Narcissists WEAPONIZE your values against you
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- Опубліковано 18 лис 2023
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
My in laws were banned from their local Italian takeout place. I found it gratifying that the restaurant stood up for themselves. My in-laws have to ask their sons or housekeeper to order the food for them whenever they want Italian food, which means they have to be patient and can't yell at anyone. It makes me smile 😊
Geeez, I love this! I wish we saw more of this.
Always love an entitled family gets thrown out of or banned from a restraint story.
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
The truth is their enemy .
Bad behavior is their weapon , they don't know the value of loyalty, their betrayal does a lot of damage..and they don't care
Your memories matter
They are broken people. This is why they don't care about their bad behavior.
Oh, they value loyalty... When it's given TO THEM. It's something they can leverage.
@@melisentiapheiffer3034It’s not because they’re broken. There are many of us who are broken and don’t hurt others and feel empathy.
Oh yes Madea, it can go so beyond as with me borderline/narc parents.
Most people who claim to be brutally honest are brutal but not honest
Took the words out of my mouth.
These are side effects of what happens when kids are spoiled rotten, they grow up being even bigger whiner babies as adults not to mention bullies.
Or sexual and physical abuse.
@cameroncameron2826word salad
Can be. But most narcissists are developed from neglect and abuse. They develop such an extreme protective side that they prioritize themselves as the most important.
This is why many with NPD have offspring with NPD, especially if other family doesn't step in. Or their kids become pushover people-pleasers to the other extreme.
Narcissists don't deserve any chances at all. They will never change or will never even try to change
As a kid i was brutally honest to the Narcissistic treatment long b4 i knew what it was. This landed me as the scapegoat.
Same here.. I was the truth teller of my family hence the target of the narcissist in the family.. All others simply enable the narcissist by praising her and supporting her shamelessly making her entitled more and more without facing any consequences. She is turning worse and I am fighting it alone without my useless family who does not know what's the value of a family if they support the wrongdoer even after knowing that she is abusing me badly.
Family estrangement is common. It can be a blessing!. Choose peace over chaos.
This is the sad truth for most people
"I'm just being brutally honest." Oh, the number of times I heard that growing up! And the follow-up: "You're too sensitive." And the RAGE if you point out their meanness. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for describing this. It helps A LOT.
Can nostalgia give you chills?! It did for me when I read those 'oh-so-familiar' judgemental phrases you mentioned! 😨
I can relate to this with my family too. It’s so messed up. I barely want to be around them anymore sadly:( Heartbreaking to realize, but grateful for this community support and learning that our well being matters too. ❤
Brutally honest or devils advocate is gaslighting.
Yes. A little tact wouldn't go amiss. Oh yeah, and if you give criticism you have to be able to take it too. Otherwise, think before you speak. Narcissistic people don't do that.
Even the most "brutally honest" autistic person will feel bad for others if what they say hurts them, although they may not know why others are hurt. Narcissistic folks are not brutally honest, they are just brutal in the sense they either don't care, or are purpousely trying to cause harm; because they are quite capable of inhibiting themselves when it suits their wants and needs.
And this is one of the reasons that I, as ASD person, dislike pop culture characters as Sheldon Cooper, Dr. House or Sherlock a lot; because they create and popularize the idea that some people are "too honest", "too smart" or "too important" to understand or care to understand how others feel; which is never the case in reality. But narcissistic people will jump on that wagon in a heartbeat.
When we tell children to ignore all the bad things they witness, we undermine their sense of judgement and discernment (they are less likely to trust their own judgment) which in turn increases vulnerability in bad relationships
Ding ding ding ding ding!!! 💯🎰
FACTS
They make you carry the shame of their abuse and betrayal by telling you such things would never happen to you if you were a good person. They'll use their fortunes to colour themselves with your values. All while knowing the severity of their abuse will put you back in life 😢
Yes I have learned much from this channel about toxic people, and now understand what I have personally experienced. If you forgive a toxic person for their bad behavior, they lose respect for you, and it gets worse. They are never sorry for it, and will never stop.
OMG this really answers my question as to how my narcissistic partner of 27 years, was able to seemingly show empathy for groups of people far removed from us, but such little or non existing empathy for those living with him. I never even knew about narcism until I left and then I saw videos like yours, and it was like a huge puzzle of my life where the pieces were starting to fit together. Thank you so much for sharing. 🌹🙏
You totally described my father who is trying to get close to us (his children) now that we are in our 40s and he is in his mid-70s and he is sort of alone in a foreign country where he does not know the language either. He is still mean to my mother though, but lucky for my mom that as a narcissist herself, she is a match for her husband.
My mom was what my great nonna would call "street angel, house devil". I had friends tell me I was being crazy and disrespectful when I would run from home from the abuse, that they couldn't imagine my mom being so terrible. Until they saw it for themselves.
Even though they and I never argued and they knew me as someone that actually avoided confrontation; they stood by my mom that they didn't know well because she was SO good at manipulating people.
I am glad I went no contact with her some years ago, but my child has lost friends because of her talking crap to people. Grandparents of the friends that were tricked by my mom, idk what she said but she's the only common denominator. I'm not even on social media (other than here) so there's legit no other connection between the people that this has happened with. Other than myself and my child but we have had no issues with others....
Yes. Always playing to the audience. I couldn't see it until I was out of it. Now it's so obvious.
