The Silent Language Of Covert Narcissism
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- Опубліковано 6 гру 2020
- While overt narcissists are brash in the ways they convey self-absorption, covert narcissists use a host of silent means to let you know how they really feel. Dr. Les Carter reminds us that there is no such thing as no communication, so in order to know how to manage your reactions to the covert narcissist, you will need to be aware of their silent, but effective styles of communicating.
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Does anyone else have this person in their life, also but only displays this towards you and wears the "good guy" mask with everyone else?
Amen
It makes me go😳
Oh my yes....and turns everyone against you for being the "crazy" one. If only they knew the evil that I have experienced.
Yes that's the most difficult part, the outside world thinks he s the nicest, funniest, perfect man in the world ( although there are some who just can see trough his exagerated stories and his way of never listening but always talking)
Inside the house he is a passive agressive ( and openly agressive) entity who screams, shouts or never speaks; not a single "fantastic" story, shares nothing he thinks or feels, is almost always negative and now and then depressive. But during that negative period or during an angry attack, he can change in just a second when for example he gets a visit from a neigbour and his behaviour is like a kameleon and his negativity and dark side is gone for just the moment that visitor is there. Afterwards his silent treatment or depressive energy immidiatly returns. And when you ask if he s ok
The answer will be, i have no problems in my whole life, if you have a problem, you can leave whenever you want. And the moment you leave he starts begging not to leave and tells you he did put all the effort in it to show his "love" (never did put any form of effort of course; just rejection, silent treatments, passive agressiveness, anger attacks, negclet, fysical and mental abuse..)
@@krisluvsutube2684 yes it is as if they have a very evil energy inside of them at those moments
Nothing worse than being in the presence of a loved one who ignores you. It's worse than being alone.
I agree
I know that pain. It is the worst! 😢
for me it's more subtle, actually all these I've encountered are subtle, you can't just take them on their wrong doings easily
"The only thing worse than being alone, is being with people who make you feel alone." -Robin Williams
This is the story of my life… I feel like I’ve been asking the question ‘what is going on and why is everyone else turning a blind eye to the silent treatment I get from certain family members?’ I feel liberated to learn this and also sad that I only know this now in my 60’s and not in my teens… The amount of wasted energy I’ve spent on these people feels almost tragic to me right now….
The scary thing about these people is that they can turn on a dime and start being nice when they start to realise you are onto them, only to switch back the moment they feel they can get away with it. Utterly toxic.
My experience is that they become very Nice to you when they sense they've gone too far with their rubbish.
@@lighton365love bombing 😱
Nailed it.
This video & your comment, nailed it, 100%.
So true.
There's something almost supernaturally evil about these people and how they derive joy from your frustration and anxiety.
Yes, makes noe wounder rigth.
Yes sir. A girl I met was complete evil man. Trying to ruin my life. Absolutely diabolical
Yes, I say they are not completely human. They are predictors without human emotions except anger. I have a HIGH functioning one as a "friend". He's a genius which makes him dangerous. He has everyone fooled. I have learned so much here. I didn't know what was wrong with him as I always felt a void when around him; never like a real friend.
Some of the Christian channels say that Narcissism isn't a personality "disorder," but rather a spirit. I believe that too, that it's demonic.
@@noturningback2023 I also feel that this is a demonic spirit that possesses people at a very young age. It's the same across cultures and time, they use the same tricks and the same words universally. They are totally immune to any kind of therapy, unlike almost all other kind of disorder or illness. Their real self is trapped and stunted inside, when the narcissist spirit spins a fake personality around them and uses its tricks to maintain it. It's only when you've been in a relationship for years that you feel the horror of co-existing with that demonic power.
No one ever sees how the narc triggers you, only your reaction to their passive-aggressive behavior.
@@robinlynn898 i can relate to you my gf is the same i wish i had some one to talk to and help me out of this way of life
@@Legend-sl9bn I'm here for you if you need to vent..Sending love and hugs your way..♥️
@@robinlynn898 i really would like to talk if you don't mind, how can i contact you privately?
I am the same way I totally lose control and I hate myself when I do it. Throwing my own things and breaking them. Been married for 38 years and just learned about this narcissism thing. My entire marriage makes sense now because I really thought I was the one with all the problems. I was diagnosed with breast cancer and absolutely zero empathy at all. I told him over lunch and felt like I was at a business lunch he left me when back to work which he didn’t have to do. He makes his own schedule and hours. Can’t believe how it made me feel. I wasn’t worried about the cancer just couldn’t believe how he treated me.
@@mxsigns I'm so sorry..I pray for your healing...Even if he doesn't care, I do....God bless..♥️
"Covert narcissists are some of the most difficult people on the planet." No doubt about it.
Absolutely.
Crazy makers.
they are not difficult,they are deranged and disfunctional
They're scum, not people.
I thought I found the love of my life and this is what I really found. Entering the sunset of my live with a covert narsasict.
"I never said that" Yea, It starts as a form of gas lighting, but you end up at a point where you feel you should record your conversations.
~That is one advantage of texting & email~You can go back & see what was said~
I hear that all the time… Do they go to gaslighting school and compare notes??🤪
@@choosepeacetoday After I separated from my wife a year ago, someone pointed out to me that they suspected she had a narcissistic personality, I knew what a narcissist was but when I started researching "narcissistic personality" I was blown away by how many trait matches she had. Like you I wondered was there a training course that they all attended or something.
@@adrianred236 It’s creepy…
You bet 📲
The silent treatment is far from silent. It speaks volumes. I got tired of listening to it after a few chapters. I enjoy spending time with people who acknowledge my existence. ❤
That's really healthy! Good on you!
❤💯❤️
100% Facts!!
they devalue you without a word
For real.
Yes! You aren’t good enough to even speak to. That has been my experience in addition to the gaslighting and devaluing. Such cowardly behavior...
Yep, they can convey that with a smirk, or a roll of the eyes . . .
@@christinagipperich2780 try to share your thoughts and feelings to connect and they act as if they’re not paying any attention. Or you’re telling them something you are very passionate about and they don’t give any verbal response just a look so you don’t know what they are thinking. These covert tactics cause you to look inward and feel devalued. I always felt bad after being around this person and I could never put my finger on it, nor could I explain it to anyone else. That was before I discovered what narcissism is.
@@jacalyntaylor6721 it’s so crazy!
Treats strangers very well, and even outside of the family friends, but treats you like dirt. Nobody sees it nor believes you because they put on such a great show for every one else. I’ve heard over and over again about how nice he is and that I should be lucky to have such a great person in my life, bla bla bla... Nobody sees the intentional gaslighting or the anger that’s taken out on you for no reason etc... It literally takes everything out of you emotionally and physically. I’m always so drained, it’s the absolute worst to be in a situation like this...
Shared this very exexperience
This is ABSOLUTELY 💯 TRUE im experiencing this
Yep these are awful people
I know that feeling! In my case it's my mother, unfortunately. Absolutely adorable with everyone outside the family and with my brother. To me, she's always been different...the crappy thing is that there's no other way than understanding that these people won't change.
Just the kind of life had for 11 years.
When I finally left my covert narcissist husband, I was well beyond anger or hate-I had entered the world of UTTER INDIFFERENCE.
Same.
The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.
@@luv2fly745 , indifference is way beyond hate. Way beyond.
@@jolesliewhitten6545 I agree. In order to hate someone, you must still care for or about them.
