Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on UA-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on UA-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/
Thanks for the comment. Being bombarded with rumination can be constricting. Glad this video resonates for you. If you like this video please also share it with a friend who may benefit. Thanks.
@@stephanyvaldez1698 my gf cheated on me. I stayed with her for a couple more years, but could never get over what she did. She would tell me "you just need to get over it- you hold things above peoples heads- you hold onto things too long, blah blah blah. She's an evil person.
My brother said to me 'you wasn't happy and neither was he, let it go'. I now feel even more alone because he was my support but now I feel embarrassed to bring my breakup up.
my rumination isn't about "what is so-n-so doing" or the like. mine is "how could someone be with someone for 10 yrs and they not ever give a flying f%^& about u??" and coming to grips with that reality.
Was sitting enjoying a good time w friends, and there was a lull in the conversation, and my mind literally jumped back to my obsessing over my ex…I actually caught myself and all I could do was shake my head and wondered how much longer this nonsense would go on.
I am just learning I have seperation anxiety from childhood trauma/neglect but I have experienced this in every single relationship and even though I'm a social worker I could not understand why I do this. Ive "waited" for exes to come back for years thinking of them daily, wasting years of my life. For example, I've done this for the past 8 months over a 2 month relationship. Prior to that I did this for over 2 years over a 6 month relationship. I've cried on too many occasions to even count because I didn't know what was wrong with me and it is mentally exhausting. I would just think "Im not like normal people. It takes me so long to recover from a broken heart" and this causes me to stay alone. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.
Deirdra Martinez omg...ditto. I honestly felt alone. I found this video by accident, after watching the Holistic Psychologist page. As much as people love to joke about mommy or daddy issues, I repressed the fact that I’ve had some serious abandonment and separation anxiety issues that were deep rooted. I had a partner whom I felt was the love of my life. We dated twice and they left me both times and I felt shattered both times. (Local summer fling, then another attempt at a LDR, since we didn’t live in the same state). I remember feeling such a familiarity in my gut when I’d drop them off to the airport after visits: this overwhelming panic and uncontrollable crying. I only ever had that same feeling whenever I’d leave my mother’s house after biweekly visitations. My mother wrestled with drug addiction throughout my entire childhood and there would be years at a time where I wouldn’t see her, so I’ve always had attachment issues. Anywho, this video did bring to light some things I’ve failed to acknowledge.
Deirdra Martinez when my ex and I split the final time, they more or less admitted that they probably were making a mistake and that they were probably leaving “the one that got away”. I always felt that I’d see said person five years post-break up, after we got into new relationships, and it’d leave me gutted. In the past, I’ve felt that I’ve had unfinished business with this person, but holy hell, it’s super apparent by them that it’s not a matched feeling and desire. It just sucks to miss the stable, healthy, passionate and great things you shared.
@@FromTheAshes7 hello dear friend...I m too suffering post break up.... trying very hard to move on...but unable to forget her, I can't even sleep properly, her face appears
Its been over a year for me and im still having this backseat jealousy. How did you get over it? Did you find a sense of nourishment/love/emotional fulfilment from another external source?
I think a lot of my obsessiveness was created because I made such a fool of myself during and especially after the breakup. My ego knew this and wanted so badly to correct the mistakes. So naturally I tried everything to get back with her, but it was too little, too late. The more she rejected me, the more I panicked. That panic then became my obsession. It's now been 3 1/2 years and sadly I'm still obsessed. I haven't spoken to her in a whole year and I imagine she's in another relationship. I've done pretty much everything in the book to let her go but my ego simply won't accept that she's gone. Just yesterday I threw away a sweater she had left at my house which was sitting tucked away in my drawer for all this time. That sweater was the only thing I had of hers so you better believe it meant a lot to me. It was so powerful that I couldn't even look at it. But I knew I had to throw it away. And so I decided that I had to. I literally reached for the sweater without even looking at it and placed it in a bag like a dead animal. I tied the bag and man-o-man, the trouble I had letting it go. But I eventually dumped it. Not that anything positive has happened I mean it's just a dumb, lifeless sweater but the meaning behind it really was significant. Anyway, I'm really struggling still and I know this on a concious level but I'm completely powerless. I pray to God almost everyday to give me a chance at life just one more time. 1 more time and I'll never, ever take advantage of a situation or an SO ever again. I just want to move past this because I deserve it. I've paid my dues. I feel I've paid my karmic debt. It's my turn at happiness. Please lord, Universe, whoever is listening, grant me this:)
Yes, this has happened to me too. My parents were very dysfunctional. I never had a loving experience particularly with my mother. I truly believe people can mess you up, especially parents. We long for love and acceptance. So so sad. It truly does drain you and steals all your energy.
This is a brilliant explanation of why some of us badly struggle with letting go of the ex. I always thought it was a narcissistic trait in myself to think that I was finding it more difficult than some other people to move on but I am coming to understand there is a gaping attachment wound.
This was extremely helpful, my obsession is not even somebody with whom I`ve had meaningful relationship and yet still after 8 months my brain loops in circles.
I'm just so glad to know I'm not going crazy! LoL! It's been a yr since me an my ex broke up an sometimes my mind get out of control but I can say since I gave my life to Jesus it's getting better an I this to shall pass! Be blessed my brother
Wow! Thanks! I couldn't figure out why I kept thinking about him, even though it was LOGICALLY obvious that he was so, so wrong for me! Now I understand that he represented my unmet needs. That is such an eye opener!
I found these videos just in time, never knew that my terrible pain and anxiety in relationships was due to attachment trauma. I just ended a relationship and I was almost suicidal...that pain was incredible..and didn't know where it comes and didn't had a logical answer. Even if I knew that was a toxic relationship and we didn't fit each other, it was impossible for me to end it because every time I was in contact with that person my pain vanish, like a drug..It has been two months since I somehow ended up..i still thinking at her and experience some sadness and pain but not at that intensity. Thank you so much for this video Sir, just subscribed, can't wait to see all of them.
Yep remember pain always goes away, may take awhile, but the bigger the pain the bigger the gain, took me 2 years but I'm a better, stronger person, truth is everyone has to go through this at some point in their life when you lose someone, any body who doesn't isn't human..or just have been very lucky 🤣, but for the rest of us just remember it won't last forever and it's totally normal as you need to grieve especially if it's the first time, so give yourself a break and let it out, holding it in would be what's not good for you, this is a time for family and friends, don't try and get it from the attachment you won't heal that way...be there wrote the tee-shirt 😂😂
So glad to have found this. I've been stuck in the loop for about 18 months, new information occasionally flaring it up when I felt it was going quiet at last. This video makes me feel like Im not going mad and Im not this crazy obsessive.
Glad this video speaks to you. Many of us have also been there. So important to keep this conversation going. If this video is helpful then you may also like the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. This topic comes up in our conversations. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
It took me 5yrs to get over a 3yr relationship....it was toxic but i was so in love. I still cant understand how it took that long to heal and that makes me afraid if i fall that hard again.
This is so accurate to what I’m going through relentlessly for the past 7 months. Thanks for making this video. I do think I’ve made them the symbol of the acceptance and love that I always wanted and now feel I’ve lost (despite the fact that they didn’t treat me well) I also do think it really is about the deeper problem of my own history of feeling disconnected and lonely that I’ve struggled with for a long time.
You are quite literally getting me through life right now with these videos. I put them on as I get ready for work so I can feel good enough to get to work so I don’t call out. Thank you
I'm glad to hear that my videos resonate with you and that you find them beneficial and valuable. It's great to know that you're investing your time and energy into learning and healing. If you find my videos interesting and helpful, I created an 8-week program of self-directed healing work to put healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look big picture at how attachment injuries and attachment trauma got set up on our lives we are able to begin to see longing from a new perspective. We also gain access to inner resources that shift our relationship to the longing. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. If this is something that interests you, you are welcome to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Yes this is helpful! Im sitting here sobbing because I knew my mental obession is not normal or healthy. This will set me on path to healing. Thank you.
Thanks for sharing your grief. Many of us can relate. This topic comes up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. If you'd like to learn more take the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
I’m 29 and my ex is 37. I met her when I was 25. We lived in the same apartment complex at the time. After a year of seeing each other in passing, we both always noticed that we never had strange people over or one night stands etc. One day I asked her for her number. We went on a walk and next thing you know we live together. For 3 years things were great and the final 9months were constant fighting. Her not wanting to see my family, me not wanting to do the hobbies and activities she wanted. In the end she left me because I was too weak to let her go. She wouldn’t stay because I wasn’t ready to marry. I know she loves me and I love her. Of course we have our faults but I felt like I was physically and emotionally obsessed with her and she was financially and physically needing of me. I lost my energy. I can’t handle not being with her but I wonder if she feels regret or guilt and wants to see me again. I am in a 24/7 loop of constantly wondering how can she make it through life without me? But I know she can and I know I can I just hate dealing with something I didn’t want to happen and always always always wish I could have treated her better. Thanks for reading for anyone who read this. We all deserve love and forgiveness.
Unpopular O’pinion Why don't you try to contact her again and see how she is? Maybe if you are realizing all this you are ready to heal your traumatic wounds from the past. Maybe she is doing the same. You never know unless you reach out.
