The test: "When you unintentionally hurt someone" The narcissist: "They're not actually hurt. They're just over-reacting. It's not my fault they're being dramatic."
@maritaberndt6200 if you're "wondering" then you're probably onto something tbh! There's loads of content on YT, and Jimmy has some great videos. If you feel like he gaslights you and always makes things HE did your fault (without apologising), then he probably is. If you're being verbally abused or don't feel safe, get out asap ❤
I was told that I wasn't "hurt", rather it was my EGO and my MORALS that made me upset about what HE felt was nothing. It was MY problem. He hadn't done ANYTHING! Accountability was NOT going to happen. Repair??!! Hell no...
When I told the narc of his insult, he apologized "if" he offended me -- then defended his remark and tried to get me to accept his logic. I ended the relationship.
@@stevelangely8004 Same here! He several times would underhandedly insult me and then when I'd call him out on it, he denied that's what he meant or deny that's what he even said! I broke things off with him after he gave me the silent treatment for not agreeing with him on an issue. So childish in how they behave.
True. Mine once said, he apologizes now for everything in the future. Think about that one. Thats not only an insincere apology but a manipulation trying to absolve himself from future transgressions while trying to get me off his back. Gas lighting as well. Good that you ended it then and there.
Remember, an apology without action is just an appeasement. If they say sorry but continue the behavior that hurt you, they were just placating you with words. Real apologies are followed by sincere, corrective actions.
He did say "do you apologize when you UNINTENTIONALLY hurt someone." The intentional hurt will easily get apologies from a narcissist since it's part of their game.
The narc who abused me would absolutely apologize. Sometimes she would say “I’m sorry for my part in it” and tell me to apologize for “my part” . And yes, the narcs are evolving into more and more manipulative monsters.
Exactly... Extremely sad, disappointing and frustrating.. I think before starting a relationship is a point you should check and before agreeing to start a relationship with them.. otherwise it'd be a hell u don't want to get into.. seriously
Narcissists will go to lengths to elicit an apology out of you even over something minor. They will not issue you an apology over anything, even the big things. I had that experience, unfortunately.
They can absolutly say they are sorry but it does not mean that they actually mean it. They come in different flavors, some are more clever then others which I mean some are more able to manipulate then other, they usually say sorry when they can't get away with a behaviour when they either know you are on your way out or when you already made no contact and when they want you back. So even if I would like to believe people can become better be aware you are taking a huge risk, because if they are not serious about wanting to heal they probably will repeating the same behaviour or with time become worse because they can feel they won when you took them back and think you are weak for not standing your ground.
🎉 Good for you that it was only five months. You don't know what a bullet you dodged!! And you may think you actually didn't because Of the five months. But You should thank God that it was not five YEARS--or more! Usually one has much more trouble, Or length of time, rather, of breaking the trauma bond and escaping their grasp. 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
I'm getting tempted to send this to my ex husband, just to show him I'm not the narcissist. But, the fact that I still need his validation is showing how codependent I truly am.
We all want approval, its human nature. We only exist through the eyes of others. Also... maybe reflect on that... 1. do YOU want to prove you're not, or 2. do you want HIM to admit he is? If its the ladder, it ain't gonna happen... if it's the first, you know... you've always known... Understand: he is equally dependent and terrified of you. He solely believes you are a total c**t and there's nothing you can do or say that will make him change his mind... you also have feelings for him and you're a good person and no matter how cunty he was towards you he couldn't convince you that he's a horrible person. Accept your defeat... you were wrong, can you accept that? He is wrong... and the core of his disorder will NEVER allow him to accept that... You both convinced each other at times... he convinced you that you were bad and you convinced him you were good (as well as you may have beat him to exhaustion that he did something bad)... but it only lasted so long... Work on yourself, keep your guard up (he'll always twist whatever you do and say into "she's trying to f*** me... that b****") and know that when he's being nice he's faking it cuz their mojo is "keep your friends close and your enemies - in their case EVERYONE - closer"... and he's terrified of being exposed. Pray... pray that one day he'll find in himself to be honest... "The truth will set you free".. him, and you... so, was it option 1 or 2? Be honest! 😌 PS. I believe you!
We all want validation, its human nature. We only exist through the eyes of others. Also... maybe reflect on that... 1. do YOU want to prove you're not, or 2. do you want HIM to admit he is? If its the ladder, it ain't gonna happen... if it's the first, you know... you've always known... Understand: he is equally dependent and terrified of you. He solely believes you are a total c**t and there's nothing you can do or say that will make him change his mind... you also have feelings for him and you're a good person and no matter how cunty he was towards you he couldn't convince you that he's a horrible person. Accept your defeat... you were wrong, can you accept that? He is wrong... and the core of his disorder will NEVER allow him to accept that... You both convinced each other at times... he convinced you that you were bad and you convinced him you were good (as well as you may have beat him to exhaustion that he did something bad)... but it only lasted so long... Work on yourself, keep your guard up (he'll always twist whatever you do and say into "she's trying to f*** me... that b****") and know that when he's being nice he's faking it cuz their mojo is "keep your friends close and your enemies - in their case EVERYONE - closer"... and he's terrified of being exposed. Pray... pray that one day he'll find in himself to be honest... "The truth will set you free".. him, and you... so, was it option 1 or 2? Be honest! 😌 PS. I believe you!
We all want validation, its human nature. We only exist through the eyes of others. Also... maybe reflect on that... 1. do YOU want to prove you're not, or 2. do you want HIM to admit he is? If its the ladder, it ain't gonna happen... if it's the first, you know... you've always known... Understand: he is equally dependent and terrified of you. He solely believes you are a total c**t and there's nothing you can do or say that will make him change his mind... you also have feelings for him and you're a good person and no matter how cunty he was towards you he couldn't convince you that he's a horrible person. Accept your defeat... you were wrong, can you accept that? He is wrong... and the core of his disorder will NEVER allow him to accept that... You both convinced each other at times... he convinced you that you were bad and you convinced him you were good (as well as you may have beat him to exhaustion that he did something bad)... but it only lasted so long... Work on yourself, keep your guard up (he'll always twist whatever you do and say into "she's trying to f*** me... that b****") and know that when he's being nice he's faking it cuz their mojo is "keep your friends close and your enemies - in their case EVERYONE - closer"... and he's terrified of being exposed. Pray... pray that one day he'll find in himself to be honest... "The truth will set you free".. him, and you... so, was it option 1 or 2? Be honest! 😌 PS. I believe you!
We all want validation, its human nature. We only exist through the eyes of others. Also... maybe reflect on that... 1. do YOU want to prove you're not, or 2. do you want HIM to admit he is? If its the ladder, it ain't gonna happen... if it's the first, you know... you've always known... Understand: he is equally dependent and terrified of you. He solely believes you are a total c**t and there's nothing you can do or say that will make him change his mind... you also have feelings for him and you're a good person and no matter how cunty he was towards you he couldn't convince you that he's a horrible person. Accept your defeat... you were wrong, can you accept that? He is wrong... and the core of his disorder will NEVER allow him to accept that... You both convinced each other at times... he convinced you that you were bad and you convinced him you were good (as well as you may have beat him to exhaustion that he did something bad)... but it only lasted so long... Work on yourself, keep your guard up (he'll always twist whatever you do and say into "she's trying to f*** me... that b****") and know that when he's being nice he's faking it cuz their mojo is "keep your friends close and your enemies - in their case EVERYONE - closer"... and he's terrified of being exposed. Pray... pray that one day he'll find in himself to be honest... "The truth will set you free".. him, and you... so, was it option 1 or 2? Be honest! 😌 PS. I believe you!
We all want validation, its human nature. We only exist through the eyes of others. Also... maybe reflect on that... 1. do YOU want to prove you're not, or 2. do you want HIM to admit he is? If its the ladder, it ain't gonna happen... if it's the first, you know... you've always known... Understand: he is equally dependent and terrified of you. He solely believes you are a total c**t and there's nothing you can do or say that will make him change his mind... you also have feelings for him and you're a good person and no matter how c**^y he was towards you he couldn't convince you that he's a horrible person. Accept your defeat... you were wrong, can you accept that? He is wrong... and the core of his disorder may not allow him the necessary honesty level to accept that, but who knows... times are changing... the person that is always deficient is himself, after all, the mask stops him from ever getting that validation we all need... he's always hiding behind the mask he erroneously think he needs to wear to get the validation, but even if he gets it... its empty, it does not ultimately validates him because it's not him 😔... You both convinced each other at times... he convinced you that you were bad and you convinced him you were good (as well as you may have beat him to exhaustion that he did something bad)... but it only lasted so long... Work on yourself, keep your guard up (he'll always twist whatever you do and say into "she's trying to f*** me... that b****") and know that when he's being nice he's faking it cuz their mojo is "keep your friends close and your enemies - in their case EVERYONE - closer"... and he's terrified of being exposed. Pray... pray that one day he'll find in himself to be honest... "The truth will set you free" and allow him to get (and give) the validation and connection we all need. So, was it option 1 or 2? Be honest! 😌 PS. I believe you!
My soon to be ex has said every time I've told him he hurt me that I've hurt him too before I even get an apology. It took over a year for him to even apologize, but when his apologies started after I went to him with an issue, he would want me to apologize to him every time too. I explained to him that this is not how adult conversations go and he will argue with me on this until I'm so exhausted I can hardly talk anymore. This is the hell I've been living for two years and I'm finally applying for my own place, I finally will be able to have peace away from this soul-sucking, crazy-making relationship.
So hear this description... same for me, but my mind/heart just was ignorant due to my authoritarian upbringing. So enable through my ppl pleasing and co dependencies.
I'm glad you saw the signs now and not twenty plus years later. just watch out for the fallout most Narcs are vindictive and will seek revenge. wish you all the best🎈
They can fake it, just not very well. My mom always says things like, "I lost my temper and maybe went too far, but YOU needed to be taught a lesson." Or, "I have become a more patient person, but your BROTHER was sent by God to test me."
My husband has NEVER apologized without me apologizing first…. I apologized even when I didn’t do anything wrong just so we can work it out. He also never took accountability for anything …. There was always ‘context’ as to why he didn’t need to take accountability. Talk about it mentally exhausting to deal with for 4 years. So glad I left that toxic dynamic. It was soul sucking.
I might add to this that a true narcissist would recognize what you are getting at and would provide an answer that sounds like they care. They are very good at telling you what you want to hear.
