Eggshells - A Short Film About Domestic Abuse (coercive control, gaslighting, domestic violence)
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- Опубліковано 20 лис 2022
- A Made By Mortals production, Eggshells is a short film about domestic abuse in older adults.
It has been co-produced by a team of professional artists, partners in health and social care and a group of women who have courageously shared their lived experience for the benefit of other people.
For information and support in Greater Manchester please visit: www.eggshells.org.uk
For more information about How Made By Mortals can support your project, including a project quote, please email admin@madebymortals.org or call 0161 804 2078.
To read more about Made By Mortals work, please visit: www.madebymortals.org
Follow Made By Mortals on Twitter @MadeByMortals
#domesticabuseawareness #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #coercivecontrol #gaslighting
#ukflim #shortfilm
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Eggshells was commissioned by Oldham Safeguarding Adults Board in partnership with Social Care and Society Manchester, and funded by The Ideas Fund, who are delivered by the British Science Association and funded by Wellcome. - Розваги
Being single is 1000x better than living with an abuser.
So true!!!! Just stay single pleaseee. Enjoy the freedommmm!!!
I was raised in such a house, I'll tell you, I'm happily single!
Absolutely the first sign of any abusive or controlling behaviour, get out😮
Yup, marriage is overrated. Single AND child-free....love it.
I so agree, people wonder why I won't remarry or date. I think about what that would take and just go, nah I'm good......
I like how they made an older person the protagonist
It's never too late.
Divorce and remarriage adultery are sins, rather it's better to separate and pray for the other spouse. Please always remember to forgive others as God forgives us.
Lord Jesus Christ is coming back everyone, please don’t worship celebrities and entertainment, focus on Him alone. I promise there’s more to life than money, partying, homosexuality and music. Hell is real, repent from sinning confess your sins and ask God to forgive you, I know He will if you’re sincere. Hell is very hot, people please repent! In the mighty name of Lord Jesus Christ, Amen 🙏💪✝️💜❤️✝️!
Idolatry such as, Islam, Catholicism, Sangomaism, Buddhism, Hinduism, Racism, Santa Clausism, Confucianism, New Age, Science, Evolution, halloweenism, Harry Potterism, Politics, Donald Trumpism, Easter Bunnyism and other religions/faiths that are outside Biblical Christianity lead to hell! Don’t believe them, believe the Almighty God the Father of Lord Jesus Christ, who begot Him. Our Creator, The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob is mighty, He doesn’t need a woman to beget a son, He is God. I choose to put my faith in a God who can do anything and everything, a God who has unlimited and infinite power to beget!
So, it’s time to confess that Lord Jesus Christ is the Lord and to believe that He died and rose from the grave after three days and you shall be saved if you only obey Him by praying, worshipping, praising, reading the Bible and living holy and righteously according to the Bible. You have to endure until the end, carry your cross daily and build your relationship with God by following Lord Jesus daily until the end. You must never renounce your faith in The Lord Jesus Christ, there’s hell awaiting those who reject/deny Lord Jesus Christ and those who continue living sinfully, even the Christians who don’t want to repent will face the same fate, so please repent beloved people, in Lord Jesus Christ’s mighty and precious Name, Amen.
OH MY God. that was me for 23 years. I am single now and love every minute of it.
Should've made it a male. People seem to forget men get abused and aren't as cared for like women. Most men a too embarrassed to come forward because of the stigma that men can't be physically and mentally abused especially by women.
It’s. Never. Too. Late.
🙌
There is something fundamentally wrong with any relationship when "they" leave the room and you start to feel better.
BINGO BINGO BINGO
I get what you said. Everytime my ex boyfriend left the place, I always felt better. I dreaded his presence everytime.
I cringe when I hear my husband’s car pull up.
@@lisalarouge6309 Essential docs in hidden grab bag?
❤
And you think that it isn’t abuse because he doesn’t hit you, but it is. I spent 25 years in a marriage like that. Everyone else thought he was so charming and such a great guy. But living with him felt like my soul was dying. My daughters and I continue to heal though and for that I am grateful.
Yes, people like that are often charming to outsiders. It’s within the home that their personality changes, but no-one sees except the victim.
Make sure she doesn't choose someone like her father.
33 years for me
Look at all those years lost on handing them to an abuser. This is my point with regard to why women should just leave.
@@theraweggfiles they should rather pray and separate instead of leaving and getting divorced.
Lord Jesus Christ is coming back everyone, please don’t worship celebrities and entertainment, focus on Him alone. I promise there’s more to life than money, partying, homosexuality and music. Hell is real, repent from sinning confess your sins and ask God to forgive you, I know He will if you’re sincere. Hell is very hot, people please repent! In the mighty name of Lord Jesus Christ, Amen 🙏💪✝️💜❤️✝️!
Idolatry such as, Islam, Catholicism, Sangomaism, Buddhism, Hinduism, Racism, Santa Clausism, Confucianism, New Age, Science, Evolution, halloweenism, Harry Potterism, Politics, Donald Trumpism, Easter Bunnyism and other religions/faiths that are outside Biblical Christianity lead to hell! Don’t believe them, believe the Almighty God the Father of Lord Jesus Christ, who begot Him. Our Creator, The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob is mighty, He doesn’t need a woman to beget a son, He is God. I choose to put my faith in a God who can do anything and everything, a God who has unlimited and infinite power to beget!
So, it’s time to confess that Lord Jesus Christ is the Lord and to believe that He died and rose from the grave after three days and you shall be saved if you only obey Him by praying, worshipping, praising, reading the Bible and living holy and righteously according to the Bible. You have to endure until the end, carry your cross daily and build your relationship with God by following Lord Jesus daily until the end. You must never renounce your faith in The Lord Jesus Christ, there’s hell awaiting those who reject/deny Lord Jesus Christ and those who continue living sinfully, even the Christians who don’t want to repent will face the same fate, so please repent beloved people, in Lord Jesus Christ’s mighty and precious Name, Amen.
when she was getting all dolled up and he made fun of her calling her a clown TEARS IN MY EYES
That was so sad 😢
Yes and he was ridiculing her to THEIR SON
😢😢yes that an him telling her to go ahead and spoil the moment by answering the phone
She looked really pretty too:( you could see she was trying so hard to keep smiling.
Me too 😢
I love that they are an older couple with a wedding photo of when they were young; it truly highlights how long people can be stuck in that hell.
Or the fact that there isn't any current photos of them, makes it even more sad..
All married couples are not the same age. How surprising is that? They were not elderly, so I don't think that was the point of showing the photos. The photo shows a smiling bride. After that, we see her thinking about their wedding day.
@@Michelle-pn9xtthe point they were trying to make is that the relationship is so toxic that they don’t even have any photos of them being happy together as a couple because they aren’t
@@Michelle-pn9xt the point is they *were younger* when they got married - and they looked happy in that photo. If she had realised what he'd really be like she likely would have left him before marriage.
32 yrs and counting
I think the most frightening part of it all is ironically the few scenes in between where they're having quality time together. Things like the cuddling and the kisses and the flowers. Its the "good times" and the love bombing that makes it incredibly difficult to leave or even see the abuse happening in front of you, this short film was utterly haunting
Those times are part of the terror! It's the confusing part-- that keeps jerking your emotions around and takes your mind apart.
Yeah it’s a part of the manipulation
For the victim, these are not good times, you're stuck and pretending
This REALLY resonates
I agree. It really did something to my nerves
I remarried 3 years after my wonderful husband passed away. The very evening of the day we got married, I felt like something was strange. The next morning, I woke up and felt this strange cold 'breeze' blow through the house that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. The only way I have to describe what followed is It was like somebody flipped a switch in him from good to evil. After 3 months of his crazy unwarranted terrorizing, I got a lawyer, filed for divorce and got a restraining order. The judge warned him not to even raise his voice to me, or he would go straight to jail! Thank God I never gave him any access to any of my financial accounts.
Thank God you had the power and financial means to escape.
Sometimes it's not that easy
Keep well.
Thank God you acted on it and got away.
