*Think you may have had a relationship with a narcissist?* Download the FREE checklist to see how your experience stacks up to the phases of narcissistic abuse: www.commonego.com/checklist
and abusive perpetrating family members yeh - had this experience when I confronted abusive brother with the truth and he literally, physically ran away' with @@vitkomusic6624
Agreed. However it did make my narcissistic former colleague and friend project all of her insecurities on me. Literally everything she accused me of doing when I stood firm on my boundaries, exhibited that the word no is a complete sentence and held her accountable for her absolutely troubling boundary trampling behavior, she accused me of doing everything she was doing. You know the whole circular talk thing. Little did I know, what I took her to tasks on everything and let her think that I knew more than she thought I did and had her thinking that everyone was talking about her, I used her own gas lighting and emotional manipulation tactics against her. I thoroughly terrified her into turning into a ghost. She left me alone and I eventually used the silence and mental vacation to go fully no-contact
When I pointed out her hypocrisy in criticizing my behaviors while she was exhibiting those exact behaviors, she literally said “My issues are just part of my personality. Your issues are _moral_ issues.” That was a turning point for ME. We’ve been married for over 20 years. It took me that long to start seeing reality, but I’m on a much healthier path now.
Absolutely true, exact same thing with me...I'd be constantly baffled by witnessing her actions and behaviors projected onto me, and yes, being accused of those actions while she was exhibiting them!
Unfortunately my dad like that 😏 and mother gives me the silence treatment. My dad uses the phrase I was born this way this was part of my personality.
So spot on. My version was, "you just want me to be exactly like you. If you wanted someone who would see your perspective, you should have married someone else."
1. I was gonna be nice, but now you don't deserve it 2. You're the one trying to control me. 3. Agree with my opinions because they're fact, and if you don't agree you're not intelligent. 4. I don't care what you or anyone else thinks. 5. My personal life is private. I don't owe you an explanation. 6. It's your fault I get so angry. You provoke me. 7. Stop judging everything I do. You're so critical of me. 8. It's fine when I do that, but you're not allowed. Essentially, do as I say and not as I do. 9. That's not the way I remember things at all. You're welcome ❤
Quotes: You ruined everything... I don't care...I've done everything to you and you don't appreciate it...I just live life but you won't let things go...You only think about yourself...We are dating, and I don't owe you an explanation...You are too sensitive...I don't feel the need to respond to every message. ( no response to my sincere message).... You are embarrassing me.
It's so crazy how spot on this is to what I went through. How are they all the exact same? How does their childhood lead each of the narcs to the same tactics and behaviors when the disorder comes from situational environments? I can't wrap my head around it all. 😢
After one of my aunt's wake, my mother raged at my other aunt for not including her more in activities. Amongst awful accusations she asked, "why do you guys hate me so much?" To which my aunt replied, "I don't know, maybe it has to do with you sleeping with our boyfriends and husband." She was also planning on sleeping with an old crush during that trip, while her own husband was back at home working. Her retort when confronted was, "Its not my fault. My mother made me this way." And then she got indignant for being "disrespected". These people have no shame and are disgusting.
*_My mother made me this way_* Wow. I can relate. I have a sibling who is the same. Yeah mum may have treated them a certain way, but ultimately they are responsible for their own behaviour and they should actually know better and act accordingly Sadly it’s too easy when they can blame a dead person for their own shortcomings, play victim and seek the sympathy
For the emotionally secure person we have an old saying; "your actions speak so loud I can't hear a word you are saying." Narcissists believe we are manipulating over boundaries because when they do it they are manipulating. I was raised with narcissists and they commonly accused me of things they were doing and I was not.
Yeah projection is a big part of it, they complain about people doing the very things they do. I also noticed whenever I tried to shine light on things they do to get them to change all it did was when we were around other people they would try n accuse me of the things I tried to educate them about. They would have never been able to come up wit those things had I not told them about them. I jus stopped trying because what I realized was they weren't even trying to convince me of anything, they were really jus trying to keep the lie up to themselves. You can literally stop arguing and they'll continue on basically arguing wit themselves.
My ex called me toxic because I called her out on a lie. She told me she couldn't get pregnant because she had the surgery. Once we broke up, she dated another guy and got pregnant. When I confronted her I said " you told me you couldn't get pregnant. Her response " I said I had the surgery, I NEVER said I couldn't get pregnant. I'm glad I RAN from her when I did. 😅
They always blame you for your reaction to their behavior. You were probably hurt and fed up - never stay with someone who disrespects you. Don’t betray yourself ❤️ lessons we have to learn.
The thing I hate about some of these phrases that narcissists use is that they make you say things that the narcissists say. How many times have we wanted to point out the narcissists hypocritical behavior, or point out how the way we are feeling and responding is a direct response to their actions that were inappropriate? It's so insidious because you end up doing and saying things that narcissists say, which if they are well read and intelligent on the topic, can turn it right back around on you to make it sound like you are the narcissist. They are expert level gas lighters. They will lie and say that you are committing the behaviors that they routinely commit, just because of these phrases.
If you think about a bully coming up and starting a fight with you, anything you do to fight back to defend yourself, will look exactly like what they are doing. Out of context, your behavior might look exactly like theirs. Think about the 'Stand your ground' law. At one snapshot of the encounter, the defender looks like a murderer. But they're innocent. This is how they all work. They shove you, wait for a reaction of defense, then take a snapshot of that moment as if it's the only thing that happened, rather than the truth which is you were defending yourself from them. I've learned to never react if at all possible, because that's what they want more than anything. They bait us.
Ha. I went through this. OMG what I did was hilarious. She was pissed over something. Started blah blahing on me. WITHOUT speaking or making eye contact, I pulled an uno reverse card out of my wallet and slapped it on the table. Never looked at her. The resulting explosion of sound was impressive. Lol. Get rekt, bitch.
Yes, that’s also how they are so good at the smear campaign. Who is more believable? The charming narcissist with a carefully curated presentation or you, the “crazy” target who has been driven off the edge?
@@SilentThundersnowoh my gosh/ sometimes you can’t even get away clean by not reacting… the more they walk all over you if someone noticed, it’s still your fault for being victimized because you never enforced a boundary. It looks like you’re letting go then walk all over you even if all you did was observe their behavior. I guess that’s why the only answer is to get away from them. Even if you kinda can’t without hardship and difficulty.
I had a lucky escape. I totally fell for the love bombing but set boundaries from the start and stuck to them. After 4months the devaluation started happening. I just ignored her. Said I understood and continued to set boundaries every time she disrespected me. She then dumped me via text because I suggested that moving forwards our relationship needed to look different- more equal. Made some ridiculous claims that I was being emotionally demanding 😅 I said "sorry you feel that way, the door is always open if and when you're ready for a mutually respectful relationship" she tried several times to hook me back in, but i was conveniently busy, which was met with silent treatment. It's so important to get to know someone properly before sleeping with them
I noticed this empathetic and carefully worded texts I’d send. I could have a novel about finding out I have terminal cancer, and if I put a line such ‘Please listen to my concerns and excuse my unavailability during this time’ and she’d go nuclear.
Omgg my ex did this but the time it stood out most was after a fight I had with him. I vented to my "friend" about it, and it evolved into a fight between the two of us, which she ended by saying "I'm leaving this conversation because it's not healthy for me". I replied, "you sound just like [then bf's name]". I heard from my then bf the next day that she was crying, saying she couldn't breathe, to him, and he told me she sent "all the screenshots about what I said about him". Turns out she sent screenshots about the fight between the two of us, not what I said about my then bf. But, the only part he cared about was when I said at the very end "you sound just like [bf]".
@insoporous9978 I always found that the only way to punish an asshole is to stand there and talk to them like they're your friend. You can watch them sit there and think that you're such a dumbass that you don't even realize they hate your guts.
I was 33 years old when I finally understood how bad of a narcissist my father is... which is kind of crazy. It took a vacation with him to relive my childhood, and when I did it finally dawned on me... I tolerate him for short periods now, but I set boundaries and I will NEVER go on a vacation or live near him ever again
At this point I'm mostly fascinated by the way he acts and behaves around different peoples, and I feel mostly sorry for him, because the only people that can tolarate him is the people he pays, the rest he burns away...
I'm living with my parents again and damn I can't wait to leave again. At this point I'm just grey rocking the whole family cuz the dysfunction is too far ingrained in all of them. And it's so hard to get away from them
Same with my mom. I was about that age and had been a parent for a few years and started to see it. Also learning more about how she didn't parent me.... especially as a baby and toddler she let everyone else do the work. She became extremely toxic when I was a parent and lots of lies she told about my dad started to come to light. She caught herself in her own web. I even have one lie on video, and her basically malfunctioning after, scrambling to cover it up.
I was called a control freak when I attempt to discuss his excessive drinking and lack of participation in living a healthy life. The abuse intensified when I attempted to set boundaries. I finally realized nothing would change and got worse as I become more informed about the narcissistic traits I realized I had to get away from the dysfunction. I stayed way too long! 30 years! I am 70 years old. I am grateful I finally had the knowledge, health and resources to live the last years of my life in a peaceful happy environment. Don’t stay too long! It will always get worse! Planning and implementing getting away and living a peaceful life was very very difficult. Totally worth the effort.
@@turboqzma-Maybe, maybe not. Either way she’s better off separated. If he drank because of her, she did him a favor by leaving. Either way early recognition of failed relationship is important. If it has failed, dragging on is not helpful.
OMG, same age, 35 yrs. for me, and thank God, Thank God almighty I'm free at last, just don't look back except to remind yourself of who they really are, and I can give you a clue? it's not a Godly person..!!
So YOU decided what he should be doing and started laying out rules. No wonder he got frustrated and angered. I dare say you are a controlling type of person. It’s perfectly fine to communicate concern, but making rules? You can only set them for yourself. Your options don’t include changing someone. You may help, but if the other person doesn’t believe they have a problem, all that’s left to decide is to leave or stay.
Yeah, it's like "What best? I've never seen it" but if you say slightly being sly and smug, then it can present to a narcissist like a touche, A Narcissist requires a bit of finesse and to make it sound like they will be even more amazing than they already are, if you catch a narcissist with unexpected responses to their rants with a calm and unemotional tone, it makes them level out and be calm too, it helps though if you have the type of personality where the more angry you get the more calm you are. Maybe it takes a bit of a sarcastic sadistic person to be with a narcissist successfully, it would be interesting to research different personality types in a relationship with a narcissist.
@onidaaitsubasa4177 no, that would be a terrible thing to research. We need it to be a dating show on Netflix. The last episode of season two (which is always the last good episode) will just be a psychopath eating a covert narcissist. Directed by Sam Hyde.
@@onidaaitsubasa4177i do that. When they r ranting in my face, belittling, baiting etc I go deathly silent whilst imagining them meeting their demise. It does diffuse the spotfires Its a sibling sigh meow
I was having a conversation with her about how happiness is a choice and how some people will always be unhappy...no matter what happens around them...and that trying to make everybody happy is not my responsibility. She responded "but you are definitely responsible for making me unhappy"...and then proceeded to discount my actions/efforts/contributions to our last 20+ years together. A little bit of research led me to content like yours. Thank you. I've gone greyrock, am working on myself, and am learning that I no longer need to take the bait.
@brendarewan7441 nobody is responsible for another person's emotions. Maybe something they've done could make somebody unhappy, but that's easily explained in a healthy way, like "when you use slurs, it makes me uncomfortable".
'you did X' 'no I didn't' 'just admit to doing X' 'no' 'I know you didn't do it, just admit to it anyway' 'no' honestly the most surreal experience of my life. they really do live in an alternative world.
"“That’s just the way I am.” means person will not change the behavior or simply can not change it (because tried to do it many times without the result). Doesn't matter in what way it was said, you accept it or move on.
So why don't you accept them the way they are? How is it not narcissistic to not accept them the way they are but stick around and demand they change for YOU but then accuse them of being a narcissist? Pot meat kettle.
A big thing to look out for is whenever they run out of defenses theyll start to attack your character. By calling you crazy or saying you have bad memory, thats when you know you have them cornered and are onto them.