A covert narc is playing a sinister long game & can say or do anything to appease… I got flowers, gifts & trips but never a real apology because the truth was he felt sorry for getting caught in a lie or exposed publicly. This is an actual character disorder & no one is home inside that person. It’s just an actor faking lines to appear to be someone who has humanity when in fact that life was destroyed in childhood. A narcissist is only a shallow preadolescent at best. At worst it’s a cunning predator like Ted Bundy
The narcs are evolving. I've had 2 narcs say they thought they might be. The self awareness made me think they couldn't be. Oh they were. They were just letting me know
🎯💯 I came to say the same thing. A neighbor I've been dealing w has a good side & dark side. As I got to know him he always brought up his sisters as if to convey understanding & trust. Seemed genuine when he opened up abt PTSD & other issues, incl narcissism. Initially showed remorse(?) despite no issue or need to explain. I've been guarded except when I couldn't pass up help w rides or food (sick, car trouble, etc). He was genuinely kind til recently when his ugly side caused me enormous stress - Narc/BPD red flags everywhere! It confirmed my belief that much of the "good" was manipulation tactics in disguise. My situation & moral character made me an easy target, then 💥! The rage, insults & false accusations exploded on me. He doesn't treat any of his male friends & neighbors like that that. Hard not to take the bait & defend myself but logic & reason, even compassion doesn't help. I never know what mood he'll be in so I ignore his calls. Everyone be alert & aware!
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
You can seek a help of a counselor but not to bring someone back to you. Your ex partner left you from their own will and the only thing you can do is to respect it. You cannot enforce someone's love even though you obtain an advice of some spiritual guru. These promises are just bullshit. I'm sorry. However I wish you all the best to get trough this hard life period. After you get over it, you become stronger even though you probably do not believe it right now.
A lot of people struggle to be wrong and apologize and they’re not narcissists, but lacking any empathy or regret definitely could make you a narcissist, whereas if you just struggle to say sorry and take accountability, you could struggle with perfectionism, pride, arrogance, or certain issues from your past and working on it would be a huge help.
You are right, yet struggling to apologize is a narcissistic trait. I think most people possess that to some degree. My mom is diagnosed BPD/NPD and she will apologize but it means nothing because her behavior won't change. I believe true narcissistic behavior boils down to the inability to have peaceful, equitable relationships. These relationships are typically high conflict and full of control/guilt issues and very strong aversion to others possessing boundaries of any sort. I figured out my mom was PD because she can't respect boundaries without push back of some sort in a way that doesn't match the boundary.
@@ThePinkPantha21 I agree with all you’re saying but I don’t agree that someone struggling to apologize means they’re a narcissist. That’s being way to simplistic and black and white in a topic where humans are very complex and layered and many struggle to apologize for many different reasons, not just because they’re narcissistic.
Excessive need for grandiosity... I ponder if the NPD-Touching alarm trigger is when the actions are based of different manifestations of needed "more-worth", needed aggrandizement (one's achievements, possessions, gestures, postures, recognitions) and needed strength-core boosting by inner "lionizing" energies. Richard Grannon (another youtuber in narcissism teachings) uses the word lionize sometimes. Lionize... I think that paints a picture of their coping buffer for inner low / echo ego.... "why do you need to act outwardly in was that make you feel lionizing" ?
My niece had a narcissistic mom and alcoholic dad. She didn't like apologizing because it showed 'weakness' and she didn't want to be vulnerable around people like that 😢
I think it's important to recognize that there's a difference between being a narcissist and displaying narcissistic behavior (or areas where we lack emotional maturity). Unfortunately, in our culture, we lack emotional intelligence. This is a widespread cultural issue. Up until very recently, the dominant paradigms of the time saw emotional needs and injuries as invalid. We blamed and judged people for displaying symptoms of trauma and unmet needs. Many of us learned to suppress and invalidate our emotional experiences. We were told by unhealthy caregivers that this was "managing" our emotions. We were taught to gaslight ourselves, ie "I shouldn't be feeling that". We learned to abandon ourselves and to mask. We learned to subtly, and not so subtly, sabotage ourselves. We lack empathy for ourselves and many have decades of suppressed and unprocessed trauma, that's easily triggered. We lack the capacity to tolerate and process difficult emotions and either shut down and suppress, or act from deeply ingrained survival strategies. We also can struggle to navigate conflict or express our needs in vulnerable ways (if we even see our needs as valid). Many of us are codependent and either feel responsibility for the emotions of others or attempt to assign responsibility for ours to others. We can be sensitive to feedback and perceived rejection. We can unconsciously manipulate, not only others, but ourselves too. (The tools of manipulation are Fear, Obligation, Guilt, and Shame; FOGS). We can have entitlement issues and attempt to hold people hostage with our emotions. We can justify, defend, or deny our own harmful behavior, "they made me do it", "that's just who I am", "my feelings are valid", etc. (Your right to authenticity doesn't entitle you to objectify another or ignore consent). Much of this behavior can be unconscious. Deep beliefs of shame can interfere with self reflection. Trauma symptoms are not character flaws. But they can damage relationships. It's not our fault that we were injured and never received healthy modeling. But it is our responsibility. Recognizing we have a need to heal can be difficult. Developing emotional maturity in adulthood isn't easy. None of this is about blame or fault. It's not about labeling ourselves as narcissistic. It's about practicing compassionate self honesty and recognizing areas where we need to grow. We grew up in a wounded culture. We were raised by unhealthy caregivers who passed on their unhealed trauma and taught us to be codependent. There's no shame in that. And no, it doesn't make you a narcissist.
@@maritaberndt6200 I know that's not easy. I'm sorry that's your experience. You deserve to feel safe in your closest relationships. When someone's not aware of their triggers, or unable to experience difficult emotions, they can be so difficult to be around. I hope you're able to find the healing and support you need. Please be gentle with yourself and recognize the legitimacy of your own emotions. You matter too. Although it's become easier for me to acknowledge it, sadly, it was me for most of my adult life. I never had a healthy frame of reference and had no idea that my childhood, that "wasn't that bad" was traumatic, and instilled deep beliefs of shame and unworthiness into my psyche. It was just my "normal". I was one of those people who said "it happened to me and I'm fine". I was so far from fine, but had no idea what healthy even looked like. I do know that healing is possible though. If you're open to a couple of resources: Lindsay Gibbons' work might be helpful for you. She's written several books about interacting and navigating relationships with emotionally immature people. At the very least, you might find her perspectives to be validating. You might also find practical advice for specific issues. She's also been on a lot of podcasts on UA-cam so you can check her out without a financial investment. I personally use her work to deepen my own self awareness and to learn what I should have in childhood. Another resource that might be good for both you, and your husband (if he's receptive to watching something), is John Bradshaw's video "Healing the Shame that Binds You". (Also available on UA-cam, look for the version that's an hour long). This was the first video I saw on childhood /multigenerational trauma. It completely opened my eyes. It was life changing, and I'm not exaggerating in the slightest. Just watching it was healing and opened the door for the possibility to change / free myself from my unhealed trauma. I wish more people were aware of it. It's powerful. Sending you love and intentions for your healing. 🙏 Again, please be gentle on yourself. You need to be on your own team, especially in your inner world.
@@rochellebroglen4155 thank you. I've read John Bradshaw's work. He has been incredibly helpful to me. I'll look up the other person you suggested. At this stage I'm looking at a separation from my husband because I'm exhausted. I've got an appointment with a solicitor next week. I'm not sure how I'll work things through because I really love my home and have cats (😻😻)and am 63 - but I'm just about ready to live in a tent. Wish me luck. I still care a lot about my husband but I can't keep on living like this. We've tried counselling. It was very unhelpful, unfortunately.
@@rochellebroglen4155hello dear friend, just reading your comments has been healing and calming for me, a first born from a traumatic childhood, who’s been ‘working’ on herself for 35 years (I’m in my 65th year). Ugh what a road! And, alas, it’s been my road and I look upon it with love, compassion and a little smile….😏 I’ve been called a narcissist by my younger sister, who said she got confirmation about that from 2 mentors from our childhood who were/are life long family friends. I like your comment: There is a difference between being a narcissist and showing narcissistic behaviors. Even today, I ask myself, “am I a narcissist?” And a yes answer doesn’t fully resonate…. That’s why I clicked on this short video in the first place. Thank you again. I’ll watch and listen to John Bradshaw-- man, that was revolutionary when he came out on PBS decades ago.😮💧🔴💗
Wow this is such a great comment to find. Very informative and well written and well thought out. I’m going to be more sensitive with the labels and try to be more compassionate. This man is so emotionally immature but your comment made me realize I have work to do on myself too because I feel responsible for others and this relationship continues to drain me. His childhood was diabolical, like really horrible abusive and neglectful. I’m really looking forward to exploring emotional maturity books for him, because up until now, I never thought of a way to get him to stop the lying/manipulations/gaslighting, besides just telling him it’s a problem. As I say that, I should know it’s not my responsibility to help him change, but he did ask for help and I was like “help with what?” While thinking to myself, “how am I supposed to help you stop lying 😒”. I’m realizing I’m lacking compassion when talking to him. Like harshly.. and now it’s escalated to me saying “listen bitch..” and texting “f you f you f you” out of anger this week during an argument about lying.. this is the first time I’ve cussed him out and he’s never done that to me. He’s actually somewhat respectful and mindful. Anyways, my comment is becoming a mess, I just want to thank you for opening my eyes and sharing your wisdom. I am going to work on myself, probably after I get him started 😂 (jokingly but not rly lol). For now I’m going to start practicing compassion ❤ ty
My narc husband usually says ‘sorry’ but never explores why/how he acted badly. It’s just words. A few years back he NEVER apologized. Now I’m supposed to be “ah progress! I love you!” but come on…
@@susannewaller9615 THIS! :0 You're absolutely right, they say it and act as though they're automatically 'better' for the words without the action behind it. Like what, you want me to say congratulations, give you a trophy and surprise you with a birthday cake??? Okay, then start *meaning* it. "B-But... That's just who I am! I can't change that!" Alright, well here's a change from me: we're done. Really wish I had more of a backbone back then but at least that chapter of my life is over. Onto the new n' healthy.
This is why you look at their actions. Once a narcissist finds a way to control someone they are willing to just say sorry but mean something entirely different and not change at all
My ex boyfriend couldn’t take any feedback whatsoever, he viewed everything as a personal attack, which led me to just not say anything and become more and more resentful. 😮
So people with NPD have a fear of being forgotten/unloved. Now remember this and you’ll understand why they do the things they do, as this fear is motivating them to act in ways so you don’t ever forget them, even the bad things they do. They are trying to be unforgettable in your memory. That’s the end goal with everyone they know or meet. They rather be hated and remember, than unloved and forgotten.
Ironically, that's what happens eventually. They're everywhere. You remember the traits and forget the individual because they're all basically the same person with different names and faces. If anything, it's like remembering a franken-narc. 🧟♂️🧟♀️😂
This makes sense in the context of someone's harassment and mistreatment of me over many, many years. Oh, i will " always" remember " the day" and the "C" and the " sea day". This was plànted into communications OVER and OVER and OVER again. The very gaurantee that i would never forget " them" or their many fake masks! God has protected and preserved my very mental health IN SPITE OF their evil efforts, fueled by their openness to allowing Satan to have his influence to control their behavior and choices. Oh, i will never forget ANY of you. I FORGIVE ALL OF YOU, even though you relentlessly continue to attack me and " attempt" to manipulate and control me. I know it is so very frustrating to you all, that I will STAND MY GROUND WHERE ( MY ) HOPE CAN BE FOUND! My hope will " always" be in my Lord Jesus Christ, my Savior, who alone saves me, now and forever!
