BPD Strategies & Techniques for Parents & Partners
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- Опубліковано 21 лис 2024
- Order The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook by Dr. Fox: goo.gl/LQEgy1
Dr. Fox offers consultation sessions to help you learn more about your BPD:
www.drdfox.com...
This video is going to address issues that often arise when someone you love has BPD. There are things you can do to make their life, and yours easier. Are these magical tricks and tips, no. Are these things that will require you to do and think things differently about the person you love? YES.
One of the greatest challenges for those with BPD is managing the disorder within an environment of stigma. You may know exactly what I’m saying, like trying to find a therapist or a professional to help when that person finds out about the Dx of BPD. BPD is the most successfully treated PD, individuals with BPD can learn how to manage symptom distress and improve interpersonal functioning, and that remission of symptoms is highly likely - in 78-99% of individuals with BPD (research articles are at the end of the comments section).
A personality disorder is just that a disorder, and the personality side of it means that they have developed, over decades in many cases, maladaptive patterns that are destructive to themselves, you, and their life and yours.
Let me tell you the 4 things you can do to help your loved one get to achieve symptom remission?
1. Don’t blame it all on BPD - when your loved one has an emotional instance or reaction, don’t blame it all on BPD.
2. Transparency - Because BPD is based on fear of abandonment, loss, and poor ability to assess situations accurately the loved one needs to be fully transparent.
3. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries - You should not be the receptacle of abuse, but don’t encourage it either.
4. Take care of yourself.
Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 15 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.
He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:
The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook: An Integrative Program to Understand and Manage Your BPD. Available at: goo.gl/LQEgy1
Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Workbook: Treatment Strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Gold Award Winner): goo.gl/BLRkFy
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Toolbox: 55 Practical Treatment Techniques for Clients, Their Parents & Their Children (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Silver Award Winner):: goo.gl/sZYhym
The Clinician’s Guide to Diagnosis and Treatment of Personality Disorders: goo.gl/ZAVe9v
Dr. Fox maintains a website of various treatment interventions focused on working with and attenuating the symptomatology related to individuals along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum (www.drdfox.com).
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Dr. Fox’s website: www.drdfox.com/
Facebook: / appliedpsychservices
Twitter: / drdanieljfox1
LinkedIn: / drdfox
Instagram: / drdfox
Amazon Author’s Page: amazon.com/author/drfox
Videos edited by Emil Christopher: emilchristopheredits@gmail.com
Citations:
Zanarini, M. C., Frankenburg, F. R., Reich, D. B., & Fitzmaurice, G. (2012). Attainment and stability of sustained symptomatic remission and recovery among patients with borderline personality disorder and axis II comparison subjects: a 16-year prospective follow-up study. American Journal of Psychiatry, 169(5), 476-483.
McMain, S., Links, P. S., Guimond, T., Wnuk, S., Eynan, R., Bergmans, Y., & Warwar, S. (2013). An exploratory study of the relationship between changes in emotion and cognitive processes and treatment outcome in borderline personality disorder. Psychotherapy Research, 23(6), 658-673.
When i was a CHILD i remember telling my mom “i feel like I’m just sitting watching everyone else live their life and I’m just watching mine stand still.” She said “thats a sad way to feel”. Your mason jar analogy fits what ive felt my whole life. I start therapy this week. I’m 32! Looking forward to it!
Hi AD. I can resonate w you, I was literally just talking to my friend about this tonight 🙏best wishes to you, & never forget how strong you are.✨
My husband has BPD and this seems an accurate description. He feels left out of our own family.
I still feel this way often.
It is like being a shadow or a ghost.
People are around, living their lives, but I am like transparent, not here, like from an other dimension.
It also feels deeply heartbreaking, and so unfair!
I really wish it is only a symptom of bpd/cptsd and not my reality; I cant really know now.
I need to hug a dog I think😅
I am sure your therapy will help you a lot! It is a big part of the remission to recognize that help is vital, to trust again.
@@RAMomof5T1D2 That's how I felt and still do after loosing them.
Took the words out of my mouth, I've felt this since my dad left and then passed in my late teens.
No other channel offers any actionable suggestions when in a BPD relationship. No one else offers hope. Amazing perspective.
I’t didn’t work for me. Maybe his new girlfriend that has a degree in psychology like me. You can’t change people that say they want to change but don’t. He never had time to work on self growth. I think it’s awesome when people work on their self.
@@Portia620 I’m not sure about that either. My ex was involved in 3 “transformation” workshops that was designed by a psychologist. I believe they were developed to “help you become your best self.” Her motto became, “Be bold. Be brave. Be you.” She had no outward sign that she lacked self esteem. In fact, quite the opposite and became one of their coaches. She journaled every sign day. I didn’t read it but it seemed to involve a childhood trauma that she continued to fight. I thought the journal was causing her to relive the trauma and allow it to dominate her life. My point is, her entire focus was on her self, and her growth, mentally and physically, to a point that she was toxic in a relationship. I didn’t try to change her, just understand and love her. But I often wondered if she was a better person prior to her “transformation.”
For partners that need help with developing their boundaries, a good resources Dr. Romani's videos on narcissistic abuse. Because sometimes there are reasons why a partner might want to stay in the relationship, but they need really strong boundaries.
I have some advice: If your partner has BPD and they drink, run. Do not stay. It is not worth it.
@@MWRoss Can you explain?
Hi my bpd friends. Big hug with love to all 💖💋
Big hugs!! 🌸🌸
@@KimPosteryournewpenpal ❤🌺🌹 smiles and hugs back
Big hugs!!! I could use a BPD friend!!!! No one gets me!!!
I really needed this today thank you.
Thank youuuuu
"Maybe they're worried about you because bpd plays tricks: maybe you're gonna cheat on them, maybe you're gonna die in an accident, maybe you're gonna get kidnapped, I don't know, so text them "I'm fine" and throw an emoji in there to make them feel better" LOL I feel targeted but that's extremely accurate. I always feel better when my partner checks in with me and sends me a heart or whatever, it is like a weight lifted off of my chest because I know they are safe and alive and they still love me.
This come off as negative but you are so right. My ex actually told me that check ins are important cause it calms anxiety and it's nice when they're thought of. I didn't feel like he was controlling but I can see how someone else might. Everyone has comfort needs.
This is helpful to know and also in general, people with BPD have a Love Language just like everyone else.
However, “checking in” (unless I’m going to return later than I said) is totally outside of my personal boundaries, and I can’t see how that doesn’t open the door to controlling or manipulative behavior.
Totally agree with this... unless it's a more intense or unmanageable level of BPD that one suffers from, in that case the thoughts and feelings have already taken over... I'm really glad it works for you though :)
@@interestinglyenough7601 well the point is to minimize the possible emotional reactions of the person. I know that if I don't hear from my significant other, at the time, I get worried that something happened. It may seem ridiculous, but I start to panic. I get so scared I will cry so I have to stay distracted. It is something that people with BPD can work on, but until there is a plan for that, it is helpful to the relationship and the person, I think. My ex didn't understand, but I tried to work on it. I got better at not messaging, but the whole time I didn't, I worried. Just my two cents.
@@rosem5558 people can come back from that. Unless they kill themselves.
I think it’s absolutely vital that the whole family learns DBT Skills. This is called a person’s ‘circle of care’.
