Dealing with the narcissist's oppositionality
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- Опубліковано 23 чер 2020
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I've discovered oppositionality in conversation: anything I say is wrong. I'm always corrected, even if they subsequently say the exact same thing. It's exhausting!
Just yesterday, he asked me to find a physical therapy place close by that would take his insurance. I called one that does take his insurance, but they were going to get back to us to let us know what if any copay there would be... Well as of today they didn't get back to me, I had given him the name of the place and location. I had so much to do this morning including going to my doctor and he was sitting at the computer for hours all morning Yet as soon as I walked in the door he reamed me for not following up with the physical therapy place! Like its my responsibility....so round and round we go... I found the number and gave it to him. Why he couldn't do it without bashing me first, I don't know 😕 mind you he had previously put PT off for 3 weeks now he's in a rush..
Exhausting, yes! Sometimes now I don’t even attempt conversation because so many barriers are thrown up in what should have been a casual conversation. Another house appeared to be empty next to a previously vacated home, when I drew attention to it, wondering if this one had a foundation problem as well…he declared it had been empty for a year, Blah blah blah. The swings and pool were still in the yard and I had but 3 months earlier seen signs of residents. Why even attempt conversation?Sometimes, I recorded mentally how many conversations have met opposition. Make a game out of it if you can, at this point, I can say I like that blue they painted the house, and “what? That’s grey! You mean the grey house? What are you talking about?“diagnosable!
Ohmygosh yes. Or you get asked for your opinion just so they can shoot it down. Or you make a suggestion and that's not ok... until they come up with the same idea. Ugh...
He did that to me too, I turned around and said, “that’s what I just said.” Or he’ll bring something up months later as if it was his idea?
@@diannp6153 That is very typical! You just have to learn how to steer the ship that way!
They love to be passive aggressive too.
They will give you the silent treatment.
Narcs will do this because it is their way of devaluing you.
There is no way to fix these sadistic people.
It is best to use the gray rock and get as much distance as you can.
Plan to cut them out of your life as soon as you can!
@@pegasus5148 I get silent treatment alot when setting boundaries with them !
And how, but don't forget pathological liar! He will either exaggerate or just flat out lie. A typical lie is when being introduced to someone and he will tell the person or the couple in conversation that we're both Pilots we both fly. Okay, my husband may hold a pilot's license and can fly, but I've never held a pilot's license I've only taken lessons and took a test but I am not a pilot but he calls me a pilot to anybody… he makes it like he's proud of me but it's a lie it's just so ridiculous especially with something that you can actually look up because it's public information oh my God!
Oh yes indeed they get passive aggressive. Went through a pattern for a few years with an ex friend where for example I'd be busy trying to get house chores done like ironing and she'd call me half way through that saying I'm coming to pick you up and we will go shopping and I said sorry mate not today I'm half way through ironing and she would say ok and then later msg me saying I could have left the ironing for another time. ... she'd then not contact me for like three months at a time for situations like this then call me out of the blue like nothing ever happened .... I also use to baby sit her cats every so often for her and when I wasn't able to do that anymore oh man suddenly I'm no use for her and she starts texting me saying I'm too quiet a person and my text messages are too short and she expects longer replies and on and on she went . I eventually woke up and grey rocked the bitch and it was the best thing I've ever done. I told her as well everytime she kept asking to go shopping with her I was trying to save money but apparently that wasn't ok and again not contact me for about three months. Lol .I started thinking maybe I was being unreasonable... It was like she couldn't handle I had my own life etc and as soon as I wasn't her minion BAM the mask came off. She didn't even try and ask me what was wrong. They don't have any geniune feelings. Your just an energy supply and if your of use to them that's great but if not adios. Really felt so damaged for years and even after.
@@craig3714 yep as soon I started setting some very reasonable normal boundaries.. oh man each time I got silent treatment like for three months at a time.
“Even if you’re doing 90% of the work they won’t see it.” So true. He claimed all of my successes and labeled me with his failures.
Toxic entitlement
Same here
Every. Single. Day. Everyone in his world - none of whom have ever met me - must have some picture in their heads of this useless, lazy, evil, vindictive, failure of a wife and mom who just cannot be grateful and appreciate the lottery she won when she tricked him into marriage. 😂😂😂 Just assuming, based on how he explains me to me. Meanwhile the pieces of the swing set are rotting, no longer waiting to be built bc even the swing set knows it’s never gonna happen. If it hasn’t happened in the first 5 years of the pieces being on site, it’s just not going to happen.
Yep. I keep the workplace running, but when I stand up for myself I'm suddenly the one who is argumentative, lazy, and a b-word. It astounds me how these narcs rewrite history and are so entitled that they can't be bothered to be told to do thier own job by a lowly assistant. It's not my responsibility to be the dumping ground of all the tasks he doesn't want to do.
Yup. The story of my life in context of work-place
This is SO what I married!!! It is a headache all the time! I have a giant child instead of a helpful husband!
I shouldn’t laugh but your description of having a giant child SO described my horrendous life at home.
@@gillianpears1711 A narcissist doesn't want to be told what to do, wants to be "helpful" and then drives you so nuts asking questions around what they "agreed" to help with that they get you to throw up your hands and say," Nevermind, I'll do it myself!" A big kid/grown boy. And then they win...by getting out of it.
Me: The sky is blue.
Narc friend: no. It’s blue.
Me: lunch at noon today?
Narc friend: no. noon is better.
Me: Want me to open the gate?
Narc: no. I’ll park out here.
Me: parking out here?
Narc: no. Open the gate.
It’s robotic & 100% predictable.
🤣🤣🤣🤦🏽♀️
😆 😆 sorry. It sucks I'm sure but it's exactly how it goes.!
I had a friend like that. And now I don’t. I’m better off
You've met my husband and son?
Oh my goodness, this happens daily with my MIL, what are we doing putting up with this shit. I’m sorry i didn’t get raised to be spoken to like this!!
The covert (coward) narcissists dont have the gut to go against anyone or anything outside of their house. They only fight and oppose their spouse! Their dear and love ones.
Yes. Or they talk big like they are going to tell everyone how it is. Then when they are in front of people they bow down and don’t lol
My brother's wife. She argues with him about everything and wins every time. Puts him down. He can't say anything. So he just growls and walks away and that's in front of others!
They abuse you in private,
Behind closed doors
So their perfect persona is kept intact in the outside world
Their adoring fans , lol
Yes, drama, if you allow it, and/or have to endure it. Getting rid of a narcissist means getting rid of drama, peace of mind, productive life, future ...
@@joywilliams332 If I were you, I would talk to my brother and start strategizing exit from this abusive marriage. There's nothing good comming out of this situation in the years to come, so he should start preparing his exit immediately. Narcs almost never change, if they seem to have changed, this is only to foo and to hoover and manipulate the victim back into trap of their abuse ... the only way your b egg other can win is to exit ASAP ...
I just do everything on my own.
I do loads of things on my own.
It's better than getting yelled at; better than the humiliation.
I can't change anyone. I can only get out.
Yep...
Need to read this. Right now. Thank you even though it's 2 years later.
Keep calm, through daily prayer & meditation. Make plans and make moves. We got this.
This was one of the most difficult things I dealt with being married to a narc. "I bought a new blouse today. Do you like it?" No, the color isn't good. "I got a new wreath for the front door. Isn't it pretty?" No, I don't like it. " I found this recipe for broccoli and cheese soup. I think its so good" No, it has too much salt.I started to contemplate the negative answer before I ask the question...
then decide to just keep quiet. I was walking on eggs all the time.
I’m dealing with this with my brother. He always always points out the negative and when I didn’t know what was happening and speak up he would repeat triggering and just things that he knows I will argue about sexist and racist comments. ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING. He then laughs on my face hand I cry. Can you please tell me how you dealt with your husband and if u succeeded how? I unfortunately can’t leave my brother (17 here) until for two more years.
Manni, I started contemplating the answer before I asked the question. Most of the time I didn't ask thr question cos the answer was going to be negative. Yes, it kills communication.
@@maggiei.6378 And if you tell them it kills communication, they simply dont care. I told mine that she wants a roommate, not a partner, and she didnt reply anything. These people deserve to live with the beasts in the middle of the forest.
@@manimanila.9172 view his negative comment as a thread like a spider he attached it to you. Visualize a pair of scissors ✂️ you pull out and snip the thread, his comment. Walk away with a smile.
Last night I showed a picture of my parents headstone where I've planted flowers for the 1st time since their death 4 years ago.
Me: "Don't the flowers look great?!
Him: "Surprising, since you can't keep anything here alive. You should plant something behind the stone to come up over the top."
