Does your child lash out at you to earn your narcissistic co-parent's love?
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- Опубліковано 21 вер 2024
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Dr.Ramini, never give up what you're doing. You're making a big difference for a lot of people. I hope that people are aware that good outweighs evil.
Yes, Dr. Ramani, please keep fighting for us… every day you are making a difference. 🌹
That video brought tears, I had forgotten how difficult the "juggling" of keeping it all together for them was, after returning home from time out with narc parent
I was actually able to make a joke about this ie
"Who's fault is it"
re - all of experiences
I would always say
& they would join in saying "It's mine"
It worked, we could all laugh together, they were so little back then
Yes the adolescent stage was extremely challenging
I will never understand how much I didn't know re - narcissistic abuse
Brilliant video , very emotional
Thank you
DrRamini, a pop up msg appeared here, requesting me to subscribe, saying you would be contacting me directly, I'm totally befuddled!
@@maevebutler4641 There is someone trying to impersonate Dr Ramani. I have just tried to report their comments. Please don't subscribed as it is probably a scam.
@@maevebutler4641 It's not really Dr Ramani, so just ignore it, or you can even report it, if you want to.
My daughter did this and recently apologized, with tears. She said it was because she knew she already had my love. I barely took notice, because I knew she was in survival mode. She, my son and I were all in survival mode. There was nothing to forgive ❤️
❤
My kids were swayed at first, while he told them (and the whole world) that I was an awful person & that I broke our family apart, but over the course of a few years, little by little, they began to see that I wasn't the person he was describing and they saw what an awful person he truly was/is.
Last year, in my daughter's freshman year in high school, she failed every single class and I feel like she did it because of her narcissistic dad. He only called/texted her every month or so- and only to talk about her grades (lecture & yell) never just to say something positive or ask about her day... and I begged her- "please dont do good or bad in school FOR HIM. Don't do it for me either. Just do it for yourself and your future."
I made myself available to help her with school work. And I don't know if something inside her changed, and I don't know if I had anything to do with it. But this year, she passed every single class with A's & B's and even took extra classes to catch up.
The kids are ages 11, 16, & 19 now... it's been almost 6 years since the divorce.
Now, all 3 of my kids vent to me about how much they despise/dislike their dad and I just hold space without adding my opinions. I do remind them that the behaviors they're telling me about are not healthy and to not emulate in their future relationships.
People kept telling me that eventually the kids will see the truth... it took almost 5 years for them to really see it, but I'm so glad they know now.
To anyone with young kids being swayed, keep being a healthy & stable parent and eventually they will see the truth!
Thank you for your comments. I am at one year post divorce. My oldest 16 no longer wants to spend much time with his narcissistic parent. No sleepovers or extended times. This has made my ex very upset. He tells me and the younger child This was not what he agreed to. Not that he loves him or misses the other child. However my 12 year old is the empathic one, he stays because he doesn't want his dad to be hurt. It is sad, he lashes out at me to make his sibling be more active. Hopefully in 5 years my story will be more like yours.
Thanks so much for sharing your story - I needed hope as it's happening now. ❤️🙏
Thank you for sharing your very vulnerable story. I am sure it was hard enough to heal from his abuse towards you and then to add harm with mentally/emotionally manipulate your children against you - painful.
I am so sorry how much he harmed your daughter and only cared about grades (my folks are the same) - don’t care about anything other than grades yet never there. What you said was so wise and loving. I am glad your daughter could see and understand and has done wonderfully and it’s thanks to who YOU are. You are truly doing wonderful and not easy yet I truly admire how you have done so. Never question your parenting, please. People make mistakes for sure yet I can tell you never would do so intentionally.
Keep rising with your children, it’s beautiful. 🙏
Ignore the Commentor impersonating Dr Ramani.
I hope your right because the narcissist parent in my life has a strong grip over my children and are easily manipulated.
I lashed out at my dad for many years growing up, to cope up with my narcissistic mother's rage. My wonderful dad never left my side, till this day. I realized my mother's games a few years ago and have been having honest conversations with my dad since. He says he always understood why I did what I did back when I was a kid and that it was the only way for me to survive the toxic family environment. I am also an only child with no siblings to share the burden.
To know that I was not an ungrateful kid or a kid who was an opportunist siding with the toxic parent helps. It hurts me tremendously that I was rude to my dad then, it was a matter of survival for me. It is truly sad that empathetic parents and kids have to go through this hell to satisfy a narcissistic parent.
Thank you for these videos. You have helped me more than I can express in a comment. I have never commented on a UA-cam video, this is the first. So you know how much your videos have touched me.
There is someone trying to impersonate Dr Ramani in the comments section for this video. Please be careful and report them.
So glad your dad understood you and is they're for you still!! ❤ it 100% isn't your fault for surviving something you didn't understand
Similar story, but as much as I didn’t get my narc mother so didn’t my dad till they divorced 13 years ago and I only found out a narc a year ago I couldn’t put a word to what she exactly was but I know she’s always been evil after such a long time and for the first time I told my dad, dad she isn’t normal and agrees and so it was good that I divorced and I said yeah and at the same time I was wondering you went away but I had to still live with all her madness and drama till the age of 24 when I moved out and only at 33 I found out what she is and what she’s been doing to me all her life. I was the scapegoat that got bullied from all my siblings that she had enabled.
Watch out. Your mother will change her tactics now that you are on good terms with your dad. Since you are an only child, she will probably become more clingy and needy, especially as she gets older. She will probably double down on her nastiness towards your dad, until you make it clear that it is ineffective. My dad is now deceased, so cherish your relationship with him as long as you can. And you might have to go NC or Gray Rock with your mother. It took me until I was past 40 to learn this, but it increased my happiness and peace of mind exponentially.
@@ladyv5655 Things are pretty bad for us right now. Like you said, as my mom is getting older, she is getting more bitter. In addition to that she has a serious health issue.
My dad takes care of her without an ounce of gratitude from her side. Breaks my heart to see him face her wrath for the littlest of things that don't go her way. Me (still learning) grey rocking her has definitely been good for me. I have been trying to educate my dad about narcissism to help him deal with her. After all these years of marriage, he already knows things are not going to get better.
I'm physically far away from my parents, which is a blessing and a curse, since I can't help my dad much. There is no helping my mom anyway, it's always her way or hell way. Things went from bad to worse when I went to my parents to help them. Me being physically close triggered my mom even more, since I did not give in to all her unreasonable expectations and demands.
It's a challenge for me and dad to get along because mom doesn't like it. She has always been possessive, over-protective and controlling of me. I lived and breathed to live up to be her perfect daughter until a few years ago, even after I had kids of my own, despite being thousands of miles away from her after my marriage.
My poor daughters still don't treat me respectfully 20years after dumping the covert narc. He groomed them their entire life that I was crazy and unstable while I was working and supporting the family. I developed breat cancer and knew I had to distance myself to save my life. I knew it was the right thing to do when they didn't care I might die.
I can't stand people telling me to wait until they (my kids) are adults, and they will come around. In the meantime, I just miss out on my children's lives?!
Thank you for bringing this information to light. It helps process and understand what is going on. 💜
we lose so many special moments 😢
exactly. Absolute BS.
