They stop hoovering because of two reasons. 1. You've found them out. 2. You've established boundaries and stated them if they wanna come back into your life.
have noticed some seem to constantly hoover. Why is that?obsessed with one person's''supply''? or opportunity to manipulate again and again?it's very odd!
They need fuel. That’s all they need. They don’t care about you at all. If they stop hovering most likely they have someone else or they are giving you the silent treatment.
You get crazy when in a relationship with an narc because you are always on defensive modus and feels like you have to prove yourself. No matter how you talk, no matter what you do, it will always be you at fault. They are evil people, coming across like the Samaritan that “helps” people. But is a facade and it will go away as when you no longer serve their purpose
Exactly! I’ve been dealing with this for the past year as I’ve been seeing the truth about things. Always defending myself, endless “discussions” that always make me the one in the wrong and that I have to change my behavior to suit them but it’s never “enough”. Mine is also a helper - I’ve come to believe his identity is wrapped up in that facade.
Hoovering itself is a strong sign that the person really was a narc. Normal persons either finish it or come back, but for good. Christina’s throat, get well soon.
R N I ‘m not a psychologist. When I first googled hoovering, I only found it within the context of NPD. I´ve only been hoovered by a narcissist in my life. Anyway, I think you totally misunderstood my comment in the first place and there’s no point in debating about it. To me the hoovering attempts were the final and strongest proof that I was in a toxic thing before. Of course there was a whole pattern that came along. That’s just how things worked with me, and, again I’m no expert.
@@miss.britt_ The new supply came to me after she had help from police, & a church to get her out and relocated as quickly as possible. She went into detail about how he had brought women right into the bedroom, in front of her ... mocked her, called her a homeless woman he couldn't get rid of, tortured her in many cruel ways... and then we contacted the others before us... 10 in all we were able to find. He's been doing this all his life.
I was the new and really got the brunt from old supply leaving her. I should have exited stage left when she would obsess about telling me all about her past and all about how shes always been the victim. Over....and over ..and over.....but yet i thought i could fix her...until i called her out...she discarded and new supply dating him 3 weeks later haha.......crazy. Lesson learned albeit rough one
@@Slickness1980 He talked about his ex every day. I finally told him "Look, do you see her? 'Cuz she's in this house every damn day, why is that?" Of course, he had no answer. I said I'm not her, so stop comparing how "great I am" to how "horrible" she supposedly was.
It would be interesting to see how this crisis has affected narcissism. I feel for those people trapped in quarantine with a narc, it's going to be a living hell. The thought of Narcissists trapped in quarantine alone with their true selves though is really interesting. They can try to hoover but can't get closer to make good on it. I wonder how many are suffering from narc collapse right now?
@@aarongaffney725 its hilarious at first bc they try to use one another as supply and it sometimes it works but the malignant one always bests the covert/communal/grandiose one lol so to see them passive aggressively attack, gaslight, and cold shoulder (or is it stone wall?) one another then trying to grapple onto other ppl (who they usually treat like crap) after the discourse to make the other partner jealous. It is funny. Then I noticed when they where unsuccessful in feeding off one another and it caused discourse they will randomly invite over a group(s) of people so they can BOTH feed- or should i say feast. Its funny for a bit, then it gets pathetic and disturbing. Very sick minded people. I stay far away. Counting down the days to freedom!
Why narcissists stop hoovering: If you are dealing with a fresh discard, you should know that some narcissists hoover and some don't (a question of style). HOOVERING = sucking you back in, by a narcissist, after discard. What attracts a specific person to a narcissist: What attracts a narcissist to a person: - looks for signs of codependency - looking for someone who will put up with their stuff - they do this more INSTINCTIVELY (they have a deep need of supply that drives them). We need to work on our vulnerabilities, so that they are not so attractive to someone who is looking to exploit them (the best defense against a narcissist is to work on you, self love etc.). When they come back, and you have boundaries in place, they will not come back again, but will go for easier supply. Even if you say: "i want to give it a thought" , they will be gone. Even if you come back the next day. That is evidence that they never really cared. Working on yourself and setting boundaries does not happen over night. In the meantime they might come back. When you discard a narcissist, then keep going. It is dangerous to take them back, because in that case their biggest motive is revenge. They will discard, and more brutally. You have a choice to make: You started making a decision for yourself, you started chosing yourself. You can continue to chose yourself- or chose them (not both). It needs to be a clear cut. If they start hoovering, has their opinion of you changed? Yes. Before they could walk all over you or manipulate. Now they can't. They don't like it. A hoovering narcissists is like a vulture around a wounded/weak/sick animal, just waiting to explit that vulnerability. Them not coming around is a sign that you are on a path to becoming a healthier person. Are they not hoovering because of the new supply? No. Most of them have no problem with cheating, or discards. It will not stop them. It all ends up the same way in the end.
@@pam164 you wouldn't believe how much they see/understand. It's razor sharp. They will keep their thoughts and observations to themselves (because: you are on a need-to-know basis). But if you have a chance that in some moment they will open up, and explain their observations of other people, you will notice, how it's all well observed, with all the possible strategic implications....
The key word is boundaries. They will come back whenever they want, for as long as they want, and just to get whatever they have in mind. Otherwise they’ll most likely stay in their high castle.
Yeah, it really is a good thing for you. I've been getting hoovered a few times the last months and it's a real nuisance to fend them off everytime. It's a bit like someone offering you a cigarette when you've just stopped smoking.
Allfiredup, But be careful, because they like to hoover when you no longer expect it. Especially when you have recharged yourself and you've kind of forgotten your pain, just when you feel better again. Happened serveral times with me.. Last time after 8 months complete silence.. Be always prepared.
My narcissist ended our relationship last week, and I am half-hoping that he will try to hoover me back. Please pray for me. I was someone he thought he could control. Think he has just realized that will never happen. I need to be strong now, and could use your prayers. Thanx for all u do to help us co-dependents.
You got it! One of the things that I most want to be is known as a fierce prayer Warrior. So I'm stopping right here right now and praying for you. God bless you and stay strong. You can do this. You will do this. I have no doubt. No excuse me please. I have someone special to pray for.😉🙏
I discarded my ex narc after 8 years. I had tried to get out of the relationship several times before but I always got sucked back in by him. This time I found out days after he moved out that he had been cheating on me for months. I knew then that I would never take him back. He didn't expect me not to get sucked back in and he expected that I would take him back like I had before. He hoovered me for over a year and he was with the NS the whole time. I went no contact and thought he would stop but he continued to hoover me for months. He finally stopped and he has shifted his focus onto the NS. It's been almost a year since he has tried to contact and I am loving the peacefulness of my narc free life.
I ended my relationship with a covert narcissist person 18 months ago and I knew already afterwards that my ex would leave me alone. Why? Because I saw through her flaws, lies and fake behavior. I hurted her ego just as you tell in your video Christina because I put her aside. I confronted her at work in public when she came again with new demands over business where we still had to agree on. I wanted to finish this so I confronted her in front of our colleagues. She did not like that and yes, it was not professional from my part. I just wanted to end all of our connections so I could start healing and continu my life. And it worked. Good video.
I bet there is a lot of hoovering going on at mo with virus! my ex is blocked but im still on guard incase he slips through even though over year since he last hoovered. Stay strong everyone they don't care if your ok! its always about them and their needs!
I was praying to God on Monday begging him to get me out. Quarantine in particular has just really woke me tf up. The next day I found your channel and the trauma bond. It was the first time I could put this experience into tangible words and have a name on it. I finally feel like I can be free. It’s been 7 years for me in this situation, and I finally feel like I have the tools to outthink myself out of situations and manipulation. Thank you sooo sooo much for this channel!
Taylor's Journey may I ask how the quarantine made you think? I’m trying to do some evaluation about my hoovering ex who has new supply but I’m thinking the quarantine is going to shake that up.
@@steveloafe This comment will be long, so you will probably need some popcorn. lol My narc is my child's father. We got pregnant 3 years after he discarded me. He had a new supply at the time of pregnancy, so imagine the chaos. Our pregnancy was the result of a hoover. During pregnancy, I did all I could to gain my self esteem for not just me but my baby. I wouldn't call what followed a love bomb or a hoover. A think a better term for what he would do is micro hoover. When I was feeling down and overwhelmed he would be my saving grace and he would do this consistently for months. It started to slowly create an emotional bond. Slowly, I started to fall again. The key word here is slowly. Every time I felt myself longing for him I would evaluate his behavior to ensure it was safe. His manipulation was almost air tight. Just when I was about to give him one more last chance... quarantine happens. He let his mask slip just enough for me to see the man I knew prior. He had 3 mask slips in the month of March. Typically he has one once every three months. The stress of quarantine has made him less composed and has worked in my favor. It has revealed his true feelings towards me. Quarantine has shown me our relationship had become cloudy and murky. We aren't currently dating, but somehow I cant even describe what our relationship is. It was morphing into a life partnership. We are embedded into each other's family and friend groups because of the baby. This I realized was intentional. I snapped out of it and was like wtf how did this happen? How did I get back here again? Quarantine has forced me to be still and evaluate. I was being groomed to be supply again this time a life supply. It almost worked too. I promised myself I would not allow our relationship to affect my ability to parent our baby. I felt this happening a couple weeks ago and it made my discernment laser sharp. The biggest advice I can give is... you recognize the hoover, and i know it is harddddd, but quarantine makes us especially vulnerable. It is very murky because she can play many emotional angles but it is all a game. Be thankful you recognize the game. Abuse rates are the highest during life disrupting events. In the wake of COVID-19, child abuse related deaths are going through the roof. The same is occurring to us except our abuse is emotional. Quarantine is making her hoover because she's losing control in her own life. She needs to control you in order to feel safe. These are people at the end of the day, and they too are losing control of their daily lives. Forgive yourself and know it's okay to feel the way you are feeling. It took me 7 years and a baby to wake up. You will reach a point at rock bottom where it won't work for you anymore. I never thought I would get here, but it finally happened for me and it will for you. God Bless and I pray that your soul will find peace and the love you deserve.
@Steveloafe here is a slightly different take on hoovering and the quarantine. If your ex is anything like mine she won’t be back around during the quarantine because supply is very plentiful right now. My ex narc is a 40 year old woman with asthma so she’s at a higher risk of complications but that hasn’t stopped her from dating or should I say gathering supply. The dating apps are alive with people who are quarantined and itching to get back out there! There are typically more men than women using those services so any reasonably attractive woman has a plethora of options to choose from with men who are busting at the seams to resume life as we knew it before the virus. How do I know this? My covert ex narc told me as much! Her justification was it’s not risky because it’s just ONE more person she’s exposed to so it’s not a big risk. Now under normal conditions without the virus there would be a lot more available “dates” and the competition would be greater but right now it’s like shooting fish in a barrel. Lots of women are moms and won’t risk exposing their children or they are providers or caregivers and are being cautious but a single 40 year old woman with no children or other attachments has 30 guys lined up looking for a date! I’d be willing to bet your ex will be back after this virus is under control and there are more women to compete with her!
@@TaylorsJourney after hearing ur story I just wanted to step in to say this: pls concider what this person would/is doing to your child as well. Narcs will use children against you to make u do things to their advantage. They will also either corrupt or manipulate children as well. Please be care. This person is *not* your friend and they may be the child's father but consider the (high) potential of this child becoming narc food or a narc weapon. Be blessed ❤ Note. Not to be disrespectful an anyway but the way you address it as "we" got pregnant or "our" child possibly insinuates that maybe you have trauma bonded in that way as well. That is ultimately your child. You were pregnant. This person if they are the narc you feel them to be probably does not care anymore for that child than they do you. Unfortunately probably used the child as a means to make you permanent supply as you stated lifetime supply. Ask yourself, are they using your bond with your child against you in any way? I'm sorry to pry as its not my intentions, but maybe just consider it for your safety and the safety of a child. And possibly looking into coparanting with a narcissist interviews by Dr. Ramani. She is a brilliant woman and all around endearinf human being. Much love to you ❤ keep ur head up and continue to move forward. Knowledge is power!
