5 PHRASES narcissists use to MANIPULATE you
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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When you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you can’t tell if you’re their partner or their babysitter.
She became MY babysitter. I was kept inside a little box. My phone, email, browser and friends were all regulated and watched over. When going out, I had to basically stare at the floor or be accused of looking inappropriately at women.
Of course, calling YOU a child, stupid, unwanted ,as not serious enough("burn your diploma"- X was jealous of it)
But ! Like me, You can pay all bills, buy all food, lend thousands $/€ to them, never get back anything, cook, wash, dishwash...and still, being called a child, when pointing at, they do not a single thing.😂 This is called "projection". You are the mom, and they act like You are childish
It was flip a coin some days 😅
@@anettszabo108 so true
I felt like his mommy ! I told him I’m not your mother
Narcissist will never apologize.
Some narcissistic don’t even said the word Sorry
My mum. I have never heard her utter the word.
My nmom would say " that's too bad that you feel that way".
If she ever uttered the word sorry for blatant bad behavior that she couldn't deny or excuse she would say " I'm sorry I can't help it, I'm sick" (she found a shrink that diagnosed her as bipolar & conveniently fired all the others that diagnosed her with a personality disorder)
Its so uncanny how all narcs think and act the same way. As if they all did a course.." how to be a narc "
😂
...and they still think they're so original.
Hive mind. So unauthentic.
😂
The human mind is so perplexing. These behaviors shouldn't be so universal. How are these sets of symptoms a common reaction?
Narcissists cannot be reasoned with. They live in their own world where they think that they’re gods who can never go wrong. They expect everyone to be a part of their reality where everyone has to agree with them on everything. It’s like nobody is allowed to have an opinion on anything in their own little imaginary world.
So true. My dtr says I undermine her or give her “pushback “ if I have a different opinion. I told her “I’m not a robot. I think the narcissists are the ones who would be happiest with programmable AI robots!😊
Another thing I have noticed is how they willfuly try to pull all others down into the mud with them.
Exactly! I had to go no contact to save my mental and physical health.
Exactly! And when brought to their attention, they are likely to blow it all off by saying you are just jealous of them🤣 They are unable to self reflect, make changes to become a better person when necessary and move forward. They double down on having to be ‘right’. I always say , fine then you can be right all you want without me in your life😂 I even had a really crazy narc tell me, ‘Oh, I think YOU can change and be the kind of person I need for you to be’ Lol! I told her , ‘Nah! You are perfect and deserve to only be around perfect people! Im not perfect and will never be. I am totally incapable of being who YOU need me to be. Good luck! Bye Bye!’😂Sometimes, it is easier to get rid of a narc by simply ‘outcrazying’ them. It baffles and confuses them and makes them want to go away😂
Perfectly stated!!
They will always find some way to undermine you, to get you to behave how they want. Everything a narcissist does is manipulative.
How many „Narcissists“ are there? I mean it sounds like those people are evil and now we have a definition for evil, right? How would I know that I am not the self delusional narcissist?
@@spamnirwanaone question are you afraid of not being empathetic?
@@daykibaran9668Great question. Many narcs will claim to care, but their actions speak louder towards the opposite. Sometimes I struggle with empathy because I’m burnt out and need to focus on myself for a bit, but a true narc will do things knowing that they know will harm others, so long as they get what they want.
@@jm2307most narcissists would say why should I worry about not being empathetic I’m always empathetic, while in the meantime people who are afraid not being empathetic are the people who are the most empathetic
As long as we give them input... you will improve/refine your manipulations... you will know exactly which buttons you need to press.
My sister’s version of “Nobody’s perfect” is “I’m a work in progress”. I’m over here wondering where the progress is.
Good one 😂😂
My sister’s is God knows my heart. I’m like yes he certainly does. Idk why she feels so comfortable making that statement. It would frighten the daylights out of me if I were her.
My narcissistic older sister once amazed me by offering to apologise (because I'd informed her that we would not continue any connection without it). She then stipulated, "But I need to know what you want me to apologise for, and not some long laundry list of grievances." I tried to gently consolidate her many acts of rudeness over the decades as: her consistent pattern of condescending, humiliating, mocking, demeaning, and harshly judgemental attitude and behaviours toward me (I didn't mention the pervasive gaslighting). Her "apology" was, "Well, I'm sorry if I came across that way. I don't know how I'm supposed to apologise if you won't give me anything specific." This was the best she's ever offered. She then quickly demanded an apology from me for every time I argued with her (aka defiance against her mistreatment of me). I don't talk to her anymore.
I relate to your situation and know the pain. I, too, have an older sister who is similar and is now infiltrating my adult kids. A life-long challenge. We've had years of not talking, and then something comes, which seems to be cause to talk: wedding, death in family, etc. She is grandiose with a pocket full of money and tends to have parties that the fam wants to go to in order to see each other. So hurtful. I moved across the country, do not use any social media she is on, and still hear of her shenanigans. I am focusing on caring for ME--at least pushing myself to. May you be at peace with your decision.
