Oh Carla, I just heard your story! I can Totally relate! I am 62 and most the people I work with are are 30 years or more younger than I! They are very fun, but I am not their peer. I meet friends in a twelve step program. We usually dont go out, often we don't even know each other's last name, but for 1 hour a week, I know I will see them. Sometimes more comes from these relationships, I guess what people want. I seem to be pretty content with just the time I see them at meetings. Just want you to know, you are not alone with these feelings you expressed!!! ❤ PS, Carla, I Did mistake them, and other's, in their 40s for wanting g a friendship from me, as I did from them. I was so disappointed, really with the 40 something group when they weren't interested! I often forget the age difference, as I still feel like I'm younger. Ugh, tough when we recognize others not reciprocating our feelings. I Get it!!
Yes me too. At 66 I know loads of people of all ages, but developing friendships has always been difficult. It's good to know other people have experienced this too!
I am 64 and same story. I have been ghosted by a group of girls that I went to high school with. I just think there is a connection and there is not. I get needy though.
Thank you so much both for this video and all the comments and I really relate to this string of comments @S Sutherland @Karen and others because I'm seeking friendships in my sixties because some of my best friends have died, some have move some have moved politics has no communication possible now and some of even betrayed me and my trust and friendship. Maybe we can all go to CODA meetings and start a real friend's after 5O group?!
I'm bothered by a catch 22 here. We're told since we don't have a real family, we need to "create" our family thru friends. Then We're told we can't expect very much of those friendships, don't get attached, only connect once a month, realize our needs or wants cannit be a priority to oir friends, ect because they are just friends and not family. To expect anything like family from friends or to be devoted to our friends, like we would to siblings, is codependent, unhealthy. Does anyone else see this? Just me?
You are right. The truth is you need to become your family and friend. No one will ever provide this for you. What is confusing is why we ever thought deep connection to another could actually happen. Too many fairy tales or romantic movies? The best you can hope for is to meet someone who shares your values and who is ready to commit to a long term relationship. But realize that is not the starry-eyed, devoted to your every need connection you dream of. It isn't realistic. You can't live that way for someone else and it isn't fair to expect them to do it for you. But you can have a mate who cares for you and you for them. In fact, you will make a better, more meaningful connection if you stop looking for your heart to palpitate. Be honest about what you want, take your time to get to know other people. Be ready to work hard. Our moms failed to make us feel safe, to teach us that we are the greatest person in our world and capable of taking care of our own needs. We are trying to make others give us what she didn't. Don't expect anything from others. Mom owed you. No one else, besides you, owes you anything. Give them what you are able to give them without losing yourself. Enjoy giving for the sake of giving. But recognize what your needs are, too, and walk away if they are not met to the standard you set. It is okay for you to have needs. Figure out what they are and set your boundaries by them. Don't be angry at others who don't meet your needs. It is a waste of time. This is the hardest lesson I had to learn. I think it is the lesson every person with CPTSD has to learn intellectually and to accept emotionally before we can begin to heal and begin to enjoy the life we deserve. I wish you all that you so seriously deserve.
I think what she’s saying is not to *expect* it from people. It’s possible to make friends that are like family, but it doesn’t happen all the time, and there’s nothing wrong with you if you can’t find that in friendships. People tend to prioritize their family or spouse, and may not commit to other relationships. Finding a spouse may help to bring that desired intimacy that is missing.
Nope! You aren’t the only one. What’s the point in life if not to create meaningful connections!! This catch 22 doesn’t add up. I watch these videos for entertainment purposes only. This we don’t owe anyone anything mentally or they don’t owe us is rude at best. Humans are social creatures for a reason. Civilization as we know it, cultures and traditions, wouldn’t exist if we just all decided to say screw you and screw this, I don’t owe anyone anything! That’s what causes the trauma to begin with and really seems like a meaningless way to go about life. What’s the point if you don’t strive for connection and relishing in the human experience. I told myself this year I’m only putting effort into relationships and friendships where people are on the same page with me about what it means to them. Having a friend means someone to lean on and check in on you and support you as you grow. If that means I have few friends I’ll take it. It’s better than having superficial relationships. I’ll save that for work or the local coffee store! Life’s too short!
I don’t care What age you are at. It is difficult to make good friends. People are full of negativity and everyone is struggling with something. Good video Ana. ❤️
I agree, if you study friend groups, most people meet friends in childhood or college, or once they have a church or kids and parent groups etc. It is hard to make friends as an adult even if you are totally healthy.......best to find a hobby and like minded folks. Depression adds another hurdle....
I think also because we *were* neglected we weren't taught/allowed to figure out how to socialize. Good topic: socializing w/ 1. acquainted 2. work "friends" 3. casual friends 4. close friends 5. romantic partner
And that it’s okay to have different people in your life for different purposes, ie your hiking club, your book club, your Bible Study, your brunch bunch
The pain of having no friends, no family, and I can't even afford to have a pet -- self-pity aside, there is nothing I have experienced, literally nothing, that is as painful as social isolation. And having cPTSD your friendships fall apart and you don't even know why. But this seemingly unbearable emptiness inside has exposed my ego and is useful as a spiritual teacher (no thing in this world will ever make me feel whole). I'm glad we're all on this healing journey together, I hope we all find that special person one day 💖
As a pet-lover who has rescued MANY pets who were ditched by their owners, I want you to know that I THINK YOU’RE AWESOME for being aware that you don’t have the financial ability to give good physical care at this time to support a pet!!! It seems like many, many people never stop, beforehand , to assess their resources!! I know that’s a bit off of your focus, but , in my opinion, you’re more balanced than you think! Best wishes in your healing!💗🙏🏻
@@barbarahawkins7864 yes what keeps me going is having a pair of rescue kitties. i want them to have a good home and i want to take them to the doctor if they're sick. thanks for your encouragement, i'll get there
Darling. The hardest part I think is to relax into ourselves be our true self. Stopping the monkey brain etc. I'm so low even my bed kicks me out of it because it's bored of my sweat and tears🙄🤔😂. Do we have to remember that this shall pass, i must write down how I get myself out of the abiss. One is to be genuine to myself and others, try and do what you like, a day at a time, I find it so hard to wash!!!!! So that's a goal??? Anyway I feel for you and I'm glad you shared you feelings thank you. Good luck. 🙏
Yep, totally get Carla. I am so crushed because awhile back I decided to not reach out to anyone because it seemed like I was the only one working for any type of connection. Guess what. NOBODY reached out to me. I'm 61 and I just don't get it. I have tons of acquaintances but to have a female friend that really gets me and accepts me is something I've not experienced. I've been ghosted by every group out there and never really knowing where I fit, or which group I fit. So, I just stay alone. It's easier.
I'm so sorry that's been your experience. Creating and maintaining close relationships can be so difficult. If you're interested, Anna offers a course on how to create deeper relationships called 'Connection Bootcamp', here's the link if you want to check it out: bit.ly/CCF_Connection -Calista@TeamFairy
My frienships have dwindled to almost nothing. For me as a middle aged person who now works from home, forming new connections seems like an impossibility. I have a few old friends, but none live near me and it feels like I am always the one initiating the contact.
I totally understand that being the only initiator... 3 years of focused action being real but asking little and making more efforts than other people made and being the first one to say please thank you ecetera I'm starting to see some initiation from others but I still feel like I'm a long way from people that might really help me if I was ill, or God forbid when I die, because there's no family partner or children to help me or look after those end-of-life issues... Is anyone else dealing with this too? Does anyone have ideas? Maybe we should all move to a big property with rolling hills near City resources and help each other?! Lol
Shasta Nelson talks about this problem of always having to initiate. It is a very common complaint. The reason I don't initiate is because if the other person initiates, I know they really want to do it. If I initiate, I never know if they really want to do it (even if they accept). So, it makes me feel insecure the whole time. We (I) really need to overcome this and start initiating often.
Actually, it’s been my experience, that my Being so accommodating and doing anything and everything for “friends, “led me to be taken advantage of time and time again. When I got fed up with doing all the giving, and receiving nothing, yes nothing, in return, I just shut the person out. These are not true friends; They are users. It is not easy to find true friend. One can have lots of acquaintances by being super nice, but heaven help you if you ever need anything in return.
So you are giving over and above what is comfortable for you in order to get back when you need? This isn’t healthy and as you see it doesn’t work. You are the one who needs to monitor the ease with which you are able to give a thing. If you cannot give easily from abundance of a resource that you have then you probably can’t afford to be giving. Giving with an expectation of receiving is just a recipe for disaster. You admit to doing this constantly like it a normal thing. It’s not.stop it. Check in with yourself deeply before you respond to another’s needs. Consider your own first.
Alexa, remind me to buy an interesting book. 😂 Thank You to CCF and the woman who wrote this letter. This community is a sanity saving reminder that we are not alone in our battle. Thanks for being here. ❤
Yes - we are not alone in this. For so long it felt like that though. Communities and places like that give us the comfort of knowing that all that we are going through - is actually normal. That validation is crucial. (Ironically recently I bought myself 3 new books, so doing something right 😅)
This could be me. I got surrounded by selfish folks. I did JUST what you described, serving others' needs. I finally got " woke" after a lifetime. I had to clear out a lot of trash. Following this. I find I 'm lonely ... for healthy people.
I love that you mention dressing up. I'm a wallflower type that has trouble speaking up, and recently I've been trying to learn non verbal ways to express myself. Dressing up a couple times a week has actually done a lot for my peace and confidence because like, nothing bad happens. I'm standing out from the crowd in a positive, creative way, and there are no consequences. Ive been doing this for almost a year, and someone made fun of me for veing overdressed the other day. First time that's happened. And my confidence was enough that i just rolled my eyes at him, totally unhurt. Its a great feeling.
I can relate to Carla! All i ever wanted was to fit in and be accepted by a friend or group of friends. I met this girl (i’ll call her (Sarah) through a coworker. She was my coworker’s best friend, and we had a few things in common. I really wanted to be her friend. I invited her to a concert because I didn’t want to go alone, but she ended up inviting her friend and a guy she met at a rodeo the night before. I was a bit hurt she wouldn’t just come with me, but i rolled with it. I was enjoying the concert and went to the bar to get a drink, and when i returned, they were all gone. I texted Sarah to ask where they were and she said, “Oh, we went home.” The random bloke she brought with her felt sick apparently. But they didn’t say goodbye or let me know. As hurt as i was by this, I continued to invite her to things and she continued to demonstrate her indifference towards me. But there is a lovely ending to this story. Through therapy and a lot of self-analysis i started to assess my true feelings, interests, hobbies, beliefs and every aspect of my life i’d tried to mould to everyone else’s. Eventually i ended up meeting my best friend who has been my biggest blessing and encouragement. It took over a year for us to really become friends after meeting. We started out just seeing each other maybe once a month or less, but over time little by little i saw that she was a trustworthy person and we both cared about each other and mutually enjoyed each other’s company. It took a lot of patience, healing and learning, but it was well worth the work.
The ending of your story is great, I’m so glad for you! I think the other girl brought people with her bc she felt awkward going with you alone. I get that. But what wasn’t ok was her skipping out when your back was turned. What a shmuck. Good riddance.
So happy for you. The disappoint I incurred from a potential friend breadcrumbing me led to investing in myself and starting therapy again. I want to be my own bestfriend first and, as CCF said, learn to state how I feel and ask for what I need in my relationships now. I was groomed as a child to hide my wants and needs and just attend to everyone around me or make myself so small and insignificant so that I don't add to the stress and chaos others around me caused.
@AW 08 she should've asked if I was OK to bring the others. In this case the OP might have acquiesced, even if they didn't want to, because CPTSD makes us peopl-pleasers, unfortunately, and she really liked this person so in order to spend time with them they might have minimized their own wants and go along. I'm glad they have a friend to call their own.
@@ClearandHealthyBoundaries you are exactly right. We’d hung out many times before without others around. If it happened now i’d think ok cool, i won’t invite her again and i’ll find someone who does genuinely enjoy spending time with me. My first thought when she brought those others along was, “Oh, she doesn’t like me that much obviously.” Which is devastating when you don’t have many friends. Shame spiral incoming. Glad you’ve also found therapy helpful! Sounds like your experience has been very similar to mine.
Some of us with autism struggle with this for a different reason. Our true nature is to be 'low key' and relaxed, but this behavior does not make or result in friends. We actually have to put effort into making friends, which is beyond our usual self. Then when we go back to being our usual self for a time, it looks like we have withdrawn. And so far, trying to explain this to prospective friends doesn't help the matter, and seems to come off as despiration.
Autistic people have a greatly reduced ability and need for friends because the neural pathways aren’t there. You probably aren’t autistic.you’ve got ALEXETHYMIA. So many people are claiming the label of autism because it relieves them of responsibility to learn the social skills and intra personal skills that you were not taught in childhood. It’s easy. And it makes them feel special.
Problem is that people don’t ever ask themselves why they talk behind other’s back. There is a whole lot of self discovery to be had from that question.
