He’s also lucky to have you because you didn’t give up on him. Mine decided to abandon me after i changed so much and put so much effort to level with her.
Do u feel u treat him better now cause he's proven he loves u. Like how often do u guys actually fight or u yell at them? I know hard question but I'm trying but I'm so tired of being yelled out of very simple things
I am surprised someone with BPD admits it. My wife has all the symptoms and behaviors of BPD but she never wants to get diagnosed or treated. It would be nice if you could suggest how you are aware of having BPD and how to make my wife understand and get her into treatment. Thank you!!
I love my BPD partner. It’s been almost five years. Thank you for making this video. I found so much negativity around bpd and stigma in a lot of videos. No tip, no advice, just “warning signs” of hard times ahead. Please watch this video, it’s so important, keep a note pad and writing utensil near by.
I don't really know what to say, I'm just really grateful for this channel and for all the people that are willing to take a closer look at people with BPD and try to understand and see the goodness in them, because no one really had to. Thank you for validating the sheer magnitude of time and effort it takes to change. It's like having to rebuild your house when you're still living in it. If one part shifts, you have to go back and repair another part and it's disorienting and sometimes harrowing work. It's painful for all involved, but I think we all imagine a safe, secure home that we can rest in and maybe it even means that much more because we have worked so hard for it, and the relationships that helped us get there mean that much more because these people have seen us at our absolute worst.
@@DrDanielFox where does the line begins and ends that says it’s okay for one person to be allowed to abuse the other person (usually an intimate partner or family member), because…
Thank you for this, not long ago I ran into a video for people with loved ones with BPD and everything I heard freaked me out, I thought "if I show this to my partner he will leave me for sure". This is more accurate and helpful.
@@MyValki probably but what I mean is there's videos about bpd (not this one) that just put the bad sides of it, and show it as if people with bpd are the worst.
Labels aside: this information is so good for everyone to establish and maintain good relationships and manage personal emotions. It’s a spectrum and everyone feels all the human emotions and thinks the thoughts. It’s about optimizing behavior and letting the best parts of ourselves shine
Sounds easy but not realistic depends how on the,spectrum they are. I have lived with a person with severe bpd and refuses help and any therapy. It is absolutely consuming chaos!! I stay healthy by distancing myself and staying informed about his mental health issue. Educate , the Mal adaptive behavior is spot on! Know my triggers..because he goes for the juggler vein instantly.
Thank you Dr Fox . I’ve been watching your videos after a recent break up. I have BPD and worry that I will never be able to have a lasting romantic relationship. Your expertise and knowledge is a blessing, I don’t think I’ve felt this understood. You explain what it’s like so well! Much love to this community
Hi Dr. Fox and all, I have BPD, and I blew my life up these past few months. I have now been sober from alcohol 3 months this Friday. I realized im more likely to self-destruct for instant gratification when drinking and feeling low and lonely. Im a work in progress. I got my karma for falling for a man who used me and controlled me, i sabotoged a 'boring lacking intimacy almoat 8 year **stable** relationship, as a result. I definitely have had a lot of lessons. I'm definitely codependent and crave the wrong people. I have been going to AA meetings regularly to be in a supportive sober environment and have a sponsor. Im now single, and its so terrifying, i used to settle for whatever as long as im not 'alone'. I'm back in college again, so at least I'll be more busy. The nights are the hardest. Thank you ❤❤
I see and hear you. As a human also living with this diagnosis and having some sober time under my belt now. I've worked in the crisis field, and used to frequently communicate that "the longest relationship we ever have is with ourselves". But damn if it ain't hard to trust yourself, or practice that empathy and patience with ourselves, with borderline. But one thing I can kind of bank on, in days of mental or emotional struggle, or even having thoughts of drinking again - I just ask my digital personal assistant to remind me how many days it's been since 12/19/21. 991 days. I've made a choice for that many days to adhere to a boundary I set for myself [with the help from other folks with lived sober time, and my mental health practitioners..etc]. And when I find it too hard to reach out, I remind myself that when I don't - it has such potential to spiral. Tmrw I am getting back in with a group DBT meeting [dialectical behavioral therapy]. I've done that before, but it was before I ever sobered up from alcohol. I keep having reactions to things, and with my complex ptsd, sometimes I don't fully understand what trauma I'm time traveling to [flash backs]. I believe in you [you as in plural, anyone reading this comment, if it resonates with you; you've got this!] !!!
I have BPD and I’m in remission. I’ve had to go through a highly specific life path in order to understand my own toxic behaviors, and how they can hurt other people in ways that I never realized they did. So long as the borderline is willing to understand their own triggers learn to control their behaviors. There is a chance they’re loving and devoted partners. Beware of covert narcissists that appear to be a borderlines.
After years of therapy and DBT classes, I’m in a successful career and looking for my patient partner. Thankful to my family to supporting me. I’ll def show my future partners this video. Here’s so all the people who said I couldn’t with bpd
I tried to educate myself as much as I could when my ex boyfriend told me he was diagnosed with BPD. Last Thursday I couldn't hold my feelings in anymore. He lost it. Packed up his belongings and blocked me on everything. After two years, it ended with me covered in bruises, financially drained, and mentally burnt out. All it took was one time for me to standup to him, for a 30 year old man who's 6'0 to throw me around when I am 5'0 and 80 pounds less than him. I never laid a hand on him or destroyed any of his belongings. All I did was tell him I will no longer let him degrade me.
Sounds accurate. There’s lots of BPD support out there, but not nearly enough for the victims of these ppl. It’s difficult to be on the receiving end of it
I’m sorry you’re going through this but I want to let you know a similar situation happened to me and you’re not alone. When I enforced boundaries he started going crazy, and our relationship of 10 years imploded.
Dr, Fox For me this is an eye opening video for partners who love a person with BPD. I practically did everything opposite that was mentioned in the video even though I was learning all I could about BPD. I believe , in part, what I was learning was from sources, albeit credible, that explained BPD from a hardened angle. The 5 year relationship I had with the BPD ex gf ruptured weeks ago and now she's with another guy who hopefully is better for her. She was very aware and she knew that I wasn't her guy since i now see how poorly equipped I was to work with her symptoms. Although we occasionally went there, now I better understand where I fell short for her.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It’s tough to navigate relationships with BPD, and understanding what went wrong is a significant step forward. Wishing you the best as you heal and grow from this.
Patience and empathy... I wish people would practice this more during a rage episode. My ex would fall into my bpd "trap" so to speak and argue right back with me, making me spiral even worse. The few times he did shut it down, while still not very empathetic, worked because he told me CALMLY that he was done with it. Also, LET US WALK AWAY IF WE NEED TO!!! I've been accused of stone walling. No, I am trying to remove myself from the situation before I get any worse and can think rationally. I don't think people understand how bad we can lose control and can't seem to stop v
Thank you for sharing your experience. Just happened to the wife and I this morning. We're still learning. We're both stubborn, but peace comes sooner as we realize what we are doing.
Patience and empathy during a rage episode… I would have empathy for myself at that point if someone was raging at me and get out of there and to safety (that includes mental safety) as soon as possible.