Yeah, once my sister apologized to me -"I'm sorry you feel that way." Then she demanded that I apologize to her. When asked what I was to apologize for, she had a laundry list of things that I had not done - calling her names, putting her down, etc. These were things she had done to me, but I did not do to her. So, I asked her for examples. Being unable to come up with any, she stomped away in a narcissistic rage.
My husband used to tell me: you're too sensitive, you need to grow up, talk to me when you grow up, you're such a cry baby... (edit: future ex husband)
I've never heard a narcissist say sorry😮
The statement of "I'm sorry that you feel that way" is a cowardly cop-out to taking responsibility for hurting someone.
Every time someone has said this to me, it helped me realize how little that person actually cares about me. How much my presence in their lives was meant to serve a purpose for them rather than to share mutual respect, appreciation or value for each other.
i was taught for years to say this as a way to acknowledge what someone is saying in an argument.... in therapy as part of communication skills. i'm confused. then i was supposed to tell them what i meant.
@@lessarey - I hear ya. It seems a good thing to say when genuinely caring, when attempting to hear someone out, especially when what they are saying doesn't make sense or maybe you don't agree with them. Beware, though, of individuals who are manipulating you and actually don't care about you / your feelings. It's more about discerning persons, not discarding the phrase altogether. My 2 Cents.
@@jm2307 - That last part deeply resonates with me. Past friendships have ended, because there wasn't mutual respect and appreciation. I wasn't demanding they worship me and my ways, but to acknowledge that I was respecting them and their boundaries, so why were they whining or begrudging me for my boundaries? It's as if they didn't own their limits and rules, but criticized me for mine. ( It's not like I'm obsessed with rules, but some sense of common courtesy. ) Deeply one-sided, lacking self-awareness and fairness, which added up to fundamental disrespect. They didn't care, they wanted to preserve their image, their value, over mine. That hurt.
I think what Dr R didn’t touch on, but which is actually another key component in the use of these phrases is TONE. If these statements are spoken in a mocking or aggressive or sarcastic or condescending tone, they can have a completely different meaning to when they’re said in an empathic or gentle or apologetic manner… and while I agree that these phrases are not ideal tools for clear & honest communication, I still think that it’s the way they’re thrown out - and the context in which they’re used - that adds to their impact & whether they’re being used in a harmful or damaging way.
1/ The Cycle Of Idealization Devaluation &Discard
2/ Gaslighting ⛽️
3/ Smear Campaign /Turning Others Against You.
4/ Trying To Make You Jealous
5/. Hiding Their True Self!
00:24 - I'm sorry you feel that way
09:46 - Grow Up
17:38 - You're being too sensitive
21:31 - No one is going to believe you
29:48 - Nobody's Perfect
You da real mvp
I have heard, “I’m sorry you feel that way. “Grow up.”, and “Nobody’s perfect.” Or another one, “Get off your high horse.” 😂
Oh yes and my ex would say “What do you WANT?” And I’d tell him and he’d still refuse to do it. It was a never-end cycle of him getting his way, staying out late at night and not doing a damn thing to fix the relationship.
“I don’t want to threaten you but nobody is going to over-ride what I say”
"You're not so easy to get along with yourself either" is one that comes to my mind.
Right or…”ur not perfect either”. Did I say I was…
Yeah, you're right, I'll try that one. I think sometimes when you hear things from when you're very young it's hard to find a new response, especially if it comes from the same people.@@sherinenashef2538
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is such a cliché non-apology it doesn’t fool anyone. It’s bewildering that manipulative people still use it.
😭😭😭
I was taught to use that phrase to disarm a verbal attack. I'm not apologizing because I did no wrong but it does throw the abuser off long enough to disengage. Hopefully. They hear the first two words and settle down. But I manage to keep a tiny shred of dignity. 😕
ironically if someone is taking a totally preposterous gaslighting position then it would be an appropriate response to someone telling you the sky is green.
Narcs have little to no emotional depth, so they will never catch on to the fact that this phrase is a big red flag to emotionally sound people. I guess that is a blessing because it lets the rest of us know what we are dealing with.
@@debrabeghtol4332 I agree with you.
When i talk to my husband about his behaviour he tells me im asking for someone perfect and i will not find better than him
My ex had a perfect mask in public. He fooled counselors who believed his personality, not realizing the monster underneath that he kept hidden so well. But, his eyes, once he got it built up to attack me, would go black, and once he struck, after a few minutes, the switch flipped, and he would tell me I "overreacted" etc etc ...and no one believed me. I was alone and finally that was enough for me.
Demonic possession is the black eyes hunny. I've seen it in my situation. That mask, I see that too!! My narcissist is a fun, kind, loving, funny, compassionate man to everyone but me. I thank God everyday for his protection while I live her with him until my new apartment is ready
Oh yes, my stbxn eyes turned black on me. I’ve never been so scared when that happened. I finally saw the mask come completely off. Stripped down to their soul. I saw a black void with anger swirling around it like barbed wire. That’s it, that’s all there is to them. I couldn’t even hear what he was yelling because I was scared down to my core. I’m so sorry no one believed you. We do. I realized it doesn’t matter what other people think about him, I know the truth and that’s enough. I’m glad you got out.
