When the invisible child grows up...
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- Опубліковано 11 лип 2021
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The invisible child is quiet and introverted to avoid the abuses. They stay out of the way and spend more time hidden in their room in introspection trying to figure out how to fix themselves so they can make the family happy.. Treated more like a servant than a child. This is the kid who's only friend is their pet. Being a scapegoat, the family shifts all their shame onto them.
That was Me ceil
I was the servant
Same here,
At one point, my dad tried to take the door off of my room, so I couldn’t “hid”. That was scary, because my solitude was the only thing I had.
I agree. Your description is pretty accurate.
Being the invisible child wires you to not need anyone. Ive been single for yrs and now i enjoy my peace. No one can hurt you when you don't allow them the access.
I am in that space now. I don't have the desire to date, get married or have kids. I like my quiet, peaceful and stable life. No ups and downs caused by a relationship. I only deal with myself and I am loving it everyday. Exactly what you said, no one can hurt me!
Sending you love 💛
Ditto here. Being alone means no one to inflict emotional pain, betray, ignore, or humiliate me.
It's just me and my two cats, neither of whom I'd ever treat like I was treated.
I was like that too... now I want more out of life. It's not... fair that others get to be way happier while I'm stuck in survival mode
But don't forget to rekindle the love in your heart.
Yes 🙌 Peace ☮️. I don’t have people to my home 🏡 who will judge.
Invisible child is also an unwanted child,and that makes the child more susceptible to become an empath.
They get everyone's point of view, but no one gets thief point of view. And they are so much used to adjusting, they adjust All the time.perfect narcissist supply
So important when your the empathy in all of this to learn to take care of yourself. Don't let them kill u.
Totally agree with you, my mother is the narcissist (and gets worse as she ages) I think the only thing I can thank her for, is how much empathy I have.
That rings true for me..
Yep! Agree
You are so right. When I was about 9 years old my mother said "you are not what I wanted" and she cried. So I grew up with the feeling of being neglected and unwanted. When I went off to college I thought nobody would want to talk to me or be friends with me.
Someone posted that having narcissistic parents is like having parents that throw you to the wolves then judge how and what you do to survive. This is why we were so quiet and withdrawn. To prevent this from happening once again.
" having narcissistic parents is like having parents that throw you to the wolves then judge how and what you do to survive" >> Yep. But there comes a time when those narcissistic parents are gone, having lost everything, no more surviving themselves. They get old and die, and lose everything, including the truth they never had, because they rejected it.
oooop me
@@elisazouza BUT, you made it out. 😊💕💕 So glad that you did. 😊
@@perfectlyimperfect3333 not yet sadly :( I’m still living with my parents, my dad isn’t like my mum who is the narcissist I just gotta escape and move out before it damages me more ♥️🥺🦋
@@elisazouza don’t be scared. I know it is going to be difficult and it is going to hurt. It will not hurt as much as it does where you are now. Sometimes it feels like we have to give up everything to get away from this kind of person. But, you will find it was worth it. Hang in there, never give up. You are aware and healing. You did not turn out like them. Hugs💕❤️
You’re basically treated as a non person and have no opinion. You do what you’re told to do without question.
You’re underestimated and disregarded.
Well Said!! Sorry 😐 you had to go through this!!
I wish I could copy this comment. This describes me, my boyfriend, my ex-husband, my high school friends. We were bound together by this pain.
@@aprillove10 And the spirit can not be broken. We just don't know that when we are young.
Yes! That sums up my whole life.
Wow you just wrote my childhood story
The invisible child is a low priority for school psychological services. They are quiet, try to always follow the rules, And try to not stand out in any way. I was so invisible that I did not know if I was short or tall, loud or quiet, a good student or a bad student.
My son, although very vibrant and outgoing at home was extremely quiet but no trouble at all! Still they called me in, had him tested, as a teen social services were called, omg, they'd of been happier had he been bullying and said as much! 🤦
I was outgoing at home with my parents and aunt, but very quiet when around my peers. I think it had to do with being bullied and never being comfortable being myself. I still feel more comfortable around people who are older than me rather than people my age and younger. Maybe I would be more outgoing among my peers if I was never bullied, but I'll never know.
Yup!!!!!! Understand this totally. Hugs.
I was bullied at school though, in elementary and jr. high. I think I was my normal self at home with people I knew
12 years of school & never once raised my hand to answer a question. I knew my mother did not want me. She told me when I grew up she didn't want me to live in the same town.
Too all the invisible children reading this. I see you and I love you. You survived, you are so incredibly special and I’m proud of you. ❤
What a lovely thing to say thankyou
Thank you
@ 7832
Tears 😢 filled my eyes as i read those soul touching words " You survived, you are so incredibly special" 🙏 Thank you 💖
Thank you. Lovely message ❤
Thanks
Yes just because we have learned to be alone and feel safe being alone doesn’t mean we don’t want to be seen and connect with people. It just means it’s challenging and unnatural to do
Exactly!!!! Perfectly said!
This is so true!Thankyou! 😊
For those who see this: may you find inner peace, heal from past traumas, and embrace change 💕🙏
Amen 🙏
Thank you !!
Thank you 🙏!! ❤️❤️💕❤️💕💕
Embracing change by releasing all my work from 5-8 years :)
Thank you!❤
Does anyone feel like they were flipped between scapegoat and invisible child?
Definitely. I can identify with both...
Being treated as invisible is a form of cruelty
Meeee
I've read that children in narcissistic families can hold several roles. I myself started as a Lost Child but was made into the Scapegoat once our narcissistic dad left us and my sister wanted to keep her golden child role.
I felt flipped between the invisible child, the scapegoat and the golden child. It just me depended on what served my parents at the time.
I am a grown-up "invisible child." At 48, I'm still struggling to work it out. I was made "invisible" for years by classmates. Then, I made myself "invisible" because that's where I thought I belonged. It felt safe, yet lonely. I was brainwashed. I'm finally "waking up", but it's a process. Thank you for making me feel "visible" and relevant with this video, and educating people!
I am a grown up invisible child too. It is an ongoing process.
It took me over a half century to get into the path of healing. You already realized that there’s a process, a way out of this role inflicted on you. Stick to this hope, especially in the low points of the process. It will pay off persevering in this hope. 🙏🏻
I hope you are continuing your journey of healing
@@queleene84 thank you! That's super thoughtful of you! I have come a long way since this video.
@joea1377 I'm happy to hear that. I am doing a deep dive into Dr Ramani's content because of a child I love who has a narcissist for a mother and your comment really touched my heart. Keep growing and living your best life!
"The ability to be alone and take care of yourself "....... This hit so hard on so many levels, my entire life explained in a 10 minute video .Thank you for your validation Dr. Ramani.
I feel the same. Hugs👍
I think a lot of friends seek us out for advice because they see us surviving isolation more handily than anyone they know and envy that strength. But it ain’t fun.
Yes I’m in the same boat as you
@@lartisteautravail this is so true. I’m a therapist now. I’ve had to figure things out for so long on my own. Love having resources and theories to back it all up now.
This is me, as a child I tried to blend in with the wallpaper. As an adult I prefer being alone, I like being anonymous, I hate being the centre of any attention. My ability to look after myself and go it alone has been a constant throughout my life. It’s taken me a very long time to realise my childhood was not normal and it has made me what I am.
Plus an adult that was an "invisible child" tends to be uncomfortable receiving compliments or accolades. They tend to downplay their talents or contributions. They tend to be givers without expecting anything in return. They tend to "turn the other cheek" when people insult them or "suck it up" when they are hurt. These traits make prime targets for narcissists who are just fine with keeping a person feeling, behaving and looking like an invisible person.
Then we must be twins. However, I rise to the occasion when I see bullying or other serious forms of abuse against underdogs in a situation.
@@JohnLW100 -- Yes, oddly, for me, I used to stand up for others before I would stand up for myself!
Boy Howdy! Oh yea!
Yes!!! 1000% correct
Wow, just wow.
I was defiantly an invisible child. I'm still invisible at 41 because I'm not comfortable being visible.
I was that way ALL. MY. LIFE. it was around 50 years old that i realized my narc no longer can control me, to shush me, to dictate to me. I AM a good person and have the right to be happy. Its a process, but in a nutshell, i had no more f*cks to give, what people think about me (or more accurately what i told myself they think about me). It is freeing! So put on that purple shirt with the red shorts and be SEEN!
@@kims5561 Roger that!!!
You are a beautiful creation, and you were made for a specific purpose. I hear you, and encourage you to love all that you are. You are worthy, and your life has meaning.
Aaargh! Me too!