This really hit home for me. I am currently 42 and married to a wonderful man who is sweet, kind, and handsome and could not figure out why my brain kept getting stuck on this one guy from so long ago. My brain keeps thinking about this boyfriend I had in college 21 years ago and we only dated for maybe 6-7 months. I keep asking myself "Why am I even giving this guy a single thought??? We dated for a short time decades ago!" I wish I could erase him from my mind completely. But everything you said made 100% sense to me! I have childhood attachment trauma from neglect, and that boyfriend represents a time in my life when I felt my attachment needs most met (in my youth). Thank you so much for posting this!
Glad this speaks to you. I can tell this video sparked reflection for you by what you shared. Our brain does it's own thing sometimes. Thank you for valuing my effort. It has taken me years of study and healing process to express and share these topics with others. Glad it brings value. Since this video is helpful, you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. It goes more into how our past influences our choices in relationships. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
This is the worst thing that ever happened to me. I had exactly what he describes. Living hell. Pain, desperate faint hope, anguish. Help! I lost my mother when I was 3 and this made me extra vulnerable. A rebound relationship gave me temporary respite for brief periods. Then at my lowest low I met the love of my life quite by chance. We became friends and then more. I can't imagine how I would have gotten out of this madness without this happening. Scares me so much just to think about that. Haunts me. If you are going through this, I wish you strength. You will find love again however impossible it seems. Love and peace.
I wish it was only months. I realized that my ex stopped being a person and become a symbol for my own failings years ago... yet, even all these years later, when she crosses my mind, that desperation to be wanted by someone starts to consume me. Even after all these years, I have never been able to open up or trust others. I don’t really even have many friends. It’s like... I know I must change, but the power is beyond my reach...
You said this perfectly about the lack of love in you recent life or the life before them that makes them as a placeholder. I was tearing up! But the thing is I really do still love her, even though there were times it was shaky, I saw a future with her, and while I gave my time and effort I wonder if I messed up somewhere, now she's with someone else gone for me for good and I'm here with the loop nonstop. I'm very much lonely, but because I'm lonely isn't what makes me think of her I genuinely love her. So I don't know what to do, because the morning thing you described it perfectly! Sometimes I get 10 seconds of clarity and sometimes the moment I wake up boom that sense of awareness where I stand hits so hard....really hard. To the point where I can't even get up. If it wasn't for my job I think I would be in bed 24/7
I lost 7 years of my life thinking about someone who moved on from me in about a day lol... the sudden realization when you wake up from that trance that youve spent years grieving for someone who completely moved on from you is so humilliating... Its like waking up from a dream cause you create this whole relationship in your head and truly only you in your brain has experienced it and youre not sure whats real and what your brain made up... And it's hard even now that I am better... but I realize now that it was all because of my attachment problems...
Karla, as painful as it is, you are not alone. Many of us can relate. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. Consider joining in the conversation. You are not alone. www.alanrobarge.com/community
@@andrewmcfarlane3274 would love to say there was something special I tried but honestly it took time and life experience. Also realizing people are trying their best, they're probably not monsters just having a human experience like the rest of us.
What baffles me, is how long the pain lasts. Since my separation in December 2019, the maelstorm of fear, loss, anxiety persists to this day. I haven't woken up once without immediately thinking of her. And despite all she has done to me ... the rejection, the lies, the manipulation ... I cannot stop thinking and ruminating about her, us and what was. I feel it shifting from feelings of intense hatred to deep longing ... feelings of " perhaps she will come back" to "may she suffer as I did". It seems as if my entire world just rotates around all these feelings. And no matter how many new positive developments come about in my life ... they are soon overshadowed by remembrances of her. Sadness prevails. I have tried therapy, distracting myself, I have even met someone new ... and now I find myself comparing... The split up has also left my libido in a doldrum for months on end. I often wonder what it will take to become my own self again. People say, time heals all wounds. Then why does this one feels like multiple stabs to the coronary?
Wow Alan you are a genius! This is so profound and well understood. So many people lack the ability to emotionally connect with someone. I will admit i have also been challenged by this to be vulnerable to someone else. I have a history of abandonment by people who i loved the most. It is such a difficult cycle to break that gets triggered by every person i come to admire walk away from my life. How do you have control over your mind? I think just by being more compassionate and loving to yourself you slowly break it. Thank you so much! This has been the most interesting and astonishing piece i have ever heard.
Absolutely brilliant , this is me down to a tee. It helps to know why and what is happening to me. I have been in this spiral again 14 months now after my partner of 5.5 years left me. She was not even a good, kind caring partner but I still have the intense longing to reconnect . Thank you for all you do.
Thanks for the question. Many people ask similar questions like, "What do I do next?" or "How do I heal?" The answer is it depends. We choose to map out our direction and create action-plans. In the Improve Your Relationships Community members create Self-Directed Healing Plans which offer self-accountability. There are also educational resources available such a video library, worksheets, and informational posts to help you get one step closer to clarity. Members have also reported gaining insight from sharing healing processes with each other. Start mapping out your action-plan and check out the community. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you for this! My daughters dad died a few months ago and then an off an on ex I’ve known for four years, well let’s just say he discarded me like trash and validated doing that, and I realized I’m traumatized. I already have complex ptsd from other things, but seeing my daughters dad I knew half my life in a coffin and holding our daughter while he laid lifeless, and then to also grieve someone still alive has just been a kick to the throat. Im grieving two men at once both very significant people that played roles in my life…..
I went through this death headache with multiple people. I learned that each person is a reflection of various aspects of ourselves and they are there to teach us lessons about ourselves. Also, I learned that some losses needed to happen in order for me to accept that life is not a free ride and no one owes me anything. How do I let go of obsessive guilt about toxic people I have eliminated from my life? I run into some of these people and I get literally scared of them and I need help to overcome that fear too..
Thank you. This is SO WELL explained. I've been there a few times after breakups and it is definitely VERY exhausting. Having to cope with this at the same time of other life changes has brought me to sometimes feel almost numb and with no spark or energy.
Glad the videos are of value and offer benefit for you Suzie. There are so many ideas and layers to contemplate. We explore a number of the ideas about relationships in the membership community. If you want to explore with others, please consider joining us. The community members are kind and supportive. Here is the info if you are interested: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I think it is part of grieving. The end of a relationship is like a death. Even though you know it was toxic for you, even if you ended it, there is still grief & the wound has to heal. Do not pick off the scabs. Let it heal. 💜
Exactly; grief is an unavoidable part of an ending relationship, but it can be overwhelming, painful, and difficult to heal and process. Grief is one of the topics we cover in the 8 week online community program I created. There is a full video library in the community for members to access 24/7 and a whole section of videos on the topic of grief. We explore the "how" in the community. Practicing these skills is essential to learning new behaviors and having new experiences. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful as an adjunct to therapy. Please consider joining us in the conversation over at Improve Your Relationships. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you for the kind words and thank you for valuing my effort. It's important to keep the conversation going. You're invited to join us in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Wow!! This is SPOT on. I’m leaving an abusive partner that doesn’t think he was abusive, and it’s got my mind whipped up. For months and months I was strong and made it, but now, he is all I think about all day every day. I’m not sleeping, it’s literally looping over and over. This was SO helpful!
This is very simple and profound, and I haven't if at all felt this completely before my ex left me. They represented all these things for me and I have felt nothing but unhappiness since it ended. Also, I believe I was love bombed by this person because they mirrored me so they were like the perfect person, emotionally, romantically, socially, everything I ever wanted in my life from a essentially, what I thought was the perfect mate. Then they left me, no warning, no arguments, nothing bad happened they just bailed and sent me an e-mail and I hurt like someone died. I was craving for what I go from them and than it ended. I came to believe I was involved with someone with a cluster B type personality, but this person has not been diagnosed and I cannot diagnose them. However, the pattern is there because I was their deal person also, than it changed over night and I was left stunned and destroyed. They blamed me, and went back to their ex even though I did nothing wrong, its never ended inside for me and this was last December. All I want to do is talk to them again, see them one more time, anything, but it's just so fudged up. This guy is on point.
This might be the most relatable video I have ever watched, it feels like every little thing I do or see brings up a memory of me and my ex. She broke up with me and made it clear she does not want to be together, but I still for some reason feel attached to her, I try to distract myself but it feels like I'm psychotic the way all my memories replay in my mind. I wish I could get past this it has been a month since we broke up and we were dating for 5 years, she was my first ever girlfriend and my first ever love. When my dog died I was 8 years old and I lost my best friend, I think that subconsciously caused me to be attached to her and not let go. I also cut off all my friends and family for my ex while we were together.
Empathy to you. Many of us have also been there. It can be a challenging place to be in. Glad this video spoke to you. Thanks for valuing my work. If this video is helpful then you may also like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Although it doesn't address this behavior directly, it does talk about the origins of it as attachment trauma symptoms. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
My god - this is like a light bulb moment for me. Wow... I'm going to play this on a loop. I was literally going crazy thinking of my ex. I'm pretty sure that I was demonstrating secure attachment in the (short) relationship - but I can see / feel that my own lack of love (receiving love) and childhood trauma, is being talked about here. Great video. Honestly - this is gold for me. Thank you.