@@Jesusfollower239 Good for you realizing the demon behind this Personality Type (is not a disorder) and as evidenced by the comments here is that it runs in families, not by genetics, but spiritually.
My Narc is horrible around me. However, when in public, he acts charming and others like him. No one believes me about his Temper Tantrums, gaslighting, and much more. When we are alone, his "mask" falls off, and he acts cruel again to me. I have put up with this man for 10 years because he pays me well to be his caregiver, He is very sick mentally and physically. I don't let his bad behavior get to me. At least he pays me money to put up with him.
Add..." I thought I was doing the right thing" is one I still get often..
As they do the OPPOSITE of the" right thing"
My sister had said to me ‘I’m sorry you feel that way.’
I told her ‘No, you’re sorry that I’m calling you out on your bad behavior and that’s a poor apology.’
I enjoyed the video, and learning how to deal with my narcissistic sister-I call her out every time and she-hates it, but it needs to be done-I won’t allow her to silence me, nor get away with her bad behavior.
This is awesome 🦅✨💪🏻😂
My sister is covert narc, she says this to me too, so frustrating
Love this! Call ‘‘em out 2024!
Safely ofc
Same.
My older mother says, 'Im sorry you interpreted that way'. So not only is she dismissing her snooping, lies, and such; but then does a passive aggressive condescending dig at my intelligence and sanity. It wears me down.
@@Silence_between_waves Brilliant!!! OMG, I learned my 'retorts' from Richard Pryor😁🤣 and that is an awesome answer to my daily dose of gaslighting.
Kinda frustrating since she is in my home, with my wife and son, yet gaslights nearly 3 out of 4 interactions🤔🙄🤢🤮😁
When I've spoken up and said I feel I've not been treated fairly, I've been told repeatedly: "I don't need this from you. I have enough problems in my life right now." This answer in various ways over and over. The light has finally turned on for me. 💡
Yes, yes, YES! The narcs in my life absolutely love to use that one!
Wow. Translation: you and your feelings don't matter to me whatsoever.
I got that reply last Friday 😣 so now I feel terrible for making him miserable, because I initiated trying to understand his actions that hurt me.
So why do you feel terrible for making him miserable? He decides how he will respond. You decide how you will respond.@@ingridwrites
@@cynthiawhite1122you are right. My business is my emotions etc. His response is his business.
My mow ex husband told me my standards were too high when I took him to task for his misbehaviors. Apparently he wanted me to accept his chronic lying and bad financial decisions that he used as an excuse to dump full responsibility for bills onto me.
My ex husband used to charge food using credit cards, had no financial responsibility whatsoever. He insisted on renting for YEARS even when he was making a substantial income! When I suggested BUYING a home, completely dismissed... what a fiasco.
Rebuilding my life now, including finances 😮on my own.
My attitude is a result of the narcissist's actions. If the narcissist doesn't like my attitude. They should blame themselves, but they won't.
True !
👍
I just got out of a toxic relationship with a guy two days ago. I started using that phrase “I’m sorry you feel that way” with him when he was throwing another tantrum, which happened about every 4 to 5 days. I was trying to make the relationship work. But 6 weeks was long enough.
I see now I might have used better language.
He told me in that last conversation that he purposefully started every single fight in order to “test” me and that I had “failed”.
In the end I’m glad that I didn’t ever stoop to his level.
Test you for what? Tolerance for his infantile behavior? Glad you got out.
@@lynnebucher6537 🤣 apparently!
Thanks for the encouragement! 🥰
A test to see how far he could abuse you and have you to stay and take it.
Anyone who plays these emotional testing games is emotionally immature, toxic and/or abusive. There is no need for ‘tests’. If they cannot be direct in expressing their needs or are at least are working on their ability to effectively communicate, they may have underlying issues that could be harmful to anyone who is trying to have a relationship with them.
Yup it’s called test, groom, test, groom, test…
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
Ugh.
This is abuse in the cloak of an apology.
I had a narc sister in law scream at me to ‘grow up’ at a family dinner because I keep healthy boundaries around her and don’t engage in the drama. Can’t win no matter what I do . Seeing truths and prioritizing my wellbeing and safety. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
"Well life's not fair," I've heard too many times. While true, it shouldn't be true within a family. Family should be going out of their way to try to make things fair for all members.
Being told that life's too short to "hark back and rake over" when trying to tell the person why they hurt you during an incident only months before. And "it's family life!"
“I can’t help the way you feel” after I risked telling a loved one how I felt after being mistreated by them.
One of mine was laughing about an awful thing they'd said to a family member. I said you've done that to me as well. They said, sorry just let me know next time. Next time arrived and was met with contempt disdain huffing and puffing! Now I don't get it right all the time but the dismissive Ness of their repose cut deep. It's one rule for them and another for us. They're quick to be martyrs then wonder why you stop bothering to share anything.