Do you have a link you could share?
Absolutely. I'm pretty angry because I don't feel things went like they could have if I had been in the loop of what really was going on. Of course I knew the diagnosis, but had no clue what to expect or how to help and react. Everything was reactionary and fearful. My loved one an adult so I wasn't included voluntarily. I made many mistakes.
@@Noahsoak hi
I feel that way too
By any chance. do you have a useful link to share ?
Hi. do you have a useful link or something for parents of adult children with undiagnosed BPD
@@janicemarticorena2482 hope someone will reply! In the same boat!
Dr Fox is literally one of the only people who provide online resources for BPD that humanizes us and treats us with compassion, and provides tangible support.
You’re the best. I’ll never be tired to say that I wish so much you were my therapist 😭
Honestly, I kind of wish he was my therapist too lol. But I have a good therapist, I just feel overwhelmed.
Is your current therapist helping you?
I was really thinking the same thing for the past couple of videos now. I have no therapists. I split with that a long time ago. So for now his videos will have to do. May shorten my installment pain plan that I really didn't know I had🤔😊
Setting and maintaining boundaries is the most common challenge that I have.
Boundaries are definitely important! It's a continuous process of learning and growing.
I just want to tell you the way you speak FOR US , means everything to someone like me. Thank you for caring, thank you for you taking the time out your days to make so many videos that are seriously helpful, and positively speaking about recovery
It's life saving
As a parent, I feel helpless and hopeless most days. Thank you for giving me some hope.
@Rebecca Chapman i second that
i hear you
As a child in its twenties with BPD, I am glad that especially my mum never gave up on me. And I think nowadays she feels rewarded for that, because all our joint efforts to get the disorder in control actually started to bloom more than ever. Back in time we would argue when I visit her for a day or two. Short time ago I visited her for full two weeks without major trouble. It is the result of very hard work and true love.
I just got the official diagnosis from Dr for my 19 year old . ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ you just gave another mum some hope. You got this kiddo!!!
Your general points are accurate. However, perhaps the most important suggestion is missing: to motivate the affected individual to assume more personal responsibility for their problems and suffering. One way to do so is to get help. To that end, others can help them find and begin services with treatment groups, psychologists, psychiatrists, NAMI). These patients are best served by teams and that’s great as family and friends benefit from the extra support. In addition, support groups for them exist too!
👍Being inconsistent with boundaries as a trigger to Abandonment feelings in a BPD individual is SO helpful!
Glad you found the video helpful.
Sometimes my partner or friends might feel reluctant to set boundaries with me because they don't want to be "mean," but I really need others to be clear with their boundaries and to keep reminding me where their boundaries are. Because when I cross someone's boundaries, I feel terrible shame and guilt afterwards. So please say "ouch" or "stop" right away instead of trying to endure it. My own empathy will put the brakes on my aggressive behavior as soon as I get that clear feedback.
i dont understand that sentence
BPD responses, like anger episodes, I always describe as "being a bigger threat than what hurt you" and then I feel IMMENSE guilt after it. it feels like I'm standing in the rubble I've created myself. This video is so validating. THIS is why your approach MATTERS to people with BPD. Thank you so, so much.
I dated the extreme BPD for a year and a half. Broke my heart, but opened my eyes.
Omg transparency is everything. I am literally like a sniffer dog. Constantly assessing the situation. Boundaries double standards and communication are key....otherwise my head spins with a multitude of negative and failure narratives.
I used to describe being in my head , was like six reel to reel playing different movies at once This is the best advice I've heard for BPD. I was in my 40s and had been in pscych therapy since age 12,and didn't KNOW this was what I have. I have co- occuring disorders, 5 mental "disorders" and Fragile X Syndrome. I can't say well this Is from this and that is from blank, they overlap. And let me also say NOT ALL BPDS HAD ABUSIVE HORRIBLE PARENTS!!!!
As a BPD person, one thing that has created even more baggage that I bring to my current relationship is that I had so many interactions with toxic abusive people in the past. Those people knew I was an easy target.
And actually that's also true for my partner, who does not have BPD but was emotionally abused by family members and past partners. That means when I'm distressed and starting to get aggressive because my brain is telling me to defend myself, my partner is reminded of these horrible selfish people from their past who were just abusing them out of selfishness with no empathy for the suffering they were causing.
I call it "trigger ping-pong"! We used to trigger each other endlessly until we both went into meltdowns. But now that we understand the phenomenon, whoever recognizes it first will call "hug therapy" and we silently hug. Reconnecting with each other calms down the adrenaline.
I'm also learning little by little that I can take space for myself to process emotions on my own. I practice mindfulness and I spend time outdoors. I also write notes on my phone when I need to vent about something - instead of trying to force the person to talk to me while I'm still upset, or sending messages to the person that I will regret later.
Transparency is a term we all know the meaning of and make our own definition from. My ex bpd and I agreed on transparency at the begining of the relationship. It's easy to agree on a concept. But then our mind personalize a pretty vague concept and difference can be huge around it.
Today is Mother’s Day. I woke up early this morning to bake my mom a cake and make her breakfast in bed. She was very greatful then shut her door and turned her light off, and this triggered my fear of abandonment instantly making me feel terrible about myself. These negative thoughts kept compounding and I got very mad. When I came back into the house after a walk (which didn’t calm me down) my dog barked at me and I yelled at him, this caused my mom to come out of her room and scold me for yelling at him. My response was to yell at her “I don’t give a f what day it is, I’m running away” She tried to calm me down and talk through it but I just kept yelling and cussing before storming out. I had no desire to run away the entire time, I have no idea why I did that and it completely ruined her day. I just don’t understand why I reacted that way when I wasn’t mad at her, I now feel like self harming because I feel like this cannot be forgiven, she will forever remember this day for the negatives and the good things were pointless. I just wish I could go one day without screwing everything up.
All can be forgiven in time and with understanding.
Bless you
I have a spouse who has BPD, we have been married for 15yrs and in the beginning we didn’t know what was going on. He just recently got diagnosed a few years back and it has been so incredibly hard. I started therapy and everything that you have said is what my therapist told me also to help at home. It does help I’m just trying to stay consistent.
Thank you for sharing, and it is very challenging. But you hit the nail on the head, staying consistent is most important. Be well.
How on earth did you even get him to agree to counseling? He absolutely refuses to acknowledge outwardly any personal issues, the "blame" is always put on others, usually me.
@@SunflowerEyes252 honestly we have been on the brink of separation so many times, the simple fact that we have kids one of which is bipolar pushed him to get help. It’s hard as hell and we are still working on the correct medication for his anxiety and depression which makes things so much better when those two are at least balanced. I started therapy way before he did but was never consistent, after his initial diagnosis he was in a bit of denial but I talked and asked questions not accusing just wanted to know what he was thinking. Slowly he started to understand things are off and decided to take a serious step. Flair ups are a constant battle but I’m working on not being bated into the argument. He had to want it I can tell you if he had not gone we would not be together today.
@@SunflowerEyes252i would like some help with this too.
I still feel pretty lost as a parent but I'll never give up on my kid. Thanks for the video.
If your kid has bpd. It's because of the environment you created and how you treated them in their childhood so...you should have been thinking about that years ago.
