💯 Or they describe you saying no to them as abuse. It's crazy making. And then when they have a narc cult of a family enabling this mindset it makes it even worse
I had a mild disagreement with my narcissist brother a few months ago. He acted very condescending throughout the conversation and at a certain point stopped trying to argue my case because it was going no where. Later, he went to my Mom, who was there during the disagreement, and told her that what I did to him was extremely disrespectful and that I scarred his children, who were also there during the disagreement. All that over a mild disagreement.
Yeah especially when you go into therapy with people who don't have a clue about narcissistic abuse. You'll get diagnosed with every damn thing in that book. You'll be giving pills that will make you 50 times crazier. And still be told there's something wrong with you. Never a word about narcissistic abuse
In my experience, they hide behind the Bible and religion, & the media. Saying there's worse abuse out there than what they're putting their victims through. I'd wish I was in foster care, my mother would find horrendous stories of abuse & show me the news clip- saying - "see? You think I'm so bad. Look at this. You better be happy for what you have here. Could be a lot worse somewhere else." Both my parents were narcissistic, & our living conditions growing up, cps should have taken us long ago. & Getting verbally abused on top of horrendous living conditions.
My Violent Ex ...."its your fault ,you made me so angry ! I never hit you ,dont lie , you need to stop playing the Victim" I got a Restraining order and left him 10 years ago, it still traumatises me unfortunately
They either play a hero and take credit for any things that weren't even their idea And over exaggerate anything good that they did or they play victim to never be accountable or responsible for any mistakes or abuse they caused. They are blinded that they are evil villains + cause so much turmoil
They know what they are and what they've done...often on their deathbeds they will try to give some weak apology. I just hope I'm not going where they're going I sincerely do.
Your advice to emotionally distance and detach is the only answer to this dynamic. I never address any issues with my narcissist anymore. They twist you into a pretzel. I no longer want to be that emotionally dysregulated by someone who doesn't want to hear how their behavior is affecting you. I am finding my peace. Thank you, Dr. C!!!
same here the more you explain and want resolve the gaslighting ramps up, so no contact is the only way to silence them and take away their toxic vortex
@@l.t.2356It truly is sad. I have to create distance from my older sister, after decades of abuse. It requires me to behave in a cold and gray manner, which doesn't represent my true self. It damages my own spirit to have to behave that way. Plus, I know it hurts her feelings. Also, I'm sad that I can't have a loving relationship with a sister, as part of my life. How nice that would be.
@@l.t.2356 I should add that it's also sad to know that she is telling other people that I'm cold and mean. She tells that to family members who live far away from me. I don't know how much they believe her; but it really hurts that they hear those things, and don't otherwise know me
@@flash_flood_areaI hear you!! I went no contact with my older sister and it took her 18 months to even notice 🤣🤣 Point being, try not to waste your precious time or energy on someone who can’t or won’t see you and value you as who you really are. It’s not worth the price you have to pay. I’ve found honesty is the best policy, and you can’t be honest with someone who doesn’t want to hear your point of view. I no longer waste my time (still get the accusations by and through other family members) and when someone brings her up, I tell them “I understand, I’ve forgiven her, and that doesn’t mean I’m willing to ‘do life’ with her. A 4th grader knows the way she’s treated me is wrong and if she doesn’t know that by now, she’s NOT going to hear it from someone she threw on the trash heap. I mean nothing to her so if you want it fixed, talk to her. Or just do what I do & say your prayers & let God take care of it. Then go and have a good day because that’s what God wants for us all.” ❤
Basically there’s no point in speaking up against this horrible abuse and injustice. It’s the biggest darkness in humanity. Because it’s hidden and nobody wants to address it. The minute you speak up and defend yourself all of a sudden you become the bad person and others take sides with the narcissist for some amazing reasons despite all the facts and evidence. That’s mind blowing!!!!
Yes, it's like the naughty kid that gets away with so much crap because no one's watching and they stir so much and shift the blame! No point telling others because you look like the complainer and the bad one. Evil soulless people
I totally agree! It is mind blowing!!!! My adult children have taken the narcs side… but he’s managed to get around them with his bs, they don’t see hat I see cause he’s so well behaved around everyone else, it’s sickening!! It’s Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde syndrome!!
During COVID I spent endless hours locked in my bathroom to get away from my husband. I stumbled across you and Dr. Ramani. After 40 years of embarrassment, disorienting confusion I FINALLY found out what I have been dealing with. That nothing made sense to what used to be a smart funny worthy person that was raised with dignity, civility, respect - this EUREKA MOMENT brought clarity!
Not to compare myself to your situation but you brought back memories. During Covid I spent almost two years mostly alone with my boss in a small office since I was the only full time employee. We have all met people with narcissistic personality disorder, but this former boss of mine fit the description if there ever was one. Too many sick details to go into. I found Les Carters channel during the last chaotic, mentally debilitating and denigrating months of working with her.
My mother, a horribly abusive and narcissistic (and/or bipolar) mother died 5 weeks ago. Her abuse reached out from the grave, when she left everything to her golden child (who claimed to be the black sheep. What??!) and trashed my brother and me in her will. I’m done. I’ve gone hardcore no contact with my siblings. My family will never be good. I feel like I’ve been paroled from a life sentence and I am at peace with my decisions.
😢. I'm the scapegoat to my mother. I am the oldest and only girl. I have an invisible child brother and a golden child brother. My mother is a passive aggressive, covert narcissist, who is 86 years old. I'm expecting her to do the same. Feel you!
@@hallelujah969 I’m very sorry that you understand. I really am. Being raised in abject chaos, I wondered if I could handle the calm. With the help of a good therapist, I’m discovering I can. Both of my children are onboard with my decisions and I’m grateful. They were upset that I never stood up for myself. I wish you nothing but the best! ❤️
Dear Rhonda, I feel the same way about my family. I also paroled myself from my horrible mother and felt wonderful for doing so. Never feel bad about protecting yourself and those who don't agree with you , too bad for them. Take care.
Cab drivers say that verbal abuse is the precursor to physical abuse. When a fare (customer/passenger) becomes verbally abusive, they pull the cab over and out the passenger goes, and that's why.
At the end of our relationship when I exposed his use to his mom trying to save his life she says- are you sure it’s just not the stress? 🤯😱🤬 So you’re going to ignore him almost losing his life so you can keep up the family image???? 😫😤
Narcs don't consider any of their behavior as abuse , but are certainly going to show You where You have caused Them pain and how You are abusive and need Help .
Narcissist justify abuse by wanting their victims to look like the problem, or the bad guy, " the crazy one". They will use the other person reaction as a weapon against them. Gossip, smear campaign and false accusations all to Esacpe the responsibility of the abuse. They play victims
My mother used to say, be glad I brought you into this world, as if she purposed in her heart for a good thing. @ the time I didn’t appreciate it, because I wasn’t saved then. And now I completely see what her problem was. Sadly, she was in denial of her own issues, so it’s better for her sake to shift them of to me, by proxy: my sister was the Golden Child who could do no wrong & I was their Scape Goat, carrying their heavy burdens of life. @ times, I was even the mother, who kicked to unwanted grown (grown size wise) men out of our home. As dad wasn’t around to do it (I was fatherless) & my mother caved, regarding responsibility: so I had to take over: I was probably 17 @ the time.
@@kre8504my mother always played the victim to my 2 sisters. Unfortunately, my sisters are the flying monkeys, even after mom has passed. They are still brainwashed from mom.
Our Narcissist died three days ago. This is going to sound terrible but after seven years of (Hell on Earth) we are finally free. We discovered your channel by accident a few years ago. Looking for answers, guidence and reasons for the situation we were in. Every episode you have posted perfectly describes our experiences and the advice you have given has been a great help. Thank you so much for the efforts you make to help people stuck in this toxic pit.
It only sounds terrible to people who haven't gone through the hell of trying to make a relationship work with a narcissist. They are true demons in the flesh, and I'm glad you're finally free.
My ex has a magical reset button and every time he tries to justify, his version of the abuse is different and less severe until his magic button completely deletes it. So, frustrating how he goes back into his alternate reality and comes back and tells me how he is a "good man" and "deserves better" as if he never did anything to begin with. The cycle has always been: He gets triggered by the smallest things or misinterprets, proceeds to use me as an emotional punching bag (berating me, baiting me, making me feel less than), and then hits that "button" the next day.
After 25 years with my narcissistic husband, I ended up on a downward spiral. The last two years he ignored me except to emotionally destroy me. One night in a rage he choked me to the point I thought I might die, and at that moment I didn't think that would be bad compared to what I was living with. My daughter came and got me, the trauma bond was so great I think if she hadn't, I might still be there or dead. These people are the definition of evil, and they hide in plain sight, so nice to everyone else, people think they are great.. they use and discard when they have sucked the very life out of you. I made it out, barely.
You're lucky you had a daughter to support you. When I finally ran for my life after 46 years, mine utterly rejected me because - get this - I had "sent my father to jail." Flying monkeys at their best.
Classic phrase, “you’re the only person who makes me act this way!” But he forgets that his ex-wife screamed that he was abusive to her in court, that his relationships before me only lasted a few months, and anything that I do, including breathing, triggers his frustration with me. It helps to know I’m not alone by reading these comments, but it’s scary that so many people are experiencing the same situation.
I had witnesses in the courtroom from my own brother to his golf buddies, all of whom had known him for at least 30 years, and testified to his behavior. Later, his former boss told me he had verbally abused every woman who worked with him. My daughters never heard any of that. Needless to say, he is persona non grata here now except for new acquaintances and my daughters who "saved" him from me (I blew his cover and "put my father in jail"). He now lives in another state with a completely made-up grandiose past chasing old ladies around (he's pushing 80), while I'm living very well, healthier than I have been in decades, with good friends and finishing up my PhD. Good riddance.
I was told that I "need to let go of the past." Nevermind that the argument was 2 days prior and (of course) had been just glossed over with no apology or acknowledgement.
They have all kinds of convoluted carnival rides at their disposal. Another one that this reminds me of is the hall of mirrors 🪞. Sometimes it's a perfect you, gorgeous, elegant, sophisticated etc, sometimes you're disfigured, lumpy, stretched-compressed, but you're never you. You're never the real you, not to say anything how your inner life isn't even taken in. It's this or that version of your reflection, but it can drive you crazy if you let go of your real self, so don't. Know yourself and don't go into their zombie-attack game.