Or they will go after low hanging fruit from the past. I had that happen before. They were going off on me about my flaws and I shut them down and then they mentioned that I used to be a bad cook which had zero relevance to the topic we were discussing.
My husband & I have often been told by extended family, we're just trying to help you.... When we told them it felt like they were being very controlling. We've moved away which has been very helpful
"Not the way I remember things" That one hit home. Any time I would bring up how she said something to me it would immediately be met with "That's not what I said" or "I didn't say it like that" or "Well its because what you said sounded mean/snarky/etc" or my favorite "Well maybe you're hearing the east coast in me".
Because we *are* unique. Not to be rude, but generalising a personality disorder is abelist. Each person is different and someone's going to be abusive no matter what disorder they may have.
“…another phrase you might hear, or simply just feel…” So much of narc abuse is that feeling. That oppressive, smothering feeling that you can’t always put into words.
when I refuse to react they begin to pick to try to get me to give up energy. I stop in my tracks. Deflated I know what this dynamic is. They don't , and don't care. Move on. They'll "fire" themselves.
Well, you nailed it. Probably the most concise explanation of narcissistic behaviour I've ever seen in a video. Being raised by an older narcissistic sister, I can tell you first hand that the damage they cause can be utterly catastrophic.
When you ask a narcissist why he or she is treating you poorly and they say “I’m doing this because I love you”, “I’m trying to help you”, “I’m rooting for you, and “I want you to succeed”….run away!
@@annaspeaksout2964 it really would be nice if society provided more options for communal childcare and communal healing for adults in circumstances that are constantly affecting their mental health.
Yup, my mother is constantly yelling, screaming, shouting, and abusing me, and my father will sit ther and do nothing. I wil say something to defend myself and he will rage at me, get red in the face, or say "it does no good to fight back, it's only goign to be worse for you, etc, etc." I finally told him once that he should be defending me and that I don't appreciate her attacking me, and that he just sits there and is on her side, and he says "I'm doing this to help you" I look at him and say how the fk is this helping me?
That’s my parents exactly. Most everything is presented as them “just wanting to help” and “being worried about us”. I’ve taken to not sharing any real details of my life, as they barely listen and just waiting to jump on anything they can lecture me on, what the “correct” way of doing or thinking about something is. So I just say very superficial things, everything is wonderful type of conversation, hold on to my grey rock in my pocket and try to keep visits short. It helps a little.
I feel like a vail has been lifted from my eyes. I have been gaslighted for years by a narcissist. I'm glad that now I see the light and can get better and help. It took having a panic attack to realize the abuse that was going on.😢
"Blaming" somebody else for your anger isn't always a symptom of the narcissistic abuser. Most of the time it is, but some Narcissists like to provoke you until they get an angry response so that they can then point the finger and call you abusive. It's called Reactive Abuse and it existed in my last relationship...I would keep my cool all day while she kept piling on the insults, and then when I finally react in a verbally aggressive way and doing nothing more than pointing out how she's been giving me little digs the entire time we've been together and trying to sleep with my mates behind my back...suddenly I'm the one who's abusive! 🙄
Oh my gosh man I have the exact same experience. She was rarely overt with it though. Her insults were calm and on the slide. She would go so far as to say to our child, "your daddy is just useless." At any time I would bring that she said such things, she would immediately deny ever doing such a thing
Yep, I got that plenty of times! I finally learned to ignore the insults and realize that I control what I react to, so I stopped reacting the ways she wanted. I have also found this ability to help in other areas of life.
Theyre prof3ssional projectors.....and spoilers...and the list goes on. Im happy for you that your eyes are now open. Go give your love to someone who cares about u meow
Take this video with a grain of salt. Many of these phrases allegedly proving you are the narcissist are often used by the victims of narcissism defending themselves. Example: My narc son-in-law tried to accuse me of saying I hated him during a specific event where he wasn’t even present. He completely changed the narrative trying to place the blame on me, and him the victim, but I specifically remember what I did or did not say at that event. And so I have replied, “That’s not how I remember it” and I am not the narc!
That is why keeping text messages is a great way to show the narcissist what they said in case they did lie to you ❗❗It is also a great way to recognize the narcissistic traits. The love bombing phase via texting when you look back is 🤮 and when you have an argument about their behaviour and you will see how they immediately bring the conversation back to what you did wrong etc. In the beginning of the friendship I did not know anything about narcissism, but these text messages have learnt me so much about narcissistic behaviour!
The one Comment about inadvertently depriving self to please a narcissist really hit close to home for me. Lived it on and off my whole life with 2 parents who are narcissist and became an extremely giving, forgiving, kind, people pleasing, extremely strong empath, and consequently a narcissist magnet...
Im sorry for what you went through, I too grew up with 2 narcissistic parents so I can relate. It’s only now that I finally got fed up with it all and looking back, all my friends save for one were narcissistic aholes. Only caring for what you can give them but when it’s your turn to get help they fizzle away faster than you can blink.
This is really important information n very true once you “get out of the trap”! Out of the smoke and mirrors and once you understand it- see it- you can’t NOT see it- the confusion stops! You get it! 😊
Quickest way to spot a narcissist even before getting close to them, is try to find out if they participate in the house chores (while living with their family) a narcissist will never ever do it, they think its a low job, they leave it for someone else to do it, even if its their own mess or room, they dont mind seeing other people being burdened by cleaning it for them, because they believe that they are so special and deserve a special treatment, they will always add extra work for other ppl so they sit around and do nothing. Be ware folks of those who don't clean after themselves because they'll be looking for someone to do it for them, and if you're kind hearted and nice, they'll be picking you!
My mother-in-law is the opposite. She's ' spotless'. She's like that so no-one can ever say the nasty things about her cleanliness that she regularly says about them. She has a name for everyone yet never gets caught out. Such as "lazy bitch" "filthy bas****" . There's a running joke in our street that the shop never has any bleach or disinfectant left because she buys it all up. Everyone laughs but they'd probably belt her if they knew what she was saying about them.
I was married to a malignant narcissist for 28 years. Shortly before divorce, during yet another mind-twisting argument, he said "You should talk to me as you would talk to your God!" Meaning essentially I should speak to him in prayer with reverence. It took me years of research to finally figure out who and what I was dealing with because I couldn't understand why he would treat me and our children so much worse than total strangers. What worries me now is what this did to my kids. They are adults and wonderful - I adore them as people not just as my kids. One is terribly insecure and one is a perpetual "pleaser" - the thought that someone might not like her upsets her. That's what scares me and I want to figure out how to help them 'on the sly' so to speak because they are wonderful, they will say, "I'm fine Mom."
They need therapy, or maybe just a group activity learning about narcissistic tendencies/behaviour. Why not actually just research all the cluster b types, psychology and human behaviour, balancing oneself. There's a saying once you can see your own toxic traits, you can see them in others straight away. It is so damn true! It's a life saver, even more beneficial than physical help, i.e., karate, boxing, etc, as you see things way clearer before the need for contact. Just a little family learning and growing, you know 😉 maybe start off by telling them, ooh I've been learning this, listen to this...eventually they may see the benefits to knowing before you have to experience it to know it. Also added bonus you actually harness those teachings into yourself and life changes for the better. You can interact with all the crazy people and know what is your duty and what isn't. Allowing you the knowledge and the power to decide what and where to interact for your best interests. Good luck 👍 **when people hear that saying about toxic traits they only think of the negative but everything has a reflection selfishness-people pleaser. Inflated ego-inferiority complex. Player-insecure etc etc your positive toxic traits attract negative toxic traits. Healed, healthy people attract each other. They can also see the unhealed and the wounds they carry. This is why you/me (victim of toxic or dramatic relationships) continue to meet the same type of person. We think we're partnering up from positive connections but alot of us are actually connecting in the shadow self, so the toxic, negative side. Hope this helps, if you managed to survive the length 😂
In my overall experience,you have your power. They want theirs and yours. As soon as we realize who we are dealing with. We win. A game Narcissist's set up.One wins-one loses. Awareness wins. They set themselves up to lose. Then hate you for it!
Oh, I survived, Kicked him to the curb 12 years ago. Am happy and healthy. Weird thing is now, I get these random dreams where I'm experiencing his psychologically abusive behavior again or my kids are. And they are all grown up! Then I wake feeling raw and angry. Only happens once in a while but I need to figure out how to resolve those!@@kristyoblen7004
I brought my narc ex along on a uni night out. Me and my friend were at the bar getting the first round, when I felt someone grab my arse I turned around and saw my toxic ex behind me and me being drunk already, thought it was him, so I smiled. Next thing I knew he’d stormed out screaming that I’d cheated on him and was laughing about it. He’d witnessed someone else essentially SAing me but I was the bad guy?! Nasty piece of work. Was only in it for 2.5 years but I’m still unlearning the anxious attachment years later 🙈 trust your gut, you know when you’ve done nothing wrong. If they’re making you cry at nearly every interaction, you’re always better off alone.
Yes. I tried setting boundaries with him and he’d say “You want a yes man….all I’m hearing is a lot of “you” statements, it’s not all about you.” Etc! No matter WHAT he said or did, he was always the victim. He was the only one allowed to feel anger. The man I was with before this one wouldn’t talk at all…which is something I liked in the beginning about this last one…he WOULD talk. But it was circular crazy-making arguments with no resolution unless I shut down completely. Like I was to be seen and not heard. I had to be agreeable and supportive of him no matter what. The encounter that broke the camel’s back was he lied to me for 6 months about another woman “work friend” who I could tell something was off about. She seemed waaaay too close to be just a casual work friend. She crossed a line and I told him I don’t like it. He fought me so hard on it, including telling our couple’s therapist that I’m controlling and begging me to trust him more. Only to find out recently that she was in fact actively pursuing him and he was allowing it and entertaining her. I don’t need to know how far it went, just the fact he lied to me for so long and making me feel like I’m insecure was enough to end the relationship. And I should’ve ended it sooner. I spent 5 years basically trying to convince a man that I’m worthy of respect. Never again!
If you see my comment, my narc ex gf was much the same way. I guess standing up for myself and asking for explanations is attacking to a narcissist lol. She attacked my character plenty though.
"if you had stayed living at home, we were planning on buying you a car." I had moved into a boyfriend's house as soon as I turned 18. He became abusive. It took me 7 years to get out. This was said to me decades later, from my mom. This is the first time I realized that specific incident wasn't healthy.
If you see red flags, don’t ignore them; there is always someone safer to sleep with or have a relationship with. I spent an evening with a guy exhibiting narcissistic traits years ago. Even went back to his place after the date. I saw the red flags and ignored them until I realized the whole night made me feel so crappy about myself because I allowed him to treat me that way. I left that night crying in my car and thank goodness my 23 year old self had the good sense never to see him again and to not text him. I kind of wish I had reported him to Tinder before I deleted it, but at the time I felt I had nothing conclusive or damning enough.
I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm the dating world you can see allt of fake and openly mean people.... idk why they all seem this way and don't feel guilty for pursuing your desires.... they can and will make you feel bad during times of connection thats how you know who they are... they wouldn't be able to help themselves. Unfortunately there's alot of men walking around as open narcissist and thinking every woman is desperate for attention when we are just human and not doing anytjing wrong. I briefly dated one who was an author and activist. Thry are literally am opp of black society like basic hoodlum turned convict turned over a new fake leaf since natc life keeps putting em in a hole. Thy kept boasting about what they were doing and I realized everything they were bragging about hey were spying on me and then acting like they Been did what I was planning. They like to take but act like they not taking. They like to steal and act like they came up with things on their own but they steal from the kind person giving them attention. I understand this lifeis not easy... people go through things but I listen all the time. People think I don't pay attention or that what thy will do will work because I am always to myself. But I let them get real proud and brave disrespecting me. I never turned they other cheek to bullies. Three of them are monitoring my phone and Stalking my life but recently it has subsided. They try very hard to ruin my happiness and it's a constant thing... But having faith is what worked in putting these people in they sick and broken place.