@@ShivaSolenteithis. We are not responsible for someone else’s rages. Maybe Op didn’t mean that exactly but hopefully she’ll have the insight to see she just blamed her husband for spiralling into a worse rage because he argued *back*. We can only take so much: after 15 years I no longer the have patience and empathy I did in the first 5-10 years. It is so effing hard to be in relationships with chaos.
And hence the problem.....there will always be people in society telling people with empathy, love, and stability to exercise MORE of it. We already have it, and are being abused because we have it!!! NO! We don't need MORE of anything....emotionally unregulated,abusive people...they are lacking....you having more of something will never eliminate someone else's l lack of something!
I just ruined my relashionship. I was diagnosed with bpd one month ago. Thank you so much for this eye opening video, it makes so much sense, this is what i would have needed from him, i tryed make him understand this without knowing how to put it in words and it came out in Aggressions! he couldnt do it, and i understand that, i was just to much to deal with. He need ro protect himself! He want nothing to do with me and sayes he thinks i am a bad person! I am very sad! I wish i would have found your video sooner! Thank you!
This is such a great message and great advice. Everything that you’ve says makes sense and I especially appreciate the part about how inconsistency can turn a person unsafe in their minds, and then they poke until they prove it. Thank you so much Dr Fox!
For relationship with bpd to work there are 2 important key factor. Number 1 the bpd person needs to be willing to seek treatment and improvement. Number 2 the lover have to be strong enough to handle all the stress. It won't work if any 1 of the 2 important factor is missing.
Thank you for emphasizing those 2 points, and that means that each party has to acknowledge their responsibility in order for the relationship to work. Not a small task. And very important.❤
Man this is so true. I’m the number 2. Waiting for the number 1 to gain some self awareness. 17 years of emotional abuse and we’re not there yet, but we are at least seeing therapists that can see it.
@@nathanventry4693 even if both party agree to work together, after decade, 1 of them might get tired and stop working. If such things happen it's the poor children who suffer.
Thank you for this video. This has made me reevaluate how I approach working through tough times with my spouse. I wish you had a book for loved ones of people with BPD! This information is a helpful resource.
Dr Fox I don't know exactly how to say exactly what I want but I am very grateful for your channel I am a 38 year old female who had a very terrifying life up to this point from misdiagnosis especially being diagnosed schizoaffective, having generalized anxiety, and having my BPD misdiagnosed as depression then bipolar then bipolar with psychosis and then it's 26 being told in prison that I have BPD and abandonment, betrayal... All the Above. But also my life started to take a positive turn in 2019 but after a year together my husband and me sorry to having some issues it had not came back to my memory that I have a diagnosed BPD but once I figured out or should I say remember that about the BPD diagnosis a few of my things in my life started making sense but also my life has got a lot more hectic because I don't didn't know and don't know exactly what this illness is I just know I'm always fearful.
This has been the most perfect video I've seen from Dr.Fox. I was just shaking my head and agreeing %100 so much that it i watched it 3 times in a row. Now for my husband to see we are at this moment separate in our studio after a fight where I really let loose some hurtful and button pushing things I've been keeping inside. And now I understand why I did that but he's still the bathroom with no idea because he doesn't educate himself like I plead him to do. Going to send him this video, tho. One of my top 10 for sure Dr.fox. Thank you.
Your videos are so helpful. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge on BPD in a way that is informative AND compassionate. Personally, I struggle with trusting people (therapists included), but watching your videos makes me wish I had a therapist like you.
Bro I'm watching vids of this stuff just because my bestie was a " possible subject of BPD". Literally if they wanted, they would. Hope u find sm1 xoxo
I just became friends with someone with BPD i had no idea what this was until now. Thank you for you help. I just wanna make sure shes as comfortable and happy as possible.
Meditation and getting the right nutrition has made the inner dialogue I heard my whole life disappear. I was frightened at first, as if my brain had been injured or something, but now inner dialogue only happens when ruminations pop up, which I have to almost try to get to happen so I can sort things out for myself about the past. I would let things in my mind come up, and not react, letting things go. Eventually they got tired and just stop trying to communicate.
That disclaimer at the start about people's somewhat insane perceptions of BPD online was really great to hear. I don't have it but I'm learning about it for someone close to me and most of what I encountered described people w/BPD as some inhuman monsters when the person I know is one of the kindest and self-aware people I've ever met. I can't imagine what it feels like to have it/suspect you have it and encounter that, it was a shock to me and I don't even have it!
I have a question regarding this. Is it the task of a male to "handle" a female or vice versa? "Handle" imo seems like a derogatory term as if the spouse is a puppy. I thought relations were based on mutual respect and understanding, not "handling" Sorry just curious
@@RandomViews619That’s the problem. All this therapist is recommending is conditioning - “training” the person. They never get better. All they mean by remission is that someone is regulating their emotions for them & taking care of them in every way. The instant their caretaker gets ill or needs support, they fall apart, because they were never better in the first place.
Every time I had a I guess BPD issue and I was angry and screaming and crying and my ex-husband would just tell me stop it he kept trying to tell me I was doing it for attention my suicidal threats were for attention not that I was potentially suicidal I was just trying to get attention😢 put on better now a better friends and they take care of me and I know if I ever feel that way again I just need to call them and they'll come and help me out with it so I can talk it out and calm down and get the voices get the family out of my head cuz seriously that means a lot to me you talking about the family in the head because yeah they are there and I talk a lot and so they do too and you know what they're annoying as hell 🙄
I remember telling my ex husband that despite my “faults” I choose to never stop hoping I’ll find a great love. Despite my shortcomings, I know I have a lot to offer to the right person that chooses to work with me in this struggle of mine and in turn I can give them the same. Thank you Dr. Fox. Your channel has been one of the biggest catalysts to me learning about myself and loving myself even more. Knowledge is power! I’m forever grateful to you and the others that continue to believe in “us”. Thank you thank you thank you ❤ Believe it or not, I’m not shameful but grateful for who I am (yes bpd traits included) as it has transformed me into the person I am today and that person isn’t so bad 💞, in fact she’s pretty great 🥰
A big problem with my ex, who had BPD, was her tendency to explode over seemingly minor things, like when I removed a lightbulb from a lamp once. On the surface, it seemed like she was upset about the lightbulb, but it was really tied to deeper abandonment issues she struggled to admit. I’m pretty good at taking accountability and acknowledging other people’s feelings, but she would often rage over neutral things I did, like the lightbulb. When I tried to explain what I was doing or why, she’d accuse me of defending myself. It always felt like I was wrong no matter what I did. This pattern made it nearly impossible to address the real issues, as arguments would leave me feeling like I was ALWAYS at fault, and unresolved problems were often left unspoken. It's very demoralizing, even though I knew she was devaluing me and it wasn't about me. It's hard not to take it to heart sometimes. I think they need to at least be in some kind of treatment in order for a relationship to work. She was untreated.
She was upset over the light bulb? I don't think a light bulb is related with abandonment issues but with anxiety disorders like hoarding or something and usually related from living in poverty or extreme canditions so they insane attachment to useless items. That's another mental condition : Hoarding But for women Borderline is the give away diagnosis
@@redleeks6253 not exactly. After some digging she revealed that she felt like I was 'packing up to secretly leave' which included 'taking' the lightbulb... So she took it as a sign that I was leaving her when that's not what I was doing at all...
