Why is gratitude so difficult for narcissists?
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- Опубліковано 6 лип 2020
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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I made up a saying:
"when the narc is nice, beware the price"
Thanks mate!
Love it!!!
Good one!
We have a poet in our midst! Yay!
That is so true. I use to ask him, why are you being nice to me ? What do you want? I use to get so nervous and was on guard whenever he was nice. So sad.
This is fantastic! The narc was only ever nice leading upto a need for cash! Otherwise I was a stranger! 😂
The only thing harder for a narcissist to say is “I’m sorry” 😬
Very true. And if they do there is a underlying motive.
That's because they are not ever sorry - it's all about them.
Infact it is so hard they just won't do it ...
A narcissist makes it easier by adding "you feel that way" to "I'm sorry".
Donald Jones - thanks. great minds think alike!
They actually accuse YOU of being ungrateful. I realized all the things she says to me are projections.
Exactly!!
People forget narcs are a lot about projection. It's like they do a lot of bad things, they lie, they cheat, they deceive, they say mean hurtful things but then they do things u haven't asked for like favors or give you gifts and accused you of being UNGRATEFUL.
Definitely!!! They are the perfect projectors. They can never say thank you or I'm sorry but will always expect you to give them in return. They'll accuse you of lying and cheating meanwhile, they're the ones doing those things to you! 💔💔💔
I heard a good one:
"More projection than an IMAX theater..."😆
this is so scary to find you guys here. No sheit, this is a conspiracy against us all and the narcs are a network *X-files-theme song*
I had these out of nowhere conversation with my female narc that i dont give enough appreciation. Her voice was getting louder and louder, clapping her hands and screamed : "YOU´RE JUST TAKING AND TAKING AND TAKING AND TAKING!!!!". It was the ultimate Gaslighting wich is so traumatizing till this day. (its a over a year)
This was the start that i realise something was....wrong here. I breaked up with her in 13. July. 2021, used GreyRock-Method.
I have had so much “gratitude” demanded of me by narcs over the years that I don’t even want to hear that word. Sure, I love and appreciate the people who can actually have functional relationships with me, but I have been pounded into the ground by demands for “gratitude” (narcissistic supply!) for relationships that basically consist of emotionally abusing me.
Sometimes they forget the "G" and the "R" just give you 'attitude'.
ChuckMeIntoHell, omg! You cracked me up with the truth!
LOL! Good one!
🤣🤣🤣😂😂 so true!
They choose anger over gratitude and that is why they can never be satisfied. If they would just choose love, then they would be grateful.
If only they COULD choose love and gratitude over anger and manipulation, they would NOT be narcissists.
love is the lens that makes us grateful for every little thing x
Narc Survivor They feel so terrible in their own skin absolutely no gesture can make them feel better. Even if they provoke and battle you and managed to devalue you - even then they don’t feel better and still blame their misery on you cause they’re unable to self-reflect. They are doomed to live an angry, unsatisfied life, the only thing we can do is to learn how to protect ourselves by taking distance and setting boundaries, cause they cannot be helped anyway. Sad for them when you think about it, but frankly, and thankfully, I ran out of empathy for my narc. It feels so good to recover.
Yes, never satisfied, their mind seems to be in a state of lack. Always jealous of every little thing someone else is having.
@@chriswyma145 Probably a narc is a lot more fun to be around than narc victims.
A narcissist feels degraded and humiliated by the idea that they should be grateful to anyone for anything. They cannot give anything of themselves to anyone without feeling that they have lost something of themselves for nothing in return.
It’s about control. When they say thank you, they are admitting that you did something right. That you know them well enough to get them a gift they might enjoy. When you do something right, it appears you are in control - that’s not allowed.
Yes!! For years I tried to get my mother a gift she would actually appreciate. Many times I've had to sit through 20-minute long rants about how awful the gift is that I got her. I am 100% positive that this has to do with a desire to control me. One of her favorite things to do is to tell me, "you couldn't handle what I've been through." The goal is to make me feel that I am incapable and can do nothing right, because it allows her to have greater control over me.
@@squirrel_of_mistri8565 I hope you do not believe the cruel things she told you. Each of us is capable of doing amazing things and having a wonderful life, once we get away from the disgusting behaviour of these toxic controlling people. I hope you are well and found some peace and happiness now. Wishing you all the best xoxo
@@susanmcguire4664 Thanks, Susan. I hope you are doing well too. 💜
I'm still trying to keep her at arms length and maintain the relationship. I don't know if I will fully disconnect or not. I just try to not talk to her as much.
that why they can’t say Thank you!
I AM GONNA DANCE 💃🏻 ON HER EGG SHELLS AND MAKE THE BOAT ROCK! Thank you is how we were raised and I WILL NOT BE USED :) perioD healthy boundaries!
I believe the narcissist in my life knows that it's the decent thing to say thank you, but doesn't on purpose because it's seen by them as some sort of act of humility. I think they hold back gratitude to be hurtful too.
I would like to thank all the people that pour their stories and hearts out in the comment section. I read your comments and what you say matters.
They'll just say "I didn't ask for that". But we do know how they'll act when we didn't do something.
Or they say you would not have done it if you didn't want to!
@@jennifergorin6566 exactly
Francois Atienza yes!
Exactly!!
Yrs. of no birthday gift, Christmas gift, Anniversary gift. No acknowledgement of special occasions. The tables are turned. Now I do nothing special for him. I can tell hurts him, I know how it feels. When I use to do things for him and received nothing he just became a bigger jerk. Entitled.
Narc will say in their mind " thank you for supply and for allowing me to use you "
Italian proverb - 'When the devil caresses you he wants your soul'.
Good one!
Exactly- there is something suspicious about ‘them’ doing it, it’s never for a ‘kind/caring’ reason
I made a promise to myself that I was completely done with all forms of non-reciprocal relationships. You stop doing for those that don't do back for you, the trash takes itself out. All you're left with is the diamonds.
I love this!! I'll post it on my fridge. Thanks
Perfect
A few years ago..I realized that ALL my friends were takers....I got rid of them all! Now I have a gew diamonds!
Man isn’t this some hard truth that I need to remember.
Giving people the same energy they give me.
"Dziekuje" in Polish
As hard as it is to say it for a non polish speakers it's still harder to say for native polish narcissists
To prawda
Zgadzam sie.