The realization that my kids take a swipe at me especially after spending time with their narcissistic father is something I've been trying to explain to my therapist. I always thought it was safer to beat me up emotionally, because I will continue to love them, but his approval is very conditional. Thank you for explaining it in such understandable terms! Your work is invaluable! Thank you Dr. Ramani.🧡
💯 It’s endless the ways in which we can be discounted and dismissed. We take it because to explain to people who haven’t had the experience there aren’t enough words so we give up. I think you should find a therapist who understands your situation. After all Dr. Ramani does and I can so you are entitled to that at a minimum from your therapy. And it’s a service you are paying for! You don’t need to do anymore survival coping in therapy.
Exactly the painful conclusion I came to eventually.
After realizing that it isn't always a co-parent former spouse who might be into trying to triangulate my child or children against me that makes it easier for me to keep a proper perspective about it. Like for example when we are out in public with our pre=teen child when a complete stranger after we remind her to wear her inside voice while she is singing at the top of her lungs says to her while giving us a 'geriatric' mom after our medically termed 'geriatric' pregnancy with them a dirty look, "Good for you becoming a star" or whatever.
Continue loving them, it is so difficult to have to go
"Around the ring again"
with kids/ adult kids, please remember that narcissists are unable to continue their performances & your children (unfortunately) will be exposed to the cracks, they do come back to you in time , possibly affected by all they have had to endure
I brought my two younger kids to group therapy for children who had experienced divorce/bereavement
As I had so wished at that time , that they were not alone & hoping that they could find a way to navigate their own way through, so much trauma
Academically they did extremely well & I am sincerely grateful for that much
My eldest has 3 adorable children, my Grandchildren whom I so love them all
I feel so very blessed & grateful for all of this, despite their horrendous experiences 🙏
@@brigitte9999 Well said. Thank you!
I’m so glad someone is addressing this issue. My adult son is a narcissist like his father, and I was blamed for the divorce even though I was the healthy one in the relationship. I’m 73 years old and have a great relationship with my daughter now, but my son is abusive towards me. I recently sold my house and moved away from him.
As painful as it is, I will not invalidate your pain that you are feeling with your son, I am glad you do have a health relationship with your daughter. 🙏
Thanks 💜for sharing I am trying to move away from my younger son he is a narcissist abuser as my ex husband ,his father , I am in good relationship with my older son, but he has his own family, so at 64 I need to get going on my own ! 💜
What you are experiencing may be Parental Alienation.
This was my experience too, and i moved away 9 months ago. It was so tough but had to be done…or i was done.
I'm 67, and have experienced what you have suffered, except with both my sons. Let's keep each other in prayer. It's our only hope.
Story of my family, exactly, and then I was alienated from my only child. I’ve had to radically accept that he may not come back to me in this lifetime. This is the hardest thing ever, and that is a statement coming from a person who has survived multiple, serious traumas. In my grief, I realized that either I accept and surrender or I might as well be dead because living in constant grief, sadness and anger is not being alive.
Good luck to you, I pray your son returns. Your story is heart breaking. Stay strong and look after yourself. Do what makes you happy x
@@susanstardust6056 Thank you. I try doing just that every day.
I know that your situation is extremely difficult and this might seem like a large ask from a stranger, but please if you can help it don’t give up on your child. I grew up in this situation and was manipulated against my non-narcissistic parent, unfortunately she passed away when I was young and I would do anything to have her back. There is hope that your child will see the other parent for who they are especially with you being distant sooner than later they will fill the role you used to. Stay close and stay ready to help them and please please be forgiving of them. Best of luck
Same, I watched the death of a beautiful soul by his evil.
Forgiveness is key to your health. I’ve been going through this for 23 years. I really thought I could fix it.
Now it’s about working on myself. ❤️
Thank you Dr Ramani, I sit here crying after watching this video, you have described my situation completely. My kids are adults who have now totally rejected me whilst allowing their abusive father back in to their lives. I am devastated as I have also lost my relationship with my 1 yr old grandson whom they will no longer allow me to see. They also live in a different Country making the situation worse. I have to go on but the wounds are wide open. Thankyou for helping me see that someone understands.
God bless you, Jane. I am in the same situation as you. My adult son has turned away from me. I am sick, needing surgery and having to pack and move. I've asked him for help one last time. It hurts more than the physical pain I am in. My heart is broken.
@@troyannbladsacker1811 Troy, I feel your pain, I have recovered 3 times from cancer, my kids knew I was alone and did nothing. I tell myself that they must be really hurting inside from what their father did to us all, but I cant force them to seek therapy. I am the collateral damage. Stay strong. 🙏
I’m so sorry, I’m not in your exact situation but we have been through the same alienation process. I’m trying to accept that I deserve people who care about me in my life. The fact that I have been denied that my whole life so the narcissists can be accepted is insane. I don’t know what you are doing for yourself but do more. Maybe volunteer and find givers not takers who add to your spirit not deplete it. 💖
My adult children are sadistic towards me. Raised them alone. Their father was narcissistic, neglectful, and cruel toward the kids. I was mother, father, and everything in between. The X died 20+ years ago. Older child named her son after the father who put her in the ER following a severe beating, and I have never been allowed to see this grandson. Instead,I have become the target of their rage. 🤦♀️ 😢 I have been rejected and abandoned. Because of their non stop abuse and cruelty, including abandonment ( I am 66 ) I have had to cut off or strictly limit any communications. If I only knew back then what I know now, I would have gotten my tubes tied. The pain and sadness is overwhelming and I did nothing to deserve this.
@@janedolby3706 collateral damage describes this to a T
This has been the story of my life for the past four years after divorcing my narcissistic ex. I can safely say that being the sane parent you need the patience of a saint. My boy is eight years old and this behavior usually happens often after we’ve had a blast on our last visit as he’s interrogated after every visit. 3 days ago he started this behavior after I picked him up from school by speaking rudely and screaming for no reason. I firmly told him I will not tolerate that behavior and asked if that’s the way he behaves at school and with his teachers and friends? He lowered his head and had a smirk on his face. He then said “and it’s not as if you don’t do anything wrong.” , which tells you all you need to know. In such situations be careful to not bash your child or the narcissistic ex etc. but to concentrate on being a loving parent and maintaining your boundaries. My son would usually come around after about 30 minutes to an hour as if nothing ever happened. Consistency for the child is of utmost importance as they will eventually grow to know the truth. My lawyer and a family counselor have all come to realize what I’ve been saying for years. My battle in the family court system is still going on and in God’s own time I sincerely believe things will work out. Don’t give up a good fight for your child and give yourself grace. Cheers.
Im a mother of estranged adult children. I stopped being a punching bag and back up bank so now Im getting silent treatment from both. It hurts to the core. The smear campaign was unbearable.
I left my narc husband after 13 years of marriage. Our son was 11 at the time. His father took on the "best friend" parent role. He did not parent our son. No discipline, no rules, no boundaries. I was the enforcer, the nag, the meanie. His father went so far as to denigrate school and education constantly. He did not want our child to grow and mature and become independent. He literally wanted to keep him ignorant and would invent any excuse to keep him home from school, including "it's raining outside." Education is extremely important to me and I did everything I could to fight against this negativity. But, how do you fight this? What kid doesn't want a parent who won't make him go to school, who won't care if he doesn't do his homework, who will blame the teachers for his bad grades and make up excuses for all of his failures? His father went so far as to say that I had lied about graduating from college to make me look like a hypocrite in front of my child. His father refused to get a job and lived very happily off of welfare and side jobs (we were living in a country with a very generous social safety net). And he used the fact that he could do this as proof that you didn't need to go to school or work hard.
