What a sick and twisted tornado I lived within for 22 yrs. Its nearly impossible to make sense of being discarded like bags of garbage. Until you come here and listen to Sam. Thank you for making sense of what I suffered. As l look around at the debris field around me, I guess it’s time to start cleaning up. May God bless each and everyone of us that has dealt with one of these demons.
After 45 miserable years I finally left.i was a shell of who I was when we met. I had every kind of abuse described in your lecture along with everyone described in the comments. But I had taken my vows seriously and i felt it was my lot in life. But then I realized he hadn't meant any of his vows and he wasn't capable of loving anyone but himself. Or should I say not even himself. Yes. We are both 72 years old now and I have been free for 8 years now. He made the mistake of leaving just one tiny crumb of me and I decided I would build on that. Not much left to work with but I was determined to put myself back together and find the much deserved happiness that everyone should have. It was as if I had to bury that shredded piece of rag that I walked around in and take my crumb and start building . It hasn't been easy but after 45 years of the hell he put me through its been a piece of cake. I'm actually happy now and now have a "friend" who treats me like a princess for the last 3 years. I don't I tend to marry again (at my age ? ) it's not necessary. But I know what a real man is now . And I will continue to try to put me back together. I know I can! I havnt spoken to the X since the divorce and don't care to. I'm done with all that. But ladies PLEASE don't take the best years of your life and waste it on him like I did. Get out while you are as much as you can be now and start building. You can't fix him no matter how much you love him now. And he'll never let you be happy. Trust me. Been there ,done that and walked away with my last shred.
@Diane Rainey .. aah your story is so common, but I was inspired. I hear happiness and clarity through your words, and that makes me happy : D So glad you got out and are free to be who you are without any abuse. Much love to your continued healing.
Narcissist get bored easily. The relationship turns old and stale real quick for them. They need new simulation often. They love to see people in pain. Your Pain is their gain because the pain is about them.
Wow! This is just brilliant! It all makes so much sense now. There’s so much I have to say regarding this, but at the same time I’m at a loss for words. Unless someone has experienced narcissistic abuse, they will never understand the damage it does to the victims.
I noticed about a week after being married I became his enemy and had to defend myself against him all the time. He was in competition with me and I had no idea what I had done. I thought we were supposed to be connected as one. Its wasnt that way at all it was me against him. There was nothing I could do to make him treat me well. He treated me like I was the best thing that ever happened to him until I signed the marriage certificate then I was his worst enemy. He treats me according to the scenarios he makes up in his mind. I felt as if I was going crazy and he told me i was crazy when i got upset.
Same thing happened to me. Years of crazy making ups and downs. 48 years latter I’m learning I was the sane one and he was crazy. What Sam is saying is true. Get out while you can. It only gets worse and possibly financially ruin your retirement like mine did to me.
I am so sorry. Bait and switch. 30 yrs for me. Get out while no kids. He will just get worse. Believe Sam. Save your sanity. Grieve the relationship. Don't grieve him. You can't love him well. Its just really sad xxx
18 yrs l put up with his drug habit, he hardly worked his mother was mad, he married me to look after him . I'm done walked away 3 yrs ago , he kept my belonging and helped himself to the joint bank account. Unbelievable.. Glad to be alone..
I grew up in a remote farming community in Wales and I had never met a narcissist. I had no idea psychopathic individuals existed. No one narcissistic would have been created in such a place nor tolerated for long. Those who did not belong were pushed out like splinters. Once I moved to more urban areas I became to encounter narcissists and had relationships with them, much to my detriment.
My family is originally from the countryside and I can assure you that a lot of the narcissism a lot of the rural families have, before they became urbanites, was passed down from farmer fathers parentifying their children to prepare them for the harsh living conditions, including girls assuming male roles in the farmland and in the family unit in patriarchal households. My narcissistic boss on the other hand comes from an affluent urban family from a city notorious for its narcissistic social culture. I guess narcissism is an adaptive and pervasive phenomenon that can thrive in any milieu as long as it finds the necessary human conditions, be it in the countryside or in the city.
I love your splinter reference!! They are a fecker to get out and leave a reminding pain. Epsom salts+sudo cream heals the plant variety with a little time.👍
My first experience with a Narc was 2 years ago Suddenly attracted one lol. Disturbing experience. Fake, fake and fake nice. They're predators, cowards, compulsive liars, mentally abuse people, control and manipulation tactics. Gut feeling screamed get away from that thing. Dumped it, no contact and Narc free. Don't care what it's doing, I'm living and loving life. Lesson learned can detect one instantly now.
@@IndranisKitchen when it comes to playing mind games and fuckery. You'll be surprised at how low most will go to win at nonsense. Depending on the situation, givinh
Yes. I noticed that the only emotional intimacy he offered was when he was showing up as a little boy. I naturally mothered him. Finally saw a Narcissistic Rage when I “didn’t meet his basic needs” by “allowing HIS lips to crack without chapstick.” Turns out, I have an unresolved anxious pre-occupied attachment style and my own father issues. A perfect match. I craved and showed up to any intimacy I could get & then he’d withhold. Trauma bond had me in its grip. Lucky that my degree in Psychology gave me enough info to recognize & research what was happening in the first week and yet, my intellectual curiosity & the biological changes in my brain and body had me stay 4 months. We hit every Freudian marker in our brief time together. I have been working on resolving my own developmental trauma and self care. Walking, guided meditation to learn to be present with my body and my breath, emotional regulation techniques, deep sleep, EMDR, whole food nourishment, studying “self-abandonment,” and a resolve to let others walk their own path at their own pace are helping me integrate the trauma among many other remedies and new insights. If it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. That trauma bond biochemical shift is REAL. Learning to love myself and not abandon myself or my adaptive inner child. You are not alone. 🤗
@@sandiealdridge4765Go to therapy. You’re never going to heal an attachment wound alone. Changing insecure attachments is rare. I’m a therapist btw. I work with attachment and relational trauma.
The "abyss of the narcissist mind" that's a good one. They dont have any moral scruples or empathy when they can devalue and discard the person who is caring for them and who loves them.
Some day, when we have studied narcissism enough, I think it’s important to let go of the need for knowledge of the narcissist and the abuse that happened. We keep them alive inside our mind if we proceed to study them and not “just” accept ‘the defeat’. Thank you for all your lectures.
Yes but until you find THIS INFORMATION you remain a victim. This guy has opened my eyes and answered my questions I've searched for years to find answers to! He actually knows what he's talking about and makes it all make complete sense. I am so grateful to have seen this video. My narc info search can now be complete!! Amen!
To the lady who spent 45 yrs with the Narcissist husband....my heart goes out to you. We share ALOT in common. I too was married to a Narcissist for 45 yrs. I took my vows seriously also....but he did not. God was good to me. He died in 2022 from a social disease...HPV....CANCER. GOD IS GOOD! TAKE CARE OF YOU...GOD BLESS....LIVE A GOOD LIFE NOW AS I AM.
Me too. Iam married to a NPD with cancer. 12 years of married. Now he dating his nurses. 2 that I know now. Since we have two properties. I decided to fly back home here in Spain and he stays in Kent in his flat where I discover his second nurse affair. Now I don't know to divorce him without annomosity.
11 years with a diagnosed NPD ex, this is clear. The relationship with his mother was exactly as you described. He was always trying to recreate that relationship. At some of his vulnerable moments, he would admit the abuse he suffered as a child at the hand of his mother. I never connected the dots until years later, after learning about narcissism. This is 100% accurate. The resentment he had toward his mother was projected on to every single woman he dated since high school!
They always have a problem with their mothers. Always. And the father is absent in some way (alcoholic, abuser, entirely missing - physically or emotionally)
The problem with the devaluation and discard is that it doesn't work from the Narcissist long. That is why they have to keep chasing more and more supply. In doing so, they keep having to returning to same mommy over and over even after he discards her. Therefore he has a love hate relationship with her.
Great video. Kind of an identification with the aggressor. Projecting mother onto objects and then taking revenge on them and treating them exactly how they were treated as children. Devalued and abused and abandoned
As a victim of a 7 year narcissistic friendship, that I cannot seem to end, your videos terrify me. The fantasy world of my relationship with him is so powerful and takes me away from my reality. I have a great life: a good marriage, great kids, a great career, a beautiful house, friends and hobbies YET when he comes around I totally lose sight of everything but HIM and it terrifies me! How he gets inside my head and consumes me when I have so many good things in my life. Why do I allow him to allow me into his fantasy world? Your videos scare me as everything you discuss has happened to me, continues to happen to me and I continue to speak with this man. We are not sexual but remote co- workers., yet his name and his voice are beyond powerful and create an escape for me causing severe anxiety and depression. He is an intellectual covert narc who loves to talk! Narcissism is Terrifying and I can’t seem to escape. It’s addictive and I am stuck in the cycle seeking Freedom. Sam - thank you for all the insight and growth of my vocabulary.
I feel you. What I am realizing is that I need to focus on my own minds mechanics. Just like Sam is dicing the narcissist mind, what makes me want to get in the fantasy world? What makes you get inside the fantasy world and sign a psychological contract with this person? For me, I do see reality but how I process reality is the issue. So is it that you twist the reality or process reality differently?
First, you are spot on about our involvement - May I thank you Sam, for your brilliant and insightful work! I am a beneficiary of a narcissist in more ways than one! how? I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 6 years. After the first year, and after a particularly verbally abusive outburst from him, I had an epiphany! He so completely and emotionally broke me that he actually helped me to really find myself. I was in a bad place when we met and needed love and compassion. Once he broke me, I began to recover, I learnt about myself, went to therapy and started working on myself. Eventually on a day I decided to disagree with him, he physically attacked me - I went to the police and he was arrested. That was 8 months ago, and my therapy continues, his abuse actually opened my eyes to myself and I have grown stronger and become a new independent self… with strong boundaries!
I was way older than my Narc. He convinced me totally he wanted to marry me and it never happened. It exploded last month when I said no to no more money. I first time seen his Rage and he turned into someone I never seen it coming at all. He targeted me from the very beginning and manipulated me to the core. I never had it ever happen to me like this. I’m devastated and in pain. Thank you for explaining it.
Never in my 32 years of life have I ever seen or listened to a professional go as deep into the psyche. Last night I watched the video you posted about the Narcissist and Borderline relationship. I have BPD. My boyfriend is a covert narc. Exhusband is an actual diagnosed grandiose Narcissist. You simply blow my mind.
@Prof. Lunay Costa While I do not fully understand your comment please do not invalidate, shame or make light of other people's experiences. If you do not fully understand the subject then researching will do you a lot of help. Have a blessed evening.