I have been waiting for justice almost 68 years now. At this point, It may only happen when we all enter eternity. But one thing is certain, no one hell bent on destroying me or anyone else through scapegoating, malicious gossip aimed at destroying my reputation or relationships and isolating me for no other reason than their hatred and pride will have to meet God one day and His judgement will demand justice🙏
The best Justice is too never have too interawith them again. You can’t Win they see it as a Game You shouldn’t your concern should be your health and you can only keep that intact by Zero Contact with them.
I love the way they go out of THEIR way to do you a favor when you really didn't need help and then use that as a weapon against you in front of others in public because of your selfishness and spite not to have repaid the favor back 10x over only to play the victim when you try to reason. They have an inflatable EGO that is never satisfied. peace
Thank you, Dr. Carter. Their thinking is Pretzel Logic. That is why this has been so baffling to me the past 45 plus years in dealing with the person I have never been able to get through to. It has left me feeling frustrated, but your videos and advice have been a Huge Blessing for me to put all of the past 45 years in perspective. Thank you so much! Love to Gus! He is such a cutie!
I tried to tell the narc once, in a quiet, super-calm voice, that it's really offensive the way she speaks to me and insults me constantly. Like a 3 yr old having a tantrum, she suddenly threw her head back burst out into tears and screamed, "I AM NOT ABUSIIIIIIIIVE!!!!!". It was incredibly bizarre to witness but I thought it extremely interesting that she chose that word; I didn't use that word but she knew *exactly* what she was doing. Quite a confession.
Once I cut contact to texts, I began to heal. It was the first firm boundary I put up. I felt I had some control. The emotions began to subside, as I was battling anger and woundedness. I couldnt find "a way" to think or feel about him. Now its simply a decision to stay away from a very harmful individual. They keep you trapped. Finding out that harming me brought him satisfaction, was astounding, but it lead me here.
Spot on! It is amazing how much "ammunition" they are able to collect and hurl at anyone who calls out any of their abusive behavior! Arguing/discussing any issues with them is pointless. "They don't have a handle on who you are..." ❤
I still don't understand how could he do that... I welcomed him, accepted him, spent so many nights comforting him, and when I expressed how I felt and how much I suffer because of his treatment of me, and yes, I was hurt and angry, but, never called him names, he verbally abused, called me awful, just unspeakably awful names, and in the end, said how it's just a matter of incompatibility, and how I was abusive toward him and didn't accomodate his needs. I'm devastated, I don't understand the twisting of the reality.
I got verbally assaulted and had trash thrown in my face when the narcissists were asked how I’ve been. They constantly want to deflect their shame onto me and are extremely fearful that I’m ready to speak about their abuse to those who assume they are such kind, and caring people. I can’t imagine how they answered that question, without dropping their mask’s of uderconterpt towards me.
The pattern in my relationship with a narcissist was this: Something I said would make him mad and bring on an avalanche of verbal abuse. He would say the most vile things, and attack me as a person and I would leave. Then if I wanted to return, I would have to take the blame for leaving. This worked for fifteen years, until the last time, when I didn't come back, and haven't had contact with him since.
My husband took over my therapy session to “give his side of the story “. He put on an academy award winning performance, swearing he would do ANYTHING to fix the situation. I sat there silently in tears. At the end of the session my therapist told him to get a DV evaluation and of course my husband refused. He left first and my counselor told me that if he refused help there was really nothing more he could do to help me. He wasn’t the first therapist to encourage me to leave. Now I am kicking myself for not doing it because I am completely dependent on my husband now and I’m stuck with him.
I'm sorry he's being such a .... narcissist. I'm living it too, 34 years and counting. BUT: you are NOT stuck with him! Depending on which state you live in, if you file for divorce, all of your assets are community property. You have a right to divorce, and you don't have to prove anything. You just get your fair share (hopefully), and get out. It takes time, patience, and lots of courage; it can be done. Make your plan quietly, in advance, and walk to your freedom. Good luck!
@lindaetherton5828 Do you have friends, relatives, anyone who could help you out? I'm sorry your situation is so hard. Did you consider going to a shelter? Anything to get away. He will keep sucking your life energy out of you as long as you're around.
Don't blame yourself. You didn't know what narcissism is, you did not ask for this. I hope you can find yourself and some peace. Dr Carter addresses living with a narcissist. My best wishes to you! ❤
Hopefully you can draw social security and work part-time if needed. You can speak to your area Aging for seniors group for resources and advice.@@lindaetherton5828
When I was growing up in a horribly dysfunctional narcissistic family I thought only physical abuse was abuse. Not until I crashed and went into therapy did I understand about mental emotional financial and all the other ways they do.
Are there many known cases of narcs actually mU£d€£iNG? Anyone actually know? Always wondered bc yaaa def cold, callous and vengeful for it.. but the immer and overwhelming center cowardly child aka another name for a lady🐩 (if male, female doesn't work as well🤷🏼♀️) seems like controlled lor not it ultimately take the situation over resulting in: yaaa... no life sentences that day for any1! Horray!🎉
@Charmainecharmainecharmaine cool thanks for sharing all that although I don't remember asking but 👍 now that I know that, I think maybe I can die happy now LMAO! But for real, I agree with u, the whole username thang.. bc as mine describes me (as you said, bc Idk how or even when this happend but somehow you know me well enough 2make that or any accusation, ok guess I'll uhh go along with that 'story' if that's what u want bc really idgaf how we play make believe bc that's literally what ur doing but oOokkk ur life u do u boo n own it!) But ya your username you as well! Makes little to no sense, messy AF, def not proper in any way/shape/form & really just kinda a big stupid ( illiterate bc that 1 long@$$ word don't spell nuthin'! Hell makes me wonder if they know all their ABCs bc like only 4/26letters of the alphabet being utilized here n we are not still in grade school, right? Bc ima feeel bad being mean to a lil kid maybe😬) looking bunch of nonsensical looking repetitive AF word salad weird, dyslexic child attempt at a spelling test kinda mess is this?! Just makes absolutely no sense to me N never will bc I can only dumb myself down so much n it just ain't enough to get on that same logical level, just exactly like the religious stuff as a matter of fact! Same dammm thang... But you, you really own all of that! So like I said... you do you boo! Own it bc I most certainly am not able to! You do it naturally and just so much better than me! Ur a star! So go shine!
@@Groundwater24 or how the real victims are labeled unstable, schizophrenic, depressed… when it is all from the mistreatment and manipulation. Prayers for all the saints of the world, long gone and still alive. ❤️❤️
@@Ayebaybaye Indeed!! The ex-wife convinced family & friends I was the maniac, while she covertly grinned at me as I lost my home & children and almost just another statistic. Jesus Christ & Almighty God saved me and I will always be eternally grateful. I firmly believe we all had to go through this torture as so we could raise awareness of these destructive types who are very poorly. As Jesus saved Mary Magdalene from devils in her, I am convinced these types have demons in them, too. This is spiritual warfare and we are part of it. Deliverance could save them as God loves all his children BUT….Mark 16:16 All the best and God loves you.
My dad is the narcissist and the source of the trouble. He won't take any blame/responsibility. He's dismissive and can't stand for me to say no to him. His attitude; his problem. I don't bother with him, for my own protection.
Gus is a bit addictive. I think if ever Team Healthy got to meet Gus in person the lovely fellow would be petted until he passed out or his tail fell off from wagging.
12:01 No one deserves abuse. It’s videos like this that, quite frankly,save lives. Dealing with the narcissist is beyond anything any of us can imagine, especially when we have hearts to love and adore others. I’m praying for all of you just as I’m praying for myself.
These types of folks are truly emotionally challenged constantly - I don’t engage, respond or defend myself . I look them in the eye, saying nothing and then walk away.
There is no excuse for abuse, ever. And the narcissist’s justification of abuse of is a major insult - like a slap in the face. We are not to teach adults how to behave and treat others with dignity, respect and civility. What we can do is to disengage, walk away and leave them in silence. Thank you for your invaluable help and support dr Carter ❤
Dr. Les, your videos are currently one of the only things that make me feel sane. You point out so many patterns that match up exactly with my abuser, that they have become highly predictable. I've been quietly quitting the relationship for a long time now, but I'm no longer afraid that I'm the abuser that I've been made out to be and I've grown a lot more accustomed to standing up for myself in the face of these tactics. I love my abuser very much, but after 3 years of trying every possible way I can think of to communicate with this person I am realizing that I can only change my own patterns and behavior. Sadly this means I likely will continue to disengage with this person as amicably and stoically as possible until there is no relationship left. It doesn't feel good to learn that love and compassion are not enough to make someone change, and inevitably are only going to be used against me in the long run to foster additional supply. I just wanted to say thank you. I know I'm not alone in saying this; you've really helped change my life for the better.
I had to glance up at the name to see if I had written it! This is exactly my situation. Looking forward to when I get Social Security next year; I'll direct it to a new account and find a senior apartment.
This behaviour needs to be trained in the police department with new officers and judges in the courts, because they look on the side of the manipulator and the victim see’s that they will never be protected. Until narcissistic laws get put on the books then many more abuse charges and even murder’s will grow.
Misdemeanor crimes need to be looked at to see if they fit broader crimes like stalking, harassment, white collar crimes, and terrorism. The DA’s and police need to understand a misdemeanor is usually a red flag that there is a bigger picture going on, but especially when the victim tells them. Why break into someone’s house and steal a book? Anyone who has even been to a city council meeting in America knows political intimidation starts with misdemeanors by disposable flying monkeys. Legislators should work backwards, assuming the goal is the DISSOCIATE the victim so that the victim is walking dead.
"Well you did this and said that!"... After I called the former "friend" out on his foul behavior toward me. After 10 plus yrs, that was the beginning of the end for me. After the last abusive relationship I've just ended at that time, there was no way I was gonna put up with that behavior again from ANYONE!
"You had it coming" . Translation: " You reacted to my tartgetting, stalking, information abuse, Smear campaign, Flying Monkkeys, isolation, triangulation, financial, psychological, emotional, physical abuse...So naturally i had i to deal with you the way a narcissistist does because that's my capacity for problem solving, making it worse by using my blunt tools that were the problem in the first place ". Thanks Dr. Carter.
My ex-narc declared that she could do or say whatever she pleased -- and if I took offense -- then *THAT IS YOUR PROBLEM*. Feels so good to be delivered of that.
I’d like to add that there is always a reason for things people do or say including abuse but never an excuse for it. I have done some terrible things and I have my reasons but not excusable. Learning your reasons but giving up excuses is the path to change.
