My mother would actually get a little smirk when I finally reacted to her abuse. From anger to happiness all because she could disregulate me emotionally. I guess it made her feel powerful.
“Your anger problem”... the more patient and docile you become, the worse their abuse becomes because they NEED you to freak out so that the world will label YOU the abuser, even yourself.
Me too. He even got as far as to say something and then, not one Minute later he said "what? I didn't say anything, you're paranoid". Level: Creep. I'm gone for good and he can mess with his own head now.
reminds me of the last night with my ex - he swore something on his dead mother's GRAVE and then literally just 5 minutes later denied it - I have a witness for that! sick bastard... that's when I knew: That's IT.
Yup I dealt with the same thing.. ive been R***ed in my sleep while pregnant, shoved off a deck, cheated on while pregnant, etc and anytime I got angry I was called crazy.
“I’m sorry” translates to “I want you to shut up now” My narc ex literally told me that apologies do not imply future changed behavior. An apology is kind of like a secular version of religious confession but where there’s no Hail Mary’s assigned are the end.
you're right. in the beginning they apologize but after accepting the behavior for a while they don't even bother apologizing anymore but then the apologies didn't mean anything anyway
I like that his tone is always so calm. Manipulation and toxic relationship are not always about screaming and violence and this video is showing it very well. She is doing great at standing up for herself even when he turns it against her. I wish I had had that kind of energy when I was in it. At least now I can spot it easily.
You are so right!!! Having someone gaslight you quietly and turn their back on you with no eye contact continuously while telling you you're crazy is a hell I wouldn't wish on anyone. The worst part is knowing they get away with it because they keep people at a distance and have a compelling facade. They then take your reactions after batting you as and say your reactions are crazy and abusive. It's crazy to watch.how they switch emotions on and off.
I want to say something to you younger women watching this video. When I first married my husband in 1992 I had no idea what a personality disorder was or that my husband would turn out to be the nightmare of my life for 26 years. I now know I was gaslighted for years and felt something was off the entire relationship. I was severely affected from his mental games, cheating, and lies including gaslighting. when my husband finally left me for his girlfriend in 2016, I just completely broke down. I no longer felt like myself and could not understand why I felt so messed up and unlike myself and the world became surreal. I lost everything in the divorce because I was branded horrible person and he got to walk away the hero once again. I didn't know how to be alone. 3 months later on Zoosk, I met a real psychopath and my life really went down the rabbit hole. So to young women out there. if you feel like something is wrong, never doubt yourself, because you're probably not wrong at all. if you don't care for yourself you will literally lose your ability to function normally. I went from a middle-class life to couch surfing at 48 years old. I cannot describe what long term gaslighting does to you, but I don't want that to happen to anyone else so please remember to love yourself never take abuse from anyone. If it feels wrong it probably is wrong.
Dear Kristi, Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are completely right of course - if it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't... gaslighters often actually reinforce the idea that something is wrong but by manipulating their victim into thinking the problem is THEM - which is nonsense and just vicious of course. Even though you were with this guy for quite a long time, well, actually especially as it went on for so long, I wanna say Congratulations! I know how hard it is to survive all that and I also know how hard it can be to - all of a sudden - live outside of this controlling circle as in a sick way it also provided reassurance at times, of course only reassurance needed as someone constantly questioned you over years but nevertheless, suddenly it's gone innit. I know I am just a stranger from the internet but I am super proud of you, couch surfing or not! In fact latter just proofs *how* resilient and what a survivor you are! I wish you all the best on your way of healing and Chapeau for finding the strength to go on, despite what has happened to you. Again: Thanks for sharing your story, I am sure some women here will read it and think twice before not trusting their guts. With lots of love from London (UK)
I have to stand by your words. Gaslighted at childhood, gaslighted at first marriage, because i didn't know any better. Gaslighted at second marriage because i didn't believe, it can repeat again. Yes, run, run ,run if you feel you should. Otherwise your mental and physical health will go down extra quickly. It's not worth it!!!!!!!!!
@Kristi Boyce , I'm very sorry for the experience you have had. I hope you have taken up self care on priority. You might want to look in your childhood for treatment of your primary caregivers towards you. If they let you believe that you don't deserve respect, it sets your bar low for your adult life. God bless you 🙏🏼
@@QbitFilms Thanks everyone for the kind words. Life is a journey and not a destination. In the end, w learn lessons we must. I'm awake and God willing I can use my trauma for good. Blessings to all of you.
The same thing happened to me like you,, the same EXACT SITUATION!!! I’m 60 and living at my brothers with my mother son and two grandkids I lost EVERYTHING!! That’s what he thinks he is a hero!! I worked so hard for everything I had and it’s gone all gone. What a mind f&ck they should be in jail for this abuse.
I was more lonely married for over 20 years than being without a partner. I never make myself cry, my things are where I leave them. I can decorate how I want, watch what I want, and laugh as loud as I want. I was policed, ridiculed and gaslit for soooooooo long. All I feel now is freedom. It’s a beautiful thing.
You are over reacting, you have a problem, you ruin the mood, you are neurotic, you are crazy always shifts the blame to the other person!! They are COLD, distant, detached, they will drive you to a point of INSANITY. TO Any one out there in a relationship like this RUUUUNNNN. I survived one, anyone can!
@@shobhhh6544 sounds like your head has caught up with your gut feeling. If it feels wrong and you are confused... You know what's happening. Try this experiment: stop finding excuses for his behavior - and I mean really consequentially, like a deal you have with yourself - especially if the excuse starts with "But I (did/say) this and that." And then see where you land with your judgement.
You are co-dependent (btw he isn't). If someone loves you , they *always* treat you right (that is how you know they love you) and yes, people like that exist. Doesn't mean they're perfect but decency is either THERE or only sometimes and in that case the person isn't decent, period. Maybe I should have shown some nice moments in the relationship as well but 15 minutes are only so long. People tend to say "he's not all that bad" because he is nice sometimes. That's not true though. You are always as bad as your worst words and action, and everything else is just taking a break from being an abuser. That doesn't make you a better person. Every asshole is nice at times, otherwise they couldn't bind you. This confusing behaviour, nice one day, horrible the next, is part of gaslighting someone. If he was horrible all the time, you wouldn't stay, now would you. Trust me, they only ever give you JUST as much as necessary (to make you stay despite the mismatching moods, actions and words). They say "I love you" but only treat you like it half the time. Everything a narc does is calculated. They bring you down when you become too free/strong/happy and lovebomb you when you seem you've had enough. You need to google trauma bonding because this back and forth on dignified and abusive behaviour is what we confuse with love as we grew up like this. And if you think God send you to him you are suffering from an unhealthy saviour complex. Narcs need ppl with such complexes. Really sorry to say but you are living under the illusion that sticking to your abusive man is a virtue or something. It's not, it's toxic. Get out of there while you can. You're not doing anyone a favour but serving a sociopath who only mimics love. You confuse your trauma bond with romance as it feels so intense. That's not love though. Love is free and healthy, love respects and makes ppl friendly and polite - always, not just sometimes. If you think it makes you a good person to keep forgiving and forgiving and forgiving, you are neglecting yourself just like he neglects you whenever he feels like it. If loving yourself and standing up for yourself when he is being abusive means you end up in a fabricated fight and you find yourself caving in - in order to not lose him - (instead of him apologizing or even if he apologizes, if he just keeps doing it again and again) you are in a toxic, abusive relationship. Forgiveness is noble but not if it means letting someone else walk all over you. That's just co-dependency and yes, only you are, he isn't. You are his narcissistic supply and you tell yourself stories that make it sound romantic while it's just incredibly egomaniac on his side. Don't feel bad though, those stories have helped you survive, like a Stockholm Syndrome where you tell yourself your kidnapper wants your best. Time to see clearly though, time to break free and look the ugly truth in the face. What is between you is not love, it's a trauma bond and you are at the bad end of it, no matter how nice he is at times because that's not the point.
I'm stuck. Coz I love him. And I want to believe that he loves me too. Which I know he doesn't. The way I love him. He also brought up the twin flame doing my gaslighting. And I fell into it.. I'm up there in age. And just want someone to.take care of me. I take care of him.. I'm just happy I got somebody to whom I can love& take care of.. All the rest is just extra
Not all narcissists are physically abusive or they discard before you see that side. Remember that there are consequences for physical abuse (like jail) and many are aware of that and won't do it in any way. When they are in the devaluation phase they will use these techniques to tear you down. There's a youtuber who is diagnosed with NPD and ASPD and she is a woman and non violent but she describes everytime she went into the devaluation phase with a partner, the "horrible treatment" would start. And even if our society loves to make women all crazy biatxes so for a man it's quite easy, she would also use same technique like boyfriend would talk to her "you've been acting different. What's going on? Don't you love me anymore" and she would reply with something like "ofc I do. Where did you get that idea from? Everythings normal. Why do you always bring that issue up. I'm just stressed with work (maybe i didn't sleep well)", but she says it's conscious but she wants to avoid direct confrontation and would dump the guys by simply disappearing and ghosting, and made them feel like it was actually caused by them.
This is spot on what my marriage was. Hot and cold, back and forth. I had had enough of the abuse and I started standing up for myself and fighting back like the woman in the video, and he turned it on me and accused me of being unsubmissive and disrespectful. Then he had an affair. I am STILL to blame for the failure of our marriage. But I am out. It doesn’t matter what he believes or accuses me of anymore. I am divorcing him. I am healing. I am finding my peace again.
I know I’m quite a bit seeing your comment but I sincerely hope that you got away. I’m so proud of you for what you said. You are completely, completely right, what he says does not matter, YOU MATTER! I hope you divorced his pathetic ass and are going through your healing journey with success. You sound like a lovely, compassionate, intelligent woman and you deserve to be treated with dignity, love and respect, not just from romantic partners either. I know I’m a stranger but you certainly have my respect and love.
The narcissist gives crumbs to make us confused enough to stay. Like the little cuddle he gave her. But the gaslighting and belittling just wears you down and you become nothing.
Exactly what it feels like to be slowly tortured by lies and emotional abuse. Thank you for this film. I lived that life for 30 years and it turned me from a happy and carefree young woman, into a middle aged women with no hope and a broken mind. I cannot describe how a long-term relationship like this decimates your psyche. they leave you nothing and nowhere to go because you lose the toolkit to yourself. Heartbreakingly beautiful film and thank you. Sharing stories like this get the word out that psychological abuse is mental rape. You never really get over it. I no longer worry about Predators out there somewhere. I worry about the Predator sleeping next to me.
I was the happy one in the morning but he made sure we had a fight every morning before he went to work. I think the Adrenalin helped him start his day, and I would be crying.
That’s so true. I noticed that when my sister was visiting us about 6 years ago she, the narc, was actually jealous and behaving very strange. It eventually escalated to another blowup and I was walking on eggshells for a few days. Time to move on.
@@thatjtyp Anybody could fall for a narcissist. I think the gabby petito's case showed how brian wasn't only capable of convincing gabby she was crazy but he also convinced the cops, even after getting two 911 calls saying they saw the man hitting and slapping the girl. Also there was a natural flying monkey within the cops, the one who shut down all the others and related with Brian because his wife had anxiety too. A murderer to be was considered the victim and was left off the hook without even a ticket for the road transactions (speeding, crossing a double yellow). So, even the cops let him take the control and narrative in minutes. More vulnerable targets usually become shredded, in romantic relationships or family relationships, even work, you are exposed to this daily. It's like the boiling the frog alive. If you throw a frog into a pot of scalding hot water it immediately jumps out, if you put the frog in cold water and start to slowly heat it the frog won't jump, when it realizes the water is boiling and it's going to kill it, the frog is already burnt and too weak to jump out, so it boils to death.
Agreed. I had some crazy moments when i just didn't even recognize myself. Sadly, I did learn, but I just moved on to attracting more sophisticated versions...
