My people pleasing was learned in my chaotic home as a child. I carried this into adulthood, and ended up being married to a narcissistic, abusive man where I perfected my people pleasing skills. I am so grateful those days are behind me.
Thank you for this comment. I am IN your situation with a very difficult marriage (almost 25 years 😮), and it is a great comfort to me to know that there are better times ahead. You make me feel like I am not alone❤. You can never predict who's life you make a difference in😊
@@Dr.DorisTorres Thank you for sharing that - it’s so powerful that you recognized the toll staying silent was taking on you! Silence CAN be a way to stay safe. I do hope you’re on the other side of all that now… and have reclaimed your voice! 🤗
I was a people pleaser for so long that I no longer knew what I wanted or enjoyed! I would look at a situation and think if I say what I really want it will end up in an argument or the person that I was with will end up complaining about it the whole time so it was just easier to pick what he wanted to do. As I begin to learn what I like and where I want to go it is much easier for me to speak up. Plus, I no longer pick men who are not open to my suggestions and my wants.
I just heard that your values are your beliefs, and integrity is the ACTIONS you do that align with your values. I have thought about this and see that I need to work on my integrity 😮. No one can know my values cause I repress everything.
Sometimes we don’t even know our values because we’ve “listened” to other’s voices for so long that we don’t know what’s theirs vs ours. Values and beliefs definitely go hand-in-hand and they will drive our behavior. Our values and beliefs reside in the unconscious and we cannot outperform our subconscious mind. So if you have limiting beliefs that don’t serve you, your behaviors will reflect those beliefs. For example, I tried for months and months to stop people pleasing (to say ‘no’ more often and put myself first), but I kept boomeranging back to my old ppl pleasing behavior. It was because I had a negative belief that was driving my behavior. I couldn’t “outperform” that belief. You may be repressing bc of a belief you have. I have a free clarity call if you’d like to chat further about this. The link for a call is in the video description.
Grew up as youngest in family with a highly unwell Mom. From earliest memory, I worked hard to stay as invisible unnoticeable as possible. It became what I imagined (wrongly) was a safe place.
It does create patterns in us that, as adults, don’t serve us well. But as a child, we do what we can to “survive.” It does take some time to retrain the brain so that the brain rewires a new normal, a new safe. And it IS possible, through NEUROPLASTICITY, for the brain to learn a new normal at any age! Thank you for being here and commenting! 🥰
My mother is a chronic people pleaser I think. I can’t work it out actually. It’s like she acts extremely nice but demands I also be ‘nice’ in return. If I don’t feel like being ‘nice’ she gives the silent treatment. The lack of ability to be authentic, means I can only handle seeing her for short periods of time, when I have the energy and mood to be ‘nice’. Sometimes I don’t and that’s when I can’t tolerate seeing her, in fact the thought makes me furious. I try to be more authentic with my own children. I cannot stand chronic ‘niceness’. It does feel like a form of control. I wish my mother could have been more authentic with me. I think as it would have allowed me to feel comfortable with expressing whatever mood I am in as well.
Thanks for your comment! In my experience working with women who are people pleasers and having been one myself, the silent treatment is not a people pleasing behavior. Giving the silent treatment for not complying to what the other person wants is called stonewalling and is manipulative, but typically isn’t something a people pleaser would do because a people pleaser doesn’t want to be judged as selfish or not giving, and purposefully giving the silent treatment would be considered mean or bitchy by a ppl pleaser. Good for you for managing your energy with your mom in a way that considers your own well-being first! I applaud you for that! 🥰
That was really eye-opening, thank you! I used to be a people pleaser when I was younger, but I think that life has taught me that it's important to have some boundaries and learn to say "no". Otherwise people can take advantage of you and take you for granted.
because a person who always wants to please loses his personality and over time life loses some of its meaning. there must always be a healthy balance between one's own life and the people around him.
I find it so difficult to work out when to assert my needs and when to be generous to others. So I mean ‘when is it ok to be selfish, and when do I help everyone else’?