I found that everything I shared came back to bite me in the butt. My oldest narcissistic sister who wanted me to hurriedly move from Oregon during ongoing cancer treatment to take care of our really old mother responded to me after telling her I was having an angiogram (and stent) and I quote, "Another excuse....". Yep. I quit sharing.
😂 I don't mean to laugh at that, but my own brother would be the same way. I had to block him on my phone lately just because I can't take it right now, with too much going on in my own life. He doesn't even listen or care.
Avoid that sister as much as you can. Horrible woman
@@patriciafry8634 You have no idea. Its dreadful. She wanted me to sell my house in Oregon and "get back down here and take care of momma" (in Houston, Texas).
@@cc1k435 I routinely/intermittently block both my sisters. Life is too short to be continually terrorized.
Same here. My narc brother finally managed to Shanghai mom to Oregon where I live. Now I am having to go to her assisted living facility two times a day. She is narcissistic to the max. My family now understand the woman who raised me.
Narcissistic bosses hate brutally honest comments when it is directed towards them. They will perceive any constructive criticism as an ego injury and will engage in retaliation in the workplace. Hell hath no fury like a narc scorned. Beware: A narcissist’s rage is always there, sometimes barely under the surface!
One of the best responses to a nasty customer that I’ve ever heard was by a hair stylist named Jon Scott.
When a client started sniping and snarking at him, he reminded her that his prices “didn’t purchase the right to disrespect him”. Freaking perfection!! 😂
And then she would have written a fake bad review about him
@@robinantonio8870 No doubt that she would’ve done that anyway.
They cannot ever be rehabilitated people....Keep Listening to the experts - who have tried to help them, to no damned avail. Thanks as always Dr Romani❤
"Respecting your elders" is the reason I gave an elderly manager a pass the first time he tried to be too familiar with me.
The second time (captured on security camera), I reported him and he was fired.
No one should get respect they haven't earned. "Respect for elders" should be limited to letting them have the seats on public transit, and not expecting them to book it like a 20 year old when getting on/off.
I live in Las Vegas and the Narcissists we get here in the casinos are UNREAL!!!!
I have no problem loudly humiliating ridiculously rude customers when I'm out and about. I hate bullies. 😒
Yeah. Working in retail is such an eye opening experience too.
I’ve discovered being assertive is the most effective way to deal with narcissistic people…the instant someone says an antagonistic phrase to me or about me, I immediately call it out and put whoever on the spot…and make it known I’m done with the bs and have no problem with removing the problem from my reality
Your reality is everyone's reality. It's good to not be a pushover. We can all be polite and stand up for ourselves at the same time. It's harder when we are attacked for sure.
I just try to remind myself, and then the narcissist, of boundaries. My sister in law recently started an argument then told me she will stop talking to me if she's at all offended. Without explaining what it was, because nothing anyone else says matters. Lol At least the first time she's honest. But also she said it as if it was a threat- as if I'm supposed to crumble. In the same convo she told me how I am supposed to word my opinions.
So I simply told her I feel it's unhelpful to just go silent, but she's allowed to do so at any time. It's not up to me if she's offended, or if she talks to me. And it's up to me how I phrase things.
I try not to offend. But I won't be dishonest or pretend I'm someone else so they can be comfortable. It's up to them if they want to continue contact or not. As it's also up to me if I continue. It's both of us. Obviously if one decides not to, then it can't happen. Then ok.
Too many people today aren't coping with trauma and have poor boundaries. I don't want my sister to feel alone, or like I don't respect her differences. But it goes both ways.
5 Values Narcissists Weaponize
00:21 - Kindness
12:17 - Empathy
21:42 - Respect
32:56 - Honesty
39:42 - Authenticity
@StarfleetUnderground thank you
Very useful, thanks
So these are the basic building blocks of entry level human decency social skills. A certain amount of skill in relationships comes with time but if you meet someone who doesn’t even seem to come with the above 5 “starter pack” of human decency skills…run…
Many others too. In fact as they get to know you better that list tends to grow as time goes on. Down to the very superficial like what your favorite color is. Dare to reveal your ideas on a color scheme is risking then being yelled at for never being able to do anything right. No wonder some people spend money to hire an interior decorator. Well worth the money while protecting your delicate hearing. Whereupon some of the narcissists who are determined to remain who they are will then after starting to believe they know everything about both your present and what your future will be then will false accuse you of being only a complete fake. Always seeing things while forgetting what they themselves often look like after leaving the mirror when combing their own hair or whatever. Like when practicing their speech to give at some military assembly. Hitler and Musolini did that so well. G_d forbid that I ever end up becoming like the same breed of cat so to speak. The same breed of cat someone once told me belongs as only an epitath for all from the opposite sex. Needless to say I sure did flee from that person;s presence once too as fast as I could. While she was following all of the rules there. Only on the outside. Narcissists seem to be among us wherever we go.
Loyalty isn’t on this list!
I agree with you. I think empathy is lacking everywhere.
I always do everything I can to be kind to everyone, regardless if they are a server or staff. I believe you treat the janitor or server the same as you treat a CEO
Agree. This has been my creed since I can remember. No one is better than anyone else because it takes all our jobs to keep the wheels of life rolling. Would a doctor want to work in a hospital because there were no janitors to keep it clean? I have found the more intelligent a person is, the kinder or understanding they are because they are smart enough to know that they don’t know everything and you can always learn from someone.
A lot of people are deceived, and the empathy is misdirected. Don’t forget that.