The indifference is beginning to creep in and it's absolutely terrifying.
This is my mother. It took me years to realize what she was because she had two faces: one for in the home and one for outside. Everyone thought she was great. Moving to the other side of the country was the best decision I’ve ever made.
❤️My guess: it's the looks they give you. The side-eye, the smirks, the eye-rolling, the silent treatment, the no-answer-technique, the turn-around-and-walk-away-thing, the weird grin they show you, the looking-up-and-down-at you, the waving their hand - pff..., the not looking at you when you talk, etc. etc... anything that doesn't involve spoken language.
Their body language that gives you that weird icky feeling and the creeps. Eeew. ❤️
True. Been there.
Your comment is so accurate looking up and down and just staring waiting for a reaction its creepy
Nailed it!
On point, because I laugh at them sometimes. 😂
Definitely on point.... and ppl are still wondering how ppl end up in mental institutions😬these devils are HORRIBLE
No responsibility, no commitment, no curiosity, no joy in life. No imagination. They have to have great acting abilities as they are dead inside. They are good at manipulation and strategy in controlling you. They never stop lying. They never never change not one bit. Don’t let them catch you in their web or be fooled by their act. They live to destroy good people.
Dead things, animated corpses. PREACH!!! (Love your handle, btw)
Agreed. On Jesus can change them, if they would let Him!
That is bang on and also sickeningly sad!!!
@@ambererickson645 I was so hopeful I had found the right partner because he said all the right things about Jesus. Right after he got the beautiful smart children he wanted, he became a cold, heartless calculating machine. I prayed so hard, but I could not be his Savior, and Jesus Himself was too unpredictable for my ex. So now I have a rich life in Jesus and no pain in my daily family life. Glory to God for the peace in separation.
@@pats2058 I came to describe my ex as a "dime store Indian" who just stands frozen in the corner of the porch...
The moment you first ask yourself "maybe it is me, maybe I am the crazy one"
I should've ran because deep down I know, someone that truly loves you, does not say or make you feel like your the problem and that you the one that needs help.
They also HATE when you express how something has hurt you or makes you feel upset.
The answer is always
"I know I'm just an aashole"
Kills the soul
if you knew how may times i took the blame just to stop the argument... and the pain. Taking the pain on to me has shortened my life and ruined years of my life. literally....there are pains i can not heal from and time ill never get back. Literally....bruised my soul.
Yeah that's usually all I ever got, too.... Then he would turn everything around on me and gaslight me.
I'm still doing that to myself after 6 years of being discarded by a narc partner
(Also 32 years of being in a narc family)
YES! When I confront his bad behavior, he’ll just say, “I know, I’m a di*k”. That’s the extent of the apology. lol And I always say, “Admitting it doesn’t make it right.”
He never had any productive conversations with me our whole marriage, knowing it bothered me, and whenever we’d fight he’d throw out a “this is why I don’t talk to you because you……(fill in the blank)”. It was always my fault why he didn’t
when people play the blame game, it absolves them of any wrongdoing, responsibility.
Omg, YES! "This is why I struggle to communicate with you" because I finally said something mean or truthful to him . Load of absolute bollocks just to turn it back around at me and make his crappy non-communication my fault.
Did you leave his ass?
The best way to handle an overly narcissistic partner is to dump them. What a relief. I feel like a teenager again.
Thank you for that reminder
It's weird, because you'd think that you would need to grieve. And I guess in a way, watching this videos is a form of grieving. But, I don't feel particularly sad, or heartbroken or even mad. I just feel free. I don't have to care if he acts like a total jerk, or flirts with other women in front of my face, or dismisses me. None of those things matter anymore.
I probably did all my grieving months ago, after yet another heartbreak, and now am just 'out.'
👍👍
@@Hawaiiansky11 I agree. I left and never shed a tear at all. Walked away and started new and fresh.
agree! its way more tricky when they are coworkers or if involved in the care of a loved one in some way. A speech therapist was taking care of my mom in the hospital after a stroke. The speech therapist was extremely difficult to deal with, spearheaded a number of behind the scenes machinations, and unfortunately we had no choice but to work with her, because she was the only speech therapist there. Sparing you the details, it was a traumatic experience! Because of that ONE narcissist individual.
I think a lot of people do not accept that purposefully omitting information is a form of LYING. And that's sad, because it is a most insidious form of lying for sure.
Agreed.
I completely agree. Saddest thing is *I* let that idea out of fear of standing up for myself because I believed his gas lighting of me for 4 years... when confronted he would flip it on me and I believed I was the crazy one.
AbSolutely! Omission is blatant, intentional deception. Just as destructive as an outright lie. No other information is needed, to get rid of any person who uses deception or lying in a relationship, it’s way overdue to get rid of them. Listen to the warning signs because they’re always there and don’t be desperate for someone to love. It’s not worth it.
My husband and I have had this conversation a dozen times .
I know exactly what you mean
I asked the narc I live with why he’s so nice to everyone else. (It’s actually a sickeningly fake over the top grandiose niceness). He told me it’s because they aren’t a nag and a B**** to him like I am. I said well they don’t live with you.😐
Excellent Answer Girl !
@@louiseduhon5830 👍☺️
@Richard Johns It seems mothers spoil their sons, that's one cause of adult narcissism in guys, but it happens with girls as well.
tell him if I'm such a nag and a bitch, why don't you find someone that isn't?
@Oranges Poranges I don't know you, but I Know you are Not a Nag and a Bitch. Never let you tell differently.
The smirk. That never stops, does so much damage.
And not a word spoken.
Your gut feeling will tell you everything. When it does, save yourself lots of time and just run : )
I'm getting my ducks in a row to do just that.
The weird thing is, there's a fine line between "nobody's perfect " and a red flag. So hard to see until it's too late.
@@carpathia0117 your gut will tell you everything
@@lttlod1 thanks sadly it's too late
@@carpathia0117 Why is it too late?
Nice as pie to everyone else in life. YOU get the rage etc.
You're exactly right.
Yes, and everyone loves them and we look like the unappreciative partners
Exactly that, exactly.
Yes...the rage and/or mistreatment! 100% facts. When you share something with someone abt this narcissist, they're in disbelief. smh
I cant stand it when someo e says im so lucky to have such a great guy.
REALLY!
I HATE HIS FREAKIN FACE!!
Dr. Carter, being a survivor of narcissist abuse, I'm not accustomed to consistency. You're messages are always consistent and accurate. You help me so much on my journey to wholeness, and I just want to say Thank You!
You are so welcome.
@@SurvivingNarcissism I really like you. Thanks for the videos.
My excovert Narc/physcopath husband was so insidiously evil. He did all the communication like you said. He gave me hints that he was going to kill me. He had guns.🥺I got the hell outta there while he was at work. Packed my van and been gone for 4 years now. No contact. He has no idea were I live. Divorced and happy. 😍 Thank you Dr. Carter.
Yup!!! "I NEVER SAID THAT, THAT IS ALL IN YOUR HEAD, YOU BRING ON YOUR OWN PROBLEMS BY THINKING I SAID WHAT YOU THOUGHT I SAID..." ITS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE'S FAULT...
YESSSSSS
Do you know my mother??? 😊
Amanda S. : suspect she's related to my aunt. We could be cousins ❣😂
Yes.
"I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!?"
Was once married to such a person. It drove me nuts. So glad to have ended that relationship and am now with a wonderful lady!
I can relate Rodney.