Absolutely 💯 truth. The narcissist in my life NEVER apologizes insteads blames others. I'm still waiting for him to empathise over the loss of my beloved❤ 14yr old pet and the loss of my eldest sister! ❤😢🙈💔
@virginia Sorry for your loss. You may be waiting quite a while for empathy. Instead, try to accept what has happened and start your healing process without waiting on someone's actions.❤❤
I used to have a hard time with admitting I was wrong because I was a perfectionist (due to living with someone with judgmental narcissistic tendencies). I felt like I had to be perfect to be good enough to be loved or liked or accepted. So any mistake I made was a disaster and hard to admit to even to myself. I am far from a narcissist, but it did take me time to get over that and come to the point when I am okay with mistakes I make and have no problem taking accountability.
I know of narcissists who do the total opposite of what you're saying. They hurt or harm someone and totally spin it around. They say, "I shouldn't have blah, blah, blah... " And then they go into a diatribe of how this has impacted Them and Their life. And "I shouldn't have ... (more blah blah blah) And they proceed with "I Am..." because of this happening. All for pity from anyone listening. Everyone should feel badly for this better-than-everyone unflawed person who actually did cause harm or hurt to someone else, gloss over it to make themselves a martyr. They admit they did it, zip right past it to how They were harmed and hurt. They do a complete 180.
There are types of narcissists and for him to club them all into one is unfair. My parents, both narcs, were very different from each other. They've been terrible parents (and sadly humans), but my mom has come a long way from who she was. I can now be in the same room as her. My dad, on the other hand, passed away without ever seeing any fault in himself. A narc can introspect and him saying this can lead many people down a wrong path!
There are also covert narcissists who use "being flawed" or having "made a mistake" as a defence or an excuse. Like my abuser... So this video is not 100% accurate. Plus, narcissists hurt people intentionally. That's literally the nature of abuse.
@@Analysis_Paralysis yes, I agree. I wanted you to know how your voew are refreshing and I clusive. Your perspective leaves the viewer, me, able to breathe and listen.
I've lived with a narcissist cousin and if you are actively working on yourself, and you are not careful about sharing bits of self-realizations here and there, the narcissist would use that as a tool. They would then say the same lines like apologies and making it seem sincere. Faking accountability is not a hard thing to do, especially of they can gain your trust and make them seem the bigger person. Always discern the intention of the person, that's the only way to tell who's a narcissist or not. If you can be at peace that they mean well, that they gain nothing from every bit of "kindness" they've shown you, if you can't detect an ounce of power play, then that person is not a narcissist.
Your description of accountability by apologizing for hurting someone is actually a very American cultural trait. As a person who is from another culture but grew up in the US, for over 50 years, I can tell you that "accountability" is a wonderful American value. It is why Americans are some of the best people on earth!!!
Narcissists that are on a spectrum will even fake apologize, love bomb to get what they want with no intentions of repairing. Instead, they would prefer to start the entire abuse cycle all over again with an even deeper wound.
Yes or when you get sick, they cannot show empathy and may even abuse during your time of being sick or show you little to no comfort, compassion or mercy. This was 100% in all situations I've noticed.
This happened in our marital counseling therapy. My husband never outwardly criticized our therapist, though after a very short couple of visits he stopped trying and refused to continue to do the assigned therapy suggestions, exercises and readings. When we as the group of three, decided the therapist would see my husband alone for awhile (since couple's therapy clearly was not effective) my husband went to one session and it was done. Yep. One and done. Just like usual!
@Discordia5 What is the point of paying for the " expert" advice and then refusing to at least attempt to comply? He never considered or suggested a second opinion, as in trying another therapist. My husband just wanted that little exercise to end. It had only taken me 40 plus years to get him into a therapist's office with me. I was ALWAYS the identified problem, TO HIM.
Another favorite of narcs seems to be convincing the therapist that you are in fact the problem and getting the therapist to gang up on you. Even though they aren't doing any of the assigned work and you are..
And don’t take fake apologies (usually this is what I regret … I’d only I had…) for that apology Many people including me have been tricked over and over again … by the sincere fake apology It’s their actions…you will know them by their fruit
Narcissists don't care about other people's feelings. They seek to deliberately hurt you to get their ego boost. They will not tell you that they're sorry.
I hope you do. It shouldn't be rare. There's no reason everyone couldn't show such respect and kindness if they actually did the work to heal their own trauma and then learn some basic communication skills. Well, with the obvious exception of those who lack any empathy. Even then, I think empathy is a skill that can be learned. But the person has to choose to do that work because they want to, not for an external motivation.
I live with someone like this. In five years, i can count the number of times they held themselves accountable to something that they did and apologized. Each time was something small and not very important lol. Its actually crazy. Ive tried to point it out but its useless, and i end up feeling like the bad guy everytime. Even if i am the one who is hurt. Its always turned on me. No matter what. Ive come to terms that they actually dont care and any negative things i bring up makes me the bad guy. I have to ignore everything and always be the positive and grateful one no matter how mean they are. Until i cant take it anymore and am forced to stand up for myself so its a choose your battles situation. Almost like a job lol. This is why money is important because you can get stuck with terrible people. Let's pray for this world.❤
This just made me cry because it made me recall all those long hours I spent trying to explain to my ex what accountability is and why I expected and deserved it. It sounds so silly that I had to explain this to a grown-up person. I shouldn't have wasted so much time trying to get accountability out of him.
I apologize even when I bump into someone mistakenly, so when I do hurt someone unintentionally, if someone explains to me that they feel hurt by my actions, I am quick to apologize than I am to find an excuse to not acknowledge the person hurt. I know a few ppl i live with, who don't apologize when they hurt anyone. Or if they do it's a fake apology n they continue to do the same things without caring about anyone else in the house. They've done it to me so many times, I just keep my distance from them till I can move out. Can't wait to move out lol
Amazing content Jilmmy My about to be ex is definitely a Narcissist. Ive become numb in the relationship and no longer talk about my emotional needs because theyll never be met. Even simple things like a call to check up in me have become a burden.😅😅😅 Lord i thank You.
Whenever my ex hurt me, and I told him he would have a meltdown about how he was an awful person, he can’t be loved, and suddenly I’d be the one comforting him even though he hurt me. And whenever I would try to talk about it from my side he would freak out and ask why I wanted to be with him or would relentlessly argue with me over it and then claim it was in some way or another my fault. I remember the level of confusion and chaos that happened so clearly and how no conflict ever really felt resolved for me because of his behavior. Luckily, my partner now really listens to me. If he did something to hurt me (never over anything big, even when really I’m being quite irrational) he comforts me, validates my perspective and actually works to never do the same thing again. He can still feel overwhelmed and confused too depending on the conflict but when that happens he communicates it and never blames me for it and doesn’t have a meltdown. The difference is astounding and our relationship is much better, happier and safer.
I'm sorry you went through that and am so glad you're safe and happy now! What you describe is so relatable and makes me feel less alone. I've been through the same thing of him hurting me, then having a meltdown about how he's unlovable, unworthy and then letting me comfort him and try to assure him of the good I see. It's beyond crazy making. No matter how hurt I am, he always has to be the center of attention and the victim. I don't think my heart can take it anymore. Thank you for sharing and reminding me that there actually are loving, respectful people out there who show it consistently. This gives me hope that real love might still be out there for me.
YEEEES my dad will apologize but he expects that to be enough. No effort to hear out my feelings or attempt to make up for past behavior or even improve behavior.
My ex would say sorry as a word, frequently as many as 10 times a day for 7½ years but not one was heartfelt. They can fake being sorry, showing fake concern, more study is definitely required.
I've noticed some narcissists are actually learning to cope with an Ego blow if it can atill be used to get them what they want later. They're smart. They're learning. They know we have ways to sus them out, and they know they have to adapt if they want to continue manipulating. A Narcissist cannot be spotted solely through their words. You HAVE to compare their words to their actions. If you think someone is a Narcissist, spend a solid week or two paying very close attention to what they say, and then compare it to what they do. That will be your true show of character.
Unintentional? That's the justification he used to absolve himself of accountability! Repair, as if 😂 Narc, maybe, maybe not. It doesn't matter. We're no longer a couple. 🎉 Jimmy, ❤ your content
I feel pity for the narcissists, they are so empty inside. I’m a free spirit, real, authentic and I live everyday like my last with love peace and gratitude ❤
That’s exactly spot on. My x was a strong textbook narcissist and spilling over into a sociopath/psychopath on the spectrum. No he wouldn’t ever take accountability and he always had to be praised. Nor did he ever have any interest in repairing broken ruptured connection due to his behavior. He could never ever admit his part in anything. Great insight. As great as he was at faking things, and creating a false persona, that is probably the only thing they can’t fake. Very very destructive man. Could even cause enough injury as to cause a death, but he wouldn’t feel remorse, bcuz to do that would be to admit accountability.
I've been dealing with this for the last 12years. It's changed my whole outlook on life and I'm running out of ways to survive. I was so independent before this toxic person came along and now I'm given bread crumbs so I'm not even able to properly prepare for me and my son to leave. My son tells me every day that we need to get away from this, but it's impossible for me to make ends meet on my own and he knows that. He has no intention that aren't for his own benefit and I wish I could leave. FJB! As well as Insley!
This is very concerning to me. Sister, I do not pretend to know, only have my own experiences, which are different. Walk out and leave everything. If you have family, friends, a congregation, show up at their door. Are you in the US? There are many shelters to help us.
I agree you need to get out. This is abuse, find a women's shelter if you can or see if their is anyone you can stay with. This is not OK, for you or your son. He can see that and he's a kid. I wish you well. Take courage ❤
FJB?? Um ??? What??! You do realize that a lot of narcissists are on the other side right?? Like DJT is absolutely the "best most perfect most awesome.. the greatest" narcissistic personality ...
@@princessbuttercup8954his administration cut funding for domestic violence, hence there aren’t enough beds and shelters and advocates and support groups and classes and tampons and toothpaste and and and. There is not enough.
The narcissist I have to deal with at this time is the worst I have had to endure. When I asked what is hurting them so badly that they have to hurt me, they broke down and admitted they didn't know why they had no empathy and would have ruined their children if they ever had them. It didn't last. They doubled down after that because we are dealing with the literal demons that feed them rewarding them for hurting innocent people. It's their addiction.
This is so true. My family lacks any capability of empathising or acknowledging someone else's feelings and experiences. Hurting someone is not a concept they can fathom since nothing is ever their fault. Same with my ex. It's great to be in a place where they have no impact on my life anymore. Thank goodness for healthy and wholesome friendships and relationships.
Thank you so much. I could not understand this behaviour in my ex. I was feeling so rejected by him but now I feel so much freedom. Thank you for taking away that feeling of rejection. Now I understand my reaction as well.