Amen ❤❤🎉🎉🎉
Well done
This is so strange. I felt the same after I got married. Spent almost 8 years in this marriage where much of what happened in the video was true of my situation. I cannot believe it. Still. I'm working with a great counselor and my kids see me better. Just waiting for the judge to sign the final decree. But just as you said. A switch flipped. I knew something was wrong this whole time and was thinking it was me. I just needed to do more for him. Of course with that mentality, he expected more. The more I put the pieces together, the more clarity I have. Thank God for helping me see this, because I just could not put my finger on it.
The scene where she held hands with her younger, bridal self was so heartbreaking- she looked as if she was so sorry to her younger self, and her bridal self looked so shattered by what life had become.
Her younger self was trying to help her get out but she went back to the beginning of the eggshells because she was emotionally CRUSHED to the point where she felt there was NO WAY OUT! This is me right now. 42 years and counting.
Felt sorry for her younger self? They are both the same age. She experienced abuse throughout the marriage.
@@Michelle-pn9xt Michelle, it shows the 'past' version of herself that 'was' her on the day of her wedding at the door. Greeted by and holding hands with the 'present version' of herself that she's become and is now. Think of it as is brought to mind in the question: 'If you could speak to and give any advice to the younger you...teens, 20s, 30s etc...what would it be?'
@@bsp5161 Hey! I know u weren't responding to me, so I hope u don't mind the intrusion/reply from me, But I was wondering where u may be located or wanting to move to? Bc I need a way out as well... I am 40 yr old female, I am disabled due to chronic pain/health conditions due to yrs of narcissistic abuse from family & past relationship partners, I have done yrs of counseling in order to heal so i have a good handle on my own issues, I don't smoke, & drink very very rarely... I had my own place , but currently having to stay back at my abusive family's home right now bc my partner of 20 yrs left for another & allowed all the utilities to get cut off at my home when I had not other way to financially care for myself. Looking for genuine help/ a way to just be able to go live back at my own home again b4 somethingbad happens to my house (its already been robbed twice since I been away from it 😭) & get the F out of my parents abusive toxic home b4 i lose my mind or get really hurt, its not safe here mentally, emotionally or physically for the most part. Been fighting to get my disability benefits but still don't know wat the outcome will be for that yet & so I am STUCK!! Was living in my great grandparents old Victorian home for over a decade b4 partner left. It needs some repairs an utilities cut back on etc but other than that I could move back to my home there if I had help/a way to sustain my life there. Peaceful small town rural beautiful neighborhood there too!! I loved it sooo much!! 😭💘💔
😞
This is what happens to majority of married women in India. I've seen so many of them deal with all this in my own family.
Same here
I'm also suffering this from past 12 years
I'm sorry to hear that, one day it'll be better ❤
@@falakkakitchen4932 Please leave as soon as u can🙏
You deserve better, because you probably given everything you've had and lost yourself.
Married 35 years and walked on eggshells most of it. He finally left for another and for once I was free. My Mom said she had her daughter back. It is hard to have others understand this, but I do.
He was too much work anyway
I understand you completely. My father ruined my mother's life, until the day she woke up and separated from him. He's an evil bastard, he's always humiliated her for no reason. He is the traitor of the relationship, and is still proud to have a child out of marriage.
But damn 35 years that’s too much
So if he didn't leave you for another woman, you would stay?? I will never understand that.
@@fainafaina1940 There's tons of information online on the effects psychological abuse has on victim's brains which causes them to stay in these terrible relationships. It's enlightening to learn about and helped me understand why my mum stayed married to my abusive dad for so long.
The part where he was making fun of her while she was doing her lipstick, calling her a "clown". That just broke my heart. She looked so hurt :(.
Its really disgusting, I bet if the tables were turned what he would say? POS....
And he was talking to their son……
So the cycle continues. 😢
I know. And also looked so beautiful. I think she's such an elegant lady
Words from loved ones can hurt for years.
I would maybe be too. But only Jesus’s opinion matter not a partners. Jesus loves and likes you and you’re beautiful the way you are! Our worth also is not in how we look. Our worth is in what Jesus did for us.
OMG yes, I was married to a gaslighting, manipulative, abusive , narcissist for 14 years and this was a HUGE part of it. I don't think a lot of people realize how common and or awful this really is. I'm so blessed to have been married the last 9 years to the most wonderful man. Complete opposite of my ex husband
Me too...only I haven't found anyone new
I was in a narcissistic marriage for 3 years and got out
I made my escape after 4 and a half years. I saw my way out and never looked back. He had actually sucked my life force out of my body. Turns out I was able to turn heads and began to date and never, ever let anyone put me down since. I've now been married 47 yrs. to a wonderful man w/3 amazing adult children. I realized I didn't want his children. I knew they would have a horrible lives with him. Dodged a bullet.....possibly factual.
yea,I Know. I have a step mother from hell. Even my mother have some bad tendensis.
10 years and just getting throught divorce. Wish me luck!
As a man who experienced two of these type of relationships in my younger years I can say that this type of behaviour isn’t limited to one gender by any means. Going through it however really gave me an appreciation for my wife of almost 20 years now where there are none of the emotional games, guilt trips, very little stress and a deep appreciation and understanding for each other.
Yes I agree with you it’s not just men
Oh shut up
Yes but physical and emotional domestic violence is mostly a man doing it to a woman
Nobody ever said it was just men.
Here they depicted abuse in a straight, white, old couple.
Yet abuse is not only found in straight couples, or in white couples, or in old couples.
Here he's the one working while she's taking care of everything at home, yet abuse also happen when both are working, or even from the one staying at home !
It was just ONE example, one configuration. Maybe the most common one, if statistics are to be believed, but they just depicted one setup.
And if there are some people who are more offended by the fact that the abuser is a man than they are by the actual abuse going on...they're part of the problem.
@@tsuba666 “Nobody ever said it was just men.” Well the inference is clear and I challenge you to find any documentary or information on the subject where they don’t stereotype a male into the roll of the abuser.
It took me 9 years, 4 months and 14 days to escape.
I didn’t dare tell family or friends what I’d been going through for fear he’d find out, and living in a small rural area everyone knows everyone there were no support groups I could trust.
Instead, I had Julia Roberts.
“Sleeping with the Enemy” gave me the strength I needed to escape.
Glad you're alright. 🫂💕
Good for you for finding that strength! Glad you’re safe now.
Me too…as soon as I saw that movie, it was like my story (except for the wealth). I had to hide everything to survive.
I had a 15 year marriage with someone like this. He wouldn’t lay a hand on me but the psychological abuse and put-downs escalated until I didn’t know what was going to set him off. I literally could start a fight by giving him a compliment….crazy-making stuff. Taking up Karate helped me but really, just getting to the point where I was more afraid of where it would end up if I stayed was the catalyst to walk away. I don’t regret it.
@@revelationrollcall4852 Survival. The best answer to the question, “why’d you stay so long?”
Just now I saw news here in my country, a man shot his wife and killed her, a marriage of 52 years. Fifty two years , she's been living hell on earth until he kills her and that is it. Domestic abuse is disgusting.
Everyone in my small town knew that my dad was beating my mom, including the police. But no one seemed to care. When he got weak from illness he couldnt hit her anymore, so he resorted to verbal abuse instead. He made my mom cry really bad one day. Just tearing into her and calling her every slur he could think of. I had enough and started saying the nastiest things i could think of to hurt him back. We got into a physical fight that neither of us won. But he knew I'd had enough. He started walking on eggshells near me. Our entire family was quite happy when he passed away.
Good job. I'm proud of you.
@@mrs_mothra547 I felt weird writing this. I guess I needed to rant.
@@spongebobsexypantsTou made an abuser walking on eggshells?
That's... impressive. 😮❤
@@spongebobsexypantsI’m so sorry you had to experience that as a child…and as a mother who left an abusive relationship 10 years ago with my 4 year old at the time, thank you so much for sticking up for your mama.
Good for you!
One time, I was showing my ex an outfit and i was twirling around. I said that i was so happy that I had worked hard to lose weight. I was so happy in that moment until he said something mean about my appearance. When I got upset, he said that he was "just being honest" and that I was "too sensitive."
fk that ex you looked amazing
Red flag. That's the number one phrase abusers and narcissistic people use. I had an ex like that and every time I would speak out about something mean or unkind, you are too sensitive were the first words out of his mouth. If anyone says this, run!
