Oh my gosh. This video is a great example of why I love your content CCF! While it is good to understand the origin of my challenges with cptsd (childhood abuse, etc) - you teach me how to examine the role I play in my life - and what to do about it. Like with people pleasing. I could tell that at least some people really didn't like it. I also felt like a big phony always agreeing with people, or back pedaling on opinions if others disagreed with me. I have made being authentic (but still kind, of course) one of my priorities. I use my words to say what I think and express how I feel about things. I don't go along just to get along. I get nervous about going too far; but I figure it is better to be real with people - and make amends if I need to - than it is to be a people pleaser. I will say it is less tiring to be real. I don't feel a need to justify myself, or pretend to be something I am not anymore! 🙃 Thank you for all you do, Anna and Team CCF!
this is me in a nutshell. I don't know who I am underneath all this "niceness". I do have a layer of pure rage from all that's happened to me, and I feel like there's two sides to me: nice, and rageful. It's hard I know there's a chance I can show off a goofy quirky side to my personality but my mind freezes when Im out in public meeting people. It's like the "niceness" switch turns on and I can't turn it off.
Just keep doing the daily practice. I was like you. A therapist once told me that my sweet, soft voice is indicative of a lot of rage I was trying to push down. I didn’t want to believe it but it was true. I’ve worked through a lot of that rage and I’m not that super sweet person. It is so freeing!
@@doudouledoux4831 I have this - soft voice, sweet demeanor. people call it "calming". LOL, if only they knew. I want to break out, also. Thank u for the comments
I pay attention to how I’m feeling and I ask myself “what is this anger about?” Sometimes I don’t get an answer but if it’s way over the top to what is actually happening I know it’s something from the past that I’ve suppressed. I just let it be and say “it’s ok for you to be here” I try to just feel it and not take it out on other people or things. Just have compassion for the anger.
It’s exhausting i have always bent over backwards for people . I have always been walked on by people. I need to set boundaries for people who really don’t even care about me . People that don’t pay my bills their opinions of me should not matter. I am starting to realize that.
All of this could have been said so differently. What "people pleasers" need to hear more than anything is that they are safe to be totally themselves and they will be accepted when they do. People like me have no idea how to be accepted or loved. We learned to always say yes and people please. I didn't know that I could be myself, share my thoughts or opinions or my bad moods... I believed in the core of me that I had to hide all of that or else I would be left and rejected. If anyone is still reading. Start slowly, by practicing showing just little bits of yourself with people. Tell people when you don't like something, share a real opinion, say no, share when you're having a bad day. People really do love and prefer the authentic you, and the only way for you to find that out for yourself, is to gradually show more of yourself to people. And when you do, yes, it may scare a few people away, but it will also attract the right people to you, who like the REAL YOU.
Yeah, what kind of froze me at first was that I knew I had the wrong friends/people around me but I didn’t want to/know how to really start over… But I was miserable because I couldn’t be authentic lol And as that all could not be contained anymore, people just fell away and new people came along. It was scary to start, but it worked out. And, the new people are a lot less pressure and way worth losing the old friendships.
@@rychei5393can we also remember it's not about them anyway it's about us. There is a whole being within us that is equally as important as any other and happens to be the only one we are responsible for.
Anna, how about people pleasing NOT to get others to like you, BUT to guarantee they won’t hurt you. An abusive childhood leaves trauma and scars, as you know. Fear of others is real.
Very true, sometimes it is about not getting hurt. This comes from childhood but in adult years you can cut yourself of from people like that. I made a video on the topic recently (People pleasing) and how to stop. Feel free to watch
I’d rather be a “bitch” than be nice. I have swung the complete opposite direction. I love telling people NO. And it feels good. Maybe I will care again, but not right now.
By always trying to please everyone else, we're not allowing ourselves to be. And so we can't have genuine relationships and suffer from being alone and rejected. But we actually reject ourselves for not showing who we really are. This is so messed up. I know this very well, the story of my life sadly. The reject wound is very painful.
such a fine line between being a people pleaser and someone who genuinely has a caring personality even if they are caring as a result of having an abusive neglectful childhood, surely that's better than turning into a horrible person . For me personally if i find myself doing something for anyone and expecting something in return then I know I've fallen into possible people pleasing, when I do things for others because I genuinely just want to or want to help them then i go ahead and do so. what other people think of me as a result is none of my business
yes, I almost feel like I've got to apologize for just being me. I had a stepdad who couldn't stand me and a mom too tired for me as well as had a drinking problem. I got moved from school to school yearly, making it impossible to fit in anywhere for long. I do try too hard with the people who matter to me so this is a powerful video for me. In my next get-together, I will be cool but not aloof and try to just be myself and see what happens.
Be prepared to lose a few people - once they dont keep getting free support, people who were using that may move on or be angry at you for 'withholding' from them. They were not good friends in the first place, so it isnt a bad thing that they leave you, but it can create some negative situations - and a lot of people pleasers hate conflict. It can be helpful to have a plan for how to respond to the 'how dare you actually be yourself'!
I just become whoever im with. I don't even know what I like and don't like, but I'm finding out and it's a very good feeling. The less I care about people hanging around the more they come around. It took me 37 years to learn this.
The chameleon approach! Same here - I fit the situation. I know it is probably a learned survival technique from childhood, but I feel I have no clue who I am underneath at times. Currently working on this as I know that until I know myself, I won't know who would be a good fit as a friend/partner.
I used to be a huge people pleaser. When I couldn’t put on an act anymore, the sheer intellectual exhaustion from being a chameleon catapulted me into therapy, I then swung to the complete opposite side of the pendulum, refusing to get involved with anyone or anything that would expect something from me. I’ve been trying to strike a balance ever since, and I’ve yet to do that successfully. But I will keep trying.
This is good tough love, thank you. As a recovering People Pleaser, I made up the following easy checklist, to come back to if I get off-track. It goes: You're on TRACK if you are Truthful, Respectful, Authentic, Considerate, Kind. I've used it to check in on my behaviour, and also the behaviour of those in my relationships, and used them as starting points of conversations about improving our relationship. It's helped me let go of relationships that weren't helpful, avoid unhelpful ones coming in, and nurture the ones that deserve the work. If this helps anyone, please feel free to use and share it.
People pleasing is one of the hardest disappointments I've ever had to face and deal with. I'm currently at the point in my life to where I don't wish to make anymore 1 to 1 connections/relationships right now.
I have screwed my life being a people pleaser and didn’t even understand why. It all makes sense, thank you Anna. Would you consider recording an in depth video or a course on how not to do that? I mean on the surface it sounds easy, but my whole existence is screaming anxious that it’s now impossible to change because this is how I’ve always survived in the world. My self esteem is still super low despite and the amount of work I’ve done on myself. It’s soo hard. My mind and soul goes into a default crap fitting mode every time I’m around people… yeah, I know - pathetic 😢
Every adult relationship I've ever had has been one kind of trauma bond or another because of this exact behaviour. It is annihilating and yet freeing to hear it described as manipulation. I followed my family into this too young to ever question why things had changed, I just followed and nobody ever talked about it. I have literally lived a broken life for four decades, never knowing why to trust. I've been asked if something was wrong, point blank, and genuinely believed that overall no I'm doing well enough and I'm stable and not in immediate crisis and it's felt stable with little upset for years now so I feel I'm doing much better, yes. And I follow a learned and cherished family value to deal with those shadowy doubts privately to not be a burden and not bring your crisis to anyone, no matter what, unless you're literally dying. I never meant to deceive anyone but myself. I saw it as the safer option anyway. The real victimless crime, or so I felt. I never thought it possible to feel such guilt and shame over things that weren't even my fault but nobody chose my actions for me. I can't dodge responsibility for my actions, especially not those while I've been an adult. I knew this channel had good stuff, but this is top quality. Your daily meditation helped my progress in and out of therapy along a lot. ❤️😸
You put that perfectly. I can relate so hard. Especially: " I never meant to deceive anyone but me." That summons up my codependency and phases of depression because it was exhausting to play a role 24/7, pretty accurately.