My gf in an abusive Narc relationship asked me if she was a narcissist today. As a survivor myself, I have great empathy for her and my partner and I are trying to support her however we can. It’s a horror show right now. His abuse and narcissistic rage is in full swing. There’s 5 children in the house and he cares nothing for how his words and actions affect them. I feel it’s much like bad guys don’t ask if they are bad guys, they just are and enjoy what they do. Narcissists are no different. If you’re asking out loud if you’re a narcissist. It’s highly unlikely. Narcissists are not that self aware or capable of true growth through self reflection. Be kind to yourself and each other out there ❤
I think he means sustained consistent change in behavior. They may change ... But only for a little. Just to make us think "huh, maybe he can change this time. Maybe I did something to trigger him and that's why he acts the way he does. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am just overreacting..... " We get stuck in the cycle again and each time the self doubt and confusion slowly eat away at our self esteem, self trust, and independence. People refer to them as vampires because of them sucking our life away. I feel it is more like being hooked up to The Machine from Princess Bride. They vary the amounts of pain they want us to endure. Then stand there watching us writhe in pain. They get that smirk, (we all know the smirk. The one that creeps on their face when we're hurt, when we're desperately pleading them for change for more, when they have been successful in breaking us yet again) and calmly and arrogantly say to us "I’ve just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five.... " And eventually they suck so much away we're left mostly dead.
Dated a covert narcissist for 10 years. He did fake accountability when he cheated, and a baby was the result but never did anything to correct or repair, and when it came up again, he said that he never did anything wrong because he wouldn't have his son and he doesn't regret that.
My father has never apologized for anything he’s ever done. At least, not to me or the rest of us in the family. He even once told me “Son, a man should never apologize. It shows weakness.” I’m glad that even at an early age, I could tell that some advice needs to be taken with a grain of salt and a touch of doubt. Don’t blindly follow advice. Question it and make your own informed decisions based on your experience, the experiences of those around you and what is morally and ethically right.
Your simply awesome Jimmy I'm not in a romantic relationship, But so much of what you say helps me in raising my granddaughter God bless you for me finding you
The world revolves around them. They do no wrong. They're always right - it's always the other person's fault and they'll always twist/manipulate and turn things around to make you be the bad person in the situation. They rarely, if ever, will say they're sorry and if they do, they don't mean it because remember....they're never wrong! Not once have I regretted divorcing my narcissistic ex-husband. It's difficult continuing to co-parent with him as our adult autistic son's legal co-guardians though...💯💯💯
Well, yes, that’s exactly right. Adult child viciously cursed me out for no apparent reason after I had opened up the family home to them during the pandemic for many months for free for their safety, and years later to this day after they had moved out they never said they were sorry. Never thought they were capable of uttering such harmful words even though I have seen other behaviors that made me think they were having a bad day. Looks like narcissism is the culprit.
Wow! My ex ruined my life. Never cared when he hurt me, left me for multiple hours at a beach stranded with no ride to take his demanding daughter to a party, left me all dressed up for our date night to take his daughter and friends to a Fright night an hour away, lost our house to not paying the mortgage and stole 18,000 dollars from me(blocked my number and all social media) He moved on as fast as he found me after his ex passed away and snorted 18,000 dollars of my money up his and his new gf's noses. I see him occasionally and he runs the opposite way as quickly as possible so he does not have to face me. He came back from rehab and never apologized for doing anything. Relapsed weeks later with his new gf he met at rehab. Total narcissist and the smallest man who ever lived. I mean smallest man in every aspect of a man.
I will definitely hold myself accountable for when I make a mistake or hurt someone. I will never take responsibility for someone else's feelings and will not apologize for that. No one should ever be forced to be responsible for the feelings of another. Unless induced intentionally of course by manipulative means.
On the flip side, there are those who always want another to take accountability for things they actually shouldn't, or patronize feelings that are so ridiculous or outlandish or played out that they just don't deserve any observance or respect. I have met very self-centered, narcissistic, professional victims who love to call everyone who doesn't entertain their childish behavior a narcissist.
My mother doesn't seem to be a narcissist, but she is someone who never see her mistakes and never ever in her life she said sorry to anyone. She just stops talking to someone until they come to her, did that to me as a child all the time
God bless you and your family always. Thank you for wanting to be a real father, a real brother, the cool wise uncle, that amazing friend that oh so many of us need in our lives❤️🙏🏼❤️
Oh, well, then, if that’s the case, I’m definitely not a narcissist. ..but when I say or do something wrong or inappropriate, I immediately take accountability for it and apologize. ♥️
Hmmmmmm... yes but no:there are SO MANY PEOPLE OUT THERE who can't say "I was wrong" and we all know the lengths they will go to avoid admitting to doing something they shouldn't have done. It is often a tactic of avoidance, of being flooded by too much shame to bear so that they tend to the tactic of casual lying. But these people are no narcists. They are deeply afraid and just scared cowards, not doing the work to look in the mirror and asking themselves ' what is it that acually blackmails me into becoming a bad person that I do not want to be, but can't seem to change? Who is pulling the strings in my life, ME or my fear? Why did I let something else dictate how I am behaving? WHAT am I afraid of by avoiding conflict?" They end up losing people because the choose fear over commitment to themselves and others. Someone in the comments suggested: The test: "When you unintentionally hurt someone" The narcissist: "They're not actually hurt. They're just over-reacting. It's not my fault they're being dramatic." I much prefer this, it is way more clear.
I remember my Ex once again going on and on about how I was too sensitive after he once again offended me deeply with one of his "jokes". The kind of jokes were he apparently would instantly die if he had to take any kind of accountability for. So he went on and on, I was too sensitive, I couldnt take a joke, I had no humor, I could ask ANY other woman of the world and they would agree with him (I could in fact not ask other people about their opinion) So at some point I said "Youre right, I'm too sensitive!" and he got that smug attitude until I said "I am too sensitive to be around an unsensitive person like you, I will always be offended around you! I should go and be around people as sensitive as me" Took him right off his feet 😒 you're never allowed to leave even when you agree with their opinion. They just want you to take the hit. I wasnt sure for a long time but I am now convinved he had at least many personality traits of a Narc. Thankfully he pushed me too far one day and that lead to me finding the love of my life. I am still healing at times but I am happy, the first time my new BF hurt me unitentionally he said "I'm sorry, I did not mean to hurt you like that, I understand how it made you upset" I couldnt comprehend and said I was overreacting and he told me my Emotion are real and that is what matters.
I would caution that they may say they made a mistake early on- when they’re still locking you in- but it’s superficial. They will not say “what can i do? How can i fix this?” because that means you deserve respect, and they don’t believe that. They may even let you express what is bothering you, but it goes in one ear and out the other. They ultimately just state what they need from you
Sorry is a word that has never left my mother’s mouth. Empathy or even support for me as her child is beyond her. The reality of this through therapy is completely overwhelming and yet every time I’ve tried to reach her sympathetic side for the hurt it’s been met with attack and blame as it was my fault. 😢 my heart goes out to all those also in narcissistic relationships
For me; this was something I could relate, to! because I dated; a man who was Secretly, a narcissist!if you are experiencing; this kind of disfunctional relationship, with someone: look at the signs of your friend 's changing behaviors and actions! Is he very inconsiderate; and very selfish, and Abusive? Acts like he doesn't care? then you are involved with a narcissist! Yes; people who are like this, do exist!
My ex told me his therapist said that I am a narcissist, even though I've never met them. I've struggled with this for years and I'm constantly questioning if I am and how to spot it in myself. Thank you for this video and helping me know myself a little bit more.
The test: "When you unintentionally hurt someone"
The narcissist: "They're not actually hurt. They're just over-reacting. It's not my fault they're being dramatic."
They do the same things as psychopaths, hence why both are part of the DSM V Cluster B category.
or even more typically they say the other person is "too sensitive." Infuriating the way they turn it around!
My husband. Am wondering.
@maritaberndt6200 if you're "wondering" then you're probably onto something tbh! There's loads of content on YT, and Jimmy has some great videos.
If you feel like he gaslights you and always makes things HE did your fault (without apologising), then he probably is.
If you're being verbally abused or don't feel safe, get out asap ❤
I was told that I wasn't "hurt", rather it was my EGO and my MORALS that made me upset about what HE felt was nothing. It was MY problem. He hadn't done ANYTHING! Accountability was NOT going to happen. Repair??!! Hell no...
A narcissist can apologize, but they won't be sincere. They're just saying it to get you off their back. They'll never change.😩💔
When I told the narc of his insult, he apologized "if" he offended me -- then defended his remark and tried to get me to accept his logic. I ended the relationship.
@@stevelangely8004 Same here! He several times would underhandedly insult me and then when I'd call him out on it, he denied that's what he meant or deny that's what he even said! I broke things off with him after he gave me the silent treatment for not agreeing with him on an issue. So childish in how they behave.
True. Mine once said, he apologizes now for everything in the future. Think about that one. Thats not only an insincere apology but a manipulation trying to absolve himself from future transgressions while trying to get me off his back. Gas lighting as well. Good that you ended it then and there.
@@stevelangely8004yes mine tried to get me to accept his logic as well many many times.
@@virgochick1 Good that you wised up, dumped him and moved on.
Remember, an apology without action is just an appeasement. If they say sorry but continue the behavior that hurt you, they were just placating you with words. Real apologies are followed by sincere, corrective actions.
He did say "do you apologize when you UNINTENTIONALLY hurt someone." The intentional hurt will easily get apologies from a narcissist since it's part of their game.
The whole country of morocco is in the appeasment limbo. Come and test it! I dare you 😊😅😂
The narc who abused me would absolutely apologize. Sometimes she would say “I’m sorry for my part in it” and tell me to apologize for “my part” . And yes, the narcs are evolving into more and more manipulative monsters.
accountability isn't the same as an apology, it goes much further.
If you don't have empathy you are a narc. Narcs apologize to get the "problem" over with and return to their regularly scheduled program 😂
Yes. They would give me "lip service" to keep me from leaving, then proceed to do the same thing.
This is where the spirit of discernment comes in.
@@realestatecoach8626 please do a little research on “gaslighting”. Unless you’re a narc, then it doesn’t matter
The crazy thing is that most people who have suffered from narcissistic abuse alway wonder if they are narcissists
Bc we start to change slowly in this direction. It is dangerous for the brain. Get out and run is tve only way.❤
@truffaut650truffaut6
Yup, that's what I did.Best decision I've ever made .
a narcissist can fake that. what they can't fake is genuine caring about people.
This is what I think about. I glad I met your comment. -AN
Correct
Narcissist have no emotion no empathy for no one they are always right not wrong and they want to control you at all times.
It's surprising how many people can't say "I was wrong" and the lengths they will go to avoid admitting to doing something they shouldn't have done.
Signs of a very weak man or woman!!!! I’m out at that point! No time for weak people!
I learn more from my mistakes. Its more important to fess up when you f up than it is to say you are right, even if you are..
For example, they will start "apologising" with "I'm actually good guy..."
