4 things NARCISSISTS DO when they can't manipulate you any longer
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- Опубліковано 22 чер 2024
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT. - Розваги
when they know, they have no more control over you, some narcissist will go as far as to go after your loved ones, just to get to you. That’s how low some will go.
Oh my gosh! My father in law when he knew I saw him began to gaslight and criticize me and his own grandchildren ! I was able not take the bait and just kept saying thank you for your condor and I had no idea you felt this way. Then came the abandonment. Both for me and their own grandkids. Omg.
Right, and start a smear campaign and hire flying monkeys to terrorize victims
Or they keep trying to "talk to you", bait you, provoke you, whatever you're doing they keep trying to make themselves for you notice or whatever. I would love to explain what has been happening with my mom since Feb of this year all the way to this comment(6:41 AM. West Coast. 6/23/2024) but YTurd will just delete the comment.
Lets make it quick as possible. My mom wasted a lot of money paying Shaman experts and massage people to cure her tinnitus.(My little bro once told me that mom wasted over $3000). None of that Shaman bs and massage worked. On May 26 mom called a Shaman lady and after the shaman ritual was finished the shaman charged $1200. I would love to explain EVERY THING more but YT will just auto delete.
Lets say when come to the money issue and after that $1200 I got super mad. Also what make me even more mad is she doesn't follow her doctor's medical advise. Mom is at the point where..it feels like she's doing harm to herself for the attention. She doesn't follow the directions of the urine infection meds, the heart burn meds and she lies that the meds doesn't work.
3 weeks ago I was at the point where..I want to.."self delete" and told her that if I got money I would leave instantly. She called two of my uncles that day. She straight up lie to them saying that I wanted HER MONEY to fix my car and I threaten to "self delete" if I don't get the money. If I wanted the money I could of just asked her and she will give the money to me. Around April I got my car repaired and it costed me $2500. I never asked for her money nor needed her help. Lets say after she lied..I been angry since then. She lied throughout her life I always let it go but the lie that I wanted her money...that was the final straw. These days she keep trying to charm her way back in. Whenever I cook for myself she will poke around and make herself noticeable.
100% especially your kids!!! There are zero boundaries.
@@beverlystover3987
I understand.
The only way to win the narcissist's game is to not play. Walk out and leave them alone with their icky victim/bully self.
When I do this to my stbx she rages even more, then I end up apologising for her yelling at me :/
You are 110 percent correct!
I completely agree. I just want to add that along to not playing their game at all, is to privately gather self-protective data like past texts/proofs/videos/voice records/emails/etc. in case authorities or anyone you need to prove your innocent and sane side of the story to but never letting the narcissist know you got all that on them. Once you got this, it makes not playing their game a lot more freeing knowing you could worry much less of any repercussions they could cause.
@@xsplifficbeats6340
Been there. But no more. I won’t apologize for their behavior anymore. But it’s a high hurdle. Don’t give up dear. Please keep educating yourself. This is what saved me gave me strength and I got out!
Youre right but I feel like a quitter or a poor sport for not playing. Like i feel like im not standing up to the problem. Instead of staying to fight, i leave and become an immigrant
I got rid of the narc and all of their monkeys (mutual friends) since the narc called a zoom meeting to try to convince the friends that I was crazy. None of them bothered to talk to me. No one considered that he was emotionally abusive for years so I got rid of all of them.
Expect the crazy card .. they are always pulling the crazy card.. eegad
😂 Crazy ~ Patsy Cline! 🩷
Nobody believes us. We are liars, crazy, stupid.... The only single person who believed me and didn't abandon me after I told about my situation married with a narc that uses also physical violence is a woman who was also married with a narc and lived the same hell.
Good for you! Going thru divorce with narc. What a mess! His goal is to get " everybody" on his side, even my family and he goes off the rail of they don't agree or feed into his bs. He has lied terribly and unfortunately I have lost about 8 close people to me bc they believe him. I've accepted that those people aren't meant to be in my life. I just let it go. I'm over here healing and his mission is to get as many people as he can to hate me. Smh
Snip snip
Self-compassion is like kryptonie to the narcisist. Once you start loving and respecting yourself, you become able to start leaving the abusive environment and the abusers.
Or they leave you because they can’t stand you being so strong.
This in my first marriage. I thought my pregnancy was beautiful, he couldn't figure out why and a daughter was competition.
They hate it! They cannot say they hate you practicing self care. That would be admitting being shitty.
They hate it! They cannot say they hate you practicing self care. That would be admitting being shitty.
😢
Narcissist rage while being scary and dangerous, is really childish and pathetic
Yep
😮100%
Yes it is a childish tantrum of an insecure child with all the attention seeking and monkey rearing power of an intelligent and manipulative adult.
Losing your mind and all semblance of sanity because you didn’t get your way ? Striking back with utter fury at someone close to you? Yeah it’s pathetic.
Yea I had to tell a boy today after he said that his dad was "strong" that no he is not he is just large. A strong "man" would not throw his weight around at his family.
When a empathetic person loses their temper with a narcissist, the narcissist will turn it around and become the victim. Then the empathetic person feels they were wrong in their judgement and gives the narcissist a "break". I would also argue that if you are like an "empath" you will be so empathetic that you often become a doormat for the narcissist. Part of the reason I never stood my ground was because I as an empathetic person who never wanted to be seen as "the bad guy" in these situations. I felt that other people's vison of my character would be destroyed if I did not give people the "compassion" that everyone deserves. It took a lot of work on myself to realize that I was not giving myself compassion and allowing myself to be hurt to spare others' feelings. Self preservation can get distorted by being raised in this kind of environment.