My (elderly) mom recently said to me “You have no compassion”. Which is entirely untrue. She was merely unhappy with a choice I had made which temporarily affected my brother and his plans. It was at this point, after years of belittling comments, I finally told her calmly yet assertively she does not get to use demeaning and diminishing language on me. Took her completely by surprise and she walked away, has been respectful since. Thus far. I refuse to be the family scapegoat any longer. Unacceptable. Take care everyone and stay safe.
My narcissistic friend added to the sentence «sorry you feel this way - have you talked to your shrink about why you are angry?” After I had stated my logic, well documented arguments.
They never want to be accountable and make everyone around them accountable so they don't have to deal with the difficult stuff. Makes life easier for them.
As an empath, that phrase has never been part of my vocabulary.
It is meant to dismiss, nullify, and divert the offended party, and I've always seen it exactly for what it is: a blow-off.
My response to this phrase is presentation of facts: "You did indeed say....., I did not imagine it,
and that is not an apology."
Ball now in their court.
Non-narcs will generally get real and truly understand and sincerely apologize.
Narcs will deny, accelerate the argument, and show themselves.
It's actually an excellent indicator of what we're dealing with.
Very well said!! Thank you!😊
Same here.
Oh, boy. Do these sound familiar.
I had a miscarriage last year and my dad said absolutely nothing about it because he has the emotional intelligence of a toddler and is more concerned with the idea of being a grandpa making him "old." So, when I confronted him about how I felt like he was completely ignoring the worst thing that's ever happened to me, he literally responded with "I'm sorry you feel that way."
He also has framed the "you’re being dramatic/sensitive," excuse as a joke my whole life in response to my various emotional reactions so I wouldn't recognize it as manipulation.
My mom, on the other hand, has used variants of "grow up," "you're being too sensitive," and "nobody's perfect." So, any time I was expressing an emotion she found inconvenient with tears, she'd say, "don't worry, you'll stop crying so much when you mature emotionally." ..completely ignoring the fact that she's emotionally immature because she can't even be around other people's justified, negative emotions without invalidating them because the focus is off of her pain for once.
Also, she'll use a variant of the "nobody's perfect," excuse to excuse her actions while also fishing for compliments and reassurance about her bad parenting by saying things like, "I probably wasn't the best mother, but you know, no one can be perfect." This coming after a childhood full of having my emotions invalidated and struggles mocked and compared to hers. She wouldn’t seem satisfied with my response unless I jumped to something like, "oh.. no.. you did a good job," even though it was clearly a lie to make her feel better.
Lastly, my grandma, my mom's enabler, uses something I've heard you talk about in other videos. Now that I've made it clear I don’t want to give my mom any more chances, she says things like, "you just don’t know how to forgive," as though I'm not truly forgiving unless I go back to someone toxic and let them abuse me all over again, but here's the kicker.. she also points out that I never heal even though that's because I keep being shamed into taking the abuser back. Her solution is "well, next time you'll be less vulnerable," like my feelings on the abuse are the real problem.
And if I happen to take issue with how she, personally, has treated me over the course of my life and how repeating those patterns calls up the issues from my childhood, she wraps it all up with a nice, "oh, get over it."
Sorry this is long, but this one really resonated with me. I'm a first time commenter as well and just wanted to thank you for your wonderful channel and all your hard work. I've seen counselors and psychiatrists all my life and they haven't given me even a fraction of the tools that you have. You’re very much appreciated! 💓
“I’m sorry you feel that way.”
It’s like they’re physically incapable of speaking or acknowledging they did something wrong. Cognitive dissonance?
One I've often encountered in such situations is 'You're such an unhappy person.' or 'What a sad person you are.' (Also used to describe others who voice concerns about their behaviour.) This invalidates your legitmate feelings by presenting them as just a symptom of your inability to be 'happy'. It also implies that they are well adjusted and happy, while you're an emotional mess, or to put it another way, their life is great while yours sucks.
@pangorban1, Oh yes, That's another one you don't hear much about. I'd love to hear Dr. Ramani say something about this one that mine has pulled out of the hat in the past. It's as though they feel if a person is HAPPY with their life, all behaviors of other people are always going to be just FINE, no matter how unreasonable or rude.
Absolutely, as I'm calling her out on her abusive behavior, standing strong, and attempting to make her take responsibility for her behavior, she tells me that I'm a miserable person that lives a miserable life and all I do is complain....... in reality they put a negative spin on ANYTHING that involves pointing out their behavior. They feel attacked and insulted anytime they're confronted about their behavior or if you simply have a different opinion than theirs. My narc would go from verbally abusive to physically abusive in the blink of an eye when confronting her on the behavior, telling her it has to stop, and that it's not allowed in my home, if I told her that her actions were hurtful the verbal and emotional abuse would be even more. They are monsters that accuse you of everything they are.
@@joshuamacer777, In my experience, there is no value in continuing on emotionally speaking, with such a person. If you're married to them, you're really better off carving out your own life separately from them, even if you're still living together.
He says it every single time I try to have an adult conversation with him.
Get OUT!!!
Recently i heard few responses to gaslighting statement and this one was Number 1. Response was: dont apologise for my feelings, apologise for what you did.