Exactly... Extremely sad, disappointing and frustrating.. I think before starting a relationship is a point you should check and before agreeing to start a relationship with them.. otherwise it'd be a hell u don't want to get into.. seriously
Narcissists will go to lengths to elicit an apology out of you even over something minor. They will not issue you an apology over anything, even the big things.
I had that experience, unfortunately.
I lived with a narcissist for 5 months. This is true. They'll never even apologize because they can't. They're wired that way.
If they are deeply afraid people...and can never be alone...
They can absolutly say they are sorry but it does not mean that they actually mean it. They come in different flavors, some are more clever then others which I mean some are more able to manipulate then other, they usually say sorry when they can't get away with a behaviour when they either know you are on your way out or when you already made no contact and when they want you back. So even if I would like to believe people can become better be aware you are taking a huge risk, because if they are not serious about wanting to heal they probably will repeating the same behaviour or with time become worse because they can feel they won when you took them back and think you are weak for not standing your ground.
🎉 Good for you that it was only five months.
You don't know what a bullet you dodged!!
And you may think you actually didn't because Of the five months. But You should thank God that it was not five YEARS--or more!
Usually one has much more trouble, Or length of time, rather, of breaking the trauma bond and escaping their grasp.
🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
I lived with a narcissist for 9 years. He never apologized.
Try 20 years. All you can do is just go along with them and avoid contact. Nothing else works
I'm getting tempted to send this to my ex husband, just to show him I'm not the narcissist.
But, the fact that I still need his validation is showing how codependent I truly am.
We all want approval, its human nature. We only exist through the eyes of others.
Also... maybe reflect on that... 1. do YOU want to prove you're not, or 2. do you want HIM to admit he is?
If its the ladder, it ain't gonna happen... if it's the first, you know... you've always known...
Understand: he is equally dependent and terrified of you. He solely believes you are a total c**t and there's nothing you can do or say that will make him change his mind... you also have feelings for him and you're a good person and no matter how cunty he was towards you he couldn't convince you that he's a horrible person. Accept your defeat... you were wrong, can you accept that? He is wrong... and the core of his disorder will NEVER allow him to accept that...
You both convinced each other at times... he convinced you that you were bad and you convinced him you were good (as well as you may have beat him to exhaustion that he did something bad)... but it only lasted so long...
Work on yourself, keep your guard up (he'll always twist whatever you do and say into "she's trying to f*** me... that b****") and know that when he's being nice he's faking it cuz their mojo is "keep your friends close and your enemies - in their case EVERYONE - closer"... and he's terrified of being exposed.
Pray... pray that one day he'll find in himself to be honest... "The truth will set you free".. him, and you... so, was it option 1 or 2? Be honest! 😌
PS. I believe you!
We all want validation, its human nature. We only exist through the eyes of others.
Also... maybe reflect on that... 1. do YOU want to prove you're not, or 2. do you want HIM to admit he is?
If its the ladder, it ain't gonna happen... if it's the first, you know... you've always known...
Understand: he is equally dependent and terrified of you. He solely believes you are a total c**t and there's nothing you can do or say that will make him change his mind... you also have feelings for him and you're a good person and no matter how cunty he was towards you he couldn't convince you that he's a horrible person. Accept your defeat... you were wrong, can you accept that? He is wrong... and the core of his disorder will NEVER allow him to accept that...
You both convinced each other at times... he convinced you that you were bad and you convinced him you were good (as well as you may have beat him to exhaustion that he did something bad)... but it only lasted so long...
Work on yourself, keep your guard up (he'll always twist whatever you do and say into "she's trying to f*** me... that b****") and know that when he's being nice he's faking it cuz their mojo is "keep your friends close and your enemies - in their case EVERYONE - closer"... and he's terrified of being exposed.
Pray... pray that one day he'll find in himself to be honest... "The truth will set you free".. him, and you... so, was it option 1 or 2? Be honest! 😌
PS. I believe you!
We all want validation, its human nature. We only exist through the eyes of others.
Also... maybe reflect on that... 1. do YOU want to prove you're not, or 2. do you want HIM to admit he is?
If its the ladder, it ain't gonna happen... if it's the first, you know... you've always known...
Understand: he is equally dependent and terrified of you. He solely believes you are a total c**t and there's nothing you can do or say that will make him change his mind... you also have feelings for him and you're a good person and no matter how cunty he was towards you he couldn't convince you that he's a horrible person. Accept your defeat... you were wrong, can you accept that? He is wrong... and the core of his disorder will NEVER allow him to accept that...
You both convinced each other at times... he convinced you that you were bad and you convinced him you were good (as well as you may have beat him to exhaustion that he did something bad)... but it only lasted so long...
Work on yourself, keep your guard up (he'll always twist whatever you do and say into "she's trying to f*** me... that b****") and know that when he's being nice he's faking it cuz their mojo is "keep your friends close and your enemies - in their case EVERYONE - closer"... and he's terrified of being exposed.
Pray... pray that one day he'll find in himself to be honest... "The truth will set you free".. him, and you... so, was it option 1 or 2? Be honest! 😌
PS. I believe you!
We all want validation, its human nature. We only exist through the eyes of others.
Also... maybe reflect on that... 1. do YOU want to prove you're not, or 2. do you want HIM to admit he is?
If its the ladder, it ain't gonna happen... if it's the first, you know... you've always known...
Understand: he is equally dependent and terrified of you. He solely believes you are a total c**t and there's nothing you can do or say that will make him change his mind... you also have feelings for him and you're a good person and no matter how cunty he was towards you he couldn't convince you that he's a horrible person. Accept your defeat... you were wrong, can you accept that? He is wrong... and the core of his disorder will NEVER allow him to accept that...
You both convinced each other at times... he convinced you that you were bad and you convinced him you were good (as well as you may have beat him to exhaustion that he did something bad)... but it only lasted so long...
Work on yourself, keep your guard up (he'll always twist whatever you do and say into "she's trying to f*** me... that b****") and know that when he's being nice he's faking it cuz their mojo is "keep your friends close and your enemies - in their case EVERYONE - closer"... and he's terrified of being exposed.
Pray... pray that one day he'll find in himself to be honest... "The truth will set you free".. him, and you... so, was it option 1 or 2? Be honest! 😌
PS. I believe you!
We all want validation, its human nature. We only exist through the eyes of others.
Also... maybe reflect on that... 1. do YOU want to prove you're not, or 2. do you want HIM to admit he is?
If its the ladder, it ain't gonna happen... if it's the first, you know... you've always known...
Understand: he is equally dependent and terrified of you. He solely believes you are a total c**t and there's nothing you can do or say that will make him change his mind... you also have feelings for him and you're a good person and no matter how c**^y he was towards you he couldn't convince you that he's a horrible person. Accept your defeat... you were wrong, can you accept that? He is wrong... and the core of his disorder may not allow him the necessary honesty level to accept that, but who knows... times are changing... the person that is always deficient is himself, after all, the mask stops him from ever getting that validation we all need... he's always hiding behind the mask he erroneously think he needs to wear to get the validation, but even if he gets it... its empty, it does not ultimately validates him because it's not him 😔...
You both convinced each other at times... he convinced you that you were bad and you convinced him you were good (as well as you may have beat him to exhaustion that he did something bad)... but it only lasted so long...
Work on yourself, keep your guard up (he'll always twist whatever you do and say into "she's trying to f*** me... that b****") and know that when he's being nice he's faking it cuz their mojo is "keep your friends close and your enemies - in their case EVERYONE - closer"... and he's terrified of being exposed.
Pray... pray that one day he'll find in himself to be honest... "The truth will set you free" and allow him to get (and give) the validation and connection we all need.
So, was it option 1 or 2? Be honest! 😌
PS. I believe you!
My soon to be ex has said every time I've told him he hurt me that I've hurt him too before I even get an apology. It took over a year for him to even apologize, but when his apologies started after I went to him with an issue, he would want me to apologize to him every time too. I explained to him that this is not how adult conversations go and he will argue with me on this until I'm so exhausted I can hardly talk anymore. This is the hell I've been living for two years and I'm finally applying for my own place, I finally will be able to have peace away from this soul-sucking, crazy-making relationship.
So hear this description...
same for me, but my mind/heart just was ignorant due to my authoritarian upbringing. So enable through my ppl pleasing and co dependencies.
I'm glad you saw the signs now and not twenty plus years later. just watch out for the fallout most Narcs are vindictive and will seek revenge. wish you all the best🎈
They can fake it, just not very well.
My mom always says things like, "I lost my temper and maybe went too far, but YOU needed to be taught a lesson."
Or, "I have become a more patient person, but your BROTHER was sent by God to test me."
It's always someone else's fault.
My husband has NEVER apologized without me apologizing first…. I apologized even when I didn’t do anything wrong just so we can work it out. He also never took accountability for anything …. There was always ‘context’ as to why he didn’t need to take accountability. Talk about it mentally exhausting to deal with for 4 years. So glad I left that toxic dynamic. It was soul sucking.
I might add to this that a true narcissist would recognize what you are getting at and would provide an answer that sounds like they care. They are very good at telling you what you want to hear.
It only lasts so long... whatever they say, actions and even silence speak louder. 😔
A covert narc is playing a sinister long game & can say or do anything to appease… I got flowers, gifts & trips but never a real apology because the truth was he felt sorry for getting caught in a lie or exposed publicly. This is an actual character disorder & no one is home inside that person. It’s just an actor faking lines to appear to be someone who has humanity when in fact that life was destroyed in childhood. A narcissist is only a shallow preadolescent at best. At worst it’s a cunning predator like Ted Bundy
@@caroleminke6116you got it correct doll!!! Truths!
@@caroleminke6116nailed it!
@@caroleminke6116You are an expert!! I married one and 7 years of healing!!! ❤️🩹 still healing!
The narcs are evolving. I've had 2 narcs say they thought they might be. The self awareness made me think they couldn't be. Oh they were. They were just letting me know
Agreed. They recognize it looks good to be concerned that they might be a narcissist.. but they still engage in the same behavior
Not the narcissist evolving lol
Totally, they can absolutely say those words but they don’t mean them at all
Isn’t recognition the first step?
🎯💯 I came to say the same thing. A neighbor I've been dealing w has a good side & dark side. As I got to know him he always brought up his sisters as if to convey understanding & trust. Seemed genuine when he opened up abt PTSD & other issues, incl narcissism. Initially showed remorse(?) despite no issue or need to explain. I've been guarded except when I couldn't pass up help w rides or food (sick, car trouble, etc). He was genuinely kind til recently when his ugly side caused me enormous stress - Narc/BPD red flags everywhere! It confirmed my belief that much of the "good" was manipulation tactics in disguise. My situation & moral character made me an easy target, then 💥! The rage, insults & false accusations exploded on me. He doesn't treat any of his male friends & neighbors like that that. Hard not to take the bait & defend myself but logic & reason, even compassion doesn't help. I never know what mood he'll be in so I ignore his calls. Everyone be alert & aware!
God forbid! DON'T tell the narcissist they'll add that to their playbook and pretend they are!