Little related story. I am German, my wife is American. We are in Germany enjoying a nice brunch in a hip Frankfurt cafe, sitting outside enjoying the summer sun. Two tables over one of those entitled narcissists was throwing a tantrum, or at least trying to, it was crystal clear, when the waitress stopped him with these words (translated) "Listen, Mr., I am not your punching ball. Why TF do you not get the fuck out of here and stop annoying me and my guests who are trying to enjoy their brunch. And guess what, everyone was perfectly fine with that reaction, the guy had it coming and he got up and left. However, my wife was shocked and she said this would never happen in the USA (customer is king bs). But of course she was right, the level of abuse that Americans are willing to take is insane. And I agree, a "day of kindness" is not going to change that. Telling them off early on and setting them straight is a much better way of handling that. Nobody likes these entitlement freaks, but then again the entitlement virus is pretty wide spread in the USA, which I learned over time having lived there for 16y.
Enmeshed children rule here 😂
@BlissLovePeace few service workers in Europe would tolerate the levels of abuse that American service workers have to put up with. I used to work security when I first moved to Norway (17 years ago) at a rowdy irish pub. The vast majority of customers are usually polite (because Norwegians generally are anyway) but apply enough alcohol and things can get messy, especially with foreign visitors. But you abuse the staff even once, in any way, and you´re out. No questions. No arguments. Maybe barred if you push it. This is a general rule in the UK in bars too. And I´ve seen loud american backpackers get kicked out of a cafe in Italy, just for being loud and complaining about the speed of service. Also seen some loud obnoxious British tourists snapping their fingers and shouting "Garcon" to a waiter in France, and then just get ignored until they got up and left. I´m from the UK myself, but at the same restaurant, walked in, spoke French (albeit badly) and was shown to a table, then the waiter asked where I was from, and then, just because I carried on speaking French, asked to stay behind after hours to join some of the owners friends for another bottle of wine (on the house) and some very nice conversation.
Narcissistic entitlement isn´t confined to any one nation, but how much it is so much more acceptable in the US, it seems.
@@alanwaterworth6464 good story … yeah, agree, this entitlement bs doesn’t fly except in the USA and UK
I couldn't agree more. Promoting kindness is great, but there also needs to be a very strong, clear message that bullying is NOT OKAY, won't be tolereated, and will lead to consequences. I, fact, I loved my son's elementary school because there was a combination of positive character education AND strong Zero Tolerance Bullying message, as well as practical education.
My daughter's junior high school was like this. What blew me away was the day when she was in 8th grade and came home to tell me that there was a child being bullied on her bus. She joined together with another child to protect him. Here's the amazing part: the child who helped her protect the victim had bullied her in 6th grade. Not only did the school stop him when he bullied, they turned him into a protector. Amazing.
I also like that places like hospitals in my area have signs saying that aggressive behavior toward staff, whether physical or verbal, will not be tolerated.
Sometimes the "No tolerance" policies don't work--when the bully and the one trying to defend theirself are equally punished and school district police operate by that policy instead of actual law which differentiates self defense, or while behavior charts are a form of hazing by leaders, both unequally applied and creating a walk of shame
@jenstevens2998 I couldn't agree more. Research shows that the best thing for a child to do when they are bullied is to fight back. If the child is going to be punished for defending themselves, it takes away their beat protection. Zero-tolerance policies just put a victim at more risk.
THANK YOU. THIS IS SO IMPORTANT. I am so sick of the expectation that given enough time and requests that these folks will somehow come around. The only way to even begin to improve this, is to make it clear that entitled antagonistic behavior will not be tolerated in any way.
My dad is the worst. He will love ANYONE who is anyone. The more money they make; the better. He will constantly go on about random people who are successful to use against his 3 children. NEVER, EVER has he apologized, taken accountability or any liability for his failings as a dad. He just says "We gave you a roof over your head" like that's some amazing benefit to being born (which I didn't ask for). I make him models (which are amazing) and he still can't compliment them. It's actually funny. I have distanced myself from him & just mess with him (evil).
If someone tried to justify their words by saying that they are just brutally honest, my response would be "Yeah, with emphasis on the BRUTAL part."
I resigned from my position at a restaurant management group in February because the treatment was so bad by all of the office management staff who were narcissists…it was unbearable!! I became physically ill because of the treatment there.
All of management was in on it and we’re very cruel to certain individuals, including myself.
The food industry can be soooo toxic. I applaud you for getting out of that situation. I hope you find a good new job soon! Take care.
I think a lot of culinary training programs promote this, though I haven't attended one myself. Yes Chef! Anything you say Chef! Please allow me to kiss your ass Chef! Industrial kitchens do tend to be authoritarian structures. I might even posit that the hierarchical nature of a kitchen attracts narcissistic people.
Maybe Dr. Ramani would find a more enlightened and receptive audience when marketing her consulting services to Culinary and Hospitality school programs than she would when approaching Executive Chefs and other restaurant managers... if she were attempting to target the industry.
I just resigned Friday 2 days ago.... I told them "oh i really need this job...I want to last longer so that it will look good on my resume and I can use you for references" 😂 completely lied to them as how they lie on everyone. Friday morning to ruin their weekend I submitted my resignation and blind copied coworkers who are also fed up with them. Karma is great because little did they know the company is going under and those narcs will lose their penisions....they have been their 30+ years before I was born and think they can treat people bad....they will get zero pension. God is great 😂
That’s how the game is played esp in the good industry. They are like a gang
@@drvpscottnot Gordon Ramsay
My respect is not something you demand - it is something you earn 😊
If you START with showing respect , you earn it
I give everyone a certain amount of respect. What happens after that is up to that individual. Will they continue showing me that they are a good person and treat myself and others well (thus gaining more respect) or will they show me that they are a total jerk by treating myself and others poorly (thus losing my respect)?