I finally became desperate to prove to my child that hard work and education counted for something and that living with just enough was not really enough. His father did not want me to work either and threw fits when I got jobs and had to leave the house. So I made the decision to leave. To return home to America where my degree and my desire to work hard would add up to a good life. I wanted to buy a house and a car and save money for the future. These things were impossible in the life we were living. When I decided to leave, I knew my son would not go with me. I knew he would ally himself with his father. All he ever really wanted was to be alone with his dad and cut school most days and hang out with him at home. I never let that happen. But I had lost the battle. I could not sway my son to my side. His father was too strong. So I left, knowing that my son's education would suffer greatly. That I would have very little influence from across the ocean. But I also knew that I had to prove to him that what I said was true, that hard work mattered, that education mattered. And the only way I could prove it was to go out and do it.
So I did. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I left my child with his narc father. A narc father who adored his disciple of a son. But I left with a purpose. I returned to America, got a real job, with real benefits. I kept the lines of communication open. I visited. I fought and struggled against his father's twisted vision of the world. I never blamed my child, I never wavered in my love and my openness. I opened an account for him when he was 13 and made sure he had whatever he needed. I took his irresponsible father out of the picture when it came to providing for him. Any child support went directly to my child. Unfortunately, he had to grow up faster than most kids and take on that responsibilty. I kept visiting, I kept calling. I kept offering to bring him to America for school. His father made him afraid to fly so he cancelled so many visits to see me. Within five years of leaving I bought a car, then a house. My son was finally brave enough to come stay with me and he discovered all of his father's lies on that one trip. I showed him my college degree, he was 16 or 17, failing out of high school at the time. I drove him around in my car and flew with him to the Grand Canyon. I had made a life he couldn't even imagine was possible.
I encouraged him, told him it wasn't too late to get it together. I told him every single thing I had done was for him. That the house was his house. That I would help him do whatever he wanted with his life. I never held a grudge. I never blamed him for the horrible things his father's lies made him say to me. I only continued to love him and keep him as the central focus of all my endeavors. Well, my baby looked around and thought it through. He met a nice girl who encouraged him as well and I am more than happy to say that he will be graduating from college with honors this month. He decided. He did the work. I supported him. I never gave up on loving him. I swallowed my hurt whole. I swam in the river of my own tears, so that he could be free to choose. Free to grow. In the end, like Dr. Ramani said, I had faith.
So any parent out there, suffering through this awful choice of having a child with a narc. Remember, the choice was yours. Not your child's. There is something of you in your child. Hold onto the love, don't deviate from your moral compass. Live up to your own high standards and survive to be that example of survival that your child will very well need when the time comes. I lost the battle, but I won the war with faith.
I have 3 children with my narcissist ex husband. I haven't seen them in almost 8 years. I couldn't be in that situation with my history of seizures. My health had to be more important to me. My teenage daughter was coming at me just like you said here. I cried all the way through NC. My ex husband was in the military. So I understand estrangement. Not easy, but I have been seizure free for almost 7 years this November. I have watched your videos for awhile. This one hit home. We saw a marriage counselor and it was like I walked in exhausted while my ex husband looked like he had everything together. I, then, saw a psychologist on my own during during the separation and inevitable divorce. I had custody until he transferred to Florida with our daughters and our son was in college. You can only co parent living one state away. I, now, live in Missouri. I refuse to blame myself anymore. I may be their scapegoat, but I am going to be the healthy version of me that I can be. Watching your videos have been so helpful. It's been disappointing. I try to look at having dealt with empty nest syndrome all at once. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your experience of this. I can relate. I'm have to be the best healthy me I can be. Sometimes, a low moment comes and I tell myself that this feeling and sadness will pass soon. I hope you are doing well. One day at a time. Blessings 😊
To the parents out there who have been alienated from your child(ren) by a narcissistic co-parent, if you can, hold onto your faith in your child and in any connection you had the chance to establish with them when they were very young. If there is something there, it will have taken root, and if you remain open to your child, you may be so blessed to see your child open to you in the future, once the narcissistic parent has fully revealed their depravity to the child. I was one of these blessed people, and I cannot explain why or how, given the extent of the alienation, except that I held onto hope. And yet, I know for many the tiny flame of hope may need to be extinguished in the interest of self-preservation, and to all of you, I am so sorry, and I understand that this is how it is for too many people due to the diabolical nature of narcissism. May we all find some ☮️.
It takes a lot of courage to hold out hope. I was everything to these children in their formative years so I hope that "root" proves true. They are so easily manipulated now in their teen years. Courage to continue on....
@@jaimhaas5170 Think of a tiny little flame you tend to and keep lit for them as they go through the passage of adolescence. It's so painful to be walled out, esp when you know how much they need you still. I hope they come around. Keep your head up and do your best to focus on your own well-being so you have more love to give others. The odds are in your favor, and may they ever be.
@@rubberbiscuit99 I appreciate this more than you could ever know. Good advice from a truly good person. I will make it so.
Thank you for this encouragement. It helps. 💜
Thank you for this. I really needed this. I’m currently in this situation and it’s heartbreaking. I’ve always been close to my son, he is 12. He sees the narcissistic parent and what he does, how he responses. My ex is very angry, mean, cussing. My son has decided he doesn’t want to see me recently and he has been a lot more violent. My ex just filed a court hearing on custody, I’m assuming he wants money from me. My son takes a lot of frustration out on me, not his dad. My heart feels broken and this situation is really testing me. My faith is strong and Im trusting GOD to work this out for good. My ex has been getting away with too much. Im going to fight at the hearing, I have a lot of evidence against him. Thank you for what you said, very encouraging.
Seriously, with my mouth open - completely floored that you have so eloquently discussed, in less than 14 minutes, the nightmare that has overtaken the relationship with my two young adult daughters. It's like you were talking directly to me - and judging from the comments section, a lot of people feel the same way, pouring out their hearts in whole paragraphs. Certainly a topic that needs more light - looks like it is far more common than I ever would have guessed. God bless you for being an instrument of clarity and healing. Is there such a thing as a support group for parents and children dealing with all this pain and fall-out from a narcissistic counter - parent relationship? It's helpful as well to hear the perspective from kids that are still trying to figure everything out, since my own children are not at the point where they will talk to me. Thank you, thank you.
I am 20 now I grew up in this situation hopefully as they get older they will be able to see through the manipulation of the narcissistic parent. In my case with my non narcissistic parent gone the more direct actions instead of going towards the parent came to my brother and I. They don’t change their behavior just their targets with you gone they’ll have to learn what you already know. If you can stay close enough to help them manage that pain.
I remind myself daily that I did all I could for my children and I’m sure you did too. Now we must go on. It’s really hard to do that at times I know. It’s some relief to realize we are not alone in our suffering. I understand this grief and loss and I feel for you.
Same! It’s awful!
