How Do INTJs Experience Their Emotions? ft AsuraPsych Chris, Angelina Bennet, Karen Keefer & Michael
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- Опубліковано 9 лют 2023
- INTJs discuss their relationship with their emotions.
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I am an INTJ and agree with Angelina when she says that she often doesn't realize how she feels.
Adding to what Karen said, you can't pour from an empty cup. Many people need to process their feelings aloud. It helps add to their cup to share what is troubling them. Whereas, many others (myself included) gain strength by processing emotions internally. Sharing them externally is then draining because others often share their emotions back. - INTJ
I’m an intj I think it’s funny how they all wore black 😂. We love black clothing it’s crazy.
I was having a panic attack this morning, but I looked calm and expressionless. What I did was sit down and meditate for 10m. I don't know if this is true with other INTJ 5W6s, I constantly have strong emotions, but never let them control me. Sometimes I turn to my unhealthy se function, such as binge-watching all day, but most of the time I would suppress them, or take a step back and observe them objectively, trying to find a solution, like what I am doing right now, searching for more information. Having a high Fi is disturbing, gladly my Te is keeping up. Btw, for someone who's been meditating for almost 7 years, I learn that all emotions comes and goes, nothing's permanent, so I will always be OK.
We INTJs don't like to show vulnerability, that's all.
INTJ here. I totally relate to this. People think I'm insensitive or that I don't care when it comes to feelings. I've come to a point where I don't care what they think if they don't believe me when I explain my feeling process to them.
I'm the INTJ who doesn't have a pokerface and it got me in so much trouble as a teenager. 😄 But talking about my feelings is still uncomfortable even at 37. My feelings are MINE and I don’t owe anybody an explanation. However, I've learned that suppression leads to mental health problems, so I always acknowledge my emotions and air them out either verbally (to someone close to me) or in writing.
I've found I'm quite suddenly much more emotional at 38 and feel things much more strongly and consciously than before. I'm trying to embrace it, though it can be unnerving as it's throwing off the way I'm used to operating under the public eye. I haven't been told I'm emotionless, but people haven't realised I'm really stressed, as I seem to have a calm demeanour. I would agree there is often a time delay.
The Bat Cave is an excellent demonstration of how we operate, because out in the field -- in the moment -- we need to be calm and clear-headed in the face of adversity. But we need to get back home, back to our own "bat caves" for time to bleed, then time to heal.
Music is probably my biggest emotional outlet too, especially as someone with synaesthesia. I find two notes run against each other can often convey emotions in ways that words never can, and that can make me cry quite suddenly and unexpectedly. I'm experiencing the same thing as Michael with age, that crying at artistic excellence, like you see in movies when people cry at the opera. I don't give a damn about shallow "chick flicks" (insert a more culturally appropriate term if you wish), but something profound can move me to being emotionally overwhelmed.
I've always thought of emotions as a problem, a flaw of my body and mind that I need to mitigate, control or curtail. Like the hiccups or body odor. It happens and I suppose is natural, but it's annoying and unpleasant to me. I do my best to ignore, suppress and tamp down emotions - both negative and positive. Self discipline and self control are important to me.
It's important to me that I am able to think rationally and clearly. I can't do that if my emotions are high. Like Karen said, strong emotion makes me uncentered and out of control. I grew up having no control over my weak eye muscles, the hive tumor in my head that gave me headaches and high fevers. No control over my circumstances of where I was born and the society into which I was born. I didn't fit in and wished that I could change my situation. I couldn't but I could control my emotions and the way that I reacted to my circumstances.
I remember watching the original series of Star Trek in reruns back in the early 80's with my grandpa, who was the first person in our family to get cable TV. Mr. Spock was my favorite character because he was so logical and able to control his emotions. I wanted to be like that. The other kids in my school were trying to emulate a favorite football player or singer or something like that. I was trying to be more like Spock.
I've mellowed a bit since then and don't try quite so hard to hide my emotions because I've learned that the harder and longer I try to hide them, the worse the situation is when they finally boil over. But I still refuse to let them control me or prevent me from thinking clearly. I'll let them out just a bit, like opening the valve on a pressure cooker just a bit now and then to maintain the desired pressure while you are cooking, but I never take the lid all the way off.