Exactly
I’m currently going through this! Yes that was the hardest thing for me but once I felt comfortable with the fact that I’ll be the ‘bad guy’ …nothing/no one could stop me. I’m not even an entire week away from the narcissist I was with and he’s hoovering like crazy, he’s telling my brother things, his friends, the neighbors in our building (I still have to go because my mom’s boyfriend so happens to live in the same building)…but it’s all okay cause I became okay with the idea of me being the one who left and gave up on the family. It’s totally fine though cause there’s way more to the story. Dr Ramani gave me the tools to SEE and become aware and forever grateful
@@ERMAPERKINS97 Glad to hear that. Keep it up and you will get better with time. Just don't go back no matter what. It'll be worse the next time if you do. Good luck 🤞
A doormatx that is a good descritpion. About how I feel.
I feel this and I'm so happy I am now free of holding other peoples possible/real thoughts about me over what is best for me. If my inner child is uncomfortable in any way regarding my mother, I protect, and that why I have been NC for almost 2 years and counting! 🎉
Narcissistic people take all the credit, none of the blame.
I just stay away from this kind of people, if they cant respect me i won't respect them, period
Finally done this 😢
me too
@@user-fn8tk6dm7xGood, keep It that way , seriously save yourself. Not worth It.
Yes. After 65 years, I am finally learning to do this also.
My ex seems like he has his shit together until you catch him in a lie. Then comes the lashing out and victim complex, and it's always someone else's fault.
Sounds like my ex. There's far too many that behave that way.
Welcome to the club.
Always!!!! No matter what
Same
Same, but mine didn't lash out - he was sulky, sarcastic, spiteful and smug about stuff (often me).
He never wanted to show his ugly side, but the passive aggression WAS the ugly side.
He didn't let the actual rage out properly: it just rotted him quietly from the inside.
When I stood up to the narcissists,
first they raged - failed. Then they gaslit me - failed.
Then i was called crazy - that failed.
Later I heard then they said they were scared and were afraid and thought i was going to hit them.
Did it help to stand up? Not really
Did it feel good?
HELL YEAH😂
laugh and move one
Yep the narc projections!! Good for you!!
Word. You have to get past the intrigue, hope attraction, and watch them collapse a few times then you finally see how pathetic they really are. It’s
My mom said the exact same thing to my children and to me that she thought I was going to hit her! I never was even close to that! My children are her flying monkeys and she has access to my young grandsons and I don't! It's so sad and hard to accept that my children would believe her crap and let my grandsons around her! Toxic is toxic and will never change!!
It’s so tragic, as you said. Just so sad. The more you try to love them, the more they push you away
Yes.
I was determined to be the one person that accepted him unconditionally, no matter what.
But that nearly killed me, because I've had to realise that he can't love me.
I've spent years in therapy trying to deal with it and challenging myself, where needed. He thought I was weak to do that.
He wasn't willing or able to look inside himself and change, even just a little. He needed me to leave him to confirm his views.
I feel devastated, but I'm finally out.
Funny thing, is if you just stop loving them you realize you never felt freeer!
@@jasonwimberly5636I definitely do feel freer, yes. 😁
The hard truth is that the person you try to love never truly existed, it was just a made-up character/persona. They'd push you away because they're jealous of their made up character receiving attention/love that they themselves are incapable of ever letting in.
They don't love they take only
That is so true. He constantly attacks the people I love most (behind their back of course)since he can no longer manipulate me. Pathetic and cowardly. Around him, I am devoid of any emotions. Like the weather, he exists and is tolerated. It took 50 years to see the light but I feel so much lighter. The situation at home remains the same but I am changed. His rage still unnerves me at times but his victim act leaves me cold. At 82, I am tired of all the drama. I can't leave but I am no longer his handmaiden. It's not ideal but I feel liberated.
I know exactly how you feel. I’m glad you found peace within yourself. ❤❤❤
I am also in same situation, last 45 yrs
Great tip, for surviving victims! 💐
I think in dealing with narcissists it's best to work on myself- letting go of my "people pleasing" need to be liked, work on how I respond to conflict, and something that has helped me is to see them as a toddler having a tantrum instead of worrying about how much they like or hate me. Just step back and let them show themselves.
I have been a fan for nearly a decade. Your insight into the dynamics of narcissistic abuse has been honed and deepened exponentially. Survivors like me are super fortunate to have access to your knowledge and wisdom.
Thank you.
Either way, Dammed if you do, dammed if you don't, so live well while you are alive!
Exactly!
Dr. Ramani, you have changed the course of my life. You are an oasis where I find strength and a bit of my old self-confidence. You have shed so much light on a subject I knew nothing about, was not even aware of for the 50 years I endured it. A lot of damage has been done.
I have no friends left and have gotten used to living apart from the rest of society. I cherish your books and they bring me a great deal of comfort. You have shone a light on my darkest days and just maybe, my sense of self worth will re-appear at some point. Finding you has been the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time. Thank you.
❤❤❤❤
Agree 100%
First they act and lure you in. Then they start talking shit about you to others. Then they suddenly have a problem with you, that you didn’t even know about. Then comes the victim acting and blaming you while gaslighting you.
Then you start to question yourself. Until you catch them at it again and again. Or multiple people catch them.