I was married to a covert narcissist for 37 years and finally left for good 4 years ago I recently stood up to my adult daughters because they’re very abusive towards me and oh boy they didn’t like that everything is my fault and I’m not taking responsibility and blame shifting ( I have no problem taking accountability for my actions) I suggested counseling together and they won’t do that because they don’t trust me🤷♀️ I’m mentally and emotionally drained from this because all I ever wanted was a healthy relationship with them but it’s an up hill battle just trying to make that happen😰
I have never listened to an explanation of this topic that gave me more clarity. I have experienced these exact issues. The waiting is excruciating. I finally have grandchildren who can see through the lies. But it has taken years. Thank you Dr. Ramani for the work you do to save us!
Grateful for your comment.🙂
I know what you mean... it seems like an eternity. Hopefully one day my kids will see how to handle this. They know but they don't do the right thing.
Research says intermittent spoiling & abusing children significantly impacts their psyche, greater than autocratic households. I have a grown son who was the golden child, it didn't end well for anybody. I feel so terrible bringing a child into this world with a narc. I hope one day my son comes back. My two other children figured it out in their adulthood. Thank you for talking about this phenomena. It's a painful one:(
God bless you. My daughters are 18 and 23, the youngest is the golden child. The suffering and the unknown element is so intense.
@@aylan.6212 I can't put the slow motion horror into words. I went through counseling and learned to accept it. But the grief will never go away. I try to focus on career, family and unplug in nature. Dr. Ramani's healing class has helped along with reading/watching psycho education.
I experienced seven years being separated from my children after my ex failed to return them to me after a summer vacation. brain washing them .....its a long story....but now they are adults and they lash out at me by continuing to support their father. but I contuse to love them, try to keep a regular relationship with them. I am the safe target. it hurts, but they have to find their truth. years of tears of being the so called bad parent hurts but I know my truth! I never speak bad about their father, nor have any contact with him. I know their pain, and they are starting to see my truth. they dont realize his abuse, and he uses money and status to keep them entangled ....but now they are adults and married they are waking up slowly....I love them so much that I never make them choose. it does get better, its a slow process but being my true self is finally pay off. I do keep a journal so when im no longer in this world they dont self blame themselves for everything that happened. I never blame their dad, I leave that for my therapy lol... they may never fully understand and thats not my fault! I do remain consistent ....I pray one day they can resolve their pain, it took me 50 years. all I can do is love them, but love myself first ...sur it hurts but thats a part of life. I love my children so much that I have had to let them go .... I know my truth and god willing they will find theirs!
My three children have been adults for thirty years and have become their father. I thought they would grow up and see the situation for what it is but this has not happened. I finally decided I needed some peace in my remaining years and have stepped back from them almost entirely. Leaving m ex was like leaving a cult.
I have no words. You just described everything I'm going through and have been going through for soo long..
Thank you for this video about children of narc parent & the "bad parent.". Describes the miserable time I had bringing them up with him. He's still here, but they are now adults, thankfully not here. I sacrificed so much for them and never ever received any appreciation. Includes Mother's Day card - never. We are estranged for good reason. Everyday is a struggle being older now coping with their dad. Can't help loving them, but don't want to be around them. Most of the time I'm ok. Holidays are bad & the narc husband is worse then. No family either.
Pleased to see co-parenting with a narcissistic personality disorder addressed!!! Thank you 🙏🏻 so much!!! More videos, please!!!!
YES, more videos please.
@@christinefrench3222 Sorry but there is someone impersonating Dr Ramani in the comments. Please be careful. I and other regular Dr Ramani Viewers are trying to report these Commentators.
Yes, been waiting for this one! More please - so much need here.
This really hit home! I so wish I had heard this 20 years ago when my youngest daughter was a teenager. I was her whipping boy because her narcissistic father paid no attention to us. Now my oldest daughter has taken on the role of blaming me for the divorce that I waited 45 years to get. I have learned that she is very much like her father, listens to all of his lies, and now blames me for everything. The dysfunction that this man created in our family makes me so sad.
My husband said he used to think he was the only person this had ever happened to, it helps knowing their is a community of people trying to heal from the same abuse. His child has been completely alienated.
Yep! It’s “my fault for breaking up our family” my abusive husband tells me this and he is installing it in my 14,18, and 22 year old. So horrible!
I am so in the thick of this right now. Over 15 years worth and the results are beyond devastating. I maintained for years especially because my children were very aware when they were young. Then they were taken states away because of over 12 years of a crafted false, slanderous narrative coupled with a biased judge (who also is severely narcissistic and divorced).
Over the course of just a few years my children no longer remember the truth they always came to me with, fought for, insisted on and, most painfully, they don’t believe in me anymore. I never realized just how much their belief in me and their fight for truth strengthened me. Now that it is all gone and they behave with contempt toward me spewing the slanderous narrative that they once so fervently denied, the grief is beyond comprehension. Just as Dr Ramani said, keeping up the facade to try to fight the narrative has become impossible.
I have always been the truth teller and I struggle so much watching the children I sought to protect, intentionally built deep trust and healthy bonds with in the hope they too would know what safety and security is and how to discern truth from deception, modeled and supported them with healthy boundaries for their whole lives just to see them abandon it one by one. First the oldest with a year of living with my ex (16 years old when primary custody was switched), then my second born after 1 1/2 years, now the youngest after 3 years. It’s truly been more than my heart can bear… over 20 years worth of severe narcissistic abuse and losing the greatest treasure and strength in the end. I admit, I am at a total loss trying to comprehend all this myself and truly don’t know how to respond to the total lack of empathy and full blown self absorbed mindsets my children (who were once the most loving, empathetic, caring, giving, and strong children), have become. The shock is of this outcome is bewildering. The pain is off the charts.
Being a truth teller, I can’t gaslight myself anymore and say, “focus on you”, “focus on your own life, hobbies, etc” to cope. The truth is, nothing matters to me more than the ones I love. A fact I have often felt was a curse throughout my life. I’ve tried everything I can to change it, but a cold heart was never an option, but what would ultimately try to creep in. I’m most guilty of being selfish in wanting healthy, loving, harmonious relationships filled with grace and effective communication. Sacrificing for them was a no brainer and is still an automatic response at times. I didn’t even realize how much I was sacrificing for them until they turned. Then flash backs hit and continue with a relentless grip on my heart and mind. I’m often a sitting duck because my health has become fully debilitating keeping me bedridden most the day. There is little to no opportunity to dive into any of my various passions… those too have been robbed from so many years of the ongoing trauma coupled with a chronic illness that effects the bodies stress response, and overall functionality; my body was already broken in the area that I need it to be strongest in. It’s like having two broken legs and feet while being chased by ravenous lions and needing to be able to run away. You can only hobble and use your arms…eventually the wounds build up, the lions increase, the body begins to completely fail and the lions begin to feast; willpower is there, albeit weak, but the body isn’t able to be driven by it anymore. Losing my most treasured children after fighting for so many years to stay strong for them and teach and lead them in truth and love, the trauma and grief is undeniable. The Pollyanna in me has been beaten to near death. I have no answers. I have very little understanding of how any of this is possible except evil is real and there is no end to its cruelty and no bottom to its depth… it will do *anything* far and beyond what a conscience mind can even imagine possible. The wake of its destruction touches all those in proximity to its target. Truly mind boggling and effectively isolating.
If I have any hope in me at all it remains solely and fervently on the foundation that this is not my home. I do all I can to fix my gaze heavenward (it’s a battle, don’t get me wrong). The LORD is the only one I have that will never abandon me even though my heart and soul cry out in tears feeling as though He has forsaken me because the grief becomes overwhelming. I am grateful I am not alone in this. Job, David, Jeremiah, Isaiah, Elijah, Paul and all the apostles, and most notably, Jesus, have endured the depth of grief and sorrow as well.