Yep. You've definitely taught me this. I have 35 fb friends. I'm not for everyone. Especially if truth isn't your friend. It was very good for me to learn about manipulation and fawning from you. I'm in recovery from stockholm syndrome. Pleasing was all i did because i was afraid. I'm trying to find the place between being thankful and being pleasing with the excellent input i have 👊🏻🤺🙌🏻❤🙏🏻💪🏻💜🕊
I’m having a falling out with my corkers. On their birthday I got one of them lunch, treats and tried to make her feel special cause it was her bday I wasn’t expecting anything back I just wanted her to be happy. I also got the supervisor breakfast on her birthday. Again, this was months ago and when my birthday came nobody even acknowledged it after one of my other coworkers wished me a happy belated birthday. They’re salty cause I had vacation time during a snowstorm. Super petty.
I think that I enjoy my time alone. Having a great relationship with your own self is very important. I wish I had a lot of friends but even the friendships I do have take work and investment. I probably don’t have time for more friends right now. Between work, home and single parenting I need to spend a lot of time on self care.
This video opened my eyes. I was i a toxic friendship with someone and I didn't realize that I was the one who was manipulating everyone to be "accepted" and "invited".
You just described me. In the year I turned 30, I discovered some harsh truths: even when people pleasing, no one is obligated to befriended or support me. And I have autonomy, staying in a toxic situation is giving consent to abuse.
Yes. My codependent friend/neigh or is like a needy puppy fawni g to be liked. Co stantly over doi g and o ergivi g, which makes me feel uncomfortably indebted. When i ask what i can do for her, the reply is, "You just have to be my friend!" UGH! I can never show enough gratitude and it is exhausting for both of us. The pushier she is, the more i retreat.
I feel bad when I say no to something I don't want to do, and then it sits in my head all day, convincing my brain that whoever it is, is mad at me. I eventually get over it, but it's a pattern. I haven't been able to say no and feel good about it.
I'm reaching the point I'm tired of trying with people. There are people I thought I got on with, connected with. I care about them and thought they cared about me but the more I try the they seem less interested. I think I will be alone forever.
I have so many questions about this specific video!! You just called me out (and some other people I know), in so many ways. Thank you for opening my eyes to this.
I think there is a difference in intention in some situations. If it is a planned method to get something you want - that is manipulation. But where the people pleasing is a subconscious avoidance of conflict or your learned behaviour to protect yourself from others, that isnt manipulation. Also, the other party may trigger it - again either conciously or not, by being needy. Fixing the need can satisfy both parties in the short term - but is clearly destructive in the long term and resentment can build on both sides - it becomes a caregiver situation.
"But where the people pleasing is a subconscious avoidance of conflict or your learned behaviour to protect yourself from others... Also, the other party may trigger it - again either consciously or not" SO so true. Whenever I'd meet someone forceful and charismatic that reminded me strongly of someone else I knew, it was like the *FAWN NOW TO SAVE YOUR LIFE* switch flipped on. Instinctive and it can still take me a few minutes to find the off switch.
Thank you, @@ewolffe8355♥ It's largely in part thanks to channels like this one that I've gotten anywhere at stopping it. Thank you Crappy Childhood Fairy!
been there/done that. It never worked of course. So much more peaceful to stop the people pleasing and just be myself. Another great video! If they give out Oscars for best YT channel you will surely be the Meryl Streep of these kinds of videos! (:
I took people pleasing to an extreme when I chose the nursing profession. I’ve dealt with low self esteem & got my self worth from the approval of others. Pleasing others at my own expense. It catches up to you
Another secret of abused kids revealed! Dang, girl, you so smart! I see myself in this from the conflict avoidance angle, but I have put all of my love eggs in one basket and just expected people to carry them.🤣 I am just now able to stop crap fitting in search for connection. Just because someone goes to the same church, doesn’t mean that they have interest or room in their life for one more friend. I’m embarrassed to say that waves of recognition of how I have been this mistake keep tumbling over me. Tnx for the tough love. We need to just hear it straight up.
Love is a gift you give expecting nothing in return. If you give things expecting something in return it's not love, it's a transaction. And if other people never agreed to the transaction in the first place then you will just hurt them by trying to please them.
When you're a people pleaser, you'll consistently attract toxic people, and you will be a victim of manipulation and bullying, I know this from experience. At this point, I've been reprogramming my brain, so I can be at peace.
I’m blessed to say I have two true friends who accept me and have stuck by me through my worst people pleasing phases. I say this because lost in my own mess I almost pushed them away believing they hated me too. Then I realized what they were saying to me is what someone who truly loves you, will tell you. Stop trying and obsessing over those who show no real interest or care for you. Value yourself. Come be with us who love your presence and let’s laugh. I have so much work and growth to do to escape this “mask” I put on to try to make strangers like me, but my two friends both see through it and want me to love who I am. When I am around them everything is so natural, I never feel myself having anxiety sweats or get trapped in my own head thinking of the right thing to say. We just all flow together so well. They are childhood friends now going into our mid 20s. Everyone needs at least one true friend that’s all it takes to help see the change you need to make and get to work doing it while having healthy support. So many people are alone and don’t have a real friend to give an outside perspective 😞 without my friends I don’t think I could’ve started real personal change
We were just like with a Spiritual ‘Group’ trying to find out more about the phenomenon of the “People-pleaser” and what the causes are and what the solutions might be and this really helped a lot, Thankyou very much. This saved us quite some time 🙏🏼
What’s funny is that it is very obvious to me when someone does not want to be doing something (and I point it out). With me, I would make it obvious I didn’t want to be there because I wanted someone to notice… but the biggest issue was for me to realize that I didn’t have to do stuff I didn’t want to do anymore. (Something I could tell for other people and not take my own advice lol)
People are suspicious of it. I am too. I indulged in for a while in my early 30's because I felt rejected by people where I lived but it wasn't about me but them. These people were emotionally constipated. I only had to yelp a bit when I stubbed my toe in cold water snd I received hateful looks. I once banged ny knee on the seat in front on a train and said "Ouch" and received suspicious looks. It was because the sears were too close together and I hit a nerve called the funny bone. Ir didn't work because the goal posts shifted and the more you people please the more is expected of you and I also started getting migraines. Also when you are looking after other people you aren't lookig after yourself so you rely on other people too much in the long term.
I know I had trouble with this, that I had to people-please people who were people-pleasing me. It wasted a lot of energy. (Also, the people-pleasing they did didn't really help me.) Sometimes saying no takes a lot of mental energy, but I can do it. I at least know to take a step back around people who I seem to feel I have to please even if I wouldn't like to. One cold way to look at all of this is "efficient allocation of emotional resources." You can't be too cold of course!
Ive known I have people pleaser tendencies for a long time now.and Ive been thinking about this alot these few days. I find it to be a tendency that is really hard to hold back. I dont like it when Im that way. I am now practicing being myself , its freeing. Thank you Anna ❤
This has been a struggle for me as I was told constantly through childhood mostly by teachers to change myself so I would not get bullied (it did not work when I tried, it just created an internalised bully in addition to the real world ones). As an Autistic person in childhood, I learnt to mask hard to be less different and try to avoid conflict as my natural self was considered not acceptable and not a proper way to be. I have been working on unmasking for three nearly four years now and in the process reduced the amount of people-pleasing behaviours and made friends. I still fall into those habits when I am out of my comfort zone, or trying to make a good initial impression or in a situation where being my real self is dangerous, I accept there are times when I need to mask or camouflage my more noticeable autistic behaviours for practical reasons but it is not the same as people pleasing it is just not showing everything about myself when I do not need to.
I felt people pleasing and low self-esteem go hand in hand. People with low self worth would tend to show other with the only worthiness that they know, and it turned into desperation which easily led to people-pleasing behavior.
Thank you. I say no easier and quickly now. It saves my life energy. I refuse to be drained out by all people who can't say no themselves to something that is too big for them to do anyways but want me to join them to give energy to that abuse. No thanks. My life matters thank you. 🌞
Yes! I’ve done this sometimes in the past and my old roommate does this to me soooo intensely… I couldn’t figure out why I felt so put off by them but it’s bc I could tell they were doing this a lot to me
So let’s encourage them (with Love) to really work on that and to find the healing they really need to overcome their fears and insecurities and to discover who they really are. And course some “people pleasers” may be more of the ‘darker’ kind and may need to be ‘pushed’ a little more firmly, but let’s indeed keep in mind that also many of them really have real childhood traumas, and so let’s help them with that, and without being “people pleasers” ourselves 🙏🏼😉
There are clearly 2 types of people pleasers. There are some who are passive manipulative and some who are the targets of domineering and manipulative people.