57 and friendless. Shocked I got married at all, to a covert narc, of course. He is not nearly as bad as my mother, so we get along.
Textbook invisible child here. So when my narcissistic mother told me she wanted an abortion when she was pregnant with me, she actually expected me to feel sorry her as abortion was illegal at the time. She couldn't understand why I was hurt by that - what? this isn't about you, it's about me! Also, in that very moment when she said it all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place and I understood why I have always felt like an unwelcome guest in my childhood "home".
For me I was my mother's scapegoat she hated my guts my entire life but I was completely invisible to my narc dad. One day when I was 20 he told me that he wanted me aborted and she refused because of religion. It answered all of my questions, why he always pretendes like I don't exist and why she was always punishing me for existing.
same my mom said she never wanted to have 2nd child only gave birth because of my father and he said he only wanted 2nd child so my elder sister won't get spoiled. but she's golden spoiled kid. and i remember those words evertime my sister is being selfish narc. she even have nerve to talk about me being selfish when i'm only trying to think one fking time for my own good.😂 this words hurts especially more if you are invisible kids and only become visible when they need something from you. otherwise you are like a toy which is thrown in back of cupboard.
You are very welcome into this world! Thank you for being born! You are very important and we are all connected!!
Take the best care of yourself as it is the most important thing you can do. Then when you overflow with love you give it to people in need. 💙💙💙
Fucking deep. This shit almost made me cry...From a 41 yr old woman born in a Hindu culture, family and religion. So hard trying to stop this cycle. But it has with me. ☝️☄❤
Yes, it is deep! I felt like my life was being described.
Indian families and their constant need to control each other’s life is so damaging. Being in an Indian family that is Narcissistic is so disappointing.
I come from the very middle (4th daughter) of an orthodox Mormon family which resulted in 7 daughters (no brothers), a very mean and narcissistic father and neglectful mother. Even now (42 yo) I struggle with the push/pull of wanting to express myself but also feeling like I honestly do not matter in this world. I can relate to almost everything Dr is saying.
@@sarahviktoria8494 You DO matter in this world. I understand because I felt that way my whole life. I'm 65. I'm learning now how we were made to feel that way, but we are so much more than that. You have a lot to offer and say.
From Southern Baptist here. No children...buck stops here. Good for all of us to celebrate our knowledge and achievements in getting our lives in order. Knowledge is powerful.
I'm still amazed at how much information just 1 person has for narcissistic personality disorder. I love listening to you and the information you give is amazing.
Right??? I was always thinking, how long can she keep saying about this, but here we are lol
Not gunna lie, the traits i developed by being neglected are my favorite character defects to this day lol. Like if you're gunna drop the ball as a parent, go with some light to moderate neglect.
We never close! 😘
If only you would have seen these videos and listened to all the red flags before you met the person. SMH 🤦♀️
Could of saved myself several years of wasting my time.
She is a find 💜👌
I find the idea that invisible children may find it easier to break free of the family system to be so true. What do you owe people who never gave you anything, and never noticed you or your suffering?
And there seems to be less hoovering.
You ow them absolutely nothing! On the positive- you had the strength to break free!
I agree, I was ignored and blamed for my brother. But now as an adult-I don’t care about them or their attempts to manipulate me.
Wow, it is so painfully true.
I was left to my own devices.
That is if you are aware of what’s going on. If you are not they will manipulate you with guilt and make you feel like you owe them for existing. Perfect target for lifetime of exploitation
The Silver Lining is true of the Invisible Child. Even the adult codependent can be quite comfortable with being alone and pretty ok in adverse circumstances. Invisible Adult Children can be resourceful and resilient. Difficulties lie in attachment and self-esteem.
I LOVE this ... so true
Being comfortable in adverse situations, is cold comfort if you are there because you can never be okay in any other circumstance. One is chosen and the other is a prison.
For 70 years I was invisible, and what it has taught me is, how to be patient, and to look for the good in my life, and in others, plus, after studying, Personality Disorders,(from the DSM-5,and yours and others videos)for the last three years, and while I wish that I had understood what was going on sooner, I’m more than grateful to understand what was going on now, and to value the person that I have become. 💪🏽💐Thanks.
I love this. I am 50, and newly grateful I learned when I did, since your comment. Thank you.
This a beautiful and mature comment.
More power to you!!
wow. truly incredible inspiration, as the invisible child and scapegoat myself that is now an adult reconizing these realities, makes me feel like can I hold onto the value of who I have become from these it, no matter how painful. my heart is deeply moved, thank you
Thank you for sharing. You are beautiful and strong. So am I.❤
I'm too an invisible child but I just focus on what I want in life and put on earphones and play song. and believe god is with me and would guide me.
Music is a good and reliable friend.
I do the same thing
That's really good that people can do it. I was too focussed on being sad and looking for someone to come and rescue me. Very helpless mentality i had.
Music always told me about the family I needed, but never made me feel ashamed about it. It was always a hopeful breath of fresh air to hear good stories about other people.
A good set of headphones, some tunes, hit shuffle, and feel the relief, that's my prescription.
Stay Strong 💪
Aren't headphones great for that? And don't give up. I definitely think He helped me get out and no doubt He'll help you too. Either way, you are loved.
My father ridiculed my "invisible child" sister in front of his sister and her kids for being a bedwetter. That was brutal. My sister was deeply traumatized by it. She grew up to have narcissistic traits, lack of empathy, very entitled, impulsive. I was the punching bag. What kills me is adult family members who witness that brutality, and say nothing, just look the other way. Really, shame on my mother, and my father's family for not correcting him. He regularly spoke to us with contempt in public (a big red flag of abuse). His family would just laugh it off as if it were innocuous sarcasm. But we felt the stab of hatred in his words. It was a multitude of contemptuous and hateful things he said and did. The cursing, slapping and hair pulling, he did behind closed doors. He left so many psychic scars on all of us kids. A grown man treating little girls like that. My mother was vain, and a coward to keep him in our house.
Sadly if he thinks its fine to treat his children like that he probably learned it from his own family. Only someone from the outside or someone inside who's seen the wrong in the situation are able to change things. Ive been on both ends. My mom is very narcissistic and my brother in law got my sister and i to "see the light". Im trying to get my bf to see how narcissistic his mom is but its extremely difficult to get ppl to see the truth unless theyre already on the verge of finding it. The narcissist will never change tho. The only way to really fix the situation is to put up serious boundaries or cut contact entirely
@@bropoke6799 Yes, my "invisible child" sister always manipulated my mom by playing the poor neglected one. She had to learn how to manipulate my mom, just to have some sense of safety, but it caused her to become entitled. When I didn't go along with her attempts to control me, she would sic my mother on me. She learned by watching my father, how to treat me, like a stupid loser to be disrespected. Now that my parents have passed, she pitches a fit I try to lay down a boundary for my time and energy. Of course, as scapegoat, I was programmed that I am not deserving of consideration or respect, so I was not helping the situation with my people pleasing behaviors. I have gone no contact with that sister. Thanks for your reply. Thanks Dr. Ramani.
God bless you, Bonnie. Don't let the monster steal your future. You are bigger than he is.
Bonnie L, imagine how 'mental' one has to be to get their joy by beating up little girls. Yet, when they look in the mirror, they see a powerful, almighty ruler who commands respect...or better yet, fear. You survived that. That's an amazing feat. Your mom was terrorized too. But I agree that her cowardly behavior was almost as bad. You must have felt trapped with no safe place to turn.
Parents are supposed to protect ther children, especially mothers. It so sad that innocent children have to suffer for the decisions adults make. My mother didn't protect me either. The pain is real.
After my parents passed away, I began looking at old family photos. I found a prom picture for every child (taken at home before leaving for the prom) except for me. And then I remembered my prom night. My Mom had a church meeting which she did not want to give up, and my Dad was repairing televisions in the basement (his evening job). Neither one met my date when he rang the doorbell. There was no picture taking. I was very quiet and shy, and stayed in my room a lot at home. I did avoid some of the abuse. My older brother received most of that (from my Dad). It has taken me most of my adult life to realize that these things were not my fault. I grew up in a dysfunctional family. Later in life, when my son was young, I would not leave him alone with my Mom and Dad (if I could help it). I remembered some of their dynamics, and did not want to subject him to those. He was a precious little boy who did not deserve to be yelled at or criticized constantly. He is now a grown man, and I hope and pray I raised him in an emotionally healthy home. I tried!