Me: " yeah that's what I was thinking too, but not bad for a 1st attempt"
Note: I do have thriving potted plants on our porch. Also our miscarried baby is also in my parents grave and he hasn't gone there. Even when I asked him if he wanted to stop as we drove by. None of this really bothers me anymore, I just don't expect much or even really think about it. It used to crush me. Callused.
They never take a day off to just be normal, always conflict about the simplest things....Drama is normal to the Narc.
that's true
@Gemma Dann You are so right!!
So true
I asked my flatmate 4 month after he moved in when he was finally was going to clean the bathroom. After cleaning once he never did it again. On my questions he was hiding in his room and asking me not to disturb him, because he did not want to fight, and definitely to clean. When I asked what is his problem, since he is not my pet and a grown up man - he told me to think about what I had done wrong and mind my own business ( he was using the bath with me though). It sounds funny but it was so annoying. Everything he was doing- was exact opposite of the flat rules and hiding in his room to escape any confrontations. Living like a rat but having his freedom not to wasch his hands and clean the bathroom.
Drama is their baseline
My ex yelled loudly and angrily at me "don't you tell me what to do" when I gently reminded him to put on his seat belt . Until the police officer pulled him over for not wearing his seat belt and have him a ticket.
😂🤣
I learned to do everything I needed and more by being married to a narcissist who was oppositional. Most of all, I learned I could live on my own and without him. 😃👍🏻
Oppositionality can be quiet, but destructive. Like the person who always contradicts *everything* you say, who despises you when you try to help them, and who at the same time feels entitled to your help.
The narcissist has to be opposite to you, so that you don’t realise your true power and worth. If you were to realise that, you would wonder what you’re even doing around them.
Early in my marriage I attended a ladies church retreat with the topic being that of marriage. One of the speakers said, regarding the differences with your husband, “If you were both exactly the same, there would only be the need for one of you.” This became the anthem for my marriage. It was how I explained every awkward or uncomfortable situation where he did what he wanted even if I did not agree. He truly was opposite to me. I made excuses for his behavior constantly. I defended his poor choices because I felt that it was what a wife should do, after all, he always had a convincing excuse for why something happened. I now realize that there was not room in our marriage for the both of us. He took up all of the space, I was only a side note at best, his supporter, his defender.
Oh my....that is exactly correct. We should be taught this at younger ages
Very acurate!!!
💫TRUTH!!!
@@danellefrost5030
The Dating Book said that everything that is opposite, or you two have differences, is like a deduction from a Bank account. Things that harmonize are a deposit.
(My marriage was down by the river in a van) hahaha
Whenever I feel overwhelmed and am being sucked into the narcissist's destructive vortex, I always come back to this channel for a reality refresher. Your extraordinary understanding of all facets of this personality type, and articulate delivery, helps ground me and is literally keeping me sane. Thank you 🙏
Me and you both. I think of it in the way I go to the horoscopes to get a gest of how my day MAY go so I can get ready. 🤭 The Dr. communicate so clearly and her instructions be on point for me. 😇✌️❤️🍷
Same , it’s 5 a.m. here in Amsterdam. I am ruminating on how someone I opened my house and heart to can call me such horrible things. Devalue my accomplishments... tiny or big.... time and time again. It took so much time to realize I need to listen to my gut feeling something was not right about it. Dr. Ramani , is really getting me through these horrible nights.
@@AlexanderDincht
Hope you got out of it 😊
Don't waist your time and money on someone so ungrateful.
it is so NOT FUN to dine out with one of these DRAMA types!!! just go BLOCK
🥂 let's go out and have a few drinks because I do the same. I have to work with a few narcissistic people. They have no clue that I'm "grey rocking". It makes me feel empowered.
The narcissist in my life will do most of the things I ask, but he will do them so badly that I usually wish I hadn't asked
..my 55 yr old daughter, same. I just don't ask anymore.
That can actually be a form of manipulation. He does them badly so you won't ask him again
@@roxanne83 - Exactly right. There are men who brag about it and plan to do it. I've heard it come out of the mouths of many entitled men.
this is called weaponized incompetence, they do the thing so bad so you just don't ask them to do it anymore, they do know how to do it, but they pretend they don't
Weaponised incompetence at its finest.
He's effectively taught the children how to do it as well. I struggled for many years just doing everything myself because it was too hard asking him (and then the older kids) or I just had to redo it because it was that bad, or he'd break what I was asking him to make/fix...just crap like that. And this started early on inthe relationship...and he was always so offended when I would just do stuff myself, after asking him for help and being left waiting, or not asking at all because i didn't want to deal with the fallout
One of the things my father used to do when I was a child, and in adulthood too, was to "play devil's advocate." What it meant was disagreeing with and invalidating whatever I said. Just because. For "fun." When you're a child, all you know is your father, the ultimate authority figure in your life, is constantly telling you you're wrong. Heyyy, that's a real confidence builder!
My father is the same way and always has been. Everything, any idea ive had, problem Ive had, solution pretty much Ive been yelled at and told how stupid it is and "what I need to do". Then proceed to tell me how to go about doing "what I need to do" and he has no clue what the hell he is talking about. That being said I cant say my Dad is real high on the spectrum. He grew up with a drunk abusive, flat out mean father and went to war. For the most part he is a good father.
It took me years to get over this with my father. I used to play along, in frustration wound up and angry at knowing something to be true only to have him discredit that truth. This was pre-internet so I would turn to the outdated Encyclopedias to prove him wrong. Much later in my 30’s I realized that he had no deep understanding of anything, all of his opinions were shallow black/white sound bites. I embraced that realization, that my Dad was not a wise person, and now I keep my distance from him. Yeah but super helpful parenting! Lol.
My dad did the exact same thing. He even said the phrase “to play devils advocate” too. 😳
@@Stolat79 Exactly the same for me, including learning to keep my distance.
@@shesaid8494 It's infuriating. Sorry you went through the same thing.
I am married to one of these. I no longer wear my wedding ring. I have my own bedroom, bathroom and living space. I no longer cook. My husband is no longer my husband but now is my roommate which pays room and board. If i have to live a life as a single woman so be it. I've had lots of practice and can happily live my life as a single woman extremly well. My health is improving as well. My blood pressure and my blood sugar is down, which for me is huge. He was literally killing me slowly with his words and actions.
Gtfo
It does affect your health. Glad you’re feeling better
Absolutely! I experienced the same thing. I left my marriage almost 2 yrs. ago now. Living as roommate status was making me sick! I rather have my own space and not see him living as a single person under my nose. That was just another way to abuse me, by getting away with having married status with me and having multiple women on the side. Sick!
I can relate with you
2 widowmaker heart attacks in last 5 months...doing well. 12 years..unreal.
Everything is about who's fault it is, who's right, who's wrong. The only solution they will accept is absolute agreement and submission to their will.
Yes. This.
They demand total domination
Seriously! If you have small children, they behave so much alike.. sadly you’ll probably get more cooperation from a 4 year old though, ugh
Everything is about making sure it is not the Narcator's fault. And when it is, they then attack their Narc-bait, as though it was some kind of force-field to avoid facing up to their being at fault.
You got it!
When I was with my younger child’s father, I was also running my law practice, taking care of the child by myself, raising an older child as a single parent, doing all of the chores in the house, and paying for everything. My now ex husband (praise all the gods in all the universes for that) refused to work (anything paying less than $25/hr was “beneath” him). We had just moved into our house, and he had decided the floors needed to go. He would sit around all day doing nothing, I’d come back - this was while I was pregnant in fact - from a 12 hour break-less work day with more work to do, and he would insist I had to help with the flooring installation (hardwood). If I had the temerity to say why don’t you work on that when I’m at work as you’re not working atm, he would attack me for being entitled and selfish and nagging and demanding. So I helped. There’s a photo of me doing that work the night before my child was born. My ex also constantly said I was passive aggressive and stubborn - because so often I ended up doing the thing I’d asked him to do multiple times, like cleaning his dishes. After repeatedly ignoring my request, the instant I started to do the chore, he would come shove me out of the way, take the implements to do the chore from me, and call me passive aggressive and stubborn. I lived with that man for a decade. Nightmare.
Narcissism can turn into a form of slavery
Yes. All that. Right there.
Been there, done that... Never again.
The narcissists/psychopaths are aliens living on our planet. There is no humanity, no compassion, no honesty, no love in them. They are incapable, and that is alien to normal human beings.
They all pull from the same shitty bag of narchole crazymaking tricks. My story with one is pretty much the same. Only I didnt get out when I shouldve. Huge, the biggest mistake of my life for me and our son...