I feel like I've been 'crap fitting' with mostly my family my whole life because I feel obligated to 'take care' of everyone(parents, siblings, in-laws) I think maybe some of it has bleed over into other relationships too. But I'm struggling with bitterness and connections now. I've been an isolated stay-at-home mom for almost ten years. I tried to connect with others through social media, but it can be negative at times. I tell everyone it's mom brain when I forget things or don't get stuff done or don't show because I lose track of time. I'm terrified that I won't be able to function as an adult when it's time for me to actually go back to work. I went back once (during a divorce from an abusive spouse) between my four children and I had anxiety and felt confused and inadequate. Even though I confidentiality held a management position prior to having children. I realize this probably stems from anxious attachments. I can get caught between feeling ignored by my husband and other adults(which causes my occasional limerence) and not wanting my children to hang all over me or ask me to get things to the point of irritation. It really sucks and can be very depressing. So this summer I started journaling and doing activities I used to enjoy. Which is especially helpful when I have insomnia. I would like to hear a talk how isolated motherhood or caretaking relate or tie into people-pleasing and CPTSD, because I'm so burned out I'm not sure if I can differentiate when I'm being helpful or just pleasing. Or just wanting interaction with people my age or being "too clingy". Maybe some disassociation here.🤷♀️
Wow! This is *totally* something my vulnerable narcissistic dad does and now I understand why it feels so bad. I'll make sure that I don't end up doing this myself, either - I want real friendships, not fake ones!
I'm a timid person, and often, I let people cross my boundaries when I shouldn't. I keep hoping people will "take a hint" when I feel they are smothering me, but they don't. I find that people often feel that I'm a creep in the end; a bigger creep than if I had spoken bluntly to them in the first place. I don't flatter people to make them like me, but I sometimes do things I don't want to do so as to not hurt their feelings. It may be someone I don't want to spend much time with, but I'm afraid of hurting their feelings. Sometimes, I even feel that the person , if offended, might be able to hurt me in some way, like getting me evicted or something.
If you have a child with someone who has become a people pleaser, what do you do? It's codependent. I'm stuck. I care about our son. I care about his dad's mental health and it seems like I'm stuck in a loop of unhappiness because he loves me and our son but I have severe feelings of resentment. I stay because I don't have a way out and he's not a bad person but has done lots of harm to my life. It's not a good place to be. I hate who I have become with him. And feel detached. It's sad really. I don't know what to do, I feel like he'd be better off without me but also don't know if he would manage his own life and we have a son together. So do I pretend to stay in love with him for our son? I'm depressed as f... The details are even crazier but I don't feel I should disclose them here. I'm sad and frustrated. Feel like I'm in some kind of hell even though he is not a terrible person. It makes me feel like a terrible person when I say I love you to someone who has seriously let me down over and over. I know I have too, out of resentment. Every month around my period I absolutely hate him. Is this every mother or just the ones that feel stuck where they don't want to be? I need therapy for many reasons. I probably need medication. I don't know what to do about this situation and am highly aware, frustrated and concerned for our son to grow up in a fake love environment. Help please.
Hi Brandy, I am feeling your pain and anguish in your post so much and I can relate. What I have learnt is that it is so important for yourself to focus on working on and improving your own self. Try not to isolate yourself away from your support and try not to stay too much in your head as you can end up in a negative frame of mind. I am a Mum of 3 girls now aged 20, 22 & 24. It has been a very long road to our healing. I used to see my husband as a people pleaser, I called him out on this many a time. His behaviour and traits severely impacted upon our relationship which inevitably impacted back onto our kids. Truth is, we all come with some kind of childhood trauma, our own backpack, and it is up to the individual to be responsible to unload things from their past (backpack) to upgrade themselves (through healing) and become the best authentic self possible. To work out what never belonged to them and stop carrying that around as baggage. After my husband went and sought psychological help to work on his schemas (maladaptive coping style); because he could see that his people pleasing behaviour was negatively contributing so much to our relationship and family problems, he has now changed for the better. I am also working with a psychologist on my own CPTSD so that I can come together and try my best to be the best version of myself. I can't express anymore how much psychological support has helped us dump this problem on its head and crack it open. I hope my own testimonial helps you as we are never alone Brandy. Susan
I had to leave my husband emotionally to get out of the frustration loop. I changed MY definition of the relationship so we could cohabitate without boiling resentments. I tried to make small changes in my attitude and he relaxed and tuned in more. Can’t change anyone but ourselves, so I tried to do better with that. Happy growing pains.
So many people like this and I can remember when I was like this too. I see this alot in the55yo and older community where I live at present. Thank you very much for all your videos
People pleasing is like your opponent in a boxing ring! If he's not giving it his all and you beat him, how would that make you feel? You gain more respect when somebody gives you their all ...when someone tells you the truth.
Wow….I had no idea about this, the causes of it, and the effects of it on ourselves and others….thank you for showing info about it and how to deal with it!
I no longer consider this behavior people pleasing. I think it is transactional behavior. I want you to do this so, I am going to try to manipulate you into doing it.
How do you know if you are acting authentically? I dont think I intend to be a people pleaser but functionally I am. I had a crap fit childhood and romantic relationships. I dont want to manipulate anyone but I can also see how my actions have been manipulative. I just dont know myself i guess
Your videos really resonate with me and I so appreciate what you do. I guess what I’m wondering is how to contend with the discomfort that comes from being real with people. One time years ago, I told a coworker that something she said bothered me. She apologized profusely and we resolved the issue, but all this time later I still feel embarrassed and uncomfortable about voicing my hurt. I hate feeling vulnerable with those I’m not close to. Does this get easier over time?
Ur videos have been helping me allot along side the therapy I have been getting and I want to thank u 😊, I have been on a self healing journey and been dealing with each section one at a time.
I am a people pleaser and people love me, not for me, for how i make them feel… i attract people who just want to take advantage of me, but they cling to me like fleas, i’m the one who doesn’t like them, but as a people pleaser i don’t know how to get rid of them
Now I’m confused because I really don’t know if what I’m doing is selfish or if it’s being independent , I don’t know if I’m being a people pleaser or I’m having integrity. Am I practicing self care by walking away or am I isolating by ghosting them?? I have a nonexistent “relationship” with my sister and I’ll bet if you talk to her she would say the exact same things about me that I say about her , so I don’t know what’s up and what is down anymore I don’t know how to judge any of this. You can always spin a situation to make you look good and make the other person look bad so I don’t know whether to feel guilty of everything you’ve named above or not. Once again, I’m having a hard time assessing a situation. When I was younger, I could never understand the dynamics of things that were going on in the room. I doubt my ability to do this I guess that must be a CPTSD thing. If it sounds like I’m just concerned w what others are thinking, I have also spent most of my life accomplishing high levels in the fields of music and art and elsewhere. I spend time educating myself, but I also ruminate in between those times about what is real and what isn’t and I just prefer to be by myself so I don’t have to deal with those people.
Thank you Anna you nailed and highlighted a very real and present issue amongst us CPTSD adult children and I feel each and every word your pronounced really doves in within me. I am very aware of this issue and I carry it within like a very perverse and negative teaching
I think I can see myself or a past self of in a lot of this behaviour. It makes me want to scream, it also makes me embarrassed. I think what is hard is understanding what I want vs what I need vs what is right for me. I can’t count the times I’ve dragged myself to the gym, gone to that class or went to meet that friend and I’ve had a great time. But the anxiety, ( of you will let that person down, don’t miss the class you will fall behind, maybe they won’t invite you again) and concern I feel prior makes me wonder if the self care would be to stay in.. It’s a maddening balance that makes me want to pull away and say fuck everything I will be a tree.