Oooh ima take that one. Thanks
When I ask people to not use my name (Karen) as dehumanization, insult, pejorative, hate, ridicule - they go HARD on the "grow up - if you're not that person, it doesn't apply to you."
They get more insulting and hurtful.
Names are identities. I've had my name for over 6 decades, and my parents gave it to me lovingly.
The bullying and ugliness people do to justify their hurting of a stranger because their name is Karen, is extremely narcissistic.
@shinykazzadragon, I had a good friend named Karen. It's a fine name, and people should stop using it as a pejorative just because of that one woman who was in the news. My friend Karen was a LOVELY person! Using that phrase to insult will fade out over time, I think.
@@notagain779 it hasn’t stopped yet.
I’ve even known two women online who got bullied so much that they ended themselves from the bullying.
I find that there are a few groups of people who love to dehumanize my name.
1) Men who claim to be “alpha.”
2) Social justice warriors.
3) People in the MAGA mindset.
4) Young people who think the trend gives them credit with their peer groups.
I belonged to an online group for women named Karen. There were many stories related to the hurt and bullying some women (and young girls) received from it all.
I had to quit, because it was all too painful to continuously hear.
I find the trend to be sexist, ageist (a lot of the time), misogynistic, rude, dehumanizing, and hateful.
I would never deadname a trans person, because I want to respect their name - their identity. And I don’t like the feeling of being dehumanized because of my name.
I grew up in an abusive home, and married an abusive man, and I did t have an identity for a long time.
When I finally started to be able to say “my name is Karen, and I am learning who I am,” this crap started.
People see it as sanctioned bullying.
It’s not okay.
It needs to stop.
One of my dear friends is named Karen but she was introduced under a nickname which her narc husband hates but that's what I call her. Love that woman.
@@shinykazzadragon, I'm so sorry about all you've been through. I agree that there are many men today with the MAGA mindset: they are misogynistic and have aggression towards women in general. I met two of them recently, and it was chilling, the depth of their hateful psychology. Towards one, I practically had to call the police, before he decided to give up. To the other, I was respectful and kind, even though I felt he was trying to bait me into an argument. Instead, I decided to ask him questions about his life. After about an hour (I had the time and the interest) he said he hadn't ever met a woman who treated him with respect, and asked if he could hug me. (!) Ugh...I allowed it, even though it felt weird. He was almost crying. I suggested he look for good women in good places. Not in dive bars or where women are pole dancing. I don't know what the answers are between people today, but we do need to re-learn kindness and respect towards each other. Karen, it's probably best that you don't go onto the online groups for women with your name. There are a lot of foolish people in our society. Remember to just consider the source of the stupidity. ❤ And your name is beautiful!
I'm another Karen. I also dislike the meme usage. One of the things I appreciate about Dr Ramani is that she uses descriptions of how people behave instead of e.g. Karen meme as a shorthand. Meme use aside, her approach is also much clearer and more specific. :)
I once had no contact with my mother for a couple of months. She texted me and said "I'm sorry for whatever." That hurt how little effort she put into that apology.
*OMG...now THAT is just pitiful..good God. My Narc daughter says..."I know you* *are not one to hold a grudge and neither am I! Let's talk!" (She's 53) A Grudge?*
*"It's NOT a grudge darlin...this is me being cut off from you!"*
Mine can never apologise. 😢it's her way or the highway
In 80 years I've never heard my father say sorry for anything
My mom said the same thing after I took care of my father after 9 years she wasn’t there when needed it.
So my father passed away for three months already and she’s trying to get me to take care of her. I keep saying NO!
@@0505nancy1 *And you just continue*
*to say NO...don't give excuses just repeat*
*NO like a broken record!*
They didn't preface their statement with I'm sorry etc.Instead they said this is going to make you mad😢
I always thought it wasn't empathy. Its a way of making the person emotionally responsible for the entire situation. Narcissist are the ones who deserve that kind dismissal.
I have never said that to anybody. Not even once! But a narcissist did tell me, " I can't change your perception of me." 🤢🤢🤮
I've never said that to anyone either but I've heard it plenty of times.
Yeeess. The statement "I may not be a perfect man but a good man" deflecting bad behavior. No one that is a good man has to say that they are. A good man or just a good person in general just be good to others and just simply see it without saying they are "good person"
Honest people don't tell you how honest they are, con men do!
My mother did not need to tell me no one would believe me. She always bragged about me in public and ripped me to shreds in private
That phrase has always sounded condescending to me, even mean, therefore I have never said that to anyone. Thank you for breaking it down for us, maybe now we will all stop hearing it as much. Peace today.
Really helpful video . Narcissist uses word games to cover for their stupid, or abuse behavior. They never admit they did anything wrong ever .
My Ex 😳King Narcissist has never used the word sorry period.
Congrats it's an EX ❤
My whole life has been full of these people. My parents were physically and emotionally abusive narcs who wore a grandiose mask until the day they died. I don’t know if it was ever spoken, but I knew as a child that no one would ever believe me. They looked so “perfect” to the outside world. Then my long term relationships mirrored this, and it’s taken me most of my life to see what’s going on. My ex used these phrases on me, especially “grow up, you just need to accept” and “I’m sorry you feel that way” which always felt like a slam rather than empathy. I’d also get “poor baby”. Ugh ugh ugh
Ditto. It’s my observation there are a large number of terrible people on the planet today.