@@felixoupopote I totally agree that it is about the often overly empathetic people as well, because not everyone ends up entangled with highly narcissistic individuals. 🙁
@@felixoupopote They target empaths cos they have no empathy or compassion themselves. They like to dominate and torture sensitive peeps, cause pain and stress. It's not me ITS THEM. Walk in light and love💜
You've described my situation perfectly. My question is why one discard isn't enough to bring about the desired result. It seems to be a never-ending cycle of the discarding of a "mother figure" which, although giving the narcissist temporary control over a "stand-in" for his mother, has not brought about separation from his own, actual mother. Or something to that effect.
I just realized something myself, which relates. ( Pun unintended). My dad was a serial wife beater, till she died of old age. When he was 9, his father died a prisoner of the Gestapo. He then had to become a street fighter to feed his siblings. One day he discovered his mom was donating his money to the church. In his bouts of anger, and beatings, he kept reminding us his mom was a "nincompoop". Since my mom died, he changed, and became a wonderful friend. However in time, l found myself to be vilified by him, despite doing so many things in his garden during lockdown, where l was stuck with him. The gaslighting, lies and name- callings resumed. Leopards NEVER change their spots.
Thank you. Makes so much sense, it's exactly this way. Spot on! Complete neglect after the initial period of "normal relationship". Sadly, there are "friends" who kept asking me "what did you do to make him neglect and abandon you?" "It takes two to tango". Ive left such "friends" behind, much to the narcissist's delight. Duper's Delight. The craziness is incomprehensible, but I'm the one who "looks crazy" describing a crazy relationship.
This the absolute worst of it all, if you haven’t experienced narcissistic abuse yourself no one can understand it. It’s almost like you HAVE to isolate to protect yourself from the slightest negative opinion of others because you already have your brain hijacked by the narc. If it’s not positive and uplifting to MY SPIRIT I absolutely can not hear it. Especially considering the fact that most of us who fall victim to this are extremely understanding, extremely empathetic, always considering what the person is going through. And sadly when your not with someone who pours back into you in this way but does the complete opposite. It’s inevitable that your reality, your feelings, your thoughts get neglected.It’s such a lonely battle.
I have had so many theories about this from my own experiences, and have heavily wondered if narcissists primary supply and main supply were motherly figures that created a dynamic where they could reenact their childhood and either humiliate the person in the parentified role as a form of displacement or to act out trying to create the attachment that will create a safe place for them to explore the world similarly as a child would. I’ve also wondered if outside supply (like that of a mistress) is their way of enacting on their buried fantasies that involve that of what they believe society has deemed “bad”, or extra partners that are along the lines of what a teenager would seek out. When I’ve met and seen narcissists in action, the main supply tends to seem motherly/fatherly, and the mistresses histrionic, borderline, antisocial, and grandiose, which feeds into their fantasies of power and grandiosity, especially if they’re histrionic, which those partners are just another sign of their underdevelopment. Mainly this seems to be the case because now one of their partners is almost just as special as themselves (obviously not quite), but their partners histrionic tendencies draws a lot of attention and they not only have a “trophy” side piece that they believe everyone wants, but they get to degrade that trophy to being just a side piece, feeding into their belief that they are the most desirable and everyone insatiably wants them, because to them, even the one person who seems to be desired by all their competitors will settle for crumbs and the bare minimum just to get a minute of their time.
love your views, especially noting that the narcs primary supplies in my case was always from the "light" kind, responsible abd stable women with oodles of unconditional love and his extra supply was always from the "dark" drug addict, sexually exploitable and very unstable. Poles apart.
WOW! This was seriously profound. I love how you talked about our disconnection from nature and how that contributes to narcissism. There is a documentary called "Ancient Futures" that covers this in a way. It follows this indigenous culture through a process of urbanization and monetization and they actually captured on the film how it destroys them culturally. Where there was once abundance and joy, connection, cohesion and high quality of life, it becomes a mirror of our Western culture with narcissism, depression, poverty, suicide, and crime. I HIGHLY recommend watching it for anyone who is interested in these ideas!
Thank you. I've been hunting for a good documentary. This idea of Narcissism being linked to urbanization and technology is both fascinating and horrifying to me
This was brilliant and extremely insightful. This video saved me this morning and I believe was an answer to my prayer. I've been ruminating and blaming myself for being devalued and discarded. He is the voice in my head and it's confusing and hurtful. This gave me so much clarity. I'm going to follow you and get as much knowledge and self help as possible. Thank you 😊💜
Thank you so much !! You have explained so much why my ex acted the way he did . The counsellor told him and me that’s he’s a narcissist but of course he couldn’t accept that and the trauma bond was strong . I’m now out of it and so much happier with my life . I can live in peace now
This is the most insightful thing I've ever heard on the topic. It really does explain everything! My last relationship was with a man 12 years younger with self described "mommy issues." Devalue and discard were blatant and clear.
It took me more than a year to find an answer to what was wrong with me, thank you so much for the information you sharing, professor. I cared, loved, gave him all myself and he discarded me after 14 years. The awful part is he did it through the third person. He couldn’t say anything to my face, continued like nothing going wrong still loving me, until I received the message from his mistress that he doesn’t love us and staying with me just because of child, he has been bringing her to our family home while we aren’t there. What a coward people are out there. Please take care of yourselves, personally took it as a motivation to be a stronger person, pursue my goals 💫
It's my parents who have devalued me. It is an EXCELLENT way of disguising their shortcomings. eg, it's not that they had no empathy, it's that I was sensitive. It's not that they have no communication skills, it's that I was entitled having the expectation that we might have a conversation. It's not that they refused point blank to hear me, it's that I was aggressive not bowing down to their stonewalling. It just goes on and on and on . They're perfect, all they want from me is that I breath in and out quietly, absorbing all the blame. And now my 17 year old son hates me and one of the things he has provided as a reason for believing that I'm a bitch is ''even your parents hate you''. I just refuse to be the trash can for my families shortcomings and anger. Nobody treats me worse than my family. I've been friends with people from school for 30 years and we have good friendships. My family treat me like I'm crazy and sensitive and angry and apparently a b i t c h. I said ''why am I a bitch?''. No answer. I just am. I should just accept it. No. I need to stop trying.
The individuation via discard is apparent and profound related to relationship with mother. It indeed parallels and supports my experience with the narcissist and more so the etiology of the phenomena as it relates to its origins of past maternal relationship. If only it were as clear to the perpetrators.
He discarded me and replaced me with his adult daughter. She didn't grow up with him. He idealized and love bombs her. It is just bizarre. I have to wonder if he will discard her. He discarded his mother so I assume so.
I dated a person who did this to me through their daughter. Isolated ,triangle the 3 of us and of course the daughter was sickened by this parent and you could see the power play towards me . Thx no thx -it’s absolutely horrific and abusive like nothing I’ve never seen before. All the best -don’t ever go back .
I must add - the last few years have been a paradise for a Narcissist Its a great type of a character to keep up in a work environment where you ( nowadays) need to be portrayed as a strong individual by being selfish, emotionless, cold and extremely competitive I can clearly see the difference Being born and raised in a stable as such society, small town, everything being on time, kids raised with the same values etc …. Leaving that safe environment, moving across seas and working for big companies- learnt a lot. I choose to be myself I choose to stay away from the rat race I choose to not join the social media and i don’t follow anyone I choose to ( unfortunately sometimes ) hide in my beach based town away from the city to recover mentally and stay away from noise and anger I can clearly see in the younger population who was brought up differently to us 40 yrs ago, they are a totally new breed already. My child will be different again to them and especially to me Narcissism is hugely celebrated nowadays Mistaken for strength Wanted and chased All the lovely descent values that were in-printed to me as a child are almost no longer respected and needed I happen to be a sensitive soul with a sharp side ( yeah i can bite when needed ) - and its tough i must say Finding a tribe of people who are kind - its becoming a rare possibility I am very confused as such as on one hand i wanna be out there and get to know so much more and on the other I’m exhausted from constantly protecting myself from the weirdness out there My normal is no longer my old society normal anymore if it makes sense to you guys I do find it challenging as a woman, new mother, etc nowadays to fit in anywhere new
@Into the unknown ... Wholy cow. You speak my language. I feel the same way about society and the new generation not having the same values I do. I keep going and try to bring kindness wherever I go even if it's not welcome. : D
He is still very connected to his mother. She spoiled him rotten and he is now taking care of her in her old age with dementia. She doesn't want him with me or anyone else.
My X mummy's boy has him back always dangled the $$$ control , what did he do to me.. l was the servant, worker house cleaner mother to him and child .. he come from a rich family ... the Volcher awaits inheritance... lm in AUS left 3 yrs ago.
I have watch in great agony as my daughter is enduring all this from her spouse. She is indeed like a puppet striking out at her own family members at his whim while he hides out in the shadows smirking triumphantly.
Hindsight is truly 20/20. I have a daughter in the same situation - selected then groomed by his family. Now the gap between her and her family grows, and my grandchildren are facing the same destructive future.
Thank you. You have perfectly described exactly how I have been treated by a malicious malignant narcissist. Incredible insight - especially destructively taking over the inner critic. Devalued and stripped out, questioning my own reality. Victim of lies and smear campaign. Very very helpful, I'm recovering now.
Thank you for posting this video, and it is giving me a MASSIVE insight. He's explaining how the narcissistic person creates a puppet relationship with the person who is codependent with them, in order to re-enact childhood enmeshment and lack of boundaries with the mother / parent / caregiver. And how that person externalizes all of their sense of self outside of themselves, and hands over their sense of authority, their sense of decision making, their sense of self and confidence, externally onto the narcissist. Basically, what he describes as "hollowing out" of the interior of the inner self of the enmeshed person, and in doing so, that person becomes completely reliant on the external person - the narcissist - for validation, for self-reflection. Because they completely lack an inner self. Because they have been turned into a puppet to reflect the narcissist back to themselves, so that they feel superior and in control. This completely validates everything I have come to realize over the last year, and the reason why a narcissistic person does this is because they too lack an inner self and they require attention and validation from others, from the external, in order to feel that they exist in the world. They are empty of an inner self and have to suck on other people in order to be validated. But the big insight is that this whole setup is due to the complex of factors from one's childhood, because as a child, you build your self-identity based on your caregiver, based on your parent / mother. For me specifically, it took YEARS to separate my actual inner self identity from my mother. It took years to differentiate between what is my authentic self, and what is hers. Because I inherited unresolved intergenerational trauma that was passed down to me from my mother and my mother's epigenetic family lineage, and I took those traumas into myself and made those traumas my own, I therefore have spent the rest of my adult life trying to differentiate between what is mine and what is hers. Coming to the point of inner authenticity is a big job, because we have allowed ourselves to be hollowed out and replace ourselves with our inherited trauma.