Hey, it's fun and nice to do nice things for people. It feels good. People who DEFINE themselves as 'people pleasers' are NOT simply doing nice things just cause it feels good, they are using it as a mechanism of control... and it ISN'T nice; it's meant to be 'safe'... in their minds. It isn't safe for them OR for the others. I got shouted out by a 'people pleaser' because I should have KNOWN when I asked them what they would like that they would only be answering based on what they thought I wanted. Problem is, they have NO CLUE what I wanted (let alone what they themselves wanted): because I genuinely sought what they would want and they have NO self understanding to be able to even answer that honestly. I asked this bride what SHE and her groom wanted (they had asked for $$ and I offered to make the item to save costs but needed their wishes clear), and it was MY FAULT for trying to meet that request, which the specifics of the request were later represented as a bold faced 'people pleasing' LIE she told to satisfy me. Ya, I said it: LIE. I don't like liars, and people pleasers don't know anything else but how to lie to supposedly please others (cowards). There's no meat there of meaning. These people have no there there. They are lost, with no real form, just some strange manipulative obsessive need to bend and conform to everyone else around them. This is called being BROKEN, ya ain't the glue you think you are... you're actually just gumming up the works. Remember folks, the people pleaser thinks this makes them a NICE person... I got told as much by the people pleaser: they were NICE, I was a b*itch. Well at least I am a b*tch with BOUNDARIES, I'll wear that badge all day long. (And YES I care about you nut jobs.)
Am I missing something? To me this comes across as a fault to the cptsd for being a people pleaser. Now mind you, people pleasing is not a good thing persay if its not back by an authentic self, but isn't it the abuse the cptsd suffered as to why they now people please?
I don't think this video is about blaming anyone, but meant to be helpful if you feel like you're not making real connections with people and what might be keeping them away.
Yes it comes like we are the only ones who try to manipulate others, and the "others" don't at all. Like they are the good ones, and we are the false ones. But sadly this is the way people pleasers often feel when we need support. Like we have no other way to get what we want. Her prices for courses are high, when you think that she sells hope to desperate and abused people. But the difference is that she now feels okay with what she does, but we blame ourselves for even wanting anything from others
@@sumari972 I disagree that that is when people pleasers are needing support. I think its a construct of blame. Yes, "we" need support and the tools, but not due to us being people pleasing manipulators. Teach us how to not be abused by giving us tools to authentically get out of situations vs people pleasing to sit within the abuse. If that makes sense. Some of her material is spot on and some, like this one, is a bit off. I would figure her to be "pricey".. Seems since 2020 everyone in the "help" services raised their prices as the flex of those looking for services went up.
Ugh, i people pleased my way out of therapy. She started getting lots of new clients and I basically became less “needy” to schedule sessions so other people could have the time. I haven’t seen her in years, she is super busy and I just felt too guilty and didn’t want her to feel like she had to let clients go. I’ve written and wished her well and she feels like I figured out how to handle things better and that’s why I haven’t seen her. The truth is so lame. I even held back telling her things because I didn’t want to overwhelm her. I have a people pleasing problem big time. With everything. I was a doormat all through adolescence.
I have a brother like that so painful to watch. He doesn't want to change it 52 years and still like that. But his pleasing has to do with his morality and idealism he absolutely does not expect any approval. Yes hard to believe but he really is like that.
It is so much nicer to have you explain my unevolved stuck problem ridden consciousness than religion or society or family or "friends" after listening to you it feels like it's not too big a job to have a look at myself and change. I used to get the opposite impression from everybody else. Like i was defective shameful and always would be. was my impression wrong?
I think being “tough love” is a product of cptsd. That’s at least how I feel it, like I confuse love with abuse so. So what helped me so far with the process of getting there is patience, being okay with being traumatized. Basically acceptance of how I am now. And in the past. Integrating that that was me. That was my experience. And that’s okay. I was ashamed, I was full of guilt and that’s okay. I don’t do tough love to myself. That’s the cause of my cptsd. “Tough love”. “ for your own good”. So yeah, sorry but I really don’t like tough love because I think for us here (with cptsd) that’s the least thing we need.
I had one person say I'm their best friend (like where did that come from).. And i feel pressured into this best friend thing. I already have my best friend, i just don't know how to go about it..
This excessive people pleasing comes from religion as well as childhood PTSD. Christians are told to put Jesus first, others second and themselves last yet flying on a plane we are told to put our own oxygen masks on first before putting one on anybody else including our own children. The best thing we can do is teach people to help themselves or even let them deal with things themselves until the need help rather than force help on them. It's why parents shouldn't be helping their children with their homework usually and all they need do is make sure they do their homework and provide them with a quiet space and the material resources needed for that homework.
I think for me, what saved me from trying to people please in spite of the pressure of the special ed environment towards autistic people was twofold: One, I could see the connection between that (particularly the caricaturized version pushed by a lot of autism therapists) and the way the fairy-tale princess Snow White behaves. Like, I think most of us know that while it might be fun to watch that lady in a movie, her constant chirping melodies and twittering words and sweeping around the house cleaning (with or without woodland animals) would be annoying if we had to live with that 24/7. And also it seemed like it might be a pretty long shot to strike the exact set of tones needed to sing their way into people's hearts like that even if Snow White charm WAS a real thing. Which it isn't. The second reason is that my dad made no secret of his contempt for that kind of attitude in other people. There was another thing that I also think stopped me from going that direction. It was the fact that one of the boys I often was on the school bus with (one of the nice ones) always had that chipper Snow White level people pleasing attitude as a result of HIS autism therapy (which I'm pretty sure was relentless and something he got at home too) and it got him virtually no friends. Not even really among the few girls who went to that school. I was one of the only people who was ever nice to him, and in retrospect that might have been one of the reasons it seems like he might have had a crush on me though he never actually expressed it outright. Seeing a boy be treated as a loser for that attitude isn't going to make you see it as a winning approach, no matter if you are the only one who is nice to them.
Oh my gosh. This video is a great example of why I love your content CCF! While it is good to understand the origin of my challenges with cptsd (childhood abuse, etc) - you teach me how to examine the role I play in my life - and what to do about it.
Like with people pleasing. I could tell that at least some people really didn't like it. I also felt like a big phony always agreeing with people, or back pedaling on opinions if others disagreed with me.
I have made being authentic (but still kind, of course) one of my priorities. I use my words to say what I think and express how I feel about things. I don't go along just to get along. I get nervous about going too far; but I figure it is better to be real with people - and make amends if I need to - than it is to be a people pleaser.
I will say it is less tiring to be real. I don't feel a need to justify myself, or pretend to be something I am not anymore! 🙃
Thank you for all you do, Anna and Team CCF!
So many great insights in your comment, thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you!!☺
If you want to know more about people pleasing then I recently made a video on the topic as well :)
Survival pleasing. Exhausting. A great way to completely, utterly, sadly, lose your real identity. 💔
If you want to know more about people pleasing then I recently made a video on the topic as well :)
this is me in a nutshell. I don't know who I am underneath all this "niceness". I do have a layer of pure rage from all that's happened to me, and I feel like there's two sides to me: nice, and rageful. It's hard I know there's a chance I can show off a goofy quirky side to my personality but my mind freezes when Im out in public meeting people. It's like the "niceness" switch turns on and I can't turn it off.
Just keep doing the daily practice. I was like you. A therapist once told me that my sweet, soft voice is indicative of a lot of rage I was trying to push down. I didn’t want to believe it but it was true. I’ve worked through a lot of that rage and I’m not that super sweet person. It is so freeing!
I know exactly what you mean, makes going out so draining
@@monicacampbell7291 I also have a sweet soft voice and a lot of rage. How did you work that through?
@@doudouledoux4831 I have this - soft voice, sweet demeanor. people call it "calming". LOL, if only they knew. I want to break out, also. Thank u for the comments
I pay attention to how I’m feeling and I ask myself “what is this anger about?” Sometimes I don’t get an answer but if it’s way over the top to what is actually happening I know it’s something from the past that I’ve suppressed. I just let it be and say “it’s ok for you to be here” I try to just feel it and not take it out on other people or things. Just have compassion for the anger.
It’s exhausting i have always bent over backwards for people . I have always been walked on by people. I need to set boundaries for people who really don’t even care about me . People that don’t pay my bills their opinions of me should not matter. I am starting to realize that.
All of this could have been said so differently.
What "people pleasers" need to hear more than anything is that they are safe to be totally themselves and they will be accepted when they do.
People like me have no idea how to be accepted or loved. We learned to always say yes and people please.
I didn't know that I could be myself, share my thoughts or opinions or my bad moods... I believed in the core of me that I had to hide all of that or else I would be left and rejected.
If anyone is still reading.
