One Year of No Contact (and still hurting)
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- Опубліковано 21 лип 2024
- Hannah writes, “What are the long-term impacts of love bombing and how do you break free? I am recovering from an on/off guy. I worked up the courage to tell him he hurt me (to which I got no response) & blocked. It has been a year of no contact, I try to remind myself I was in love with a dream, focus the awful things he did to me. But I still frequently think of him and am in shock I will never see him again.”
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“Moving forward: No looking looking over your shoulder and no wishing for another outcome.” You are brilliance, you are beauty, you are grace Susan!
Hello Allison! Thank you for such a lovely comment!
It's been a year of no contact for me as well and I'm disappointed in myself I still think about him. He didn't give me closure and when I went no contact it was out of a sense of survival and self-preservation. My brain circuitry had been so compromised by the psychological abuse. Punishing him was no where in my mind. In the year apart from him I've learned our relationship was about as textbook narcissistic as it gets. In fact there never was a real relationship, he just wanted me to believe there was so he could use me for sex and intimacy. The hardest part for me isn't that it's over, but that it was never real. And that the person I loved was just a fantasy
It’s been a year for me too, and yet sometimes I imagine he’d come back and apologize. But it’s my imagination for a reason :/
I relate to both of you so much
Same here. 3 years together, i had been gaslight and blameshifted pretty much about everything, broke up with him believing he will understand his mistakes from my absence. Not only did that not happen, but I tried anxiously to reach out several times and got ignored. It has been almost 1 and a half year, still hurting and trying to figure out whether our connection was real or he played me the whole time. Trying to give me closure, it is so confusing when the good times were the best and the bad times were the worst. Hope we all heal soon and this about it in the future and have a good laugh. This is the moment I am praying for to have.
Raise your standards. Do NOT accept being treated this way.
I totally agree!
I think what most people are trying to express here is they were truly in love with this person. So how do you stop loving and missing someone who meant something to you especially when you both meant something to each other.
I think it’s cold and heartless to just dump and disappear. You were not just lovers but you were also like best friends. So there is your reasons for forgetting this person. You already know it could never work out because of this behavior.
But that still doesn’t make it any easier.
Almost three years later and I still think of and miss her terribly.
😢 I feel this! Much love to you ❤️
They go as they come! Always remember that. His not contacting you in a year tells you everything you need to know. Stop fantasizing over the good times and focus on the crap he put you through. You have all the answers Heather you just have to believe them...
Bella you're a hoot....lmao
💯
Their actions always tell you the truth you don't want to believe. Trust me believe them!
There’s a reason that that is an old and trusted saying!
@@SusanWinter Absolutely 100 %
It happened to me a year ago. Same exact situation except gay relationship. He love bombed me, we had great sexual chemistry. Then just moved on after 10 months as if i meant nothing. It devastated me and i never felt so much pain. It took me almost a year to heal and i still sometimes feel some pain. But what a year… it caused me to advance in so many other aspects of my life (spiritually, professionally, physically). And i thank him for this. Im a better less naïve man…best gift ever.
I just hope that ill feel the same thing i felt for him for a man who deserves it this time
I had the same experience 👌 👌 I'm also not naive anymore.. Biggest lesson 💯
it's crazy how your brain just wants to think about that person all the time ,
What a wonderful conclusion to such a terrible experience. Life will throw us curveballs all the time. It’s important to do our best to take those curveballs and find a new way to find a positive experience that will benefit you in the long run
It’s awful! I know exactly how you feel
I love to hear how well you are doing now! Inspires me to do the same!
No contact is not a punishment for you. It is your own liberation.
Thank you so much for your answer, that truly helped me put it together.
Well said!
Spot on! Free yourself from your former pain by closing one chapter and getting an entirely nee book
It has been a year of no contact yes. It's so hard to not want some closure. I appreciate you so much.
Sometimes closure can be with yourself and your own truth. It doesn’t matter what the other person says. Don’t let anyone else’s limitations become your own.
@Bella Mary reported
@@SusanWinter I guess if I'm honest I want to know if he still loves me of course lol
It's been 10 years of no contact and I still feel just as messed up. As much as I feel like I've healed and changed in many ways, I still think about this person everyday... Even though I do not want to think about them and have tried many many times to change that. It's very frustrating
Omg 10 years that's scary!!!
Omg I hope it won’t be me
10 years! I am so sorry to hear that but like the other person mentioned, I really hope that's not the road I'm headed.. I've you tried therapy or just these videos? I hope therapy can help, 10 years is an 8th of your entire life! That's a lot of time lost due to the ex
No Contact works in two ways. No contact provided a healing process "for me". I just couldn't be connected to her without tremendous pain. It still hurt like hell, but I needed to have "no contact" to begin healing. For her, "no contact" was a way she could avoid the situation and not be held accountable and deal with the guilt. After a 20+ relationship, she just left our family. I was...I am lost and have come up with the "reason" as Susan mentions. I think I'm still trying to accept the answer of what "I think it is" and that's tough. Eventually you get to the point of reestablished value and know that you have a lot to offer. Day by day still...but getting there! Hang in there everyone. Thank you Susan. Long time follower and subscriber.
