I agree, the narcissit can make you do things that can go against your very nature, be very uncharacteristic of you. For example, I would beg for affection, and I mean literally on the floor. I didn't instantly drop to the floor, but i got there gradually. I would sob. After calming down, I would feel a flood of shame overwhelm me. Dissapointment and distgust towards myself when I would take a moment outside of the madness and realise what I had done. I didn't know who I had become. I never did these things in my life. Never stooped so low. Stooping low became a regular thing for about just over 2 years and it resulted in my poor self esteem and self image as well as a loss of DIGNITY. I think this is the spot they want you in
Nevee ever allow another person to make u feel so bad. U r worthy of the good things if u believe it u won’t accommodate people like this even for one minute
Don't let a Narcissist Rob you to find yourself true love , stop wasting time on him. Pick up yourself come up screaming for everything you've wanted. So walk away from that Snake it will be the best day of your LIFE!!
My father is a genius narcissist: It took 45 years to escape fully. My mother is still in there, she has ataxia (brain shrinkage) no-one knows the cause. My father once told me (in one of our final conversations) "You can't critize your mother because your mum and I are basically the same person,". My sister supports my father - my sister is a practicing psychologist who once told me, "Don't you see that by you setting boundaries you're hurting the people who love you?" - as you can tell, she is a joke as a psychologist. Black is white, up is down, boundaries are violence. I've met other genius narcissists, there are so many - how can we ever be free of these people?
My narc sister said the same stuff to me: we're basically the same person, ummmm, absolutely not b****! I've had such a hard time getting away from her because she was my mother figure. My mother was emotionally unavailable to put it nicely. Narc also referred to me as her "clone", totally disrespectful. I have gone low contact. I would like to go no contact but I'm not there yet
What was your father genius about? I’ve fallen for a genius narcissist, and it was a special kind of mindfuckery. I can only imagine having to deal with similar madness your entire life from a parent and older sister. May that pressure and this healing journey make you into a diamond of a being.
I'm not sure if there is such thing as a "genius narcissist". I think those are actually psychopaths (not murderous but still capable if it benefits them). Most narcs are actually dumb but the smart ones become "white collar criminals" and all kinds of scammers. They have no problem manipulating and screwing over anybody (even their closest family members) if it benefits them financially. I had/still have many family members of ALL kinds of these narcissist. From the dumbest to the most tricky psychopaths. Being the only normal and truthful person of course i am the "black sheep of the family" ... 😢.....😂
I agree with you. Because the narcissit continously oversteps your boundaries time and time again, you begin to merge and the lines become blurred. In the end you dont know who you are and what you even stand for. Your selfhood is so far gone that you don't remember the last time you felt autonomous. The narcissit dismantles you and rearranges you so the parts don't fit anymore how they used to. You will walk around like a zombie, an empty shell, a person without any substance, aimless, without goal only to be told by your narcissit that you are boring, old, ageing, lifeless, when this is how they rearranged you. This zombie, outer body experience feels very borderline. You may slowly begin to think you have BPD. You will cease to live and merely exist. You will feel the end of your life. After a long time in a narcissitic relationship, you may start to see other changes to yourself. Things that you once you enjoyed you will not enjoy as much. This is more the reason for them to call you boring. At this point you dont know what is real and what is not so you will take on board the narcs criticisms of you and believe them to be real. 'Its true, I have become boring' you will think. This furthers you down the rabbit hole. Now you will feel crap about yourself for becoming boring and wonder if you are even deserving of the narc because he is fun whilst you are boring you will think. You should know that this is the start of the evil spirit getting into your head. He will create these character dichotomy between you and him in ever so subtle ways that will make you believe you are the 'problem.' After chronic narc abuse, I noticed that I my senses, particularly my hearing became very very sensitive. I just liked quiet and low volume music. I just couldn't take loud music and bass anymore. I used to feel overwhelmed in my brain. My heart beat and rhythm became ultra sensitive to bass. A discomfort would sweep over me a I would just want to jump out of my body and just leave it. Noise use to affect me. I was becoming anxious. The narc ofcourse would call me boring and a party pooper etc.
Wow! That's very enlightening and true in my experience. Whilst I was still with the narc I started thinking I was borderline but now realise it was and is cptsd. My IDVA support worker confirmed this too.
Sounds pretty demonic to me The narcissist was a loser from the beginning, red flags everywhere, my fault for giving him a chance. Lesson learned. Done ✅
But you did not do anything wrong. My guess would be that the love-bombing was intoxicating, as it usually is. The love-bombing is everything we needed to hear growing up and they figure that out. They speak into unresolved trauma that responds by glossing over anything that would debunk the narc, because that would mean we'd lose the love-bombing. As a kid, I mentally defended my narc mom even though I knew she was awful. But I had to defend her bc she was the only mom I had and I needed her regardless of how dysfunctional she was. I couldn't just get up and leave her. So I had to defend her in my mind. I think that's why as adults, we who've been narcissistically abused, will overlook red flags. Because there's a part of us that needs the love bombing.
It's not even that It's literally just the fact that someone can treat you so horribly, then dispose of you as if you never even existed. That's the part that gets to me.
So I'm not exactly sure what the alternative to being a victim is. Are you saying the narcicisst wants you to think of yourself as a victim? Is that part of theater play? Not sure how to direct the play?
My ex did that back in 2021, she said she was seeing another guy, then progressevely told me details... Imagine someone you like hurting you and telling she betrayed you. She broke my mind and my happiness for months.
The things I did with him, I have never done before or after him. I didn't realize how much he controlled me. The hardest to recover from is that he had fully absorbed me and that I had ceased to exist before I managed to get away.
I lost my personality, I felt numb and depressed. My narcissistic father broke me first physically and mentally. I’m 30, I realised this year, I told him about all the mistreatment,I opened up my heart to him. Later he told me, I’m jealous and then told my mother that I don’t love him anymore. I’ve never had a girlfriend or a job, I always thought there was something wrong with me. I can’t even hug people, they notice I tense up. They break you and then they play victim. I hate these people
Please take action. I woke up at the age of 30 too. I have worked all my life though and left them losers, but only understood my terrible childhood at this age. Such a waste of years. Try step by step and you can do the work too, don't be too tight on yourself.
You describe the scenario with such accuracy. I felt very small and like I’d been put in the corner. And yes, muted. Kindness and humour were reserved for others while I was the dumping ground for rage and paranoia. A deep sense of loss and betrayal. So confusing and completely devastating to my sense of self, which is taking ever so long to reestablish. What a helpful video, thank you! 🙏
I heard that phrase, "what are you babbling about", often from my ex, he would barely listen to my thoughts or interests. Invisible, unless I revolved around him. To him, I would "never work as hard as he did", even though I worked part time, went to University, and took care of small children. Wouldn't lift a finger to help, unless there was something for him to benefit. He would brag to his friends about me, but at home, I would be " worthless" to him. It is frightfully amazing how much that "family of origin" really applies. Escaping narcissist family to enter another twisted relationship, doomed to fail. Do you really escape until you educate and assert yourself
@@lauravintson7753 they just listen everything to belittle you after. But muted the good parts in you. They amplify your insecurities to play with you later but the good side of you is useless to them.
@@lauravintson7753 I am nowhere near so terrifying to my wife (except sometimes internally, when I was trying to review the seven phases of shared fantasy thing which I tried to hopefully keep all in my mind -- as a person with writing ambitions I might be able to do something so silly) but I like to think if for instance my grandmother hadn't "spoiled" me -- for one year after my mom either committed suicide or for her/my complex of suspected genetic issues died of clumsiness when I was 3 -- as my unfortunately too-unsuitably-educated-by-culture but truly well-meaning stempmother described it, (and along with so many other generous people), I would be so much worse. It's astonishing to imagine my problems and say my father's problems with a bit more narcissism (rags to upper middle class story on movie-level high octane plus an actual dead mother from disease without replacement, that one) in light of how fraught each and every child around us is. Especially frustrating in relation to problems like autism / adhd which I have (from biological mother's side) and which makes me wonder just how many other people might also have.