Yeah kinda like pair bonding. Growing together through the problems with positive learning healing traumas as a competition unconditional love no matter what never give up.... Good Luck and remember to smile once in awhile..
Absolutely! Pair bonding and unconditional love are essential in navigating those challenges. It’s all about growing together and learning from each experience. Thanks for sharing your insights!
I find the always kind, helpful, positive talking parents of my BPD spouse have been harmful to him. He is unable to function in daily life bc all he’s ever heard is praise, so anything not praising him is wildly difficult. He has been catered to his entire life. He has no empathy. I see lots of support for BPD patients, but not nearly enough for the abused, isolated spouses trying to hold everything together
It’s really tough to navigate these dynamics, and it’s understandable to feel overwhelmed. Finding the right balance between support and encouraging independence is crucial. Thank you for sharing your experience; it sheds light on an important aspect of the conversation.
@@DrDanielFox this and many, I have been following for years, from my old account. Thank you again, you are very supportive and positive. Muchas Gracias Dr. Fox.
I was in a relationship with someone with BPD. It was difficult. I had to learn how to respond to every mood swing, rage, intense emotion, insults, and criticisms. It hurt so bad but had to remember not to take it personally. Every time I stayed after he had a split he would come and hug me and tell me that he believes that I love him because I stayed. There were times when I left because I couldn’t tolerate the disrespect. And he would accuse me of betraying him.
It is a rollercoaster!!! My POI loves me then has inappropriate relationships with female coworkers, lies, drinks/drugs and goes OFF on me when I call him out on his behavior hurting me. Swearing yelling slamming things. He has a TERRIBLE hair trigger temper. I love him and I am scared of him at the same time 😢 A mess!
Thank you so much Dr. Fox for speaking so optimistically about BPD. Sometimes it seems that the whole internet was demonizing it. Your videos motivate me so much to keep fighting this disorder TOGETHER with my pwBPD. Hugs from Spain
I was diagnosed 30 years ago with BPD but given no help. My person was my sister with whom I’ve always done everything. When I was having a massive meltdown one day she walked away and left me terrified. She was gone for 2 days. Now she never does anything with me and doesn’t want to, just tells me the only person I can ever 100% trust in this world is myself. I’m single as I’ve never been able to hold down a romantic relationship due to sexual abuse as a child. I have no friends and am looking after my elderly parents 24/7. I can’t afford therapy so I’m going to get your BPD card deck and work book Dr Fox. I’m hoping this may help me somewhat. Oh and I also have severe anxiety, depression and medical hypochondriasis .
Great video as always Dr. Fox...and as always, I have to admit to being guilty of doing most the things you say not to in response to having a partner with BPD 😅. I would love to hear your opinion regarding what to do when your partner with BPD violates your boundaries and how to respond to that...particularly when those boundary violations appear a lot like coercive control, and are therefore unacceptable in the relationship.
I’ve been practicing these things with my BPD spouse for awhile now with little success. I’m trying to have compassion, but one thing that I can’t understand is how in the peak of disregulation and abusive behaviors they can switch it off in a split second when the doorbell rings, and they can put on this show like their world is perfect and pretend to be loving and kind to you in front of others. Leaving me looking like I’m the problem because the wounding words have left me looking a little sad and gloomy to the outsider from the recent vomiting of every hurtful insult under the sun. This feels like an incomprehensible level of evil. And if they are not evil, then what is the explanation for this. To me it shows they have perfect self control when they want to, but not when it comes to trying to destroy emotionally. She has smeared me so badly to our friends they all think I’m the one with mental health issues. Thankfully our therapist knows better and I have that keeping me sane.
It is under the same umbrella as narcissism. Being able to turn it all off on a dime when someone shows up at the door or the phone rings is their image management. And it is freaky as can be. And you even had a smear campaign against you. Hard to be patient and caring with people who are actively destroying your life. There is a distinct lack of accountability too, kind of like “Hey, I was drunk I didn’t know what I was doing. Where is my get out of jail free card. Oh yeah, it’s you being “patient” with me while I rip you to shreds. ‘
@ interesting. It’s really hard to comprehend that ability. If I’m upset, it’s really hard to pretend things are normal. She is receiving therapy so I’m hanging on as long as I can in hopes for a better future. But trying to realize this just may be our life together. She has managed to convince our peers that I’m super domineering and just I just don’t like alcohol so I try to control her. When in reality she does whatever she wants and always has. They don’t see what happens behinds closed doors after she drinks to understand why I’m not supportive of her drinking. While her friends can drink in moderation, they don’t have a clue to how much she’s drinking when nobody’s looking and how well she can look normal till they leave and I get the brunt of her disregulation.
I think one thing thats still important that was not really in this video is that the person with BPD also needs to want to change too. You shouldnt convince them as you said in the seeking therapy part but they do need to tell you they want to work on changing their default behavior because that gives space for you to commit, be honest and be responsible as the partner. Otherwise the burden of the relationship is fully on the partner of the person with BPD
You bring up an important point! Change requires willingness from both partners for a healthy relationship dynamic. It's all about teamwork and mutual commitment.
I wish someone cared enough about me and my feelings that they’d be willing to learn about my triggers and then actively implement strategies to help keep our relationship together
I agree. If I had cancer my parents would want to learn about everything about it and how they can help. With BPD I'm just told I'm rude, etc by parents but they can't tell me what ways they can help deescalate.
Sorry, I'm only at 4:42...maybe you explain and I haven't gotten there yet. I just wanted to ask folks with experience. How do I take time to calm down or think without triggering the fear of abandonment? This has been a major hurdle. I'm a pretty passionate person as well.... I can't respond like a robot immediately. Even if I do, that doesn't go well either. I feel like I have to respond authentically AND perfectly. I have failed so far so now he says it's not safe for him to talk to me. Any advice, please and thank you!
Best advice is to leave if he isn’t self aware and isn’t taking MAJOR steps on improving. You also need to be highly aware and basically form your life around his emotional well being at the same time. Are you a therapist? Do you like being a parent to a grown man? If not, run.
My person with suspected BPD commonly will go from happy happy happy to suddenly “I wish you loved me.” I’ll say “I do love you.” “No you don’t” and the spiral happens and then the explosion. What is happening?? Can anyone help me figure out what to say to that.
2.5 years I tried my absolute best to love my ex, I gave her everything I could, put up with and made excuses for all her abuse, neglect, discarding and control. Finally she admitted she could have BPD, started to apologise and I really hoped she could be different… then her attacks intensified. I have a cut off point, I have to block her and have no contact until the day I die. I have nothing left to give, she was destroying me and didn’t even care.
I'm really sorry to hear about your experience. It sounds incredibly tough, and prioritizing your mental health is essential. Remember, it’s okay to set boundaries for your well-being.
I don't know if you have ever been in an actual relationship with an untreated BPD person, but they can be a daily portal to hell experience. For your own sanity, do yourself a favor and take care of yourself and get away.