Wow, very interesting. I worked with another therapist years ago that talked about past trauma we carry in our DNA from our ancestors. We don't know our lineage from 3 or more generations back. I recently had a healing session called chord removal. Some First Nation Indiginous People recognize and work with this. Fascinating to me, in this life school.🌞🌱
Learning about NPD in scientific, technical terms is so much better than consuming the doom and gloom, spiritual warfare takes on narcissism. And is less triggering.
I had this situation with my ex who cheated on me, then discarded me... After a committed relationship... She had this very weird connection with her mother who passed on 9 years ago... And this video made complete sense... In a way, she made me a surrogate mother and then dumped me to obtain her separation-individuation.
Thank you for all you do!!! I have been free from my narc since 2015 (ex-parter) … I thought It was me but I knew something was off. I started researching Narcissistic abuse AFTER I left him and was so validated! We need this platform out there because women tend to blame themselves. I am sure woman who are narcissistic have many victims including their poor children. My sister emasculates her son.
Brilliant paradigm! And the minute you step out of the role assigned to you by getting sick, or drawing a boundary or acting out of character like being a real person with your own opinions and values, then BAM! The sky falls down and the shite hits the fan. You are left reeling, what the hell just happened? Right? This is true with both overt and covert narcs. So folks, be yourself from the start, dont be the mirror, the “good fit”
Stop fawning and being a people pleaser. Don't pretend to have their values if you don't naturally possess them. That's the fastest way these creeps will reel you in for destruction. Be bold and assert yourself from the very beginning.
Thankyou for this , most helpful information for my healing. My ex narc stole my mind , gonna take a long time for me to be me again , I thought I could save him but it was doomed from the start. I really appreciate your videos, I read your book everyday ,good to have you back on here . 😊
Ok, if he needs to separate from a partner (emotionally and physically) as he would do it to his mother as a child but never managed to, so called 'an unfinished gestalt' , logically he finally closes this gestalt. But why does he continue to find another victim and to repeat the same over and over again?
This explains a lot! Thank you, Professor Vaknin! Not only did the family narc fulfill leaving his completely submissive partner (surrogate mother), but he left, being in full control. He died of his own free will, of liver disease he could have prevented by not drinking. He was in total control of his life, and drank up until the day he was put on a ventilator which ended in his death. She was simply a vehicle to gain what he needed. It got ugly toward the end, but she nursed him, remaining in denial. Now she is left hurting, head spinning, wondering why he wouldn't save himself to stay with her -because he said he loved her so much...She can't fathom what he was and I can't explain it to her. She would never believe me, and it would destroy her.
@@hardywatkins7737 thank you for that. He was irrational for a while, but refused any help. Probably embarrassed but could NEVER admit it, no less, look at the things that I know pained him. Whenever I'd try to open that door, he'd dismiss it and change the subject. And, I know he hated himself. Such a sad thing, because he had so much potential...smdh😞
Thank you Dr. Vaknin for sharing your understanding of this subject. I chuckled when I thought about how the narcissist that was in my life was so hell-bent on instant gratification in all ways that he mocked me when I purchased a bag of pistachios still in their shell. This was something that he educated me on that why would he take the pistachio out of the shell when they can be bought pre-shelled. I very much appreciate you explaining the correlation of the individuation and separation phase of a child from his mother to the devaluation and discard phase of the "relationship" that I was in. This makes all the sense in the world as the expression goes. I was only an introject and my objective existence was not part of his programming or plan. I was substituted by an avatar.
Professor Vaknin ! Wow just Wow! I feel as though i have been a case study within Narcissism. Been the victim ( no longer) for over 3 decades. Married to a Grandiose Narc, his Mother a Covert Narcissist - playing the Only Adult role amongst these people. Raising kids - in the middle of these adult toddlers. I was a stay at home mom, i worked a small amount outside the home at first but then it became possible for full time. The human amount of Energy i wasted on these people Energizes me to go forth with 100 % no more mrs. nice girl. I spent the whole time analyzing why these two felt they could play evil tug of war over everything. What you said Was So Amazing to me about City Life versus Rural! My parents grew up rurally and understood the value of labor ( this is not to criticize anyone outside my personal journey). I then was raised with a Family business and other labor projects my Dad took on. It was totally expected that i as a female chip in, when i was 16 I started other jobs outside the Family etc. My husbands Grandparents were at the ages to participate in WWII. Then when they raised my MIL they taught her the value of hard work, but nothing too much. She being a Covert Narc, who was told she was Perfect while her only sister was belittled with a nickname that portrayed her as being overweight ( we saw all the old pictures and the only thing she had was more pronounced cheeks - not at all overweight). I understand that now, would be like Golden Child and Scapegoat…the Perfect MIL (Ha Ha Ha). She decided her only son would only play constantly, maybe pick up his very organized toys - which she would also sell off yearly without his knowing just to decrease items in the home ( and I know also to be popular with the people she would sell them to for one quarter - yes 25 cents for a whole bucket full). It was a Win Win for this admiration monger. Then she would make the Whole year about if you behave good you will receive Big from Santa. Give me a Break! I had like 10 toys my whole time growing up. Imagine her Anger when my husband said we would not be making a big deal of santa - how could she maneuver and buy everyone without this. My MIL and her sister went on to have good jobs and full careers - but did not pass on the values to their children…more pampered and coddled. They were more city folk and even thought nursing children was Wrong, embarrassing, and not civilized - So as I nursed all of my children ( modestly) another reason to disvalue me. When my first child was just about five - as we ourselves were figuring out our next steps as parents - my MIL says surely then you will go back to work. Who did she assume should raise my child? Disgusting. She comes across as demure…Such a False disguise as she is a Covert Narc. I do not believe inlaws need to disagree and be distant and unloving. So I actually was always trying to be kind and inclusive and respectful - thinking if she sees good things she will seem more accepting and less behind the scenes judgemental - So often these criticisms - tug of wars were between them, over phone conversations etc. Now that I AM UNDERSTANDING more fully - I LOOK BACK with new Clarity. , my MIL says she taught by example….Ha! She three decades later still declares that. She has always devalued her son - at the same time ACTING demure and wanting Everyone to sing her praises. All because he did not chose the career path she wanted him to and did not learn by her example. All the while Exactly as you said expecting me to act as mommy - doing everything. I have always kind of concluded the difference from Country to City Life was also the fact that in the Country you have enough of your own business to mind - where some in the city ( my MIL) everything was easier. Again this is no unkind thoughts to the city life - just different and for some individuals not productive.
Just ‘Wow!’ Thank you Prof Sam, you have clarified so much in this video. Important understandings. The last section was unexpected - Metaverse, agriculture, urbanism, nature etc etc had me totally absorbed. I live in rural countryside and am mostly self sufficient for food,, so everything you say makes so much sense and resonates with me. Thank you!
This was the most thought provoking and powerful statement I have ever heard on this subject. It puts it in a totally different context than I have ever heard and it’s like the pieces of the puzzle come together. The new frontier of the meta verse, web3, represents a very frightening view of what is to come as well. This gives new meaning to getting back to nature. The absolute dire need to cultivate the sense of nature within yourself and the life you create for yourself and the people you surround yourself with as well and also, the need to maybe limit the sphere of people in your life in order to preserve this calmer and more mature sense of nature within ourselves.
This is life changing for me I have had been devalued and discarded and did not understand how someone so in love can wake up one morning after loving me the night before and switch off totally for 2 years and I suffered so much became unwell and then he left for a multi billionaire and still stays in contact…. I now know it’s not me
@@ru.m.6119 I had to address his behaviour towards me. He seemed pleased when I told him off. It was just as Sam said, regarding 'wanting' this discipline. Then the discard happened.
This was exceptional! I especially loved the end where you explained nature's healthy influence on psychological maturity. I have never considered that. It was so thought provoking. It caused me to re-evaluate my responsibility. 29:21
Hence the big drive now, certainly apparent in the UK, to get young children in touch with nature, the outdoors and physical play in their early years; forest schools, etc. P.I.E.S.: physical, intellectual (cognitive), emotional and social --early childhood development through structured play.
If I need to choose just one video presentation of Prof. Vaknin, out of all he created, this would the most valuable and dear to me. I grew up on a farm in small community in the European country devastated by the WWII. In pursuit of education I moved to city of about 800 K population. The starry nights were ruined by the city's brutal lights. I missed the stars. For personal reason, I moved to the Metropolitan Area of Washington DC....observed and painfully experienced the disconnection between people, but especially indifference toward homeless, most of them mentally ill.
It's so true. For eg. In India metropolitan cities like Delhi and Mumbai are considered highly narcissistic contrary to tier 2 or 3 cities. If you go to a village and ask for food they much more likely to invite you to have lunch or dinner with them in their humble abode. In cities we all know how it's gonna end up. If this is the case with a conservative and highly social country like India I can only imagine the environment in New York or London.
And when, as a 50 year old Manchild, he discards and separates from you (his surrogate Mommy) he runs back to his biologic Mommy, now elderly but no less needed and all consuming. This woman who abused and broke him in the first place. And if you ever try to show recognition or support for them in regards to the fact that the parents are unkind or treat him poorly, he will panic, become defensive and exclaim, in a panic, that his parents love and adore him. You are wrong. 🤯ugh!!!
@@glamgodess9643 you are exactly right. It’s like a hold this person willingly gives their abuser. I think it is so familiar to my ex and your niece that they feel empty without it. It truly is like the child that runs to the abusive parent for fear they will be angry later if they don’t. It’s a sick control game they call, “Love”. No wonder intimate partners don’t stand a chance later in life. Be well.
I follow ALL of these video's (thanks for what you do)...Covert in my life...THIS is probably the BEST "explanation" that my mind can grasp (in the area of not blaming oneself) over the CONSTANT (honestly its like having a fourth kid)..games, disloyalty (which you don't even "realize" until your too deep in).. and lies and deceit that get orchestrated over decades by these sneaky folks. Lucky we have people like you to help us hold up the sword of "truth" (and under standing)...
MINDBLOWING!!! So obvious what you are sharing! Really Sam , you have given me insights about what happened and also made many lights go on for me. With some people we just need to see the cycle that is happening. Also i ave been learning more about what i have done, made myself doubt myself. Something in us, always knows what is true or not. We just need to LISTEN.