It makes me sad watching my crush destroy herself because she believes that there's no one else for her than her ex. Al her hopes. Thrown out the window. It's saddens me to watch her in this state. But she won't give up because he got to her first.
Wow. This was so accurate to the grief I am experiencing currently. I am 4 months out of a broken engagement. I was absolutely crushed at first. I realized I miss his friendship and the comfort of having something to constantly work on to avoid working on my own life and career. After our breakup, I’ve done my best to channel that love into my friendships and family relationships. I have longer and deeper talks with family and friends now. I am not as afraid to share intimacy with them. I also am leaning into my career goals and putting myself first instead of prioritizing being worn and finding a man. I realized my need for a relationship comes from a deep fear that I cannot make it on my own and that I need someone else to guide me. Your videos are so helpful. Thank you! ❤
wow, thanks for your reflections. You have great insight. These dynamics can surely be challenging to navigate. Glad to hear the videos are helpful. Thank you for valuing my work. Also, since the videos are helpful, I want to share about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. The Community includes topics on all types of relationships, not just partner relationships. If you like the videos then you may also like getting in on the Community conversations. You're invited to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Glad this is helpful. Good insight in your reflection. Thanks for valuing my work. To understand more about this behavior you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Okay we all get your point of this loop and preoccupation of the loss. I want to know how to make it stop! It feels like I’m going nuts! I was engaged to my neighbor, my best friend, and my boss (all the same person!). He really was my everything and I’m trying to keep a civilized professional relationship with him as he is still helping me out and letting me keep my job until I can get on my feet. He broke up with me on Christmas Day as we were spending time with my two little boys who are 7 & 8. One moment we’re looking at buying a house together that seemed perfect for us and the next moment he’s upset with how things are going and dumps me, throws his ring under the car (we both wore promise rings) and tells me to give him his keys back. I had a key to his house and a key to his car. He was my provider. He was supposed to be my rock. My place of comfort. I seriously wanted to die! I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me in. What happened with him I couldn’t explain what went wrong but I asked him two days later as we were still swapping things out and it was killing me. I sobbed uncontrollably and asked him to hug me and hold me and he pushed me away. He shut the door in my face! Again I just wanted to die! I slept on it and the next day I promised him that I would keep it professional and he told me that I need to move on and let him go. I’ve got that trauma headache and it started last night and it won’t give up! I don’t want to let this go and I didn’t want this to happen but he says he no longer loves me! I need help! I gave this my all and I love him so much! I just wanted him to love me back and give me attention and affection! It is exhausting... I try to be okay for my little ones but I keep having massive breakdowns. I don’t think he’ll ever come back to me because I’m not what he wanted.
OMG you're a freaking genius! I'm dealing with this exact same problem. I called off my engagement last august, told her i wanted her out of my life. She moved out and I was doing amazing until 2 weeks ago after learning shes with someone else and this wave of crushing pain and jealousy hit me out of nowhere and have had this loop about her playing over and over just like u say. I also have anxiety and ruminate about a lot of things so I'm sure that doesn't help. Thank you for validating what I feel is not a mental issue but a rather serious brain wired problem that I'm capable of overcoming. THANK YOU!!
I appreciate the feedback. Empathy to you as you process. Good for you for noticing the looping state of mind and reaching out for resources. When there is emotional absence we have anxiety from the attachment distress. It sounds like you are mapping out a healing direction to explore. Thanks for commenting.
I appreciate the feedback. Thank you for sharing this video was moving for your. Please share this video on other social sites to help spread the word on topics like this. Thank you for your help.
You sir just blow my mind, I am so grateful for this content. This description is 💯 of me and I hated myself for it along with others. Thank you and thank you... It's a Christmas gift form the universe that I landed in your videos. Life changing
I appreciate the feedback. Glad to hear this content is of benefit for you. Good to know you deeply resonate with the video. Thank you for your comment. If you haven't already heard about it, you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more www.alanrobarge.com.adrquiz The course is one response to changing this pattern.
Thank you Alan. For me it's not an ex. It's an attractive, intelligent, resourceful, considerate coworker who symbolizes the kind of men I didn't grow up with. I grew up with pervs and pedophiles.
This is the battle I've been fighting (and losing) for the last 10 years. My parents were perfect and did everything they could for me growing up and even after. My problem is I'm not a very self confident person and I feel like if someone else can give me validation of being worthy then maybe I can find worth within myself and give my drive to be better. I know that's stupid but that's how I feel. I try and figure out where it came from and I guess it comes from being bullied as a kid for being overweight and I didn't want to constantly feel like I was letting my parents down by getting into fights in school so I just took it and maybe all those years it just chipped away at what self esteem I had. Plus the fact that I'm constantly rejected by women. That and when I met my 2nd ex I fell super deep in love with her and she was a cruel person and ripped my heart out and stomped it into the ground. Between her and my other ex I have even more trust issues compounded on the other stuff along with depressing and anxiety and it drives me insane to the point that I would just end it all but it would kill my parents and they have tried too hard for me to do that to them.
Validating, yes. But also confusing. I’m doing a lot of inner child work because obsessing over exes has kept me stuck. Now I’m realizing that I need to love myself. But every time I get near someone who wants a relationship, I crumble and have to start from square one. I’m starting to believe that love isn’t real.
Alan, I truly appreciate your videos. It's all making more and more sense, finally, after all these years I have some answers. I feel validated...even a little self-compassion is eminating from within. I like the way you present the information...it flows very nicely and I understand it on a gut level. Thanks again!
Working through the looping thoughts can be challenging and tiring. When a relationship ends we benefit from knowing grieving skills. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. If you value learning and would like resources on processing grief then consider joining the Improve Your Relationships Community. It is based on Self-Directed Healing where members are encouraged to create their own healing plans. You get to pick and choose what you want to work on. Members report feeling supported by having a space to share their healing processes with others. Start your Self-Directed Healing plan today: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I’m a little over two months past the break up, his choice. I still think of him every day. Makes sense that he has become my “place keeper” as he was the most recent person who avoided emotionally attuning with me. Happened with my dad and still does. Has happened with other exes. Happened with my mom until I was out of college. I’ve purposely stayed single to learn and heal and grow from this. I don’t want to be more jaded, less hopeful, give up on believing that there are people all around the world that are willing and wanting to attune. Healthy people and relationships do exist. ♥️
Ended a 1.5 year relationship because I moved to another continent. Its been 6 months and I cant get over her at all. I’ve tried texting her after 1 month of no contact…but after long talks she decided to call me toxic and blocked me everywhere, haven’t heard from her ever since.
My ex just did that, he dumped be being pregnant after 2 years of dating...My mother discussed with him cuz he took 15.000 just before the breakup and didnt gave it back so my mom said to him was an abuse...was enough for him to Block me EVERYWHERE AND CALL ME TOXIC AND HE SAID HE DOESNT WANNA EVEN SEE THE FACE OF THE BABY
Well, I’ve been obsessed with someone who’s recently ended an abusive relationship and couldn’t work out why I thought about them all the time. This has opened my eyes and feels as if this video and content was directed at me! Wow.
Wow thank you for this! Very helpful just this one video. These thoughts can be very exhausting. I’ve even found myself overthinking in my sleep and waking up exhausted! It’s gotten better but yes it’s not so much the person as it is the placeholder of that person as you said! Thank you for helping me to realize that. It’s like taking the bandaid off of an open wound that I haven’t dealt with which is abandonment which I ultimately endured in the relationship when I needed my spouse the most. So now that I know what it is, those feelings, I can deal with that accordingly and discontinue the focus on the other person.
thank you so much. this really validated my frustrated feelings of constantly thinking about my ex, altho i ended the relationship due to unmet needs. I even felt frustrated while i was talking about him to my friends after the relationship ended 4 months ago. i really appreciate you.
I hear you. Many of us can relate with these feelings of frustration. It can be challenging. Glad this video spoke to you. If this video is helpful then you may also taking part in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. I welcome you joining us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
After 10 months of relentless trauma brain after a bad breakup from a relationship that I don't even want anymore, I figured out that my breakup had torn open a terrible attachment wound in me. I lost a very dear sibling in my late adolescence, which made my entire adult life much darker and lonelier than it would have been otherwise. When I stumbled across this video today, your explanation really clarified this realization. I know now that I'm not losing my mind. Thank you.
Empathy goes out to you. This sounds painful and I'm sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing that this video was helpful. Many of us can relate with trauma brain.
Thank you so very much! You provided answers to these things that confused me. It’s been going on for months and it’s ridiculous because I didn’t feel nourished at all in the relationship so it wasn’t a loss!
Glad my work brings you benefit. It has taken me years of study and healing process to uncover these dynamics and share them with others. Thank you for valuing my effort. Also, if this video is helpful then you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Learn more by taking the quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
My gf broke up with me a little more than a year ago and I’ve had an issue of not being able to get her out of my mind, it seems like I’m always thinking about her. She cheated on me and left me for another man. They broke up and we were getting together for about 6 months while we were broken up. I’ve tried deleting her from social media, texts, calls, getting rid of anything to do with her. Some how I always find a way of thinking about her again. I wish I could just get delete her from my past.
Many can relate with this. Empathy to you. Good to see you were engaged with this content. These can be challenging dynamics to navigate. Thanks for responding. If you haven't already heard about it, you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz The course is one response to this challenge.