You did the right thing. By choosing to not make contact with her you allowed the universe to open the right doors for you. You can’t move forward if you’re in quicksand. It sounds likes you’re on the path towards healing and healthy love!
@@SusanWinter OMG, thank you Susan for taking the time to read my comment and for your encouraging words. Although we’ve all got our own situation, it’s the same story of heartbreak, self-doubt and questions. Your videos have been a tremendous help. I’ve watched several of them multiple times. Time and your words have helped my heartache, I’ve just got to find a way to turn off my brain. Those thoughts, memories and “what if’s” can consume you and stifle the healing process. You, my sons and A LOT of long drives to workout my thoughts have helped. To look back over five years to see how far I’ve come is encouraging and I keep going, knowing I’ll find “HER” one day. Thanks again for what you do for us!
Hi @Edward Barnes
Your story sounds very similar to mine. Wish you much healing and future happiness 😊
I was amazed at how actually going NC healed me. Contacting them is sorta like being friends with your drug dealer after rehab. It keeps all that life and logic alive and active in your brain ( and body!) your brain will literally rewire and make healthy connections if you do the work. I’m 5 years out and I have no idea whatsoever why I was involved with him. I got out of his circus and drama and found that peace really is available for me. Keep going!!! You’re worth it! ✨
Love bombing can really stick to your heart. Watch for it, and don't get stuck there.
It’s not always easy to identify but when you do, take note!
If the way I am feeling on the inside was transferred into physical… I would look like I have been beaten up by a gang of 10 and the police would be involved. But because the bruises, cuts and breaks are mental they get away with it
Narcissistic relationships are painful at the end. It takes time to heal.
Thank you for the video Susan! In my experience if you truly respect and love yourself having no contact with someone who doesn't treat you right is only logical. Why waste time and energy on someone who isn't deserving it? Life is too short and precious! However I feel that I have made this mistake myself in the past - and have watched friends do the same - out of a scarcity mindset. If you are vulnerable and/or lonely at some point in your life you might lower standards just to not be alone. You might accept bullshit that you wouldn't accept in happy and strong times. I would advise Hanna to think about this: "What is missing in life that I am still thinking about an ex lover who didn't appreciate me?"
Wow! You are spot on regarding a scarcity mindset! And your closing question is brilliant! I’ll be sure to use that in future videos!
@@SusanWinter thank you! I also follow the UA-cam channel "Entrepeneurs in cars" for mostly gentlemen and the maker of these videos always encourages men to become the best version of themselves and to focus on themselves and not put up with all sorts of bullshit for females. I wouldn't say I agree with a lot of his videos, but there are definitely interesting points like "the scarcity mindset". Many people don't appreciate themselves and even in a situation where there are actually not a lot of suitable partners: would you rather be fooled and played around more of less together or be happy alone? All the best to you Susan!
The last bit you said really opened my eyes and helped me shift my mindset. I have been in no contact for six months but he’s still occupying a lot of space in my head. I was trying to make sense why it’s taking me this long. I finally have the reasons that my mind can accept and let go of my ego trying to get a revenge. No more looking over my shoulder. Thank you Susan. This video has helped me massively! x
Sometimes we go no contact with the intention will be for the story "to be continued..."
And it might be...it might not be.
More importantly, as Susan said, you need to tell yourself a story that puts the puzzle pieces together enough in your head that you can begin to move on and heal. It's a process.
Hi Susan, I remember making a comment couple months back bc I was hurting.
Just to give others encouragement as I'm now in a better place mentally, stop chasing, allow time to grieve and heal plus get counsel from close family, trusted friends or a therapist.
Thank you ❤🙏🏼
These are amazing and important suggestions! Happy to hear that you’re healing and growing! 🥰
@@SusanWinter
You are amazing, wishing you more blessings for the work you do. 🙏🏼🌹
Excellent advice Susan! So true! I've been through this scenario. It must be believed in your heart, mind, soul that you moved on and take action forward. I was longer than a year and made contact to no avail- if it's been a year or longer...keep going 👉 looking to a brighter, better future and someone genuine!
It’s not always easy but it is always necessary in order to move past a negative situation!