@@elsagrace3893 I don't think autism ever comes up for anyone over 30 as long as the person isn't presenting as Rainman, even then some sort brain damage would be the explanation of first choice. No one understands that autistic people aren't Necessarily crazy or stupid. As long as we present well and can take care of ourselves, how do we even ask someone else to (for an extreme lack of a better paradigm) "forgive" us for our failures because we're autistic? I've got issues being autistic that I'm trying to figure out, but I have no idea how to both tell someone else that I'm autistic and still remain a cognitive & moral peer in their estimation.
@FlyingMonkies325 that’s not autism. It’s normal for a third of the population. Why do you need to adopt autism label? It’s normal introversion coupled with lack of social skills. The very definition of an autistic person is that they don’t have a need nor and ability for social interaction
Yes say this!!! It's so difficult to mask for years just to get people to stay in your life only for them to accuse you of being fake or trying too hard etc. Yet then when you unmask and give space and try to 'be yourself', or you back away/take a break to prevent overstim or burnout, suddenly you get criticised for being too distant, lazy, inattentive, cold and harsh to have friends. Am really hoping one day I find a middle-ground that doesn't drive people away, but it seems like no-one has the understanding or willingness to put up with people like us.
I'm an Irish Scorpio with ADHD and CPTSD. I used to joke with my kids that it's a wonder I'm not in jail. I have one long term friend (40+ yrs) and have been more successful at making and keeping friendships by becoming my own best friend. doing the daily practice is really helping too. Sending big hugs to all fellow CPTSDers 🤗🤗🤗🤗
“Concern shaming.” Such a great coinage. I have a friend who did that to me recently. I’m generally someone who is not anxiously attached when it comes to friends (but anxious about a lot of other things though heh), while she is super anxiously attached when it comes to friends. Most of our friendship has been me caretaking her, tiptoeing around her needs, and not speaking my mind for fear of that fact that it’ll lead to a mini breakdown for her. Recently, she did something that really upset me, and I had to take time away from her to deal on my own. But she reached out to me incessantly, to the point where she concern shamed me that I was ignoring her when all she wanted was to check in on me. I didn’t respond to that either, because it came off as l extremely emotionally manipulative to me. Of course it’s not about whether I’m okay; why won’t I be okay? If something we physically wrong with my health, I know she would’ve heard through our common relations. So, clearly it wasn’t her looking after my well-being, it was her looking after her well-being, like she always does. I was very angry with her and I didn’t respond to her and only responded when I was ready and when she was un-defensive enough to listen to my concerns. I know her behaviors weren’t meant to be malignant, but after years of friendship, I realized that I had spoiled her and that if I didn’t stand my ground finally, she would continue to torpedo me with her needs. Things are getting better now. My focus is on me, so anyone who tries to get in the way of that, intentionally or unintentionally, will get reassigned in my life right now. But, I think she is finally healing her friendship trauma, and finding and making other friends, which is exactly what I wanted for her. I’ll always be there for her, but I cannot mother her anymore. I wanted to bring up one other point. What Anna said is right. Make friends in the same age group as you, though I do have friends who are much older and much younger. But, I adjust my expectations from those outside of my age group accordingly. I know it’s not their job to make me feel included, I know it’s my job to find people who I naturally feel I belong with. Finally, having a wide array of friends gives you the option of tapping into different people to get your different needs met. That way you don’t put too much on one person, thereby unwittingly overwhelming them and pushing them away. Everyone needs to do their own trauma work.
For Southern women, the concern shaming is cloaked under a seemingly devout religious sentiment: "Honey, we're gonna pray for you." Ha! At it's highest Southern cultural level, you'll actually find yourself on the church prayer list without even having made a request. 😂😅😂🎉
As a younger person, I was always grateful to be invited and hang out with or have dinner with older members of my community. The thing is... you're the elder, you're the matriarch, your the head person. You are the one who has to invite the younger folks over to hang out, you're the one who organizes the parties and the big events. It's just social norm ingrained in us to respect our elders that way. And when I got invited, I respected them and visited them. And they weren't boring or dull... they were actually constants or rocks in my life that I could rely on for advice and wisdom (or food! when I was in college and too busy to cook, that was so important! I know it's a material thing but there were times I had a hard time surviving), until they sadly passed. It's all about a youngster/elder dynamic. So the thing you're probably not seeing is that your status is higher than you realize, and that you have to accept it and integrate into it. Do people like to hang out with other youth? Sure. But at a certain point they do need the older friend who is their rock and their guide, and even their leader. Later as I grew older, younger people invited me to things that were great, but I was the one who felt out of place, and wanted to be with peers, but they valued me and valued my insight, so I had to start seeing myself in that older youth role, like a mentor.
Some of us just can't find the right words to express what we're feeling at crucial moments. That's when relationships can be damaged. I didn't like how my friend acted when she was drunk, but I didn't have the courage to tell her. One day, I had enough. We took a long break from each other. Years later, she's no longer drinking, and now she is a totally different person and our friendship is back on track.
Childhood Fairy has been a blessing. Now I am almost 28 and ready to turn my life for the better. To be honest, when I realized that I was having these exact same patterns you describe in your videos, I felt understood and kinda scared. Scared that I was about to miss the best parts of life: love and friendships. Now I am going to therapy and aware of my trauma-driven actions. Big thank you!
This whole video hit home for me. I'm also 63 & feel the same way. I've been working on myself but ctpsd is sometimes easier to forget & throw away the key. I don't feel like I'm a victim, I feel invisible & somewhat hopeless. Still trudging onward with a new spark. Thank you Anna.
Feeling invisible and hopeless *is* a victim mentality. Sometimes our vision is warped and we don’t see things as they actually are. You are not invisible or I wouldn’t have responded and nothing is ever hopeless. You are beautiful, lovable and worthy. ❤
I agree with you that "feeling invisible" isn't the same as being a victim. It is your feeling; you are not blaming anyone for it. You were taught that you didn't count and feel it. It isn't a matter of just waking up one day and saying everyone should see you. That will not work. It takes a lot of work to overcome. Victims don't take responsibility for fixing what happened. You said you are working on yourself. When you break your leg, it will hurt. But you will get a cast then physical therapy. It will hurt. Same with the feeling invisible. It is ludicrous to say hurting (feeling invisible) makes you a victim. Hey, I saw that spark!
@@cici2562 may I ask your age, please, Ci Ci? Curious where your reply is coming from. I'm not sure whether I agree about the victim mentality idea or not. 🤔
I thought I finally had a 'real' friend. We were discussing my upcoming trip to a semi dodgy area, and she very helpfully mentioned that because I am "a bit frumpy and a bit ugly" I will "be fine". She finished with "No offense". I was stunned and hurt. BUT this woman had to leave her last place because her neighbours slashed her tires, has 2 "arch enemies" (her words) in her current building. After days of beating myself up I finally put together that the time previous when I had seen her she had said something about my boots (nice and how did I get them). In the conversation in question she also mentioned how every man on the beach that day had "come on" to her. Even figuring out the reasons, it still is disappointing that someone I trusted turned out like this, again. I took myself into town today and people didn't recoil in horror, so I can't be that bad....
I’m the same age as Carla and have been a friendship chameleon for most of my life. When I couldn’t fake things anymore, I lost or let go of all my friends. Anger at the world also haunted me in jobs. I made friends really easily but wasn’t good at keeping them. I lost several significant friendships for the reasons you outline in this video, some of which were ended by me and the rest by them. One deep friendship ended because I couldn’t get over the tough love she dished out, and I’m so regretful now. I relate to Carla SO well and feel such sadness for her.
Cant help but feel for Carla, whoever you are and to anyone else be your best friend, 1st Love yourself more than anything, treat yourself, speak to yourself like your speaking to a little cute baby, start with baby steps too and work through your problems. Much Love
You know the fact that I am so very scared to watch your videos means I need to. thank you for what you do. This sht is really very hard. My heart goes out to us all ❤️
Such a good point about the "too many rules" pushing friends away. I have a friend who is so high maintenance when our little group meets up that it makes me dread seeing her. I met up with her last year, just the two of us, and it made me realise she has so many of her own boundaries but does not respect the boundaries of others, she did not even treat me with the decency of listening while I was speaking. We've been friends since high school but it made me realise I don't actually enjoy her company anymore, and I have let the friendship fade out. We're still in touch via social media and message now and then, but I think I need to leave it at that to avoid being disappointed.
My problem with forming friendships has been that Ive been drawn to people with trauma but who haven’t dealt with it fully so they ended up having a (misguided, from my perspective) trauma response that made me not trust them because they put me in dangerous situations…. 😅 Authenticity has not been a problem for a long time for me 🤗 but I’d still like to have more friends!
Ugh this hits home. I’m super “nice” and put up with bad treatment again and again until I burst and all of it comes out at once. That’s one way to lose a friend. But I have also been the too “nice” person who gets ghosted because I’m too accommodating and makes people uncomfortable. I have been on the receiving end of that too, I end up losing interest because they are trying too hard to be “nice” that they are boring.
I relate to the being too "nice" which comes across as boring. Since I have ADHD (but wasn't diagnosed until my son was) I have always known that I can be "too much". Naturally, when I meet new people, I try to be on my best, most pleasing behaviour. Very recently I learned that when I'm trying to be normal, what I'm actually doing is being so bland it's more interesting watching paint dry than talking to me. 😬 I have often wondered why I have a hard time making friends straight off. All my friends come from people having been forced to spend quite a bit of time with me, and after that, often they do like me. (So, my friends come from my cousin's friends, or friends of friends, or from a class or club where we met weekly for months) Now I realize it's because at first they didn't notice me in my "normal human, not at all annoying or loud" disguise. And because I can't hold up the disguise for very long, eventually it disintegrated and the real me popped out, and at that point is where we could actually start getting to know each other. It's difficult when you are trying to do something pleasing, but actually that's the very thing that blocks relationships.
I used daily practice (not daily) to help me calm my triggers. I did this when a friend misunderstood me when she said I had an attitude with her. I just apologized to her. What I did was wrote my resentments and fears on paper and burned it and then did the 20 min meditation. Instead of getting the urge to yell at her, I just sent her love and respect and was able to come to her from a neutral space.
Making friends is not only hard for people with cptsd , I think has become harder for everyone! People move around a lot these days, communities are not as strong as they used to be, and families are smaller. While technology has helped mankind in many ways, it can also create isolation. Americans work long hours, and often have odd work schedules, which makes socializing difficult.. Our society seems to place high importance on things, money, status, and so many spend their time chasing after these things. Much has been written lately on the subject of loneliness and lack of friendship....it's a really common problem for so many reasons.
Wow, dealing with the same thing. I lashed out and lost a friend group of 35 years. They have no idea of my CPTSD. I’m 59 and have no friends in my town or anyone I feel actually would go out of their way to just have lunch
Wow, this was right on time. I don't have one friend accept for my poor husband. That being said, he is putting up with my crap. This is so needed right this second. Thank you!
Thank you! My husband watched with me. He tries really hard to be there for me when I am sick. He had a crappie childhood too, he doesn’t know how to help, he tries.
This really did break down quite a bit for me. Fairy, I must say that following your videos and continuing my own doctors/therapists has started to actually wake my brain up to be more alert and conscious of my actions, my words, and the friendships are a huge issue for me. So, thank you again and again for taking the time out of your life to educated us on this subject!!! As you know, it has that beautiful stigma!! lol
I heard the “Carla” letter many months ago - and was so deeply touched by her honesty, goodness and struggle - sending her love and warmth and would be so wonderful if we could get an update on Carla, in her Crappy Childhood Program. 😊❤
I relate to the Carla letter a lot and wish her well I would love to hear updates... I hope all of us were feeling this way can share honesty support one another lovingly and perhaps find some connections even through here
Deep thinking honest people who want meaningful relationships are experiencing difficulties making and keeping friends now. CPTSD is not the only explanation for this dynamic.
I went around the house today and cleaned it while listening to this whole thing. I cannot say how much better I feel about things. One person that is popping into my mind is my Mom. She is 64 years old. I spent a lot of time in therapy and not knowing where things came from. My mom was very neglectful of me and my sister. We both have sever anxiety issues. I think in some ways my mom was too much in her own trauma to deal with us and that is why she bullied us, neglected us, and we grew up not knowing what a mom could be. We would see how our friends mothers (some of them) would really take care of their daughters. Clean rooms, put food on the table for the kids. It was strange how we didn't want to have people over because our room had old furniture and my mom didn't teach us how to properly take care of things like cleaning our sheets, or getting us training bras, letting us wear clothes that were ill fitting etc. As soon as we were old enough to put a chair up to the sink or washing machine, we were to do the house keeping, we were also expected to cook all the meals by 8! As a teen my mother was competing with me and my sister like she was a big sister. It was very odd behavior. She even picked a fight with a girl my age in my school and was mean to her because she was the popular girl. My mom worked in the school. This happened in my Jr high years. She was proud that she could make friends with Jr High kids. She was really messed up. Even as I type this, I just remember thinking all this will change once I can leave the house and this town. It didn't change for me. My anxiety got worse, my depression worse. I couldn't hold jobs because of my anxiety. In and out of community college, a failed marriage. I never really had close friendships. I was "nice", I listened to all their stuff and tend to pick bossy people....then I would just ghost them. Do you know how hard it is to be a "friend" who is just pretending to be a friend so they are not alone? It is exhausting. I thought I was the only one until I found this channel. I was in a dark place the last few days. I have to face the fact that I am an alcoholic and I used it to smooth over the gross feelings. I have done some painful things to myself and other people as a drunk. I think I had to hear from therapists that I was neglected and ignored because when I heard that, things started to unfold to where I at least knew that it did stem from not getting the coping skills and self soothing skills I needed as an adult. I have survived. At one point alcohol did serve a purpose for me to unlock and get some freedom from all my intrusive overwelmed thoughts, but it was short lived. I am 45 now and I am going to get to 12 steps and do the work. I have had dry drunk experiences because of terrible things I did, but I didn't do any of the work. I was white knuckling it. People are what I need to practice how to have good boundaries and still be able to share my real self. Listening to you gives me hope. I don't think anything I have done has been a waste of time. Before therapy I just had no reference. I never starved as a kid, they didn't sexually abuse me---I just didn't know the missing parts. Now that I see it I cannot unsee it and I know what I can work on. It is my responsibility to be responsible for my growth. (My dad was a workaholic and had a raging temper, when he was around we made ourselves scarce and did a lot of pretending). Pretending is what I got really good at, but then I started not being able to control my own frustration and rage. I think my parents were disappointed in their own lives and we were suppose to fix everything so they felt connected. I feel sorry for them too.