I’ve experienced a lot of the episodic abuse. Everything is fine for months and then I’ll get tangled into some random argument that my parents bring up. And then it’s like I have no idea what just happened. And afterwards it’s like the worst feeling of shame and depression. Like something got torn out of you
I was a spouse of 1, so lil diff dynamic that parent(s), but twords the end of my almost 2yrs of hell on earth, I'd just walk away... literally walk off, on down the road leaving him at the home I soley owned, idk for 3-4hrs enough 4him 2be mad, chill out n mostly get over the rage, then just casually return home not bringing it back up.. sometimes in the a.m. hours, didn't matter what time.. that BS be starting up, bubye I'm going on a walk and my phone gonna be off... don't worry I'm ok and not cheating like you always assume I am bc you are...I'll see ya in a few hrs enjoy ur alone time ✌️✌️✌️ & the calmly walking away from the situation for awhile and pretending it never happened as much as possible was pretty simple and effective enough it for sure prevented some physical abuse...v1 time as I was walking off my front porch to get on outta there, guess I wasn't fast enough lol, bc the punk did nail the side of my face with a full bottle of spray paint, but heyyy... better than another broken bone! Uhhgggg...🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️
The constant loop of fear/rage/envy then revenge & denial keeps the narcissist stuck in infancy… unable to separate & become an empowered individual with insight as well as emotional immaturity. Everyone eventually becomes the victim in an intimate relationship though I’ve found that the mother often refuses to see the truth about the preadolescent child in the adult. Instead the rest of us get used as secondary mommy supply if we enable this toxic behavior
Even if we don't enable it, we still end up as victim of their unregulated emotional drives. Anyone who is standing too closely to them - not protected by hierarchical status above them, is at risk of becoming the target. Only things you can do is: Keep as much distance away from them as you can (physical + emotional), try to avoid being dependent on them as much as you can muster + be correct & clear towards them ... and document the hell out of possibly dicey situations ...
Narcissistic parents unconsciously generate narcissistic offspring, especially if they are followers of any religion or culture that brainwashed them into believing the delusion that they are "a chosen people superior to all other people"...
Coming from both parents 1 sibling, 2 grandparents malignant NPD family... it is a sad life. We are the chameleons not them. We go around changing into the moment to satisfy their needs while altering our every move just to survive. We have to get over the fact they just aren't into us and let it go. Now we can focus on Loving ourselves in order to love and help those that need us.
My late husband frequently snarled the mandate, "You need to listen to me!" Many years ago he ordered me to do something in the kitchen. I refused. It was late, I had work in the morning. He wrapped a dish towel around my neck & lowered me to the floor. He had a look of glee on his face as he did this. Just last week, I spoke of this in a conversation that went quickly south. I was told that my husband had good qualities & was a great provider. So...a physical assault was not a big deal? I'm still unnerved by this conversation. This person is, like my late husband, very narcissistic. No one has suffered more, accomplished more or knows more. I'm unnecessary in the conversation. I've been a fool for a very long time with multiple sainted individuals.
Justification comes the easiest way with blameshifting, which is giving away all responsibility to another person, which originally belongs to them. Remember my mother saying this to me over and over again, "You yourself have chosen your parents!!!"
I'm new. Can't figure put how to comment yet. Tho I'm always blamed for everything then abused when I stand up for myself. Not sure if he's a narcissist, but his mother said he was... only after 7 years after being married. Any suggestions? I'm at my wits end
Yes! My Mum said the same to me, tried to brainwash me with her twisted religious/new age beliefs. I do not see her in person anymore, only communication by post and text. She has mocked my autism and mental health issues and been nice to me at other times. I am seeking outside help.
It's as if you were in our house today *Dec 6 2024* He's a mental health professional & knows how to twist things. Each example you spoke... I heard today. This video is a great gift 🎉
How can a therapist tell who is the victim and who's the narcissist? Knowing that a mistake will have the worst possible concequences for the victim. I refused therapy with my ex wife and children because of this. I knew she would finish me if I did. She's so scary smart. What really hurts me, as a victim of nearly 25 years of covert narcissistic abuse, is that she tricked my children into believing that I'm the bad guy. Even 'proving' this, by explaining that I am the one who is in denial, projecting, blame shifting, refusing therapy and what not. I know I did things wrong as a father and a husband. I did get frustrated and angry and I did yell, after being gaslit and triangulated for all those years. I feel terrible for doing so, but I was surviving and at my wits end. (Or am I in denial and blameshifting now?) You can never win from a narcissist and I'm really concerned that therapists will pick the wrong side, especially because: what I just said, is exactly what she would say as a lie to prove me wrong... How can I ever defend myself? The only real proof I have, ironically, is that no one believes me.
This is so helpful thanks for doing this. I have been NC for years and the family just found my address, sent a friend to my door, then mail. I needed to be reminded they aren't sorry and still don't care.❤
Doctor Carter. I've been a supporter and a listener for years. I'm so grateful to you. You lead this with compassion for those of us who have truly struggled with this type of behavior. For me, the moment of enlightenment came when I realized that the tricks no longer served my good sense of self and that I had a right to grow into an emotionally strong, mature woman. These badly behaved individuals are stuck in a childish mentality. Fighting back because they refuse to grow and they want someone, like-minded to do the same. It's hard to step away from responding to that behavior. For years, my response had to defend myself, but in reality, they didn't care. They just wanted me to feel bad and to remind me that they were in charge. A child in charge? I don't think so. I hope our community can see it for what it is, a badly behaved child who wants you to fight back. Thank you for Carter. Honestly, I'm so thankful for you and the community!
The narc in my life said, "you got what you got" injury om injury. The narc went go jail for it but it's still my fault...every single thing you expressed here I experienced. All those tactics were used.
**Dr. Carter: I have experienced this all my life from various family members (admitting jealousy later) my marriage and now 2 neighbors! 50 years of wonderful neighbors and now this At 64 years of age! I finally found a good counselor but she resigned mid-way. Then I found you and Dr. Romani (sp?). And have referred your podcasts to others. A BIG, heartfelt thank you.
It's worse when you confide in a friend or family member and they gaslight you with "Oh, they never meant it" or "What did you do to cause it?" Never forget that "If they never meant it, they would have never done it, time and time again." Abuse is consistent and purposeful, and you don't deserve it.
This is exactly what my narc brother does. Those three parts happen again and again and again. I refuse to do the hamster wheel with him any longer. I went no contact four years ago. It has made a massive difference.
(...ye, and the narcissist's Projection & Mirroring "combo" can be an exceptionally casual disorienting trick -stealing who and how you are, and forcing onto you -who and how they are! //Like a three card monte trick?) 11:49 *"...don't let narcissists be your filter system -that you grade yourself through!* *...They do not have a good handle on who you are!"* For so many, a filtered sense of self, is the sense of normality! And "true self" feels out of place /unacknowledged! 12:06 "...their abusive, condescending behavior towards you, does not take away in any way -your inherent worth!" These words were about the most touching that I've heard in several decades! Thank you so very much Dr. Carter.
Wow. Such great insights ! Thank you. When you said that the justifications are part of and an extension of the abuse, that was a real epiphany for me. I just received 2 letters from a narcissist that I have to take to court for fraud and he uses all of the justifications, denials and insults that you described. The fact that these justifications are simply a continuation if the abuse helps me put them in perspective. Thank you ! I can't believe that the judge is going to read those letters because he submitted them. Why he would do that seems to illustrate the psychological laziness and immaturity that you talk about in your other videos.
Dr C - thank you from the depths of my heart. You are helping me process the physical, emotional and mental abuse from my ex. It’s not my fault. He gaslit me into believing him hitting me was my fault. Even when I was pregnant.
Thank-you so much, Dr. Carter. Having a narcissistic ex-husband first deny and then blame me and justify cheating on me has been so painful. It's still painful and unbelievable to me. Thank-you for letting us know that justifying is abuse, too. No wonder the justifying hurt so badly as well. Another issue is he doesn't remember any of the times he was cruel and said cruel things. However, he easily remembers when I question him or have challenged him when he was cruel to me. He only remembers what I said and not what led up to my questions. I needed clarification about something that was so horrific - lies he said to me that caused me several emotional meltdowns. He doesn't have any memory of what he said that caused the meltdowns, what happened during the emotional meltdowns, that he has no memory of saying to me he would rather protect his lies than to end my suffering, but he remembers my questions after I realized what he had done to me. I asked questions because I needed the truth.
It’s devastating when your sibling is the narcissist! 😢 I’m only just really coming to terms with this and I’m 46 years old! I don’t even know how to navigate! We live in the same town and my mother lives with me and is in contact with him as she feels a mother can’t give up on her child. His wife is definitely BPD and they are the most draining people you could ever be around! 💔
On Friday he called the police on me. I did predict this but figured he might wait but he's impulsive. Last month I reported him to the state's medical board, he's a doctor (illegal activity). He's denying all of it, but I've turned in evidence. We'll see if I make it to the next video.
Thanks so much. My daughter is becoming bonded with her sadistic narcissistic father who she tried to break with . She stopped counseling because they told her to stop having relationship w her dad. Now she’s turning against her family that loves her!! This is helping my husband and i but she is beginning to change in a negative way (18 yrs old) 😢
I have seen some of your videos and they resonate strongly with me. My mother passed away more than 7 months ago and we’ve been living with a narcissistic person, my farther, for decades. It’s just my brother and I but he’s living away from home and would never live with my father. Now that his wife has passed, I fear he will try to do the same he did to her but I won’t allow it. We’ve gotten in heated arguments but I usually diffuse them by ultimately becoming calm and understanding. I have even spoken face to face with him during an argument, so that he knows I don’t fear or ignore him. He was abused when young but I won’t allow that to be used as an excuse. He’s 89 and very healthy and cognizant. He only has mild hearing problems and sometimes continues talking after barely listening the person he’s communicating with. It makes people feel that he’s just talking for the sake of talking. He isn’t as bad as some and we are at peace 95% of the time. Prior to my mother’s passing, it was very tense because I was her primary caregiver for 11 years. She told me several times not to leave her alone with him. Prior to being her caregiver, I lived abroad for 13 years and was very independent. Now it seems that I may be my father’s caregiver by default. I take care of the bills and other things because he doesn’t use the internet. But I yearn to go abroad again and I just might do that. But I don’t want to live just for me. I want to be balanced. I go to the gym 3x a week to weight train and swim. So we aren’t in each other’s space which can naturally lead to conflict no matter the relationship between two or more individuals. We’re taking our time to eventually sell this house. My dad has to constantly be doing something which I believe is due to fear of dealing with his inner self. He thinks people admire his hard work and being busy at his age. Sadly they don’t. He severely hurt his hand while I was home last week but didn’t hear because I was vacuuming and had ear buds. When I finally heard him screaming my name for help, he looked so helpless and frightening. I later told him it’s a sign and that he needs to think about why this happened. He also says some jokes that aren’t funny. It’s like he’s trying to be someone else. Your videos have given me insight as to why he will sometimes criticize me for not being joyful and that I need to get over my mother’s passing. I already told him he will have to deal with my character because I’m not going to change. I’m comfortable with myself and don’t have the need to pretend to be happy just to gain other people’s approval and praise. My mother always said that about him because of emotional and physical abuse by his father and siblings. They tormented him as a child but that doesn’t mean anyone should excuse similar abusive behavior (albeit much more toned down) perpetuated by him.