This is incredibly accurate. There are narcissists who will rail against being told what to do…but the coverts will passively refuse (by avoiding for years at a time). It is childish toddler behavior. Asking them when you want something is giving them a tool to hurt you….now they know what you want, now they know what NOT to give you.
They will never give you what you ask for, but rather, what they think you should have!
OMG! This is my husband. It doesn’t matter what I ask him to do, he treats me as if I’m his mother telling him to tidy his room!. It’s like dealing with a 2 year old!
Same here, it’s absolutely ridiculous and terrible. I finally asked for a divorce, ready for peace.
My mother used to refer to my narc father as "my eldest."
That description makes a ton of sense. Narcissists are very emotionally stunted people. It wouldn't surprise me if some types of narcissism stem from unresolved early childhood trauma. The traumatic experience messed up their cognitive/psychological development and kept them stuck at that age to a significant extent, so they act very childish.
I love it when they ask you a question after you set a boundary.
"Why are you acting this way?" "You used to be so nice..."
My boundaries were to stop assassinating the character of me or my family, to stop making derogatory statements about me or my family to the children, and to stop trying everything she could to limit my contact with my family or control who I spoke to. I thought these were quite obvious standards that didn't require anything of her, but I was mistaken. She ignored them.
Oh yea. When I was 14 my mother wanted take out from a certain place for dinner but I wanted something else. Since I wouldn’t give in and agree to get what she wanted she literally said, “You used to be a lot more diplomatic,” and have me attitude the rest of the night.
Haha yes. I got the “you’ve changed” from my covert narc. Oh. And you didn’t? 🤦♀️
Coral Uru lol they never change
You used to be so compliant.
This just nailed what I went through in 17 years of being married to a covert narcissist.
Me, too. NOTHING I said was ever right. It was exhausting trying to have a conversation with the a-hole.
My husband used to come home from work at any time he pleased so I asked him to call or message me when he left work so I'd know when to put supper on. This "attempt to control him" upset him so much that we ended up seeing a psychologist - him in an attempt to justify his outrage, and me for help in not killing him or myself 😄 Thank God that's over!
Some people have what I call "the gift of contradiction" and you just know they're going to bless you with it at every opportunity!
Good way to think of it’
Good heartfelt comment
Oh yes! 😁Well said!
How sage is THIS comment?! Spot-on exceptionally observant TRUTH!!
That actually helps! Thank you! Instead of allowing the individual to "exhaust" me I will turn that energy back into myself and turn it into positivity!
The covert narcissists can be more passive aggressive and sneaky with their oppositional behaviour.
They are like a deadly but slow eroding acid! The worst
Yes they go along with what you are saying, and then when it comes down to it they do the opposite so you are left confused.
@@Jess-kn8vl yes .....it's crazy
My covert narcissist grandmother literally destroyed my reputation with family in mere months when she tricked me into moving in temporary because I felt bad. She lied so often and told them never to tell me because I apparently would “yell at her”. Living with her was a nightmare because she always was the most negative person. You were always doing something wrong . And if you said anything she could use to gossip for attention , everyone in the family would be told so they could drain your reputation for attention.
I honestly cannot figure out if my spouse is a covert narc or grandiose… I feel like it shifts depending upon where the supply came from or did not come in as expected… it’s exhausting. This vid I watched because I used to work with kids and remembered oppositional defiance disorder was a prevalent issue with some and how to ID it. I have always said (to myself) that it’s like she’s a child having a tantrum; the bratiness is real… would leave arguments thinking to myself - damn, I say black she says white even when white doesn’t make sense. Dr. R literally just said this in a vid.
It's like they wait to see your stance on something then deliberately walk to the other side of the chessboard, even if they likely agreed with you! They just want a fight.
The want POWER, and if they agree with you . . There’s no power there. So they purposely take the opposite,
No matter how ridiculous, and work like hell to convince you of their opposite position, and if they succeed, that is real power.
They are so stupid, it boggles the mind!
@AnnaMishel you're so right!! What a miserable way to live
these videos have made me realise so much... that maybe i'm not the problem, i'm not loosing touch with reality- i'm not an innately difficult person to communicate with. Its an incredibly sad realisation to come to the conclusion that the person you thought loves you has actually been gaslighting and manipulating you for years...
Yup. It's a sad realization, but thank God we finally found out the truth. We weren't crazy after all.
Narcissists make me feel sick, like literally nauseous, is this common?
Michaela MUA ; Oh, yes! Your body is telling you to stay away from that person...while you still have a pulse❣
Yes
Yup.
(But, take heart... You're in good company - for whatever it's worth!😉😊)
💙💛🌹💜🍎🇺🇸
I feel completely powerless around them. I can't think. Even when I am around something that reminds me of what they did or said so many years ago. I go right back to that scared powerless little girl.
I am never going back to that or them again. They will have to search for me.
My narcissistic mother disagrees with most of the things I say, and when I defend myself or insist what I said was true, she accuses me of being argumentive.
!!!! My sympathies. Mine is the same. She says what she thinks, I say what I think, and when she can't change my mind, she says I'm "starting a fight" when all I did what not be her clone. *rips out hair*
There is no winning with them.
Run! And don’t look back!
I know that. Its SO annoying!!
Yup! I got many narc family including both parents. So I’ve unknowingly attracting many narcs in my life. And disagreeing with almost everything I say (big or small) is prolly one of the main things that ALL of them have in common. It’s a great way to spot a narc. They usually overly agree with you if they are love bombing or want something. Then overly disagree when they are devaluing, jealous, or envious in any way.
I’ve noticed sometimes if they can’t completely disagree (for any reason), they will at the very least just NOT fully agree. Even if it doesn’t make sense.
Example: I use to work at a big brand grocery store about an hour away from where my narc mom and brother live. The one I worked in was one of the busiest/high volume stores in the state due to its location. But the company had many much slower stores in towns closer to where my narc mom and brother live. So the exchange went like this when I visited them for thanksgiving:
Narc mom: So how is work?
Me: Oh crazy busy as usual. The place is always a circus. I’m exhausted.
Narc mom: Hmm...well your brother and I went to (brand name) store in blah blah town, and it wasn’t THAT bad..........????
Your store must be a lot bigger???
Me: ummm.....I don’t work in the store or town that you went to, so what does that have to do with what I said? And no it’s not bigger. It’s BUSIER.....
Then they just sat blankly acting confused. Clearly implying that I’m lying lmao.
OH MY GOD!!! 5:38 "They will fight against something you asked them to do even if that thing is actually to their advantage" this is something that had nearly got me go crazy! You show care for their health and well-being and then they go do the opposite just to feel like martyrs or something and then use that empathy you showed to abuse you and guilt trap you into their abyss of negativity and capitulation. Those specimen are quite the incarnation if everything that's bad you can imagine.
I called him a ‘contrarian’. Heaven forbid I even point out a decent parking spot. Didn’t realize it was part of the narcissistic traits! The more I learn the more I’m brought to tears. I am not crazy and I am not alone! Thank you Dr. Ramani and Staff
Awww...you just brought me to tears 😢
I work with 'at least' 1 kid that has ODD. After much talk about this struggle at work, I thought about looking it up for adults(men) & wondered if it coincided with narcissism and wahlah. Nailed it!
It’s literally EVERYTHING!!!!
Mine will refuse to park close to the grocery store and has to get the exact spot, out of the sun, even if we're only going in for a minute. The nit picky shit I deal with dozens of times a day is maddening.
I've been labeled as headstrong at times. It's usually by men whose behavior violates my boundaries and values. Hence, I get the "she's difficult" label. I wear it as a badge of honor. Because it's important to be headstrong when you have to act in your best interest and protect yourself from people who would rather step over your boundaries.
Yes!!!!
I've had a man talk about how stubborn I was. The fact was that I didn't jump to do what he wanted me to do, which was basically follow his orders.
You don’t even have to be romantically involved for men to do this.
Thanks for the comment. I was thinking the same thing when listening to Dr. Ramini . My Dad used to call me a Hammerhead all the time. It was painful and was motivated by my asking questions. Sometimes I am oppositional...to really bad ideas that are harmful to others and myself. I wonder, given the state of affairs for the planet and human kind, if we haven't been oppositional enough and all just going along to get along.
@@gertrudewest4535 You are so right. It makes me so sad for the world
When planning a couple of hours on Saturday to meet for a coffee with a friend, I put on the family whiteboard planner, 'Sunday - coffee with a friend', he comes and says, "I can't have the kids on Sunday, you have to reschedule!". I say "oh, ok" and hide the smile.
Hahaha that’s hilarious. I just stopped communicating all together, especially about any plans I had.