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
You can seek a help of a counselor but not to bring someone back to you. Your ex partner left you from their own will and the only thing you can do is to respect it. You cannot enforce someone's love even though you obtain an advice of some spiritual guru. These promises are just bullshit. I'm sorry. However I wish you all the best to get trough this hard life period. After you get over it, you become stronger even though you probably do not believe it right now.
A lot of people struggle to be wrong and apologize and they’re not narcissists, but lacking any empathy or regret definitely could make you a narcissist, whereas if you just struggle to say sorry and take accountability, you could struggle with perfectionism, pride, arrogance, or certain issues from your past and working on it would be a huge help.
You are right, yet struggling to apologize is a narcissistic trait. I think most people possess that to some degree. My mom is diagnosed BPD/NPD and she will apologize but it means nothing because her behavior won't change. I believe true narcissistic behavior boils down to the inability to have peaceful, equitable relationships. These relationships are typically high conflict and full of control/guilt issues and very strong aversion to others possessing boundaries of any sort. I figured out my mom was PD because she can't respect boundaries without push back of some sort in a way that doesn't match the boundary.
@@ThePinkPantha21 I agree with all you’re saying but I don’t agree that someone struggling to apologize means they’re a narcissist. That’s being way to simplistic and black and white in a topic where humans are very complex and layered and many struggle to apologize for many different reasons, not just because they’re narcissistic.
Excessive need for grandiosity...
I ponder if the NPD-Touching alarm trigger is when the actions are based of different manifestations of needed "more-worth", needed aggrandizement (one's achievements, possessions, gestures, postures, recognitions) and needed strength-core boosting by inner "lionizing" energies.
Richard Grannon (another youtuber in narcissism teachings) uses the word lionize sometimes. Lionize... I think that paints a picture of their coping buffer for inner low / echo ego.... "why do you need to act outwardly in was that make you feel lionizing" ?
My niece had a narcissistic mom and alcoholic dad. She didn't like apologizing because it showed 'weakness' and she didn't want to be vulnerable around people like that 😢
I think it's important to recognize that there's a difference between being a narcissist and displaying narcissistic behavior (or areas where we lack emotional maturity).
Unfortunately, in our culture, we lack emotional intelligence. This is a widespread cultural issue.
Up until very recently, the dominant paradigms of the time saw emotional needs and injuries as invalid. We blamed and judged people for displaying symptoms of trauma and unmet needs.
Many of us learned to suppress and invalidate our emotional experiences. We were told by unhealthy caregivers that this was "managing" our emotions. We were taught to gaslight ourselves, ie "I shouldn't be feeling that". We learned to abandon ourselves and to mask. We learned to subtly, and not so subtly, sabotage ourselves. We lack empathy for ourselves and many have decades of suppressed and unprocessed trauma, that's easily triggered. We lack the capacity to tolerate and process difficult emotions and either shut down and suppress, or act from deeply ingrained survival strategies. We also can struggle to navigate conflict or express our needs in vulnerable ways (if we even see our needs as valid). Many of us are codependent and either feel responsibility for the emotions of others or attempt to assign responsibility for ours to others. We can be sensitive to feedback and perceived rejection. We can unconsciously manipulate, not only others, but ourselves too. (The tools of manipulation are Fear, Obligation, Guilt, and Shame; FOGS). We can have entitlement issues and attempt to hold people hostage with our emotions. We can justify, defend, or deny our own harmful behavior, "they made me do it", "that's just who I am", "my feelings are valid", etc.
(Your right to authenticity doesn't entitle you to objectify another or ignore consent).
Much of this behavior can be unconscious. Deep beliefs of shame can interfere with self reflection.
Trauma symptoms are not character flaws. But they can damage relationships. It's not our fault that we were injured and never received healthy modeling. But it is our responsibility.
Recognizing we have a need to heal can be difficult. Developing emotional maturity in adulthood isn't easy.
None of this is about blame or fault. It's not about labeling ourselves as narcissistic. It's about practicing compassionate self honesty and recognizing areas where we need to grow.
We grew up in a wounded culture. We were raised by unhealthy caregivers who passed on their unhealed trauma and taught us to be codependent.
There's no shame in that. And no, it doesn't make you a narcissist.
Definitely my husband. And I'm the enabler.
@@maritaberndt6200 I know that's not easy. I'm sorry that's your experience. You deserve to feel safe in your closest relationships.
When someone's not aware of their triggers, or unable to experience difficult emotions, they can be so difficult to be around. I hope you're able to find the healing and support you need. Please be gentle with yourself and recognize the legitimacy of your own emotions. You matter too.
Although it's become easier for me to acknowledge it, sadly, it was me for most of my adult life.
I never had a healthy frame of reference and had no idea that my childhood, that "wasn't that bad" was traumatic, and instilled deep beliefs of shame and unworthiness into my psyche. It was just my "normal". I was one of those people who said "it happened to me and I'm fine". I was so far from fine, but had no idea what healthy even looked like.
I do know that healing is possible though.
If you're open to a couple of resources:
Lindsay Gibbons' work might be helpful for you. She's written several books about interacting and navigating relationships with emotionally immature people. At the very least, you might find her perspectives to be validating. You might also find practical advice for specific issues. She's also been on a lot of podcasts on UA-cam so you can check her out without a financial investment.
I personally use her work to deepen my own self awareness and to learn what I should have in childhood.
Another resource that might be good for both you, and your husband (if he's receptive to watching something), is John Bradshaw's video "Healing the Shame that Binds You". (Also available on UA-cam, look for the version that's an hour long). This was the first video I saw on childhood /multigenerational trauma. It completely opened my eyes. It was life changing, and I'm not exaggerating in the slightest. Just watching it was healing and opened the door for the possibility to change / free myself from my unhealed trauma.
I wish more people were aware of it. It's powerful.
Sending you love and intentions for your healing. 🙏 Again, please be gentle on yourself. You need to be on your own team, especially in your inner world.
@@rochellebroglen4155 thank you. I've read John Bradshaw's work. He has been incredibly helpful to me. I'll look up the other person you suggested. At this stage I'm looking at a separation from my husband because I'm exhausted. I've got an appointment with a solicitor next week. I'm not sure how I'll work things through because I really love my home and have cats (😻😻)and am 63 - but I'm just about ready to live in a tent. Wish me luck. I still care a lot about my husband but I can't keep on living like this. We've tried counselling. It was very unhelpful, unfortunately.
@@rochellebroglen4155hello dear friend, just reading your comments has been healing and calming for me, a first born from a traumatic childhood, who’s been ‘working’ on herself for 35 years (I’m in my 65th year).
Ugh what a road! And, alas, it’s been my road and I look upon it with love, compassion and a little smile….😏
I’ve been called a narcissist by my younger sister, who said she got confirmation about that from 2 mentors from our childhood who were/are life long family friends.
I like your comment:
There is a difference between being a narcissist and showing narcissistic behaviors. Even today, I ask myself, “am I a narcissist?” And a yes answer doesn’t fully resonate…. That’s why I clicked on this short video in the first place.
Thank you again.
I’ll watch and listen to John Bradshaw-- man, that was revolutionary when he came out on PBS decades ago.😮💧🔴💗
Wow this is such a great comment to find. Very informative and well written and well thought out. I’m going to be more sensitive with the labels and try to be more compassionate. This man is so emotionally immature but your comment made me realize I have work to do on myself too because I feel responsible for others and this relationship continues to drain me. His childhood was diabolical, like really horrible abusive and neglectful. I’m really looking forward to exploring emotional maturity books for him, because up until now, I never thought of a way to get him to stop the lying/manipulations/gaslighting, besides just telling him it’s a problem. As I say that, I should know it’s not my responsibility to help him change, but he did ask for help and I was like “help with what?” While thinking to myself, “how am I supposed to help you stop lying 😒”. I’m realizing I’m lacking compassion when talking to him. Like harshly.. and now it’s escalated to me saying “listen bitch..” and texting “f you f you f you” out of anger this week during an argument about lying.. this is the first time I’ve cussed him out and he’s never done that to me. He’s actually somewhat respectful and mindful. Anyways, my comment is becoming a mess, I just want to thank you for opening my eyes and sharing your wisdom. I am going to work on myself, probably after I get him started 😂 (jokingly but not rly lol). For now I’m going to start practicing compassion ❤ ty
Narcs can fake anything, including accountability. They absolutely will say sorry and take all the blame if it will serve the end game.
But it would never be followed by any kind of change in behavior.
More "I deserve my gold star and cookie for apologizing"
My narc husband usually says ‘sorry’ but never explores why/how he acted badly. It’s just words. A few years back he NEVER apologized. Now I’m supposed to be “ah progress! I love you!” but come on…
@@susannewaller9615 THIS! :0 You're absolutely right, they say it and act as though they're automatically 'better' for the words without the action behind it.
Like what, you want me to say congratulations, give you a trophy and surprise you with a birthday cake??? Okay, then start *meaning* it.
"B-But... That's just who I am! I can't change that!"
Alright, well here's a change from me: we're done.
Really wish I had more of a backbone back then but at least that chapter of my life is over. Onto the new n' healthy.
This is why you look at their actions. Once a narcissist finds a way to control someone they are willing to just say sorry but mean something entirely different and not change at all
Another expert! I agree!! Truths! It depends on what the prizes at the end of the game!!!
Most people don't even know what an apology should contain,...they'll be happy with a "sorry"
This❤
I didn't know I was in a relationship for 6 years with a narcissist up until I saw this video. This guy was never sorry! Never wrong!
Same here! But i'm married since 26 years. I met him very young. Now i will leave him as soon as possible.
Except he’s explicitly wrong. How the fuck do you think people get diagnosed with npd? What do you think they work towards in therapy?
My father prides himself on never ever apologising to anyone for anything ever 👍🏼
My ex boyfriend couldn’t take any feedback whatsoever, he viewed everything as a personal attack, which led me to just not say anything and become more and more resentful. 😮
Very true… no accountability whatsoever.
Jimmy's ability to articulate these nuanced subjects is incredible and so very helpful.
So people with NPD have a fear of being forgotten/unloved. Now remember this and you’ll understand why they do the things they do, as this fear is motivating them to act in ways so you don’t ever forget them, even the bad things they do. They are trying to be unforgettable in your memory. That’s the end goal with everyone they know or meet. They rather be hated and remember, than unloved and forgotten.
Ironically, that's what happens eventually. They're everywhere. You remember the traits and forget the individual because they're all basically the same person with different names and faces. If anything, it's like remembering a franken-narc. 🧟♂️🧟♀️😂
This makes sense in the context of someone's harassment and mistreatment of me over many, many years. Oh, i will " always" remember " the day" and the "C" and the " sea day". This was plànted into communications OVER and OVER and OVER again. The very gaurantee that i would never forget " them" or their many fake masks! God has protected and preserved my very mental health IN SPITE OF their evil efforts, fueled by their openness to allowing Satan to have his influence to control their behavior and choices. Oh, i will never forget ANY of you. I FORGIVE ALL OF YOU, even though you relentlessly continue to attack me and " attempt" to manipulate and control me. I know it is so very frustrating to you all, that I will STAND MY GROUND WHERE ( MY ) HOPE CAN BE FOUND! My hope will " always" be in my Lord Jesus Christ, my Savior, who alone saves me, now and forever!