@@KatWoodland I agree, maybe it’s egos run amok!
I had this too and then there were people telling me "you attract what you are", (which is maybe even often gaslighting too) but with this kind of thing it's more like "you attract what you're conditioned to put up with". Those are two different things. Because we're conditioned to deal with this kind of stuff, we let people cross boundaries that they wouldn't get away with when they pull it on people who weren't conditioned this way. There are many of these people, but it feels like more when you have this kind of conditioning, because it makes you a monster magnet. Set clear boundaries and know you're worthy of kindness and respect, especially from the people who claim to be friends or partners. It took me a really long time to see this stuff, even though it seems so logical and basic to me now. That's the conditioning.
@@observingsystemI agree, we (especially women) are conditioned by our society, family and culture to accept this kind of treatment and think it’s “normal” and we are the problem. It took me a long time to understand this.
Absolutely!@@deb4610
Or they will say: "Well, I can't change the past!".
My second husband of 10 yrs said it often! Finally I said- save it and your non-apology-don’t believe you! Then he went to his supporters and said- I tried to apologize to her and she refused to accept it now! I didn’t know then what I know now but my answers speeded up the discard of me!😢😅❤
“You are telling me that you feel hurt. I get that. I feel hurt, too. “
That’s more honest than me offering an obligatory “I’m sorry,” when I disagree with the accusations the narcissist/gaslighter just projected onto me.
"I'm sorry for any unintended hurt you feel I caused."
Nobody's perfect and...some behaviours are inexcuseable
*1:04** i’m triggered already😂 these terms ring through my head and you’re left feeling guilty, confused, annoyed and anxious. Thank you so much for making this content it makes a HUGE difference knowing you’re not going insane and are just dealing with a narcissistic person*
Exactly, it's not what they say, it's how they leave you feeling even worse. Then they can pathologise you as being crazy
I started telling my narc I dont give af instead of "im sorry you feel that way".
Saying I'm sorry when you've done something wrong, but what about I'm sorry for how you feel to a narcissist when they're trying to blame you for their feelings
I've learned that saying, "Get the f*ck out of my face" works for me, as I'm leaving their life forever... 🤷🏽♀️
I can honestly say that I have never said "I'm sorry you feel that way." It has always something like a bunch of crap to me.
I am literally sorry about the way a narcissist feels. I will try not to say this to them again.
Yeah I was thinking the same. How many times have we wanted or needed to say that. And it's true.
Seriously, does a person decide I want to be a narcissist and there are schools they attend to learn it all? How is it they all act the same way, use the same words/phrases, treat people the same way? It is so bizarre!!
The same "spirit".
@@denisesmith6885 Truth!
I agree!!
Most have trauma they never learned how to deal with and grow from. They choose the victim road and would rather live in a lie. They are too hard headed to be shamed, that's why they come out swinging. They think they are tough, but they are the weakest link. Tough people face truth and the giants in life head on and it makes them a better person. The Narc live in a lie (fantasy life) and squirm their way through relationships deceiving others and being deceived.
My ex-husband used that phrase periodically, IF he wanted me to "forgive and forget" something he had done.
I have used it on my mom, when she accused my teenage daughter of not being "grateful enough". 🤔
And here's another: "it wasn't my INTENTION to hurt you..." Your INTENTION is irrelevant.
What's worst than individual gaslighting is
"Group gaslighting "...those phrases are way to general and used to often to dismiss or invalidate a person's experience. Instead of actually addressing the matter they start "grey rocking" 🤦🏾♂️🤷🏾♂️its very interesting to witness people who are in the wrong double down on their stance of perpetuation
The only time “the group“ wants anything to do with you is when they need you to fill a seat and bring a gift at a wedding, birthdays, baby shower and so on. Or want to brag about something new, a house, a new car or a vacation they went on. They are all in your face to see your reaction. Then they make up something lame to dismiss you once again in front the the entire group while you are not there to defend yourself. You’re out once again and you don’t even know why or what was said. Get rid of these people, they are jealous of you and your accomplishments. My life has been filled with narcissists including my husband.
The phrase "no one is going to believe you" is painful for me because my Narcissistic mother molested me when I was child and it was true that no one believed me. I lost custody of my children and when I wanted DSS to sever the relationship with my mother and my children because of her behavior they literally said that I was making it up. I had a psychiatrist tell me when I was 27 and dealing with memories of the sexual abuse that "mothers don't molest their daughters". Even in mental health I was invalidated. I don't tell people what's happening anymore because I don't believe people want to help anymore.
Oh hunny I'm so sorry that happened to you. 🙏 God's healing
It's only when you go through something horrifying and unique that you become aware of how backwards, small-minded and uncaring the vast majority of people are, including healthcare "professionals". I'm sorry this happened to you.