There is are lessons in something so tragic and painful. One of them is identifying bad behavior and the other is the developing the skill and discipline to remove these people from your life.
NPD persons are a severe danger to someone with BPD. They awaken sociopaths and self destruction in BPD. Your videos on awareness and how to deal is literally saving lives.
The narcissist studies the one with the BPD. He learns where her cuts, bruises and wounds are. In the beginning when she is opening up to him as you would to gain closeness and intimacy in a relationship, he is merely data collecting. After he does the data analysis on her. He forms a conclusion in his mind. Then slowly slowly she realises pieces of data are being used against her. When shit finally hits the fan and the mask completely falls off, he hits her with whatever her biggest weakness was. The end.
Sam I think you're probably one of the most criminally underrated men of today. So many people who are ignorant to this knowledge could be changing their lives for the better. I hope you don't mind but I put a screenshot of one of your videos on my tinder profile in an attempt to get someone to watch it or find someone else who watches your stuff. Thank you for all you do.
I haven’t been able to move forward or heal, and recently realized that I felt that my inner child was raped of her innocence by the narcissist. Hearing this discussion about the narcissist inducing infantilism, it makes so much sense now. This is the first time since the discard in the fall of 2019 that I’ve heard this info. I think it is the missing link. Thank you so, so much.
This bit at 6:24 - 7:35 about self-gaslighting is fascinatingly true. My ex accused me of writing something demeaning (as if quoted) about him in my diary, and when I looked back through every notebook of mine, I never found the specific quote that he accused me of writing about him… he seemed to believe it was actually written, but it never was!
He used to tell me we are the same or we are one. If he was upset me he'd say when will we be the same? I loved him so much. I didn't mind being one with him, if he didn't make me feel like I was unworthy for him. His actions and words over and over made me feel this way. But he'd get mad if I said I'm not good enough for you. Everyone and their mother knew I was too good for him, I knew it too, but the constant thoughts of not being good enough were overwhelming and by the end were my only thoughts. He left and I still have these feelings that I was never good enough for an old alcoholic man. I did things like begging for sex and attention. Sometimes on my hands and knees crying. I never had to beg before. I felt so ugly and unlovable. It honestly felt like when I was a teen and I would argue with my dad over what a loser I was. It was the same feelings, almost the same reactions. Yet, when I looked at him I didn't see a 60 year old man, I saw a little boy who I wanted to love and take care of. If he didn't make me feel so worthless , I would've given myself totally to him.
I’ve been trapped in a horror movie for 32 years, my husband wants to visit me on weekends (because I “remind him of home”), and live in another city with his 2 year transactionship, the young and dumb 36 year old single mother gold digger, that he likes to “hang out” with and “have fun”….that was his explanation of why he left a 32 year marriage “I like hanging out, it’s fun”…and of course, “I don’t know”, “I didn’t mean it”, “it was never my intention “, “I still love you more than anything “….I now wake up with tremendous gratitude for the universe, IM FREE NOW, LET HIM LIVE A LONG TIME(with inoperable pancreatic cancer) and be able to support me for the rest of his miserable life
The narcissist used to belittle me and critisize me ( still does) in front of my son . Now that my son is 20, he s become his fathers' fan or flying monkey although i have a relatively good and warm relationship with him. The problem now is that although the narcissists criticism doesnt bother me anymore, it hurts when i see my son taking his side all the time !
This explains every relationship I’ve ever had with a man, beginning with my father. It explains the moral injury, lack of boundaries, and any sense of personal sovereignty. This is the first time I’ve understood to what degree I’ve supplied the victim, the nightmares, and the screams in this horror movie. It’s time I walked off the set. Thank you.
That has been my experience as well with men in my life. I am not giving up hope to one day having a healthy relationship but I am now not afraid to go it alone either. Much love to you ❤
Ong!!!! This analogy clicked with me. I’m the producer/ director now. Not an actor on theatre. I didn’t know I was on the stage, lights on theatre, there was no audience or director … it was my show. Thank you. 💜
Watching your videos, first I got scared, I am still scared of how fucked up things are, then I thought I was a narc ( I have no idea though) , then I was at awe how this works, now I am in the process of learning and understanding more. I was doing things that i did not even know I was doing. Meditation ..sometimes, Mindfulness, Awareness and now I am constant creating boundaries and looking at my own actions. Though I was reading many books and trying to figure out what's wrong... I never got the answers. Finally the mystery is getting unfolded, slowly I am truly grateful.
Very interesting. Divorced 10 years and to this day the narc won’t let go of me. I treat him with respect as we are co parenting. He messages me a few times a year that I am crazy, a bad parent, started crazy lawsuits against him etc. He is angry because he started the lawsuits and ruined himself financially in the process. He took one child away and is now mad at me because he has to take care of her. He is mad because I hold my own and don’t agree, nor internalize his negative perception of me. You are correct. No matter what I do, how respectful I am. He has created an Avatar of me that is HIS Truth. He is angry because I told him he is entitled to his truth but it doesn’t make it my reality, nor reality at all. Your videos have been incredible helpful to understand their disorder, heal myself and survive coparenting with a malignant narcissist. Ten years done, three more to go. I already scheduled an appointment with myself for Bonfire Day. When the last child turns 18, I’ll burn my legal documents and roast marshmallows.
Thank you for validating the fact that I am not crazy for thinking that my narc dad is controlling, manipulative who I am seeing through right now. You described my childhood and teenage years in this video.
I have gone through this from the start to the end... The result I found a stronger version of myself and am truly grateful regardless of everything I went through . 💎⭐💛👌⭐💎🌻
Thank you Sam for your wisdom as I wake up this morning with my coffee! This is precisely what I am trying to do at this time. Your lectures have provided me the understanding that I so desperately need to move forward and let go of the narcissist. Married 45 years and my narc husband was unexpectedly killed in a helicopter crash. Upon his death, learned he was living 2 separate lives, spending 1/2 the week with another woman and 1/2 with me. Lying to both of us and our daughters for 7 years😳 Lied to my face when questioned! Confabulations beyond belief. He traveled in his work so had the perfect excuse! Who does this? Why? I am learning the why from you, not in my current therapy. So grateful.
An excellent explanation of "self gas lighting." It was so frustrating when they said , "You really don't remember saying that!?!" I was almost doubting my own memory.
Professor Vaknin, your model of a narcissist as a mother figure or parental figure whose dominant voice overrides one's own superego makes perfect sense. Thank you for this important, insightful video.
Me too! It was exactly a puppet show so I was moving by his own wills and he enjoyed that. There was no option for me to choose what I wanted because in the end all cards were in his hands. Therefore I had to play the roles he presented me as available. Then things were so back around me because everyone around me started to treat as if I was unworthy, and troublesome person who had very little value. It was devaluation. I am eliminating this concept by watching those videos so that I never allow any narcissists or people who have the traits of those narcs can come access to my presence. Seriously I am done and I never ever want to go back to the hands of the narc. Therefore it is over and no contact. I am confirming and affirming this every day so that I don't forget what the narc has done to my life. Yes there were lots of love bombs in between so I was hallucinated. Yet those love bombs do not work anymore. It is also I am able to receive other love bombs that are not coming from the narc. IF only I discern the narc and avoid them all the cost.
Wow…my relationship with my father. At 64 years old I’m learning to stop the self judgement and fierce inner critic and from this video can see very clearly where it came from. 😊 thank you
Even at times when I can accept some healing and start to move on with my own life, at times, it's almost crushing to realize the parent I've stuck my children with... they dont deserve the shit him makes them deal with...