These so called narcissists are not normal people. Their disgusting behaviour is malicious and gross.🤢
My kiddos are his flying monkeys. It breaks my heart
This is a struggle. We are told not to bad mouth the other parent, but when they are a narcissist, we have to help our kids learn to recognize that narcissistic behavior is inappropriate. How else can you offset that poor modeling? It is a fine line. My biggest fear is that my kids will grow up to be, or to partner with, a narcissist. 😕 When the other parent is actively gaslighting them and justifying abusive behavior, they are in a narcissistic relationship too.
Add to that, the common behavior of the narc making one child the "golden" child and one the scapegoat...😔
I have a suggestion, don’t respond much to them and don’t discuss… when the narc get supply from you they might turn to kids for supply and gradually they might understand and then you can explain them
* narc wont get supply from you
My grown children and my grandsons are my mom's flying monkeys! It breaks my heart as well!!
In your may happen list it may happen because they're just committed to misunderstanding you. Another one is that they recognize your authenticity.
Like Dr Ramani said there’s no room for two realities in a narc relationship, just the narcs reality
Dr. Ramani is an angel sent from heaven. I know it sounds over the top, but honestly she is. She connects immediately on a level that is so amazing… with everyone. Dr. Ramani… you are cherished and appreciated beyond belief. Thank you so much.
Yes I agree❤
Me, too.❤
Experienced this to a tee last February, with a narcissist friend. A RIDICULOUS blow up about me “pulling for” a sports team that isn’t theirs. I stood up for myself and WOW, they just went all the way off the rails! and they’re still not done ruminating on it, they just brought it up again a few days ago. Also I have noticed how they absolutely have to get people under control and they’ve been working for over a year or more to get someone who doesn’t want to speak to them anymore to be their “friend”- the other person was just tired of there malarkey but it’s like - well, you’re not allowed to abandon a narcissist, it’s all on their terms. Like, you will be my friend until I say so!
100% correct!❤
@@Fishsticks007 Like cats that implore you to pet them, bite you moments later, and then ignore you …. Until the next time they want your attention.
In 30 years, I only viewed rage a handful of times. His MO was being highly passive aggressive and triangulation
I have only met one raging one. He was grandiose. The others I have encountered were friends and colleagues- much more covert and never saw the rage, but saw a lot of the other traits such as super nasty passive aggressive behavior when their agenda was challenged in some way.
These kind of rages are unfortunately often the causes of domestic disputes/violence. Such a tragedy.
Yes, mine too. 👍
It’s lie tug of war, what happens when you let go of the rope?
From my experience with narcissists, they can become very dangerous when losing control over you. The best thing you can do with a spouse/sexual partner is to go no contact as soon as you realize who you are dealing with and go so far as to move away as far as you can.
I am now dealing with a covert "Christian" narcissist friend. It took me about 6 months to realize that this person was a narcissist. The realization came when the narcissistic rage appeared. There were other red flags inconsistent with the Christian faith that she was espousing. She tried to control the way I dressed (long dresses to the floor, long sleeve tops up to the neck, no makeup, no jewelry except wedding rings/wrist watches, can't style/color your hair, you must never cut your hair, you can't wear perfume, etc...) mind you I am OLD, and I dress modestly to begin with. The walking on eggshells feeling is making me sick, so I have begun the slowly backing away and will make my no contact move over time as I know she will seek out badly needed supply elsewhere. I can tell she will use flying monkeys to do her violent dirty work. Narcissists absolutely cannot be trusted, they will take revenge if they believe you have hurt them in anyway, even if the narcissist's wounding is all in their mind, and not even reality. You may not have any idea you have hurt the narcissist.
The single child in an Asian family serves as both golden child and scapegoat. Being harshly scolded for being ungrateful when pursuing one’s own life - a normal one, or standing up to describe the truth after sensing the gaslighting, or expressing one’s own thoughts which happens to be different from the parent’s, or doing anything not exactly matching the parent’s ‘never communicated’ imagination, or bringing up being physically abused several times in childhood for which the parent genuinely doesn’t remember.
As a single child and a truth teller, living in emotional abuse and enablers’ suppression for years, it’s the time.
Did you ever see the movie Everything everywhere all the time? You would enjoy it
Mine “went on vacation” with the kids, called and said “I won’t ask for alimony if you let us stay here” and when I said she can’t do that, called CPS and falsely claimed I beat our children. WORST PERSON EVER.
Narcissists don't have SELF-esteem, they have OTHERS-esteem. They rely on others to provide a positive self regard to them. Coming along with their lack of healthy self esteem is a lack of truly and deeply knowing themselves. If they can't see themselves how can they truly see you? So of course they treat others in the way they do, they use others to get their supply of positive self regard, while also being blind to your own needs and perspective.
I like your term other-esteem. 👍
My ex seemed to treat his family and friends better than he treated me. It was so hurtful.
I gave him supply through my promise of unconditional love. My belief is that my ex saw me as a part of himself, so of course he could treat me badly. He hated himself. He used me as a proxy self.
Teaching people to be happy with themselves is much needed. I love this!
A societal shift will happen.
The narcissist will attack you by the persons and objects you most love: your children, your home, your car, your bankaccount, your hopes, your dreams. If necessary with legal help.
And they love to use word-salad craziness to confuse the one calling them out so they'll lay off calling them to task.
Their shame is held private by their rage, even though shame is a public emotion. They sacrifice others.
I collected narcs like charms on a bracelet because of childhood trauma. The ones that are left in my life don't seem to understand why I now find their behavior disgusting and leave when they rage or act like spoiled children. I just leave.