Absolutely 💯 truth. The narcissist in my life NEVER apologizes insteads blames others. I'm still waiting for him to empathise over the loss of my beloved❤ 14yr old pet and the loss of my eldest sister! ❤😢🙈💔
sorry 4 ur loss ❤
Some will and they are master manipulators so be careful! The covert
@virginia Sorry for your loss. You may be waiting quite a while for empathy. Instead, try to accept what has happened and start your healing process without waiting on someone's actions.❤❤
I used to have a hard time with admitting I was wrong because I was a perfectionist (due to living with someone with judgmental narcissistic tendencies).
I felt like I had to be perfect to be good enough to be loved or liked or accepted. So any mistake I made was a disaster and hard to admit to even to myself.
I am far from a narcissist, but it did take me time to get over that and come to the point when I am okay with mistakes I make and have no problem taking accountability.
That last part about change and behavior. I would rather be single and happy than fighting for someone who refuses to committ to doing this.
I know of narcissists who do the total opposite of what you're saying.
They hurt or harm someone and totally spin it around. They say, "I shouldn't have blah, blah, blah... " And then they go into a diatribe of how this has impacted Them and Their life. And "I shouldn't have ... (more blah blah blah) And they proceed with "I Am..." because of this happening. All for pity from anyone listening. Everyone should feel badly for this better-than-everyone unflawed person who actually did cause harm or hurt to someone else, gloss over it to make themselves a martyr. They admit they did it, zip right past it to how They were harmed and hurt. They do a complete 180.
Narcissists also have no interest in internal self improvement.
So true of the narcissists i know so well.
an actual narcissist wouldnt even bother asking that question bc it means they might be flawed in some way..
Love this.
You are just wrong. How do you think people get diagnosed with npd?
There are types of narcissists and for him to club them all into one is unfair. My parents, both narcs, were very different from each other. They've been terrible parents (and sadly humans), but my mom has come a long way from who she was. I can now be in the same room as her. My dad, on the other hand, passed away without ever seeing any fault in himself. A narc can introspect and him saying this can lead many people down a wrong path!
There are also covert narcissists who use "being flawed" or having "made a mistake" as a defence or an excuse. Like my abuser...
So this video is not 100% accurate.
Plus, narcissists hurt people intentionally. That's literally the nature of abuse.
@@Analysis_Paralysis yes, I agree. I wanted you to know how your voew are refreshing and I clusive. Your perspective leaves the viewer, me, able to breathe and listen.
@@TamaraKoontz Thank you, dear!
I've lived with a narcissist cousin and if you are actively working on yourself, and you are not careful about sharing bits of self-realizations here and there, the narcissist would use that as a tool. They would then say the same lines like apologies and making it seem sincere. Faking accountability is not a hard thing to do, especially of they can gain your trust and make them seem the bigger person. Always discern the intention of the person, that's the only way to tell who's a narcissist or not.
If you can be at peace that they mean well, that they gain nothing from every bit of "kindness" they've shown you, if you can't detect an ounce of power play, then that person is not a narcissist.
They hurt you, but only on purpose
LOL 😅 Yep!
"Followed by actual change in behaviour" is the key point. Saying sorry is just performative empathy. Actions, not words, matter.
Your description of accountability by apologizing for hurting someone is actually a very American cultural trait. As a person who is from another culture but grew up in the US, for over 50 years, I can tell you that "accountability" is a wonderful American value. It is why Americans are some of the best people on earth!!!
Narcissists that are on a spectrum will even fake apologize, love bomb to get what they want with no intentions of repairing. Instead, they would prefer to start the entire abuse cycle all over again with an even deeper wound.
One ex narc wrote one long pathetic stupid apology letter after another stupid apology letter, they never improved, they get a whole lot worse....
@@narcicide8814 oh my god 😮💨🙄😭
Yes or when you get sick, they cannot show empathy and may even abuse during your time of being sick or show you little to no comfort, compassion or mercy. This was 100% in all situations I've noticed.
True! My partner hasn't apologised even once in our years of relationship!
Not only will some narc's apologize, they will shed tears.
If you get a narsist to go to therapy and when he comes back he doesn't make fun of the therapist, you have done a great job.
This happened in our marital counseling therapy. My husband never outwardly criticized our therapist, though after a very short couple of visits he stopped trying and refused to continue to do the assigned therapy suggestions, exercises and readings. When we as the group of three, decided the therapist would see my husband alone for awhile (since couple's therapy clearly was not effective) my husband went to one session and it was done. Yep. One and done. Just like usual!
@@annsmithwick264I hate when they go to therapy and then refuse to do any assignments
@Discordia5 What is the point of paying for the " expert" advice and then refusing to at least attempt to comply? He never considered or suggested a second opinion, as in trying another therapist. My husband just wanted that little exercise to end. It had only taken me 40 plus years to get him into a therapist's office with me. I was ALWAYS the identified problem, TO HIM.
Another favorite of narcs seems to be convincing the therapist that you are in fact the problem and getting the therapist to gang up on you. Even though they aren't doing any of the assigned work and you are..
@@rainbowconnectedyes, they lie to therapist and receive validation; so after therapy return even stronger/ worse on you.
The way to determine a narcissist is judging “if they have integrity” in all areas.
And don’t take fake apologies (usually this is what I regret … I’d only I had…) for that apology
Many people including me have been tricked over and over again … by the sincere fake apology
It’s their actions…you will know them by their fruit
Narcissists don't care about other people's feelings. They seek to deliberately hurt you to get their ego boost. They will not tell you that they're sorry.
I have never met anyone in my life that apologized like that
Me neither.
I hope you do. It shouldn't be rare. There's no reason everyone couldn't show such respect and kindness if they actually did the work to heal their own trauma and then learn some basic communication skills. Well, with the obvious exception of those who lack any empathy. Even then, I think empathy is a skill that can be learned. But the person has to choose to do that work because they want to, not for an external motivation.
I feel relieved because I have apologized when I knew I should.
I live with someone like this. In five years, i can count the number of times they held themselves accountable to something that they did and apologized. Each time was something small and not very important lol. Its actually crazy. Ive tried to point it out but its useless, and i end up feeling like the bad guy everytime. Even if i am the one who is hurt. Its always turned on me. No matter what. Ive come to terms that they actually dont care and any negative things i bring up makes me the bad guy. I have to ignore everything and always be the positive and grateful one no matter how mean they are. Until i cant take it anymore and am forced to stand up for myself so its a choose your battles situation. Almost like a job lol. This is why money is important because you can get stuck with terrible people. Let's pray for this world.❤
This just made me cry because it made me recall all those long hours I spent trying to explain to my ex what accountability is and why I expected and deserved it. It sounds so silly that I had to explain this to a grown-up person. I shouldn't have wasted so much time trying to get accountability out of him.
I apologize even when I bump into someone mistakenly, so when I do hurt someone unintentionally, if someone explains to me that they feel hurt by my actions, I am quick to apologize than I am to find an excuse to not acknowledge the person hurt.
I know a few ppl i live with, who don't apologize when they hurt anyone. Or if they do it's a fake apology n they continue to do the same things without caring about anyone else in the house. They've done it to me so many times, I just keep my distance from them till I can move out.
Can't wait to move out lol
I go as far as feeling bad for days, even after an apology…
@@rotcivsi esa es una señal, que estas en con la energia equivocada.
@@rotcivsi yup, same. I'll think of ways to fix the situation or to put them at ease to show I care. The empathy is strong.
Amazing content Jilmmy
My about to be ex is definitely a Narcissist. Ive become numb in the relationship and no longer talk about my emotional needs because theyll never be met. Even simple things like a call to check up in me have become a burden.😅😅😅 Lord i thank You.
Veryyy true
And they are false on whom they say they are and won’t promise anything.
Whenever my ex hurt me, and I told him he would have a meltdown about how he was an awful person, he can’t be loved, and suddenly I’d be the one comforting him even though he hurt me. And whenever I would try to talk about it from my side he would freak out and ask why I wanted to be with him or would relentlessly argue with me over it and then claim it was in some way or another my fault. I remember the level of confusion and chaos that happened so clearly and how no conflict ever really felt resolved for me because of his behavior.
Luckily, my partner now really listens to me. If he did something to hurt me (never over anything big, even when really I’m being quite irrational) he comforts me, validates my perspective and actually works to never do the same thing again. He can still feel overwhelmed and confused too depending on the conflict but when that happens he communicates it and never blames me for it and doesn’t have a meltdown. The difference is astounding and our relationship is much better, happier and safer.
Crazy making
I'm sorry you went through that and am so glad you're safe and happy now! What you describe is so relatable and makes me feel less alone. I've been through the same thing of him hurting me, then having a meltdown about how he's unlovable, unworthy and then letting me comfort him and try to assure him of the good I see. It's beyond crazy making. No matter how hurt I am, he always has to be the center of attention and the victim. I don't think my heart can take it anymore.
Thank you for sharing and reminding me that there actually are loving, respectful people out there who show it consistently. This gives me hope that real love might still be out there for me.
How about if he says it's their fault and they are sorry but never do anything to solve it. They expect the "sorry" to be the all end all
Behavior trumps talk 👄!
And if you can't instantly forgive them as if nothing ever happened, you're the horrible person that makes everything about yourself.
YEEEES my dad will apologize but he expects that to be enough. No effort to hear out my feelings or attempt to make up for past behavior or even improve behavior.
My ex would say sorry as a word, frequently as many as 10 times a day for 7½ years but not one was heartfelt. They can fake being sorry, showing fake concern, more study is definitely required.
If they think they deserve to be praised when doing something wrong, then that's such a twisted frame of mind
I had such a problem with accepting my husband was a narcissist. This makes it crystal clear
Yeah you just described the experience of trying to get my parents to apologize for absolutely anything.
I've noticed some narcissists are actually learning to cope with an Ego blow if it can atill be used to get them what they want later.
They're smart. They're learning. They know we have ways to sus them out, and they know they have to adapt if they want to continue manipulating.
A Narcissist cannot be spotted solely through their words. You HAVE to compare their words to their actions. If you think someone is a Narcissist, spend a solid week or two paying very close attention to what they say, and then compare it to what they do. That will be your true show of character.
Unintentional? That's the justification he used to absolve himself of accountability! Repair, as if 😂 Narc, maybe, maybe not. It doesn't matter. We're no longer a couple. 🎉 Jimmy, ❤ your content
Be very careful they can fake empathy! They can feed you shakespearean lines to the core!
I feel pity for the narcissists, they are so empty inside. I’m a free spirit, real, authentic and I live everyday like my last with love peace and gratitude ❤
My SIL’s idea of an apology is saying “We’re just going to have to agree to disagree.”.