My dad already diagnosed with bpd in his late teens of young adulthood period n take medicine for few years. But once he date my mum, he refuse to continue treatment and therapy. Mum was extremely good towards him for years thus he didn't really have bpd rage that is beyond control. He assume he recovered. A decade post dating and marriage, my mum decided that she had enough. She will concentrate on herself and her children instead after being beaten up by dad countless times. Dad bpd was out of control since then. There will be 2 to 3 times a year where his rage can last more than a month. Sometime it's more than 2 months. It's a pain to be family member of someone with bpd. I will rather die than marry a bpd. I really had enough from my bpd dad. My brother already end contact with dad and refuse to visit him when he is warded post spinal surgery. My sister refuse to talk to him and lock herself in room or simply stay over at her bf house whenever my dad in rage. I stay for my mum's sake as she never been to school for a day and cannot survive without my aid.
What if the person reacts to " I" statements in the same manner as you if you used "You " statements? I have encountered anger from them, regardless of taking care to carefully word my statements to them.
If she poked me...and i freaked out as in i was scared i guess? Not angry freak out. And she saw i wasnt dependable. Is it fixable? Or am i hanging on so tightly for nothing? I'm still scared but have been putting on a mask and trying to stay consistent and show her progress. And trying to help her at the same time. Its like she one day just flipped a switch and became a whole different person.
The important thing is to not diagnose, use diagnosis and symptoms as a way to navigate but at the end of the day ultimately it is up to them to seek help. DO NOT STAY IN A VIOLENT OR ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. regardless of how much empathy or sympathy that you have to offer some ppl with BPD may also and or be narcissists so you have to take real time notes of behaviors and characteristics in order to discern. Speaking to people that are like me, it is not so easy to walk away or leave. To ad maintaining boundaries can cause more conflict due to said partner not understanding why you're choosing to do said things. Any decision opposite of what they feel or need will feel like a personal attack
I'm really struggling in my relationship do to my bpd and I don't take medicine it's so hard I live this person with all my soul and I feel like I'm ruining it bc my damn bpd
It feels like a person with BPD can't be a full partner? I need someone who can support me sometimes too. It sounds like the only way to make it work is to ignore my own needs. Especially since he is my only support network. And i am his. 😢
Do you feel like after a while that your BPD partner is choosing to not change and do the work? Why am I the only person in their world that they can’t “control” their emotions? We are waiting to find the right therapist and or treatment.
If you realize youre in a relationship with someone who has BPD here is my advice... Throw your phone in the ocean, change your name and move to another country in the middle of the night!
I wonder if anyone has advice about getting help in the UK when I've be an told having BPD excludes me from available talking therapies. I'm trying to wing it with my partner of 5years help. And feel like I've hit a recovery wall.
There are some amazing self learning resources, including from Dr. Fox, but also others! Get the BPD and DBT card decks and Dr. Fox's workbook. Look for support groups online and locally - key words are "DBT SKILLS"
I have a hard time dealing with the push and pull. It is heartbreaking 💔 I'm not sure what's going on! All I know is I feel I have to love him from a distance 😢
As soon as someone says, "if you do ____ then i will _____." Then I can no longer hold back on the impulse to do that thing.. Im starting to realize WHY I am like that, but that still only helps so much. If you give people with bpd ultimatums, you are practically manipulating them into doing that thing, even though you want them to do the opposite.
It’s really insightful that you’re recognizing this pattern. Understanding our responses is a big step toward managing them better. Communication is key in any relationship!
Makes sense . I think however I have also seen that if the BPD is accused of something they didn't do repeatedly, they will go and do it. Is this a fair deduction?
What you are saying is that the work is on you and only you? what about the partner? Do they do the work to make the relationship or You are pulling the boat by yourself?
There are so many videos about partners with BPD. The partner has a Herculean task of managing both their partners emotions and their own emotions while recognizing that their partner’s emotions need to take priority to their’s. It’s exhaustingly hard to make it work. Anyone that has been in a relationship with someone with BPD knows the insane amount of work required to maintain.
I'm torn 20 years of marr,her mother dies and she ask me for a seperation, she was diagnosed Bipolar, but she checks every box for BDP, how do you tell the difference between Bipolar and BPD? It's also nice to find someone speaking positive about disorder, I've heard all sorts of things from them being demon possessed, thankfully I don't believe every thing I hear
It's definitely challenging to navigate relationships with complex mental health issues. It might be helpful to consult a mental health professional who can provide clarity on the differences between Bipolar Disorder and BPD. Communication and understanding are key in these situations.
Is a symptom of BPD criticizing you ridiculously hard as someone in a relationship with them, meanwhile kind of outting all of their friends on a pedestal?
My boyfriend is trying his best but I don't even know if he can handle me anymore. I've been through treatment I've been hospitalized I've tried so hard but it's getting more difficult for him to handle things. He still believes in me but this break is making me think he's leaving. It sucks.
It's completely understandable to feel this way during tough times. Remember, communication is key. Talk to him about how you’re feeling; it might help both of you find a way through this together.
I have BPD and I have been married for 16 years. I've always felt blessed to have someone who loves me enough to not give up.
He’s also lucky to have you because you didn’t give up on him. Mine decided to abandon me after i changed so much and put so much effort to level with her.
@@rayanskafi8974I am so sorry you had to go through that. I can’t imagine how painful it felt!
@@kingsolomon3175 I make the same prayer most days
Do u feel u treat him better now cause he's proven he loves u. Like how often do u guys actually fight or u yell at them? I know hard question but I'm trying but I'm so tired of being yelled out of very simple things
I am surprised someone with BPD admits it. My wife has all the symptoms and behaviors of BPD but she never wants to get diagnosed or treated.
It would be nice if you could suggest how you are aware of having BPD and how to make my wife understand and get her into treatment. Thank you!!
I love my BPD partner. It’s been almost five years. Thank you for making this video. I found so much negativity around bpd and stigma in a lot of videos. No tip, no advice, just “warning signs” of hard times ahead. Please watch this video, it’s so important, keep a note pad and writing utensil near by.
I don't really know what to say, I'm just really grateful for this channel and for all the people that are willing to take a closer look at people with BPD and try to understand and see the goodness in them, because no one really had to. Thank you for validating the sheer magnitude of time and effort it takes to change. It's like having to rebuild your house when you're still living in it. If one part shifts, you have to go back and repair another part and it's disorienting and sometimes harrowing work. It's painful for all involved, but I think we all imagine a safe, secure home that we can rest in and maybe it even means that much more because we have worked so hard for it, and the relationships that helped us get there mean that much more because these people have seen us at our absolute worst.
Also, phish food. That is all.
You’re very welcome.
@@DrDanielFox where does the line begins and ends that says it’s okay for one person to be allowed to abuse the other person (usually an intimate partner or family member), because…
Dr Fox is just the best source of information on the internet about BPD! He comes from a heart of LOVE, COMPASSION, PATIENCE, and UNDERSTANDING!
@@Belizeanqueenie 1 million percent
Bpd apologist. All these ppl are abusive.
I just need this man to give me a long comforting hug, I felt completely cared for for the first time
I'm so glad to hear you felt cared for! Emotional support is so important in relationships, and it's great that you found that comfort.
Thank you for this, not long ago I ran into a video for people with loved ones with BPD and everything I heard freaked me out, I thought "if I show this to my partner he will leave me for sure". This is more accurate and helpful.
Yep exactly
I doubt he would, your partner probably cares more about you than anecdotal worst case cases from the internet.
@@MyValki probably but what I mean is there's videos about bpd (not this one) that just put the bad sides of it, and show it as if people with bpd are the worst.