I am a 62 year old Male and my Mom gaslighted me my whole life and at 47 years old I finally saw through her game. That was 16 years ago and she has not talked to me and I have not talked to her since that moment.. It can take many years to see through the game. The cost for not seeing through the game, for me, was low self worth, low self confidence and low self esteem. Fortunately I started retrieving my sense of balance long before I saw through her toxic game [at age 30] and today I am capable of helping others and empowering others rather than doing harm through my unprocessed conditioning. It was a long journey to wholeness. A gaslighter can be very much like a cult leader who can warp your whole sense of identity and perspective on the world, so it's no small thing to break away. Wish you well on this path of freedom........
You're a good son who doesn't leave behind his elderly parent unlike how all the Western kids doing. But too bad your mom was ungrateful. Same as my mom to me. And yet I was the one kept being attacked by everyone around as bad child when it's my mom who damaged me mentally emotionally
Very true. It definitely doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship to experience this. Parents can be *very* manipulative. Just watched a film called, 10 timer til paradis (or Teddy Bear) and it broke my heart. 😔 Best wishes to you.
I love how when you cry, spam doors, get angry, lash out then they get what they want. They say you are the crazy one the drama maker. I was told last night crying my soul out that I was fake crying. They know all the buttons to push.
☝️ truth! Be careful! I understand respond don’t react. And that nobody has the power to “make you” feel or behave in a certain way. However! Sometimes you can only take so much! Narcs will drive Saints to drink and curse. It gets EXHAUSTING to always have to be the one to take the blame or turn the other cheek. I mean, we’re human, but we’re also in an animal body. You can only beat a dog so much before it snaps back. But they WILL keep beating you until your spirit BREAKS. RUN don’t walk away. If you’re a decent person, they WILL do everything break your essence, and you very well may get sick or start interacting/reacting in ways you’re ashamed of because they will push your buttons over and over till you’re triggered by a glance. A person can only take so much abuse. Here’s a joke: What did he codependent say to the Narc when they asked them how they were feeling that day? I don’t know, how do you feel? 😂😂 Holy eggshells tho! Big 🤗💗
If you start dating a man, and he keeps mentioning " crazy" ex's, and she's the villan in all of his stories, RUN! Run as fast as you can, change your phone number, block him on all social media, because you're just getting set up to be the next victim in his narcissistic games.
Everyone thinks their exes are crazy, so we are all someone's crazy ex. The problem is when the person you are talking to is never to blame. That's the red flag. In reality no one is always a victim and those with the biggest victim complex are usually the most abusive.
I know what you mean, many gaslighters play the victim but often the only fault of the victim is that they stay, nothing else, even when reactive abuse happens.
My dad was a narcissist and so was my ex. It took me a long time for me to realise the put downs, criticisms, constant comments were his problems.......not mine. He is weak and sad!!!! I am now free, but it will take me a long time to trust someone again. They act like the life and soul of the party with everyone else and with you they show their true nasty side. My sons and I are now free.
I used to have patience for this type of behavior now I just cut everyone off as soon as they show red flags or as soon as I have a slightest hint that something is off. Life is short never waste your time.
whenever someone is twisting truth and suddenly you find yourself attacked over nothing, whenever someone is putting blame on you for shit they have done, whenever someone tries to manipulate you into thinking you are the problem while THEY are the problem...
My mother gaslighted me my whole life. It stopped when she died. The heaviness just lifted from me and I was grateful to that. I am finally free. No regret. No hard feeling anymore. Only love that was supposed to flow between mother and daughter.
how happy they are if they see you crying or getting out of control. don't give them the supply they want. run far away and go no contact to preserve yourself
I was raised by 2 narcissists...one overt and aggressive and the other covert. I ended up marrying a narcissist because I didn't even know the term existed or what it was. After many years, I finally divorced him and I'm free. Moved far away from my family as well. I didn't start to actually understand what has happened until I got everyone out of my life and began studying the subject. I'm single now and have been for years. I won't even date because I don't trust myself to make good choices. I stay isolated and I know that's the only way to be safe. I trust no one.
You will begin to recognize them ..they have a certain look. You will be repulsed and feel safe with good people and see the red flags. This is my wish for you.
Te entiendo perfectamente, y sabes los psicólogos dicen que es normal y que si volvemos a pasar por lo mismo es parte de la vida y que simplemente se supera y ya, pero yo digo y perdón si estoy mal, pero como ellos no pasaron y vivieron eso es fácil decirlo, pero para quien a vivido el abuso no es fácil, yo el día de hoy no me niego a conocer a alguien pero tampoco lo estoy buscando como otras personas, y si te puedo decir que ya me doy cuenta de las banderas rojas, pero aún así siempre estoy alerta y más porque tengo hijas y con tantas cosas que hoy en día se ven, mejor de lejos.
Me too, I went from narcissistic parents to narcissistic husband, it was all so bad and sad. I don't trust myself any more. I am alone and getting used to it. I don't trust anyone. And I don't trust myself any more either. It's just me and my dog. My life is good and I do miss companionship. But I don't trust anybody. Nice to know I'm not alone. ❤
no one knows how destroying narcissistic abuse is until you experience it. people need to bevome aware and learn how to protect themselves starting a very young age. if i was a teacher i would teach the children about it.
These people always act as if they know what's best for you “get some sleep, you're exhausted” while slowly stabbing you behind your back, no shit you're exhausted.
I've noticed that most narcissists will ask you ARE YOU ACCUSING ME OF..., which actually means they're guilty. Attempting to effectively communicate with them is like speaking to a 3 year old.
Vuelcan todo lo que son en ti, todo lo que los hicieron sentir de niños son lo que quieren que sientamos, y aún que cómo dice un psicólogo ellos no pidieron nacer así, y es triste, tampoco se debe de permitir o normalizar el abuso es abuso se mire desde donde se mire...
i went through a similar relationship for 14 years. I had no idea it was happening other than slowly feeling i was going insane. My self confidence went down to 0.... Its very sad. I hope this video helps someone.
oh gaslighting ... i lived that for more than 10 years!!!! when he starts by turning on the other side, then comes in the kitchen without saying Good morning (silent treatment) makes her feel guilty, then plays the sweetest by forgiving her, then doing nothing for helping in the house and when confronted puts the blame on her... not answering phone calls, not telling you where they are going, giving you their time only when it serves them, telling you what to do and always telling you you are wrong and make you look crazy in front of others, not respecting boundaries, double standards, telling you that "you have a problem" , making you act in ways you would never do, telling you you have "anger problems" yes they make you angry all the time!!! but it's your fault!! being nice to you to then shame you again !! oh I have been there, NO ONE should go thru this!!
Omg all of these I have experienced in my previous relationship. As much as I love him I had to learned the hard way to let him go. When I asked where he was gg, he said I’m a control freak. The giving you time only when it serves them is so damm true!! He is selfish with his time together with me unless it’s about him like his birthday. Tragic.
I feel like gaslighting happens also within families, "friends" and at the workplace. It is that subtle, manipulative, disrespectful behavior towards you.
A girl can be perfectly happy and content until a man come into you life and make you doubt yourself and become unhappy, depressed. If you let it happen over and over again, it’s a very dangerous path
it's not just men. I know women and men who behave in this gaslighting way. It has taken me decades to recognise it and so it's weird seeing their behaviours depicted in videos. It can be a member of your immediate family - a spouse, a child (not of age but of parentage), a parent; basically, it can be any human being. The result is always the same: the destruction of another person or people. Thanks for the videos.
I went through this for 17 years. I run away with my son who was 15 after divorce, he never wanted to see his child. Now it 8 years and we are happy. We had to leave the country in order to never meet him .
To everyone whos left a relationship like this congratulations. To everyone trying to leave may you find the strength and courage to do it . Life will be better afterwards 🎉 thank you for this video. !
The abuser: creates a scenario The victim: reacts to defend themselves The abuser: blames the initial problem on the reaction of the victim to the provocation of the abuser The victim: feels guilty for reacting The abuser: feels self righteous REPEAT REPEAT REPEAT Until the victim's self worth, self esteem and self respect is diminished to the point that they become a shell of their former self. Repeat until the victim has nothing left to give, then brutally discard the victim whilst blame-shifting the breakup onto the victim so they continue to doubt their self worth and self esteem and leave them wondering what they did wrong.
Excellent capturing of the subtle way. Someone who has not experienced this type of abuse could easily be uncertain of who is the one with a problem. 🥲
My mom said that to me all my childhood, blaming me for her problems with her psycho exhusband. I left home at 16 dropped out of highschool and struggled in my life beliving in myself and the choices I made
It's the most liberating feeling the moment you recognize the bullshit. When you start fighting back and it drives them insane and you see how childish it really is, it's the scariest thing for a narcissist to go through, loosing control
It's heartbreaking when you see a loved one obviously being gaslighted but they don't recognise it themselves. By then their self esteem is at rock bottom and you have to fight to bring it back up. Some women find it very difficult to leave these insidious relationships especially when they have children.
I was with (engaged!) An emotionally abusive narcissist for 10 years. I left a little over 4 years ago. I know how horrific it is, the psychological trauma it causes. Get out NOW. I have PTSD from the experience, I sincerely hope that hasn't happened to you yet, and I'd suggest considering therapy or help of some sort after you leave. Hold your head up, you're not alone 💕💕
3 months no contact and I know the trauma bond is strong, because sometimes I miss him, though I do realize that what I miss is the "mask" he showed me at the beginning. I really miss someone who doesn't exist, it's just a projection of what he wants the world to think of him. The gaslighting is just awful, the constant undermining of your own reality and self-esteem, walking on eggshells, being scared of commenting, giving an advice, or just disagreeing with a person because of the reaction you could get. I mean, once, after we finished watching a movie, he argued that I didn't understand a scene, that my interpretation was "wrong", after 10 min of an absolutely useless discussion we went back to the scene only to realize I was actually right. Did I hear "I'm sorry"? Of course not, he tried even harder to prove his point (word salad etc) only for me to be so fed up that in the end I just said "whatever, fine, I don't care, MAYBE I'm wrong"...but at that point I had already "ruined" the evening. It's the little things...but you really don't see it when you're in it...
Very well said! Congrats to leaving him behind. And of course you miss the nicer sides of him, even when fake. After all, you are only human and it's only logical (; and yes it IS the little things. In Germany we say "The devil hides in the details."
@@QbitFilms Exactly! And thank you for your kind words ❤️ Sometimes I do have to remind myself that all the nasty things that happened were real and deliberate with no regret or will to change on his part whatsoever, no matter how much love or affection I showed him...
Well said. It’s been 8 years for me- and I miss the man I created in my head. I hated myself in that relationship. I became someone who took the bait every time. I engaged in the most ridiculous arguments when I KNEW better. Walking away was the hardest thing I have ever done. I thought I was weak. I thought I had no friends. I thought people would be disappointed in me. But the longer I have been away, the more I realize I am strong, I have a huge support system, and I am proud of myself. Anyone questioning whether she should leave, take a deep breath and take one minute at a time. It’s so much better on the other side.
We come into this world alone and we go out alone. We need to enjoy the journey. If you are lucky enough to end up having good loving people around you will have a better journey than if you end up with a narcissist! We allow ourselves to follow this rule society has had that you are not enough if you don’t have someone attached to you! You are ENOUGH! With or without but you are better without a narcissist!
Wasted 8 years with a narcissist. It took some years to learn about narcissists. My confidence was eroded slowly over those years, until there wasn’t much left. He finally left when there was nothing left to use me for. He remarried straight away. I’m still picking up the pieces and having counselling
14 years for me 9 of them married. We have to kids so he still tries to manipulate me through co-parenting them. Even though he left me for someone else it’s never enough for a narcissist to get a constant supply.
Similar story. Left me with £25k of debts after 7 years and was engaged to someone else within 7 months- now travelling the world with his fiance whilst I scrabble around in the reduced section at the supermarket so I can eat
My husband was an intelligence officer in the military. Talk about God level gaslighting and lying. I am still having nightmares years after our divorce. I am in the uncomfortable position of not knowing the truth about almost everything and anything to do with our 30+ year relationship.
It seems impossible to find someone with a similar experience and so long. It'd be so helpful and validating. Would you be interested in "comparing notes"?
