Narcissist First Discards You in His Mind, Then in Reality (EXCERPT)
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- Опубліковано 29 лип 2022
- Discard reenacts unresolved separation phase.
Individuation depends on devaluation (in order to preserve grandiosity and exit the shared fantasy) and externalization-projection (reversal of internalization-introjection). When either of these two processes fails, hoovering results.
So, emotionally, discard precedes devaluation. The narcissist hangs on to his partner only in order to complete the devaluation.
Devaluation resembles also the separation phase in adolescence: reactance (defiance), contempt, distancing, negative identity formation, approach-avoidance.
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When my ex started to devalue me, I started to lactate. It had been over 20 years since had an infant. The doctor’s had no explanation for the lactation. I believe he did turn me into his mother and my body responded to him. I continued to lactate for over a year after he discarded me. It also came with tremendous breast pain. I hope that one day we can help people with personality disorders effectively. I suffered so much.
That is crazy, the same happened to me, in a shorter timeframe.
How unbelievable! I felt the narcissist evil energy physically leaving my body energetically for weeks. But this was a short term "friendship ". That is so scary how our bodies talk to us. So glad you are free.
Yikes. He wasn't just a child but an infant. This would be worth an interview with Sam because it's probably a new breakthrough in serious evidence of this dynamic. Wow
@@anniepizmar Did you have a great deal of breast pain too? It wasn’t entirely sexual. He was really acting like a small child when he devalued me. He wanted his teddy bear too. It was a strange experience.
Lmao
Out of topic, but I always get the caption "my name is Son Batman", found it incredibly humorous.
I'm of a great deal of need and advice! I do have a little money from social security each month and I'm now looking forward to getting some help in assistance from the government to move forward in my life at the age of 65 of narcissistic abuse I'd be hoping and willing to pay for your assistance or some advice on what I can do from possibly blackmail of a narcissist but maybe possibly too even some kind of danger! I am on no behavior drugs with no prayers on my criminal background but in some need of good advice from a person like you a doctor of psychology a professor and more thank you very much!
Hahaha.
@@jordobello A channel of our opinions are thoughts! But maybe for me not of a joke or something to wish on anyone 🤔 unless you would be one of those kind of people?
Artificial but far from intelligent....lol
This makes a ridiculous amount of sense about how my marriage ended with my narc husband. It answers some questions I had bouncing around in my head about why he checked out mentally but then didn't physically discard me for quite some time after he made his mind up to be rid of me.
Thank you, Professor Batman.
3:31 I was tortured by my mother & older sister. This shattered my mind and almost broke my spirit. It gave them great pleasure to see me in pain.
Same for me
@@anandanabila8439 Thank you Ananda, your words are beautiful. You too are a miracle.
@@Ellie-rp8bh Sorry to read that you went through the same. But do know there is hope for better days with the right help. God bless you and don't let tormentors win by thriving as an adult.
Never was so much truth about narcissists, shared in such a clear manner. Thank you Prof. Sam Batman!
Such a miserable broken outcome of this severe Pathalogical Disorder😭
Jodie,You look gorgeous ❤,Hope you are not with a narcissist….
Ah so, when he said I was a liar and a cheat and had deceived him because I was a horrible person....it was him 👍
this is so bitter, so bitter to accept!
all argues, all fighting, begging, loving etc. are completely sensless and hopeless.
there never can be a learning or a developement! and it so sick, and freaky and empty and dangerous and destroying!
thank you!
Splitting followed by projection of his own imperfection on the snapshot . This reminded me of Dorian Gray
How utterly tragic.
Brilliant, Sam. “The narcissist imbues the snapshot with his own undesirable traits, and puts it back on you.”
That way, he doesn’t have to admit he was wrong to idealize you.
Of course, there are different forces and tensions in any one situation; still, it’s incredibly useful that you can tweeze out this underlying facet within the base cause of devaluation and present it for our understanding.
Because what he mirrors back is shaming and disgusting. “How did I go from ‘bride!’ to disgusting” is such a wretched and confounding dilemma.
Today is our 39th anniversary. He gave me roses. How? With years of therapy, I have individuated.
In his case, women are creatures of fantasy. He married (captured) one. And she aged and spent money on things his adolescent mind didn’t approve of.