Sincerely I can't go to therapy and these videos have literally saved my life
They pretend asking you many questions over and over and over again while collecting the information at the same time. You can see them texting sending some information, they think everyone is blind.
My covert narc also did a lot of revenge. Hurtful things but ones that allowed him deniability. The added gaslighting was a special circle of cruel hell to live in.
He started to plot he coerced my mom’s will. 100% to 30%. My cousin, who I don’t like, was named trustee. When my mom died I didn’t find out until after the Statute of limitations tolled. Now my cousin is dragging me through the court and ruin me financially. I became so anxious. I was suffering so much. I was losing my ability to walk.My doctor and friends told me to take a holiday. Tonight is my first night in Paris. It’s a dream come true. I needed this so much. Mercí.
From a raging bully (I called her a demon) to victim in a split second. I had never realized. Thank you for an another great video 🌻
This is one of the videos that best explains my experience. The problem is the narcissist I co-parent with is trained in counseling psychology and also grew up in "polite" society so he has the skills to appear stable or turn it on in front of others or weaponize therapeutic language and "politeness."
I would like for Dr. R to suggest ways to coparent with this person. Should I be constantly fawning and making him feel good about himself?
In the 1980s, my mother managed to get my narcissistic father to ONE therapy session. She shared with me when I was older that they were in the office for less than 5 minutes before he was in full rage mode and stormed out of the office. On the ride home, he relentlessly raged at her. She lasted almost 50 years with him. 😢💔
My mom was a narc. She went to ONE therapy session with my sister (because my 'sister was having issues'). My mom lasted less than 5 minutes before she was in full rage mode and stormed out of the office and they never went back. She lived to 95 and never changed. Just had to comment because of the similarities. Sigh.
I’m at 40 years of marriage and thank you for your comment. My husband raged about the first counselor then used the counselor we saw for a long time to figure out how to hide it all the more.
Classic Narcissism @@JDog-tn8we
I’d love a video to break down the rage spiral more. I left a narcissistic spouse many years ago and, at the time, noticed when he was angry it did not ramp down after an outburst, like a non-narcissist does, but instead ramped up. I also experienced this in the workplace with a boss, where if I calmly and professionally held my own when he was unhappy with something I had done his inappropriate level of anger ( swearing, raging in front of the team) was then directed at me. In one instance I experienced retaliation by having my hours cut and being told I could determine what that “means” to me. I responded with “it means I am out of here” and left the company in a huge bind because I was the only licensed person in the state who could sign plans. I had ZERO regret on that decision (and some enjoyment, I have to admit).
While I see how many
Betrayal from a few flying monkeys brought me to my knees. Still blown out of the water by this. I manage but will never fully heal from it. Their loss actually you know .. they’re the ones who are going to stay conned not me.
🌺 You will heal... Slowly & new Safe People will show up for you...🩷 You are not alone... Blessings!💞💞💞
You will ABSOLUTELY heal. Just do it out of spite. The narc is miserable, but you don't have to be so don't.
@@TouchdownJesusMB ✨🩵✨
@@japalmer2 💖
Using family as their flying monkeys is the worst ... friends are terrible ones too but family has that extra betrayal feelings. The hurt is devastating and deep which is why they use them to hurt us. It leaves you not knowing who to turn to or trust. To have them constantly trying to hurt you in any way they can and tell so many lies (flipping everything they did to you -DARVO) is draining and just horrible as you try to stay silent , not defend yourself and stay grey rock. Exhausting & Torturous!!
There's a difference between shame and guilt and the narcissist doesn't understand this because they wouldn't be able to do the inner work to understand the difference.
Yes! We can do something with guilt. I heard shame is a useless emotion.
What do you think is the difference?
@@yesiltarla2320 I am guessing guilt is something I did. And I can stop doing it. Shame can come from someone else. Or oneself. But it’s so degrading and useless.
@@yesiltarla2320Guilt is feeling bad about an ACTION OR BEHAVIOR. We can change that in the future, it’s making amends after making a mistake.
Shame, however, is feeling bad about WHO WE ARE. Shame is always a lie, especially if you’re spiritual - our Creator didn’t make mistakes.
Shame is the core of dysfunction, and because the disordered do not have the ability to look at shame squarely, they feel it all the time. That’s the trigger for “narcissistic rage.”
It takes YEARS of therapy for a narcissist who WANTS help to gain the ability to see their shame. Which is why it’s said that there is no cure for narcissists- only 00.0000000001% ever have the courage or self awareness to actually look at their shame & heal.
I wish you well on your healing journey. ❤
@@SherryTomlinson-mk7gm
Agree with your definition and would add that guilt has a possibility of being resolved, while shame seems to be purposely used by a narc as some undefined chronic "disease" that can't be cured.
...a healthy person understands freewill while a narcissist/toxic/dark person is a master of coercion, sad indeed😔many thanks Dr. Ramani for all the insights🙏🌷🕊💝🤗
Please Dr. RAMANI EXpand on the topic of GENERATIONAL FAMILY NARCISSISM!
MY family on both my father's and mother's bloodlines are CLEARLY highly Narcissistic.
Me too-sure makes life difficult.
Generational Narcissism involves a member of everyone's family to be designated as the "FAMILY SCAPEGOAT ABUSE" VICTIM! IN MY FAMILY THE MAJORITY OF THESE POS 's ARE IN LAW ENFORCEMENT, so lucky me gets bullied from my little cousins as well. Not to mention the pervert/pedophile others.