💙💙💙
As tears stream down my face I write to tell you how much your work means to me. I will turn 60 years old in 1 month and have just come to realize I am the invisible child. Every video brings more knowledge be it somewhat painful, it is a relief. My father was the narcissist. I married a narcissist and finally after 25 years took a leap of faith and left Mr. Narcissist. I don’t know what healing will look like but I’m on my way and free. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
You sound amazing, I hope it’s been getting better for you in the last few years❤
congrats.
That was me. I was the invisible child. I still enjoy time alone as a 55 year old adult and have been able to have a much healthier outlook than my sister who turned out to be exactly like my mother. But it took a while. I still have family members , who believed the BS my mother fed them about me, say to me "you're doing very well in your career considering you were such a late bloomer". I want to grab them and explain what kind weight I was carrying around for the rest of the family. Because when I wasn't invisible I was everyone else's emotional tampon and none of them wanted to lose that and played every kind of gas light technique to keep me where I was. I guess I was a late bloomer but not because I chose that. But I'm so glad that I am now free from that.
"Emotional tampon"
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It truly sounds like we have lived parallel lives. Reading someone else’s story that is so similar to mine has made me, in a way, feel less alone. These videos are a Godsend for me. The more I watch & read comments, the stronger I get mentally to hopefully get the courage to find a good therapist.
late bloomers rock! I am almost 76 years old and beginning interning in a new (my third) career - alcohol and drug counseling - it is never too late! I am so grateful for who and where I am today and for you and your insight.
@@patriciaswayne how do you become a drug and alcohol counselor. Live in Indiana, would love to help that way!!
Agree wholeheartedly, me too and the “emotional tampon”resonates, I used to describe myself as the dustbin or tissue to absorb and clean up other peoples mess or punch bag to take their anger out on meanwhile remaining quiet and staying calm. This is why I had so many health issues mainly food disorder and anxiety as you cannot process or talk about YOUR emotions or feelings
that was a bar and a half at the end
"no greater agony than bearing an unseen reality"
...yes, that winded me.
@@antoinetterivera7565 she must read a lot, to be so literally sound.
i'm so lazy to read
Sad but very true for me. The hurt was overwhelming.
This is my husband. The Invisible Middle. Just a couple days ago he finally said "I only want things in my life which bring me joy." and decided to cut and run. 🥰 Now he has the long but delicious, fruitful road of discovering what that means. I guess we all do, we're all in this together. 🖤
❤❤❤❤❤🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉you gave him what he needed ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Sounds like a lot of friends I had growing up who came from single mother homes. Those kids were so quiet and beaten down, they were like ghosts or shadows.
One boy who stood out was a very talented artist, all he did was draw during class. He had the most absences in school but he won the art award out of the entire graduating class because his art teacher took notice of his talent even though he barely showed up to school. His own father said when they called his sons name he couldn’t believe it and his mother didn’t even go to the ceremony. This kid would build life sized dinosaurs and movie monsters when he was 11 and costumes and his mother would damage them as an excuse to throw it all away. I remember how talented he was, we all would make monster movies together with his creations and help him build it. No photos were ever taken by his single mom. She would just scream at him for making a mess which he always cleaned just to get us out of her house or backyard, he became more and more isolating that he dropped out of school when he was 12.
Last I saw him he was with a girl who was very abusive to him and kept him from all of us. He let go of his dreams and vanished out of everyone’s lives. It’s a shame how an extremly talented kind kid can be pummeled down by horrible parenting that they end up in relationship as adults with someone similar to there abusive parent that it stunts there life. His mother single handled ruined that kid and his dad divorced her and was to much of a wimp to protect his own sons upbringing from that psychopath.
Invisible child here, whose mom did the exact same thing to me. Nothing like having my six foot long dragon puppet kicked to shreads for « being in the way and looking bad anyway ». I am now a professional in the film industry and have worked several art departments. It is possible to live the dreams. Please let him know that he is an adult and can even have an entire art room if he wants. I just got mine, and I lock it because it makes me feel good that my art is protected.
What a sad story of wasted talent. With love and support I bet he could've headed an animation studio or something.
That is really sad. I often think that sons of narcissistic solo mothers must just have a hellish time. Women already have the upper hand with regard to relationship manipulation skills let alone holding all the other cards with it (victimhood status society gives to solo mothers - sorry but its true), women’s rights, targeting of men, particularly white men. I have noticed men often seem to end up with a partner who mirrors their mother’s treatment of them. My nephew is a tall v handsome nice young man. He married a short fat vitriolic borderline young woman. No one can really understand why. But I know why, I saw how his narcissistic mother treated him when he was just a young child. He had a younger sister and she was the golden child and he was the black sheep and scapegoat. His father and mother were together but his father was a pushover and allowed the mother to verbally abuse him. Then when his sister was 9 and he was 11 or 12, they got into a car accident and the sister was killed. Suddenly he became the golden child instead. And over the years he developed a few narcissistic tendencies but I think the effect of being verbally abused in his early years stayed with him.
I feel this thread is steadily becoming a "blame the solo mothers" / "blame the women" thread.
Let me stop you right now, good people.
Of course some single mothers might be abusive.
Guess what ? some single fathers can be too.
In "traditional" families (with mother and father) it can be either of them (even if, from personnal experience, I've seen way more abusive father than abusive mother).
To get back to single mothers, please consider that what sometimes appear like neglect or abuse is nothing more than an exhausted parent who come home from work late, and still have to take care of all the chores. They simply don't have the time nor energy to give their child all the attention they require.
It's not ok.
But please do not mix up narcissistic abusive parent with overwhelmed ones doing all they could.
To finish, many single mothers are wonderful mothers raising their kids very well.
Don't blame them all just because you know a few who are abusive.
(And consider that narcissistic single mothers couldn't exist without the oh so neglectful father that he is completly absent. But we never blame the absent, do we ?)
@@tsuba666 No we are not carte blanche blaming solo mothers. Of course there are mothers who are doing a great job and who are struggling with getting everything done. And no the abusive fathers don’t get a free pass either. It is just being noted that there ARE also abusive solo mothers who do have a damaging impact on their children and there is very little to buffer children from that abuse. And that side of solo parenting is not often acknowledged - and the psychological damage to the children goes unseen and unacknowledged. And partly that IS because there has been a trend in society in recent years to uphold an image of mothers - and solo mothers, as long suffering paragons of virtue. When the reality is that is certainly not always the case. And perhaps young boys who do not have fathers in their lives fulfilling the role of positive male role model will suffer greatly but silently as a result of that.
Being an invisible child can set you up for being the scapegoat as an adult. You are already discounted by your family to begin with, so if you have a strong sense of self, and your family feels threatened by that (by your being "different'), watch out! You'll be considered an "outlier", and since they now think that something is "wrong with you", this lays the groundwork for you being abused; especially if you do something that the family doesn't agree with, or that they find to be morally repugnant. You will be punished, ostracized and possibly removed from the family. You make it official by going "no contact". But were you ever a part of the family, anyway? It still hurts though, and the grief is real and lasts a long time.
this
I can see this in my husband who was never really encouraged to do what he wanted to do,but has always done what everyone else wants him to do. It is quite sad that I don't think he even knows who he is because he mirrors everyone he is around. He has three younger sisters who always have the spotlight so he has grown up in the shadow of them. It is so difficult to watch this and not make him see what has happened all his life. He is emotionally abusive to me, but to him it is "normal" since that is what he grew up with. I have not let him into me head or heart like I used to. I keep thinking that if he would let go of his family, then our lives would be so much better. Not sure how the story ends, but I am taking it day by day.
@@s.s.8029 My husband is not abusive (although there is a spectrum of dysfunctionality and neglect). He had a similar background to your husband's, in that he was never allowed to have a voice. This resulted in an eating disorder, workaholism, with covert incest from his mother being a contributing factor. His high level of "agreeableness" has caused problems for him and for our marriage (see Dr. Todd Grande, Ph.D.). So, I basically gave him an ultimatum, and he has been in therapy and working with a dietician to gain weight. He had to want this to save our marriage. I also see my faults more clearly, and know that we still have a ways to go. Are you comfortable with telling your husband to get therapy due to the abuse? And what about you?