Nice pun! And by the way, even though I'm not a native Polish speaker I can say "Dziekuje" well enough as I spent time in Poland :)
Prawda :)
😂
"The truly grateful person doesn't feel that you owe them something." --Dr. Ramani
The narcissist lacks empathy, keeps tabs and expects you to fall under their control and meet their expectations.
Thank You 😘
Ha! I feel like that's been happening to me for a long time now. It's hurtful when you go out of your way and there's no thanks.
Dr. Ramani is spot on. I helped my narcissistic husband literally build his dental office. When we found an office building for our office I painted walls scrubbed floors built the front desk, bought furniture and moved it, hung lab cabinets. I was his receptionist, insurance processor, was on call 24/7, was his chairside assistant, I comforted patients and held their hands during procedures. When I wanted to leave the practice after 22 years to pursue my own interests he fought me. He didn't care that I needed to do my own thing. He guilted, shamed, and denied me. I finally left he was angry, extremely angry. I never received a single thank you for helping him 150%. I gave him my all, my heart and soul at the office and at home. He never credited me for all the work I did. It was always "my" office, not our office. There was never a "we or our" involved in anything-- just a "my". When I left I planned my own farewell party and got myself a parting gift. How ridiculously sad.... After 35 years of this kind of treatment I finally left him. Need I say it was the best decision.
"They also don't stop to consider their impact on other people."
True words
SzaSzi no because it's already scripted
Bcuz they can’t be bothered
to care
Narcs don't see other people as being their equals. In their mind, no thank you's are necessary.
SzaSzi when I confronted my Narc about something they did was told “I guess I’m just a bad person”
A. C. This seems the truth but I find in reality they hate themselves
If they even say "thank you" it's because they think that's what they should say , but not because they are really thankful ,
Yes. And then they will later act in a way (either intentionally or unintentionally) that shows that they are not really grateful.
And they remember it for a whole 5 mins ... they do not hold on to it or remember. it’s always what have u done for me today?
The next time u don’t/can’t do something for them, then u haven’t done shit ever !
Yes, and if a narcissist says "thank you", they will remember it right down to the millisecond it happened, just to make sure you never forget. Also they recall it to deflect something they don't want to talk about. All the good you ever did for them? Meh, they can't remember or they remember it differently and it's not a big deal to them.
And it’s painful when they say it. When my narc says it (and it’s rare), it’s almost like she says it in a painful way like it hurts her. It’s so weird
Before my narcissistic relationship, I've had partners convey their gratitude even without words. It could be a couple of squeezes on my shoulder and a quick peck on the cheek. It could be a lingering look holding his eye contact that makes me know that in that instance, he sees me and acknowledges that moment. It could be him holding my hand and squeezing it under the table if we are in public. Sometimes gratitude can be shown through multiple actions. With my narcissist, I would sometimes have to ask him to actually say thank you, to which he would always automatically gaslight me by telling me that he's said it, but as usual i don't hear him, or I forget.
In 3 years of dating a narc, he never once thanked me for all the nice things I did for him.
Ugh….It will come back to him
It feels so WRONG to NOT say "Thank you" when one is deserved!
I make a gratitude list everyday! No matter how small or big. Something about writing makes me feel it more!
❤
Thank you for sharing that!x
Yes. I call it ,"counting my blessings."
@Black Weirdo Bam! There you go!
1. God woke me up on time for work
2. I have money to gas in my car
3. I have money to Purchases a Starbucks coffee
4. Made it to work safely
5. Plenty of work to make my day go by fast
6. A few laughs with the fellas
This is only a partial list. These are things I normally wouldn't be grateful for. I know there are people who cant put gas in their car, have a job to go to, and cant buy a cup of coffee. When I write it down I get chance to really think about it! ❤
@@monkeybearmax thank you try it for a week and see how you feel
@LOVE Conquers ALL thank you!
The whole lack of gratitude and entitlement business is based on a profound sense that the world has shortchanged them, and therefore owes them. All narcissists run pity parties in their minds, and sometimes they do it openly.
I think saying thank you would also cause a real narcissistic injury to themselves. It would puncture their grandiosity. Then they'd end up feeling like peasants instead of kings.
It boggles my mind when narcissists ignore servers. That's one of the best ways to know if someone you're with is a toxic person. I've even seen narcs say covertly racist things to servers and expect the server to be cheerful and nice to them. Terrible people.
Thank you and I'm sorry is never said by the narcissists in my life
Im looking through texts with my ex narc for the past 1 year. She only ever said thank you and sorry twice 🤣 I couldn’t see it until I left the relationship.
Sometimes I heard "I'm sorry you're unable to cope with your stuff". Does that count?
I got a mother and a father both like this and it hurts ...it bewilders me ..and I do not understand it ....
I've sent them money...cards ... water features costing hundreds of pounds...chocolates...books ..CDs...you name it ...I've cut overgrown grass in thier gardens for hours ... ect ect ....nothing
@@harpsailorharp6716gg I'm sorry and I know how much it hurts. Believe me, you're not alone in this but it can sure seem like it. Know that you are lovable! You do matter! Try to practice forgiveness because it will free you up.💚 Green heart for the healing heart.💚❤
A Narcissist’s ‘thank you’ is mere lip service, intended only for self inflation of their ego because they are in a superior position to be entitled to the services of others. It doesn’t come from a point of appreciation or humility.
@ Nelumbo Your comment touched me, you are 100% correct! for a narcissist a thank you is merely a lip service. They can say thank you to you and the next moment can plunge a dagger into you. Dealing with my narcissistic step daughter for your years now....her thank yous and I love yous are nothing but jokes.....have realized over years that almost noting she says means anything......
To a narcissist, saying "thank you" is also a lubricant to facilitate whatever their next request is going to be.
So very very true.
pr r, I can relate to your pain. Truly awful to be treated this way. Sending you lots of love and light ❤️
WitlessSod, yup! All they care about is that their show must go on. At everyone else’s expense.
They also have excuses for everything...(being late or “forgot” something) but they can not give an apology when they actually have to
' Dank je wel' to young people, 'Dank u wel' to older people and those you respect a lot!! It is Dutch! I am in The Netherlands and love your video's. Thank you so much!
Dank u wel!