I relate to most of what you mentioned, I’m also 45, I smoked tobacco the past 25 years to smooth over the unbearable psychological pain. I learned a lot about how to manage my pain and I still have a long way to go. Hopefully everything will be ok with you
@@NYCStateofMind7 Thank you! We will be ok. Think of it as strand of beads or perils. One day one bead. It is practice and if we want to change we just need to develop muscle memory. A little each day and be kind to yourself and others.☺️☀️
Financial abuse is a real thing. My kids had holes in their shoes but went to nice schools, but my parents paid for that and my parents paid for their clothes and birthday parties and the dog my ex brought home I had PTSD going into my relationship and young age found out he was narcissistic after the kids were born that’s when things ramped up, after my brother was found dead I wanted another child not just one that was just another trauma in my life. I had already been through two made actually three major traumas before that my problem is, I can vent it to my children. I didn’t drink I didn’t do drugs. I made sure they went to camps. I read him books. I try to keep the house as normal as possible with my parents would always tell me since my ex or husband at the time works for my parents that I need to work harder in the marriage so everybody in our circle thought my ex was wonderful so I thought it was me When I was just seat them to get validation because I had no money money was controlled. I lived on $150 a week that paid for the milk that we needed extra because he bought the groceries and took care of the bills and that took care of the gas to run the kids back-and-forth to school my make up and at the time I smoked cigarettes, which I quit. It was too expensive.. best thing I ever did was quit that and quit trying. I got really sick. A lot of things became evident that he was cheating on me stealing money, hiding money, tearing things like in the house to cause issues hiding things in the house. Very manipulative behaviors. I was with this man for almost off the fuck are you doing in about 30 years total. He remarried some woman in Texas after only known her lesson six months then again that could’ve been a lie because he was dating his brother-in-law’s younger sister, and these people turn your kids away from you and everyone else see you must study the behavior like you’re working on a PhD before you date. Make sure you love yourself and you know how to profile people buy books on it!!!! Learn everything you can protect you and your children later on after your children either one with healthy and toxic looks like a manipulation and gaslighting!!! stop generational abuse!!!!! 🙏🙏
1 year later: Carla, I always loved to be surrounded by older people. There is something fascinating about the many many things that I can learn from them, and even if they are going through a hard time, there is a calm and warm energy about them, and that makes things so workable. That's what I imagine you are from the way you wrote, beyond the stress that is mentioned there. Kudos to you! I hope things are better for you now and you fixed the car or even got a new one! 😊
Being ghosted hurts. It happens frequently to me. I’m 64 and recognize a lot of what Carla said. I have that imbalance of excessively wanting to please others, while interpreting every little terse or unenthusiastic statement from someone as rejection of me. I’ve been progressing in the last 10 years, but these obstacles persist.
Honestly struggle to keep good close friends at times. I have some, but its hard. I am just a generally nice person but last time I lost a friend was them scolding me like a child (I'm in my 30's) for laughing too loud. I tried to say that we probably aren't compatible if me being happy makes them upset, but they insisted multiple times that I was somehow at fault for laughing and being happy around them, and I just said I would rather go where my personality can be appreciated, not shut down. Like. Just weird. Who does that. If I'm overwhelmed by someone else's personality just being too much, thats a me problem not something they've personally done WRONG. Realized that well. The only times in my life that I couldn't laugh or smile was when I was being abused, and its why I felt so hurt when he flat out said he preferred me when my personality was small and scared. Nope. Don't need that.
Good for you! Those of us with CPTSD were taught/forced to make ourselves small to not rock the boat, upset others or not draw attention to ourselves. No more! Now we're living, loving and LAUGHING OUT LOUD to celebrate the work we're doing on ourselves, how far we've come, and how far we're going.
The only thing left out is to vet the people you want to be friends with. I never knew about narcissists and flying monkeys before a work “friend “ group. It was a painful experience however what I have learned from it has been worth it.
I can relate a lot to what Carla was going through. I think a lot of people with similar issues are genuinely good people who were unfortunate enough to not have the opportunities in life to show it.
"When I put it on UA-cam, I found all of you!" I LOVE this. It really shows how we can't rely on the people we know in person, to give us an accurate read on our ideas. Here's a truth I'm taking away from this video: if we rely on people in our lives to help us grow, our growth will be limited. We have to do the internal work, on our own! Thank you for existing and sharing! I LOVE your channel.
What gets me is …..I encourage and build up friends, their self esteem goes up, and they use my words, copy my style, and all of a sudden I’m not good enough to hang out with, it’s weird, everything is happy and fun and then, the relationship turns into a one woman show with me as the captive audience…..Or I get dumped…..it’s really disheartening, I know who I am, I know my kindness, I know my ❤……I don’t get it…..happens to my kids, too…..that really breaks my heart, my kids are such great human beings…..lots of prayers on my end…..love to all of you who go thru the same✨
Woah! This could've been me writing this. It breaks my heart seeing my daughter going through this and I see the other girls taking her identity. I'm currently looking for how to help her.
That was me some time ago I think. R u a people pleaser? If so pray for God to change u so u want to please only Him and not people. He will and u will see who is manipulative from the beginning
Hey Carla, your story resonates and I do hear you. I’m 55 and I come from a very negative family of origin and thus suffer from childhood trauma and all. The thing is, we are all built to connect. But if some of our past issues compromised our ability to connect, then we need to re-learn those skills, heal and try again. It’s a long process and results can be slow but you know what? They do come! One of the first, even if most difficult thing, is to learn to love YOURSELF FIRST. Put yourself first. a) It helps weed out those with bad intentions because your own self-love helps you intuit what doesn’t feel good when someone treats you poorly. This strengthens your own instincts, you gradually learn to trust yourself more b) It helps you to be more compassionate to yourself and in the process, reduce the need to seek validation from others. As you expand in your self-compassion, your heart is able to be more compassionate to others, to hold space for them, and YET, not compromise on your boundaries c) It helps you to find your own tribe in time, helps to attract those who see and accept you for who you are, because self-love gives you the freedom to accept yourself and be yourself, in front of others. Those who don’t like you, are simply not for you. We can’t be liked by everyone, it’s impossible d) It enables you to be who you truly are, Carla, a beautiful human being, on your own self-journey. You Carla are here, like us, we all have our struggles and like us are watching this channel to seek help to overcome our issues. So you are fine and normal. Keep the faith and move forward my Lovely. Growth and development is in our destiny when we seek it 🙏🏼
I’ve been developing my sense of self and discovering who I am and what I like to do after 25 years of doing what my husband likes to do and being very unhappy half the time. I also have discovered many of my friends are narcissistic and selfish, rarely ask me about myself but I also have hidden myself for years trying to control how others see me
My closest friend recently ended our friendship. This is someone who I've always tried to be a good friend to and genuinely cared for. The way she did it was so ... I am trying not to let it bother me and not to take it personally because she's going through her own journey but it's just hard.
Holy moly. I've seen a couple of your videos before but this one and another that popped up in my feed today really hit home. "You're too much." " You're so intense." I hear that all the time. And recently got an ADHD DX at 61. That combined with Childhood PTSD (which I believe I have) has made life and relationships difficult. I've been saying for years I think I have CPTSD but related it to things that happened as an adult. Now I think that is related to my dad's mental illness and his hospitalizations when I was 4 and again when I was 8. ECT turned him him into a "zombie". For years, I had nightmares from the evening when he was arrested in our home and I was wrested from his arms. Over reactions and rejection sensitivity especially since my biggest supporter (my mom) died have been way too frequent. Thank you. I am fighting to create a "life worth living." Your videos (asking with others and continued therapy) will help a lot.
It is SO excruciatingly painful, embarrassing, and shameful to experience such emotional dysfunction at this stage of life. We didn't know how to process our emotions as children, and now, we don't have the skills to manage past and present ones. Up to now, I've been pretending because I don't want anyone to know what a mess I am inside. I can't even cry anymore as I have blocked the part of me that releases emotion. It hasn't helped for so many years and I believe I have shut them down. Unfortunately, I feel like exploding with repressed emotions. I keep telling myself that I just want to be normal. But I have accepted the idea of fighting myself for the rest of my life. It is both comforting and disheartening to know that so many other 60+ individuals hiding an internal struggle with CPTSD. We should be beginning to enjoy our golden years, right? I love your phrase "start expressing yourself." I'm pulling her off the shelf!
Thank you so much for writing this letter Carla, it's been so valuable for me to hear Fairy's response. I'm 58 and most of my work has been with much younger colleagues, with me trying to fit in and find friendship. When I look back at myself in these situations I feel so much compassion for myself, I was trying so hard and I just didn't know what I was doing wrong. I am slowly changing, I now see a couple of old school friends for coffee every month or so, and am meeting another new friend of my own age later today. I'm having to undo a lifetimes habits of hiding my real self from other people and myself! I can see some hope finally. Compassion for myself has been the key thing. You can't be a good friend to anyone if you can't be a good friend to yourself first. Good luck with your brighter future Carla, it's out there for you xxx
Traveling alone is so awesome! I've done it a lot. You meet and connect with more people and you have the option to do what you want without having to constantly compromise.
I love you Anna! I've been desiring to launch my own show for a long time but was too ill. Now that I'm better I'm more ready than ever and have gained so much more wisdom from my amazing journey. Thank you for being inspirational and encouraging. Rock on!
This totally got me, just weeping with a bit of sadness but mostly hope and CCF’s response just hit me in the feels. I’m with you Carla. What a letter and contribution you’ve made. I’m 45 years old, never married, no kids, rarely date etc… and I totally resonate. As CCF said, it’s such a beautiful and holy desire to want authentic connection. You’re not alone ❤️✨
When I was in my 20-30s, I got hung up when I saw my friends went to parties without asking me. I can get upset but now when I am in my 40s, I just don’t care any more.Sometimes it’s not about you. I think we should make friends not by quantity but quality. You don’t wanna make friends who are toxic for sure. I learned in a hard way…..so don’t let your friends upset you, if they do, they are not true friends
I agree with this poor lady! “Fake friends”…..happens all the time to me! However…I am only comfortable being a giver, a healer. I’m very uncomfortable receiving! Yes, I was neglected, actually was told by my mother that she tried to abort me. Plus…(I was a clergyman’s wife) 🙄. Poor Carla I get her.
I've had this experience many times. What's worse is when you make a new friend who is close to your own age, and you ARE yourself, and this happens. I met a woman last year when we were both new teachers at a school. We bonded immediately. As the weeks passed we began sharing negative things we had both experienced at the school, which was in truth a pretty horrible place to work. She and I bonded over this, and got really close. Then suddenly she ghosted me. Long story but she ended up completely betraying me and refusing to speak to me and I ended up never seeing her again. I quit my job, again long story, and realized it happened again. Only I was really myself in this friendship. Now I'm walking on eggshells all over the place, and really afraid to say anything at all to anyone. I fear interacting with the few friends I have left, and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me.
@@jehouse61 Women can be so mean and catty to each other. I think after the "bonding" phase that feels great is over, there's this space where some people see the faults in this new friend and get critical. This "all good or all bad" thinking is immature. Add to this the social dynamic of other friends who "mean girl" women behind their back.... Ugh. Men are less complicated.
I check in weekly with my best friend from high school. We live in opposite ends of the country, and had a few years with no contact due to my reckless habits. My dad dying brought us back together. We just gush out mutual support, love, laughter, sharing of dating woes (ugh), and cry when we can’t forget our ex.. anything. My weekly calls with her are a godsend because they remind me that I AM worth keeping as a friend, and I’ve got at least one who reciprocates it back. If you have one, you have the capacity and ability to find others in the future. Your people. It isn’t always your fault on those dark days.
I love this. Keeping in touch with friends who are far away is hard, I find. Glad it's reciprocal. And hoping I can have such a long-term friendship one day.