For me, a really good day is one in which I maintain an even keel and achieve a lot towards some goal by thinking clearly and logically.
I learned to "cry" around 21yrs. I enjoy being able to release those feepings when I'm alone.
I accidentally walked past an INTJ relative expressing an emotion secretly at a holiday and the moment of me passing by the door of the room was one of the most awkward moments of probably both our our lives. Involving wide eyed stares, the feeling of being around God when he showed His actual appearance on a mountain, or like seeing a penguin change it’s underwear? It was awful and painful and there was a lot of unspoken promises of we shall never speak of this again and we never have 😂. Also, never tell an INTJ oh wow you’re feeling such and such or I mean just don’t make assumptions about their emotions…. Probably that’s true of all emotions and all people, but like really don’t. This is a soft spot and they may door slam you briskly for being obtuse. I mean not really they are more perceiving than that but like give them plenty of space and time in their feelings both in understanding them and expressing them. That’s true for all thinkers and anyone who experiences complex analysis in their processing. Or you know just stare at them and both melt into the ground haha 😂. To seek to understand rather than to always have to be understood is a good one too.
*"When the best tool you have is a hammer, you begin to treat all your problems like nails."*
It seems like their Feeling functions are not as developed as their Thinking functions so they cope by trying to process and control their feelings with their minds/thinking. In the short-term, this can work as a temporary fix, but long-term it further atrophies their feeling function's ability to fully process complex emotions in real-time & leads to a lot of unprocessed repressed emotion (& the consequences of said bottled up emotion).
*"Wherever the is control (exerted by the ego), there is fear."*
l suspect INTJs fear vulnerability and since vulnerability exists in the realm of emotion/feeling, they rather try to control it than feel it. However, control is not feeling, it's merely compartmentalising.
As an INTJ I tend to logic my way through my emotions vs become consumed. For years my emotions were kept inside and quite intense, intimidating, and clouded my judgment. Emotions, especially anger were scary to me. Learning how to embrace any emotion I'm experiencing, communicating my emotions, and observing the emotions themselves has been helpful. If I do have an outburst of emotions its usually because something is so far out of my own control, but it's in the hands of another who has shown to be incompetent. Ultimately its very rare I express my emotions with others unless they've proven they themselves can manage their own emotions, and are trustworthy to allow into my mind. I do quite well processing everything in my head, and any outside stimulus, especially others emotions and opinions just clutter that process up. Due to that I tend to retreat until those feelings are resolved, which my silence often gives others the wrong idea. A death in the family for example...I might feel sad and withdraw, I might cry, but for the most part I would ask myself why death triggers those feelings and emotion in the first place? I think about how I feel, vs being consumed by those feelings. We are all going to pass away, grieving is also natural, but sometimes most emotions towards death often seem oddly selfish. You miss how that person made you feel, what they provided you in one way or another, not feeling so alone, or can't bear the thought they are no longer existing in a sense that they can understand. It's difficult to process and wrap ones mind around, but all the added emotions being out of control only adds further suffering on top of suffering which makes no sense...you lose yourself in those emotions.
I resonate with this because most of my life I have found that it takes me awhile to process my emotions. What has helped is that I begin to identify how I am feeling when small things occur, making the process more immediate. The more I do this, the easier it becomes and my negative emotions dissapate more quickly. However, judgment from others regarding how I should feel and react to a certain way has remained the same.
This was a great interview Joyce! It's great to hear how these wonderful INTJ'S use their own words, "NT" language and cognition to describe their emotions 👏👏👏
Very interesting to hear as an INFP because we also use Fi but it’s not something we can always postpone per say? It almost always is experienced privately (which is why u can usually find the INFP alone, processing emotions. Like meditation) I don’t like expressing emotions in front of others especially not in a dramatized way. It feels too revealing. If I’m watching a sad scene in a movie with others I’ll always find myself with tears and I’ll think “oh boy here it comes” but at the most my verbal commentary will be something like “well that was sad” In social settings during emotionally intense moments I may have to remove myself without telling anyone to have a minute to return to baseline in the restroom.