Oh boy! The most generous to everyone EXCEPT ME, the slave.
So sorry to hear that.
It s not that i liké it .. but i feel for u..
Hé helped everyone Moving but when it was us and i told him to call his Friends to help hé didnt want to bother thèm and WE had only a 2 bedrooms so WE could deal with it .. thé only people for Moving was my Friends and my family( his family IS overseas)
You are not alone.
I said the slave because that's how I always felt
@@mph6877 I always felt like a huge burden. Didn't even want to ask for anything to eat.....cause I would pay for it later. This was my dad.
My dad would treat ladies and their kids wonderfully for months on end (because they deserved it...."honored him" as he said) whereas my mom and all his children were (and always have been) treated like beasts of burden. He would tell us we aren't even human because "we can't and won't see that he has feelings too. We won't even try!" I cannot express in words the rage and anger I felt when he went after a lady (she had one daughter) and did all these special things for her and her daughter and treated them sooooo good, whereas we were basically forgotten or raged at when he got home. And as soon as he left for their apartment, he was as giggly happy as could be and so kind and patient and understanding. We asked for patience, kindness and understanding.....we got mocked and it all turned back on us. I hate it! I cannot help but love him but I hate his deeds, thoughts and attitude. Don't want to see him, smell him, or hear his voice....gives me instant rage as well as panic attack feelings
Narcissists are extremely entitled and expect you to walk over glass for them on their beckoning call. You serving them is just your job to them. I never got any thank you's from my ex. When I'd bring him a glass of juice after he mowed the lawn, not even a simple "thanks babe" was given, ever. Because to him, that's my job, to serve him.
dont do it!!!! tell him if he cant be nice to u and respectful he needs to get his own things...or pretend u did not hear him..or give him something else:)
Because they are selfish people with a sense of entitlement.
When offered a gift my father never says "merci" but instead he says "c'est bien" which means "good, you did well", or "d'accord" which means "ok".
Really they are so pathetic!!
My experience is that my gratitude is wasted on the narcissist. Same with forgiveness. I believe it is precisely because of what you are describing here about how difficult gratitude is for them. Entitlement leaves the narcissist both void of giving and receiving gratitude and forgiveness. The narcissist simply does not value life and so gratitude is a hollow emotion for them, “a show” as you describe it.
Forgiveness is for you, not the person being forgiven.
Tommy 💯 agree 👍
Tommy, ya know, thinking a little more on that...actually I believe when a person, (empathetic person), is truly sorry and repentant forgiveness works both ways and can restore and strengthen a relationship. However, for a narcissistic personality it does have to be one sided and for you.
Spot on.
Tommy I completely agree with you… Forgiveness is so that I don’t become bitter. Reconciliation; however, is something that only works when BOTH parties are willing to do the work. I often say, forgiveness and reconciliation are TWO COMPLETELY different things.
"ευχαριστώ" in Greek. I have had two narcissists in my life. Now my boss and a colleague seem like they are narcissists, based on how they act and react. I feel like a narc-magnet... I am trying to be the mature and wise guy, but it's not easy at all.
The only positive thing in this whole story is that a dear friend of mine fell victim to a narcissist, and I was there for her.
So true. This was one of the red flags I saw early on from my ex, but I thought that it was just lack of manners. That in time, he would pick it from me. But nope!
I'm Indonesian, and we say "Terima Kasih" here.
I also would like to say terima kasih for all your videos, and the way you educate us on all things narcissistic.
"SHOKRAN" is Thank you in Arabic. from Egypt.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for enlightening us about decades we have lived in endless perplexity trapped in absolutely worthless relationships.
Your videos have been very empowering to many of us.
It feels nice when you talk on narcissism . Thank you so much 😘❤️
The answer is "every part of the world has been affected by narcissism since the dawn of times, unfortunately". Obrigado, from Brazil!
É nois
It was the first time I'd ever seen it so brazenly overt...
Or "obrigada" for women
After I spent a day or morning helping her, including lifting a wheelchair in and out of my van, helping her shop in the stores and carrying many bags of groceries from the car, my narcissist would thank me as I left, but she refused to look at me and always kept her head down. Now I understand that her thank yous were forced and insincere, and found that behind my back she was badmouthing me to entertain her her so-called friends.
The narc in my life would rarely express gratitude to me, but I would hear from family and friends how he "praised me" to others. However, behind closed doors, is something entirely different.
These are the people who’ll turn up to someone-else’s kitchen (either they’ve moved out or never paid rent there to begin with), eat their food (etc.) and still slag them off when they think the host isn’t listening. Extreme entitlement generally goes in the way of gratitude and understanding how to truly appreciate.
"Thank you" in Portuguese: "Obrigado".
Faleminderit, in Albania!
In Russian language a simple "Thank you!" is: Спасибо! (Spa-see-bah). Thank you, Dr. Ramani!
When raised by narcissists you don't know what is missing even when it is gratitude or even love, so when it is still missing in subsequent relationships you don't recognize it or know what it means, you just feel like something is missing and this can develop into a vague sense of emptiness and feeling used. Narcissists don't give credit to others, and they feel entitled to every positive thing they get. They don't value others. They are takers.
Jamaican 🇯🇲 patois: "Tank yuh".
Keep up the great job Dr. Ramani. Thank you very much. 😁
"Pure relentless never satisfied
entitlement" 🎠
The narc would always say “no sorry and no thank you needed in the family”. That was disturbing
Beware of the narc that portrays the fake gratitude. If you don’t feel it with warmth, it’s a act.
In Romania we say "mulțumesc". That "ț" is the equivalent of "zz" in "pizza"
Thanks for helping us here start to learn another language. For me it could help me write better right now.
The closest I ever got to a thank you was when I took time off work to take care of him after surgery, he said "mum said to say thank you for looking after me, she really appreciates it". He's 40 😳 No thank you from him though!
What a backwards thank you he handed you. 😐
😂😂😂😂😂 that's awesome!
Dear Dr. Ramani,
The words "Thank You" do not began to express the magnitude of my personal gratitude for you. Your labor of love in producing these videos which are a wellspring of information, reflection, and healing from the abuse at the hands of a narcissist have been personally invaluable. Especially after you intimated the lost human potential of those who falsely believe the narcissist is correct in their valuation of our selfworth. That video did bring big tears to my eyes. Please continue the insightful and timely production of your videos on this topic. Once again a heart felt thank you.