A friend of mine applied for a service position at the Ritz Carlton Hotel. A question on the application asked, "Is the customer always right?" Yes or no were the only boxes to check. She drew her own box that said, "HELL NO!" and checked it. Ritz Carlton called her in for an interview to ask her thoughts. She told them that they were asking for trouble if the only acceptable answer was, Yes the customer is always right. She told them that it might have been okay 100 years ago, but people now are way different in the current uncivil society that we live in. They agreed, but didn't hire her. If I'd been in charge at the Ritz, I would have hired her, and simply told her that she would need to back off of confrontations with guests, and call for backup. They missed out on a gem of an employee, in my opinion.
I used to make excuses not to go out to eat in public with my narc mother. She demanded constant attention for the most minor things (like they didnt have her favorite beer, so management got involved in finding a substitute). She would make servers so upset another would replace them and give her something else to bitch about. I would fake having to use the restroom one more time and go back to apologize and give the server any money i had on me. It was so bad, and nothing could be said without escalating further. Thankfully I have a permanent excuse of having difficulties with swallowing, and she would NOT want that seen in public.
I have held a number of service industry jobs, and my mother’s behavior towards workers helped me be much more empathetic than otherwise.
Thank you for this video, helpful as always. Employers need to step up with removing or banning abusive customers (and stop the tipping culture keeping workers struggling).
Putting a "kind" sign will not deter the self-absorbed, in fact it will only spur them on to greater heights.
I used to be guilty as charged. But then Covid happened and people lost their minds - they started behaving like me. A real eye opener. I don’t want to be that person or let be in that society. I did an about face and changed my lunk headed ways.
Bravo. You are a rare creature. Self-awareness and reform are difficult things that bring tremendous benefits.
@gertrudewest4535 I am so proud of you !
Continue on your journey and life will be good.
WOW, these videos are so eye opening. Imagine believing you were the problem your entire life, only to realize it is them. Truly mind blowing.
“Brutally Honest” is said as a form of character assassination to the one that is disagreeing with the narcissist who happens to always be right.
So true. A character assassination comes in so many forms. For example assuming that anyone going through a divorce; sometimes including themselves too while feeling like only they know how to get along in the world from there thanks to their post secondary education which at the time the other does not have. When a relative of mine called an uncle found out about how I had been treated there too he was very angry about how I had been only turned out onto the street soon after asking for help there. Howeve at the time only because he had never had to go through it himself all he could remember at the time was that woman thought of him as being like a different breed of cat only because he is a man. That woman serving for pay in that women's shelter was only less than perfect. However at the time no one could explain fully why my estranged husband had managed to get away with increasing his narcissistic abuse towards me while threatening violence through extreme intimidation tactics too soon after they had to tell me to leave there without my infants to live with anymore as being their custodial parent.
Kindness is required if continued contact is intended. Brutality results in estrangement. I grew up in orchestras, where mean teachers were considered normal. Now I realize that any teacher who tells a child to stop (fill in the blank with any joyous activity), because "you have no talent" should be fired the first time. It means "I am not competent to teach you". Among adults, being "just brutally honest" means "I am an asshole you should avoid if at all possible". Brutes are lousy teachers/colleagues/bosses/family members. Love and lightning from Holland🌷
Years ago, I had a bumper sticker on my car that read, "Mean People Suck." Come to think of it, I was working as a server at the time! I would love to get another one of those stickers- compared to now, those were the good old days of sanity and civility.
As a teenager, I worked as a cashier at a drugstore. There was an excellent manager there, we called him Mr. C looking back, he taught me some things I'll never forget.
He was always calm, practical, and reasonable. One day, when some customers threw merchandise rudely because there was an issue with how clearance items were marked, he calmly told them that while our store apologized for the error, they could immediately leave the store if they were going to yell at staff and throw merchandise.
Personally, I now think the store should have- and any store should- clearly mark prices and honor a lower price if the customer was misled by the stickers- however- If all managers handled abusive customers the way Mr. C did- this world would ultimately be completely different! Thanks Mr. C!!
Funny I am not surprised. My narcissistic parents are from Cape Cod actually my entire narcissistic extended family is from Cape Cod... the entire region is full of rich people who are so entitled that rudeness and arrogance is their middle name! I have gone no contact with them all due to this behavior wow you couldn't have said it better.
Just went to dinner with a brother last night who prides himself as being a mellow cat but is seething just beneath the surface. It was one complaint after another to me rather than the staff. The waitress was too loud, the wine glass barely filled, and what blew my mind was pointing out with sheer contempt that the waitress walked by 3x without removing the empty bread basket. Im so glad they didnt hear it ... at least I hope not. This is the same guy at a nephews wedding who sniggered about the figures of the bridesmades, gulped down the gorgeous dinner, then loudly complained that there was no dessert. I had to tersely whisper in his ear....' this is a wedding and cake is part of the event.' So thoughtless and rude . In other situations he's Mr. Victim.
Dont forget us healthcare workers!
Amen. Patients are SICKER and ruder than EVER.