Remember in your twenties when you felt insecure and sometimes needy? Then you try to act like you don't feel that way. Then you encounter all kinds of people who behave in all kinds of ways you never would and you were shocked and would not allow yourself to respond in kind back at them. You walk away feeling angry, hurt, and oblivious of what to do and this goes on for years. Then you get up to your fifties to sixties and have experiences of all kinds of abuse, hurt, shock, disappointment. You have been nice, patient, understanding and other people don't reciprocate. Then your reach a precipitous and stop giving a shit about what people think of you and you start telling the truth to the the users, manipulators, mean people. You start holding people accountable and they don't like it or you for saying it. Then you realize that alone is better than fake people who don't give a fuck about you. I have faced with great pain, heartbreak, disappointment sometimes loneliness that I'm not good at superficial. Remember all those people still tolerate what you use to tolerate and you can't change them. My parents had no wisdom to teach me, so I floundered my whole life. Now I do the best I can to be real also speak up and rarely does anyone admire that. Now you don't want to go back to the way you were and either way you go ,there are consequences. I know so many women who stay in relationships for years with no love no respect because their payoff is money, material comfort and terrified to be alone with themselves. All I can say is I live alone and get lonely, scared, needy and at least I have some self respect and dignity and I'm not going back to the way I was.
Been listening to the wise fairy all day. So fortunate to have found this channel. I was not abused or neglected intentionally as a small child, but I had some health challenges that may have traumatized a child who doesn’t understand what’s going on.
I wasn’t even looking for videos on CPTSD, and stumbled upon your channel by accident. I’ve been watching a lot of videos on autism, which ended up bringing me here. But wow I relate to so much on your channel. Can a person have experienced trauma their entire life and not have been fully aware of it? This is definitely something I’m going to continue to explore. A friend recently told me it sounds like I’ve been dealing with emotional abuse from my family, and I never realized it. Also, I feel that I’m almost always in fawn or flight modes. I am a huge people pleaser, and am so afraid of being a bother or a burden. I also run away from situations instead of confronting and dealing with them.
Yes, it is certainly possible to experience trauma and not be fully aware of it. I encourage you to check out this free quiz and see how many of the questions resonate with you: bit.ly/CPTSD-Quiz -Calista@TeamFairy
Carla, sending you love and hugs. Thank you for sending that letter in. It's helping so many of us! I'm learning so much...like maybe joining a group. MeetUp is great for that to find others doing things you love. It's free & anyone can start a group. So if you like gardening, you can start a group to MeetUp & talk about gardening or visit gardens. You just put all your interested in & it shows all the groups in your area that di that...like go to dinner, on a hike, go on adventures. Best wishes andI hope you Let Yourself Feel all the Love you are receiving from all of us right now!
I’ve only got through her reading the letter but I had to stop for a second. My heart is broken for her. That was incredibly painful to hear what she’s going through.
I absolutely love you crappy childhood fairy! You have helped me so very much! Thank you for having the strength and courage to turn your pain into power and using that power to help others! You are absolutely doing what you were sent here to do! 🥰Also, sending Carla huge hugs🤗 and love!💕
Late to the party as always. Keep up the hard work Carla, and thank you 🧚♀️! I'm going on 50 and recently realized my entire family has CPTSD. This all makes so much sense now. Hoping this is just my first baby step to real progress and that my family joins me in healing when they see me change. My husband caught me stopping a meltdown last week, and it was such an ah ha moment for both of us!
33:45 - 45:50 This example, all the way through your explanation, is so specific to CTPSD and childhood trauma. I don’t think I’ve ever heard it described and portrayed so clearly before. My jaw is on the floor lol So many gems of wisdom in there. 🙌❤️
“ I’m not enough; I’m too much “. Yes, that. I’m 55. Your peers are out there. Many of us want solid, true friendships. People we can be ourselves with. I’m starting to wonder, if I start being myself, maybe I’ll find “ my people “? Maybe it’s time to want more, stop begging and apologizing. Time becomes more valuable with aging. How, and with whom, do you want to spend it? You sound very much like a person who could be a true and valued friend.
Hi Carla, I tried practicing friendship by playing Second Life online. That was amusing and safe. Having a pet, growing some plants and feeding birds is a nice way to show love to living things too. If you have a passion or hobby you can make online buddies through chat. You sound very loveable. It will be hard for people not to want to get to know you. I love the advice of celebrating yourself. Good luck Carla.
SO helpful, thank you. I'm breaking free of the need to turn to friends to help prop me up emotionally. I'm turning to journaling & prayer. My heart goes out to Carla, I hear the pain & despair in her letter. I've been there many times. I'm praying for her.
I'm so glad it was helpful. It's great you're working on changing that habit, I know it can be difficult. Thank you for sharing those kind words for Carla :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I learned about a friendship being a triangle. The sides are vulnerability, consistency, & positivity. The positivity is about believing your friend has your best interest. (If a friend doesn't have your best interest such as back-stabbing, then they are not your friend.)
No, "positivity" in a friendship means there are enough aspects or times of enjoyment or mutual support or other "positive" things, that it allows the friendship to sustain itself. This triangle comes from Shasta Nelson, who is a friendship expert. If you practice consistency, positivity, and vulnerability, it really does help your friendships and her books help you see why, and exactly what they are. She has 2 books and a lot of material on youtube. I have learned a lot from her. I recommend the books, because youtube snippets are just not enough of an explanation.
This video is soooooooo timely! Going through something so eerily similar and it hurts like hell. I set a clear and healthy boundary with my FP who was a potential friend and someone who was behaving like they were interested in developing a friendship with me. They kept saying that we had a "good relationship" but on two occasions made plans and then found ways to back out of them. The first time it took them 3 days to say why the plan fell through. And it was done very flippant. The 2nd time, which was last week, they used a last-minute situation that seemed like it couldn't be avoided to back out, even though we had made plans and confirmed about 3 wks before. I didn't want a 3rd and more situations like these to arise so I asked that we not hang out or do anything together outside of our professional interactions. They turned it around on me, said I had a "trauma response" to an unplanned and yet necessary cancellation, removed me from their social media and told me that we will not interact much professionally either. Things have been frosty between us since then. Though I'm very sad that it's like this between us, I'm proud of myself for not teaching this person to treat my feelings cavalier. Don't act with me like you're interested in developing a friendship, get me intvested and excited about you, then find excuses both valid or flimsy, to breadcrumb me.
Wonderful timing as usual, thank you so much for talking about friends! I think a lot of us in this community don't have a family home base to go back to (parents and siblings) so we value friends a lot. I've been struggling with friendships since middle school and keep ending up in the same rut of being the nicest, bestest friend, and then being discarded. So thank you again for speaking about something that not even my therapist fully understood!
Absolutely, friendships are so important. If you're interested, Anna offers a course on creating and maintaining close relationships. Here is the link if you want to check it out: bit.ly/CCF_Connection -Calista@TeamFairy
Thanks Anna .Always on point. I think Covid created an epidemic of loneliness.. It's challenging to find genuine available people for friends or to date. It is Important to be discerning to vet new people. Jonathan Aslay has excellent dating relationship advice and resources for women of all ages seeking a healthy partnership.
I dont have any friends, and havent since early childhood. Actually I have no issue not having friends and now consider it a blessing. I have learnt to be independent and resilient without them. Never married, no children either. And as I grew up with two narcisstic parents, and thanks to my mother suffer from emotional incest, I have no contact with any of my family nor my relatives, all who had very dysfunctional families of there own. At this late stage of my life, healing is to late, so I have accepted that this is it for me. :)
Emotional incest is evil and very difficult to detect, realize, define and understand and it doesn’t mean that parent treat child with love it just mean that child is a substitute for a spouse ( who can be treated badly) and most importantly a shrink. Basically, they are highjacking child’s identity and replacing with whatever is projected. It’s so freaking difficult to understand and snap out of. So messed up dynamic
@@SlavicGirl. I didn’t receive any love either both parents being narcissistic. I also has a lot of bullying and bad treatment in primary school and high school, amongst other issues with people. To long to list here. However have also had people who cannot let go of me. My story could fill a 200 page novel.
I needed this so much right now. I had a breakup yesterday and I'm feeling ill and don't have anyone to talk to. You reminded me I'm on the right track. These are all the things I've been thinking and working towards. I appreciate you 🙏
This was just such a great medley. I don't even have words for how comforting it is to hear someone verbalise so clearly the concepts that you've been ruminating about in solitude for years, thinking that nobody would even understand anyway:) Thank you for all you do and for how you are as a person❤
Wow, this is my third video on this channel. Phenomenal! Very insightful. I am watching this one again, there is so many gems, im sure i missed one. Thank you so much for making these responses.
I've been struggling with a friend lately and damn....this really hits home. We should be happy for our friends and give them some forbearance. I feel like I've been backstabbed and that's really hard right now...but you're so right. So hard to want to try and do at the moment.
My cousin in ME catches up with her old time friends once a year at Christmas and go to a tin spot like swimming pool and restaurant and then shop for their families and they exchange presents. It works for them. I would so love that
I feel doomed! Going through medical issues, my house is in the middle of a major reform, which is going on for ten years, no family or friends and have this emptiness inside…I feel like everything I try is going to lead me nowhere. It looks like an autoimmune deficiency only that’s emotional…
im so glad you mentioned CODA! 12 steps are helpijg me to start to figure out friendship, connections and unconditional love. people and groups are available at many hours virtually. its the best thing I've experienced in my life.
I feel for Carla. I've got a few life-long friends but others are just this. We thought we'd made friends when we moved, but then I got sick and people would have to just prepare a little to see us to keep me safe and ... *poof* ... gone. They can't be arsed. I'm inconvenient. I'm dying slowly and they don't care about me or my beautiful family. I'm not bothering anymore except for keeping up with those who I moved a long way from years ago because we needed to move and imagined always going back, but now I can't. But I am pissed off. I will not beg. If they were interested they wouldn't just send "thoughts and prayers" ... cos thoughts and prayers are nice, but they do not keep you company. I wish they'd stop pretending. I have. Sorry, went on about me. Carla - HUGE hugs!
Your compassionate wisdom is like an oasis. Thanks so much for continuing to offer these videos. My partner and I are preparing to move and these videos help us prepare for our potential friends and neighbours.
Oh Carla, I just heard your story! I can Totally relate! I am 62 and most the people I work with are are 30 years or more younger than I! They are very fun, but I am not their peer. I meet friends in a twelve step program. We usually dont go out, often we don't even know each other's last name, but for 1 hour a week, I know I will see them. Sometimes more comes from these relationships, I guess what people want. I seem to be pretty content with just the time I see them at meetings. Just want you to know, you are not alone with these feelings you expressed!!! ❤
PS, Carla, I Did mistake them, and other's, in their 40s for wanting g a friendship from me, as I did from them. I was so disappointed, really with the 40 something group when they weren't interested! I often forget the age difference, as I still feel like I'm younger. Ugh, tough when we recognize others not reciprocating our feelings. I Get it!!
Thanks for sharing, glad you are here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yes me too. At 66 I know loads of people of all ages, but developing friendships has always been difficult. It's good to know other people have experienced this too!
I am 64 and same story. I have been ghosted by a group of girls that I went to high school with. I just think there is a connection and there is not. I get needy though.
Thank you so much both for this video and all the comments and I really relate to this string of comments
@S Sutherland @Karen and others because I'm seeking friendships in my sixties because some of my best friends have died, some have move some have moved politics has no communication possible now and some of even betrayed me and my trust and friendship. Maybe we can all go to CODA meetings and start a real friend's after 5O group?!
I am in my thirties and most people I work with are in their 50s. I am terribly alone. Just to say it works both ways
I'm bothered by a catch 22 here. We're told since we don't have a real family, we need to "create" our family thru friends. Then We're told we can't expect very much of those friendships, don't get attached, only connect once a month, realize our needs or wants cannit be a priority to oir friends, ect because they are just friends and not family. To expect anything like family from friends or to be devoted to our friends, like we would to siblings, is codependent, unhealthy. Does anyone else see this? Just me?
You are right. The truth is you need to become your family and friend. No one will ever provide this for you. What is confusing is why we ever thought deep connection to another could actually happen. Too many fairy tales or romantic movies? The best you can hope for is to meet someone who shares your values and who is ready to commit to a long term relationship. But realize that is not the starry-eyed, devoted to your every need connection you dream of. It isn't realistic. You can't live that way for someone else and it isn't fair to expect them to do it for you. But you can have a mate who cares for you and you for them. In fact, you will make a better, more meaningful connection if you stop looking for your heart to palpitate. Be honest about what you want, take your time to get to know other people. Be ready to work hard.
Our moms failed to make us feel safe, to teach us that we are the greatest person in our world and capable of taking care of our own needs. We are trying to make others give us what she didn't. Don't expect anything from others. Mom owed you. No one else, besides you, owes you anything. Give them what you are able to give them without losing yourself. Enjoy giving for the sake of giving. But recognize what your needs are, too, and walk away if they are not met to the standard you set. It is okay for you to have needs. Figure out what they are and set your boundaries by them. Don't be angry at others who don't meet your needs. It is a waste of time.