Thank you for this. I may have lost hope otherwise. As you stated, I have had a lack of connection over the course of my life, I have not felt wanted or nourished, it’s extremely embarrassing, and depressing as I always viewed life as to be shared. Now I look at the majority of my life as a waste. It hurts, but accepting this is so much better than the nonstop cycling.
Excellent content ! Truly . Very logical , informative and so well explained. Uplifting and deeply helpful man. This is great self help content without paying thousand for a therapy , love this guy .
This is amazing.This is me. Abused by father, abandoned emotionally, threatened and betrayed, severe parental alienation. I am still grieving this, trying to accept it. This is why I have this exact problem you describe. It causes me so much suffering. Depression, anxiety. I am going to beat this. I will not stop fighting.
Empathy to you. I hear you that this is challenging history. Glad you are exploring grieving. In the Improve Your Relationships Community grieving skills is a recurring topic. Getting support from others who are also learning can be helpful. I see your commitment and focus. Thanks for the comment.
I literally just want to go and hug you. I always thought I made this up. Everything you described I would always cry wolf about. I been in therapy for 6 years and my therapist not once brought this issue up. I suffered in silence horribly. Every waking moment I was a broken record player. I cannot thank you enough for this video. Thank you.
I'm glad to hear this video was helpful for you. Thank you for valuing my work. Many of us can relate struggling with this challenge of looping thinking. It's helpful to learn new skills with others who are also learning. If this content is beneficial for you then you may also want to join the Improve Your Relationships Community. It is based on Self-Directed Healing where members are encouraged to create their own healing plans. There is a full video library with 24/7 access, worksheets and informational posts. You get to pick and choose what you want to focus on. Come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community You have good awareness and reflecting as you did is beneficial for recognizing patterns. We have different ways we react and cope with emotional absence. There are different ways we show up during attachment distress. We can build understanding for ourselves and others by learning about attachment distress. If you are interested in building relationship skills and want to know about attachment behaviors then The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course is for you. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Thanks again for your comment and letting me know this video was helpful.
I am so glad I watched this video as I have been feeling so ashamed of the way my mind has been doing this regarding a recent ex who disrespected me so much but who I could not get out of my head. Thank you for explaining this. It makes a lot of sense alongside what I am already covering in therapy.
Two years on and I feel the trauma isn't just the loss but the thought of someone new just scares me or is still too hard to imagine. Really struggling 😕
There is a lot of music that keeps reminding me of my ex. and I keep going on his fb page a lot! I feel like i can't let him go! And this person. Is stuck in my mind. there are these damn! Sings that give me bad feelings about my past.
Glad to hear this video was helpful for you. Thank you for valuing my effort. If you like this video then you may also like being part of our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Oh the point of view that the problem is the relationship itself not because of you or something wrong with your ex- partner. It has helped me to stop complaining myself and the other. It released me from the pain so much. Thank you for your huge efforts. I admire your job
Thank you for the feedback. Yes, many find that perspective helpful to see the forest from the tree so to speak. I'm glad to hear you are receiving benefit from my videos. Thank you for valuing my work. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for letting me know my video was helpful.
Alan💞 I've watched so many UA-cam videos on this subject you are brilliant💕 you are one of the best that I've ever heard💞 you have actually helped change my life I've been suffering with obsession for 40 years and you have helped me to have a breakthrough💞 I've been in therapy for 40 years with different therapists... I'm 61 years old and you have helped for me to heal this to grow to finally feel free and be happy💖 thank you so much Merry Christmas💕
Mary, thank you for the kind, supportive comment. Many of us can relate with struggling with obsessive states of mind. Good for you for investing in your healing. I am glad to hear that you are finding value in my work. If you would like to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out these links: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community unity, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for letting me know the video was helpful.
Thanks for the feedback. Glad my work brings benefit. If this video is helpful then you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I'm glad to hear that this video resonated with you! It's sometimes necessary for us to get these reality checks so that we can start making steps toward learning, growing, and healing. Since this topic resonated with you, you may be interested in checking out my membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you my friend, this was much needed. I knew and have known it wasn’t about her for a long time, I wanted to walk away for two weeks before it ended. This helped significantly as well as your other videos regarding trauma
You are so welcome. Good insight. Thanks for your reflections. Glad this video is helpful. If this video is helpful then you may also be interested in learning what drives this behavior with the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Thank you so much for this. I am struggling with this currently because I am going through a very hard divorce. I feel like I have to constantly be on top of the next thing he might be doing to protect myself. Not to mention the abandonment stuff.
Wow! Over 40 years of doing this. I thought I was just crazy or that my partners were. What a great insight! Now maybe I can figure out how to change it. Thank you Very much for taking the time to share. I know it is a big commitment and takes an enormous amount of energy!
So, about minute 18 you're saying to look at the camera instead of the picture. Look at the record player instead of the disc. This is a timely video for me. I've been running my tape alllll day today. And I'm tired, indeed.
Polly, thanks for letting me know this video was helpful for you. Since you liked this video you might also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
this video is EXACTLY what I'm going through. Don't think I've ever understood exactly what it was until now. I know the relationship does not fulfill me and I still ruminate over this person and obsess over it, wonder about it, even if I was the one to break up and I was not happy.
Makes a lot of sense, haven't been able to let go of my ex in my mind or stop obsessing over if I did the right thing leaving even though we were very clearly only hurting each other. I take it the best way to find that love and validation is within yourself, just wish it wasn't so much easier said than done
Thank you for your kind words and appreciation for my work. That means a lot, and I'm happy to know that this video resonated with you. I have countless more videos available through my course The Four Attachment Distress Responses and my online Community, Improve Your Relationships. Both the course and the Community provides videos just like this one - informative, helpful, engaging. The content otherwise is incredibly helpful too, allowing you to discuss, learn, grow, and heal within yourself. Check out the course: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on UA-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on UA-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
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Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
Really grateful for your channel
Thank you for this caring and respectful statement. You truly make us feel valued.
so true about waking up and only having a few seconds of peace before being bombarded with the rumination/obsession.
Thanks for the comment. Being bombarded with rumination can be constricting. Glad this video resonates for you. If you like this video please also share it with a friend who may benefit. Thanks.
Agree 100%. For me, the rumination is by far the worst of all the aftermath emotions. Five years on and I’m still stuck in the cycle.
This is exactly what happens to me ...its exhausting trying to get through a day 😪
This is me. Everyday. I'm exhausted and tired.
@@Shabaka87 the pain it causes is horrific ....so tired of it all 😢
This belongs on national television.
Tia Dobi agreed!
Yes!! 👏👏
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I m not obsessing! They let me nothing else to do... No other people to relate to, no occupation nothing.....
Lol
Therefore the remarks of others " Aren't you over that yet?!" is the most cruel remark on earth!
That adds insult to injury. I know how painful it is.
@@stephanyvaldez1698 my gf cheated on me. I stayed with her for a couple more years, but could never get over what she did. She would tell me "you just need to get over it- you hold things above peoples heads- you hold onto things too long, blah blah blah. She's an evil person.
Absolutely!
My brother said to me 'you wasn't happy and neither was he, let it go'. I now feel even more alone because he was my support but now I feel embarrassed to bring my breakup up.
there is a point where it needs to be said, ie when you see someone tearing themselves apart with complex grief
my rumination isn't about "what is so-n-so doing" or the like. mine is "how could someone be with someone for 10 yrs and they not ever give a flying f%^& about u??" and coming to grips with that reality.
Earthing Earthling 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽Perfectly said.
Prob bc they are cluster b
Girl yes it is so insane! I feel you
This may not be entirely so.....?
Its possible my hubby of 13 years just upped & left
Was sitting enjoying a good time w friends, and there was a lull in the conversation, and my mind literally jumped back to my obsessing over my ex…I actually caught myself and all I could do was shake my head and wondered how much longer this nonsense would go on.
I am just learning I have seperation anxiety from childhood trauma/neglect but I have experienced this in every single relationship and even though I'm a social worker I could not understand why I do this. Ive "waited" for exes to come back for years thinking of them daily, wasting years of my life. For example, I've done this for the past 8 months over a 2 month relationship. Prior to that I did this for over 2 years over a 6 month relationship. I've cried on too many occasions to even count because I didn't know what was wrong with me and it is mentally exhausting. I would just think "Im not like normal people. It takes me so long to recover from a broken heart" and this causes me to stay alone. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.
I have the exact same problem girl 😓 it’s so exhausting! I’ve been extremely heartbroken for 6 months over a 1 month relationship!
Deirdre Martinez. I'm still waiting after 43 years.
Deirdra Martinez omg...ditto. I honestly felt alone. I found this video by accident, after watching the Holistic Psychologist page. As much as people love to joke about mommy or daddy issues, I repressed the fact that I’ve had some serious abandonment and separation anxiety issues that were deep rooted. I had a partner whom I felt was the love of my life. We dated twice and they left me both times and I felt shattered both times. (Local summer fling, then another attempt at a LDR, since we didn’t live in the same state). I remember feeling such a familiarity in my gut when I’d drop them off to the airport after visits: this overwhelming panic and uncontrollable crying. I only ever had that same feeling whenever I’d leave my mother’s house after biweekly visitations. My mother wrestled with drug addiction throughout my entire childhood and there would be years at a time where I wouldn’t see her, so I’ve always had attachment issues. Anywho, this video did bring to light some things I’ve failed to acknowledge.