You’re so right about the revenge when you dump then take them back. He was furious with me, punished me for a while and tried his hardest to prove he was a “good” person. I finished with him for the final time 3 weeks ago. Still in contact but barely. His hoovering has stopped, he’s cold now and no longer begging me. It stings but I hope I can get over him.
All of the narcissists I have dated (on accident) had this very obviously creepy way of assessing me in the beginning stages of dating, but I didn’t know why at the time. I just thought they were being awkward lol
ugh I know. I discarded him first and he hovered me during quarantine. I just know if I went back it would not be good at all. He would be angry with me.
Thank you. So true. He stopped hoovering after i set bounderies and tried to hoover again after 5 years.I Didn't answer him so he went back to the same supply he used after i discarded him.
My taking is that the narcissists are aware of their personality disorder that makes people flee and make an effort for some time, but sooner or later the disorder becomes apparent. It does happen that for various reasons some people see the red flags and put a end to the relation but others for whatever reason manage to put up with this behaviour and persist.
My narc friend told me he does hurt people he close too, some of his friends also hurt him, and some did research on him ( but he put it as they looking for stuff about me ) one time he ask me if i knew the difference between and socio and a spychopart which concluded to me that he knows what he is
VinTaVge0592 they finish by knowing how people consider them and can make a huge effort to overcome their flaw but eventually fail to keep it up. They know that they are sadists and manage to contain their impulses for some time but their natural impulses keep coming up
I was hovered the first two times we officially broke it off, though I guess the 6 times I broke it off but not officially she always hovered then too but that was always the next day.... Each time I had a stronger boundary until the last time.. No hoover no 5 months clean...
SOUL MATE WANTED: I enjoy fine dining, moonlight walks on the beach, and travelling to exciting destinations. SEEKING: Souless, self-serving, narcissistic individual, to deceive, demoralize, and manipulate me. Previous experience a plus. P.S. If you have a long history of train-wreck relationships, with dozens of abused and emotionally scarred victims in your carnage-trail ... Please respond with all-caps in the subject line, so that I can contact you immediately. Thanks, (So excited. Can't wait to be crushed.)
I’m usually the one who ended up discarding in my past relationship with who I think is a narcissist. He’d Hoover me back in , I would feel badly about leaving him because he’d seem so hurt I’d try again and soon after I’d start seeing the signs and feeling the abuse and get scared and end it. And the cycle would begin again because I’d always hold out hope he’d really change.
Thank you SO much. This video and your channel are a life saver. Truly! The hoovering has had me on edge but this video helps us stay strong. Thanks again!
Spent 20 years with one and such a waste of my young life!!! Wish I would have known- all the signs were there and I even remember specific instances that threw red flags and I just kept going... 🤬
Kristan Love oh no 😔I’m so sorry, 20 years is a lifetime 😔I only spent two years and I regret it terribly, how much more 20 years 😔what matters is you finally woke up🤗🤗🤗
Please don't be so hard on yourself. Stop looking in your rearview mirror at him. Keep looking straight ahead, focusing on your present and looking with joy and anticipation to your future. Your narc-free future! Now see, isn't that exciting?
You're not alone. My ex was a walking red flag when I met him. I remember even telling him that I would never be able to fill the hole in his soul. I said that to him before we even started dating and I still fell in with him. You want to know why? It's in part because I was trying to be polite. He clung onto me like a barnacle. I was too polite (didn't want to hurt his feelings) to shut the door firmly in his face. 15 years of back and forth hell that brought me. I feel so stupid. I can't remember the moment he finally hooked me and the devaluation began... Sorry. That was really long. I just wanted to say that you're not alone in feeling like whaaa?
My own "covert's" hoovering has stopped.. its been over a week now. Its so funny how this video came at just the right time for me.. the "vulture" comment is perfect. After I eventually had had enough and discarded, she always came around when I was way, way down. She did hurt me though, after, and it was very bad, but that was my own fault to be honest. I don't feel that way very often anymore.. "down".. at least lately. I believe its because I'm beginning to truly understand what I went through... and I am working on myself..!! There is nothing here for her (the vulture) to "pick" at anymore.. LOL thank you for your videos. :)
At first I thought that was genius, sending her that link. But now she knows what to look for, how to change her behavior, how to circumvent the system. I've seen a few narcs making comments here and on other channels like this. So now I'm thinking hmmmm....maybe it wasn't the best idea.
@@funclassylassy4426 that's exactly why I didnt.. I thought to myself that I will not help him in becoming more sly and give him this information so he could learn from it
Another failed hoovering attempt led to 'seek and destroy' mission launched against me. Idk what part of my life he's going to attack this time. But the threat was clearly made. My response... This: A narcissist's play book 1. Lie to make u trust and love. Appear to be human. 2. Systematically destroy your confidence, relationships with family and friends, and punish u for objecting to abuse. Display disgust and contempt for your vulnerability. And tell u that that ur thoughts, opinions, feelings r wrong/insignificant. During this stage they force feed u their delusional version of themselves where they exist, therefore they r entitled, to EVERYTHING including ur soul. If u even attempt to have a boundary it will be destroyed with more punishment to follow for attempting to be an individual. Your lack of cooperation in your own destruction, whether perceived or actual, constitutes further emotional abuse, sometimes physical abuse, as deemed necessary by your Lord and master. Lest we forget, any secret u may have shared (remember they gained ur trust) or even a random, made up story they invent is leverage and threatened to be exposed in a way that will humiliate and destroy any potential success or happiness with ur employment, finances, or relationships co-workers and/or friends (if u have any left), however it hurts u the most. It is also the perfect time to remind u they r ruthless and getting even, for them, is going to be atomic in nature. So u may as well fall in line. After they have seen you suffer enough to satisfy their evil thirst for your hemorrhaging eruption of pain and despair. They will be ready to receive the apology they deserve for having offended their delicate, fragile, hysterically delusional, disproportionately grandiose and totally unwarranted self image. Sadly, if u aren't ready to admit ur error in an attempt at self preservation it'll be time for round 2 of 'seek and destroy'. And if u have kids, they r next. Maybe that will get ur attention! Because they can't actually FEEL (not even for their own child) anything unless they r destroying someone (which is pleasurable, for them, to be clear) and this will suffice for now. Delivering pain thru a surrogate is so much more interesting for the abuser. And it allows for the distinct pleasure of damaging 2 people simultaneously for maximum effect. Win. Win. When u reach ur limit, bc u will before they do, most assuredly. U probably have no one left in ur life to support u bc the abuser made sure that everyone knew WHAT u were REALLY like, according to their account of selfless struggles, trying to help u but u just didn't want to be a better person in spite of how hard they tried. Also they r probably spreading lies about things u supposedly said or did to anyone who didn't buy the other bullshit. And if anyone else gets their feelings hurt, it's collateral damage, and it's also YOUR fault. Effectively destroyed. Victory rhetoric spewed by the vindictive mouth which supports all of the unfounded, unearned fantastical fables of imaginary success they believe regarding their supreme intellect and infinite knowledge of all things, at all times, in every possible scenario, in every dimension of existence. 3. Now that ur only hope is that there will be an end to the torture, some day, some way... They will suddenly stop and apologize with empty words and say they didn't mean it (plz note that there won't be an apology for a specific action, e.g lying, abuse, attempting to coerce, extort, attempting to impose their will. That is viewed as potential ammunition that can b used against them later when they r telling u that u r crazy and they never did anything to hurt u. They may even deny an apology was ever spoken. Thankfully, u already look crazy for putting up with their shit so it's an easy sell... But for now the sudden relief from the pervasive torture literally shocks u and completely confuses u. To be clear it is their plan to effectively disregulate ur ability to make rational, logical, self preserving decisions as well as impair your ability to think clearly enough to state facts that refute the coming lies. And so it begins, in the suspended moments of time that u try to understand that the attack on ur existence has halted, they use that as a segway to begin to subtly insert themselves back into ur life. And sadly, they r the ones delivering u from the unbearable relentless torment. Also a strategy to confuse logic. You are desperate for relief and u r just grateful for the end of it. Leading to displaced gratitude. Make sense? No. But how could u make sense of any of this as it is happening?And this is the most important part! REMEMBER!!! THEY R ALSO STILL THE SAME DEMENTED SUBHUMAN THAT HEARTLESSLY INFLICTED ALL OF THAT PAIN AS PUNISHMENT FOR YOUR FAILING TO CONFORM TO THEIR ARBITRARY, FLUID, DESTRUCTIVE SET OF STATED AND UNSTATED RULES. THE LATTER PURPOSED SO U MAY ATTEMPT TO GUESS AND OFTEN FAIL WHILE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HEAD TRIP WE WILL BE GOING ON THAT DAY. So the fraudulent proclamations of enlightenment delivered with the compliments u have been starved of, on top of self serving, deliberate lies designed to delay and prolong ur pain upon discovery at a later date, the perpetually evasive validation that U yearned for have finally come to fruition along with a reprieve from the previously described torture ... Finally, he understands what U needed. And the proof is that he can verbalize it! U were the best thing that has ever happened to him. He only hurt u bc he was so hurt by losing u...(this is another way of blaming u for MAKING them behave like a satanically possessed, bloodthirsty demon). And here is one more chance (to play head games, manipulate, coerce, and overtly force and inflict their self serving demands and narcissistic ideals on u, against ur will, just for their sick pleasure) for the love they already knew u wanted but will never deliver bc it is within their power to destroy u at their leisure. They r masters of deception, ur no match for them. They have been improving and honing their acting skills since they were old enough to realize they didn't FEEL anything and needed to learn how to imitate human feelings like empathy and compassion. They r broken on a cellular level and even the professionals admit it is a waste of time and resources to attempt to help them as they see no problem with their behavior. In their view, if u r stupid enough or weak enough to be a victim then u deserve whatever u get. They will exploit any and all weaknesses they have discovered in u (remember the trust). And if u make the mistake of having ANY reaction or emotion that reveals ur humanity they see it as just another vulnerability for inflicting more pain( which is ALWAYS and will FOREVER be the primary objective). So if u believe the ass load of heaping bullshit, that is their pathetic attempt at sucking u in for more amusing torture prepare to repeat steps 1-3 as many times as they want, for as long as they choose, in whatever twisted manner they like. As for me, I'd rather burst into flames and descend from the sky like a shooting star than spend another millisecond of my precious life energy thinking about or in the presence of my my emotional sadist. Lastly, I forgive u. Because my peace resides within me, cultivating love for me. Beholden to none but me. Eventually forgetting you.
Almost 4 years no contact...he discarded me without any closure and hasn't hoovered back since. Saw him with a new supply whilst rock climbing with my now fiancé over 2 years later. I'm still trying not to be so traumatised about it.
I really liked your take on the narcissist coming back for revenge after you’ve moved on for them. I’ve experienced it and I often wondered if it was an actual thing.
Your videos are so helpful. When you spoke of them being back for revenge, I’ve gone back twice and the last time my intuition was telling me he was only back to hurt me worse, out of revenge. I kept thinking it was an awful thought to think but it was the first time I’ve began listening to my inner voice again. It’s been 8 months no contact. Thank you for helping me stay away.
My ex discarded me back in Oct. Hes hoovered me off & on since & hes still with the NS. However he has not last 2 weeks. The NS is making it clear on social media not a bed of Rose's living with him & its only been a month! I think he has another supply.
Mine is still hoovering me like a freaking maniac. I wonder if he has nothing better to do. It's been YEARS since I stopped reacting to his attempts. He keeps on trying though.
PLEASE consider staying “no contact” I also lost myself thinking that it was me, the part of it that was me was that I didn’t value myself enough to avoid his constant abuse. All of us are so valuable and worthy of healing. 💕
Tina; I have years of understanding and current perspective. I am very familiar with HG Tudor. In the future please refrain from giving others unsolicited advice on channels like this one.
I've been with a narc for almost 4yrs. He keeps on hoovering most specially when he he sees im happy without him. What's better for me to discard the narc first or ill just let him discard me?
my narcissistic ex texted me once last year, few months after he broke up with me. i never replied and he never tried to contact me again. i feel so lucky😂 thank you for your videos! you are doing amazing job! they have helped me so much to understand everything! even tho i am more than a year after this break up.. i hope i will be better after some time..