As a fellow human being, Im so sorry that you have had that experience and feel emotionally abandoned by humanity. Just know that we are out here and would/do believe you. If, however, you dont feel like you would ever meet one of us, dig deeply into yourself and do things to heal your heart. Perhaps, you can turn your wounds into healing energy for others who have experienced what you have. You can use your light energy and unfortunate experiences to help others. In turn, that will help you heal further. You are a survivor of an unimaginable wound. The strength that can come from that is tremendous. Please turn your poison into medicine. All blessings to you!🙏🏽
Mine also molested me...don't worry if others believe you,what matters is your own healing❤sending hugs and prayers for strength
@@brandywilleford9157 THANK YOU SO MUCH
I’ve heard this most from therapists. Never any “I’m sorry” from the narcissistic parent unless he was in a position and trying to get me back to take care of him.
Exactly! Each time one of my parents apologized, they wanted something from me and it wasn't even subtle. Had to learn this the hard way 😅
One I’ve heard my entire life from parents and relationships is “I’m sorry I’m not perfect like you.” 😢 No accountability whatsoever
I've used those words out of being passive aggressive on situations towards an ill mannered person/people. But when it's untentional and I've offended or hurt someone it's, "I'm sorry I made you feel that way."
Thank you. I'm exhausted at the moment and I was thinking that I must be a narcissist because I'm saying, "I'm so sorry you feel that way." But no, like you, I sometimes say: "I'm sorry. I made you feel that way." Phew....
My kids are all in on the “I’m sorry you feel that way” as a non-apology apology and now say it to not really apologize because they have all heard their father saying it and they know it is empty and a gaslight.
I said it to my mom once when I was 10 and she screamed at me, lol. She also never took the time to teach me what a real apology looked like in the first place.
Baiting has a big tap root in childishness. Like when the narci-gang in my homeowners association sends person after person passing the house causing a commotion, and lay in wait until I look out a window to see what it's all about so they can snap a photo of 'look at that nosey (patriarchal word)', it basically amounts to 'made 'ya look, made 'ya look, made 'ya look by penny book'.
Unfortunately - these folks have also engaged the services of someone to cyberstalk my online activities and intercept my cell phone signal with an IMSI interceptor. Shortly after my post they sent a child (under 12) by 2x to cause a commotion. In this, they exposed themselves cyberstalking and used a child to harass a disabled person. (Law enforcement does not deal with these types of crime)
Hi Ramani,
Chocolate covered rotten fish. You are speaking to my soul
you wacky psychology lady. I love strange combinations of
things. Shopping carts flying across the cosmos at the
speed of light. There are a lot of VHS tapes featuring girls
gone wild but shopping carts gone wild are a rarer find
in the VHS market. Strange combinations of things are
absolutely the best contemplations that you can have.
I realized today that I'm always running a dialogue in
my head with imaginary people and it's because I'm
autistic. It seems perverted to me that I'm
always talking to people in my head. My thoughts
are always in a dialogue with some imaginary object
and it's a strange thing to bring awareness to.
Ramani, I need to wear a T-shirt in public that
displays a clarifying message to help disarm
the people around me. My clarifying and disarming
message needs to say, 'I'm not perverted. I'm
autistic. However, I'm perverted and my autism
has a lot to do with it.' Okay you wacky psychology
lady. I love you. I have to do something productive
today before this day becomes tragic. Hahhaahhaa.
It's another tricky way of rejecting responsibility for their mistakes and to carry shame, suspicion onto you. It's impossible for a narcissist to say "It's my fault, I was wrong and I hurt you". Don't expect to hear something like that. Thanks again Dr. Ramani❤
Yes when I actually called her she said oh Linda, instead of owning her behaviour, as if it were my fault she can't see herself. Gone no contact
I just cannot ever get over treating them with respect and empathy while I am being consistently abuse for decades... For me, I'll express my anger at them... I feel that is is not my job "understand" them, if they never understand me... Thx 👍❤❤❤
I have had this said to me and I wish it was legal to slap narcissists when they say that!!! I ALWAYS say I’m sorry for what I DID and also that I won’t do it again and truly regret it. I am sorry for what I did. Period.
06:00 yes I've used it when angry and confused over their behavior. At a certain point I stopped saying sorry for things that I shouldn't be sorry for and would sometimes say I'm sorry you feel that way, that wasn't my intention. The braver response would have been simply "I don't agree with you" but I wasn't there yet.
I have heard, "I am sorry you feel that way, you shouldn't feel that way." WAY TO Much in my life from "loved ones." Not anymore. Wishing everyone freedom!!!
It’s such a brilliant pseudo apology to say “I’m sorry you feel that way”. It’s almost like telling someone who lost a family member “l’m sorry for your loss”. Only in the second case, the speaker did not cause the death of the other person’s loved one.
Thank you for putting this together. I can relate to all of these. The one that irks me the most is the first one, "I'm sorry you feel that way." I call that the non apology apology.
It’s been really difficult to realize that the majority of conversations I’ve had with my family of origin is and always will be based on manipulations and entitlements.
amazing video I love when Dr. Ramani catches these jerks out!