Moving on, mentally discarding then devaluing, while presenting the opposite is in line with what he does in other areas. He makes up alternative reasons for his actions that have nothing to do with his real reason. He confabulates. His whole family does.
Thank you, Sam.
Well said!!
I Love you Batman!! Yes this exactly what happens but then it starts all over again like rinse and repeat and I am the shampoo 7 years now.
She always told me that I was good looking and she married me but yet had to be me of my truth and me to become her of her lies and that I should congratulate her on her victory of me being away for 11 years going back and her strategy masterminding a plan to destroy me once and forever the last time I ever would come go back again!
professor Vaknin. thank you.
I had a discard two days ago, basically she went ultra isolation mode with me and friends towards me, next day told her give me the belongings, she went bananas, calling me Toddler like 5 times, toxic too, so I saw now she was her mother and I was she when she was a child, it's like terrifying when you see what it's happening inside
This video is so valuable,that it could be condensed to the final two minutes and still be enlightening.
Thank you,Professor.
Even as her mother passed away she said that she was going to send her mother to hell for being the meanest woman I replied to her that she was meaner than her mother for sending her there!
I completely understand devaluation now, I think. In every way, except financially, I outshine him. He knows this. I think that's why he would triangulate me with other women. Reject Mr and my body. Tell me I'm not good enough. Those were his qualities and I took them as mine. On top of that I thought I was a jealous, crazy and miserable person.
He hovered me. Even after i cled him out on every social media site I could. I learned so much from your videos.
How does the narcissist react to the “significant other” leaving and going no contact whilst still in the idealisation phase? I.e he’s cut off before being able to complete the cycle?
So as I stayed the whole period of this process I will not be hoovered. That makes now sence for me. I am really finally free 😊
She actually said she admired me that's why she had to become me and my truth and my honesty and I was her now with her lies!
this makes so much sense exactly what is happening I so get it now!
You're so right on the snapshot and handing it back to me thank you you're right that's exactly how she did it!
Thank you so much! You are definitely a professional professor in personality disorder! You have really helped me a lot and understanding in this video and I thank you so much.
Thank you so much for sharing. Your videos are better than any school here in the United States. I wanted your input on my hypothesis on extreme social and sexual deprivation leading to mania.
How does the mother of a 50year narcissist manage to maintain control over her child despite the narcissist’s attempt to break and dispel their partner? It appears that this narcissist is battling against separation from the mother as well as that of the separated partner so where does it end.
Thanks for your interesting videos.
This is exactly what happened with my 40yo ex. We both lived with nearly identical mothers; after a few months of dating I moved out of my mom's house. To simplify a complicated story, he was unable to leave his mom. He love bombed me so much in the first few months (e.g. wanting to get married fast) and even at the beginning of the devaluation phase fought with his mom over me (she started devaluing me earlier). But he ended up reflecting everything his mom said; it's like he didn't have a mind of his own. In the last phase, he sided with his mom and repeatedly was pushing me away and pulling me back, until he decided he was never going to marry and take care of his mom (but he would keep coming back to me after pushing me away). Finally I blocked him everywhere and have spent the past 2 months processing the entire relationship.
Thank you for these videos, Prof. Vaknin! They have helped me understand better what happened.
Professor… your are describing how borderline people do in a momento they discard us !
The snapshot becomes The Picture of Dorian Gray.
Good morning my dear Professor 🧑🏫
Yes she took a snapshot of me she asked me why I didn't congratulate her on her victory saying she was me now with my truth and I was her with her lies!
Sam, does what you describe not also describe the withdrawal phase by a borderline? Sudden, withdrawal of engagement and affection and devaluation ?
You are Batman!!!
All signs above of the discard!
She even told me that I would remind her of her mother!
Wow. Happened to me. This is crazy.
So Dr. Batman, does this not explain why my (recent personal relationship experience with a female) devaluation to discard happen so quickly, within several days because her internalised devaluation had already taken place? Consequently, I was subsequently overwhelmed with the singular question of how someone can profess their love, exhibit their love on Sunday & on Thursday, follow with her list of grievances (my apparent behaviours) presented to me along with her total & complete discard of the relationship. Thank you.
does he ever succeed to externalize the introject eventually? or does it get stuck with him forever? or if he succeeds to get rid of the introject, will he not break down apart because he needs a fantasy to live off?