@@deebee-ov8xc Great awareness and great question! 🥰 I have a question back to you: What do you consider selfish? What’s your definition of being selfish? It helps to think about what you were TAUGHT about being selfish. Most of us were conditioned to believe it was a bad thing to think about ourselves first… or at all. Is that your experience? Check out my video: Stop Feeling Like a Doormat. (There’s a saguaro cactus in the photo.) This is ALL about being selfish. I think it will help. 🤗
I’ve realised now that the word ‘selfish’ is an old word used all the time from my childhood in the 60s and 70’s. It was commonplace then. Nowadays the understanding is about self care being healthy and necessary and not a luxury. It’s all clicked now ! I am never going to use the word selfish in my head when I’m looking after myself. Your videos have changed my thinking. Thank you ❤
@@deebee-ov8xc I'm SOOO happy to hear that my videos have changed your perspective! I LOVE those A-HA moments!! It's all about awareness... keep digging and being curious. 😄
Hi , is the person wanting / needing help repeatedly bringing the problem on themselves by bad choices ? Have they actually shown they would like / need help? Is this person doing all the taking and none of the giving ? Do they demand , expect it? Are they or you thinking their needs / rights are greater than your own ? I am 80 and have often gone the extra mile for “ friends” who took it all for granted and , when I needed something ,were suddenly too busy ,
People pleasing is SOOOooo exhausting...trying to do what I think I should do to keep others happy...ugh. Glad I realized it during my meditation training days and changed my ways. So much more peace in living for myself.
@@breathwithbeth Yes, it’s soooo very exhausting… and it’s exhausting to other people too, right? We leave them guessing what we want, need, and how we feel about things. 🤦♀️ Thanks for commenting and sharing your experience! I’m glad you realized it too… it’s so much more peaceful on the other side of people pleasing! 🥰
@@breathwithbeth I’m curious, Beth… what was the main thing you did to break free of people pleasing? We can realize we’re doing it, but sometimes can have a hard time stopping. The steps you took could help others recognize things they could do too. I’d love for you to share! 🥰
@@MasteringMidlifeWithHeidi I love this question, Heidi! A perfect opportunity to dive into my own awareness and share it. I’m journaling on it & will make a video soon! 🩷
Comment your biggest take-away below.👇 I personally read every comment. 😊
My people pleasing was learned in my chaotic home as a child. I carried this into adulthood, and ended up being married to a narcissistic, abusive man where I perfected my people pleasing skills. I am so grateful those days are behind me.
@@kandyduns184 I’m so grateful those days are behind you too! 🥰 Thank you for sharing your story and letting others know they’re not alone! 🤗
SAME! So glad you found you're way out.
@ThisIsVirginiaKerr Thanks… I know you get it! 🥰
Thank you for this comment. I am IN your situation with a very difficult marriage (almost 25 years 😮), and it is a great comfort to me to know that there are better times ahead. You make me feel like I am not alone❤. You can never predict who's life you make a difference in😊
Staying silent became a coping mechanism in my marriage, but I realized it was toxic because I was losing my voice and myself in the process.
@@Dr.DorisTorres Thank you for sharing that - it’s so powerful that you recognized the toll staying silent was taking on you! Silence CAN be a way to stay safe. I do hope you’re on the other side of all that now… and have reclaimed your voice! 🤗
I was a people pleaser for so long that I no longer knew what I wanted or enjoyed! I would look at a situation and think if I say what I really want it will end up in an argument or the person that I was with will end up complaining about it the whole time so it was just easier to pick what he wanted to do. As I begin to learn what I like and where I want to go it is much easier for me to speak up. Plus, I no longer pick men who are not open to my suggestions and my wants.
@@wendymassey371 YAY! Amazing progress and awareness… and it feels so much freer, right? 🥳
I just heard that your values are your beliefs, and integrity is the ACTIONS you do that align with your values. I have thought about this and see that I need to work on my integrity 😮. No one can know my values cause I repress everything.
Sometimes we don’t even know our values because we’ve “listened” to other’s voices for so long that we don’t know what’s theirs vs ours. Values and beliefs definitely go hand-in-hand and they will drive our behavior. Our values and beliefs reside in the unconscious and we cannot outperform our subconscious mind. So if you have limiting beliefs that don’t serve you, your behaviors will reflect those beliefs. For example, I tried for months and months to stop people pleasing (to say ‘no’ more often and put myself first), but I kept boomeranging back to my old ppl pleasing behavior. It was because I had a negative belief that was driving my behavior. I couldn’t “outperform” that belief. You may be repressing bc of a belief you have. I have a free clarity call if you’d like to chat further about this. The link for a call is in the video description.
Grew up as youngest in family with a highly unwell Mom. From earliest memory, I worked hard to stay as invisible unnoticeable as possible. It became what I imagined (wrongly) was a safe place.