I wrote a story based on the narcissist as a cypher in a Shakespeare play… someone in the shadows, of non-importance. your video’s are serious psychology and therapy sessions… exactly what the Universe ordered for me
The actor analogy is so fitting as my ex was an actor. Even with nearly two years strict gray rock, he certainly is directing the show. His presence is everywhere and the triggers seem ti have gotten worse. I was in 23 years and 3 teenagers. Still, I’ve been doing the work and feel so defeated. I can’t seem to shake off what I know should be shaken off by now. I’m repeating this video and feel like it offers some direction and answers. Thank you.
Even though I have gained control of myself back, sometimes I still find it hard to distinguish with 100% certainty my inner voice from his play. I’m getting better at it though. It takes a very strong sense of self to counteract this bs.
Now, this is news I can use. Thank you! I love the part about how I get to mute the narcissist and treat him in a contrary was as he did me. I like also that when I hear him in my head, I get to fire back and my point is the only authority. 😊
This is one of the most eye-opening videos . I have seen all the previous videos. Now i makes sense. No matter what you (I) do, you (I) can never be anyone other, then the person the narcissist has of you (me) in his mind. Looking so much forward to more videos on seperation individuation. Thank you professor Vaknin 🙏🏻🙏🏻
Exactly the story of my previous life. Not only putted fantastic dialogues in my mouth but also sometimes claimed have saw me doing something I didn't do, and always in order to have a reason to humiliate me more. It was a nightmare.
Excellent video! Clear, concise and meaningful. As someone who’s been married for 30 plus years and a psychoanalyst, it took me a long time to figure this out! But when I did There was no going back, the world was opened! Thanks Sam for all your videos!
At work, I was a respected professional. At home, I wasn't allowed to watch certain TV programs. The tribunal ruled at home, not reason. How did I let it get so far out of control. Thirty years later and I am going through the same trials with my daughter. I stopped it, took action. Now I am shunned by my daughters and my grandchildren. Where is the comfort in that? I think I would rather have just humored her. But then, the abuse continues.
When the doctor told me my husband had the worst case of NPD he had ever seen, I asked, "Can you fix him?" There werent resources like this back then, but I remember searching. I remembered the only information I could find was a narcissist in Israel who had a website.
Absolutely spot on.. I hear him.... but I go against that now, well I try my hardest.... the worst part is I worked all this out , but ignored it... you Sam, have made me see that I was right all along.... thank you ❤❤❤
I feel hopeful in beginning to fight back the very real voice of my mother in my head. It’s the hardest thing, because life happens so fast sometimes. Thank you and I am very glad you talked about victimization. I refuse to be a victim and accept that because that is the role my mom played and she allocated I play it as well. It’s a role that made me experience suffering that no child should go through. I encourage others to truly look at the damage of accepting yourself as a victim. You are not just that. You can be a survivor, a fighter, and always a better person!
Omg thank you, I knew this was not my imagination- he does this to me all of the time and even though the security cameras record all our conversations, he refuses to listen and when he did one time, accused me of manipulating the tapes- even though he was sitting right next to me. It is crazymaking. I just got out- and I am staying out- no one deserves this.
Thank you 😊 God bless you! I am doing it. Sometimes that voice lurks out in a gaze of contempt. At times it doesn’t prompts out as voice. It comes as a visual memory of him. It makes you think and feel like you’re looking at people with disgust, anger and hatred as the narcissist does. It asks you to disregard and hurt people. I am gradually separating myself from him. When I separated from my covert narcissist, I thanked him for the lessons I learnt. He tried to hover on and pull me in. But I had noticed the pattern in his behaviour. I didn’t wish to be part of the cycle. I didn’t know it that he had a personality disorder called narcissism. I jBut after I watched your lessons on narcissistic abuse. I understood that I absorbed unconscious narcissistic patterns from him along with the lessons. His negativity energy pops out subconsciously or unconsciously. Due to meditation and self affirmations, it seems to be clear and peaceful . But It feels like foreign entity in your being.
I never heard the situation put in that context before but it makes a lot of sense. I remember once I heard the narcissist in my mind and even though she was not in my presence I was extremely nervous and my hands were sweating.
This is true, very true. Mine once told me, "I can never punish you as much as you can punish yourself in your head". And I did. For years. And in a way it's still going on. Your videos empower me by helping me to understand some stark realities. Thank you.
This video is so amazing it blows my mind This video explains the dynamics of psychological narcissism. It is a sadistic entity critic that must be silenced and contradicted in order for separation individuation. WOW!
What would I do without you professor, you shed light on these intricacies in the most nuanced and doctoral way possible. I have achieved a great deal of comfort and freedom during my healing journey from listening to your lectures on YT. I firmly believe knowledge is power and the more I have watched and learned how their mind works and was able to relate to my own mental state of mind. Although many of your videos are intended for educational and scientific reasons, to people like myself it is more like real therapy. Therapy from real knowledge- even more than the narc knows about themselves. The world is lucky to have people as devoted as yourself. Btw I also follow you on LinkedIn. Thanks for all your contributions and efforts to modern psychology and sociology. ❤❤
You look especially handsome today. I'm looking forward to this, recently decided to stand up for myself, embrace the ideas from your self love video, and run. Thank you Professor Sam Vaknin.
Hi Sam, I cannot thank you enough for all the information that you have shared on Narcissism and Nothingness. The level of clarity with which you talk about Narcissism is highly commendable. It helps me understand each and every aspect of my encounter with the narcissist. It is so surprising that we ourselves are able to understand the concept of introject and voices of introjects. To get such an understanding we have to think of what we are thinking or keep our mind on where our mind is going. It's like bringing our awareness to all these voices in our heads. Having a stable core and a strong understanding of oneself is very important to cope up with the abuse and its aftermath. Way to go Professor Vaknin..!!
"of course it's true, because I'm saying it" 😂 Thank you for sharing your work, professor Vaknin 🙏 I'm in the process of recreating my own "theater play" and you've provided, and continue to provide, an invaluable contribution to it. I'll be sure to credit you wherever I may in the future--that is, if this is me speaking and not a "narcissistic flea" of past residual grandiosity. Thanks for helping me, my family, and the world.
This explains why my ex was so angry with me when she dreamed about me cheating on her. It also explains a lot of her anger when I didn't do things that she inexplicably expected me to.
Dr..your videos are a service to humanity. I have noticed that I keep attracting narcissists. I think the fear of being alone for a lifetime especially in a patriarchal society like India is really tough. How can I stop attracting such people?
The narcissists like empathic and sensitive people, who are not very careful with keeping their boundaries up. Also codependent people are excellent pray for them, because they won't leave. Create boundaries and if anyone tries to break them, don't let them. Try to find a loving relationship, with yourself or with a help of a friend or a relative. Know your worth. If they don't respect you, make an ultimatum and if they won't change, leave. With healthy boundaries and knowing what you want, you are not so easy to use.
As an empath myself this isn’t everyone but we have a hard time establishing boundaries because we have learned how to be a yes man or people pleaser early in life a lot of times. So it’s hard to say no to people. We empathize to the point of self debasement. It’s not healthy it’s dangerous. We will put others needs and feelings before our own because of our sensitivity to others. We end up self sabotaging in our attempts to make others happy. But it’s really low self esteem. The Narcs feeds off this and it makes you easier to control. I’m learning this the hard way. I was just discarded by my Narc and I have a 6 week old daughter this has been very painful 😣
@@shanuv12 It may depend on the narc. It was when I was at my most confident that I STILL attracted a third romantic partner (and at my 2nd most confident, a narc boss) who turned out to be a covert narc. Narcs get an extra buzz from their fuel supply coming from the formerly confident. Or, on the other hand, we could say that even at my most confident, I was still very insecure, so it was my APPEARING to be confident that attracted them. And they can sense when it is just a facade. I sure fooled a lot of people though.