I did this to my father. He died at 51, before I woke up to my mother's narcissism. Today, at 62, it is the one huge regret in my life. That I never got the chance to say, " I am so sorry" I'm crying writing this, it hurts so deeply what I did because of her.
You just explained my life with my daughter after her narcissistic father moved to another state when she was 12. He stopped paying child support, invited her to visit him in his new home, and then he and his new wife told her she was going to live with them. I can't tell you the nightmare it was to get her back home with me. He cut all contact with her for five years and began to forge a relationship with her as a young adult. Guess who has taken the hit for this abuse...me. To this day, my daughter takes out her anger on me. She's 43 and married a man who is also narcissistic. Their kids are a basket case. She sees none of this. Thank God, I'm learning to set boundaries for myself. The grief is beyond belief.
To give anyone who’s going through this hell hope - We already went through this. I had to take major leadership to fix it. It’s harmonious and pretty healthy in our house now.
Ignore the fake account trying to impersonate Dr Ramani. I'm reporting it. Everyone who comes across this scammer should also report them.
@@twinmomma2011 I have tried to report it as well.
@@amac2573 I also went to report the channel itself. If you click on them and go to their channel you can report user. You can select they are impersonating someone. You will need Dr Ramani's channel link to paste into the form to show who the user is impersonating. I got tired of reporting every comment so I reported the user.
This is so helpful!! I NEVER thought of it this way and it completely makes sense why my oldest daughter takes out her frustration on me. I could not understand why. Thank you for this information ❤️
Same here...my oldest daughter has me constantly feeling grief and despair. Her lack of empathy reminds me so much of her mother.
I was extremely unhappy with my non-narcissistic parent. NOT to try to earn the love of the narcissist (never wanted his love anyway), but because that parent was an enabler. She turned a blind eye towards all the abuse, and refused to help me during the many times I pleaded for her help. She'd say things like, "that's between you and your father" or "I'm not going to get involved." In fact, she point-blank said, "you and your father don't get along, and I blame you." Meanwhile, I endured a torturous childhood of physical and verbal abuse, at the hands of what I now know was a narcissist.
This is so sad!!! On one hand, it's hard to blame the child when they may not even understand the dysfunctional family dynamics they are apart of. And you can't blame the healthy parent for not knowing what to do or how to respond to their spouse or child.
We were SO MEAN to my mother. I feel extremely compassionate for her now. Alas, she died 2 months ago & I hope that my flying monkey brothers are beginning to see what we did to her.
I cant believe my ears and eyes. You are explaining my situation to a tee. Alienated, shamed, unable to move forward. This is validation and gives hope. My oldest sees this and is struggling desperately to hold on to what he values and knows to be true about the father he loves. I'm constantly trying to hide my emotions to prove the narc wrong, by being overly happy and confident to let my sons know I'm still here and can pull up from my depression. But he's just too smart and sees my pain. I only hope that I've planted enough seeds of love, time, and example to harvest the joy of our relationship once again. Co-parenting has been beyond a nightmare and to top it off, the narc has just earned an online masters in psychology, validating her every diagnosis of me. This is one of the most insidious forms of child abuse I have ever seen, and I have to stay completely silent about it or I will be falling into a every trap that has been laid. I spent every cent I had to hire attorneys for half parenting time and won. If I would have never fought and put in the time for my children to have a relationship with me, I would have never had a chance. Don't stop fighting! Don't stop planting seeds. Time is our best ally. Thank you DR. Ramani.
This is pure evil to turn a child.
What a great and timely video. This is a nightmare in our family
My Mother who was the non narcissistic parent passed away from Cancer when I was 12. We had a very similar dynamic but I didn’t realize until it was close to the end. One of my last memories with her is me apologizing for fighting with her. She accepted it like it was nothing almost with a sense of sadness that I felt I had to apologize and I now realize it’s because of my other parent’s narcissism. I have felt so guilty for so long that my Mom didn’t know how much I loved her, because I was too young to realize I was being manipulated and when I did it was too late, this has helped a lot. Thank you ❤️.
To any parents in this situation I can’t begin to imagine how hard it is to be in your situation but please know that hanging in there will forever be appreciated by you child.
❤
For his first 15 years, one of my children asked me why his father didn't love him. I always told him that his father loved him, he just couldn't show it well. When I asked for a divorce my husband love-bombed that child - all the love he'd missed, all at once, if he would demonstrate that he hated me.
In one of our last conversations, he said he knows I love him; he just doesn't love me back.
It's been years, and I am grateful for therapy that enables me to handle the constant ache of a missing child. I have mostly accepted that I will never hear from him again. If that gives him satisfaction and peace, I honor it as best I can.
OMG!!!!!! When I listen to these specific examples and Dr. Ramani validating all I've went thru via courts, kids, abuse, and acknowledging I'm not a superhero... its like the biggest warmest huge I never got going through everything I endured.
Thank you thank you thank you for making this channel and information available to someone who definitely can't afford therapy.
Oh wow, this title! I grew up with a narcissistic mother married a narcissistic man, pretty classic. 🙄 I have been treated as a nobody who can be maligned my whole life. It’s insane that you can be a loving, balanced and fair person and treated like garbage. I caught on pretty quick and divorced him but that didn’t stop his destruction or my mother’s. My ex felt entitled to ruin his children because after all I caused the divorce by needing to live myself. I wasn’t entitled to anything according to anyone in my life. I have one child that survived it but he still doesn’t acknowledge my experience even though I was his support system and changed his life for the better in enumerable ways. Thanks for this outlet.💖
ummm spot on I have been trying to figure out why my granddaughter was so aggressive towards me and it was her mothers aggression she was mirroring/channeling wanting mom to give her the same love attention I was giving to give her.
This is the most validating video yet and I’ve been following you for years. I wept. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You’re work has literally changed my life.
This is my life, and it is a living hell. I am also gaslighted by both husband and daughter for having crippling health issues. I struggle with my will to live. Thank you Dr Ramani for addressing this. I hope you have an influence on other therapists somehow, especially over this issue
Tears rolling down the cheek, I am holding on to faith and taking a deep dive into the black hole. God save my children. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
Brought me to tears , literally what I’m going through daughter is 9 and I have this radical acceptance and I pray she will in time come out better then I came in. It definitely feels like a jail sentence but the older she gets the more I become hopeful. It does take faith and lots of preserving.
Oh my goodness!! This is my daughter to a tee! It confuses me so much and it’s so hurtful. You are amazing. Thank you for this! ❤️
This is just amazing. I have been living this hell for 2 years. I spent a lot of time thinking i was either in a pin ball machine or some psychological horror story. I then spent a lot of time and money on therapy, mindfulness and spiritual process to try to work out what was going on and to cope. Today, hearing you say these words, Dr Ramini, its like magic, that this is a thing, that someone else truly understands this battle. Thank you with all my heart xxx
Best video ever. It's nearly impossible to maintain the positive mindset when I have to co-parent with a toxic ex who has brainwashed out child for 17 years. She is in too deep to see the light. Amazing video.