Amen to that!
Well said and I very much agree! Thank you for expressing this well for yourself and for others. Dr. R, thank you for utilizing your gift to help others! Amen and namaste.
Well said! Bravo!
Couldn't have said it better myself..Thank you Dr Ramani!
My ex used to say for years, that my parents told , that am ungrateful. Himself criticized me also for being ungreatful. All projection he was using on me, to stress me out and to make me feel bad.
Lisa Romano tip to go about the day about everything being greatful ..like RN I'm greatful for this video I'm greatful for shower I'm about to take ..im greatful for my clean cloths ECT every single thing I encounter I say I'm greatful . even the lessons.
“Thank you” in Serbian: “Hvala”
I think it’s more than just the ability to say, “thank you.” It’s also the ability to thank god (or whomever) for all your blessings, to practice gratitude in your daily life. I think out of this comes empathy and love for others.
Gratitude deep down requires a (healthy) interdependency on others. This is in direct conflict with a narcissist's pathological need to be in control of evoking negative/angry/panic/anxiety/confused/fearful responses from others.
"[Healthy people] feel blessed to be in the presence of someone who is doing something kind." You hit the nail on the head! Thank you for all your wonderful insight and uplift! God bless you and your mission!
Baie Dankie (pronounced “buy a donkey”) - “thanks a lot” in Afrikaans
Odendaal men are 'crazy'.
🌈🌞 beautiful 🙋♀️
My grown daugher has NEVER said "thank you" to me. I babysit my grandson every week. Cooked and cleaned for her when she was having her son. I even used one day a week vacation day from work during last summer so she could work while I babysat because her babysitter was on vacation. When she was little...I tried to teach her gratitude...but she couldn't say the words....I thought she would grow out of it...and learn from my example. My grown kids say I'm "needy"....yet I have never asked them for a thing. I just want LOVE, appreciation and kindness...respect.
Narcissus love disrespecting you because they get supply from it.
Things are always one-sided with a narcissist.
They don't want to say, "Thank You," because this is validating you and that is not on their agenda because it's about devaluing you.
Why?
Again, it's about getting "supply."
Narcs are sadistic by nature.
Hurting people, especially emotionally is like a "high" for them.
Narcs are inherently abusive.
They choose to mistreat you.
Best to keep your distance.
Use the Greyrock and stop reacting emotionally.
The Narcissist needs an emotional reaction from you in order to get "supply."
Be stoic, indifferent and never tell them your business.
They always work against you because dividing and conquering gives them narcissistic supply.
Expect attempts to disrespect.
Protect yourself.
Never confront a narcissist because they will turn it around on you because they will never take any accountability because they don't get narcissistic supply that way.
A Narcissist must have a scapegoat.
Do not allow yourself to be that person.
Have boundaries! 💐
NZ as Sam Vaknin claims, narcissists are created, how a child is treated determines their behaviour. Narcissists are not born they are created.
It’s sad when we teach our children not to bully as kids, they turn out to be that bully towards you as a mother,, it’s the hardest place to be in when your own kids treat you that way. I’m sad to say this before the cycle is repeated, you need to be at their level of emotional disconnect to make them realize (if they realize) what they’re doing to you, or you’ll keep being the narc supply until they throw you out of your own house, sadly, I’ve seen kids do that to their parents. Don’t do more than you feel like doing, and take care of yourself before anyone else.
same experience for me. Most gifts I gave to my adult dtr, I never saw again. Apart from never saying "thank you", she dumps my gifts somewhere, even the gifts that she ASKED for!! She trashes them, sells them in her garage sales, etc. This is the question that is finally addressed here, the question for which I could never find an answer. I kept trying to be a really good "mom" but I've been invalidated at ever turn. I gave up and am free for the last 2 years.
hanbukhari Being unable or unwilling to say ‘no’ to a child and set healthy boundaries can create a mentality within the child that they are ‘special’ -of course the world will not agree with them eventually but that’s another story. I have seen within my own experience (a relative) she spoiled her daughter and now the daughter is grown up, she has zero respect for her mother and feels entitled to behave however she chooses. What I believe is the mother created the monster by her capitulation to her daughter when she was a child. It’s an unpleasant truth. I look at my own grown up children and I am 100% responsible for how they turned out, not their individual actions but for how they carry themselves and behave towards others. I hope you find a way to look deeply and within and eventually reconcile and find peace. Oh and it’s never to late to set boundaries with anyone, however difficult to do. You are worthy of respect. Teach people how to treat you, I wish you well.
Never in 21yrs there was always a BUT
First, I love seeing all the "Thank yous" in various languages. Makes me smile. 😊
Second, SO true! On social media you can tell the ones who are just trying to get the attention versus expressing humility, because they start name dropping, and will even send out "special" thanks like they are at the Grammys or something. It's all about their ego.
So true! The horrific description of the restaurant scene was the perfect example of people who don't even have the nobility and nurture of some animals.
Each video is like another piece of the puzzle falling into place. Not only are these videos so fascinating you can't stop watching them, they explain all the unsolved mysteries that made up the trauma and caused endless painful rumination. When you understand why these people act the way they do and what to do to protect yourself from further abuse, the sting is taken out of it and you can heal.
I feel like a post-surgery patient that has finally been given a shot of morphine after waiting for long painful hours in recovery!
I will always be grateful to Doctor Ramani whose name appropriately means the beauty of Krishna. Love, endless blessings and a thank you as big as an elephant.
When you do something, the narc will compare you to an ex (say you're in a romantic relationship of some sort). Say you treat him dinner, he'll say "I remember this we went there etc etc". When you do something, its always met with comparison with other similar experiences from their past and devalue you, making you feel like you're always "less" than their past.
My narc mother used to compare me to my older sisters with "why don't you be more like P. or S." or unfavorably to her sister "Oh, you are just like Shirley"!. Or, you have a forehead just like your father (a negative). This when I was still a girl and not knowing who I was.
I would love to see a video on why we feel guilty for attempting to leave or even going grey rock. Also how we can easily forget something they did or feel guilt for bringing it up even though it was never resolved and they never admitted. Thanks for the content
Omg yes!! I would love for Dr Ramani ti explain that too! I’m at that point in my relationship now , it’s crazy
Rachael Flores Sorry you are going through this! It’s so weird and keeps you stuck until the next time you realise how cruel this person is.