My narc ex kept crushing on someone outside of the relationship and would call me controlling when I told her it made me uncomfortable. When I eventually broke up with her, she mentioned to my pets on her way out " Why did you have to ruin our little family?". Now her new thing is framing me as a bad person or mentally unstable to men on dating apps but continues to hoover and try to come to my house despite saying I'm terrible and "mean"?. In our years together I am the only one who has made any progress in life, it hurt a lot when she said those things.
This really helped a bit, hearing they will never admit the gaslighting was something i was finally ready to accept. They made up the most horrible lies and for as much as i tried i could never get them to admit the truth. Better for me to just accept that they have to live with what they did and move on. No truth will ever combat the lies. Trust me i tried. Good video, thanks for the help
The straw for me was the last time he lied right to my face about his 'friendship' with his ex after one of his friends told me they saw them out together and her touching and rubbing all over him. Waste of time. It's amazing how easily they can bold face lie while looking in your face. Mind boggling. No soul.
So true. My narc ex-gf's saying was oh he's just a friend. The first time this happened was jan 2023. We lived 1200 miles apart and i gave her the benefit of the doubt the first time in jan, but then because he lived 90 miles to the east of her he would stay at her house on the weekends then go home for work. Then as feb came along i knew what was happening. Then she'd have him back at her place off and on in march and then even in the middle of august. Then i did a 5 week no contact in sept because of her verbal abuse. i found out from her after i broke it in oct. that she had a new "friend". Well i knew what that meant and now he got to spend thanksgiving and this new years with her. One of the last texts she sent me said this "youre an abusive liar. I never abused her or lied to her. Ever. However i guess it was ok for her to do those to me.
Ur so funny with ur phrase (hope NOT:) ) WE SHOULD LISTEN TO VIDEO RATHER BE A FLYING BIRD IGNORE THE SURROUNDING AND ENJOY UR LIFE U ONLY LIVE ONCE AND BE SAFE .STAY BLESSED I UNDERSTAND CZ WENT THROUGH AND GOING THROUGH THE ABUSE BUT JUST PULL UR SELF OUT JUST LIKE A PLUG IN THE WALL SWITCHED OFF WITHOUT ELECTRICITY.
I've been in a toxic relationship since 11 years, I have 2 boys from her. When I started to point out things to my family for the toxicity in her, no one believed me and when she lashed out everyone sees what i've been telling them for a long time. My elter sister always took her side either its right or wrong because she was thinking that only I make all the choices in our relationship and once she witnessed the lashed out of my wife, she realizes what she is. My Wife never even apologized for the lashing out on her with no reason at all. Soo Narcissist can never apologize to anyone even if you provide them with proof that they are responsible for it. They never apologize, its their EGO goal.
"you can set a boundary with anyone, at any time" and it isn't wrong or bad, as long as it is a legitimate boundary. Always always make sure a consequence is something that limits your involvement with them. You might still want their acceptance...that isn't what is important if the other isn't able to respect you. In the past, I have tried to maintain closeness and have the consequence be something else. It has to limit your exposure to the unwanted behavior to work.
Actually yes. A trust Narcissist will try to wear you down. There is no solution but to limit access. But, you'll be known for being cold, etc. The real whiners of the group.
When I gave my narcissist friend a 2 weeks notice that I was moving out of his house, that is when he showed his true colors. The first week he tried to do everything in his power to keep me there. Saying I will never afford the rent, the electricity, the internet ect. And when that didn't work, he was so angry with me that he never lifted a finger to help me move out. He never even looked me in the eyes. Whenever he tries to call me or talk to me, I always remember those last 2 weeks. Never again!
They're so prone to getting bored with people and burning bridges that it's rare for them to have one person who's always by their side no matter what. - AMEN This is one of my favorite videos from this channel which I've watched several times just like my other favorite videos in this channel. Thank you!
I put up boundaries with my insanely narcissistic father and stepmom a year ago. My dad has flat out said, you better pull your head out of your ass or you're getting cut off, understand me sonny? Then laughs in my face when I tell him the reasons I've out these boundaries in place. He refuses to discuss how and why I've come to this reasoning so no contact is the only way.
Focus on yourself and what's good for you in the long term. Boundaries and goals friend, boring in the moment but in life it slowly materialises. Don't let anyone parents included ever define you or who you want to be.
18:25 "Not the way I remember things" really resonated with me. Once I realized what they did every time I tried to explain something or recall an event, i just stopped even trying. All I did was stop talking or just smile and nod along. It seemed like a good idea to avoid feeding into their narcisicm but now theyre accusing me of not caring or invalidating their opinions, still trying to figure out how to deal with that
If I didn't agree on an opinion I'd get shouted at" you're not listening to me!!" It shows how they absolutely cannot be wrong..So if you disagree it MUST mean that you're just not listening because if you were listening you'd have to agree.. I'd say " I AM listening..I just don't agree..Why can't we just agree to disagree on this one" OH NO! That won't do at all..Then comes the neverending relentless insistence and anger that will wear you down. If you're lucky you'll get days of the silent treatment ( probably during which they will be planning your punishment) and just telling him he was hurting me was viewed as an intolerable personal attack.. It's Impossible
My dad screamed at me to respect him because he is my father and to "let it go, like the song" when I held him accountable for a past misdeeds that related to the current misdeed. That's when I knew for sure and blocked him.
I was lucky in a way that many of our conversations was via DM online and I kept every single word he ever said to me due to his gaslighting. I would show him what he said and there was nothing he could refute. Because usually he would say, "I'm sorry that is the way you understood it; but I didn't say it like that." One time he even said to me, "You see, you say such stupid things" to which I said, "I am only repeating what you said to me an hour ago" and showed him the proof. Oh boy did he get mad.
“I don’t owe you any explanations” mannn made my blood boil when I heard that, my ex used to say that to me all the time…usually when I would catch him talking to another woman typically on social media!
I heard it all with my nex, gaslighting, hiding things and double standards are the way of how she lives, now when I look back at it. I'm 2 weeks no contact and never going back to that evil treatment.
The encounter that broke the camels back was when I showed her a list of criteria for emotional abuse, and in a rare moment for her, she actually agreed that she was emotionally abusive. She was quiet and distant for a couple of days, and then the abuse became much much worse and culminatedin a discard and divorce after 20 years of marriage and two children.
Life is different now. Much less stress and much more personal growth. Much less interaction with my kids, although they are emotionally close to me. The abusive games continue post-divorce. The need to control is relentless.
One 'fact" that really struck me and was painful was: "the bottom line is, you're not good enough for me, its a fact". This was at the end of months of dismissing and demeaning me. More fool me for tolerating it- no contact from me now...
It’s frustrating about being poked at and still apologizing for it, then to be still prodded at even after the apology, I am guilty of exploding. Its reactive after I’ve done everything I can to take accountability for my part and get told it’s my fault anyway
“You don’t get it, I don’t care that I hurt you” is one of the last texts my ‘best’ friend ever sent me. I thought I had a best friend for life. Instead, I am alone. No more full-proof narcissistic saying narcissistic than that, and she actually admitted it. At 18:12 you describe EXACTLY what I just went through a couple months ago. We knew each other for eight years. The first two years were glorious, we opened up to each other and made so much progress! And then suddenly I was discarded because of optics, I’m the ugly one…sarcastic tone: now we don’t want people think we are dating now do we? Ugggh Of course we weren’t dating. But that was an excuse to jump ship. I held on during the discard. I was devastated. She’s quite intelligent, cognitive empathy versus emotional empathy are two very different things. I watched her cultivate fresh Supply as she pushed me out of her life. Hurts like hell. But she doesn’t care if she hurt me. I stopped being her narcissist Supply and started speaking up having counterpoints to her conversation points rather than 18:15 just nodding in agreement or obedience. That was enough for her to find different supply. Proving how needy they are as other people validation. I’m slowly healing.
Thank you SO much for this content. ❤ I have been clawing my way through this quagmire in a deep fog; only now do I see the reality of it all... 🌟 & ❤ to all who relate to this at all... 🙏🙏🙏
That boundaries thing is very real. Just try telling the narcissist in your life to not eat your food and see how they act. They will throw a full-blown fit and become a victim. They will continually eat your food and play victim every time you call them out for it even though you've talked about it hundreds of times. They feel entitled to it and don't care.
"I was going to buy you a nice present for your 18th birthday but I changed my mind, cause you don't deserve it" "My words are the truth, there is only one truth and I'm speaking it" "You have a right to your opinion, but remember that your opinion doesn't matter, cause you don't matter" "I don't remember doing this to you" "Did I really hit you? I don't remember ever hitting you. But if I did, it's because you deserve it." Father.
I really feel like the narcissist now. I think I’ve been hurt so many times I am becoming more like him. I’m going back to therapy. I need to make sure these behaviors and trauma heals. I am at the point of complete confusion again. Is he one? Am I one? Why is everyone around me telling me he is the victim, even my own sister (currently an addict). Maybe that’s why she turned. I just feel so sad and lonely and currently getting the silent treatment. Thanks for reading. These videos are helping me. I just don’t know where I’m actually wrong and need to change or if I’m being narc’d to death. Also the love and than hate is so bad to go through. Just feeling so loved and cared for and then hopeful again and then boom I make a mistake or cry or like today woke up sick and having an anxiety attack and now he’s gone. Like he died. 😢 ❤ to you all out there. May you find peace and comfort.
Once I spotted the template, I realised that my son's mother is a covert too. How I missed the the 3 month rugpulll? Anyway the first was 27 years ago and it allows me to see the recent covert's future. Endless chaos but decreased power as her looks faded. It doesn't matter by the time you see it, but it allows you to see that you have dodged a bullet, grenade, rpg, and a 1000lb bomb.
I confronted my aunt over triangulating me against people when my abusive mother died. I think the whole reason she did that is because she once attempted to give out my address to my mom (without asking me), and I kind of laughed and said I'd disown her if tried something like that. She became enraged. She used my mother's death to project her anger onto me by labelling me a very angry person, and she told me everyone thought I was angry. When I confronted her over her triangulation and asked her to hold space for me she accused me of causing drama, and swore up and down she never talked to anyone. When I stated her comments gave me a different impression and seemed disingenuous she went into a rage. She called me pathetic, crazy, dramatic, and toxic. She then tried to flip it around on me and accused me of verbally attacking her and claimed that she had no idea where my mother lived, and knew nothing about her life. That woman talked shit like she knew everything about my mom. You don't say you were going to drop my address without asking me, and then act like you knew nothing. If your handing out my address like that you're doing it with intention. My aunt then accused me of playing victim, then literally started accusing me of victimizing her, and harassing her. It's like she took on the role of whatever she was accusing me of. It was ridiculous, and laughably predictable. It was like she was naming the wrongs she committed against me, and then flipping it around so she could claim victim. In my mother's death I figured out my mom wasn't the only toxic one. They played literally played the same games she did and were shocked I had developed boundaries. It felt like they were trying to tear me down and destroy me.
@penijoni1316 same here except my mom is turning 87 and still causing trouble, along w my youngest brother who is also a narc. Brutal ppl. Take care of yourself ❤
Sometimes when I listen to these videos, I feel like you are talking about members of my family! You describe the behavior EXACTLY! It's as if you know them personally!
Definitely double standards! I paid enough! Word of advice.. Ladies, when getting out of the car.. instead of slamming the door.. leave it open and just walk away!! ( leave their head spin..😏) If they try to come back, Don’t answer that phone or open the door!!! 💪🏼
I've had an argument with a narcissist where they exepted that it was subjective and an opinion but that their answer is correct and all others are wrong.
ii found this out too late after a narcissist/sociopath snapped my flip phone in half and also tried to destroy landline phones, but apparently, destroying someone's personal items is considered ASSAULT and ii'm not sure what the crime is called, but interfering with someone's communication ie destroying their phone, is also a separate crime. i wish i'd called the cops and had the person charged when that happened to me. hopefully this helps someone else. leaving you with no ability to call for help, maybe obstructing justice, not sure. but destroying property is assault.
The narcissist didn’t like the word boundary when I tried to explain the use of them which just shows how insecure they were and the fact that they didn’t want me to have any.