Yep 100%. When I stopped tolerating the physical and emotional abuse, he totally lost it. Shame, rage, victimization, all of the above. I got a protection order and divorced him. I’m on my healing journey and life is so much more peaceful now. ❤
❤❤❤❤
I had a narcissist get mad at me because I wouldn't take a drug possession charge for her. She figured that because it was a "first offense" for me I would get "diversion and probation". She was facing jail. In her thinking, I should have fallen on the sword for her. They were her drugs! She then spent weeks berating me for not loving her enough. Thankfully she was right. It took me a long time to get there.
I've been cut off from some of my family because I finally spoke up for myself and its absolutely inexcusable to speak up. It's crazy to think ppl that raised me turned their backs on me just like that. But I'm happy that my children aren't going to fall into the same trap. When I'm wrong I apologise to my children. I want them to advocate for themselves. I feel like I'm the adult I needed growing up.
I knew when a rage was coming. I would hear the build up begin in the living room as she "talked" to my dad. I would catch bit's and pieces of the conversation as she got herself more and more worked up. At the right moment she would come into my room (I was about 10 yr old) and order me out. I followed her and would stand off to the side somewhere in the kitchen, usually in a corner while she settled herself into a kitchen chair. Ding, Ding, let the verbal beating begin. While not all of the beatings were rages some were just an endless, "You are a loser" and "And you are not going to amount to anything." I would stare at her until I started seeing double, which seemed like a lot of time. When I got older I wished nothing but death to her which she knew - hate poured out of every cell in me. The secession worked when I was young as I would head back to my room calling myself a loser and I can't do anything right. Nothing was off limits for her. From friends, to my slower disposition; I was a relaxed person, to my physical looks. Even today I can barely take a compliment. She really liked to rip my friends apart. Sometimes when she was on a role I would be directed to get my brother because it was his turn. In silence we would pass each other. She is dead now having passed a month ago. Finally the care nurse stopped asking me to come see her.....She asked, "Has your mom burned all her bridged?" "I said, "Yup" She is now ashes in a box, in a bag on my deck. I have to slide the bag around sometimes as it gets in the way. I have no idea what to do now. Well, I kinda do but God wouldn't be too happy with me.
Sadly these behaviors are criminal for harm and theft committed against the unsuspecting legitimate victims. Too many decent people are physically mentally financially harmed by these actors. They allowed to be excused to continue these criminal behaviors to other unsuspecting decent individuals innocent lives can be lost and all too often the victim is expected to walk away take the high road unless these out of control enabled are removed and held accountable.
You described my life as a foreigner in my narc husband's country.
Even the police doesn't care about me going there with hurts in my body at 7 months pregnancy.
He was never punished and I know he will never be. He can hit me to death and they will still call it "an accident".
Exactly and thankfully you’re here today in spite of a piece of loser given too many excuses
40:00 In my experience with the whole "discarding" thing... They want to discard you, but they want to be JUSTIFIED in doing it so that it appears as though you deserved it and they had to get away from you. Or they want YOU to discard THEM so they can play the victim and point the finger at you for the relationship ending ("I knew you never cared about me or wanted this to work").
I realized that a solid way of defeating this and cutting off their supply/leverage was to tell them as undramatically as possible, "I think we should get space from this situation for a while, but we can still be on good terms and remain friends if you want". It robs them of BOTH of those means of supply because you won't be affected by a future discard/silent treatment but at the same time, you aren't dramatically discarding them either so they are unable to play the victim. It denies them the chance to blame you for any future drama and makes it painfully obvious who the aggressor is whenever they try to cause chaos with you out of the blue.
That said, they will still try to lie and say that you needing space is somehow the equivalent of "shutting them out" (I know from experience), but all you have to do is keep holding strong and maintaining that they have every opportunity to be friendly with you if that's what they desire. They will reject your civility every time but still claim that it's YOU who is causing the problems. It outs them every time as seeking chaos and turmoil when you aren't participating and ONLY giving them the option to be cordial with you.
Of course, this doesn't really do anything in the long run except make them out themselves. They will never stop antagonizing you or trying to pull you back into the drama so....the only real conclusion to the story is to cut them off for good.
The narcissistic boss tried to fire me and turn everyone against me when he couldn't manipulate me anymore
I have listened to you for a few years now. Thank you for putting this information out there. We have needed this years ago. People, please pay attention! It will save your energy!
49:09 “Allowing yourself to be harmed in the name of love ISN’T love!” 50:57 “…keep in mind that self-compassion is like kryptonite against the charms of the narcissist… the narcissist is rendered powerless and you can finally walk away.”
Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!!!!👍❤❤❤
Narcissistic family members will rage and coerce and play the victim. No more playing. I'm done.
My soon to be x husband has been a chronic apologist, hypochondriac, always the victim, and is also a ‘nice guy’. It’s so hard to look back on years of believing him and knowing that I was never getting anywhere or never being a priority in their world. It’s depressing.