...I was the Executive Sales Director at a chain Hotel in Birmingham, Alabama....this Hotel had some very big problems between the customer relations and our work staff...Customers were ripping into my employee which was destroying their morel of course...I called a meeting with my entire work staff and personally told them, "your having to absorb this abuse is not your job"....ANY COMPLAINTS/QUESTIONS/ISSUES...send them to me I'll handle the customers personally"...I acknowledged the workers for every effort to do their job soon the entire attitude of customers and employee changed..for the better...Managers DO YOUR JOB.
I joke that I need botox because I'm too expressive. It wouldn't matter. The new favorite phrase my asshat says is "I hope you hear me". The first time I said "I hear you, I just don't agree with you", he was literally speechless. 😅
Yes, my cousin excuses everything she said to me with ‘Strangers wont tell you the truth, will they? Only close family members will be honest with you’😅
I accidently found you almost a year ago. You have helped me so much dealing with the narcissist in my life. I have used the many tools you have shared.
You may like narcdaily and MentalHealness. 😊
I found her after dealing with some major narcissism at a very bad time.
She’s definitely right in a lot of things, confirms patterns I see before me
I have a family member whose rudeness and downright meanness is excused as being ‘brutally honest’. It’s such crap and I feel bad for the person married to her. Thank you for this Dr Ramani. Reminds me what is not ok and to build my boundaries more. I am aware of the truth but don’t speak it much anymore to protect myself. Thank you 🙏❤
The work place is the worst area of abuse.
I think one of the keys to seeing through this nonsense is if they treat others the way they expect to be treated. We all fall short of the goal of loving others as ourselves, but the narcissists don't even have that as a goal. Since they don't view others as fully human like themselves, they can only "love" them like you would "love" an object you are enthusiastic about. Their I love you to a person is the equivalent of someone elses' "I love this car/color/restaurant/movie." - You may enthusiastically enjoy it, but there's no commitment, exclusivity or reciprocity. It is more of a "I love hoe you are making me feel or look right now."
The point about seeing virtues as weaknesses really sums up my experience well. I would do something and be told (or have other people told) that I was only doing it to "show off", because I was a loser with nothing else to do or that I was doing it wrong and they could do it much better (although they didn't do it).
A long time job I really valued and worked hard at was ruined by a raging narcissistic boss, who blamed me when I was being harassed by a co worker or mistreated by a client. It caused me sever stress and almost ruined my career. It’s not ok. Grateful for the support of this community. ❤
He called me 'a generous spaz' the other day.
I'd just bought him a beautiful coat.
Im a bit damaged mentally from abuse so that's why he called me 'spaz'.
Then he picked on features of my body I'm sensitive about.
Insurmountable cruelty.
It's over.
No contact.
If only our entire society could be taught to not listen , follow , engage with , get entangled with or tolerate those who can be defined as narcissists through the way they interact with others on a regular basis the human race may have a chance at survival .
In my humble opinion , while the interpersonal entanglements and interactions are impactive , it's the macro abuse the majority of citizens of this planet are and have been enduring by those who have overstepped their purpose as managers of services and have entitled themselves as "rulers" that is putting all life on this planet in jeopardy .
Thank Dr , this was a good video 👍
My mother had BPD and father was a narcissist. As my mother aged, the narcissism part of BPD became more prominant.
Yes, my parents wanted the deference without the accountability.
I did go No Contact with my mother (father had passed away by then). From what others shared when she passed, my mother wanted to apologize, but her apologies were not apologies so she was advised against "apologizing" because she couldn't.
It also shows how entitled she thought she was by trying to force communication on me when I went No Contact.
Narcs are all about forcing
They so do. For decades even. And then when they mirror it it’s even more pernicious.
not being supported and affirmed by my parents caused me to lose the distinction between good and bad choices. I find the only way to myself is to choose good. It took me 3 years to learn to choose good. I did not see a difference in doing. I just saw doing regardless of consequences. Seeing the pseudo morality of some is getting much easier. Today this behavior is known as virtue signaling. They say what is virtuous but their heart is dark and evil.
Narcissists cannot be healed. I see it clear now. Thanks. 💜
Not even the best effort in the world could.
My hope with the uptick in rude and outright nightmare customers after the pandemic is that my thank yous, patience, easy going nature, leaving a clean table with our child and his friends, a good tip, and a smile at least gives the hispitality staff where ever we go a moment to breathe and less stress.
This stuff should be taught in school, ongoing, starting young and continuing throughout school. There is so much to know and it could help so many people.
This is 💯 the situation I am in with my family, as I exert boundaries around the older abusive narcissistic family members who have caused me severe pain and stress, and I am then shamed blamed gaslit invalidated and guilted by my parents to just forgive and forget and be around them no matter what to keep the family together and to please my parents, despite the severe harm it has done me and my life. It’s stressful and heartbreaking but I’d rather be by myself. Prioritizing my safety and well being while standing strong in the truth. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
With vitctims waking up and not willing to put up with this crap anymore, eventually the abusers will have no one to crap on except themselves.
I don't know how old you are, but hope you can remember that nobody can force you to let them remain in their lives (assuming you are an adult and not financially dependent on them.) If you find that spending time with someone consistently leaves you feeling worse about yourself or stressed out, you have every right to limit their access to you or even cut them out of your life outright. People like to act like we owe some huge debt to our parents for raising us, but did you ask to be conceived or raised? You don't have any obligation to make yourself available to your family for their abusive behavior. If you can afford to see a therapist, I cannot overstate how helpful they are. Either way, I hope you find a path to a peaceful life where you can be surrounded by people who respect and validate you.