@@chocolate-eq6jn I am glad that your husband is getting help and I pray for your continued journey. My husband was more of a husband to his mother and a father to his sisters, so it has caused major problems in our marriage with his sisters trying to care for him as their father (I was never liked because I "stole" their big brother from them). Once or twice I suggested marriage counseling (which I know is not always reccomended in abusive situations), he briefly agreed, but then decided that we didn't need it. The money thing was always an issue, too. He has not worked on our marriage at all in 22 years. I did try to leave right before COVID hit, but I stayed and I am glad that I did because I was able to stay at home with our three older sons while he continued to work. I know that I can leave in the future. I realize that he has no spine and no concept of who he truly is (only what everyone expects him to be). I lived that way for almost 16 years before I awoke to the fact that I wasn't me anymore. Now that I have ME back, I feel so much better. No more people pleasing and I know who I am and where I am headed. I did do free therapy for 5 sessions and it helped greatly. She was amazed at how far I had come on my own. I do have supportive people around me who see the dysfunction. I know my own flaws, but have learned to embrace them and am working on them. Thank you for your insights. I am not sure that he would ever do therapy, for multiple reasons.
@@s.s.8029 Thank you for your kind words and keeping me in your prayers. I will remember you, as well.
The invisible child is usually the ugly duckling, they grow into a beautiful swan that has no idea what they are. No idea of their potential, and how to harness it.
When I was young I would get headaches because I was too afraid to ask for water. I couldn't advocate for myself, and I struggle to do that till this day.
My therapist will remind me that I am important and it makes me feel uncomfortable hearing that, because I feel exposed and selfish.
I'm very grateful for this video, I relate to every word. Therapy made a huge difference, and I would encourage everyone to find someone to talk to. It may take a few tries, because some therapists wont get it, and sometimes we cover up the pain we endure because we dont want to upset the status quo. Learning to be totally honest about ourselves with someone we can truly trust is liberating.
Comments like this are nudging me toward therapy - thank you for that. I'm very aware of the dynamics at play, but I've built up so many harmful beliefs that are hard to shake at 32.
You mention feeling "exposed and selfish." What's up with narcs calling children selfish? Anytime I dared to express an unacceptable feeling or need to my parents, I was called spoiled and selfish. If I failed to express a need to someone outside the family, I was told to stand up for myself more. Being pulled in two very different directions by the same people really messed with me.
I saw how my mom would lord her success over me as a kid, telling me that I would never have any of it. I never wanted to be like that to anyone. It's hard to be ambitious when I feel like I'd be giving in to that type of thinking. At this point, I'll consider myself a success if I never make a child feel the way I did/do.
I would frequently get bloody noses growing up. Just out of the blue. When it happened in class, I was too afraid to draw attention to myself so I didn't tell anyone. I just looked up at the ceiling, and waited for it to stop. Did not ask to go to the bathroom because I did not want to draw attention to myself. Mrs. White, 3rd grade. She was a witch.
One time she passed out workbooks, but she told us not to write in them. I guess I forgot, because, well, its a WORK BOOK!! There were questions and blanks to fill in and multiple choice and connect the lines to the correct answer. I got consumed with doing the work.... I had a freshly sharpened pencil in my MOUTH with the pointy end touching the roof of my mouth. Mrs. White was walking up and down the aisles of desks, she came up behind me, saw I had written in the WORKBOOK and completely by surprise she smacked the back of my head, and it drove the pencil into the roof of my mouth. I was shocked and just sitting there with my mouth open and the pencil dangling there. Then she yelled at me and told me to erase my marks. I don't think she ever knew what she did to me.
Bad things happened to me outside the home, but when I told my mom about it, I don't think she ever did anything about it, and I don't think she even told my dad. I think my father WOULD have done something, I should have told him. It sucks growing up and knowing that you don't REALLY have anyone who will really be there for you no matter what.
therapy isnt free.
Oh God. You're comment made me remember I was too scared to walk in the kitchen--i would get harassed that I was stealing food or yelled at that i didn't need food--- to get water so instead I would cup my hand and drink from the bathroom faucet. The memories you repress just to survive a scapegoat/invisible childhood
I would endure much pain & suffering as well because I didn't want to cause any issues
(waving hands in the air, jumping up and down) Here I am, see me, do you see me, do you hear me? As a child I remember standing behind my mother's chair as she visited with family, silently, moving as little as possible, not being seen, not being heard. I was a very good statue. Thank you Dr. Ramani for seeing me.
I’m so deeply touched by your sadness for invisible children. I am 74 now and am still sad that even my teachers ever wondered what was wrong with me. Maybe teachers are more aware of the mental health of children now. Once a year on my birthday my parents would have to really scratch their brains to come up with something to say to me before I blew out the candles. Then they would say “Maureen, you have such beautiful eyebrows and such beautiful handwriting!” That’s the only time I was noticed until my birthday rolled around and then they would repeat exactly what they said the year before because they hadn’t learned a thing a out me. My birthday is coming up and I always remember this. My parents are long gone but still I remember the sad invisible little girl.
My parents don't know a single thing about me. I even tell them stories about my child self and they don't know a thing, sometimes they lie and add more to the story, but yeah... the birthday thing trigfered me. You have such red hair. And You don't drink any soda...
I'm 35 and I've tried to go deep into these issues so that I can heal, but it torments me so much that I can only check stuff once a month, if Even...
My parents were extremely busy with 6 children jobs, and runnin a small farm. Dispite all this, they were very involved in helping others and work days at church camp and had guests for lunch on Sundays. I believe the narcissistic abuse came from my older sister who resented taking care of all the "babies" of which I was number 5, only 8 years younger than her. My sister 13 months older than me was also neglected but became more of the scapegoat and is now a classic narcisists herself. I don't even remember my birthdays except one with my sisters and a neighbor boy as a picnic in the yard ( we had a picture of it ). But I do think my teachers were somewhat aware and were extra kind to me whenever I acted out in school. I was very shy and did things sneakily during recess. That was my saving grace because had they called me out in public, I would have been devastated. Educaters all through my school years and even 2 years of college were afirming and gave me reason tokeep going. ( then I married a narissist which I only recently figured out ).
@@phyllisandpaullenz4461 thank You for sharing!
I am afraid of marriage myself... did You manage to recover a bit tho?
I currently suffer from mental illness, so I'm not that much of a "survivor", but, yeah, it takes it's toll...
@@Dianapumpkinhead113 I only discovered what a narcisissist is about three years ago after a Summer with a narciissitic daughter and that led me to learn about childhood trauma cptsd triggers and characteristics. After constantly watching UA-cam I have learned most struggles with my marriage of 51 years are the same. I tend to have attracted those kind of people all my life and I believe my people pleasing and not sticking up for myself actually makes them become narcissistic. I am trying to recover; not sure I can without getting some theraphy. But I did go no-contact with two sisters after they sucked me into their traps two times last Summer. That's a start. I am attending a group of seniors at my new church and am trying to shed some of my odd social behaviors. I see little improvements that are encouraging.
You are also an elocuent person who can share deeply touching stories with brevity and clarity. I felt like I was there while reading your comment.
I am the invisible/ scapegoated child in the family. I always felt left out. There are so many secrets and lies in a narcissistic family system. I finally went no contact when I realized nothing was ever going to change. I wasted decades on a family system that only caused me pain.
Dito that! I newer felt worthy or that i belonged in my family!
I too came from that perfectly looking but dysfunctional on the inside family.
Dropped them all at age 60. The golden girl died of a heart attack last fall and they had the gall to try and contact me. I did not send condolences I did not call. that’s their card.
I was the subject at their gossip table too often. They should’ve me to the end of the line too many times.
@@koolbeans8292I feel for you and I have done what you did much to late in life. No toxic nasty people will be tolerated in my life no more. They have robbed me of so much life and living already...
Susanne Samuelsson
I got a dr’s degree in chiropractic at age 40.
Look at me now mom, mom, “SO” “big deal,”
“You have become so arrogant and Now you think you are better than the rest of the kids with that piece of paper.”
All 24 years in practice I felt that I wasn’t worthy of this position? Always afraid that I was going to take more than my share.
Are people really listening to me? Wow.
Because I got accused of being so damn selfish. By my parents. When I now find out it was only projections. They didn’t find the time to come to my graduation when they had the time and the means. But they both made it through eighth grade and quit high school in 10th grade. And blame, Blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame,. Gossip and blame.
Took me 60 years to find out my parents are nothing but junk.
@@koolbeans8292 It took me over 50 years to figure out the real truth... My mother never loved me when she was drunk she told me that I was a misstake too! I think i have tried to compensate for being that misstake my whole life. Congratulations to what you have achieved in your life and I'm happy for you and you are enough just as you are! Love, Susanne. 👋😊👍❤🥰🤗
I'm in tears. This is exactly what happened good and bad.
Me too. This one is really close to the bone.
I see you and hear you. You deserve more.
@@breezythegreat2495 ❤️
Me too no more wondering conformation a place to start.
@@lisasteel1575 well put! Yes it's deep.. coming out of it holly smoks.