I left my narcissist. Now he’s trying to get me back. He’d lost his job. He threatened suicide. At the time, I was scared for him and “helped “ him. Now I realize it was manipulative. He says he’s “changed now.” He is saying all the kinds of things that I needed/wanted to hear and feel for real before I left him. Like , you’re so good and kind. You are beautiful. I think only about you. And blah blah blah. The sad part is that I want to believe it because I wanted it for so long. I have let him partially back into my life, but my gut is telling me that he’s the same and merely putting on an act. And all sorts of people are in his court! So thanks for this video;it’s a good reality check for me.
I made a mistake after I discarded a narcissist and then taking them back... and of cause they discarded me again and it was horrible! They left me for a love interest (new supply) it was some form of revenge 100% on me for leaving them... it hurt a lot at the time but now I’m learning about narcissism and I’m understanding their behaviours... i don’t hear from the narc now, which is a good thing I guess. Thanks for the videos, very helpful! x
Here's what happened in my hoovering. They came back. Started talking. Joking around. Normal harmless stuff. I kept the responses cordial but not too much emotion. Then, they asked me to plan something with them. I agreed but postponed it to another day since I was busy. They simply said let it be, I will find someone else. Also, they said let it be, go do your own thing why worry about me? All that passive aggressive stuff. And then they said let it be I will find someone else. Like they contacted me just to bait me in, and then discard, just to feel powerful again. It hurts so bad because you can never expect clear open communication from them. It's all subtle passive aggressive stuff and they never say what's on their mind. They blame their behaviour on astrology or their past. It's so so discouraging and makes you feel like after doing so much it is still not enough. They expect you to cope up with their behaviour and be the bigger person but they will never take responsibility and own their mistakes. Never correct it. Forgiveness is like permission for them to repeat it and keep hurting you. It's not nice. Especially if you're pretty sensitive. You might not say it directly to that narc because you're afraid itll trigger them so you explain it in a friendly euphemism, trying to keep it as constructive as you can. But even that doesn't seem to work. Ughhh.
They don't care about themselves as a person so how can they care about you. They hate love bc they didn't get it as a child so they blame God and hate him to. That's when the devil takes possession of thier whole being thus having a mental illness. Karma may get them but karma can't change them
I've not received a hoover and I'm 6 months no contact. I've got him blocked in every way I can think of. The only reason he'd hoover is because of the inheritance I'm getting. Nothing yet and hopefully I never will.
Receiving your inheritance is a wonderful thing. Him finding out about it, not so much. So, that is what I would do. I would let it slip to a friend that will tell him that you've left your entire inheritance to a charity. Or, you can portray yourself as that crazy old cat lady on the hill and let it "slip" that your entire Fortune is going to your cat, Otto (substitute the actual name of your pet here). It'll drive the person NUTS. They'll l totally lose it, thinking that the money is going anywhere but in their pocket. Personally, I really wish we could see their face when they find out that little nugget of information.🤣🤣🤣🤣👍
The part when Christina said the Narcs come back for revenge is true, 2 years ago I was contacted by an old GF I saw briefly in 1970, I ended it for a couple of reasons if I remember correctly, she was a bit vacuous, not really with it, and at 17 everything is on fast forward, so after txting for a year she moved in with me, a year later I get the discard which was brutal, she flew to the UK on an errand and after 4 days of silence I get a txt saying she's starting a new life there, followed by another txt saying she going back to Turkey ( where she lived originally) and then on to the States, so mixed messages, at no time did she actually say it's over, but for sure it is, those actions are unacceptable in my view.
One guy HOOVERED me in a back road n man handled my bike into his car..... without my consent...over 17 years ago... Not one guy has ever put my bike into his car since..... haha....
An experience with a narc I see as something very positive. Even if it did hurt when discarded. Why? 1: You grow stronger emotionally and mentally, you mature in ways you didn't think possible. 2: You start all sorts of new activities and set new goals and along the way meet new exciting people. 3: You will cross paths someone worthy of your time and energy. 4: You finally see the red flags early on, but this time you won't fall for them. 5: You're awesome and they are not! Because you know how far you'll go for someone you love.
This is exactly what happened to me the past 3 Hoovers...I kept putting up more and more boundaries and then she never came back and I was like that's strange? What changed? Hahaahhaha
i wish I saw this video a week ago, as I fckd up again. I managed to discard my covert narcist ex a month ago, by ignoring his message. Was so proud of myself, went no contact and I could feel he was in shock. and then he got back in touch last week asking how I was. And I stupidly thought that he genuinely was interested in me. I replied the next day and asked how he was doing, thinking, hey, we are all human, life is tough enough, let’s celebrate just being alive and healthy. And he just went no reply. And I can feel he just got in touch to seeing if I’d answer and to have his little revenge. Sadly enough he continues liking my social media posts, so my biggest question is - should I block him, or would it be too childish?
BLOCK HIM. NOW. On every conceivable telephone and social media Outlet. The thing that would be childish is for you to take him back or give him a second thought. If a narcissist can only think about themselves and what's good for them, why don't we each think about ourselves and what's good for each of us? Now get off this Channel and go block your little heart out. We're rooting for you! You can do it!🙏👍
Thanks so much for your support 🙏 I keep thinking the way forward is to bring myself to that level, that when he contacts me I just don’t react, that it doesn’t impact me in the slightest. Feel like blocking him is just brushing the problem under the carpet. Or am I wrong?
I think is their life style or the way they deal with people but i personally think when they don't or stop hoovering is because they know the damage they have done to you is too toxic and rather avoid any sort of narcissistic injury they will maybe try to hoover when they feel everything had died out and hoover you when u list expected
7mos post discard. She monkeybranched to some gimp new supply. No hoovers. Im in no contact. I have leveled up immensely. Shes not coming around at all. Not a peep. I think im free but not super sure...
When they stop Hoovering (b/c you know their number, you know what they were after, you see that all their relationships are codependent, toxic & exploitative), trust me when I say, you will be cordially relieved. It is best for them, too, b/c they need someone to respect them immensely. You don't. If they stop Hoovering you, they are not as malignantly hopeless as some narcissists. Perhaps they can find someone who wants them. I have dated several younger men, but when it comes to narcissistic men, I truly believe they are better off with a younger woman (even significantly) in order for the dynamics to work, if anything can work or improve with narcissists (debatable).
My narssistic boyfriend always wants to come back!😂 I don’t think he has personality disorder I just think he has server trauma that lead him to become a narcissist
The fact that they coincidentally pop up just when you've finally stopped thinking about them, indicates there's a spiritual component - especially when they have no way of keeping up with your life. It's like they just know because the devil whispered in their ear.
I was with a narc for the 1st time 27 years ago. He discarded me, got married with someone else. Eventually she left him and he came back 20 years ago. That time he tried pushing me out of a moving car on the highway. And I promised myself never again. Well, 2 years ago he came back and I told myself people change. Maybe I don't remember correctly. Maybe I was mistaken. This time he destroyed my life. I am now jobless and penniless because of the one decision to give him another chance. My family turned their backs on me and I only recently started talking to my siblings again. To all survivors: DO NOT take them back. Even if you really think they have changed. The ONLY way in which they change is to become worse.
Im very sorry to hear this, I am sure things will get back on track for you & I hope if those bonds are meant to be then they’ll be mended! Narcs are amongst the most hideous of all people & they’re karma is built within their own constant daily misery. He’ll get his. Stay strong!
I don’t know how many times I have been in situations like this where I knew for a fact 100% it was the wrong way to go and then just went back almost as if I wanted to be punished. Knowing point blank that the person that I wanted so badly was so wrong for me and was going to be nothing but heartache and I still went back because it’s almost as if I’m a masochist and enjoy being abused. I never knew about your channel and while it’s not for everybody… I understand everything you are saying. It’s nothing new. Narcissists are the same exact people from one person to another. The situations may be different but the people are the same. And they truly do not give a fuck about anybody but themselves… You may think that they are charming and witty and kind and loving and generous… And part of them may very well be that… at times...But in the end… They only give a fuck about themselves and that is true across the board with all Narcissists.
I've had two narcissistic friends in the past. One of them never hoovered, thankfully. The other one is. She knows exactly how to play on our loyalties when it comes to friendship. She is trying to make us feel guilty. But we don't care anymore. I wish she would just go away!
Thank you for the information. The analogy of the vultures circling was excellent. I was discarded and went no contact for almost 4 months. I have been working on myself during this time. Again thank you.
These videos have been the best thing for me, I just got out of a covert narcissistic relationship and have been all over the map emotionally, but being able to recognize when they are hoovering, using the gray rock technique for myself has helped immensely because we both work together, and it has proven difficult to set boundaries while having to work with them 8 hours a day. Thank you so much for all the advice and tips:)
Christina, Covid or allergies? I'm serious. I just recovered and your voice sounds like it. I had seven people in my family who had it in March. If you get major fatigue in the next few days, that is a good indicator that it is not the flu or allergies. You will also experience body aches (shoulders, back), achy lungs. NPD abuse is worse than Covid. I've experienced both.
It's funny... someone mentioned my voice earlier and I had no idea what they were talking about. I had a chance to listen again and I hear it now. It might be allergies. I was definitely a little froggy 🐸😅 We've been isolated for weeks, so I doubt covid is much of a possibility for me. I'm glad to hear it was mild for you. I've been hearing a lot of that from friends and family too, but the worst-case scenarios are concerning ❤🙏
@@CommonEgo, Hopefully you are okay. Just watch out for the "fatigue". You won't feel like doing much for three or four days if you have it. Early on it is easy to confuse with allergies or flu.
Thanks for the video Christina...Days prior to the discard, I firmed up on my boundaries, as I noticed that my x narc and his 3 minor kids were taking over my home and my life, and in a flash he was gone...it's been 9 weeks since and no hoover...this is an absolute good sign because he has realised that he can no longer manipulate me...
I was discarded 6 weeks ago...i had during our 3 year relationship, especially the last year, suspected something was mentally wrong with her...she listened to nothing and changed nothing about herself in the relationship even though she constantly complained that she was unhappy...i recently came across these videos and started to learn about NPD and it seems to match up very closely to the way she acted...so I feel like she could be a narcissist...shes with the new supply, a guy she was secretly talkung too for almost 6 months prior to the breakup...she acts as if the relationship went bad completely because of me and she acts like shes the happiest she has ever been in her life right now...learning about this, NPD, has given me somewhat of some closure where before I had none...just hoping to learn more and any advice is appreciated
My ex guy I used to love, used to lovebomb and manipulate me, he was angry all the time, complained about bad mood and depression. Refused to talk about personal questions and more ofthen than that, I was projected on things he felt in himself. Like example: you are crazy! He was diagnosed clinically as Borderline (BPD). RUN RUN RUN, he never told me he was bpd, only depressed and anxious... he wanted to turn me crazy! Questioning myself... At second round, I "hoovered him", and it was brutal. He used, abused, and discarded me all the time. I was able to run from manipulation 9 months ago and never looked back. My life is in peace now. I rather have no one to love for the rest of my life, than having him to love, who is fake, abusive, manupulative and what else. He didn't even love me in the end, he used to love my money, and kind personality. I tried to help someone who can not be helped...
My first guy was borderline too I used to love. He acted just like your ex woman. At first I was lovebombed despite he was from Poland. He absolutely told his home address, his credit card number, his email password and everything really. He showed off all his photos of childhood and started to talk about his trauma in it. I mean neglecting with care from parents, suicide attempts, second guy did that too... They are broken inside, but he acted happy and in first week we used to Hangouts for HOURS nonstop... He started to show love for me, and in a year we did a trip to Germany. Good party with music I love, and he is too, this is one thing we were able to match on Facebook. Even before that trip, he started to talk less and less, and after that trip he complained. I did this wrong, I did that wrong, like think: eating at the same time? Partying at the same place? He didn't like me looking at his eyes all the time, but he lovebombed me. That was first trip, we had also hotel night... On second to the next party in Germany he was nice. We did party and had a hotel night... Until when I arrived home and he said EVERYTHING is over. He said to find better deals locally and that I made him unhappy? How he could then be "happy" just at trip? He enjoyed it, but made a final letter, and said he won't answer anymore to my messages or mails. To this day he didn't contact, but he said "I will write you if needed". This ment for me an open way to hoover. If new supply will not work... He complained often about his bad life, and if I could be more busy, I'd be happier he said. At that time in 2016 I was on Facebook and he was constantly on my stream "Someone added him as a friend". He got friends all the time to the point I removed him from my friend list. He tried to make me bad. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. These people only see their benefit, they won't consider yours. I survived TWO guys all BPD, and is living my best life now without them. Because you don't need them, you can see by their actions how important they are.