This is sad and sucks in everyway, everyday. It does not have to be this way. Can't we all get along? I know the answer, yet, here I stand, still in hope.
It's like you took the playbook of my life and put it into this video. Word for word. And it has been ten times worse going through a divorce with him, trying to get out. Thank you for bringing awareness and validity to situations like mine! I so appreciate your work!
Every abusive action was my fault….”Why do you make me do it”. Started on the wedding nite, left after 18 months, that was 50 years ago. Took a few years to recognize what a narcissist he was, never looked back. So, so toxic.
My narcissists never admitted they abused me in the first place. Now that I have proof right under their noses, they've decided they hate me for telling it. It caused me to not be able to work at a normal job, and it's lifelong "nonaccidental traumatic brain injury." They're almost all malignant & now I'm having flashbacks of my terrifying childhood, bc of the loony-toons incoming Kabinet. It's so obviously malignant that I'm in full anxiety mode. I feel like I'm going to have a full nervous breakdown and end up in a padded room for 4 years.
My father(narc) relates to every trait and does e erything u describe. "To the tee" He told me once ,when I had been gas lit, that he never wants to hear what I say bc he knows it, it's wrong, or I just don't care. SMH Ur vids are one of the best vids about narcasist. I watch them to help me cope. This immediate family is going to have a tragic end, I feel it getting closer and closer. Thanks for ur vids. So Much.
Thank you, Dr. Carter, for all your excellent work in the narcissism and abuse fields. You articulate all the many ways the narcissist tries to get his victim off track better than anyone else. After suffering for many years in my family of origin and marriage, I am happy to say I am finally leading a life of joy and contentment! It is very possible if you keep doing the work and listening to positive, uplifting messages such as yours. I also enjoy watching Gus being so chill on your couch! Many blessings to you. 😊❤🙏
I have a younger sister whom I've come to realize (after listening to Dr. C) is a covert Narcissist. She has been verbally abusive and threatening and it has been difficult to deal with her as our parents have aged. She lived near our parents and sadly, she became the Durable PofA for both parents, even though both parents had been diagnosed with Dementia and Cognitive Impairment. Our father recently has passed and my sister's behaviors have gotten worse. It is really disheartening.
Let them believe what they want to. They are never going to admit the truth anyway. Stand in your reality. Keep a journal so you can validate your self worth and your sanity. There is no winning with these people they have been damaged through genetics and or life experiences. .Make your point. If they aren't listening to you Disengage... protect yourself the best you can..Have really good attorneys to back you up if a legal dispute should arise...it isn't your responsibility to find out what their issues are or what makes them tick leave if you can when it is safe to do so. . and never look back..
How does the narcissist even THINK of all the stuff they do? It blows my mind that my narc does all these things to me and I am just overwhelmed and isolated and I cry every night
Dr. C, your content has been life-changing, and I often revisit your videos for guidance. One suggestion I have is to add thumbnails to the UA-cam Shorts. Currently, it's difficult to find and revisit specific Shorts because they don't have thumbnails related to their topics, while the regular videos do. It would be so helpful if you could add thumbnails to the Shorts as well to make it easier to search for them. Thank you again for everything you do!
“I wouldn’t hit you if you stopped pissing me off!” “If you would just do what I say, I wouldn’t be forced to hit you.” He would beat me and when I cried he beat me some more because I was crying. What a f’ing monster! I divorced him 43 years ago and have reached my full potential ever since I got that monster out of my life.
I may have told this story before. Once we had a bad snowstorm and lost power for a week. We bought a generator and my SIL came with my daughter and granddaughter to help hook it up. As luck would have it, the glass cover to the gas logs fell and broke into a million pieces. We were using the gas logs to stay warm. I expressed concern about my granddaughter getting hurt over by them and wanted to turn them off until they left. My nex says "well, if she falls in that will teach her". My daughter and I just looked at each other flabbergasted. This is how they mistreat and abuse you. Of course you deserve it, don't you? He was like this even with his own children. Hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving Dr. C, Gus, and family! 🦃
I have said this before so it makes me question myself. I literally watched him fight and have crazy conflict with so many people and I rarely had/have conflict with people, so I truly meant it. He made me question myself so much that I needed my therapist and friends to help me reaffirm my identity. This stuff is tough. I still question myself possible narcissistic traits. I would want to heal whatever is broken. I never want to make someone feel the ways I have in this relationship. It’s crazy making.
There seems to be no good resolution or resolution period to things like NPD or BPD for their families. I'm in the sibling position. At least with drug addiction the person will either get better or overdose. Some other mental issues there can be positive resolutions whether therapy or medication or some combination. Not so with this madness. The only resolution I see is detaching myself from the whole thing and getting out of the way of a runaway train. Very sad and it upsets me.
Ironically, they are often very quick to call you standing up for yourself as abuse towards them.
💯
Or they describe you saying no to them as abuse. It's crazy making. And then when they have a narc cult of a family enabling this mindset it makes it even worse
I had a mild disagreement with my narcissist brother a few months ago. He acted very condescending throughout the conversation and at a certain point stopped trying to argue my case because it was going no where. Later, he went to my Mom, who was there during the disagreement, and told her that what I did to him was extremely disrespectful and that I scarred his children, who were also there during the disagreement. All that over a mild disagreement.
Absolutely
TRUTH!
“You’re raising your voice. I don’t feel safe. This is abusive behavior.”
Yes, they certainly do.
It's a double whammy to get gaslighted after being abused. 😰😰
Yeah especially when you go into therapy with people who don't have a clue about narcissistic abuse. You'll get diagnosed with every damn thing in that book. You'll be giving pills that will make you 50 times crazier. And still be told there's something wrong with you. Never a word about narcissistic abuse
That’s an understatement 😌
Insult to injury...
And they'll continue to double down on all of it
In my experience, they hide behind the Bible and religion, & the media. Saying there's worse abuse out there than what they're putting their victims through. I'd wish I was in foster care, my mother would find horrendous stories of abuse & show me the news clip- saying - "see? You think I'm so bad. Look at this. You better be happy for what you have here. Could be a lot worse somewhere else." Both my parents were narcissistic, & our living conditions growing up, cps should have taken us long ago. & Getting verbally abused on top of horrendous living conditions.
"If you hadn't provoked me, I wouldn't have done it".....
@@l.5832 That one's a classic!!! THEY never take responsibility for anything EVER!!! 🙄😯😳
"LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!"
My Violent Ex ...."its your fault ,you made me so angry ! I never hit you ,dont lie , you need to stop playing the Victim"
I got a Restraining order and left him 10 years ago, it still traumatises me unfortunately
Narcissists are self-aware. They absolutely know what they are doing. Their needs are all that matters to these people.
@@carolynhester537 spot on
💯💯💯💯💯 so True!
@@carolynhester537 mic
Their mindset is warped and self reflection is poorly developed.
They think they are entitled to hurt others who they think are not of use or no longer of use to them.
"I am the victim" is a narcissist's middle name.
Donald J. Trump = Donald, Ja ich bin das Opfer, Trump.
It works for me.
👍💯
They either play a hero and take credit for any things that weren't even their idea And over exaggerate anything good that they did or they play victim to never be accountable or responsible for any mistakes or abuse they caused. They are blinded that they are evil villains + cause so much turmoil
No victims in life, just willing participants. Walk away now you're an adult.
There’s no justification for abuse. Period.
Sure there is! Just ask `em! "You started it!", etc.. ;)
Just kidding! 😇
Only non-narcissistic people understand that.
Exactly.....anything else is pure B.S....
🙏 🙏 🙏
3rd day of period.
I resent the precious life energy and time these demons steal from us.
They know what they are and what they've done...often on their deathbeds they will try to give some weak apology. I just hope I'm not going where they're going I sincerely do.
INDEED !!!!!
Your advice to emotionally distance and detach is the only answer to this dynamic. I never address any issues with my narcissist anymore. They twist you into a pretzel. I no longer want to be that emotionally dysregulated by someone who doesn't want to hear how their behavior is affecting you. I am finding my peace. Thank you, Dr. C!!!
same here the more you explain and want resolve the gaslighting ramps up, so no contact is the only way to silence them and take away their toxic vortex
@@susannakotoff7095 When you distance yourself and say only what is necessary, you do take away their "Power!" Sad that it has to be this way.
@@l.t.2356It truly is sad. I have to create distance from my older sister, after decades of abuse. It requires me to behave in a cold and gray manner, which doesn't represent my true self. It damages my own spirit to have to behave that way. Plus, I know it hurts her feelings. Also, I'm sad that I can't have a loving relationship with a sister, as part of my life. How nice that would be.
@@l.t.2356 I should add that it's also sad to know that she is telling other people that I'm cold and mean. She tells that to family members who live far away from me. I don't know how much they believe her; but it really hurts that they hear those things, and don't otherwise know me
@@flash_flood_areaI hear you!! I went no contact with my older sister and it took her 18 months to even notice 🤣🤣 Point being, try not to waste your precious time or energy on someone who can’t or won’t see you and value you as who you really are. It’s not worth the price you have to pay. I’ve found honesty is the best policy, and you can’t be honest with someone who doesn’t want to hear your point of view. I no longer waste my time (still get the accusations by and through other family members) and when someone brings her up, I tell them “I understand, I’ve forgiven her, and that doesn’t mean I’m willing to ‘do life’ with her. A 4th grader knows the way she’s treated me is wrong and if she doesn’t know that by now, she’s NOT going to hear it from someone she threw on the trash heap. I mean nothing to her so if you want it fixed, talk to her. Or just do what I do & say your prayers & let God take care of it. Then go and have a good day because that’s what God wants for us all.” ❤
Basically there’s no point in speaking up against this horrible abuse and injustice. It’s the biggest darkness in humanity. Because it’s hidden and nobody wants to address it. The minute you speak up and defend yourself all of a sudden you become the bad person and others take sides with the narcissist for some amazing reasons despite all the facts and evidence. That’s mind blowing!!!!