When I needed to go somewhere, I would plan it when he was just getting out of bed, or I knew he would be playing games (which was 99% of the time he wasn’t working). And I would just announce from the front door, as I was opening it to leave, that I was going wherever I was going. It infuriated him so much, he could no longer just take off to force me to stay home with our child, or cause me to need to reschedule anything. And when we were divorced, I would just announce any changes in plans at the last minute, or lie about my plans and say I had to for work. Because the second you reveal that you are doing something fun and need to shift visitation hours around, they refuse to cooperate. I knew he would do it and I refused to even give him an opportunity to deny my asking. Hahaha made him soooooo mad, he would respond with “I don’t agree to this change” and I would ask why and he couldn’t give a reason, would just say he doesn’t agree. And I would respond with, “well, I have final say in this divorce, so what I say happens”. 😆
“Don’t tell me what to do” was his mantra. No matter how little my request or suggestion was. Meanwhile he would continually tell me what to do and order me. Sad sad man 🤯
After a mental breakdown I was put on ativan. I ran out before I could get to my next appointment and was having severe withdrawals. I asked someone very close to me if they could run to the Walmart Pharmacy to pick up my antidepressants that I was also out of. This person went, and came back empty-handed because they refused to put on a mask to go into the store. I was forced to get up, and drive to the pharmacy myself in the midst of some of the worst medication withdrawals I've ever experienced in my life, all because that person wouldn't get over themselves, and put on a mask to help me in my time of need.
I like how I'm called the stubborn one for daring to push back against his opposition.
Always our fault 🙄
Yeah I think I’m goin to join this support group because I always seem to be the crazy over emotional one as always
Yep! This is me and it's actually an aspect I like about me. I am oppositional and will make it a challenge to move me. It's annoying I know, but easy is not how you grow. I apply the pressure.
@@kitakhat - Get help because you are admitting to being a narcissist. You hurt people.
When we wanted my narc mother to do something for us, we learned to ask her NOT to do that particular task and magically it would be done. If we wanted a particular item for dinner, we always said please to not have steak again- we could count on beef for dinner. She never caught on!
Lol! Been there done that and totally understand!! I'm having to be very careful though because I've got children watching and I don't want to screw them up or cause them confusion since they're not old enough to understand if I were to explain what was going on....
Love it!
That’s funny! The first thing that came to mind with reading this is the narc loves to do the opposite of what we want out of spite.
Reverse psychology!! Love it!
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
So weird. I remember asking my mother if she could cut my sandwiches in triangles, she'd say yes but never did and say she forgot. Such a little thing and easy to do for your little ones but she couldn't even do that. Never thought about it before but I remember always feeling very disappointed.
35 years of this,,my husband would never turn on the oven if I was on my way home or press the reheat on the coffee warmer. Never, ever took out trash or arranged to repair plumbing, furnace,,,nothin’. Wouldn’t know where the dishwasher or washing machine is in the house. Didn’t bring me to the hospital when I had a life threatening emergency told me to call an ambulance and when I was discharged from hospital 2 weeks later he refused to pick me up, my cousin brought me home. Never ever has made me a cup of tea,, it’s just not worth the energy to ask for anything. I am an efficiency machine and look damn good while he has become shrunken and decrepit from laziness.
When we began dating, he was in college, wanting to be a lawyer bc he LOVED to argue. Now I realize I should have seen that as a red flag 🚩
Bottom line they are just children in adult bodies. I suppose that's why they are generally lazy and find people that aren't. They are exhausting.
I wouldn't say they are children.
Narcs are dangerous.
This is because they are sadistic predators.
Making your life a living hell is fun for them.
They don't have a conscience therefore they have no empathy or remorse.
Greyrock them and plan to stay away.
All they want to do is pray on you for supply.
They sure are!!!
I disagree. I think they are unable to put themselves in someone else's shoes as a way of life. Complete lack of empathy, low empathy, and consistent, deliberate cruelty is Narcissistic.
Shelley S yes exhausting! This shows they are stuck in an earlier place in their development. Somehow they veered “left” from the terrible two’s towards victimization, anger and selfishness, winning and control, while the rest of people turned “right” towards maturity and community, towards love and making their contributions to the world. I have to wonder are these narcs ever happy? My father seemed to suffer from depression. He was constantly irritable, grumpy, insulting and condescending, volatile and didn’t laugh unless someone was psychologically hurt. This is how I perceived him when I was little. He did his duty to take care of the family financially but otherwise he seemed empty.
I could cry reading this. I am beyond exhausted. I was just a little worker bee, I still am, but now I feel the physical and mental exhaustion.
I can't deal with these narcissists anymore. I throw my hands up. I'm done.
@Earth Angel You gotta live. Don't be scared just set boundaries and be very watchful of people before you are too friendly. But you gotta go out and live. Be sociable , be happy but just watch out for yourself. I mean before being in a narc relationship i was definitly friendlier and easy going with people but now unless i know you, i'll be friendly but i'm more blunt and cautious with my friendliness.
@Earth Angel I'm just saying Don't live your life being scared. That's bullshit. That's no way to live. Don't let that goddamn narc beat you.
This pandemic was actually a teacher and a revealer. It exposed those with these narcissitic traits. I wonder how many people was awake and paying attention?
I am tryna heal my mother wounds
Another reason why the "the customer is always right"- mentality is so toxic.
Oh man!! That “you can’t tell me what to do!” Comment hit me between the eyes. My ex narc is so contrary.. if I said black, he’d say white.. he even argued when I was agreeing. It really was exhausting.
“He even argued when I agreed”
That had me nodding and laughing- I’ve seen that one play out over and over 😅
Oh yeah, take their side and they will shift to the other!! It's amazing!
Debra Anchante , true example: (how I began to recognize red flags)in the morning I would agree with her on a subject and within an hour, in some cases she would disagree with me on that very same subject that she brought up that morning; crazy making behavior 🤪 !!!
@@mhairiherriot Yes!!!!!! My former narc co-worker would even change her own opinion mid-sentence when she saw me nodding with her in agreement. This behavior is so consistent and therefore predictable, which helps. In the end, you have to grayrock bc you realize talking to them is meaningless.
I told me Narc the opposite of what I wanted him to do
Narcissists feel like they should be able to enjoy all the rights without any responsibility. That’s one reason why it was so hard to co-parent with my narcissistic ex. It was a never ending battle.
4:17
The bell rang ---and after a 45 year relationship/39 year marriage-- I now see ALL that he has been doing!! Throughout this time I would asknof him to do the littlest of things, and this was how he behaved. I ended up doing EVERYTHING in raising 2 kids. He never gave me any credit for all of my hard work. Thank you so much Dr. You are making such a difference!
This is SO enlighting. I did everything in our relationship with the Narc. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Ended up so tired, that I had a nervous breakdown. And, still, he was pushing me to do more, serve him even more. And when I really couldn't because I was very, very sick, he began to call me lazy and soft, despite working and having two jobs, studying a master's degree, taking care of the dog and cats, meeting his various needs, and doing all the chores around the house, all this simultaneously.
This was the story of my 20’s! I wasn’t doing a masters but I had finished a 6 year joint degree from university and college and was doing another year (highly burnt out) in teacher’s college for my education degree, worked a part time job, took care of cooking and cleaning. I was also extremely sick and All I ever heard was that I was lazy. My self esteem plummeted and my self worth still hasn’t recuperated. Now I am married to this man, he has improved 90%, but that’s only because he saw his faults and most of the narcissistic behaviour was learned from his parents. He is quite a different man now, although I know this is a rare case and not the born. We have been together for 18 years. I also had to change some of my own narcissistic behaviour. I wish Dr. Ramani spoke about this more sincerely l, but if you had narcissistic family dynamics, there is no way you don’t learn these models of behaviour. In some small way these toxic traits are still passed on and it takes a lot of self reflection and control to weed them out, and even then not fully!
My narc just says” if you don’t like me as I am then break up with me” Compromise is NOT in his world- Either go along with his world or leave it
Leave it.
Yep, their way or the highway.
You should break up. Why are you doing this to yourself?
If your situation allows you to do so, I think that in your place I'd take him at his word and move on. Narcissists don't often change for the better, and don't improve with age. I stayed with mine much too long, because I was uneducated about narcissism and thought there was hope for change for the better if I just... worked... harder... It won't get better. Take a good long look at how your life with this man feels right now and ask yourself if you want the rest of your life to feel like this. Also, ask yourself if you could stand it if it gets worse. Abusive behavior can intensify over time. If you can't leave right now (and no judgment if you can't - it took me a few years to get out), then get smart on how to survive what this man does to you with your self-esteem and your resources intact.