YES!
+1
It's a yo-yo game they feed on. They love it as long as you have those feelings because they put the blame on you. It's never their fault.
It's the trauma bond.
For you it is one step forward (towards freedom), then 2 steps back (back to square one). Then it's harder for you to step forward. 3 step forward. Then back. 4 step back. Etc, etc.
It can go on and on for ages, years. Until you reach your breaking point. Or the narcissist discards you.
But yes, that's the trauma bond. And the hoovering. She has done a few videos on this.
When you want to leave, they will hoover you back. They will be all very nice to you again, to make you question why all this? Making you feel guilty, have empathy for them and so on.
It's a game. It's their game. They feed you on this poor damaging feelings you have.
This is the cycle of abuse to be honest. I always say narcissist abuse is a form of domestic violence.
Well it won't be domestic when in a workplace but otherwise yes, it is domestic violence 100% in my book.
As for children growing up with narcissist parents, it's child abuse. No one can say domestic violence when there is a child in question. (DV in the UK at least, is from age 16, by law).
I think their idea of a thank you is to say they like what ever you did like the way you cooked a meal. Their enjoyment is the best you can expect.
It seems like showing gratitude and remorse are considered to be weaknesses by a narcissits. Their egos are so fragile that they cannot take a chance that someone would see this weakness in them.
It wasn’t until I realized he was a narc that I truly realized that he never thanked me for anything, and when I would give him something and wasn’t thanked, I made excuses for him. But one time was REALLY annoying...
The day before thanksgiving I left a present on his desk with a note. It was supposed to be for Christmas but I didn’t want to wait. He had been depressed and not eating, so I got him a sampler box of international spice mixes (he enjoyed cooking, especially spicy foods), and the note said I hoped he would get excited about food again soon. I left before he saw it. Over that weekend we exchanged a few texts and he didn’t mention it. I thought maybe I put it too far to the side, out of his sightline, and he didn’t see it. When I came back to work Monday I checked his desk and it was gone. I was afraid it had been stolen because OBVIOUSLY if he had seen it and took it home he would have thanked me. After he came to work that morning I gave him time to see if he would say anything... and he didn’t. So I casually asked him if he saw a little wooden box on his desk the other day... “yeah, I got it.” NOTHING. Not even a “that was nice.” And my brain scrambled to find a way to be okay with it rather than say anything to challenge him, because, as anyone who’s been through this knows, EGGSHELLS.
Ugh. Such a jerk.
omg that speaks volume about him....run!!!
Sounds familiar! You aren’t alone on that feeling and experience. It’s so bizarre because you’re waiting for a thank you and it’s just empty air, nothing, no appreciation. So non human like. Similar to a robot.
Never againnnnn...mine did this then say I’m picking a fight or I never give him time to say thank you. Yeah right bumb imposter.
FUNNY STORY: Me, sitting with my PC ready to watch Dr Ramani, Narcissistic Husband arrives home, in a vile mood, full of toxicity ready to pick over everything he sees which does not please him. Me: Feeling tense and needing to keep my distance as much as I can {I`m disabled} reach for my headphones. I begin watching this video as he paces about retelling conversations he`s had and been totally grandiose and toxic. Me: Oh yes, so true, Mmmm, I see, etc.... as I listen to Dr Ramani and reply to her while he is droning on and on, he`s certain I`m answering him, oblivious to my headphones as he has not even glanced my way. This goes on for the whole of the video and he then walks upstairs singing to himself as he`s convinced I`ve heard every word and dutifully agreed !! Great video Dr Ramani !
Oh wow...that part about their seething energy when they come home pissy sounds just like my narc x!!! Hang in there...
How many times have I heard exactly that same toxic rant! It was his standard form of communication about his work day. He would pick the tiniest transgression and blow it up like a puffer fish. It’s awful.
@@deanli5793 Puffer fish! lol 🤣🤣🤣. Puff up! Puff up! Oooh so big and intimidating!
@@misslisa1 I will !
I'm sorry, but I didn't find that story the least bit funny. I found it deeply depressing. Why do you choose to spend your life with someone like this? You do know that you only have one, don't you? Honestly, why do you subject yourself to this?
Thank you Dr. Ramani for sharing & going against the current, & being brave & courageous in taking a stand for all the underdogs of the world! Thank you again, for stating the truth, & sharing your thoughts & experience w/us. So that we’re not walking in the dark about this topic.
It’s confirmed my husband is a narcissist, he is not capable to show gratitude, except to someone who can supply a service or a kick back to him for free. Decisions to be made!
I worked and built my ex husband's business even to the point of being a slave. Was never recognized or appreciated, not at work, not at home. He would never thanked me and on the other hand, he used to blame me for his own mistakes. He made me feel like I was noone in front of other employees even. The abuse was so bad that I still suffer from it. And I always waited for that thank you even until today. It will never come. I know that now. Thank you Dr. Ramani, for helping us understand this cruel personality disorder.
Am in your shoes at the moment. Being treated like an employee yet l have also worked my knuckles off for us to get where we are in the business. Am on my way to self healing and getting stronger and stashing small amount away. Am bidding for time and out of here .
Narcissists that have early childhood trauma have trouble seeing their close ones as other people, as individuals with their own boundaries and needs.
But they are so sick that the one they’ve captured can’t heal them! The victims can only escape...
Hope your narc won’t find your comments. They won’t like it at all! Many of them are monitoring all the social devises one is using. Reading the emails and messges and letters of their close one, their victim number one.
@@allthingsarepossibleinChrist I am so sorry you are going through this, if you would like to chat sometime, my email is elocaro@hotmail.com. I am here to give you any advice you may need.
So sorry you had to go through that. That sounds horrible. I wish you well in your recovery.
I’m sorry - same exact situation here. Very painful.
They only notice you IF:
1. they need something,
2. are angry at you
3. they need a target
SOOOO true ! I do not exist except to serve, grovel, extol, or get screamed at by him...
Thank you, You've helped me more than anyone else! My family are Narrisists and only care about themselves. They only give a narcissistic thank yous, they aren't truly grateful
Dr. Ramani thank you so much making us aware of these patterns. These people have no gratitude nor they repent for the most meanest comments they pass on to you. Never feel sorry for their attitude. My heart breaks when I see such behaviour.