Yes, it's like the naughty kid that gets away with so much crap because no one's watching and they stir so much and shift the blame! No point telling others because you look like the complainer and the bad one. Evil soulless people
Absolutely
@AMNBYT I speak up for my granddaughter since she was 3. Just tune 7, why I'm hated among the other reasons I'm never told about lol
I totally agree! It is mind blowing!!!! My adult children have taken the narcs side… but he’s managed to get around them with his bs, they don’t see hat I see cause he’s so well behaved around everyone else, it’s sickening!! It’s Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde syndrome!!
@cyndirutherford9626 I could give you advice, but my son's wife stalks me and my replies, screenshots them, and turns the tables to my son.
“All couples fight.” It’s not fighting when I don’t fight back. It’s an assault.
Good point.
It only takes one bully. That's not a fight.
4:01 *"...the justification is itself a continuation of the abuse."* Truth!
Dad acts if he is perfect and is critical; he needs to grow up and keep his unasked for dismissive comments/lectures to himself!
Mine says 'I just need to explain myself so you know where I'm coming from' as he turns everything onto me
During COVID I spent endless hours locked in my bathroom to get away from my husband. I stumbled across you and Dr. Ramani. After 40 years of embarrassment, disorienting confusion I FINALLY found out what I have been dealing with. That nothing made sense to what used to be a smart funny worthy person that was raised with dignity, civility, respect - this EUREKA MOMENT brought clarity!
@@rhondamarkem4182 mi too. The same here. Its amazing how they acts like a transcript
How are you doing now? Are you preparing your exit plan?
Not to compare myself to your situation but you brought back memories.
During Covid I spent almost two years mostly alone with my boss in a small office since I was the only full time employee. We have all met people with narcissistic personality disorder, but this former boss of mine fit the description if there ever was one. Too many sick details to go into. I found Les Carters channel during the last chaotic, mentally debilitating and denigrating months of working with her.
❤
My mother, a horribly abusive and narcissistic (and/or bipolar) mother died 5 weeks ago. Her abuse reached out from the grave, when she left everything to her golden child (who claimed to be the black sheep. What??!) and trashed my brother and me in her will.
I’m done. I’ve gone hardcore no contact with my siblings. My family will never be good.
I feel like I’ve been paroled from a life sentence and I am at peace with my decisions.
@rhondamock7628 Good for you! I wish you all the best in your new life!!!
🙏☘️🙏
😢. I'm the scapegoat to my mother. I am the oldest and only girl. I have an invisible child brother and a golden child brother. My mother is a passive aggressive, covert narcissist, who is 86 years old. I'm expecting her to do the same. Feel you!
@@hallelujah969 I’m very sorry that you understand. I really am.
Being raised in abject chaos, I wondered if I could handle the calm. With the help of a good therapist, I’m discovering I can.
Both of my children are onboard with my decisions and I’m grateful. They were upset that I never stood up for myself.
I wish you nothing but the best! ❤️
@@MarianneCatherine I’m happier than I’ve been in many years. It’s a foreign feeling. It’s nice.
Dear Rhonda,
I feel the same way about my family. I also paroled myself from my horrible mother and felt wonderful for doing so. Never feel bad about protecting yourself and those who don't agree with you , too bad for them. Take care.
The narc doesn't believe their treatment of you is abuse unless you have physical bruises, cuts, or broken bones!
Sooner or later it goes there. Every single time.
They won't even acknowledge it
Cab drivers say that verbal abuse is the precursor to physical abuse. When a fare (customer/passenger) becomes verbally abusive, they pull the cab over and out the passenger goes, and that's why.
Whoa. “don’t let them be the filter that you grade yourself through” 😮
I’m gonna be sitting with that all day omg
"I've been under a lot of stress lately". No apologies. No accountaility. Ever.
Me too! I'm so very sorry! We are never alone in our misery. Please take care, and God bless.🙏🫂🙏
Dad invalidates what I say if he even listens; I am done with his nonsense!
At the end of our relationship when I exposed his use to his mom trying to save his life she says- are you sure it’s just not the stress? 🤯😱🤬
So you’re going to ignore him almost losing his life so you can keep up the family image???? 😫😤
Everybody goes through periods of "a lot of stress." No excuse, Drill Sergeant.
NEVER EVER..
I walked away, that's how I deal with them now. I took myself out of equation !!
Narcs don't consider any of their behavior as abuse , but are certainly going to show You where You have caused Them pain and how You are abusive and need Help .
💯
@@texaspatty458 Yes..
Yes I I'm done I did my best and told I'm 100 percent responsible I'm done no more. 🫤🫤🫤
@@texaspatty458 oh 👋 😊
@@texaspatty458 Spot on 🎯❤️🩹
Narcissist justify abuse by wanting their victims to look like the problem, or the bad guy, " the crazy one". They will use the other person reaction as a weapon against them. Gossip, smear campaign and false accusations all to Esacpe the responsibility of the abuse. They play victims
My mother used to say, be glad I brought you into this world, as if she purposed in her heart for a good thing. @ the time I didn’t appreciate it, because I wasn’t saved then.
And now I completely see what her problem was. Sadly, she was in denial of her own issues, so it’s better for her sake to shift them of to me, by proxy: my sister was the Golden Child who could do no wrong & I was their Scape Goat, carrying their heavy burdens of life. @ times, I was even the mother, who kicked to unwanted grown (grown size wise) men out of our home. As dad wasn’t around to do it (I was fatherless) & my mother caved, regarding responsibility: so I had to take over: I was probably 17 @ the time.
They play the victim while claiming you are the one with the victim mentality. Deny and project.
@@douaa1934 This is 💯% true! Have had this experience in the past, and would not wish it on anyone who is not a narcissist.
@@kre8504my mother always played the victim to my 2 sisters. Unfortunately, my sisters are the flying monkeys, even after mom has passed. They are still brainwashed from mom.
what pieces of s**t are they?
Our Narcissist died three days ago. This is going to sound terrible but after seven years of (Hell on Earth) we are finally free. We discovered your channel by accident a few years ago. Looking for answers, guidence and reasons for the situation we were in. Every episode you have posted perfectly describes our experiences and the advice you have given has been a great help. Thank you so much for the efforts you make to help people stuck in this toxic pit.
🙏🙏🙏 It was no accident that you found this channel 🙏🙏🙏 Wishing you all the best 🙏🙏🙏
Mine has gr 4 glio... he'll be lucky if he goes another 18 mos.. so far he's doing ok.
Yes, FREEDOM at last! Love yourself!
It only sounds terrible to people who haven't gone through the hell of trying to make a relationship work with a narcissist. They are true demons in the flesh, and I'm glad you're finally free.
@@TimErwin 🙏
My ex has a magical reset button and every time he tries to justify, his version of the abuse is different and less severe until his magic button completely deletes it. So, frustrating how he goes back into his alternate reality and comes back and tells me how he is a "good man" and "deserves better" as if he never did anything to begin with. The cycle has always been: He gets triggered by the smallest things or misinterprets, proceeds to use me as an emotional punching bag (berating me, baiting me, making me feel less than), and then hits that "button" the next day.
@@PatriciaLuna-fn2zk That’s exactly what my husband does!
Have either of you started formulating a exit strategy?
Yes?!!
@@carpediem6431 right now I don’t even engage with him. I live in my apartment like he doesn’t exist. Can’t exit right now…
Mine has this too.
After 25 years with my narcissistic husband, I ended up on a downward spiral. The last two years he ignored me except to emotionally
destroy me. One night in a rage he choked me to the point I thought I might die, and at that moment I didn't think that would be bad
compared to what I was living with. My daughter came and got me, the trauma bond was so great I think if she hadn't, I might still be
there or dead. These people are the definition of evil, and they hide in plain sight, so nice to everyone else, people think they are great.. they
use and discard when they have sucked the very life out of you. I made it out, barely.
You're lucky you had a daughter to support you. When I finally ran for my life after 46 years, mine utterly rejected me because - get this - I had "sent my father to jail." Flying monkeys at their best.
Classic phrase, “you’re the only person who makes me act this way!” But he forgets that his ex-wife screamed that he was abusive to her in court, that his relationships before me only lasted a few months, and anything that I do, including breathing, triggers his frustration with me. It helps to know I’m not alone by reading these comments, but it’s scary that so many people are experiencing the same situation.
Preach! Triggered by you simply existing. Sounds pretty much spot on 👌
I had witnesses in the courtroom from my own brother to his golf buddies, all of whom had known him for at least 30 years, and testified to his behavior. Later, his former boss told me he had verbally abused every woman who worked with him. My daughters never heard any of that. Needless to say, he is persona non grata here now except for new acquaintances and my daughters who "saved" him from me (I blew his cover and "put my father in jail"). He now lives in another state with a completely made-up grandiose past chasing old ladies around (he's pushing 80), while I'm living very well, healthier than I have been in decades, with good friends and finishing up my PhD. Good riddance.
I can't believe this. This might be international phrase of them. I'm writing from Turkey and all narcicists i know used this phrase to me.
It's almost eerie how on point and predictable it all is.
yeah once you learn the patterns they are super predictable.
When I brought up the patterns I was told this -"Do you know what a self-fulfilling prophecy is?"
I was told that I "need to let go of the past." Nevermind that the argument was 2 days prior and (of course) had been just glossed over with no apology or acknowledgement.
That's also called DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
They have all kinds of convoluted carnival rides at their disposal. Another one that this reminds me of is the hall of mirrors 🪞. Sometimes it's a perfect you, gorgeous, elegant, sophisticated etc, sometimes you're disfigured, lumpy, stretched-compressed, but you're never you. You're never the real you, not to say anything how your inner life isn't even taken in. It's this or that version of your reflection, but it can drive you crazy if you let go of your real self, so don't. Know yourself and don't go into their zombie-attack game.
You are well acquainted with their abuse!❤
“Because I have to teach you/you need to learn”
Said the dult!!! 😂🙄😅
Yes!!! That one
@@TheAdventuresOfCollegeGiRL Yikes!
There is no excuse for abuse!!
Good day everyone! I hope everyone victimized by such people as narcissists get the justice they deserve! 🙏.
amen
I have been waiting for justice almost 68 years now. At this point, It may only happen when we all enter eternity. But one thing is certain, no one hell bent on destroying me or anyone else through scapegoating, malicious gossip aimed at destroying my reputation or relationships and isolating me for no other reason than their hatred and pride will have to meet God one day and His judgement will demand justice🙏
@@anacardinale5769 They will meet many obstacles.