I think it's a simple case of looking in ones self if someone fucks you over cut your losses and deal with the pain fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me
This happend to me , I walked away because he kept going silent on me when I expressed my feelings, then he hoovered me about 8 months later only to discard me after 6 months of emotional and verbal abuse. Everything was disguised as a joke only to make me doubt myself. They are truly sick people. They are only after what they can get. My attitude now is if somebody shows you once who they are then believe them.
Are narcissist aware of these “phases” like do they know the steps of what they are doing or are they oblivious? I am soooo jealous of other supplies, I don’t care if he doesn’t care about me or them. How about I let him come back and I keep discarding him first over and over? I think maybe I have some narcissist qualities but I’m also an empath (with fury!)
After so much abuse 19 yrs In defence after he had beaten me numerous years in defence I hit him back I mean same medicine feels good But i then thought i cant stoop to his level as that's exactly what they want to take away the goodness and blessing we have I was beaten 7 months pregnant Raised by a single narcissist father Wasted my 19 years on this idiot for my child Little I knew he brainwashed my autistic child
She was an angel for 12 years but after watching your videos i found out this last year that shes a narc now ...the whole checklist I'm happy I got to the bottom of it because I couldnt understand why she was the way she was but because of u I know she is a narc....but how? Hiw can she be perfect for so long then change into a whole COMPLETE DIFFERENT person after 12 years how ?
This is a really great video. I broke up with the narcissist and I’ve never seen so much hoovering and love bombing. She sent cards, flowers, stuffed animals but I didn’t go back. I’ve dated another narcissist in the past and know what you say is true. They will punish you or make your life more complicated. You could find out they cheated, lied to you, and did other scandalous things to you while you were together the first time. They can find a way torture you and make you very sorry you ever opened that door again. Slam the door shut and walk away. It will save you lots of pain.
I have NEVER heard anyone talk about what CAN HAPPEN TO YOU when you go no contact. Do thank you for mentioning " the punishment" (Side note.. It's weird that everyone just assumes the empath was left & not the other way around) I dated a narc/sociopath for 2 months. The entire relationship time was good. After 2 months we had an argument & he smacked me (lightly) but he smacked me! I ended immediately. I said GET OUT. He left & hid... I walked to the store about a mile away & he popped up out of thin air trying to convince me to give him another chance. Finally, he freaked out....and left (towards the bus to his house) & I went home 🏡 and so did he. 2 weeks later he was living in my attic...he had an ex of his up there living and! and one of my closest "friends" joining the party sometimes (flying 🐒) to give up more info on me besides what he was spying on me from upstairs. I called the cops 9xs. Called my family, my "friend" had already called my dad and said I was hallucinating & thought I had " people living in my walls" There was a crawlspace that led to my garage. So they could go thru the crawlspace & leave thru the garage also. It went on for 4 weeks during which time this psycho drugged me raped me robbed me repeatedly.. I couldn't even rent a hotel room bc he stole my card . He didn't take a dollar off it... just so I was helpless. He stole both my phones & they were back in the morning with the charger ports broke. He had his ex gf hack my acts even my wifi & controlled when I could or couldn't watch tv!! I need to write a damn book! I can't even say how I exterminated 🐀🐀🐀 what it took to get rid of them! You have to go do far outside the box. No money no help my only friend was playing both sides of the fence. This was all because I broke up with him after ONLY 2 months of dating. Its been 7 months I changed my # 7 times. I moved. Even this I have to be careful. My phones were absolutely hacked even for months after I moved. Google would send me a message everytime with the email address. I have not called or talked to anyone except my Dad since (7-8 months!) . I had fucking cameras watching me in my home! With these creeps up in my crawlspace! If I took a shower they would rob me blind. Or put GHB or whatever in my drink and NOBODY would believe me! I'm a G though. Lol. But... I woke up a 2nd time feeling drugged & feeling like my clothes weren't right & I should have had the right to murder him at that point. Came close. Lol. I haven't seen anyone involved since that night. They left for the night. I boarded up my home of 12 yrs. I moved the following day. He turned me into the psycho for a night while he became the abused. Once again I broke up with him after 2 little months. He became beyond obsessed. Idk why I know they dont love so why?? Just leave me alone already. And still he showed up at the door, tried to deny it blame someone else & get back together! 🤯🤯Omg....I can't even imagine the hell my life would be now! 🖤💯PLEASE BE CAREFUL LADIES SOME OF THESE MEN ARE FAR FAR MORE DANGEROUS THAN IT SEEMS. (I still try to rationalize this shit)🤷♀️🤯👁🙅♀️🙅♀️🙅♀️🙅♀️🙅♀️🙅♀️🙅♀️🙅♀️🙅♀️🙅♀️🙅♀️ You just can't make sense of it. They are sick and some are sadistic. And his ex that helped him hurt me is a narcissist too! How do you help your boyfrienddrug & rape his ex? They're so sick 🤢🥰🥰🤥🤥🤥👻🤥🤥👻🤥🤚👉👉👿☠👿☠💀🙅♀️🙅♀️
He’s already trying to Hoover me again 🙄 already went through the smear campaign I really don’t care anymore. He tried Lovebombing me 8 times in one day. 5-6yrs of Hoovering me. I figured it all out & it no longer works.
I think I just experienced hoovering from my possibly narc boss. It's probably happened before, but I am new to studying narcissism and have gone from feeling confused, demoralized, exhausted, suicidal, angry, grey rock, to empowered resilience in about two months. I blame the UA-cam Algorithm for showing me the light. Anything I do at work that would normally feel stellar under previous bosses, is treated like a disobedient threat and I experience punishing micromanagement of mundane, chaotic tasks, with no permission for asking questions that would provide autonomy. But last week I learned about Grey Rocking, and today he was complementing a months old simple common sense idea I had proposed and told me I deserved a "Gold Star on my forehead". I felt the hoovering and kinda watched myself falling for it. He kept complementing me until I broke Grey Rock and became conversational. It is such a weird experience. I'm thankful for getting this far. I wish leaving were simpler for my situation. It's been five years since I first asked his boss to find a way off his team, but only a few months of learning about narcissism. Thanks CommonEgo and UA-cam!
Hello,...met a narc ( not sure , but I think he was a narc , did all the narc behaviors) who was married, he lied about it at first.... then confessed and promised to divorce... and foolishly I stayed ..... I gave him several opportunities to leave on good terms and go figure things out..... each time he lied and promised and swore he loved me and was sure of leaving etc......I endured several love bomb and discard cycles , but divorce never came, so I Left Him....blocked him and went silent....he popped up a couple weeks later with invoices from A divorce lawyer , asking for me to just open the lines of communication....I told him we could maintain communication but not get back together until he was officially divorced ...... 2 weeks later I was discarded again over a silly argument about going to lunch with my dad, he accused of being with a man, again...I am so lost.... I truly believe he is done with me and he’s gone for good this time, and I understand that it may be a good thing...... but I am devastated to be honest ..... I don’t understand any of this ....if you have a response or video for this situation, I would really appreciate it.....could you please help me, .... please ... I’m breaking down...
Mine seems to try from time to time but is quite clumsy with it. Partially because of her anger management issues. When we met for exchanging the kids or because they forgot something at her or my place, she tended to be _super_ nice sometimes, way more than even in the beginning of our relationship. I was baffled so I didn't react accordingly. Thus: phone calls a few minutes later with accusations, yelling, cursing, ... or text or voice messages of the same kind. Strange. Should it have worked, maybe it would have taken some time. I mean when you actually have a crush you keep going even though he/she doesn't merry you at the spot (rhetoric exaggeration). Luckily she didn't. Nowadays I'm safe, at some time in the past I might have fallen for that hadn't she done a backward somersault immediately. (Maybe the latter loses in translation - not a native speaker.)
My ex husband was so drunk one evening he sat and told me about all the bad he has done in his life,he went on to tell me about his brother and sisters and what his dad has done and what his dad is (I am sure you can read between the lines)If i had of known this before i married him i would never of entertained him in the first place (a whole family of them)I have now watch my ex lose everything (job,home,family)In 17 years of being with this man he never had any friends,no one phoned him and no one knocked on the door for him.this man put me through a living nightmare physically and mentally,(I SURVIVED IT)
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I didnt get a Hoover, thank goodness. He went on to be someone else's problem. 👍😕 4.5 years no contact.
That's a blessing 🙏❤
Unusual. Lucky girl.
beware they contact you even after 10 years out of the blue
Im in no contact one year and a few mounts. Blocked all mutual friends and blocked all ways he can contact me directly.
There should be a national narcissist registration list to keep us safe 😅🙃
Karen 🤣🤣I agree, I could have gone to that list and avoided all the trauma I went through 🤷🏿♀️
Yesss! Omg I was thinking the same thing! Seriously it would save soooo many lives!
LMAOOOOO OMGGG BEST COMMENT EVERRR !!!!
😫😩😂😂😂😂😂
For all cluster B’s 😖
They stop hoovering because of two reasons.
1. You've found them out.
2. You've established boundaries and stated them if they wanna come back into your life.
That is correct how you describe this.
they found a new partner.
Exactly.
have noticed some seem to constantly hoover. Why is that?obsessed with one person's''supply''? or opportunity to manipulate again and again?it's very odd!
Exactly my situation. She knows I won't respond.
They need fuel. That’s all they need. They don’t care about you at all. If they stop hovering most likely they have someone else or they are giving you the silent treatment.
But when they are giving the treatment of silence, it's mean that they are with someone. Or not?
@@randyofficial4065 if they're a narcissist, they're definitely with someone.
This exactly what my husband did, blindsided me by leaving and he moved in with the secretary from his work. 12 years to nothing. Cold people
You get crazy when in a relationship with an narc because you are always on defensive modus and feels like you have to prove yourself. No matter how you talk, no matter what you do, it will always be you at fault. They are evil people, coming across like the Samaritan that “helps” people. But is a facade and it will go away as when you no longer serve their purpose
Exactly! I’ve been dealing with this for the past year as I’ve been seeing the truth about things. Always defending myself, endless “discussions” that always make me the one in the wrong and that I have to change my behavior to suit them but it’s never “enough”. Mine is also a helper - I’ve come to believe his identity is wrapped up in that facade.
Hoovering itself is a strong sign that the person really was a narc. Normal persons either finish it or come back, but for good. Christina’s throat, get well soon.
R N I’ m of course referring to the one that comes with the pattern. The other...I’ m not even sure qualifies as “hoovering”. Just my opinion.
R N I ‘m not a psychologist. When I first googled hoovering, I only found it within the context of NPD. I´ve only been hoovered by a narcissist in my life. Anyway, I think you totally misunderstood my comment in the first place and there’s no point in debating about it. To me the hoovering attempts were the final and strongest proof that I was in a toxic thing before. Of course there was a whole pattern that came along. That’s just how things worked with me, and, again I’m no expert.
Great point !!!!!!!!!!!
I find it funny when they try, I know exactly what they're up to! Not gonna play!
Yep it's f***in' hilarious during lockdown
They often punish the new supply for the old supply having left them.
She got way worse than I got.
I could see that based on the inevitable injury it causes 🙏❤
Brave New Me how do you know I’m just curious
@@miss.britt_ The new supply came to me after she had help from police, & a church to get her out and relocated as quickly as possible. She went into detail about how he had brought women right into the bedroom, in front of her ... mocked her, called her a homeless woman he couldn't get rid of, tortured her in many cruel ways... and then we contacted the others before us... 10 in all we were able to find. He's been doing this all his life.