Just divorced one after 24 years. He decided to move, continued drama after the final divorce hearing. I've gone no contact, focus on completing the business to move on.
@@kimbamw6713 exact same scenario for me! Married to her for 24 years. She did not value me, and it took me forever to realize what was happening. She up and moved to another state even though I told her I changed my mind. That didn’t matter. The narcissist expects you to follow through with what they want, and what you want doesn’t matter. I realized this was my chance to break for it, and I took it.
I was too Rodney. 29 years if marriage that was a hell. Finally left. Thought he would probably find me and kill me. Anyway, I met a wonderful man . Married him and was so happy I couldn't believe it. We we're together 15 years that were the best years of my life. Didn't know how to act ,I was so happy. Then he passes away and it's been 7 yrs now. I miss him so much.
Gives me hope that I'll find someone. Sometimes I feel so damaged by these damn narcissists
Don't confuse their love for what you do for them with them actually loving YOU. They may not understand the difference themselves, but the proof is in their actions, not words.
They fly so much under the radar. But once we see under the mask we can never unsee it. The coldness is palpable. Great informative video that is 100% accurate.
Gaslighting at its finest. It’s completely crazy-making.
My husband tells me I'm psychotic all the time. My son has started saying it.
@@bridgethunter5627 I’m sorry! 🙁
@@bridgethunter5627 Understand this ! My son has done the same. What I've noticed is people that don't even know you want you in their life instantly. I've dealt with narcissistic people all my life and JUST seeing the crazy. I THOUGHT it was "nice" they liked me in seconds! Literally! Then it became a controller environment within weeks. I've walked away from many many people. If they "love you instantly " they see they can control you.
@@bridgethunter5627 Perhaps you are... Sometimes it's good to look in a mirror.
He would create Chaos and stand back and watch it.
Don't you know it
I caught him getting happiness from my suffering 😬 he tried to say it wasn't like that...but it was.
And love every single minute of it.
Sounds like a form of voyeurism.
I knew of a women with that same spirit chaos followed her everywhere..
I think this is THE most defining factor. The unspoken messages.
My wife, who I think has NPD, called me a covert narcissist in court when she was defending herself against a protection from abuse order. She lost, now my daughter and I are free from violence and verbal abuse.
👏👏👏 Congratulations! She must have been truly heinous for you to win in court given all the bias in favor of mothers (written as a female). Wishing you and your daughter peace, joy, and ongoing freedom from abuse!
She threatened my life and that of my daughter many times. We recorded it. She was caught on video chasing me with a knife. She injured me multiple times. I just had surgery to repair a particularly bad injury. I called the local police many times and they did nothing even when I showed them the evidence. Eventually I was able to have her committed, but the sent her home after a month. I went to court and obtained a 3 year protection from abuse order. Yes, it is much easier for women to stop their abusers.
@@bellaluce7088 She is a very dangerous person. Verbal threats will get the police involved against a man. Serious injury from a woman is overlooked.
They hold on to grudges as their life's blood.
Tell me about it.
@@marcusappelberg369 I think you know.
Having knee surgery, he sat with me and said: I hope this worth it.
Move forward two year's.
He didn't get paid for helping out another woman who had knee surgery.
I meant not one thing to the ex.
I told him that we were invited to a party for New Year's. Three weeks roll around, I'm getting ready to go when he asked, " Where are you going?" I told him so many times, yet he didn't listen.
That's true. Sometimes they will make up a grudge to justify their actions.
My ex husband narc didn’t talk to his family for 18 yrs.....and I wasn’t allowed to talk to them either. Thank God I ran from him!
Being an empath, you FEEL everything, wanted and unwanted... so when I sensed something was wrong I naturally inquired about that feeling.... only to get, nothing's wrong.... when I did that with "normal" ppl they automatically opened up sometimes even asking... how did you know? But not with that narc, he constantly undermined my gift, to the point he had me wondering if I were the problem, or maybe I'm too sensitive, overbearing... NO I was a chess piece on the board
Nikki Luv, Exactly!
@@KSpirit54 please take heed... it's a game to them but our life is they're prize...I agree so sad
And being an empath, I don't want to hate anyone... so I just hate the fact my narc sisters are sick and in a perfect world, would be locked away from normal people. But I must accept that fact. I cry for the relationship I WANTED... that never existed... because they are simply not able to do normal. And they teamed up against me all my life, but not anymore.
@@dylannaenzo9737 wow just know you're not alone...I too have realized some family members are narcs and I'm better off without them
Why is this my story too 😭Honestly it hurts a lot
Yes that is exactly how I feel like he likes everybody but me..he treats me worse then anyone
They always make sure that is the case
Horribly destructive while “running silent.” It nearly killed me growing up with this person. I still marvel that I made it to adulthood intact.
Same here .. silence as a weapon .. consistently my entire childhood and even now off and on if engage to much.
LYING BY OMISSION
It's who they are, and the fantasy persona they live behind. They are empty shells that fill their lives with things that have zero meaning.
It's a real dirty trick.
OMGoodness. YES!!! He was a master of this. When I worked with adolescents in residential treatment that was a workbook they had to do.
their favorite - act all nice and sweet towards people who they don't even like just to get attention
N-arse-ciss-cysts love :
Mental gymnastics
Omissions / half truths
Strategic inaction (feigning forgetfulness)
Feigning confusion
Answering direct questions with unrelated events and details to deflect focus elsewhere.
How many times do you find yourself asking a question only to realise time and time again that you never actually got the answer.
These people are aware of what they’re doing.
They k n o w exactly what they’re doing.
They’re constantly trying to convince you otherwise.
That’s why they put so much effort into hiding from the truth, because they’ve seen it.
They’re in hiding constantly.
Hiding their hideous ways.
Best wishes and my condolences to everyone reading this who’s suffered the company
of a n-arse-ciss-cyst.
Stay safe and spread the word x
Yep 👍
You got them pinned !
You nailed it. This is my ex girlfriend 100 percent accurate.
You nailed it!
My very recently ex'd CN would always talk about having poor ability to remember anything.
He then acts like he never gets enough sleep - like, ever. Even times when I can literally hear him snoring, and watch him twitch like you do when you are in REM sleep. He will talk like he never gets enough rest, and will lie around for 18-24 hours (and wishes he could do that always). He doesn't have dark circles under his eyes. I have bought him books and offered videos and other advice on how to get more and better rest. He drinks Mountain Dew at 11:00pm then wonders why he can't sleep.
If he had his way, he would live in a fantastical house with technology that hasn't been invented yet, sleep all day, never work (I guess we all fantasize about that one), and just have sex and food and not other distractions.
Great comment except the n-arse... thing is lame
YES! Completely aloof to the point I'd say "Blank face" also called flat affect, when they show NO emotions, like a walking dead. Veeery strange.
My so called husband has been like this ever since we married...23 years of trying to figure out what was wrong, I finally woke up when I researched the word gaslight...The door swung open wide and I realized what I was dealing with...Since I figured him out, I’ve been turning his ticks back on him and now I hear someone like Les Carter describe my behaviour...I know I’m an empath, a nurse, a real teary eyed suck for someone’s feelings but boy oh boy I did learn well from the best passive aggressive alcoholic covert narcissist...The man who has never been a husband in the emotional or physical sense...
