If you're triggered and you know it take a break 👏👏 If you're triggered and you know it take a break 👏👏 If you're triggered and you know it you really dont wanna show it If you're triggered and you know it take a break. I'll see myself out.
I am nearly 60 years old and am just learning what has been wrong with me all of my life. Everything Anna talks about is me, me, me and my life. I don’t know how to do any of this but, God willing, i will learn and learn to be happy for what little i have left.
I'm so glad you found the channel, you're in the right place :) I recommend that you check out Anna's free course 'The Daily Practice' as a first step, here is the link: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Yes, I went on and found the link. I saved it so that what didn’t sink right in, I can listen to again and again, if necessary. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and experience❣️
A little is a lot to begin with Leo, Im glad you saved yourself. Im 51 and left my siblings and parents behind in their delusions at 48. My parents are reaching out now and I can see they recognize me as a new healthier person- finally. Lolz I’ll take it!
I am almost 67. I have a sense of liberation when I hear Anna's hard won wisdom. I understand the sense of "the time left" But more so, a sense of celebration in self recognition and reflection. Give me this for the rest of my days! Best wishes.
I was treated so bad as a child & disrespected until I wasn't sure when ppl treated me bad or disrespectful. I had to learn what was ok with me & not ok with me. Some ppl I hate to say but they pushed me almost to violence. I find it hard to be a feminine woman because some ppl in this world think they can take advantage of us. I hate being mean, but some ppl push the ugly out of me. It's been 15yrs since the police have visited me. I'm proud of that. I thank GOD that I've never spent a night in jail!!!
I really enjoyed my time as a polyamorous person. It was sandwiched between two long-term monogamous unfulfilling relationships. I don’t think I’d be that way now that I’m older and wiser, but there were lessons to be learned from that time in my life: important lessons like “don’t drink alcohol at parties where you don’t know anyone” and “I have a very high pain tolerance “ I’m glad I lived this way for a time, and I don’t really miss it. Serial monogamy is no bueno , especially when I stay for multiple years with the wrong people.
One UA-camr on here said something that resonated with me when I was banging my head against the wall about my Daughter , she said . Of change “ If they Wanted to they would , or if they could they would “ I consider this now and find it very useful
Everyone I call in to connect with me on deeper levels must meet certain standards. In order to enter my space or get my attention these are my requirements...you must be kind, considerate, respectful, trustworthy, supportive and reliable. These are non negotiable. Anything less than this is not acceptable to me.
For me it's been mostly isolation. That is how I dealt with my inability to set boundaries. I am practicing everyday, and extremely grateful for these videos! Thank you. ❤
I’m not sure if this experience fits what you’re talking about today, but I’m going to share it to see if it helps anyone else. (Apologies for the long comment.) I was upset with a couple who lives in my apartment building because they never returned my hello. So, I began ignoring them. Childish, I know, but their behaviour triggered something in me - perhaps it made me feel unseen. Anyway, last weekend, I ran into the young woman at the dog park. She asked me why I’m always so rude, I said she and her husband are the rude ones, and we had a bit of a verbal altercation. I was so upset afterwards, and the more I thought about what she said, I eventually concluded that it was a misunderstanding. I began to see that it really didn’t matter whether they were rude to me or not. It was only my ego that was offended. So, the next time I saw her, I apologized. I didn’t make excuses for why I behaved the way I did: I simply said I was sorry for my rudeness, that I overreacted to a perceived slight (turns out they did say hello, but I didn’t hear them), and that I didn’t handle it well. I said I hoped they could forgive me, she smiled and thanked me, and I walked away. It felt very liberating and likely helped me more than it did her. But it feels so much better to have dispersed the negative energy, and it made me feel quite powerful to have controlled the only part of the interaction that was in MY hands: my reaction and behaviour. It also felt great to right a wrong and apologise for hurting someone. 😊
You thought about it and it could of gone many ways. You did the thing that helps the negative energy and it’s respectful to your neighbours and indeed yourself. Thanks for sharing and having courage 💕
This is why communication is so important...so many people fail at this. Also, this is why it's important not to personalize the behavior of others. Thanks for sharing!!!
I've seen the friendship approach to selling something among Christians a lot-the befriending of people (especially non-believing neighbors) in order to convert them. Even when I was an Evangelical I had a problem with the mindset of only reaching out to people one would otherwise have nothing to do with only to have nothing to do with them again once the "mission" was accomplished or abandoned. I tell those folks now that I do not want to be a project or mission field for them, I would prefer they except me as I am or not except me at all.
I did it. I ended it with a “go-nowhere” relationship. I have been having all the symptoms listed by Denise. (A million questions) As each day passes, I am more convinced I did the right thing. Hindsight is 50/50.
Proud of you. I finally came back to reality and ended my go nowhere relationship as well. Hitting the ground hurts but reality is the best place to be. I hope you are better now!
I am blessed to belong to meeting that meets daily, 7 days a week- 2 blocks away from the church and have friends that will pick up the phone, Thanks Anna for being here!!!!
My difficulty is that some friends stay close to my abuser. I didn’t want to lose the friendships but recently I’ve been chosen second after my abuser for a major event invitation and told it’s because of my PTSD that they’d rather not have me around. So I’ve gone back into isolation away from those people after 13 years of giving them enough rein to do what they want, because I don’t think this is about me controlling them, its more about a narcissist gathering his flying monkeys, about whether these friends are good friends or not good friends and I can’t BE safe being so close to my abuser and I can’t feel safe around people who choose him over me. I don’t think this is the right amount of “friction” for healing, so I’m walking away.
Yeah the thing is that experience isn't entirely... the same as asking other people to mitigate your healing/stability. I feel you here, and cutting them off for keeping abusers around isn't you being dramatic, and they are actually doing something "wrong" by supporting hurtful behavior. Its more about respecting that you can't make them be decent people about it, and finding those that are worth investing in.
It's unfortunate when long standing friends remain impartial and have divided loyalties. Then you realize who's really there for you when you're in crisis and if they're on your side. It becomes the loss of your friends is painful however it's your gain to say goodbye and let them go. They cannot be trusted and aren't truly good friends if they're not there for you when you need their support.
I’m so sorry you are experiencing that. I understand completely. It’s painful that these people don’t understand how the consequences of their choices affect you enough to choose you over the abuser. They do not have the same experience as you do so they don’t see it as a problem for them.
I am proud of you. You were strong enough to say....this is not love. This is not friendship. Keep going! I've been there. It hurts 💔 but what hurts worse is the abuse and pretending it's your fault. May you find the love and friendship you deserve.
Ha! That is funny, funny ridiculous. You being, first, who you are, and second, being real about your belief in and support of monogamy is one of the things that I appreciate about you and your content. Anything other than monagamy, in this day and age, is ultimately hurtful to all and does not ever work out. The fact that you 'say it out loud' and don't dance around or hide the fact of your belief, I respect and appreciate... especially since you are a public person, content creator in (again) this day and age of 'everything is OK' and don't say otherwise or you could get cancelled or unfollowed or barked at by someone behind a flickering screen. You are appreciated for your work and also for being who you are and living by example. Thanks Anna, keep up the needed, great work!
I swear Denise shares my exact experiences! Its always nice to know how others achieved success. Also, I think toxic positivity is one way people try to control others, which leads to gaslighting.
You’re right and Anna I did not even realize that this could’ve been a part of CPTSD. I can remember in my early 20s family asking for rides telling me they were going to give me gas money they would get out of the vehicle and not give me a darn thing, and I was embarrassed to ask them for the money that they had told me they were going to give me to give them a ride. So I didn’t even realize that, all of this has been the majority of the reason why I don’t have a voice, and I have felt voiceless even with my own children for half more than half of my life. If nothing else your videos have shown me that a lot of connection to my childhood is the cause of why I’ve done things in the past.
I also want to let you know that you're a blessing straight from God. I have shared your channel and your daily practice techniques with many friends and now with some of my family.
I'm 50 and I wish I have come across this video earlier that explains majority of who I am . Relief , freedom, knowing the reasons really. I went overseas and simply " dropped off the face of the earth " . I thought it was healing my wounds . Now , that decision is more clear to me . Thank you . May you continue to shed light to us and more people.
Thank you so much for this channel. I just found you and I feel too complicated to put any label on all my trauma but everything I've heard so far on the few videos I've watched resonates in my soul. Thank you so much. I want to be okay.