You always amaze me, i did this without even knowing i had to do it, and it worked wonderfully,, better than i can even hoped for, thank you for your work Prof Vaknin ❤️
Thank you for that wonderful insight for the ending of your video was the best part which holds the key to freedom from the narcissist in my mind that I am no longer on the strings of his puppet mastery I take back my power and I run my show myself. I delegate the role however big or small that the narcissist plays in my life which in my case I need to eliminate all together However it will take time in order to do this but in the meantime I have a renewed mental strength and capacity to view The narcissist as a very minor player.
This was literally life changing information and I am Feeling so liberated by your words of encouragement as I had been completely sucked into the narcissist narrative of who I was in his mind which was draining and negative and hurtful harmful shameful as he found out my vulnerabilities and used them to my detriment to manipulate and control me in a very sad and twisted potential love affair That now has a name to it which is narcissistic abuse.
Though you like to reference Alice-in-Wonderland I tend to think of myself as Dorothy from the wizard of oz when Glenda the good witch tells her you have had the power all along To go home and I feel like I have been in this dream state for a while now being manipulated and controlled by forces outside of me that were stronger than I was and could not break free to get back to where I needed to be for my mental sanity Which was back in my Kansas my world my life my friends my job my way of thinking. all of that was taken away from me Because I fell in love with a man who was a demonic unfeeling hateful self loathing narcissist
Excellent advice, be whatever else he wanted you to be, I have been doing it intuitively for the last few weeks and i already see the change for the better! Snap out of the victimhood. Thank you for this video! This seemingly small piece of advice can be a life changer for many
My mind is BLOWN. He constantly manipulated my speech and I often felt that he was projecting everything on to me that he felt but wouldn’t say to his mother.
Dr. Vaknin, thank you so much for making these videos and sharing your research. Psalm 124:7 sums up my story but there is much healing to be done. So grateful for your help.
Professor Sam Vaknin, This was a Brilliant Video - In Such a Clear and Concise way I gained Incredible Understanding (it was actually confirming to what I have lived through a large portion of my adult life yet but did not Truly understand). As I have been on my Healing journey...I have watched hours of videos but only recently found and subscribed to your Channel. Without realizing this was the right thing to do - I had taken over as Director of the play and make Every line, thought, and bit of the play Fit into my Script Alone...the narc is very much a prop. I find that my play is sort of a Real life Endurance ( Exploration..real time, Heartwarming Story with Love and Respect for the other Actors...there is Much Humor and Laughter especially when the insignificant props get out of line) I Hope this makes some sense. You have Now Helped me to know that my Play ( me as Director) will continue, I was uncomfortable with just the victim thought, I Desire to Live a Full Life and this just made me feel as though the narc still was stealing from me. A Million Thanks for Sharing your Gifts with the World.
Love this! ❤I recognize some of the Hebrew you used from my psalms prayers I recently learned! 😊 the individuation process is exactly what I needed, too! Thank you for your work! ❤
thank you, yes the biggest part of healing i find still, coming back to oneself is a huge relief and has helped heal a lot. I find it's like being given OCD from someone, the intrusive thoughts definition of it.
Thank you for taking the time to make this. One down. One more S.Vaknin pre-req to go, and then I'm diving into to scum pond holding my breath to recover my Atlantis from- as far as I have unearthed- three generations of Belgian ghoulish abuse. Passed from my great grandmother, to her daughter, to her daughter and finally to me. It's quite a tailing pond, let me assure you. But I'm ready to fight back. It's taken almost 2 years. But I am ready. Thank you. I am really appreciating your videos so much.
Luckily I am still alive thanks to videos on You T.and many- many hours explaining myself what had been happening in that relationship. And very true at the end of it I had been acting and talking exactly as HIM.
Sam, thank you so much for everything you do. This video is brilliantly illuminating. Your insights on narcissism explain what for so many years has been utterly inexplicable. Deep gratitude.
This video is a golden nugget! So, the person with the narcissist is no longer home in the castle of her mind and ends up bringing to the world the exact manifestation of the bad version of her he had designed in his mind photo shop? It is like if they had teamed-up to sacrifice her and her life, as if they had conclued that the "play" was worth obliterate her and her life to let the character take place and manifest the play? Why and when does she make the choice to let the narcissist bind and take her superego to the dungeon then replace it by the introject? Is it during the inaugural idealization phase and for the benefit of the good things the shared fantasy was supposed to bring her? When she realizes it was a bad deal and wants to cut her losses and grow, is there additional techniques to bring the superego back faster in her mind and kick the introject out permanently? How long will this introject-mechanism can be operating? Does it explain why she cannot think or make even the smallest easy decision while being over the phone with the narcissist? This is so insane!
Good Morning Dr. Vaknin, I was thinking this about your work on Narcissim, and the wounding that occurs to prevent the development of true self / creation of false self and your work on cold therapy. I was wondering if you have done any videos on if the narcissist can ever truly access states of being loved or loving in any kind of authentic, safe or embodied way. My impression from your work is that in fact, this is not possible. You also made a video of "not healed"... which also points to this position as I interpret it. I have not yet read your book but am looking forward to doing so. Thank you again for all your tireless work, efforts, dedication and generosity. Bless You.
This is different, enlightening, powerful and empowering! Thanks for the time, trouble and leadership in this area and also for making this information available and accessible. Following from Africa.
I agree, the narcissit can make you do things that can go against your very nature, be very uncharacteristic of you. For example, I would beg for affection, and I mean literally on the floor. I didn't instantly drop to the floor, but i got there gradually. I would sob. After calming down, I would feel a flood of shame overwhelm me. Dissapointment and distgust towards myself when I would take a moment outside of the madness and realise what I had done. I didn't know who I had become. I never did these things in my life. Never stooped so low. Stooping low became a regular thing for about just over 2 years and it resulted in my poor self esteem and self image as well as a loss of DIGNITY. I think this is the spot they want you in
I think you are right. 👌💯
@@tamelashafer8852 wth are you talking about !?
Nevee ever allow another person to make u feel so bad. U r worthy of the good things if u believe it u won’t accommodate people like this even for one minute
Don't let a Narcissist Rob you to find yourself true love , stop wasting time on him. Pick up yourself come up screaming for everything you've wanted. So walk away from that Snake it will be the best day of your LIFE!!
@@alwaysjolly thank you
My father is a genius narcissist: It took 45 years to escape fully. My mother is still in there, she has ataxia (brain shrinkage) no-one knows the cause. My father once told me (in one of our final conversations) "You can't critize your mother because your mum and I are basically the same person,". My sister supports my father - my sister is a practicing psychologist who once told me, "Don't you see that by you setting boundaries you're hurting the people who love you?" - as you can tell, she is a joke as a psychologist. Black is white, up is down, boundaries are violence. I've met other genius narcissists, there are so many - how can we ever be free of these people?
Psychologist sister encouraging you to hurt yourself?
My narc sister said the same stuff to me: we're basically the same person, ummmm, absolutely not b****! I've had such a hard time getting away from her because she was my mother figure. My mother was emotionally unavailable to put it nicely. Narc also referred to me as her "clone", totally disrespectful. I have gone low contact. I would like to go no contact but I'm not there yet
What was your father genius about?
I’ve fallen for a genius narcissist, and it was a special kind of mindfuckery. I can only imagine having to deal with similar madness your entire life from a parent and older sister. May that pressure and this healing journey make you into a diamond of a being.
I'm not sure if there is such thing as a "genius narcissist". I think those are actually psychopaths (not murderous but still capable if it benefits them). Most narcs are actually dumb but the smart ones become "white collar criminals" and all kinds of scammers. They have no problem manipulating and screwing over anybody (even their closest family members) if it benefits them financially. I had/still have many family members of ALL kinds of these narcissist. From the dumbest to the most tricky psychopaths. Being the only normal and truthful person of course i am the "black sheep of the family" ... 😢.....😂
Your father probably caused your mother's brain shrinkage.