Yep. It's very difficult when it's a spouse.
It's difficult when it's a parent and both siblings.
Wow! reminds me of my ex! He told me that he had the freedom of speech (of belittling me 😂) and he was being "honest". I just knew that I would never say sth hurtful for the sake of honesty. Only ppl who lack empathy and/or want to put you down to dust would say sth like this. I'm glad you left him!
He was/is a psychopath. My sister is one and did this my entire childhood.
I am just scared. Scared of all men. Scared of marriage. Scared of being in a relationship. JUST SCARED.
Ig I'll just prefer being alone.
Not all men are like that ,my Dad showed me what a good man looks like..he was a wonderful father ,kind ,honest ,wonderful ..Unfortunately I did not marry someone like that but I am divorced now . One can always have Hope....
@@s.p.baughman7885 yes true. But again,my father is a living demon. So it's even harder for me to believe that men can be good too.
I think I'm too young (21) to think about all these. I should be focusing of career and my own self as of now.
God bless you❤ you are very young, but so wise too. learn about boundaries, protect your precious self. it took me a lifetime to learn these things, but it is possible. i no longer live in fear, freedom to be yourself and love who you are is the greatest gift there is. and when you’re ready, you will meet/attract someone who is healthy and will love you, the healthy happy you. take good care🙏🏻🦋
Me too, that is one of the reasons I starter therapy, I've seen a huge difference, I feel more confident and can accept my emotions as valid. Also, I can see a little more clear when someone is emotional hurting me. There are always sings, they cannot fake who they are in a total way ❤
If you continue to be scared of half the population of the planet your not going to have a very fulfilling life.
I was in a marriage with a husband that was full of rage. Anything and I mean anything could make him explode. He would turn on a dime. It was everyone else’s fault for his lot in life. After 10 years and the birth of my daughter, I had the courage to leave as I didn’t want my daughter growing up in that type of environment. Now, 32 years later, my daughter is exactly the same way. Anything can make her explode and it’s everyone else’s fault for the way she is - according to her. She didn’t even know him, so the behavior was not learned. I simply can’t go back to this walking on egg shell type of life. I can’t allow my daughter into my life, because I again have to save myself because no one else will. It’s devastating.
I have heard that certain forms of personality disorders tend to run in families. I'm so sorry for you. "Borderline" Personality Disorder, I hear, might be one of those disorders. It's more common in women, but men can also have it. Rage is a big part of it. I hope you'll be okay.
Just tell her how her dad had been and why you left him and why you don't want her to be like him tats y you made sacrifices.. n I hope ur daughter will understand at one point sooner or later in her life
Keep yourself happy and healthy. Your daughter will be fine..... you raised her, now you have done all you were expected to do and I am sure a lot more. Don't ever be tempted to communicate with her again.... keep notes for yourself if you need to. Love to you Sandy!
Hi! There is a fraction of our personality that is inherited by our mother or father. I think she may have her father's. It does not mean she cannot learn how to manage his own behavior, It could be really helpful if the look for a specialism(psichology) ❤ God bless you
I’m so sorry. I’m seeing similarities in my child and abusive ex as well, working to manage them but it’s hard… do what you need to protect your peace 😢
This is my ex mother in law RIP She had no idea what was happening to her. He was a vile man! "Stupid cow" was his most used name for her. Congratulations on a wonderful and much needed film. Education is the key.
Blode kuhe…..yeah, they take their babies, take their milk, and then take their lives. “Stupid cow”. Misogyny has NO BOUNDS, not even across species
Absolutely. Great video
My dad used to call my mom a sweat hog. This video was my life growing up
When an abuser is going off, go DEEP. Don’t defend, engage, empathize or personalize their behavior. Their actions and words are a mirror to their own insecurities. You can’t ever do the right thing, because the thing they want is a target to regulate their emotions for them. 💚
It is this type of mentality where you wanna see them as needing help, that get everyone into trouble. It's not your business to fix them. If their parents couldn't do it, no one can. They either help themselves or don't get into any relationship ever.
No more walking on eggshells!
All you need to know (so simple and complicated at the same time) when you find yourself trapped in a relationship with a narcissist is how to get out safely, and how to stay out safely.
Adjusting yourself in a relationship is not a sustainable solution ( you are not anyone's punching bag, verbally or physically), you cannot build on shifting sands, and you cannot set your sail for changing winds.
They will use things you've done, things you haven't done, and things they accuse you of (without any truth to it)
It may all be very confronting and unpleasant to hear, but there is a youtube channel that provides a lot of information about Narcissism.
There are many different views on who knows the exact story behind the Narcissist, and I must admit that I have not yet discovered a more in-depth clear description that can not only describe all the facets but also interpret them (why it is done).
He gives his perspective and his side of the story (he himself states that he is a diagnosed narcissist).
He explainens the most effective way to get out and stay freed from it (also in future relationship, what the red flags are, and how to weaponize yourself against it and mutch, mutch more).
it's not sweet, nice and cuddly, it's cool (the unsugarcoated, harsh reality) and collected.
youtube channel:"H.G tudor knowing the narcissist, the Ultra"
I hope those who are in an unhealthy abusive relationship manage to get out of this situation safely and as soon as possible.
(since I don't have the belief that my hopes will help anyone (at a distance)) it is for this reason that I am referring to others, what I believe is the essential information needed to enable you to do so yourself (with support of family, friends ore others).
Or the mandatory BJ, so it will end 🤢
@@loranabrabster3078 this reply triggers me to know how true this is 🤮
@Lorana what happens if you don't give in?
I hope that you can get away from the sexual abuse and everything else you're going through.
Abusive relationships are much more complex than majority of people is able to understand. My advice to people in that situation would be; turn down your reactions to minimum and turn up your observation of the aggressor to maximum. Observe his/her every reaction, every repeating word, every repeating expression, every habit and change in his/her routines in daily life and with you..and pretty quickly you will notice that there is a pattern. There is always a pattern. The faster you see it, the faster you will have a chance to think rationally and take control over your situation. Remember, aggressors are weak. Weak. Not strong. What gives them the feeling of strength is only your fear. That's why they do it to you. Their weakness needs food. But, don't be naive and make impulsive steps. No. Completely opposite from that. Observe them, try to make them to believe that they control you, DON'T EXPLAIN THEM anything, DON'T TRY TO CONVINCE them about anything, DON'T TRY TO CHANGE them, DON'T THREAT them. Your control over yourself and your little talking is your power. Observe them, find their weaknesses, use them in Silence against them, connect with people who can help you (be very careful what people), and do things step by step. I repeat, all until you don't get out, make them feel safe and in control.
Thank you so much. I’ve been pondering for years of a way to handling things in my marriage and your solution is on point is not even funny. To this day my husband still find a way to flip the script on me even if there %1000 prove that is the one holding things back. There is no logique in what he does and his still downplays every I do or did. The question is how do I make him in control without saying something that he’s going turn it around and use whatever i say to belittle me
This is actually kind of beautiful. And ducking spot on. I’ve been there as well. Controlling reactions is HUGE
You have just summed up what the government has been doing to its own people for the last three years
@@amailina440 ..reduce the talking to a bare minimum..
Observe his behavior.. everything you do or say he will use it against you.
1. Recognize that the person is lacking of feelings/sentiments.. he just sees behaviors and reactions.. and then mimics them.
2. Keep acting as usual, never confront him about anything.. say yes to everything.
3. Smile like a stupid.. dont you ever think that he has feelings for you. He doesnt have the wiring.. just doesnt have it.
4. Prepare to leave. And never look back.
5. Always remember that he will never be the person that you met and you fell in love with.. that was an acting to get you.
It was the play of a predator to catch a prey...
the more rebel you are.. the more he will want to play catching.. the more passively hurt you are, the more he will play to angry you.. keep being a boring person until you are so boring to him that he loses interest in you.
A big hug.. and good luck..