This is the hardest lesson I had to learn. I think it is the lesson every person with CPTSD has to learn intellectually and to accept emotionally before we can begin to heal and begin to enjoy the life we deserve. I wish you all that you so seriously deserve.
@@nancybartley4610 thank you. I see what you mean and appreciate your taking the time.
I think what she’s saying is not to *expect* it from people. It’s possible to make friends that are like family, but it doesn’t happen all the time, and there’s nothing wrong with you if you can’t find that in friendships. People tend to prioritize their family or spouse, and may not commit to other relationships. Finding a spouse may help to bring that desired intimacy that is missing.
Nope! You aren’t the only one. What’s the point in life if not to create meaningful connections!! This catch 22 doesn’t add up. I watch these videos for entertainment purposes only. This we don’t owe anyone anything mentally or they don’t owe us is rude at best. Humans are social creatures for a reason. Civilization as we know it, cultures and traditions, wouldn’t exist if we just all decided to say screw you and screw this, I don’t owe anyone anything! That’s what causes the trauma to begin with and really seems like a meaningless way to go about life. What’s the point if you don’t strive for connection and relishing in the human experience.
I told myself this year I’m only putting effort into relationships and friendships where people are on the same page with me about what it means to them. Having a friend means someone to lean on and check in on you and support you as you grow. If that means I have few friends I’ll take it. It’s better than having superficial relationships. I’ll save that for work or the local coffee store!
Life’s too short!
No one is here for you. Only yourself.
Community college classes are great places to meet friends of all ages.
I don’t care What age you are at. It is difficult to make good friends. People are full of negativity and everyone is struggling with something. Good video Ana. ❤️
I agree, if you study friend groups, most people meet friends in childhood or college, or once they have a church or kids and parent groups etc. It is hard to make friends as an adult even if you are totally healthy.......best to find a hobby and like minded folks. Depression adds another hurdle....
Agree. It's challenging to find genuine people that are aligned.
I relaxed how much I dislike people as I get older so I don’t mind not having friends as long as I have my family and bf
At 45 I’m looking back on so many friendships that I’ve fled from due to childhood pain. Makes me so sad on friendships I’ve lost 😢
That’s me!
And me!
Never too late to reach out. If they cared then they will at least be open.If not, then you at least get an answer.
I think also because we *were* neglected we weren't taught/allowed to figure out how to socialize.
Good topic: socializing w/
1. acquainted
2. work "friends"
3. casual friends
4. close friends
5. romantic partner
And that it’s okay to have different people in your life for different purposes, ie your hiking club, your book club, your Bible Study, your brunch bunch
@@daisyviluck7932 Totally agree Daisy.
The pain of having no friends, no family, and I can't even afford to have a pet -- self-pity aside, there is nothing I have experienced, literally nothing, that is as painful as social isolation. And having cPTSD your friendships fall apart and you don't even know why. But this seemingly unbearable emptiness inside has exposed my ego and is useful as a spiritual teacher (no thing in this world will ever make me feel whole). I'm glad we're all on this healing journey together, I hope we all find that special person one day 💖
As a pet-lover who has rescued MANY pets who were ditched by their owners, I want you to know that I THINK YOU’RE AWESOME for being aware that you don’t have the financial ability to give good physical care at this time to support a pet!!! It seems like many, many people never stop, beforehand , to assess their resources!! I know that’s a bit off of your focus, but , in my opinion, you’re more balanced than you think! Best wishes in your healing!💗🙏🏻
@@barbarahawkins7864 yes what keeps me going is having a pair of rescue kitties. i want them to have a good home and i want to take them to the doctor if they're sick. thanks for your encouragement, i'll get there
Sending everyone on this thread love!
Darling. The hardest part I think is to relax into ourselves be our true self. Stopping the monkey brain etc. I'm so low even my bed kicks me out of it because it's bored of my sweat and tears🙄🤔😂. Do we have to remember that this shall pass, i must write down how I get myself out of the abiss. One is to be genuine to myself and others, try and do what you like, a day at a time, I find it so hard to wash!!!!! So that's a goal??? Anyway I feel for you and I'm glad you shared you feelings thank you. Good luck. 🙏
Sorry but that special person only exists in fairy tales
Yep, totally get Carla. I am so crushed because awhile back I decided to not reach out to anyone because it seemed like I was the only one working for any type of connection. Guess what. NOBODY reached out to me. I'm 61 and I just don't get it. I have tons of acquaintances but to have a female friend that really gets me and accepts me is something I've not experienced. I've been ghosted by every group out there and never really knowing where I fit, or which group I fit. So, I just stay alone. It's easier.
I'm so sorry that's been your experience. Creating and maintaining close relationships can be so difficult. If you're interested, Anna offers a course on how to create deeper relationships called 'Connection Bootcamp', here's the link if you want to check it out: bit.ly/CCF_Connection
-Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Aw, thank you. I will check it out. I love your presentations. Listening to Covert Avoidance right now and WOW, hello Self.
I hope that friend comes along.
Pets rock. Usually more than humans in my experience.
Same here at age 61!!! So many fake friends sucks ☹️
My frienships have dwindled to almost nothing. For me as a middle aged person who now works from home, forming new connections seems like an impossibility. I have a few old friends, but none live near me and it feels like I am always the one initiating the contact.
I totally understand that being the only initiator... 3 years of focused action being real but asking little and making more efforts than other people made and being the first one to say please thank you ecetera I'm starting to see some initiation from others but I still feel like I'm a long way from people that might really help me if I was ill, or God forbid when I die, because there's no family partner or children to help me or look after those end-of-life issues... Is anyone else dealing with this too?
Does anyone have ideas?
Maybe we should all move to a big property with rolling hills near City resources and help each other?! Lol
@lindaHutchings yes I am dealing with similar issue. Agree with all living in a place together 🤣
@winnie6203 same here!
Shasta Nelson talks about this problem of always having to initiate. It is a very common complaint. The reason I don't initiate is because if the other person initiates, I know they really want to do it. If I initiate, I never know if they really want to do it (even if they accept). So, it makes me feel insecure the whole time. We (I) really need to overcome this and start initiating often.
@@LindaHutchings same!
Actually, it’s been my experience, that my Being so accommodating and doing anything and everything for “friends, “led me to be taken advantage of time and time again. When I got fed up with doing all the giving, and receiving nothing, yes nothing, in return, I just shut the person out. These are not true friends; They are users. It is not easy to find true friend. One can have lots of acquaintances by being super nice, but heaven help you if you ever need anything in return.
Yes this had been my experience also and this happens to many people and not just to us cptsd people, we have to stop thinking that it is just us x
Agree
So you are giving over and above what is comfortable for you in order to get back when you need? This isn’t healthy and as you see it doesn’t work. You are the one who needs to monitor the ease with which you are able to give a thing. If you cannot give easily from abundance of a resource that you have then you probably can’t afford to be giving. Giving with an expectation of receiving is just a recipe for disaster. You admit to doing this constantly like it a normal thing. It’s not.stop it. Check in with yourself deeply before you respond to another’s needs. Consider your own first.
This!!!
@elsagrace3893 agree, honestly OP sounds a bit codependent.
Alexa, remind me to buy an interesting book. 😂 Thank You to CCF and the woman who wrote this letter. This community is a sanity saving reminder that we are not alone in our battle. Thanks for being here. ❤
You for sure are definitely not alone in this.
So true!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yes - we are not alone in this. For so long it felt like that though. Communities and places like that give us the comfort of knowing that all that we are going through - is actually normal. That validation is crucial. (Ironically recently I bought myself 3 new books, so doing something right 😅)
This could be me. I got surrounded by selfish folks. I did JUST what you described, serving others' needs. I finally got " woke" after a lifetime. I had to clear out a lot of trash. Following this. I find I 'm lonely ... for healthy people.
Yes, dress colorful. I shop at goodwill,found so much fun clothes!
I love that you mention dressing up. I'm a wallflower type that has trouble speaking up, and recently I've been trying to learn non verbal ways to express myself. Dressing up a couple times a week has actually done a lot for my peace and confidence because like, nothing bad happens. I'm standing out from the crowd in a positive, creative way, and there are no consequences. Ive been doing this for almost a year, and someone made fun of me for veing overdressed the other day. First time that's happened. And my confidence was enough that i just rolled my eyes at him, totally unhurt. Its a great feeling.
I can relate to Carla! All i ever wanted was to fit in and be accepted by a friend or group of friends.
I met this girl (i’ll call her (Sarah) through a coworker. She was my coworker’s best friend, and we had a few things in common. I really wanted to be her friend. I invited her to a concert because I didn’t want to go alone, but she ended up inviting her friend and a guy she met at a rodeo the night before. I was a bit hurt she wouldn’t just come with me, but i rolled with it. I was enjoying the concert and went to the bar to get a drink, and when i returned, they were all gone. I texted Sarah to ask where they were and she said, “Oh, we went home.” The random bloke she brought with her felt sick apparently. But they didn’t say goodbye or let me know. As hurt as i was by this, I continued to invite her to things and she continued to demonstrate her indifference towards me.
But there is a lovely ending to this story. Through therapy and a lot of self-analysis i started to assess my true feelings, interests, hobbies, beliefs and every aspect of my life i’d tried to mould to everyone else’s. Eventually i ended up meeting my best friend who has been my biggest blessing and encouragement. It took over a year for us to really become friends after meeting. We started out just seeing each other maybe once a month or less, but over time little by little i saw that she was a trustworthy person and we both cared about each other and mutually enjoyed each other’s company. It took a lot of patience, healing and learning, but it was well worth the work.
What a great story, thanks for sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
The ending of your story is great, I’m so glad for you! I think the other girl brought people with her bc she felt awkward going with you alone. I get that. But what wasn’t ok was her skipping out when your back was turned. What a shmuck. Good riddance.
So happy for you. The disappoint I incurred from a potential friend breadcrumbing me led to investing in myself and starting therapy again. I want to be my own bestfriend first and, as CCF said, learn to state how I feel and ask for what I need in my relationships now. I was groomed as a child to hide my wants and needs and just attend to everyone around me or make myself so small and insignificant so that I don't add to the stress and chaos others around me caused.
@AW 08 she should've asked if I was OK to bring the others. In this case the OP might have acquiesced, even if they didn't want to, because CPTSD makes us peopl-pleasers, unfortunately, and she really liked this person so in order to spend time with them they might have minimized their own wants and go along. I'm glad they have a friend to call their own.
@@ClearandHealthyBoundaries you are exactly right. We’d hung out many times before without others around. If it happened now i’d think ok cool, i won’t invite her again and i’ll find someone who does genuinely enjoy spending time with me.
My first thought when she brought those others along was, “Oh, she doesn’t like me that much obviously.” Which is devastating when you don’t have many friends. Shame spiral incoming.
Glad you’ve also found therapy helpful! Sounds like your experience has been very similar to mine.
Some of us with autism struggle with this for a different reason. Our true nature is to be 'low key' and relaxed, but this behavior does not make or result in friends. We actually have to put effort into making friends, which is beyond our usual self. Then when we go back to being our usual self for a time, it looks like we have withdrawn. And so far, trying to explain this to prospective friends doesn't help the matter, and seems to come off as despiration.
Autistic people have a greatly reduced ability and need for friends because the neural pathways aren’t there. You probably aren’t autistic.you’ve got ALEXETHYMIA. So many people are claiming the label of autism because it relieves them of responsibility to learn the social skills and intra personal skills that you were not taught in childhood. It’s easy. And it makes them feel special.
Problem is that people don’t ever ask themselves why they talk behind other’s back. There is a whole lot of self discovery to be had from that question.
@@elsagrace3893 I don't think autism ever comes up for anyone over 30 as long as the person isn't presenting as Rainman, even then some sort brain damage would be the explanation of first choice. No one understands that autistic people aren't Necessarily crazy or stupid. As long as we present well and can take care of ourselves, how do we even ask someone else to (for an extreme lack of a better paradigm) "forgive" us for our failures because we're autistic? I've got issues being autistic that I'm trying to figure out, but I have no idea how to both tell someone else that I'm autistic and still remain a cognitive & moral peer in their estimation.
@FlyingMonkies325 that’s not autism. It’s normal for a third of the population. Why do you need to adopt autism label? It’s normal introversion coupled with lack of social skills. The very definition of an autistic person is that they don’t have a need nor and ability for social interaction
Yes say this!!! It's so difficult to mask for years just to get people to stay in your life only for them to accuse you of being fake or trying too hard etc. Yet then when you unmask and give space and try to 'be yourself', or you back away/take a break to prevent overstim or burnout, suddenly you get criticised for being too distant, lazy, inattentive, cold and harsh to have friends. Am really hoping one day I find a middle-ground that doesn't drive people away, but it seems like no-one has the understanding or willingness to put up with people like us.