I agree with you. Because the narcissit continously oversteps your boundaries time and time again, you begin to merge and the lines become blurred. In the end you dont know who you are and what you even stand for. Your selfhood is so far gone that you don't remember the last time you felt autonomous. The narcissit dismantles you and rearranges you so the parts don't fit anymore how they used to. You will walk around like a zombie, an empty shell, a person without any substance, aimless, without goal only to be told by your narcissit that you are boring, old, ageing, lifeless, when this is how they rearranged you. This zombie, outer body experience feels very borderline. You may slowly begin to think you have BPD. You will cease to live and merely exist. You will feel the end of your life. After a long time in a narcissitic relationship, you may start to see other changes to yourself. Things that you once you enjoyed you will not enjoy as much. This is more the reason for them to call you boring. At this point you dont know what is real and what is not so you will take on board the narcs criticisms of you and believe them to be real. 'Its true, I have become boring' you will think. This furthers you down the rabbit hole. Now you will feel crap about yourself for becoming boring and wonder if you are even deserving of the narc because he is fun whilst you are boring you will think. You should know that this is the start of the evil spirit getting into your head. He will create these character dichotomy between you and him in ever so subtle ways that will make you believe you are the 'problem.' After chronic narc abuse, I noticed that I my senses, particularly my hearing became very very sensitive. I just liked quiet and low volume music. I just couldn't take loud music and bass anymore. I used to feel overwhelmed in my brain. My heart beat and rhythm became ultra sensitive to bass. A discomfort would sweep over me a I would just want to jump out of my body and just leave it. Noise use to affect me. I was becoming anxious. The narc ofcourse would call me boring and a party pooper etc.
You describe this very well! That is exactly what happens.
I slowly began to think I was aspd. And now I am. How sad. Only if could feel again. Oh well
@@user-vp7yg8qb8g you mean now you have become with Antisocial personality disorder?
Wow! That's very enlightening and true in my experience. Whilst I was still with the narc I started thinking I was borderline but now realise it was and is cptsd. My IDVA support worker confirmed this too.
Oh my goodness. This is my entire LIFE with a narcissistic father.
Sounds pretty demonic to me
The narcissist was a loser from the beginning, red flags everywhere, my fault for giving him a chance. Lesson learned. Done ✅
not your fault, you were conned.
WORD.
@@Iwasonceacarpenter Also: WORD.
But you did not do anything wrong. My guess would be that the love-bombing was intoxicating, as it usually is. The love-bombing is everything we needed to hear growing up and they figure that out. They speak into unresolved trauma that responds by glossing over anything that would debunk the narc, because that would mean we'd lose the love-bombing.
As a kid, I mentally defended my narc mom even though I knew she was awful. But I had to defend her bc she was the only mom I had and I needed her regardless of how dysfunctional she was. I couldn't just get up and leave her. So I had to defend her in my mind.
I think that's why as adults, we who've been narcissistically abused, will overlook red flags. Because there's a part of us that needs the love bombing.
@@skyflowerz only thing I did wrong was not listen to my intuition, I had a beautiful childhood
If i wasnt afraid of my own abilities i wouldnt have been such an easy target for the narc in my life. Im learning how to trust and love myself.
yup - me too it's been 4 years of no contact and i'm much better but it still pops up and these resources are lifesaving
It's not even that
It's literally just the fact that someone can treat you so horribly, then dispose of you as if you never even existed. That's the part that gets to me.
I know
So I'm not exactly sure what the alternative to being a victim is. Are you saying the narcicisst wants you to think of yourself as a victim? Is that part of theater play? Not sure how to direct the play?
Is anyone afraid of your real abilities?
Yes. Or maybe that I don't really have them.
My ex did that back in 2021, she said she was seeing another guy, then progressevely told me details... Imagine someone you like hurting you and telling she betrayed you. She broke my mind and my happiness for months.
The things I did with him, I have never done before or after him. I didn't realize how much he controlled me. The hardest to recover from is that he had fully absorbed me and that I had ceased to exist before I managed to get away.
I lost my personality, I felt numb and depressed. My narcissistic father broke me first physically and mentally. I’m 30, I realised this year, I told him about all the mistreatment,I opened up my heart to him. Later he told me, I’m jealous and then told my mother that I don’t love him anymore. I’ve never had a girlfriend or a job, I always thought there was something wrong with me. I can’t even hug people, they notice I tense up. They break you and then they play victim. I hate these people
Please take action. I woke up at the age of 30 too. I have worked all my life though and left them losers, but only understood my terrible childhood at this age. Such a waste of years. Try step by step and you can do the work too, don't be too tight on yourself.
Facing self and realizing what belongs to self and what belongs to narcissist is critical for process of recovery
You describe the scenario with such accuracy. I felt very small and like I’d been put in the corner. And yes, muted. Kindness and humour were reserved for others while I was the dumping ground for rage and paranoia. A deep sense of loss and betrayal. So confusing and completely devastating to my sense of self, which is taking ever so long to reestablish. What a helpful video, thank you! 🙏
This is how I'm feeling right now and I don't know how to get out.
You are the only person that REALLY gets it and doesn’t give the same stupid bs advice everyone else does
It makes sense whenever I tried to talk to him he would say "what are you babbling about?" He didn't want to hear me except when I was praising him.
I heard that phrase, "what are you babbling about", often from my ex, he would barely listen to my thoughts or interests. Invisible, unless I revolved around him.
To him, I would "never work as hard as he did", even though I worked part time, went to University, and took care of small children. Wouldn't lift a finger to help, unless there was something for him to benefit. He would brag to his friends about me, but at home, I would be " worthless" to him.
It is frightfully amazing how much that "family of origin" really applies. Escaping narcissist family to enter another twisted relationship, doomed to fail. Do you really escape until you educate and assert yourself
@@lauravintson7753 they just listen everything to belittle you after. But muted the good parts in you. They amplify your insecurities to play with you later but the good side of you is useless to them.
@@lauravintson7753 I am nowhere near so terrifying to my wife (except sometimes internally, when I was trying to review the seven phases of shared fantasy thing which I tried to hopefully keep all in my mind -- as a person with writing ambitions I might be able to do something so silly) but I like to think if for instance my grandmother hadn't "spoiled" me -- for one year after my mom either committed suicide or for her/my complex of suspected genetic issues died of clumsiness when I was 3 -- as my unfortunately too-unsuitably-educated-by-culture but truly well-meaning stempmother described it, (and along with so many other generous people), I would be so much worse. It's astonishing to imagine my problems and say my father's problems with a bit more narcissism (rags to upper middle class story on movie-level high octane plus an actual dead mother from disease without replacement, that one) in light of how fraught each and every child around us is. Especially frustrating in relation to problems like autism / adhd which I have (from biological mother's side) and which makes me wonder just how many other people might also have.
There is are lessons in something so tragic and painful. One of them is identifying bad behavior and the other is the developing the skill and discipline to remove these people from your life.
I exited the Narcissistic System in my family…this information is helping me process the trauma I have stored in myself. And start a new life.
Same!
NPD persons are a severe danger to someone with BPD. They awaken sociopaths and self destruction in BPD. Your videos on awareness and how to deal is literally saving lives.
The narcissist studies the one with the BPD. He learns where her cuts, bruises and wounds are. In the beginning when she is opening up to him as you would to gain closeness and intimacy in a relationship, he is merely data collecting. After he does the data analysis on her. He forms a conclusion in his mind. Then slowly slowly she realises pieces of data are being used against her. When shit finally hits the fan and the mask completely falls off, he hits her with whatever her biggest weakness was. The end.
And how do NPDs bring out the sociopath in BPDs?
Sam I think you're probably one of the most criminally underrated men of today. So many people who are ignorant to this knowledge could be changing their lives for the better.