Don't know what your personal situation is regarding how tied you are with him, but if you have the opportunity to do so then I believe you'd be best to leave.
I was married to a narc lawyer for 32 years until he died. It was exhausting. I did everything .
This is very eye-opening! I didi't even know such a disorder existed! My step-father was a narc who had this but we thought he was just stupid and miseducated. Unfortunately we couldn't kick him out because of the laws here (even though my mother owned the home) and he stayed with my mom for 20 years (I went away to college when I was 18). He opposed literally everything: we couldn't get a heating system installed for 7 years because he disagreed (he wanted a different type but he wasn't paying for it) so we were forced to use electric heaters in the winter which cost a lor of money and we had to heat water ourselves. When the company he worked for had to move to a different building which was actually just across the street, he was extremely upset and kept badmouthing them. When his favourite local chocolate brand changed the packaging (but not the ingredients), he was so upset he decided he wouldn't buy it anymore. He despised even the smallest change even if it was for the better and always found flaws with everything he didn't approve of. I once threw away the packaging of my old laptop because I didn't need it anymore and it had nothing important on it and he said - You made a huge mistake! :)) Looking back, I realize this man was so stupid that it's almost funny. Unfortunately he was also violent and it was humiliating to live in a household like that. But now I have 3 college degrees and my own business and so far, I've made it on my own.
Bravo, you!
Wishing you all the best and healing🙏
I remember one of the very first red flags that I experienced with my narc. He absolutely full on tantrum LOST IT, when I was late to the restaurant for our date, because I misunderstood and had thought that he was going to meet me at his house first (5 min from the restaurant). When I finally arrived, 12 minutes late to the restaurant, he could not even look at me, he was so mad. I ALMOST left. and to this day, I WISH i had left, and never looked back.
OMG!! Truthfully I absolutely hatef going to my ex's place. It was nasty and dirty and full of junk. So besides him being an a****** towards me, anyway I hated being at his place. And he had to know it. No matter how much time or how many days I stayed at his place when it was time for me to leave he would get pissed off. Like he couldn't believe that I actually wanted to go home. So to try to avoid the drama, we made an agreement about the day and time that I would go home. So it wouldn't be such a shock to his system. Well one time it was time for me to leave at the agreed day and time. He said he forgot, and started tripping I mean really tripping. That was the last time I stayed there. He didn't like coming to my place because I'm living with my mother and my brother. We have plenty of space I have a big house and I have my own room. But he just didn't feel comfortable. I feel ya.
@@Donita1213 I totally hear yuh! That's outright controlling behavior and what you described with him getting mad/ upset before you left, that is classic coercive control of a narcissist. That's how it starts. No matter what, don't let him isolate you from your family. Don't let him, please! He will tell you terrible awful things about your family and pick them apart in order to get you to leave them. Its all part of their tactic to isolate you. Please watch out for this. Stay close to your family. Best of luck.
@@catbishop206 oh don't worry. He did talk a lot of crap about my family and our mutual friends because I met him through someone. Well it only took me four months to get away. It should have been one week. I hope you're okay I hope you got away okay. 😉
@@catbishop206 oh and I forgot. He had the nerve to tell me, I better move in with him because of the virus. There was no place for for me to even put down my overnight bag.
That was about a year ago. I don't know how you're doing but I haven't dated anyone since then I don't want to see anyone. A good looking guy was trying to talk to me last summer. And something in my whole being said, NOPE, I'm just too scared I guess.
@@Donita1213 Good for you! glad to hear you got out, and its fine to be single and weary of people. it might keep you safe from now on! Dr. Ramani says whenever she meets someone super "charming" or charasmatic, she gets up and moves on, because the warning bells go off for her. So glad you got out. My situation is unfortunately complicated, and will take some time. I didn't see it or figure it out until it was too late. But its sites liket these and people like you that give me hope! take care and blessings to you.
No matter what you say they have to disagree , its often hilarious if it wasn't so exhausting.
We used to call my father “Mr. Knee-Jerk No” and “Grumpy Gus.” Once I played along while asking him to do this and that. It was all things I knew he would nix. He was nixing one after another with that narcissistic evil grin, like it was a fun game for him to hurt me. My mother used to say “he likes to be mean.” Then in the same voice and tempo I asked him for something I knew he would like. He said “no” so fast without pausing, it was obvious he wasn’t listening (he rarely actually listened to me) and was more interested in making jabs, which he used to defend saying he was only kidding. He stopped for a few seconds as he realized what I had said, but before he could tell me he changed his mind I said, “Aww too bad. It’s too late. You already said no.” I was so happy to have got in this zinger even if it was only once in a lifetime! He looked surprised and shocked as I walked away. I exited laughing.
I hear you. My daughter called her father “Commandant Kill-Joy.” Anything to squash the fun.
Heh, heh. I chuckled with you as I read this.
Comedian Groucho Marx satirized this contrarian personality type with his comic line, "I knew from the moment they commenced it -- / I'm against it!"
They are stuck in that two-year-old stage. I once saw a toddler in a shopping mall with a big NO on his t-shirt.
Well done. At least you showed up his stupid game,once. Well done and very funny. 😂
After the love bombing ends this sums up the entire relationship with these sick people.Yes, he wins marriage all the time. The immaturity is astounding. I could write a book just on examples this this sh**. These videos keep me moving forward and I am so grateful for the work you do, Dr. Ramani.
That was the one thought I had all the time about my ex... He needed to be with a manipulative person in order to get him to do the "right" thing.... I am anything but manipulative... I expect people to do the right thing by me as I do by them...but not with a narc... I remember I did so many great things for him... just wanted him to be happy... cooked great meals, did most of the cumbersome chores so he didn't have to... paid bills, handled problems, etc... to make his life easier I did endless things w/o complaint... but if he did one thing for me I'd hear about it for months...
The confusion for me was why does he choose me or want this relationship when he acted with so much opposition and disdain toward me. There was so much incongruent behavior to his words. It left me in a fog. So happy to be out now and free.
Me too...
He chose you bc you are awesome and everything he's not.
@@nancydenick1875 I think you're right. They're attracted to the light in someone else, then it becomes their goal to put it out. I think it's a compulsion for them.
My ex has always been like that, almost 63 years old. You say blue and he will say red but if you said red he will say blue...just because ! For almost everything. It is so so so tiring especially when you realise they do it out of petulance and like bratty 2 year olds. He never understood that marriage was about cooperation.
Or marriage was about geninue empathy compassion strength etc.. I'm 61,and feel 100 today. Boundaries really messed it up ..hope you do well
The funny thing is, my ex spouted out the tenets of what makes a good relationship as "communication, trust, and compromise;" however, he lacked truth and honesty, so there was no trust, and most things, he refused to compromise on.
@@LoganlovesgmaRobinson What did you mean by "Boundaries really messed it up?"
I am sorry you went through that. I wish you better days. You are right. In order to build life together you need to have compromises. They should be directed at the goal of providing a healthy, safe and fulfilling life for both because, in order to get through tough times, a team is needed. Narcs cannot see this.
They hate cooperation, won't happen.
My covert narc is just silent most of the time. Never calls names, yeling, etc. He does this by just quietly never doing what you ask or he may do it after being re-asked 3-4 times. In fact all of his narcissistic ways are in what he doesn't do or say. Then he just quietly keeps doing his double life or starving this relationship. The passive aggression is palpable but, of course, the words and actions he does do seem very polite, kind, etc. I think he's spent 55 years perfectly the defense, "I never said that or I didn't do that," when, in fact, he did through his actions, inactions and covert manipulation. Anyone else experience this?
Yes. It makes it so hard to leave. Makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me that I can’t tolerate it.
Omg this video describes the last 14 years of my life with my husband. This video makes me realize I am not crazy. Thank you for this. ❤️
One day when I was happy, I sat up boldly and laughed, whereupon the narcissist in my life slumped down with disgust, hating me for being happy. So to accommodate him, I slumped down. Then he sat up and became all superior and judgemental. So then I sat up. Then he slumped and so on and so on. We were like two pistons in a car engine: up - down - up - down. Whatever I did, he would do the opposite and it ended up with him blaming me for not doing the opposite of the opposite of what he'd blamed me for doing.
That’s hilarious 😂
Him telling me that he felt like he did EVERYTHING and that I can't tell him what to do, was spot on. He gets mad when he has to take out the trash or just put up HIS clothes. But the way I see it, if I've got to do everything myself... Then why hell are you here?? Peace is priceless.