Well, for God's sake, Thank You Dr. Ramani for dedicating a large portion of your very busy schedule to fighting a human psychological pandemic that is more deadly than COVID-19!
Indeed. When the topics of narcissism and mental heath were introduced to the media, they needed no promotion or marketing at all. There was already a widespread need, and people flocked to obtain the information in droves, and they are still doing so, all on their own. Meeting such a need goes above and beyond community service, and Dr. Ramani deserves honorable recognition for providing this service to people worldwide.
Narcs definitely don’t show gratitude to their spouses. Never a thank you for anything. They certainly know how to thank strangers and people they want to impress.
Or thank you's without feeling. Weird, and hurtful.
It seems that they hate only the people closest to them.
@@gracegwozdz8185 omg yessss esp family!
With Narcs, it's all about a power struggle. Genuine kindness would imply being on the same plane as someone they feel they're better than.
I feel there are times when the narc will go overboard and say thank you so much mostly to other people, but when I come over and do his laundry, clean his house, empty his urinals, long story, sweep, mop and dust and I literally spend hours while he lays on the couch watching tv , doesn’t say a word , no appreciation, cook dinner and will say thank you so much for dinner but never says thank you for all the hard work I put in until after I leave , then in a text asking if I got home yet he may mention the place looks great thank you for cleaning. He will not give me the satisfaction of thanking me at the time. I’m just the opposite, I couldn’t sit and watch tv while someone was cleaning my house without constantly saying you don’t have to do that it’s so nice of you thank you, but this is the difference, they actually feel entitled to it. When and if he ever said thank you , it was so strained like forced to say it. With other people though, no problem saying it at all, goes overboard with gratitude. After 13 years , I’m done !
Sorry you had to go through that emotional torture. I think my boyfriend is a narc. The more research I do, the more red flags im seeing. I had to pretty much beg him to say thank you for cleaning his house and doing the laundry yesterday. He struggled so much! Its very scary for me because I dont know know if im just being overly sensitive and cautious because of past experiences or if he really is a narc. Does he lack manners or is he a narc. We are almost a year in and I almost feel trapped on what to do because I do love him. Urrrg. Its very frustrating!!
@@yoyoyo18988 my boyfriend would also have a hard time saying thank you or noticing that I was doing the laundry, cleaning his entire apartment, etc. Instead, if I pointed it out, he’d sometimes say, “good.” How messed up is that? Like he was in a higher position to me or something. Many times, because he hated that I cleaned his place to make it livable, he’d make me feel like he was doing ME a favor for letting me clean his place. Such backwards individuals! Please consider these signs in your boyfriend seriously. I left after six years and it was so hard but so freeing. You deserve much better :)
@@yoyoyo18988 you are feeling trapped because you are a good person who wants to love him. It is called a trauma bond! If you notice these things about him, that is a sign that he is not a grateful person and has some dysfunctional characteristics.
Reciprocation is a form of gratitude right? Well they won't reciprocate anything! 😆
I was just thinking that reciprocity, or the lack of it, was my biggest and most consistent red flag that I kept ignoring. You become subservient to them and their wishes, to get them to treat us the same as we treat them. It doesn't work.
I have a landlord lady who i paid 150 euro 2 weeks ago for a house without water and electricity so i borrow her electric for only 2 lamps and charching a phone.
And she cut my electric cause she now wants more
But i have no rights in this house so what to do??
joy joy Move quickly before it gets worse!!
@@chriswyma145 mine would get a little angry over simple stuff. I would just look at her like this.... 😐
@@chriswyma145 Yes. That's why I'm constantly accused of "arguing all of the time". Of course, she never takes into account that she's complaining "all of the time".
I've lost my ability to cry. I can feel like I'm going to burst from needing to cry... I just can't for more than a decade. I'd love to have you do a video to help me with getting past that. Thank you for all you share! I'm a senior citizen who grew up in a very dysfunctional abusive home, broke a lot of the cycle, although not all of it, since I repeatedly got into dysfunctional relationships. I've learned more from you than I did from years of counselors.
I am not a qualified physician but I understand that hormone levels can affect the ability to cry. Perhaps a physician would be able to determine whether something like hormone levels are contributing to your inability to cry. Male hormones tend to inhibit the ability to cry, and they have less "competition" as female hormone production decreases in later years of life. There is no way for me to know if this scenario could apply to your case, it's strictly between you and your doctor. I do know that when women produce or are given extra male hormone, it can inhibit the act of crying as indicated by women who are being treated with male hormones for cancer, when women reach later years and do not produce as much female hormone, or when transgender men are given male hormones to develop masculine secondary sexual characteristics such as facial hair and deeper voice. Whatever the case is for you, I wish you all the very best and I hope you are having a wonderful day. 😀🤗
Watch videos on restoring faith in humanity and that should get the tears flowing. Then you can transition into your painful past. But why cry? If I were you I would be happy that you are finally free. Forgive yourself and your past. It's never too late to start a new lease on life.
I was the same way for years, now I cry at least once for a few moments everyday when a flashback comes up. I dont stuff it down I just let it come and go.
I would try the tapping solution by Nick Ortner...his work has helped me manage my emotions...it’s all ok and every emotion you have is ok and trying to tell you something....honor you’re feelings and honor yourself ❤️
Perhaps it's from NUMBING
Yourself from Years of Abuse,
& Shock. Are U safe?? I HOPE
SO, but Thats a Shock Too.
When U Bury Your Feelings
YOU BURY THEM ALIVE.
SO TRUST ME, THEY R THERE.
When U Do Start Crying, Have
A LOT of Tissue, & LET IT OUT!!
Get the Toxicity OUT OF YOU,
& it Comes Out Thru Tears.
My Suggestions 2 Help You,
Movies, i.e. The Power of One,
Wheeler, Shawshank Redemption,
The Upside of Anger, Cinderella
Man, It's a Beautiful Life,
The Boy in The Stripped Pajamas
It IS TRAUMATIZING,
The GOOD NEWS:
DR. RAMNI 🥳🥳🥳🤗😊
Thank you..tusen takk, dr. Ramani. Hearing about what other people don't do right makes me sick. Especially coming from those 'high above' all others. Gratitude is not in their hearts, they take all they can and then stab you in the back..