Wow ,brilliant video. Explains so much things that I was asking myself about my situation with my soon to be ex husband. Yes,only someone lived with narcissist can understand the meaning of what the professor said. Thank you prof Vaknin
Thank you as always Prof. Sam Vaknin! So I understand so much more about the narcissist and their journey. How does the "victim " or "puppet" get the narcissist's voice out of their head as their "inner critic"? I have all of my 58 years of my mother, 18 of my husband and 9 of a boyfriend, constantly inside as my inner critics. All 3 of them still in my head, every day, every hour! I have virtually no contact with ex-husband, no contact with boyfriend, and talk with mother every couple days.
Carol, try this exercise once see if it helps. Go out to play golf, one time with a teacher or opponent. When you recriminate after each swing try to identify your own inner voice critic. We all have this, it's nothing to worry about. After a few drinks, at the 19 th hole, you will laugh at the criticism of those other people whether or not you won or lost the game.
Thank you for this shorter, though concise class on the topic. The thing is that after watching almost all of your videos on narcissism, and really understanding step by step their modus operandi when introjecting people, I CANNOT get in their shoes...kind of "feel" the way they overlook-confuse the external objects. It feels like a Sci Fi script.
First time I heard someone say they were spoiled. His mother was/is very controlling and stubborn. She spoiled him as a child. This is so on point!! Totally agree with what he said my ex husband only needs his computer to meet all his needs. Didn’t have many friends and didn’t want to hang out with me most of the time. But stayed on the computer all day every day
Aha. This is why...he indeed pressured me into being a substitute mother. Yes, I did not exist as myself. Without ever hearing about narcissism, I felt he was "molding" me into replica of his mother. This was the most painful aspect of my marriage. I am just awaking from 46 years of nightmare. Thank you, Prof. Vaknin.
Wow. This is mind-blowing. I sensed from our very first fight, that he wanted to end the relationship (yet it went on for three years (and it may not be over yet!)). I look forward to seeing this whole video and every other post from this Professor. Thank you for sharing your insights, sir!
@@fooled_twice4668 Yes, yes, yes! I want to say more, but one thing really jumps out as true for my case, like yours: his hate-filled treatment of me symbolized a getting back at his mom (without him realizing it because he idolizes her, gets tears in his eyes, talking about how good and kind she is, but I recognize, from the tears, that it's a pain-filled issue)!
I feel so consoled with my inner instincts pushing me to choose living in the contryside, leaving this artificial social ladder behind; I feel no longer socially misfit, now I have the evidence I am far smarter with my desire for preserves making. Remaining a slight narcissist tho. Thank You Sam :D :D
I think this is the best explanation of the creation of a narcissistic personality I ever heard not only on the internet, thank you Prof Vaknin! One question though - why mother? Does the father play any role in this process?
Is it possible that the narcissist is love booming and discarding you every week without actually physically leaving you??? My psycho partner is repeating this kind of actions every week. Each time I act/ say or look different than his inner avatar of me he’s telling me that I caused his anger and he’s punishing me with silence treatment or devaluation and a threat of ending‘relationship’ or using other things like money to threat me. He very often says that one day I’ll learn how to behave. He thinks he is above everyone. He can do or say whatever. As someone said he’s good at giving but not taking criticisms etc. It’s all very devastating and exhausting.
Yes, it is possible and it is happening to you as we speak. You need to leave peacefully and quietly because it is the only safe way, and you need to be firm and stay strong in your decision to leave. Only leave when you are ready. Meanwhile try to learn some techniques how to survive them before you can leave. This can get very dangerous quick so please be careful. God bless.
Girl we need to talk, I've been going through this for 4 years. I've met his mother, I've experienced him think I'm telling him he doesn't know how to do something when it was his own inner thoughts being projected at me. I've stayed because I am 9 years his senior, and after knowing him and his upbringing I swore I would not abandon him - show him that is not what people who care about another do.. the lovebombing , devaluation, and discard happen on a weekly basis, it is exhausting. I git up the courage to move out after 3 1/2 years of suffering this- he hit ROCK BOTTOM I was his primary. He crashed and destroyed his vehicle, which his mother gave him, got a dui , lost jobs etc... now I went from the victim- persecutor- savior role... I moved back in after a yr... after finding out how he was suffering----- I was doing great--- nope , I was* am trauma bound*... so now after saving him I am a volunteer for the abuse- but I don't take it ... I urge you to read - listen to books on how to be in a relationship with a narc- boarderline . KNOWLEDGE IS POWER... BEAT THEM AT THERE OWN GAME.. some of them are damaged. Aren't cheaters- just really fucked up with mommy issues...
@@suzyqlee hello my friend! I hope you are doing ok. Just want you to know that as sorry as you feel for him, it is not your responsibility to “help” him because you know he needs it. I even feel bad advising you this way, but I am only saying so because I know I was very much in a similar position with my narc ex, only he was my senior. I realized very quickly that when he would rage at me and do bad things on the many occasions they happened, it was always God showing me that I am protected, and that he will get what he deserves. Yes, you absolutely CAN live with a narc, but you will always lose a little bit of peace each interaction, and a little bit of joy each time until eventually… one day… there will be none left for you. My ex nearly broke my spirit and I’m a young girl who was only with him for about 3 years. The loss of joy is very real, and it’s been a hard road of recovery but I’m doing better. It ultimately was not worth the stay. You do not need to prove to anyone that you’re good by helping him, and you most certainly don’t owe him anything. Please take it from me- someone who lost so much including most of her own family to narcissism- even though you CAN it’s not always best that you DO give of yourself. Choose your battles wisely. And please- Get out while you can. Stay safe 🙏🏼
I just have to say it....you're intros always make me laugh I can't help it. you're a funny guy doc...and amid the myriad of other more poignant things I should say about your accomplishments in the pioneering of most of today's narc verbage and of course being the premire authority on almost EVERYTHING psychology....etc....etc....your humor remains my favorite thing. 😉
Brilliant! Why more NPD now? “Cities are artificial environments”! Now I understand why I became so stressed living in a city, removed from a natural environment! Metaverse = Narcissism factory? Reminds me of Westworld series - Sadistic Narcissistic pseudo metaverse. 😮
Thank you from the bottom of my real heart (3D). This is the most succinct and accurate explanation of the entire dynamic I have experienced. I had observed certain aspects but could not relate them correctly
Great point. Cities are artificial, virtual environments. Let's think for a second about how shops are organised. They elevate our instincts, fantasies and desires with the ultimate goal, purchase.
Dear Sir, Your information is enlightening thank you, however I wish to argue one point.. Moving from a coastal city to a small town, population under 100, I found within 3 months, I had been stolen from, verbally abused, threatened, slandered, and defrauded in a simple fencing contract. By 4 people. Two Mothers and Two Sons. It took me 8 months to find the courage to speak to the police. I know that 3 out of the four, were raised here. With Respect 🙏
@Prof. Vaknin: Why the narcissist devalues and discards his partners throughout his life but keeps an apparently “perfect” relationship with their parents, and tries to please them and help them as much as possible? (If their parents were the main cause of his childhood trauma) Thank you.
This is something I've asked myself multiple times. All narcissists I've dated were extremely submissive and/or overly helpful to their mothers, while it was obvious that the relationship with the mother was very toxic, incestous, merging and unhealthy. Makes you wonder.
Only at the start of the video and I'm crying I'm so grateful. So much appreciation for this knowledge! Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you so very much! I can't wait to hear the rest and probably watch few more times ❤️⚡🧠
Everyone leaves them but they never blame themselves.
What a sick and twisted tornado I lived within for 22 yrs. Its nearly impossible to make sense of being discarded like bags of garbage. Until you come here and listen to Sam. Thank you for making sense of what I suffered. As l look around at the debris field around me, I guess it’s time to start cleaning up.
May God bless each and everyone of us that has dealt with one of these demons.
After 45 miserable years I finally left.i was a shell of who I was when we met. I had every kind of abuse described in your lecture along with everyone described in the comments. But I had taken my vows seriously and i felt it was my lot in life. But then I realized he hadn't meant any of his vows and he wasn't capable of loving anyone but himself. Or should I say not even himself. Yes. We are both 72 years old now and I have been free for 8 years now. He made the mistake of leaving just one tiny crumb of me and I decided I would build on that. Not much left to work with but I was determined to put myself back together and find the much deserved happiness that everyone should have. It was as if I had to bury that shredded piece of rag that I walked around in and take my crumb and start building . It hasn't been easy but after 45 years of the hell he put me through its been a piece of cake. I'm actually happy now and now have a "friend" who treats me like a princess for the last 3 years. I don't I tend to marry again (at my age ? ) it's not necessary. But I know what a real man is now . And I will continue to try to put me back together. I know I can! I havnt spoken to the X since the divorce and don't care to. I'm done with all that.
But ladies PLEASE don't take the best years of your life and waste it on him like I did. Get out while you are as much as you can be now and start building. You can't fix him no matter how much you love him now. And he'll never let you be happy. Trust me. Been there ,done that and walked away with my last shred.
You are a super star loaded with abundant strength. So happy for you.
@Diane Rainey .. aah your story is so common, but I was inspired. I hear happiness and clarity through your words, and that makes me happy : D So glad you got out and are free to be who you are without any abuse. Much love to your continued healing.
Thank you. And you make me know it's never too late to find love again.
I was married to a covert female be sure to remember the horror show they bring
This is a much needed story of hope, thank you for sharing 💞
Narcissist get bored easily. The relationship turns old and stale real quick for them. They need new simulation often. They love to see people in pain. Your Pain is their gain because the pain is about them.
If they don't add positive value to your life, just leave them alone.
Yep, they are so insecure its pathetic.i believe they are the co dependent ones. They are boring themselves.
WoW….now i understand
@@Lotusawj Yes that's what I learned dealing with the Narcissist that I was with 3yrs ago. Please save yourself and your peace and move on from them.
Often told my ex that he made me feel like a blow up doll
Wow! This is just brilliant! It all makes so much sense now. There’s so much I have to say regarding this, but at the same time I’m at a loss for words. Unless someone has experienced narcissistic abuse, they will never understand the damage it does to the victims.
I felt the same, eyes wide open now.
90s and l
@@Bryan-rr5he my friend nvimk
I just experienced it!
The that
How exhausting they are within themselves to operate like that. Constant trying to devalue and devour another human being to feel a glimpse of life.
Agree. What an awful pitiful life they lead. Very malignant
I noticed about a week after being married I became his enemy and had to defend myself against him all the time. He was in competition with me and I had no idea what I had done. I thought we were supposed to be connected as one. Its wasnt that way at all it was me against him. There was nothing I could do to make him treat me well. He treated me like I was the best thing that ever happened to him until I signed the marriage certificate then I was his worst enemy. He treats me according to the scenarios he makes up in his mind. I felt as if I was going crazy and he told me i was crazy when i got upset.