The last time this happened which was possibly almost 2 years ago now! It all started about the first time when covid hit but she called me when I smiled away from her saying that I forgot to congratulate her on her victory! As I could not talk but stutter her saying that she was me and my truth she admired me so she had to become me of my truth and I was her of her lies! Me being a maintenance man or in that field she had to become me to be around my children of my truth and my love for them but her a liar and now I was her the liar or had her lies and she was me the truth a maintenance person a man but her being woman I simply said she was crazy and hung up on her but to this day I have no relationship because of the blackmail she's caused me between my children and me and my first wife and second time I was married with her being from a different country I legalized her in this country being from a country called Mexico boy was I in for a great disappointment over the 35 years of being discarded and going back countless times of loving her and my children she had always removing the father from the home never was I to be there to teach my children of the truth of who I was or my identity! Always removing me because I would make her feel like a prostitute of me touching her or loving her but her having my four children so she can get my child support or a period of how many years I have a daughter now my oldest turning 30 or 31 years old having four children from my prior marriage all are ruined by her abuse and the disorder in the family and conduct she created returns all I'm lucky to get out with my life possibly even being poisoned I know for sure but I am fine but starting over is sad at the age of 65 when my body is wore out from all the types of work I did even being called back by the last time to remodel her home and then abused again with my credit cards and credit me putting the materials and trusting her once again and again finally being taken away handcuffed till preview proven innocent within 1 hour never having drugs in my system they released me with one hour and a half as I stumbled back down the street not too far from there I thought of one block away I return home with my child my youngest my son crying out to me Dad I'm sorry for the lie mother had told me
Ok, and with a new intimi partner the process starts again Sam??
What does the snap shot look like inside the mind .. is it an image ? Is it a dialogue?
Everyone has snapshots of significant others. Think of your mother: that’s a snapshot.
Why is it that some narcissists don’t devalue and discard their partners?
They all do …some now, others later. But it will happen.. nothing lasts forever.
Don’t non-narcissists do the same?
I believe there was some kind of sick game that she was playing with me like I was her dog and she was my master which I doesn't do not play those kind of games of foolishness of something so satanic as of those games her being like a status watching my pain each time making it worse to make it much better for me for her to enjoy as she suffered as she saw me suffering many times one time after the other of my love and empathy for her and my children trying to do what's right no matter what it cost me even if it was my life for my children always trying to show them along the ways where it even got worse to try to tell them my truce her realizing that it is guarded me and trying to do away with me before that would happen and her to feel like a prostitute of me trying to touch her because she didn't want me to touch her because she never loved me anyways using me after 35 years I was so stupid like she called me a stupid man and me falling to the floor and passing out! How cruel would that be in others eyes but for my own I was lucky to get out with my life and only have this to say run for your life that's all I can tell you is it felt like getting hit by a car going under miles an hour and knocking to God right out of me! Her driving the car and being the devil's daughter as I would describe it!
I had the exact same experience sick and twisted they are, they have so much pleasure from our suffering. but I never let him see me cry, not once. I lost a lot of hair from the stress…
I had a dream once that someone asked me if I’ve met “hell”. That was my name for him in the dream it came out of nowhere. I’m not even very religious
She told me she would never admit that she was wrong that would be telling the truth! But yet she had to be me devalue me but to be me I don't understand me the truth her I was with her life she told me! I don't ever think she knew what love was even from a child her mother hated all her children to slap them in the face now I see her slapping her own children in the face when she says when they tell her mom we love you and ask me dad why does Mom slap Us in the face when we say we love her!
Batman better than Robin 👍
Yes she was abused by her mother throughout her lifetime I slap in the face! It would even carry on to my wife's own children our children together we had slapped in the face when they would say that they love her!
Can it be a dead father rather than a dead mother?
No.
My boyfriend always talks about his abusive father. But according to him, his mother was perfect and was the only one who was there for him. His parents are dead, I never met them, so I only have what he tells me. He is very narcissistic.
@@lianepinkos6703 the narcissist idealizes his mother.
@@samvaknin so she would have coddled him and protected him from his father, and therefore my boyfriend idealises his mother for protecting him, and because of that he wasn't allowed to separate from her because she was protecting him from his father?
Isn’t narcissist very clingy needy annoying If they would discard you good riddance.
I think that is funny BATMAN ...Utubes AI can't spell or listen ... Lol
Could you please let me know where your video called you are 2 women and you say Obama is dangerous.