I began putting clothes in the wood stove when he wouldn't put them away. Easy peesy. No clothes to clean up. No problem
I'm not a narcisstic but definitely realized now that I had been very oppositional at work. This has just raised awareness to me, I will adjust my behaviour. Thanks a lot
But, at work, you are the only one who can stand up for yourself. If your office is abusive (demanding overtime more than just for the rare emergency) then the best thing you can do is to encourage other employees to stand up for themselves like you do.
Next, you can make sure and be clear on what healthy office structure is, There was a seasoned editor at my job who wouldn't help me with website stuff, because she (rightly) identified that it was bad management on manager's side for not making it clear what her roles were related to the website.
My narc would oppose me even when I was trying to agree with her, as if she could not let me solve the situation and she had to take all credit for it. So she would then twist my words and make up a proposal of her own which was exactly the same thing I had said but with her own chosen words. And if I then agreed to that new version she could continue contradicting herself just to keep opposing me for hours and then say I was the one going in circles. There was no way to get out of it, not even through submission.
Holy crap my sister and dad did this to me too.
Ha, I remember being in a long line at the post office when this rich middle aged guy about halfway in started b!tching about having to wait and how unfair it was to him. We all ignored him and he kept on and on until two matronly ladies, one in front of him and one behind him, lectured him on showing respect and following the rules like everyone else. They didn't back down, didn't yell, until he finally shut up. It was a rewarding experience, made the long wait worthwhile.
Oh wow I've witnessed a similar situation at a post office.
How could you tell he was rich? I know poor people who look rich because they get nice used clothes from consignment shops.
yay for the women who walk with power, use their voice and command the authority they have earned!
@@Autumn_Forest_ as someone who thrift shops a lot, I can say that its not easy to pull off a "head to toe" expensive look from second-hand alone, and for men its even harder- to find exact fitting new expensive shoes, in-style suit coats, etc.... these items are not 'regularly' available at most second-hand shops, but are rare finds for dedicated and lucky 'thrifters'. I don't think we need to challenge Helen's perception of the man she is describing, as we weren't there, and we don't need to invalidate her account of what she observed. lets let her have her perception and tell the story as she experienced it through her own eyes and perceptions.
Get out headphones and rock on! 😆
It is exhausting to have to work around a person’s stubbornness, though. And add fluffing into it and it’s soul crushing. Sigh. Thank you for another great video!
My ex needed the constant fluffing, it was exhausting and frankly not attractive that he needed so much validation just for doing the simplist of things. I'll never in my life date a man who needs me to cheerlead him just for mowing the lawn or taking out the trash 🙄
@@theveganvillainess2404 I held off hoovering the carpet for 10years waiting til my narc cleaned it …
I ended up skipping it
Oh, I've fluffed. It’s degrading. Save it for when absolutely necessary.
@@thomasdalby3567 Seriously? Wow!
The Vegan Villainess agreed. I was terrible at fluffying. I would work all day and come home to a sink full of his dirty dishes. When I kindly asked him to pick up after himself he throw a tantrum. If I did the dishes for him and he could sense my frustration, the he’d start point out the 2 things he purchased from the store that week claiming “ you don’t appreciate the things I do”. He literally expected me to fluff him for buying himself milk and cereal. 😒
I dealt with it just today. I didn't give into it and stood my ground instead, in a thoughtful way. He refused to accept my truth. My truth. He reinterpreted it for me instead. I let him know he's too unhealthy to be in my life. No kids or contracts to bind us so he is now a 100% no contact person for me. Finally, I get it! Excellent video and could not have been more timely. 😘
Dear Dr Ramani, I can’t thank you enough for sharing your truth and knowledge. May your kindness come back to you 100 fold in good Karma.
This is something that I missed. I called it happiness hater - anything pro they were against.
I like that happiness hater ..if it's means you being happy...no way..
Interesting angle. My office bully/narc would often pout and play the victim, or invent hurdles in anyone's plan, just for its own sake or for attention. I'm so glad she's now retired.
When I was a teenager I was dumb founded that they hated to see me happy.
“They will fight against the thing you are asking them to do even if [it] is to their advantage.” - got one good example of that. I was in a long distance relationship with a highly oppositional person. She was visiting me after not seeing each other for months. I was very excited and had everything prepared to have a nice weekend together. I fetched her from the station, had prepared the flat, bought wine and snacks, cooked dinner, carried her luggage. Simply speaking i was eager to be a good host to her and looked forward to make her having a good time with me. Besides a general lack of appreciation for my efforts and instead criticism over small things, on one of these days we were about to go to the beach by bike which was about 8km away. As she had no bike here, i sought out a bike rental store and we went there together. I had all our towels and drinks and clothes in my backpack and carried it in the basket of my bike as we walked to get her her bike. I cannot recall why, but somehow i went to the lady at the counter to order a bike for a day. Because i was carrying our stuff in the basket, i asked her to hold the handle of my bike while i was getting her hers. As she did so, i ordered the bike and paid and then went back to tell her that she could now try her bike for adjusting the seat, which is common practice. She refused to do that and snapped at me “just tell them my height”. I was unsure if she was joking and told her with a smile that this is not how to rent a bike, just like with shoes, you have to try the size. But she just repeated “just tell them my height!”, this time almost yelling at me. In a deescalating attempt and confusion about what just happened, i went back and told the lady that i need a bike for a 1.70m tall girl. The lady - of course - told me that she has to try her bike. So i went back and consciously omitting any arrogant intonation a là “see i told you so”, i told her that the bike lady said that she has to try her bike. With a pissed face and without a word she went there and tried her bike. Later when i called her out on that occurrence after that weekend and stressed her disrespectful and ungrateful behavior, telling her i feel a lack of reciprocity and warmth in this relationship (note that this was one of many events like that), she told me that i was crazy for making a fuzz out of such “small fucking things” and recapitulated that situation as if i had been the one bothering her with the obligation to hold my “massive bike”. It astounded me how someone could possibly interpret the situation as if i had been the one bothering her with an overly demanding task and that her resentfulness was hence justified. While the truth is that i was doing her a favor, doing something for her, for us, if anything, and she sabotaged the venture by refusing to even minimally help me while i was helping her. In retrospect, i cannot omit to conclude that she was seriously impaired in some way with regards to her perception and evaluation of a situation, her role in it, someone else’s role in it. That’s what happened all the time. It’s like someone asks you to switch their light bulbs, so you buy the bulb, get a ladder, screw out the old one to get in the new one, ask them to hold the old one so you can do so, then getting yelled at for that. The same happened with gifts. You surprise someone with a small gift, totally unexpectedly, just trying to be sweet, and the person reacts as if you had victimized them with this gift if it isn’t 100% to their liking. I personally found that the most heartbreaking about this relationship, the going to certain lengths to make the other person feel good, being supportive and caring, and it is not just overseen, but even punished.
I hope that's the last time you ever see or contact her.
You're a good person and didn't deserve that abuse. Dang, hope you ended it!
I have an even better (or worse) one: drunk driving rights. Rage attack that you dare fuss about wanting to be the sober driver and rage attacks and blaming when something happens. (Narcissistic parents)
I hope you left her. I made the mistake of marrying mine. 9 years of pure hell. Nothing ever enough. I'm divorcing mine now. She still wants everything her way. Yes I know now, "who would have seen that coming"
What a blessing it was a long distance relationship. Easier to end that kind.
Oppositional was my father's everything. He and I were the two males in the house of four females. His examples of ways to behave have caused me a great many problems in my life...and my inability to navigate life very well.( I believe I still struggle with this.)
It never goes away because you experience it in the early years of life when you do not yet know how to navigate or reflect on the difference betweeen the narc’s and your’s reality. Narcs want to keep you off guard and ill informed of resouces. Keeping you off guard is a strategy, and has nothing to do with a caring relationship. I think if you know and can say you do not navigate life well, you are already 85% recovered from the abusive humiliations and exploitation. It is impossible to revise anything about oneself if you don’t have your own life, away and independent, and this insight. . Be encouraged because you are well on the path to healing already. Good for you.
Thanks to you all, I don't try to win the narcissists over, and actually I don't give a damn when they call me names that they don't fit me. I don't try to win them over nor try to convince anybody about my inner self. Progress. I love you all and deeply feel gratitude!!!!! Namaste!!!! ❤️❤️❤️🙏🙏
Yaaaay I’m getting there
🙏💙
@@denisefelton5207 🙂❤🙏
It’s definitely exhausting especially when you add in the gaslighting, entitlement, arrogance, etc...
And if you want them to do something, tell them the opposite, and you’ll have better chance at getting that thing you need to happen. It’s sad but unfortunately that’s how they operate.