Labels aside: this information is so good for everyone to establish and maintain good relationships and manage personal emotions. It’s a spectrum and everyone feels all the human emotions and thinks the thoughts. It’s about optimizing behavior and letting the best parts of ourselves shine
Sounds easy but not realistic depends how on the,spectrum they are. I have lived with a person with severe bpd and refuses help and any therapy. It is absolutely consuming chaos!! I stay healthy by distancing myself and staying informed about his mental health issue. Educate , the Mal adaptive behavior is spot on! Know my triggers..because he goes for the juggler vein instantly.
Thank you Dr Fox . I’ve been watching your videos after a recent break up. I have BPD and worry that I will never be able to have a lasting romantic relationship. Your expertise and knowledge is a blessing, I don’t think I’ve felt this understood. You explain what it’s like so well!
Much love to this community
Hi Dr. Fox and all,
I have BPD, and I blew my life up these past few months. I have now been sober from alcohol 3 months this Friday. I realized im more likely to self-destruct for instant gratification when drinking and feeling low and lonely. Im a work in progress. I got my karma for falling for a man who used me and controlled me, i sabotoged a 'boring lacking intimacy almoat 8 year **stable** relationship, as a result. I definitely have had a lot of lessons. I'm definitely codependent and crave the wrong people. I have been going to AA meetings regularly to be in a supportive sober environment and have a sponsor. Im now single, and its so terrifying, i used to settle for whatever as long as im not 'alone'. I'm back in college again, so at least I'll be more busy. The nights are the hardest.
Thank you ❤❤
I see and hear you. As a human also living with this diagnosis and having some sober time under my belt now. I've worked in the crisis field, and used to frequently communicate that "the longest relationship we ever have is with ourselves". But damn if it ain't hard to trust yourself, or practice that empathy and patience with ourselves, with borderline. But one thing I can kind of bank on, in days of mental or emotional struggle, or even having thoughts of drinking again - I just ask my digital personal assistant to remind me how many days it's been since 12/19/21. 991 days. I've made a choice for that many days to adhere to a boundary I set for myself [with the help from other folks with lived sober time, and my mental health practitioners..etc]. And when I find it too hard to reach out, I remind myself that when I don't - it has such potential to spiral.
Tmrw I am getting back in with a group DBT meeting [dialectical behavioral therapy]. I've done that before, but it was before I ever sobered up from alcohol. I keep having reactions to things, and with my complex ptsd, sometimes I don't fully understand what trauma I'm time traveling to [flash backs].
I believe in you [you as in plural, anyone reading this comment, if it resonates with you; you've got this!] !!!
You are doing the best you can! Everyone can work on themselves. Be proud of yourself!
I have BPD and I’m in remission. I’ve had to go through a highly specific life path in order to understand my own toxic behaviors, and how they can hurt other people in ways that I never realized they did. So long as the borderline is willing to understand their own triggers learn to control their behaviors. There is a chance they’re loving and devoted partners. Beware of covert narcissists that appear to be a borderlines.
Remission????
@@sandypemberton1332 yup
Congrats on your remission. It’s hard work. What was your road to diagnosis and treatment like and how long did it take to get to this point?
Borderlines are narcissists. Just a different variation.b
@@ashleyshuler978 I started my self improvement journey at 20 and I am now 30.
After years of therapy and DBT classes, I’m in a successful career and looking for my patient partner. Thankful to my family to supporting me. I’ll def show my future partners this video. Here’s so all the people who said I couldn’t with bpd
I tried to educate myself as much as I could when my ex boyfriend told me he was diagnosed with BPD. Last Thursday I couldn't hold my feelings in anymore. He lost it. Packed up his belongings and blocked me on everything. After two years, it ended with me covered in bruises, financially drained, and mentally burnt out. All it took was one time for me to standup to him, for a 30 year old man who's 6'0 to throw me around when I am 5'0 and 80 pounds less than him. I never laid a hand on him or destroyed any of his belongings. All I did was tell him I will no longer let him degrade me.
this is so scary and sad 😢so should we stop people with bpd from being in a relationship?
@@lnamohmedno lol. Plenty of people with bpd make decent partners
Sounds accurate. There’s lots of BPD support out there, but not nearly enough for the victims of these ppl. It’s difficult to be on the receiving end of it
I’m sorry you’re going through this but I want to let you know a similar situation happened to me and you’re not alone.
When I enforced boundaries he started going crazy, and our relationship of 10 years imploded.
Mine gets physical n them acts like nothing happened
Dr, Fox For me this is an eye opening video for partners who love a person with BPD. I practically did everything opposite that was mentioned in the video even though I was learning all I could about BPD. I believe , in part, what I was learning was from sources, albeit credible, that explained BPD from a hardened angle. The 5 year relationship I had with the BPD ex gf ruptured weeks ago and now she's with another guy who hopefully is better for her. She was very aware and she knew that I wasn't her guy since i now see how poorly equipped I was to work with her symptoms. Although we occasionally went there, now I better understand where I fell short for her.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It’s tough to navigate relationships with BPD, and understanding what went wrong is a significant step forward. Wishing you the best as you heal and grow from this.
You have a very good understanding of this disorder and the devastating effects on people with it.
I totally agree with you!
Many therapists should also watch and learn from him
This is exactly what I needed today. Thank you.
Patience and empathy... I wish people would practice this more during a rage episode. My ex would fall into my bpd "trap" so to speak and argue right back with me, making me spiral even worse. The few times he did shut it down, while still not very empathetic, worked because he told me CALMLY that he was done with it.
Also, LET US WALK AWAY IF WE NEED TO!!! I've been accused of stone walling. No, I am trying to remove myself from the situation before I get any worse and can think rationally. I don't think people understand how bad we can lose control and can't seem to stop v
I agree and glad you liked the video.
Thank you for sharing your experience. Just happened to the wife and I this morning. We're still learning. We're both stubborn, but peace comes sooner as we realize what we are doing.
Patience and empathy during a rage episode… I would have empathy for myself at that point if someone was raging at me and get out of there and to safety (that includes mental safety) as soon as possible.
@@ShivaSolenteithis. We are not responsible for someone else’s rages. Maybe Op didn’t mean that exactly but hopefully she’ll have the insight to see she just blamed her husband for spiralling into a worse rage because he argued *back*. We can only take so much: after 15 years I no longer the have patience and empathy I did in the first 5-10 years. It is so effing hard to be in relationships with chaos.
And hence the problem.....there will always be people in society telling people with empathy, love, and stability to exercise MORE of it. We already have it, and are being abused because we have it!!! NO! We don't need MORE of anything....emotionally unregulated,abusive people...they are lacking....you having more of something will never eliminate someone else's l lack of something!
I just ruined my relashionship. I was diagnosed with bpd one month ago.
Thank you so much for this eye opening video, it makes so much sense, this is what i would have needed from him, i tryed make him understand this without knowing how to put it in words and it came out in Aggressions! he couldnt do it, and i understand that, i was just to much to deal with.
He need ro protect himself!
He want nothing to do with me and sayes he thinks i am a bad person!
I am very sad!
I wish i would have found your video sooner! Thank you!
This is such a great message and great advice. Everything that you’ve says makes sense and I especially appreciate the part about how inconsistency can turn a person unsafe in their minds, and then they poke until they prove it. Thank you so much Dr Fox!