You are not alone with this. Here is a link to Anna's free Daily Practice Course. It has helped thousands of people with these issues. bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Jack@TeamFairy
6 yrs of intensive CBT in my Ate 20s and 30s and at 57 years of isolation and “working “ on myself …your way of explaining things is like a lock and key in my brain and personality! Thank you for taking the time to post !! We all have to find the message through the right communicator ! I love all your techniques u give and the fact that it is free !!! Yayyyyyyy I’m sending to my 80 year old mom who is remarkably open to things these days so im sending to her in hopes it will resonate with her as well and give her some tools !
I have boundaries that no one else needs to know. If they cross them I disappear from their lives. You only control your response to others. No one cares about your boundaries really. People push to see how far they can push you. Those are the ones to avoid.
Not making your boundaries known, is the same as not having boundaries. If people cross them and you disappear, you didn’t actually uphold a boundary. What you’re doing is avoidance. Cutting people off for a boundary that more than likely had no idea they’ve crossed is childish. Use your words, make your boundaries clear. Give people the chance to self correct and then move accordingly. That’s maturity
Do you mind explaining why and what specific boundaries you're referring to? Pushing boundaries helps define them. I don't know what exactly you have been through or what specific boundaries you cut people off for, because some boundaries aren't to be pushed. But the mindset you presented isn't healthy for any relationship. Especially if you are just disappearing without asking why they would think to push the boundary. I can ask not to be called after 9pm but they may think I need to urgently hear something. They would only thinking of me, it's impossible for them to know if it's acceptable to be or not. They might be terrified at the thought of not calling me at 10pm when a family member is dying. And then I'm not able to talk with them during their final moments. They don't know that if I care about the other person dying, or if I can wait to hear about it the next day.
Ghosting people because they upset you in any way is not the right way to treat people. People need to know your boundaries clearly AND the actions you will take if they cross them. Then it's fair for all parties involved if you leave or develop a consequence because they knew that it would happen since you communicated it. You shouldn't ever use boundaries as weapons and leaving like that can hurt people, even if they are the worst. You can leave in a way that they know you didn't do them wrong.
Yeah this is called not having boundaries. The foremost element of boundaries is communicating them. This isn’t called boundaries. This is just called playing games, & screwing yourself over. You’re expecting people to read your mind. You communicate boundaries first. If they then choose to not respect them, then you respond how you wish. But otherwise you’re just setting people up to prove you ‘right’ that nobody cares.
It sounds like “Ninja Boundaries” are actually boundaries on my OWN behavior and actions. Those boundaries don’t need to be communicated to others, unless they ask why (for example) you left: all you need to say is “I was uncomfortable, and I left to take care of myself.”
This is what I am learning about boundaries, that it is not about asking someone else to do/not do something. I have a right to make a request, but I don't have a right to expect them to go along with it. My boundary is about what "I" am going to do/not do, in response to a behavior of someone else's that I don't like.
Thank you on covering the mlm “friends”. Had one of these end in January. It’s the parent trap. Kids like each other so they befriend for not only the children but an easier target for their “business”. If you aren’t “supporting” them (by buying) and your kids have a fall out… watch out. I’ve decided that when it comes to parents of my child’s friend to keep it low key. If I or they want to develop a friendship there needs to be friend time without kids. Coffee, lunch dates. Otherwise keep it acquaintance level. If talking about work they bring up they sell x or represent x is one thing if they try and sell you, recruit you, offer to “show you the business” that to me is now a red flag, it shows an ulterior motive. I don’t try to recruit people or “show them a business” to build houses, become an accountant etc., Some of them are tricky as they play the long game. But as a result of my experience I have new rules in place.
I would say that instead of having choices when regulated, I'd say when you're regulated you see the choices you have. CPTSD makes us myopic as our feelings are all messed up. I appreciate your videos, they have great value to me. Thank you
Ha! I had the same thing happen to me at a Christmas party. Seven years single the guy I met claimed he was in the same boat seven years estranged and I didn’t notice he had on a ring. It was dark. So we planned a date my first one in seven years and only then I realized he was wearing his wedding ring. When I asked him why he said he guess it was just a habit that she lived eight hours away and they didn’t even talk anymore. So we hung out some over the holidays (where he proceeded to explain he couldn’t get divorced and also didn’t want to talk about why.) He quit wearing his ring but I was so disgusted that he thought he could have intimacy with me while having a secret ulterior life that he refused to discuss. When he saw I wasn’t willing to play his game the criticisms and Silent treatment began and I was over it. But no matter what I said he kept coming back for more until I had to yell him out of here. …bad first experience😜 I think I’ll wait another seven years😜
Honestly, everything you talk about around healthy relationships is exactly what I hear from my polygamous friend when things work. When things don't work it's always issues with communication, expectations, and boundaries. But if you are looking for a monogamous relationship it doesn't make sense to put yourself into anything else.
Other women please help me!! - Does anybody else's lack of boundaries and red flag detectors mean they have a pattern of befriending very jealous, psychologically abusive women?? I've done it again and am wondering if I'm not the only one, because so far I share so many experiences with Anna and this community. There is something about very jealous, nasty women that I keep letting in. Looking back, it's sad and has been written all over their faces blatantly obviously how little they don't care. And after a while they don't even try to hide their passive aggressive/straight up aggressive-ness, jealousy, nasty comments and actions, and even dangerous actions, towards me. That's how poor my boundaries have been over the years. Luckily my boundaries are my willingness to act, and I've just realised I've let another very jealous and nasty woman in as a friend. So I'm acting on my boundaries and walking away. I'm exhausted at 6am in Australia writing this so I apologise if I've done a poor job of it, but I'm really curious who else has experienced the jealousy thing. It's one of the most dangerous feelings another person can have towards you I feel.
Lucy, I can’t say that I’ve experienced the exact same thing you describe. However, when I was much younger, I became close to two different women who became my “going out to the bar” buddies. They were both much more attractive than I was and sucked up most of the male attention in any room we were in. I was pathologically insecure about my appearance, and being around them was really hard. On one occasion, I received some male attention from a man whom my friend had set her sights on (I didn’t know that until later), and she subsequently left me there without a ride so that I had to pay for a cab to get home. I was quite stunned because I assumed she would be happy for me that I was getting some rare attention. I found out later that both friends had deep insecurities of their own despite their looks, but they hid them far better than I could. I don’t really have an answer for you, but I wanted you to know that someone on this thread understands at least a little. I will say that it sounds like the behaviour of your “friends” says far more about them than you, but you likely already know that. I don’t know how to stop attracting women like that as friends because I haven’t had a close girlfriend other than my sister for many years now. But it does sound awful and I feel for you. ❤️
We do tend to have patterns with being attracted to the same types of people, this free course helps sort it all out :) bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice -Cara@TeamFairy
I have experienced it too! Very k my much so. Thanks for sharing your experience. At least it’s good to know we are not alone. I also have felt guilty for smiling through their nasty behaviour and then feeling hurt when it’s too late.
10 Ninja Boundaries: "...to duck out of the way of incoming hurt and not get tangled up in arguments or tension..." 1) "...if you go to see people, own your decision and go only if you actually want to go..." 2) "...think through your plan about how you're going to do this..." 3) "...use your boundaries, but not as weapons..." 4) "...acknowledge to yourself the emotions that this [interaction or event] brings up..." 5) "...limit your time in situations that stress you..." 6) "...avoid unnecessary conflicts, you can do this without anyone knowing..." 7) "...take your mind off what you feel and just think about who in the room might benefit from a kind word..." 8) "...don't talk about controversial things..." 9) "...take care of yourself,...the secret to fending off depression and deregulation...especially...at multi-day event(s)..." 10) "...have a plan b in case things go south..."
My lack of boundaries = I've just realised I've made "friends" with another nasty woman. Does anyone else do this? I tend to have a pattern of befriending very jealous and psychologically abusive women and not realising until they've seriously hurt and or abused me. I think I'm super lucky to have made a good female friend and all I've done is shown a passive aggressive, conniving, manipulative, even dangerous at times person my weaknesses and vulnerabilities, all the while they're absolutely using me and nasty. Looking back and realising how obvious they were about their feelings towards me is the scariest thing, I so obviously let it in.
I have found at telling people about your trauma can easily give them a weapon to use against you! It is hard not to trust people but you shouldn't for a while.
I have done this, and put blinders on so as not to see their faults, and tell myself it’s humorous instead. Like it’s a good thing to have evil private jokes about people and laugh uproariously with eachother. I used to think that my brand of “comedy “ was an insult comic, and wished I could be a comic. But after watching successful insult comics closely, I realized they are putting on an act, and not being truthful about how they view the world and people.