My ex's favorite line to me was, "NOT this shit again" This would happen whenever I brought an issue to his attention. I usually held it in for days and when I did say something he flipped it on me and made me think I was always over reacting. The damage is real. I still really do not know when my feelings are real or if I am imagining things. I am a professional and educated yet I still doubt myself all the time. So I finally broke it off for the third time. This is the real end. I am absolutely disgusted by the thought of seeing him or him touching me. I am thankful for that.
@@angy9320 Yep favorite line of manipulators 'listen to me' or 'you are not listening to me'. In other words they want you to comply and not have an identity and opinion of your own. They interrupt and will tell you to let them finish their sentences. They are not listening but will turn it around, project their flaws on you.
When she threw the plate, oh god I felt that. I learned that it’s called reactive abuse. They push you to those reactions so they could seem like the “bigger person”.
I recently learned about this after hitting my ex in the face and I swear for so long I hated myself and sometimes I still think of myself as maybe an abusive person (although my therapist tells me I’m not).. emotional abuse sucks so much and I hate it. It has made me so depressed.
@@QbitFilms I remember being at a restaurant with my ex and overheard this young woman gushing about a film she’d seen or something and her boyfriend was snarking out all these dismissive, unnecessary comments, and her smile just got smaller and smaller and smaller. Still haunts me. Who does that, just sucks the smile off of someone’s face?
Narcissists can't feel big if the ones around them aren't small - so they put others down - probably learnt behaviour from home. Self-reflection would help but then again empathy is missing as a driving force for introspection...
@@QbitFilms And see, to me, the ability to make people feel calm and happy is the superpower. I just don’t get it. Y’all narcissists don’t know what real power is. I understand the dynamic, don’t misunderstand me, it’s just... narcissism is a condition that is based on so many fat freaking societal lies. On top of the natural revulsion I see at a woman deflating like that, it’s dispiriting to see some graceless chump buying into a miserable, emotionally destitute life.
Amen, I was with a seaman. When he left for sea I could BREATHE. I felt guilty for being happy when he left. He also spottet it near the end "why does it feel like you are so happy last day when I am on land?" I have always been a crappy lier so I said I just needed a bit of breathing space and that "every couple is like that, its not healthy to be with each other all the time". Who was I kidding? The life was about HIM when he was on land, he even got jealous of my daughter. "What are you always giggling about?" And "you don't need to read for her EVERY night!" So pathetic. Good riddance! Happy and free now :D
This was difficult to watch, I've been there, several times. Thankfully I woke up and learned about narcissism and recognized the patterns in my life. I'm free now, but very sad about the years of pain and suffering, being abused, thinking it was all my fault. People like this will slowly dismantle your soul until you are nothing but a crazy, empty shell. It's just who they are, broken and incapable of love or empathy, some are worse than others, but there's no hope, leave while you still can. A relationship like this is a living hell.
I'm in one right now...in the process of leaving. This was surreal to watch. It finally made sense to me and also why it's so difficult to communicate to others what's happening and the most people never see what's really going on behind the scenes so they don't really believe it's happening.
@@kaiatribe Been there. You won't believe the change in your life once you are free and you will slowly feel yourself again but it will take time to rewire your brain and allow yourself to be happy and not feel as though you will be punished for it
Thank you for this film! There is still this conviction that women are hysterical (perfect argument for abusers!) and that the household management is their job, like some lesser life form. Once I had a discussion with my colleagues at work, one of them (m) was telling a story about his former neighbour (f), victim of domestic abuse, and what stuck me - he said it was her own fault for having chosen a husband like that. No empathy, no police calling, no offer of help, only victim blaming. And yet, we live in the 21th century, in Europe...
Turning to the other side and not touching you, getting up and making their own coffee and saying they didn’t think you would want one even though you always have one, staying deadly calm when they’ve upset you so they appear to be the sane ones. Being nice just to get what they want out of you (sex) to start being cold again as soon as it’s over. Blaming you for everything. Constantly calling when they want you and accusing you of cheating, ignoring the phone when you ring them. Lying about EVERYTHING.
Little details that hide lots of meanings. Don't feel overwhelmed u have been passed through it. Now u know a lot and trust me, it will lead u soon or later to the right guy
Every part of this, wow. The appear-to-be-the-sane-one part…my ex said he was being stoic, and I was the one that was letting my emotions get the best of me…because I lashed out ONCE and told him I’d punch him in the face if he brought another woman into our house. Absolute madness, and I’m still recovering and healing after almost 2 years.
That was ny husband 😢. Trust me, it only gets worse as the couple ages. I didn't realize all the games that were played until just recently. He passed away 9 years ago. I am still healing. Deep wounds take a long time and therapy.
I know exactly what you mean. Even years after I broke up with my ex, I still sometimes realize in what ways he lied to me to manipulate. Comes almost out of nowhere. Always makes me feel icky deep inside for a while. You're not alone in this. I wish you all the best ❤️
My narc mother gaslit me so much that now I have a tendency to over explain my feelings and perceptions because Im used to the other person invalidating them or not getting what I’m saying (on purpose). Then I married a narc who would say “not again” whenever I brought up any issue, telling me “you just love to fight, that’s what you’re used to for growing up with your family”
omg same, except I didn't marry. it's a shame really how childhood trauma is used against you. those people really don't shy away from anything. a defining moment for me was when my crazy ex twisted something my very dear cousin had said. I trust my cousin, always have, so I knew it was just vile bs. this is when I knew he isn't a friend.
@@QbitFilms seriously... nothing is off limits..actually the more offensive the better then sit back and delight in your reaction. Doesn’t even matter if it’s a completely transparent lie they just keep on going despite the utter ridiculousness. Its pathetic yet still infuriating
6months with a narcissistic husband. Got divorced quickly. Thanks to my dad. I was allowing him to hurt me. But my father was sure he would never allow anyone to hurt his daughter. Be it physically or mentally. I was lucky i had most amazing parents in the world. Otherwise i wasn't bold enough or smart enough to figure out what i was going through is mental abuse and gaslighting.
My boyfriend at the time made a massive drama at his best friend's birthday, everyone told him to leave, I chased after, him he goes to me I knew you're going to come to me like I'm a f****** puppy and he's my owner. I told him no you just have my phone, can I have it back then I walked back to the party😂😂
When you didn't do anything wrong but ended up apologizing and saying sorry, it means you are with narcissist. You must leave that person immediately! The longer you stay with them, the miserable your self and life will be.
I had a relationship like this only my partner was cheating on me THE WHOLE TIME we lived together. Sex and porn addict on top of it. I'd find clues EVERYWHERE and I'd hear back, "You're always stirring up trouble! You're addicted to DRAMA!" and all the time they were lying, cheating, deceiving. OMG I ask myself so many times WHY DID I STAY??? My dear fellow human beings, we stay because we weren't adequately loved as children. We are trying to convince someone we are worthy of love. That we are worth something. We won't get it from a narcissistic gaslighter. Walk the hot coals of solo living for a while. Work through the loneliness and build up your own self esteem before you let someone take what little you have away from you. Be strong! Love yourself.
Thank you for those strong words! So very true that they will never make us feel worthy of love, nor give us some kind of excuse or acknowledgement for the loss of self esteem. Children with narcissistic parents will never heal.
Literally cried when she was happy to see him in the morning. I’ve been here and felt totally crushed like I was nothing. God this hurt. Going to keep watching.
I know what you mean and that is exactly what it's like to be with a gaslighter. The back and forth is really the up and down of the clarity and personal power she has, the level of boundaries and truth that goes up and down - if that makes sense? In the film, he first makes her feel guilty over nothing (classy), then shuts down her attempt to have a conversation about household chores, again by guilt-shaming her, then stands her up and practically cheats on her, then love bombing again (cuddling a lot and pretending everything is normal and alright). Soon again a stupid power game, him not wanting to "disrespect" his (male) friend while completely disrespecting her, almost treating her like a dog or a child. She finally has enough and for the first time says "No!". then she has a nice afternoon for herself at home, gains some strength, even gets a healthy attitude, setting some boundaries etc. and he seems to be alright with it (on the phone) but only because he is not alone. once he can speak freely, he bitches at her again, trying to make her think reasonable criticism from her side is nothing but "nagging" and "drama" etc. (classy). well, she still has enough and just hangs up and ignores him when he comes home. see how stronger she grew - and so he brings out the big guns, launching a strong gaslighting campaign, insisting on explaining something so ludicrous to her, it is an insult in itself, on top of that some very personal and unfair insults and he has her where he needs her, small and crying. anyway, she comes back and his demeaning tone makes her snap, the level of disrespect is practically unbearable at this point, but that again plays in his favour cause now he can finally portray her as crazy. he made her that angry but in the sick mind of a gaslighter that is not his fault (cause nothing ever is). so she goes for a walk, feeling awful, wondering why he is so awful to her and when she comes back home, he completes what is called a double-whammy: first you anger someone a lot or in any way make them react very emotionally (they know where your buttons are and are not afraid to use them) and then they guilt-shame you over the reaction. it is so harsh to even just be confronted with the first part, but then being told your reaction is one another fault of yours, is too much - tik tok you dead, they won (often). in the film, he agitates her over days and then on the sofa scene at the end, last strike: he confronts her with a strong lie (like "you have anger problems") WHAM another hit after all the shit that happened the days before, it's hard to defend yourself against a lie in the first place. then on top of that he projects, which means he projects his guilt onto her, asking *her* "Why do you do that?" -> that's diverting and distracting from himself. also he uses an actually healthy rule in a relationship (to not get angry over things in the past) and uses it in order to forbid her to talk about past abuse (very classy as well). and then he says "why dont you rest for tonight, you look tired" - in one sentence he made her feel bad (you look like shit) and sent her away, having the power in his hands again. BUT she isn't stupid and talks to her sister about the trip to the masseuse - understands the dynamics of abuse (as in not having even time to gasp, let alone defend yourself, as the attacks are so frequent and draining) and when he again wants to manipulate her into thinking she is always the problem, this time threatening with breaking up (again: classy and also strong projection, he'd rather make her feel bad then losing power and grip over her). well then she finally has it and cuts the toxic cord by throwing him off the bridge. and no, she didn't kill him, she just pushed him out of her life. so it's not just people fighting, it's a whole campaign with the goal to gain power over someone else and destroy their sense of self, truth and clarity (mentally, emotionally and spiritually).
@@QbitFilms I'm a Supporter of Johnny Depp, and if we reverse the sexes, this is how he has been violated, abused, and tortured physically/mentally by his ex-wife, Amber Heard ‼️ T x
well I don't know what happened there, being super wasted as a guy might not be very safe to be around but also yeah sure, also women can be gaslighters, absolutely.
This was exactly what I needed to see right now. The first scene with the pulling away in bed and waking up and not saying hi... I was shaking immediately. It’s dead on to my life right now. Thank you for making this.
This is the most accurate emotional abuse short film I've seen (to my situation atleast) They make you feel like you're the crazy one and that you're always doing things wrong. They'll apologize and make it seem genuine but it's not actually and then you end up apologizing too because you feel bad. Eventually you start losing your cool and stand up for yourself and you end up apologizing for your reaction but you don't even know why you did what you did or said what you said. You get so angry at them and you just want to be left alone but they won't leave you alone they'll keep going on and on about what you did wrong. Eventually you feel like you're the problem because everything they do is so subtle. They're always so calm even when they're not they calm down and you're stood yelling at them or something but you don't even know why because you just wanted to talk it out. The end where they talk about the fact that you don't even have energy to say anything and then when you do you feel like there's no point now was such an amazing metaphor. Literally well fucking done.
I’d like to add that it’s often thought this only happens in romantic relationships. Speaking from personal experience, it’s also common with siblings, offspring, other family members and friends. Be aware, abusers come in many forms.
The true meaning of Gaslighting: DISRESPECTFULL. When your partner truly loves you, he will never disrespect you. He or she is immature, selfish and ungrateful. There is no such thing as falling out of love. If your partner makes you feel like they can't stand you, then it was never true love, just lust. The crazy thing is the words hurt more than the blows. Don't starve your heart for true love and affection. Somewhere in this big world someone would give anything to love and be loved but you won't find it if you stick around hoping to change your partner because that will never happen. No matter how much you love someone if they don't want to be with you; they will disrespect you. Hold your head up high, wipe away your tears and go seek the love you truly deserve.