I was the new and really got the brunt from old supply leaving her. I should have exited stage left when she would obsess about telling me all about her past and all about how shes always been the victim. Over....and over ..and over.....but yet i thought i could fix her...until i called her out...she discarded and new supply dating him 3 weeks later haha.......crazy. Lesson learned albeit rough one
@@Slickness1980 He talked about his ex every day. I finally told him "Look, do you see her? 'Cuz she's in this house every damn day, why is that?"
Of course, he had no answer.
I said I'm not her, so stop comparing how "great I am" to how "horrible" she supposedly was.
Am I the only one who thinks she looks like Céline Dion? 🤔
I thought the same thing.❤
It would be interesting to see how this crisis has affected narcissism. I feel for those people trapped in quarantine with a narc, it's going to be a living hell.
The thought of Narcissists trapped in quarantine alone with their true selves though is really interesting. They can try to hoover but can't get closer to make good on it. I wonder how many are suffering from narc collapse right now?
I would of been in jail , and I had no intention of loosing my freedom for a narc
@@angelvibes7287 omg i wish there were videos!!!!
@@aarongaffney725 its hilarious at first bc they try to use one another as supply and it sometimes it works but the malignant one always bests the covert/communal/grandiose one lol so to see them passive aggressively attack, gaslight, and cold shoulder (or is it stone wall?) one another then trying to grapple onto other ppl (who they usually treat like crap) after the discourse to make the other partner jealous. It is funny. Then I noticed when they where unsuccessful in feeding off one another and it caused discourse they will randomly invite over a group(s) of people so they can BOTH feed- or should i say feast. Its funny for a bit, then it gets pathetic and disturbing. Very sick minded people. I stay far away. Counting down the days to freedom!
They still meet other people. They don't adhere to self quarantine. Thanks, he possibly exposed me to Covid or worse.
I wish
Why narcissists stop hoovering:
If you are dealing with a fresh discard, you should know that some narcissists hoover and some don't (a question of style).
HOOVERING = sucking you back in, by a narcissist, after discard.
What attracts a specific person to a narcissist:
What attracts a narcissist to a person:
- looks for signs of codependency
- looking for someone who will put up with their stuff
- they do this more INSTINCTIVELY (they have a deep need of supply that drives them). We need to work on our vulnerabilities, so that they are not so attractive to someone who is looking to exploit them (the best defense against a narcissist is to work on you, self love etc.).
When they come back, and you have boundaries in place, they will not come back again, but will go for easier supply. Even if you say: "i want to give it a thought" , they will be gone. Even if you come back the next day. That is evidence that they never really cared.
Working on yourself and setting boundaries does not happen over night. In the meantime they might come back.
When you discard a narcissist, then keep going. It is dangerous to take them back, because in that case their biggest motive is revenge. They will discard, and more brutally.
You have a choice to make:
You started making a decision for yourself, you started chosing yourself. You can continue to chose yourself- or chose them (not both). It needs to be a clear cut.
If they start hoovering, has their opinion of you changed?
Yes. Before they could walk all over you or manipulate. Now they can't. They don't like it.
A hoovering narcissists is like a vulture around a wounded/weak/sick animal, just waiting to explit that vulnerability. Them not coming around is a sign that you are on a path to becoming a healthier person.
Are they not hoovering because of the new supply?
No. Most of them have no problem with cheating, or discards. It will not stop them. It all ends up the same way in the end.
Yes that is so true, they smiff out your insecurities even if you think your hiding them well they are experts at it!
@@pam164 you wouldn't believe how much they see/understand. It's razor sharp. They will keep their thoughts and observations to themselves (because: you are on a need-to-know basis). But if you have a chance that in some moment they will open up, and explain their observations of other people, you will notice, how it's all well observed, with all the possible strategic implications....
@@avgonyma1 Yes he never really spoke much was always watching me talk and he knew exactly what buttons to press to upset me.
The key word is boundaries. They will come back whenever they want, for as long as they want, and just to get whatever they have in mind. Otherwise they’ll most likely stay in their high castle.
GREAT POST!!!
He’s with someone right now and giving me the silent treatment, plus I already know the game 😊. Game over for him
my boundries r strong...i love myself.. i will only be with someone. who is worthy of me
Good words !
Hallelujah 🙏
I wasn’t hoovered even once after the discard.. must be lucky!
It's a good thing ❤🙏
They hoover for fuel (attention) its not about you. Your lucky you were not hoovered.
Yeah, it really is a good thing for you. I've been getting hoovered a few times the last months and it's a real nuisance to fend them off everytime. It's a bit like someone offering you a cigarette when you've just stopped smoking.
Noname Jenkins great comment, thank you. 💙
Allfiredup, But be careful, because they like to hoover when you no longer expect it. Especially when you have recharged yourself and you've kind of forgotten your pain, just when you feel better again. Happened serveral times with me.. Last time after 8 months complete silence.. Be always prepared.
My narcissist ended our relationship last week, and I am half-hoping that he will try to hoover me back. Please pray for me. I was someone he thought he could control. Think he has just realized that will never happen. I need to be strong now, and could use your prayers. Thanx for all u do to help us co-dependents.
You got it! One of the things that I most want to be is known as a fierce prayer Warrior. So I'm stopping right here right now and praying for you. God bless you and stay strong. You can do this. You will do this. I have no doubt. No excuse me please. I have someone special to pray for.😉🙏
@@funclassylassy4426 Thank u sweet heart; I appreciate your prayers more than u will ever know. God bless you.
Put yourself first. You matter he doesn't. Blessings and prayers.
Update
I'm praying for you! Stay strong you deserve better!! Hold On!!
I discarded my ex narc after 8 years. I had tried to get out of the relationship several times before but I always got sucked back in by him. This time I found out days after he moved out that he had been cheating on me for months. I knew then that I would never take him back. He didn't expect me not to get sucked back in and he expected that I would take him back like I had before. He hoovered me for over a year and he was with the NS the whole time. I went no contact and thought he would stop but he continued to hoover me for months. He finally stopped and he has shifted his focus onto the NS. It's been almost a year since he has tried to contact and I am loving the peacefulness of my narc free life.
Diane Tracey Congrats! 🙂But what happens to the new NS? it is unfortunate for her.. hope she is ok
Me too ,, 8 years later ,, I discarded my narc ,, he’s trying to Hoover like he always did ,, I blocked his numbers ,, I’m so done 👍
I ended my relationship with a covert narcissist person 18 months ago and I knew already afterwards that my ex would leave me alone. Why? Because I saw through her flaws, lies and fake behavior. I hurted her ego just as you tell in your video Christina because I put her aside. I confronted her at work in public when she came again with new demands over business where we still had to agree on. I wanted to finish this so I confronted her in front of our colleagues. She did not like that and yes, it was not professional from my part. I just wanted to end all of our connections so I could start healing and continu my life. And it worked. Good video.
I bet there is a lot of hoovering going on at mo with virus! my ex is blocked but im still on guard incase he slips through even though over year since he last hoovered. Stay strong everyone they don't care if your ok! its always about them and their needs!
I was praying to God on Monday begging him to get me out. Quarantine in particular has just really woke me tf up. The next day I found your channel and the trauma bond. It was the first time I could put this experience into tangible words and have a name on it. I finally feel like I can be free. It’s been 7 years for me in this situation, and I finally feel like I have the tools to outthink myself out of situations and manipulation. Thank you sooo sooo much for this channel!
Taylor's Journey may I ask how the quarantine made you think? I’m trying to do some evaluation about my hoovering ex who has new supply but I’m thinking the quarantine is going to shake that up.
@@steveloafe This comment will be long, so you will probably need some popcorn. lol
My narc is my child's father. We got pregnant 3 years after he discarded me. He had a new supply at the time of pregnancy, so imagine the chaos. Our pregnancy was the result of a hoover. During pregnancy, I did all I could to gain my self esteem for not just me but my baby.
I wouldn't call what followed a love bomb or a hoover. A think a better term for what he would do is micro hoover. When I was feeling down and overwhelmed he would be my saving grace and he would do this consistently for months. It started to slowly create an emotional bond. Slowly, I started to fall again. The key word here is slowly. Every time I felt myself longing for him I would evaluate his behavior to ensure it was safe. His manipulation was almost air tight.
Just when I was about to give him one more last chance... quarantine happens. He let his mask slip just enough for me to see the man I knew prior. He had 3 mask slips in the month of March. Typically he has one once every three months. The stress of quarantine has made him less composed and has worked in my favor. It has revealed his true feelings towards me.
Quarantine has shown me our relationship had become cloudy and murky. We aren't currently dating, but somehow I cant even describe what our relationship is. It was morphing into a life partnership. We are embedded into each other's family and friend groups because of the baby. This I realized was intentional. I snapped out of it and was like wtf how did this happen? How did I get back here again? Quarantine has forced me to be still and evaluate. I was being groomed to be supply again this time a life supply. It almost worked too. I promised myself I would not allow our relationship to affect my ability to parent our baby. I felt this happening a couple weeks ago and it made my discernment laser sharp.
The biggest advice I can give is... you recognize the hoover, and i know it is harddddd, but quarantine makes us especially vulnerable. It is very murky because she can play many emotional angles but it is all a game. Be thankful you recognize the game. Abuse rates are the highest during life disrupting events. In the wake of COVID-19, child abuse related deaths are going through the roof. The same is occurring to us except our abuse is emotional.
Quarantine is making her hoover because she's losing control in her own life. She needs to control you in order to feel safe. These are people at the end of the day, and they too are losing control of their daily lives. Forgive yourself and know it's okay to feel the way you are feeling. It took me 7 years and a baby to wake up. You will reach a point at rock bottom where it won't work for you anymore. I never thought I would get here, but it finally happened for me and it will for you. God Bless and I pray that your soul will find peace and the love you deserve.
@Steveloafe here is a slightly different take on hoovering and the quarantine. If your ex is anything like mine she won’t be back around during the quarantine because supply is very plentiful right now. My ex narc is a 40 year old woman with asthma so she’s at a higher risk of complications but that hasn’t stopped her from dating or should I say gathering supply. The dating apps are alive with people who are quarantined and itching to get back out there! There are typically more men than women using those services so any reasonably attractive woman has a plethora of options to choose from with men who are busting at the seams to resume life as we knew it before the virus. How do I know this? My covert ex narc told me as much! Her justification was it’s not risky because it’s just ONE more person she’s exposed to so it’s not a big risk. Now under normal conditions without the virus there would be a lot more available “dates” and the competition would be greater but right now it’s like shooting fish in a barrel. Lots of women are moms and won’t risk exposing their children or they are providers or caregivers and are being cautious but a single 40 year old woman with no children or other attachments has 30 guys lined up looking for a date! I’d be willing to bet your ex will be back after this virus is under control and there are more women to compete with her!
@@scottp2462 Well, that's great, if you can believe ANYTHING the ex narc tells you.
@@TaylorsJourney after hearing ur story I just wanted to step in to say this: pls concider what this person would/is doing to your child as well. Narcs will use children against you to make u do things to their advantage. They will also either corrupt or manipulate children as well. Please be care. This person is *not* your friend and they may be the child's father but consider the (high) potential of this child becoming narc food or a narc weapon. Be blessed ❤
Note. Not to be disrespectful an anyway but the way you address it as "we" got pregnant or "our" child possibly insinuates that maybe you have trauma bonded in that way as well. That is ultimately your child. You were pregnant. This person if they are the narc you feel them to be probably does not care anymore for that child than they do you. Unfortunately probably used the child as a means to make you permanent supply as you stated lifetime supply. Ask yourself, are they using your bond with your child against you in any way?
I'm sorry to pry as its not my intentions, but maybe just consider it for your safety and the safety of a child. And possibly looking into coparanting with a narcissist interviews by Dr. Ramani. She is a brilliant woman and all around endearinf human being. Much love to you ❤ keep ur head up and continue to move forward. Knowledge is power!