They certainly do have a healthy supply of go-to phrases to trot out when needed but in my experience one of their favourite "phrases" isn't exactly a verbal phrase but a particular noise like a sigh or some kind of weird facial expression which is presumably meant to *imply* one of their go-to phrases within the context of the interaction. This is equally infuriating because they're forcing you to fill in the blanks for them whilst maintaining plausible deniability... THEN if they're feeling generous/confident they might treat you to an actual verbal phrase or two!
When I realized what my wife was, my therapist taught me to "gray rock" and it saved me. She left quietly and easily thinking it was her idea to go. I even helped her leave. The divorce was amicable with her thinking she was moving on to much better things. I immediately went no contact with her after the divorce was finalized to avoid hoovering. I felt bad for manipulating her, but I got out of a toxic marriage pretty cheaply considering what I have heard other men go through. Gray rocking for anyone who doesn't know is simply making yourself as unreactive, boring, and unappealing as possible and making the narcissist feel like they could do sooooooo much better than you. They leave because they want to and usually without a lot of fuss.
I did this and it worked within one conversation. 7 years of back and forth toxicity and after one counseling session this technique was shared. I implemented that day and he even helped me move out 😄
The breaking phrase for me was when she replied "its not about We, its about how You hurt Me" when I tried to explain how I wanted to respect her boundaries, but that I needed her help to understand what they actually were. She refused tell me them, assumed I knew them and then treat me like I'm an asshole when I crossed them. Even when I hadn't been in contact with her for weeks Because I didnt think of her as a narcissist at the time, I relented and accepted her laundry list of demands to prove to her that I was trustworthy. As soon as I didn't do it perfectly, she stonewalled me, triangulated with third parties and got me exiled from a friend group I invited her into with a truly brilliant double bind: "I told you you're actively choosing to make me uncomfortable (untrue, I literally had no idea anything was wrong until it became a crisis, at which point I immediately owned my mistakes and apologized unconditionally), and you insist on changing the narrative (changing the narrative = sharing my perspective) instead of working on yourself (in last previous conversation I got chewed out for coming back after voluntarily taking apart to work on myself because she wanted space too but never bothered mentioning that)" About two weeks out from the final lockout. Its pretty telling that while I'm alone, I've missed her and have been flooded with thoughts of what I couldve done differently, in person even just incidentally passing her by sends my body fuming. Just gotta stay disengaged and move on...
@@David-u5w2r Well, I don't anymore lol, she and I are officially no longer friends. This was the first time this came up, so I was playing catch up for most of it
3:56 I’ve come to accept that access to me is a privilege to where my character and work experience is always in question or not as great as it is compared to my other siblings. I asked a simple question during this past Thanksgiving and was not only dismissed but suddenly not invited to my own brother’s wedding. I’ve placed boundaries over the years on communication and visits since 2018 with no success. Now I’ve decided to have no contact with my narcissistic family. I’ve change my phone and legal name to remove their access to me and start 2024 as a new person without them.
In less than 4 years it went from (and yes, using her actual words here): “I love you. Thank you for being so supportive and understanding. For being uplifting in every situation, for not just me, but for others as well. It’s incredibly humble and admirable. For your contagious positivity, your honesty and your wonderful soul. I am very lucky to simply know you and have you in my life, never mind being able to call you mine. You’re a good person with a beautiful, kind heart and soul. I’m truly grateful to be yours. ❤️” to “Your behavior was a tad unacceptable. I shouldn't respond to this but I will because I'm civil and a good person. Attacking someone whenever you greet them is no way to treat anyone. Even someone you dislike. I only forgive because that's who I am. But as you know, I never forget. Things didn't even end badly between us so there is no reason to be aggressive with me, or to me to you. Your behavior after the fact is what's causing me to run so far away from every where you are.” And I definitely got “It’s none of your business” and alibis etc. Definitely entitled to know everything about me, but post relationship I found out how very little I knew about her. Not to mention attacking my character and reversing herself, I went from honest to a liar, even though she flat out lied about why she ended the relationship (she had her ex bf from 15-16 years ago who has money and comes from money lined up).
That whole "whatever I say is fact" bullshit was something he loved to pull when he got into an argument. Kept insisting that he was always in the right, whether assumed factually, or that everyone around him agreed with him, even when his research ended up amounting to skimming through a wikipedia article, or literally everyone around him disagreed with his shitty opinion.
So important content, thx! Just came out by myself from a relationship with all the mentioned behaviors! So for sure i‘m far away from perfect too, but i‘m not 16y old anymore (i‘m 41). As son as we fixed everything, jobs, new apartement, booked a long travel together everything turned in one day! She never talked about her feelings. Extreme mood rollercoasters. Then she insulted me in the worst possible way, attacked me physically when i said to her that she is not 16 anymore and should stop play the victim and focusing on what we have (not only on what she(!) dont have) and how lucky we are! No emotion control at all. For sure i said thats a no go for me and my values (respect!) so she blamed me for cutting her off bcs she said sorry but i never appologized to her! She never insuted me but i always abused her over the years, crazy 100% projection from her behaviors on me! She did it so freaking „perfect“ that i started to ask myself whats true and whats not! Im really lucky to have good friends who i talked too who reminded me that she said and did and that it was NOT me!! With help from friends plus a psychologist i got my head straight, found my values again and could walk away! But honestly; i have still bad conscience sometimes in my head bcs now im the bad guy with her 180degrees projecting story she isctelling her mom and my people wo reacv out to me with the informations. Just this Kindergarden stuff where still goes on its still sooooo exausting!! My advice; Get professional help! NOTES for yourself that you dont loose your version of all this 700million discussions, Kindergarden behavior and remembdr how it really is/was! They are masters in turning your head and mind! Im on my way to bevthe happy person again like i was before and who i doesent was the last couple of months! Merry X-Mas to everyone! And never forget; „EVERYONE deserves to be happy“!!
Yes, it’s a form of brain washing!! And then they sense when you have had enough and they dig in deep, try everything to get you to stay. He was so thoughtful, kind, respectful, funny, wanted to spend time with me, he adored me, and wanted to spend time with me, and I was so happy. I was not a priority in my previous and only relationship. He took me for granted, would rather hang out with his friends and party than spend time with me, would be several hours late for our dates often. So when a man started treating me so well, I felt right into his love bomb head first. :( It was a long distance relationship. Though we video chatted for hours, a few times a week, and constantly emailed back and forth, I thought I knew him so well, but he was able to hide his true self from me. He had become the man he knew I was looking for, who I had waited nearly 6 years for - someone with virtue who valued God, and would love me as I deserved to be loved. (I had been single for years, not willing to settle.) I felt something was a bit off the first time we spent 4 days together in person, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. It felt so nice to belong to someone, in a relationship sense, to have someone looking out for me, to hold hands, and feel safe. But the next time we spent time together, things were great, but then I started seeing a whole other side. He would get explosively angry, scary angry. He didn’t hurt me, but he would slam things, nearly broke the window of my passenger side door after slamming it shut so hard - because I wanted him to sleep at my brother’s house and not mine - we were engaged and not married. I didn’t want to have sex outside of wedlock, wanted to save it for a beautiful gift in marriage, and when I met him he was 100% on board with this… at least that is what he told me. He started becoming sexually abusive, I didn’t realize this at the time, because my head was all messed up. I gave in and would cry afterwards, and he would yell at me. He later admitted that he did everything he could to make sure I gave in because he thought it was time for us to engage in all that. :( I knew he didn’t love me. I was afraid to break up with him though, afraid of what he may do. I was so ashamed and was afraid to reach out and tell people what was happening. I was afraid to be alone with him. When he went back home, I was relieved. He had told me two things that had me all upset - 1) If I ever upset him, he wouldn’t be able to sleep and wouldn’t be rested, and would be all upset at work, and could fall from the power line he was working on as it’s a very dangerous job. (I already knew he was emotionally unstable by this point, and couldn’t control his anger at times) The second thing - he once told me out of the blue “Once we are married, if you ever cheat on me, and we have children, I will make sure you never see them again!” And it was out of the blue… I was angry, as I felt it was an attack on my character, I had given him no reason to think I was unfaithful, and told him that if he thought I was a cheater, and doesn’t know me by now, we probably shouldn’t be getting married. And went on to tell him, don’t you think doing something like that would greatly hurt the children to rip them away from the other parent, even if that parent was making a bad choice?! This did not set well with me at all that he would make such a threat… but I didn’t entertain it because I knew I wasn’t a cheater. He went back home, and I was trying to figure out how I would breaking things off safely. I was afraid of hurting him, and him reacting badly and getting hurt himself or a part of me worried if he would become enraged with me. In the mean time, I found out I was pregnant and was all out of sorts with it. I was trying to figure out how to tell him, I also hadn’t seen the bigger picture about how abusive this man really was… he still was emotionally manipulating me. We were on a video chat and he started, out of the blue, he asked me why I was acting different and then started accusing me of cheating on him!!! (Looking back, he was likely cheating on me and accusing me!) This absolutely freaked me out because I already knew what he threatened to do if I ever cheated on him, and even thought I wasn’t, in his mind I was! I stopped talking to him cold turkey. I knew if I did anything else, he would emotionally manipulate me or he would hurt himself, or possibly come after me, not in a good way. I went through pregnancy and labor and delivery alone. I knew that my child was innocent of all this and she had value, I couldn’t hurt her (abortion), she was still precious and deserved her best chance - regardless of what other may think of me or say of me being a single mother raise her on my own. (And there were some dandy rumors spread, during my pregnancy, lol… but she is more than worth it!) I did start to question my fears, as time went on, and downplayed the whole situation… went against my heart and soul/better judgement, and the advice of my priest…, had a lot of pressure from people to tell him, saying he had a right to know… and I knew he did, but I was afraid. I told him and he was wonderful at first, invited us to visit so his family could meet her, and once we were on his turf, it quickly became a very dangerous situation. He started acting so unstable, at one point he tried to kidnap the baby and I stood strong to protect her, he threatened to hurt me - wasn’t in his right mind, I seriously thought he was going to hurt me bad but I had to protect her… I didn’t care what he did to me… people came out of a business and I started screaming for help and he ran, before that he threatened to hurt me very badly and I seriously think he was going to kill me - tried to stay as calm as I could, he was crying and sobbing one moment acussing me of cheating on him, the next he was punching the steering wheel and scream how angry he was with me and I prayed for my guardian Angel to come to my assistance, and other cars appeared at the end of the dark desolate road, so we weren’t alone with no witnesses... I wrote an emergency email to a close friend and told her he was acting very irrational, if we didn’t make it back home, this is why… I didn’t know if we would make it out safely. There is more that happened. His family was wonderful, they didn’t like his behavior and were scared of how he was acting, and but they allowed it… they walked on egg shells around him, but helped us get back ok. (Turns out he was using drugs the whole time, and he had always talked a big talk about being anti-drugs) The baby was never the same though, after our visit. She had been emotionally traumatized - which I didn’t know babies could be because they are just learning about their surroundings. She had been very happy and calm, slept through the night, self soothed by sucking her thumb, but after visiting, her entire demeanor changed and she started have night terrors, slept only 15-30mins at a time, was constantly waking crying… the only thing that would sooth her to sleep was me nursing her, and she had to have a clump of my hair clenched in her hand… it’s as if she knew he tried to take her from me, and she didn’t want to let me go. This went on for a year. I did not have a single night’s rest, was chronically sleep deprived. But we survived. He was blowing up my phone, email, accusing me of all sorts of stuff, cheating kidnapping. Called the police and sent them to my house multiple time, saying I kidnapped his baby. I cried every night, I was afraid to sleep too, afraid he would come for us in the middle of the night and hurt us. It was horrible - the most difficult time of my life. He eventually left us alone. I lived in fear for a good 5 years though. I haven’t spoken to him in almost 10yrs now, but I still get scared some times. I could never date because I didn’t want to put someone else in danger incase he came after me, and then I started getting scared of men being honest with me… what if they turned out to be liars and mislead me… if they lived in the same city or near by, what if I couldn’t get away again. I know it’s not fair to judge others based on how someone else as treated you, but I was afraid I would be mislead again. I had to protect my children. It’s been lonely, but I’ve been busy caring for my mom (who had a stroke a few month after we returned and the baby was experiencing her sleep disorder) and working, and now helping at my daughter’s school. I would like to be married, I had always wanted a big family…. It will just take the right man who can make me feel safe again and I know would not want to hurt me or any of our children.