Narcissists will fault you for waking them. Narcissists will fault you for NOT waking them! To a Narcissist you are there to be a punching bag, someone to blame.
I went to a doctor once. She needed to do a procedure. It was very painful. I kept asking for short breaks between her lancing but she ignored me totally. I wound up screaming and crying like a baby. All I needed was a few seconds. I never returned after the follow up visit. She lacked empathy.
Interesting theory. I am inclined to agree. However, it is a *decision* to be abusive - every single day, every.single.time. I'm not saying they can help the way they are, but they *decide* to involve a victim. This is very important to mention. There are so many people, often women, out there, who think "If I just love him hard enough, he will turn into a nice person" but that will never happen. And because they switch between abusive and not abusive, this naive hope never dies. SPs/Narcs are actually brain damaged (see different brain scans). They will never heal and therapy just teaches them how to not get into trouble. In a way it's like in the vampire stories. You grow up with energy suckers (narcs) and you are never good enough for them. As a child you therefore learn that if a relationship isn't great, it's your fault, and only you can fix it/them. Trust me, this is not how narcs feel - quite the opposite. For them, it's always the other person's fault. So you either turn into a vampire yourself because you *decide* that is more comfortable for you. Or you *decide* to become a Renfield, someone who goes through life endlessly trying to fix others and letting future partners deplete them like their parents did. At times, two Draculas form a marriage and sometimes maybe even two Renfields. But often, it's one of each. Renfields can, over time, develop boundaries and, for once, apply their fixing energy onto themselves. Having all of your energy for yourself, of course, feels amazing then. Just like in the myth, a Renfield can be healed. But once a vampire... that's it, no going back until you "meet your maker" lol True Blood reference. Maybe the vampires can't help but find victims, but that is their problem. Perhaps they can only truly heal if they just can't live off other ppl's energy - if they are forced to find other ways. So if you love them, don't be their supply - it's a shortcut for them that is just enabling them. Normal ppl heal through the love of others, narcs just leech - and it's a bottomless pit.
Wow! You’ve really captured it! This is the first one I’ve seen where the victim is actually feisty and not completely meek. Sometimes a victim will be pushed so far that they will begin to stick up for themselves. Also, the reactive abuse is accurate. And the reaction of the abuser is also accurate. Very powerful film.
There is the toxic partner but there are families like this. That is how it starts. There is always the honeymoon period in any relationship and then it starts. If you can’t be friends no point in staying lovers.
Like ballet on eggshells, without breaking Any! Been there done that. Now, here, I am OUT!More than surviving, now I am thriving! Pray the Best for those in the hellish existence with Narcissistic personality disordered people, it’s sheer Misery. Know Nothing will Ever be enough, until….. You’ve had enough!
gas lighting is the worst form of abuse by a Narcissist,.its abuse at its worse trying to make you feel guilty for something or a situation the abuser created
Are they only narcissistic who gaslight? He made me feel guilty constantly of the situation he created himself, your sentence is really right for what I lived
After almost 30yrs of this, i finally broke free a year ago. Im on medication for depression and social anxiety now, have great support and slowly healing. I've never felt so free, it's amazing. Good luck to those of you who are going through the same, you can and will get through it and emerge a better, happier, independent stronger person ❤️
I have never married or had children. I havent even dated in about 12 years. This might be due to the fact that i was raped in 2003. I am very content being single. Watching this film made me feel trapped and like i was being smothered. It made me want to RUN. I felt relief when it was over. Being raped doesn't end emotionally and i still get triggered. I feel sorry for anyone who identifies with this film.😑🖤
yep that's what a tight psychological grip by a manipulator feels like - like you are caged within your own mind and emotions. sorry to hear about your story. I wish you all the best
Kim, I am very sorry for what happened to you. As a survivor of something similar myself and a therapist, I hope you would consider trying trauma therapy, like EMDR. There is power and liberation in getting good support, relief on the intensity and burden of painful thoughts and feelings, and having more energy and headspace to live your life the way you choose, with more peace, before you were interrupted. You deserve to be happy. Much peace to you.
Gotta love how they are loud obnoxious getting into bed. But heaven forbid you touch them or move in bed accidentally waking them; gotta love recording or picture or back in texts to prove you're not lying or crazy. Then when you've had it react they crazy make. Or they take their sweet time to leave, while you're getting everything ready then have the nerve to rush you.
Wow my ex did this too!! Such horrible people. We need to teach our kids to be confident and happy being single to the point that they will be quick to notice red flags and leaves these people alone. Such miserable beings
To any survivors of this insidious psychological torture... Please know how beautiful you are. How valuable and worthy you are. How you never deserved this kind of inferior mistreatment. It's a slow drip of wearing on ur self esteem and it's a reflection of THEM. THEIR LACK. THEIR SELF HATRED. My love care and understanding is with you. Love, A survivor of a psychopath Machiavellian and live to teach the education to levels of law enforcement, judiciary, resource centers, counselors, psychologists... And eventually get the Senate to pass better laws to protect n help victims but also PROSECUTE these criminals. Narcissistic Abuse is not normal abuse. Its the total evisceration of the targeted victim. We lose everything. Literally everything including our minds children assets self trust self worth and our identity.
I left a comment about my bad relationship and how walking away is better than staying. Being used and abused in a relationship can happen slowly and nearly in a way you can't see it happening for some reason. Then it becomes so bad that getting away seems impossible. Waking up to reality is hard when you've been undermined to believe you're the problem. I finally woke up to truth and got away and emotionally grew stronger and finally found the best relationship of my life. The emotions of what we believe is love can sway us from truth and even make us lost and dependent on someone who is actually abusing us. We live and learn how life isn't a smooth dream.
My friend was gaslighted for over thirty years until she finally took control. She shot herself last week. Now her husband is paying for it in many ways. Their kids have disowned him now.
This happened to me, my MANAGER MANIPULATED AND LIED TO ME, to the point where you don’t have the STRENGTH TO DEFEND YOURSELF FROM YOUR ABUSER OR A TOTAL STRANGER USING OR ABUSING YOU. IT TAKES A LONG TIME TO HEAL. Be kind to yourself, this is SPIRITUAL WARFARE.❤❤❤
It sucks when others dont realize you are in this type of serious relationship and how damaged you are when you finally get away and family or whatever dont even have a clue and just think you enjoy messing up your life on your own ....
Just going through that now. I’m 72 and have been with that narc for 34. Finally realized what was happening. My daughter does not believe me and has thrown me over for a relationship with him.
My narcissistic father, who allowed me to be horrifically abused growing up, always tried to act like the way I turned out had nothing to do with him. It had everything to do with him. I didn’t know what a normal person was like because everyone around me was so disordered that eventually I got to the point where I acted like a disordered human being just to fit in with the crazy people! And that’s when they labeled me crazy and I finally knew I was just playing a game with a bunch of people who are so sick, demented, distorted and absurd they wouldn’t even tell me if I did “win.” They don’t even know what the rules are. They change them when it suits their fancy. 😂 It is no measure of one’s health to fit into a profoundly sick society.
![Caged In [Extended Version] - Award winning Domestic Violence short film (2016)](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/iiF9ays47EI/mqdefault.jpg)
I went through it for 30yrs. As soon as he moved out I slept better than I’ve ever slept. It’s so nice living alone!
I congratulate myself for living happily alone.
Good for you
Love is not supposed to be like this
Same girl same 🖤
I do the same and I am sorry
Gas lighting doesn't occur in all relationships. Life is risk.
The narcissist’s secret weapon. They provoke you to anger, then you’re the bad one.
My mother would actually get a little smirk when I finally reacted to her abuse. From anger to happiness all because she could disregulate me emotionally. I guess it made her feel powerful.
“Your anger problem”... the more patient and docile you become, the worse their abuse becomes because they NEED you to freak out so that the world will label YOU the abuser, even yourself.
omg i was i this shit for too long
@@xy4669 me too!!! and he make everyone around us believe I was a bad person! I end up completely alone
OmG
Me too. He even got as far as to say something and then, not one Minute later he said "what? I didn't say anything, you're paranoid". Level: Creep. I'm gone for good and he can mess with his own head now.
reminds me of the last night with my ex - he swore something on his dead mother's GRAVE and then literally just 5 minutes later denied it - I have a witness for that! sick bastard... that's when I knew: That's IT.
An acquaintance of mine said, "If a man that you love makes you cry all the time, he doesn't love you."
❤sooo true,I agree ,why should we be with someone who makes us feel bad every day and make us cry ,too😢😮
Right! ☹️
Yes
The thing that felt so real was him talking about her “anger problem” - like he didn’t work his hardest to provoke her every single day.
💯
reactive abuse
Yup I dealt with the same thing.. ive been R***ed in my sleep while pregnant, shoved off a deck, cheated on while pregnant, etc and anytime I got angry I was called crazy.
Really sorry to hear this happened to you! Happy you are out now!
They never apologize or only occasionally give fake apologies with no real change, and make themselves out to be the victim. It's sick
It's so sick. Hero or victim, never villian.
Yes, it literally is sick. Those people are not okay. They are creepy. :(
It's sick and it's narcissist behavior: Intermittent reinforce.
“I’m sorry” translates to “I want you to shut up now” My narc ex literally told me that apologies do not imply future changed behavior. An apology is kind of like a secular version of religious confession but where there’s no Hail Mary’s assigned are the end.
you're right. in the beginning they apologize but after accepting the behavior for a while they don't even bother apologizing anymore but then the apologies didn't mean anything anyway
I like that his tone is always so calm. Manipulation and toxic relationship are not always about screaming and violence and this video is showing it very well. She is doing great at standing up for herself even when he turns it against her. I wish I had had that kind of energy when I was in it. At least now I can spot it easily.
You are so right!!! Having someone gaslight you quietly and turn their back on you with no eye contact continuously while telling you you're crazy is a hell I wouldn't wish on anyone. The worst part is knowing they get away with it because they keep people at a distance and have a compelling facade. They then take your reactions after batting you as and say your reactions are crazy and abusive. It's crazy to watch.how they switch emotions on and off.
I want to say something to you younger women watching this video. When I first married my husband in 1992 I had no idea what a personality disorder was or that my husband would turn out to be the nightmare of my life for 26 years. I now know I was gaslighted for years and felt something was off the entire relationship. I was severely affected from his mental games, cheating, and lies including gaslighting. when my husband finally left me for his girlfriend in 2016, I just completely broke down. I no longer felt like myself and could not understand why I felt so messed up and unlike myself and the world became surreal. I lost everything in the divorce because I was branded horrible person and he got to walk away the hero once again. I didn't know how to be alone. 3 months later on Zoosk, I met a real psychopath and my life really went down the rabbit hole.
So to young women out there. if you feel like something is wrong, never doubt yourself, because you're probably not wrong at all. if you don't care for yourself you will literally lose your ability to function normally. I went from a middle-class life to couch surfing at 48 years old. I cannot describe what long term gaslighting does to you, but I don't want that to happen to anyone else so please remember to love yourself never take abuse from anyone. If it feels wrong it probably is wrong.
Dear Kristi,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are completely right of course - if it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't... gaslighters often actually reinforce the idea that something is wrong but by manipulating their victim into thinking the problem is THEM - which is nonsense and just vicious of course. Even though you were with this guy for quite a long time, well, actually especially as it went on for so long, I wanna say Congratulations! I know how hard it is to survive all that and I also know how hard it can be to - all of a sudden - live outside of this controlling circle as in a sick way it also provided reassurance at times, of course only reassurance needed as someone constantly questioned you over years but nevertheless, suddenly it's gone innit. I know I am just a stranger from the internet but I am super proud of you, couch surfing or not! In fact latter just proofs *how* resilient and what a survivor you are! I wish you all the best on your way of healing and Chapeau for finding the strength to go on, despite what has happened to you. Again: Thanks for sharing your story, I am sure some women here will read it and think twice before not trusting their guts. With lots of love from London (UK)
I have to stand by your words. Gaslighted at childhood, gaslighted at first marriage, because i didn't know any better. Gaslighted at second marriage because i didn't believe, it can repeat again. Yes, run, run ,run if you feel you should. Otherwise your mental and physical health will go down extra quickly. It's not worth it!!!!!!!!!