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
Massively appreciate your videos! What would a relationship with a quiet BPD look like? I would love a video on quiet BPD
He's the greatest!
Same, having a hard time dealing with someone with qBPD
For relationship with bpd to work there are 2 important key factor.
Number 1 the bpd person needs to be willing to seek treatment and improvement.
Number 2 the lover have to be strong enough to handle all the stress.
It won't work if any 1 of the 2 important factor is missing.
Thank you for emphasizing those 2 points, and that means that each party has to acknowledge their responsibility in order for the relationship to work. Not a small task.
And very important.❤
Man this is so true. I’m the number 2. Waiting for the number 1 to gain some self awareness. 17 years of emotional abuse and we’re not there yet, but we are at least seeing therapists that can see it.
@@kingsolomon3175 wish you good luck. I am daughter of a bdp dad.
@@nathanventry4693 even if both party agree to work together, after decade, 1 of them might get tired and stop working. If such things happen it's the poor children who suffer.
@@kingsolomon3175I hope you find your peace one day ❤
Thank you for this video. This has made me reevaluate how I approach working through tough times with my spouse. I wish you had a book for loved ones of people with BPD! This information is a helpful resource.
Dr Fox I don't know exactly how to say exactly what I want but I am very grateful for your channel I am a 38 year old female who had a very terrifying life up to this point from misdiagnosis especially being diagnosed schizoaffective, having generalized anxiety, and having my BPD misdiagnosed as depression then bipolar then bipolar with psychosis and then it's 26 being told in prison that I have BPD and abandonment, betrayal... All the Above.
But also my life started to take a positive turn in 2019 but after a year together my husband and me sorry to having some issues it had not came back to my memory that I have a diagnosed BPD but once I figured out or should I say remember that about the BPD diagnosis a few of my things in my life started making sense but also my life has got a lot more hectic because I don't didn't know and don't know exactly what this illness is I just know I'm always fearful.
This has been the most perfect video I've seen from Dr.Fox. I was just shaking my head and agreeing %100 so much that it i watched it 3 times in a row. Now for my husband to see we are at this moment separate in our studio after a fight where I really let loose some hurtful and button pushing things I've been keeping inside. And now I understand why I did that but he's still the bathroom with no idea because he doesn't educate himself like I plead him to do. Going to send him this video, tho. One of my top 10 for sure Dr.fox. Thank you.
You’re very welcome
Your videos are so helpful. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge on BPD in a way that is informative AND compassionate. Personally, I struggle with trusting people (therapists included), but watching your videos makes me wish I had a therapist like you.
You are very welcome
I totally agree with you!
Many therapists should also watch and learn from his videos
I have BPD and I have NEVER met a person in my life who was interested in understanding my personality disorder
Well everyone viewing this video and videos like it is trying to learn more.
They exist luckily
Bro I'm watching vids of this stuff just because my bestie was a " possible subject of BPD". Literally if they wanted, they would. Hope u find sm1 xoxo
THIS
I hate the stigma around it.
I just became friends with someone with BPD i had no idea what this was until now. Thank you for you help. I just wanna make sure shes as comfortable and happy as possible.
Meditation and getting the right nutrition has made the inner dialogue I heard my whole life disappear. I was frightened at first, as if my brain had been injured or something, but now inner dialogue only happens when ruminations pop up, which I have to almost try to get to happen so I can sort things out for myself about the past. I would let things in my mind come up, and not react, letting things go. Eventually they got tired and just stop trying to communicate.
That disclaimer at the start about people's somewhat insane perceptions of BPD online was really great to hear. I don't have it but I'm learning about it for someone close to me and most of what I encountered described people w/BPD as some inhuman monsters when the person I know is one of the kindest and self-aware people I've ever met. I can't imagine what it feels like to have it/suspect you have it and encounter that, it was a shock to me and I don't even have it!
I would say that every male should be this skilled to manage such relationships, if you are able to manage this, you can manage any relationship
I have a question regarding this. Is it the task of a male to "handle" a female or vice versa?
"Handle" imo seems like a derogatory term as if the spouse is a puppy. I thought relations were based on mutual respect and understanding, not "handling"
Sorry just curious
@@RandomViews619That’s the problem. All this therapist is recommending is conditioning - “training” the person. They never get better. All they mean by remission is that someone is regulating their emotions for them & taking care of them in every way. The instant their caretaker gets ill or needs support, they fall apart, because they were never better in the first place.
Every time I had a I guess BPD issue and I was angry and screaming and crying and my ex-husband would just tell me stop it he kept trying to tell me I was doing it for attention my suicidal threats were for attention not that I was potentially suicidal I was just trying to get attention😢 put on better now a better friends and they take care of me and I know if I ever feel that way again I just need to call them and they'll come and help me out with it so I can talk it out and calm down and get the voices get the family out of my head cuz seriously that means a lot to me you talking about the family in the head because yeah they are there and I talk a lot and so they do too and you know what they're annoying as hell 🙄
Incredibly helpful and crucial information. I take it to heart.
I remember telling my ex husband that despite my “faults” I choose to never stop hoping I’ll find a great love. Despite my shortcomings, I know I have a lot to offer to the right person that chooses to work with me in this struggle of mine and in turn I can give them the same. Thank you Dr. Fox. Your channel has been one of the biggest catalysts to me learning about myself and loving myself even more. Knowledge is power! I’m forever grateful to you and the others that continue to believe in “us”. Thank you thank you thank you ❤
Believe it or not, I’m not shameful but grateful for who I am (yes bpd traits included) as it has transformed me into the person I am today and that person isn’t so bad 💞, in fact she’s pretty great 🥰
That's awesome to feel that way, as you should!!!! Keep up the good work. All your dreams will come true!!!!
@@johnbunalski2414 💞
@@johnbunalski2414 💞
❤❤
This was so extremely validating and well spoken. I will be sending to my circle of people thank you so much!
Excellent explanation of Transference and Countertransference between partners!
This is a great video Dr. Fox, thank you for sharing
Thank you for this video, Dr. I am a therapist and struggle with these clients, I am always trying to educate myself more about it.
A big problem with my ex, who had BPD, was her tendency to explode over seemingly minor things, like when I removed a lightbulb from a lamp once. On the surface, it seemed like she was upset about the lightbulb, but it was really tied to deeper abandonment issues she struggled to admit.
I’m pretty good at taking accountability and acknowledging other people’s feelings, but she would often rage over neutral things I did, like the lightbulb. When I tried to explain what I was doing or why, she’d accuse me of defending myself. It always felt like I was wrong no matter what I did. This pattern made it nearly impossible to address the real issues, as arguments would leave me feeling like I was ALWAYS at fault, and unresolved problems were often left unspoken. It's very demoralizing, even though I knew she was devaluing me and it wasn't about me. It's hard not to take it to heart sometimes.
I think they need to at least be in some kind of treatment in order for a relationship to work. She was untreated.
She was upset over the light bulb? I don't think a light bulb is related with abandonment issues but with anxiety disorders like hoarding or something and usually related from living in poverty or extreme canditions so they insane attachment to useless items.
That's another mental condition : Hoarding
But for women Borderline is the give away diagnosis
So they might have OCD too? If true, that is a dangerous combination
@@redleeks6253 not exactly. After some digging she revealed that she felt like I was 'packing up to secretly leave' which included 'taking' the lightbulb... So she took it as a sign that I was leaving her when that's not what I was doing at all...