The best Justice is too never have too interawith them again. You can’t Win they see it as a Game You shouldn’t your concern should be your health and you can only keep that intact by Zero Contact with them.
Peace :)
I love the way they go out of THEIR way to do you a favor when you really didn't need help and then use that as a weapon against you in front of others in public because of your selfishness and spite not to have repaid the favor back 10x over only to play the victim when you try to reason. They have an inflatable EGO that is never satisfied. peace
You cannot reason with these people 🙄 😲😳
Thank you, Dr. Carter. Their thinking is Pretzel Logic. That is why this has been so baffling to me the past 45 plus years in dealing with the person I have never been able to get through to. It has left me feeling frustrated, but your videos and advice have been a Huge Blessing for me to put all of the past 45 years in perspective. Thank you so much! Love to Gus! He is such a cutie!
Needed to hear this after was ambushed by my ex husband this weekend. I’m now no contact and our daughter is 18. No more abuse
When I brought up truly horrible things my narc spouse had done he wept and said " you just said I'm a bad person!" . Dude if the shoe fits.
I tried to tell the narc once, in a quiet, super-calm voice, that it's really offensive the way she speaks to me and insults me constantly. Like a 3 yr old having a tantrum, she suddenly threw her head back burst out into tears and screamed, "I AM NOT ABUSIIIIIIIIVE!!!!!". It was incredibly bizarre to witness but I thought it extremely interesting that she chose that word; I didn't use that word but she knew *exactly* what she was doing. Quite a confession.
Once I cut contact to texts, I began to heal. It was the first firm boundary I put up. I felt I had some control. The emotions began to subside, as I was battling anger and woundedness. I couldnt find "a way" to think or feel about him. Now its simply a decision to stay away from a very harmful individual. They keep you trapped. Finding out that harming me brought him satisfaction, was astounding, but it lead me here.
Spot on! It is amazing how much "ammunition" they are able to collect and hurl at anyone who calls out any of their abusive behavior! Arguing/discussing any issues with them is pointless.
"They don't have a handle on who you are..." ❤
I still don't understand how could he do that... I welcomed him, accepted him, spent so many nights comforting him, and when I expressed how I felt and how much I suffer because of his treatment of me, and yes, I was hurt and angry, but, never called him names, he verbally abused, called me awful, just unspeakably awful names, and in the end, said how it's just a matter of incompatibility, and how I was abusive toward him and didn't accomodate his needs. I'm devastated, I don't understand the twisting of the reality.
@@Esther15889 This just happened to me but the other way around with a woman, since I'm a guy.
@@Esther15889 this sounds very similar to my experience, as I'm sure it's similar to a lot of people's experience. You're not alone.
That's narcissism to a tee.
@@katherineg9396💯
This is all true. I’ve dealt with this a very long time. It’s amazing the peace I feel being away from him.
I got verbally assaulted and had trash thrown in my face when the narcissists were asked how I’ve been. They constantly want to deflect their shame onto me and are extremely fearful that I’m ready to speak about their abuse to those who assume they are such kind, and caring people. I can’t imagine how they answered that question, without dropping their mask’s of uderconterpt towards me.
The pattern in my relationship with a narcissist was this: Something I said would make him mad and bring on an avalanche of verbal abuse. He would say the most vile things, and attack me as a person and I would leave. Then if I wanted to return, I would have to take the blame for leaving. This worked for fifteen years, until the last time, when I didn't come back, and haven't had contact with him since.
My husband took over my therapy session to “give his side of the story “. He put on an academy award winning performance, swearing he would do ANYTHING to fix the situation. I sat there silently in tears. At the end of the session my therapist told him to get a DV evaluation and of course my husband refused. He left first and my counselor told me that if he refused help there was really nothing more he could do to help me. He wasn’t the first therapist to encourage me to leave. Now I am kicking myself for not doing it because I am completely dependent on my husband now and I’m stuck with him.
I'm sorry he's being such a .... narcissist. I'm living it too, 34 years and counting. BUT: you are NOT stuck with him! Depending on which state you live in, if you file for divorce, all of your assets are community property. You have a right to divorce, and you don't have to prove anything. You just get your fair share (hopefully), and get out. It takes time, patience, and lots of courage; it can be done. Make your plan quietly, in advance, and walk to your freedom. Good luck!
@ Thanks for the encouragement but unfortunately we have no assets. He’s a real POS. 43 of future faking. It’s my own fault.
@lindaetherton5828 Do you have friends, relatives, anyone who could help you out? I'm sorry your situation is so hard. Did you consider going to a shelter? Anything to get away. He will keep sucking your life energy out of you as long as you're around.
Don't blame yourself. You didn't know what narcissism is, you did not ask for this. I hope you can find yourself and some peace. Dr Carter addresses living with a narcissist. My best wishes to you! ❤
Hopefully you can draw social security and work part-time if needed. You can speak to your area Aging for seniors group for resources and advice.@@lindaetherton5828
When I was growing up in a horribly dysfunctional narcissistic family I thought only physical abuse was abuse. Not until I crashed and went into therapy did I understand about mental emotional financial and all the other ways they do.
🎯 👏 👏 👏 ❤️
I’m 2600 miles away
From the dis function 😂
And happy 😊
We must be kin!
Narcissists should be prevented from having their own family...
I love the way Gus ignores the blanket.
It's a guy thing.
@@SurvivingNarcissism or a Gus thing🤔
@@SurvivingNarcissismGus must be a covert Narcissist. 😆 🤣 😂
Gus is a loved and happy dog who likes to hear his master's voice.
His face is close to the blanket
I’ve seen too many good people die and even commit suicide from these insidious, ill creatures.
Are there many known cases of narcs actually mU£d€£iNG? Anyone actually know? Always wondered bc yaaa def cold, callous and vengeful for it.. but the immer and overwhelming center cowardly child aka another name for a lady🐩 (if male, female doesn't work as well🤷🏼♀️) seems like controlled lor not it ultimately take the situation over resulting in: yaaa... no life sentences that day for any1!
Horray!🎉
@Charmainecharmainecharmaine cool thanks for sharing all that although I don't remember asking but 👍 now that I know that, I think maybe I can die happy now LMAO! But for real, I agree with u, the whole username thang.. bc as mine describes me (as you said, bc Idk how or even when this happend but somehow you know me well enough 2make that or any accusation, ok guess I'll uhh go along with that 'story' if that's what u want bc really idgaf how we play make believe bc that's literally what ur doing but oOokkk ur life u do u boo n own it!) But ya your username you as well! Makes little to no sense, messy AF, def not proper in any way/shape/form & really just kinda a big stupid ( illiterate bc that 1 long@$$ word don't spell nuthin'! Hell makes me wonder if they know all their ABCs bc like only 4/26letters of the alphabet being utilized here n we are not still in grade school, right? Bc ima feeel bad being mean to a lil kid maybe😬) looking bunch of nonsensical looking repetitive AF word salad weird, dyslexic child attempt at a spelling test kinda mess is this?! Just makes absolutely no sense to me N never will bc I can only dumb myself down so much n it just ain't enough to get on that same logical level, just exactly like the religious stuff as a matter of fact! Same dammm thang... But you, you really own all of that! So like I said... you do you boo! Own it bc I most certainly am not able to! You do it naturally and just so much better than me! Ur a star! So go shine!
Just imagine the years gone by before this topic was highlighted. I shudder to think how many lives have been cut short as a result of these types.
@@Groundwater24 or how the real victims are labeled unstable, schizophrenic, depressed… when it is all from the mistreatment and manipulation. Prayers for all the saints of the world, long gone and still alive. ❤️❤️
@@Ayebaybaye Indeed!! The ex-wife convinced family & friends I was the maniac, while she covertly grinned at me as I lost my home & children and almost just another statistic. Jesus Christ & Almighty God saved me and I will always be eternally grateful. I firmly believe we all had to go through this torture as so we could raise awareness of these destructive types who are very poorly.
As Jesus saved Mary Magdalene from devils in her, I am convinced these types have demons in them, too. This is spiritual warfare and we are part of it. Deliverance could save them as God loves all his children BUT….Mark 16:16
All the best and God loves you.
She liked to unload her guilt trip onto me, as if it all was my fault, turning it around onto me. Shifting the blame onto me.
They are really like magicians with the blame shifting 🙀😲😳
My dad is the narcissist and the source of the trouble. He won't take any blame/responsibility. He's dismissive and can't stand for me to say no to him. His attitude; his problem. I don't bother with him, for my own protection.
@@MarianneCatherine they have a way of doing it, so we feel guilty for their issues of life. That’s for sure.
That dog is so chill.
Gus is a bit addictive. I think if ever Team Healthy got to meet Gus in person the lovely fellow would be petted until he passed out or his tail fell off from wagging.
No narcissism there
12:01 No one deserves abuse. It’s videos like this that, quite frankly,save lives. Dealing with the narcissist is beyond anything any of us can imagine, especially when we have hearts to love and adore others. I’m praying for all of you just as I’m praying for myself.
I just said a prayer for you. ❤
These types of folks are truly emotionally challenged constantly - I don’t engage, respond or defend myself . I look them in the eye, saying nothing and then walk away.
There is no excuse for abuse, ever. And the narcissist’s justification of abuse of is a major insult - like a slap in the face. We are not to teach adults how to behave and treat others with dignity, respect and civility. What we can do is to disengage, walk away and leave them in silence. Thank you for your invaluable help and support dr Carter ❤
Dr. Les, your videos are currently one of the only things that make me feel sane. You point out so many patterns that match up exactly with my abuser, that they have become highly predictable. I've been quietly quitting the relationship for a long time now, but I'm no longer afraid that I'm the abuser that I've been made out to be and I've grown a lot more accustomed to standing up for myself in the face of these tactics. I love my abuser very much, but after 3 years of trying every possible way I can think of to communicate with this person I am realizing that I can only change my own patterns and behavior. Sadly this means I likely will continue to disengage with this person as amicably and stoically as possible until there is no relationship left. It doesn't feel good to learn that love and compassion are not enough to make someone change, and inevitably are only going to be used against me in the long run to foster additional supply. I just wanted to say thank you. I know I'm not alone in saying this; you've really helped change my life for the better.
Your thank you means a lot to me. I wish you the best as you continue to grow!!
I had to glance up at the name to see if I had written it! This is exactly my situation. Looking forward to when I get Social Security next year; I'll direct it to a new account and find a senior apartment.