It’s probably because you’ve got no normal healthy boundaries from day 1- because you don’t know what that is. And, you’re idealising people, not showing judgment, waiting to develop the trust & see if they are a healthy person to be around.
It's sad & unfair that anyone can be so manipulative & nasty to others, especially those who have done nothing except be a friend. Be careful who you trust. Act confident whether or not you are on the inside. You can be authentic & kind without revealing too much. Ask questions, give compliments, or chat about current topics on an easy surface level. Figure out how to change the subject or turn the question back to them if asked something uncomfortable or too personal. "I haven't made up my mind yet..." or "I'm not sure, what do you think...?" You can say things with a smile to keep it friendly until you reach a level of mutual trust & respect. If something feels suss, trust your instinct.❤
I did this and feel this too. Even with my sister. She was aligned with a lawfirm that is extorting me. I am ashamed/scared I did not accept reality. (or even know)
My son lives in another country and EVERY TIME my husband (his father) and I go over, first it was for the wedding then the birth of a grandchild, then the divorce, then to meet the new wife, we go to give support but I feel terrible about the way my son treats and talks to me, he reminds me of my narcissistic mother. We've decided not to go there ever again but we do video call with the grandkids. I feel triggered even during these calls so I now stay only for as long as I feel comfortable and my husband calls me when it's time to say good bye. It's strange but it works. Thanks Anna
I like that Denise's friends told her the truth! It seems like she tried to override her own instincts towards the right thing, but her friends shut that down. That married man has cheated on his wife before. That's why he was so patient and testing her boundaries. He's heard it all before. The fact she didn't read his last two text is outstanding. I would've messed up on that part. Just out of nosiness I would have had to read them 😂.
Idk why I start seeing this things after resolving all my trauma mess. Why I start seeing videos like yours, know about cptsd and all kinds of solutions when I already lived and thank God got out, and maybe still fighting against all.kinds of emotions. Why I did not see you before?
Wow!! This was really fun!! I wasn't expecting this as a positive video. It's a happy, upbeat, report about progress and that's really really nice to get sometimes. Thank you, FAIRY. Good Job, Denise ..
This is one of the craziest things. I love someone whose boundary is to rely on destroying trust. ie lying to deceive. Not in a malevolent way, but the only way to accept the boundary of false reality
Thank you so much, Anna, for sharing your wisdom, experience, strength, and hope. I started the Daily Practice recently and it is really helping me. You are helping so many people. Thank you!
Worked for me to tell my love interest that he could drink all he wanted, just could not come near me while under the influence. He has not had alcohol since, years now. He similarly got me to wake one morning and decide I was no longer a smoker.
I view so much with Aimee, i too am an American living in Latin America and it's hurtful to be seen as a dollar sign. People become entitled and it's indeed quite isolating. It's gotten to the point where i show people through both words and action that I'm poor, which despite making 100k a year (my trauma, more like my trauma driven decisions and "mild" addictions keep me living paycheck to paycheck) often results in this being true a few times per month. I'm actually kind of lonely and need to meet people, it's just so tough.
I am so blessed to have found your channel. I identify much and therefore it witnesses to my self what it is that I am going thru and why my behavior is in this way. Now I am able to understand and move into healing.
I am so proud of Denise. Actually, it's good that he wears a wedding ring. Otherwise, she might never have known that he is married. Personally, I don't believe in seeing someone who is separated either. In my book, a person is either married or single, divorced etc. Separated is still married.
I am speechless , most Anna s videos have got something for me, but this one really hit lots of nails in the head. I think I should watch it multiple times.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you - i try haha! This one isn't angry yet so I have hope me setting boundaries will make him stop before he starts the stalking!
@@Yenya787 Sometimes, many times, you cannot realise what someone is like until you get to know them...as someone who was accustomed to absolute hell from family, it was hard to discern until it is right in front of you. If you had a crappy enough family situation, it does acclimatize a person toa certain level of misbehaviour as usual. Life is just not as simple as some make out.
Often stalkers are people who have never been partners or even dates in the past. They can just be someone you once said no to, or they can just like the look of you.
Loving all this helpful insight! Thank you, Anna! When you’re triggered and you know it take a pause… When you’re triggered and you know it take a pause… When you’re triggered and you know it And you don’t wanna blow it… When you’re triggered and you know it take a pause…
Regarding c. the 48 minute mark, about how it sounds to confront people... my partner (now) is trained to assess torture and abuse in prisons (war prisoners and high-profile political prisoners, working for ICRC) and it was she who opened my head to the abuse I was living in total denial about. All she said was 'are you okay with the way he talks to you?' I had LITERALLY not heard his tone of voice (100% contempt) for more than 25 years. Looking back, red flags all over the place within 3 weeks of meeting him, and decades of controlling, manipulating, gaslighting, lies, broken promises, violence, rage and zero respect...and until she said that sentence, I was utterly oblivious, completely convinced I was 'happily married' --I said it all the time. I really believed it. I couldn't explain the middle-of-the-night sobbing, the 'arguing with no one' (shouting) in the car, or alone in the house, the days or weeks of numbness, the relief when he went to sea (he was in the navy) and the anxiety when he came home... but that was all 'something else,' right? RIGHT?! Ugh. Still picking this apart, 8 years post-divorce. But what I wanted to highlight is how it's possible to help someone think about what's happening, and get past defenses, with neutral, observational questions that don't accuse anyone about anything... like 'are you okay with the way he talks to you?'
Omg I just had that same scenario with a married man trying to pull me into third-party situation I said no once he came back, I had to say no again went through all the physiological changes this woman has gone through
I hear you, Anna. I like structure and I also feel like anything at work or home that’s in disarray or haphazardly done is thrown at me. Yes, I can tackle it but at the same time I need it to be structured in a way that makes sense to my brain.
what an amazing letter.. this hit right in my heart.. I thought she was reading a letter about my life. same exact childhood had alot of stepmoms somre nice but some very wicked once that at times when my dad was away on military traing would not let my brother Matt and my sister Rachel.. and myself eat and lock usbin our rooms.. I became a runaway at the age of 15 and as a runaway I worked at burger king... wow scary how fuck our live were.. love the letter denise keep your head up..❤❤❤❤
I know I have cptsd. Took quiz and all but 2 were checked. Didnt see a number like if you have 5 of these it’s cptsd and thought that might help ppl that dont have as many as me I started setting boundaries in 2017/2018. At first loved ones didn’t like it even though I didn’t explicitly say I was setting boundaries. My therapist warned me that might happen. Over consistency and time it’s not an issue thankfully
Hi Anna.I really appreciate you. I'm learning the daily Practice. You story is very inspiring and just what I need right now on my healing journey. I've been journaling for the past6 months and it does help with so many things. I was able to get thru a recent trigger set up a healthy boundary and to look at the person and situation in a realistic manner. I have in the past been my own worst critic. I don't have an issue with taking responsability for my part in a situation but I'm learning not to be so harsh with myself. I even say to myself now that I'm proud of something that i did even if its a small step towards giving myself self care. I used to be a people pleaser.I'm learning to validate myself. I'm also making myself a priority instead of putting everyone elses needs first. Now I put myself first. I'm saying no and seeing positive results from someone who used to take advantage who is no longer doing that. I'm taking my power back and learning not to give it away. Sometimes its better not to say anything when being attacked verbally. I don't take things so personally anymore when someone else projects their stuff onto me becuase its their stuff not mine to own and over react to. Being aware is a game changer and then having the right tools and daily practice is the way to make real positive changes.
Ok i see what she means now 54:22 really hits it on the nail. At some point CPTSD suffers will start to get controlling to the point we will push love ones away.
Lovely Anna. You know Anna the phrase "the wind is in your sails now": when I ride my bicycle going to Juma'a Prayers for example I first notice the flags on top of the buildings and if I have a tailwind I say O.K. we have support from the wind, and I enjoy the ride, thinking when it is time to return we "Me and my Bicycle" will have an upwind. Anyway riding is good in many ways. You; Denyse are a bright student and you have taught others that learning helps. I wish you get married soon.