Start slowly, by practicing showing just little bits of yourself with people. Tell people when you don't like something, share a real opinion, say no, share when you're having a bad day.
People really do love and prefer the authentic you, and the only way for you to find that out for yourself, is to gradually show more of yourself to people.
And when you do, yes, it may scare a few people away, but it will also attract the right people to you, who like the REAL YOU.
This was really helpful. Thanks Myra
Yeah, what kind of froze me at first was that I knew I had the wrong friends/people around me but I didn’t want to/know how to really start over…
But I was miserable because I couldn’t be authentic lol And as that all could not be contained anymore, people just fell away and new people came along. It was scary to start, but it worked out. And, the new people are a lot less pressure and way worth losing the old friendships.
@@mintyhippo8125 I’m really glad to hear it worked out for you!
Can we please scream this from the mountain tops! If they won't love you at your worst, they don't deserve you are your best!
@@rychei5393can we also remember it's not about them anyway it's about us. There is a whole being within us that is equally as important as any other and happens to be the only one we are responsible for.
Anna, how about people pleasing NOT to get others to like you, BUT to guarantee they won’t hurt you. An abusive childhood leaves trauma and scars, as you know. Fear of others is real.
This sounds like fawning.
@@trafficcontrol2420 People pleasing is fawning. Leaving your emotions and opinions hidden behind a fassade of smile and goodness is fawning.
Very true, sometimes it is about not getting hurt. This comes from childhood but in adult years you can cut yourself of from people like that. I made a video on the topic recently (People pleasing) and how to stop. Feel free to watch
Therapy is the best answer for the people leader, at least I think so.
I’d rather be a “bitch” than be nice. I have swung the complete opposite direction. I love telling people NO. And it feels good. Maybe I will care again, but not right now.
I tend to just avoid people. It seems easier than saying no, so I've still got work to do.
By always trying to please everyone else, we're not allowing ourselves to be. And so we can't have genuine relationships and suffer from being alone and rejected. But we actually reject ourselves for not showing who we really are. This is so messed up. I know this very well, the story of my life sadly. The reject wound is very painful.
Best advice; " Set them free to be themselves."
such a fine line between being a people pleaser and someone who genuinely has a caring personality even if they are caring as a result of having an abusive neglectful childhood, surely that's better than turning into a horrible person . For me personally if i find myself doing something for anyone and expecting something in return then I know I've fallen into possible people pleasing, when I do things for others because I genuinely just want to or want to help them then i go ahead and do so. what other people think of me as a result is none of my business
yes, I almost feel like I've got to apologize for just being me. I had a stepdad who couldn't stand me and a mom too tired for me as well as had a drinking problem. I got moved from school to school yearly, making it impossible to fit in anywhere for long. I do try too hard with the people who matter to me so this is a powerful video for me. In my next get-together, I will be cool but not aloof and try to just be myself and see what happens.
Be prepared to lose a few people - once they dont keep getting free support, people who were using that may move on or be angry at you for 'withholding' from them. They were not good friends in the first place, so it isnt a bad thing that they leave you, but it can create some negative situations - and a lot of people pleasers hate conflict. It can be helpful to have a plan for how to respond to the 'how dare you actually be yourself'!
@@ewolffe8355thank you so much bro I needed this so bad🤍
I just become whoever im with. I don't even know what I like and don't like, but I'm finding out and it's a very good feeling. The less I care about people hanging around the more they come around. It took me 37 years to learn this.
That’s okay! I didn’t start until I was 45!
The chameleon approach! Same here - I fit the situation. I know it is probably a learned survival technique from childhood, but I feel I have no clue who I am underneath at times. Currently working on this as I know that until I know myself, I won't know who would be a good fit as a friend/partner.
I have stopped the people pleasing. I just awoke to this.
That's great! Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I used to be a huge people pleaser. When I couldn’t put on an act anymore, the sheer intellectual exhaustion from being a chameleon catapulted me into therapy, I then swung to the complete opposite side of the pendulum, refusing to get involved with anyone or anything that would expect something from me. I’ve been trying to strike a balance ever since, and I’ve yet to do that successfully. But I will keep trying.
Set boundaries, respect other's boundaries, keep boundaries! Love to all my fellow fawns. 🦌🦌🦌
LOL- we're all in it together!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This is good tough love, thank you. As a recovering People Pleaser, I made up the following easy checklist, to come back to if I get off-track. It goes:
You're on TRACK if you are Truthful, Respectful, Authentic, Considerate, Kind.
I've used it to check in on my behaviour, and also the behaviour of those in my relationships, and used them as starting points of conversations about improving our relationship. It's helped me let go of relationships that weren't helpful, avoid unhelpful ones coming in, and nurture the ones that deserve the work. If this helps anyone, please feel free to use and share it.
Thanks for sharing this! -Calista@TeamFairy
This is brilliant, thank you for sharing your method.
People pleasing is one of the hardest disappointments I've ever had to face and deal with. I'm currently at the point in my life to where I don't wish to make anymore 1 to 1 connections/relationships right now.
Pleasing Others for inclusion or maybe friendship is a bad scenario.
Their life exclusively will be uncomfortable and after your use
You are Garbage
@@kimsherlock8969so true
@@captainiglo5179 Just be you fully-fledged you.
People pleasers are draining to be around. Just like narcissists they suck your energy.
I have screwed my life being a people pleaser and didn’t even understand why. It all makes sense, thank you Anna. Would you consider recording an in depth video or a course on how not to do that? I mean on the surface it sounds easy, but my whole existence is screaming anxious that it’s now impossible to change because this is how I’ve always survived in the world. My self esteem is still super low despite and the amount of work I’ve done on myself. It’s soo hard. My mind and soul goes into a default crap fitting mode every time I’m around people… yeah, I know - pathetic 😢
I'll note that idea :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Ease up on yourself. How can you feel safe enough to be authentic if you are bullying yourself??
@@sacredrain7757if i dont do it someone else will
Every adult relationship I've ever had has been one kind of trauma bond or another because of this exact behaviour. It is annihilating and yet freeing to hear it described as manipulation.
I followed my family into this too young to ever question why things had changed, I just followed and nobody ever talked about it. I have literally lived a broken life for four decades, never knowing why to trust. I've been asked if something was wrong, point blank, and genuinely believed that overall no I'm doing well enough and I'm stable and not in immediate crisis and it's felt stable with little upset for years now so I feel I'm doing much better, yes.
And I follow a learned and cherished family value to deal with those shadowy doubts privately to not be a burden and not bring your crisis to anyone, no matter what, unless you're literally dying. I never meant to deceive anyone but myself. I saw it as the safer option anyway. The real victimless crime, or so I felt.
I never thought it possible to feel such guilt and shame over things that weren't even my fault but nobody chose my actions for me. I can't dodge responsibility for my actions, especially not those while I've been an adult. I knew this channel had good stuff, but this is top quality.
Your daily meditation helped my progress in and out of therapy along a lot. ❤️😸
You put that perfectly. I can relate so hard. Especially: " I never meant to deceive anyone but me." That summons up my codependency and phases of depression because it was exhausting to play a role 24/7, pretty accurately.
Yep. You've definitely taught me this. I have 35 fb friends. I'm not for everyone. Especially if truth isn't your friend.
It was very good for me to learn about manipulation and fawning from you. I'm in recovery from stockholm syndrome. Pleasing was all i did because i was afraid. I'm trying to find the place between being thankful and being pleasing with the excellent input i have 👊🏻🤺🙌🏻❤🙏🏻💪🏻💜🕊
Thanks for sharing your experience. We're so glad you're here and are sending you encouragement!
-Calista@TeamFairy
I’m having a falling out with my corkers. On their birthday I got one of them lunch, treats and tried to make her feel special cause it was her bday I wasn’t expecting anything back I just wanted her to be happy. I also got the supervisor breakfast on her birthday. Again, this was months ago and when my birthday came nobody even acknowledged it after one of my other coworkers wished me a happy belated birthday. They’re salty cause I had vacation time during a snowstorm. Super petty.
I think that I enjoy my time alone. Having a great relationship with your own self is very important. I wish I had a lot of friends but even the friendships I do have take work and investment. I probably don’t have time for more friends right now. Between work, home and single parenting I need to spend a lot of time on self care.