This behaviour needs to be trained in the police department with new officers and judges in the courts, because they look on the side of the manipulator and the victim see’s that they will never be protected. Until narcissistic laws get put on the books then many more abuse charges and even murder’s will grow.
Someone might say it's always been that way. That most murders are a result of narcissm.
Misdemeanor crimes need to be looked at to see if they fit broader crimes like stalking, harassment, white collar crimes, and terrorism. The DA’s and police need to understand a misdemeanor is usually a red flag that there is a bigger picture going on, but especially when the victim tells them. Why break into someone’s house and steal a book? Anyone who has even been to a city council meeting in America knows political intimidation starts with misdemeanors by disposable flying monkeys.
Legislators should work backwards, assuming the goal is the DISSOCIATE the victim so that the victim is walking dead.
And I totally agree! They need a framework to tell who the victim is or they will miss exculpatory evidence.
💯
Yes!!! The Gabby Petito/Brian Laundrie case comes to mind!
"Well you did this and said that!"... After I called the former "friend" out on his foul behavior toward me. After 10 plus yrs, that was the beginning of the end for me. After the last abusive relationship I've just ended at that time, there was no way I was gonna put up with that behavior again from ANYONE!
"You had it coming" .
Translation: " You reacted to my tartgetting, stalking, information abuse, Smear campaign, Flying Monkkeys, isolation, triangulation, financial, psychological, emotional, physical abuse...So naturally i had i to deal with you the way a narcissistist does because that's my capacity for problem solving, making it worse by using my blunt tools that were the problem in the first place ".
Thanks Dr. Carter.
My ex-narc declared that she could do or say whatever she pleased -- and if I took offense -- then *THAT IS YOUR PROBLEM*. Feels so good to be delivered of that.
I’d like to add that there is always a reason for things people do or say including abuse but never an excuse for it. I have done some terrible things and I have my reasons but not excusable. Learning your reasons but giving up excuses is the path to change.
Well stated.
I’ve experienced a lot of the episodic abuse. Everything is fine for months and then I’ll get tangled into some random argument that my parents bring up. And then it’s like I have no idea what just happened.
And afterwards it’s like the worst feeling of shame and depression. Like something got torn out of you
I was a spouse of 1, so lil diff dynamic that parent(s), but twords the end of my almost 2yrs of hell on earth, I'd just walk away... literally walk off, on down the road leaving him at the home I soley owned, idk for 3-4hrs enough 4him 2be mad, chill out n mostly get over the rage, then just casually return home not bringing it back up.. sometimes in the a.m. hours, didn't matter what time.. that BS be starting up, bubye I'm going on a walk and my phone gonna be off... don't worry I'm ok and not cheating like you always assume I am bc you are...I'll see ya in a few hrs enjoy ur alone time ✌️✌️✌️
& the calmly walking away from the situation for awhile and pretending it never happened as much as possible was pretty simple and effective enough it for sure prevented some physical abuse...v1 time as I was walking off my front porch to get on outta there, guess I wasn't fast enough lol, bc the punk did nail the side of my face with a full bottle of spray paint, but heyyy... better than another broken bone! Uhhgggg...🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️
"It's for your own good."
Oh god, how i hate that line ....
Their excuse and punishment for my having a different opinion than Dad does. I do not live with him and I am 60. He won't quit.
The constant loop of fear/rage/envy then revenge & denial keeps the narcissist stuck in infancy… unable to separate & become an empowered individual with insight as well as emotional immaturity. Everyone eventually becomes the victim in an intimate relationship though I’ve found that the mother often refuses to see the truth about the preadolescent child in the adult. Instead the rest of us get used as secondary mommy supply if we enable this toxic behavior
Even if we don't enable it, we still end up as victim of their unregulated emotional drives. Anyone who is standing too closely to them - not protected by hierarchical status above them, is at risk of becoming the target.
Only things you can do is: Keep as much distance away from them as you can (physical + emotional), try to avoid being dependent on them as much as you can muster + be correct & clear towards them ... and document the hell out of possibly dicey situations ...
Narcissistic parents unconsciously generate narcissistic offspring, especially if they are followers of any religion or culture that brainwashed them into believing the delusion that they are "a chosen people superior to all other people"...
OMG SPOT ON!!!!! 👌
Coming from both parents 1 sibling, 2 grandparents malignant NPD family... it is a sad life. We are the chameleons not them. We go around changing into the moment to satisfy their needs while altering our every move just to survive. We have to get over the fact they just aren't into us and let it go.
Now we can focus on Loving ourselves in order to love and help those that need us.
The very first step (for recovery and healing) is the awareness you wrote down in your comment
Beautifully said. Thank you 😊
Loving ourselves is what they do. That's not it
My late husband frequently snarled the mandate, "You need to listen to me!" Many years ago he ordered me to do something in the kitchen. I refused. It was late, I had work in the morning. He wrapped a dish towel around my neck & lowered me to the floor. He had a look of glee on his face as he did this. Just last week, I spoke of this in a conversation that went quickly south. I was told that my husband had good qualities & was a great provider. So...a physical assault was not a big deal? I'm still unnerved by this conversation. This person is, like my late husband, very narcissistic. No one has suffered more, accomplished more or knows more. I'm unnecessary in the conversation. I've been a fool for a very long time with multiple sainted individuals.
Your late husband was delusional and sadistic!
There is YOUR problem. 😂 u keep running to narcs like they your friend 🤓
@earthelucidator What a kind thing to say! Thanks so much.
I have always 'felt' your heart going out to me/us, Dr. C. You are a true gem of a person/doctor. 🙏💝
Thank you, Lynda.
Thank you Dr C for this video. I have experience this repeated times with my narc sister. Now keeping a distance and trying to find peace
Justification comes the easiest way with blameshifting, which is giving away all responsibility to another person, which originally belongs to them.
Remember my mother saying this to me over and over again, "You yourself have chosen your parents!!!"
I'm new. Can't figure put how to comment yet. Tho I'm always blamed for everything then abused when I stand up for myself. Not sure if he's a narcissist, but his mother said he was... only after 7 years after being married. Any suggestions? I'm at my wits end
Makes perfect 👌 sense in their reasoning. Don't fight it. Leave them to their perfection. I know I've left and only look forward and upward.
Yes! My Mum said the same to me, tried to brainwash me with her twisted religious/new age beliefs. I do not see her in person anymore, only communication by post and text. She has mocked my autism and mental health issues and been nice to me at other times. I am seeking outside help.
@@anonymousprivate6814 sending you prayers and strength during your path... much love
@@roxymovie3938 wow ❤️🩹
I have just been on the receiving end of a narc, it has absolutely broken me. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. It’s very confusing
Blessings, Dr C. Thank you for all you do. ✨
It's as if you were in our house today *Dec 6 2024* He's a mental health professional & knows how to twist things. Each example you spoke... I heard today. This video is a great gift 🎉
Dr. Carter, this hits the nail on the head. Thank you for your continued steady leadership in recovery from abuse.
This is one of the best videos I’ve seen. Thank for your valuable insight and knowledge for people being gaslit and belittled. It’s truly appreciated
Glad it resonated!
How can a therapist tell who is the victim and who's the narcissist? Knowing that a mistake will have the worst possible concequences for the victim. I refused therapy with my ex wife and children because of this. I knew she would finish me if I did. She's so scary smart.
What really hurts me, as a victim of nearly 25 years of covert narcissistic abuse, is that she tricked my children into believing that I'm the bad guy. Even 'proving' this, by explaining that I am the one who is in denial, projecting, blame shifting, refusing therapy and what not. I know I did things wrong as a father and a husband. I did get frustrated and angry and I did yell, after being gaslit and triangulated for all those years. I feel terrible for doing so, but I was surviving and at my wits end. (Or am I in denial and blameshifting now?) You can never win from a narcissist and I'm really concerned that therapists will pick the wrong side, especially because: what I just said, is exactly what she would say as a lie to prove me wrong...
How can I ever defend myself?
The only real proof I have, ironically, is that no one believes me.
This is so helpful thanks for doing this. I have been NC for years and the family just found my address, sent a friend to my door, then mail. I needed to be reminded they aren't sorry and still don't care.❤
Doctor Carter. I've been a supporter and a listener for years. I'm so grateful to you. You lead this with compassion for those of us who have truly struggled with this type of behavior. For me, the moment of enlightenment came when I realized that the tricks no longer served my good sense of self and that I had a right to grow into an emotionally strong, mature woman. These badly behaved individuals are stuck in a childish mentality. Fighting back because they refuse to grow and they want someone, like-minded to do the same. It's hard to step away from responding to that behavior. For years, my response had to defend myself, but in reality, they didn't care. They just wanted me to feel bad and to remind me that they were in charge. A child in charge? I don't think so. I hope our community can see it for what it is, a badly behaved child who wants you to fight back. Thank you for Carter. Honestly, I'm so thankful for you and the community!
I am walking away completely quiet. There's nothing to say. Because they just project n round n round n round. Better to just dissappear like they do.
The narc in my life said, "you got what you got" injury om injury. The narc went go jail for it but it's still my fault...every single thing you expressed here I experienced. All those tactics were used.
**Dr. Carter: I have experienced this all my life from various family members (admitting jealousy later) my marriage and now 2 neighbors! 50 years of wonderful neighbors and now this At 64 years of age! I finally found a good counselor but she resigned mid-way. Then I found you and Dr. Romani (sp?). And have referred your podcasts to others. A BIG, heartfelt thank you.
Thanks Sandy. You comments just made my day! Best wishes to you! Dr. C
It's worse when you confide in a friend or family member and they gaslight you with "Oh, they never meant it" or "What did you do to cause it?" Never forget that "If they never meant it, they would have never done it, time and time again." Abuse is consistent and purposeful, and you don't deserve it.
@@writer1986 Amen to that 🙏 🙏🙏
This is exactly what my narc brother does. Those three parts happen again and again and again. I refuse to do the hamster wheel with him any longer. I went no contact four years ago. It has made a massive difference.
(...ye, and the narcissist's Projection & Mirroring "combo" can be an exceptionally casual disorienting trick
-stealing who and how you are, and forcing onto you -who and how they are! //Like a three card monte trick?)
11:49 *"...don't let narcissists be your filter system -that you grade yourself through!*
*...They do not have a good handle on who you are!"*
For so many, a filtered sense of self, is the sense of normality! And "true self" feels out of place /unacknowledged!
12:06 "...their abusive, condescending behavior towards you, does not take away in any way -your inherent worth!"