I'm an Irish Scorpio with ADHD and CPTSD. I used to joke with my kids that it's a wonder I'm not in jail. I have one long term friend (40+ yrs) and have been more successful at making and keeping friendships by becoming my own best friend. doing the daily practice is really helping too. Sending big hugs to all fellow CPTSDers 🤗🤗🤗🤗
“Concern shaming.” Such a great coinage. I have a friend who did that to me recently. I’m generally someone who is not anxiously attached when it comes to friends (but anxious about a lot of other things though heh), while she is super anxiously attached when it comes to friends. Most of our friendship has been me caretaking her, tiptoeing around her needs, and not speaking my mind for fear of that fact that it’ll lead to a mini breakdown for her. Recently, she did something that really upset me, and I had to take time away from her to deal on my own. But she reached out to me incessantly, to the point where she concern shamed me that I was ignoring her when all she wanted was to check in on me. I didn’t respond to that either, because it came off as l extremely emotionally manipulative to me. Of course it’s not about whether I’m okay; why won’t I be okay? If something we physically wrong with my health, I know she would’ve heard through our common relations. So, clearly it wasn’t her looking after my well-being, it was her looking after her well-being, like she always does. I was very angry with her and I didn’t respond to her and only responded when I was ready and when she was un-defensive enough to listen to my concerns. I know her behaviors weren’t meant to be malignant, but after years of friendship, I realized that I had spoiled her and that if I didn’t stand my ground finally, she would continue to torpedo me with her needs. Things are getting better now. My focus is on me, so anyone who tries to get in the way of that, intentionally or unintentionally, will get reassigned in my life right now. But, I think she is finally healing her friendship trauma, and finding and making other friends, which is exactly what I wanted for her. I’ll always be there for her, but I cannot mother her anymore.
I wanted to bring up one other point. What Anna said is right. Make friends in the same age group as you, though I do have friends who are much older and much younger. But, I adjust my expectations from those outside of my age group accordingly. I know it’s not their job to make me feel included, I know it’s my job to find people who I naturally feel I belong with. Finally, having a wide array of friends gives you the option of tapping into different people to get your different needs met. That way you don’t put too much on one person, thereby unwittingly overwhelming them and pushing them away. Everyone needs to do their own trauma work.
For Southern women, the concern shaming is cloaked under a seemingly devout religious sentiment: "Honey, we're gonna pray for you." Ha! At it's highest Southern cultural level, you'll actually find yourself on the church prayer list without even having made a request. 😂😅😂🎉
"Between Me, My God and my piece of paper" amen!!!! I feel that. ..and talk less write more....my 1st aha moment of 2023!
As a younger person, I was always grateful to be invited and hang out with or have dinner with older members of my community. The thing is... you're the elder, you're the matriarch, your the head person. You are the one who has to invite the younger folks over to hang out, you're the one who organizes the parties and the big events. It's just social norm ingrained in us to respect our elders that way. And when I got invited, I respected them and visited them. And they weren't boring or dull... they were actually constants or rocks in my life that I could rely on for advice and wisdom (or food! when I was in college and too busy to cook, that was so important! I know it's a material thing but there were times I had a hard time surviving), until they sadly passed. It's all about a youngster/elder dynamic. So the thing you're probably not seeing is that your status is higher than you realize, and that you have to accept it and integrate into it. Do people like to hang out with other youth? Sure. But at a certain point they do need the older friend who is their rock and their guide, and even their leader.
Later as I grew older, younger people invited me to things that were great, but I was the one who felt out of place, and wanted to be with peers, but they valued me and valued my insight, so I had to start seeing myself in that older youth role, like a mentor.
Some of us just can't find the right words to express what we're feeling at crucial moments. That's when relationships can be damaged. I didn't like how my friend acted when she was drunk, but I didn't have the courage to tell her. One day, I had enough. We took a long break from each other. Years later, she's no longer drinking, and now she is a totally different person and our friendship is back on track.
Childhood Fairy has been a blessing. Now I am almost 28 and ready to turn my life for the better. To be honest, when I realized that I was having these exact same patterns you describe in your videos, I felt understood and kinda scared. Scared that I was about to miss the best parts of life: love and friendships. Now I am going to therapy and aware of my trauma-driven actions. Big thank you!
Wow! Keep turning your life around. Keep working! Jack@TeamFairy
Me too this makes so much sense and bravo
I am so happy you are aware and learning as a younger person… you will be so grateful for not spending one more second to heal. So proud of you!!❤
This whole video hit home for me. I'm also 63 & feel the same way.
I've been working on myself but ctpsd is sometimes easier to forget & throw away the key. I don't feel like I'm a victim, I feel invisible & somewhat hopeless.
Still trudging onward with a new spark.
Thank you Anna.
Feeling invisible and hopeless *is* a victim mentality. Sometimes our vision is warped and we don’t see things as they actually are. You are not invisible or I wouldn’t have responded and nothing is ever hopeless. You are beautiful, lovable and worthy. ❤
I agree with you that "feeling invisible" isn't the same as being a victim. It is your feeling; you are not blaming anyone for it. You were taught that you didn't count and feel it. It isn't a matter of just waking up one day and saying everyone should see you. That will not work. It takes a lot of work to overcome. Victims don't take responsibility for fixing what happened. You said you are working on yourself. When you break your leg, it will hurt. But you will get a cast then physical therapy. It will hurt. Same with the feeling invisible. It is ludicrous to say hurting (feeling invisible) makes you a victim. Hey, I saw that spark!
Hi friend.
@@cici2562 may I ask your age, please, Ci Ci? Curious where your reply is coming from. I'm not sure whether I agree about the victim mentality idea or not. 🤔
@@sunnyadams5842 thank you, her comment actually was irritating to me...
I guess she was trying to be helpful.
I thought I finally had a 'real' friend. We were discussing my upcoming trip to a semi dodgy area, and she very helpfully mentioned that because I am "a bit frumpy and a bit ugly" I will "be fine". She finished with "No offense". I was stunned and hurt. BUT this woman had to leave her last place because her neighbours slashed her tires, has 2 "arch enemies" (her words) in her current building. After days of beating myself up I finally put together that the time previous when I had seen her she had said something about my boots (nice and how did I get them). In the conversation in question she also mentioned how every man on the beach that day had "come on" to her.
Even figuring out the reasons, it still is disappointing that someone I trusted turned out like this, again.
I took myself into town today and people didn't recoil in horror, so I can't be that bad....
I want her to be my fairy godmother. Binge watching this channel this weekend, it’s so lovely and calming
I’m the same age as Carla and have been a friendship chameleon for most of my life. When I couldn’t fake things anymore, I lost or let go of all my friends. Anger at the world also haunted me in jobs. I made friends really easily but wasn’t good at keeping them. I lost several significant friendships for the reasons you outline in this video, some of which were ended by me and the rest by them. One deep friendship ended because I couldn’t get over the tough love she dished out, and I’m so regretful now. I relate to Carla SO well and feel such sadness for her.
More friendship videos!!!! ❤️❤️❤️
Try 73. This has hit me harder than anything you’ve ever said thank you!❤
Thanks for listening!
-Cara@TeamFairy
🌹
Cant help but feel for Carla, whoever you are and to anyone else be your best friend, 1st Love yourself more than anything, treat yourself, speak to yourself like your speaking to a little cute baby, start with baby steps too and work through your problems. Much Love
You know the fact that I am so very scared to watch your videos means I need to. thank you for what you do.
This sht is really very hard.
My heart goes out to us all ❤️
Awareness is the biggest step. You have this! ❤🎉😊
Yes many people who I recommend this channel can barely watch it. It is hard triggering....
@@rturney6376 thank you xo
@@mariajmc6557 thank you Maria
It's gut wrenching honestly
Such a good point about the "too many rules" pushing friends away. I have a friend who is so high maintenance when our little group meets up that it makes me dread seeing her. I met up with her last year, just the two of us, and it made me realise she has so many of her own boundaries but does not respect the boundaries of others, she did not even treat me with the decency of listening while I was speaking. We've been friends since high school but it made me realise I don't actually enjoy her company anymore, and I have let the friendship fade out. We're still in touch via social media and message now and then, but I think I need to leave it at that to avoid being disappointed.
My problem with forming friendships has been that Ive been drawn to people with trauma but who haven’t dealt with it fully so they ended up having a (misguided, from my perspective) trauma response that made me not trust them because they put me in dangerous situations…. 😅
Authenticity has not been a problem for a long time for me 🤗 but I’d still like to have more friends!
Yes, this is what our membership program does for others. We all have trauma in common but are working towards a solution together :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Ugh this hits home. I’m super “nice” and put up with bad treatment again and again until I burst and all of it comes out at once. That’s one way to lose a friend. But I have also been the too “nice” person who gets ghosted because I’m too accommodating and makes people uncomfortable. I have been on the receiving end of that too, I end up losing interest because they are trying too hard to be “nice” that they are boring.
I relate to the being too "nice" which comes across as boring.
Since I have ADHD (but wasn't diagnosed until my son was) I have always known that I can be "too much". Naturally, when I meet new people, I try to be on my best, most pleasing behaviour.
Very recently I learned that when I'm trying to be normal, what I'm actually doing is being so bland it's more interesting watching paint dry than talking to me. 😬
I have often wondered why I have a hard time making friends straight off. All my friends come from people having been forced to spend quite a bit of time with me, and after that, often they do like me. (So, my friends come from my cousin's friends, or friends of friends, or from a class or club where we met weekly for months)
Now I realize it's because at first they didn't notice me in my "normal human, not at all annoying or loud" disguise. And because I can't hold up the disguise for very long, eventually it disintegrated and the real me popped out, and at that point is where we could actually start getting to know each other.
It's difficult when you are trying to do something pleasing, but actually that's the very thing that blocks relationships.
I used daily practice (not daily) to help me calm my triggers. I did this when a friend misunderstood me when she said I had an attitude with her. I just apologized to her. What I did was wrote my resentments and fears on paper and burned it and then did the 20 min meditation. Instead of getting the urge to yell at her, I just sent her love and respect and was able to come to her from a neutral space.
I'm so happy to hear the Daily Practice helped you address that situation, sometimes it really can make all the difference. -Calista@TeamFairy
I would be burning down whole forests if I did this 😂
@@sabias3932 I hear you sister! 🥂❤️. I so hear you!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy There's also a space for discussing it rationally later with that friend.
Making friends is not only hard for people with cptsd , I think has become harder for everyone! People move around a lot these days, communities are not as strong as they used to be, and families are smaller. While technology has helped mankind in many ways, it can also create isolation. Americans work long hours, and often have odd work schedules, which makes socializing difficult.. Our society seems to place high importance on things, money, status, and so many spend their time chasing after these things. Much has been written lately on the subject of loneliness and lack of friendship....it's a really common problem for so many reasons.
" sometimes we are just tap dancing for approval" that was brilliant 🤣
Wow, dealing with the same thing. I lashed out and lost a friend group of 35 years. They have no idea of my CPTSD. I’m 59 and have no friends in my town or anyone I feel actually would go out of their way to just have lunch
For all of us the lost and displaced souls the crappy childhood fairy 🧚🏻♀️ came and helped us and made it all feel better ❤
Wow, this was right on time. I don't have one friend accept for my poor husband. That being said, he is putting up with my crap. This is so needed right this second. Thank you!
You got this!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you! My husband watched with me. He tries really hard to be there for me when I am sick. He had a crappie childhood too, he doesn’t know how to help, he tries.
This really did break down quite a bit for me. Fairy, I must say that following your videos and continuing my own doctors/therapists has started to actually wake my brain up to be more alert and conscious of my actions, my words, and the friendships are a huge issue for me. So, thank you again and again for taking the time out of your life to educated us on this subject!!! As you know, it has that beautiful stigma!! lol
Just because you admire someone & want to be friends doesn't mean *they* want to be friends with *you*
I heard the “Carla” letter many months ago - and was so deeply touched by her honesty, goodness and struggle - sending her love and warmth and would be so wonderful if we could get an update on Carla, in her Crappy Childhood Program. 😊❤
Yes! That would be great, I hope she sees this and sends an update :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I relate to the Carla letter a lot and wish her well I would love to hear updates... I hope all of us were feeling this way can share honesty support one another lovingly and perhaps find some connections even through here
Deep thinking honest people who want meaningful relationships are experiencing difficulties making and keeping friends now. CPTSD is not the only explanation for this dynamic.
I went around the house today and cleaned it while listening to this whole thing. I cannot say how much better I feel about things. One person that is popping into my mind is my Mom. She is 64 years old. I spent a lot of time in therapy and not knowing where things came from. My mom was very neglectful of me and my sister. We both have sever anxiety issues. I think in some ways my mom was too much in her own trauma to deal with us and that is why she bullied us, neglected us, and we grew up not knowing what a mom could be. We would see how our friends mothers (some of them) would really take care of their daughters. Clean rooms, put food on the table for the kids. It was strange how we didn't want to have people over because our room had old furniture and my mom didn't teach us how to properly take care of things like cleaning our sheets, or getting us training bras, letting us wear clothes that were ill fitting etc. As soon as we were old enough to put a chair up to the sink or washing machine, we were to do the house keeping, we were also expected to cook all the meals by 8!
As a teen my mother was competing with me and my sister like she was a big sister. It was very odd behavior. She even picked a fight with a girl my age in my school and was mean to her because she was the popular girl. My mom worked in the school. This happened in my Jr high years. She was proud that she could make friends with Jr High kids. She was really messed up.