Yeah kinda like pair bonding. Growing together through the problems with positive learning healing traumas as a competition unconditional love no matter what never give up.... Good Luck and remember to smile once in awhile..
Absolutely! Pair bonding and unconditional love are essential in navigating those challenges. It’s all about growing together and learning from each experience. Thanks for sharing your insights!
I find the always kind, helpful, positive talking parents of my BPD spouse have been harmful to him. He is unable to function in daily life bc all he’s ever heard is praise, so anything not praising him is wildly difficult. He has been catered to his entire life. He has no empathy. I see lots of support for BPD patients, but not nearly enough for the abused, isolated spouses trying to hold everything together
It’s really tough to navigate these dynamics, and it’s understandable to feel overwhelmed. Finding the right balance between support and encouraging independence is crucial. Thank you for sharing your experience; it sheds light on an important aspect of the conversation.
Excellent guidance, thank you very much Dr. Fox.
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
@@DrDanielFox this and many, I have been following for years, from my old account. Thank you again, you are very supportive and positive. Muchas Gracias Dr. Fox.
I love that my boyfriend is doing all of this because it's who he is and how he is as a person
Isn't it hard tho the egg shells
Wow, love your videos!! 🎉
Thank you for this video, i have been married for 8 years now who has bpd. this explains a lot and helps
Glad it was helpful!
I was in a relationship with someone with BPD. It was difficult. I had to learn how to respond to every mood swing, rage, intense emotion, insults, and criticisms. It hurt so bad but had to remember not to take it personally. Every time I stayed after he had a split he would come and hug me and tell me that he believes that I love him because I stayed. There were times when I left because I couldn’t tolerate the disrespect. And he would accuse me of betraying him.
It is a rollercoaster!!! My POI loves me then has inappropriate relationships with female coworkers, lies, drinks/drugs and goes OFF on me when I call him out on his behavior hurting me. Swearing yelling slamming things. He has a TERRIBLE hair trigger temper. I love him and I am scared of him at the same time 😢 A mess!
This is so valuable when looking for a provider (therapy or dbt skills) Nice check list.
You’re welcome.
Thank you so much Dr. Fox for speaking so optimistically about BPD. Sometimes it seems that the whole internet was demonizing it.
Your videos motivate me so much to keep fighting this disorder TOGETHER with my pwBPD.
Hugs from Spain
I was diagnosed 30 years ago with BPD but given no help. My person was my sister with whom I’ve always done everything. When I was having a massive meltdown one day she walked away and left me terrified. She was gone for 2 days. Now she never does anything with me and doesn’t want to, just tells me the only person I can ever 100% trust in this world is myself.
I’m single as I’ve never been able to hold down a romantic relationship due to sexual abuse as a child. I have no friends and am looking after my elderly parents 24/7. I can’t afford therapy so I’m going to get your BPD card deck and work book Dr Fox. I’m hoping this may help me somewhat. Oh and I also have severe anxiety, depression and medical hypochondriasis .
Thank you very much for that😊
Great video as always Dr. Fox...and as always, I have to admit to being guilty of doing most the things you say not to in response to having a partner with BPD 😅. I would love to hear your opinion regarding what to do when your partner with BPD violates your boundaries and how to respond to that...particularly when those boundary violations appear a lot like coercive control, and are therefore unacceptable in the relationship.
Ty doctor for the beneficial tips
Thankyou for your wellspring of insight and advice
I’ve been practicing these things with my BPD spouse for awhile now with little success. I’m trying to have compassion, but one thing that I can’t understand is how in the peak of disregulation and abusive behaviors they can switch it off in a split second when the doorbell rings, and they can put on this show like their world is perfect and pretend to be loving and kind to you in front of others. Leaving me looking like I’m the problem because the wounding words have left me looking a little sad and gloomy to the outsider from the recent vomiting of every hurtful insult under the sun.
This feels like an incomprehensible level of evil. And if they are not evil, then what is the explanation for this. To me it shows they have perfect self control when they want to, but not when it comes to trying to destroy emotionally. She has smeared me so badly to our friends they all think I’m the one with mental health issues. Thankfully our therapist knows better and I have that keeping me sane.
It is under the same umbrella as narcissism. Being able to turn it all off on a dime when someone shows up at the door or the phone rings is their image management. And it is freaky as can be. And you even had a smear campaign against you. Hard to be patient and caring with people who are actively destroying your life. There is a distinct lack of accountability too, kind of like “Hey, I was drunk I didn’t know what I was doing. Where is my get out of jail free card. Oh yeah, it’s you being “patient” with me while I rip you to shreds. ‘
@ interesting. It’s really hard to comprehend that ability. If I’m upset, it’s really hard to pretend things are normal. She is receiving therapy so I’m hanging on as long as I can in hopes for a better future. But trying to realize this just may be our life together. She has managed to convince our peers that I’m super domineering and just I just don’t like alcohol so I try to control her. When in reality she does whatever she wants and always has. They don’t see what happens behinds closed doors after she drinks to understand why I’m not supportive of her drinking. While her friends can drink in moderation, they don’t have a clue to how much she’s drinking when nobody’s looking and how well she can look normal till they leave and I get the brunt of her disregulation.
Sounds more like a narcissist than BPD.
I think one thing thats still important that was not really in this video is that the person with BPD also needs to want to change too. You shouldnt convince them as you said in the seeking therapy part but they do need to tell you they want to work on changing their default behavior because that gives space for you to commit, be honest and be responsible as the partner. Otherwise the burden of the relationship is fully on the partner of the person with BPD
You bring up an important point! Change requires willingness from both partners for a healthy relationship dynamic. It's all about teamwork and mutual commitment.
It was a helpful video. Idk if I’ve got it in me to put that much work in anymore…I’m exhausted. But in practice and theory your advice is sound.
Thanks for all your informative videos.😑🤓👍🏾
I wish someone cared enough about me and my feelings that they’d be willing to learn about my triggers and then actively implement strategies to help keep our relationship together
It's really important to have that kind of understanding and support in a relationship. Open communication about triggers can make a huge difference!
Seek therapy or it won’t work
I've never heard anyone explain bpd so well! Thank you for your knowledge & compassion! 👏🏼❤️🩹 I have that workbook on the left! Lol
this video and the comments section gives me hope
Good man and content. Many thanks
Thank you for this video! ❤🧡💛
I agree. If I had cancer my parents would want to learn about everything about it and how they can help. With BPD I'm just told I'm rude, etc by parents but they can't tell me what ways they can help deescalate.
Thankyou for your wellspring of insight and device
Sorry, I'm only at 4:42...maybe you explain and I haven't gotten there yet. I just wanted to ask folks with experience. How do I take time to calm down or think without triggering the fear of abandonment? This has been a major hurdle. I'm a pretty passionate person as well.... I can't respond like a robot immediately. Even if I do, that doesn't go well either. I feel like I have to respond authentically AND perfectly. I have failed so far so now he says it's not safe for him to talk to me. Any advice, please and thank you!
Best advice is to leave if he isn’t self aware and isn’t taking MAJOR steps on improving. You also need to be highly aware and basically form your life around his emotional well being at the same time. Are you a therapist? Do you like being a parent to a grown man? If not, run.