Excellent advice. It took me years to get free. He had spies who constantly watched me. And good Christian counseling
I was held hostage for 10 years, whenever I tried to escape he came after me at gun point. When you have a loaded gun to your head you do what your told. The abuse went on like this , he told me, if he can't have me no one else will. Its scary to take the first step outside and go as fast as you can. You can finally get a sense of freedom as you're running. So you keep going and DON'T look back. I'm a survivor. I pray for anyone who is in this situation. ❤
Debbie, I’m so so glad you escaped ❤
Thank you so much Photina. I'm fortunate to be alive. The Lord saved me. Hugs to you
Don’t get involved with anyone who owns a gun.
@@debbierabe1756 hugs to you too 💕
@@debbierabe1756 I'm so glad to hear that you are now safe. If you have faith then I trust that it was a comfort to you in dark times, but don't play down the fact that it was you who saved you. It's not easy, but you did it. I hope that you are living your best life 👍
This video is so spot on. I was married to a horribly abusive man for four years. It started out with mental abuse, verbal abuse that turned me inside out. Until the end, he never touched me physically. And on January 22, 2002, he put my head through the wall - literally. I knew I was being abused at that point and got out of the marriage. And even though the physical abuse got me out, the emotional and verbal abuse was worse and took years to overcome. Words can hit harder than any fist.
I wish you full recovery and may you enjoy the rest of your life. I mean it. God bless you!
Its great that they are focusing on verbal and emotional abuse - the types of abusive behavior that is far more common in relationship outside of physical abuse. Also they focused on 'grey divorce'. I talk to so many women that feel they're too old for divorce and endure decades long terrible relationships as a result. Good for her for having the courage to leave and I hope she received the support of her children and family after his vile attempts to isolate her
I felt every egg shell she stepped on, every pull of the violin note & it stressed out all muscles in my body. Anyone who has never been in a bad relationship will not be able to relate. It is the most awful thing to go through. You can't rely on someone to make you happy. Only you yourself can make you happy.
I could not even watch the entire video, I watched the first few minutes, and once he came home and started in on her, I fast forwarded to when she open the door to her younger self
Totally agree. You can't rely on someone to make you happy. Only you yourself can make you happy.
Well said....Trust God and yourself...
Both of my parents treated me like this. Only difference is my father was also sexually abusive and physically neglectful, and I haven’t seen him since I reported his abuse when I was nine years old. I’ve lived with my mother ever since, and she acted just like the man in this video. Only things missing are how she would snoop through my room and texts/emails, and how she would scream at me for hours at the top of her lungs at all times of the day and night. I finally had the chance to escape from her, and now I live in a homeless shelter. I have a lot of support from my partner and my friends. I’ve never felt more happy and free in my life.
More energy and love to you!! You rock!!
I'm sorry your parents were like this (I was adopted and my a-dad was similar to the guy in the video in some ways - it was clear he found me attractive so I started to avoid spending time around him as much as I could. A-mum wasn't as bad, but still wasn't the healthy parent I needed her to be). It's great to hear you escaped and life is good for you :)
Well Don to you for the immense courage it took to get out from under her power.
That requires courage and self-awareness.
Well done x
I don’t know you and you don’t know me but I love you for having the courage to get the hell out of there. At least a shelter is protection, the prison you were in is pure lack of freedom. I’m proud of you. Keep shining and most of all, fuck both of them! They deserve to rot for what they have done and they will.
So many people feel physical abuse is the first stage in an abusive relationship, its actually the last...
My divorce was just finalized from my abusive ex husband! THANK GOD! I appreciate reminders like this to remember not to go back!
My husband would ask me if i cleaned the house, and would search for dust in the crevices and wipe it on my face saying
"well it wouldn't be on your face if you cleaned it properly"
I'm a mother of 3, the youngest is only 3 now, glad I left that nasty man 2 years ago.
No looking back! 🎉
Okay, that’s…pretty bad I can’t say I’ve heard of anyone doing that.
@hobomike6935 my dad did that to my sister after I ran away. She told me that he literally put a white glove on and checked the AC vent for dust. I belive it too. He had me clean all the time. At like 12 I was defrosting the freezer with an ice pick.
Yes my dad would hunt for dirt. Seemed to get upset if none was found. Such a pitiful existence...
@@Jessica-iq6kj I hope that you have a no defrost one now. Most of the ones these days do. My icepick opened a hole once...and all the gas came out...
I hope ‘that ‘no looking back’ is a joyous salutation for yourself and you are home free. I wouldn’t judge if it isn’t either.😊
This should be shown in cinemas before the main feature.
i recognise so much of this in my dad. from the constant ridiculing, the hatred of the mother's side and the insatisfaction with all of the wife's efforts, to the sudden switch flip when he becomes the jovial fun man that everyone knows him to be. Ive never had a video so accurately describe my situation, it hurts.
you're not alone
I don't know why, but the fact that the victim was an older lady touched me way more than if it had been a younger woman.
Maybe because of the vulnerability, or because I realized the decades of abuse, the whole life destroyed by her abuser. I don't know.
But that was a good choice.
It's a reality for many, my mum was around 54 when she left my dad so this really hits close to home. I hope no matter what age someone is or how long they've been stuck in a relationship that they are able to leave, it is never too late until your dead.
And because she obviously has not as much time left for next tries
Let me tell you, after years of abusive and controlling relationships, I got out. If a man were to treat me like that today, I would go nuts. My fuse is really short now.
Same. Single for the rest of my life. Not worth the risk. They’re all the same.
@the.nerdy.mermaid No they are not all the same, there are good men and women out there.
Wouldnt recommend tussling with a man. Your level of anger doesnt translate to physical strength
I was married for 8 years to a very nice and kind man but we drifted apart. After that, every man I met was a drunk, womanizer, mental issues, something wrong so I didn’t remarry. I’m very happily single.
Stay single 🙌
Love and hugs to you. Your strength means so much to me to hear🪷
I'm sure you're so happy that you stomped all over your wedding vows, as all prolific liars are. Yeah not, nobody recovers from a divorce. And you will find that your decision to toss a side of true meaning and purpose in your life will result in inferior substitutes arising to replace what you destroyed. Hints why all the men who came your way afterward were just as superficial and uncommitted as you are. Thank God your reign of terror is over, atleast theirs that
Wait, how do we go from protecting abused women to now celebrating mendacious liars who spit all over their wedding vows? People who end marriages for dumb reasons are no better than emotional abusers@@mermaidlu5125
The only way to not ever allow that much power over you is to be fully independent and financially self sufficient. Power dynamics create abusive relationships.
They most certainly can. And only have relationships because you want to be in a relationship.
@All about Narcissism that's not what I am saying. This is not about period times when you are weaker. It is about a permanent state of imbalance. And in times of weakness, be prepared to be left when you don't suit the needs of that partner.
💯 FACTS👆
Nope, I was paying all of the bills in the house and was still being abused. You never truly understand it unless you been in it.
@@queenbee0777 thank you. My dad went through that kind of thing. Mental and emotional leverage > financial leverage . Money isn't everything.
I’ll be 75 in a few days. My husband of 45 years is loving, kind, funny. So, I didn’t watch this because of him; I watched because I don’t think I’ve ever noticed a domestic abuse video on UA-cam and, whaddaya know, my parents said and did all those things to me and my father physically abused me, too. I’m still working on healing the trauma they inflicted. My three sisters haven’t even begun.
my dad might not say such strong words, but he has manipulated my mother in such a way that she doesn’t even “want” to go out with friends or do any activities outside the home without him, by and large. she is so good at walking on eggshells that it’s part of our home’s culture and he’s “nice” as long as we maintain the status quo. she would never dream of leaving him.
Why do they never leave....
It's to cope. Humans rely on a partner as animals to survive. Leaving one no matter how un natural the cause go against every natural instinct in our animal brain
That and every situation is different abuse is very stripping emotionally and gasslighting/post traumatic stress does damage to brain patterns over time ( it's just a weird fact) to where one may genuinely feel things are fine and not see the behaviour again to cope. Thats where love is blind comes in. The brain of an animal is a confounding thing
I felt this. My father is a narcissist. I was in my mid thirties before realizing that I was literally still tip toeing around my own house.