@Maggi S think not
I’m 3 months in with no contact. Started seeing signs and acted accordingly; I removed him as a follower, unfollowed him, and the last thing I told him was Happy New Year, which he responded to. Things still felt awry and off. So the day after New Year’s, I told him he could delete my number. I’m still upset and hurt by his actions, but I know i was too good and he was too much of a coward to face me and be honest with me, because he knows I’ll never do this to him if the shoe was on the other foot. He told me someone did this to him, but then goes and does it to me. I’m not and will not be the poster child of your previous relationship issues, because I don’t deserve that. The first big red flag was when he called me an “experience”. Like what? I’m just some obstacle course you could run through and ditch when you get tired? No I’m not disposable, I’m valuable. And I’m not having it👏🏾
The power in this message is brilliant! You clearly understand your worth, have done the inner work and are moving on the path to someone who appreciates and loves the person you are! 🥰
I found myself thinking of an ex this week and even just a few minutes ago. Then a notification about this video appeared! Haha thanks universe. It’s been one year since we last spoke. I have to clarify that I am not hurting (Susan, you already taught me how to move on when I started watching you 2-3 years ago about a different ex), but I do admit that I am sometimes looking over my shoulder for this guy. You are right. It is my silly ego talking. I am reminded again that he is not capable of a mature romantic relationship. Thanks again, Susan ♥️
I also think another reason people battle to move on from a break up is because they have taken the well-meaning advice of friends or family or an article they read or video they watched, etc. They believe the advice is what they "should" do or "should" feel, but it's not really true for them. People have to find their own answers or their own way of moving on in order to truly move on, because what may work for one person or be true for one person may not necessarily work or be true for another. As you say, people need to analyse their own situation in a way that makes sense to them. I also truly believe that, to move on from a relationship, we need to analyse our own behaviour and learn the lesson that it has for us personally, and not only seek to place blame on the other person. There is always something we could have done differently or better, even if that something is walking away from the relationship sooner.
Wow! Needed to hear this today! Lots of love to you Susan ❤️
Many virtual hugs to you!
It hurts bad! i’m going through this myself
I’m sorry my dear! I promise you, it gets easier!
“Everything is fine and crazy into you.” Two weeks later, dumped. Makes zero sense. Then said something mean to her after I was dumped because I was hurt (no excuse not justifying it)and then she uses that to justify it.
You always give wise advice. Thank you Susan.
Thank you!
This was right on time, thanks Susan!
You’re very welcome
Brilliant advice as always! 🙏🏻🌸
Thank you my dear
It' s true ! Perfect video, as always !
🤗
Best advice yet. My exact situation.
Thanks susan. Im obsess with who dumped me and trying to really move on but i think about him every f'n day
Trust that with every day it will get easier
Same here! I cut off the contact to him, because the the back and forth didn't do me any good, but whatever I do or try to forget him nothing works long enough to get him out off my head for good. It really sucks!!
Susan you looking great. Thank so much for video
Hi Clara. Thanks!!
@Bella Mary You're so irritant with your commercials,will you just spare us??
In my experience. Both genders do this. Yes I thought I had moved on and then I chose the same same thing with a different picture. Thanks for your show.
It is absolutely applicable to all genders
The comment about him getting spanked made me actually laugh out loud. You are a gem, Susan!
Hahaha! Glad you enjoyed that!
I love you!! 😭😭
Looking at the guy's instagram has been something that has kept me tethered to the past.
Just unfollow him and do your best to move forward! I know it’s not always easy but the first small step will help
@@SusanWinter Thanks, Susan❤
Thanks Susan
Limerence!
Hey Susan
Love you and everything you say
You are welcome, Fatima
It’s been ten months. The breakup was my fault. She hasn’t blocked me anywhere. I still love and miss her. I don’t know what to do
No matter what you going through don’t feel depressed and don’t let anyone or anything make you feel less of yourself because in every problem there’s a solution and in relationships you can also get the specific person you want to love you !
You can get help in everything you want, only if you ask for help.
If she’s trauma bonded, the healing takes place AFTER the year mark
Interesting. Why is that?
Because when you break up with a narc (covert or otherwise) it’s not a normal break up. You have to wait for the bonding hormones to go back down. That, and the process of knowing the person who discarded you several times isn’t coming back, and the reality of the relationship truly being over (trauma bond) may take several years which may include the healing process time.
@@2legit2Kwit but you don't have to be with a narc to experience this right? I think I got a trauma bonding but not sure of the person I was dealing was a narc
@@marte1376 could have also been an dismissive avoidant
I think it's usually narcissists or dissmissive avoidants that will cause a trauma bond. I think they're the same type of people. Just maybe dissmissives don't do the mean evil natured stuff. They just act too distant. If anything evil or hurtful with that then must be a narcissist
brilliant!