Anna Runkle - I am thrilled to see what looks like the trappings of your success. You look wonderful and I was happy to see your collab with Patrick (?name). The support you both seemed to glean from knowing each other was touching to me, and is a testament to how our kindness and empathy for others with CPTSD can benefit us all. I can’t imagine the amount of time and effort you’ve put in to keeping this channel going, and doing it in the face of disregulation is inspiring and proves you’re truly powerful and committed to having us heal. I’m so thankful to you for having the courage and fortitude to go against conventional wisdom and hold true to your vision, because it was the first time anyone had described and explained the symptoms I’d been trying to eradicate from my life for years, and was mystified to find it impervious to logical thinking and an honest desire to accomplish real change. I’d like for you to consider exploring the topic of reparenting, and the importance of not judging and showing empathy for others with this illness. I believe this to be true bc before you, only 2 things had impact that changed me, and that was when two people did very simple things and showed me kindness I’d never experienced at home. One was a therapist who demonstrated behaviors that a mother might do - e.g. the guard at her building was away from his desk, so I had to wait downstairs until he returned. I called up and told her I was waiting. She came downstairs and waited with me in the lobby. That moved me to tears. It wasn’t talking about the trauma - it was her out of the box emulation that allowed me to integrate my personality and I no longer have to worry about what “you” need me to be. The other was very simply, that I’d had low-key anger that was leaking through even when I didn’t feel mad. A friend allowed me to read to her things I’d written that my mom had done. She had me look at her and visualize my stepmom, and then she apologized sincerely for everything. I needed 3 apologies, but after that, the anger was gone and I’m having better, closer relationships and interactions than I’ve ever had. I’m sharing this in the hopes it will help others and I don’t believe I’ve seen this topic in your videos. God bless you and thank you, truly. Your fan, Colleen
Dear Colleen, your experience truly resonated for me today. The part about feeling cared for especially touched my heart. i can appreciate your emotion when your therapist come into the lobby and waited with you, when your friend heard your list of grievances and then responded authentically to your anguish from maltreatment when you were young communicated care. This is so powerful for me right now. Being shunned and shamed as a child because you dare speak up and try to advocate for yourself, point out something that is hurting you, or express your basic needs, is terrible. I'm struggling today. Your post gives me hope. 💙
@@bookbeing My dear, I hear you and I know you have what it takes to pull through it because you have the courage to express what you're going through and the smarts to look here on this channel for guidance. My best wishes and blessings are with you. May you find peace, and remember all of the wonderful things you are.
I think of boundaries as what my response will be or is in the face of another’s behaviors. I cannot tell them what they must or must not do other than to describe my emotions about a behavior which I feel personally affects my well-being. My only control is to, as you stated, take the appropriate action to care for my well-being. This is simplistic at best because there is so much more to developing insight I than can be written in a short posting but it does help me to know that I have the responsibility for managing my behaviors but have no right nor any real power to manage other people, places and situations to meet my personal needs or expectations of what ‘should be’. Discernment isn’t ‘judging another’ but can just be prudence or discernment.
I like how you described boundaries! This is my current understanding of personal boundaries. For many years I thought that a boundary was "telling someone what I expect from them", and hoping they went along with it! . Now I know that with boundaries, I am in control of my own actions and behaviors, regardless of what others may do/not do.
I just think all people are toxic. There is no cure. You can be perfect, amazing and wonderful....BUT...people PREFER toxicity and negativity...it just IS
Inner work is everything, if you change, the outer world changes for you. Trying to control or manipulate on the other hand , is useless effort and does not do it.
But upon entering AA we soon take quite another view of this absolute humiliation. We perceive that only through utter defeat are we able to take our first steps toward liberation and strength. Our admissions of personal powerlessness finally turn out to be firm bedrock upon which happy and purposeful lives may be built. - Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, (Step One) p. 21 read this today rather freeing 😁
If you ask and they do the opposite double down that’s narcissistic abuse. Setting boundaries is the best test. Abusers will violate immediately. Run fast.
I have been told by my friend that we are friends. She has also been through some of what I have. Friday we had dinner. She kept telling me how I should live and what I should do. This has happend before. She knows I dont want that. 4 times said no dont want to talk to your husband about by my drama. She kept asking and asking why. No was not enough. Went home and next day totally disregulated. Sunday I told her that I have had enough. She does not respect my boundries. Broke off all contact. I have not felt safe in the friendship. I am also allowed to decide if I want to be friends. Its not on her to tell me when and where to be friends.
"Someone" and "family" are in my opinion two different things. I absolutely agree that someone can choose to respect one's boundaries or not. However, it's my opinion that a family member should love and care enough to respect one's boundaries as boundaries are there to protect an individual not to block others. It shouldn't be seen as a negative to the one who cares and loves.. such as a family member. I will say that we should try to be what we'd like to see in others. Lastly, introspection is necessary for all as good measure! However, I think it's important to note that it's not always an internal issue.. some people are determined to misunderstand. External factors are real, some people are just unkind. These things can be heard in the letters shared in these videos. Thanks for sharing 🙏
Choose Very Carefully, WHO IS GOING TO INFLUENCE YOU. That is the Billion Dollar Choice to Make for All of Us. All of us in the World now, with or without cptsd.
I used to work with someone who was vigilant about making everyone honor her boundaries, to the point of threatening lawsuits. Management was afraid of her because she was so litigious. She was a super controller. So glad I've moved past that. ✌️✌️
After hearing you mention your husband’s shoes I realised I have a similar issue with my hubby. Except I would continue to annoy him about it out of my own frustration. Then I would make it into a bigger issue such as he doesn’t really care about me
19:55 Absolutely. I was married and able to remain on my ex's insurance as long as we were married, and I lived in another STATE. This was only until I was able to save up for the divorce, but still. He does NOT have to live with his wife for her to use his insurance. He does NOT have to wear a wedding band in order for her to have insurance. I know several couples who are madly in love who sleep in separate bedrooms. That is not an indication that he is free to be with another woman. Have you SEEN his house and his "separate" bedroom? I have been in situations before where the man insists that they're separated, they live separate lives, etc., etc., etc. I have asked if it's okay if I speak to his wife about this and make sure it's okay with her and of course, it never is. Because he's lying. 50:00 Never put anyone on your credit card. Never! Been there, done that and it NEVER works out. The person has almost maxed out your card which shows that they cannot be trusted with this. 1:08:00 I don't like that either, when someone wants to be my "friend" only to try to sell me things.
If you're triggered and you know it take a break 👏👏
If you're triggered and you know it take a break 👏👏
If you're triggered and you know it you really dont wanna show it
If you're triggered and you know it take a break.
I'll see myself out.
I like this a lot, thanx 🙏 ❣️
✌️
😂😂😂
honestly im gonna sing this in my head when im triggered now 😂 i think the humor will help me find some space to step back
Love it!!!! 😂😂
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Stop, drop, and roll that pen across the paper!!😸
I am nearly 60 years old and am just learning what has been wrong with me all of my life. Everything Anna talks about is me, me, me and my life. I don’t know how to do any of this but, God willing, i will learn and learn to be happy for what little i have left.
I'm so glad you found the channel, you're in the right place :) I recommend that you check out Anna's free course 'The Daily Practice' as a first step, here is the link: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Yes, I went on and found the link. I saved it so that what didn’t sink right in, I can listen to again and again, if necessary. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and experience❣️
A little is a lot to begin with Leo, Im glad you saved yourself.
Im 51 and left my siblings and parents behind in their delusions at 48. My parents are reaching out now and I can see they recognize me as a new healthier person- finally. Lolz I’ll take it!
I am almost 67. I have a sense of liberation when I hear Anna's hard won wisdom. I understand the sense of "the time left" But more so, a sense of celebration in self recognition and reflection. Give me this for the rest of my days! Best wishes.
Me too
I was treated so bad as a child & disrespected until I wasn't sure when ppl treated me bad or disrespectful. I had to learn what was ok with me & not ok with me. Some ppl I hate to say but they pushed me almost to violence. I find it hard to be a feminine woman because some ppl in this world think they can take advantage of us. I hate being mean, but some ppl push the ugly out of me. It's been 15yrs since the police have visited me. I'm proud of that. I thank GOD that I've never spent a night in jail!!!
I never realised that isolating was a lack of boundaries move. Wow. Explains so much 😢❤
She sheds so much light on the unseen. Beacon of light!
Ditto
Hugs ❤ we’re in this together
Poly is very disappointing and damaging to those of us with PTSD. I’m on the monogamy train! ❤️
I really enjoyed my time as a polyamorous person. It was sandwiched between two long-term monogamous unfulfilling relationships. I don’t think I’d be that way now that I’m older and wiser, but there were lessons to be learned from that time in my life: important lessons like “don’t drink alcohol at parties where you don’t know anyone” and
“I have a very high pain tolerance “
I’m glad I lived this way for a time, and I don’t really miss it.