I hope you don't mind but I put a screenshot of one of your videos on my tinder profile in an attempt to get someone to watch it or find someone else who watches your stuff. Thank you for all you do.
Why would I mind? I am grateful to you.
Did you mean to write clinically and the spell check did criminally?
Im just wondering!
@@earthfriendlydesignhub725 No, criminally is what I typed.
@@yeahnahsweetasI love the word chosen
I haven’t been able to move forward or heal, and recently realized that I felt that my inner child was raped of her innocence by the narcissist. Hearing this discussion about the narcissist inducing infantilism, it makes so much sense now. This is the first time since the discard in the fall of 2019 that I’ve heard this info. I think it is the missing link. Thank you so, so much.
This bit at 6:24 - 7:35 about self-gaslighting is fascinatingly true. My ex accused me of writing something demeaning (as if quoted) about him in my diary, and when I looked back through every notebook of mine, I never found the specific quote that he accused me of writing about him… he seemed to believe it was actually written, but it never was!
He's in my head when he isn't around, music ❤️ helping. It is fear, a big black cloud.
Thank you for this. "Reduce the narc to a walk on part.... contradict the voice", yes!
He used to tell me we are the same or we are one. If he was upset me he'd say when will we be the same? I loved him so much. I didn't mind being one with him, if he didn't make me feel like I was unworthy for him. His actions and words over and over made me feel this way. But he'd get mad if I said I'm not good enough for you. Everyone and their mother knew I was too good for him, I knew it too, but the constant thoughts of not being good enough were overwhelming and by the end were my only thoughts. He left and I still have these feelings that I was never good enough for an old alcoholic man.
I did things like begging for sex and attention. Sometimes on my hands and knees crying. I never had to beg before. I felt so ugly and unlovable. It honestly felt like when I was a teen and I would argue with my dad over what a loser I was. It was the same feelings, almost the same reactions. Yet, when I looked at him I didn't see a 60 year old man, I saw a little boy who I wanted to love and take care of. If he didn't make me feel so worthless , I would've given myself totally to him.
I’ve been trapped in a horror movie for 32 years, my husband wants to visit me on weekends (because I “remind him of home”), and live in another city with his 2 year transactionship, the young and dumb 36 year old single mother gold digger, that he likes to “hang out” with and “have fun”….that was his explanation of why he left a 32 year marriage “I like hanging out, it’s fun”…and of course, “I don’t know”, “I didn’t mean it”, “it was never my intention “, “I still love you more than anything “….I now wake up with tremendous gratitude for the universe, IM FREE NOW, LET HIM LIVE A LONG TIME(with inoperable pancreatic cancer) and be able to support me for the rest of his miserable life
Get rid of his stuff. It’s creating anger. That’s what I did. Then he died! He won’t be back! What a relief forever.
The narcissist used to belittle me and critisize me ( still does) in front of my son . Now that my son is 20, he s become his fathers' fan or flying monkey although i have a relatively good and warm relationship with him. The problem now is that although the narcissists criticism doesnt bother me anymore, it hurts when i see my son taking his side all the time !
Damn sad and frustrating, I understand...
Sam is the Einstein of narcissism.
This explains every relationship I’ve ever had with a man, beginning with my father. It explains the moral injury, lack of boundaries, and any sense of personal sovereignty.
This is the first time I’ve understood to what degree I’ve supplied the victim, the nightmares, and the screams in this horror movie. It’s time I walked off the set. Thank you.
That has been my experience as well with men in my life. I am not giving up hope to one day having a healthy relationship but I am now not afraid to go it alone either. Much love to you ❤
I also just walked off set-and I left him in a very nice way- not for him, but for me.
Ong!!!! This analogy clicked with me. I’m the producer/ director now. Not an actor on theatre. I didn’t know I was on the stage, lights on theatre, there was no audience or director … it was my show. Thank you. 💜
Watching your videos, first I got scared, I am still scared of how fucked up things are, then I thought I was a narc ( I have no idea though) , then I was at awe how this works, now I am in the process of learning and understanding more. I was doing things that i did not even know I was doing. Meditation ..sometimes, Mindfulness, Awareness and now I am constant creating boundaries and looking at my own actions. Though I was reading many books and trying to figure out what's wrong... I never got the answers. Finally the mystery is getting unfolded, slowly I am truly grateful.
Very interesting.
Divorced 10 years and to this day the narc won’t let go of me.
I treat him with respect as we are co parenting.
He messages me a few times a year that I am crazy, a bad parent, started crazy lawsuits against him etc.
He is angry because he started the lawsuits and ruined himself financially in the process. He took one child away and is now mad at me because he has to take care of her.
He is mad because I hold my own and don’t agree, nor internalize his negative perception of me.
You are correct. No matter what I do, how respectful I am. He has created an Avatar of me that is HIS Truth.
He is angry because I told him he is entitled to his truth but it doesn’t make it my reality, nor reality at all.
Your videos have been incredible helpful to understand their disorder, heal myself and survive coparenting with a malignant narcissist.
Ten years done, three more to go.
I already scheduled an appointment with myself for Bonfire Day.
When the last child turns 18, I’ll burn my legal documents and roast marshmallows.
Thank you for validating the fact that I am not crazy for thinking that my narc dad is controlling, manipulative who I am seeing through right now. You described my childhood and teenage years in this video.
I have gone through this from the start to the end...
The result
I found a stronger version of myself and am truly grateful regardless of everything I went through .
💎⭐💛👌⭐💎🌻
Don't let your guard down!
You’re my hero. God Bless You. ♥️❤️🩹🙏🏼
Can't wait to hear more tips and tricks on separation individuation; perhaps a whole another video would be great!! YOU'RE AMAZING 👏 💖 ❤
Yes! My ex always accused me of gaslighting him! It absolutely infuriated me.
Thank you Sam for your wisdom as I wake up this morning with my coffee! This is precisely what I am trying to do at this time. Your lectures have provided me the understanding that I so desperately need to move forward and let go of the narcissist. Married 45 years and my narc husband was unexpectedly killed in a helicopter crash. Upon his death, learned he was living 2 separate lives, spending 1/2 the week with another woman and 1/2 with me. Lying to both of us and our daughters for 7 years😳 Lied to my face when questioned! Confabulations beyond belief. He traveled in his work so had the perfect excuse!
Who does this? Why? I am learning the why from you, not in my current therapy. So grateful.
yes they are really great at deflecting it back to you.
An excellent explanation of "self gas lighting." It was so frustrating when they said , "You really don't remember saying that!?!" I was almost doubting my own memory.
Professor Vaknin, your model of a narcissist as a mother figure or parental figure whose dominant voice overrides one's own superego makes perfect sense. Thank you for this important, insightful video.
wow, so many times i have told my ex to stop putting words in my mouth that i have never, ever said. this is all very alarming and illuminating.
Oh yes!! I was totally puppet in his hands. I felt so out of touch with myself. I was like being remote controlled by him
Me too! It was exactly a puppet show so I was moving by his own wills and he enjoyed that. There was no option for me to choose what I wanted because in the end all cards were in his hands. Therefore I had to play the roles he presented me as available. Then things were so back around me because everyone around me started to treat as if I was unworthy, and troublesome person who had very little value. It was devaluation. I am eliminating this concept by watching those videos so that I never allow any narcissists or people who have the traits of those narcs can come access to my presence. Seriously I am done and I never ever want to go back to the hands of the narc. Therefore it is over and no contact. I am confirming and affirming this every day so that I don't forget what the narc has done to my life. Yes there were lots of love bombs in between so I was hallucinated. Yet those love bombs do not work anymore. It is also I am able to receive other love bombs that are not coming from the narc. IF only I discern the narc and avoid them all the cost.