Deirdra Martinez when my ex and I split the final time, they more or less admitted that they probably were making a mistake and that they were probably leaving “the one that got away”. I always felt that I’d see said person five years post-break up, after we got into new relationships, and it’d leave me gutted. In the past, I’ve felt that I’ve had unfinished business with this person, but holy hell, it’s super apparent by them that it’s not a matched feeling and desire. It just sucks to miss the stable, healthy, passionate and great things you shared.
@@FromTheAshes7 hello dear friend...I m too suffering post break up.... trying very hard to move on...but unable to forget her, I can't even sleep properly, her face appears
He is spot on. This obsessing is like a love addiction. Im going through this now and it was only a two month relationship. Really crazy.
how have you overcome it? literally in the same position.
@@aishwaryavijay8787 me too rn… that’s crazy.. I thought I was alone in this 😞
@@marcelaperez4126 same here
Same... I'm struggling so much everyday, only 2 month relationship as well.
Same here..I can't wait to be free from thinking about her
It’s also a constant jealousy for me. Constantly thinking about him being with other people and seeing him do so on social media.
How are you now? How’s it going now?
@@evearcana2392 I got over it completely! It takes time but you’ll get there.
@@TheTurquoiseAlien I appreciate this comment. Thanks Morgan.
Its been over a year for me and im still having this backseat jealousy. How did you get over it? Did you find a sense of nourishment/love/emotional fulfilment from another external source?
@@kayaxe ^^ also curious to know this :) (commenting again so the person sees this)
I think a lot of my obsessiveness was created because I made such a fool of myself during and especially after the breakup. My ego knew this and wanted so badly to correct the mistakes. So naturally I tried everything to get back with her, but it was too little, too late. The more she rejected me, the more I panicked. That panic then became my obsession. It's now been 3 1/2 years and sadly I'm still obsessed. I haven't spoken to her in a whole year and I imagine she's in another relationship. I've done pretty much everything in the book to let her go but my ego simply won't accept that she's gone. Just yesterday I threw away a sweater she had left at my house which was sitting tucked away in my drawer for all this time. That sweater was the only thing I had of hers so you better believe it meant a lot to me. It was so powerful that I couldn't even look at it. But I knew I had to throw it away. And so I decided that I had to. I literally reached for the sweater without even looking at it and placed it in a bag like a dead animal. I tied the bag and man-o-man, the trouble I had letting it go. But I eventually dumped it. Not that anything positive has happened I mean it's just a dumb, lifeless sweater but the meaning behind it really was significant. Anyway, I'm really struggling still and I know this on a concious level but I'm completely powerless. I pray to God almost everyday to give me a chance at life just one more time. 1 more time and I'll never, ever take advantage of a situation or an SO ever again. I just want to move past this because I deserve it. I've paid my dues. I feel I've paid my karmic debt. It's my turn at happiness. Please lord, Universe, whoever is listening, grant me this:)
I hope you're doing better today!
ugh I know exactly what you're feeling. I did so many things wrong...
@@stereodyke Hey buddy, how are you feeling now? Did it get better for you?
My new motto..... Ex-name is a symbol. It is not about him, but about me.
Made sense to me as well ...I'm ruminating over an ex who is more a symbol /personification of my ideal gf.
Powerful
I know a strong and spiritual one who can help you bring your Ex back
How are you now 4 years on??
@@johngallagher72 how are you now 3 years later?
This is a deep video. My ex represented the love and acceptance that I longed and still long for.
Oh wow… out of thousands of videos on breakups, this one really hit home.
Empathy to you.
It is so exhausting when this happens. It then makes me mad that I can't stop. Thank you for talking about this.
Yes, this has happened to me too. My parents were very dysfunctional. I never had a loving experience particularly with my mother. I truly believe people can mess you up, especially parents. We long for love and acceptance. So so sad. It truly does drain you and steals all your energy.
This is a brilliant explanation of why some of us badly struggle with letting go of the ex.
I always thought it was a narcissistic trait in myself to think that I was finding it more difficult than some other people to move on but I am coming to understand there is a gaping attachment wound.
This was extremely helpful, my obsession is not even somebody with whom I`ve had meaningful relationship and yet still after 8 months my brain loops in circles.
Currently looping over someone I only ever texted for 3 weeks.
Only 2 mths for me and im looping.
I'm just so glad to know I'm not going crazy! LoL! It's been a yr since me an my ex broke up an sometimes my mind get out of control but I can say since I gave my life to Jesus it's getting better an I this to shall pass! Be blessed my brother
For the first time in 7 years - FINALLY I have found someone who can put words to what i am experiencing!! THANKYOU!!!!
Wow! Thanks! I couldn't figure out why I kept thinking about him, even though it was LOGICALLY obvious that he was so, so wrong for me! Now I understand that he represented my unmet needs. That is such an eye opener!
I found these videos just in time, never knew that my terrible pain and anxiety in relationships was due to attachment trauma. I just ended a relationship and I was almost suicidal...that pain was incredible..and didn't know where it comes and didn't had a logical answer. Even if I knew that was a toxic relationship and we didn't fit each other, it was impossible for me to end it because every time I was in contact with that person my pain vanish, like a drug..It has been two months since I somehow ended up..i still thinking at her and experience some sadness and pain but not at that intensity. Thank you so much for this video Sir, just subscribed, can't wait to see all of them.
you are not alone im going through this same thing..it will get better!
You just described me man. I hope all is good now.
Yep remember pain always goes away, may take awhile, but the bigger the pain the bigger the gain, took me 2 years but I'm a better, stronger person, truth is everyone has to go through this at some point in their life when you lose someone, any body who doesn't isn't human..or just have been very lucky 🤣, but for the rest of us just remember it won't last forever and it's totally normal as you need to grieve especially if it's the first time, so give yourself a break and let it out, holding it in would be what's not good for you, this is a time for family and friends, don't try and get it from the attachment you won't heal that way...be there wrote the tee-shirt 😂😂
I am going through horrible breakeup now. Your videos are helping me so much. Thank you.
So glad to have found this. I've been stuck in the loop for about 18 months, new information occasionally flaring it up when I felt it was going quiet at last. This video makes me feel like Im not going mad and Im not this crazy obsessive.
Glad this video speaks to you. Many of us have also been there.
So important to keep this conversation going. If this video is helpful then you may also like the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. This topic comes up in our conversations. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
There it is... So this is not about her. it's not her that i need. it's the urge of getting validation and warmth. This makes sense... Thank you!
It took me 5yrs to get over a 3yr relationship....it was toxic but i was so in love. I still cant understand how it took that long to heal and that makes me afraid if i fall that hard again.
how did you let go/move on from them?
Please tell us what was your journey to healing
This is so accurate to what I’m going through relentlessly for the past 7 months. Thanks for making this video. I do think I’ve made them the symbol of the acceptance and love that I always wanted and now feel I’ve lost (despite the fact that they didn’t treat me well) I also do think it really is about the deeper problem of my own history of feeling disconnected and lonely that I’ve struggled with for a long time.
You are quite literally getting me through life right now with these videos. I put them on as I get ready for work so I can feel good enough to get to work so I don’t call out. Thank you
I'm glad to hear that my videos resonate with you and that you find them beneficial and valuable. It's great to know that you're investing your time and energy into learning and healing.
If you find my videos interesting and helpful, I created an 8-week program of self-directed healing work to put healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look big picture at how attachment injuries and attachment trauma got set up on our lives we are able to begin to see longing from a new perspective. We also gain access to inner resources that shift our relationship to the longing. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. If this is something that interests you, you are welcome to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Yes this is helpful! Im sitting here sobbing because I knew my mental obession is not normal or healthy. This will set me on path to healing. Thank you.
Thanks for sharing your grief. Many of us can relate.
This topic comes up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. If you'd like to learn more take the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
I’m 29 and my ex is 37. I met her when I was 25. We lived in the same apartment complex at the time. After a year of seeing each other in passing, we both always noticed that we never had strange people over or one night stands etc.
One day I asked her for her number. We went on a walk and next thing you know we live together. For 3 years things were great and the final 9months were constant fighting. Her not wanting to see my family, me not wanting to do the hobbies and activities she wanted. In the end she left me because I was too weak to let her go. She wouldn’t stay because I wasn’t ready to marry. I know she loves me and I love her. Of course we have our faults but I felt like I was physically and emotionally obsessed with her and she was financially and physically needing of me. I lost my energy. I can’t handle not being with her but I wonder if she feels regret or guilt and wants to see me again.
I am in a 24/7 loop of constantly wondering how can she make it through life without me? But I know she can and I know I can I just hate dealing with something I didn’t want to happen and always always always wish I could have treated her better. Thanks for reading for anyone who read this. We all deserve love and forgiveness.
Unpopular O’pinion Why don't you try to contact her again and see how she is? Maybe if you are realizing all this you are ready to heal your traumatic wounds from the past. Maybe she is doing the same. You never know unless you reach out.