We should start a club , many of us out here , iam also from Canada , also married to one
I'm in the same boat. It's been 23 long and agonizing years and I'm starting to turn the same tricks he does to me back on him or be 1 step ahead. He is noticing the change in me as I have been learning about narc abuse for a couple years now. Narcs seek out caring empaths on purpose. I also currenty have a narc boss I'm dealing with too. The best way to respond is to not let them see your reaction and just go on like they don't exist or don't matter.
@@Hallie_G my passive aggressive covert Narcissist just bit the dust...He became the ultimate victim of his own doing....He always sought ways of how to be the ‘ significant victim’...I felt sorry and pity for him all at the same time of his passing....He NEVER wanted to listen or understand how I could be sooooo full of health and vitality...He wasn’t depressed...He was repressing...
Well said.🙏
@@ellasladek3124 ...My Canadian husband passed away in January of a vaccine injury...This narcissistic drama is gone from my life...I don’t miss it one little bit...Sometimes I miss him...
Gaslighting can fracture your mind, to where you question your humanity and if you want to be on this planet.
Happened to me.
How sad , that we have to be like soldiers, and learn to defend ourselves from this kind of attack.
Yes at 45 yrs old.. I've finally got this
If it weren't for all the other people in my life and the reassurance they provide, my beloved narcissist might have convinced me that I was crazy and/or evil.
That is a good way of putting it "fracture your mind". It is one big mind game. Mind manipulation. You do limp away feeling fractured.
They make you doubt even of your own soul...
And then deal with the PTSD...
Struggling to rebuild my life but I will never let this happen again. The most damaging relationship I've ever experienced. You will never be the same. Love to everyone healing.
Agreed I'm still married to one.
1984musicman, I was married to one for 15 years. He still calls non stop, "Where are you? What are you doing? I wish you'd answer the phone, I'm not feeling well and think I need your help. Somethings wrong with my stomach, eyes, headaches and the list goes on. He always has an ailment to try to get me back into the chaos.
After 15 years with him, I don't think I ever want to marry again. He left some pretty deep scars.
I, as well, 1984 Musicman...determined to heal, thrive, create anew! Best wishes for you, too.
Truth. I am so gunshy now I don't trust anyone.
The one I was with finally needed police intervention to stop the abuse of me. Stalking, harassment, until the property damage and threats came--and arrest with charges laid. It's quiet for me now, even though I feel great sadness that charges had to be laid.
This is what my inlaws did to me! I looked crazy trying to explain to my husband that I felt bad when I spent time with his family. They are a sneaky mean.
Linda Norton,Your lovely smile 😊 can make the news!!
Linda Norton,You deserves better 🙏
The silence speaks! It says I do not care how you feel.
having a relationship with these kinds of self absorbed animals is like trying to communicate with a wall, the ONLY thing that can be done is to keep moving , cause there was nobody there anyways.
Like that guy in your profile pic. He sure hoodwinked a mass of people, and he's still at it.
"...there was nobody there anyways." Absolutely hit the nail on the head there.
So true. There is nothing in them to actually listen 👤.
Empty vessels. Ghost in the Shell.
“There was nobody there anyways”, well for plenty of other people, just not for me.
Unfortunately I wasted decades of my life married to that covert. No idea he was a Thief, a Liar, a Cheat. I have learned so much, thank you.
Im divorcing my covert narcissist after 33+years of marriage. I too have felt that I wasted my best years on this man. But I'm starting to realize that I haven't really wasted anything! Staying in this marriage longer than I probably should've taught me many things about myself. I've learned that I'm a strong, loyal, loving woman who has been given the gift of empathy and compassion. I've learned that sometimes letting go gives us our biggest blessing! I believe that the narcissistic abuse I've endured and am now leaving behind, has elevated me to a higher place. I can change and grow on my journey to healthy living. My narcissist will always stay the same. Pathetic
@@beverlyorlando8040 - tell me you haven't got a Boyfriend lined up...
@@beverlyorlando8040 did he act like a amazing father to your kids on social media? My sister in law is a covert and that's how she is
Saaaame 😭😭😭
My mother treated me like this the entire time I lived with her. I wish that I knew then, what I know now, thanks to you and your videos. As a child I naturally believed that I was a bad person and that's why my mom was mistreating me.
Yo Angie,Your lovely smile 😊 can make the news!!
I understand. My mother is the same. Stay encouraged and know, you are who you know you are to be.
Awe that saddens my heart! Hugs to you and I wish you healing and light upon your journey of self discovery
The more you described this the madder I got. Why did it take me 21 years in a marriage to have enough and walk away?
Because you’re a good person and don’t know evil like this existed. Neither did I.
They are exceptionally, scary good at manipulating, deflecting, being covert about it. It's disgusting. I wasn't in a relationship with one but was in a band with one. I could never quite put my finger on what that guy's issues were or why I felt like I was going crazy and nobody believed me. Then I stumbled upon Dr. C's videos...everything he said was nail on the head accurate. He saved my life. I got away and went no contact earlier this year after 7 years of dealing with that a**hole. You didn't know because you didn't have the education, and neither did I. Now we do. Knowledge is power!
15 years for me. I'm getting ready to leave. It's been tough. He's in the state of starting to talk to me again. I know how this will go and I have to stop it this time.
Ironically, what you have to do to shake the narcissist is act like a covert narcissist towards them, grey rock, uninterested, etc. So then they accuse you of being a narcissist.
@@lilmissraeofsunshine9757 true! I heard Dr. Ramani say that if we ever have doubts about being a narcissist, then we're not, because a real narcissist will never see themselves as a narcissist, as far as they are concerned, they are perfect and could do no wrong.
@@lilmissraeofsunshine9757 I actually called a good Christian counselor to review whether I was a narcissist. We were able to determine objectively that I wasn't the narcissist. That is how far my confusion went.
Right!
Well that answers my latest concerns. I have resorted to giving him back his own treatment, doesn’t feel good at all.
@@conniepotter2908 It's best to leave the narcissist.
The silence of a covert narcissist screams at you. It still sometimes makes me cringe even though I understand what's happening thanks to these videos.
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have learned to walk away. If he has something to say I shut it down. I am not giving him any brain space. Frustrates the heck out him. Respect is a two way street.
Omg. Yes. "The silence of a covert narcissist screams at you". That made me practically insane... Thank God I finally managed to divorce him 2,5 years ago. Wish I hadn't stayed with him all those 14 years though... Still scarred but healing... God that is so spot on... Nightmarish hell that supposedly is aaaaall fine...
Unfortunately, they leave deep scars. It has been many years since I have gone "no contact" and I still cringe at certain things that bring the memories back. Let's face it, we have been traumatized. It will take some time to heal, and I don't know if we will ever fully recover from the memories and hurts. It runs deep. I feel like I have been forever changed. God help us all.
@@sues3218 ditto...shell shock at the most innocuous times. It is very difficult to think back on those 40 years...I've had an amazingly adventurous and exciting life, unfortunately all of those memories are so closely tied to him and his abuse I can only look back on them in little doses. I am now "recreating" myself and forging NEW, exciting and adventuresome memories!
I think my mother chose me as a scapegoat because I was the opposite of her. I wanted fairness and justice and peace
I am so grateful to you and your channel. I learned the term Covert Narcissism from you. Husband appears as Mr. Nice Guy to everyone except me. I caught on to him this past couple of years when I was sick. Thank you for helping all of us hurting individuals who live and work with these wretched Covert Narcissist animals.
When you finally get up the nerve to leave them, watch them fall all over themselves trying to get you to come back. They definitely have a problem with the word "No."