I am feeling relief from the fact that I'm separated from my narc husband for almost a year,and very strange to say,I feel like my daughter is mirroring my ex,I feel like she is hating me,and I am trying my best,Shae always takes her dad's side, judges me and accuses me with absurdity, I was very abused by her dad,my two other kids have compassion for me and see things the way they are.
I try to never talk badly about there dad,but I honestly feel abused by my child witch sounds absurd, and I feel like I'm being victimized again,it's really terrible.
Thanks again Dc Ramaniwe really need your help!😊
Exactly what I'm going through with my oldest daughter, and her narcissistic mother. Even though she herself has had to call the cops on her mom for abuse she did to me. She is now acting out at me, and I'm just creating a bigger space of unconditional love towards my oldest.
Ouch! This is timely. My children are adults now but when they were younger I made many sacrifices for them. Their narcissistic father provided financial support (as did I) but not a lot of social and emotional support. For years he said I was the reason the family broke up (not his toxic and selfish behavior) because I left him. Now, I find that two of my three adult children have a tendency to be disdainful and dismissive of me while trying to curry their father's favor. It hurts but at least one of them sees the picture clearly, respects me, and appreciates the love and support I continue to show all three of them.
I’m gonna guess that your ex is not a narcissist(well, he is in your mind I guess), and that probably has a lot to do with why your kids like him so much better than they like you. Or maybe he was just less abusive than you.
I wanted to thank you, Dr Ramani. Thanks to you I’m becoming free of my narcissist partner. It got to the point that I reached out to the hospital because I thought I was going mental when in reality it was gaslighting all the time. I literally think that you have saved mines and my childrens’ life.
Thank you so much Dr Ramani, you are such a lovely, heroic and fearless truth teller and guide - don’t stop. Meanwhile i feel the rest of the psychological and therapy community has a Lot to answer for, thank you for continuing to call them out.
I never thought this could ever happen to me! After all I had my child in my 40’s & have always thought of her as a beautiful miracle & treated her as gold! She began treating me badly, disrespecting me as a young teenager, it continued when she left home angrily at 19, I was baffled! My husband & I separated due to his infidelities when she was 23, the rudeness & temper tantrums towards me increased! I was horribly confused since I remained the same attentive & caring Mum! I knew at this stage that my ex was alienating her, over the years he had somehow convinced her that he was her knight in shining armour & I was the ogre & who was in desperate need of help mentally!!! I am most definitely of sound mind just unbelievably disturbed by the fact that for the past 3 years since my daughter moved to a big City she is barely in touch! Having blocked me from all social media I’m only permitted text messaging & if at all she takes forever to reply! She is now 29! I am very much aware of her involvement in her Dads life! It’s incredibly sad (constant heartache!) & perplexing how she’s pushed me away, almost as if I don’t exist! I, the innocent party have been alienated & there’s nothing I can do!!!!
I have watched many of your videos Dr Ramini, especially when talking on this subject...You have helped me considerably with your kind words & compassion, just the validation is enough to let me know that this is a real thing! Thank you!
Dr Ramani, I haven't even watched this yet and just the title alone is giving me reason to tell you immediately for me this one broken hearted mum in the UK this is EXACTLY what I needed at EXACTLY the right moment and I have so much love respect and gratitude for you, one mama to another, woman to woman, warrior to warrior, loving being to loving being. Thank you for all you do ❤️ ❤️ ❤️
Me too Nat :( It's the most awful feeling in the world, but I won't give up. Just this morning I left my son a message of love and connection. Somewhere through the fog I know he listens and will break through the cognitive dissonance. Woman to woman, warrior to warrior, mother to child.
Right there with you mumma, through boundaries and modeling self respect they do start to learn what feels more true and comfortable though
OMG! I’ve never been more validated. I left the pro-baseball playing, porn-addicted narc 20 years ago. TODAY…..2 sons, ages 41 and 38 STILL rage on me… currently estranged. One is active alcoholic and the other 7 yrs sober. Last I spoke with the younger one, all I could say was, “Im sorry but I AM NOT your problem.” I’ve been a recovery coach for ten years coaching parents of alcoholics/addicts and I’ve experienced the most horrific shame and battering in spite of having the awareness of what is happening. My therapist said they are raging because they will never get the approval of their narc dad. Thank you Dr. Ramani…Thank you! It’s a terribly lonely journey and yes, my faith in God and the level head of my youngest (33 yrs) are the reasons I haven’t lost my mind. Sometimes I think I have. However I’m trusting they will mature (not the drinker yet) enough to be able to “regulate” and see the whole picture. And….the narc married a narc who viciously hates me. Flying monkeys everywhere. Shitstorm. Meanwhile, holidays suck as I have three granddaughters I can’t see. All so sick.
I went through this with my children for such a long time. When I finally had the courage to leave after 27 years. After all the years of the narcissist brainwashing , gaslighting etc.They chose to stay with him and this was my greatest disappointment and shock. They lashed out all the time when I was there and I started to fear them and him .....all of this worked in his favour and played into his despicable game. Even now, it seems they still lash out at me as a habit. I'm working very hard at trying to be fearless now and communicate my feelings to the kids. Gosh the struggle is real and long
This makes so much sense, and unfortunately can be multi-generational. That waiting and hoping is painful, but eventually, they do get it. Can't teach a social worker anything, but eventually, they do get it.
Dr Ramani does not ask people to contact her privately. Please be careful of the Commentator who is impersonating her.
Thank you for speaking about this subject, as it is so difficult to find your bearing. After ending a 20+ year emotional abusive marriage with a narcissist, a 4 year divorce arbitration, he just bought the rural home beside me and alienated my youngest 14 year old daughter….who is the golden child of the three kids.I have finally found a deeply emotionally nurturing relationship, but it feels as though the battle will never be over.
WOW! Now I understand what is going on with my children! I have 7 children and 3 are adults now. The good news is that my 3 adult sons now realize I’m not the bad person anymore! The only hope I have is hoping my other 4 children will realize it to when they become adults! I know no matter what I have to continue to be their mom and actually parent them! It’s hell being stuck with a narcissist but it’s definitely Devastating when your children constantly go against you and back the narcissist!
Thank you one of the best videos. I thought I was losing my patience 😪. I have every right to feel frustrated when my family says put happy face on.
I can only say that this has been the most challenging aspects of coping with marriage, divorce and having children with narcissistic ex. Thank you so much for talking about this so very painful experience, so much grief and trauma related to this for myself and all of those who have children with abusive partner. I had started to come this understanding and realization of how my children are trying to manage their anger and cope with their own grief and trauma from having an abusive father. During the marriage, used to absorb all the the guilt, shame and blame myself during the marriage but in leaving and healing I have learned that I don’t have to do this any longer. I sometimes still struggle with guilt about leaving and divorce because I feel like no matter what I do, I can’t shield them completely from the toxic behaviors of their father. I try to be kind, patient and compassionate towards both myself and my children in this process. I have had to engage in that radical acceptance and allow myself to grieve. My younger son has opened up to me about his feelings of anger, frustration, disappointment sadness and confusion about his father’s behaviors, despite having moments where he vents that anger towards me. I try to keep a safe open space where he knows he has someone he can trust and depend on and that he is not ever alone. That’s what I wish I had when I was enduring narcissistic abuse as a child, it’s so confusing and a child can feel so powerless in these situations. It is my hope that this may decrease his pain and grief and allow him to feel that he has a sense of autonomy and empowerment and know he is loved always no matter what happens. That is my hope and prayer for all children and survivors of narcissistic abuse!💜🙏
Such beautiful & kind words, what an amazing Mum !