Děkuji mnohokrát. ...for your effort to educate people about this subject. ...you have helped me, Dr. Ramani, to keep my sanity and bear my work situation and to understand my childhood and relationship with my mother...everything is very clear. ...thank you very much once more...love from the Czech Republic 🌻🌹🍀
I think that only humble people with a strong personality can be truly grateful. With others, it is only pretence in order to climb higher in the society ladder or wishing to be part of the community. For narcissists, it is a weakness or corwardness to express their own vulnerability. Though they may fake it for their own gain.
"Köszönöm!" in Hungarian. and I mean it , so grateful for the work of Dr. Ramani ;)
When my narc says “thank you”, I get the icky feeling that I am a dog being given a treat so I will repeat the desired behavior.
Thank you Dr Ramani for the ginormous gift you are giving to the world through your work on UA-cam. You are a huge blessing to me and many countless others!
"Salamat!"(Filipino) or "Salamat po!"(repectful to an elderly)
Salamat, Dr. Ramani!😊
My sister was so grateful for me financing her business until I stopped. Then the disrespectful entitled, exploitative and lack of empathy and understanding side came out. She became emotionally abusive when she thought she didn't need me anymore. I lost money, and belongings as a result. If I stayed around I would have dug a larger financial and emotional hole for myself while feeding her delusional ego. Language of Letting Go
Good thing you got out! Best wishes for you letting go even though it's hard. :/
Same with spouse - wondering if I should exit sinking financial ship now or try to regain some of the lost funds...
100% get that. My sister is a Narc and it's funny sometimes she's almost able to convince me that she does care about other people. We'll talk, often about her tech setup. She's a lawyer and has managed to streamline her workflow a lot by asking me, "Is there a way to do X with computers." And I'll be like, "Yeah you can do that with a scanner that has OCR" or "Yeah you can do that with an iPad Pro and Apple Pencil." Or she'll be like, "I'm looking to do this and I want to buy X" and I'll be like, Y is a better purchasing thing, company X has problems with reliability and they're prone to security problems. And so she'll listen and absorb the stuff that I know that can help her, and it tricks me into forgetting how awful and abusive she is. And then one thing sets her off like expecting her to clean up her cat's vomit from the basement rug, and suddenly she's off on a vicious tirade. I go from being this valuable resource, to this utterly worthless person who is somehow morally beneath her. (The funny part is of course that I have a reputation for being an abnormal stickler for ethics, so she'll go after parts of my personality that I'm actually the most comfortable with. And knowing that I know now it honestly doesn't bother me that much. I just don't want to deal with her and hope she leaves soon. I am always a little worried she'll turn violent again. But she hasn't really been physically violent since we were kids.)
Mine is a violent narcissist... as a child when you complimented her she would say "I know"
I appreciate and agree with all you shared. I think another reason why gratefulness or saying "Thank you" is so hard for a narcissist, is because it would take a measure of acknowledgment that someone did something truly laudable, nice, kind, etc. and that is so hard for them as t-h-e-y want to be seen as the kind, laudable, nice, one. It takes attention off of themselves-and onto another-and that is something they hate.
Thank you! I have broken ties with a “friend” of 10 years but I can hardly call her that upon reflection of our interactions and her take-but-not-give routine. I literally saved her life bringing her back from no heartbeat (not expecting any acknowledgment here) and she told me I should have let her die. This really shows how destructive and tortured her mind and heart are, which makes me sad, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Bottom line, I literally was there for her at her many times of need. She is getting herself back on her feet to self sustainability through programs I helped connect her to, and has no interest in a friendship with me anymore. This is the hardest part for me because I’m so happy for her, care about her well being, progress and would love to hear good news of her life, and she deliberately shuts me out when I was the one who gave her shelter, and support. I can’t care anymore about someone who can’t say thank you for reasons of their own shame of the way they lived their lives. It hurts my soul and heart. I care too much about everything and everyone but have to care about myself first. You stated you read the comments and glean insight into topics you speak on. That’s why I commented. Perhaps you could shed light on or direct me to where I could gather strength to protect myself from exploitation, if not here? I’m obviously codependent but i worked through that years ago. I should reread my books 😁. Thank you for sharing your videos with us. 🙏
I was involved with Narc and did incredibly sweet and thoughtful things. It’s only my opinion that they have brief moments where they do appreciate what you do but sadly the disorder takes over and it’s very short lived and the sense of entitlement comes in. Same with cheating. On some level they feel guilt or know it’s wrong but once started just feel entitled and see no harm in it
I believe it's their decision to be foul and toxic-not a disorder
Becky Alenazi narcissism is a cluster B personality disorder. So they “know” what they are doing but the illness is real.
I was once in a friend group for about 5 years and I noticed that if I said "Thank You" to them that they would think they had given me too much and they would take back or retaliate for whatever they'd given or been thanked for. It was weird, and towards the end of these relationships I stopped saying thank you and told them why. I just stared at them and said, "cool." Those relationships devolved very quickly. I don't know if this is related, but I feel like it is related somehow.
That’s messed up response to a thank you. I’m learning to pay more attention to red flags like this. Look up narcissistic “devaluation”. It sounds like you were at the “devaluation stage” in this odd group of people.
My mother is disabled and a few years ago we brought her to live with us when she was at a low point. The intention was to make it a permanent arrangement. My husband and I had several rural acres and we thought it would be best if she had her own place. We were going to build her a decent little house that would keep her close enough to take care of, but give everyone their own space. We figured that, with items from the Restore we could build her a basic little building that was still of good build quality.
When I told her about this, she was thrilled and wanted to see the floor plan. I showed her. It was a 16' x 48' tiny house on a slab foundation. It would give her all of the basics. Standard eight foot ceilings. We wanted to use 2x6 framing with LOTS of insulation to keep the quality up and the long term utilities down.
She immediately began to 'correct' the plans. She wanted to lengthen the roof so she'd have a covered porch. Wanted gables. Wanted a complicated roof line that would make the ceiling higher in some rooms. Wanted extra windows and wanted to specify things like window measurements. Wanted to change the layout from a straight shot to an "L" configuration. I tried to explain that we were going to have to buy the windows second hand and that we were going to have to be flexible and take what we could get. I explained to her that the budget was REALLY tight and that we couldn't afford any frills. My husband is a capable man, but he's not a builder or in the trades and we had to keep the design simple so that we stayed within his skill level. He's built quality sheds and a garage that thrilled the code inspector, so we knew he could do a good job, but it had to stay simple. (His biggest flaw is that he has a tendency to overbuild, but I can live with that.)