So true. I learned a long time ago to ask for the opposite also. Even when it's something as simple as the narcissist asking "Do you want to go to restaurant A or B?" I know it's not really my choice. I'll say B if I want to go to A, because I know then she'll pick A. Not because she actually cares about going to A, but because I chose B.
@@ninac2044 You're describing the person I've worked with the longest. Still shaking my head -- and watching these videos just to do some personal damage control.
And really strong narcs who know you are totally on to that technique. They will bait you and if you say 'whatever you do don't make a fuss on my birthday' they know you well enough that you WOULD like some recognition. So they DON'T even acknowledge your birthday. Then they rightfully say "Well you said don't make a fuss". Reverse psychology can be very dangerous with a very narcissistic person and NEVER use that technique at work. They will do the thing you suggest (that you are hoping they will do the opposite) and the blame will all come back on you (She TOLD me to do that!!!) It is a fun party game if the stakes are low, but can have disastrous consequences when the stakes are high.
@Kenny Powers You obviously have not encountered narcissistic abuse. They intend on hurting you. If you try to inform them that what they are doing is hurting the relationship, they will do it more. They are self destructive and destructive to whomever they target. No doubt something DID go wrong in their life. Who hasn't experienced that? It's how they CHOSE to deal with it that's the problem. They will not go to counselling, and they do not get better because they don't want to. They think the world should change to accommodate them. Still feel like listening to them? Good luck with that....
I've asked him to put things back in the kitchen cupboards in the same place they come out of.. so he says... 'I'll stay out. I'll never cook for you again'. I've asked him not to flick the tv channels when I'm watching with him (which is seldom. I'd rather be listening to narcissist videos) and he changes the channels twice as much. Nothing I asked is met with an 'ok'. Grrrr. Just like my three year old grand daughter!!
They get under your skin in every petty way they can think of. Ordinary adult habits are battlegrounds.
OMG, the kitchen cupboard issue! I can relate. So frustrating having to hunt for stuff 'cause he'd intentionally misplace items. SMDH! In the divorce process now and looking forward to getting out from under this. Of course he's being oppositional and not listening to his attorney. Crazy stuff!
Ask them to slow down, they speed up. Tell them you're in a hurry, they slow down.
I think I am with his brother 😂. Really, it's like everything you ask is a huge offense and then they will never do this or that again, like nothing that isn't for their immediate and obvious benefit has got nothing to do with them.
My husband would never even let me touch the remote control. He would easily just flick from thing to thing for hours, it drives me crazy. I no longer bother watching things with him. I just go to my room and watch UA-cam. Funny thing is now he has followed me and instead of flicking incessantly he sits beside me with his laptop watching his own things and talking loudly over anything I'm listening to.
When I was explaining to my mother the colour of our new curtains"Ivory with a claret coloured trim", my husband said "no, it is not claret it is burgundy!!!
I asked if some digital numbers on the dashboard of our new car was the clock , his reply," No it is the time."
Pretty minor I know but he just automatically opposes me without even listening to what I have said. In front of friends when we had some.
I also had years of "the groan" when I spoke. When our adult daughter pointed out that he was doing this he said it was because his knee hurt. Every Time I Spoke For Years. He then went on to do "the sigh", interspersed with "the groan'
Ugh. How disrespectful. He's your ex now, right?
Denial of the abusive behaviors getting you the non narcissist to question your possible misinterpretation. Masterful manipulation.
Pure contempt. They hate themselves and have to believe they hate you. They literally have no clue who you are
Me: " I am going to divorce you. I have have already contacted a lawyer"
Him: "You can't divorce me. You can only divorce me if I want you to divorce me."
He didn't bother to reply to any legal contacts until eventually it was made clear to him by my lawyer that he had to.
As I reflect back 35 years ago to the beginning of my relationship with my not yet husband, I not only finally recognize/acknowledge the first red flag incident, but it now has a name! Between this and the stonewalling, I don’t know how I survived the marriage for so long. I feel as if I have been drained of every bit of life force that was within me. I am absolutely exhausted.
Know the feeling.But you are set up to get much better.Like waking up from a nap
23 years here of stonewalling memories- and all the fixings. 7 months post cold discard including a long term affair and more.
Blessings to you. You were meant for more in this life.
Danelle Frost
You were no doubt very busy with “life”. Education, career, parenthood, aging parents etc. The time just GOES. When you finally have time to reflect, it boggles your mind how you survived so long. You ARE exhausted! I hope you are free from him and find joy again. First, sleep. About a year should do it!!
Wow.. I wondered why he’d always intentionally pit himself against on every occasion.. just because
I really got a good laugh out of this video. Your depiction of how the argument with the narcissist spins out of control in a weird way is hilarious and spot on.
I have never posted a comment before. I thank you so much Dr. Ramani for the many videos that you have posted. They have to help me tremendously in my 30+ years that I have been married to my narcissistic husband. When I came across this video I felt the need to comment on it. In the past I have typically worked in elementary schools as an assistant teacher helping children who are underprivileged and underserved with their academic struggles. With the pandemic this year I decided that’s not something that I want to do because I have an auto immune disease. I just started in August working for a person who didn’t want to send her son back to school at this time. My job is to sit with him and assist him with his virtual school experience. After the first day of working with him I realized why he needed someone to sit with him. He cannot focus and he is extremely defiant and disrespectful. When I saw the title of this video I knew I had to watch it. The young boy that I’m working with seems to be suffering from ODD. I had never heard of it before. But as I started to research childhood ADHD after working with him I came across information on oppositional defiant disorder. It describes him perfectly. So after being in a 30 year marriage with a malignant narcissist, I now work with this young boy who seems very much like a nine year old version of my husband. I am in a situation in which I cannot leave at this time (financial abuse). But I am much stronger than I was 10 or 15 years ago. Thank you for all of your extremely helpful and informative content.
Really interesting comment. My partner is oppositional (when he doesn’t get his own way and for weeks after) and also displays other narcissistic traits. When I try to make it all fit, the only thing that really fits with the entire picture of him is ADHD. I am 100% sure it’s ADHD.
My 2yr old grandson is more cooperative and uses "no!" less than his 60yr old grandfather. I have learned to ignore the tantrums, to become the breadwinner, to manage all the finances and housework Asking him to help with chores causes him to wait at least a week and then usually there is no pride in workmanship..... but he wants to take ALL the credit for EVERYTHING that is always done around here even when he avoided any involvement with work. It is exhausting.
TheNotsoignorant
I hear ya’! I had this mess too. Additionally, he would break things or make a difficult mess when he finally DID do something. I’m not even sure it was passive aggressive. He was inept but “knew it all”. I ended up cleaning up or fixing the problem because he’d storm off and pout after yelling obscenities while doing the repair. Good times! His answer was often to go buy something new (which we couldn’t afford) to replace the thing he wrecked. Drove me crazy.
This is exactly one of the biggest reasons I ended up doing the cooking, cleaning, child caring, errands, working, and going to school while he sat in his room playing video games all day. 👀 It ends up just not being worth it. My asking for that 1% more from him nearly always resulted in verbal abuse or stonewalling. I don’t call it enabling. I call it being coerced into enabling.
Terrible. And the last words are also correct.
@@heide-raquelfuss5580 Thank you for understanding that piece! It can be very misunderstood.
@@annikamin1637
I think it is easy to understand, when you are honest and see the things how they really are. Btw. I exp. it myself also. And also...i felt terrible, because people did not understand and gave all the time wrong advice. Pointing at me. I tried everything and tried hardcto understand the situation, wondering what i did wrong...But i realised i was just 'trapped' and could not change a single thing.
Btw. You are wellcome. I just wanted to let you know, that i understand what you mean, because i understand how important validation is and clarity.
Kind regards.
This was the biggest problem, anything I would ask was a problem, any time I disagreed, I was wrong or problematic or selfish. This is what led to our arguments and is what started my despair because you can't move forward and give up trying to ask for anything or compromises. I think this was the most heartbreaking aspect. He was covert and his out was always playing the victim and say I was controlling. There's no way except to lose, I will not ignore that again.
Around others they are compliant, accomodating, helpful, fake, but around you they are opositional in every sense of the word. Their inner spoiled brat comes out, sassing and talking back when asked to do the simplest task. They can fluff their own pillow!
I continually get this opposition- it’s exhausting and totally not necessary. Truly like dealing with someone who has the terrible two s their whole life. The most frustrating is they hide it from everyone but their target.
YES!! They are NOT like this with everybody!!