Same thing happened to me. Years of crazy making ups and downs. 48 years latter I’m learning I was the sane one and he was crazy. What Sam is saying is true. Get out while you can. It only gets worse and possibly financially ruin your retirement like mine did to me.
I am so sorry. Bait and switch.
30 yrs for me.
Get out while no kids.
He will just get worse. Believe Sam.
Save your sanity.
Grieve the relationship. Don't grieve him.
You can't love him well.
Its just really sad xxx
I'm so happy you've escaped. ❤
Same with me - but happened a week after the child was born.
18 yrs l put up with his drug habit, he hardly worked his mother was mad, he married me to look after him .
I'm done walked away 3 yrs ago , he kept my belonging and helped himself to the joint bank account.
Unbelievable.. Glad to be alone..
Oddly comforting to realize there was nothing I could have done differently.
"NEVERMIND what you do...
NEVERMIND what you say."
Like a refrigerator or an iron..
that's right. it truly is a psychological sickness. a fundamental organic cellular dysfunction and disregulation.
not your fault
not your problem.
I grew up in a remote farming community in Wales and I had never met a narcissist. I had no idea psychopathic individuals existed. No one narcissistic would have been created in such a place nor tolerated for long. Those who did not belong were pushed out like splinters. Once I moved to more urban areas I became to encounter narcissists and had relationships with them, much to my detriment.
I was from a small rural community and I had the same experience. Perhaps they hide in urban areas.
My family is originally from the countryside and I can assure you that a lot of the narcissism a lot of the rural families have, before they became urbanites, was passed down from farmer fathers parentifying their children to prepare them for the harsh living conditions, including girls assuming male roles in the farmland and in the family unit in patriarchal households. My narcissistic boss on the other hand comes from an affluent urban family from a city notorious for its narcissistic social culture. I guess narcissism is an adaptive and pervasive phenomenon that can thrive in any milieu as long as it finds the necessary human conditions, be it in the countryside or in the city.
I love your splinter reference!! They are a fecker to get out and leave a reminding pain. Epsom salts+sudo cream heals the plant variety with a little time.👍
My first experience with a Narc was 2 years ago Suddenly attracted one lol. Disturbing experience. Fake, fake and fake nice. They're predators, cowards, compulsive liars, mentally abuse people, control and manipulation tactics. Gut feeling screamed get away from that thing. Dumped it, no contact and Narc free. Don't care what it's doing, I'm living and loving life. Lesson learned can detect one instantly now.
@@IndranisKitchen when it comes to playing mind games and fuckery. You'll be surprised at how low most will go to win at nonsense. Depending on the situation, givinh
Yes. I noticed that the only emotional intimacy he offered was when he was showing up as a little boy. I naturally mothered him. Finally saw a Narcissistic Rage when I “didn’t meet his basic needs” by “allowing HIS lips to crack without chapstick.” Turns out, I have an unresolved anxious pre-occupied attachment style and my own father issues. A perfect match. I craved and showed up to any intimacy I could get & then he’d withhold. Trauma bond had me in its grip. Lucky that my degree in Psychology gave me enough info to recognize & research what was happening in the first week and yet, my intellectual curiosity & the biological changes in my brain and body had me stay 4 months. We hit every Freudian marker in our brief time together. I have been working on resolving my own developmental trauma and self care. Walking, guided meditation to learn to be present with my body and my breath, emotional regulation techniques, deep sleep, EMDR, whole food nourishment, studying “self-abandonment,” and a resolve to let others walk their own path at their own pace are helping me integrate the trauma among many other remedies and new insights. If it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. That trauma bond biochemical shift is REAL. Learning to love myself and not abandon myself or my adaptive inner child. You are not alone. 🤗
what would you recommend to look into to help with the anxious attachment style in order to understand better and figure out to navigate?
@@sandiealdridge4765Go to therapy. You’re never going to heal an attachment wound alone. Changing insecure attachments is rare. I’m a therapist btw. I work with attachment and relational trauma.
The "abyss of the narcissist mind" that's a good one. They dont have any moral scruples or empathy when they can devalue and discard the person who is caring for them and who loves them.
Some day, when we have studied narcissism enough, I think it’s important to let go of the need for knowledge of the narcissist and the abuse that happened. We keep them alive inside our mind if we proceed to study them and not “just” accept ‘the defeat’.
Thank you for all your lectures.
Part of "accepting defeat" is learning you were abused in the first place, which requires knowledge and education.
Totally agree with this!
Yes but until you find THIS INFORMATION you remain a victim. This guy has opened my eyes and answered my questions I've searched for years to find answers to! He actually knows what he's talking about and makes it all make complete sense. I am so grateful to have seen this video. My narc info search can now be complete!! Amen!
Agree. After it is established there was abuse etc there’s no need to years later keep ruminating over the narcissist.
@Aneesa Dawood oh I agree but I just know mentally it’s not healthy. But I get it trust me 🙏🏾
To the lady who spent 45 yrs with the Narcissist husband....my heart goes out to you. We share ALOT in common.
I too was married to a Narcissist for 45 yrs. I took my vows seriously also....but he did not. God was good to me. He died in 2022 from a social disease...HPV....CANCER. GOD IS GOOD!
TAKE CARE OF YOU...GOD BLESS....LIVE A GOOD LIFE NOW AS I AM.
Me too. Iam married to a NPD with cancer. 12 years of married. Now he dating his nurses. 2 that I know now. Since we have two properties. I decided to fly back home here in Spain and he stays in Kent in his flat where I discover his second nurse affair. Now I don't know to divorce him without annomosity.
It's unethical to date patient , against code of conduct.
11 years with a diagnosed NPD ex, this is clear. The relationship with his mother was exactly as you described. He was always trying to recreate that relationship. At some of his vulnerable moments, he would admit the abuse he suffered as a child at the hand of his mother. I never connected the dots until years later, after learning about narcissism. This is 100% accurate.
The resentment he had toward his mother was projected on to every single woman he dated since high school!
How did he say his mother treated him?
These are truly fucked up people
They always have a problem with their mothers. Always. And the father is absent in some way (alcoholic, abuser, entirely missing - physically or emotionally)
Agreed girls.
Omg my mil came back and treats him like a baby! Now she treats him like her husband and he treats her like his wife!
The problem with the devaluation and discard is that it doesn't work from the Narcissist long. That is why they have to keep chasing more and more supply. In doing so, they keep having to returning to same mommy over and over even after he discards her. Therefore he has a love hate relationship with her.
Great video. Kind of an identification with the aggressor. Projecting mother onto objects and then taking revenge on them and treating them exactly how they were treated as children. Devalued and abused and abandoned
Being discarded like this isbthe hardest i ever passed tru. I will never be the same person again.
As a victim of a 7 year narcissistic friendship, that I cannot seem to end, your videos terrify me. The fantasy world of my relationship with him is so powerful and takes me away from my reality. I have a great life: a good marriage, great kids, a great career, a beautiful house, friends and hobbies YET when he comes around I totally lose sight of everything but HIM and it terrifies me! How he gets inside my head and consumes me when I have so many good things in my life.
Why do I allow him to allow me into his fantasy world?
Your videos scare me as everything you discuss has happened to me, continues to happen to me and I continue to speak with this man. We are not sexual but remote co- workers., yet his name and his voice are beyond powerful and create an escape for me causing severe anxiety and depression. He is an intellectual covert narc who loves to talk!
Narcissism is Terrifying and I can’t seem to escape. It’s addictive and I am stuck in the cycle seeking Freedom.
Sam - thank you for all the insight and growth of my vocabulary.
I feel you. What I am realizing is that I need to focus on my own minds mechanics. Just like Sam is dicing the narcissist mind, what makes me want to get in the fantasy world? What makes you get inside the fantasy world and sign a psychological contract with this person? For me, I do see reality but how I process reality is the issue. So is it that you twist the reality or process reality differently?
First, you are spot on about our involvement - May I thank you Sam, for your brilliant and insightful work! I am a beneficiary of a narcissist in more ways than one! how? I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 6 years. After the first year, and after a particularly verbally abusive outburst from him, I had an epiphany! He so completely and emotionally broke me that he actually helped me to really find myself. I was in a bad place when we met and needed love and compassion. Once he broke me, I began to recover, I learnt about myself, went to therapy and started working on myself. Eventually on a day I decided to disagree with him, he physically attacked me - I went to the police and he was arrested. That was 8 months ago, and my therapy continues, his abuse actually opened my eyes to myself and I have grown stronger and become a new independent self… with strong boundaries!
I was way older than my Narc. He convinced me totally he wanted to marry me and it never happened. It exploded last month when I said no to no more money. I first time seen his Rage and he turned into someone I never seen it coming at all. He targeted me from the very beginning and manipulated me to the core. I never had it ever happen to me like this. I’m devastated and in pain. Thank you for explaining it.
Never in my 32 years of life have I ever seen or listened to a professional go as deep into the psyche. Last night I watched the video you posted about the Narcissist and Borderline relationship. I have BPD. My boyfriend is a covert narc. Exhusband is an actual diagnosed grandiose Narcissist.
You simply blow my mind.
@Prof. Lunay Costa ?
@Prof. Lunay Costa While I do not fully understand your comment please do not invalidate, shame or make light of other people's experiences. If you do not fully understand the subject then researching will do you a lot of help. Have a blessed evening.
I feel like I should get a degree after listening to enough of your videos. This really helped me understand its not me. Thank you!!
Lol. Same. After countless hours over the past year, I feel extremely knowledgeable on narcissism
@@felixoupopote I totally agree that it is about the often overly empathetic people as well, because not everyone ends up entangled with highly narcissistic individuals. 🙁
@@felixoupopote They target empaths cos they have no empathy or compassion themselves. They like to dominate and torture sensitive peeps, cause pain and stress. It's not me ITS THEM. Walk in light and love💜
@@felixoupopote come dependency
@@felixoupopote Predators will always find prey, it's survival instincts. Now we're smarter...🤞
You've described my situation perfectly. My question is why one discard isn't enough to bring about the desired result. It seems to be a never-ending cycle of the discarding of a "mother figure" which, although giving the narcissist temporary control over a "stand-in" for his mother, has not brought about separation from his own, actual mother. Or something to that effect.
I just realized something myself, which relates. ( Pun unintended).