My Mom would tell everyone (in front of me of course) that I was born on Halloween ...and when she said trick or treat - she was tricked! I couldn't find the courage to challenge her until I was in my late 50's....predictably she refused to acknowledge my pain or stop. I finally told her that I will start telling people her 'joke' ..but that I was tricked because she was my Mom! Predictably...she still didn't get it. 😐
O she got it alright! What a looser! I was born on new year's eve my birth unit said I ruined her day and my father said that I was a great tax deduction. Both are disgusting vial wretched people.
The word is birthing unit thin is not a Mother!
I was the truthteller in my family and I am proud to say that I raised the invisible child. I made sure he was seen and heard and felt loved. He is now grown and thriving. I am so proud of him. So proud.
Dr Ramani, it would be great if you could talk about the overlapping roles of the scapegoat and the invisible child. The children for who their dual roles are to be invisible, except for those moments when they are required to take the blame for the dysfunction of the family system. What is the long term effect of this?
Yes, please address this question! I would like to know too.
Me too!
I can tell you the long term affect - we become isolated because we arent allowed to learn anything and eventually hate everyone because its not just our family that treats us this way. Bosses will, so called friends will....
The effect is that we are afraid of being scapegoated all throughout life - career, friends, in public
Thank you for this comment!!!
I have my garden and it keeps me centered.
Thank you for this. I like to focus on my independence and resilience, but I cannot deny the pain that comes from lack of acknowledgment.
I am the invisible. I am now over 50 and I still feel invisible. I hate being the centre of attention and blush when I am. I went through university and had the highest grades in history…and did not even tell anyone about it. My parents does not know how good I am in math, fysics and materials technology. I have been successfull in life both with women and professionally but I still feel like I really dont matter to anyone.
I was the invisible child and am now a very Independant capable person. A surviver! I have had a lot stolen from me but God promises to pay his children back double what has been stolen. I am grateful that I am a child of The Father, Son and Holy Ghost. The ultimate Father that will never leave or forsake me. 💝
Yes!! When we learn to put our Faith and Trust in God....and stop caring what 'people did to us'....it changes our lives. The more we focus on being 'invisible'....the more invisible we become....we play into the hands of those that did not love us. GOD IS LOVE...and God loves us dearly ALL THE TIME,...and that is Enough.
Amen! 🙏
Yes!!! God revealed to me who my mother was and I had to let her go but even after I saw who she truly was when I was no longer blind I still couldn’t. I still wanted to fix her. I couldn’t get her out of my life so he removed her for me for my protection. I gave my life to Jesus and im no longer a victim of my past. I never thought I was ever going to get out of the darkness and not live in my past but he showed me the light! ❤️
I've been invisible so long that i'm learning to build myself up all by myself. I see how weak and insecure my parents were that's why they tried to steal it from me.
I used to be the invisible child until my mom became paralyzed and I slowly became her codependent caregiver. Now I’m 19 and can’t imagine leaving her alone to pursue my own interests despite being a naturally independent person. I feel so stuck and anxious and I’m not sure how to get out. Thank you Dr. Ramani for your insightful and healing videos 💕
first step is realizing. second is self-education. Blessings on you as you continue to find your way.
Get out. She needs a nurse.
Years go by fast. Your 20s and 30s are when you get the most traction in your life - meeting a partner and getting a job. Find a way to leave its not your role to parent your mother. (I’m a 51 yo mother of 3 and I would not want any of my children to hold themselves back for me). Some parents will gladly use up your entire life for their own needs. Seek help for your mother so you can leave.
You people all seem full of good intents, but you're stating the obvious to @julietteferrars3097.
I'm sure she knows her 20s and 30s are important and that she should not spend them playing the nursemaid for her mother, and that she must get out.
She is stuck.
She said as much.
Depending on where she lives she might be legally tied to care for her handicapped mother, or unable to actually leave without help from someone (I know, when I tried to leave I couldn't rent anything without my parents acting as garantee. Of course they refused.)
She might need money and can't get a job as long as she's living with her mother, but can't leave without the job.
It's a vicious circle.
People need help from the outside to get out.
@julietteferrars3097 I know it's been one year, and I do hope you're out now, but if you're not : try to reach out to someone. Anyone. An old friend (at 20 you may not already be cut out from everyone around you) or a family member who you know would agree to help without slamming you back in and shaming you for wanting to "abandon your poor mother".
If you can't, try to at least get a job.
Anything, even if your family make fun of you or whatever. You need money.
Prepare your escape (it is an escape), and once you leave, do NOT come back. You'd be sucked back in in a matter of seconds, and they'll never give you another opportunity to leave. You'd be watched, all the time.
I wish you to make it, and to heal, and to find happiness.
Not your problem. She never gave you shit. So don’t give her any.
Ugh. This is part of the puzzle why I participated less in high school after a couple years. Certainly it explains some conflict I've had where I both wanted to be seen and not seen at the same time. So it is much appreciated.
The worst part may've been times I wanted to be seen and heard a sarcastic "look who's stepping out!"
Also, I think the people who remarked most loudly on my quietness "what're you doing there? Plotting?" were the sort of people who, when they shut up, were planning some bad things.
I was the
invisible/ scapegoat.
Early on 4-5 years old.
NM would just walk off from Me. If we went somewhere she never held my hand. I stood around looking stupid.
I was never told anything about what was going on. NM would introduce my GC brother. And walk off I was not there.
BUT. When she needed someone to rage and rage and rage at. Guess who got all of her demonic rages?
I became visible to her.
NO CONTACT was my only way to survive.
Thank you
Good for you for surviving and going no contact. I'm sorry any child has to go through this. I can identify with it.
Yes, the rage. The violent outbursts. Its almost like they need to get it out because its so hard for them to act nice in public. Its like it almost destroys them to act happy.
I am so sorry you had to deal with that. A child should never have to suffer from the hands of parents who are supposed to be protection in this world.
And some are invisible AND a scapegoat.
I'm both in my family
Please address this one.
I had loving parents but they had other priorities. Dad's kidneys failed when I was a toddler, so lacking an income source mom went back to school and became a nurse. Worked all day and took care of dad at night. I fell through the cracks.
I was the invisible child but then I was treated like the scapegoat because I was a very good student and also very good at sports. I went through therapy and remember telling the therapist that nobody was hearing my voice or noticed me in social groups.
I was the scapegoat, but I largely live as an adult the way you describe here for the invisible child. I think self-chosen invisibility was my survival strategy in childhood. Fortunately I discovered Stoicism and Assertiveness and practiced them both and learned to take care of myself against aggressive people. To stand up for myself.
I definitely resigned to the strategy of invisibility to survive. I used to compete with a narcissistic sibling for my parent's attention, but then conceded that tactic because it was exhausting. I have to admit that, even though I now have an amazing chosen family, I do struggle with intense bouts of loneliness. Being seen by loving people is wonderful, but it's also a painful foil that makes it even more clear to me just how neglected I was growing up.
I'm sorry for your experience. So glad you've chosen a lovely set of ppl as your fam. Perhaps someday, you'll be able to share your truth with your biofamily. At the very least, they'll hear you say why you feel the way you do...without their ridiculous theories, narratives or gossip. Your truth, your way. God richly bless you! 🤗
I used to think the calm way my friends parents spoke to them was fake, that as soon as I left they would yell and throw things. As a young adult I used to praise my friends for how softly they spoke to their kids and what amazing parents they were, and they would tell me they're not, this is normal, this is how you speak to your kids. When I finally realized my head exploded. Still can't quite understand what it would be like to belong to a loving, supportive family. Haven't gotten there yet. Hope I will someday.
@@FeliciaLansborg
I was probably 14 before I realized most of my friends didn't live in a battlefield.
I remember finding that strange; I guess I assumed *everyone* was living a lie. But since I was always waiting for the next shoe to drop, it was just filed away with other observations.
@@disaj7460
Just a word. I would not expect an abusive biofamily to be willing to hear a grown child share their truth or why they feel the way they do, and even less so without their ridiculous theories, narratives or gossip. They are who and what they are; abusers are truly messed up, and they are rarely willing to hear anything. I would discourage people from having that expectation or hope. Because those abusive parents/family are in captivity to their corruption, having such hopes most often results in great disappointment and more grief for the child/grown child. One should be realistic, distancing themselves from the abuse, and stay away from them. That was the same realization I had to come to; my heart was wanting loving parents, to try yet again with them, but in seeking wise counsel at the right time, I realized it would have been a big mistake to put my heart on the line again to those people that had long proven themselves untrustworthy and violational. One has to understand they're messed up, big time.