Serial monogamy is no bueno , especially when I stay for multiple years with the wrong people.
Me as well
One UA-camr on here said something that resonated with me when I was banging my head against the wall about my Daughter , she said . Of change “ If they Wanted to they would , or if they could they would “ I consider this now and find it very useful
Everyone I call in to connect with me on deeper levels must meet certain standards. In order to enter my space or get my attention these are my requirements...you must be kind, considerate, respectful, trustworthy, supportive and reliable. These are non negotiable. Anything less than this is not acceptable to me.
Have u found people like that? I m on the search for those too
@@stefaniakonstantinidou981 Maybe we should organize a search party :)
For me it's been mostly isolation. That is how I dealt with my inability to set boundaries. I am practicing everyday, and extremely grateful for these videos! Thank you. ❤
I’m not sure if this experience fits what you’re talking about today, but I’m going to share it to see if it helps anyone else. (Apologies for the long comment.)
I was upset with a couple who lives in my apartment building because they never returned my hello. So, I began ignoring them. Childish, I know, but their behaviour triggered something in me - perhaps it made me feel unseen. Anyway, last weekend, I ran into the young woman at the dog park. She asked me why I’m always so rude, I said she and her husband are the rude ones, and we had a bit of a verbal altercation. I was so upset afterwards, and the more I thought about what she said, I eventually concluded that it was a misunderstanding. I began to see that it really didn’t matter whether they were rude to me or not. It was only my ego that was offended.
So, the next time I saw her, I apologized. I didn’t make excuses for why I behaved the way I did: I simply said I was sorry for my rudeness, that I overreacted to a perceived slight (turns out they did say hello, but I didn’t hear them), and that I didn’t handle it well. I said I hoped they could forgive me, she smiled and thanked me, and I walked away.
It felt very liberating and likely helped me more than it did her. But it feels so much better to have dispersed the negative energy, and it made me feel quite powerful to have controlled the only part of the interaction that was in MY hands: my reaction and behaviour. It also felt great to right a wrong and apologise for hurting someone. 😊
Thank you for sharing this!!
@@Dani-ec4rj You’re very welcome, Dani! I know it’s a long comment, so I appreciate you reading it.
You thought about it and it could of gone many ways. You did the thing that helps the negative energy and it’s respectful to your neighbours and indeed yourself. Thanks for sharing and having courage 💕
@@Emscom Thank you, Emma. ☺️
This is why communication is so important...so many people fail at this.
Also, this is why it's important not to personalize the behavior of others.
Thanks for sharing!!!
I've seen the friendship approach to selling something among Christians a lot-the befriending of people (especially non-believing neighbors) in order to convert them. Even when I was an Evangelical I had a problem with the mindset of only reaching out to people one would otherwise have nothing to do with only to have nothing to do with them again once the "mission" was accomplished or abandoned. I tell those folks now that I do not want to be a project or mission field for them, I would prefer they except me as I am or not except me at all.
Takes strength 🤗 I’m happy to hear you do this for yourself
I did it. I ended it with a “go-nowhere” relationship. I have been having all the symptoms listed by Denise. (A million questions) As each day passes, I am more convinced I did the right thing. Hindsight is 50/50.
awesome
Proud of you. I finally came back to reality and ended my go nowhere relationship as well. Hitting the ground hurts but reality is the best place to be. I hope you are better now!
I am blessed to belong to meeting that meets daily, 7 days a week- 2 blocks away from the church and have friends that will pick up the phone,
Thanks Anna for being here!!!!
Healing can occur through connection with no agenda.
If you can find it. Shiiiieeeet. 😅
My difficulty is that some friends stay close to my abuser. I didn’t want to lose the friendships but recently I’ve been chosen second after my abuser for a major event invitation and told it’s because of my PTSD that they’d rather not have me around. So I’ve gone back into isolation away from those people after 13 years of giving them enough rein to do what they want, because I don’t think this is about me controlling them, its more about a narcissist gathering his flying monkeys, about whether these friends are good friends or not good friends and I can’t BE safe being so close to my abuser and I can’t feel safe around people who choose him over me. I don’t think this is the right amount of “friction” for healing, so I’m walking away.
Yes, walk away and meet more people. You deserve friends who don't choose an abuser over you.
Yeah the thing is that experience isn't entirely... the same as asking other people to mitigate your healing/stability. I feel you here, and cutting them off for keeping abusers around isn't you being dramatic, and they are actually doing something "wrong" by supporting hurtful behavior. Its more about respecting that you can't make them be decent people about it, and finding those that are worth investing in.
It's unfortunate when long standing friends remain impartial and have divided loyalties. Then you realize who's really there for you when you're in crisis and if they're on your side. It becomes the loss of your friends is painful however it's your gain to say goodbye and let them go. They cannot be trusted and aren't truly good friends if they're not there for you when you need their support.
I’m so sorry you are experiencing that. I understand completely. It’s painful that these people don’t understand how the consequences of their choices affect you enough to choose you over the abuser.
They do not have the same experience as you do so they don’t see it as a problem for them.
I am proud of you. You were strong enough to say....this is not love. This is not friendship. Keep going! I've been there. It hurts 💔 but what hurts worse is the abuse and pretending it's your fault. May you find the love and friendship you deserve.
Ha! That is funny, funny ridiculous. You being, first, who you are, and second, being real about your belief in and support of monogamy is one of the things that I appreciate about you and your content. Anything other than monagamy, in this day and age, is ultimately hurtful to all and does not ever work out. The fact that you 'say it out loud' and don't dance around or hide the fact of your belief, I respect and appreciate... especially since you are a public person, content creator in (again) this day and age of 'everything is OK' and don't say otherwise or you could get cancelled or unfollowed or barked at by someone behind a flickering screen. You are appreciated for your work and also for being who you are and living by example.
Thanks Anna, keep up the needed, great work!
Thanks!
Th
Thank you!
Practical Applications to problems! Awesome Channel!
I swear Denise shares my exact experiences! Its always nice to know how others achieved success. Also, I think toxic positivity is one way people try to control others, which leads to gaslighting.
You’re right and Anna I did not even realize that this could’ve been a part of CPTSD. I can remember in my early 20s family asking for rides telling me they were going to give me gas money they would get out of the vehicle and not give me a darn thing, and I was embarrassed to ask them for the money that they had told me they were going to give me to give them a ride. So I didn’t even realize that, all of this has been the majority of the reason why I don’t have a voice, and I have felt voiceless even with my own children for half more than half of my life. If nothing else your videos have shown me that a lot of connection to my childhood is the cause of why I’ve done things in the past.
I also want to let you know that you're a blessing straight from God. I have shared your channel and your daily practice techniques with many friends and now with some of my family.
I'm 50 and I wish I have come across this video earlier that explains majority of who I am . Relief , freedom, knowing the reasons really. I went overseas and simply " dropped off the face of the earth " . I thought it was healing my wounds . Now , that decision is more clear to me . Thank you . May you continue to shed light to us and more people.
Glad the video was helpful for you! Good luck on your healing journey!
Nika@TeamFairy
Same! 😂
Side note- THAT is a good color combo for you. You look great!
Thank you so much for this channel. I just found you and I feel too complicated to put any label on all my trauma but everything I've heard so far on the few videos I've watched resonates in my soul. Thank you so much. I want to be okay.
You are not alone with this. Here is a link to Anna's free Daily Practice Course. It has helped thousands of people with these issues. bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Jack@TeamFairy
6 yrs of intensive CBT in my
Ate 20s and 30s and at 57 years of isolation and “working “ on myself …your way of explaining things is like a lock and key in my brain and personality! Thank you for taking the time to post !! We all have to find the message through the right communicator ! I love all your techniques u give and the fact that it is free !!! Yayyyyyyy I’m sending to my 80 year old mom who is remarkably open to things these days so im sending to her in hopes it will resonate with her as well and give her some tools !
I have boundaries that no one else needs to know. If they cross them I disappear from their lives. You only control your response to others. No one cares about your boundaries really. People push to see how far they can push you. Those are the ones to avoid.
Not making your boundaries known, is the same as not having boundaries. If people cross them and you disappear, you didn’t actually uphold a boundary. What you’re doing is avoidance. Cutting people off for a boundary that more than likely had no idea they’ve crossed is childish. Use your words, make your boundaries clear. Give people the chance to self correct and then move accordingly. That’s maturity
Do you mind explaining why and what specific boundaries you're referring to?