It does create patterns in us that, as adults, don’t serve us well. But as a child, we do what we can to “survive.” It does take some time to retrain the brain so that the brain rewires a new normal, a new safe. And it IS possible, through NEUROPLASTICITY, for the brain to learn a new normal at any age! Thank you for being here and commenting! 🥰
My mother is a chronic people pleaser I think. I can’t work it out actually. It’s like she acts extremely nice but demands I also be ‘nice’ in return. If I don’t feel like being ‘nice’ she gives the silent treatment. The lack of ability to be authentic, means I can only handle seeing her for short periods of time, when I have the energy and mood to be ‘nice’. Sometimes I don’t and that’s when I can’t tolerate seeing her, in fact the thought makes me furious. I try to be more authentic with my own children. I cannot stand chronic ‘niceness’. It does feel like a form of control. I wish my mother could have been more authentic with me. I think as it would have allowed me to feel comfortable with expressing whatever mood I am in as well.
Thanks for your comment! In my experience working with women who are people pleasers and having been one myself, the silent treatment is not a people pleasing behavior. Giving the silent treatment for not complying to what the other person wants is called stonewalling and is manipulative, but typically isn’t something a people pleaser would do because a people pleaser doesn’t want to be judged as selfish or not giving, and purposefully giving the silent treatment would be considered mean or bitchy by a ppl pleaser. Good for you for managing your energy with your mom in a way that considers your own well-being first! I applaud you for that! 🥰
That was really eye-opening, thank you! I used to be a people pleaser when I was younger, but I think that life has taught me that it's important to have some boundaries and learn to say "no". Otherwise people can take advantage of you and take you for granted.
Great life lessons you learned! I’m happy the video was eye-opening! Thanks for commenting. 😊
Great video Heidi! Excited for the challenge!
Thanks, Jenny... and yes, I'm excited too for StressMas! It's the 5th time I've run it and the first time here on UA-cam. 🎄
people who are nice all the time become somehow disoriented in life
@@alanalves9607 Hmmm, interesting. Do you feel it’s because they lose sight of who THEY are?
because a person who always wants to please loses his personality and over time life loses some of its meaning. there must always be a healthy balance between one's own life and the people around him.
@@alanalves9607 oh yes, I see this! Many times, the meaning our life has is what others TELL us it has! 🤦♀️
I find it so difficult to work out when to assert my needs and when to be generous to others. So I mean ‘when is it ok to be selfish, and when do I help everyone else’?
@@deebee-ov8xc Great awareness and great question! 🥰 I have a question back to you: What do you consider selfish? What’s your definition of being selfish? It helps to think about what you were TAUGHT about being selfish. Most of us were conditioned to believe it was a bad thing to think about ourselves first… or at all. Is that your experience? Check out my video: Stop Feeling Like a Doormat. (There’s a saguaro cactus in the photo.) This is ALL about being selfish. I think it will help. 🤗
I’ve realised now that the word ‘selfish’ is an old word used all the time from my childhood in the 60s and 70’s. It was commonplace then. Nowadays the understanding is about self care being healthy and necessary and not a luxury. It’s all clicked now ! I am never going to use the word selfish in my head when I’m looking after myself. Your videos have changed my thinking. Thank you ❤
@@deebee-ov8xc I'm SOOO happy to hear that my videos have changed your perspective! I LOVE those A-HA moments!! It's all about awareness... keep digging and being curious. 😄
Hi , is the person wanting / needing help repeatedly bringing the problem on themselves by bad choices ? Have they actually shown they would like / need help? Is this person doing all the taking and none of the giving ? Do they demand , expect it? Are they or you thinking their needs / rights are greater than your own ? I am 80 and have often gone the extra mile for “ friends” who took it all for granted and , when I needed something ,were suddenly too busy ,
@@deebee-ov8xc I just posted a new video today addressing your scenario further. Check it out and let me know your thoughts! 😊
People pleasing is SOOOooo exhausting...trying to do what I think I should do to keep others happy...ugh. Glad I realized it during my meditation training days and changed my ways. So much more peace in living for myself.
@@breathwithbeth Yes, it’s soooo very exhausting… and it’s exhausting to other people too, right? We leave them guessing what we want, need, and how we feel about things. 🤦♀️ Thanks for commenting and sharing your experience! I’m glad you realized it too… it’s so much more peaceful on the other side of people pleasing! 🥰
@@breathwithbeth I’m curious, Beth… what was the main thing you did to break free of people pleasing? We can realize we’re doing it, but sometimes can have a hard time stopping. The steps you took could help others recognize things they could do too. I’d love for you to share! 🥰
@@MasteringMidlifeWithHeidi I love this question, Heidi! A perfect opportunity to dive into my own awareness and share it. I’m journaling on it & will make a video soon! 🩷
@ oh YAY, I look forward to watching it! 😊
@@MasteringMidlifeWithHeidi It'll be up tomorrow at 2pm ET!