And I mourn the person I truly thought he was… if only he was who he led me to believe, we would have had a beautiful marriage and family - possibly 5 children by now! :( Life would have been good. Instead, it was all a lie. I never thought anything like this would ever happen to me… I never would have treated someone so badly! Nor mislead anyone…
They truly try to drive you crazy with gaslighting and projection. Writing everything down as it happens if possible or at least as soon as you can helps.
Boy you hit the nail on the head with this video. My father, mother, and son were all narcissists and I’m an Empath so I’m sure you can see how many years of abuse I’ve had to deal with. The thing is I am devoted to my family. I took care of my father and mother when they were sick and dying of cancer. Now it’s just my son an I and I’m not well and need help but instead of helping me my son threatens to abandon me if I don’t do what he says and take all of his abuse. He also expects me to keep taking care of him. As an Empath I feel the need to help others but now that I’m the one that needs help no one is around to help me. All of my other family is deceased so I have no one except my son.
My parents were like this to me, and taught my siblings how to treat me also. I was the scapegoat in my family. So much so I was disowned financially by my mom.
@@lucyt-c8092easier said than done. My ex and my family managed to cripple me financially so trying my hardest to rebuild while dealing with chronic physical health issues and the mental health issues. It's taking a while. I'm fighting really hard rn to get some footing.
I have been gaslighting my narcistic gf ! By showing her a lot of love and then ignoring her completely ! It sure makes me happy to play in her owm field 😂😂 ! Thank god am out of her hook ❤❤ stay strong guys
The only sad thing about this video is that there are Cluster-B personality types watching this videos specifically to learn how to be a more stealthy narcissist.
You explained so well what I have experienced with my ex. She was autist as well. One cannot treat autism as a free pass. Double standard. Pick and choose. Smear campaign. Gaslighting. Entitlement. Lies. Lies. Victim. I developed a stomach problem after so much stress and anxiety. Thanks for sharing.
I used to be engaged to a guy who said that he is the only person in the world who can tolerate me and any other guy would rather abuse or abandon me. I started to believe it and couldn’t break up with him because of fear of ending up alone. But then I got to the point that I would rather stay single my entire life than spend it with him, so I broke up with him. But this relationship really took a tool on my self worth and I believed that I am nobody and deserve the worst. However, I met a beautiful gentleman who helped me heal those wounds and we have been happily married for over a decade
How about the phrase, "I'm sorry you feel that way!"? I get that from my mother when trying to express I'm upset and not ok with something. I see it as invalidating and gaslighting.
The "none of your business" bit is also used to create doubt or mystery around probably innocuous things. Sometimes it takes the form of simply ignoring the question, suggesting that your question is not worthy of a response.
"You don't need to get distracted, he was my work boss. It's got nothing to do with anybody" Erm, *what's* got nothing to do with anybody?! The intentional ambiguity in speech is calculated.
Thank you, I feel so much more understood and calmed down with your lovely voice even though I have watched already a lot of narc videos. Effects of gaslight make me feel like I'm the wrong one and such vids remind me I'm not
What broke the camel's back?.......realizing that she did everything that all the videos on you tube says about the way that a narcissist behaves. I do mean EVERY BEHAVIOR DESCRIBED!!
Gonna admit I thought it was gonna be a frag listening to a long explanation. But it went so fast because it was clear and exactly the experience I've been through.....
*Think you may have had a relationship with a narcissist?* Download the FREE checklist to see how your experience stacks up to the phases of narcissistic abuse: www.commonego.com/checklist
Remember if you don't take any bullshit and refuse to be manipulated, triangulated and gaslighted, it doesn't make you a narcissist or a bad person.
Narcisists usually run away. If you don't submit to bullshit.
They start the smear campaign.
This random stranger REALLY appreciates your comment.
and abusive perpetrating family members yeh - had this experience when I confronted abusive brother with the truth and he literally, physically ran away' with @@vitkomusic6624
Agreed. However it did make my narcissistic former colleague and friend project all of her insecurities on me. Literally everything she accused me of doing when I stood firm on my boundaries, exhibited that the word no is a complete sentence and held her accountable for her absolutely troubling boundary trampling behavior, she accused me of doing everything she was doing. You know the whole circular talk thing. Little did I know, what I took her to tasks on everything and let her think that I knew more than she thought I did and had her thinking that everyone was talking about her, I used her own gas lighting and emotional manipulation tactics against her. I thoroughly terrified her into turning into a ghost. She left me alone and I eventually used the silence and mental vacation to go fully no-contact
When I pointed out her hypocrisy in criticizing my behaviors while she was exhibiting those exact behaviors, she literally said “My issues are just part of my personality. Your issues are _moral_ issues.” That was a turning point for ME. We’ve been married for over 20 years. It took me that long to start seeing reality, but I’m on a much healthier path now.
Absolutely true, exact same thing with me...I'd be constantly baffled by witnessing her actions and behaviors projected onto me, and yes, being accused of those actions while she was exhibiting them!
The hypocrisy is so real. I was with mine for 26 years. I knew there was something off about her but I could never put it all together.
Unfortunately my dad like that 😏 and mother gives me the silence treatment. My dad uses the phrase I was born this way this was part of my personality.
So spot on. My version was, "you just want me to be exactly like you. If you wanted someone who would see your perspective, you should have married someone else."
Same here!!
1. I was gonna be nice, but now you don't deserve it
2. You're the one trying to control me.
3. Agree with my opinions because they're fact, and if you don't agree you're not intelligent.
4. I don't care what you or anyone else thinks.
5. My personal life is private. I don't owe you an explanation.
6. It's your fault I get so angry. You provoke me.
7. Stop judging everything I do. You're so critical of me.
8. It's fine when I do that, but you're not allowed. Essentially, do as I say and not as I do.
9. That's not the way I remember things at all.
You're welcome ❤
Thank you so much!!!❤
Quotes: You ruined everything... I don't care...I've done everything to you and you don't appreciate it...I just live life but you won't let things go...You only think about yourself...We are dating, and I don't owe you an explanation...You are too sensitive...I don't feel the need to respond to every message. ( no response to my sincere message)....
You are embarrassing me.
It's so crazy how spot on this is to what I went through. How are they all the exact same? How does their childhood lead each of the narcs to the same tactics and behaviors when the disorder comes from situational environments? I can't wrap my head around it all. 😢
Plan secretly and run! Never let the toxic person know beforehand. Be safe.
This is what I did almost 8 years ago and couldn't be happier!
Just did this 2 days ago 😮💨
There's an old saying, if you want to fight the devil don't let him know you're coming
yes. moved to a different state without telling anyone 🎉
I did this today
After one of my aunt's wake, my mother raged at my other aunt for not including her more in activities. Amongst awful accusations she asked, "why do you guys hate me so much?" To which my aunt replied, "I don't know, maybe it has to do with you sleeping with our boyfriends and husband."
She was also planning on sleeping with an old crush during that trip, while her own husband was back at home working. Her retort when confronted was, "Its not my fault. My mother made me this way." And then she got indignant for being "disrespected".
These people have no shame and are disgusting.
Your mom is a w____. Tell her that. She will go no contact after but she should know what she is.
*_My mother made me this way_*
Wow.
I can relate. I have a sibling who is the same.
Yeah mum may have treated them a certain way, but ultimately they are responsible for their own behaviour and they should actually know better and act accordingly
Sadly it’s too easy when they can blame a dead person for their own shortcomings, play victim and seek the sympathy
Despicable, Reprehensible and have No Moral Compass
They don't care about appearing pathetic to the people around them
These demons have walked amongst us since time out of mind. It is not new.
For the emotionally secure person we have an old saying; "your actions speak so loud I can't hear a word you are saying." Narcissists believe we are manipulating over boundaries because when they do it they are manipulating. I was raised with narcissists and they commonly accused me of things they were doing and I was not.
They project things on us that THEY are doing. It's called Projection. It is a defense mechanism.
😂it's not even subtle
totallt qgree
Yeah it’s insane. It’s like they’re a different species
Yeah projection is a big part of it, they complain about people doing the very things they do. I also noticed whenever I tried to shine light on things they do to get them to change all it did was when we were around other people they would try n accuse me of the things I tried to educate them about. They would have never been able to come up wit those things had I not told them about them. I jus stopped trying because what I realized was they weren't even trying to convince me of anything, they were really jus trying to keep the lie up to themselves. You can literally stop arguing and they'll continue on basically arguing wit themselves.
When my ex narc told me that “I am toxic” I became toxic because of his infidelity 😢 Learn to walk away if your partner cheats! Note to myself too
That's not an excuse to be toxic. You either forgive or you leave them you don't become toxic there's never a reason to do that
My ex called me toxic because I called her out on a lie. She told me she couldn't get pregnant because she had the surgery. Once we broke up, she dated another guy and got pregnant. When I confronted her I said " you told me you couldn't get pregnant. Her response " I said I had the surgery, I NEVER said I couldn't get pregnant. I'm glad I RAN from her when I did. 😅
They always blame you for your reaction to their behavior.
You were probably hurt and fed up - never stay with someone who disrespects you. Don’t betray yourself ❤️ lessons we have to learn.
The thing I hate about some of these phrases that narcissists use is that they make you say things that the narcissists say. How many times have we wanted to point out the narcissists hypocritical behavior, or point out how the way we are feeling and responding is a direct response to their actions that were inappropriate? It's so insidious because you end up doing and saying things that narcissists say, which if they are well read and intelligent on the topic, can turn it right back around on you to make it sound like you are the narcissist. They are expert level gas lighters. They will lie and say that you are committing the behaviors that they routinely commit, just because of these phrases.
If you think about a bully coming up and starting a fight with you, anything you do to fight back to defend yourself, will look exactly like what they are doing. Out of context, your behavior might look exactly like theirs. Think about the 'Stand your ground' law. At one snapshot of the encounter, the defender looks like a murderer. But they're innocent. This is how they all work. They shove you, wait for a reaction of defense, then take a snapshot of that moment as if it's the only thing that happened, rather than the truth which is you were defending yourself from them.
I've learned to never react if at all possible, because that's what they want more than anything. They bait us.
Ha. I went through this. OMG what I did was hilarious.
She was pissed over something. Started blah blahing on me.
WITHOUT speaking or making eye contact, I pulled an uno reverse card out of my wallet and slapped it on the table. Never looked at her. The resulting explosion of sound was impressive. Lol.
Get rekt, bitch.
Yes, that’s also how they are so good at the smear campaign. Who is more believable? The charming narcissist with a carefully curated presentation or you, the “crazy” target who has been driven off the edge?
@@SilentThundersnowoh my gosh/ sometimes you can’t even get away clean by not reacting… the more they walk all over you if someone noticed, it’s still your fault for being victimized because you never enforced a boundary. It looks like you’re letting go then walk all over you even if all you did was observe their behavior. I guess that’s why the only answer is to get away from them. Even if you kinda can’t without hardship and difficulty.
Spot on
“I don’t owe you any explanations” that was the one he used all the time.
Yeah, I heard that one anytime when I cornered her on " lies by omission"....or she would say...." why does it matter, it was 10 years ago"?
When they behave hateful towards you but blame you for their behavior is a total red flag.
I had a lucky escape. I totally fell for the love bombing but set boundaries from the start and stuck to them. After 4months the devaluation started happening. I just ignored her. Said I understood and continued to set boundaries every time she disrespected me. She then dumped me via text because I suggested that moving forwards our relationship needed to look different- more equal. Made some ridiculous claims that I was being emotionally demanding 😅 I said "sorry you feel that way, the door is always open if and when you're ready for a mutually respectful relationship" she tried several times to hook me back in, but i was conveniently busy, which was met with silent treatment. It's so important to get to know someone properly before sleeping with them
What boundaries did you have!??
So true
Sorry you feel that way is NOT an apology and dismissive!
You can write them a whole page letter. In the very middle you say one challenging thing. Later that's the only thing they'll recall.