Holding space for your son , I so totally agree with you, they didn't ask for a narcissistic parent, we brought our babies into this world
If I didn't have my children, I would never have had the ability to fight like a tigress in the courts, to make their home a safe place to grow up, to have friends around, to grow up with their pets etc
Hell would freeze over if I allowed them to experience my own childhood
They brought out my warrior spirit & I will always love them , unconditionally ❤
I lost my adult daughter to my ex-narcissistic partner after he discarded me and left me homeless after 18 years... She (i believe) played quite a big part in helping to make me homeless... .... he is her step-father, not even her biological father.... She turned her back on me and my whole family... She was well and truly brainwashed by him... It has taken me a long time (6 1/2 years) to finally feel as if i am healing and coming to terms with it all.. she is my only child ..
I needed this. I feel dead and was up ruminating. Now I have a job interview. This stuff ruins lives.
Oh Thank You for this video. I will watch it often as I come to peace with this part of the injustice in my own world.
Dr Ramani , how do you always know what's happening in my life? Thank you - I've been feeling so resentful of both the narc and my teen, for being so alike. But now I know I have to show compassion and stay real for my child, and I just realized it's actually a compliment that he feels safe and more open with his emotions with me, as much as it hurts and devastates me to be the weaker, sadder, no fun parent in my child's eyes.
But at least I am genuine, and am not going to bribe my son the way his father does, to curry favor with him.
🙏Thank you Dr. Ramani. I needed to hear this. Probably several times for a long time. Children are destroyed in the grip of a narcissistic parent. It is worse than heartbreaking. This was even clear during our trial and the judge gave him more time. I am supposed to smile, not show my anxiety and pick up the pieces each time they return. Do NOT have children with a narcissist!!
I've never wanted to hug someone so much! I bet there are parents here, who felt like you were talking specifically to them. I feel this way for sure. The help you provide is immeasurable, thank you so much!
I didn't know how much I needed love, empathy and understanding right now. Thank-you, Dr. Ramani, for being there and doing this for me and everyone else suffering from narcissistic abuse and parental alienation. The children suffer great emotional and psychological harm, more so than any other form of abuse and due to the narcissist infestation of most key institutions, the alienating, narcissistic parent is more often enabled, encourage and rewarded for it.
It is life-threatening for the children. At a minimum, it destroys their potential in life. It is how the disease is spread to the next generation.
I'm so grateful I never had kids with mine. Much love to everyone going through this. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤️
Yes....my two sons were groomed to view me as the problem in the family...even I was brainwashed to believe it!
Couldn t see it at the time, but now after discovering decades later I was married to a covert narcissist , it is so obvious ...My now adult sons still seem to have an underlying, unspoken resentment towards me.....They know nothing of what their father did to me....and if I try to speak about it they will say" That was 30 years ago.. we don t want to hear it".
It's an unhealthy dynamic ....I m working to heal us all. Their father is fine with letting them believe the narrative- of course, because in it HE is the "good guy" and I am villified.....
Women who paint their sons/daughters out to be their abusers are almost always psychopathic. Women are supposed to prioritize our children above everyone else, as long as we are alive. And if something goes wrong with our children, as far as their mental health, good mothers look at ourselves and try and figure our where we went wrong. Women online, who truly believe that their sons have done them wrong, probably made some sort of sexual advance towards their sons, and were turned down. Psychopathic women will always prey upon their male children(sexually), and even their female children, though this is much less common. Of course these women have no self awareness, so if this is suggested to them, they will accuse you of being a pervert or having a dirty mind. They probably don’t even remember what happened, because of their lack of self awareness, and really their entire lack of self. Your ex very well could have been a narcissist, but if your sons chose the narcissist over you, it’s because you did something very terrible to them, and your ex didn’t do that thing.
well that "underlying, unspoken resentment...." you could do the same, tell them to get over it, it was in the past years back [like they say to you, it's been 30 yrs we don't want to hear it], and that you two divorced each other not them.
My "kid" is now 30. What a total mess he is. I fought the ex, I fought the courts. He turned 18 I refused to talk/interact with the ex. She used him, lied to him, used and lied to everyone around them. She distanced him from anyone, Grandmother, aunt's, uncle's, family friends, that were there and could tell him the truth.
I won't deal with her, or him at this point. I've been in a great relationship for 15 years. I've attained higher education, built a successful professional career. She can fit in hell, and this is hell for her.
For many years...too many years, my child thought it was us against him. Now that we have undone the layers upon layers of emotional abuse, he and I understand that my choices kept the Narcissist in our lives. I need to own that...it's a part of my healing. However, we are working together to put it behind us, to know we both deserve more. The most difficult part is the sense of injustice that comes from the Narcissist coming out of the whole thing as though he was victimized by us! It's the most difficult layer to let go of...our truth will only ever be important to our inner circle. Whatever he puts out into the world about us has to stop mattering to us, if we ever have a hope of healing from this.
The sense of injustice, yes! It is so hard to witness the narcissistic winning by manipulation. I feel that frustration in my situation , too. Thank you for sharing. 💜
My narcissistic mother really hated our dad for divorcing her and did and said everything she could with some success to turn us against him. The lies she told were unbelievable. Fortunately, my dad seemed to understand and was patient. With time we all ended up pulling away from my mother. To the end of his life, my dad was very restrained around my mother but admitted once that he could never forgive her for what she did to all of us. Now that my dad is gone and my mother is old and pathetic, I feel almost the same way. The narrative has changed. Now to listen to my mother, my dad was the love of her life and we could have been happy if he hadn't divorced her. She denies ever saying all those horrible things about him or trying to alienate us from him.🙄
Being the safer target is getting less and less painful. You have many wise points.
This topic hits so deep, I saw the video description a couple of days ago and planned to watch. Back in March, my narc ex(still living together) left and abandoned her dog, her 13yr&12yr daughter, our 8 yr old son while she shacked up for a month in a lodge with a woman, then once that fling was over she was right back in the home, I called her out in front of the kids for leaving them like that, blowing almost $9k in tax money only to come back with $2k and had only spent $300 on them, she stayed in their room and kept the door closed, exposing them to the people she chatted with, and when I tried to get them to do chores, she would attempt to talk over me, disrespect me, well the 12 yr old wanted to come live with me once I move and I was about to buy I knew she would use that as a way to get back in. Sadly their dad is a narcissist that is serving life in prison for murder, now while we are at the store yesterday, my 12 yr old wants to go with me, only to say hurtful things to me which she has never did before, the 13 yr old has been on her side the whole time and my 8 yr old son would yell out things like "I hate you" a few years back, I didn't know how to deal with that because I am a very loving father, a few days ago while I was playing with him, he yells out, " that's why you don't have a girlfriend" to appease his mom and sisters, I'm deeply considering leaving them all because it's been hell as I've been the only one concerned about these kids well being, I mean when I called her out, she admitted in front of them that she didn't have a plan for them. But the one child that was always loving said things to me yesterday like, " it's funny you're always getting ignored" and even your car doesn't like you. All of this has hurt me to my core and the only thing I can think is to achieve my peace at all costs and maybe down the line away from her they will get that I was the one who truly cared for them. Thank you so much Dr. Ramani for this enlightening discussion.