@@cacatr4495 Well said, indeed. I sigh in resignation to your pragmatic appeal. On one hand, to have the narcisos sit, listen & understand your position...well it would be great, even hopeful. On the other, to re-expose yourself to (almost assured) pain through that familiar abuse/neglect/invisibility seems masochistic & self-destructive. Maybe erring on the side of self-preservation (through distancing) really is the way to go. It's the built-up hope of some sort of resolution, reconciliation or even catharsis (in sharing the truth)...that can lead to dashed expectations & great disappointment...sadly. Thanks for weighing in...much appreciated.
I went from an unwanted child to The Golden child. to being ignored and then being discarded. To being hated. Just because I wanted to be me. Thanks Mom
Describes my childhood to a tee. Father was narcissist. Golden childed brother. Mother always said I was a quiet child. Thank you Dr Ramani. You explained it all. Not taught in schools.
This is spot on. I was the invisible child and at times was not invisible which included abuse. How I am now just makes sense. Thank you Doctor. ❤️
I grew up invisible. My mother was very loving but she had my older brother who was attention seeking and my father a very conflictive and rage full narcissist. She told me, “I didn’t worry too much about you because I knew you’d be taking care of your homework/tasks just fine,” but I still needed her. Today I am cultivating my needs and talents. I haven’t been this peaceful… well since I can remember the fights and screaming of my parents. Today I’m so happy to be finding out my talents and dreams and I’m so excited to go forth! Thank you for your kind words of wisdom Doc!
Invisible and lost was how it felt. I was taught not to need either parent. I later made bad decisions in life to confirm my lowly level there. I did not make either narcissistic parent look good, so I was cast out always. We all had our roles….and could never get out of them. I’m an artist but I have trouble putting myself out there. I’m trying to reinvent myself but it’s lonely. I sabotage myself sometimes and I never felt worthy of love.
Wow! Thank you for explaining what my childhood and current life is now. As a young child, I was left behind by my family at a restaurant; because I was so quiet. Now as an adult, I’m still left behind. But I’m older now and have my boundaries which others find I’m not “part of their tribe”. And this is great for me.
Well that was emotional to watch. I was both the invisible child and the scapegoat - it took years of planning but I got out just before my 23rd birthday
Congratulations dear! I pray that God heals all your wounds. Hugs.
wow. great flippin job mate. I'm 50 and I'm trying to put the pieces together. Please work on self love and keep good people around you.
i still gotta get out :( glad u did ! im 22 and i be like how do i get out of here
@@elisazouza Same girl same.
@@ashleeskhan4075 we’ve got this 🙏🏼🦋
The invisible child would eventually surpass the golden child.
And the GC declares War.
KE - possible
ufc fighter chris weidman is a great example
@@tp8615 what? Lol
@@mateodevon2967 huh? lol what u mean?
Okay this blew my mind. I knew I was a truth Teller and as a result a Scapegoat. There was a brief periods where I was the Golden Child. But after listening to this I was also invisible my basic needs weren't meet to include things like safety and proper medical care. Now that I am married with kids I couldn't imagine not taking my kids to Doctor or Dentist.
Dr. R! Excellent episode, from an invisible child! It gave some AMAZING insights & reminders to NOT let my invisibility “super” power take an INAPPROPRIATE place in my life! It makes me anxious to talk about, share, and celebrate who I am! I GET what u r saying!
To all fellow invisible children: YOU ARE WORTHY! YOU HAVE AND ADD VALUE TO THIS WORLD! We NEED to SEE and HEAR from YOU! You GOT this! Go gett’em, my Tigers!!!!!!
This is me!!! Thanks for validating my life. It's the deepest part of my trauma. And it's not "just" one event to work trough like my divorce. It's an internalized pattern. I'm slowly able to define this and finding my voice. THANKS!!!🧡
It is important for me that I KNOW WHO I AM, no matter what any narc says to me or about me. Dr. Ramani, this video was more than useful. Thank you so much!
You're gifted. No PHD gives you these skills.
Of 6 kids, I always felt like I was the “forgotten child”. I had a physical disability which I think made my parents ashamed, and they would leave me alone at home or put me outside when we had company. It’s true that whatever interests I had were ignored and I just spent the past 40+ years thinking I was invisible and that my thoughts and ideas didn’t count. It’s, I don’t know, a little difficult to tell yourself that you are seen and you do matter ❤ thank you for saying so, it is really nice to hear.
I was (I don't know if you want to call this irony or not), but I was The Invisible Child +Scapegoat Child + Truthteller, l. They literally forgot me after basketball practice (back in high school), it wasn't (until suppertime that they ever noticed I was not home with the rest of them). I was the butt of the jokes ( because I was born with a disability, everybody in the internal family knew that I was a bit slow) that didn't stop them from doing their narcissistic crap to me. However, I NOW how people actually listen to me and actually remember me. I am so glad those years are behind me (where I grew up so confined), and I'm so free now it's honestly night and day for me. 😁😁😁😁
I was first an invisible child most part of my life but later became a golden child and then a scapegoat. Personally my favorite is invisible. It's the safest role comparatively
@@durgaambika4342 I wouldn't mind being the invisible child (if it was just that simple). Looking forward to my future now :).
@@chriswyma145 I have Cerebal Palsy, so that didn't help things. They were ALL (not just the caretakers, but my siblings as well).
I was looking for this comment.
the invisble child + scape goat.
so u can be both in the same time right?
@@gea2663 You can play a multitude of roles in a dysfunctional family. I played The Invisible Child, the scapegoat, the truth-teller, peacekeeper.
Aren't all children of narcissistic parents invisible and unseen?
My siblings and I were all shy.
there is a probability but theres also the golden child and the emotional punching bag
The narcissistic siblings in my family are very extroverted and crave power and control at all times.
Not really. Some are put on a pedestal, as a vicarious replacement for the narc themselves. Others are the punching bag, who are blamed for all that goes wrong.
The layers need to be explained separately because of the complications within each. One child can be invisible, golden and scapegoat by the narcissistic adult.
I was the scapegoat. Trust me, I often wished as a child I had been invisible.
THIS!!!! This conversation was the missing link in my healing, this class put a name to what I needed named!
I’ve been able to identify what was dished out to me as a child and now an adult, I could identify my older brother as the golden child… I’ve been so confused because I’ve never felt like the scapegoat.
Black sheep, yes. Invisible, yes. Teased, yes. The embarrassment of the family, YES!
But the word I have chosen for many years now to describe how I felt as a child and even now as an adult…. AFTERTHOUGHT.
I have always felt like an afterthought. Always put last, plans made and cancelled for work for more important things for someone else… whatever.
They never fostered or supported my creativity or interests. They’d let me join, I’d go unsupported and fizzle out and they were just waiting for me to quit, because that was what was easiest for them… but of course I would be teased about being a quitter at a later date.
My brother was given a car, I didn’t get my license or a car until I met my now husband who helped me do those things.
My brother was sent to a very expensive art school and I was told if I wanted to go to college I’d have to pay for it.
I got bad grades and had little focus, as well as perpetual negative parent teacher meetings. They’d just ground me and put me away into my room, for months, while they watched tv and carried on without me. I wish I was lying when I said I spent all of 6th, 7th and 8th grade grounded.
My mom, even told me, when I was in my 20’s that she always knew something was up, learning disability, adhd, etc… but she didn’t want to deal with doctors. Mind you, she is a registered nurse!
When the golden child moved out of my parents house my mother distanced from me even more, which she later told me was so she wouldn’t get hurt when I moved out too.
My brothers girlfriends and any children the girlfriends have are doted on. When in a group the girlfriends are the bright shining light while I take up space.
Dr. Ramani, THANK YOU for helping me out another, perhaps the most important puzzle piece into my puzzle towards healing.
I love these videos, they’re a gift.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. It helps me understand how my invisible sister probably felt. I hope you’re healing.
Can I ask you a question? What did you mean when you said “when I was in my 20’s that she always knew something was up”? Did you get a diagnosis finally? Was it something physical or trauma related?
man the car thing hits home. my brother gets lessons and a car and a apartment and uni, tho mostly the car thing and the double standards and the basically gl and hf. also u need more time driving ohh wait we dont take u out for like 5 years now. yeah basically future faking bs. i was home schooled from grade 1-10 and i hear u on basically parents saying yeah man i try so hard when its a flat out lie. fun that she is a nurse i notice ppl will not call out police or healthcare workers kinda just validating what i have noticed.