But the compartmentalizing is very difficult for first slot Fi. For example, if I am having a really bad morning I may have to arrive at work later or skip the day if it is especially difficult. If I don’t, I may end up emotional at work which has happened before. It’s uncomfortable to say the least. But one strength I’d say for Fi first slot would be perhaps, being able to seep in to the internal emotional experience. This is especially important in times where boundaries feel crossed. Since Fi can immediately sense what made them upset, they can verbalize boundaries sooner than later. Not verbalizing boundaries can lead to feeling like a doormat and later feeling resentful. It’s better to take care of it immediately. Fe may be more “smooth” in its delivery and phrasing however. Hence, the Authenticity factor that's usualy associated with Fi doms, like INFP, ISFP
Fi - Si interaction doesn’t have to be stimulated by Se external happenings for example a beautiful sunset like how it would be for ISFP, even though we can become emotionally affected by Se stimuli as well. But even reminiscing on a memory can bring the Fi to tears. Call it Fi - Se loop but I don’t think the interaction between the two is always bad. It only really solidified as a stuck loop if Ne is constantly overshadowed by Fi. In that case Fi needs to be regulated. Flight fight freeze can be tempered by tapping into Polyvagal theory practices and coping techniques. Then Ne can be accessed
Music and movies help stimulate Ne since they help you recognize external patterns for example lisstening to music helps me process and understand my own emotions better cus I have a glimpse into the artist's mind.
I feel you, Michael. I’m an female INTJ. I like not being overly emotional. My only strong emotional reaction is anger.
I hate crying. It doesn’t serve any purpose- instead of crying, I go straight to thinking of how to ameliorate a situation.
Most INTJs are actually Dismissive-Avoidants who have unresolved trauma and unacknowledged sadness from childhood, maybe even in utero. They are great people who deserve way more in life. They’ve faced Emotional neglect though typically they won’t realise it. Not feeling seen heard or understood, inability to have deep relationships , extreme difficulty in displaying vulnerability and shutting down automatically to preserve themselves are common themes. I hope they and all MBTI types realise this when you remove all this, your ‘personality type’ essentially boils down to a few special talents and proclivities inherited genetically nothing else. Instead most use it as a crutch to avoid doing the inner work due to the pain it causes the conditioned self. Any INTJ who resonates with the above, please seek therapy. I know you’ll research the heck out of it so know that any evidence based somatic modality (not talk therapy) would be really helpful.
A very helpful comment. From my perspective, as an intj with avpd, I feel this strongly. As if patholizing yourself makes no sense, because it's putting up more walls. Of course, that doesn't mean I don't see patterns when it comes to personality types etc. It definitely helps to talk to people who have also been emotionally neglected, which makes us more open and we go through our emotions, especially when someone helps us understand them. What hurts me the most about this topic is the fact that it is a "treatment" of the effects. As if no one is looking at educating people on how to talk about emotions, how to take care of them to avoid neglect others in childhood
@@Sound-Eater Yup, you have the awareness which is so important for healing. I hear you ❤️
when you say 'seek therapy' you're suggesting that the INTJ should rely on another person who is 'healthier'.
does this insinuate that you believe another 'personality type' generally has healthier attachment styles?
interesting!
@@islakay Psychological health has no correlation to personality types though any type is more prone to xyz if they are unhealthy. Seeking therapy i.e seeing an experienced mental health practitioner/therapist with whom you share a good rapport is important and is a safe, less time consuming and effective way to heal, though def not the only way. Those who specialise in IFS, Somatic Experiencing, AEDP etc.
Also, EFT (emotion focussed therapy) is really good for attachment related issues, especially within relationships.
Imo it’s useful to involve: Somatic therapy + IFS + Subconscious Reprogramming (check out the Personal Development School) then EMDR or Brainspotting for any leftover stubborn painful “small T” trauma memories or “Big T” Trauma like rape, incest, sexual abuse if applicable.
Disclaimer: This is based on my understanding I’m not a therapist or an expert. Please always do your own research.