@Kristi Boyce , I'm very sorry for the experience you have had.
I hope you have taken up self care on priority.
You might want to look in your childhood for treatment of your primary caregivers towards you. If they let you believe that you don't deserve respect, it sets your bar low for your adult life.
God bless you 🙏🏼
@@QbitFilms
Thanks everyone for the kind words. Life is a journey and not a destination. In the end, w learn lessons we must. I'm awake and God willing I can use my trauma for good. Blessings to all of you.
The same thing happened to me like you,, the same EXACT SITUATION!!! I’m 60 and living at my brothers with my mother son and two grandkids I lost EVERYTHING!! That’s what he thinks he is a hero!! I worked so hard for everything I had and it’s gone all gone. What a mind f&ck they should be in jail for this abuse.
I was more lonely married for over 20 years than being without a partner. I never make myself cry, my things are where I leave them. I can decorate how I want, watch what I want, and laugh as loud as I want. I was policed, ridiculed and gaslit for soooooooo long. All I feel now is freedom. It’s a beautiful thing.
You are over reacting, you have a problem, you ruin the mood, you are neurotic, you are crazy always shifts the blame to the other person!! They are COLD, distant, detached, they will drive you to a point of INSANITY. TO Any one out there in a relationship like this RUUUUNNNN. I survived one, anyone can!
Not fully but now am not trusting him anymore.......
@@shobhhh6544 sounds like your head has caught up with your gut feeling. If it feels wrong and you are confused... You know what's happening. Try this experiment: stop finding excuses for his behavior - and I mean really consequentially, like a deal you have with yourself - especially if the excuse starts with "But I (did/say) this and that." And then see where you land with your judgement.
I'm stuck in it. Coz I love him. I know he doesn't love me as I do him. He still has a lot of good qualities that keeps me bound to him.
You are co-dependent (btw he isn't). If someone loves you , they *always* treat you right (that is how you know they love you) and yes, people like that exist. Doesn't mean they're perfect but decency is either THERE or only sometimes and in that case the person isn't decent, period. Maybe I should have shown some nice moments in the relationship as well but 15 minutes are only so long. People tend to say "he's not all that bad" because he is nice sometimes. That's not true though. You are always as bad as your worst words and action, and everything else is just taking a break from being an abuser. That doesn't make you a better person. Every asshole is nice at times, otherwise they couldn't bind you. This confusing behaviour, nice one day, horrible the next, is part of gaslighting someone. If he was horrible all the time, you wouldn't stay, now would you. Trust me, they only ever give you JUST as much as necessary (to make you stay despite the mismatching moods, actions and words). They say "I love you" but only treat you like it half the time. Everything a narc does is calculated. They bring you down when you become too free/strong/happy and lovebomb you when you seem you've had enough. You need to google trauma bonding because this back and forth on dignified and abusive behaviour is what we confuse with love as we grew up like this. And if you think God send you to him you are suffering from an unhealthy saviour complex. Narcs need ppl with such complexes. Really sorry to say but you are living under the illusion that sticking to your abusive man is a virtue or something. It's not, it's toxic. Get out of there while you can. You're not doing anyone a favour but serving a sociopath who only mimics love. You confuse your trauma bond with romance as it feels so intense. That's not love though. Love is free and healthy, love respects and makes ppl friendly and polite - always, not just sometimes. If you think it makes you a good person to keep forgiving and forgiving and forgiving, you are neglecting yourself just like he neglects you whenever he feels like it. If loving yourself and standing up for yourself when he is being abusive means you end up in a fabricated fight and you find yourself caving in - in order to not lose him - (instead of him apologizing or even if he apologizes, if he just keeps doing it again and again) you are in a toxic, abusive relationship. Forgiveness is noble but not if it means letting someone else walk all over you. That's just co-dependency and yes, only you are, he isn't. You are his narcissistic supply and you tell yourself stories that make it sound romantic while it's just incredibly egomaniac on his side. Don't feel bad though, those stories have helped you survive, like a Stockholm Syndrome where you tell yourself your kidnapper wants your best. Time to see clearly though, time to break free and look the ugly truth in the face. What is between you is not love, it's a trauma bond and you are at the bad end of it, no matter how nice he is at times because that's not the point.
I'm stuck. Coz I love him. And I want to believe that he loves me too. Which I know he doesn't. The way I love him. He also brought up the twin flame doing my gaslighting. And I fell into it.. I'm up there in age. And just want someone to.take care of me. I take care of him.. I'm just happy I got somebody to whom I can love& take care of.. All the rest is just extra
This is so down played. Narcissistic abuse is TOXIC, volatile, ANGRY but it's true - always starts of with " you ruined my morning"
What it feels like is a sock in the stomach.
omg so true
It always begins calm and nonchalant.
Not all narcissists are physically abusive or they discard before you see that side.
Remember that there are consequences for physical abuse (like jail) and many are aware of that and won't do it in any way.
When they are in the devaluation phase they will use these techniques to tear you down.
There's a youtuber who is diagnosed with NPD and ASPD and she is a woman and non violent but she describes everytime she went into the devaluation phase with a partner, the "horrible treatment" would start. And even if our society loves to make women all crazy biatxes so for a man it's quite easy, she would also use same technique like boyfriend would talk to her "you've been acting different. What's going on? Don't you love me anymore" and she would reply with something like "ofc I do. Where did you get that idea from? Everythings normal. Why do you always bring that issue up. I'm just stressed with work (maybe i didn't sleep well)", but she says it's conscious but she wants to avoid direct confrontation and would dump the guys by simply disappearing and ghosting, and made them feel like it was actually caused by them.
This is spot on what my marriage was. Hot and cold, back and forth. I had had enough of the abuse and I started standing up for myself and fighting back like the woman in the video, and he turned it on me and accused me of being unsubmissive and disrespectful. Then he had an affair. I am STILL to blame for the failure of our marriage.
But I am out. It doesn’t matter what he believes or accuses me of anymore. I am divorcing him. I am healing. I am finding my peace again.
submissive is an insult... how is not submissive a blame? ;D
How long were you married? I feel just like you.
I know I’m quite a bit seeing your comment but I sincerely hope that you got away. I’m so proud of you for what you said. You are completely, completely right, what he says does not matter, YOU MATTER! I hope you divorced his pathetic ass and are going through your healing journey with success. You sound like a lovely, compassionate, intelligent woman and you deserve to be treated with dignity, love and respect, not just from romantic partners either. I know I’m a stranger but you certainly have my respect and love.
🙏 be💯 proud of yourself the strength you had to walk away. You my dear🌹 have lost nothing him everything ..God bless and well done Alyssa 👍❤
The narcissist gives crumbs to make us confused enough to stay. Like the little cuddle he gave her. But the gaslighting and belittling just wears you down and you become nothing.
Exactly what it feels like to be slowly tortured by lies and emotional abuse. Thank you for this film. I lived that life for 30 years and it turned me from a happy and carefree young woman, into a middle aged women with no hope and a broken mind. I cannot describe how a long-term relationship like this decimates your psyche. they leave you nothing and nowhere to go because you lose the toolkit to yourself. Heartbreakingly beautiful film and thank you. Sharing stories like this get the word out that psychological abuse is mental rape. You never really get over it. I no longer worry about Predators out there somewhere. I worry about the Predator sleeping next to me.
I was the happy one in the morning but he made sure we had a fight every morning before he went to work. I think the Adrenalin helped him start his day, and I would be crying.
what a bitch. happy this is over now
You can’t be happy. They hate it when you’re happy.
That’s so true. I noticed that when my sister was visiting us about 6 years ago she, the narc, was actually jealous and behaving very strange. It eventually escalated to another blowup and I was walking on eggshells for a few days. Time to move on.
Exactly!!!!
Very true.
THEY bring out the worst in you with all their games, then call you crazy! It’s disgusting. They sure make you feel like you’re going crazy!
Or you gave them the control over your feelings and allowed them to make you feel crazy. Which is the exact thing that drives them. Control
Why they do this, its demonic
@@thatjtyp Anybody could fall for a narcissist. I think the gabby petito's case showed how brian wasn't only capable of convincing gabby she was crazy but he also convinced the cops, even after getting two 911 calls saying they saw the man hitting and slapping the girl.
Also there was a natural flying monkey within the cops, the one who shut down all the others and related with Brian because his wife had anxiety too.
A murderer to be was considered the victim and was left off the hook without even a ticket for the road transactions (speeding, crossing a double yellow).
So, even the cops let him take the control and narrative in minutes.
More vulnerable targets usually become shredded, in romantic relationships or family relationships, even work, you are exposed to this daily.
It's like the boiling the frog alive. If you throw a frog into a pot of scalding hot water it immediately jumps out, if you put the frog in cold water and start to slowly heat it the frog won't jump, when it realizes the water is boiling and it's going to kill it, the frog is already burnt and too weak to jump out, so it boils to death.
Agreed. I had some crazy moments when i just didn't even recognize myself. Sadly, I did learn, but I just moved on to attracting more sophisticated versions...
@@MichelleIbarraMHAEdD Wow
. Relatable. Just like there are sophisticated scammers, besides the obvious ones.
I was blamed for anger problems, too. It was my reaction to his abuse.
It's called reactive abuse.
Same
I am a 62 year old Male and my Mom gaslighted me my whole life and at 47 years old I finally saw through her game. That was 16 years ago and she has not talked to me and I have not talked to her since that moment.. It can take many years to see through the game. The cost for not seeing through the game, for me, was low self worth, low self confidence and low self esteem. Fortunately I started retrieving my sense of balance long before I saw through her toxic game [at age 30] and today I am capable of helping others and empowering others rather than doing harm through my unprocessed conditioning. It was a long journey to wholeness. A gaslighter can be very much like a cult leader who can warp your whole sense of identity and perspective on the world, so it's no small thing to break away. Wish you well on this path of freedom........
❤❤❤❤❤
You're a good son who doesn't leave behind his elderly parent unlike how all the Western kids doing. But too bad your mom was ungrateful. Same as my mom to me. And yet I was the one kept being attacked by everyone around as bad child when it's my mom who damaged me mentally emotionally
Very true. It definitely doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship to experience this. Parents can be *very* manipulative. Just watched a film called, 10 timer til paradis (or Teddy Bear) and it broke my heart. 😔
Best wishes to you.
I love how when you cry, spam doors, get angry, lash out then they get what they want. They say you are the crazy one the drama maker. I was told last night crying my soul out that I was fake crying. They know all the buttons to push.
sounds like you should leave this person. staying in such a toxic relationship is no good. get out before you are damaged / hurt more
Done that cry none stop all night ...rest less nights...get out it ...you will be fine just takes time ...I pray for you ..💞
☝️ truth! Be careful!
I understand respond don’t react. And that nobody has the power to “make you” feel or behave in a certain way.
However!
Sometimes you can only take so much! Narcs will drive Saints to drink and curse. It gets EXHAUSTING to always have to be the one to take the blame or turn the other cheek. I mean, we’re human, but we’re also in an animal body. You can only beat a dog so much before it snaps back. But they WILL keep beating you until your spirit BREAKS. RUN don’t walk away.
If you’re a decent person, they WILL do everything break your essence, and you very well may get sick or start interacting/reacting in ways you’re ashamed of because they will push your buttons over and over till you’re triggered by a glance.
A person can only take so much abuse.
Here’s a joke:
What did he codependent say to the Narc when they asked them how they were feeling that day?
I don’t know, how do you feel?
😂😂
Holy eggshells tho!
Big 🤗💗
Earth angel--please find a way to leave this toxicity--you are a worthwhile beautiful person with much to give...peace and best wishes.