I didn’t even know I was the invisible child until I watch this video. I am 39 now. My emotional needs are always neglected and unseen in my family. They were physically there for me but not emotionally. When I became adult, I chose a man who gave me silent treatments and emotionally coldness to me. It is so hurt to bear those emotional absence of the ones I love. Now I am on my way to save myself. Love you Dr Ramani ❤
This one certainly made me think. As an only child, I got all 3 roles at different times, but felt least uncomfortable being the Invisible Child and that’s the one I fall into easiest, even as an adult. It’s one I need to work on - because flying under the radar isn’t always a good thing.
So true! I can relate with this
I hear that.
I was about to type a comment like this! I'm an only child and somehow check every criteria of the invisible child
I was the quiet child but as the 1st child of a perfectionist, I felt like a mannequin. My appearance was emphasized as it benefitted my mother. I was also the scapegoat and developed a weight problem to protect me. Make me invisible and as a shield. I am getting to a normal weight but the wounds remain. Like teachers, the medical system also does not understand how this impacts obesity. Weight loss removes protection. I was a high achiever in school and was a golden child too. Gets complicated quickly 🥺 My role shifted at the whim of my driven insecure narcissistic mother. I was buffeted by this storm and now crave chaos and feel intensely uncomfortable in healthy relationships. Ugh.
Hey Lynn,
I also developed a weight problem as a protection from narc abuse and being a female competition for my mum, older stepsister and basically, all females. Removing overweight makes me feel insecure, too. I can take it, but only if people leave me alone. As soon as they notice, I get afraid of being outcasted, excluded, bullied, and since I am a single woman, that feels life threatening. If you or anyone should have any tips about this matter, I would be so grateful! All the best 💞
I can relate. Lots of love and healing
I understand. When I was a developing teenager, my parents seemed to enjoy the attention I got and would tell me and be proud when people noticed me, But, both of my parents liked to gush over the fact that I was one of the " pretty" cousins. That just led to jealousy and me being bullied and minimized in all other aspects of my life.
I felt that the extra weight I put on as an adult was protective. When I would ever lose weight and feel strong and in control I felt like a target and would gain weight back again.
I think it comes down to - am I going to start to care more about how I want to feel in my body than what others think than of me? Can I learn to set boundaries that will keep me safe, so I don't need to make myself feel invisible?
Thats me to weight was a way to be invisible...always fat even looking back at pictures when I wasn't ....its basically a eating disorder as well.....because we do not have a good relationship with food...its about a Dr must be addressed by a therapist...
@@goldieh7121 I had a good discussion with my daughter about this. Another way to invisibility is to stop eating. Hope keeping communication open paves the way for healing.
'Children should be seen and not heard' is one quote I remember hearing
Good grief. Just when I thought I was aware of all of my issues.
My visibility was conditional and based on performance. I was largely left to my own devices unless my siblings weren't around.
I also was that invisible child as long as I behaved do. This resulted me even as a adult stressing the hell out at work if the manager ask me to do something and I could not finish in time, even if that was not really a problem, I would have panic attacks. I recognized this behavior with therapy and doing a lot better standing up for myself now.
As the scapegoat, I worked at becoming the invisible child. Using grey rock and hiding my interests as I got older. Partly to protect myself, but also to make it easier to eventually leave.
Both parents are neglectful narcissists, my choosing to become invisible at home (my true self visible to friends and work), led my narc sibling to take on both Golden Child and some of the Scapegoat role. There was a noticeable and at times extreme reaction by my Narc Mother to me going grey rock, but it was well worth it.
After watching this video and reading some articles on the invisible child syndrome, I realized this was what I was in my family and even when I was in school, where I was usually quiet and kept to myself. This really resonated with me because even though I am in adulthood now, I still feel as if I don't know my place in this world or my purpose in life. I still struggle with finding my voice and knowing who I am. I thought that by staying out of the way, I would be able to escape the abuse. Everything you said reminded me of myself.
I cry daily. I am making my first feature film and struggle with the idea that im doing it.
I have severe social anxiety...
I try so hard but I'm so numb...
I can empathize, I grew up in such a sick family. No longer talk to my 2 sisters. Hard not to feel like an outsider. Being alone I feel safe. Daily struggle. Hang in there!!
Thank you 😞 I’ve been struggling a lot more lately with this. I grew up with narcissism in my family dynamic, and I’m often told by the older adults in my family, when they talk about the abuse, that I didn’t have it “as bad.” My siblings and I, don’t get along. I feel that my one sister, who was considered the “golden child” is very Braggy, and in every social situation, constantly trying to get attention from the rest of our family. In conversations, if it’s not about her, she’ll cut you right off in the middle of the conversation to talk to someone else. She has a “holier than thou” attitude, and I’ve decidedly cut her out, because it follows the narrative when she’s around, that what she has to say is more important. She’s louder, showy, and I’m not. I used to try to talk here and there, but now I’ve grown completely silent. Silent or not. Nobody cares. Nobody asks how I’m doing. If anything, the only thing they’ve seen me useful for is communication from one person to the next. I don’t exist to anybody in my family, not even during a grieving process, of recently losing the only father figure I considered a Dad to me, so I’ve recently been making moves in silence, that will eventually lead me towards the path of never having to be in contact. I need to start fresh for my sanity.
This rings so true! I always wondered why I always felt like I was on the outside looking in on so many social interactions and in my family..
yuppp i feel like an outsider 24/7
I recently saw my old primary school teacher. When I asked her what she remembers about me she said „You were a very shy and quiet child and you didn’t defend yourself. Whenever someone teased you you didn’t defend yourself and were quite.“
Broke my heart I was like that even in primary school. But no wonder..I got beaten up by my father everyday whenever I said something
Not sure I ever really thought about being the invisible child. I've always thought of myself as the scapegoat, the black sheep. But I WAS invisible as a kid. I was also the only child so these roles are a bit harder to discern when there are no other kids/people, with clearly defined roles in the family. As I type this and think back, one thing I hate to this day is being invisible, e.g. in a group of people, saying something, nobody notices, then five minutes later someone says the same thing and bam! Suddenly everybody's interested. Or being talked over and ignored. This is food for thought for me. Thanks!
Thank you for these informative videos, Dr. Ramani! I find the videos about family dynamics around narcissism so interesting. If you are an invisible child, YOU ARE ENOUGH and you are worthy of love and a good life. ❤️
Holy crap.. this was me! 😳
I literally didn't know until halfway through this video.
Oh, this hit home big time! After leaving home for college I actually had major mental health issues. I didn't speak for days, had 'depersonalization' etc. Luckily now, 40 years later fairly well adjusted, but still remember those painful years.
My younger sister commented to me recently that she could not remember me ever at the dinner table. I said yes it was generally only at special occasions like Christmas and when I had completed a substantial amount of chores. I was the invisible child and scapegoat rolled into one. I served my time as a child in constant fear and hidden away from my parents and siblings to avoid serious abuse. I am 60+ now and still in some way hide from the world but enjoy my own company and feel consoled with all of this information. It has been a gateway into understanding my journey through life and all the connections I can piece together in what used to be an unfathomable puzzle. Thank You, Ramani, and all commentators on this site.
I have a cousin who was an invisible child. Her father is the most narcissistic person I know. She still lives with her mother and depends on her. She will be 36 this year. The funny thing is her twin brother was the golden child and he still depends on their mom as well. I don’t know what happened there but none of them are independent.
Narcissists want to keep people dependent on them for narcissistic supply. If they had been healthy parents then they would want to have their children as independent adults. Narcissists only do what's best for them.
My younger sister is an awful person, she stayed with my mother until death. She wrote me out of the will. She never got a driver's license even when my mother needed rides to the doctor in her later years. She'd call me for rides and criticize how I raised my children but she took no responsibility for having a real life. Was never able to support herself and blamed my father. I guess she likes public transit or walking. Now she's stolen one of my kids.
@@brianwalsh1401 This is the thing though, I don't understand people saying the last president is a narc when his kids are independent and successful and he clearly wants them to succeed. I'm sure he has more N traits than the average person who has no desire to be in the spotlight, but I don't think he's the dangerous kind of N people say he is or his kids wouldn't be like they are.
@@recoveringsoul755 There are different types of narcissists. Those who make their kids totally dependent on them are only one type.
Narcs also might want their children to be successful, so they could brag about how amazing their kids are. They see the children as extension of themselves, so the success of the kids is their own success to them.
It´s like with the ugly mothers who force their little daughters into beauty competitions. Or with people who have show dogs and awards all over their house.
@@Mysikrysa Very well said.
I felt I was the "Invisible Golden child"... I was praised when I did good and berated when I did bad... But in top of that, my needs and feelings were neglected...