@@Kathrynlove it sounds like you were horribly hurt to have such strong opinions. I think studying bpd more might help you realize that not everyone with bpd had a horrible childhood. She is very much loved and I wasn't the only parent involved. She went through our divorce with us when she was 3. Not having her dad around the house anymore hurt her so much that for days she refused to eat. She's incredibly sensitive and after I wrote this, she called and we are back on track. I'm the person she loves the most and unfortunately those ppl become targets for them. There was so much she made up. That's common in bpd. I was never good with discipline and creating boundaries with her because I felt so bad she went through that divorce. I spoiled her with love because of that and it wasn't the right thing to do for her. She needed more help but at the young age I was myself. I was clueless and had no family myself to lean on for support or direction. I take full responsibility for not getting her help earlier. She's also transgender and that's difficult enough as it is for her. I'm not going to say I was the number one parent in the world but I was kind and loving. At this point she is so sorry for hurting me so bad but I'm just happy to have her back in my life so we can work on boundaries together. I live in Florida and she's in Wisconsin. She was 24 when we moved. I wanted her to come with us but she was afraid to be in the south because of hate crimes against gay and transgender ppl. Me moving didn't hit her for a bit but when it did she was angry at me for leaving although she could have come with us. I think that really triggered her. I'm flying up there shortly and we have plans to just be happy with each other like it used to be for most all her life. I give myself a little credit because I was accused of really serious stuff. I forgive her with no problem, I know she's sick. She understands she is too. I'm not perfect either and not having her in my life took such a toll on me too. If you have bpd because of abuse I'm so sorry for you. I wish the best for you.
@@jaeljade3609 just by watching these videos you care ♥️ keep doing what you’re doing. i’m trying to figure myself out rn.
@@katiejoann4948 thank you! I hope everything works out for you. I know it will. Nothing ever stays the same. You might always have bpd but in time i hope things are less stressful for you. Take care of yourself. ❤️
Must be tough! But it's really wonderful that you are so committed to help her manage it.
My husband has recently been diagnosed with 'B cluster traits'. I originally thought he was a narcissist but that didn't seem to fully fit as he has genuine empathy and care for others. Then my friend who is a therapist mentioned BPD to me and it was like a light bulb switched on. Ive been researching like crazy since trying to figure out how I can manage and cope with thisbrelqtuonship whichbis heaven one moment and hell the next. Fortunately my husband is seeking help but he hasn't understood fully or accepted his diagnosis yet and still thinks the problem lies with the people around him triggering him all the time. This video is so helpful and gives me much hope. Thank you. 🙏
I also started by researching narcissism but BPD and the ego wound seems to fit better. I wonder how often they occur together?
I had a couple job interviews and I was afraid to call them back because i thought they didn't like me. i'm becoming more aware of the BPD lens.. I just realized that after i meet someone I think. They didn't like me very much.... maybe it is just my misunderstanding..... people like me
Call those potential employers back!! Fight your lens!!
Going through this too. Good luck Eric!
I understand you Eric. This BPD prism is a liar, don't forget that and don't listen to it! I wish you good luck and don't hesitate to keep us updated :) 👋
You should be asking yourself if you like the person that’s around you or are they safe for you things like that instead of the other way around.
@@Portia620 and everyone. thanks. for reminding me about this. i have an update. I got a job in October and I was fired in December right before Christmas. I tried my best but they really didn't like me. LOL. It's funny and it's sad. It wasn't that big of a deal because I was there for a greater purpose. It was like a mission from God and a helpful experience and maybe a stepping stone to something better. I'm not sure exactly when I posted this comment but Jesus saved me last year 4/19 and gave me the Holy Spirit it changed everything. Well it's working with me. I got a new job this month just about a week ago. It's really cool but it's like a volunteer job, but they they should be able to help me get a paying job soon. And I think i finally found some people that like me. I made a couple friends from church. I'm trying to stay positive and keep making progress. I have made sooo much progress in the last year. I hope the same for everyone.
I legit cried watching this... it cut me so deep that I am this way and I cant help it.
It made me feel like who would want me... when they can have someone who isnt like this. Im so triggered... this was so hard to watch omg.
LidiaBellaItaliana I feel ya! That was definitely my first reaction when I saw this a few weeks ago. I cried hard thinking about my bf of the last year and a half and how much he truly puts up with. Then I sent it to him and turned it into a test, getting upset every day that he didn’t watch it. Eventually I just turned it on and we watched it together, me in his arms & him paying attention & saying the perfect things... luckily turned out good for a change :)
You are not your disorder and are so deserving of love ❤️
Because they love you. I have had a couple of people who would stay with me, but I can't handle my jealousy. I gave up.
I feel you.. Right there. Every word.
I know..it is very hard. Nobody does want us BUT you can still live a good life by becoming your own best friend and finding things you like to do and just keep living...
My wife and I have read and learned everything we could get our hands on. We have gotten our son all the professional help we could find. We have done absolutely everything we’re been told regarding family therapy. Nothing has improved his behavior. He seems to have no interest whatsoever to lift a finger to help himself. The mental and emotional health…and now physical health…of our family is being destroyed from the inside out. It’s been a nightmare…for 19 years. I now feel the priority should be to protect us from him. It’s time for him to want to get better…we can’t want it more than him.
Is he on medication? Look up Dr. Josef. So serious. I’m really sorry for all you’ve been through. I pray you have strength today. And more importantly peace. ❤
Comments from parents like you honestly leave me a bit sad and shocked at the same time. I’m an adult child with BPD who’s been in treatment for a couple of years now. I’ve made a lot of progress and achieved moderate (as much one can expect with a debilitating disorder like bpd) academic/career growth, thanks to therapy. Since I was first diagnosed 5 years ago, the only thing my parents have done to “help me” is agreed to sponsor my therapy sessions. I’ll give them due credit and am very grateful for their financial support.
However, they haven’t done any of what you mentioned. They don’t acknowledge that I have BPD. They have never initiated a discussion with me from their end. They have never read up on what this disorder is, or the kind of emotional suffering I go through. They haven’t checked out any of the “Family of BPD person” resources I’ve shared with them. My parents have not changed their patterns of emotional invalidation, disrespect of boundaries, and their own toxic domestic environment. I continue to suffer through their invalidating jibes at me while actively trying to heal my wounded psyche. I want to move out and be financially independent from them as soon as I can.
My comment seeks to show you that there are different kinds of people with BPD, and that variety extends to parents too.. I guess.
Here you are - struggling with your son who seems to have no self awareness of bpd traits, yet you try your best to study his symptoms and treatment.
And here I am - A self aware BPD sufferer under long-term treatment who’s coping with her ignorant parents and their abusive dynamic.
I feel this so much. 20 years + 2 kids born into it.
You talk about your son getting treatment but until the family addresses its part recovery for any coping/dysregulation disorders (addiction included) doesn’t work.
I hope you can reduce your shame and seek help for your issues. It’s quite often parents make one child the family’s “identified patient” to avoid having to admit addictions, marriage issues, or unfelt trauma, grief and resentments.
We tend to be the kids who can’t pretend our family is ok and then because we act out due to the amount of stress we carry that the parents unintentionally ignore we are the ones taken to be “fixed”
What was you and your wife’s role in causing him bpd? What kind of childhood did he live? What kind of environment did you create for him as a child? Could he have been misdiagnosed? There is also anti-social personality disorder that could be confused for bpd
I have never in my life felt more understood by a video it is truly the loneliest disorder
Great video. All my fellow BPD peeps - you CAN recover with help and support. My family and my partner have been helping me (alongside therapy and my own hard work) and I am not out of the woods but I am so much better. YOU CAN DO THIS
How are you now?