You’re so right about the revenge when you dump then take them back. He was furious with me, punished me for a while and tried his hardest to prove he was a “good” person. I finished with him for the final time 3 weeks ago. Still in contact but barely. His hoovering has stopped, he’s cold now and no longer begging me. It stings but I hope I can get over him.
All of the narcissists I have dated (on accident) had this very obviously creepy way of assessing me in the beginning stages of dating, but I didn’t know why at the time. I just thought they were being awkward lol
I discarded first
and then they came with the apologies and pleas to be friends
I took the bait
and then it was brutal.
Never again
ugh I know. I discarded him first and he hovered me during quarantine. I just know if I went back it would not be good at all. He would be angry with me.
Thank you. So true. He stopped hoovering after i set bounderies and tried to hoover again after 5 years.I Didn't answer him so he went back to the same supply he used after i discarded him.
My taking is that the narcissists are aware of their personality disorder that makes people flee and make an effort for some time, but sooner or later the disorder becomes apparent. It does happen that for various reasons some people see the red flags and put a end to the relation but others for whatever reason manage to put up with this behaviour and persist.
My narc friend told me he does hurt people he close too, some of his friends also hurt him, and some did research on him ( but he put it as they looking for stuff about me ) one time he ask me if i knew the difference between and socio and a spychopart which concluded to me that he knows what he is
VinTaVge0592 they finish by knowing how people consider them and can make a huge effort to overcome their flaw but eventually fail to keep it up. They know that they are sadists and manage to contain their impulses for some time but their natural impulses keep coming up
I was hovered the first two times we officially broke it off, though I guess the 6 times I broke it off but not officially she always hovered then too but that was always the next day....
Each time I had a stronger boundary until the last time..
No hoover no 5 months clean...
SOUL MATE WANTED:
I enjoy fine dining, moonlight walks on the beach, and travelling to exciting destinations.
SEEKING:
Souless, self-serving, narcissistic individual, to deceive, demoralize, and manipulate me. Previous experience a plus.
P.S. If you have a long history of train-wreck relationships, with dozens of abused and emotionally scarred victims in your carnage-trail ...
Please respond with all-caps in the subject line, so that I can contact you immediately.
Thanks,
(So excited. Can't wait to be crushed.)
🤣🤣🤣
I’d laugh uncontrollably if it weren’t so sad 😞
Yup. Sad reality
I’m usually the one who ended up discarding in my past relationship with who I think is a narcissist. He’d Hoover me back in , I would feel badly about leaving him because he’d seem so hurt I’d try again and soon after I’d start seeing the signs and feeling the abuse and get scared and end it. And the cycle would begin again because I’d always hold out hope he’d really change.
Thank you SO much. This video and your channel are a life saver. Truly! The hoovering has had me on edge but this video helps us stay strong. Thanks again!
Spent 20 years with one and such a waste of my young life!!! Wish I would have known- all the signs were there and I even remember specific instances that threw red flags and I just kept going... 🤬
Kristan Love oh no 😔I’m so sorry, 20 years is a lifetime 😔I only spent two years and I regret it terribly, how much more 20 years 😔what matters is you finally woke up🤗🤗🤗
Please don't be so hard on yourself. Stop looking in your rearview mirror at him. Keep looking straight ahead, focusing on your present and looking with joy and anticipation to your future. Your narc-free future! Now see, isn't that exciting?
You're not alone. My ex was a walking red flag when I met him. I remember even telling him that I would never be able to fill the hole in his soul. I said that to him before we even started dating and I still fell in with him. You want to know why? It's in part because I was trying to be polite. He clung onto me like a barnacle. I was too polite (didn't want to hurt his feelings) to shut the door firmly in his face. 15 years of back and forth hell that brought me. I feel so stupid. I can't remember the moment he finally hooked me and the devaluation began... Sorry. That was really long. I just wanted to say that you're not alone in feeling like whaaa?
My own "covert's" hoovering has stopped.. its been over a week now. Its so funny how this video came at just the right time for me.. the "vulture" comment is perfect. After I eventually had had enough and discarded, she always came around when I was way, way down. She did hurt me though, after, and it was very bad, but that was my own fault to be honest. I don't feel that way very often anymore.. "down".. at least lately. I believe its because I'm beginning to truly understand what I went through... and I am working on myself..!! There is nothing here for her (the vulture) to "pick" at anymore.. LOL
thank you for your videos. :)
It's sad but true... they are both opportunistic. The best defense is to become stronger, healthier and happier 🙏❤
Common Ego I guess I deleted my reply on accident.. lol.
Here it is... more or less..lol I agree 🙏🙏. Please keep up the good work 😊
@@Rejvjak530 🤣 thank you
Common Ego lol oops 😬🤣
They'll be no Hoover for me, I sent her a Richard Grannon link 😜😎 I ain't dumb. 29 signs you're with a civ narc,,, perfect
At first I thought that was genius, sending her that link. But now she knows what to look for, how to change her behavior, how to circumvent the system. I've seen a few narcs making comments here and on other channels like this. So now I'm thinking hmmmm....maybe it wasn't the best idea.
@@funclassylassy4426 that's exactly why I didnt.. I thought to myself that I will not help him in becoming more sly and give him this information so he could learn from it
It truely IS: YOU or THEM. This is my mantra when he Hoovers. Bye Felicia.
Another failed hoovering attempt led to 'seek and destroy' mission launched against me. Idk what part of my life he's going to attack this time. But the threat was clearly made. My response... This:
A narcissist's play book
1. Lie to make u trust and love. Appear to be human.
2. Systematically destroy your confidence, relationships with family and friends, and punish u for objecting to abuse. Display disgust and contempt for your vulnerability. And tell u that that ur thoughts, opinions, feelings r wrong/insignificant. During this stage they force feed u their delusional version of themselves where they exist, therefore they r entitled, to EVERYTHING including ur soul. If u even attempt to have a boundary it will be destroyed with more punishment to follow for attempting to be an individual. Your lack of cooperation in your own destruction, whether perceived or actual, constitutes further emotional abuse, sometimes physical abuse, as deemed necessary by your Lord and master. Lest we forget, any secret u may have shared (remember they gained ur trust) or even a random, made up story they invent is leverage and threatened to be exposed in a way that will humiliate and destroy any potential success or happiness with ur employment, finances, or relationships co-workers and/or friends (if u have any left), however it hurts u the most. It is also the perfect time to remind u they r ruthless and getting even, for them, is going to be atomic in nature. So u may as well fall in line. After they have seen you suffer enough to satisfy their evil thirst for your hemorrhaging eruption of pain and despair. They will be ready to receive the apology they deserve for having offended their delicate, fragile, hysterically delusional, disproportionately grandiose and totally unwarranted self image. Sadly, if u aren't ready to admit ur error in an attempt at self preservation it'll be time for round 2 of 'seek and destroy'. And if u have kids,
they r next. Maybe that will get ur attention! Because they can't actually FEEL (not even for their own child) anything unless they r destroying someone (which is pleasurable, for them, to be clear) and this will suffice for now. Delivering pain thru a surrogate is so much more interesting for the abuser. And it allows for the distinct pleasure of damaging 2 people simultaneously for maximum effect. Win. Win. When u reach ur limit, bc u will before they do, most assuredly. U probably have no one left in ur life to support u bc the abuser made sure that everyone knew WHAT u were REALLY like, according to their account of selfless struggles, trying to help u but u just didn't want to be a better person in spite of how hard they tried. Also they r probably spreading lies about things u supposedly said or did to anyone who didn't buy the other bullshit. And if anyone else gets their feelings hurt, it's collateral damage, and it's also YOUR fault. Effectively destroyed. Victory rhetoric spewed by the vindictive mouth which supports all of the unfounded, unearned fantastical fables of imaginary success they believe regarding their supreme intellect and infinite knowledge of all things, at all times, in every possible scenario, in every dimension of existence.
3. Now that ur only hope is that there will be an end to the torture, some day, some way... They will suddenly stop and apologize with empty words and say they didn't mean it (plz note that there won't be an apology for a specific action, e.g lying, abuse, attempting to coerce, extort, attempting to impose their will. That is viewed as potential ammunition that can b used against them later when they r telling u that u r crazy and they never did anything to hurt u. They may even deny an apology was ever spoken. Thankfully, u already look crazy for putting up with their shit so it's an easy sell... But for now the sudden relief from the pervasive torture literally shocks u and completely confuses u. To be clear it is their plan to effectively disregulate ur ability to make rational, logical, self preserving decisions as well as impair your ability to think clearly enough to state facts that refute the coming lies. And so it begins, in the suspended moments of time that u try to understand that the attack on ur existence has halted, they use that as a segway to begin to subtly insert themselves back into ur life. And sadly, they r the ones delivering u from the unbearable relentless torment. Also a strategy to confuse logic. You are desperate for relief and u r just grateful for the end of it. Leading to displaced gratitude. Make sense? No. But how could u make sense of any of this as it is happening?And this is the most important part! REMEMBER!!! THEY R ALSO STILL THE SAME DEMENTED SUBHUMAN THAT HEARTLESSLY INFLICTED ALL OF THAT PAIN AS PUNISHMENT FOR YOUR FAILING TO CONFORM TO THEIR ARBITRARY, FLUID, DESTRUCTIVE SET OF STATED AND UNSTATED RULES. THE LATTER PURPOSED SO U MAY ATTEMPT TO GUESS AND OFTEN FAIL WHILE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HEAD TRIP WE WILL BE GOING ON THAT DAY. So the fraudulent proclamations of enlightenment delivered with the compliments u have been starved of, on top of self serving, deliberate lies designed to delay and prolong ur pain upon discovery at a later date, the perpetually evasive validation that U yearned for have finally come to fruition along with a reprieve from the previously described torture ... Finally, he understands what U needed. And the proof is that he can verbalize it! U were the best thing that has ever happened to him. He only hurt u bc he was so hurt by losing u...(this is another way of blaming u for MAKING them behave like a satanically possessed, bloodthirsty demon). And here is one more chance (to play head games, manipulate, coerce, and overtly force and inflict their self serving demands and narcissistic ideals on u, against ur will, just for their sick pleasure) for the love they already knew u wanted but will never deliver bc it is within their power to destroy u at their leisure. They r masters of deception, ur no match for them. They have been improving and honing their acting skills since they were old enough to realize they didn't FEEL anything and needed to learn how to imitate human feelings like empathy and compassion. They r broken on a cellular level and even the professionals admit it is a waste of time and resources to attempt to help them as they see no problem with their behavior. In their view, if u r stupid enough or weak enough to be a victim then u deserve whatever u get. They will exploit any and all weaknesses they have discovered in u (remember the trust). And if u make the mistake of having ANY reaction or emotion that reveals ur humanity they see it as just another vulnerability for inflicting more pain( which is ALWAYS and will FOREVER be the primary objective). So if u believe the ass load of heaping bullshit, that is their pathetic attempt at sucking u in for more amusing torture prepare to repeat steps 1-3 as many times as they want, for as long as they choose, in whatever twisted manner they like. As for me, I'd rather burst into flames and descend from the sky like a shooting star than spend another millisecond of my precious life energy thinking about or in the presence of my my emotional sadist. Lastly, I forgive u. Because my peace resides within me, cultivating love for me. Beholden to none but me. Eventually forgetting you.
Almost 4 years no contact...he discarded me without any closure and hasn't hoovered back since. Saw him with a new supply whilst rock climbing with my now fiancé over 2 years later.
I'm still trying not to be so traumatised about it.
I really liked your take on the narcissist coming back for revenge after you’ve moved on for them. I’ve experienced it and I often wondered if it was an actual thing.
Hi sweetie! Blessings stay safe and take care! He even gets close to where Im am that SNAKE going to jail!!
Thanks, and you too! ❤🙏
Your videos are so helpful. When you spoke of them being back for revenge, I’ve gone back twice and the last time my intuition was telling me he was only back to hurt me worse, out of revenge. I kept thinking it was an awful thought to think but it was the first time I’ve began listening to my inner voice again. It’s been 8 months no contact. Thank you for helping me stay away.
My ex discarded me back in Oct. Hes hoovered me off & on since & hes still with the NS. However he has not last 2 weeks. The NS is making it clear on social media not a bed of Rose's living with him & its only been a month! I think he has another supply.