I managed to build a good sense of self worth, but ended up in a narcisisstic relationship and after it fell apart, I couldn't point out why I fell for it, since my self esteem and self worth are on ok levels...
Now I see that I got used to have all my needs neglected always, so being neglected didn't raise a red flag for me... Because it was what I was used to...
Thank you Dr. Ramani, for making things clear to me! 😊
I was the middle girl child and the invisible child. My oldest sister was the escape goat, but once she left the nest 🪹, I then moved up to the escape goat. In my adult life my childhood trauma plays out deeply. I’m aware enough to know where it stems from, but I don’t know what to do to change it. So your information in this video was spot on. I moved away from my family, but I still deeply crave a family dynamic.
I’m the invisible child. My eldest sister was the golden child and my poor little sister was the scapegoat. I was (and I’m still) taking care of my little sister to help her getting her life back after all the damage my narc parents had done to her. After all these years I have been labeled by my family as the strong and wise daughter in spite of ending up with a narc husband who ruined my life. I feel with your help Dr Ramani that I picked up the ruins and become stronger. Now I feel sorry for my parents and husband. These days when my husband starts abusing me I laugh and say you poor soul, you are so pathetic 🙂
Sounds exactly like my life except my narc mum got murdered by my narc brother in law and I ended up divorcing my pathetic narc husband. My older sister golden child is now a narc taken after my mum n I also help my scape goat younger sister however she’s still in denial about my mum and still worships her. Can’t win. I realised my dysfunctional dynamics years ago when I was little but couldn’t do anything about it, I’m now out of the mess since a few years ago its extremely lonely but at least I’m not in a toxic family anymore
I like how she also brought up that professors don't understand the students that are quite and have a fear of talking infort of everyone. It made it much worse when they brought it up in the classroom. My only 2 B's was because I professors that hated quit people.
I noticed that when I covered a teacher who took a year off. She had flunked a couple of the quiet students. I had divided the students this way: some want time to think; Some can answer without thinking things through. She promoted that type. The ones that want to think things through before answering were the ones she flunked. (The E&P relationships test at the Hypnosis Motivational Institute is fun to take to see the differences. That’s where I learned this). You might enjoy learning more about this.
@@karmacounselor sounds interesting, thank you!
This is actually a trait of indigenous people who grew up speaking a native language and have to process English into their traditional language and back again. Indigenous people have been shamed into silence and need all the time they need, in silence, to think, and to express. (I facilitated native families in social work settings.) Native people and their thoughts can easily get steamrolled over by people who think fast and have a lot to say, and when this is about them and their family and the future of their family and children, itʻs important to give them all the time they need.
@@SusanBame exactly!
This brings up a lot of emotions. "Children should be seen and not heard" reverberates in my ears. ( Just be there at my beck and call.) I practiced invisibility for years and although I do get recognized by other people I still feel quite invisible. "Is that recognition genuine?" the little voice says in my head. I do know my worth though and what I can do but often prefer alone time when not teaching in the classroom. Seems like a never ending struggle dealing with the aftermath of a narcissistic parent. Thankfully she passed June 26, 2021.
May you find peace my friend♥️
That phrase reverberates in my head too. How many times was I told not to interrupt when I wasn't interrupting?
I can't believe we are damaged so badly by a parent, that we're thankful when they die. I wish we all had caring, pleasant family environments, but I'm trying to accept reality.
That unfulfilled need to be seen and heard made me the target of narcissistic abuse.
I have extraordinary talent with horses, which has caused rage from narc bosses.
I’m done.
I can identify a lot with this. I was told one time by my own mother that she hardly noticed how I grow up. It worked pretty well to avoid the abuse when I was young and I also found ways to use the time away from home to do something valuable for myself. It was fortunate that I grow up in a village so that I was able to get positive attention from my neighbors, relatives, and teachers so that I did not become socially invisible. It might be a lot harder for an invisible child in today's highly individualistic society to find support like I did. However, my own experience shows that children can be quite resilient in coping with neglect than abuse and find support in people other than their own parents.
Yep… takes stuff away…wanted to be a tap dancer.. mom says “I am not gonna listen to you clop around… that will drive ME crazy… so no!” Golden baby sis wants to dance… mom says “awwwwww she wants to be a dancer/ballerina!… We start lessons ASAP!” Was accepted into a gifted/talented program in elementary school…”no you are not going to THAT program, it is to far from home(me/your mom).” Golden baby sis gets a C finally on her elementary report card… and she gets a cupcake.
Ohhh gees. What a mom!
Yeah....thats about right
Sorta sounds like my situation. I feel like I was the invisible child. Mom doesn't even remember going to my band concerts in school. Younger brother got things he wanted that I didn't get to have when his age. Older sister must of been the scapegoat, she would argue with mom a lot. Seemed to be only in the younger years this all happened. We all seem to be ok now. Sorta
i relate for me its my brother gets all the money, gets a house built for him and i get forgotten and just want to move out
Yeah I was the invisible child. This is very painful. My brother, Tommy was the scapegoat. He was the whipping boy. My old company president understood. He said, “I know you don’t want to make waves.” My older sister, the narcissist who was replaced many times, told me my mother sent my younger sister “thousands of dollars” when my younger sister was in grad school. When I was in grad school trying to make something of myself, I was told I could not get any money. There wasn’t any. When my older sister got married, she had a fabulous wedding. When I got married, my father gave me enough money for a deposit on the venue, everything else I had to pay for. One of my “friends” told me it was a rinky-dink” wedding. When my sister got married he paid for the whole thing. Now I know where he was coming from. My aunt recently let me in on what it was really like in my father’s family growing up.
Ann, I know, acceptance is a harsh rude awakening, revelation.
It’s too much writing I’m here to explain my situation but I get it, what you went through, and are probably still going through, because they do not change.
Stay on the support channels, because you were not wrong in your assumption, your revelation,. Karma will have its day. It already has in my parents life. They don’t have me for support now.
I have my chosen family around me now.
And my twin sister lives next-door to them, she turned into a flying monkey from a tattletale growing up. Now a gossiping piece of work. One of her kids killed him self at age 14, while cooped up in the same bedroom with the older bully who actually became a meth head.
She raised her two boys exactly how my parents raised my brother and me. My brother is still sitting on the barstool feeling sorry for himself like most bullies do.
Be able to make the change girl, because they can’t therefore they won’t. May God bless you, because he has me. I am very grateful as opposed to five years ago. When I had my revelation.
My middle child was the only survivor of a set of triplets I expected. So, clearly a little fighter from before birth! I feel very deeply for her...the "invisible child/scapegoat" in the family controlled by a narc ....her father treated her as if she didn't exist from birth and then later as if she was just a burden.... it actually became so bad that friends of ours spoke to him about it and it seemed there was a glimmer of change..his life revolved around our firstborn - his "golden child". He treated me with hatred for openly loving my two children equally...made me feel bad for "pushing our firstborn away" to take care of "my baby"! She is socially awkward to the extreme....it breaks my heart. I have tried to get all my children to therapy but he refuses to sign papers needed to proceed. All the things you say here describe my beautiful girl to a T. She is such an amazing little person - most responsible, independent and helpful little girl I know...I left him especially for the sake of my children. Since then we are all learning our self-worth and I try to reaffirm their amazing worth daily.🙌
Therapy never helped. I tried that when I was younger. Therapists are very limited and have their own self to deal with - the worst was when my brother was killed in an accident and the therapist was so ill equipped to deal with real tragedy and actually fell asleep on me while I was talking about my heartbreak. Maybe a late night of partying or some other problems of her own made her fall asleep on me but that was the end of therapists for me. The only answers to my life, I have found in God and the Word of God - an unlimited resource and fountain of true life and love.
I was raised by neglectful narcissists parents. I definitely am invisible to my parents, my family, people at work and every where I go. I am in my late forties now. In some ways I prefer not to have any attention at all. However, sometimes I wish my parents and other people in my life could have been more supportive and understanding of what I had to endure all of these years. Damn if you do and Damn if you don't. Thanks for listen.
The invisible child turns into the invisible mother and the invisible Grandmother. They can also become the scapegoat. Wallah! You get me!!!
I was the invisible child and learnt to look after myself. But there is a terrible loneliness and shame about lost life chances.
I was an invisible child, who outshone the golden child when I moved to another (bigger) city and excelled in my career. It still hurt that I could never win my narcissistic mother's praise, no matter how much I achieved. At fifty I walked away from my mother and sister for good, by not going to my mother's big 80th birthday. My son pointed out to me - my absence made me the centre of attention for once in my life.