This video opened my eyes. I was i a toxic friendship with someone and I didn't realize that I was the one who was manipulating everyone to be "accepted" and "invited".
You just described me. In the year I turned 30, I discovered some harsh truths: even when people pleasing, no one is obligated to befriended or support me. And I have autonomy, staying in a toxic situation is giving consent to abuse.
My problem is people pleasing is automatic. I can't remember what to say or do when conflict arise
Yes. My codependent friend/neigh or is like a needy puppy fawni g to be liked. Co stantly over doi g and o ergivi g, which makes me feel uncomfortably indebted. When i ask what i can do for her, the reply is, "You just have to be my friend!" UGH! I can never show enough gratitude and it is exhausting for both of us. The pushier she is, the more i retreat.
I never give compliments when they are not warranted
However, your short video is nothing short of brilliant.
That you for speaking the TRUTH.
Thank you for the kind words
Jack@TeamFairy
I feel bad when I say no to something I don't want to do, and then it sits in my head all day, convincing my brain that whoever it is, is mad at me. I eventually get over it, but it's a pattern. I haven't been able to say no and feel good about it.
I'm reaching the point I'm tired of trying with people. There are people I thought I got on with, connected with. I care about them and thought they cared about me but the more I try the they seem less interested. I think I will be alone forever.
I have so many questions about this specific video!! You just called me out (and some other people I know), in so many ways. Thank you for opening my eyes to this.
I think there is a difference in intention in some situations. If it is a planned method to get something you want - that is manipulation. But where the people pleasing is a subconscious avoidance of conflict or your learned behaviour to protect yourself from others, that isnt manipulation. Also, the other party may trigger it - again either conciously or not, by being needy. Fixing the need can satisfy both parties in the short term - but is clearly destructive in the long term and resentment can build on both sides - it becomes a caregiver situation.
"But where the people pleasing is a subconscious avoidance of conflict or your learned behaviour to protect yourself from others... Also, the other party may trigger it - again either consciously or not"
SO so true. Whenever I'd meet someone forceful and charismatic that reminded me strongly of someone else I knew, it was like the *FAWN NOW TO SAVE YOUR LIFE* switch flipped on. Instinctive and it can still take me a few minutes to find the off switch.
@@amandamilobooks Awesome that you can recognise it and have found the off switch tho. It's not easy after the painful way that fauning is learned!
Thank you, @@ewolffe8355♥ It's largely in part thanks to channels like this one that I've gotten anywhere at stopping it. Thank you Crappy Childhood Fairy!
been there/done that. It never worked of course. So much more peaceful to stop the people pleasing and just be myself. Another great video! If they give out Oscars for best YT channel you will surely be the Meryl Streep of these kinds of videos! (:
So happy to hear you've found that peace. Thanks for listening :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I took people pleasing to an extreme when I chose the nursing profession. I’ve dealt with low self esteem & got my self worth from the approval of others. Pleasing others at my own expense. It catches up to you
I disagree to that. There is nothing control to me to be a people pleaser. I don't get anything in return.
Another secret of abused kids revealed! Dang, girl, you so smart! I see myself in this from the conflict avoidance angle, but I have put all of my love eggs in one basket and just expected people to carry them.🤣 I am just now able to stop crap fitting in search for connection. Just because someone goes to the same church, doesn’t mean that they have interest or room in their life for one more friend. I’m embarrassed to say that waves of recognition of how I have been this mistake keep tumbling over me. Tnx for the tough love. We need to just hear it straight up.
I desperately wanted to earn someone's love. He hates and despises me now. He said I was trying to force more love out of him.
Love is a gift you give expecting nothing in return. If you give things expecting something in return it's not love, it's a transaction. And if other people never agreed to the transaction in the first place then you will just hurt them by trying to please them.
expecting being treated with respect when giving respect is a minimum in human interactions.
When you're a people pleaser, you'll consistently attract toxic people, and you will be a victim of manipulation and bullying, I know this from experience.
At this point, I've been reprogramming my brain, so I can be at peace.
I’m blessed to say I have two true friends who accept me and have stuck by me through my worst people pleasing phases. I say this because lost in my own mess I almost pushed them away believing they hated me too. Then I realized what they were saying to me is what someone who truly loves you, will tell you. Stop trying and obsessing over those who show no real interest or care for you. Value yourself. Come be with us who love your presence and let’s laugh.
I have so much work and growth to do to escape this “mask” I put on to try to make strangers like me, but my two friends both see through it and want me to love who I am. When I am around them everything is so natural, I never feel myself having anxiety sweats or get trapped in my own head thinking of the right thing to say. We just all flow together so well. They are childhood friends now going into our mid 20s. Everyone needs at least one true friend that’s all it takes to help see the change you need to make and get to work doing it while having healthy support. So many people are alone and don’t have a real friend to give an outside perspective 😞 without my friends I don’t think I could’ve started real personal change
Good for you! Thank you for watching and sharing your insight.
Nika@TeamFairy
We were just like with a Spiritual ‘Group’ trying to find out more about the phenomenon of the “People-pleaser” and what the causes are and what the solutions might be and this really helped a lot, Thankyou very much. This saved us quite some time 🙏🏼
What’s funny is that it is very obvious to me when someone does not want to be doing something (and I point it out).
With me, I would make it obvious I didn’t want to be there because I wanted someone to notice… but the biggest issue was for me to realize that I didn’t have to do stuff I didn’t want to do anymore. (Something I could tell for other people and not take my own advice lol)
People are suspicious of it. I am too. I indulged in for a while in my early 30's because I felt rejected by people where I lived but it wasn't about me but them. These people were emotionally constipated. I only had to yelp a bit when I stubbed my toe in cold water snd I received hateful looks. I once banged ny knee on the seat in front on a train and said "Ouch" and received suspicious looks. It was because the sears were too close together and I hit a nerve called the funny bone.
Ir didn't work because the goal posts shifted and the more you people please the more is expected of you and I also started getting migraines. Also when you are looking after other people you aren't lookig after yourself so you rely on other people too much in the long term.
I know I had trouble with this, that I had to people-please people who were people-pleasing me. It wasted a lot of energy. (Also, the people-pleasing they did didn't really help me.)
Sometimes saying no takes a lot of mental energy, but I can do it. I at least know to take a step back around people who I seem to feel I have to please even if I wouldn't like to.
One cold way to look at all of this is "efficient allocation of emotional resources." You can't be too cold of course!
Well said! Thanks for sharing. -Calista@TeamFairy
Not to worry! I can't please anyone! Problem solved! 😂😂
Watch out for dating a people pleaser then 😅
Ive known I have people pleaser tendencies for a long time now.and Ive been thinking about this alot these few days. I find it to be a tendency that is really hard to hold back. I dont like it when Im that way. I am now practicing being myself , its freeing. Thank you Anna ❤
Thanks for sharing! We're sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
This has been a struggle for me as I was told constantly through childhood mostly by teachers to change myself so I would not get bullied (it did not work when I tried, it just created an internalised bully in addition to the real world ones). As an Autistic person in childhood, I learnt to mask hard to be less different and try to avoid conflict as my natural self was considered not acceptable and not a proper way to be. I have been working on unmasking for three nearly four years now and in the process reduced the amount of people-pleasing behaviours and made friends. I still fall into those habits when I am out of my comfort zone, or trying to make a good initial impression or in a situation where being my real self is dangerous, I accept there are times when I need to mask or camouflage my more noticeable autistic behaviours for practical reasons but it is not the same as people pleasing it is just not showing everything about myself when I do not need to.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I'm half way through and I really need to hear this!
Sending you encouragement! -Calista@TeamFairy
successful people have their focus on what they are doing and not what ppl think of it (paraphrased). i liked it... very true, thx
Thanks for watching, glad you enjoyed! -Calista@TeamFairy
New word: “crapfitting” going to use in a sentence sometime today 😊
Great plan! Thanks for listening :) -Calista@TeamFairy
When I say I love this woman; I LOVE THIS WOMAN.
I felt people pleasing and low self-esteem go hand in hand. People with low self worth would tend to show other with the only worthiness that they know, and it turned into desperation which easily led to people-pleasing behavior.