100% agree that there needs to be a database for people's entitled behavior complete with pictures and video of the behavior. Let the employees wear body cams to enforce their point of view and how they're being treated.
Yes. I had this experience with a two star general jag ( lawyer ) of the Jewish faith. He said to me: you Christians are supposed to turn the other cheek . ( this when I was wronged and he was protecting senior officials ). Someone outside the faith, misinterpreting and weaponizing my faith against me. For the sake of swallowing injustice.
I have come to understand much about people of that faith. He wasn't an anomaly.
I love the Cape Cod story. I used to work at an airport where people had private planes and loved to brag about the places they'd been. It was hard to feign the feeling of being impressed when 1) there is always someone with a newer, bigger plane, and 2) all I could think about was how they must have been to service industry workers in that locale. 😂😂
It was why I decided if I ever came into a lot of money, I wouldn't necessarily want too many people to know about it.
@cc1k435, I love the Cape Cod story also. Speaking of spoiled entitlement, when the global financial crisis hit in 2008, I personally didn't suffer it too much, but two "ladies who lunch" were sitting next to me at an upscale restaurant in New York City. I was alone, so it was almost impossible not to eves drop on their conversation.
In a semi crying kind of voice, one said, "Bernard says we will have to sell the Mercedes and one of the boats! He won't part with the Bentley, she said, as she reached into her alligator skin handbag for a tissue. Her friend asked,
"Which boat would he be putting up for sale?"
"The sixty five footer that we keep in Miami will have to go!!!" she said, while dabbing the tears away from her heavily made up eyes. "Oh, honey, it's just unbearable, and Bernard is just BESIDE HIMSELF!!!"
I'll never forget that lunch!
@Jeanog 😆 Would've thought they were going to have to take a job as an office temp or move into an ungated neighborhood. You know, the kind where you don't have household staff. 😱
@@cc1k435, 😂Oh, honey, the HORROR of it all! 🤣
Macro empathy for a group that the narc is not ever going to interact with is virtue signaling-a ploy to aggrandize themselves at your expense. Love this term!🎯
Yes Yes Yes Abuse Is Abuse No Matter What Form It Is And Its Absolutely Unacceptable. Thank You For This So Much Dr. R
Your absolutely 💯 percent correct god forbid if we speak our truth on anything…. Narcissists can’t handle that and it’s definitely a one way street when it comes to that with them 😢
I just had a nightmare job interview. It became clear almost immediately that I was far more qualified and experienced than this my potential new boss. I tried to be humble in my responses
But she was hell bent on weaponising all my attributes in my CV... OOOH so is there anything you don't know, was one of her attacks delivered mockingly
😪
I was attacked personally in a job interview too because of my expertise in my field by my narc boss. I was polite but nowadays I would have pushed back at her inappropriate comments and left.
Nowadays you can just turn off Zoom and slip the middle finger emoji..
@@KS0102 😂😂😅
It was a Zoom interview.
I just sat there watching this lady a stranger on one hand acknowledging that I am a brilliant Scientist...then insidiously tearing me down .... and she was alone... I am now weary of non panel interviews.
Here in Australia, during covid, the law was changed to protect service staff from aggression. It's now a felony to bully service staff. Not sure how well it's enforced
Wow. Has it helped?
Not enforced at all I suspect.
@@robinantonio8870, likely enforced only when covid “mandates” are questioned. Narcissistic politicians don’t like their control schemes questioned.
I'm Australian, and I've never seen bad rudeness to service staff here. Dismissiveness and superior manners, yes, but not yelling and abuse. I've worked as a waitress also.
@@robinantonio8870 , likely only enforced on those going against the Covid narrative, otherwise not at all. Likely Australians never needed such a law, given they don’t seem to abuse service staff. So now it’s a felony, that figures, and Australians just go along with such government evil.
The path forward is hell. The only way out is through
I’ve never had the money or patience for restaurants. Sitting with strangers while someone else touches your food is weird. Just avoid them, problem solved.
"Telling a narcissist to please be kind is like telling a child to choose celery over the cake at a birthday party."
No wonder I'm keeping info about me to myself. I've jumped sighed subjects. I'm constantly witnessing examples of weaponizing.
Great video! thank you! 🙏 the version „ I‘m only so brutaly honest because I love you“ is still my top runner for most disgusting, grotesk, perverted Nrc-sentences🥇… especially from parents 🤮
Oh my god this is FANTASTIC!!
I'm laughing so much, because it's so great to hear this articulated.
The relief, to hear the madness described!
Rock on Dr. Ramani! XX
I am stuck with not going no contact with my toxic mother. When I go no contact, my younger sister gets the abuse, so I am drawn back to give my sister a break! 😢
Thank you Dr. Ramani. You’re brilliant and so kind to share this with us. I was a waitress basically out of high school, and when I was treated bad, (looking back) I thought I had to accept abuse or absolute rudeness, from bosses and customers. As time went on, and I gained confidence and maturity, I would not hold my tongue when someone was rude, or my boss was screaming drunk, thus I knew my time in the serving industry was over, and boy I’m glad it is!!! :)
"I don't sugar coat things" is one I've heard as well... sorry not sorry.. just being brutally honest Dr. Ramani... lol.. couldnt resist 😆
Thank you Thank you Thank you so much for this! My ex boyfriend turned his empathy on and off all the damn time and it really really really confused the heck out of me so much. He had empathy when it benefited him and he showed fake empathy towards me sometimes for more supply from me. Remember Narcissists can be mater manipulators and it completely sucks because it really does a number on your whole well being at least it did for me it’s terrible. The day I got the discard from him I honestly think he set me free and it still hurts me emotionally like hell. 😢 I don’t understand why people are out there in the world that are doing this to us it makes me so sick to my stomach and so very sad 😢 😢😢😢.