Mine is still hoovering me like a freaking maniac. I wonder if he has nothing better to do.
It's been YEARS since I stopped reacting to his attempts. He keeps on trying though.
PLEASE consider staying “no contact” I also lost myself thinking that it was me, the part of it that was me was that I didn’t value myself enough to avoid his constant abuse. All of us are so valuable and worthy of healing. 💕
I so agree with you. Please view videos by HG Tudor.. self identified narc.. he gives you the perspective of a narc. So much knowledge. ❤️
Tina; I have years of understanding and current perspective. I am very familiar with HG Tudor. In the future please refrain from giving others unsolicited advice on channels like this one.
Monica Cordelia oops sorry
I've been with a narc for almost 4yrs. He keeps on hoovering most specially when he he sees im happy without him. What's better for me to discard the narc first or ill just let him discard me?
Why would you want a hoover anyway. No contact - that's it. Bye.
thank you for educating us! I am so happy to hear this.
my narcissistic ex texted me once last year, few months after he broke up with me. i never replied and he never tried to contact me again. i feel so lucky😂
thank you for your videos! you are doing amazing job! they have helped me so much to understand everything! even tho i am more than a year after this break up.. i hope i will be better after some time..
Hey Christina! Great job as always!! Be safe and chat soon!!! 🙏😘😘♥️
Thanks, and you too! ❤
I left my narcissist. Now he’s trying to get me back. He’d lost his job. He threatened suicide. At the time, I was scared for him and “helped “ him. Now I realize it was manipulative. He says he’s “changed now.” He is saying all the kinds of things that I needed/wanted to hear and feel for real before I left him. Like , you’re so good and kind. You are beautiful. I think only about you. And blah blah blah. The sad part is that I want to believe it because I wanted it for so long. I have let him partially back into my life, but my gut is telling me that he’s the same and merely putting on an act. And all sorts of people are in his court! So thanks for this video;it’s a good reality check for me.
I made a mistake after I discarded a narcissist and then taking them back... and of cause they discarded me again and it was horrible! They left me for a love interest (new supply) it was some form of revenge 100% on me for leaving them... it hurt a lot at the time but now I’m learning about narcissism and I’m understanding their behaviours... i don’t hear from the narc now, which is a good thing I guess.
Thanks for the videos, very helpful! x
I was wondering why the hoovering suddenly seemed to stop and now I can see why. Thanks!
Here's what happened in my hoovering. They came back. Started talking. Joking around. Normal harmless stuff. I kept the responses cordial but not too much emotion. Then, they asked me to plan something with them. I agreed but postponed it to another day since I was busy. They simply said let it be, I will find someone else. Also, they said let it be, go do your own thing why worry about me? All that passive aggressive stuff. And then they said let it be I will find someone else. Like they contacted me just to bait me in, and then discard, just to feel powerful again. It hurts so bad because you can never expect clear open communication from them. It's all subtle passive aggressive stuff and they never say what's on their mind. They blame their behaviour on astrology or their past. It's so so discouraging and makes you feel like after doing so much it is still not enough. They expect you to cope up with their behaviour and be the bigger person but they will never take responsibility and own their mistakes. Never correct it. Forgiveness is like permission for them to repeat it and keep hurting you. It's not nice. Especially if you're pretty sensitive. You might not say it directly to that narc because you're afraid itll trigger them so you explain it in a friendly euphemism, trying to keep it as constructive as you can. But even that doesn't seem to work. Ughhh.
They don't care about themselves as a person so how can they care about you. They hate love bc they didn't get it as a child so they blame God and hate him to. That's when the devil takes possession of thier whole being thus having a mental illness. Karma may get them but karma can't change them
I've not received a hoover and I'm 6 months no contact. I've got him blocked in every way I can think of. The only reason he'd hoover is because of the inheritance I'm getting. Nothing yet and hopefully I never will.
Receiving your inheritance is a wonderful thing. Him finding out about it, not so much. So, that is what I would do. I would let it slip to a friend that will tell him that you've left your entire inheritance to a charity. Or, you can portray yourself as that crazy old cat lady on the hill and let it "slip" that your entire Fortune is going to your cat, Otto (substitute the actual name of your pet here). It'll drive the person NUTS. They'll l totally lose it, thinking that the money is going anywhere but in their pocket. Personally, I really wish we could see their face when they find out that little nugget of information.🤣🤣🤣🤣👍
The part when Christina said the Narcs come back for revenge is true, 2 years ago I was contacted by an old GF I saw briefly in 1970, I ended it for a couple of reasons if I remember correctly, she was a bit vacuous, not really with it, and at 17 everything is on fast forward, so after txting for a year she moved in with me, a year later I get the discard which was brutal, she flew to the UK on an errand and after 4 days of silence I get a txt saying she's starting a new life there, followed by another txt saying she going back to Turkey ( where she lived originally) and then on to the States, so mixed messages, at no time did she actually say it's over, but for sure it is, those actions are unacceptable in my view.
One guy HOOVERED me in a back road n man handled my bike into his car..... without my consent...over 17 years ago... Not one guy has ever put my bike into his car since..... haha....
I kind of wonder where you did put your bike. 🤣
An experience with a narc I see as something very positive. Even if it did hurt when discarded. Why?
1: You grow stronger emotionally and mentally, you mature in ways you didn't think possible.
2: You start all sorts of new activities and set new goals and along the way meet new exciting people.
3: You will cross paths someone worthy of your time and energy.
4: You finally see the red flags early on, but this time you won't fall for them.
5: You're awesome and they are not! Because you know how far you'll go for someone you love.
We move June 1st. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks for all your help.
This is exactly what happened to me the past 3 Hoovers...I kept putting up more and more boundaries and then she never came back and I was like that's strange? What changed? Hahaahhaha
i wish I saw this video a week ago, as I fckd up again. I managed to discard my covert narcist ex a month ago, by ignoring his message. Was so proud of myself, went no contact and I could feel he was in shock. and then he got back in touch last week asking how I was. And I stupidly thought that he genuinely was interested in me. I replied the next day and asked how he was doing, thinking, hey, we are all human, life is tough enough, let’s celebrate just being alive and healthy. And he just went no reply. And I can feel he just got in touch to seeing if I’d answer and to have his little revenge. Sadly enough he continues liking my social media posts, so my biggest question is - should I block him, or would it be too childish?
BLOCK HIM. NOW. On every conceivable telephone and social media Outlet. The thing that would be childish is for you to take him back or give him a second thought. If a narcissist can only think about themselves and what's good for them, why don't we each think about ourselves and what's good for each of us? Now get off this Channel and go block your little heart out. We're rooting for you! You can do it!🙏👍
Thanks so much for your support 🙏 I keep thinking the way forward is to bring myself to that level, that when he contacts me I just don’t react, that it doesn’t impact me in the slightest. Feel like blocking him is just brushing the problem under the carpet. Or am I wrong?
They do that for revenge, to punish you. So it’s pointless even responding, especially if they aren’t saying anything significant
Don’t ask any questions ever
I think is their life style or the way they deal with people but i personally think when they don't or stop hoovering is because they know the damage they have done to you is too toxic and rather avoid any sort of narcissistic injury they will maybe try to hoover when they feel everything had died out and hoover you when u list expected
7mos post discard. She monkeybranched to some gimp new supply. No hoovers. Im in no contact. I have leveled up immensely. Shes not coming around at all. Not a peep. I think im free but not super sure...
When they stop Hoovering (b/c you know their number, you know what they were after, you see that all their relationships are codependent, toxic & exploitative), trust me when I say, you will be cordially relieved. It is best for them, too, b/c they need someone to respect them immensely. You don't.
If they stop Hoovering you, they are not as malignantly hopeless as some narcissists. Perhaps they can find someone who wants them. I have dated several younger men, but when it comes to narcissistic men, I truly believe they are better off with a younger woman (even significantly) in order for the dynamics to work, if anything can work or improve with narcissists (debatable).
My narssistic boyfriend always wants to come back!😂 I don’t think he has personality disorder I just think he has server trauma that lead him to become a narcissist
When the broke up happen , i kinda did the hovering thing
Now I'm sad and confused
Whether i am a narcissist or not
I need help ... Please
I loved your analogy with the vulture!
The fact that they coincidentally pop up just when you've finally stopped thinking about them, indicates there's a spiritual component - especially when they have no way of keeping up with your life. It's like they just know because the devil whispered in their ear.
I was with a narc for the 1st time 27 years ago. He discarded me, got married with someone else. Eventually she left him and he came back 20 years ago.
That time he tried pushing me out of a moving car on the highway. And I promised myself never again.
Well, 2 years ago he came back and I told myself people change. Maybe I don't remember correctly. Maybe I was mistaken.
This time he destroyed my life. I am now jobless and penniless because of the one decision to give him another chance.
My family turned their backs on me and I only recently started talking to my siblings again.
To all survivors: DO NOT take them back. Even if you really think they have changed. The ONLY way in which they change is to become worse.
Im very sorry to hear this, I am sure things will get back on track for you & I hope if those bonds are meant to be then they’ll be mended! Narcs are amongst the most hideous of all people & they’re karma is built within their own constant daily misery. He’ll get his. Stay strong!
I don’t know how many times I have been in situations like this where I knew for a fact 100% it was the wrong way to go and then just went back almost as if I wanted to be punished. Knowing point blank that the person that I wanted so badly was so wrong for me and was going to be nothing but heartache and I still went back because it’s almost as if I’m a masochist and enjoy being abused. I never knew about your channel and while it’s not for everybody… I understand everything you are saying. It’s nothing new. Narcissists are the same exact people from one person to another. The situations may be different but the people are the same. And they truly do not give a fuck about anybody but themselves… You may think that they are charming and witty and kind and loving and generous… And part of them may very well be that… at times...But in the end… They only give a fuck about themselves and that is true across the board with all Narcissists.
I really like your videos. They are empowering🙌
I've had two narcissistic friends in the past. One of them never hoovered, thankfully. The other one is. She knows exactly how to play on our loyalties when it comes to friendship. She is trying to make us feel guilty. But we don't care anymore. I wish she would just go away!
Great insight. Grateful for you and your channel.
Thank you! 🙏❤
If they look for someone codependent is it possible for them to discard you for that same reason when you get clingy?
Yep, Brianna Mcmillan explains on youtube about attachment styles. Avoidants and anxious attached. Itll help listening to these.
Thank you for the information. The analogy of the vultures circling was excellent. I was discarded and went no contact for almost 4 months. I have been working on myself during this time. Again thank you.
These videos have been the best thing for me, I just got out of a covert narcissistic relationship and have been all over the map emotionally, but being able to recognize when they are hoovering, using the gray rock technique for myself has helped immensely because we both work together, and it has proven difficult to set boundaries while having to work with them 8 hours a day. Thank you so much for all the advice and tips:)
Christina, Covid or allergies? I'm serious.
I just recovered and your voice sounds like it. I had seven people in my family who had it in March.
If you get major fatigue in the next few days, that is a good indicator that it is not the flu or allergies. You will also experience body aches (shoulders, back), achy lungs.
NPD abuse is worse than Covid. I've experienced both.
It's funny... someone mentioned my voice earlier and I had no idea what they were talking about. I had a chance to listen again and I hear it now. It might be allergies. I was definitely a little froggy 🐸😅
We've been isolated for weeks, so I doubt covid is much of a possibility for me. I'm glad to hear it was mild for you. I've been hearing a lot of that from friends and family too, but the worst-case scenarios are concerning ❤🙏
@@CommonEgo, Hopefully you are okay. Just watch out for the "fatigue". You won't feel like doing much for three or four days if you have it.
Early on it is easy to confuse with allergies or flu.
Wow! Love the vulture analogy/metaphor
Thanks for the video Christina...Days prior to the discard, I firmed up on my boundaries, as I noticed that my x narc and his 3 minor kids were taking over my home and my life, and in a flash he was gone...it's been 9 weeks since and no hoover...this is an absolute good sign because he has realised that he can no longer manipulate me...