I give myself: 10 days to be miserable and do whatever I feel like - look at photos, re-read texts, want him back, etc etc - but still no contact. After that I give myself small goals (e.g. eat an extra fruit a day/go for a run or walk every day/start reading a new book etc with 10 day increments. After that I start being more social and going out with friends, and creating new goals, all while allowing myself to grieve and feel sad. One day I realize that I haven't thought of them in months, and can't even tell when it happened.
But what if I still wish for a different outcome? After all this time, I still wish for them to be part of my life and me to be part of theirs.
Thank you.
There seems to be only heart ache for the most deserving of joy! Tragic!!!
He is the best at fixing broken relationship restoration and attracting love💞💞💞
Message his line for hlp👇
If she or he does not want to be with you there not being with you.
I too do think whether he would miss me sometime.. And thats not letting me to move on. It's hard to just leave it blank. But anyways there would be no returning.. So let it go🙂
No matter what you going through don’t feel depressed and don’t let anyone or anything make you feel less of yourself because in every problem there’s a solution and in relationships you can also get the specific person you want to love you !
You can get help in everything you want, only if you ask for help.
@@Joanne530
I even dropped my PG because of this break up.. Because I wasn't able to move on seeing him everyday.. Was that stupid?
Thank you
You’re welcome
I’m not sure if my ex was a narcissist, but she does have bipolar disorder, which makes the break up all the more confusing. I’m stuck here a month later thinking, is this just a mood? I don’t want to give up on her just because she is sick. But if she genuinely doesn’t want me then I want to move on. I keep moving back and forth.
This may sound tough, but you are not responsible for her illness & for making excuses for her. We can understand & even empathise w how intergenerational trauma causes ppl to behave hurtfully but our primary responsibility is to work through our own wounds & set our boundaries & standards. If the other person’s behaviour is not acceptable on its face, that’s final. The reason for it - even mental illness - is irrelevant to us. We can’t heal them.
4 years..no dates..TRYING to be better..still think about him 24/7/365..💔💔😩🤬😩
Hey this video helped me and he’s no more there in my mind I was suffering since year but yesterday as I set down and answered the questions I had, now I feel better but still count me think about him twice today how many days it requires to get him out permanently after these reasoning
What questions did you answer? And did it work ? How are you now?
I was in a similar situation. I found out he got married and had a kid and was suddenly over him from one second to the next.
He's no longer the person you fell in love with a year ago. Neither are you. He's just any man who lives in a city and has a life.
Closure is overrated. One Man doesn't love you. So what!? Move forward not backwards!
Facts. Hurts because you felt something but there was nothing. That is hard to accept
@@marte1376 Some people change. There problem. Not yours.
@@CrystalDatingCoach i understand that, but is hard to accept that someone doesn't love you. I know it's not a rational response but it happens when you fall in love.
@@marte1376 Yes. Of course it's hard and it takes time but know your VALUE! His lost! 😍
@@CrystalDatingCoach exactly. My gain, your loss. I never lose, I win or I learn
How does that advice help?
That's a long time to hurt
I will never understand why some people care about people who don’t even like them.
Its the same process as drug addiction. When you love someone very strongly, you can get strongly addicted to them.
I can't understand people that lacks empathy and judges about situations they don't have anything to say. If you're not going to contribute with something positive, save your thoughts for yourself.
@@marte1376 I cant understand how some adults can barely put a proper sentence together. If you insist on writing like a five year old, don’t post here. How embarrassing.
@@alextheworldguy Unfortunately it is not necessarily love, but more like a Dopamin indicated addiction or obsession resulting from the hot and cold rollercoaster you have experienced with this person, if it was a toxic connection. In any case an unhealthy attachment.
Because a relationship is not just something everyone can turn off like a light switch. If you are broken up with, you didn't WANT this person out of your life. It gets sprung onto you and you just have to accept it but it's not easy. It's different if it's just some random person off the street that rejects you, that I agree with. But if you actually have a relationship/connection with someone you don't just turn off like a light switch all the memories and feelings just because they break up with you.
Walky way from people who give you hard time. This is the only way for you to beat their nonsense behavior
Ten years.
No contact
And I am still hurting. Neither able to avoid nor escape.
What about karma? How can such people live happily after screwing up others mind and emotions?
💔
Because it's not necessarily their fault. Heartbreak is when we love something more than it loves us and we can't control how another person feels. So we are left with the broken pieces and missing them in our life. But it doesn't necessarily mean they are a horrible person for not loving us.
Literally today its been a year with my ex :(
Healing takes time but soon it will just be a life lesson and not pain!
Sorry I accidentally hit dislike when I was meant to hit like! 😅 great thank you 🙏🏼
Doing a no contact rule with a celebrity 😪😭
Yeah, try four years..
❤️👍
thanks SuperSonic
Narcissistic behavior right there.
Im still hurting so much..🥲🥺