My dad was a serial wife beater, till she died of old age. When he was 9, his father died a prisoner of the Gestapo. He then had to become a street fighter to feed his siblings. One day he discovered his mom was donating his money to the church.
In his bouts of anger, and beatings, he kept reminding us his mom was a "nincompoop". Since my mom died, he changed, and became a wonderful friend. However in time, l found myself to be vilified by him, despite doing so many things in his garden during lockdown, where l was stuck with him. The gaslighting, lies and name- callings resumed. Leopards NEVER change their spots.
Look into repetition compulsion.
I was hurt at first from narcissist but this is disgusting and I feel free
Thank you. Makes so much sense, it's exactly this way. Spot on! Complete neglect after the initial period of "normal relationship". Sadly, there are "friends" who kept asking me "what did you do to make him neglect and abandon you?" "It takes two to tango". Ive left such "friends" behind, much to the narcissist's delight. Duper's Delight. The craziness is incomprehensible, but I'm the one who "looks crazy" describing a crazy relationship.
Those who have experienced it believe you
This the absolute worst of it all, if you haven’t experienced narcissistic abuse yourself no one can understand it. It’s almost like you HAVE to isolate to protect yourself from the slightest negative opinion of others because you already have your brain hijacked by the narc. If it’s not positive and uplifting to MY SPIRIT I absolutely can not hear it. Especially considering the fact that most of us who fall victim to this are extremely understanding, extremely empathetic, always considering what the person is going through. And sadly when your not with someone who pours back into you in this way but does the complete opposite. It’s inevitable that your reality, your feelings, your thoughts get neglected.It’s such a lonely battle.
I have had so many theories about this from my own experiences, and have heavily wondered if narcissists primary supply and main supply were motherly figures that created a dynamic where they could reenact their childhood and either humiliate the person in the parentified role as a form of displacement or to act out trying to create the attachment that will create a safe place for them to explore the world similarly as a child would. I’ve also wondered if outside supply (like that of a mistress) is their way of enacting on their buried fantasies that involve that of what they believe society has deemed “bad”, or extra partners that are along the lines of what a teenager would seek out. When I’ve met and seen narcissists in action, the main supply tends to seem motherly/fatherly, and the mistresses histrionic, borderline, antisocial, and grandiose, which feeds into their fantasies of power and grandiosity, especially if they’re histrionic, which those partners are just another sign of their underdevelopment. Mainly this seems to be the case because now one of their partners is almost just as special as themselves (obviously not quite), but their partners histrionic tendencies draws a lot of attention and they not only have a “trophy” side piece that they believe everyone wants, but they get to degrade that trophy to being just a side piece, feeding into their belief that they are the most desirable and everyone insatiably wants them, because to them, even the one person who seems to be desired by all their competitors will settle for crumbs and the bare minimum just to get a minute of their time.
love your views, especially noting that the narcs primary supplies in my case was always from the "light" kind, responsible abd stable women with oodles of unconditional love and his extra supply was always from the "dark" drug addict, sexually exploitable and very unstable. Poles apart.
WOW! This was seriously profound. I love how you talked about our disconnection from nature and how that contributes to narcissism. There is a documentary called "Ancient Futures" that covers this in a way. It follows this indigenous culture through a process of urbanization and monetization and they actually captured on the film how it destroys them culturally. Where there was once abundance and joy, connection, cohesion and high quality of life, it becomes a mirror of our Western culture with narcissism, depression, poverty, suicide, and crime. I HIGHLY recommend watching it for anyone who is interested in these ideas!
Thank you. I've been hunting for a good documentary. This idea of Narcissism being linked to urbanization and technology is both fascinating and horrifying to me
........ yes, it's very scary isn't it.
This was brilliant and extremely insightful. This video saved me this morning and I believe was an answer to my prayer. I've been ruminating and blaming myself for being devalued and discarded. He is the voice in my head and it's confusing and hurtful. This gave me so much clarity. I'm going to follow you and get as much knowledge and self help as possible. Thank you 😊💜
Jennifer, it takes time but it gets easier. I don’t hear mine anymore, and many days I don’t even think about him. Good luck.
Thank you so much !! You have explained so much why my ex acted the way he did . The counsellor told him and me that’s he’s a narcissist but of course he couldn’t accept that and the trauma bond was strong .
I’m now out of it and so much happier with my life . I can live in peace now
Kudos to the therapist that recognized the narc.
I have to say after 28 years experience this makes sense, there’s no denying it.
Wow finally after watching a million of these videos I finally understand what is going on behind all of this behavior.
This is the most insightful thing I've ever heard on the topic. It really does explain everything! My last relationship was with a man 12 years younger with self described "mommy issues."
Devalue and discard were blatant and clear.
Same as me!
Me also !
Same here. His mom was 4 years older than me. He would even mentioned how we wore some similar clothes
I was 10 years older and now he went with someone 15 years younger and he actually said she reminds him of his mother 😵💫
A more mature, less narcissistic person might say they had 'attachment issues' instead of 'mommy issues'
It took me more than a year to find an answer to what was wrong with me, thank you so much for the information you sharing, professor. I cared, loved, gave him all myself and he discarded me after 14 years. The awful part is he did it through the third person. He couldn’t say anything to my face, continued like nothing going wrong still loving me, until I received the message from his mistress that he doesn’t love us and staying with me just because of child, he has been bringing her to our family home while we aren’t there. What a coward people are out there. Please take care of yourselves, personally took it as a motivation to be a stronger person, pursue my goals 💫
It's my parents who have devalued me. It is an EXCELLENT way of disguising their shortcomings. eg, it's not that they had no empathy, it's that I was sensitive. It's not that they have no communication skills, it's that I was entitled having the expectation that we might have a conversation. It's not that they refused point blank to hear me, it's that I was aggressive not bowing down to their stonewalling. It just goes on and on and on . They're perfect, all they want from me is that I breath in and out quietly, absorbing all the blame. And now my 17 year old son hates me and one of the things he has provided as a reason for believing that I'm a bitch is ''even your parents hate you''. I just refuse to be the trash can for my families shortcomings and anger. Nobody treats me worse than my family. I've been friends with people from school for 30 years and we have good friendships. My family treat me like I'm crazy and sensitive and angry and apparently a b i t c h. I said ''why am I a bitch?''. No answer. I just am. I should just accept it. No. I need to stop trying.
The individuation via discard is apparent and profound related to relationship with mother.
It indeed parallels and supports my experience with the narcissist and more so the etiology of the phenomena as it relates to its origins of past maternal relationship. If only it were as clear to the perpetrators.
He discarded me and replaced me with his adult daughter. She didn't grow up with him. He idealized and love bombs her. It is just bizarre. I have to wonder if he will discard her. He discarded his mother so I assume so.
I dated a person who did this to me through their daughter. Isolated ,triangle the 3 of us and of course the daughter was sickened by this parent and you could see the power play towards me . Thx no thx -it’s absolutely horrific and abusive like nothing I’ve never seen before. All the best -don’t ever go back .
@@jasonyork9642 ,I understand. I'd never go back to such a messed up person. He ceased to exist for me. He's nothing.
I must add - the last few years have been a paradise for a Narcissist
Its a great type of a character to keep up in a work environment where you ( nowadays) need to be portrayed as a strong individual by being selfish, emotionless, cold and extremely competitive
I can clearly see the difference
Being born and raised in a stable as such society, small town, everything being on time, kids raised with the same values etc ….
Leaving that safe environment, moving across seas and working for big companies- learnt a lot.
I choose to be myself
I choose to stay away from the rat race
I choose to not join the social media and i don’t follow anyone
I choose to ( unfortunately sometimes ) hide in my beach based town away from the city to recover mentally and stay away from noise and anger
I can clearly see in the younger population who was brought up differently to us 40 yrs ago, they are a totally new breed already.
My child will be different again to them and especially to me
Narcissism is hugely celebrated nowadays
Mistaken for strength
Wanted and chased
All the lovely descent values that were in-printed to me as a child are almost no longer respected and needed
I happen to be a sensitive soul with a sharp side ( yeah i can bite when needed ) - and its tough i must say
Finding a tribe of people who are kind - its becoming a rare possibility
I am very confused as such as on one hand i wanna be out there and get to know so much more and on the other I’m exhausted from constantly protecting myself from the weirdness out there
My normal is no longer my old society normal anymore if it makes sense to you guys
I do find it challenging as a woman, new mother, etc nowadays to fit in anywhere new
@@jenifernadeau I love u already. Wish we lived close to each other - you sound like a beautiful soul.💕
@Into the unknown ... Wholy cow. You speak my language. I feel the same way about society and the new generation not having the same values I do. I keep going and try to bring kindness wherever I go even if it's not welcome. : D
He is still very connected to his mother. She spoiled him rotten and he is now taking care of her in her old age with dementia. She doesn't want him with me or anyone else.
My X mummy's boy has him back always dangled the $$$ control , what did he do to me.. l was the servant, worker house cleaner mother to him and child .. he come from a rich family ... the Volcher awaits inheritance... lm in AUS left 3 yrs ago.
I have watch in great agony as my daughter is enduring all this from her spouse. She is indeed like a puppet striking out at her own family members at his whim while he hides out in the shadows smirking triumphantly.
Hindsight is truly 20/20. I have a daughter in the same situation - selected then groomed by his family. Now the gap between her and her family grows, and my grandchildren are facing the same destructive future.
Ah, Sam, the Adjective King! I love how you explain with multiple adjectives. Makes everything so clear. Thank you.
Thank you. You have perfectly described exactly how I have been treated by a malicious malignant narcissist. Incredible insight - especially destructively taking over the inner critic. Devalued and stripped out, questioning my own reality. Victim of lies and smear campaign. Very very helpful, I'm recovering now.
Thank you for posting this video, and it is giving me a MASSIVE insight.
He's explaining how the narcissistic person creates a puppet relationship with the person who is codependent with them, in order to re-enact childhood enmeshment and lack of boundaries with the mother / parent / caregiver.
And how that person externalizes all of their sense of self outside of themselves, and hands over their sense of authority, their sense of decision making, their sense of self and confidence, externally onto the narcissist.
Basically, what he describes as "hollowing out" of the interior of the inner self of the enmeshed person, and in doing so, that person becomes completely reliant on the external person - the narcissist - for validation, for self-reflection. Because they completely lack an inner self. Because they have been turned into a puppet to reflect the narcissist back to themselves, so that they feel superior and in control.
This completely validates everything I have come to realize over the last year, and the reason why a narcissistic person does this is because they too lack an inner self and they require attention and validation from others, from the external, in order to feel that they exist in the world. They are empty of an inner self and have to suck on other people in order to be validated.