These words were about the most touching that I've heard in several decades! Thank you so very much Dr. Carter.
I finally stood up to my covert narc mom, she messaged me a nasty message about how this is my fault and then she blocked me
My ex narc has actually said I don't respect her, and that's why everything bad that happens to her happens.
Wow. Such great insights ! Thank you. When you said that the justifications are part of and an extension of the abuse, that was a real epiphany for me. I just received 2 letters from a narcissist that I have to take to court for fraud and he uses all of the justifications, denials and insults that you described. The fact that these justifications are simply a continuation if the abuse helps me put them in perspective. Thank you ! I can't believe that the judge is going to read those letters because he submitted them. Why he would do that seems to illustrate the psychological laziness and immaturity that you talk about in your other videos.
Dr C - thank you from the depths of my heart. You are helping me process the physical, emotional and mental abuse from my ex. It’s not my fault. He gaslit me into believing him hitting me was my fault. Even when I was pregnant.
You deserve so much better. I'm pleased to be on the journey with you. Dr. C
I’ve seen a hundred videos just like this, but I think he explains it better than I’ve ever heard. Profound and simple! Bravo 👏🏼
Glad it was helpful!
Thank-you so much, Dr. Carter. Having a narcissistic ex-husband first deny and then blame me and justify cheating on me has been so painful. It's still painful and unbelievable to me. Thank-you for letting us know that justifying is abuse, too. No wonder the justifying hurt so badly as well. Another issue is he doesn't remember any of the times he was cruel and said cruel things. However, he easily remembers when I question him or have challenged him when he was cruel to me. He only remembers what I said and not what led up to my questions. I needed clarification about something that was so horrific - lies he said to me that caused me several emotional meltdowns. He doesn't have any memory of what he said that caused the meltdowns, what happened during the emotional meltdowns, that he has no memory of saying to me he would rather protect his lies than to end my suffering, but he remembers my questions after I realized what he had done to me. I asked questions because I needed the truth.
It’s devastating when your sibling is the narcissist! 😢 I’m only just really coming to terms with this and I’m 46 years old! I don’t even know how to navigate! We live in the same town and my mother lives with me and is in contact with him as she feels a mother can’t give up on her child. His wife is definitely BPD and they are the most draining people you could ever be around! 💔
On Friday he called the police on me. I did predict this but figured he might wait but he's impulsive. Last month I reported him to the state's medical board, he's a doctor (illegal activity). He's denying all of it, but I've turned in evidence. We'll see if I make it to the next video.
Thanks so much. My daughter is becoming bonded with her sadistic narcissistic father who she tried to break with . She stopped counseling because they told her to stop having relationship w her dad. Now she’s turning against her family that loves her!! This is helping my husband and i but she is beginning to change in a negative way (18 yrs old) 😢
I have seen some of your videos and they resonate strongly with me. My mother passed away more than 7 months ago and we’ve been living with a narcissistic person, my farther, for decades. It’s just my brother and I but he’s living away from home and would never live with my father. Now that his wife has passed, I fear he will try to do the same he did to her but I won’t allow it. We’ve gotten in heated arguments but I usually diffuse them by ultimately becoming calm and understanding. I have even spoken face to face with him during an argument, so that he knows I don’t fear or ignore him. He was abused when young but I won’t allow that to be used as an excuse. He’s 89 and very healthy and cognizant. He only has mild hearing problems and sometimes continues talking after barely listening the person he’s communicating with. It makes people feel that he’s just talking for the sake of talking. He isn’t as bad as some and we are at peace 95% of the time. Prior to my mother’s passing, it was very tense because I was her primary caregiver for 11 years. She told me several times not to leave her alone with him. Prior to being her caregiver, I lived abroad for 13 years and was very independent. Now it seems that I may be my father’s caregiver by default. I take care of the bills and other things because he doesn’t use the internet. But I yearn to go abroad again and I just might do that. But I don’t want to live just for me. I want to be balanced. I go to the gym 3x a week to weight train and swim. So we aren’t in each other’s space which can naturally lead to conflict no matter the relationship between two or more individuals. We’re taking our time to eventually sell this house. My dad has to constantly be doing something which I believe is due to fear of dealing with his inner self. He thinks people admire his hard work and being busy at his age. Sadly they don’t. He severely hurt his hand while I was home last week but didn’t hear because I was vacuuming and had ear buds. When I finally heard him screaming my name for help, he looked so helpless and frightening. I later told him it’s a sign and that he needs to think about why this happened. He also says some jokes that aren’t funny. It’s like he’s trying to be someone else. Your videos have given me insight as to why he will sometimes criticize me for not being joyful and that I need to get over my mother’s passing. I already told him he will have to deal with my character because I’m not going to change. I’m comfortable with myself and don’t have the need to pretend to be happy just to gain other people’s approval and praise. My mother always said that about him because of emotional and physical abuse by his father and siblings. They tormented him as a child but that doesn’t mean anyone should excuse similar abusive behavior (albeit much more toned down) perpetuated by him.
Narcissist is a victim, an abused victim so by abusing us he is welcoming us to his world,he makes us feel at home.
This is sad and sucks in everyway, everyday. It does not have to be this way. Can't we all get along? I know the answer, yet, here I stand, still in hope.
I almost feel addicted to the bull Kah-Kah
Misery loves company.
@@Hatbox948 damn I never thought it would be me. . Sh^t
He is not a victim he is a predator, that is why it feels like home
It's like you took the playbook of my life and put it into this video. Word for word. And it has been ten times worse going through a divorce with him, trying to get out. Thank you for bringing awareness and validity to situations like mine! I so appreciate your work!
Thank you Dr.C.! I have been on the receiving end of the narcissist and find your videos really help clarify what's been going on.
So pleased!
Every abusive action was my fault….”Why do you make me do it”. Started on the wedding nite, left after 18 months, that was 50 years ago. Took a few years to recognize what a narcissist he was, never looked back. So, so toxic.
My narcissists never admitted they abused me in the first place. Now that I have proof right under their noses, they've decided they hate me for telling it. It caused me to not be able to work at a normal job, and it's lifelong "nonaccidental traumatic brain injury."
They're almost all malignant & now I'm having flashbacks of my terrifying childhood, bc of the loony-toons incoming Kabinet. It's so obviously malignant that I'm in full anxiety mode. I feel like I'm going to have a full nervous breakdown and end up in a padded room for 4 years.
My father(narc) relates to every trait and does e erything u describe. "To the tee"
He told me once ,when I had been gas lit, that he never wants to hear what I say bc he knows it, it's wrong, or I just don't care. SMH
Ur vids are one of the best vids about narcasist. I watch them to help me cope. This immediate family is going to have a tragic end, I feel it getting closer and closer. Thanks for ur vids. So Much.
Thank you, Dr. Carter, for all your excellent work in the narcissism and abuse fields. You articulate all the many ways the narcissist tries to get his victim off track better than anyone else. After suffering for many years in my family of origin and marriage, I am happy to say I am finally leading a life of joy and contentment! It is very possible if you keep doing the work and listening to positive, uplifting messages such as yours. I also enjoy watching Gus being so chill on your couch! Many blessings to you. 😊❤🙏
I'm so pleased on your behalf, Carol!
I have a younger sister whom I've come to realize (after listening to Dr. C) is a covert Narcissist.
She has been verbally abusive and threatening and it has been difficult to deal with her as our parents have aged.
She lived near our parents and sadly, she became the Durable PofA for both parents, even though both parents had been diagnosed with Dementia and Cognitive Impairment.
Our father recently has passed and my sister's behaviors have gotten worse. It is really disheartening.
They loooove being POA's. More people to have power over.
Let them believe what they want to. They are never going to admit the truth anyway. Stand in your reality. Keep a journal so you can validate your self worth and your sanity. There is no winning with these people they have been damaged through genetics and or life experiences. .Make your point. If they aren't listening to you Disengage... protect yourself the best you can..Have really good attorneys to back you up if a legal dispute should arise...it isn't your responsibility to find out what their issues are or what makes them tick leave if you can when it is safe to do so. . and never look back..
I don’t even care that mine is POA or if I don’t get a dime. Not having to deal with them ever again is like hitting the jackpot.
@@Rachel299 ♥
How does the narcissist even THINK of all the stuff they do? It blows my mind that my narc does all these things to me and I am just overwhelmed and isolated and I cry every night
Dr. C, your content has been life-changing, and I often revisit your videos for guidance. One suggestion I have is to add thumbnails to the UA-cam Shorts. Currently, it's difficult to find and revisit specific Shorts because they don't have thumbnails related to their topics, while the regular videos do. It would be so helpful if you could add thumbnails to the Shorts as well to make it easier to search for them. Thank you again for everything you do!
“I wouldn’t hit you if you stopped pissing me off!” “If you would just do what I say, I wouldn’t be forced to hit you.” He would beat me and when I cried he beat me some more because I was crying. What a f’ing monster! I divorced him 43 years ago and have reached my full potential ever since I got that monster out of my life.
I may have told this story before. Once we had a bad snowstorm and lost power for a week. We bought a generator and my SIL came with my daughter and granddaughter to help hook it up. As luck would have it, the glass cover to the gas logs fell and broke into a million pieces. We were using the gas logs to stay warm. I expressed concern about my granddaughter getting hurt over by them and wanted to turn them off until they left. My nex says "well, if she falls in that will teach her". My daughter and I just looked at each other flabbergasted. This is how they mistreat and abuse you. Of course you deserve it, don't you? He was like this even with his own children.
Hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving Dr. C, Gus, and family! 🦃
@@Hatbox948 🙏❤️🩹
Relate to every single one, thank you so much for sharing your time and wisdom here and providing much needed reassurance ❤
9:48 has been said to me. "I get along with all colleagues I have worked with all around the world, except with you. " exactly 😂
I have said this before so it makes me question myself. I literally watched him fight and have crazy conflict with so many people and I rarely had/have conflict with people, so I truly meant it. He made me question myself so much that I needed my therapist and friends to help me reaffirm my identity. This stuff is tough. I still question myself possible narcissistic traits. I would want to heal whatever is broken. I never want to make someone feel the ways I have in this relationship. It’s crazy making.
There seems to be no good resolution or resolution period to things like NPD or BPD for their families. I'm in the sibling position. At least with drug addiction the person will either get better or overdose. Some other mental issues there can be positive resolutions whether therapy or medication or some combination. Not so with this madness. The only resolution I see is detaching myself from the whole thing and getting out of the way of a runaway train. Very sad and it upsets me.