23:18 .. who is being addressed here ? The normal partner or the one with BPD ?
What a huge and powerful and heavy video. Like wow.
I’m so glad you liked it
My person with suspected BPD commonly will go from happy happy happy to suddenly “I wish you loved me.” I’ll say “I do love you.” “No you don’t” and the spiral happens and then the explosion. What is happening?? Can anyone help me figure out what to say to that.
2.5 years I tried my absolute best to love my ex, I gave her everything I could, put up with and made excuses for all her abuse, neglect, discarding and control. Finally she admitted she could have BPD, started to apologise and I really hoped she could be different… then her attacks intensified. I have a cut off point, I have to block her and have no contact until the day I die. I have nothing left to give, she was destroying me and didn’t even care.
I'm really sorry to hear about your experience. It sounds incredibly tough, and prioritizing your mental health is essential. Remember, it’s okay to set boundaries for your well-being.
I don't know if you have ever been in an actual relationship with an untreated BPD person, but they can be a daily portal to hell experience. For your own sanity, do yourself a favor and take care of yourself and get away.
What do you do, Dr.Fox, if the family member won’t acknowledge their BPD, much less get help for it? This was a great teaching tool.
My dad already diagnosed with bpd in his late teens of young adulthood period n take medicine for few years. But once he date my mum, he refuse to continue treatment and therapy. Mum was extremely good towards him for years thus he didn't really have bpd rage that is beyond control. He assume he recovered.
A decade post dating and marriage, my mum decided that she had enough. She will concentrate on herself and her children instead after being beaten up by dad countless times.
Dad bpd was out of control since then. There will be 2 to 3 times a year where his rage can last more than a month. Sometime it's more than 2 months.
It's a pain to be family member of someone with bpd. I will rather die than marry a bpd. I really had enough from my bpd dad. My brother already end contact with dad and refuse to visit him when he is warded post spinal surgery.
My sister refuse to talk to him and lock herself in room or simply stay over at her bf house whenever my dad in rage.
I stay for my mum's sake as she never been to school for a day and cannot survive without my aid.
What if the person reacts to " I" statements in the same manner as you if you used "You " statements? I have encountered anger from them, regardless of taking care to carefully word my statements to them.
But what is the difference between bpd and narcissism???? Please explain
Please tell me you recommend a BPD specialist in Tennessee.
Avoid triggering situations.... AKA every freaking second! 😅
Excellent
If she poked me...and i freaked out as in i was scared i guess? Not angry freak out. And she saw i wasnt dependable. Is it fixable? Or am i hanging on so tightly for nothing? I'm still scared but have been putting on a mask and trying to stay consistent and show her progress. And trying to help her at the same time. Its like she one day just flipped a switch and became a whole different person.
The important thing is to not diagnose, use diagnosis and symptoms as a way to navigate but at the end of the day ultimately it is up to them to seek help. DO NOT STAY IN A VIOLENT OR ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. regardless of how much empathy or sympathy that you have to offer some ppl with BPD may also and or be narcissists so you have to take real time notes of behaviors and characteristics in order to discern. Speaking to people that are like me, it is not so easy to walk away or leave. To ad maintaining boundaries can cause more conflict due to said partner not understanding why you're choosing to do said things. Any decision opposite of what they feel or need will feel like a personal attack
Have fun twisting and turning and capitulating while navigating a minefield. If you don't have kids, just run. RUN!
Bro
I'm really struggling in my relationship do to my bpd and I don't take medicine it's so hard I live this person with all my soul and I feel like I'm ruining it bc my damn bpd
Buckle up because its a ride that never ends lots of experience required if you are willing to learn and endure it could be possible rookies good luck
It feels like a person with BPD can't be a full partner? I need someone who can support me sometimes too. It sounds like the only way to make it work is to ignore my own needs. Especially since he is my only support network. And i am his. 😢
Do you feel like after a while that your BPD partner is choosing to not change and do the work? Why am I the only person in their world that they can’t “control” their emotions? We are waiting to find the right therapist and or treatment.
New York Super Fudge chunk. Yum yum
How do you get help for children whose mother had undiagnosed or untreated BPD? Whose marriage recently ended? 🤔
how about a video about the bpd person il the rs
If you realize youre in a relationship with someone who has BPD here is my advice...
Throw your phone in the ocean, change your name and move to another country in the middle of the night!
I see your comment but BPD is different in many people. Always good to assess and determine appropriate response for you.
They say we have a devil and angel on our shoulders
I wonder if anyone has advice about getting help in the UK when I've be an told having BPD excludes me from available talking therapies. I'm trying to wing it with my partner of 5years help. And feel like I've hit a recovery wall.
There are some amazing self learning resources, including from Dr. Fox, but also others! Get the BPD and DBT card decks and Dr. Fox's workbook. Look for support groups online and locally - key words are "DBT SKILLS"
Interesting thanks
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
ahahah dr Fox, is there anything in life besides the middle-squeeezed toothpaste that annoys you ?🤣❤
💎
I have a hard time dealing with the push and pull.
It is heartbreaking 💔
I'm not sure what's going on! All I know is I feel I have to love him from a distance 😢
As soon as someone says, "if you do ____ then i will _____."
Then I can no longer hold back on the impulse to do that thing..
Im starting to realize WHY I am like that, but that still only helps so much.
If you give people with bpd ultimatums, you are practically manipulating them into doing that thing, even though you want them to do the opposite.
It’s really insightful that you’re recognizing this pattern. Understanding our responses is a big step toward managing them better. Communication is key in any relationship!
Makes sense .
I think however I have also seen that if the BPD is accused of something they didn't do repeatedly, they will go and do it. Is this a fair deduction?
What you are saying is that the work is on you and only you? what about the partner? Do they do the work to make the relationship or You are pulling the boat by yourself?
There are so many videos about partners with BPD. The partner has a Herculean task of managing both their partners emotions and their own emotions while recognizing that their partner’s emotions need to take priority to their’s. It’s exhaustingly hard to make it work. Anyone that has been in a relationship with someone with BPD knows the insane amount of work required to maintain.
Get out when the going is good.
Your the greatest! Thank you
You're welcome!
I'm torn 20 years of marr,her mother dies and she ask me for a seperation, she was diagnosed Bipolar, but she checks every box for BDP, how do you tell the difference between Bipolar and BPD? It's also nice to find someone speaking positive about disorder, I've heard all sorts of things from them being demon possessed, thankfully I don't believe every thing I hear
It's definitely challenging to navigate relationships with complex mental health issues. It might be helpful to consult a mental health professional who can provide clarity on the differences between Bipolar Disorder and BPD. Communication and understanding are key in these situations.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
the ice cream lore 😂❤
Is a symptom of BPD criticizing you ridiculously hard as someone in a relationship with them, meanwhile kind of outting all of their friends on a pedestal?
My boyfriend is trying his best but I don't even know if he can handle me anymore. I've been through treatment I've been hospitalized I've tried so hard but it's getting more difficult for him to handle things. He still believes in me but this break is making me think he's leaving. It sucks.
It's completely understandable to feel this way during tough times. Remember, communication is key. Talk to him about how you’re feeling; it might help both of you find a way through this together.