She’s also thinking about you 24/7 and waiting for you to reach out
This really hit home for me. I am currently 42 and married to a wonderful man who is sweet, kind, and handsome and could not figure out why my brain kept getting stuck on this one guy from so long ago. My brain keeps thinking about this boyfriend I had in college 21 years ago and we only dated for maybe 6-7 months. I keep asking myself "Why am I even giving this guy a single thought??? We dated for a short time decades ago!" I wish I could erase him from my mind completely. But everything you said made 100% sense to me! I have childhood attachment trauma from neglect, and that boyfriend represents a time in my life when I felt my attachment needs most met (in my youth).
Thank you so much for posting this!
Glad this speaks to you. I can tell this video sparked reflection for you by what you shared. Our brain does it's own thing sometimes. Thank you for valuing my effort. It has taken me years of study and healing process to express and share these topics with others. Glad it brings value.
Since this video is helpful, you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. It goes more into how our past influences our choices in relationships. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
This is the worst thing that ever happened to me. I had exactly what he describes. Living hell. Pain, desperate faint hope, anguish. Help! I lost my mother when I was 3 and this made me extra vulnerable. A rebound relationship gave me temporary respite for brief periods. Then at my lowest low I met the love of my life quite by chance. We became friends and then more. I can't imagine how I would have gotten out of this madness without this happening. Scares me so much just to think about that. Haunts me. If you are going through this, I wish you strength. You will find love again however impossible it seems. Love and peace.
Paul, it sounds like you are not in this place anymore?
I wish it was only months. I realized that my ex stopped being a person and become a symbol for my own failings years ago... yet, even all these years later, when she crosses my mind, that desperation to be wanted by someone starts to consume me.
Even after all these years, I have never been able to open up or trust others. I don’t really even have many friends. It’s like... I know I must change, but the power is beyond my reach...
Aw. How are you doing today?
You said this perfectly about the lack of love in you recent life or the life before them that makes them as a placeholder. I was tearing up! But the thing is I really do still love her, even though there were times it was shaky, I saw a future with her, and while I gave my time and effort I wonder if I messed up somewhere, now she's with someone else gone for me for good and I'm here with the loop nonstop. I'm very much lonely, but because I'm lonely isn't what makes me think of her I genuinely love her. So I don't know what to do, because the morning thing you described it perfectly! Sometimes I get 10 seconds of clarity and sometimes the moment I wake up boom that sense of awareness where I stand hits so hard....really hard. To the point where I can't even get up. If it wasn't for my job I think I would be in bed 24/7
This felt like a lightbulb going on, I’m 54 years old and finally I understand why I form unhealthy attachments.
I lost 7 years of my life thinking about someone who moved on from me in about a day lol... the sudden realization when you wake up from that trance that youve spent years grieving for someone who completely moved on from you is so humilliating... Its like waking up from a dream cause you create this whole relationship in your head and truly only you in your brain has experienced it and youre not sure whats real and what your brain made up... And it's hard even now that I am better... but I realize now that it was all because of my attachment problems...
Karla, as painful as it is, you are not alone. Many of us can relate. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. Consider joining in the conversation. You are not alone. www.alanrobarge.com/community
How are you going now and what helped?
@@andrewmcfarlane3274 would love to say there was something special I tried but honestly it took time and life experience. Also realizing people are trying their best, they're probably not monsters just having a human experience like the rest of us.
What baffles me, is how long the pain lasts. Since my separation in December 2019, the maelstorm of fear, loss, anxiety persists to this day. I haven't woken up once without immediately thinking of her. And despite all she has done to me ... the rejection, the lies, the manipulation ... I cannot stop thinking and ruminating about her, us and what was. I feel it shifting from feelings of intense hatred to deep longing ... feelings of " perhaps she will come back" to "may she suffer as I did". It seems as if my entire world just rotates around all these feelings. And no matter how many new positive developments come about in my life ... they are soon overshadowed by remembrances of her. Sadness prevails. I have tried therapy, distracting myself, I have even met someone new ... and now I find myself comparing... The split up has also left my libido in a doldrum for months on end. I often wonder what it will take to become my own self again. People say, time heals all wounds. Then why does this one feels like multiple stabs to the coronary?
How are you feeling now?
Wow Alan you are a genius! This is so profound and well understood. So many people lack the ability to emotionally connect with someone. I will admit i have also been challenged by this to be vulnerable to someone else. I have a history of abandonment by people who i loved the most. It is such a difficult cycle to break that gets triggered by every person i come to admire walk away from my life. How do you have control over your mind? I think just by being more compassionate and loving to yourself you slowly break it. Thank you so much! This has been the most interesting and astonishing piece i have ever heard.
Absolutely brilliant , this is me down to a tee. It helps to know why and what is happening to me. I have been in this spiral again 14 months now after my partner of 5.5 years left me. She was not even a good, kind caring partner but I still have the intense longing to reconnect . Thank you for all you do.
Social media makes this worse because it's easy to check up on your ex, what they're doing, who they're dating etc.
This is right on. Exactly on. The problem is what to do about it. Knowing this doesn't make me feel any better. I still feel the same pain and misery.
Thanks for the question. Many people ask similar questions like, "What do I do next?" or "How do I heal?" The answer is it depends. We choose to map out our direction and create action-plans. In the Improve Your Relationships Community members create Self-Directed Healing Plans which offer self-accountability. There are also educational resources available such a video library, worksheets, and informational posts to help you get one step closer to clarity. Members have also reported gaining insight from sharing healing processes with each other. Start mapping out your action-plan and check out the community.
www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you for this! My daughters dad died a few months ago and then an off an on ex I’ve known for four years, well let’s just say he discarded me like trash and validated doing that, and I realized I’m traumatized. I already have complex ptsd from other things, but seeing my daughters dad I knew half my life in a coffin and holding our daughter while he laid lifeless, and then to also grieve someone still alive has just been a kick to the throat. Im grieving two men at once both very significant people that played roles in my life…..
Thank you for sharing your grief. Empathy to you.
I went through this death headache with multiple people. I learned that each person is a reflection of various aspects of ourselves and they are there to teach us lessons about ourselves.
Also, I learned that some losses needed to happen in order for me to accept that life is not a free ride and no one owes me anything.
How do I let go of obsessive guilt about toxic people I have eliminated from my life? I run into some of these people and I get literally scared of them and I need help to overcome that fear too..
What you said was amazing I'm going through the same thing with a guy who just used me for sex. Wasn't even. Relationship. He never calls me. Horrible
I understand how this would be a huge light bulb moment for most, but I’ve always understood this. The pain is still there. It’s been a year
Empathy to you. I hear you. One day at a time.
Thank you. This is SO WELL explained. I've been there a few times after breakups and it is definitely VERY exhausting. Having to cope with this at the same time of other life changes has brought me to sometimes feel almost numb and with no spark or energy.
Glad the videos are of value and offer benefit for you Suzie. There are so many ideas and layers to contemplate. We explore a number of the ideas about relationships in the membership community. If you want to explore with others, please consider joining us. The community members are kind and supportive. Here is the info if you are interested: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I think it is part of grieving. The end of a relationship is like a death. Even though you know it was toxic for you, even if you ended it, there is still grief & the wound has to heal. Do not pick off the scabs. Let it heal. 💜
Exactly; grief is an unavoidable part of an ending relationship, but it can be overwhelming, painful, and difficult to heal and process.
Grief is one of the topics we cover in the 8 week online community program I created. There is a full video library in the community for members to access 24/7 and a whole section of videos on the topic of grief.
We explore the "how" in the community. Practicing these skills is essential to learning new behaviors and having new experiences. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful as an adjunct to therapy. Please consider joining us in the conversation over at Improve Your Relationships. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Humanity is not complete without kind and wise words like yours! Thanks Sir Alan!
Thank you for the kind words and thank you for valuing my effort. It's important to keep the conversation going.
You're invited to join us in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Wow!! This is SPOT on. I’m leaving an abusive partner that doesn’t think he was abusive, and it’s got my mind whipped up. For months and months I was strong and made it, but now, he is all I think about all day every day. I’m not sleeping, it’s literally looping over and over. This was SO helpful!
This is very simple and profound, and I haven't if at all felt this completely before my ex left me. They represented all these things for me and I have felt nothing but unhappiness since it ended. Also, I believe I was love bombed by this person because they mirrored me so they were like the perfect person, emotionally, romantically, socially, everything I ever wanted in my life from a essentially, what I thought was the perfect mate. Then they left me, no warning, no arguments, nothing bad happened they just bailed and sent me an e-mail and I hurt like someone died. I was craving for what I go from them and than it ended. I came to believe I was involved with someone with a cluster B type personality, but this person has not been diagnosed and I cannot diagnose them. However, the pattern is there because I was their deal person also, than it changed over night and I was left stunned and destroyed. They blamed me, and went back to their ex even though I did nothing wrong, its never ended inside for me and this was last December. All I want to do is talk to them again, see them one more time, anything, but it's just so fudged up. This guy is on point.
This might be the most relatable video I have ever watched, it feels like every little thing I do or see brings up a memory of me and my ex.
She broke up with me and made it clear she does not want to be together, but I still for some reason feel attached to her, I try to distract myself but it feels like I'm psychotic the way all my memories replay in my mind.