Hugs, its not you❤
Every single manipulation tactic all but implies the use of the lying tactic and the gaslighting tactic. I actually dislike it a little calling out gaslighting as a manipulation tactic as it's actually an effect. All manipulation tactics will contribute to it by nature of what manipulation is. Some tactics however certainly take the gaslighting effect to a whole different level. Blatant lies that are so bad they insult your intelligence is one of them. That kind of shit will make you feel like you are in the twilight zone after a while. Here are some of the reasons they do this: To test their control. To feel superior and/or entertainment. This proves to themselves how much control they have over you. In the end, you will give up and you will not leave (trauma bonded). In the process of getting to the giving up stage, you will go through some pretty nasty emotional states ending in massive amounts of cognitive dissonance to swallow all of that. Cognitive dissonance is a trauma defense mechanism where you essentially lie to yourself in various ways so that you can bring back some semblance of equilibrium to the insanity you find yourself unable to escape from. As part of the ‘backing you into an emotional corner’ tactic. This is a tactic where you are manipulated into being emotionally unstable inevitably leading to you losing your shit. This gives the narcissist a big dopamine burst, they feel powerful and superior having so deftly controlled you and manipulated into this emotional state. To finish the little game they play, they make sure to point out how unhinged and unstable you are and suggest that perhaps you need help or medication. Of course, you will internalize all that shame and guilt and the million other raging emotions they have created and swallow all that essentially allowing them to scapegoat their blame and accountability onto you. Bring on some more cognitive dissonance and gaslighting effects. To condition you to expect less respect, and ultimately put up with more abuse. You will tire of the inevitable circular argument trying to convince the narcissist of the blatantly obvious lie and eventually find yourself challenging them less and less as you subconsciously accept the fact that if you do it will just make your life and emotional state more miserable and you will be denied the satisfaction of any kind of ‘win’ even if it is easy to disprove. This is part of the domination process and makes sure all the power in the relationship ends up with them by the end. To turn your mind to mush as the gaslighting effect takes hold more and more over time. This makes you even easier to control. Many times while easy to disprove it requires some kind of concession of some obvious truth that the narcissist can just doggedly refuse to agree with or remember (‘the intentional forgetting’ tactic and the ‘feigned confusion or ignorance’ tactics are often employed for this). So, in fact, it is not so easy to prove when the narcissist refuses to correctly remember what happened 10 min ago or accept sound logic or reasoning. You will just turn blue in the face trying. Of course, in some cases it is indisputable. A phone log or something. My experience is when this kind of stuff happens it wasn’t their intention typically, although sometimes it was. But in these scenarios, you will typically get some sort of angry ‘invalidating’ tactic, with some good old ‘manufactured rage’ and ‘intimidation’ tactics to ‘put you on the defensive’ and get you more susceptible to further manipulation. Maybe something like: “Get over yourself already” followed up by some ‘blame-shifting’ tactics with some good old ‘guilt’ and ‘shame’ tactics, like “Why the hell are you spying on my phone records anyway? What kind of relationship is this? I don’t have any privacy? I don’t know if I can do this anymore! You have major jealousy issues! You need help!” You will walk away as the loser either way. There are resistance tactics that can be used but this is a very difficult tactic to deal with and it is one of their favorites. I won’t get into the counter-tactics here though. The only way to really win in a relationship with a narcissist is to leave them and go no contact. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done MetaspyHub@gmail. com,,
Someone once described a vulnerable narcissist as aggressively vulnerable. I cannot even explain how accurate this is. It's the "victim-bully" complex Dr. Ramani was talking about.
And shame is what paralyzes me from removing myself from the only system I know.
No matter what, I will be shamed if I walk away from the narcissists.
I don't know how to free myself, I hope I can get answers from your book and the strength to carry it out.
She used the lies that I believed about myself against me. The worst part is that those lies felt true so it made them harder to uncover in order to find the truth.
If I felt like a failure she would tell me that I was a failure. But what’s the truth? Am I really a 100% failure? Maybe I am just a 10% failure that feels like a 100% failure. So then when she comes back and says that I am a total failure I just calmly say that is not true. Several dozen more examples of these limiting beliefs get thrown in my face and I just calmly say that it is not true. (It could have even been true at one time but that doesn’t mean it is true now).
After she realized that she could no longer control me by causing guilt or shame feelings in me she decided that I should be discarded.
That’s where I had to face my fears of abandonment which was the root of why I held on in spite of the abuse. I had to realize that being discarded didn’t mean that I was unworthy of being loved. I still have the same value. (In fact, narcissists pick high value people with feelings of worthlessness.) But once she gets that the game is over she has to get rid of me to save face.
I had to separate what was her disfunction from what was my wrong perception of myself. By rooting out my self destructive stuck points in my own belief system I was able to reconstruct my true identity. I no longer needed her to validate me in order to fill the emptiness that was caused by my own limiting beliefs.
Her goal was to find a damaged person who was trying to get back up, then put her foot on the neck in order to make herself feel lifted up. I realized that I couldn’t rely on a person like that to support me in finding the truth and resolving my identity problems. Her goal was to use me to make herself feel validated by destroying me. We were two sides of the same coin trying to find a way to cope with feelings of inadequacy. I couldn’t be in any kind of position to help her until I resolved my own issues. She just wanted someone to be her anesthetic through abuse by making them a surrogate for her pain. If I got better then she would have to go find another drug aka another person to use. I came to realize that I was the only one that was capable and had sufficient motivation to break the cycle. Just be aware that they will know when you have reached that stage of understanding and they will savagely sabotage the relationship to beat you to the punch. It’s the last stand for control. We are their drug dealer who will no longer give them what they need.
Once I realized that she needed me and I didn’t need her anymore then I actually had all the power.
Keep watching these videos… One step at a time… Believe in yourself... Talk to yourself… Look what you've been through and you've survived.… Make your plan… I pray for the strength for you… A better life lays ahead!!
@@cynthiawhite1122 🙏🏼🫂
I will watch this several times to ensure I embrace all of this in my mind.