Pushing boundaries helps define them. I don't know what exactly you have been through or what specific boundaries you cut people off for, because some boundaries aren't to be pushed. But the mindset you presented isn't healthy for any relationship. Especially if you are just disappearing without asking why they would think to push the boundary.
I can ask not to be called after 9pm but they may think I need to urgently hear something. They would only thinking of me, it's impossible for them to know if it's acceptable to be or not. They might be terrified at the thought of not calling me at 10pm when a family member is dying. And then I'm not able to talk with them during their final moments. They don't know that if I care about the other person dying, or if I can wait to hear about it the next day.
Glad someone else is experiencing this as I am. If they disrespect me or my boundaries? I’m Out!
Ghosting people because they upset you in any way is not the right way to treat people. People need to know your boundaries clearly AND the actions you will take if they cross them. Then it's fair for all parties involved if you leave or develop a consequence because they knew that it would happen since you communicated it. You shouldn't ever use boundaries as weapons and leaving like that can hurt people, even if they are the worst. You can leave in a way that they know you didn't do them wrong.
Yeah this is called not having boundaries. The foremost element of boundaries is communicating them. This isn’t called boundaries. This is just called playing games, & screwing yourself over. You’re expecting people to read your mind. You communicate boundaries first. If they then choose to not respect them, then you respond how you wish. But otherwise you’re just setting people up to prove you ‘right’ that nobody cares.
This video was extremely informative around boundaries, instincts around potential friendships, dating, etc. Thank you
It sounds like “Ninja Boundaries” are actually boundaries on my OWN behavior and actions. Those boundaries don’t need to be communicated to others, unless they ask why (for example) you left: all you need to say is “I was uncomfortable, and I left to take care of myself.”
This is what I am learning about boundaries, that it is not about asking someone else to do/not do something. I have a right to make a request, but I don't have a right to expect them to go along with it. My boundary is about what "I" am going to do/not do, in response to a behavior of someone else's that I don't like.
You can't be friends with every single person you meet .. That's just how life works...
thanks for saying it !
I love when she gives tough love!!
Thank you on covering the mlm “friends”. Had one of these end in January.
It’s the parent trap. Kids like each other so they befriend for not only the children but an easier target for their “business”. If you aren’t “supporting” them (by buying) and your kids have a fall out… watch out.
I’ve decided that when it comes to parents of my child’s friend to keep it low key. If I or they want to develop a friendship there needs to be friend time without kids. Coffee, lunch dates. Otherwise keep it acquaintance level.
If talking about work they bring up they sell x or represent x is one thing if they try and sell you, recruit you, offer to “show you the business” that to me is now a red flag, it shows an ulterior motive. I don’t try to recruit people or “show them a business” to build houses, become an accountant etc.,
Some of them are tricky as they play the long game. But as a result of my experience I have new rules in place.
This is off topic but I love your hair and glasses. You look great! 😊
I would say that instead of having choices when regulated, I'd say when you're regulated you see the choices you have. CPTSD makes us myopic as our feelings are all messed up. I appreciate your videos, they have great value to me. Thank you
When I heard whistling I would be fearful because it reminded me of my abusive dad
I expected people to stop whistling
Thankyou Anna now I understand
"and any of you in our beautiful community of tender hearts who are healing and rising up to be ready to love and be loved..." 🙋♀️🖐😊🥰
Ha! I had the same thing happen to me at a Christmas party. Seven years single the guy I met claimed he was in the same boat seven years estranged and I didn’t notice he had on a ring. It was dark. So we planned a date my first one in seven years and only then I realized he was wearing his wedding ring. When I asked him why he said he guess it was just a habit that she lived eight hours away and they didn’t even talk anymore. So we hung out some over the holidays (where he proceeded to explain he couldn’t get divorced and also didn’t want to talk about why.) He quit wearing his ring but I was so disgusted that he thought he could have intimacy with me while having a secret ulterior life that he refused to discuss. When he saw I wasn’t willing to play his game the criticisms and Silent treatment began and I was over it. But no matter what I said he kept coming back for more until I had to yell him out of here. …bad first experience😜 I think I’ll wait another seven years😜
Find these videos incredibly insightful and helpful, and presented so straightforwardly and compassionately. Thank you!
Thank you for watching. We are glad to have you here. Jack@TeamFairy
Some people you have to let go, bondries & self worth are the most important to in my healing
Honestly, everything you talk about around healthy relationships is exactly what I hear from my polygamous friend when things work. When things don't work it's always issues with communication, expectations, and boundaries. But if you are looking for a monogamous relationship it doesn't make sense to put yourself into anything else.
Other women please help me!! - Does anybody else's lack of boundaries and red flag detectors mean they have a pattern of befriending very jealous, psychologically abusive women?? I've done it again and am wondering if I'm not the only one, because so far I share so many experiences with Anna and this community. There is something about very jealous, nasty women that I keep letting in. Looking back, it's sad and has been written all over their faces blatantly obviously how little they don't care. And after a while they don't even try to hide their passive aggressive/straight up aggressive-ness, jealousy, nasty comments and actions, and even dangerous actions, towards me. That's how poor my boundaries have been over the years.
Luckily my boundaries are my willingness to act, and I've just realised I've let another very jealous and nasty woman in as a friend. So I'm acting on my boundaries and walking away. I'm exhausted at 6am in Australia writing this so I apologise if I've done a poor job of it, but I'm really curious who else has experienced the jealousy thing. It's one of the most dangerous feelings another person can have towards you I feel.
Lucy, I can’t say that I’ve experienced the exact same thing you describe. However, when I was much younger, I became close to two different women who became my “going out to the bar” buddies. They were both much more attractive than I was and sucked up most of the male attention in any room we were in. I was pathologically insecure about my appearance, and being around them was really hard. On one occasion, I received some male attention from a man whom my friend had set her sights on (I didn’t know that until later), and she subsequently left me there without a ride so that I had to pay for a cab to get home. I was quite stunned because I assumed she would be happy for me that I was getting some rare attention. I found out later that both friends had deep insecurities of their own despite their looks, but they hid them far better than I could. I don’t really have an answer for you, but I wanted you to know that someone on this thread understands at least a little. I will say that it sounds like the behaviour of your “friends” says far more about them than you, but you likely already know that. I don’t know how to stop attracting women like that as friends because I haven’t had a close girlfriend other than my sister for many years now. But it does sound awful and I feel for you. ❤️
We do tend to have patterns with being attracted to the same types of people, this free course helps sort it all out :) bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yes! Word for word!!
I have experienced it too! Very k my much so. Thanks for sharing your experience. At least it’s good to know we are not alone.
I also have felt guilty for smiling through their nasty behaviour and then feeling hurt when it’s too late.
Maybe you end up with people like that because you had a parent or family member like that. That’s what you feel comfortable with maybe?
10 Ninja Boundaries: "...to duck out of the way of incoming hurt and not get tangled up in arguments or tension..."
1) "...if you go to see people, own your decision and go only if you actually want to go..."
2) "...think through your plan about how you're going to do this..."
3) "...use your boundaries, but not as weapons..."
4) "...acknowledge to yourself the emotions that this [interaction or event] brings up..."
5) "...limit your time in situations that stress you..."
6) "...avoid unnecessary conflicts, you can do this without anyone knowing..."
7) "...take your mind off what you feel and just think about who in the room might benefit from a kind word..."
8) "...don't talk about controversial things..."
9) "...take care of yourself,...the secret to fending off depression and deregulation...especially...at multi-day event(s)..."
10) "...have a plan b in case things go south..."
👍
My lack of boundaries = I've just realised I've made "friends" with another nasty woman. Does anyone else do this? I tend to have a pattern of befriending very jealous and psychologically abusive women and not realising until they've seriously hurt and or abused me. I think I'm super lucky to have made a good female friend and all I've done is shown a passive aggressive, conniving, manipulative, even dangerous at times person my weaknesses and vulnerabilities, all the while they're absolutely using me and nasty. Looking back and realising how obvious they were about their feelings towards me is the scariest thing, I so obviously let it in.
I have found at telling people about your trauma can easily give them a weapon to use against you! It is hard not to trust people but you shouldn't for a while.
I have done this, and put blinders on so as not to see their faults, and tell myself it’s humorous instead. Like it’s a good thing to have evil private jokes about people and laugh uproariously with eachother.
I used to think that my brand of “comedy “ was an insult comic, and wished I could be a comic. But after watching successful insult comics closely, I realized they are putting on an act, and not being truthful about how they view the world and people.