Four times I physically moved out, all my stuff, what a job it was, finding an apartment, packing covertly, moving, then got dragged back, not literally, but gently convinced with promises things will be better. Finally, I had to save the money, secretly, then put a down payment on a condo and moved into it. I knew if I bought a place, he would know I meant what I was doing.
@@grandmajane2593 I'm so glad you found the courage to do that. Way to go!
o the word "no" , or "i wont do it", starts a temper tantrum, its incredible
Oh my God I know I know they always try to get you back so they could run you down again with their car. I know? I really know. How to beat? A. Metaphor to? Death. But you know what it's true. It's like being run over and going on sorry. Let me help you off the road and then run you over again after. You said you feel great terrible how they treat People.
I've always thought silence and withdrawal or abandonament is a passive/aggressive °
attitude. It's as
cruel as can be.
Narcs are cruel - it is in their fabric
No if it's a defensive posture or move. You can discard the discarder, devalue them for devaluing you--but there's one difference--you actually have a justifiable reason for doing so. If you really feel bad about leaving--say your piece, and walk out. Explanations are ammunition for this disorder though. Walking doesn't mean you can't be open to reconciliation or apology. It means you're done. There better be accountability or you're out of there. You don't explain to an abuser how they make you feel.
What I don't understand is. It is very disingenuous but with such superiority. And the defensive attitude is mind blowing. Thanks for letting me vent. Let's not let them get the best of us. Not worth it
Context is everything--ghosting, silent treatment, are a cut off, and abuse. However, if the person declared their finality, spoke their grievance, and wish to be away from you--that's just that: a person that is done. It's the using of the chaos of cutting off--gaslighting, that is the problem. IOW, conditional withdrawal is not abuse, nor is it pathological: "I can't deal with this right now, I will get back to you in a while after I've had a chance to calm down and think about this..." is not abuse. Just vanishing or refusing to speak or take your calls, is. The difference is obvious in practice. Confusion on this might indicate you have a problem of your own--and when it's returned, the confusion arises: what is correct behaviour in this context? Passive aggression is the principle weapon of the covert narcissist--always, a red flag, unless you dished it out first--they're returning the favor
I can tell you something that should have been the last straw for me but I was too stupid to realize men shouldn't act like that. My ex., husband at the time didn't speak to me for a whole week after I had a miscarriage and lost our baby. I felt guilty and thought I deserved it I guess.
It was really uncomfortable living in the same house with someone who would not speak to me.
This is my mother, I don't even need to think twice about it. If there is one thing I've learned in these past couple of months it's that my gut feeling that something wasn't right was indeed right all along. I'm 16 and I can't wait to get out of this nightmare.
Update: I'm 18, soon 19, and I live on my own now. I've got a ptsd diagnosis and is starting therapy soon. Life sure isn't perfect, incest and all, but I'm the happiest I've ever been.
I'm 42 please don't look back.
I hope you're doing better now, I'm just now realizing the web I'm caught in and planning my escape
A narcissist/psychopath can never outplay me- i always figure them out after talking to them for 5 minutes, even looking at them you can figure them out by looking into their soulless and dead eyes.
They will Never make a decision either, forcing you to choose; that way, there is No One to Blame, but You!!!
Happened to me, it's a red flag i'll be looking out for in people from now on
Yes! My husband never makes a decision unless it's something he wants and doesn't want my input on.
Omg! YES!! This is totally my husband! I use to never deal with decision fatigue but after 18 years with him and now two kids, I can’t stand making all of the decisions anymore, big or small. I’ve lost my brain power! I use to be this outgoing, vibrant, fairly confident doctor! Now, you’d think I have early onset dimension or that I’ve had a stroke 😳 Sadly, I’m not exaggerating. I’ve lost myself. I don’t know where to start. He’s worn me down and emptied me out and I need support but he’s isolated me to the point that my only *real* friends (who also see him for who he is) are 2,000 miles away. I think regularly, daily about leaving him. We did have one 5 mo th period of separation, during which I started to improve. However, our girls are very young anf I can’t bare the thought of only seeing them half the time. I’ve been a loving and devoted mom and, without them, I would be lost. That said, I worry how I’m affecting them negatively by staying with him. He’s not physically abusive but emotionally & financially, he’s off the charts. And, of course, like so many coverts, everyone on our community thinks he’s the best! He feeds off of the constant praise he receives from his patients (he too is a dr). If either of us were going to be deemed “crazy,” it would be me. I’m sure of that. And yes, I may be going crazy because I’m married to a crazy person! How could I possibly stay sane?! I just don’t know what to do? Where to start? I don’t even know if I can work anymore. I can no longer keep anything straight and I’m constantly doubting myself. Help 🙏
Yes exactly! My late narc husband was very passive aggressive and would not say anything definitive..he was like a wall. I could never get a straight answer (or even an answer most of the time). I would decide everything: where we lived, what furniture we bought, try to have conversations with him that never existed). But behind the scenes he was always screwing things up.
My ex husband of 20 years did that did what he wanted never my choice but got blame anyway. His best end to the relationship was when I said please look me in the eye and tell me what you really feel. He glared at me right up close. Almost touching my face with his. And snarled happy now
It's true that they can go from over to covert to back to overt.. And every now and then, they can also appear to be normal or even somewhat fragile and pitiful - just to confuse you and to fool you back in.
Indeed
How very true.
yes, especially when they're drunk they become so loud and covert
Or they are older they use that card alot
its actually a mental dissorder
These are GENIUS! Seriously… I can almost hear my boyfriend saying just about all of these! He would withhold affection by not texting me. It would make me crazy. I finally left him but the “non-communication communication” you mention Dr. Les is spot on! I used to say “he doesn’t communicate with me” but boy was I wrong! Thank you so much!
Mine would often tell me that he doesn't even bother to read my texts because he doesn't want to hear anything I have to say
@@tammywallace5611oh wow, how cold. I’m sorry. Then they wonder why we start shutting down. My gut told me months before leaving that it’s time. I’m glad I finally listened
You just described my 38 year marriage to the nicest guy in the world (others, on the outside, description of him to this day, my family included). We have been apart/divorced for 14 years, (Thank God!) and he is still at every family get together.......just sitting there looking sad and of course silent. He has not moved on, found someone else, and my family still hasn't caught on that he found in them his supply and he gets something out of still making me have to deal with his covert power. It took six years of therapy (my therapist described him as a Wolverine in sheep's clothing, unlike the worldly wolf, he hides in his underground den and attacks silently, quietly and low to the ground and is tenacious at subduing his pray.) At least if he had been an obnoxious overt narc the family would have been happy to see him go. BEWARE of the nice, quiet, non-confrontive, emotionally withdrawn, sad ones. Thank you sir for sharing your knowledge and understanding of the power of silence and it's devastating effect it has on the other person in the relationship.
yep!! exactly! "I'm the nicest person in the world..." so true .... the nicest person in the world except for all the passive aggressive, covert narcissism that went on...
Tell me about it. Especially now that they are getting it back. So it's a lot of gaslighting coming from them now. 😂
@@lindasharpe7039 oh yeah, gaslighting.... it's crazy the things that come out now!
oh yes he tried to make me believe that i was lucky to have him in my life ughhh
@Beate Epp did he act like a amazing father too?
@Beate Epp I'm so sorry 🥺
My covert narcissist mother gets a smirk on her face when someone's plan falls apart or they fall or trip over something. She doesn't say anything, she just smirks. It's so irritating.