When I hurt myself 3 weeks ago I rang the mental health team who were assessing me and their reply was “you have to wait until your next appointment 3 weeks away to be seen”!! No one came to check on me nor did they send me to inpatient! I wish there was more therapists like you, who take it very seriously.
This is true
Gosh, which country is this?
@@ekaterinastaneva9922 it’s the same in Australia
The Uk
Happens a lot in the US also. Shortage of therapists since COVID
Man great video. I wish I would’ve watched this before my bpd wife left me.
I have a BPD partner who also has anxiety disorder, complex PTSD, and depressive disorder. Omg what a handful... on one hand she is the most amazing woman I have ever met... I mean really incredible (and insanely beautiful). On the other hand this is like walking through a minefield blindfolded in clown shoes. I can’t respond to things as I would with other people and I’m getting to a point where I don’t respond at all. At a total loss if I’m honest but I’ll persevere as she is worth it. Your videos will hopefully help but remembering this when needed and heat of the moment can be hard.
I feel for you man. I also am in love with the most amazing woman who also suffers from bpd. I also hope we can get what we need from this.
Can you tell me more about what it is that affects you negatively when in the minefield state?
This was the most helpful information I’ve ever found on BPD. Our loved ones need our support. Frankly, we need yours! I’d greatly appreciate more videos like this. In particular, some advice on helping a loved one to hear you when they’re hurt or angry. How can you encourage safe expression of those feelings before they lead to destruction? Also, how about tips on maintaining the kind of boundaries that can be perceived as rejection?
Thanks for your help!
It helps to learn some DBT Skills.
Yes please. More videos on these topics would be helpful
I can tell from these questions that you are a compassionate person. The BPD person in your life is lucky! I really liked Dr. Fox's book and recommend it, if you haven't had a chance to read it yet.
I love his videos. It gives me hope. I have been with my partner for 8 years but he is extremely supportive and educated himself on my BPD
I hate having BPD. I’m 39 and am getting married next year and I feel like I’m ruining my relationship even though my fiancé doesn’t feel the same. Thank you for this awesome video. Truly brings full circle the way people should work to be with someone like me. ❤
Resist that family in the head. Push back and set your path without BPD. It’s ok to be loved.
@@makingadjustmentseach person is different. For some it will make a huge difference. Others will see no change.
Thank you, Dr. Fox, for the mason jar analogy! Loneliness and feeling of not-belonging feels exactly like that.
I have fully recovered from BPD, where I only have slight tendencies, but do not match the criteria anymore. Please do not give up and ffs be kind to yourselves. I know it ain't easy. I really do. Just know that it works.
Thank you for this encouragement. Truly.
@@dianefoster3059 I'm proud of you 🖤
Tall me details please . How many years have you suffered .? What medication have you used?
This needs to be the subject of your next book - after you finish the CPBD book. There are a few books out there for families - but not enough and I know your take on the subject would be SO helpful.
agree
My life is a living hell. My wife has bpd and we have an 18 month old son.
Thank you for giving me hope.
If your life is a living hell, think of the absolute terror and fear a tiny toddler's brain is experiencing in the most critical stage of development. No infant or toddler should have to grow up like that. They will likely develop an attachment disorder themselves. Please protect your child; they cannot protect themselves.
@@le_th_ I 100% agree. My sister is BPD and I simply don't feel safe around her. I am always on guard because you can never predict when the next attack will happen. Her children suffer greatly for the same reason there is never a time for them to just be and feel safe and loved because the next attack can happen simply because you blinked.
@@amysk2157 Here I just posted to you that I haven't heard from my sister with BPD in years (I've blocked her from my phone) and I woke up to my cell phone ringing from a number I didn't recognize and it was her. She sounded well, but was brief and to the point, but also kind. A family of ours died and she was letting me know.
We talked for less than 5 minutes, but I appreciated her letting me know. I just thought it was weird I had just posted that comment to you and then less than 24 hours later she called.
I think the point of this video is that a parent can be diplomatic without backing down. If your child is screaming or threatening or whatever you must stand firm without returning the screams and threats. The parent should communicate that "what you are doing isn't working on me, so let's do something else."
Definitely ask is there something else we can do!
Easier said than done.
Great analogy re: not knowing how to making copies. Boundaries! Identifying consequences. Stay solution focused. Selfcare. These are good things to know with children, as bpds and often we all are.
Oh your right on...as soon as someone talks about the past and blames me about the past...it is TOTALLY fanning the flame of getting me to explode!!
I have just discovered your channel recently and I feel so validated, I even happy-cried. I ordered your BPD Workbook, it’s very good! It doesn’t feel impossible anymore. It’s so hard to find educational resources online that don’t stigmatise BPD. Thank you for making your content readily available for those who can’t access it in other means.💗
Here's a safe place, raiokai 👋 welcome! And yes there is hope. I've been diagnosed a year ago, began therapy both with online ressources and a therapist, but you can access to a lot online. I'm way better, I barely fall into destructive behaviors. Of course I still have work to do. Dr Fox has a great website and content, you can have the address in the description box. Yes you're right, not everything is safe and reliable online! There is discrimination with BPD, sadly. So do not hesitate if you have any questions, here's a safe spot 👋
I also sometimes cries with videos full of hope/validation ☺️ it's like I am overwhelmed by these vibes and 'revelations'!
Take good care 👍
I've never once saw anything stagimatizing BPD and I have read about this and researched for almost 9 years. 🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️
@@Kathrynlove you’re the only person I’ve come across who has ever said this - it’s a common thing people say in the BPD community. BPD is one of the most stigmatised mental illnesses.
I simply voiced my own experience which is spanning across about 4.5 years. If yours is different, that’s fine and you’re very lucky to not have stumbled across that type of content. I’m unsure what the need for this comment was, but I’m glad you’ve had a good experience with your research. 💗💓💞
This is the best explanation ive seen. My hubby has bpd traits and it took me 23 years to figure it out. My personality has changed and i have become an angry person because of living with it daily for so long. He makes me feel unvalidated and says he feels like a victim quite often. Our eldest daughter is a people pleaser which i think she may have developed at a young age because of her father's bpd. I need to work on not triggering the behaviour by finger pointing. And councilling if he is open to it would help.
So glad you found it helpful.
I have been watching videos on BPD for months, since my partner was diagnosed. Most of them help, but this one is a game changer! Thank you so much.
Your amazing for trying to help them instead of abandon them ty for that
I would love more videos for family! This affects my husband and the more I can learn .. The better
A lot of people with BPD grew up with narcissistic parents who would have absolutely weaponised the BPD diagnosis against them. For example, if you are feeling really sad one day, they would use the fact you have BPD to gaslight you about it. So definitely don't do the first one if you don't want to accidentally trigger that. I was 27 years old before anyone ever told me my feelings were valid because I was so used to the gaslighting and minimising. That made a huge difference, although I often still question and gaslight myself as a result.