Wow…my relationship with my father. At 64 years old I’m learning to stop the self judgement and fierce inner critic and from this video can see very clearly where it came from. 😊 thank you
Even at times when I can accept some healing and start to move on with my own life, at times, it's almost crushing to realize the parent I've stuck my children with... they dont deserve the shit him makes them deal with...
Thaaaaank u cause I’m trying to get her and the thoughts of her out of my head!
I wrote a story based on the narcissist as a cypher in a Shakespeare play… someone in the shadows, of non-importance. your video’s are serious psychology and therapy sessions… exactly what the Universe ordered for me
Ah Sam. I lived this for over 25 years and have never heard my experience described better! Thank you for all that you do
The actor analogy is so fitting as my ex was an actor. Even with nearly two years strict gray rock, he certainly is directing the show. His presence is everywhere and the triggers seem ti have gotten worse. I was in 23 years and 3 teenagers. Still, I’ve been doing the work and feel so defeated. I can’t seem to shake off what I know should be shaken off by now.
I’m repeating this video and feel like it offers some direction and answers.
Thank you.
Even though I have gained control of myself back, sometimes I still find it hard to distinguish with 100% certainty my inner voice from his play. I’m getting better at it though. It takes a very strong sense of self to counteract this bs.
Now, this is news I can use. Thank you! I love the part about how I get to mute the narcissist and treat him in a contrary was as he did me. I like also that when I hear him in my head, I get to fire back and my point is the only authority. 😊
This is one of the most eye-opening videos . I have seen all the previous videos. Now i makes sense. No matter what you (I) do, you (I) can never be anyone other, then the person the narcissist has of you (me) in his mind. Looking so much forward to more videos on seperation individuation. Thank you professor Vaknin 🙏🏻🙏🏻
Every lecture I watch seems to carry a more important lesson amd message than the last one. Thank you, Professor.
Exactly the story of my previous life. Not only putted fantastic dialogues in my mouth but also sometimes claimed have saw me doing something I didn't do, and always in order to have a reason to humiliate me more. It was a nightmare.
I love how you have a self portrait sketch in the background! You are spot on! Thanks for all your hard work!
Excellent video! Clear, concise and meaningful. As someone who’s been married for 30 plus years and a psychoanalyst, it took me a long time to figure this out! But when I did There was no going back, the world was opened! Thanks Sam for all your videos!
At work, I was a respected professional. At home, I wasn't allowed to watch certain TV programs. The tribunal ruled at home, not reason. How did I let it get so far out of control. Thirty years later and I am going through the same trials with my daughter. I stopped it, took action. Now I am shunned by my daughters and my grandchildren. Where is the comfort in that? I think I would rather have just humored her. But then, the abuse continues.
When the doctor told me my husband had the worst case of NPD he had ever seen, I asked, "Can you fix him?" There werent resources like this back then, but I remember searching. I remembered the only information I could find was a narcissist in Israel who had a website.
It was me. I owned the first and only website on NPD between 1995 and 2004.
Absolutely spot on.. I hear him.... but I go against that now, well I try my hardest.... the worst part is I worked all this out , but ignored it... you Sam, have made me see that I was right all along.... thank you ❤❤❤
I feel hopeful in beginning to fight back the very real voice of my mother in my head. It’s the hardest thing, because life happens so fast sometimes. Thank you and I am very glad you talked about victimization. I refuse to be a victim and accept that because that is the role my mom played and she allocated I play it as well. It’s a role that made me experience suffering that no child should go through. I encourage others to truly look at the damage of accepting yourself as a victim. You are not just that. You can be a survivor, a fighter, and always a better person!
Omg thank you, I knew this was not my imagination- he does this to me all of the time and even though the security cameras record all our conversations, he refuses to listen and when he did one time, accused me of manipulating the tapes- even though he was sitting right next to me. It is crazymaking. I just got out- and I am staying out- no one deserves this.
Thank you 😊 God bless you! I am doing it. Sometimes that voice lurks out in a gaze of contempt. At times it doesn’t prompts out as voice. It comes as a visual memory of him. It makes you think and feel like you’re looking at people with disgust, anger and hatred as the narcissist does. It asks you to disregard and hurt people. I am gradually separating myself from him. When I separated from my covert narcissist, I thanked him for the lessons I learnt. He tried to hover on and pull me in. But I had noticed the pattern in his behaviour. I didn’t wish to be part of the cycle. I didn’t know it that he had a personality disorder called narcissism. I jBut after I watched your lessons on narcissistic abuse. I understood that I absorbed unconscious narcissistic patterns from him along with the lessons. His negativity energy pops out subconsciously or unconsciously. Due to meditation and self affirmations, it seems to be clear and peaceful . But It feels like foreign entity in your being.
I never heard the situation put in that context before but it makes a lot of sense. I remember once I heard the narcissist in my mind and even though she was not in my presence I was extremely nervous and my hands were sweating.
Unbelievable. Thank you Professor. Your videos have provided profound insight and are so eerily accurate.
Good evening!
My favorite professor.
Thank you for your wisdom.
Thank you Professor. Looking forward to your future dialogue with Richard Grannon
This is true, very true. Mine once told me, "I can never punish you as much as you can punish yourself in your head". And I did. For years. And in a way it's still going on. Your videos empower me by helping me to understand some stark realities. Thank you.
This video is so amazing it blows my mind This video explains the dynamics of psychological narcissism. It is a sadistic entity critic that must be silenced and contradicted in order for separation individuation. WOW!
What would I do without you professor, you shed light on these intricacies in the most nuanced and doctoral way possible. I have achieved a great deal of comfort and freedom during my healing journey from listening to your lectures on YT. I firmly believe knowledge is power and the more I have watched and learned how their mind works and was able to relate to my own mental state of mind. Although many of your videos are intended for educational and scientific reasons, to people like myself it is more like real therapy. Therapy from real knowledge- even more than the narc knows about themselves. The world is lucky to have people as devoted as yourself. Btw I also follow you on LinkedIn. Thanks for all your contributions and efforts to modern psychology and sociology. ❤❤
You look especially handsome today. I'm looking forward to this, recently decided to stand up for myself, embrace the ideas from your self love video, and run. Thank you Professor Sam Vaknin.
Good on you. Stay strong.
Hi Sam,
I cannot thank you enough for all the information that you have shared on Narcissism and Nothingness. The level of clarity with which you talk about Narcissism is highly commendable. It helps me understand each and every aspect of my encounter with the narcissist. It is so surprising that we ourselves are able to understand the concept of introject and voices of introjects. To get such an understanding we have to think of what we are thinking or keep our mind on where our mind is going. It's like bringing our awareness to all these voices in our heads.
Having a stable core and a strong understanding of oneself is very important to cope up with the abuse and its aftermath.
Way to go Professor Vaknin..!!
"of course it's true, because I'm saying it" 😂
Thank you for sharing your work, professor Vaknin 🙏
I'm in the process of recreating my own "theater play" and you've provided, and continue to provide, an invaluable contribution to it. I'll be sure to credit you wherever I may in the future--that is, if this is me speaking and not a "narcissistic flea" of past residual grandiosity.
Thanks for helping me, my family, and the world.
Yup that's exactly how it felt like. A play and I had a "role". I detected it early thx to you Dr Vaknin.
He became a muted actor 😎 like Tree #2.
Thanks for sharing your knowledge, Sam 🤗
my most regret is put my kids at risk for having psychopath dad and they have to live with fear and obedience.
This explains why my ex was so angry with me when she dreamed about me cheating on her. It also explains a lot of her anger when I didn't do things that she inexplicably expected me to.
They aré just angry in general
This video, I probably needed more than any other. I never figured out what to do with the narcissist in my mind. Thank you, Sam.
This is one of a few moments..when I feel that intelligence is relevant to day-to-day life
Totally true
now I clearly understand what I was passing through
Thousands of thanks
Dr..your videos are a service to humanity. I have noticed that I keep attracting narcissists. I think the fear of being alone for a lifetime especially in a patriarchal society like India is really tough. How can I stop attracting such people?