I have a sister like that
I have this type of mother as well. Horrible personality.
Yep, my parents thrive when other people have problems ! Disgusting
Yes, narcs are always smirking!
My mom started hysterically laughing when my dad accidentally cut his finger while slicing bread. I told her straight to her face she has issues.
Every place I go these days in public I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone people are walking around like lost zombies with blank faces no communication they walk by like nobody else in the world exist it's a strange feeling never knew it was going to come to this
Never do they have JOY. ALWAYS ready to drain yours. It's so hard when you have the fake sweet guy ha! Being so fortunate to be in his life. Working on getting out !
Neets Martin,You are beautiful,hope you're not with a narcissist....
Also the covert narcissists silently communicates in a way they think they can trigger you to argue, just to proof that you are the bad one in the relationship. In some occasions I just figured out my ex's intentions and ignored that game playing. And when I didn't, figure it out in time, later on I realised and he couldn't trigger me again with the same shit because I would react completely differently. After some years I got pretty well trained and on one hand I am thankful he tought me so many lessons to defend myself from all the other narcs around. When you're immune to being triggered/manipulated they lose interest in you as a source of supply, look for other victims and after a while they stay out of your way. When you can't avoid them try to stay polite and unreactive to their games. Don't forget, it's nothing about YOU, it's THEM and responding wisely instead of reacting to their narc games will give you much more peace. Don't allow them to destroy your happiness and self esteem. There is nothing wrong with you. It's them who are sick
M
Exactly..then they can sigh and play victim..
Like why are you making the overgrown child sad..
Exactly, it is an attempt to trigger a target to make the target look insane
Narc: “I’m not mad.”
You: “Then why the scowl?”
Narc: “I’m not sad.”
You: “Then why the frown?”
Narc: “I’m not nervous.”
You: “Then why are you pacing?”
Narc’s response to all three: “I’M NOT!”
Their silent language is for them to know and you not to find out.
Then why the black eyes?,,,,
Narc”,,Cause I’m The DEVIL,,,,
Oh there's other communication medias. the look! the tone! etc.
OMG the agony
Oh my gosh and they are so self telling. Just pay attention
Yes I recognise the pacing behaviour my ex had when he was nervous even though he said he wasnt.. why is it so hard for them to admit something can be exciting and thus they are a little scared/nervous.. nothing to be ashamed about, right?
They claim to forget things a lot. Smh.
Stonewalling for narcs is like your narc spouse will no longer sleep with you in one bed, will not demand things he wants from you, will not notice how you look, will not say thank you for the favor you give, will not care or ask you hows your day. Those flies will never care if youre hurting inside. They like to punish
I love your comment to: "Be who you are. That's your super power!" Finding this channel was a huge step in helping me survive his influence!
Unless you are a broken person. That will make you a perfect victim of these heartless predators.
My husband like to play of me with my health issues and treats me like a weakling with no brain
That's so sad, @@shelly5596. Please know that you are a strong, smart, compassionate person--otherwise you wouldn't have married him. Hugs!
I know what you mean.
True words 👍
Best wishes from the UK
They can fill a room with tension and awkwardness like no one else. Also, if they don’t speak to you, you can’t call them liars. The irony is that when they lie through omission, they are only lying to themselves.
Precisely!
"The irony is that when they lie through omission, they are only lying to themselves."
Doubt it. No need.
They tend to think they are smarter than everyone and that their lies are undetectable; meanwhile everybody can tell that they are full if sh!t. What pisses me off is when people time and time again empower them to spout their nonsense, instead of calling them out openly on it.
All in all, bystanders are the ones responsible for empowering narcissists over time. Because when you look into it, it is clear that narcissists are not different from mentally-disabled and cognitively-deficient 3-years-old who truly can't tell the difference between a scene from a Disney movie and a real Prom/Ball.
To think that such debilitated people are "powerful" is only the result of the other party's own shortcomings and lack of confidence. This is what needs to be fully addressed, not merely recycled into a blame game. "The narcissist did this to me..." needs to be rephrased as "I was in a poor mental place and allowed a retard to do this to me..." if one is to really move forward in life.
@@nachannachle2706 your comment is absolute gold. Exactly! Thinking these cowards are powerful is retarded. All of us were in a poor mental place to allow these retards the space to do it!!!!!!
100% my experience with my ex. What a relief I discovered this video. I’m not crazy after all.
OMG! Dr. Carter, you describe my husband to a T! We have known each other for 22 years and married for 17 years. We have 3 sons. I have been pulling the wagon the whole time (emotionally) and he is doing exactly what you described. All these years, I constantly have to guess him or read his gesture. He always uses his silence to say no. I am a good person who is loyal and always do my best. I don't deserve what he treats me and the family. He negatively affects the family so much (but our oldest son likes him so much). He is no role model for our sons. He is a loser, doesn't step up to do anything! When he does a little (like trim the bushes in the yard), he thinks the world of himself.
After 20+ years, these are what I learned about him: passivity, unmotivating & non-driven attitude, lacks of social skills/contact, doesn't like crowds, selfish (only think about himself, never for the kids), inflexible (stick to routine), messy/hoarder, clueless, super picky eater (eating disorder), slacker, avoidant personality disorder, lack of executive functioning, anti-growth trait, mindless but covert narcissist is what he really is.
Good grief. If no kids were involved it would be a no-brainer. Just leave. That said, I hope you can manage yourself wisely. The person you described virtually never gets it. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism I feel very honored to get a response from Dr. Carter, thank you!
Yes, if no kid was involved, I could easily go back to my single life. However, we have 3 sons who are teen and pre-teens. They need a dad in the household. He still provides a roof over our head, food on the table, helps out a chore or two. He just tends to do the minimum. He keeps saying I want too much and expect too high. However, I wasn't asking for some expensive LV bag. I just want him to set up, like upkeeping the house, fixing the dripping faucet (he said it's cheaper to pay for the water than hire a plumber), taking the family for a summer vacation (my son wants to go on a cruise or ski trip like his classmates did. I found some good deals online & asked him. He's silence, which means no!), camping/hiking with the boys with a scout troop (mom has been doing that since kids were 6). He controls all the finance and is reluctant to share it. Nobody can challenge him because he is the sole breadwinner and I am a stay at home mom who has no family around and support system. I take care of myself by working out at the gym. It's the way to keep me sane.
This is my father, perfectly explained. Aloof, detached and vicious in a quiet way. He is a perfectionist and idolized Frank Lloyd Wright, who was a narc also. Dad is extremely judgmental, haughty and class conscious underneath a fake "sweet but quiet" public exterior. I don't matter to him unless he needs something. Very cold and condescending, disinterested in being a parent. I was their only child. Mom is an overt narc so they seem to balance each other. Two huge egos who valued their career but having a daughter cramped their style. I was last priority all my life. He gets disgusted with me if I have opinions. He says things like "YOU want to give ME advice?". He told me a few years ago he hopes I die before he does. He compares me to my peers with me always being the loser in the scenario. He gives endless unsolicited advice, disgusted by my lack of knowledge on a subject. As if he knows all. Whatever. I'm not a loser or stupid. He loves to put me down and negate or ignore me. So I don't care to spend time with either of them anymore. I was nice to my parents but to narcissists, being nice is being weak. They hate my strong boundaries now. His hostility is terrifying. How dare I be strong, free thinking and successful in my business. He is jealous and threatened. He had a brilliant career so it's very irrational. I'm not as successful as he used to be. Narcs are too toxic to be around. I had no choice but to let go. And they don't care. So difficult, cruel and hostile. I have a good life in peace.