My gosh this video is sadly so accurate. I was married to a narcissist and it was like what I would think living in hell would be like I finally left when our daughter was 5 I didn’t want her thinking this was normal. He always said he’d kill me before he’d let me leave,I had my brother come to our house because my ex could beat me a 5’2 100 pound woman but he was a coward with men,I told him with my brother there I was leaving,got my daughter in the car and followed him 350 miles away that was 30 years ago and I still startle if someone walks up on me or a I hear a loud noise,but other than that life is good and my daughter has thrived with the help of my wonderful family and is now happily married to a wonderful man.
Feels so good to hear this!❣️
Yes, they are all cowards. My father is like that, I always saw him attack my mother, but outside the house he never attacked anyone.
@@june5831 proving his behaviour was a choice, which makes it even worse in many ways.
Well done
Ur so lucky you have a brother!
I suffered severe depression several years ago. I could remember several years ago after divorce with my wife which brought me into my disastrous journey on Alcohol and cigarettes. I suffered severe depression and mental disorder. Got diagnosed with cptsd.
Not until a friend recommended me to psilocybin mushrooms treatment. Psilocybin treatment saved my life honestly. 8 years totally clean. Much respect to mother nature the great magic shrooms.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Germany. Really need
Yes, dr.porass. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place.
Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac.
He's constantly talking about killing someone.
He's violent. Anyone reading this
Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Is he on instagram?
Yes he is dr.porass.
Thank God, I convinced my daughter to leave her abusive husband. Financially it’s hard for her, but she’s so much happier.
Good for you!
youre a good parent for noticing and convincing her to leave. im sure she’s very thankful.
This is such an important topic and I personally believe it starts way before getting into a romantic relationship with an abuser! A child who was made feel less than and stupid and not good enough will not even notice for so long what's going on since it's always been normal to be told "stop picking your nose, that's (you are) disgusting", "you can't wear that outside, that's for girls/boys", "why do you always stand in the way?", "Don't think you are special", and much worse than that! Parents plant those seeds from the day they decide to pick up a crying infant to comfort them or to let them "cry it out" to "not spoil" them. I can't spoil an infant by meeting her/his needs because and infant can't do that for her/himself. And I never spoil a child by treating them with the same respect that I wish all people could meet each other!
that's my narcissistic mother right there.
I would always be best at school, cook for myself, do everything on my own. From the sound her car made, I could aheady hear when she came home.. garage opening, (her) high heels on the floor gives me anxiety till this day. The house looked like a museum or op room, clean, no things lying around. When she entered, I would be prepared with my books on the table, appearing as if I was studying always, because she would get less annoyed that way. She still found something to get annoyed by nearly every day, yelled at me, put me down nearly every day, when I then got chronically ill from all the stress, she told me I'm imagining my illness, I'm being overly dramatic and a hypochondriac. Her sisters, my aunts, and her parents, my grandparents, followed her lead on this on: I became/ was the problem, never her.
It's disgusting how these people behave and the best thing you can do is go away and never look back.
but when you are a child stuck in this toxic family dynamic dependent on a toxic person, it's really hard and you can't just go away nor live a normal life
That’s me instead it’s my dad and he treat my mother like a slave and a children maker 😭
And treat me like a mentally ill and a very sick child
Feel you, had a similar experience. Take care of yourself ❤
It's true. Every word.
I also had a narcissistic mother. I walked on eggshells round her, never knowing how she would react to any situation. I tried my best to be good, but she beat me savagely anyway, calling me filthy names. If I was hurt by someone I deserved it, if I was sick she was sicker. And she was such a faithful churchgoer. I'm in my 70s and I still walk without making a sound, and nearly die of fright at sudden loud noises.
All of this happens early on in the marriage... after that the wife automatically starts hiding stuff - she would never dare to sit if the husband is around. She will relax, talk to family etc only when husband is out... the moment she hears him come in, she will go overdrive and work.
For the outside world (including even the children) there is nothing wrong. After all they don't see their parents fight, and they love their ever sacrificing mother who does everything! These kids then grow up and want a perfect wife just like their perfect mother. "Why can't you keep the house tidy like my mom?" they ask. Their new wives will now walk on egg shells for the rest of their lives.
YES! It’s a vicious cycle.
Not necessarily. A father figure is important; not an “employer” figure, who just commands you to DO all the time.
Unfortunately, many men take advantage of the authority they hold in a home, and do this to both their wives and children.
This is why it’s so important to never rely on someone else to fill your cup or to make you happy. You need to find love and happiness in yourself before you seek it out in someone else. You have to not NEED someone else to fulfill you and be able to find this fulfilling life with or without them. You should live independently financially and make a life for yourself before making a life with someone else. And maintain an aspect of that independence despite how committed you are. The first sign of any type of abuse, walk away!! You were fine without them before you will be fine again!!
Wow it’s extremely rare when any abuse that’s not physical is acknowledged.
My mom married a man like this when I was around 5 years old. She stayed married to him, not counting a full divorce and remarriage and several separations, until he passed away two years ago. She is so proud of herself for having financial security, but he was so awful to her. I spent most of my growing up years afraid he would kill her. I saw him choke yer, threaten her with a fist, knife, and gun, push her down, kick her when she was down on the ground. He was a huge muscular 200 plus pound male and she was a petite little female probably not much more than a hundred pounds. Oh, he was smart though. He didn't leave marks that were easily visible. After a news alert came on and the announcer described the scene of a man who killed his kids and their family dog to get revenge on his wife, then I was afraid for my own safety too. He wasn't abusive to me like he was mom - at least not physically, but that story made me realize there was no safety in that. I think I was in middle school at the time I saw that news story. I would hide when he would get angry and if our dog was close by I would hide him with me. When he would arrive home from work, even the dog made himself scarce, so I knew it was not just me. I felt bad in a way because all the movies about children of divorce showed them sad and wishing that the parents would get back together. I didn't want them to get back together after the many split ups. I just wanted to live in safety for my mom and for me. Life was walking on eggshells. I used that very phrase most of my adult life when remembering childhood. I would have traded my slightly larger childhood home any day with a friend that lived in a smaller home but had peace, emotional security, and love. It was so lonely because there wasn't really anyone I could talk to. My friends had no concept of what it was like. Relationships all seemed so shallow compared to what I really needed. Well, he is gone now. Life goes on and I have been so much more fortunate than mom. My husband is great. He would hurt himself before he would hurt me. That loneliness I felt is gone because of the trust that my husband has been worthy of. Money cannot buy that.
❤
Why didn't your mom go to school and be independent instead of getting away just to go back for financial security?
Even being poor and having a peaceful life is a million times better than suffering and having money!
She worked just as hard and as long. They both worked in different companies as factory workers. This was in the sixties when most moms were stay at home, so she was already outside the norm for that era. Women were not paid as much as men at the time, but she was not in the situation of many stay at home moms where the only income was from the husband. He would blow his money on beer, cigarettes, gambling, and occasionally drugs. She put hers into her share of the bills and only rarely spent anything to splurge on herself. They both invested in good things together too. Home improvements were both a financially shared obligation and a mutual time obligation. I remember them spending the summer bricking the house to upgrade the facade. Other summer projects were landscaping. This last Sunday was Mother's Day and mom spent the day with us. We all were sharing memories. In several of her childhood memories I noticed that she talked about independent play and over and over again as a child she was designing houses whether it was dirt/mud. snow, toys, etc. She wasn't making houses to play house where she was a mom. Just designing little houses was the goal. It was very enlightening. I made the comment that she seemed to have a natural interest in house design. All through my growing up, major projects were related to home improvements and she was always very active in the design and the doing. After I was grown, she designed and they built their dream home, much of it with their own labor. Many decisions mom made throughout my life did make me feel like the house and things were more important than I was, even a few really painful points related to this. So, I think I have a new understanding why she put up with so much. She had a significant time, financial, and goal-orientation combined with him. A divorce would not only mean loss of future financial ability, it would compromise past investments into the house they lived in at the time.