Even as I type this, I just remember thinking all this will change once I can leave the house and this town. It didn't change for me. My anxiety got worse, my depression worse. I couldn't hold jobs because of my anxiety. In and out of community college, a failed marriage. I never really had close friendships. I was "nice", I listened to all their stuff and tend to pick bossy people....then I would just ghost them. Do you know how hard it is to be a "friend" who is just pretending to be a friend so they are not alone? It is exhausting. I thought I was the only one until I found this channel. I was in a dark place the last few days. I have to face the fact that I am an alcoholic and I used it to smooth over the gross feelings. I have done some painful things to myself and other people as a drunk.
I think I had to hear from therapists that I was neglected and ignored because when I heard that, things started to unfold to where I at least knew that it did stem from not getting the coping skills and self soothing skills I needed as an adult. I have survived. At one point alcohol did serve a purpose for me to unlock and get some freedom from all my intrusive overwelmed thoughts, but it was short lived. I am 45 now and I am going to get to 12 steps and do the work. I have had dry drunk experiences because of terrible things I did, but I didn't do any of the work. I was white knuckling it. People are what I need to practice how to have good boundaries and still be able to share my real self.
Listening to you gives me hope. I don't think anything I have done has been a waste of time. Before therapy I just had no reference. I never starved as a kid, they didn't sexually abuse me---I just didn't know the missing parts. Now that I see it I cannot unsee it and I know what I can work on. It is my responsibility to be responsible for my growth. (My dad was a workaholic and had a raging temper, when he was around we made ourselves scarce and did a lot of pretending).
Pretending is what I got really good at, but then I started not being able to control my own frustration and rage. I think my parents were disappointed in their own lives and we were suppose to fix everything so they felt connected. I feel sorry for them too.
I relate to most of what you mentioned, I’m also 45, I smoked tobacco the past 25 years to smooth over the unbearable psychological pain. I learned a lot about how to manage my pain and I still have a long way to go.
Hopefully everything will be ok with you
@@NYCStateofMind7 Thank you! We will be ok. Think of it as strand of beads or perils. One day one bead. It is practice and if we want to change we just need to develop muscle memory. A little each day and be kind to yourself and others.☺️☀️
I also relate to alot of what you said, and I think it was very well written, I appreciate you sharing your story with us.
Financial abuse is a real thing. My kids had holes in their shoes but went to nice schools, but my parents paid for that and my parents paid for their clothes and birthday parties and the dog my ex brought home I had PTSD going into my relationship and young age found out he was narcissistic after the kids were born that’s when things ramped up, after my brother was found dead I wanted another child not just one that was just another trauma in my life. I had already been through two made actually three major traumas before that my problem is, I can vent it to my children. I didn’t drink I didn’t do drugs. I made sure they went to camps. I read him books. I try to keep the house as normal as possible with my parents would always tell me since my ex or husband at the time works for my parents that I need to work harder in the marriage so everybody in our circle thought my ex was wonderful so I thought it was me When I was just seat them to get validation because I had no money money was controlled. I lived on $150 a week that paid for the milk that we needed extra because he bought the groceries and took care of the bills and that took care of the gas to run the kids back-and-forth to school my make up and at the time I smoked cigarettes, which I quit. It was too expensive.. best thing I ever did was quit that and quit trying. I got really sick. A lot of things became evident that he was cheating on me stealing money, hiding money, tearing things like in the house to cause issues hiding things in the house. Very manipulative behaviors. I was with this man for almost off the fuck are you doing in about 30 years total. He remarried some woman in Texas after only known her lesson six months then again that could’ve been a lie because he was dating his brother-in-law’s younger sister, and these people turn your kids away from you and everyone else see you must study the behavior like you’re working on a PhD before you date. Make sure you love yourself and you know how to profile people buy books on it!!!! Learn everything you can protect you and your children later on after your children either one with healthy and toxic looks like a manipulation and gaslighting!!! stop generational abuse!!!!! 🙏🙏
@@Portia620 wow. I have no words. So sorry 😢. I am glad this is here for us to share stories. 1 month sober here.
1 year later:
Carla, I always loved to be surrounded by older people. There is something fascinating about the many many things that I can learn from them, and even if they are going through a hard time, there is a calm and warm energy about them, and that makes things so workable. That's what I imagine you are from the way you wrote, beyond the stress that is mentioned there.
Kudos to you! I hope things are better for you now and you fixed the car or even got a new one! 😊
Being ghosted hurts. It happens frequently to me. I’m 64 and recognize a lot of what Carla said. I have that imbalance of excessively wanting to please others, while interpreting every little terse or unenthusiastic statement from someone as rejection of me.
I’ve been progressing in the last 10 years, but these obstacles persist.
Good advice, CCF!
Honestly struggle to keep good close friends at times. I have some, but its hard. I am just a generally nice person but last time I lost a friend was them scolding me like a child (I'm in my 30's) for laughing too loud. I tried to say that we probably aren't compatible if me being happy makes them upset, but they insisted multiple times that I was somehow at fault for laughing and being happy around them, and I just said I would rather go where my personality can be appreciated, not shut down. Like. Just weird. Who does that. If I'm overwhelmed by someone else's personality just being too much, thats a me problem not something they've personally done WRONG. Realized that well. The only times in my life that I couldn't laugh or smile was when I was being abused, and its why I felt so hurt when he flat out said he preferred me when my personality was small and scared. Nope. Don't need that.
Good for you!
Those of us with CPTSD were taught/forced to make ourselves small to not rock the boat, upset others or not draw attention to ourselves. No more! Now we're living, loving and LAUGHING OUT LOUD to celebrate the work we're doing on ourselves, how far we've come, and how far we're going.
The only thing left out is to vet the people you want to be friends with. I never knew about narcissists and flying monkeys before a work “friend “ group. It was a painful experience however what I have learned from it has been worth it.
I can relate a lot to what Carla was going through. I think a lot of people with similar issues are genuinely good people who were unfortunate enough to not have the opportunities in life to show it.
"When I put it on UA-cam, I found all of you!" I LOVE this. It really shows how we can't rely on the people we know in person, to give us an accurate read on our ideas. Here's a truth I'm taking away from this video: if we rely on people in our lives to help us grow, our growth will be limited. We have to do the internal work, on our own! Thank you for existing and sharing! I LOVE your channel.
What gets me is …..I encourage and build up friends, their self esteem goes up, and they use my words, copy my style, and all of a sudden I’m not good enough to hang out with, it’s weird, everything is happy and fun and then, the relationship turns into a one woman show with me as the captive audience…..Or I get dumped…..it’s really disheartening, I know who I am, I know my kindness, I know my ❤……I don’t get it…..happens to my kids, too…..that really breaks my heart, my kids are such great human beings…..lots of prayers on my end…..love to all of you who go thru the same✨
Woah! This could've been me writing this. It breaks my heart seeing my daughter going through this and I see the other girls taking her identity. I'm currently looking for how to help her.
That was me some time ago I think. R u a people pleaser? If so pray for God to change u so u want to please only Him and not people. He will and u will see who is manipulative from the beginning
Hey Carla, your story resonates and I do hear you. I’m 55 and I come from a very negative family of origin and thus suffer from childhood trauma and all.
The thing is, we are all built to connect. But if some of our past issues compromised our ability to connect, then we need to re-learn those skills, heal and try again. It’s a long process and results can be slow but you know what? They do come!
One of the first, even if most difficult thing, is to learn to love YOURSELF FIRST. Put yourself first.
a) It helps weed out those with bad intentions because your own self-love helps you intuit what doesn’t feel good when someone treats you poorly. This strengthens your own instincts, you gradually learn to trust yourself more
b) It helps you to be more compassionate to yourself and in the process, reduce the need to seek validation from others. As you expand in your self-compassion, your heart is able to be more compassionate to others, to hold space for them, and YET, not compromise on your boundaries
c) It helps you to find your own tribe in time, helps to attract those who see and accept you for who you are, because self-love gives you the freedom to accept yourself and be yourself, in front of others. Those who don’t like you, are simply not for you. We can’t be liked by everyone, it’s impossible
d) It enables you to be who you truly are, Carla, a beautiful human being, on your own self-journey.
You Carla are here, like us, we all have our struggles and like us are watching this channel to seek help to overcome our issues. So you are fine and normal. Keep the faith and move forward my Lovely. Growth and development is in our destiny when we seek it 🙏🏼
I’ve been developing my sense of self and discovering who I am and what I like to do after 25 years of doing what my husband likes to do and being very unhappy half the time. I also have discovered many of my friends are narcissistic and selfish, rarely ask me about myself but I also have hidden myself for years trying to control how others see me
Thank you Crappy Childhood Fairy for all the help, your videos are amazing ❤
My heart is breaking for Carla , I identify strongly with what she wrote in her letter , this life is very hard when you feel this way
My closest friend recently ended our friendship. This is someone who I've always tried to be a good friend to and genuinely cared for. The way she did it was so ... I am trying not to let it bother me and not to take it personally because she's going through her own journey but it's just hard.
Holy moly. I've seen a couple of your videos before but this one and another that popped up in my feed today really hit home.
"You're too much." " You're so intense." I hear that all the time. And recently got an ADHD DX at 61. That combined with Childhood PTSD (which I believe I have) has made life and relationships difficult.
I've been saying for years I think I have CPTSD but related it to things that happened as an adult. Now I think that is related to my dad's mental illness and his hospitalizations when I was 4 and again when I was 8. ECT turned him him into a "zombie". For years, I had nightmares from the evening when he was arrested in our home and I was wrested from his arms.
Over reactions and rejection sensitivity especially since my biggest supporter (my mom) died have been way too frequent.
Thank you. I am fighting to create a "life worth living." Your videos (asking with others and continued therapy) will help a lot.
It is SO excruciatingly painful, embarrassing, and shameful to experience such emotional dysfunction at this stage of life. We didn't know how to process our emotions as children, and now, we don't have the skills to manage past and present ones. Up to now, I've been pretending because I don't want anyone to know what a mess I am inside. I can't even cry anymore as I have blocked the part of me that releases emotion. It hasn't helped for so many years and I believe I have shut them down. Unfortunately, I feel like exploding with repressed emotions. I keep telling myself that I just want to be normal. But I have accepted the idea of fighting myself for the rest of my life. It is both comforting and disheartening to know that so many other 60+ individuals hiding an internal struggle with CPTSD. We should be beginning to enjoy our golden years, right? I love your phrase "start expressing yourself." I'm pulling her off the shelf!
"Obsession is a form of abandonment" Wow. Never thought of this.
Thank you so much for writing this letter Carla, it's been so valuable for me to hear Fairy's response. I'm 58 and most of my work has been with much younger colleagues, with me trying to fit in and find friendship. When I look back at myself in these situations I feel so much compassion for myself, I was trying so hard and I just didn't know what I was doing wrong. I am slowly changing, I now see a couple of old school friends for coffee every month or so, and am meeting another new friend of my own age later today. I'm having to undo a lifetimes habits of hiding my real self from other people and myself! I can see some hope finally. Compassion for myself has been the key thing. You can't be a good friend to anyone if you can't be a good friend to yourself first. Good luck with your brighter future Carla, it's out there for you xxx
Traveling alone is so awesome! I've done it a lot. You meet and connect with more people and you have the option to do what you want without having to constantly compromise.
I love you Anna! I've been desiring to launch my own show for a long time but was too ill. Now that I'm better I'm more ready than ever and have gained so much more wisdom from my amazing journey. Thank you for being inspirational and encouraging. Rock on!
This totally got me, just weeping with a bit of sadness but mostly hope and CCF’s response just hit me in the feels. I’m with you Carla. What a letter and contribution you’ve made. I’m 45 years old, never married, no kids, rarely date etc… and I totally resonate. As CCF said, it’s such a beautiful and holy desire to want authentic connection. You’re not alone ❤️✨
you are young and beautiful. Choose different. Believe what I said. I do.
When I was in my 20-30s, I got hung up when I saw my friends went to parties without asking me. I can get upset but now when I am in my 40s, I just don’t care any more.Sometimes it’s not about you. I think we should make friends not by quantity but quality.
You don’t wanna make friends who are toxic for sure. I learned in a hard way…..so don’t let your friends upset you, if they do, they are not true friends
You hit the nail on the head about how I have struggled with friendships!
I agree with this poor lady! “Fake friends”…..happens all the time to me! However…I am only comfortable being a giver, a healer. I’m very uncomfortable receiving! Yes, I was neglected, actually was told by my mother that she tried to abort me. Plus…(I was a clergyman’s wife) 🙄. Poor Carla I get her.
Ok so what are you going to do about this? Are you going to remain as is doing the same thing you’ve always done that doesn’t work?
@@elsagrace3893 im 76 and not sure I have the energy to change. I hibernate prefer being alone, but know it’s not good for my health
I've had this experience many times. What's worse is when you make a new friend who is close to your own age, and you ARE yourself, and this happens. I met a woman last year when we were both new teachers at a school. We bonded immediately. As the weeks passed we began sharing negative things we had both experienced at the school, which was in truth a pretty horrible place to work. She and I bonded over this, and got really close. Then suddenly she ghosted me. Long story but she ended up completely betraying me and refusing to speak to me and I ended up never seeing her again. I quit my job, again long story, and realized it happened again. Only I was really myself in this friendship. Now I'm walking on eggshells all over the place, and really afraid to say anything at all to anyone. I fear interacting with the few friends I have left, and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me.