The narcissists like empathic and sensitive people, who are not very careful with keeping their boundaries up. Also codependent people are excellent pray for them, because they won't leave. Create boundaries and if anyone tries to break them, don't let them. Try to find a loving relationship, with yourself or with a help of a friend or a relative. Know your worth. If they don't respect you, make an ultimatum and if they won't change, leave. With healthy boundaries and knowing what you want, you are not so easy to use.
Forget people, get a dog.
When you are insecure and vulnerable you attract narcissists.
As an empath myself this isn’t everyone but we have a hard time establishing boundaries because we have learned how to be a yes man or people pleaser early in life a lot of times. So it’s hard to say no to people. We empathize to the point of self debasement. It’s not healthy it’s dangerous. We will put others needs and feelings before our own because of our sensitivity to others. We end up self sabotaging in our attempts to make others happy. But it’s really low self esteem. The Narcs feeds off this and it makes you easier to control. I’m learning this the hard way. I was just discarded by my Narc and I have a 6 week old daughter this has been very painful 😣
@@shanuv12 It may depend on the narc. It was when I was at my most confident that I STILL attracted a third romantic partner (and at my 2nd most confident, a narc boss) who turned out to be a covert narc. Narcs get an extra buzz from their fuel supply coming from the formerly confident. Or, on the other hand, we could say that even at my most confident, I was still very insecure, so it was my APPEARING to be confident that attracted them. And they can sense when it is just a facade. I sure fooled a lot of people though.
You always amaze me, i did this without even knowing i had to do it, and it worked wonderfully,, better than i can even hoped for, thank you for your work Prof Vaknin ❤️
God bless you Sam Vaknin. The world is a better place because of you.
Thank you for that wonderful insight for the ending of your video was the best part which holds the key to freedom from the narcissist in my mind that I am no longer on the strings of his puppet mastery I take back my power and I run my show myself. I delegate the role however big or small that the narcissist plays in my life which in my case I need to eliminate all together However it will take time in order to do this but in the meantime I have a renewed mental strength and capacity to view The narcissist as a very minor player.
This was literally life changing information and I am Feeling so liberated by your words of encouragement as I had been completely sucked into the narcissist narrative of who I was in his mind which was draining and negative and hurtful harmful shameful as he found out my vulnerabilities and used them to my detriment to manipulate and control me in a very sad and twisted potential love affair That now has a name to it which is narcissistic abuse.
Though you like to reference Alice-in-Wonderland I tend to think of myself as Dorothy from the wizard of oz when Glenda the good witch tells her you have had the power all along To go home and I feel like I have been in this dream state for a while now being manipulated and controlled by forces outside of me that were stronger than I was and could not break free to get back to where I needed to be for my mental sanity Which was back in my Kansas my world my life my friends my job my way of thinking. all of that was taken away from me Because I fell in love with a man who was a demonic unfeeling hateful self loathing narcissist
Excellent advice, be whatever else he wanted you to be, I have been doing it intuitively for the last few weeks and i already see the change for the better! Snap out of the victimhood. Thank you for this video! This seemingly small piece of advice can be a life changer for many
You opened my eyes.
You are the leader in the subject of narcissism, no doubt. I just love your psychological breakdown of what happens when you merge with a narcissist.
My mind is BLOWN. He constantly manipulated my speech and I often felt that he was projecting everything on to me that he felt but wouldn’t say to his mother.
Dr. Vaknin, thank you so much for making these videos and sharing your research. Psalm 124:7 sums up my story but there is much healing to be done. So grateful for your help.
I love it when you smile, Prof Sam.
It is truly remarkable how accurately Dr. Vaknin describes the way this happens. Absolutely uncanny. Thank you, sir! Appreciate all of this.
Thank you Sam you are helping me so much. I really do appreciate your work
Professor Sam Vaknin, This was a Brilliant Video - In Such a Clear and Concise way I gained Incredible Understanding (it was actually confirming to what I have lived through a large portion of my adult life yet but did not Truly understand). As I have been on my Healing journey...I have watched hours of videos but only recently found and subscribed to your Channel. Without realizing this was the right thing to do - I had taken over as Director of the play and make Every line, thought, and bit of the play Fit into my Script Alone...the narc is very much a prop. I find that my play is sort of a Real life Endurance ( Exploration..real time, Heartwarming Story with Love and Respect for the other Actors...there is Much Humor and Laughter especially when the insignificant props get out of line) I Hope this makes some sense. You have Now Helped me to know that my Play ( me as Director) will continue, I was uncomfortable with just the victim thought, I Desire to Live a Full Life and this just made me feel as though the narc still was stealing from me. A Million Thanks for Sharing your Gifts with the World.
Double yummy 😂😂😂 or double whammy 😅. Thank you for sharing your knowledge. Very interesting and helpful!
Thank you so much I listen to you everyday.
Thank you, Sam.
Love this! ❤I recognize some of the Hebrew you used from my psalms prayers I recently learned! 😊 the individuation process is exactly what I needed, too! Thank you for your work! ❤
thank you, yes the biggest part of healing i find still, coming back to oneself is a huge relief and has helped heal a lot. I find it's like being given OCD from someone, the intrusive thoughts definition of it.
Thank you for taking the time to make this. One down. One more S.Vaknin pre-req to go, and then I'm diving into to scum pond holding my breath to recover my Atlantis from- as far as I have unearthed- three generations of Belgian ghoulish abuse. Passed from my great grandmother, to her daughter, to her daughter and finally to me. It's quite a tailing pond, let me assure you. But I'm ready to fight back. It's taken almost 2 years. But I am ready. Thank you. I am really appreciating your videos so much.
Ur so good at explaining my brain!
Wow this really has me thinking. Thank you!
All of this is 100% correct in my situation. So thankful for this explanation.
Luckily I am still alive thanks to videos on You T.and many- many hours explaining myself what had been happening in that relationship.
And very true at the end of it I had been acting and talking exactly as HIM.
Sam, thank you so much for everything you do. This video is brilliantly illuminating. Your insights on narcissism explain what for so many years has been utterly inexplicable. Deep gratitude.
This video is a golden nugget! So, the person with the narcissist is no longer home in the castle of her mind and ends up bringing to the world the exact manifestation of the bad version of her he had designed in his mind photo shop? It is like if they had teamed-up to sacrifice her and her life, as if they had conclued that the "play" was worth obliterate her and her life to let the character take place and manifest the play? Why and when does she make the choice to let the narcissist bind and take her superego to the dungeon then replace it by the introject? Is it during the inaugural idealization phase and for the benefit of the good things the shared fantasy was supposed to bring her? When she realizes it was a bad deal and wants to cut her losses and grow, is there additional techniques to bring the superego back faster in her mind and kick the introject out permanently? How long will this introject-mechanism can be operating? Does it explain why she cannot think or make even the smallest easy decision while being over the phone with the narcissist? This is so insane!
Very powerful video which articulated beautifully the narcissistic entanglement in an easy to understand manner
Good Morning Dr. Vaknin, I was thinking this about your work on Narcissim, and the wounding that occurs to prevent the development of true self / creation of false self and your work on cold therapy. I was wondering if you have done any videos on if the narcissist can ever truly access states of being loved or loving in any kind of authentic, safe or embodied way. My impression from your work is that in fact, this is not possible. You also made a video of "not healed"... which also points to this position as I interpret it. I have not yet read your book but am looking forward to doing so. Thank you again for all your tireless work, efforts, dedication and generosity. Bless You.
This is different, enlightening, powerful and empowering! Thanks for the time, trouble and leadership in this area and also for making this information available and accessible. Following from Africa.
If I ever manage to leave, it will be thanks to you. I do not feel strong enough yet..