@@CrazyCoon100 True words. Thank you. 💕
If you start dating a man, and he keeps mentioning " crazy" ex's, and she's the villan in all of his stories, RUN! Run as fast as you can, change your phone number, block him on all social media, because you're just getting set up to be the next victim in his narcissistic games.
And then you always have to prove to them that you’re not like them
Everyone thinks their exes are crazy, so we are all someone's crazy ex. The problem is when the person you are talking to is never to blame. That's the red flag. In reality no one is always a victim and those with the biggest victim complex are usually the most abusive.
I know what you mean, many gaslighters play the victim but often the only fault of the victim is that they stay, nothing else, even when reactive abuse happens.
in fact saying "It takes 2 to tango" is relativizing abuse and again, another gaslighting tactic.
Could not agree more. Always listen to a man when he speaks about himself at the very beginning- often they say a lot . But we never listen, don’t we?
My dad was a narcissist and so was my ex. It took me a long time for me to realise the put downs, criticisms, constant comments were his problems.......not mine. He is weak and sad!!!! I am now free, but it will take me a long time to trust someone again. They act like the life and soul of the party with everyone else and with you they show their true nasty side.
My sons and I are now free.
I used to have patience for this type of behavior now I just cut everyone off as soon as they show red flags or as soon as I have a slightest hint that something is off. Life is short never waste your time.
How do you know what hints to look for?
Me too.
whenever someone is twisting truth and suddenly you find yourself attacked over nothing, whenever someone is putting blame on you for shit they have done, whenever someone tries to manipulate you into thinking you are the problem while THEY are the problem...
ME TOO...NEVER EVER EVER AGAIN WILL I TOLERATE THAT BEHAVIOUR FROM ANY ONE I DONT CARE WHO THEY ARE ....
👍
My mother gaslighted me my whole life. It stopped when she died. The heaviness just lifted from me and I was grateful to that. I am finally free. No regret. No hard feeling anymore. Only love that was supposed to flow between mother and daughter.
how happy they are if they see you crying or getting out of control. don't give them the supply they want. run far away and go no contact to preserve yourself
Yes!! They have sadistic tendencies, so sick
People who gaslight others tend to be narcissists
they are narcissists or psychopaths
I was raised by 2 narcissists...one overt and aggressive and the other covert. I ended up marrying a narcissist because I didn't even know the term existed or what it was. After many years, I finally divorced him and I'm free. Moved far away from my family as well. I didn't start to actually understand what has happened until I got everyone out of my life and began studying the subject. I'm single now and have been for years. I won't even date because I don't trust myself to make good choices. I stay isolated and I know that's the only way to be safe. I trust no one.
100% You could be me; I could be you. I don't trust myself to know a good person from a bad person anymore.
Your confession sounds like my life story, too.
You will begin to recognize them ..they have a certain look. You will be repulsed and feel safe with good people and see the red flags. This is my wish for you.
Te entiendo perfectamente, y sabes los psicólogos dicen que es normal y que si volvemos a pasar por lo mismo es parte de la vida y que simplemente se supera y ya, pero yo digo y perdón si estoy mal, pero como ellos no pasaron y vivieron eso es fácil decirlo, pero para quien a vivido el abuso no es fácil, yo el día de hoy no me niego a conocer a alguien pero tampoco lo estoy buscando como otras personas, y si te puedo decir que ya me doy cuenta de las banderas rojas, pero aún así siempre estoy alerta y más porque tengo hijas y con tantas cosas que hoy en día se ven, mejor de lejos.
Me too, I went from narcissistic parents to narcissistic husband, it was all so bad and sad. I don't trust myself any more. I am alone and getting used to it. I don't trust anyone. And I don't trust myself any more either. It's just me and my dog. My life is good and I do miss companionship. But I don't trust anybody. Nice to know I'm not alone. ❤
no one knows how destroying narcissistic abuse is until you experience it. people need to bevome aware and learn how to protect themselves starting a very young age. if i was a teacher i would teach the children about it.
It's a personal goal of mine & I utilize memes, videos & share stories on social media, daily to do so.
The worst part of being gaslighted is that you start to question your own sanity. It's really devious trap.
When I understood what gaslighting meant and my reality was questioned I thought of the gaslighter as probably start to develop dementia😮
Narcs get worse as they get older. Could you not have noticed before? Or he needs a brain scan ..good luck 🙏
That was brilliant. Portraying the subtle gaslighting is not easy. It is so hard going through this. People just don't understand unless they know it.
These people always act as if they know what's best for you “get some sleep, you're exhausted” while slowly stabbing you behind your back, no shit you're exhausted.
I've noticed that most narcissists will ask you ARE YOU ACCUSING ME OF..., which actually means they're guilty. Attempting to effectively communicate with them is like speaking to a 3 year old.
Vuelcan todo lo que son en ti, todo lo que los hicieron sentir de niños son lo que quieren que sientamos, y aún que cómo dice un psicólogo ellos no pidieron nacer así, y es triste, tampoco se debe de permitir o normalizar el abuso es abuso se mire desde donde se mire...
i went through a similar relationship for 14 years. I had no idea it was happening other than slowly feeling i was going insane. My self confidence went down to 0.... Its very sad. I hope this video helps someone.
oh gaslighting ... i lived that for more than 10 years!!!! when he starts by turning on the other side, then comes in the kitchen without saying Good morning (silent treatment) makes her feel guilty, then plays the sweetest by forgiving her, then doing nothing for helping in the house and when confronted puts the blame on her...
not answering phone calls, not telling you where they are going, giving you their time only when it serves them, telling you what to do and always telling you you are wrong and make you look crazy in front of others, not respecting boundaries, double standards, telling you that "you have a problem" , making you act in ways you would never do, telling you you have "anger problems" yes they make you angry all the time!!! but it's your fault!! being nice to you to then shame you again !!
oh I have been there, NO ONE should go thru this!!
Omg all of these I have experienced in my previous relationship. As much as I love him I had to learned the hard way to let him go. When I asked where he was gg, he said I’m a control freak. The giving you time only when it serves them is so damm true!! He is selfish with his time together with me unless it’s about him like his birthday. Tragic.
You have my full compassion and understanding! Feel huged, because mostly friends and others even do not believe you!
100%
I feel like gaslighting happens also within families, "friends" and at the workplace. It is that subtle, manipulative, disrespectful behavior towards you.
A girl can be perfectly happy and content until a man come into you life and make you doubt yourself and become unhappy, depressed. If you let it happen over and over again, it’s a very dangerous path
it's not just men. I know women and men who behave in this gaslighting way. It has taken me decades to recognise it and so it's weird seeing their behaviours depicted in videos. It can be a member of your immediate family - a spouse, a child (not of age but of parentage), a parent; basically, it can be any human being. The result is always the same: the destruction of another person or people. Thanks for the videos.
@@annerigby4400 I absolutely agree, important to recognize the signs and set boundaries or even disconnect with those toxic people!
I went through this for 17 years. I run away with my son who was 15 after divorce, he never wanted to see his child. Now it 8 years and we are happy. We had to leave the country in order to never meet him .
Inconsistency - one minute he is cold, next minute he is hot with his emotions
To everyone whos left a relationship like this congratulations. To everyone trying to leave may you find the strength and courage to do it . Life will be better afterwards 🎉 thank you for this video. !
Thank you! :)
Thank you for making this film to provide the encouragement to everyone who needs it
If your chasing someone and having to apologise all the time for nothing! Run and don't look back. Your sanity, mental health is more important.
Well said, I know what you mean.... my sister
It's like an emotional roller coaster that makes you so sad , lonely and isolated.
If someone makes you apologise for things you haven’t done - run!!
The abuser: creates a scenario
The victim: reacts to defend themselves
The abuser: blames the initial problem on the reaction of the victim to the provocation of the abuser
The victim: feels guilty for reacting
The abuser: feels self righteous
REPEAT REPEAT REPEAT Until the victim's self worth, self esteem and self respect is diminished to the point that they become a shell of their former self.
Repeat until the victim has nothing left to give, then brutally discard the victim whilst blame-shifting the breakup onto the victim so they continue to doubt their self worth and self esteem and leave them wondering what they did wrong.
Nailed it!
ha sounds like my bf
OMG! Thank you. I just had an epiphany!
Yep absolutely, the cycle will repeat repeat until you die inside, or leave and rebuild you, and the love you should have for you x
@elizabeth - leave him then.
Excellent capturing of the subtle way. Someone who has not experienced this type of abuse could easily be uncertain of who is the one with a problem. 🥲
You always ruin everything. If someone tells you that, pack your stuff and leave - safely.
Unless you tell your abuser that
You shouldn't talk to your abuser at all. You should leave quietly and safely. Most femicides are committed when she's trying to leave.
My mom said that to me all my childhood, blaming me for her problems with her psycho exhusband. I left home at 16 dropped out of highschool and struggled in my life beliving in myself and the choices I made
If mom is gaslighting rather than the boyfriend/husband is for sure harder .. she knows better out weak points. You made the right choice. Girl power!
!EC .. our weak points
It's the most liberating feeling the moment you recognize the bullshit. When you start fighting back and it drives them insane and you see how childish it really is, it's the scariest thing for a narcissist to go through, loosing control
It's heartbreaking when you see a loved one obviously being gaslighted but they don't recognise it themselves. By then their self esteem is at rock bottom and you have to fight to bring it back up. Some women find it very difficult to leave these insidious relationships especially when they have children.
Due to fear.
Run. As fast and as safely as you can. If something feels wrong, it is. Trust yourself.
Im with a narcissist person and just realized it today, with informative videos, i need to get out this relationship ASAP
Agreed!
I was with (engaged!) An emotionally abusive narcissist for 10 years. I left a little over 4 years ago. I know how horrific it is, the psychological trauma it causes. Get out NOW. I have PTSD from the experience, I sincerely hope that hasn't happened to you yet, and I'd suggest considering therapy or help of some sort after you leave. Hold your head up, you're not alone 💕💕
Doable
It is so hard to leave, but you can, best of luck!
Please get out as soon as possible
May God give you courage.
3 months no contact and I know the trauma bond is strong, because sometimes I miss him, though I do realize that what I miss is the "mask" he showed me at the beginning. I really miss someone who doesn't exist, it's just a projection of what he wants the world to think of him. The gaslighting is just awful, the constant undermining of your own reality and self-esteem, walking on eggshells, being scared of commenting, giving an advice, or just disagreeing with a person because of the reaction you could get. I mean, once, after we finished watching a movie, he argued that I didn't understand a scene, that my interpretation was "wrong", after 10 min of an absolutely useless discussion we went back to the scene only to realize I was actually right. Did I hear "I'm sorry"? Of course not, he tried even harder to prove his point (word salad etc) only for me to be so fed up that in the end I just said "whatever, fine, I don't care, MAYBE I'm wrong"...but at that point I had already "ruined" the evening. It's the little things...but you really don't see it when you're in it...
Very well said! Congrats to leaving him behind. And of course you miss the nicer sides of him, even when fake. After all, you are only human and it's only logical (; and yes it IS the little things. In Germany we say "The devil hides in the details."
@@QbitFilms Exactly! And thank you for your kind words ❤️ Sometimes I do have to remind myself that all the nasty things that happened were real and deliberate with no regret or will to change on his part whatsoever, no matter how much love or affection I showed him...
Exactly! Good thinking :) proud of you
Well said. It’s been 8 years for me- and I miss the man I created in my head. I hated myself in that relationship. I became someone who took the bait every time. I engaged in the most ridiculous arguments when I KNEW better. Walking away was the hardest thing I have ever done. I thought I was weak. I thought I had no friends. I thought people would be disappointed in me. But the longer I have been away, the more I realize I am strong, I have a huge support system, and I am proud of myself. Anyone questioning whether she should leave, take a deep breath and take one minute at a time. It’s so much better on the other side.
OMG Textbook behavior!
We come into this world alone and we go out alone. We need to enjoy the journey. If you are lucky enough to end up having good loving people around you will have a better journey than if you end up with a narcissist! We allow ourselves to follow this rule society has had that you are not enough if you don’t have someone attached to you! You are ENOUGH! With or without but you are better without a narcissist!
