to scrap together money to get whatever amount of them they have. It’s like, I could put my whole body in a sleeve if I felt like it, but if you want to scrap together $3000 for a back piece over five years, that’s cool too I guess.
I've heard almost all of them only look for other alternative guys. So better buy some eyeliner.
Discovering this today. Gem.
Absolutely brilliant.
I guarantee this has brought a real life Mike Greenman to tears
"He fucks up everything, why does he even try anymore"
I feel like I've been personally attacked
It's ok
Wow, eerily prophetic. The sad thing is that in the years since this we have had attacks on women and even murders by guys like this, using this same argument.
Everyone talking about the girls amd Mike and I'm just here, happy to hear the longer version of the intro music
The Nice Guys Union's attempt at creating a physical agreement with the Attractive Girls Union once again negotiates into a binding friends-zone contract.
Ah the old bait-and-switch. I always tell my buddies, take a hard look at the contract fine print before agreeing to it. Look for indicators such as MPD (Minimum Physical Distance) Requirements (the higher that is, the further you're in the friend-zone and any moves can be litigious), Reasons for Contact clauses (if the contact is occasional and only for specific directed purposes/aid requests, you know where you are), etc. A Costs/Deductibles Clause that stipulates that both parties 'go Dutch' is an unclear sign in these modern times however, so don't just base understanding on that.
And if you get an Additional Physical Benefits clause that allows for MPD reqs to be negated occasinally, jump on that like a life raft. That's extremely rare, almost impossible to find.
Reasons cited include the unwillingness of the Nice Guys Union to actively do good instead of simply patting themselves on the back for being too passive to be assholes.
The new-found wikileaked attractive girls union secret documents of Just Be Born Attractive has caused a great controversy inside the nice guys union and as a result the union has already broken down into different extremist splinter groups.
Nailed it.
@@threenumbnuts xD
"He fucks up everything, why does he even try anymore"
Oh my, this is so talented! :) why onion is so underappreciated?
This is fantastic. I hope to renew contracts with the AGU after this Covid stuff is done. 😁
i am Mike Greenman.
ari1234a that's the joke...
Also, join a cool band.
We are ALL Mike Greenman
Onion satire more mature than today's current news
Too good actors, countless times I have taken their satire seriously.
I wish they put out content like this still. lol FUNNY AF!
this is some hard-hitting journalism
i swear to god ive been battleing this union since i was a kid and i dont see it coming to a close anytime soon.. I will have it one day
Daniel Maydana There was no need for that... the odd hand is good... it's out of rhythm... makes it feel like someone else is doing it.
RichardZERO who would you rather take care of you? an amateur with no rhythm or a sexy experienced friend who knows just what you like and can keep excellent rhythm?
thersten oh god, wth am i reading o.O
You wouldn't want to date a bitch.
siakama son same