This is my first comment here..but I have. BPD and am in outpatient therapy for the moment due to a recent hospitalization..I totally lost it with my boyfriend..I grabbed a knife and cut myself several times and because my BPD was so out of control...when he came towards me I stabbed him in the arm...that was sooo out of character for me..even in my worst episodes previously I had never gone that far...and because of that I checked myself into the hospital
I have learned these behaviors you talk about in the. Video are skills I too am learning to better control my outbursts..just wanted to say thank you
In the middle of trying to save my marriage. I believe my husband is exhibiting signs of BPD with rage outburts. His mother had BPD, and it was the most difficult thing we had to go through before she was properly diagnosed. My husband knows there's something not right, and at times is eager to seek help. But that comes and goes based on his mood. He blames me for his outbursts of rage, so it is difficult for me to be the one to try and calm him when it's happening. No one else is really close enough to him to see these behaviours and outbursts. I'm trying my best but don't really know where to go from here. I appreciate your videos very much! Thank you for trying to help us, the loved ones who are desperately doing all we can.
Me too. I hope you got some help!
I can feel ya Jen and it’s indeed stressful. Please take care of yourself. Please know that your loved one is acting out of rage because it’s an illness and not choice
ME TOOO
worst thing to think is you can fix it ...you cant ,,its not under your control
best option sometimes is put down a line ..get help or im leaving ,,ill be there for you ,,but no longer under this circumstance...it takes a serious action to get the ball rolling
Jen it sounds exactly like what I’m going through with my fiancé. Dr. Fox can you recommend a psychologist/psychiatrist in Austin Texas that specializes in BPD Or are there support groups for loved ones who have BPD
Thank you for breaking down bpd for me, my daughter has bpd and adhd, I am diagnosed with bpd traits, bpad and adhd. So communication is very challenging to say the least. I feel like I am at the whim of her BPD, nothing I do is right and I am reacting, giving in and doing all the wrong things. 😢it is so very sad, I just want a healthy relationship with my beautiful daughter. It seems everything we say sets the other off. I have saved this video and will watch it time and time again so it will sync in and perhaps in the future we can have a discussion and I can stay on track maybe.
I didn't follow up on the consequences for violating the boundaries I set (no yelling, no name calling...) and it got worse. I couldn't tolerate more of it and I pointed out that behaviour as abusive and everything blew up again. Now he's convinced I'm trying to prove he's evil and antagonizing him. He said I'm a horrible person, toxic, that I broke us, that I need help... Next day, he left me. And I don't know if his vision of me will change.
Now it's all a mix of feelings of hopelessness and injustice and the guilt of not having been able to manage it better. I thought I had nothing but love, patience and forgiveness for this relatioship, but I was sabotaging it without even realizing, by doing things I didn't even know he was taking that way until he blew up.
And at the same time I feel so resentful that he places all the blame on me. This video helps a lot with processing and understanding some things better. Thank you so much for sharing this knowledge. And sorry for venting here.
Any mental illness or disorder is an incredible strain on all involved. I have to remind my self often that my loved one living with their condition has it so much harder than i ever will.
I just lost my fiancé of 9 years and only just found this video. I wish I could have provided them with this so they would have been able to handle me better..
but I’ll use this video to keep in mind to try to better myself and seek professional help.
Thank you so much.
by the way your voice is calming. Reminds me of Mr. Rogers Neighborhood. If you’re this great of a therapist as you are a person then I’d love to be your neighbor, haha
Cheers 🖤 You’re a saint
I’m sorry for your loss. I wish you well.
My 10 years old daughter has most of the traits of BPD, but is still very controversial to diagnose it in children. I was a very young Latina mother and had to leave my child with my mother to be able to work and take my family out of poverty. When I came back after 5 year as a permanent resident in the US, she was emotionally broken and my family told my she was a victim of SA by a family member. I was totally destroyed. Now after finally being able to work remotely, I was able to reunite with her and give her all the Love and support she needs. Thank you for giving us hope!!this is not easy and overcoming guilt to take responsibility is also not easy. I hope you all continue to support your love ones and never give up on each other. That is the real tragedy. Thanks again for this amazing content
Please please know that you believing she needs help and believing she'll need help her whole life will make everything much easier. Validation is a miracle drug for bpd.
Being believed. Seen . And never "toooo" much.
I've told people it's like not having any skin and your just exposed for all to see all reject all poke prod burn
You feeeeeel people allll of them. And you feel everyone knows your damaged.
Please stay educated. Pls don't let your guilt make it so you aren't whole. You are a wonderful mother.
can't wait for this video, it came to the right time! i'm seeing someone atm and just told him about my bpd.. he's really interested to find out more about it and how to handle it. i think we'll watch your video together. thank you!
That's a very good point you meet someone who appreciates you and care to learn more about bpd 👍😊
Oh no
Hi!! My fiancee has BPD. She is on therapy and meds and I'm on therapy too. How would you feel if your partner had sent you or welcomed you to watch this video with them? I'm thinking about doing that with my fiancee
It doesn't seem like my parents are ever gonna watch these wonderful videos you share. I am trying my best to normalize the topic of mental health at home. In my third world country, the topic is kinda rejected. People are too dependant on surviving physically to worry about mental health. But for years, I have not stopped educating myself, so I can help myself. Maybe one day, I will truly succeed. Thank you, doc.
Dr Daniel Fox, thank you. I live in the UK and I have BPD. I have been waiting to start a programme to help me for over 2 years now, and things have been tough. But finding your channel has helped me more than you could imagine. Thank you so much for explaining things, and going through the processes that occur on our brains, for helping us and for helping the people around us too!
Thank you Dr Fox!! My now ex bf has BPD traits that prevent him from keeping a job and functioning fully. He has addiction issues also.
I drove myself to the brink of insanity trying to rationalise with him. I felt as though I was developing BPD TRAITS MYSELF. Now I see that it was his maladaptive ways that prevented him from hearing me. I took it as disrespect and not caring since I was the one struggling to support us both . This was an eye opener. Will keep listening over and iver
You're so amazing Dr. Fox, thank you. We need billions of therapist just like you.
🤗❤👍XOXOX
I am here as i have bpd but no loved one interested to listen this as they are narcisstic and antisocial personality disorder, but i learned alot about my bpd and their behaviours, i started setting boundaries with thm, started reapecting them, taking care of myself and comminucating my needs very very hard and painful stuff but rewarding and peaceful at end of day.
I reached out for help because of you ❤ Thank you so much ❤ Please know that you've saved my life ❤
Dr.Daniel, you have changed not only my life but the life or my best friend. I have been watching you for years. Now when me and my friend met I knew he had symptoms. Then something happened and he almost lost everything. I showed you to him snd he has done so much better and gotten the relationship with his family back. We both still are a work in progress like everyone else. But thank you for saving the trajectory of my life. I always thought I was just crazy!!
Thank u so much I have been belittled and n ear bashed foe years now I can put some things in place cheers
This video is amazing. I swear to god i haven’t ever seen anything this well explained. I have bpd and i have been looking for things like this to send my bf. So many websites have way too much wrong information. I am glad i found this video! Thank you❤️
I love your mason jar analogy. As a BPDer, I can verify that feeling!
I wish I knew all these things before I played a big part in messing up a past relationship or at least having the mental resources and knowledge to walk away without being so aggressive! It only backfired on me in the end. I still act out to my family sometimes. This was enlightening and motivating for me to behave better and in a more rational way.