I wish I could get past this it has been a month since we broke up and we were dating for 5 years, she was my first ever girlfriend and my first ever love.
When my dog died I was 8 years old and I lost my best friend, I think that subconsciously caused me to be attached to her and not let go. I also cut off all my friends and family for my ex while we were together.
Empathy to you. Many of us have also been there. It can be a challenging place to be in. Glad this video spoke to you. Thanks for valuing my work.
If this video is helpful then you may also like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Although it doesn't address this behavior directly, it does talk about the origins of it as attachment trauma symptoms. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
My god - this is like a light bulb moment for me. Wow... I'm going to play this on a loop. I was literally going crazy thinking of my ex. I'm pretty sure that I was demonstrating secure attachment in the (short) relationship - but I can see / feel that my own lack of love (receiving love) and childhood trauma, is being talked about here. Great video. Honestly - this is gold for me. Thank you.
It makes me sad watching my crush destroy herself because she believes that there's no one else for her than her ex. Al her hopes. Thrown out the window. It's saddens me to watch her in this state. But she won't give up because he got to her first.
Wow. This was so accurate to the grief I am experiencing currently. I am 4 months out of a broken engagement. I was absolutely crushed at first. I realized I miss his friendship and the comfort of having something to constantly work on to avoid working on my own life and career. After our breakup, I’ve done my best to channel that love into my friendships and family relationships. I have longer and deeper talks with family and friends now. I am not as afraid to share intimacy with them. I also am leaning into my career goals and putting myself first instead of prioritizing being worn and finding a man. I realized my need for a relationship comes from a deep fear that I cannot make it on my own and that I need someone else to guide me. Your videos are so helpful. Thank you! ❤
wow, thanks for your reflections. You have great insight. These dynamics can surely be challenging to navigate. Glad to hear the videos are helpful. Thank you for valuing my work.
Also, since the videos are helpful, I want to share about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. The Community includes topics on all types of relationships, not just partner relationships. If you like the videos then you may also like getting in on the Community conversations. You're invited to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you.
It's a relief to know it's NOT him- it's from All the things of the past.
Glad this is helpful. Good insight in your reflection. Thanks for valuing my work.
To understand more about this behavior you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Okay we all get your point of this loop and preoccupation of the loss. I want to know how to make it stop! It feels like I’m going nuts! I was engaged to my neighbor, my best friend, and my boss (all the same person!). He really was my everything and I’m trying to keep a civilized professional relationship with him as he is still helping me out and letting me keep my job until I can get on my feet. He broke up with me on Christmas Day as we were spending time with my two little boys who are 7 & 8. One moment we’re looking at buying a house together that seemed perfect for us and the next moment he’s upset with how things are going and dumps me, throws his ring under the car (we both wore promise rings) and tells me to give him his keys back. I had a key to his house and a key to his car. He was my provider. He was supposed to be my rock. My place of comfort. I seriously wanted to die! I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me in. What happened with him I couldn’t explain what went wrong but I asked him two days later as we were still swapping things out and it was killing me. I sobbed uncontrollably and asked him to hug me and hold me and he pushed me away. He shut the door in my face! Again I just wanted to die! I slept on it and the next day I promised him that I would keep it professional and he told me that I need to move on and let him go. I’ve got that trauma headache and it started last night and it won’t give up! I don’t want to let this go and I didn’t want this to happen but he says he no longer loves me! I need help! I gave this my all and I love him so much! I just wanted him to love me back and give me attention and affection! It is exhausting... I try to be okay for my little ones but I keep having massive breakdowns. I don’t think he’ll ever come back to me because I’m not what he wanted.
OMG you're a freaking genius! I'm dealing with this exact same problem. I called off my engagement last august, told her i wanted her out of my life. She moved out and I was doing amazing until 2 weeks ago after learning shes with someone else and this wave of crushing pain and jealousy hit me out of nowhere and have had this loop about her playing over and over just like u say. I also have anxiety and ruminate about a lot of things so I'm sure that doesn't help. Thank you for validating what I feel is not a mental issue but a rather serious brain wired problem that I'm capable of overcoming. THANK YOU!!
I appreciate the feedback. Empathy to you as you process. Good for you for noticing the looping state of mind and reaching out for resources. When there is emotional absence we have anxiety from the attachment distress. It sounds like you are mapping out a healing direction to explore. Thanks for commenting.
I am literally in tears. I feel so free. This info has freed me. ❤
I appreciate the feedback. Thank you for sharing this video was moving for your.
Please share this video on other social sites to help spread the word on topics like this. Thank you for your help.
You sir just blow my mind, I am so grateful for this content. This description is 💯 of me and I hated myself for it along with others. Thank you and thank you... It's a Christmas gift form the universe that I landed in your videos. Life changing
Greetings, 👆🏻📧 I can help you attract back your ex lover within three days... 🙏🏻Namaste!!!!
I appreciate the feedback. Glad to hear this content is of benefit for you. Good to know you deeply resonate with the video. Thank you for your comment.
If you haven't already heard about it, you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more www.alanrobarge.com.adrquiz The course is one response to changing this pattern.
Thank you Alan. For me it's not an ex. It's an attractive, intelligent, resourceful, considerate coworker who symbolizes the kind of men I didn't grow up with. I grew up with pervs and pedophiles.
This is the battle I've been fighting (and losing) for the last 10 years. My parents were perfect and did everything they could for me growing up and even after. My problem is I'm not a very self confident person and I feel like if someone else can give me validation of being worthy then maybe I can find worth within myself and give my drive to be better. I know that's stupid but that's how I feel. I try and figure out where it came from and I guess it comes from being bullied as a kid for being overweight and I didn't want to constantly feel like I was letting my parents down by getting into fights in school so I just took it and maybe all those years it just chipped away at what self esteem I had. Plus the fact that I'm constantly rejected by women. That and when I met my 2nd ex I fell super deep in love with her and she was a cruel person and ripped my heart out and stomped it into the ground. Between her and my other ex I have even more trust issues compounded on the other stuff along with depressing and anxiety and it drives me insane to the point that I would just end it all but it would kill my parents and they have tried too hard for me to do that to them.
Validating, yes. But also confusing. I’m doing a lot of inner child work because obsessing over exes has kept me stuck. Now I’m realizing that I need to love myself. But every time I get near someone who wants a relationship, I crumble and have to start from square one. I’m starting to believe that love isn’t real.
Alan,
I truly appreciate your videos. It's all making more and more sense, finally, after all these years I have some answers. I feel validated...even a little self-compassion is eminating from within.
I like the way you present the information...it flows very nicely and I understand it on a gut level. Thanks again!
You absolutely described the obsession of the ex perfectly...the headache won't stop and im beyond tired and heart broken
Working through the looping thoughts can be challenging and tiring. When a relationship ends we benefit from knowing grieving skills. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. If you value learning and would like resources on processing grief then consider joining the Improve Your Relationships Community. It is based on Self-Directed Healing where members are encouraged to create their own healing plans. You get to pick and choose what you want to work on. Members report feeling supported by having a space to share their healing processes with others. Start your Self-Directed Healing plan today: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I’m a little over two months past the break up, his choice. I still think of him every day. Makes sense that he has become my “place keeper” as he was the most recent person who avoided emotionally attuning with me. Happened with my dad and still does. Has happened with other exes. Happened with my mom until I was out of college. I’ve purposely stayed single to learn and heal and grow from this. I don’t want to be more jaded, less hopeful, give up on believing that there are people all around the world that are willing and wanting to attune. Healthy people and relationships do exist. ♥️
Ended a 1.5 year relationship because I moved to another continent. Its been 6 months and I cant get over her at all. I’ve tried texting her after 1 month of no contact…but after long talks she decided to call me toxic and blocked me everywhere, haven’t heard from her ever since.
My ex just did that, he dumped be being pregnant after 2 years of dating...My mother discussed with him cuz he took 15.000 just before the breakup and didnt gave it back so my mom said to him was an abuse...was enough for him to
Block me EVERYWHERE AND CALL
ME TOXIC AND HE SAID HE DOESNT WANNA EVEN SEE THE FACE OF THE BABY
@@mihb9116 Thats so messed up, sorry to hear that. I hope you and your baby have a great future.
Well, I’ve been obsessed with someone who’s recently ended an abusive relationship and couldn’t work out why I thought about them all the time. This has opened my eyes and feels as if this video and content was directed at me! Wow.
Wow thank you for this! Very helpful just this one video. These thoughts can be very exhausting. I’ve even found myself overthinking in my sleep and waking up exhausted! It’s gotten better but yes it’s not so much the person as it is the placeholder of that person as you said! Thank you for helping me to realize that. It’s like taking the bandaid off of an open wound that I haven’t dealt with which is abandonment which I ultimately endured in the relationship when I needed my spouse the most. So now that I know what it is, those feelings, I can deal with that accordingly and discontinue the focus on the other person.
thank you so much. this really validated my frustrated feelings of constantly thinking about my ex, altho i ended the relationship due to unmet needs. I even felt frustrated while i was talking about him to my friends after the relationship ended 4 months ago. i really appreciate you.
I hear you. Many of us can relate with these feelings of frustration. It can be challenging. Glad this video spoke to you.