I was not and I am not built like that. Peace and emotional health is far more important to me than things. I think it is why it has been so hard to understand her all these years. She is content with the choices she has made in her life. She is very well off now in retirement, mixed with some hard feelings about what she put up with is a complicated blend of missing a partner to maintain their big place. Even if he were still alive, age would be making it a challenge for both of them to keep up with it all. With just one, it is nearly impossible. So, I have my answer of why she put up with the name calling, the anger, the drinking, his running around on her. No, I would not have made the same decisions,, especially in regards to what I would allow my children to endure along with me, but she is happy with how her life has turned out. I just have to see our differences in how we are wired and deal with my own woundings and accept that her decisions were actually chosen, not forced on her. She had the freedom and the power to have chosen a different path, yet she stayed steady on the one she did. Sure, she would have appreciated him being more mature, less addicted, having better control of his hot temper, but he also had natural mechanical ability and he would work hard right beside her on major life projects during the good stretches of their relationship. Not so much in the really bad stretches, but she always felt she could manage him back on track. And I guess she really did, time after time. Those bad times just had a huge impact on me as a kid, so they loom large in my memory. Yes, it was a good and insightful Mother's Day, indeed.
It's really isn't just the mum that suffers, the kids suffer just as much if not more, the psychological abuse stays with you for life unless you get years of therapy. Some of the self help books are great too
Can totally relate. ❤️
This was my ex husband of 17 years. It was always something I did or did not do. He was very unsupportive of me going through breast cancer. I felt there was no escape. Its been 10 years since i left him and I've never regretted it
I'm so happy for you, you deserved so much better. When my family got away from my father, it felt like my soul had been revived. I wish you the best in your life, you deserve to feel safe and loved.
Probably your breast cancer was the consequence of all the misery if this "married life" hugs. You're strong
I went from being outraged to being in tears. I've been in relationships like this, but thank God I never married any of them.
This is like watching exactly what I went through. You forgot the part though, that you can't tell anyone because everyone thinks he's such a wonderful guy, including your own family. Leaving isn't always an option for many reasons, namely children. I stopped it by starting to be exactly like him. I turned into him. I made him walk on egg shells.
Leaving is always an option!
I tried to give my family a taste of their own medicine, they just couldn't see it, they played the victim so well, then their treatment became justified... I understand not being able to leave because "family is forever." I stayed for too long, too many times. I finally left my family. We have never been happier. Sometimes it feels weird to actually be happy for once.
After being emotionally abused for 3 years, I can definitely say this with certainty: After a while, when you start to recognise the manipulation, the emotional beat downs the insults, the degrading to pull down your self esteem, you have to be the one who takes the first step to leave. I realised the reason I stayed is because I started to believe his words and gave up on myself. The relationship became my lifeline as I allowed him to revictimise me and slowly isolate me from friends and family. I allowed him because of the irrational shame I felt for allowing it to happen to me. All it took was for one day of me having enough of it all, having a shouting match with him and him giving the slap of the century to realise it's all goimg to go downhill if I stay any longer.
Abuse doesn't begin with you, but best believe it very well ends with you... whether for better or for worse, it's up to you. All the advice in the world from some of your loved ones will mean nothing as long as you don't wake up and break the chains yourself.
You are enough. You are worthy of loving yourself more than any man will ever love you. Don't let anyone come into your life and convince you otherwise.
I used to write myself notes saying things like “I am entitled to an opinion” and “I am not a bad person”. It helped sustain me until I was able to get away.
" .... the irrational shame I felt for allowing it to happen to me."
THIS.
This is my life currently 🥺 my lease is up in September I can’t wait to be free from it all
@@lifeofniq sending you all the love and luck in the world.
@@celticceltic99 thank you! 🙏🏾
I can't imagine how hard it was for that male actor to do this. He was so good at his role. The moment he went from sweet and loving, to cold and critical, my guts just went into a knot. Never, ever, ever, ever put up with ANYONE who makes you feel that way. Get out. Get help.
Yes, don't stay, tell everybody,
This was so my hell. Many years of therapy later, I understand how incrementally worse the abuse. Thankfully, I was granted parole from that prison in my mid 30s after 10 years of daily misery. He lied to me from day one about his "caring" for me. Five miniutes after I told the judge "I do", my ex began the overt abuse. My divorce saved my life. I learned my lesson. 30 years of singlehood and my post divorce life has been fabulously good.
Marriage is a hell women enter blindly and rarely emerge unscathed.
They are waking up now. A lot of women are choosing celibacy now.
My mother was a narcissist and she abused my father. It’s not just women who are the victims of abuse
i'm so glad they used an older woman for this. i'm only 24 but there's times that even i feel like it's too late. this one hit different
Hope you are doing ok
Walked out in my husband today because of this. Most proud ive ever been
I know all about the psychological abuse. My father put me through a psychological horror when I was a child. I suppose this can happen in any type of relationship. It’s brutal and it scars you for life.
Absolutely, I'm 18 and only got away from my dad a couple years ago. I'm so grateful I have a good therapist, I accept that I will never truly get rid of the pain and all the damage to my inner pschye however I will still let myself live a full life and enjoy having free will. I really wish the best to everyone who has been through abuse, no one deserves it.
Where was your mother
It is awful. I moved out while I was still in high school and still struggle as a 43 year old. I can't stand people who abuse others. It's disgusting. I'm so sorry that you had to experience abuse as a child - that shouldn't ever have happened.
I had a boss like this. In the Australian public service in Victoria. Last year. We all made complaints but management ignored us. He ended up threatening me with physical violence in the office and no one stood up for me or said anything and I still got disbelieved by management. I had to go on Workcover leave and still got told by the Workcover agents within the department that he “questioned my capacity to work” because I kept being upset or angry every time someone asked me to explain what happened and downplayed it. He drove out every woman who could quit (those with husbands who could pay the mortgage while they looked for another job) and the rest of us just had to deal with it. I spent months explaining to HR how it followed the exact same patterns as domestic violence and explaining how. Only one HR manager and one other Workcover staff person within the department believed me. And one person in finance who later told me how he’d had to save his sister from a violent man. Domestic violence also exists in the workplace. We need a name for it and we need people to realise that these men also abuse and threaten women at work, as well as at home. Sociopaths.
Wow! Watching this makes me so grateful for my husband. It's so sad that a lot of people go thru this stuff every single day. I hope the people who need it will watch this movie and gain strength.
An uncomfortably accurate depiction of domestic abuse. But in my marriage, these hurtful comments came from a woman - my wife. I stuck it out for 16 years because she told me about her childhood and I felt sorry for her. Everyone deserves civility, it's intrinsic to being part of a civilised society. But some people don't accept that tenet. Male and female.
What a good film. Every human needs to watch this so they can see what harm words can do to a person.
I’ve been abused both ways and this is the stuff that replays in your head 10 yrs later. This affected me way more
A sad thing is that by far not all counselors, doctors, solicitors, lawyers, or judges have an idea of what emotional abuse is. And how can you give evidence or facts in court?
many of them are manipulators themselves. people in privileged positions get used to the power and think they themselves are god….
caution, donˆt easily trust anybody .
You cant.. just leave as soon as possible.. or pray for a "discard" from the narcisist
Agree
so true!
It's still a man's world.
Such a powerful reminder of why I want to stay single for the rest of my happy life. I’ve been there TWICE. Even one ☝🏻 time was already too much. Love yourself. You are the only person you’ve got in your life. Respect yourself. Value yourself. You don’t need a significant other- you are significant on your own. You don’t need a better/other half- you are a whole and better person already. You don’t need to find that “missing puzzle piece” to complete your life. You are already complete ❤️
I was in an abusive relationship. I think I would rather have the physical pain than the verbal. He scarred me for life. He was controlling and the names he called me were horrific. I really wouldn't want either but I will have to live the pain he left me with. I pray for the women out there ( or men ) to please get the help. It's out there.
I thought this sand thought over and over while watching this. I’d rather suffer physically based on the life experience I’ve had so far🪷
So why did you put up with it , why did you not walk out,
@@juliehurst3846 I did. After 3 years. I went on with my life and met a wonderful, loving man. He treated me with a lot of love. I miss him. He passed away.
@@juliehurst3846you’re ignorant. Foh
Thanking for this, for raising awareness. Too true. Only a victim or persons who have real life experience in supporting the victims can probably understand the depth of this.
This hurt. I endured 21 years of life with a horrible, evil narcissist husband. I’m now 16 years free of him and I still have nightmares. It’s so, so difficult to heal from emotional abuse. The slightest thing triggers hurtful, angry memories.
I am shocked at my reaction to this film 18 years after I was discarded by my narcissistic husband after 22 years of marriage.