You have no clue I've been in therapy for 16 years and have gotten more with you then with the 5 therapist I've had
Dr Fox: I find your videos very helpful. May I suggest that you create a whole series for people living with a person with bpd and bpd traits. It is needed very badly. This will really help people who need more than only this one video.
I wish everyone took the time out to watch this video. Instead of weaponizing their mental health struggles.
Thank you, Dr. Fox. This is superb advice. As the loved one of someone on the spectrum, I’m trying my best to have empathy and validate her, and look after myself. Please continue this loved one support. It so often overlooked. Warm regards to you.
Oh my gosh, this is probably the best video I’ve ever heard. I can’t thank you enough!
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
Best BPD community on YT. Thanks Doc. EDIT: shared with my DBT Whatsapp group.
Oh yeah, best community 👍 very safe here! That's so much of a relief! 👋 Have a nice Sunday!
I’m watching this to help me learn how to better act around my best friend. I love her a lot and I’m looking forward to trying to think about things like this so our relationship can continue to be good, or maybe even be better for her
Learning everything you can teach. Starting to practice this and it is working! I am able to focus on my reactions when SO is flared. I am being vulnerable and honest without point fingers. Most importantly, regardless of the outcome, I can know that I am acting within my values. I need to work on enforcing boundaries because my inconsistency is a big issue.
I fell in love with the best person I ever met, and now I’m here after 7 months of refusal to understand her condition. This helps me a lot, she even guided me to your channel. I’m just heartbroken that she’s gone now and I didn’t try to understand sooner. I miss her.
I’m not for sure if my GF has it or not, but I suspect she does have BPD. After a couple of years, I’m just now “waking up” to the signs. I know she was mentally and physically abused when she was younger, but I didnt see the signs until now. I’m still learning and trying to figure out how deal with situations and I appreciate these videos to help. I hate that I lose my control time to time, but working and educating myself should help more. That being said, I feel like I have a hard time setting boundaries. I feel like I can’t even play video games downstairs with my friends. I find myself making excuses to them as why I can’t play with them, like being “too busy,” but in reality, I’m sitting with my GF watching TV or enabling her habits to buy things. Lately, realizing that her impulsively, I’m trying to “slow” her down but I don’t know how to work on it properly or to set better boundaries there. Like the fact that she made three credit cards in my name because she went in a downward spiral of emotions at the time. I think she felt betrayed by her mother as my GF finally spoke up about the abuse from the past. I also feel like her mom is in denial, so it complicates this healing process so much more. During her time with her mom, she made it sound like she understood my GF and felt bad. But then a crap ton of items started coming in from Amazon. From little kitchen dishes, to 65” tv, to a freaking pool. She was claiming it was her mom feeling bad and buying these thing for us, but I started suspecting it was my GF. I just didn’t know she made three credit cards in my name and put me into 5k in debt. I need help on setting boundaries for time for myself, protecting my financial savings, and getting enough sleep. I work 46-54 hours a week trying to maintain a mortgage, utilities, upkeep on the house, phone, cars for us both, and now these credit cards. I feel a constant pressure on me. Im riding the fence while juggling my GF’s emotions. One wrong sway to the side, and im going to fall, and hit the ground hard. It would help if she could maintain a job, but she has way too much anxiety and her depression gets to her. Im just in a world of confusion as she blames me for most things like her actions. I want to help. We’ve had a therapist, together and separately. She’s got diagnosed with ADHD, but he dismisses the idea she has BPD or won’t even try to test her for it. But now he’s off doing his thing, and I need to find another therapist for her, but im financially at a low to help. I’ve realized I also spent a crap ton of money trying to make her feel better, which in return, caused this spending spree on her end. For that, I’m trying to save my money, which is little, but it’s adding up. I’ve noticed she was able to pay for her tires and finally helped me buy groceries. Hopefully this is a sign in the right direction. Whoever took the time to read this, you’re the real MVP. I’m mainly writing this for myself. Figured it’s in the moment, maybe writing my feelings will help me understand what I need as a person in this kind of relationship. Thank you for reading and please take care.
You sound like a compassionate person who is struggling with boundaries. Unfortunately a lot of therapists are not helpful and can even make problems worse. I'm glad you found this channel because as BPD person who also a master's degree in psychology, I feel very comfortable that Dr. Fox gives good advice. But even though it will be helpful for you to understand more about BPD, there isn't anything you can do to change another person. You might need more support in developing your own boundaries so that you know where to draw the line and how to stick to it. I recommend Dr. Ramani's videos for partners of narcissists, because they have to develop very strong boundaries if they decide to stay in the relationship. You find it helpful to join a 12-step program like Al-Anon or Co-dependents Anonymous (CoDA). And keep researching boundaries and assertiveness. Whether you stay in this relationship or you leave, you will still need all this information to help you be healthy in any relationship.
@@ZoeMagnes Yes, I agree. After this entire situation, I reflected on myself. Realized that I allowed my boundaries to be super thin or don’t exist at all. That being said, I’ve made boundaries more clear, but will show more of an action towards them. I will look at those suggested videos that you listed. It’ll help me become better. I appreciate it!
I read the whole thing. Please convince her to see her bpd
It will save EVERYTHING. Allll
Any of us ever needed was someone to care enough to stick through a bout and show us that even with alllll the things you said that you are still there and care enough to work on your own behavior to HELP HER?????? !! That's a bpd miracle validation is the medicine
Boundries a must.
And she will be much less bpd if you do give strong Boundries ecspecialy about money. She wants structure and will fight it at first but will heal alot in that vibe.
Also TELL her you are playing and what day..let her prepare and yall set her up with something cool to do upstairs for that evening. Make her a spa night set up or something if u can
Pls remember it's not you. God bless you. We hate being inside of ourselves.and we reallllly hate what we do . I'm 49 yrs old and I'm telling you bpd people are the deepest sweetest most confused people in the world we can't understand why people don't love like we do and we feel sooo exhausted inside we Feel envious even of calm in people sometimes
Tell her you have troubles let her In side your head too and she'll feel seen. Invalidation is the fastest way to splitting or RAGE. ecspecialy as we age because yes we do feel that way about it. It's never attention. We don't want a drop of negative attention. Sometimes when you see that change in her just hug tight tight hold her down not trap her but reallllly hold
And validate
The rage will melt..she'll be severely confused by it and not trust it fir a bit but when she sees you aren't angry after that she'll be OK. Pls don't give up. But also don't hurt your future
Also I am here for you I am bpd and older
I've been through every bit of it. Message here if you like I'll always help any time I can. I now live I. 💯 Isolation and am trying to work through Dr fox work book and be ok before I try life again . I can't bear hurting anyone again. Ever. I know it. Please remember splitting and read up on splitting. It's what causes your confusion alot.
Ps- she needs a "job"
Even if it's online
I have BPD and ADHD. They feed each other. What saved my life was DBT and getting proper medication and skills training to manage ADHD. It is HER job to get better - not yours. Your encouragement is very helpful but enabling her will only lead to more chaos. You do not owe it to her just because you love her. It was hard for me to get out of denial and to find resources but it has paid off. I’m not losing people as much and mood swings are much much better because I now have effective tools and can manage myself. Take care of YOU, even if it means living apart so you can stay together. You can’t fill the dark place inside her heart or stop her fears or fix the ADHD. But SHE can learn how to heal from her childhood and manage her mental health.