Wow, this is so true. Two covert narcs in my life - my mother and an ex-friend - do this all the time. Once the ex-friend and I were late going to the zoo (because she was always late) and arrived just as a special exhibit was closing per the posted hours. She screamed and yelled and bullied the poor employee into letting her in anyway. I was so humiliated; tried to talk her out of it but she just yelled at me. Another time, she bought tickets to a concert for us and then when she didn’t like the seats, actually bullied her way into a more expensive area and then got mad when she couldn’t just steal seats.
My mother’s schtick is a variation on the theme of opposing doing things even that are in her best interest. She is elderly now, and often complains to me of little logistical problems, and then rejects any solutions I suggest. For example, once when she was recovering from an illness, she was finding it tiring to prepare food, and thus wasn’t eating enough. I replied that she had told me that the cafe where she often eats lunch will deliver, why not set that up? No, she couldn’t do that, it was too much trouble. A phone call, too much trouble? Blah blah blah. A few days later, she had arranged for delivery and was happy about it. I think she can’t bring herself to agree with someone else’s suggestion; she wants every good idea to be her idea.
After that, I decided that whenever she complained, I would just listen and sympathize and make no suggestions unless she asked for one. It works. She does sometimes ask, and I offer one suggestion. If she says no no no to that, I’m done. Somethings I think she would rather just complain than address her problems rationally.
They also have all kinds of things they ask you to do and rake you over the coals of hell every time you don't. Your life becomes serving their never ending task list. You'll never do it right and once you master one list it changes...usually to the opposite of what they originally asked.
Definitely continue to face opposition with my ex as we move forward trying to raise our children separately. Always fought me on everything. I remember I was pretty close to having my first baby and I got yelled at severely for not wanting to put the crib where he wanted it. I didn’t know about narcissistic personality back then and couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t work with me or hear me. Please do a video on how not to raise narcissistic children. I am worried about my daughter she sounds just like him sometimes or is it just normal teenage angst.
My husband and I talk about things that need to be done, things that we could do to make things better around the house etc. and can always sound like he’s agreeing and into getting things done. But... nothing ever happens! It really won’t happen if it’s my idea. I can buy a new light fixture that needs replacing...... well it’s been 4 years and counting. Pathetic really.
I can do relate ... 6 months I’ve been waiting to get the plumbing hooked up in our bathroom ..... and still waiting
Dump him while you’re still ahead.
You are telling me!! Nothing ever happens! Wow You are right. So much was promised for our lives together but it must have been future faking plus laziness, because 8 years have gone by with no plans with no actual money spent, no plans solidified and no action. Its all talk. It’s all about the now. If I want to get out, I get flowers, dinner and more promises. If I work on making the plans a reality, he nay-says everything (oppositional and stonewalling). It requires work from both of us so nothing happens. Flowers are nice and in the now, but my real point was about our future. Turns out the future is an ongoing present, with him in control.
My ex narc posted on his Facebook a quote that said, If you try to tell me to do something, I will do the opposite and take a picture to prove I refused to do it.” That described our relationship.
The perhaps funny thing is, they're cutting their noses to spite their faces. My office narc, I'm convinced, doesn't even know anymore what she genuinely thinks, likes, or believes, about a lot of things. She's too concerned with being the dissident. She has no honest opinion.
She was allowed to smoke in the house and then went mad when I lit up. I was invited to parents evening and then got told that I couldn't discuss the progress of my own daughter with the Teacher. I brought a brand new car and was told that she didn't like the ride quality. Was told to buy shoes for my daughter for School and did. She then brought the same pair and stopped the ones I brought from getting to her.( Exactly the same) I once got my Sons hair cut at the Barbers and got hunted down in my area and verbally abused. (How dare you get my childs hair cut).5 years since I departed and ran for the hills. No contact, sadly the only way.
I have been there. No matter what you do it is never accepted in the way it is intended. No contact is the only way to have peace of mind. I wish you the best on your journey.
The jealousy and envy the narc feels towards everyone in the office is so toxic! Then they target certain people and smear them to everyone else. Forget teamwork. They won’t stand for it.
I thought I was losing my mind thinking of all the things they put you through and it is never ever enough.
Dr. Ramani is the 1st I heard this from. It is amazing how spot on she is.
SO true! I once said that I wanted to get involved with a charity, and it was met with a negative, derisive comment. Geez. I just wanted to do some volunteer work to help people, and they said something mean! It doesn't matter what you say, they'll say something disparaging just to contradict you. Just to be contrary. It makes for very frustrating and exhausting conversations.
LORDT! All to familiar. My mother is the narc in my family. Every late summer, before each school year's start, (with my brother in tow) "back to school shopping." I was allowed to pick out "x" number of items. Obviously, the idea being, me, at 12, would be to purchase cool clothes I liked. Without fail, every outfit, she'd say she didn't like it and denied me putting in the cart. Additionally, she would take it upon herself to search for clothes when I was searching; always picking clothes with pastel, floral patterns; absolutely nothing like I liked. If I said I didn't like it, she'd say, "Oh, give me a break. Here we go again. You don't like it because I said I liked it." If that were true, I could admit it all these years later. She completely made that up, attacked me with a silly allegation, and never letting me truly pick my own clothes. Nothing could ever be enjoyable with someone who is bad/angry/irritated no matter where we go and whatever we did. Road rage driving, flicking people off, screaming; she is overall snotty and has an air of superiority with implied inferiority toward myself and others. I was ALWAYS, as a child, more afraid of my mother than I was of God. I knew whatever her reaction was to anything, it would be unpredictable, and likely not emotionally "fun" for me. Even if I got so upset, that I was about to cry or be angry, I did what I thought was mature, by leaving the room and going to my own room. I admit, I was always a door slammer, but it's all the control/ways and means I had to express it at the time. However, even after been attacked, and removing myself, my mother would put her mouth on the door, and egg me on at this point...saying..:"You are so big and bad. You feel better now that you slammed your door? Are you tough now." I don't think the harassment that made me leave, nor, her chasing after me, to get more digs is is loving, kind, nor MATURE. As always, thanks you Dr. Ramani for your knowledge; you are appreciated.
@@RavenStealstheNight I agree I feel like chaos it what makes them comfortable and calmness weirds them out. It's strange
@@RavenStealstheNight I couldn't agree more! ;)
Mine is neglectful, at times malignant and definitely oppositional.
lose the sack of sh....t
I just had to deal with exactly this over Christmas. My partner went into full "difficult child" zone because two small things didn't go their way. I love watching these videos and seeing how they directly relate. It's so validating honestly. I was feeling guilty for the small thing I had asked of them thinking I had ruined their holiday.. Now I'm realizing that's exactly what they wanted me to feel. In reality I didn't do anything wrong.
Narcissistic exhusband would say no before I had even finished the sentence. Sometimes I would get a friend to ask for me because he would say yes to them on particular occasions when extra help was required. Once I was very ill and my doctor wouldn’t let me drive home from the clinic asked ex husband to collect me but he was “too busy” so sent the workmen to come get me!
Ooohhhh, there's one instance that sticks in my mind. Really scary anger when I said I'd cleaned up the bench space so there was space for everyone to put their stuff down and make room for everyone at the dining table. Apparently making room for others is telling him what to do. It's crazy-making just writing this.
Omg same! And I see my kids adopting the same behavior. Family meals at the table? What's that? How dare I touch their stuff to make room for meals! Oh they can't find something? Oh mom must have moved it--blame her!
I have been there. Everything has to revolve around them.
That is the eggshells.
Mine waits until a surface is cleared then flings something of hers on it which stays there forever and my mum who always slapped us around for anything out of place is deliberately enabling this needy greedy bullying
You’ve changed my life.
My bro is very passive aggressive and will stare at me after saying no in the lowest voice. There is no discussion and it is super hurtful. He calls me aggressive and is my bully. This new term helps put this on my narcissistic shelf. I’ll see it now. He truly cannot agree to be helpful unless it’s his idea, it matches his “sense of duty” and the audience is right. He is also the golden child. Duty rates high. Love and compassion, not so much.
When my dad was still alive and had alzheimer's, my younger sister volunteered to take care of him while my mom and I travelled abroad. My younger sister said she wanted to give us a break. I was skeptical because my younger sister is known to be oppositional and create more chaos, but I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. She is my sister after all. When we came back from the trip, my sister had changed my dad's meals, how the meds are taken, his routine, etc. She said that she felt that her way was better since she is giving my dad the right, healthier food. I had to change the whole routine again. I didn't even think to tell her not to change the routine since that's something I'd never do, especially if you were taking over for the main caretaker.
I can give so many more examples. It was exhausting. It was so much easier to do it on my own than to have her, the drama queen, do it. I now grey rock her. It helps that we live in separate countries. Thank god that part of my life is over.