But the big insight is that this whole setup is due to the complex of factors from one's childhood, because as a child, you build your self-identity based on your caregiver, based on your parent / mother. For me specifically, it took YEARS to separate my actual inner self identity from my mother. It took years to differentiate between what is my authentic self, and what is hers.
Because I inherited unresolved intergenerational trauma that was passed down to me from my mother and my mother's epigenetic family lineage, and I took those traumas into myself and made those traumas my own, I therefore have spent the rest of my adult life trying to differentiate between what is mine and what is hers. Coming to the point of inner authenticity is a big job, because we have allowed ourselves to be hollowed out and replace ourselves with our inherited trauma.
Wow, very interesting. I worked with another therapist years ago that talked about past trauma we carry in our DNA from our ancestors. We don't know our lineage from 3 or more generations back. I recently had a healing session called chord removal. Some First Nation Indiginous People recognize and work with this. Fascinating to me, in this life school.🌞🌱
Learning about NPD in scientific, technical terms is so much better than consuming the doom and gloom, spiritual warfare takes on narcissism. And is less triggering.
I had this situation with my ex who cheated on me, then discarded me... After a committed relationship... She had this very weird connection with her mother who passed on 9 years ago... And this video made complete sense... In a way, she made me a surrogate mother and then dumped me to obtain her separation-individuation.
Wow, if i had this years ago, i could have avoided so much pain
Thank you for all you do!!! I have been free from my narc since 2015 (ex-parter) … I thought It was me but I knew something was off. I started researching Narcissistic abuse AFTER I left him and was so validated! We need this platform out there because women tend to blame themselves. I am sure woman who are narcissistic have many victims including their poor children. My sister emasculates her son.
I almost died because of one. It's a bad nightmare
@@hardywatkins7737 Yeah both of my sister sons have drug problems her eldest died two years ago from a fentanyl overdose
OMG ~ once again to the point ~ insightful ~ appreciate all your sharing and understanding, it allows for Rapid Healing and is validating.
Brilliant paradigm! And the minute you step out of the role assigned to you by getting sick, or drawing a boundary or acting out of character like being a real person with your own opinions and values, then BAM! The sky falls down and the shite hits the fan. You are left reeling, what the hell just happened? Right? This is true with both overt and covert narcs. So folks, be yourself from the start, dont be the mirror, the “good fit”
Stop fawning and being a people pleaser. Don't pretend to have their values if you don't naturally possess them. That's the fastest way these creeps will reel you in for destruction. Be bold and assert yourself from the very beginning.
I've long known I would not have been the only victim but it is so validating to realise a perpetrator would do this to a bot too.
Thankyou for this , most helpful information for my healing. My ex narc stole my mind , gonna take a long time for me to be me again , I thought I could save him but it was doomed from the start. I really appreciate your videos, I read your book everyday ,good to have you back on here . 😊
Check out coach Corey Wayne’s book 3% man
Ok, if he needs to separate from a partner (emotionally and physically) as he would do it to his mother as a child but never managed to, so called 'an unfinished gestalt' , logically he finally closes this gestalt. But why does he continue to find another victim and to repeat the same over and over again?
Time doesn't exist in the unconscious
This explains a lot! Thank you, Professor Vaknin!
Not only did the family narc fulfill leaving his completely submissive partner (surrogate mother), but he left, being in full control. He died of his own free will, of liver disease he could have prevented by not drinking. He was in total control of his life, and drank up until the day he was put on a ventilator which ended in his death. She was simply a vehicle to gain what he needed. It got ugly toward the end, but she nursed him, remaining in denial.
Now she is left hurting, head spinning, wondering why he wouldn't save himself to stay with her -because he said he loved her so much...She can't fathom what he was and I can't explain it to her. She would never believe me, and it would destroy her.
@@hardywatkins7737 thank you for that. He was irrational for a while, but refused any help. Probably embarrassed but could NEVER admit it, no less, look at the things that I know pained him. Whenever I'd try to open that door, he'd dismiss it and change the subject.
And, I know he hated himself. Such a sad thing, because he had so much potential...smdh😞
@@magicmoonmedicine this is so familiar to me
Thank you Dr. Vaknin for sharing your understanding of this subject.
I chuckled when I thought about how the narcissist that was in my life was so hell-bent on instant gratification in all ways that he mocked me when I purchased a bag of pistachios still in their shell. This was something that he educated me on that why would he take the pistachio out of the shell when they can be bought pre-shelled.
I very much appreciate you explaining the correlation of the individuation and separation phase of a child from his mother to the devaluation and discard phase of the "relationship" that I was in. This makes all the sense in the world as the expression goes. I was only an introject and my objective existence was not part of his programming or plan. I was substituted by an avatar.
Professor Vaknin ! Wow just Wow! I feel as though i have been a case study within Narcissism. Been the victim ( no longer) for over 3 decades. Married to a Grandiose Narc, his Mother a Covert Narcissist - playing the Only Adult role amongst these people. Raising kids - in the middle of these adult toddlers. I was a stay at home mom, i worked a small amount outside the home at first but then it became possible for full time. The human amount of Energy i wasted on these people Energizes me to go forth with 100 % no more mrs. nice girl. I spent the whole time analyzing why these two felt they could play evil tug of war over everything. What you said Was So Amazing to me about City Life versus Rural! My parents grew up rurally and understood the value of labor ( this is not to criticize anyone outside my personal journey). I then was raised with a Family business and other labor projects my Dad took on. It was totally expected that i as a female chip in, when i was 16 I started other jobs outside the Family etc. My husbands Grandparents were at the ages to participate in WWII. Then when they raised my MIL they taught her the value of hard work, but nothing too much. She being a Covert Narc, who was told she was Perfect while her only sister was belittled with a nickname that portrayed her as being overweight ( we saw all the old pictures and the only thing she had was more pronounced cheeks - not at all overweight). I understand that now, would be like Golden Child and Scapegoat…the Perfect MIL (Ha Ha Ha). She decided her only son would only play constantly, maybe pick up his very organized toys - which she would also sell off yearly without his knowing just to decrease items in the home ( and I know also to be popular with the people she would sell them to for one quarter - yes 25 cents for a whole bucket full). It was a Win Win for this admiration monger. Then she would make the Whole year about if you behave good you will receive Big from Santa. Give me a Break! I had like 10 toys my whole time growing up. Imagine her Anger when my husband said we would not be making a big deal of santa - how could she maneuver and buy everyone without this. My MIL and her sister went on to have good jobs and full careers - but did not pass on the values to their children…more pampered and coddled. They were more city folk and even thought nursing children was Wrong, embarrassing, and not civilized - So as I nursed all of my children ( modestly) another reason to disvalue me. When my first child was just about five - as we ourselves were figuring out our next steps as parents - my MIL says surely then you will go back to work. Who did she assume should raise my child? Disgusting. She comes across as demure…Such a False disguise as she is a Covert Narc. I do not believe inlaws need to disagree and be distant and unloving. So I actually was always trying to be kind and inclusive and respectful - thinking if she sees good things she will seem more accepting and less behind the scenes judgemental - So often these criticisms - tug of wars were between them, over phone conversations etc. Now that I AM UNDERSTANDING more fully - I LOOK BACK with new Clarity. , my MIL says she taught by example….Ha! She three decades later still declares that. She has always devalued her son - at the same time ACTING demure and wanting Everyone to sing her praises. All because he did not chose the career path she wanted him to and did not learn by her example. All the while Exactly as you said expecting me to act as mommy - doing everything. I have always kind of concluded the difference from Country to City Life was also the fact that in the Country you have enough of your own business to mind - where some in the city ( my MIL) everything was easier. Again this is no unkind thoughts to the city life - just different and for some individuals not productive.
Just ‘Wow!’ Thank you Prof Sam, you have clarified so much in this video. Important understandings. The last section was unexpected - Metaverse, agriculture, urbanism, nature etc etc had me totally absorbed. I live in rural countryside and am mostly self sufficient for food,, so everything you say makes so much sense and resonates with me. Thank you!
This was the most thought provoking and powerful statement I have ever heard on this subject. It puts it in a totally different context than I have ever heard and it’s like the pieces of the puzzle come together. The new frontier of the meta verse, web3, represents a very frightening view of what is to come as well. This gives new meaning to getting back to nature. The absolute dire need to cultivate the sense of nature within yourself and the life you create for yourself and the people you surround yourself with as well and also, the need to maybe limit the sphere of people in your life in order to preserve this calmer and more mature sense of nature within ourselves.
I have thought this was at the root of my experience with a Narcissist. Thank you for confirming it for me.
This is life changing for me I have had been devalued and discarded and did not understand how someone so in love can wake up one morning after loving me the night before and switch off totally for 2 years and I suffered so much became unwell and then he left for a multi billionaire and still stays in contact…. I now know it’s not me
When I corrected him about his behaviour he sometimes took it well (not always) and reacted like a chastened child and seemed happy about it.
How did you correct his behavior? Like a child? Or?
@@ru.m.6119 I had to address his behaviour towards me. He seemed pleased when I told him off. It was just as Sam said, regarding 'wanting' this discipline. Then the discard happened.
Do u told him this is artistic traits?
So the discard happened anyways !
@@eunice6694 Your correction or confrontation, is part of the supply he gets off on. It’s diabolical.
This was exceptional!
I especially loved the end where you explained nature's healthy influence on psychological maturity. I have never considered that. It was so thought provoking. It caused me to re-evaluate my responsibility. 29:21
Hence the big drive now, certainly apparent in the UK, to get young children in touch with nature, the outdoors and physical play in their early years; forest schools, etc.
P.I.E.S.: physical, intellectual (cognitive), emotional and social --early childhood development through structured play.
If I need to choose just one video presentation of Prof. Vaknin, out of all he created, this would the most valuable and dear to me. I grew up on a farm in small community in the European country devastated by the WWII. In pursuit of education I moved to city of about 800 K population. The starry nights were ruined by the city's brutal lights. I missed the stars. For personal reason, I moved to the Metropolitan Area of Washington DC....observed and painfully experienced the disconnection between people, but especially indifference toward homeless, most of them mentally ill.
he cracks me up! love the humor he uses that accompanies his level of seriousness that this subject demands.
Thank you for sharing your knowledge with the world, Professor Vaknin, it certainly keeps me in reality.
It's so true. For eg. In India metropolitan cities like Delhi and Mumbai are considered highly narcissistic contrary to tier 2 or 3 cities. If you go to a village and ask for food they much more likely to invite you to have lunch or dinner with them in their humble abode. In cities we all know how it's gonna end up. If this is the case with a conservative and highly social country like India I can only imagine the environment in New York or London.