Thank you. I say no easier and quickly now. It saves my life energy. I refuse to be drained out by all people who can't say no themselves to something that is too big for them to do anyways but want me to join them to give energy to that abuse. No thanks. My life matters thank you. 🌞
Thats great to hear. Jack@TeamFairy
Bless you all, we can change this and heal from it 🙏♥️
Yes! I’ve done this sometimes in the past and my old roommate does this to me soooo intensely… I couldn’t figure out why I felt so put off by them but it’s bc I could tell they were doing this a lot to me
So let’s encourage them (with Love) to really work on that and to find the healing they really need to overcome their fears and insecurities and to discover who they really are. And course some “people pleasers” may be more of the ‘darker’ kind and may need to be ‘pushed’ a little more firmly, but let’s indeed keep in mind that also many of them really have real childhood traumas, and so let’s help them with that, and without being “people pleasers” ourselves 🙏🏼😉
Thanks for the tough talking.
There are clearly 2 types of people pleasers. There are some who are passive manipulative and some who are the targets of domineering and manipulative people.
Yep.. always causes problems in the end, I've caught myself doing this way too much
I feel like I've been 'crap fitting' with mostly my family my whole life because I feel obligated to 'take care' of everyone(parents, siblings, in-laws) I think maybe some of it has bleed over into other relationships too. But I'm struggling with bitterness and connections now. I've been an isolated stay-at-home mom for almost ten years. I tried to connect with others through social media, but it can be negative at times. I tell everyone it's mom brain when I forget things or don't get stuff done or don't show because I lose track of time. I'm terrified that I won't be able to function as an adult when it's time for me to actually go back to work. I went back once (during a divorce from an abusive spouse) between my four children and I had anxiety and felt confused and inadequate. Even though I confidentiality held a management position prior to having children. I realize this probably stems from anxious attachments. I can get caught between feeling ignored by my husband and other adults(which causes my occasional limerence) and not wanting my children to hang all over me or ask me to get things to the point of irritation. It really sucks and can be very depressing. So this summer I started journaling and doing activities I used to enjoy. Which is especially helpful when I have insomnia. I would like to hear a talk how isolated motherhood or caretaking relate or tie into people-pleasing and CPTSD, because I'm so burned out I'm not sure if I can differentiate when I'm being helpful or just pleasing. Or just wanting interaction with people my age or being "too clingy". Maybe some disassociation here.🤷♀️
The toughest video but so worth watching and hearing what I needed to hear, thank you Anna for this 💓
Glad it was helpful! Sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Wow! This is *totally* something my vulnerable narcissistic dad does and now I understand why it feels so bad.
I'll make sure that I don't end up doing this myself, either - I want real friendships, not fake ones!
You are such a gift to me at this transitional time in my life! Thank you.
Thank you for the support.
Jack@TeamFairy
I really like the way you presented the info in this video! Without the letters ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I'm a timid person, and often, I let people cross my boundaries when I shouldn't. I keep hoping people will "take a hint" when I feel they are smothering me, but they don't. I find that people often feel that I'm a creep in the end; a bigger creep than if I had spoken bluntly to them in the first place. I don't flatter people to make them like me, but I sometimes do things I don't want to do so as to not hurt their feelings. It may be someone I don't want to spend much time with, but I'm afraid of hurting their feelings. Sometimes, I even feel that the person , if offended, might be able to hurt me in some way, like getting me evicted or something.
If you have a child with someone who has become a people pleaser, what do you do? It's codependent. I'm stuck. I care about our son. I care about his dad's mental health and it seems like I'm stuck in a loop of unhappiness because he loves me and our son but I have severe feelings of resentment. I stay because I don't have a way out and he's not a bad person but has done lots of harm to my life. It's not a good place to be. I hate who I have become with him. And feel detached. It's sad really. I don't know what to do, I feel like he'd be better off without me but also don't know if he would manage his own life and we have a son together. So do I pretend to stay in love with him for our son? I'm depressed as f... The details are even crazier but I don't feel I should disclose them here. I'm sad and frustrated. Feel like I'm in some kind of hell even though he is not a terrible person. It makes me feel like a terrible person when I say I love you to someone who has seriously let me down over and over. I know I have too, out of resentment. Every month around my period I absolutely hate him. Is this every mother or just the ones that feel stuck where they don't want to be? I need therapy for many reasons. I probably need medication. I don't know what to do about this situation and am highly aware, frustrated and concerned for our son to grow up in a fake love environment. Help please.
It's sad, I feel very sorry for you... it's a very hard decision to take, but living with authenticity is worth above all pain
Hi Brandy,
I am feeling your pain and anguish in your post so much and I can relate. What I have learnt is that it is so important for yourself to focus on working on and improving your own self. Try not to isolate yourself away from your support and try not to stay too much in your head as you can end up in a negative frame of mind. I am a Mum of 3 girls now aged 20, 22 & 24. It has been a very long road to our healing. I used to see my husband as a people pleaser, I called him out on this many a time. His behaviour and traits severely impacted upon our relationship which inevitably impacted back onto our kids. Truth is, we all come with some kind of childhood trauma, our own backpack, and it is up to the individual to be responsible to unload things from their past (backpack) to upgrade themselves (through healing) and become the best authentic self possible. To work out what never belonged to them and stop carrying that around as baggage. After my husband went and sought psychological help to work on his schemas (maladaptive coping style); because he could see that his people pleasing behaviour was negatively contributing so much to our relationship and family problems, he has now changed for the better. I am also working with a psychologist on my own CPTSD so that I can come together and try my best to be the best version of myself. I can't express anymore how much psychological support has helped us dump this problem on its head and crack it open. I hope my own testimonial helps you as we are never alone Brandy.
Susan
I had to leave my husband emotionally to get out of the frustration loop. I changed MY definition of the relationship so we could cohabitate without boiling resentments. I tried to make small changes in my attitude and he relaxed and tuned in more. Can’t change anyone but ourselves, so I tried to do better with that. Happy growing pains.
Why do you resent him? Has he actually done anything hurtful to you?
@@jwhippet8313 those are the details I would rather leave out.
So many people like this and I can remember when I was like this too. I see this alot in the55yo and older community where I live at present. Thank you very much for all your videos
I really enjoyed this video CCF. I admit that I'm a people pleaser and I need to get out of this habit ASAP
People pleasing is like your opponent in a boxing ring! If he's not giving it his all and you beat him, how would that make you feel? You gain more respect when somebody gives you their all ...when someone tells you the truth.
Wow….I had no idea about this, the causes of it, and the effects of it on ourselves and others….thank you for showing info about it and how to deal with it!
You are so welcome, thanks for watching! -Calista@TeamFairy
I no longer consider this behavior people pleasing. I think it is transactional behavior. I want you to do this so, I am going to try to manipulate you into doing it.
How do you know if you are acting authentically? I dont think I intend to be a people pleaser but functionally I am. I had a crap fit childhood and romantic relationships. I dont want to manipulate anyone but I can also see how my actions have been manipulative. I just dont know myself i guess
Your videos really resonate with me and I so appreciate what you do. I guess what I’m wondering is how to contend with the discomfort that comes from being real with people. One time years ago, I told a coworker that something she said bothered me. She apologized profusely and we resolved the issue, but all this time later I still feel embarrassed and uncomfortable about voicing my hurt. I hate feeling vulnerable with those I’m not close to. Does this get easier over time?
Great content, Anna.
Ur videos have been helping me allot along side the therapy I have been getting and I want to thank u 😊, I have been on a self healing journey and been dealing with each section one at a time.
I'm so glad the channel has been helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I am a people pleaser and people love me, not for me, for how i make them feel… i attract people who just want to take advantage of me, but they cling to me like fleas, i’m the one who doesn’t like them, but as a people pleaser i don’t know how to get rid of them
Thank you for caring about us enough to tell us. It's just as difficult to say as it is to hear tough love. ❤️
Now I’m confused because I really don’t know if what I’m doing is selfish or if it’s being independent , I don’t know if I’m being a people pleaser or I’m having integrity.
Am I practicing self care by walking away or am I isolating by ghosting them??
I have a nonexistent “relationship” with my sister and I’ll bet if you talk to her she would say the exact same things about me that I say about her , so I don’t know what’s up and what is down anymore I don’t know how to judge any of this. You can always spin a situation to make you look good and make the other person look bad so I don’t know whether to feel guilty of everything you’ve named above or not.