That’s exactly spot on. My x was a strong textbook narcissist and spilling over into a sociopath/psychopath on the spectrum. No he wouldn’t ever take accountability and he always had to be praised. Nor did he ever have any interest in repairing broken ruptured connection due to his behavior. He could never ever admit his part in anything. Great insight. As great as he was at faking things, and creating a false persona, that is probably the only thing they can’t fake. Very very destructive man. Could even cause enough injury as to cause a death, but he wouldn’t feel remorse, bcuz to do that would be to admit accountability.
I've been dealing with this for the last 12years. It's changed my whole outlook on life and I'm running out of ways to survive. I was so independent before this toxic person came along and now I'm given bread crumbs so I'm not even able to properly prepare for me and my son to leave. My son tells me every day that we need to get away from this, but it's impossible for me to make ends meet on my own and he knows that. He has no intention that aren't for his own benefit and I wish I could leave. FJB! As well as Insley!
This is very concerning to me.
Sister, I do not pretend to know, only have my own experiences, which are different.
Walk out and leave everything.
If you have family, friends, a congregation, show up at their door.
Are you in the US? There are many shelters to help us.
I agree you need to get out.
This is abuse, find a women's shelter if you can or see if their is anyone you can stay with. This is not OK, for you or your son. He can see that and he's a kid. I wish you well. Take courage ❤
What does Joe Biden have to do with your situation?
FJB?? Um ??? What??! You do realize that a lot of narcissists are on the other side right?? Like DJT is absolutely the "best most perfect most awesome.. the greatest" narcissistic personality ...
@@princessbuttercup8954his administration cut funding for domestic violence, hence there aren’t enough beds and shelters and advocates and support groups and classes and tampons and toothpaste and and and. There is not enough.
The narcissist I have to deal with at this time is the worst I have had to endure. When I asked what is hurting them so badly that they have to hurt me, they broke down and admitted they didn't know why they had no empathy and would have ruined their children if they ever had them. It didn't last. They doubled down after that because we are dealing with the literal demons that feed them rewarding them for hurting innocent people. It's their addiction.
This is so true. My family lacks any capability of empathising or acknowledging someone else's feelings and experiences. Hurting someone is not a concept they can fathom since nothing is ever their fault. Same with my ex. It's great to be in a place where they have no impact on my life anymore. Thank goodness for healthy and wholesome friendships and relationships.
Thank you so much. I could not understand this behaviour in my ex. I was feeling so rejected by him but now I feel so much freedom.
Thank you for taking away that feeling of rejection. Now I understand my reaction as well.
This is a great way to detect a Narcissist! Thank you for your great explanations about very complicated people!😊❤🎉
My gf in an abusive Narc relationship asked me if she was a narcissist today.
As a survivor myself, I have great empathy for her and my partner and I are trying to support her however we can.
It’s a horror show right now. His abuse and narcissistic rage is in full swing. There’s 5 children in the house and he cares nothing for how his words and actions affect them.
I feel it’s much like bad guys don’t ask if they are bad guys, they just are and enjoy what they do.
Narcissists are no different.
If you’re asking out loud if you’re a narcissist.
It’s highly unlikely.
Narcissists are not that self aware or capable of true growth through self reflection.
Be kind to yourself and each other out there ❤
" followed by actual change of behaviour"...I had everything, even the change afterwards...for some months....😅 then back to the same (divorced now)
I think he means sustained consistent change in behavior. They may change ... But only for a little. Just to make us think "huh, maybe he can change this time. Maybe I did something to trigger him and that's why he acts the way he does. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am just overreacting..... " We get stuck in the cycle again and each time the self doubt and confusion slowly eat away at our self esteem, self trust, and independence. People refer to them as vampires because of them sucking our life away. I feel it is more like being hooked up to The Machine from Princess Bride. They vary the amounts of pain they want us to endure. Then stand there watching us writhe in pain. They get that smirk, (we all know the smirk. The one that creeps on their face when we're hurt, when we're desperately pleading them for change for more, when they have been successful in breaking us yet again) and calmly and arrogantly say to us "I’ve just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five.... " And eventually they suck so much away we're left mostly dead.
@@katrinar2071I feel this deep in my weary, dry, pain riddled bones.
Dated a covert narcissist for 10 years. He did fake accountability when he cheated, and a baby was the result but never did anything to correct or repair, and when it came up again, he said that he never did anything wrong because he wouldn't have his son and he doesn't regret that.
Unfortunately, they also intentionally hurt you, and often enjoy your hurt, discomfort, pain , confusion.
My father has never apologized for anything he’s ever done. At least, not to me or the rest of us in the family. He even once told me “Son, a man should never apologize. It shows weakness.”
I’m glad that even at an early age, I could tell that some advice needs to be taken with a grain of salt and a touch of doubt. Don’t blindly follow advice. Question it and make your own informed decisions based on your experience, the experiences of those around you and what is morally and ethically right.
Your simply awesome Jimmy I'm not in a romantic relationship, But so much of what you say helps me in raising my granddaughter God bless you for me finding you
If anything they do gets criticized they will try and get revenge on the critic. It's a downward spiral, out of control.
These videos are instrumental in keeping me in check and avoiding people that I need to. Thank you ❤❤❤
The way you articulate these things is genius!
The world revolves around them. They do no wrong. They're always right - it's always the other person's fault and they'll always twist/manipulate and turn things around to make you be the bad person in the situation. They rarely, if ever, will say they're sorry and if they do, they don't mean it because remember....they're never wrong! Not once have I regretted divorcing my narcissistic ex-husband. It's difficult continuing to co-parent with him as our adult autistic son's legal co-guardians though...💯💯💯
Well, yes, that’s exactly right. Adult child viciously cursed me out for no apparent reason after I had opened up the family home to them during the pandemic for many months for free for their safety, and years later to this day after they had moved out they never said they were sorry. Never thought they were capable of uttering such harmful words even though I have seen other behaviors that made me think they were having a bad day. Looks like narcissism is the culprit.
My mom would rather double down than apologizing.
Wow! My ex ruined my life. Never cared when he hurt me, left me for multiple hours at a beach stranded with no ride to take his demanding daughter to a party, left me all dressed up for our date night to take his daughter and friends to a Fright night an hour away, lost our house to not paying the mortgage and stole 18,000 dollars from me(blocked my number and all social media) He moved on as fast as he found me after his ex passed away and snorted 18,000 dollars of my money up his and his new gf's noses. I see him occasionally and he runs the opposite way as quickly as possible so he does not have to face me. He came back from rehab and never apologized for doing anything. Relapsed weeks later with his new gf he met at rehab. Total narcissist and the smallest man who ever lived. I mean smallest man in every aspect of a man.
A narc wouldn't even question themselves They don't really have a conscious
I will definitely hold myself accountable for when I make a mistake or hurt someone. I will never take responsibility for someone else's feelings and will not apologize for that.
No one should ever be forced to be responsible for the feelings of another. Unless induced intentionally of course by manipulative means.
Well....narc would never admit that they don't take an accountability
I take accountability all the time even when I don’t feel I’m in the wrong
On the flip side, there are those who always want another to take accountability for things they actually shouldn't, or patronize feelings that are so ridiculous or outlandish or played out that they just don't deserve any observance or respect. I have met very self-centered, narcissistic, professional victims who love to call everyone who doesn't entertain their childish behavior a narcissist.
Total and complete confirmation that the person I’m thinking of is in fact a narcissist
My mother doesn't seem to be a narcissist, but she is someone who never see her mistakes and never ever in her life she said sorry to anyone. She just stops talking to someone until they come to her, did that to me as a child all the time
actions speak louder than words
God bless you and your family always. Thank you for wanting to be a real father, a real brother, the cool wise uncle, that amazing friend that oh so many of us need in our lives❤️🙏🏼❤️
Oh, well, then, if that’s the case, I’m definitely not a narcissist.
..but when I say or do something wrong or inappropriate, I immediately take accountability for it and apologize.
♥️
Hmmmmmm... yes but no:there are SO MANY PEOPLE OUT THERE who can't say "I was wrong" and we all know the lengths they will go to avoid admitting to doing something they shouldn't have done.
It is often a tactic of avoidance, of being flooded by too much shame to bear so that they tend to the tactic of casual lying. But these people are no narcists. They are deeply afraid and just scared cowards, not doing the work to look in the mirror and asking themselves ' what is it that acually blackmails me into becoming a bad person that I do not want to be, but can't seem to change? Who is pulling the strings in my life, ME or my fear? Why did I let something else dictate how I am behaving? WHAT am I afraid of by avoiding conflict?" They end up losing people because the choose fear over commitment to themselves and others.
Someone in the comments suggested:
The test: "When you unintentionally hurt someone"
The narcissist: "They're not actually hurt. They're just over-reacting. It's not my fault they're being dramatic."
I much prefer this, it is way more clear.
I remember my Ex once again going on and on about how I was too sensitive after he once again offended me deeply with one of his "jokes". The kind of jokes were he apparently would instantly die if he had to take any kind of accountability for.
So he went on and on, I was too sensitive, I couldnt take a joke, I had no humor, I could ask ANY other woman of the world and they would agree with him (I could in fact not ask other people about their opinion)
So at some point I said "Youre right, I'm too sensitive!" and he got that smug attitude until I said "I am too sensitive to be around an unsensitive person like you, I will always be offended around you! I should go and be around people as sensitive as me"
Took him right off his feet 😒 you're never allowed to leave even when you agree with their opinion. They just want you to take the hit.
I wasnt sure for a long time but I am now convinved he had at least many personality traits of a Narc.
Thankfully he pushed me too far one day and that lead to me finding the love of my life.
I am still healing at times but I am happy, the first time my new BF hurt me unitentionally he said "I'm sorry, I did not mean to hurt you like that, I understand how it made you upset"
I couldnt comprehend and said I was overreacting and he told me my Emotion are real and that is what matters.
Very very true!! Thank you for understanding what I’ve been through.
I would caution that they may say they made a mistake early on- when they’re still locking you in- but it’s superficial. They will not say “what can i do? How can i fix this?” because that means you deserve respect, and they don’t believe that. They may even let you express what is bothering you, but it goes in one ear and out the other. They ultimately just state what they need from you
👍 such a clear, helpful definition. Thank you 🇬🇧
Sorry is a word that has never left my mother’s mouth. Empathy or even support for me as her child is beyond her. The reality of this through therapy is completely overwhelming and yet every time I’ve tried to reach her sympathetic side for the hurt it’s been met with attack and blame as it was my fault. 😢 my heart goes out to all those also in narcissistic relationships
For me; this was something I could relate, to! because I dated; a man who was Secretly, a narcissist!if you are experiencing; this kind of disfunctional relationship, with someone: look at the signs of your friend 's changing behaviors and actions! Is he very inconsiderate; and very selfish, and Abusive? Acts like he doesn't care? then you are involved with a narcissist! Yes; people who are like this, do exist!
My ex told me his therapist said that I am a narcissist, even though I've never met them. I've struggled with this for years and I'm constantly questioning if I am and how to spot it in myself. Thank you for this video and helping me know myself a little bit more.