Carolyn - doesn't seem as if the fear/Authority of the Lord features in their lives at ALL...
I'm proud of you... good job!
Carolyn McFann,
I hope you are healing. So sorry to hear what you went through. You, your feelings and the entirety of you matter. Big hugs.
Did he seem like a amazing father in front of others, but behind closed doors a monster?
That is heartbreaking. I hope you will find people who genuinely care about you and can be there for you.
I have watched this video at least 10 times because I am so shocked at how it describes my husband so thoroughly! It has really opened my eyes! I now understand how futile my attempts are to talk with him and to try work through our problems as he has absolutely no desire to do that.
Marian H,You are beautiful 🌹🌹🥀,you don't need a narc 😈 in your life!!
Marian, I totally related with what shared. I’m so thankful I can watch these videos too to help me do what I need to do to keep my sanity. My Narcissistic husband is trying to drive me insane with his narcissistic insanity. I’m trying to figure out how I can get out of this dysfunctional relationship that I CAN’T relate to.
I felt exactly the same way, it was like he was describing the person that I was with for 5 years who absolutely destroyed my life the longer I stayed with him. I hope you will find the courage to get away because none of us has the power to change another. Good luck.
@@joyannesloan8384 You deserve better dear🙏🙏🙏
@@christianpulisic7784 thank you. I have been with a man who truly loves and cherishes me for the last 9 years. It's amazing ❣️
This was my life with a covert narcissistic ex-husband to a T. I got the silent treatment for months and he would speak to me only after spoken to. One day I left a quote under the refrigerator magnet that said, "Silence is just a louder form of shouting." He silently took it down, crumpled it up and threw it on the floor.
“Be who you are, and that is your super power”.
When I was little my Dad would brag to me about his “ability” to “plant seeds” in people to change their mind. Also, one of his favorite expressions was “winners never quit and quitters never win.” Told me a million times my mother’s side of the family were losers. On and on. He’s an old man now and rather than discuss one single thing with me, he tries to convince me that believing my own memories is the problem. Everyone just thinks he’s the sweetest old man. He owns guns and has told me before he’d shoot my mother if he could. I mean, for real! She is an overt however who hit me until the day I was big enough to stop her myself. Before the pandemic he came crying to me that she punched him in the face. Yet he STILL told me that since he never witnessed her hitting me that it never happened. Right. She’s willing to punch an old man in the face, yet that same old man refuses to admit she also abused his children. Why? Save himself and cut his kids loose. He always brags, “I’m a survivor”. Yup Father, at the perpetual expense of others. Ahhh, good family times. Zero narcissism in the family though. Just a bunch of wonderful, amazing, loving, folks, with the sick son who doesn’t want to be part of the gang anymore.
I’m so sorry that happened and is still happening to you. Your reality is real. Cut them off. At least for a year to get some distance for your nervous system to start to feel un attacked.
I can't imagine what you have been through. I am sad for you but hope these videos can help you. I've only been dealing with a covert narcissist for the last 5 years and if not for these videos she would have driven me crazy by now. God must be with you and you must be a strong individual to survive all this. Having 2 parents like this is cruel so I hope you have God in your life because he loves.
Very scary, cold calculated to plant seeds. Think Ive been up against men like that. Sociopath. ?Psychopath?
@@M_SC They won’t let anything be, but I’m trying. Thanks!
@@jeweljones3818 It just feels like normal to me. I have tons more stories, including an older half-brother (now deceased) that was banished out of the home when I was little never to be spoken of again.
Got rid of the covert narcissist in my life and finally feel free!! No contact for two weeks and I'm counting the days joyfully.
Thank you, Dr Carter. You help more than you know.
Thank you.
You must be living in my home because you nailed him 1000000%!!!
If it’s clear that your presence insults the narc, make sure that they don’t have your presence again in the future ... x
Yes!!!
Yup. I’m out once I’m reset elsewhere
Here's one: "I was KIDDING!".
Yep, even though they say whatever they said in a serious tone.
I got that too..another way to dance around any responsibility for what they say
Here's an "only kidding" from my ex....Me (very lovingly): What do you think about getting a vasectomy now that we have two beautiful children? Him: But what if I leave you and find a new girlfriend who wants to have kids? hahahahaha! I'm so funny!!
@@kathybrown6678 typical callousness! So glad he is in your past.
Kathy Brown WOW.
I still have trouble believing some people don't have a conscience, doesn't care about their spouse and feels they deserve everything. But I have seen it, it's very real.
My husband is passive, aggressive, narcissist, and a mean one. When I told him what he did make me feel unimportant, his reply was “ I know. “
Mine told me I made him weak and then beat me to make himself feel strong. I left him a year ago and he's still trying to hoover me. I am who I am and I am comfortable in my own skin. Checkmate.
Dude don't even say checkmate, just stand up and walk away from the damn chess table. Winning the game will only bring temporary satisfaction anyway. Then again don't take my advice unless you agree with it
Absolutely nailed it! The most crazy making people ever!
Same here. Helpful to know I’m not alone.
Yes, kind of... 🙄🤔 Bingo!!! 😂😂😂 Amazing ❣️
Exactly!!!!
'No such thing as no communication!' Wow. That's so useful! Thank you Dr C!
I have said there is no communication but there really is lots said but is it all silent. You are so right they do not care about a person at all. They always say they forgot, show no affection or are usually very lazy too. They are very bitter and dumb as hell.
Mostly they feel that they are smarter than us and we're below them
in the scheme of things... Leaving them blind to your intelligence and
preferred people skills. Be free in your soul and you'll be free anywhere else.
Cymbolic Human, Amen
@broody snoody I feel that. I dated a covert, and any kind of media I liked/was connected to was an inconvenience the moment he was subjected to it. "That music is really repetitive", "Oh no, I don't watch those kinds of shows...((so we can't watch them together))", "You don't need to be showing me this picture of you, it's not relevant to who you are today". No support whatsoever, except when we thought of exciting ideas together ((ie: things to do for him)), and unsurprisingly, I could not ever conjure the inspiration for his sake.
@Redheaded Stranger , Yes indeed. Amen
Survivor's intelligence is always higher than narcissist's selfish schemes that always have the same patterns. They all operate the same way and they cannot handle or face the truth. They are lost from themselves. There is no connection to their inner self. It's to be avoided and hidden - at any cost. See, they don't typically even understand themselves or how to avoid living a miserable life. We know they are miserable. Anyone could see it if they saw what we've seen or heard what we've heard. Only thing they can do to help themselves is to try to make others miserable. We survivors, on the other hand, understand narcissist's behavior, our own behavior and we have learned to be true to ourselves. It's a wonderful thing to be free!
@@annehynynen8153 , Yes free to be our true selves! I finally let go. Peace and safety to you Anne
Another silent language of the covert narcissist is “half truths”. In order create instability and foster doubt and insecurity, they won’t tell you whole story. For example, “yes I feel asleep and the bathtub overflowed” but doesn’t mention they were drunk. Mentioning they were drunk would lead to questions they don’t want to answer.
The Omissions....
😁
@@echase416 Yeaas! Lies of omission!!
Yess. They are masters in that field.
Yup..