Wow every single point mentioned in this video resonated with me!! Dr Ramani, your videos has been a lifesaver to me. It helped me open my eyes and now that I'm divorced for 3 months... I'm not viewing them all like I used to (since 2022) but tonight I decided to listen to the whole 1hr video and I'm so glad I did. It was a great reminder for me, that I was never crazy or asking too much. I was discarded, abandoned and disappointed but his whole family, my mother and a few friends... And even my youngest son... So it's been tough. But this video reminded me. Thank you ❤❤❤
Thank you so much for the education - sadly needed to catch up when my uncle died leaving my 80 year old aunt at risk.
Kids that scream and through themselves on the ground because they don't get what they want, are narcissists in the making. I'm not talking about "terrible twos". It's the kids that know the difference between right and wrong and still act like big babies.
The moping..."You're the only sister i have left" the older sibling says after years of abusing both sisters...i would not take the bait she went into a rage at my grand daughters wedding.🙄
My ex-spouse had a terrible childhood, and I loved her as fiercely as I could, but she was abusive, and there was nothing I could do to "fix" the situation. I can only feel compassion from a safe distance with her 100% out of my life. I am now divorced and no contact, and mostly I feel scared for anyone who is in her life - she is getting worse as she ages.
Great video Dr.Ramini! It makes sense of all the crazy. Invaluable information. I am at peace. Working on compassion for self .After hours and hours of videos, I don't need to focus on the narcissist any longer. Thank you!!! You are a true gift to all. ❤
Love you and your videos!!
SAME❤
Thank you. When I realized what was going on..I distanced myself and walked away from it. You’ve been so helpful..I was so confused and took all the rage personally. I don’t anymore. I don’t engage. Took my toys and went home to my heart! No place like home. I’m free! 😊
❤
My mom discarded me right after my dad passed away on Feb 27, 2024. She was also narcissist with my dad. Now she has my 27, 23, and 18 year old sons in her grasps! I can't stand the thought of it! My life is a lot more peaceful without her, but it kills me she has turned my boys against me and also keeps my grandsons, who are 4 and almost 2. I have heard be so mean to my grandsons. I sometimes feel like i would rather her have me as her supply instead of my kids and grandsons. But it was killing me literally. But my sons can't see what she is doing to them.
All of this, is my life, right now. Looking back, I made a huge mistake, telling him that he should feel ashamed of himself, for being such a liar. That must have really stroked a nerve, as he's been libelling me on social media, without me knowing, for years. Not one mutual friend said anything to me about it. I now keep those people at an arms length.
How did you find out? :o
Wow 😮
@@Liryn I noticed the link to the blog, on a screenshot of his Instagram status, that my sister sent me. I don't use Instagram.
Wow. Watched this all the way through and feel a lot more content with my recent decisions.
For they are like stones, we will never change them.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani for uncovering another specific angle that the narcissist uses posing as a victim while hiding and manipulating flying monkeys. I’ve learned that many of these attributes mirror more than 1 family member in my life. It’s an unhealthy breeding cult that carried through generations of my family. The “victim/bullies” you nailed, Dr. R. Thank you! 🙏🏻💯💖
Thank you Dr.Ramani.
One I know wants total forgiveness without acknowledging their actions. It’s just due them. So having anything but a very superficial relationship is impossible.
The “it was a joke, can’t you take a joke”. I’ve never known this level of passive aggressive behaviour before. Didn’t matter how many times I explained how his “sarcasm” was impacting me, how I felt like I was always being criticised and put down….his response was to double down and say “I’m going to keep saying things until you take it less personally”.
Oh Dr Romani, again you used your expertise your compassion and the kindness out of your day to sit and make this so helpful video on narc shame. Thank you for bringing the light out of the darkness. Helping us to understand shame has no business being in a child's life. I wish I could scream that from the rooftops.. please people get counseling if you have been in the manipulative patterns of the narc relationship. It doesn't go away easy. And we don't need to try and do it on our own.. a wolf in sheep's clothing.
My mother would never walk away. She'd start accusing everyone of being ungrateful & telling everyone how much she does for everyone, which was always loaning or giving money.
Thank you. I appreciate your videos and knowledge. You have helped me immensely in understanding and getting through a very difficult narcissistic relationship. Bless you!
For real needed to hear every word of this tonight... 100%
They also take out false allegations on supply that discard them!
I have spent a huge amount of time listening to dr ramanis podcast on this exact subject. What i expected to happen was a sense that i could understand and come to some sort of resolution for myself . What i have experienced was huge amount of grief . It did remove the shame which helped me to not stay stuck in a place i did not want to be. Going down rabbitholes trying to not repeat my past. So i took a break and spent it , working on my radical acceptance. And feeling through my grief. Im back at it again. The more i learn the more i am aware of present situations. The better i feel about where i am in comparison to where i was.
Thanks, Dr. Ranani...I have learned so much from you and I have become immune to the narcissists in my life...not interested in making this work, and finally, they have caught on to the fact that I know what they are doing. And that I have distanced from them! Then, as you said, they produced the rage and attempted gaslighting that you talked about, and then they discarded me. I am SO glad that this happened with these people! The workplace is much more calm and peaceful, and since I have not invested any more time and effort to put up with them, the devaluation and discard coming my way from them, is a blessing. I AM OUT OF THE SITUATIONS. I really do have an immunity to this behavior because I have learned from you what it REALLY is so I just let it roll off and don't engage. I am grateful for all I learned from you. Will these folks be able to hoover me? NOPE! it's over! Thanks for all you teach us and for the tips and explanations you shared. You are the BEST!