When you leave these people there's a weight that lifts.
Don't need to watch a horror flick when you got one of these!😒
You kidding!? Real life things like this is true horror! Animal abuse, child abuse, spouse abuse. All types of abuse! Ahhhhhhh! Its bs!
We
Wasted 8 years with a narcissist. It took some years to learn about narcissists. My confidence was eroded slowly over those years, until there wasn’t much left. He finally left when there was nothing left to use me for. He remarried straight away. I’m still picking up the pieces and having counselling
Believe me, you’re the better for it.
Yeah I agree with the comment. No one should live like that. I hope counseling has helped you and your stronger and wiser ❤️
14 years for me 9 of them married. We have to kids so he still tries to manipulate me through co-parenting them. Even though he left me for someone else it’s never enough for a narcissist to get a constant supply.
Same but mine has done stalking and afterviolence 10 years now and spended millions to keep control on me🤦♀️ they are so so sick things
Similar story. Left me with £25k of debts after 7 years and was engaged to someone else within 7 months- now travelling the world with his fiance whilst I scrabble around in the reduced section at the supermarket so I can eat
My husband was an intelligence officer in the military. Talk about God level gaslighting and lying. I am still having nightmares years after our divorce. I am in the uncomfortable position of not knowing the truth about almost everything and anything to do with our 30+ year relationship.
Same here.
It seems impossible to find someone with a similar experience and so long. It'd be so helpful and validating. Would you be interested in "comparing notes"?
@@patriciapark7287 sure. I don't have Facebook, tho
@sarahalbers5555 thanks, just now seeing your reply.
My ex's favorite line to me was, "NOT this shit again" This would happen whenever I brought an issue to his attention. I usually held it in for days and when I did say something he flipped it on me and made me think I was always over reacting. The damage is real. I still really do not know when my feelings are real or if I am imagining things. I am a professional and educated yet I still doubt myself all the time. So I finally broke it off for the third time. This is the real end. I am absolutely disgusted by the thought of seeing him or him touching me. I am thankful for that.
You most probably never imagined things, darling. Once you understand that, you will be fine :)
Mine was "I already told you! You never listen to me"
@@angy9320 Yep favorite line of manipulators 'listen to me' or 'you are not listening to me'.
In other words they want you to comply and not have an identity and opinion of your own.
They interrupt and will tell you to let them finish their sentences.
They are not listening but will turn it around, project their flaws on you.
If you EVER find yourself doubting yourself in relationship then THERE'S YOUR SIGN ☢️ to flee. Run. Far. Away.
When she threw the plate, oh god I felt that. I learned that it’s called reactive abuse. They push you to those reactions so they could seem like the “bigger person”.
oh yeah! bitches lol
Me too. I remember how many times I said, "I am not acting, I am reacting."
This is all new to me.. thanks for sharing, explains a lot
Any links on this topic you could share are much appreciated
BINGO
I recently learned about this after hitting my ex in the face and I swear for so long I hated myself and sometimes I still think of myself as maybe an abusive person (although my therapist tells me I’m not).. emotional abuse sucks so much and I hate it. It has made me so depressed.
Gaslighters disrespect you so much that you begin to disrespect yourself by not extricating yourself from the situation.
She looked so happy when she was home alone.
yep, peace and tranquility are impossible around certain people, it's like trying to breath under water.
@@QbitFilms I remember being at a restaurant with my ex and overheard this young woman gushing about a film she’d seen or something and her boyfriend was snarking out all these dismissive, unnecessary comments, and her smile just got smaller and smaller and smaller. Still haunts me. Who does that, just sucks the smile off of someone’s face?
Narcissists can't feel big if the ones around them aren't small - so they put others down - probably learnt behaviour from home. Self-reflection would help but then again empathy is missing as a driving force for introspection...
@@QbitFilms And see, to me, the ability to make people feel calm and happy is the superpower. I just don’t get it. Y’all narcissists don’t know what real power is.
I understand the dynamic, don’t misunderstand me, it’s just... narcissism is a condition that is based on so many fat freaking societal lies. On top of the natural revulsion I see at a woman deflating like that, it’s dispiriting to see some graceless chump buying into a miserable, emotionally destitute life.
Amen, I was with a seaman. When he left for sea I could BREATHE. I felt guilty for being happy when he left. He also spottet it near the end "why does it feel like you are so happy last day when I am on land?" I have always been a crappy lier so I said I just needed a bit of breathing space and that "every couple is like that, its not healthy to be with each other all the time". Who was I kidding? The life was about HIM when he was on land, he even got jealous of my daughter. "What are you always giggling about?" And "you don't need to read for her EVERY night!" So pathetic. Good riddance! Happy and free now :D
This was difficult to watch, I've been there, several times. Thankfully I woke up and learned about narcissism and recognized the patterns in my life. I'm free now, but very sad about the years of pain and suffering, being abused, thinking it was all my fault. People like this will slowly dismantle your soul until you are nothing but a crazy, empty shell. It's just who they are, broken and incapable of love or empathy, some are worse than others, but there's no hope, leave while you still can. A relationship like this is a living hell.
I'm in one right now...in the process of leaving. This was surreal to watch. It finally made sense to me and also why it's so difficult to communicate to others what's happening and the most people never see what's really going on behind the scenes so they don't really believe it's happening.
@@kaiatribe Been there. You won't believe the change in your life once you are free and you will slowly feel yourself again but it will take time to rewire your brain and allow yourself to be happy and not feel as though you will be punished for it
Thank you for this film! There is still this conviction that women are hysterical (perfect argument for abusers!) and that the household management is their job, like some lesser life form. Once I had a discussion with my colleagues at work, one of them (m) was telling a story about his former neighbour (f), victim of domestic abuse, and what stuck me - he said it was her own fault for having chosen a husband like that. No empathy, no police calling, no offer of help, only victim blaming. And yet, we live in the 21th century, in Europe...
I wish I could say it was better in the US.
Turning to the other side and not touching you, getting up and making their own coffee and saying they didn’t think you would want one even though you always have one, staying deadly calm when they’ve upset you so they appear to be the sane ones. Being nice just to get what they want out of you (sex) to start being cold again as soon as it’s over. Blaming you for everything. Constantly calling when they want you and accusing you of cheating, ignoring the phone when you ring them. Lying about EVERYTHING.
Little details that hide lots of meanings. Don't feel overwhelmed u have been passed through it. Now u know a lot and trust me, it will lead u soon or later to the right guy
Every part of this, wow. The appear-to-be-the-sane-one part…my ex said he was being stoic, and I was the one that was letting my emotions get the best of me…because I lashed out ONCE and told him I’d punch him in the face if he brought another woman into our house. Absolute madness, and I’m still recovering and healing after almost 2 years.
I think we were with the same man.
I could have written exactly this. I still question whether it was just me overreacting. Could I just not have been grateful with what I had.
you should have punched him lol well only half-serious obvs ;) g I just realize your name is smashley :D well, anyway!
That was ny husband 😢. Trust me, it only gets worse as the couple ages. I didn't realize all the games that were played until just recently. He passed away 9 years ago. I am still healing. Deep wounds take a long time and therapy.
I know exactly what you mean. Even years after I broke up with my ex, I still sometimes realize in what ways he lied to me to manipulate. Comes almost out of nowhere. Always makes me feel icky deep inside for a while. You're not alone in this. I wish you all the best ❤️
10 years to find out I slept with an educated actor.. sleeping next to a stranger you thought you knew but never did... ❤
I feel this everyday ❤
A ten yr Game
“You always ruin everything.” Ugh that one got me.
WOW! Every woman should see this...these relationships take pieces of your spirit. My God, this is so relatable. Thank you for writing this Tina.
If you think women don't gaslight, you're in for a big surprise.
Women can be narcissists also
My narc mother gaslit me so much that now I have a tendency to over explain my feelings and perceptions because Im used to the other person invalidating them or not getting what I’m saying (on purpose). Then I married a narc who would say “not again” whenever I brought up any issue, telling me “you just love to fight, that’s what you’re used to for growing up with your family”
omg same, except I didn't marry. it's a shame really how childhood trauma is used against you. those people really don't shy away from anything. a defining moment for me was when my crazy ex twisted something my very dear cousin had said. I trust my cousin, always have, so I knew it was just vile bs. this is when I knew he isn't a friend.
@@QbitFilms seriously... nothing is off limits..actually the more offensive the better then sit back and delight in your reaction. Doesn’t even matter if it’s a completely transparent lie they just keep on going despite the utter ridiculousness. Its pathetic yet still infuriating
6months with a narcissistic husband. Got divorced quickly. Thanks to my dad. I was allowing him to hurt me. But my father was sure he would never allow anyone to hurt his daughter. Be it physically or mentally. I was lucky i had most amazing parents in the world. Otherwise i wasn't bold enough or smart enough to figure out what i was going through is mental abuse and gaslighting.
My boyfriend at the time made a massive drama at his best friend's birthday, everyone told him to leave, I chased after, him he goes to me I knew you're going to come to me like I'm a f****** puppy and he's my owner. I told him no you just have my phone, can I have it back then I walked back to the party😂😂
Provoke you to anger. Now youre the problem. 😢
When you didn't do anything wrong but ended up apologizing and saying sorry, it means you are with narcissist. You must leave that person immediately! The longer you stay with them, the miserable your self and life will be.
I had a relationship like this only my partner was cheating on me THE WHOLE TIME we lived together. Sex and porn addict on top of it. I'd find clues EVERYWHERE and I'd hear back, "You're always stirring up trouble! You're addicted to DRAMA!" and all the time they were lying, cheating, deceiving. OMG I ask myself so many times WHY DID I STAY??? My dear fellow human beings, we stay because we weren't adequately loved as children. We are trying to convince someone we are worthy of love. That we are worth something. We won't get it from a narcissistic gaslighter. Walk the hot coals of solo living for a while. Work through the loneliness and build up your own self esteem before you let someone take what little you have away from you. Be strong! Love yourself.
Thank you for those strong words! So very true that they will never make us feel worthy of love, nor give us some kind of excuse or acknowledgement for the loss of self esteem. Children with narcissistic parents will never heal.
You can always heal, when you have narc parents, you actually have to. Or become like them.
When you are happy, narc hates you....
If I was too happy, he’d attack me to bring me down. If I was quiet or down, he’d blame me for bringing him down. Despicable hungry ghosts.
The first movie which actually perfectly captures what gaslighting is: one of the most immoral form of abuse there is.
Literally cried when she was happy to see him in the morning. I’ve been here and felt totally crushed like I was nothing. God this hurt. Going to keep watching.
This relationship is exhausting I felt drained watching them go back n forth 😭
I know what you mean and that is exactly what it's like to be with a gaslighter. The back and forth is really the up and down of the clarity and personal power she has, the level of boundaries and truth that goes up and down - if that makes sense?