Thank you. "I statement really helped" Both my Son and I have BPD traits. Very hard to manage but we love each other and keep going.
Thanks for sharing!! I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
@@DrDanielFox Thank you so much for taking the time to respond.
Your video is always so helpful, full of compassion, empathy & therapeutic. Your clients is so lucky to have you as their doctor. I will definitely want to work with you once i can afford it
after breaking up with my girlfriend who had bdp, she always got me lil gifts, when you mentioned rewards and explained the thought process behind it, made me realise she really valued me..
Thank you for continuing to make content about bpd! You have a real gift for seeing the true meaning and depth behind actions, behaviors, intent and thought
Thank you Dr Fox for these videos on BPD. For the first time in 39 years, I am gaining a better understanding of what it is that’s so wrong with me.
I understand , but what I also can't do is constantly take blame and apologize for stuff I DID NOT DO.
Especially when the other person is most likely doing 90% of the things I got blamed for doing/not doing and is constantly lying about stuff.
It made me doubt myself so much that I had to keep telling myself it was the bpd to stay sane
The relationship ended though and I feel much better now.
Same. The person who was in my life expected me to answer phone or text back immediately, no matter the hour of day. More than once, I was literally using the toilet and couldn't answer the phone for a couple of minutes. He would call me in the middle of my classes and accuse me of cheating (which he was doing, not me). I understand the need for compassion, but there can be a time where it is simply an abusive situation.
This is one of the best videos you've done yet!!! Thank you so much. I struggle the most with my relationships and the lack of transparency and self contempt, well then rage and all that good bpd stuff. I was in remission for 8 years following two rounds of dbt and then one round of advanced dbt. I have fallen off the wagon and my symptoms are worse than ever. My new partner is struggling. You touched base on everything! I cannot wait. To show him this. I can never find the right videos to help him understand. Thank you Dr Fox!!!
Can you please do a video on how to set boundaries for the holidays and/or special events? My husband will ruin just about every one over the last 29 years. I love holidays and special times. I want to enjoy them with the family. Been dealing with cancer the last 5 1/2 years. Time is precious. I want to figure it out in a healthy way for us all. A video for going on vacation would be great also. Thank you!
I sent this to my boyfriend, he asked to see this video which is so amazing. I think it will help both of us manage my feelings of abandonment. 🤗 I think will empower him too so that it can minimise his feelings of frustration and hopelessness.
Thank you for your compassion. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve been hurt by so called mental health professionals using language like “manipulation and tantrums.” I watch BPD videos hoping for useful information and compassion, but leave feeling unsafe and alone in the world yet again. Thanks again for presenting the facts in such a professional manner.
You're welcome.
@@DrDanielFox Also sir sometimes even normal folks who haven't been lebelled or come under any mental health diagnosis also behave the same way I mean I have seen thousands of people throwing tantrums at some point or another.. I have seen a lot of people "manipulating" and doing meanest things possible to human beings without ANY lebels.
So does this make everyone a BPD ?
Blaming and name calling a person based on a diagnosis isn't right in my point of view.
Also sir there is a lady from US who is an expert on the subject and has written books also. (I am not taking any names)
So she in her Quora posts is mostly talking in a very negative language and in one of the paras she also wrote
"These Unlucky individuals" I mean this is really not right to classify anyone as lucky or unlucky just because of their diagnosis!
Some very normal and healthy people also get unlucky within fractions of seconds !
We should have compassion for every being on this planet.
Just my views
Thankyou 🙏🙏🙏
Thank you for your insightful and thoughtful work. In my family DNA we have autism, OCD, BPD, Tourettes, and addiction. It is exhausting for all concerned. Truly exhausting. I know they can't help it and need love and acceptance as humans. Parents - you are NOT to blame. Children - you are not to blame for your parent's behavior. Nobody is to blame. It is a disease of the brain. Those that love someone with BPD, OCD, etc. et al are only responsible for not becoming codependent in the process.
Dr. I watched your video and it just made me so sad. You are so compassionate and I really value your videos. I had worked really hard on myself and I improved. I was doing great being single. There was no stress of anyone cheating on me or lying or hiding things. But then i met this guy and he convinced me that he loved me a lot, he was showing ot in his gestures, promised me a beautiful life, was desperate to marry me and I clearly told him I have bpd, he saw my mood swings but he would try to change my mood, hold hands, be affectionate, made me feel loved. I was scared n told him he would change after marriage but he kept saying he would only get better n tht our relationship would be so beautiful. He said he read a lot about bpd n he understood me. I was extremely transparent with him about my past and told him many times to be transparent with me n I would keep saying tht n everytime he said he was. I got married to him thinking he really loved me n wasn't marrying me for the heck of marrying but after marriage he just changed. He just stopped being affectionate the way he was but never admitted tht he did.he always said I was imagining but holding hands ,kissing, communication everything went out of the window that too soon after marriage. Also he accused me of marrying him for money which hit me so hard. And soon after I found out that he had hidden a lot of things about his past. I found texts in his phone that were objectionable and he kept giving lame excuses, covering up. And then a lame sorry for not discussing before marriage. But he did that damage to me. I was so happy when I married but it all went down the drain. I was so shocked and dissapointed that I got into depression, since he started saying mean things to me I came to my parents house. I was so depressed because of what happened that I self harmed and had to be admitted. I am in therapy n on meds for almost 6 months n still at my parents. My dreams all shattered and I cannot trust husband at all ,neither can I talk to him properly, I've become so bitter . I feel cheated tht he hid things when I specifically asked him to be transparent so many times. His sorrys have not helped me at all. I'm extremely dissapointed because I was cheated in my previous relationship and my bpd was not diagnosed then n I was still with my partner but I was stalking him, checking his phone like crazy. It was extremely traumatic for me. Post tht I got into therapy n worked on myself so with husband I never checked his phone at all because I felt I should trust him and I also believed all tht he told me. I didn't want the same stressful cycle of my previous relationship where I was being suspicious, checking ph etc n with him felt secure because he was so good at convincing me that he read about bpd n tht he understood me n tht he was absolutely transparent n life would be more beautiful after marriage but now I feel I'm back to square one in this relationship as well where I'm not suspicious, I don't trust him at all ,I'm still at parents n refuse to go back to him because I feel cheated, lied to and it is like reliving my previous trauma. Please honestly tell me, am I at fault for not liking him anymore. He makes remarks that he married me despite me being mentally unstable n other things which has made me hate him but he is blaming it on my bpd. This is why I'm so sad because I feel I can't live with this stigma of being what I am because of bpd despite someone else doing wrong to me. :(
My sympathies for what you went through had similar with my ex, on Canada day (July 1st) he said "we need a break from dating for a while" I said "how is this fair I have my precancerous lesions and fertility check up on July 7th" he said " I don't want to see you or talk to you". I said "Is this about my mental health?" He said "no". I asked "Is this about my health?" He said "no". Then blocks me. We excerised a park together and dropped me home before this text. I selfed harm, emergency room visit. He was caught by my friend's sister on dating app bumble twice. First time I confronted him. He said he was inactive and deleted it. Isolated me from my friends. Lied about deleting the app and was caught again few months ago. I didnt know about the second time because I was isolated. Last Thursday with my friend, her sister and mom, we pieced together the behaviour changes in him and tactics. We concluded that my ex was manipulative, a narcissist and most likely cheating on me. No wonder my bpd was triggered so bad. Hopefully my story can help you, I feel your pain too. Sending you lots hugs with love 💖🤗
P.S he did the same blaming it on my bpd. When really without him, it still hurts a lot for me too, my bpd is a lot calmer. You are not crazy dear !