I burst into tears, it was such a relief.
I didn't realise I still held so much pain.
There is also the financial control that compounds the mistreatment.
That look when she heard him come in the door says it all.
I really like the fact that they have casted senior actors bcz it really takes lots of years to actually see the pattern and come to a conclusion that you need to leave.
This hurts so deep.
I pray for everyone that's going through this. And everyone that had the courage to leave. You are all love and deserve the best. Remember that.
Oh man. This is exactly how I felt living with my mother for 18 years. It felt horrible and it still does, but I can't stop wondering whether it might be normal after all. Maybe it's normal for parents to be like this with their children? Maybe I'm just being dramatic and it was never really bad?
Now that I've moved out she insists that I hug her, kiss her, wants me to say I love her etc. . But I just can't do it. I recoil when she touches me. All I really want is for her to acknowledge how the way she treated me made me feel. Maybe I could forgive her, and maybe we could start reparing our relationship. But whenever I try to talk to her about it, she denies those things ever happened. On the rare occasion she admits to it, she says I deserved it because I was a difficult child. All I want is a normal relationship with her, but right now I don't think it will ever happen.
I know exactly how you feel. Had the same crap with my dad, for a long time he was my favourite person, I didn't notice anything wrong until I was a teenager and even then, like you, I'd always convince myself I was being dramatic.
Let me tell you when my mother told me she was moving away with her husband and I could go with them or stay with dad I was torn. I felt so guilty that if I left I'd be leaving dad alone, he had no friends and his siblings had no contact with him.
I still sometimes struggle with accepting leaving was the best decision for me.
I cut contact completely a couple years after moving due to several issues he'd caused.
Before doing so I tried to talk to him about everything he'd put me through, how he'd made me feel ect he denied everything saying he was a perfect father. He accused my mother of turning me against him and when I kept trying to explain convinced himself it wasn't even me talking to him but that she'd taken my social media account.
I haven't spoken to him for...dang probably about ten years or just over now because I had to accept he was never going to hear me no matter how much I wanted him to, no matter how much I hoped our relationship could be improved. He was perfect and anything negative anyone could ever say about him was actually the fault of someone else.
It still hurts, I won't pretend it doesn't, sometimes I even think about just burying the hatchet and messaging him, going back to pretending nothing's wrong. He's fine when he isn't having a bad day he needs to take it out on me and the rest of the world after all.
I think about him sitting at home all alone and feel like a piece of shit for leaving him, especially when he doesn't know why.
But then I have to remind myself that the only thing stopping him from knowing is his own pride. He only made a handful attempts at reaching out, all were him continuing to try to blame everyone else, he hasn't bothered at all for years, so I guess our relationship wasn't as much of a loss for him as he acted like it would be when he tried to manipulate me into not moving.
I'm not saying you have to cut your mother off, but just please be wary that holding out hope will probably just cause more suffering and stop you being able to heal properly. Sounds like you may have already figured that out, but just in case you need a nudge.
Also I didn't mean to write you an essay or seem like I was lecturing haha sorry.
(Oh just a quick edit though to mention if you do get rid of her if she owes you any money/inheritance find a way to get it beforehand. My father still controlled mine and cut me off from it completely 😊 rookie mistake on my part. RIP any college education etc I could have had lol)
Your horrible mother is gaslighting you. Look it up and learn all about it. Look up "trauma bonding" too, because that's what happens to an infant/toddler/child born to cruel, unloving parents who enjoy tormenting their own children. The aspect of demanding that you "love" them after they've viciously abused you (physically, mentally, emotionally) is a particularly vile form of malignant enjoyment that such parents get from slowly and deliberately destroying their own children.
She will never apologise - it sucks but sometimes knowing that can help you move on and process things, too. If you're questioning whether things were "that bad," ask yourself if you'd willingly go back and live your life again with no changes, or if you'd want a child to go through the same exact life experience you had?
It is understandable that you'd ask yourself if you were just being dramatic - realising our parents might have treated us poorly can be devastating.
Nothing canchange or heal as long as she keeps blaming it on you!
My mother has criticised me my whole life. She has done other things as well. My mother and my stepfather blame me if anything goes wrong. There is brainwashing involved. Sometimes you believe things are your fault. No I realise that most things are NOT my fault. I had a job before which involved some paperwork. They said that I was slow. I checked everything always. I refused to make any mistakes. I think that this was related to my childhood. My mother would tell me off over anything. I was a very obedient child. Then when I have a job I refuse to make any mistakes. I think that it is all related to the continual criticism I received as a child. Now I just don’t see Mother very often. I find that this is the best solution. My husband did not believe me at first that my mother is bad. She was a bit better after I got engaged. Now my husband is starting to see that they are bad. They are usually good in front of him. Sometimes they ring up and make demands. I told them no. Isn’t it bizarre how you have to stand up to your family! Family SHOULD be loving and caring! You should not have to think of how to stand up to them! But you do. Now my husband sees that they are users. I am finally getting somewhere!!!
I got out after 4 years and one wonderful child. The abuse didn't start until I was pregnant. It took a lawyer to tell me that I was being gaslighted and she gave me a book she wrote on the subject.
This was my parents. And I believed for decades THIS was "normal".
Found out recently... still relearning how to live and I'm 55 years old
“Not all abuse is physical”. This is so true! My first husband was very emotionally abusive. I didn’t recognize it at the time.
It's never too late to leave & start over. You deserve to be free & happy!
That was me from 1993-2010. It was not every day, and it was sometimes subtle, but I never knew when it would start or what would set it off. He had neck injury and was on disability and had been for several years, could drive and get around well but played the disabled card well so many people thought I was this selfish monster for leaving him. My self esteem was low but I had help from family and a few friends that knew and got out. I was 53. Now I am 66, remarried to a wonderful man, we are both retired and he treats me like I am the best thing that happened to him and he certainly is to me. My advice to others in this situation, planning ahead is everything and be very careful who you tell, the more you tell the more likely he will find out and you will also learn who your true advocates are, private savings account, consult an attorney, be ready when the time comes, move to another town, state if possible, consult police about your situation.
Yes, this was my family. Add kids who aren’t wanted into the mix and it gets even better. I’m so happy the Supreme Court is forcing unhappy couples to become unhappy families.
Vote, vote and volunteer to sign up voters especially the younger people.
It's going to keep getting worse because the religious beliefs of those people will infiltrate and influence our laws.
Right? Bastards.
Sorry, I don't understand. You seem to be from the US. How is your Supreme Court forcing couples to become families?
@@vaska1999 Women in these types of relationships often quietly choose abortion so as not to make life worse for anyone. The supreme courts takedown of Roe v Wade has allowed a few states to severely restrict abortion whereas a woman living in a horrible situation in Alabama is gonna have a life that just gets worse, where a woman in California or New York still has some legal right to decide her outcome.
@@emeraldforcier14
It's a nightmare. Authoritarianism is the government being an abusive husband. Instead of leaving a bad marriage, you are faced with leaving your country. Much harder if even possible. 😢
I was in such a relationship for 4 years and always thought, it was normal. In retrospective the best thing he could do, was leave me. I wouldn't have left him because I was too afraid of being alone.
Im stuck in your exact opposite senario
I thought it was normal
@@jpmor7327 What is an opposite scenario? Please help me understand
Love and hugs to you. It can be so confusing right?
🪷
And that’s the issue, isn’t it? “Afraid to be alone” Let’s teach ourselves our friends and our daughters to be independent and that being alone is better than being with this type of person.
Very powerful message. Far too many people are simply existing.. but aren’t really LIVING. If just one person sees this and decides to get help.. you helped make the world better and brighter. Thank you! 🌏
Instead of a marriage or relationship, I've realized my own father was like this. Since my mother wasn't home most of the day, I've had to do housework, raising my 1 year old brother and balance my school work on top of it all. He treated me more like a servant than his own child. I could never relax if he was around. "Did i sweep the house today?" "did i water the plants?" "where's my brother?" "Am I missing anything?" "Did I do something wrong?" Those were the thoughts that went through my mind every second. What's worse was that He guilt tripped me into being his personal therapist, then when I stopped caring, he told everyone I never supported him. Everyone believed him because he seemed like such a charming and wonderful guy. So i'd say I understand exactly how the traumatizing it can be.