This is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you Dr. Ramani ❤️
Dr. Ramani, I cannot begin to tell you how much your videos have helped me understand the immense trauma I have been through with a Covert Narc husband of over 20 years and now dealing with a child who is beating up on me as she forges an alliance with her father and his new family. I so needed to hear today’s message as I am at such a low point. In my neck of the woods, there are no therapists who deal with Narcissistic Abuse sufferers, can you guide me to a resource please.
Beating up on you physically? You should probably call the cops in that case. I highly doubt your ex is a covert narcissist. Dr. Ramani caters to female psychopaths just like herself, and you all fall for it so hard, because she allows you to maintain your victim mentality, while directing all of your anger at the wrong people. And because so many of you were victimized by your fathers, you can only see men as perpetrators, and you probably see your female children as enablers of your abuse, because your codependent mother enabled your father.
Please be cautious of “personal” responses from Dr Ramani. I responded to one and got hold of a scammer / impersonator who used her name and then tried to sell me Bitcoin!
As the child of a narcissistic dad, what really made me empathise with my mum was trying to support a friend through the pure hell she was put through by her daughter's narcissistic dad.
So thankful for you Dr. Ramani! This makes perfect sense...all of your sessions have helped me sort out my levels of hurt and make sense of my former situationship and begin to heal.
So true how the adolescent children mirror the narcissist parent. And win them over with money...
Thank you for understanding, Dr Ramani.
My child used to do that to me to please her covert granny who'd persuaded her that they were soulmates. My mother made my child her golden child and I was the scapegoat. They heaped contempt on me for decades but, in my mid-fifties, I've finally let go the false hopes and am free of them. It's sad. We could have loved each other.
The strength my mother showed in the face of this adversity even when I was unwilling manipulated against her shaped me into the person I am today. Without her resilience and empathy I am afraid of who I might have become.
Aloha 🌺🌈 from northern Germany. Thank you sooooo much for your description! You helped me to heal. Now I understand what happened to me in my childhood and why I couldn't understand why I feel like I feel to my parents and why there is no way to have a real good time with them. So I find peace in myself by taking a big distance from them.
Actually this helps A LOT. THANK YOU. I say if you got nothing to lose, show them this video (IF THEY ARE OLD ENOUGH). Just having an educated psychologist (educated as in they understand it), spell it out like this is very helpful for validation. And you spelled it out PERFECTLY.
One of my children has spoken to me only once in 4 years. He is turning 30 next year. I am accepting that, barring some radical event, we will never speak again.
I did make a mistake I left 17 days before Thanksgiving and did not tell him I would not be back until 5 days before. Of course he believed his father's tales. And, until I watched this, I blamed myself entirely for the breach. Thank you, Dr
Thank you Dr. Ramani. There are too many narcissists to count but when it comes down the line to your only child the impact feels suicidal. A slammed phone call gave me the opportunity to say yes, I will take that out for my own protection and self preservation now. Narcissists do not know they are and I cannot fix it.
Thank you Dr. Ramani. I’ve been going through this and it’s so insidious that I have not been able to explain it to anyone. The very few times I have tried, it’s too many details spread out over time that people don’t grasp what is happening or don’t want to and so I have just stopped trying to explain and have felt very isolated. Thank you for articulating this so well. I feel validated and less alone. I have renewed resolve to continue to give my best effort to counteract this toxicity instead of giving up out of sheer exhaustion.
Pure genius!!! As the targeted parent I find your videos very therapeutic and you do help me understand the mess I’m in and help me to keep hope alive.
Finally you touch on this subject. Now you need to talk about when these children grow up and continue to use the empathetic parent as a punchingbag.
From the kids perspective I feel so guilty that I did this to my dad (mom is the narc) and since he passed a couple of years ago, I can't tell him sorry anymore. I didn't know what I didn't know, at the time I did it, my dad and us kids weren't aware of what happened, our dad didn't deserve this though.
I've been trying to work out this dynamic for some time now using a jumbled mess of thoughts. Thank you for giving cognitive clarity Dr. Ramani, your work has helped me to live again 🤗🙏
I think it's so important to make sure you consistently build your child self-esteem. I keep my son in sports and find things that allow him to see different perspectives of the world. He is at a point where he has learned to grey rock his own father, on his own. I focus on teaching him 4 rules:
Control your emotions
Education is a must
Pause and think about it
Listen
Modeling and showing your child how to deal with the narcissist parent in a positive way is a must. Fight to help your babies find their identities and a sense of belonging. I'm a daughter of a narcissist mother and a alcoholic dad. I'm teaching my son all my survival tools I have since I know the pain of coming from a narcissist parent.
The answers for children of these toxic mix:" Build" self esteem, Find child strength and weakness, Find avenues for the child to have a sense of belonging, nature and acknowledge their gifts and last allow open communication to express emotions and vocalize in a healthy way.
My kids other parent is very narcissistic. This really hits home with me and my family. Thank you for making this.
Thank you! You summed up the past few years of my life in this video. There have been times that I've begun to think that I was losing my mind. As much as it saddens me to hear that others have had to endure this, I'm also relieved to know that it's not all in my head.
Hi Jeff. It's not all in your head! These patterns are real and very difficult. I hope my videos have provided some clarity and tools to help you cope. Thanks so much for your generous support!
100%. A flood of tears. 17 years into parenting. Separated for 1+ year now. Six kids, youngest is five. I can't do this any more at all, let alone 13+ more years. I can't function, and I hate who I have become. No wonder they hate me too. There is no help and no hope and no point to any of this.
I thought the marriage was unbearable until I started to co parent with my ex. I’m so happy none of the kids took after him. But my youngest comes home confused and unsettled many times. I’m blamed for everything that has ever gone wrong according to my ex. I was finally able to make my son understand he needs to talk to me whenever his dad says anything he doesn’t understand. I’m very careful to explain things in a way that doesn’t make his dad look bad. I don’t want my son to hold back if I need to know something. I fought really hard to keep the kids from being like him. So far so good but……..
My children see it now. I waited patiently for that, it was the most exhausting and painful part of my life. Now the grief for their unhappy childhood and adolescence is immense, both my grief and theirs.
You hit the nail on the head. The destruction is immense and unbelievable despite repeated efforts to stay connected with my children. They were 8, 9, and 15 when we parted with me divorcing him because he wanted to look good in the eyes of the community. I was forced out; imagine some type of criminal activity, but uncertain. There are lies, deceit, manipulation, and even corrupt court systems working with the evil, unfortunately. I was told by a psychologist that my situation never would have happened had I lived in a larger city with my children. I never turned to drugs or alcohol and have continued to face it all head on. Extremely tough; believe me you. My faith continues and I have had the support of many truly good people throughout my difficult journey, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I will never stop loving my children. The way in which I love them and care for them is unconventional. My hopes are for a better future with my children. It may never come and this I know even though I don’t want to believe it. There is more good in this not-so-great world than evil. I have witnessed the good first hand. May God bless you and keep you for helping so many with this channel. I have shared it with my children. I believe knowledge is power. And to all those who suffer because of the abuse, I will continue to pray for your strength because strength lives far deeper than in muscle and bone. Living healthy is your best defense.