***If you cannot afford therapy, then join the Personal Development School they run discounts now and then, or you can write to them and find out, and work on your attachment style. Also, check out Trauma-Informed Yoga Videos on UA-cam and commit to a daily practice, I like Hannah Uiri's videos (basically a way to integrate mind and body). I am not an affiliate or anything.
I usually let myself feel things freely, I don't try to suppress emotions but I don't like to share. Good or bad it doesn't matter, the bad emotions are the ones one sometimes needs to share to solve a particular problem with other people (say for example a fight with a friend or a SO) but then for me to share something I need the exact reason why I feel the way I do and exactly how much I feel it, and that takes a bit of alone time to think, evaluate and then try to put it into words (Is it a valid reason? Am I being unfair? How angry or hurt am I allowed to be in this situation? Is it a deal breaker for me? Do I really want to solve this? What exactly do I expect from the other person? etc etc). And then, once I have the problem identified and the possible solutions I will share with the other person involved. I think that last part could be bc of pride though.
Years later usually. Delayed emotional responses.
One trend I've been noticing in online interactions as an INTP talking to INTJ is that INTJ often have a visceral reaction to something we're both observing and they can make a strong assertion like "this is dumb BS!", however when I press them to please elaborate on why they think/feel that way, I'll often get crickets, or a further statement of personal opinion without objective facts to back up said claim. I suspect this may be a tell that something has had an emotional impact rather than a rational, logical one and the direct assertion is like an Fi child emotional outlet via Se inferior due to something not being wanted by Ni hero. I love the INTJ directness sometimes but please INTJ, put some thought into why you dislike something and verify what it is you dislike so that we can all learn something from what you understand. You've got a talent for cutting BS, seeing the essence of things, just make sure you're not fooling yourself in the process.
This is probably more often introverted intuition. We can get a sense that something is incongruous based on available facts that are often incomplete. This is pattern recognition and expressing the details is hard because 1. some details remain unknown, 2. It is long personal history about seeing things be wrong in a certain way, which is very hard to share with others or 3. The wrongness of this thing is tied to a much larger set of principles that are beyond the scope of how most people would define the issue and therefore takes a long time to explain. We can understand the argument much faster than being able to form it in a communicable way. Given all of that, some people are better at intuiting, judging their intuition and communicating it than others and you may be thinking of people who have not developed these skills well
very interesting, thanks !
Nice video Joyce! Micheal if you're reading this, when will we see another video from you? Hope to see you again on here!
My INTJ spouse was a feelings dilemma for me until we took a couple of personality tests. On HEXACO she came up low in empathy and honesty. How would you guess she felt about that? Perfectly fine, is the right answer.
Not sure if your wife is an INTJ if she has low honesty? Maybe 🤔 I’m off but honesty is not an issue we typically have. There may be something else going on. For example, people with personality disorders in the B class have issues with empathy and honesty ❤ . Not meant to hurt you just INTJ.
I'm with Karen here.
Shorty. Just speaking about the concept of emotion makes them uncomfortable.
INTJ here. It is so hard to know the feeling and I will end up having so much emotion and still don't know why. And then my brain switched from logic to emotional state. It is just draining, especially after grown up. I now play lots guitar and use it to calm and connect my emotions and logic together.
If someone asks me how im doing just like a recording, "im good"
Hey Joyce, I know the algorithm probably wants shorter content, but this feels cut off. I wanted more convo and tangential ramblings, but right as the egg was about to hatch, it was taken! I was climbing K2 and as I was peaking, the top fell off.
Totally understandable! I will be making a short version and a long version of each topic. So when we tackle the INTJ emotions subject again, it will be the long form chat version.
An INFJ one would be interesting because, at least for me, I find the notion of authentic emotion vs faked emotion to be blurry. I almost never think of my emotions in terms of "real" or "faked"; though, this could be enneagram related so who knows 🤔
Joyce why always intj ??? When you gonna talk about Infp or esfp ???
She has an equal number of panels on other personality types. Check her "playlists" which are organized accordingly and specifically 👍
It’s that Te aspiration 😂
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With great difficulty.