Thank you. Powerful, thought provoking message. Especially the premise of human conduct, culture, and maturity.
This is sheer brilliance.
And when, as a 50 year old Manchild, he discards and separates from you (his surrogate Mommy) he runs back to his biologic Mommy, now elderly but no less needed and all consuming. This woman who abused and broke him in the first place. And if you ever try to show recognition or support for them in regards to the fact that the parents are unkind or treat him poorly, he will panic, become defensive and exclaim, in a panic, that his parents love and adore him. You are wrong. 🤯ugh!!!
This is exactly my situation x
@@glamgodess9643 you are exactly right. It’s like a hold this person willingly gives their abuser. I think it is so familiar to my ex and your niece that they feel empty without it. It truly is like the child that runs to the abusive parent for fear they will be angry later if they don’t. It’s a sick control game they call, “Love”. No wonder intimate partners don’t stand a chance later in life. Be well.
I follow ALL of these video's (thanks for what you do)...Covert in my life...THIS is probably the BEST "explanation" that my mind can grasp (in the area of not blaming oneself) over the CONSTANT (honestly its like having a fourth kid)..games, disloyalty (which you don't even "realize" until your too deep in).. and lies and deceit that get orchestrated over decades by these sneaky folks. Lucky we have people like you to help us hold up the sword of "truth" (and under standing)...
MINDBLOWING!!! So obvious what you are sharing! Really Sam , you have given me insights about what happened and also made many lights go on for me. With some people we just need to see the cycle that is happening. Also i ave been learning more about what i have done, made myself doubt myself. Something in us, always knows what is true or not. We just need to LISTEN.
Thank you so much Sam for explaining this…. Educating people of narcissistic abuse.❤
Wow ,brilliant video. Explains so much things that I was asking myself about my situation with my soon to be ex husband.
Yes,only someone lived with narcissist can understand the meaning of what the professor said.
Thank you prof Vaknin
Thank you as always Prof. Sam Vaknin! So I understand so much more about the narcissist and their journey. How does the "victim " or "puppet" get the narcissist's voice out of their head as their "inner critic"? I have all of my 58 years of my mother, 18 of my husband and 9 of a boyfriend, constantly inside as my inner critics. All 3 of them still in my head, every day, every hour! I have virtually no contact with ex-husband, no contact with boyfriend, and talk with mother every couple days.
Carol, try this exercise once see if it helps. Go out to play golf, one time with a teacher or opponent. When you recriminate after each swing try to identify your own inner voice critic. We all have this, it's nothing to worry about. After a few drinks, at the 19 th hole, you will laugh at the criticism of those other people whether or not you won or lost the game.
Hardy Watkins, professor Sam did address this in a video made shortly after this. Main point was to replace the "narcissist's" voice with your own.
I similarly feel bullied all the time in my mind by certain people but am working on it and trying to be level-headed. I'm hoping I'll get there :)
Love this the comparison of ego and city in contrast to spirit and living in the land
Thank you for this shorter, though concise class on the topic.
The thing is that after watching almost all of your videos on narcissism, and really understanding step by step their modus operandi when introjecting people, I CANNOT get in their shoes...kind of "feel" the way they overlook-confuse the external objects. It feels like a Sci Fi script.
This is freakin wild!! I thought I knew a good amount about narcissism, but this video is blowing my mind 😫🤯
Very deep, culture-wise not just psychology-wise!
First time I heard someone say they were spoiled. His mother was/is very controlling and stubborn. She spoiled him as a child.
This is so on point!! Totally agree with what he said my ex husband only needs his computer to meet all his needs. Didn’t have many friends and didn’t want to hang out with me most of the time. But stayed on the computer all day every day
The story of my life, form the mouth of another.
Aha. This is why...he indeed pressured me into being a substitute mother. Yes, I did not exist as myself. Without ever hearing about narcissism, I felt he was "molding" me into replica of his mother. This was the most painful aspect of my marriage. I am just awaking from 46 years of nightmare. Thank you, Prof. Vaknin.
Wow. This is mind-blowing. I sensed from our very first fight, that he wanted to end the relationship (yet it went on for three years (and it may not be over yet!)). I look forward to seeing this whole video and every other post from this Professor. Thank you for sharing your insights, sir!
@@fooled_twice4668 Yes, yes, yes! I want to say more, but one thing really jumps out as true for my case, like yours: his hate-filled treatment of me symbolized a getting back at his mom (without him realizing it because he idolizes her, gets tears in his eyes, talking about how good and kind she is, but I recognize, from the tears, that it's a pain-filled issue)!
This right here. Of all info I have learned from you. It all make complete sense now. Thank you for this gem of information. This will change my life.
I feel so consoled with my inner instincts pushing me to choose living in the contryside, leaving this artificial social ladder behind; I feel no longer socially misfit, now I have the evidence I am far smarter with my desire for preserves making. Remaining a slight narcissist tho. Thank You Sam :D :D
I think this is the best explanation of the creation of a narcissistic personality I ever heard not only on the internet, thank you Prof Vaknin! One question though - why mother? Does the father play any role in this process?
Mother.
Is it possible that the narcissist is love booming and discarding you every week without actually physically leaving you??? My psycho partner is repeating this kind of actions every week. Each time I act/ say or look different than his inner avatar of me he’s telling me that I caused his anger and he’s punishing me with silence treatment or devaluation and a threat of ending‘relationship’ or using other things like money to threat me. He very often says that one day I’ll learn how to behave. He thinks he is above everyone. He can do or say whatever. As someone said he’s good at giving but not taking criticisms etc. It’s all very devastating and exhausting.
Yes, it is possible and it is happening to you as we speak. You need to leave peacefully and quietly because it is the only safe way, and you need to be firm and stay strong in your decision to leave. Only leave when you are ready. Meanwhile try to learn some techniques how to survive them before you can leave. This can get very dangerous quick so please be careful. God bless.
Girl we need to talk, I've been going through this for 4 years. I've met his mother, I've experienced him think I'm telling him he doesn't know how to do something when it was his own inner thoughts being projected at me. I've stayed because I am 9 years his senior, and after knowing him and his upbringing I swore I would not abandon him - show him that is not what people who care about another do.. the lovebombing , devaluation, and discard happen on a weekly basis, it is exhausting. I git up the courage to move out after 3 1/2 years of suffering this- he hit ROCK BOTTOM I was his primary. He crashed and destroyed his vehicle, which his mother gave him, got a dui , lost jobs etc... now I went from the victim- persecutor- savior role... I moved back in after a yr... after finding out how he was suffering----- I was doing great--- nope , I was* am trauma bound*... so now after saving him I am a volunteer for the abuse- but I don't take it ... I urge you to read - listen to books on how to be in a relationship with a narc- boarderline . KNOWLEDGE IS POWER... BEAT THEM AT THERE OWN GAME.. some of them are damaged. Aren't cheaters- just really fucked up with mommy issues...
@@suzyqlee hello my friend! I hope you are doing ok. Just want you to know that as sorry as you feel for him, it is not your responsibility to “help” him because you know he needs it. I even feel bad advising you this way, but I am only saying so because I know I was very much in a similar position with my narc ex, only he was my senior. I realized very quickly that when he would rage at me and do bad things on the many occasions they happened, it was always God showing me that I am protected, and that he will get what he deserves. Yes, you absolutely CAN live with a narc, but you will always lose a little bit of peace each interaction, and a little bit of joy each time until eventually… one day… there will be none left for you. My ex nearly broke my spirit and I’m a young girl who was only with him for about 3 years. The loss of joy is very real, and it’s been a hard road of recovery but I’m doing better. It ultimately was not worth the stay. You do not need to prove to anyone that you’re good by helping him, and you most certainly don’t owe him anything. Please take it from me- someone who lost so much including most of her own family to narcissism- even though you CAN it’s not always best that you DO give of yourself. Choose your battles wisely. And please- Get out while you can. Stay safe 🙏🏼
I just have to say it....you're intros always make me laugh I can't help it. you're a funny guy doc...and amid the myriad of other more poignant things I should say about your accomplishments in the pioneering of most of today's narc verbage and of course being the premire authority on almost EVERYTHING psychology....etc....etc....your humor remains my favorite thing. 😉
After two minutes I thought: Wonderful! I Love the clarity.
I did see the rest of it too though. 🤸
Thank you Professor Vaknin for another extremely thoughtful and illuminating reflection on narcissism.
Brilliant! Why more NPD now? “Cities are artificial environments”! Now I understand why I became so stressed living in a city, removed from a natural environment! Metaverse = Narcissism factory? Reminds me of Westworld series - Sadistic Narcissistic pseudo metaverse. 😮
Thank you from the bottom of my real heart (3D). This is the most succinct and accurate explanation of the entire dynamic I have experienced. I had observed certain aspects but could not relate them correctly
Thx for the mind blowing lecture of the rise of Narsissism.
The future does not look bright…
Excellent lecture. Thank you. I learned more listening to this lecture than months of lectures by other lecturers.
I am happy you're still alive.❤
Thank you so much. This was a much needed and very timely reminder that I needed to hear today!
Great point. Cities are artificial, virtual environments. Let's think for a second about how shops are organised. They elevate our instincts, fantasies and desires with the ultimate goal, purchase.
Dear Sir,
Your information is enlightening thank you, however I wish to argue one point..
Moving from a coastal city to a small town, population under 100, I found within 3 months, I had been stolen from, verbally abused, threatened, slandered, and defrauded in a simple fencing contract.
By 4 people. Two Mothers and Two Sons.
It took me 8 months to find the courage to speak to the police.
I know that 3 out of the four, were raised here.
With Respect 🙏
You are spot on and it's horrifying.
@Prof. Vaknin:
Why the narcissist devalues and discards his partners throughout his life but keeps an apparently “perfect” relationship with their parents, and tries to please them and help them as much as possible? (If their parents were the main cause of his childhood trauma)
Thank you.
This is something I've asked myself multiple times. All narcissists I've dated were extremely submissive and/or overly helpful to their mothers, while it was obvious that the relationship with the mother was very toxic, incestous, merging and unhealthy.
Makes you wonder.
They’re still trauma bonded with their parents.
This is brilliant, Sam. Glad I watched this… recommend everyone to!
Only at the start of the video and I'm crying I'm so grateful. So much appreciation for this knowledge! Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you so very much! I can't wait to hear the rest and probably watch few more times ❤️⚡🧠
One of the best narc videos that I have seen! I watch a lot about this personality disorder! Wow! Thank you.
Thank you Prof.Vaknin . This video is an absolute gem!