If this video is helpful then you may also taking part in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. I welcome you joining us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
After 10 months of relentless trauma brain after a bad breakup from a relationship that I don't even want anymore, I figured out that my breakup had torn open a terrible attachment wound in me. I lost a very dear sibling in my late adolescence, which made my entire adult life much darker and lonelier than it would have been otherwise. When I stumbled across this video today, your explanation really clarified this realization. I know now that I'm not losing my mind. Thank you.
Empathy goes out to you. This sounds painful and I'm sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing that this video was helpful. Many of us can relate with trauma brain.
Thank you so very much! You provided answers to these things that confused me. It’s been going on for months and it’s ridiculous because I didn’t feel nourished at all in the relationship so it wasn’t a loss!
Glad my work brings you benefit. It has taken me years of study and healing process to uncover these dynamics and share them with others. Thank you for valuing my effort.
Also, if this video is helpful then you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Learn more by taking the quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
My gf broke up with me a little more than a year ago and I’ve had an issue of not being able to get her out of my mind, it seems like I’m always thinking about her. She cheated on me and left me for another man. They broke up and we were getting together for about 6 months while we were broken up. I’ve tried deleting her from social media, texts, calls, getting rid of anything to do with her. Some how I always find a way of thinking about her again. I wish I could just get delete her from my past.
Many can relate with this. Empathy to you. Good to see you were engaged with this content. These can be challenging dynamics to navigate. Thanks for responding.
If you haven't already heard about it, you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz The course is one response to this challenge.
Thank you for this. I may have lost hope otherwise. As you stated, I have had a lack of connection over the course of my life, I have not felt wanted or nourished, it’s extremely embarrassing, and depressing as I always viewed life as to be shared. Now I look at the majority of my life as a waste. It hurts, but accepting this is so much better than the nonstop cycling.
I hear you. Empathy to you, many of us have also been there. Wishing you self-gentleness.
OMG! This describes me exactly. Amazing!
Thank you! This is very helpful in going forth and realizimg it's not about that person after all! Definitelty a relief!
Excellent content ! Truly . Very logical , informative and so well explained. Uplifting and deeply helpful man. This is great self help content without paying thousand for a therapy , love this guy .
For over a year this is my life and still continues.
Thank you for clarifying. Now, I can work at the real trauma.
This is amazing.This is me. Abused by father, abandoned emotionally, threatened and betrayed, severe parental alienation. I am still grieving this, trying to accept it. This is why I have this exact problem you describe. It causes me so much suffering. Depression, anxiety. I am going to beat this. I will not stop fighting.
Empathy to you. I hear you that this is challenging history. Glad you are exploring grieving. In the Improve Your Relationships Community grieving skills is a recurring topic. Getting support from others who are also learning can be helpful. I see your commitment and focus. Thanks for the comment.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma Could you please tell me where is this community^ And I cannot find your facebook group. Thank you!
Sure, you can learn about the community here www.alanrobarge.com/community You're welcome.
I literally just want to go and hug you. I always thought I made this up. Everything you described I would always cry wolf about. I been in therapy for 6 years and my therapist not once brought this issue up. I suffered in silence horribly. Every waking moment I was a broken record player. I cannot thank you enough for this video. Thank you.
I'm glad to hear this video was helpful for you. Thank you for valuing my work. Many of us can relate struggling with this challenge of looping thinking. It's helpful to learn new skills with others who are also learning. If this content is beneficial for you then you may also want to join the Improve Your Relationships Community. It is based on Self-Directed Healing where members are encouraged to create their own healing plans. There is a full video library with 24/7 access, worksheets and informational posts. You get to pick and choose what you want to focus on. Come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
You have good awareness and reflecting as you did is beneficial for recognizing patterns. We have different ways we react and cope with emotional absence. There are different ways we show up during attachment distress. We can build understanding for ourselves and others by learning about attachment distress. If you are interested in building relationship skills and want to know about attachment behaviors then The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course is for you. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Thanks again for your comment and letting me know this video was helpful.
I am so glad I watched this video as I have been feeling so ashamed of the way my mind has been doing this regarding a recent ex who disrespected me so much but who I could not get out of my head. Thank you for explaining this. It makes a lot of sense alongside what I am already covering in therapy.
I wish every person who has experience heartbreak could watch this. Thank you so much for this.
Thank you for the kind words and for valuing my effort.
Two years on and I feel the trauma isn't just the loss but the thought of someone new just scares me or is still too hard to imagine. Really struggling 😕
There is a lot of music that keeps reminding me of my ex. and I keep going on his fb page a lot! I feel like i can't let him go! And this person. Is stuck in my mind. there are these damn! Sings that give me bad feelings about my past.
You have no idea how helpful this video was. Thank you so very much.
Glad to hear this video was helpful for you. Thank you for valuing my effort.
If you like this video then you may also like being part of our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited. www.alanrobarge.com/community
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma I will check it out, thank you so much! 🥰
Oh the point of view that the problem is the relationship itself not because of you or something wrong with your ex- partner. It has helped me to stop complaining myself and the other. It released me from the pain so much. Thank you for your huge efforts. I admire your job
Thank you for the feedback. Yes, many find that perspective helpful to see the forest from the tree so to speak. I'm glad to hear you are receiving benefit from my videos. Thank you for valuing my work. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below:
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz
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Thanks again for letting me know my video was helpful.
This was a very interesting perspective to understand what the brain is trying to signal. REALLY makes sense.
Alan💞 I've watched so many UA-cam videos on this subject you are brilliant💕 you are one of the best that I've ever heard💞 you have actually helped change my life I've been suffering with obsession for 40 years and you have helped me to have a breakthrough💞 I've been in therapy for 40 years with different therapists... I'm 61 years old and you have helped for me to heal this to grow to finally feel free and be happy💖 thank you so much Merry Christmas💕
Mary, thank you for the kind, supportive comment. Many of us can relate with struggling with obsessive states of mind. Good for you for investing in your healing. I am glad to hear that you are finding value in my work. If you would like to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out these links:
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Check out the Community unity, Improve Your Relationships
www.alanrobarge.com/community
Make a direct donation
www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Thanks again for letting me know the video was helpful.
It's been 10 years and the hurt is still consuming my heart. I can't bring myself to trust anyone.
this is so helpful. thank you for helping me identify that i have a record and helped slow my record
Thanks for the feedback. Glad my work brings benefit.
If this video is helpful then you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I got a reality check after 2years.... It did hit me hard bt I needed someone to show me the reality. Thank you 🙂
I'm glad to hear that this video resonated with you! It's sometimes necessary for us to get these reality checks so that we can start making steps toward learning, growing, and healing.
Since this topic resonated with you, you may be interested in checking out my membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Time is a healer but also about the inner work which can be so scary and daunting in itself! ❤
Well said.
Thank you my friend, this was much needed. I knew and have known it wasn’t about her for a long time, I wanted to walk away for two weeks before it ended. This helped significantly as well as your other videos regarding trauma
You are so welcome. Good insight. Thanks for your reflections. Glad this video is helpful.
If this video is helpful then you may also be interested in learning what drives this behavior with the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Thank you so much for this. I am struggling with this currently because I am going through a very hard divorce. I feel like I have to constantly be on top of the next thing he might be doing to protect myself. Not to mention the abandonment stuff.
Yes, lol! This was so me back then thinking about my ex all the time but not anymore I am passed that stage now! Of trying to miss him.
Val Shelby please tell me how you got out of the loop!!
Wow! Over 40 years of doing this. I thought I was just crazy or that my partners were. What a great insight! Now maybe I can figure out how to change it.
Thank you Very much for taking the time to share. I know it is a big commitment and takes an enormous amount of energy!
Im currently going through this and this was really great. Thank you and i hope you have a great day!
I hear you. Glad this video is helpful.
So, about minute 18 you're saying to look at the camera instead of the picture. Look at the record player instead of the disc. This is a timely video for me. I've been running my tape alllll day today. And I'm tired, indeed.
Watching that is a huge breakthrough for me, it's all clicked and makes complete sense, thank you Alan
Polly, thanks for letting me know this video was helpful for you. Since you liked this video you might also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
this video is EXACTLY what I'm going through. Don't think I've ever understood exactly what it was until now. I know the relationship does not fulfill me and I still ruminate over this person and obsess over it, wonder about it, even if I was the one to break up and I was not happy.
Glad this video speaks to you. Thanks for the comment and for sharing your experience.
I’ve had this problem all my life
Makes a lot of sense, haven't been able to let go of my ex in my mind or stop obsessing over if I did the right thing leaving even though we were very clearly only hurting each other. I take it the best way to find that love and validation is within yourself, just wish it wasn't so much easier said than done
Man..... this video was exactly what I needed. ❤🤜🤛
This was incredibly helpful! Thank you so much! I am really thankful tgat this older video is still available.
Thank you for your kind words and appreciation for my work. That means a lot, and I'm happy to know that this video resonated with you.
I have countless more videos available through my course The Four Attachment Distress Responses and my online Community, Improve Your Relationships. Both the course and the Community provides videos just like this one - informative, helpful, engaging. The content otherwise is incredibly helpful too, allowing you to discuss, learn, grow, and heal within yourself.
Check out the course: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Check out the Community: www.alanrobarge.com/community