❤❤❤❤❤
I really liked the entire video and found myself saying,”YES.YES! “ Thanks.
7:03 O.M.Gosh, with Narcspouse, i canNOT tell you how many times he would rattle off a checklist of everyday UNextraordinary tasks he'd done... and act scorned that the world had not patted him on the back for them all!! // (sorry, another OMG moment 4 me...) 10:04 the only antidote to Shame... is Humility. Uncle Iroh from the animated series Avatar: the Last Airbender, when he corrects Prince Zuko, is marvelous for teaching this. ❤
That show was Ah-mazing
We now live in a world where good is viewed as evil and evil is viewed as good.
This episode and many more has helped me tremendously to recognize what I'm going through, they flying monkeys hurt as much as the discard, devaluation and the smear campaign. But in the process of separation. Thank you Dr Ramani for using your platform of knowledge to save lives including mine. Once again thank you , looking forward to being separated from my narcissist husband.
It's absolutely nuts how "Manchurian candidate" my brain wants to go when the narc suddenly becomes the victim. Thank you Dr. for walking through that example so thoroughly. It takes practice to recognize and pause enough to choose a response and this really worked for me!
So right, so good Dr. Ramani 🙏🌹👍🏻🙋🏻♂️Thank you for your support on many victims healing journey! After listening to what you have to say it reliefs the pain and it gives a bright outlook to everyone’s future 😊☀️☺️🙋🏻♂️
Thank you so much 🙏
I was devastated when my narcissistic ex left me. He was controlling and passively aggressive. He was a coward and left me with two young children. He snuck out with his things while I was at work. I really wanted to know why he left and he didn’t tell me until months later. His answer was “You treated me bad”. Bully to victim and a victim he remained!
Hugs❤ they aré pathetic.
My mothers rage was more of a "i feel sorry for myself " tantrum. If i didn't engage or call her out, she'd hang up on me and give me the "silent treatment" for weeks. Then, out of the blue, she'd call or text me and act like nothing ever happened. Of course I never forgot what she did. I've been in trauma therapy for the past three years, and I am finally on the other side of it. What a wake up call. I feel so much loss of what I missed out on in my life and I'm grieving. I also realize this is normal. I went "no contact" with my entire family. I realize they are all toxic. Thanks for this video, it's all so relatable.
Do not let them hurt your feelings!!! Have empathy for anyone other than them!!!!!!!!!
The thing with social media is the narcs rage control act utilised in physical situations is switched off when on the net. They aren't facing the person they are abusing and think they can say anything. They often don't stop to think that when you plant that post or press send, that vileness is out in the cyberworld forever.
I think this was your best video yet!!!!! Thank you!!!!!
This is the BEST COMPILATION!
Thank you! Dr. Ramani
Where would I be without your channel?! Thank you for your work and content sharing. ❤❤🎉
The one I dealt with just gave up and ghosted - because I had made my boundaries too clear for his comfort. I think he had so many others lined up that would compliantly drink the Kool aide without question- that going after me was a waste of his time.
And this Is such a Badge of honor, to NOT be palatable to narcs🎉
@@cyberninjasworld Thank you! I couldn’t take it anymore !!!!
Me too. Finally after nearly 30 years and many break ups and hoovering I made my boundaries completely clear and he moved out and has left me alone. Silent treatment and smear campaign of course but he knows I know who he is ( I sent him a long message spelling it all out and calling him a narcissist) blocked him after telling him to communicate through a lawyer if he has anything to say. It’s far from over but once you see a narcissist you can’t unsee it so I’m ready for the fight when we divorce. Proud of anyone who has seen the light and have gone/are getting out and my complete understanding and empathy for those who are still in these toxic relationships. ❤
I have been following you for a long time and recently left a situation with the knowledge I’ve gained. I exited silently with my freedom and happiness. Thank you for everything you do. With your help my life is my own now.
I was discarded multiple times but the last time when I finally followed through on his wishes for me to be gone. That’s when the rage hit because I wasn’t going to just pretend everything was going back to the status quo.
When it comes to dealing with flying monkeys, the tricky part is that they too are a very case-by-case situation. First it's important to discern which type of flying monkey you're dealing with, as in their danger level, the power they possess or seek to possess, how harmful they are or could be, and how essential their existence needs to be present in your life (eg. if they're a colleague/team member/boss figure, family member, relative, someone highly active and present in your friend group, etc); if cutting off ties to them is not an option, a possible (but could be tiring) route is to test feed them innocuous yet seemingly 'juicy' gossip which I compare to giving someone sugar but actually it's splenda so that eventually they'd think that you're not a good or reliable source for relevant gossip for their own benefit and eventually involve you less in their enabling ways. If they try to get you to badmouth the narcissist, or try to use word salad to make you spill some intel relating to the narcissist, once you detect it, go deep on some completely useless information relating to their topic but ever so slightly change the subject to something about them that you perhaps find complimentary to stoke their ego, most likely they'd have forgotten their original idea of milking info from you after you inflated their ego and they flutter off to some other source. Keep doing this and all you become in their mind is a 'friend' who makes them feel good but holds no info they need or involved in any drama. Hope this method works for you guys. I find that this method of protecting ourselves though may require us to manipulate the manipulator back, is a good way to approach the flying monkeys as it doesn't exploit any innocent people or leave any collateral damage while protecting ourselves.