I noticed this empathetic and carefully worded texts I’d send. I could have a novel about finding out I have terminal cancer, and if I put a line such ‘Please listen to my concerns and excuse my unavailability during this time’ and she’d go nuclear.
lol and even if you didn’t say anything they could attack, they make something up. 🫠
Omgg my ex did this but the time it stood out most was after a fight I had with him. I vented to my "friend" about it, and it evolved into a fight between the two of us, which she ended by saying "I'm leaving this conversation because it's not healthy for me". I replied, "you sound just like [then bf's name]". I heard from my then bf the next day that she was crying, saying she couldn't breathe, to him, and he told me she sent "all the screenshots about what I said about him". Turns out she sent screenshots about the fight between the two of us, not what I said about my then bf. But, the only part he cared about was when I said at the very end "you sound just like [bf]".
Pro tip, this is how you find what challenges them so you can piss them off with it later. lol
@insoporous9978 I always found that the only way to punish an asshole is to stand there and talk to them like they're your friend. You can watch them sit there and think that you're such a dumbass that you don't even realize they hate your guts.
I was 33 years old when I finally understood how bad of a narcissist my father is... which is kind of crazy. It took a vacation with him to relive my childhood, and when I did it finally dawned on me... I tolerate him for short periods now, but I set boundaries and I will NEVER go on a vacation or live near him ever again
At this point I'm mostly fascinated by the way he acts and behaves around different peoples, and I feel mostly sorry for him, because the only people that can tolarate him is the people he pays, the rest he burns away...
I'm living with my parents again and damn I can't wait to leave again. At this point I'm just grey rocking the whole family cuz the dysfunction is too far ingrained in all of them. And it's so hard to get away from them
Same with my mom. I was about that age and had been a parent for a few years and started to see it. Also learning more about how she didn't parent me.... especially as a baby and toddler she let everyone else do the work. She became extremely toxic when I was a parent and lots of lies she told about my dad started to come to light. She caught herself in her own web. I even have one lie on video, and her basically malfunctioning after, scrambling to cover it up.
I was called a control freak when I attempt to discuss his excessive drinking and lack of participation in living a healthy life. The abuse intensified when I attempted to set boundaries. I finally realized nothing would change and got worse as I become more informed about the narcissistic traits I realized I had to get away from the dysfunction.
I stayed way too long! 30 years! I am 70 years old. I am grateful I finally had the knowledge, health and resources to live the last years of my life in a peaceful happy environment.
Don’t stay too long! It will always get worse! Planning and implementing getting away and living a peaceful life was very very difficult. Totally worth the effort.
He drank a lot because he lived with you.
@@turboqzma-Maybe, maybe not. Either way she’s better off separated. If he drank because of her, she did him a favor by leaving. Either way early recognition of failed relationship is important. If it has failed, dragging on is not helpful.
OMG, same age, 35 yrs. for me, and thank God, Thank God almighty I'm free at last, just don't look back except to remind yourself of who they really are, and I can give you a clue? it's not a Godly person..!!
@@turboqzmain laws attack💀
So YOU decided what he should be doing and started laying out rules. No wonder he got frustrated and angered.
I dare say you are a controlling type of person. It’s perfectly fine to communicate concern, but making rules? You can only set them for yourself. Your options don’t include changing someone. You may help, but if the other person doesn’t believe they have a problem, all that’s left to decide is to leave or stay.
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best!”
But then they never had a "best"!
Yeah, it's like "What best? I've never seen it" but if you say slightly being sly and smug, then it can present to a narcissist like a touche, A Narcissist requires a bit of finesse and to make it sound like they will be even more amazing than they already are, if you catch a narcissist with unexpected responses to their rants with a calm and unemotional tone, it makes them level out and be calm too, it helps though if you have the type of personality where the more angry you get the more calm you are. Maybe it takes a bit of a sarcastic sadistic person to be with a narcissist successfully, it would be interesting to research different personality types in a relationship with a narcissist.
@onidaaitsubasa4177 no, that would be a terrible thing to research. We need it to be a dating show on Netflix. The last episode of season two (which is always the last good episode) will just be a psychopath eating a covert narcissist. Directed by Sam Hyde.
@@onidaaitsubasa4177i do that. When they r ranting in my face, belittling, baiting etc I go deathly silent whilst imagining them meeting their demise.
It does diffuse the spotfires
Its a sibling sigh meow
Well I sure don't deserve your worst, so I probably can't handle your best either.
I was having a conversation with her about how happiness is a choice and how some people will always be unhappy...no matter what happens around them...and that trying to make everybody happy is not my responsibility.
She responded "but you are definitely responsible for making me unhappy"...and then proceeded to discount my actions/efforts/contributions to our last 20+ years together.
A little bit of research led me to content like yours. Thank you. I've gone greyrock, am working on myself, and am learning that I no longer need to take the bait.
You were trying to tell her something but did you even hear when she tried to tell YOU something as well?
I did. Loud and clear. She deserves to be happy...and it's ok if I'm not the guy that can do that.
@brendarewan7441 nobody is responsible for another person's emotions. Maybe something they've done could make somebody unhappy, but that's easily explained in a healthy way, like "when you use slurs, it makes me uncomfortable".
'access to you is a priviledge' - absolutely - boundaries are a girl's best friend
Perhaps your "best friend" will feed your cats.
@@spud_thewonderdog01well aren't you a catch! I expect you're just a lovely friend yourself.
And a dudes
Important to everyone. Regardless of sex. But yeah
'you did X' 'no I didn't' 'just admit to doing X' 'no' 'I know you didn't do it, just admit to it anyway' 'no' honestly the most surreal experience of my life. they really do live in an alternative world.
yep
At this point all you can do is walk away, then you just admitted it as truth in their mind
Yassss
😔 I can’t understand
they did it to me, at least they tried. several times
Right on point. With a narcissist gambler for 27 years. Finally free and rebuilding myself from ground up now.
“That’s just the way I am.” And it’s said in a way that makes it clear that you better just accept it.
"“That’s just the way I am.” means person will not change the behavior or simply can not change it (because tried to do it many times without the result). Doesn't matter in what way it was said, you accept it or move on.
For real.
So why don't you accept them the way they are? How is it not narcissistic to not accept them the way they are but stick around and demand they change for YOU but then accuse them of being a narcissist?
Pot meat kettle.
And then they make you feel bad because if you love them, then why would you want them to change?
Why would you be with someone you don't accept in the first place? Why try to change them? Seems hypocritical.
A big thing to look out for is whenever they run out of defenses theyll start to attack your character. By calling you crazy or saying you have bad memory, thats when you know you have them cornered and are onto them.
100% right
one of my favorites is given enough time they appear to look at themselves. Then expel the bravado.
Gas lighting to tell u you don’t remember
"you're so sensitive."
Or they will go after low hanging fruit from the past. I had that happen before. They were going off on me about my flaws and I shut them down and then they mentioned that I used to be a bad cook which had zero relevance to the topic we were discussing.
My husband & I have often been told by extended family, we're just trying to help you.... When we told them it felt like they were being very controlling. We've moved away which has been very helpful
"Not the way I remember things" That one hit home. Any time I would bring up how she said something to me it would immediately be met with "That's not what I said" or "I didn't say it like that" or "Well its because what you said sounded mean/snarky/etc" or my favorite "Well maybe you're hearing the east coast in me".
The hilarious thing with narcissists is that they believe themselves to be so unique and yet they’re all so similar.
Because we *are* unique. Not to be rude, but generalising a personality disorder is abelist. Each person is different and someone's going to be abusive no matter what disorder they may have.
“…another phrase you might hear, or simply just feel…”
So much of narc abuse is that feeling. That oppressive, smothering feeling that you can’t always put into words.
when I refuse to react they begin to pick to try to get me to give up energy. I stop in my tracks. Deflated I know what this dynamic is. They don't , and don't care. Move on. They'll "fire" themselves.
Well, you nailed it. Probably the most concise explanation of narcissistic behaviour I've ever seen in a video.
Being raised by an older narcissistic sister, I can tell you first hand that the damage they cause can be utterly catastrophic.
When you ask a narcissist why he or she is treating you poorly and they say “I’m doing this because I love you”, “I’m trying to help you”, “I’m rooting for you, and “I want you to succeed”….run away!
That's my husband but I have no money and don't know where to go. I'm pregnant and have a toddler.
@@annaspeaksout2964 it really would be nice if society provided more options for communal childcare and communal healing for adults in circumstances that are constantly affecting their mental health.
Yup, my mother is constantly yelling, screaming, shouting, and abusing me, and my father will sit ther and do nothing. I wil say something to defend myself and he will rage at me, get red in the face, or say "it does no good to fight back, it's only goign to be worse for you, etc, etc."
I finally told him once that he should be defending me and that I don't appreciate her attacking me, and that he just sits there and is on her side, and he says "I'm doing this to help you" I look at him and say how the fk is this helping me?
That’s my parents exactly. Most everything is presented as them “just wanting to help” and “being worried about us”. I’ve taken to not sharing any real details of my life, as they barely listen and just waiting to jump on anything they can lecture me on, what the “correct” way of doing or thinking about something is. So I just say very superficial things, everything is wonderful type of conversation, hold on to my grey rock in my pocket and try to keep visits short. It helps a little.
@@annaspeaksout2964 ♥
I feel like a vail has been lifted from my eyes. I have been gaslighted for years by a narcissist. I'm glad that now I see the light and can get better and help. It took having a panic attack to realize the abuse that was going on.😢
"Blaming" somebody else for your anger isn't always a symptom of the narcissistic abuser. Most of the time it is, but some Narcissists like to provoke you until they get an angry response so that they can then point the finger and call you abusive. It's called Reactive Abuse and it existed in my last relationship...I would keep my cool all day while she kept piling on the insults, and then when I finally react in a verbally aggressive way and doing nothing more than pointing out how she's been giving me little digs the entire time we've been together and trying to sleep with my mates behind my back...suddenly I'm the one who's abusive! 🙄
Oh my gosh man I have the exact same experience. She was rarely overt with it though. Her insults were calm and on the slide. She would go so far as to say to our child, "your daddy is just useless." At any time I would bring that she said such things, she would immediately deny ever doing such a thing
My exes did the same 😡 then told me they wouldn't take my "disrespect" and basically anything less than obedience was disrespect.
Yep, I got that plenty of times! I finally learned to ignore the insults and realize that I control what I react to, so I stopped reacting the ways she wanted. I have also found this ability to help in other areas of life.
Theyre prof3ssional projectors.....and spoilers...and the list goes on. Im happy for you that your eyes are now open. Go give your love to someone who cares about u meow
Take this video with a grain of salt. Many of these phrases allegedly proving you are the narcissist are often used by the victims of narcissism defending themselves.
Example: My narc son-in-law tried to accuse me of saying I hated him during a specific event where he wasn’t even present. He completely changed the narrative trying to place the blame on me, and him the victim, but I specifically remember what I did or did not say at that event. And so I have replied, “That’s not how I remember it” and I am not the narc!
That is why keeping text messages is a great way to show the narcissist what they said in case they did lie to you ❗❗It is also a great way to recognize the narcissistic traits. The love bombing phase via texting when you look back is 🤮 and when you have an argument about their behaviour and you will see how they immediately bring the conversation back to what you did wrong etc. In the beginning of the friendship I did not know anything about narcissism, but these text messages have learnt me so much about narcissistic behaviour!
The one Comment about inadvertently depriving self to please a narcissist really hit close to home for me. Lived it on and off my whole life with 2 parents who are narcissist and became an extremely giving, forgiving, kind, people pleasing, extremely strong empath, and consequently a narcissist magnet...
Im sorry for what you went through, I too grew up with 2 narcissistic parents so I can relate. It’s only now that I finally got fed up with it all and looking back, all my friends save for one were narcissistic aholes. Only caring for what you can give them but when it’s your turn to get help they fizzle away faster than you can blink.
Codepency really does a number on you
This is really important information n very true once you “get out of the trap”! Out of the smoke and mirrors and once you understand it- see it- you can’t NOT see it- the confusion stops! You get it! 😊
All you discussed is why I no longer engage. It's simply not worth the angst. I'm so much more at peace alone. And I value peace.