My late husband had no empathy and even admitted it! And, my oldest narcissistic sister admitted it as well. And no remorse as neither one saw it as a problem.
@@jokendrick2124 I’m so sorry to hear that that’s awful 😢
Being able to turn it in and off seems like it was never there.
I have to really harden myself and ignore things to keep from being overwhelmed.
It’s a reflex for me and idk which is better really.
@@jhoughjr1 I’m so sorry to hear that 😢. I was literally so confused and torn up when my ex boyfriend would turn it on and off because it was all about supply and never sincere he was playing me and I feel like such a fool 😢
Such a good question you bring up with this video! How to stay with your principles and stay kind-hearted and at the same time weaponize yourself against the bullies and narcicists..
"My mest up health and mind are the inscription on that stupid monument " I don't know why I found that so funny but boy did it make me cackle. So relatable.
I know plenty of people who use the phrases " I'm just being honest" or " I tell the truth, I do" . These people are so unaware of the hurt they inflict on others when they show such little tact and empathy. I went to school with a handful of people like this - I can still feel those emotions.
An individual being “brutally honest” is a malignant narcissist 100% of the time.
They're never proud of the 'honesty' part
They also flip out if anyone ELSE is honest about something they didn't want anyone to know; even when it is a reasonable thing to discuss.
What about an empath victim of narcissistic abuse being brutally honest by telling their abuser how harmful and disrespectful their behavior is?
Inaccurate. There are people with ASD and Asperger's that can come off this way too without being narcissistic. Sometimes even because they legitimately want to help someone and know time can be valuable. Not to mince words.
The difference seems to be when the narcissist will just say things that aren't constructive at all, or at least not practical for the time/ situation.
While someone else doing so will admit they don't know what to do, or have advice that actually helps that person have power to help themselves.
The narcissist usually will either "help" in a way of transaction; the hidden "they owe me now" part of giving advice etc. They rarely will admit they can't help or don't know how to help. And most often seems they will just say things that are "honest" to hurt others and to make them feel weak.
The greatest weapon the Narcissist uses against you is self doubt.
They do. I feel so powerless to do anything to keep myself me.
I’m so glad I watched this! So very much coming up for me that is ringing true not only in my own family but other people I know too 😢
Good morning. That is really a shame how some people act! Everyone is different, but whoever you are, ACT HUMAN when you're out and amongst people. This is my personal opinion, and I cannot control what people do in my Restaurants. However, i can ask them to LEAVE.
Used to if a man was rude in public, other men would immediately chastise him.
It’s rare now as ppl don’t care
There are still such men, thank God
I remember in Florida there was a business that had a sign on the front desk that said, “If you are rude, you won’t be served.”
Patience, tolerance, forbearance, kindness, concideration, empathy, compassion, long suffering, slow to anger, forgiveness, non-contentiousness, civility....
All these traits are loved by narcissists..... IN OTHERS !!!
They personally see no value in them. But they delight to find them in others, and use them as tools to empower themselves to abuse and dominate their intended victims.
Narcissists: Can't live with them, can't live with them. They will always take your highest virtues and weaponize them against you
They get to know what is important to you and then demean those things in order to trigger a response from you and then turn around and tell you how you wounded them… “It hurts me that I can’t have my own thoughts and feelings without it hurting you in some way.” Then they are the victim and you are the abuser.
You just nailed my narc sister.
Extremely helpful and timely video about how to handle customer aggression. Thanks for this; we are so lucky that Dr. Ramanii shares her thoughts.😊
Yes, I went through it. Thank you.
I am speechless. Just got back from a work conference and this exact thing happened on our lunch at the hotel. I was verbally attacked by a narcissist when I said we were probably "Hangry." I said this to calm the tension down and was punished with a verbal lashing. Ouch! I believe the restaurant's kitchen was understaffed and a few just fumed and fumed the whole time. This video describes the experience to a T. Thank you!
Right on. No excuses for behaving badly. Or if it happens- a must to make amends. I too have had the fortunate misfortune of falling from grace in between prestigious employment. It was like a covert lesson in humility and human behavior.
I’ve worked at the post office for 17 years, it is beyond the most toxic and damaging place to work ever, it has changed me as a person and I don’t like who I am and also living with my narcissistic husband for 30 years I’m now a raging alcoholic because of all of the stress I’m under on top of very bad issues with my children because of my husband 😢😢😢😢
Hence the reason I forsee the return of the sign "we reserve the right to refuse anyone" this is course is based off of customers treatment if staff and services only...
I teach private maths classes,also online. Had parents throwing tantrums if they have to pay before I book classes. Had to many people cancelling or just dropping me just before a class. What the heck? I have online counseling and also have to pay before my session. That is just how it works!
Good job on respect your elders. I was raised that way. Made it hard for me as an adult in jobs. Took a long time to recognize that elders were on same level and could be dealt with that way.