She had a furious tantrum. "So I have NO say in MY OWN house?! It's MY HOUSE! It's MY house and I should have the choices! How dare you offer to build me a house and then cut me out of the planning completely!"
"We don't have the money for anything extra," I said quietly.
"Well, all buildings cost the same by square feet so making it an 'L' shape shouldn't make a difference!"
"But he's never done anything like that before. He knows how to frame and shingle a basic roof, but he's never messed with anything beyond that. And he's also got to WORK. He's the one paying for all of this and he has to build this by himself. He doesn't even have the *time* to learn new skills like this."
We went back and forth like this for awhile and I finally lost it. I said, "This is the best we can do! Take it or leave it!"
She leaned forward and hissed, "Leave it. I don't want this garbage. This isn't even a house! This is a shack and you're not going to throw ME into a shack."
The funny thing? He recently built a personal gym for himself. 12x32'. A standard little building that was all his for his workouts... that has just one big window we found at the Restore. When she saw the photos on FB of it going up she actually tried to move in. smh
Oh, this so speaks to me! When my Narc hubby turned 65, our adult children created a scrapbook full of photos & congrats or memory letters from friends from throughout his life from all over the country. When he opened this amazing gift (which took weeks to pull together, he sat there for close to 50 minutes NOT SAYING ANYTHING AT ALL BUT HAPPILY TAKING IT ALL IN HIMSELF while I and our adult children & their spouses waited for the palest of gratitude responses (which never came). The next day I (foolishly) commented that he had not even said "Thank You" to our children for all the effort they went through to create such a gift (they live on opposite coasts of this vast country too) and hubby just got angry at me for mentioning this observation,, claiming that I was wrong - - that he HAD expressed appreciation (which he had NOT). It was after that event that I decided that I would not buy him any more birthday or holiday gifts beyond a small token that took no time or effort, not even a card. Such a sense of entitlement and inattention to other's efforts - - it's horrible!!!!!
When he'd be freaking out, having A meltdown, raging out, I would try to remind him of all the things we could be grateful for to take the focus off of what he was angry about. He never wanted to do this. It pissed him off even more when I tried!
South Carolina here! ❤️💕
That is a great point! Not only are narcs not grateful to the people around them; they are never truly grateful for the blessings they have had in their life in general! They only want to focus on what they wanted and didn't get! For instance: a male friend who had his share of girlfriends and lovers in his life before settling down in his late 30s in a happy and compatible marriage. He would often bemoan to me that he wishes he could have been more bold and outgoing and had even more lovers in his younger years! He also bemoaned not ever becoming super wealthy and successful like a classmate of his. But I would remind him often that while he never became super wealthy, he did okay. He never became super famous and successful but he did achieve some success and fame in his career. He had made and kept many friends in his life. I also would listen to his many stories of fun and adventure in his interesting life and then remind him what an unusually fun, interesting and adventurous life he had led! I told him that he really had all-in-all had led a very good life of which he should concentrate on all the good things and blessings.
Maybe he just needed to be angry and thought you were disinterested in his feelings by bringing up unrelated talking points.
do what my friend does....agree with him and make him more crazy and mad....he will be puzzled ..they r sick
“Dankie“ in Afrikaans -South African living in UK; Dankie Dr Ramani, for your 💕 Love
Nie te danke. Dis 'n plesier
South African in the French speaking part of Switzerland. Merci
British in UK :) and just left my last toxic person, 45 year friendship .. and step dad. Never again. Celebrating touring in my little campervan, bliss, now at Dawlish with pasty and cuppa yeyy
Cheers!!
Buy a Donkey, S.A. from Australia
They consider the way they impact others, they take pride in the harm they cause and are never thankful because they think we owe them.
Husband and I gave our niece a monetary gift for a milestone. Her mother did not even say thank you or even prompt her daughter to say thank you. She said, “oh money!” Yet when it comes to other family, my sister in law definitely says thank you. SUCH entitlement.
Also, my MIL encouraged our niece to get her loose tooth out because, “there are lots of tooth fairies who can give you money.” 🙄
Doctor Ramani I need to tell you, THANK YOU! You have a talent for expressing the matters of the heart. I have learned so much through your clear perspective it is healing and changing me. You really have no idea the impact you are making in the world. Keep on being you.
Sincerely
Laura
Thank you in Arabic ( shukran)
Another layer to it is that they may “thank” you, but there is no reciprocity (as reciprocity is a feature of a healthy relationship). Furthermore, they give the impression that you have to do more to deserve their “love.” And so may hold back in that show of appreciation.
Gratitude is beautiful and so fundamental in healthy interpersonal relationships. Simply the acknowledgement maintains good bonds without the need to love bomb others.
Your comment reminded me of a situation i have observed as a board member of my homeowner association. It's in regard to how narcissists make you feel like you owe them, or need to do better for them.
live near a woman who creates malicious gossip in our homeowner association, and she recruits new people who just moved here in her smear campaigns. She will get them angry at someone she doesn't like and whom they don't know, and she will task them with helping her complain about them to our real estate management company. But she will sabotage the information she gives them so they will give a complaint that will be dismissed. She then uses the failure as a way to guilt them into feeling like they owe her more and more. In time they catch on to her manipulation, but on occasion someone doesn't and they become her doormat.
Thanks for reading. I needed to vent.
manipulation..run!!!
Gratitude IS SO
important- but it has to be REAL! It MUST be FELT, NOT just mouthed! That’s what is SO important. It’s something like a lot of things- love, trust, respect, and honesty that cannot be forced! I’ve never understood how so many could take so much for granted! Everyone, in my opinion, deserves basic respect, that respect could grow the more we learned the other person- depending- but kindness is a bonus! An act of kindness means that someone has gone out of their way to gladden the heart of the intended recipient.
"Köszönöm" - in Hungarian. Thank you for your great eye opening help.
Dutch: Dank je wel. And yes how hard can it be...? And thank you for all the hard work; it’ s appreciated. 😘