It’s probably because you’ve got no normal healthy boundaries from day 1- because you don’t know what that is. And, you’re idealising people, not showing judgment, waiting to develop the trust & see if they are a healthy person to be around.
It's sad & unfair that anyone can be so manipulative & nasty to others, especially those who have done nothing except be a friend. Be careful who you trust. Act confident whether or not you are on the inside. You can be authentic & kind without revealing too much. Ask questions, give compliments, or chat about current topics on an easy surface level. Figure out how to change the subject or turn the question back to them if asked something uncomfortable or too personal. "I haven't made up my mind yet..." or "I'm not sure, what do you think...?" You can say things with a smile to keep it friendly until you reach a level of mutual trust & respect. If something feels suss, trust your instinct.❤
I did this and feel this too. Even with my sister. She was aligned with a lawfirm that is extorting me. I am ashamed/scared I did not accept reality. (or even know)
Denise is so self aware and funny, I hope the best for her ❤
My son lives in another country and EVERY TIME my husband (his father) and I go over, first it was for the wedding then the birth of a grandchild, then the divorce, then to meet the new wife, we go to give support but I feel terrible about the way my son treats and talks to me, he reminds me of my narcissistic mother.
We've decided not to go there ever again but we do video call with the grandkids. I feel triggered even during these calls so I now stay only for as long as I feel comfortable and my husband calls me when it's time to say good bye. It's strange but it works. Thanks Anna
You are a beautiful person. Thank-you🌹
I like that Denise's friends told her the truth! It seems like she tried to override her own instincts towards the right thing, but her friends shut that down. That married man has cheated on his wife before. That's why he was so patient and testing her boundaries. He's heard it all before. The fact she didn't read his last two text is outstanding. I would've messed up on that part. Just out of nosiness I would have had to read them 😂.
Idk why I start seeing this things after resolving all my trauma mess. Why I start seeing videos like yours, know about cptsd and all kinds of solutions when I already lived and thank God got out, and maybe still fighting against all.kinds of emotions. Why I did not see you before?
Wow!! This was really fun!!
I wasn't expecting this as a positive video. It's a happy, upbeat, report about progress and that's really really nice to get sometimes. Thank you, FAIRY.
Good Job, Denise ..
You seem stronger and more beautiful all the time. Thanks for your good work!
Thank you for the kind words. Jack@TeamFairy
This is one of the craziest things. I love someone whose boundary is to rely on destroying trust. ie lying to deceive. Not in a malevolent way, but the only way to accept the boundary of false reality
Thank you so much, Anna, for sharing your wisdom, experience, strength, and hope. I started the Daily Practice recently and it is really helping me. You are helping so many people. Thank you!
Thanks for sharing!!
-The Fairy Team
Exactly ❤ boundaries are about you, not them.
Worked for me to tell my love interest that he could drink all he wanted, just could not come near me while under the influence. He has not had alcohol since, years now. He similarly got me to wake one morning and decide I was no longer a smoker.
I’ve really been enjoying your teachings!
I view so much with Aimee, i too am an American living in Latin America and it's hurtful to be seen as a dollar sign. People become entitled and it's indeed quite isolating. It's gotten to the point where i show people through both words and action that I'm poor, which despite making 100k a year (my trauma, more like my trauma driven decisions and "mild" addictions keep me living paycheck to paycheck) often results in this being true a few times per month. I'm actually kind of lonely and need to meet people, it's just so tough.
YAAAAAH🎉 Denise. GOOD JOB. I'm tearing up - I'm so happy for you. It gives me hope 🙏🏽 GOOD JOB!!
This means so much to me. I am excited to start the free workshop tools. I love writing.❤
I am so glad you are trying it out!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I love this message… our boundaries are our choice!
I am so blessed to have found your channel. I identify much and therefore it witnesses to my self what it is that I am going thru and why my behavior is in this way. Now I am able to understand and move into healing.
I am so proud of Denise. Actually, it's good that he wears a wedding ring. Otherwise, she might never have known that he is married. Personally, I don't believe in seeing someone who is separated either. In my book, a person is either married or single, divorced etc. Separated is still married.
I am speechless , most Anna s videos have got something for me, but this one really hit lots of nails in the head. I think I should watch it multiple times.
I've gained yet another stalker.. boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! Important to hold up!
Oh no, please stay safe.
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you - i try haha! This one isn't angry yet so I have hope me setting boundaries will make him stop before he starts the stalking!
@@Yenya787 Sometimes, many times, you cannot realise what someone is like until you get to know them...as someone who was accustomed to absolute hell from family, it was hard to discern until it is right in front of you. If you had a crappy enough family situation, it does acclimatize a person toa certain level of misbehaviour as usual. Life is just not as simple as some make out.
Often stalkers are people who have never been partners or even dates in the past. They can just be someone you once said no to, or they can just like the look of you.
@@itzakpoelzig330 that's exactly my Stalker(s)!
Loving all this helpful insight! Thank you, Anna!
When you’re triggered and you know it take a pause…
When you’re triggered and you know it take a pause…
When you’re triggered and you know it
And you don’t wanna blow it…
When you’re triggered and you know it take a pause…
Haha, thank you for sharing this :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Regarding c. the 48 minute mark, about how it sounds to confront people... my partner (now) is trained to assess torture and abuse in prisons (war prisoners and high-profile political prisoners, working for ICRC) and it was she who opened my head to the abuse I was living in total denial about. All she said was 'are you okay with the way he talks to you?'
I had LITERALLY not heard his tone of voice (100% contempt) for more than 25 years. Looking back, red flags all over the place within 3 weeks of meeting him, and decades of controlling, manipulating, gaslighting, lies, broken promises, violence, rage and zero respect...and until she said that sentence, I was utterly oblivious, completely convinced I was 'happily married' --I said it all the time. I really believed it. I couldn't explain the middle-of-the-night sobbing, the 'arguing with no one' (shouting) in the car, or alone in the house, the days or weeks of numbness, the relief when he went to sea (he was in the navy) and the anxiety when he came home... but that was all 'something else,' right? RIGHT?!
Ugh. Still picking this apart, 8 years post-divorce.
But what I wanted to highlight is how it's possible to help someone think about what's happening, and get past defenses, with neutral, observational questions that don't accuse anyone about anything... like 'are you okay with the way he talks to you?'
I just found you . I like you. Your adding so much value and giving me many things to consider. 😊
Welcome!
I think it’s all about ‘delivery ‘ if it comes from genuine care you feel it and will accept it and visa versa ✨😊
Omg I just had that same scenario with a married man trying to pull me into third-party situation I said no once he came back, I had to say no again went through all the physiological changes this woman has gone through
Thank you, Anna. May God bless you for your wisdom and kindness. Merry Christmas.
Better no relationship than an unhealthy one...
🙋howdy Anna...
You are on a roll...thanks for taking me along...song of the day...
CHICAGO....Feeling stronger everyday
Anna, deli containers are a life saver. All the same tops.
I'm so glad I found your channel. It has been so helpful. Thank you 💖
Welcome!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Wow your makeup anD hair look stunning,sincere comment from cristina in australia you look beautiful ❤I hope you see this🎉
Thank you so much!!
I hear you, Anna. I like structure and I also feel like anything at work or home that’s in disarray or haphazardly done is thrown at me. Yes, I can tackle it but at the same time I need it to be structured in a way that makes sense to my brain.
what an amazing letter.. this hit right in my heart.. I thought she was reading a letter about my life. same exact childhood had alot of stepmoms somre nice but some very wicked once that at times when my dad was away on military traing would not let my brother Matt and my sister Rachel.. and myself eat and lock usbin our rooms.. I became a runaway at the age of 15 and as a runaway I worked at burger king... wow scary how fuck our live were.. love the letter denise keep your head up..❤❤❤❤
That's a hard past to overcome, and here you are encouraging others. Thank you.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I know I have cptsd. Took quiz and all but 2 were checked. Didnt see a number like if you have 5 of these it’s cptsd and thought that might help ppl that dont have as many as me I started setting boundaries in 2017/2018. At first loved ones didn’t like it even though I didn’t explicitly say I was setting boundaries. My therapist warned me that might happen. Over consistency and time it’s not an issue thankfully
Wow? Just WOW! Eureka!
You are a lifesaver! Many thanks for all your videos and for sharing your expertise.
Another needed video! So timely for me. Thank you!