Quickest way to spot a narcissist even before getting close to them, is try to find out if they participate in the house chores (while living with their family) a narcissist will never ever do it, they think its a low job, they leave it for someone else to do it, even if its their own mess or room, they dont mind seeing other people being burdened by cleaning it for them, because they believe that they are so special and deserve a special treatment, they will always add extra work for other ppl so they sit around and do nothing.
Be ware folks of those who don't clean after themselves because they'll be looking for someone to do it for them, and if you're kind hearted and nice, they'll be picking you!
My mother-in-law is the opposite. She's ' spotless'. She's like that so no-one can ever say the nasty things about her cleanliness that she regularly says about them. She has a name for everyone yet never gets caught out. Such as "lazy bitch" "filthy bas****" . There's a running joke in our street that the shop never has any bleach or disinfectant left because she buys it all up. Everyone laughs but they'd probably belt her if they knew what she was saying about them.
Sounds like Trish Foster of Millcreek, Pa. She’s a filthy animal….
My narc cleaned.
I was married to a malignant narcissist for 28 years. Shortly before divorce, during yet another mind-twisting argument, he said "You should talk to me as you would talk to your God!" Meaning essentially I should speak to him in prayer with reverence. It took me years of research to finally figure out who and what I was dealing with because I couldn't understand why he would treat me and our children so much worse than total strangers. What worries me now is what this did to my kids. They are adults and wonderful - I adore them as people not just as my kids. One is terribly insecure and one is a perpetual "pleaser" - the thought that someone might not like her upsets her. That's what scares me and I want to figure out how to help them 'on the sly' so to speak because they are wonderful, they will say, "I'm fine Mom."
Was his name Lucifer? 💀what a nut
They need therapy, or maybe just a group activity learning about narcissistic tendencies/behaviour. Why not actually just research all the cluster b types, psychology and human behaviour, balancing oneself. There's a saying once you can see your own toxic traits, you can see them in others straight away. It is so damn true! It's a life saver, even more beneficial than physical help, i.e., karate, boxing, etc, as you see things way clearer before the need for contact.
Just a little family learning and growing, you know 😉 maybe start off by telling them, ooh I've been learning this, listen to this...eventually they may see the benefits to knowing before you have to experience it to know it.
Also added bonus you actually harness those teachings into yourself and life changes for the better. You can interact with all the crazy people and know what is your duty and what isn't. Allowing you the knowledge and the power to decide what and where to interact for your best interests.
Good luck 👍
**when people hear that saying about toxic traits they only think of the negative but everything has a reflection selfishness-people pleaser. Inflated ego-inferiority complex. Player-insecure etc etc your positive toxic traits attract negative toxic traits.
Healed, healthy people attract each other. They can also see the unhealed and the wounds they carry. This is why you/me (victim of toxic or dramatic relationships) continue to meet the same type of person.
We think we're partnering up from positive connections but alot of us are actually connecting in the shadow self, so the toxic, negative side.
Hope this helps, if you managed to survive the length 😂
In my overall experience,you have your power. They want theirs and yours. As soon as we realize who we are dealing with. We win. A game Narcissist's set up.One wins-one loses. Awareness wins. They set themselves up to lose. Then hate you for it!
No, but it should have been! 😂@@Nina-vv3ev
Oh, I survived, Kicked him to the curb 12 years ago. Am happy and healthy. Weird thing is now, I get these random dreams where I'm experiencing his psychologically abusive behavior again or my kids are. And they are all grown up! Then I wake feeling raw and angry. Only happens once in a while but I need to figure out how to resolve those!@@kristyoblen7004
I brought my narc ex along on a uni night out. Me and my friend were at the bar getting the first round, when I felt someone grab my arse I turned around and saw my toxic ex behind me and me being drunk already, thought it was him, so I smiled. Next thing I knew he’d stormed out screaming that I’d cheated on him and was laughing about it. He’d witnessed someone else essentially SAing me but I was the bad guy?! Nasty piece of work. Was only in it for 2.5 years but I’m still unlearning the anxious attachment years later 🙈 trust your gut, you know when you’ve done nothing wrong. If they’re making you cry at nearly every interaction, you’re always better off alone.
Yes. I tried setting boundaries with him and he’d say “You want a yes man….all I’m hearing is a lot of “you” statements, it’s not all about you.” Etc!
No matter WHAT he said or did, he was always the victim. He was the only one allowed to feel anger.
The man I was with before this one wouldn’t talk at all…which is something I liked in the beginning about this last one…he WOULD talk. But it was circular crazy-making arguments with no resolution unless I shut down completely. Like I was to be seen and not heard. I had to be agreeable and supportive of him no matter what.
The encounter that broke the camel’s back was he lied to me for 6 months about another woman “work friend” who I could tell something was off about. She seemed waaaay too close to be just a casual work friend. She crossed a line and I told him I don’t like it. He fought me so hard on it, including telling our couple’s therapist that I’m controlling and begging me to trust him more. Only to find out recently that she was in fact actively pursuing him and he was allowing it and entertaining her. I don’t need to know how far it went, just the fact he lied to me for so long and making me feel like I’m insecure was enough to end the relationship. And I should’ve ended it sooner.
I spent 5 years basically trying to convince a man that I’m worthy of respect. Never again!
If you see my comment, my narc ex gf was much the same way. I guess standing up for myself and asking for explanations is attacking to a narcissist lol. She attacked my character plenty though.
Same here. The ex narc was the only one who could shout.
"if you had stayed living at home, we were planning on buying you a car."
I had moved into a boyfriend's house as soon as I turned 18. He became abusive. It took me 7 years to get out. This was said to me decades later, from my mom.
This is the first time I realized that specific incident wasn't healthy.
If you see red flags, don’t ignore them; there is always someone safer to sleep with or have a relationship with. I spent an evening with a guy exhibiting narcissistic traits years ago. Even went back to his place after the date. I saw the red flags and ignored them until I realized the whole night made me feel so crappy about myself because I allowed him to treat me that way. I left that night crying in my car and thank goodness my 23 year old self had the good sense never to see him again and to not text him. I kind of wish I had reported him to Tinder before I deleted it, but at the time I felt I had nothing conclusive or damning enough.
I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm the dating world you can see allt of fake and openly mean people.... idk why they all seem this way and don't feel guilty for pursuing your desires.... they can and will make you feel bad during times of connection thats how you know who they are... they wouldn't be able to help themselves. Unfortunately there's alot of men walking around as open narcissist and thinking every woman is desperate for attention when we are just human and not doing anytjing wrong. I briefly dated one who was an author and activist. Thry are literally am opp of black society like basic hoodlum turned convict turned over a new fake leaf since natc life keeps putting em in a hole. Thy kept boasting about what they were doing and I realized everything they were bragging about hey were spying on me and then acting like they Been did what I was planning. They like to take but act like they not taking. They like to steal and act like they came up with things on their own but they steal from the kind person giving them attention. I understand this lifeis not easy... people go through things but I listen all the time. People think I don't pay attention or that what thy will do will work because I am always to myself. But I let them get real proud and brave disrespecting me. I never turned they other cheek to bullies. Three of them are monitoring my phone and Stalking my life but recently it has subsided. They try very hard to ruin my happiness and it's a constant thing...
But having faith is what worked in putting these people in they sick and broken place.
My narc ex kept crushing on someone outside of the relationship and would call me controlling when I told her it made me uncomfortable. When I eventually broke up with her, she mentioned to my pets on her way out " Why did you have to ruin our little family?". Now her new thing is framing me as a bad person or mentally unstable to men on dating apps but continues to hoover and try to come to my house despite saying I'm terrible and "mean"?. In our years together I am the only one who has made any progress in life, it hurt a lot when she said those things.
This really helped a bit, hearing they will never admit the gaslighting was something i was finally ready to accept. They made up the most horrible lies and for as much as i tried i could never get them to admit the truth.
Better for me to just accept that they have to live with what they did and move on. No truth will ever combat the lies. Trust me i tried.
Good video, thanks for the help
The "freinds" that excepted the lies are too ignorant to bother keeping.
The straw for me was the last time he lied right to my face about his 'friendship' with his ex after one of his friends told me they saw them out together and her touching and rubbing all over him. Waste of time. It's amazing how easily they can bold face lie while looking in your face. Mind boggling. No soul.
It's because they have being doing it for years. If they're lips are moving they're lying.
So true. My narc ex-gf's saying was oh he's just a friend. The first time this happened was jan 2023. We lived 1200 miles apart and i gave her the benefit of the doubt the first time in jan, but then because he lived 90 miles to the east of her he would stay at her house on the weekends then go home for work. Then as feb came along i knew what was happening. Then she'd have him back at her place off and on in march and then even in the middle of august. Then i did a 5 week no contact in sept because of her verbal abuse. i found out from her after i broke it in oct. that she had a new "friend". Well i knew what that meant and now he got to spend thanksgiving and this new years with her. One of the last texts she sent me said this "youre an abusive liar. I never abused her or lied to her. Ever. However i guess it was ok for her to do those to me.
Is anyone else here just to make sure they aren’t narcissistic?
Yes!!!!
Yeah lmao
Kinda scared!😢
Ur so funny with ur phrase (hope NOT:) ) WE SHOULD LISTEN TO VIDEO RATHER BE A FLYING BIRD IGNORE THE SURROUNDING AND ENJOY UR LIFE U ONLY LIVE ONCE AND BE SAFE .STAY BLESSED I UNDERSTAND CZ WENT THROUGH AND GOING THROUGH THE ABUSE BUT JUST PULL UR SELF OUT JUST LIKE A PLUG IN THE WALL SWITCHED OFF WITHOUT ELECTRICITY.
If youre even wondering if you are then youre not. To a narcissist its unfathomable to think that way of themselves because it goes against their ego
I've been in a toxic relationship since 11 years, I have 2 boys from her. When I started to point out things to my family for the toxicity in her, no one believed me and when she lashed out everyone sees what i've been telling them for a long time. My elter sister always took her side either its right or wrong because she was thinking that only I make all the choices in our relationship and once she witnessed the lashed out of my wife, she realizes what she is. My Wife never even apologized for the lashing out on her with no reason at all. Soo Narcissist can never apologize to anyone even if you provide them with proof that they are responsible for it. They never apologize, its their EGO goal.
"you can set a boundary with anyone, at any time" and it isn't wrong or bad, as long as it is a legitimate boundary.
Always always make sure a consequence is something that limits your involvement with them. You might still want their acceptance...that isn't what is important if the other isn't able to respect you. In the past, I have tried to maintain closeness and have the consequence be something else. It has to limit your exposure to the unwanted behavior to work.
Actually yes. A trust Narcissist will try to wear you down. There is no solution but to limit access. But, you'll be known for being cold, etc. The real whiners of the group.
When I gave my narcissist friend a 2 weeks notice that I was moving out of his house, that is when he showed his true colors. The first week he tried to do everything in his power to keep me there. Saying I will never afford the rent, the electricity, the internet ect. And when that didn't work, he was so angry with me that he never lifted a finger to help me move out. He never even looked me in the eyes. Whenever he tries to call me or talk to me, I always remember those last 2 weeks. Never again!
I sayd: ”You need to start respectimg me.” He answered: ”YOU need to start respecting ME!” There is no continuation to such a discourse…
Thats when you say.."ECHO..Echo...echo..echo.." 😂
They're so prone to getting bored with people and burning bridges that it's rare for them to have one person who's always by their side no matter what. - AMEN
This is one of my favorite videos from this channel which I've watched several times just like my other favorite videos in this channel.
Thank you!
I put up boundaries with my insanely narcissistic father and stepmom a year ago. My dad has flat out said, you better pull your head out of your ass or you're getting cut off, understand me sonny? Then laughs in my face when I tell him the reasons I've out these boundaries in place. He refuses to discuss how and why I've come to this reasoning so no contact is the only way.
Focus on yourself and what's good for you in the long term. Boundaries and goals friend, boring in the moment but in life it slowly materialises. Don't let anyone parents included ever define you or who you want to be.