It may be really hard but keep going you are gonna forget all of these in the future living a better life
I had a friend who would leave me feeling like just being near her was walking on eggshells. She seemed nice at first, had unresolved trauma that I helped her with…but then she wouldn’t let me hang out with friends or at least make me feel guilty about it, say things were only bad for her, say she deserved more than me since I didn’t suffer enough and even insulted my bf who was also her friend. Dear god am I glad my bf and I cut off our ties with her, she made me feel like I had to hurt myself to deserve my family and made my bf believe he didn’t get to change for the better
When she meets her younger self at the door.....I busted out crying. I can barely type....all the letters on the keyboard are blurry....
😢❤
Friend of mine had a boyfriend like that for a year. Mocked her decorating for Christmas, baking cookies, wanting intimacy, acted like he was gracious for giving it to her once in a while. Berated her for getting him the wrong presents on his birthday, laughing at her: "Don't you think I will get you some expensive bullshit for your birthday, or flowers." I literally couldn't believe what an utter asshole he was and why she didn't break up with him. I met him once and immediately despised him, gave me the ick. I was so glad when he eventually fucked off and she was set free. She's now with a nice, genuine guy who treats her like she deserves it, so glad she didn't repeat the mistake
The fact that shes getting all dressed up and he says she looks like a clown and laughing with his son is soeaking volume on the abuse..i rlly hope the son doesnt end up the same and is just laughing to save himself from the abusive father
Yep, years of picking away at you, nasty comments, isolation from your friends and family….it goes on…and on… even after you’ve gotten away…it still carries on…stalking, bullying, *the police will not help you, your ‘family’ or’ friends’ will not help you* the only thing that helped me was a really good solicitor. My life is peaceful now.
What is a solicitor?
I have dealt with this kind of abuse off and on for 20 years in a variety of different relationships. It is so insidious, horrific and completely takes control of your life. People who say well why didn't you leave or why did you allow it to happen have definitely never experienced it. We need to show more compassion and kindness to those around us.
Since you now know, then stop dating the predator gender.
@@z7z766 Anyone can be a predator, it's not just males. As a therapist, I am well aware that anyone can cause anyone harm. It's not limited by gender.
I would really recommend not making statements like that to people, especially ones you don't know.
@@z7z766 p.s
When someone shares about their traumatic experiences after watching a video about abuse and then you blame the victim, YOU become a huge part of the problem.
Compassion and understanding and needed in this cold world. Not criticism and judgement.
@@scarlettfrancesca first of all, I don't see where I "blamed" you, "I said since now you know", I don't know why are you triggered by me acknowledging the experience you gained from it, or is because I suggested for you not lie down with the oppressor?
Another thing, you still not over your pick me phase, seeing hiw you arw running with the " not all males" sht, it's not all males but which one? That's you don't know. We live in society where patriarchy is the main system whether you like it to acknowledge or, and what is payriachy? A system BASED on women oppression, that's alone enforce the dynamic between women and males that we are suffering.
males were abusing women since the dawn of time, in femicide 99.9% of killer are males, 92% of domestic violence the perpetrator were males, this gendered violence whether the patriaxchy dogs and daughters want to admit or not. It's in male nature to be violent and aggressive due their hormones, yes everyone human is capable to harm anyone but it's always males who do so.
@@z7z766 ok terf👍
the saddest thing is that im a daughter but ive witnessed my mom go through all of these. I knew my dad was messed up but i didnt expect to find all of these relatable because they happen everyday in my household 💀
Same here, my mum leaving my dad was the best thing to happen to my family. It can be hard to recognise what some of the abuse taking place is if it was all you ever experienced.
This was very upsetting to me. That looked exactly like my mum, and similar stuff happened to our family earlier ago. People don’t seem to see how easy it is to fall into this, and how difficult it can be to get out too. We’re all safe now, I was only 8 when we escaped. I’m glad that there are clips like this that can help explain what it may be like in this situation. Thanks.
Same here, I'm so happy you and your family are safe now. It reminds me how my mum tells me how my dad was nice in the beginning of their relationship but he slowly warped over time, anyone could end up in a situation like this. I'm only 18 and my mum was finally able to leave my dad a couple years ago, I'm so grateful for her and that we could leave. I felt a weight lift off that I didn't even know was there, no one deserves to be with someone so awful. Wish you the best of luck with life!
@@Yazzie1 yeah - I've even heard of a woman who was with a charming guy, then his personality switched and he beat her senseless on their wedding day. The fact there are people out there playing the long game like that, and don't reveal themselves until they think it's too late for you to escape, terrifies me.
Never too late as soon as the coward raises his hand you walk out,
This is any relationship where you feel compelled to walk on eggshells for any reason whatsoever.
If I feel like a man is trying to control me my instinct is to RUN. Its the best thing you can ever do is steer clear of control freaks and build your life up to be strong enough to stay if you choose or leave if you choose. If a man loves you he will love you exactly as you ARE, if he doesnt its HIS LOSS. Protect your children from monsters who feed off of injuring people. Its disgusting.
im not even halfway through watching this but the feeling of everything coming to a halt when the abuser comes home, and the relaxed expression turns into a worried one… that was portrayed very beautifully, and accurately.
I loved the ending, especially with the woman holding her younger self's hands and looking at the door.
I hope everybody who reads this finds true love. You deserve it 💖
My mother and father have a very similar relationship, except there was also a lot of physical abuse. Unfortunately they are Asian, so they deny any help at all and refuse to get separated due to them needing to support my brother and I. My childhood memories are filled of them fighting, and of me being afraid that one day they might kill each other. My Father is abusive to my mother, and my mother is abusive towards us. An unfortunate cycle, how the abused end up being abusers. I’m glad to be leaving home for college and if I ever find myself in a relationship, I hope for it to be a loving one.
Get some professional help or do some reading about how to break behaviour patterns so you can learn some new ones. Good luck.
You may not see the scars from your childhood,but I guarantee that they're there and unless you have professional help there's a good chance that you'll end up in a similar situation.
Unfortunately, you don't know what a truly healthy relationship is between spouses and parent to child.
I hope that you're successful in life and go on to have a good life.
You better go into counselling. The chances of you having a healthy relationship after growing up in a household like that are very slim
@@hautecouture2228Sad...but true..
I think you have your head screwed on but advise to get counselling is probably good. I certainly ended up in some bad relationships due to my step-father’s abusive behaviour. It has seemed to make me put up with things other’s wouldn’t put up with. Some research that we chose what is ‘familiar’. Be smart and chose a kind, gentle and supportive partner. Live with them before marriage if that is possible for you.
Depressing, stopped half-way thru. As a kid I discovered it was best to just never be seen. Couldn't always pull that off. Live that way to this day.
Really? How old are you? Forgive me if I seem to think you are just an attention getter full of crap! Having been in a horrific abusive situation for way too long, I personally, as a victim, take offence to how "la.dee.da" you are about this topic, I think you are a young girl in her bedroom at mom and dads house, board out of your mind! Sweetie, this shit is real!!! I pray you never have to experience anything like it.
She got out at the end. ❤️
Much Love to you 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖
You must've grown up in a very unsafe environment to make such type of decision. I wish for you to find safety within and feel better 💖
@@vytautem.6307 Meh! I was fed, clothed, and had a roof over my head. Because I am aware I am aware that many never had it THAT good!!! As much as I want to cry for myself I am aware that there are many more who have much more to cry about. Self-pity is a hard spot to embrace when you know just how horrific life can be for so many people on this planet.
I indulge it all the same.
Thank you for your best wishes.
That's not only happening in marriages. I walked on eggshells my entire life - until the day my mother died. I was 40.
NO-ONE has the right to treat another human in this way. It's abhorrent that both men and woman are subjected to this sort of abuse and torture. Anyone going through this I beg you to get the help you need and deserve. It's barbaric. ❤️
...... My ex is a sociopath, but most of the abuse I suffered was psychological. I also have an abusive father. Been walking on eggshells for my whole life...
I agree, on the part the poor woman was putting makeup and he called her "clown"... as if he wasn't a clown himself!!!! Stupid abusers...