Another narc phrase is : when you tell them, you love them, they say I love you more. That’s when i’m going to say “i’m sorry you feel that way “ :)
Actually I won’t, i just stop talking to these walls… err, people.
@IAMTHATIAM-ny5ci, Or, In Gone With the Wind, at the end when Scarlet O'Hara says, "Oh, but I LOVE you, Rhett! I do, I REALLY do!" And he answers, "Scah-lett, THAT is YOUR misfortune." 😂😂😂
I HATE all rhe flippant "Love You!" From casual aquaintances. I tell them not to say that to me because it's fake.
I’m almost 40 and outside of my father and husband and a handful of others are the only people I know that are capable of genuine apologies and behavior change. It seems to be an epidemic in our society, narcissistic person or not. I don’t understand why personal accountability is so hard.
Narcissistic style people carry out a coup of your psyche, making you responsible for how you feel, how they feel whilst they sit pretty as the king or queen of the realm and you slowly unravel
I said "I'm sorry you feel that way" to a narcissist recently.
The next time my ex narc tells me this I'm going to say "don't apologize for my feelings, I don't feel sorry for feeling this way so you shouldn't either!"
Yep, I've said it.
The (possible) narcissist friend, on multiple occasions: I'm not responsible for how you respond to things I say/do, that's on you.
Me: Okay, that makes logical sense.
The (possible) narcissist friend: *ranting and raving and belittling, accusing me of things I haven't done and demanding an apology*
Me: I'm sorry to hear you're feeling that way.
The (possible) narcissist friend: *implodes with rage*
My husband loves to tell me to "grow up" when I exhibit anything resembling disapproval of the way he treats me. Now that I know it's just another weak little nerf arrow in his arsenal, it doesn't hurt as much.
I’ve said it, instead of saying I’m sorry
So he didn't quite say "Nobody's perfect" but after I caught him cheating on me, he did say that he thought I held him "on a pedestal." It felt the same to me, though. Like, expecting him to not cheat and lie to me was holding him up to some impossible standard in his book.
I’ve actually read articles online in my early 20s where ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ is a way to apologise without apologising.
I've had a form of "nobody will believe you" as " if i ask 100 people about this situation they all will agree with me" my response was can I pick the 100 people? The narcissist didnt like that at all!! I'm learning how to deal with my narcissist now ex boyfriend while I wait for my new apartment to be ready later this month. Its been hard but these videos are helping
I never said this before until my narc ex started using this phrase, and variations of it, towards me. It also came as a result of my own feelings being invalidated constantly. I usually said it in response to his projections. It became a vicious cycle, but at least I was able to stop going DEEP with my narc ex with the phrase. Unfortunately, now I'm afraid I'll use it towards others who absolutely do not deserve to hear that phrase.
My MIL loves to use “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry you misunderstood me” when she “apologizes” to me.
Passive aggressive apology. No empathy. It's like I'm still better than you honey, but it's all ok. Ugh
I’m so grateful to have found resources like this. It brings me back to my first great therapist, who validated my experiences and honestly saved my life because the constant gaslighting was starting to make me doubt my reality. Thank you Dr Ramani for everything!
Dr Ramani, I have been married to The Narcissist, that you’re talking about, is my husband! Going through All the Stages of physical and mental abuse, I am in the last stage where I have discovered Serial Cheating, physical and emotional abandonment- now, I’m exhausted! and in a paralysis mode! Thank God, I have found you! Your words and analysis give me so much help and support, on top of Clarity that I have needed for so long- I just can’t have enough of you! I thank you from the bottom of my heart! Please continue and continue --
I would be happy if my narcissistic ex said I am sorry you feel that way. I used to tell me he didn’t mean to hurt me, therefore I should not feel that way.
I'm a narcissist and I have said I'm sorry you feel that way. I did not notice it being narcissistic until right now. Thank You Dr Ramini.
!!! Thank you for validating this. I cringe when I have heard my ex-friend said this. After much reflection & a deep dive I realize how much my relationships reflected my relationship with my Mother. My mother shows characteristics of a neglectful narcissist. This response from my ex-friend when & others in the past over situations that were impactful situations to which said person would say this response was hurtful in what felt like the most unempathetic and dismissive way.
Thank you for another insightful and impactful video! ❤
”Mind Your language!”
Agree, we take on language that narcissists use, and also language stemming from new age although we don’t adhere to that sort thinking. Language matters ”mind Your language!”
My mom's favorite non-apology is .."well, we just remember things differently". Yea, we sure do. I remember what actually happened and not her distorted version that shifts blame onto everyone but her. My brother constantly excuses her hurtful behavior by using the "nobody's perfect" dodge whenever I bring up how she makes me feel. So I simply stopped acknowledging what she does to be hurtful and hateful. I ignore it. But since I stopped trying to engage with her when she acts ugly, other people are noticing without me having to point it out. Look y'all, my mom just turned 82 years old and I know she's never going to change. And I don't care anymore 💁♀️
Mine put me at odds with my mom after dating him for 6 years then he discarded me right after she passed away. These people have no soul I can’t wrap my head around how any human being can be so monstrous.