In the film, he first makes her feel guilty over nothing (classy), then shuts down her attempt to have a conversation about household chores, again by guilt-shaming her, then stands her up and practically cheats on her, then love bombing again (cuddling a lot and pretending everything is normal and alright). Soon again a stupid power game, him not wanting to "disrespect" his (male) friend while completely disrespecting her, almost treating her like a dog or a child. She finally has enough and for the first time says "No!". then she has a nice afternoon for herself at home, gains some strength, even gets a healthy attitude, setting some boundaries etc. and he seems to be alright with it (on the phone) but only because he is not alone. once he can speak freely, he bitches at her again, trying to make her think reasonable criticism from her side is nothing but "nagging" and "drama" etc. (classy). well, she still has enough and just hangs up and ignores him when he comes home. see how stronger she grew - and so he brings out the big guns, launching a strong gaslighting campaign, insisting on explaining something so ludicrous to her, it is an insult in itself, on top of that some very personal and unfair insults and he has her where he needs her, small and crying. anyway, she comes back and his demeaning tone makes her snap, the level of disrespect is practically unbearable at this point, but that again plays in his favour cause now he can finally portray her as crazy. he made her that angry but in the sick mind of a gaslighter that is not his fault (cause nothing ever is). so she goes for a walk, feeling awful, wondering why he is so awful to her and when she comes back home, he completes what is called a double-whammy: first you anger someone a lot or in any way make them react very emotionally (they know where your buttons are and are not afraid to use them) and then they guilt-shame you over the reaction. it is so harsh to even just be confronted with the first part, but then being told your reaction is one another fault of yours, is too much - tik tok you dead, they won (often). in the film, he agitates her over days and then on the sofa scene at the end, last strike: he confronts her with a strong lie (like "you have anger problems") WHAM another hit after all the shit that happened the days before, it's hard to defend yourself against a lie in the first place. then on top of that he projects, which means he projects his guilt onto her, asking *her* "Why do you do that?" -> that's diverting and distracting from himself. also he uses an actually healthy rule in a relationship (to not get angry over things in the past) and uses it in order to forbid her to talk about past abuse (very classy as well). and then he says "why dont you rest for tonight, you look tired" - in one sentence he made her feel bad (you look like shit) and sent her away, having the power in his hands again. BUT she isn't stupid and talks to her sister about the trip to the masseuse - understands the dynamics of abuse (as in not having even time to gasp, let alone defend yourself, as the attacks are so frequent and draining) and when he again wants to manipulate her into thinking she is always the problem, this time threatening with breaking up (again: classy and also strong projection, he'd rather make her feel bad then losing power and grip over her). well then she finally has it and cuts the toxic cord by throwing him off the bridge. and no, she didn't kill him, she just pushed him out of her life. so it's not just people fighting, it's a whole campaign with the goal to gain power over someone else and destroy their sense of self, truth and clarity (mentally, emotionally and spiritually).
@@QbitFilms I'm a Supporter of Johnny Depp, and if we reverse the sexes, this is how he has been violated, abused, and tortured physically/mentally by his ex-wife, Amber Heard ‼️ T x
well I don't know what happened there, being super wasted as a guy might not be very safe to be around but also yeah sure, also women can be gaslighters, absolutely.
This was exactly what I needed to see right now. The first scene with the pulling away in bed and waking up and not saying hi... I was shaking immediately. It’s dead on to my life right now. Thank you for making this.
Omg me too!!! Always withholding intimacy
You've got this! Choose you!
Me too ❤️
This is the most accurate emotional abuse short film I've seen (to my situation atleast) They make you feel like you're the crazy one and that you're always doing things wrong. They'll apologize and make it seem genuine but it's not actually and then you end up apologizing too because you feel bad. Eventually you start losing your cool and stand up for yourself and you end up apologizing for your reaction but you don't even know why you did what you did or said what you said. You get so angry at them and you just want to be left alone but they won't leave you alone they'll keep going on and on about what you did wrong. Eventually you feel like you're the problem because everything they do is so subtle. They're always so calm even when they're not they calm down and you're stood yelling at them or something but you don't even know why because you just wanted to talk it out. The end where they talk about the fact that you don't even have energy to say anything and then when you do you feel like there's no point now was such an amazing metaphor. Literally well fucking done.
Thank you! :) and sorry you had to go through this. It is insidious really.
I’d like to add that it’s often thought this only happens in romantic relationships. Speaking from personal experience, it’s also common with siblings, offspring, other family members and friends.
Be aware, abusers come in many forms.
couldn't agree more
And often at work because of the power bosses are afforded!
I love the strength and self awareness of this woman
The true meaning of Gaslighting: DISRESPECTFULL. When your partner truly loves you, he will never disrespect you. He or she is immature, selfish and ungrateful. There is no such thing as falling out of love. If your partner makes you feel like they can't stand you, then it was never true love, just lust. The crazy thing is the words hurt more than the blows. Don't starve your heart for true love and affection. Somewhere in this big world someone would give anything to love and be loved but you won't find it if you stick around hoping to change your partner because that will never happen. No matter how much you love someone if they don't want to be with you; they will disrespect you. Hold your head up high, wipe away your tears and go seek the love you truly deserve.
Amen.
Narcissists will fault you for waking them. Narcissists will fault you for NOT waking them! To a Narcissist you are there to be a punching bag, someone to blame.
I went to a doctor once. She needed to do a procedure. It was very painful. I kept asking for short breaks between her lancing but she ignored me totally. I wound up screaming and crying like a baby. All I needed was a few seconds. I never returned after the follow up visit.
She lacked empathy.
I’ve come to realize people can only love you as much as they love themselves.These type of people truly hate themselves.
Interesting theory. I am inclined to agree. However, it is a *decision* to be abusive - every single day, every.single.time. I'm not saying they can help the way they are, but they *decide* to involve a victim. This is very important to mention. There are so many people, often women, out there, who think "If I just love him hard enough, he will turn into a nice person" but that will never happen. And because they switch between abusive and not abusive, this naive hope never dies. SPs/Narcs are actually brain damaged (see different brain scans). They will never heal and therapy just teaches them how to not get into trouble. In a way it's like in the vampire stories. You grow up with energy suckers (narcs) and you are never good enough for them. As a child you therefore learn that if a relationship isn't great, it's your fault, and only you can fix it/them. Trust me, this is not how narcs feel - quite the opposite. For them, it's always the other person's fault. So you either turn into a vampire yourself because you *decide* that is more comfortable for you. Or you *decide* to become a Renfield, someone who goes through life endlessly trying to fix others and letting future partners deplete them like their parents did. At times, two Draculas form a marriage and sometimes maybe even two Renfields. But often, it's one of each. Renfields can, over time, develop boundaries and, for once, apply their fixing energy onto themselves. Having all of your energy for yourself, of course, feels amazing then. Just like in the myth, a Renfield can be healed. But once a vampire... that's it, no going back until you "meet your maker" lol True Blood reference. Maybe the vampires can't help but find victims, but that is their problem. Perhaps they can only truly heal if they just can't live off other ppl's energy - if they are forced to find other ways. So if you love them, don't be their supply - it's a shortcut for them that is just enabling them. Normal ppl heal through the love of others, narcs just leech - and it's a bottomless pit.
Wow! You’ve really captured it! This is the first one I’ve seen where the victim is actually feisty and not completely meek. Sometimes a victim will be pushed so far that they will begin to stick up for themselves. Also, the reactive abuse is accurate. And the reaction of the abuser is also accurate. Very powerful film.
Thank you!
There is the toxic partner but there are families like this. That is how it starts. There is always the honeymoon period in any relationship and then it starts. If you can’t be friends no point in staying lovers.
Like ballet on eggshells, without breaking Any! Been there done that. Now, here, I am OUT!More than surviving, now I am thriving! Pray the Best for those in the hellish existence with Narcissistic personality disordered people, it’s sheer Misery. Know Nothing will Ever be enough, until….. You’ve had enough!
gas lighting is the worst form of abuse by a Narcissist,.its abuse at its worse trying to make you feel guilty for something or a situation the abuser created
Are they only narcissistic who gaslight? He made me feel guilty constantly of the situation he created himself, your sentence is really right for what I lived
After almost 30yrs of this, i finally broke free a year ago. Im on medication for depression and social anxiety now, have great support and slowly healing. I've never felt so free, it's amazing. Good luck to those of you who are going through the same, you can and will get through it and emerge a better, happier, independent stronger person ❤️
30 years wow I’m at 18 years right now and your comment definitely gives me hope
Hope won't make you happy. Courage will :)
Honestly.. The only antidote to this is to love yourself. To love yourself this much instead of them. This type of s- will drive you mad.
If you love God first then you'll reach the highest level of loving yourself and self-respect/dignity.
Anything to start a fight.Then fake apology, then guilt, then you take blame. Wow just wow.
That was my life to a T when I was with the narc. Now I'm happy and free and it feels so good! I love myself now! Thanks for the film ❤️✨
Good! my pleasure, dear :)
I have never married or had children. I havent even dated in about 12 years. This might be due to the fact that i was raped in 2003. I am very content being single. Watching this film made me feel trapped and like i was being smothered. It made me want to RUN. I felt relief when it was over. Being raped doesn't end emotionally and i still get triggered. I feel sorry for anyone who identifies with this film.😑🖤
yep that's what a tight psychological grip by a manipulator feels like - like you are caged within your own mind and emotions. sorry to hear about your story. I wish you all the best
Kim, I am very sorry for what happened to you. As a survivor of something similar myself and a therapist, I hope you would consider trying trauma therapy, like EMDR. There is power and liberation in getting good support, relief on the intensity and burden of painful thoughts and feelings, and having more energy and headspace to live your life the way you choose, with more peace, before you were interrupted. You deserve to be happy. Much peace to you.
Gotta love how they are loud obnoxious getting into bed. But heaven forbid you touch them or move in bed accidentally waking them; gotta love recording or picture or back in texts to prove you're not lying or crazy. Then when you've had it react they crazy make. Or they take their sweet time to leave, while you're getting everything ready then have the nerve to rush you.
YES!!!!!! This is my now ex-partner to a T..!!!
Wow my ex did this too!! Such horrible people. We need to teach our kids to be confident and happy being single to the point that they will be quick to notice red flags and leaves these people alone. Such miserable beings
This hits different when you’ve lived it. Well done.
Only this year am I starting to understand that what happened to me was gaslighting
To any survivors of this insidious psychological torture... Please know how beautiful you are. How valuable and worthy you are. How you never deserved this kind of inferior mistreatment.
It's a slow drip of wearing on ur self esteem and it's a reflection of THEM. THEIR LACK. THEIR SELF HATRED.
My love care and understanding is with you.
Love,
A survivor of a psychopath Machiavellian and live to teach the education to levels of law enforcement, judiciary, resource centers, counselors, psychologists... And eventually get the Senate to pass better laws to protect n help victims but also PROSECUTE these criminals.
Narcissistic Abuse is not normal abuse. Its the total evisceration of the targeted victim.
We lose everything. Literally everything including our minds children assets self trust self worth and our identity.
I left a comment about my bad relationship and how walking away is better than staying. Being used and abused in a relationship can happen slowly and nearly in a way you can't see it happening for some reason. Then it becomes so bad that getting away seems impossible. Waking up to reality is hard when you've been undermined to believe you're the problem. I finally woke up to truth and got away and emotionally grew stronger and finally found the best relationship of my life. The emotions of what we believe is love can sway us from truth and even make us lost and dependent on someone who is actually abusing us. We live and learn how life isn't a smooth dream.
My friend was gaslighted for over thirty years until she finally took control. She shot herself last week. Now her husband is paying for it in many ways. Their kids have disowned him now.
Oh my gosh.. so it got the best of her and she's gone now? I'm very sorry for your loss, her own loss of herself, and her kids' loss
OMG!! I'm so sorry to hear this.. I almost allowed my ex to make me harm myself.. I'm Blessed that I didn't give into his evil ways!!
Oh my god you stopped me In my tracks. Just going through this at work with my colleagues my heart goes out to you .😊
This happened to me, my MANAGER MANIPULATED AND LIED TO ME, to the point where you don’t have the STRENGTH TO DEFEND YOURSELF FROM YOUR ABUSER OR A TOTAL STRANGER USING OR ABUSING YOU. IT TAKES A LONG TIME TO HEAL. Be kind to yourself, this is SPIRITUAL WARFARE.❤❤❤
It sucks when others dont realize you are in this type of serious relationship and how damaged you are when you finally get away and family or whatever dont even have a clue and just think you enjoy messing up your life on your own ....
Just going through that now. I’m 72 and have been with that narc for 34. Finally realized what was happening. My daughter does not believe me and has thrown me over for a relationship with him.
My narcissistic father, who allowed me to be horrifically abused growing up, always tried to act like the way I turned out had nothing to do with him. It had everything to do with him. I didn’t know what a normal person was like because everyone around me was so disordered that eventually I got to the point where I acted like a disordered human being just to fit in with the crazy people! And that’s when they labeled me crazy and I finally knew I was just playing a game with a bunch of people who are so sick, demented, distorted and absurd they wouldn’t even tell me if I did “win.” They don’t even know what the rules are. They change them when it suits their fancy. 😂
It is no measure of one’s health to fit into a profoundly sick society.