@@jehouse61 Women can be so mean and catty to each other. I think after the "bonding" phase that feels great is over, there's this space where some people see the faults in this new friend and get critical. This "all good or all bad" thinking is immature. Add to this the social dynamic of other friends who "mean girl" women behind their back.... Ugh. Men are less complicated.
I was also told I was to be aborted as well so we know rejection from the womb and that was baked into our DNA.
I’m 63. I absolutely relate to this video. Thank you so much for this video Anna. This is so helpful for me. I’m a member CCF. ❤
Good to see you here too Joan :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I check in weekly with my best friend from high school. We live in opposite ends of the country, and had a few years with no contact due to my reckless habits. My dad dying brought us back together. We just gush out mutual support, love, laughter, sharing of dating woes (ugh), and cry when we can’t forget our ex.. anything. My weekly calls with her are a godsend because they remind me that I AM worth keeping as a friend, and I’ve got at least one who reciprocates it back. If you have one, you have the capacity and ability to find others in the future. Your people. It isn’t always your fault on those dark days.
I love this. Keeping in touch with friends who are far away is hard, I find. Glad it's reciprocal. And hoping I can have such a long-term friendship one day.
omg. I am in middle of Just This, and I send. So. Much. Love. For Carla, and me. Bless all of us.
We are sending love back :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Remember in your twenties when you felt insecure and sometimes needy? Then you try to act like you don't feel that way. Then you encounter all kinds of people who behave in all kinds of ways you never would and you were shocked and would not allow yourself to respond in kind back at them. You walk away feeling angry, hurt, and oblivious of what to do and this goes on for years. Then you get up to your fifties to sixties and have experiences of all kinds of abuse, hurt, shock, disappointment. You have been nice, patient, understanding and other people don't reciprocate. Then your reach a precipitous and stop giving a shit about what people think of you and you start telling the truth to the the users, manipulators, mean people. You start holding people accountable and they don't like it or you for saying it. Then you realize that alone is better than fake people who don't give a fuck about you. I have faced with great pain, heartbreak, disappointment sometimes loneliness that I'm not good at superficial. Remember all those people still tolerate what you use to tolerate and you can't change them. My parents had no wisdom to teach me, so I floundered my whole life. Now I do the best I can to be real also speak up and rarely does anyone admire that. Now you don't want to go back to the way you were and either way you go ,there are consequences. I know so many women who stay in relationships for years with no love no respect because their payoff is money, material comfort and terrified to be alone with themselves. All I can say is I live alone and get lonely, scared, needy and at least I have some self respect and dignity and I'm not going back to the way I was.
Been listening to the wise fairy all day. So fortunate to have found this channel. I was not abused or neglected intentionally as a small child, but I had some health challenges that may have traumatized a child who doesn’t understand what’s going on.
I wasn’t even looking for videos on CPTSD, and stumbled upon your channel by accident. I’ve been watching a lot of videos on autism, which ended up bringing me here. But wow I relate to so much on your channel. Can a person have experienced trauma their entire life and not have been fully aware of it? This is definitely something I’m going to continue to explore. A friend recently told me it sounds like I’ve been dealing with emotional abuse from my family, and I never realized it. Also, I feel that I’m almost always in fawn or flight modes. I am a huge people pleaser, and am so afraid of being a bother or a burden. I also run away from situations instead of confronting and dealing with them.
Yes, it is certainly possible to experience trauma and not be fully aware of it. I encourage you to check out this free quiz and see how many of the questions resonate with you: bit.ly/CPTSD-Quiz -Calista@TeamFairy
Carla, sending you love and hugs. Thank you for sending that letter in. It's helping so many of us! I'm learning so much...like maybe joining a group. MeetUp is great for that to find others doing things you love. It's free & anyone can start a group. So if you like gardening, you can start a group to MeetUp & talk about gardening or visit gardens. You just put all your interested in & it shows all the groups in your area that di that...like go to dinner, on a hike, go on adventures. Best wishes andI hope you Let Yourself Feel all the Love you are receiving from all of us right now!
I’ve only got through her reading the letter but I had to stop for a second. My heart is broken for her. That was incredibly painful to hear what she’s going through.
I absolutely love you crappy childhood fairy! You have helped me so very much! Thank you for having the strength and courage to turn your pain into power and using that power to help others! You are absolutely doing what you were sent here to do!
🥰Also, sending Carla huge hugs🤗 and love!💕
Appreciate the encouragement, thank you!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Late to the party as always. Keep up the hard work Carla, and thank you 🧚♀️! I'm going on 50 and recently realized my entire family has CPTSD. This all makes so much sense now. Hoping this is just my first baby step to real progress and that my family joins me in healing when they see me change. My husband caught me stopping a meltdown last week, and it was such an ah ha moment for both of us!
33:45 - 45:50 This example, all the way through your explanation, is so specific to CTPSD and childhood trauma. I don’t think I’ve ever heard it described and portrayed so clearly before. My jaw is on the floor lol
So many gems of wisdom in there. 🙌❤️
“ I’m not enough; I’m too much “. Yes, that. I’m 55. Your peers are out there. Many of us want solid, true friendships. People we can be ourselves with. I’m starting to wonder, if I start being myself, maybe I’ll find “ my people “? Maybe it’s time to want more, stop begging and apologizing. Time becomes more valuable with aging. How, and with whom, do you want to spend it? You sound very much like a person who could be a true and valued friend.
Hi Carla, I tried practicing friendship by playing Second Life online. That was amusing and safe. Having a pet, growing some plants and feeding birds is a nice way to show love to living things too. If you have a passion or hobby you can make online buddies through chat. You sound very loveable. It will be hard for people not to want to get to know you. I love the advice of celebrating yourself. Good luck Carla.
SO helpful, thank you. I'm breaking free of the need to turn to friends to help prop me up emotionally. I'm turning to journaling & prayer.
My heart goes out to Carla, I hear the pain & despair in her letter. I've been there many times. I'm praying for her.
I'm so glad it was helpful. It's great you're working on changing that habit, I know it can be difficult. Thank you for sharing those kind words for Carla :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I learned about a friendship being a triangle. The sides are vulnerability, consistency, & positivity. The positivity is about believing your friend has your best interest. (If a friend doesn't have your best interest such as back-stabbing, then they are not your friend.)
Great way of reflecting on a friendship!
-Cara@TeamFairy
No, "positivity" in a friendship means there are enough aspects or times of enjoyment or mutual support or other "positive" things, that it allows the friendship to sustain itself. This triangle comes from Shasta Nelson, who is a friendship expert. If you practice consistency, positivity, and vulnerability, it really does help your friendships and her books help you see why, and exactly what they are. She has 2 books and a lot of material on youtube. I have learned a lot from her. I recommend the books, because youtube snippets are just not enough of an explanation.
@@carmensandiego4183 Thanks you for the clarification.
This video is soooooooo timely!
Going through something so eerily similar and it hurts like hell.
I set a clear and healthy boundary with my FP who was a potential friend and someone who was behaving like they were interested in developing a friendship with me. They kept saying that we had a "good relationship" but on two occasions made plans and then found ways to back out of them.
The first time it took them 3 days to say why the plan fell through. And it was done very flippant. The 2nd time, which was last week, they used a last-minute situation that seemed like it couldn't be avoided to back out, even though we had made plans and confirmed about 3 wks before.
I didn't want a 3rd and more situations like these to arise so I asked that we not hang out or do anything together outside of our professional interactions. They turned it around on me, said I had a "trauma response" to an unplanned and yet necessary cancellation, removed me from their social media and told me that we will not interact much professionally either. Things have been frosty between us since then. Though I'm very sad that it's like this between us, I'm proud of myself for not teaching this person to treat my feelings cavalier. Don't act with me like you're interested in developing a friendship, get me intvested and excited about you, then find excuses both valid or flimsy, to breadcrumb me.
Wonderful timing as usual, thank you so much for talking about friends! I think a lot of us in this community don't have a family home base to go back to (parents and siblings) so we value friends a lot. I've been struggling with friendships since middle school and keep ending up in the same rut of being the nicest, bestest friend, and then being discarded. So thank you again for speaking about something that not even my therapist fully understood!
Absolutely, friendships are so important. If you're interested, Anna offers a course on creating and maintaining close relationships. Here is the link if you want to check it out: bit.ly/CCF_Connection
-Calista@TeamFairy
Thanks Anna .Always on point.
I think Covid created an epidemic of loneliness.. It's challenging to find genuine available people for friends or to date. It is Important to be discerning to vet new people. Jonathan Aslay has excellent dating relationship advice and resources for women of all ages seeking a healthy partnership.
I dont have any friends, and havent since early childhood. Actually I have no issue not having friends and now consider it a blessing. I have learnt to be independent and resilient without them. Never married, no children either. And as I grew up with two narcisstic parents, and thanks to my mother suffer from emotional incest, I have no contact with any of my family nor my relatives, all who had very dysfunctional families of there own. At this late stage of my life, healing is to late, so I have accepted that this is it for me. :)
@@HonSkrattar don’t put too much hope into the church community, not cynicism but realism.
Emotional incest is evil and very difficult to detect, realize, define and understand and it doesn’t mean that parent treat child with love it just mean that child is a substitute for a spouse ( who can be treated badly) and most importantly a shrink. Basically, they are highjacking child’s identity and replacing with whatever is projected. It’s so freaking difficult to understand and snap out of.
So messed up dynamic
@@SlavicGirl. I didn’t receive any love either both parents being narcissistic. I also has a lot of bullying and bad treatment in primary school and high school, amongst other issues with people. To long to list here. However have also had people who cannot let go of me. My story could fill a 200 page novel.
Same boat. It is what it is.
Carla, we are your friends 💗
I needed this so much right now. I had a breakup yesterday and I'm feeling ill and don't have anyone to talk to. You reminded me I'm on the right track. These are all the things I've been thinking and working towards. I appreciate you 🙏
This channel is improving my trajectory. Thanks to all at CCF!
Thank YOU too, glad you're here.
-Cara@TeamFairy
you bet.
I could so relate to this. Thank you Carla for being brave enough to bare your soul and share your story with us! 💕
Thanks for sharing this :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Good job Carla for having the courage to be open and raw so we could learn from you today
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This was just such a great medley. I don't even have words for how comforting it is to hear someone verbalise so clearly the concepts that you've been ruminating about in solitude for years, thinking that nobody would even understand anyway:) Thank you for all you do and for how you are as a person❤
Dear Carla, unfortunately I am living too far away but I should bei happy to have a friend like you.
Wow, this is my third video on this channel. Phenomenal! Very insightful. I am watching this one again, there is so many gems, im sure i missed one. Thank you so much for making these responses.
Thank you for watching! Glad to hear you found Anna's videos helpful.
Nika@TeamFairy
Ugh, life is hard! I have all of these symptoms and experiences, Carla you are not alone, be strong and things will get better!
Thank you for your encouragement towards the letter-writer!
Nika@TeamFairy
I've been struggling with a friend lately and damn....this really hits home. We should be happy for our friends and give them some forbearance. I feel like I've been backstabbed and that's really hard right now...but you're so right. So hard to want to try and do at the moment.
I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with a friendship right now, we're all sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
My cousin in ME catches up with her old time friends once a year at Christmas and go to a tin spot like swimming pool and restaurant and then shop for their families and they exchange presents. It works for them. I would so love that
This is such a beautiful video. If you want a spouse then say what you want, own who you really are, express yourself.
Thank you! -Calista@TeamFairy
I feel doomed! Going through medical issues, my house is in the middle of a major reform, which is going on for ten years, no family or friends and have this emptiness inside…I feel like everything I try is going to lead me nowhere. It looks like an autoimmune deficiency only that’s emotional…
Not doomed but I know the feeling.
-Cara@TeamFairy
lyme disease. I practice radical gratitude when I get there.
im so glad you mentioned CODA! 12 steps are helpijg me to start to figure out friendship, connections and unconditional love.
people and groups are available at many hours virtually. its the best thing I've experienced in my life.
Thanks for sharing! -Calista@TeamFairy
I feel for Carla. I've got a few life-long friends but others are just this. We thought we'd made friends when we moved, but then I got sick and people would have to just prepare a little to see us to keep me safe and ... *poof* ... gone. They can't be arsed. I'm inconvenient. I'm dying slowly and they don't care about me or my beautiful family. I'm not bothering anymore except for keeping up with those who I moved a long way from years ago because we needed to move and imagined always going back, but now I can't. But I am pissed off. I will not beg. If they were interested they wouldn't just send "thoughts and prayers" ... cos thoughts and prayers are nice, but they do not keep you company. I wish they'd stop pretending. I have. Sorry, went on about me. Carla - HUGE hugs!
I love you. You are a great human being...
Your compassionate wisdom is like an oasis. Thanks so much for continuing to offer these videos. My partner and I are preparing to move and these videos help us prepare for our potential friends and neighbours.