I believe respect is earned.
I’ve gotten into the habit of walking out after eating dinner at any restaurant because my husband is so abusive to employees, or just overly kind in an uncomfortable way it’s disgusting 🤢
If someone is rude to people who work in the customer service industry but are nice to you, at least at first, is definitely a reason to start questioning that individual’s moral compass. This is a bit off topic but just wanted to see if this was worth asking. What does a narcissist’s “rock bottom” tend to look like? Thank you so much for all your videos, they honestly have saved my life from so much pain and suffering. I will always be in your debt!
My mom is NPD and hit rock bottom.
She lost her job because she felt she was above basic rules. Casually would take time off whenever, "just because", spent hours at work on the computer recreationally or chit chatting and the like.
When she lost her job she was struggling to afford things. She had tons of help from parents and grandparents, friends etc. More than most people. But still irresponsible because she expected to always get more.
My husband and I were just barely able to afford a rundown apartment in a ghetto slum. We didn't have help. Most of what help we were promised actually went to my mom. But she asked me to help her anyway.
About a month earlier she had stayed at my place for a "sleepover". We already saw signs of NPD but weren't sure. She wasn't very respectful about our parenting or relationship but most family wasn't.
That night I heard odd loud noises coming from my disabled son's room where my mom was sleeping. She knew of his chronic sleep issues and how it can cause him to seriously injure himself. Which is why I was apprehensive about the situation in the first place.
The noise was her laptop. At about 1-2 AM. Playing videos and clacking the keys. Suprisingly my son was asleep at least. But I tried to politely whisper "what are you doing?" Etc asked her to turn it off, she got louder as she protested and whined.
Asking her to my livingroom, she argued with me until I told her she could sleep in the living room but no more loud music, gave her headphones etc. She said she wouldn't be talked to like a child and that she would sleep in her car. Dramatically trying to guilt trip me.
She didn't say goodbye. She just left. Later telling my six year old that "mommy was mean and wanted grandma to leave!"
Then she asked me to let her live with us only a month or so after. "If I can't afford my place..." I felt confident if I said "yes" she would stop looking for work, and would move in immediately, disregarding our rules etc. I asked her why she was feeling this was going to be necessary and if she needed help finding work...she got very mad.
I said I would help her in any way I could, but that that was not one of the ways I can help (having her live with us).
She started angry crying and telling me I'm a b**** and how dare I treat her that way after she raised me (as you know...parents are supposed to LOL).
She later told family and friends that I was careless and cruel, explaining this in her own way I'm sure. Which cost my child some of his closest friends. That unfortunately he made through their grandparents knowing my very sociable and charismatic mother.
About 6 months later she started to drop hints about some secret between she and her sister, something regarding my grandma. I just thought she was being weird. We assumed maybe she was on drugs.
Idk how to condense the info leading up to it; but my mom and aunt schemed to take advantage of my grandma for her money.
Took her from her home, tried to deem her mentally unfit (about 5 doctors including her internal MD of a decade; deemed her mentally well enough to be independent). She did have limiting physical disabilities which is why she was trapped by my aunt and mother.
The cops and APS barely did anything because they trusted my aunt who is an RN and my mom who is a teacher. Plus laws don't so much to protect people in those situations.
They threatened me when I asked questions, and when they found out I called APS. I suddenly found myself fearing them. Especially when my mom told me over the phone "I NEED her money or I could end up homeless!!!" After I said they are killing her. "You're killing my grandma!!" (From neglect and abuse) and that was my mom's response.
My mom mentioned I have a lot of inheritance so I said if she is incapable of caring for herself I'd like them to use that money to put her in a home since they were incapable of helping her.
They ended up moving her to another state where assisted suicide is legal and they didn't tell me how...but my mom texted me that my grandma is dead. I couldn't get any information, city they were in or anything. So I cut them off.
I think my aunt might be a sociopath or psychopath. Though usually they are more successful. She used to brag about harming patients and she tried to drown my mom as a toddler, when my mom was a baby. She also became very cruel which was unexpected, when I became suspicious.
Last I heard they both live in a dilapidated little house in the sticks somewhere. Because they have poor resource management.
TLDR; Narcissists at rock bottom that feel desperate; get vicious, criminal, and feral, selfish to the extreme.
Why not change the sign from "please be kind", to, "our staff will not accept abusive behaviour". In the UK, there are signs, often with consequences, like, "we do not tolerate abusive behaviour, you will be asked to leave", etc. Perhaps we have more of a zero tolerance approach?
When someone lies to your face & smiles… that’s a BIG sign you are RIGHT …they tell on themselves
Wow this deep dive into how values can be manipulated is so helpful, thank you Dr. Ramani. The last bit regarding authenticity was especially eye opening…I’ve witnessed alot of bad behavior be excused away with “this is just who I am.” Authenticity should not have been ever used to do away with accountability for how someone is affecting other people.
"It is kindness day, now that I took note of that I'm gonna make sure I'm extra rude, because I can".
I remember eating in a place that had a "No Eating" sign I didn't see, my narcissistic friend pointed behind me and said "I really like stuff like that...", as I turned around I was almost finished, "...the mess, hehehe". I was really annoyed, although it wasn't a big deal and I didn't leave crumbs or anything, if I had seen it or he had told me I would have eaten outside. Nonetheless, it made it clearer to me what kind of person he was, even if on an otherwise unimportant situation.