Yes! Things can get better, there is hope and things worth trying for. Understanding, patience, care and transparency has done so much for the person I care so much about.
It was frustrating looking things up online and seeing the negative attitudes from peers- it all seemed so counterproductive towards people with BPD symptoms. If anyone treats me the same way they treat people with BPD, I sure as heck know it makes my own depression worse!
Thanks for making those points. A lot of people I know either A) have no empathy whatsoever and do not believe in mental illness or B) also, don't think how they treat me does or should influence how I feel or respond. Simply put, I am smart and should act right. I don't try and ask them how to treat me, but I feel like if they had any idea about how I am and reasons for it, they would be more understanding. I have some good supports, others with illness and addiction who have helped me through treatment... but I am finding that clearly if you are around other generally angry, invalidating people... they may be in the mason jar of lonliness too but they can not or will not be able to act any differently, especially if they are convinced, ironically, in extreme black and white thinking. And yes Dr I agree--- I am not "cured" but practicing the skills I have learned in treatment have resulted in significant remisson. Your videos have been very helpful I check them regularly the last several months, and thank you for your time!!
I was In remission for years and years (I discovered before traits were recognised) unfortunately a really unhealthy relationship sent back into them 4 years ago.. hence how I discovered the pbd traits… now I know it is possible, I did it alone. Healthy friends, work you enjoy, exercise external activities all really help!! I have been delving into my traumas ( I had compartmentalised for years) it was not my fault! Thankfully I don’t have rage or do anything manipulative consciously, but my anxiety and trouble on relationships is real!! Especially after a succession of failed relationships… mapping the patterns… thank you… so much! We have to admit there is a problem (the hardest thing to do) look for triggers, and manage internal emotions compassionately!! Compassion for self being the BIGGEST part (for me) 💋
You've inspired me to make my own vids on bpd. Thank you Dr. Fox! Your book is helping me maintain my recovery until I meet my new therapist. 💜💜💜
I feel a tingle of hope for the first time
My husband is the only person that took the time to learn about BPD, the rest of my family (including my children) wanted nothing to do with it or me after my diagnosis. It was like adding salt to a wound. If you can have a support system, consider it a true blessing!
I'm so sorry..
My youngest daughter is the first to ever not judge or Invalidate me and it was the beginning of my healing. It took 4 years to get diagnosed with more than depression and grief as we had horrible family tragedy 6 years ago. I believe I'm at fault for it too .
My family has nothing to do with me. But thank GOD both my daughters know I've fought myself my whole life to do the very best I could. I just couldn't get anyone to LISTEN and help me! Always called lazy or a pos
Mother. My overwhelming ness
Was very evident in being a single parent. Everything felt HUGE and like I was failing. Still does. God bless your husband.
I hope you are easy on yourself
@@jennylynnculbertson9086 Finding Jesus has literally saved my life! I live my life with him front and center. I'm at great peace now 🙏 Blessings!
finally a positive person who understands bpd - wow! there is hope for me at long last
How can I not hide my feelings, when the cursing is causing me such great anger and distress and pain? When they feel that this is like blaming them and they don’t want to even hear what they are causing?
I feel you!
I have bpd and it helps me a lot when people tell me how they feel, even if I blame myself for it. I NEED to hear it. Just because i blame myself anyways, and when they tell me they're feelings, it means that i KNOW that its a problem (i knew it anyways) AND how much its a problem for them. I don't have to speculate about this. And if they are hinest with how big the problem is, i learn to trust them. Then, this helps me, when it wasn't this bad and my head is just making the problem bigger. Its grounding me. Even if its hard sometimes. And its constant work. But it helps.
I'm lucky to find this video..
Please talk much about how to build up healthy boundaries without letting them feel abounded
Thank you! I always want to know more about this
Thank you, Dr Fox, for this video. This is the only thing I've ever heard anyone say about a good prognosis of BPD that gives me any hope. Everything I've read says that BPD is the worst and least treatable psychological disorder. Please continue to share this message. God bless.
This was such a good video :) super helpful to show to loved ones. Respecting Boundaries and asserting your own needs are so important.
I'm dating girl now with BPD.
Your channel helped me so much about understanding BPD, how to help and treat people with BPD.
Thanks a lot, Doc!
So with regards to the first point "don't blame BPD", what is your suggestion instead? How do you discuss a given behaviour that is very clearly driven by BPD, without calling it what it is? Is it best to simply leave BPD out of it entirely? I always felt like that would then make the pwBPD feel like a terrible person, so I've tried to (perhaps foolishly and backwardsly) always blame the negative behaviours on what is clearly the disorder. The girl about whom i'm referring is an incredibly good person. Among the best I've ever met. She's good to people, to a fault. But when she splits, well, we know how that goes. I don't want to make her feel like a bad person when she absolutely is not, but she exibits incredibly hurtful and abusive behaviours.
@katepavelle9465
0 seconds ago
During the last blowup, I told him we cannot control people. When our kids were 3, they inevitably had a meltdown or two at the store (overstimulated, wanting toy, whatever.) they would throw themselves on the floor, kick, and scream. I stood there leaning on the cart, waiting. When they were done, I said, “I am sorry but we cannot shop when you are having a tantrum.” I would apologize to the clerks ans leave the cart, and we went home. I didn’t address why it probably happened, only that it was not acceptable. It worked. I realized I cannot control my husband either. I told him that and reminded him of those store episodes. We still loved our kids, we just set limits. I started treating his outbursts the same. He knows that I am doing that and so far, it has been easier to calm the waters.
Thank you so much for making these helpful videos. My partner has BPD and I want to do better with helping and supporting him the best that I can because I love him so much
I'm really glad to hear that you found the videos helpful! Supporting a loved one with BPD can be challenging, but your love and commitment to understanding is truly inspiring.
I truly love my exGF (she’s left me several times) but we’ve known each other for many years and I appreciate this video. Currently she’s walked away from me again blaming me for everything. I really try to work with her but impossible when she keeps leaving instead of resolving conflict & her abuse. I’m in her corner & I’ve told her this but to no avail.
I guess I let her walk away for good.
I experience the same as your closing statement
Heartbreaking.
You are so helpful! I was raised by a BPD alcoholic mother and a father that was a genius with OCD and ASD... Now three of my grandchildren have ASD and one has BPD too. BPD is by far the hardest to cope with. Thank you for your channel. You are helping people more than you know.
Thank you so much for this video. You're so spot on in each points (alcohol, non-stop texting) I live with someone who has a lot of BPD traits. Feels like riding a rollercoaster and live with a small kid who like throwing tantrums. I recognize the dynamic but don't know how to handle it. So, many times just saying to myself "here we go again" and just buckle up. How to stop them using alcohol when they feel depressed, without hurting them? Thank you.
Thank you for everything you do for people with BPD. Thank you for not stigmatizing and for making me feel like a human ,not a label. 💖