You are so welcome!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Hi Anna.I really appreciate you. I'm learning the daily Practice. You story is very inspiring and just what I need right now on my healing journey. I've been journaling for the past6 months and it does help with so many things. I was able to get thru a recent
trigger set up a healthy boundary and to look at the person and situation in a realistic manner. I have in the past been my own worst critic. I don't have an issue with taking responsability for my part in a situation but I'm learning not to be so harsh with myself. I even say to myself now that I'm proud of something that i did even if its a small step towards giving myself self care.
I used to be a people pleaser.I'm learning to validate myself. I'm also making myself a priority instead of putting everyone elses needs first. Now I put myself first. I'm saying no and seeing positive results from someone who used to take advantage
who is no longer doing that. I'm taking my power back and learning not to give it away. Sometimes its better not to say anything when being attacked verbally. I don't take things so personally anymore when someone else projects their stuff onto me becuase its their stuff not mine to own and over react to.
Being aware is a game changer and then having the right tools and daily practice is the way to make real positive changes.
Thanks for sharing this! I'm so glad the daily practice has been helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Ok i see what she means now 54:22 really hits it on the nail. At some point CPTSD suffers will start to get controlling to the point we will push love ones away.
Lovely Anna. You know Anna the phrase "the wind is in your sails now": when I ride my bicycle going to Juma'a Prayers for example I first notice the flags on top of the buildings and if I have a tailwind I say O.K. we have support from the wind, and I enjoy the ride, thinking when it is time to return we "Me and my Bicycle" will have an upwind. Anyway riding is good in many ways. You; Denyse are a bright student and you have taught others that learning helps. I wish you get married soon.
Anna Runkle - I am thrilled to see what looks like the trappings of your success. You look wonderful and I was happy to see your collab with Patrick (?name). The support you both seemed to glean from knowing each other was touching to me, and is a testament to how our kindness and empathy for others with CPTSD can benefit us all. I can’t imagine the amount of time and effort you’ve put in to keeping this channel going, and doing it in the face of disregulation is inspiring and proves you’re truly powerful and committed to having us heal. I’m so thankful to you for having the courage and fortitude to go against conventional wisdom and hold true to your vision, because it was the first time anyone had described and explained the symptoms I’d been trying to eradicate from my life for years, and was mystified to find it impervious to logical thinking and an honest desire to accomplish real change. I’d like for you to consider exploring the topic of reparenting, and the importance of not judging and showing empathy for others with this illness. I believe this to be true bc before you, only 2 things had impact that changed me, and that was when two people did very simple things and showed me kindness I’d never experienced at home. One was a therapist who demonstrated behaviors that a mother might do - e.g. the guard at her building was away from his desk, so I had to wait downstairs until he returned. I called up and told her I was waiting. She came downstairs and waited with me in the lobby. That moved me to tears. It wasn’t talking about the trauma - it was her out of the box emulation that allowed me to integrate my personality and I no longer have to worry about what “you” need me to be. The other was very simply, that I’d had low-key anger that was leaking through even when I didn’t feel mad. A friend allowed me to read to her things I’d written that my mom had done. She had me look at her and visualize my stepmom, and then she apologized sincerely for everything. I needed 3 apologies, but after that, the anger was gone and I’m having better, closer relationships and interactions than I’ve ever had.
I’m sharing this in the hopes it will help others and I don’t believe I’ve seen this topic in your videos. God bless you and thank you, truly.
Your fan, Colleen
Dear Colleen, your experience truly resonated for me today. The part about feeling cared for especially touched my heart. i can appreciate your emotion when your therapist come into the lobby and waited with you, when your friend heard your list of grievances and then responded authentically to your anguish from maltreatment when you were young communicated care. This is so powerful for me right now. Being shunned and shamed as a child because you dare speak up and
try to advocate for yourself, point out something that is hurting you, or express your basic needs, is terrible. I'm struggling today. Your post gives me hope. 💙
@@bookbeing My dear, I hear you and I know you have what it takes to pull through it because you have the courage to express what you're going through and the smarts to look here on this channel for guidance. My best wishes and blessings are with you. May you find peace, and remember all of the wonderful things you are.
I think of boundaries as what my response will be or is in the face of another’s behaviors. I cannot tell them what they must or must not do other than to describe my emotions about a behavior which I feel personally affects my well-being. My only control is to, as you stated, take the appropriate action to care for my well-being.
This is simplistic at best because there is so much more to developing insight I than can be written in a short posting but it does help me to know that I have the responsibility for managing my behaviors but have no right nor any real power to manage other people, places and situations to meet my personal needs or expectations of what ‘should be’.
Discernment isn’t ‘judging another’ but can just be prudence or discernment.
I like how you described boundaries! This is my current understanding of personal boundaries. For many years I thought that a boundary was "telling someone what I expect from them", and hoping they went along with it! . Now I know that with boundaries, I am in control of my own actions and behaviors, regardless of what others may do/not do.
I just think all people are toxic. There is no cure. You can be perfect, amazing and wonderful....BUT...people PREFER toxicity and negativity...it just IS
Inner work is everything, if you change, the outer world changes for you.
Trying to control or manipulate on the other hand , is useless effort and does not do it.
But upon entering AA we soon take quite another view of this
absolute humiliation. We perceive that only through utter defeat
are we able to take our first steps toward liberation and strength.
Our admissions of personal powerlessness finally turn out to be
firm bedrock upon which happy and purposeful lives may be built.
- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, (Step One) p. 21 read this today rather freeing 😁
If you ask and they do the opposite double down that’s narcissistic abuse. Setting boundaries is the best test. Abusers will violate immediately. Run fast.
I have been told by my friend that we are friends. She has also been through some of what I have. Friday we had dinner. She kept telling me how I should live and what I should do. This has happend before. She knows I dont want that. 4 times said no dont want to talk to your husband about by my drama. She kept asking and asking why. No was not enough. Went home and next day totally disregulated. Sunday I told her that I have had enough. She does not respect my boundries. Broke off all contact. I have not felt safe in the friendship. I am also allowed to decide if I want to be friends. Its not on her to tell me when and where to be friends.
I love your videos. Thank you so much for your work!
Hi can you direct me to anything on your sight that talks about relationships with adult children? Thank you, I really find your talks very helpful 😊
"Someone" and "family" are in my opinion two different things. I absolutely agree that someone can choose to respect one's boundaries or not. However, it's my opinion that a family member should love and care enough to respect one's boundaries as boundaries are there to protect an individual not to block others. It shouldn't be seen as a negative to the one who cares and loves.. such as a family member. I will say that we should try to be what we'd like to see in others. Lastly, introspection is necessary for all as good measure! However, I think it's important to note that it's not always an internal issue.. some people are determined to misunderstand. External factors are real, some people are just unkind. These things can be heard in the letters shared in these videos. Thanks for sharing 🙏
Haha, I want the tops on Tupperware also, cabinet doors closed, etc.
I do not think I would share my credit card with a husband frankly. But I sympathize with the writer.
I prefer to think its them not me dont demand or expect anything so there is no problem good advice i guess
Choose Very Carefully, WHO IS GOING TO INFLUENCE YOU. That is the Billion Dollar Choice to Make for All of Us. All of us in the World now, with or without cptsd.
I used to work with someone who was vigilant about making everyone honor her boundaries, to the point of threatening lawsuits. Management was afraid of her because she was so litigious. She was a super controller. So glad I've moved past that. ✌️✌️
Oh gosh, I know the type!
After hearing you mention your husband’s shoes I realised I have a similar issue with my hubby. Except I would continue to annoy him about it out of my own frustration. Then I would make it into a bigger issue such as he doesn’t really care about me
Good job Denise, well done. Thank you for sharing. ❤
19:55 Absolutely. I was married and able to remain on my ex's insurance as long as we were married, and I lived in another STATE. This was only until I was able to save up for the divorce, but still. He does NOT have to live with his wife for her to use his insurance. He does NOT have to wear a wedding band in order for her to have insurance.
I know several couples who are madly in love who sleep in separate bedrooms. That is not an indication that he is free to be with another woman. Have you SEEN his house and his "separate" bedroom? I have been in situations before where the man insists that they're separated, they live separate lives, etc., etc., etc. I have asked if it's okay if I speak to his wife about this and make sure it's okay with her and of course, it never is. Because he's lying.
50:00 Never put anyone on your credit card. Never! Been there, done that and it NEVER works out. The person has almost maxed out your card which shows that they cannot be trusted with this.
1:08:00 I don't like that either, when someone wants to be my "friend" only to try to sell me things.
Or for rides! LOL
The Writing techniques are amazing , thank you for giving them for free ❤❤❤❤
Love this video ❤