Once again, I’m having a hard time assessing a situation. When I was younger, I could never understand the dynamics of things that were going on in the room. I doubt my ability to do this I guess that must be a CPTSD thing.
If it sounds like I’m just concerned w what others are thinking, I have also spent most of my life accomplishing high levels in the fields of music and art and elsewhere. I spend time educating myself, but I also ruminate in between those times about what is real and what isn’t and I just prefer to be by myself so I don’t have to deal with those people.
Thank you Anna you nailed and highlighted a very real and present issue amongst us CPTSD adult children and I feel each and every word your pronounced really doves in within me. I am very aware of this issue and I carry it within like a very perverse and negative teaching
I think I can see myself or a past self of in a lot of this behaviour. It makes me want to scream, it also makes me embarrassed.
I think what is hard is understanding what I want vs what I need vs what is right for me.
I can’t count the times I’ve dragged myself to the gym, gone to that class or went to meet that friend and I’ve had a great time. But the anxiety, ( of you will let that person down, don’t miss the class you will fall behind, maybe they won’t invite you again) and concern I feel prior makes me wonder if the self care would be to stay in..
It’s a maddening balance that makes me want to pull away and say fuck everything I will be a tree.
Hey, it's fun and nice to do nice things for people. It feels good. People who DEFINE themselves as 'people pleasers' are NOT simply doing nice things just cause it feels good, they are using it as a mechanism of control... and it ISN'T nice; it's meant to be 'safe'... in their minds. It isn't safe for them OR for the others.
I got shouted out by a 'people pleaser' because I should have KNOWN when I asked them what they would like that they would only be answering based on what they thought I wanted. Problem is, they have NO CLUE what I wanted (let alone what they themselves wanted): because I genuinely sought what they would want and they have NO self understanding to be able to even answer that honestly.
I asked this bride what SHE and her groom wanted (they had asked for $$ and I offered to make the item to save costs but needed their wishes clear), and it was MY FAULT for trying to meet that request, which the specifics of the request were later represented as a bold faced 'people pleasing' LIE she told to satisfy me. Ya, I said it: LIE.
I don't like liars, and people pleasers don't know anything else but how to lie to supposedly please others (cowards). There's no meat there of meaning. These people have no there there. They are lost, with no real form, just some strange manipulative obsessive need to bend and conform to everyone else around them. This is called being BROKEN, ya ain't the glue you think you are... you're actually just gumming up the works.
Remember folks, the people pleaser thinks this makes them a NICE person... I got told as much by the people pleaser: they were NICE, I was a b*itch. Well at least I am a b*tch with BOUNDARIES, I'll wear that badge all day long. (And YES I care about you nut jobs.)
Am I missing something? To me this comes across as a fault to the cptsd for being a people pleaser. Now mind you, people pleasing is not a good thing persay if its not back by an authentic self, but isn't it the abuse the cptsd suffered as to why they now people please?
I don't think this video is about blaming anyone, but meant to be helpful if you feel like you're not making real connections with people and what might be keeping them away.
Yes it comes like we are the only ones who try to manipulate others, and the "others" don't at all. Like they are the good ones, and we are the false ones. But sadly this is the way people pleasers often feel when we need support. Like we have no other way to get what we want.
Her prices for courses are high, when you think that she sells hope to desperate and abused people.
But the difference is that she now feels okay with what she does, but we blame ourselves for even wanting anything from others
@@sumari972 I disagree that that is when people pleasers are needing support. I think its a construct of blame. Yes, "we" need support and the tools, but not due to us being people pleasing manipulators. Teach us how to not be abused by giving us tools to authentically get out of situations vs people pleasing to sit within the abuse. If that makes sense. Some of her material is spot on and some, like this one, is a bit off. I would figure her to be "pricey".. Seems since 2020 everyone in the "help" services raised their prices as the flex of those looking for services went up.
My mom does this but doesn’t think she’s doing it. She’s completely in denial about it
Thank you very much. Your tough talk just gave me what I needed to hear.
You got this! -Calista@TeamFairy
Ugh, i people pleased my way out of therapy. She started getting lots of new clients and I basically became less “needy” to schedule sessions so other people could have the time. I haven’t seen her in years, she is super busy and I just felt too guilty and didn’t want her to feel like she had to let clients go. I’ve written and wished her well and she feels like I figured out how to handle things better and that’s why I haven’t seen her. The truth is so lame. I even held back telling her things because I didn’t want to overwhelm her. I have a people pleasing problem big time. With everything. I was a doormat all through adolescence.
I have a brother like that so painful to watch. He doesn't want to change it 52 years and still like that. But his pleasing has to do with his morality and idealism he absolutely does not expect any approval. Yes hard to believe but he really is like that.
People pleaser is a deceptive term. People pleasers often disappoint and lie to everyone around them.
I just loved what u said everything here! Thank you for this.
You are so welcome! Thanks for listening :) -Calista@TeamFairy
It is so much nicer to have you explain my unevolved stuck problem ridden consciousness than religion or society or family or "friends" after listening to you it feels like it's not too big a job to have a look at myself and change. I used to get the opposite impression from everybody else. Like i was defective shameful and always would be. was my impression wrong?
Thank you, thank you, thank you! This clears up a whole bunch of things for me.
Glad it was helpful! Thank you for your comment!
Nika@TeamFairy
I'm really struck by this. Its a painful lifestyle, and deep hole.
I needed to hear this, thank you
Thanks for listening, so glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
What was the brutal honesty vs authentic comment going to be?
this is a very important topic. Thank you so much, dear.
This is codependency which results from narcissistic abuse.
I think being “tough love” is a product of cptsd. That’s at least how I feel it, like I confuse love with abuse so. So what helped me so far with the process of getting there is patience, being okay with being traumatized. Basically acceptance of how I am now. And in the past. Integrating that that was me. That was my experience. And that’s okay. I was ashamed, I was full of guilt and that’s okay. I don’t do tough love to myself. That’s the cause of my cptsd. “Tough love”. “ for your own good”. So yeah, sorry but I really don’t like tough love because I think for us here (with cptsd) that’s the least thing we need.
Best use of that word 🙇♀️
7:30
What if you are people pleasing with your adult children? To try not to lose them.😢
Work on that with this free course: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you so much fairy! 🙏💕
Yes we have to be brave and authentic 👍🙌
Brilliant ! Thank you !
Perfect video for me. At this exact moment Thank you 💜
I had one person say I'm their best friend (like where did that come from).. And i feel pressured into this best friend thing. I already have my best friend, i just don't know how to go about it..
This exact same thing happened to me twice in the same 5 month time period
This excessive people pleasing comes from religion as well as childhood PTSD. Christians are told to put Jesus first, others second and themselves last yet flying on a plane we are told to put our own oxygen masks on first before putting one on anybody else including our own children.
The best thing we can do is teach people to help themselves or even let them deal with things themselves until the need help rather than force help on them. It's why parents shouldn't be helping their children with their homework usually and all they need do is make sure they do their homework and provide them with a quiet space and the material resources needed for that homework.
I think for me, what saved me from trying to people please in spite of the pressure of the special ed environment towards autistic people was twofold: One, I could see the connection between that (particularly the caricaturized version pushed by a lot of autism therapists) and the way the fairy-tale princess Snow White behaves. Like, I think most of us know that while it might be fun to watch that lady in a movie, her constant chirping melodies and twittering words and sweeping around the house cleaning (with or without woodland animals) would be annoying if we had to live with that 24/7. And also it seemed like it might be a pretty long shot to strike the exact set of tones needed to sing their way into people's hearts like that even if Snow White charm WAS a real thing. Which it isn't. The second reason is that my dad made no secret of his contempt for that kind of attitude in other people.
There was another thing that I also think stopped me from going that direction. It was the fact that one of the boys I often was on the school bus with (one of the nice ones) always had that chipper Snow White level people pleasing attitude as a result of HIS autism therapy (which I'm pretty sure was relentless and something he got at home too) and it got him virtually no friends. Not even really among the few girls who went to that school. I was one of the only people who was ever nice to him, and in retrospect that might have been one of the reasons it seems like he might have had a crush on me though he never actually expressed it outright. Seeing a boy be treated as a loser for that attitude isn't going to make you see it as a winning approach, no matter if you are the only one who is nice to them.