I was discarded 6 weeks ago...i had during our 3 year relationship, especially the last year, suspected something was mentally wrong with her...she listened to nothing and changed nothing about herself in the relationship even though she constantly complained that she was unhappy...i recently came across these videos and started to learn about NPD and it seems to match up very closely to the way she acted...so I feel like she could be a narcissist...shes with the new supply, a guy she was secretly talkung too for almost 6 months prior to the breakup...she acts as if the relationship went bad completely because of me and she acts like shes the happiest she has ever been in her life right now...learning about this, NPD, has given me somewhat of some closure where before I had none...just hoping to learn more and any advice is appreciated
My ex guy I used to love, used to lovebomb and manipulate me, he was angry all the time, complained about bad mood and depression. Refused to talk about personal questions and more ofthen than that, I was projected on things he felt in himself. Like example: you are crazy! He was diagnosed clinically as Borderline (BPD). RUN RUN RUN, he never told me he was bpd, only depressed and anxious... he wanted to turn me crazy! Questioning myself... At second round, I "hoovered him", and it was brutal. He used, abused, and discarded me all the time. I was able to run from manipulation 9 months ago and never looked back. My life is in peace now. I rather have no one to love for the rest of my life, than having him to love, who is fake, abusive, manupulative and what else. He didn't even love me in the end, he used to love my money, and kind personality. I tried to help someone who can not be helped...
My first guy was borderline too I used to love. He acted just like your ex woman. At first I was lovebombed despite he was from Poland. He absolutely told his home address, his credit card number, his email password and everything really. He showed off all his photos of childhood and started to talk about his trauma in it. I mean neglecting with care from parents, suicide attempts, second guy did that too... They are broken inside, but he acted happy and in first week we used to Hangouts for HOURS nonstop... He started to show love for me, and in a year we did a trip to Germany. Good party with music I love, and he is too, this is one thing we were able to match on Facebook. Even before that trip, he started to talk less and less, and after that trip he complained. I did this wrong, I did that wrong, like think: eating at the same time? Partying at the same place? He didn't like me looking at his eyes all the time, but he lovebombed me. That was first trip, we had also hotel night... On second to the next party in Germany he was nice. We did party and had a hotel night... Until when I arrived home and he said EVERYTHING is over. He said to find better deals locally and that I made him unhappy? How he could then be "happy" just at trip? He enjoyed it, but made a final letter, and said he won't answer anymore to my messages or mails. To this day he didn't contact, but he said "I will write you if needed". This ment for me an open way to hoover. If new supply will not work... He complained often about his bad life, and if I could be more busy, I'd be happier he said. At that time in 2016 I was on Facebook and he was constantly on my stream "Someone added him as a friend". He got friends all the time to the point I removed him from my friend list. He tried to make me bad. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. These people only see their benefit, they won't consider yours. I survived TWO guys all BPD, and is living my best life now without them. Because you don't need them, you can see by their actions how important they are.
I choose myself I Choose You I choose to listen.. I dont understand everything but i understand that everyone deserves love
So interesting about what happens when YOU discard the narcissist. I need to research that more.
Squizitzi!🤣that’s Italian for yummy 😋
have noticed they hoover continually,seems to be constant manipulation.
How you can prove that you are not narcissist? wouldn't be sure about you.
Christina, from my view i think you are so valuable to the world.
Thank You
I think it's a simple case of looking in ones self if someone fucks you over cut your losses and deal with the pain fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me
I agree with everything you said and If you take a narcisists back after you have discarded them you will regret it badly, they come back for revenge.
This happend to me , I walked away because he kept going silent on me when I expressed my feelings, then he hoovered me about 8 months later only to discard me after 6 months of emotional and verbal abuse. Everything was disguised as a joke only to make me doubt myself. They are truly sick people. They are only after what they can get. My attitude now is if somebody shows you once who they are then believe them.
Are narcissist aware of these “phases” like do they know the steps of what they are doing or are they oblivious? I am soooo jealous of other supplies, I don’t care if he doesn’t care about me or them. How about I let him come back and I keep discarding him first over and over? I think maybe I have some narcissist qualities but I’m also an empath (with fury!)
After so much abuse 19 yrs
In defence after he had beaten me numerous years in defence I hit him back
I mean same medicine feels good
But i then thought i cant stoop to his level as that's exactly what they want to take away the goodness and blessing we have
I was beaten 7 months pregnant
Raised by a single narcissist father
Wasted my 19 years on this idiot for my child
Little I knew he brainwashed my autistic child
God is watching
She was an angel for 12 years but after watching your videos i found out this last year that shes a narc now ...the whole checklist I'm happy I got to the bottom of it because I couldnt understand why she was the way she was but because of u I know she is a narc....but how? Hiw can she be perfect for so long then change into a whole COMPLETE DIFFERENT person after 12 years how ?
He's hoovering and I want him to stop and leave me alone.
Amen...goodbye y good riddens🤗💛🙏🕯️
They stop when you play dead and block them. Then they try to get a hold of you on eBay. We used to call hoovering “stalking”.
Nice. So true about the stalking. Creepy af.
THANK U CELINE DION
"you never chased me" omgggg crazyyyyyyy
No way! Mine said that, too!
This is a really great video. I broke up with the narcissist and I’ve never seen so much hoovering and love bombing.
She sent cards, flowers, stuffed animals but I didn’t go back. I’ve dated another narcissist in the past and know what you say is true. They will punish you or make your life more complicated.
You could find out they cheated, lied to you, and did other scandalous things to you while you were together the first time. They can find a way torture you and make you very sorry you ever opened that door again. Slam the door shut and walk away. It will save you lots of pain.
I have NEVER heard anyone talk about what CAN HAPPEN TO YOU when you go no contact. Do thank you for mentioning " the punishment" (Side note.. It's weird that everyone just assumes the empath was left & not the other way around) I dated a narc/sociopath for 2 months. The entire relationship time was good. After 2 months we had an argument & he smacked me (lightly) but he smacked me! I ended immediately. I said GET OUT. He left & hid... I walked to the store about a mile away & he popped up out of thin air trying to convince me to give him another chance. Finally, he freaked out....and left (towards the bus to his house) & I went home 🏡 and so did he. 2 weeks later he was living in my attic...he had an ex of his up there living and! and one of my closest "friends" joining the party sometimes (flying 🐒) to give up more info on me besides what he was spying on me from upstairs. I called the cops 9xs. Called my family, my "friend" had already called my dad and said I was hallucinating & thought I had " people living in my walls" There was a crawlspace that led to my garage. So they could go thru the crawlspace & leave thru the garage also. It went on for 4 weeks during which time this psycho drugged me raped me robbed me repeatedly.. I couldn't even rent a hotel room bc he stole my card . He didn't take a dollar off it... just so I was helpless. He stole both my phones & they were back in the morning with the charger ports broke. He had his ex gf hack my acts even my wifi & controlled when I could or couldn't watch tv!! I need to write a damn book! I can't even say how I exterminated 🐀🐀🐀 what it took to get rid of them! You have to go do far outside the box. No money no help my only friend was playing both sides of the fence. This was all because I broke up with him after ONLY 2 months of dating. Its been 7 months I changed my # 7 times. I moved. Even this I have to be careful. My phones were absolutely hacked even for months after I moved. Google would send me a message everytime with the email address. I have not called or talked to anyone except my Dad since (7-8 months!) . I had fucking cameras watching me in my home! With these creeps up in my crawlspace! If I took a shower they would rob me blind. Or put GHB or whatever in my drink and NOBODY would believe me! I'm a G though. Lol. But... I woke up a 2nd time feeling drugged & feeling like my clothes weren't right & I should have had the right to murder him at that point. Came close. Lol. I haven't seen anyone involved since that night. They left for the night. I boarded up my home of 12 yrs. I moved the following day. He turned me into the psycho for a night while he became the abused. Once again I broke up with him after 2 little months. He became beyond obsessed. Idk why I know they dont love so why?? Just leave me alone already. And still he showed up at the door, tried to deny it blame someone else & get back together! 🤯🤯Omg....I can't even imagine the hell my life would be now! 🖤💯PLEASE BE CAREFUL LADIES SOME OF THESE MEN ARE FAR FAR MORE DANGEROUS THAN IT SEEMS. (I still try to rationalize this shit)🤷♀️🤯👁🙅♀️🙅♀️🙅♀️🙅♀️🙅♀️🙅♀️🙅♀️🙅♀️🙅♀️🙅♀️🙅♀️ You just can't make sense of it. They are sick and some are sadistic. And his ex that helped him hurt me is a narcissist too! How do you help your boyfrienddrug & rape his ex? They're so sick 🤢🥰🥰🤥🤥🤥👻🤥🤥👻🤥🤚👉👉👿☠👿☠💀🙅♀️🙅♀️
He’s already trying to Hoover me again 🙄 already went through the smear campaign I really don’t care anymore. He tried Lovebombing me 8 times in one day. 5-6yrs of Hoovering me. I figured it all out & it no longer works.
A beautiful ,a good thing to not be hoovered.. Let him /her go wherever and I be left in peace 🌹🌹🌹.
Thank You. Christina🙏🙏💞💞💞
I think I just experienced hoovering from my possibly narc boss. It's probably happened before, but I am new to studying narcissism and have gone from feeling confused, demoralized, exhausted, suicidal, angry, grey rock, to empowered resilience in about two months. I blame the UA-cam Algorithm for showing me the light. Anything I do at work that would normally feel stellar under previous bosses, is treated like a disobedient threat and I experience punishing micromanagement of mundane, chaotic tasks, with no permission for asking questions that would provide autonomy. But last week I learned about Grey Rocking, and today he was complementing a months old simple common sense idea I had proposed and told me I deserved a "Gold Star on my forehead". I felt the hoovering and kinda watched myself falling for it. He kept complementing me until I broke Grey Rock and became conversational. It is such a weird experience. I'm thankful for getting this far. I wish leaving were simpler for my situation. It's been five years since I first asked his boss to find a way off his team, but only a few months of learning about narcissism. Thanks CommonEgo and UA-cam!
Hello,...met a narc ( not sure , but I think he was a narc , did all the narc behaviors) who was married, he lied about it at first.... then confessed and promised to divorce... and foolishly I stayed ..... I gave him several opportunities to leave on good terms and go figure things out..... each time he lied and promised and swore he loved me and was sure of leaving etc......I endured several love bomb and discard cycles , but divorce never came, so I Left Him....blocked him and went silent....he popped up a couple weeks later with invoices from A divorce lawyer , asking for me to just open the lines of communication....I told him we could maintain communication but not get back together until he was officially divorced ...... 2 weeks later I was discarded again over a silly argument about going to lunch with my dad, he accused of being with a man, again...I am so lost.... I truly believe he is done with me and he’s gone for good this time, and I understand that it may be a good thing...... but I am devastated to be honest ..... I don’t understand any of this ....if you have a response or video for this situation, I would really appreciate it.....could you please help me, .... please ... I’m breaking down...
Mine seems to try from time to time but is quite clumsy with it. Partially because of her anger management issues. When we met for exchanging the kids or because they forgot something at her or my place, she tended to be _super_ nice sometimes, way more than even in the beginning of our relationship. I was baffled so I didn't react accordingly. Thus: phone calls a few minutes later with accusations, yelling, cursing, ... or text or voice messages of the same kind. Strange. Should it have worked, maybe it would have taken some time. I mean when you actually have a crush you keep going even though he/she doesn't merry you at the spot (rhetoric exaggeration).
Luckily she didn't. Nowadays I'm safe, at some time in the past I might have fallen for that hadn't she done a backward somersault immediately. (Maybe the latter loses in translation - not a native speaker.)
My ex husband was so drunk one evening he sat and told me about all the bad he has done in his life,he went on to tell me about his brother and sisters and what his dad has done and what his dad is (I am sure you can read between the lines)If i had of known this before i married him i would never of entertained him in the first place (a whole family of them)I have now watch my ex lose everything (job,home,family)In 17 years of being with this man he never had any friends,no one phoned him and no one knocked on the door for him.this man put me through a living nightmare physically and mentally,(I SURVIVED IT)