Oh gawd!🤣 The "forgetfulness " and that bland look that you had is my exact experience with the covert narc that I have to deal with.
Praise God that EVERY dog will have their day.
21 years married to a covert narcissist though I didn’t know she was that until 8 years after I left. I was looking up about my son’s behavior (he is a 17 yr old overt narcissist) when I stumbled on covert narcissism. I literally broke down and cried. It’s like finally I knew I was right. She drove me into insanity. She reworked my brain and my memory. She was the gaslighting royal queen supreme. She completely ruined my life. It’s just so hard to explain to people. Everyone loves them but they are nasty and dangerous. NEVER underestimate how low they will go. They suck you in before you even know it’s happened. Be careful. And if you are currently in a relationship with a covert narcissist, as soon as it is safe to do so, run!
Driving this one NUTS😁😆😆😆😆Just turned his tricks against him😆😆
I've lost my self in this relationship it feels like I can't do anything on my own the only good thing is i no longer love or care about him life would be more peaceful without he's precense
Elliot Marks : This is Danica, Can you pls give me advice on how you are coping with finding out that both your narcissistic ex- wife & naracissistic 17 year old son are both covert narcissists & what did you do to move on from this trauma . & the step - by - step healing process that you had used to move on from this negative experience & ordeal. Elliot , I honestly believe that All Narcs should never be allowed to have children at all since they are all delusional psychotic evil malicious thinkers , doers & killers of the complete soul of the person & that Good honest t Emotional Empathslike myself & other honest emotional empaths should only be allowed ro have children. .
@@danicadjukic4377 ...I had a very Covert Ex....oh god he was awful to live with. He constantly berated me to our kids, and in front of my face. My Son is 39 and he's over the top Overt....mean, hateful, and he was not that way as a child. The Covert Narcissist GROOMS THEIR CHILDREN TO BE LIKE THEM. 20 years I was in that mess...and I decided to keep showing them love, doing good honest caring things for them. Love did not work. My daughter is 36 and she is Exactly like her Covert Dad. Again....I did way too much for my kids...just to demonstrate "I love you"....none of it worked. Now, I know that being caring to them is a SET UP for me to be abused over and over and over....Nothing works with them to build a good honest relationship. They hate honesty....they hate love and they love to hate.
I am sorry that happened to you, I feel you because I am actually going through it with trauma bond :(
I was in marriage counseling with my husband and our counselor asked us to take some personality tests. When we got to our communication styles his avoidance level was at the top of the chart. It was so strange like the one place he couldn't hide who he really was on the test. Even the counselor said he had never seen that before and that my husband had an unhealthy amount of avoidance. I had no idea I was married to a covert Narcissist until a couple of months before the discard. The crazy making, gaslighting baiting was becoming nonsensical and I left no room for love bombing and grooming. I am a very logical woman. Because of years of being a cop, I have a great memory and analytical thinking. I don't make decisions with my emotions which Narcissist believe about all women. That they can be manipulated by plays on their emotions so as I began to put the pieces of the puzzle together and pull away from vulnerable, codependent behavior he just up and disappeared like he had never come. Like poof Whodini gone. It's been about 9 months of separation (dissertion) and it's all no contact. I am learning through these resources that this is a good sign- a blessing in disguise. I guess at some point there will be a final resolution of some sort but I am glad I will be ready for it. I've been doing the work 💪🏾
I think police or detective work is an excellent metaphor for what figuring out this BS is, good on you.
You nailed it, I experienced the same abusive zombie patterns"I had no idea I was married to a covert Narcissist until a couple of months before the discard. The crazy making, gaslighting baiting was becoming nonsensical and I left no room for love bombing and grooming. I am a very logical woman. Because of years of being a cop, I have a great memory and analytical thinking. I don't make decisions with my emotions which Narcissist believe about all women. That they can be manipulated by plays on their emotions so as I began to put the pieces of the puzzle together and pull away from vulnerable, codependent behavior he just up and disappeared like he had never come. Like poof Whodini gone."
I hope you are in a great place now, you are such a cool person & woman, thank you for your sacrifice & I wish you a thrilling loved New Years with all your loved ones & family. - a sister in our earth family.
I've been the victim of a cover narcissist for well over a decade - I am a male and she a female - I also have BPD (that is 99% better now, though I do still get triggered occasionally by her manipulations).
I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, I just wanted to point out that there is a common misconception that it is only men who are the narcissist, and it just isn't the case (not to say you thought this way, but as your post focused on the male being the pwNPD I thought I wanted to mention it).
Anyhow, I wish you all the best going forwards and happy to hear you got away from them.
You got lucky!
@@sararichardson737 agreed her story is super helpful & super interesting & one day algorithms will detect these criminal zombies really easily
It's like you know my mother. I've gone no contact for one month and never felt more myself. Thank you for putting to words all the frustration and hurt I've felt since I was about 12 years old. Now I'm 32. So glad I've broken the cycle.
My dear, I’ve gone no contact with both since 2018. You can do this.
""Man...we are just not communicating"" is what open up my eyes to what really was happening. It started when I google ""How To Comminicate With Your Spuse"" The discovery and realization was very painful.
"Be who you are" that is the best advice. That's how I deal with the narcissist in my life. Minimal contact and refuse to engage when they're trying to fight.
Or when they bait you, drop words ( with a dual meaning)
then when u question or react ; you are the one who is argumentive ! They are insane..
Lately the guy says to me he doesn't need to tell me about something new in his life..it upset me , plus I've been going thru other personal things..
Then while he was attempting to comfort me he says " I wonder why I do this to myself "
I can't make this up..
Same person that forced me to leave his house after moving 7 hours north to.make a life with him.
My stuff was outside under a tarp. He was cheating as well..
This newest crap was a week ago..
I think I need a trauma psychologist
You forget who you are after awhile and it's hard to find yourself so long as the vampire is in your life
Agree!! 🤬 I have to keep some normality for my 3 elderly dogs and 2 elderly cats ..... my heart breaks for them
This is really emotional to watch. In a 13 year marriage that for many years I’ve been searching for the answer. Always knowing something isn’t right. Feeling crazy, ect. I’ve read some articles on covert narcissism but watching your videos, this one specifically, is just a whirlwind of emotions. It’s relieving to know someone gets it, that I’m not just pulling these feelings out of hat. I’m not too much, crazy, ect. Also watching this is kind of scary and overwhelming, because my suspicions are accurate. So after 13 years, rising his kids, dealing with everything and fighting so hard for our relationship, sacrificing myself so much, I really do mean nothing to him. That’s depressing and refreshing at the same time. Thank you for this video!
You just spoke my life/marraige! Down to the fact that we will have been married 13 years this November. I’m sick to my stomach and scared to try and make it out. ❤️
You describe my life as well, 17 years of marriage. I have forever been searching for answers. I wish Dr. Carter is my counselor!
@@lifeseries7944 Melanie Tonya Evans on FB is also an excellent source.
@@bluelagoon1875 Thank you!
Dani B, you explained this very clearly. When you say you have sacrificed and raised children and continued to fight for relationship.....only to see that they truly don’t care...... I did and felt the same thing! I never knew how to describe what he did. Until I found this. I was so very relieved that it had a name! You are not alone. You are not crazy. And you are strong! Best of everything to you!
My ex - known as Mr. Nice guy to the world. Made it known to me how expendable and nonexistent I was to him. But he will give me a crumb to keep me still attached at the minimal degree. I'm stopping that.
You just saved my sanity.