18:25 "Not the way I remember things" really resonated with me. Once I realized what they did every time I tried to explain something or recall an event, i just stopped even trying. All I did was stop talking or just smile and nod along. It seemed like a good idea to avoid feeding into their narcisicm but now theyre accusing me of not caring or invalidating their opinions, still trying to figure out how to deal with that
" Look what you made me do..." All sorts of abuse covered with that one.
If I didn't agree on an opinion I'd get shouted at" you're not listening to me!!" It shows how they absolutely cannot be wrong..So if you disagree it MUST mean that you're just not listening because if you were listening you'd have to agree.. I'd say " I AM listening..I just don't agree..Why can't we just agree to disagree on this one" OH NO! That won't do at all..Then comes the neverending relentless insistence and anger that will wear you down. If you're lucky you'll get days of the silent treatment ( probably during which they will be planning your punishment) and just telling him he was hurting me was viewed as an intolerable personal attack.. It's Impossible
My dad screamed at me to respect him because he is my father and to "let it go, like the song" when I held him accountable for a past misdeeds that related to the current misdeed. That's when I knew for sure and blocked him.
I was lucky in a way that many of our conversations was via DM online and I kept every single word he ever said to me due to his gaslighting. I would show him what he said and there was nothing he could refute. Because usually he would say, "I'm sorry that is the way you understood it; but I didn't say it like that." One time he even said to me, "You see, you say such stupid things" to which I said, "I am only repeating what you said to me an hour ago" and showed him the proof. Oh boy did he get mad.
“I don’t owe you any explanations” mannn made my blood boil when I heard that, my ex used to say that to me all the time…usually when I would catch him talking to another woman typically on social media!
Stonewalling
Then you don't owe him any explanations when he tries to put you on the defensive.
I heard it all with my nex, gaslighting, hiding things and double standards are the way of how she lives, now when I look back at it. I'm 2 weeks no contact and never going back to that evil treatment.
Same here! Stay strong and go your way with no exhausting freaking kindergarden psycho storys. I try the same, you are not alone!
The encounter that broke the camels back was when I showed her a list of criteria for emotional abuse, and in a rare moment for her, she actually agreed that she was emotionally abusive. She was quiet and distant for a couple of days, and then the abuse became much much worse and culminatedin a discard and divorce after 20 years of marriage and two children.
Wow. She hit you hard after she got exposed. How are you holding up?
Life is different now. Much less stress and much more personal growth. Much less interaction with my kids, although they are emotionally close to me. The abusive games continue post-divorce. The need to control is relentless.
One 'fact" that really struck me and was painful was: "the bottom line is, you're not good enough for me, its a fact". This was at the end of months of dismissing and demeaning me. More fool me for tolerating it- no contact from me now...
It’s frustrating about being poked at and still apologizing for it, then to be still prodded at even after the apology, I am guilty of exploding. Its reactive after I’ve done everything I can to take accountability for my part and get told it’s my fault anyway
“You don’t get it, I don’t care that I hurt you” is one of the last texts my ‘best’ friend ever sent me. I thought I had a best friend for life. Instead, I am alone. No more full-proof narcissistic saying narcissistic than that, and she actually admitted it.
At 18:12 you describe EXACTLY what I just went through a couple months ago. We knew each other for eight years. The first two years were glorious, we opened up to each other and made so much progress! And then suddenly I was discarded because of optics, I’m the ugly one…sarcastic tone: now we don’t want people think we are dating now do we? Ugggh Of course we weren’t dating. But that was an excuse to jump ship. I held on during the discard. I was devastated.
She’s quite intelligent, cognitive empathy versus emotional empathy are two very different things. I watched her cultivate fresh Supply as she pushed me out of her life. Hurts like hell. But she doesn’t care if she hurt me. I stopped being her narcissist Supply and started speaking up having counterpoints to her conversation points rather than 18:15 just nodding in agreement or obedience. That was enough for her to find different supply. Proving how needy they are as other people validation. I’m slowly healing.
Thank you SO much for this content. ❤
I have been clawing my way through this quagmire in a deep fog; only now do I see the reality of it all...
🌟 & ❤ to all who relate to this at all...
🙏🙏🙏
He would always say, “do you deserve it?” And it would always always make me uncomfortable. Always. So much so, my body would send me signals.
That boundaries thing is very real. Just try telling the narcissist in your life to not eat your food and see how they act. They will throw a full-blown fit and become a victim. They will continually eat your food and play victim every time you call them out for it even though you've talked about it hundreds of times. They feel entitled to it and don't care.
"I was going to buy you a nice present for your 18th birthday but I changed my mind, cause you don't deserve it"
"My words are the truth, there is only one truth and I'm speaking it"
"You have a right to your opinion, but remember that your opinion doesn't matter, cause you don't matter"
"I don't remember doing this to you" "Did I really hit you? I don't remember ever hitting you. But if I did, it's because you deserve it."
Father.
I really feel like the narcissist now. I think I’ve been hurt so many times I am becoming more like him. I’m going back to therapy. I need to make sure these behaviors and trauma heals. I am at the point of complete confusion again. Is he one? Am I one? Why is everyone around me telling me he is the victim, even my own sister (currently an addict). Maybe that’s why she turned. I just feel so sad and lonely and currently getting the silent treatment. Thanks for reading. These videos are helping me. I just don’t know where I’m actually wrong and need to change or if I’m being narc’d to death. Also the love and than hate is so bad to go through. Just feeling so loved and cared for and then hopeful again and then boom I make a mistake or cry or like today woke up sick and having an anxiety attack and now he’s gone. Like he died. 😢 ❤ to you all out there. May you find peace and comfort.
"You need to avoid catching our child's cold" "You're not much use to us when your sick"
Oh wow
Damn
Once I spotted the template, I realised that my son's mother is a covert too. How I missed the the 3 month rugpulll? Anyway the first was 27 years ago and it allows me to see the recent covert's future. Endless chaos but decreased power as her looks faded. It doesn't matter by the time you see it, but it allows you to see that you have dodged a bullet, grenade, rpg, and a 1000lb bomb.
I confronted my aunt over triangulating me against people when my abusive mother died. I think the whole reason she did that is because she once attempted to give out my address to my mom (without asking me), and I kind of laughed and said I'd disown her if tried something like that. She became enraged. She used my mother's death to project her anger onto me by labelling me a very angry person, and she told me everyone thought I was angry.
When I confronted her over her triangulation and asked her to hold space for me she accused me of causing drama, and swore up and down she never talked to anyone. When I stated her comments gave me a different impression and seemed disingenuous she went into a rage.
She called me pathetic, crazy, dramatic, and toxic. She then tried to flip it around on me and accused me of verbally attacking her and claimed that she had no idea where my mother lived, and knew nothing about her life.
That woman talked shit like she knew everything about my mom. You don't say you were going to drop my address without asking me, and then act like you knew nothing. If your handing out my address like that you're doing it with intention. My aunt then accused me of playing victim, then literally started accusing me of victimizing her, and harassing her. It's like she took on the role of whatever she was accusing me of. It was ridiculous, and laughably predictable. It was like she was naming the wrongs she committed against me, and then flipping it around so she could claim victim.
In my mother's death I figured out my mom wasn't the only toxic one. They played literally played the same games she did and were shocked I had developed boundaries.
It felt like they were trying to tear me down and destroy me.
@penijoni1316 same here except my mom is turning 87 and still causing trouble, along w my youngest brother who is also a narc. Brutal ppl. Take care of yourself ❤
Sometimes when I listen to these videos, I feel like you are talking about members of my family! You describe the behavior EXACTLY! It's as if you know them personally!
Definitely double standards!
I paid enough!
Word of advice.. Ladies, when getting out of the car.. instead of slamming the door.. leave it open and just walk away!!
( leave their head spin..😏)
If they try to come back,
Don’t answer that phone or open the door!!! 💪🏼
I've had an argument with a narcissist where they exepted that it was subjective and an opinion but that their answer is correct and all others are wrong.
ii found this out too late after a narcissist/sociopath snapped my flip phone in half and also tried to destroy landline phones, but apparently, destroying someone's personal items is considered ASSAULT and ii'm not sure what the crime is called, but interfering with someone's communication ie destroying their phone, is also a separate crime. i wish i'd called the cops and had the person charged when that happened to me. hopefully this helps someone else. leaving you with no ability to call for help, maybe obstructing justice, not sure. but destroying property is assault.
The part where you say “I have every right to know absolutely everything about you but how dare you expect the same of me” rings so true
The narcissist didn’t like the word boundary when I tried to explain the use of them which just shows how insecure they were and the fact that they didn’t want me to have any.
They certainly do have a healthy supply of go-to phrases to trot out when needed but in my experience one of their favourite "phrases" isn't exactly a verbal phrase but a particular noise like a sigh or some kind of weird facial expression which is presumably meant to *imply* one of their go-to phrases within the context of the interaction. This is equally infuriating because they're forcing you to fill in the blanks for them whilst maintaining plausible deniability... THEN if they're feeling generous/confident they might treat you to an actual verbal phrase or two!
When I realized what my wife was, my therapist taught me to "gray rock" and it saved me.
She left quietly and easily thinking it was her idea to go. I even helped her leave.
The divorce was amicable with her thinking she was moving on to much better things.
I immediately went no contact with her after the divorce was finalized to avoid hoovering.
I felt bad for manipulating her, but I got out of a toxic marriage pretty cheaply considering what I have heard other men go through.
Gray rocking for anyone who doesn't know is simply making yourself as unreactive, boring, and unappealing as possible and making the narcissist feel like they could do sooooooo much better than you.
They leave because they want to and usually without a lot of fuss.
lmao
I did this and it worked within one conversation. 7 years of back and forth toxicity and after one counseling session this technique was shared. I implemented that day and he even helped me move out 😄
I hope this still applies if your being used as a free bed n breakfast 😂
Used grey rock to end a 32yr marriage after a 4hr penis shaming rant.
I am currently working through this. Didn't know it had a name though.
Yes, it does feel like you’ve abandon yourself. .
The breaking phrase for me was when she replied "its not about We, its about how You hurt Me" when I tried to explain how I wanted to respect her boundaries, but that I needed her help to understand what they actually were. She refused tell me them, assumed I knew them and then treat me like I'm an asshole when I crossed them. Even when I hadn't been in contact with her for weeks
Because I didnt think of her as a narcissist at the time, I relented and accepted her laundry list of demands to prove to her that I was trustworthy. As soon as I didn't do it perfectly, she stonewalled me, triangulated with third parties and got me exiled from a friend group I invited her into with a truly brilliant double bind: "I told you you're actively choosing to make me uncomfortable (untrue, I literally had no idea anything was wrong until it became a crisis, at which point I immediately owned my mistakes and apologized unconditionally), and you insist on changing the narrative (changing the narrative = sharing my perspective) instead of working on yourself (in last previous conversation I got chewed out for coming back after voluntarily taking apart to work on myself because she wanted space too but never bothered mentioning that)"
About two weeks out from the final lockout. Its pretty telling that while I'm alone, I've missed her and have been flooded with thoughts of what I couldve done differently, in person even just incidentally passing her by sends my body fuming. Just gotta stay disengaged and move on...
Wow...gross...
Don't ever let people treat you like that
I would suggest figuring out why you accept that behavior.
@@David-u5w2r Well, I don't anymore lol, she and I are officially no longer friends. This was the first time this came up, so I was playing catch up for most of it
3:56 I’ve come to accept that access to me is a privilege to where my character and work experience is always in question or not as great as it is compared to my other siblings. I asked a simple question during this past Thanksgiving and was not only dismissed but suddenly not invited to my own brother’s wedding. I’ve placed boundaries over the years on communication and visits since 2018 with no success. Now I’ve decided to have no contact with my narcissistic family. I’ve change my phone and legal name to remove their access to me and start 2024 as a new person without them.
Good for you!
In less than 4 years it went from (and yes, using her actual words here): “I love you. Thank you for being so supportive and understanding. For being uplifting in every situation, for not just me, but for others as well. It’s incredibly humble and admirable. For your contagious positivity, your honesty and your wonderful soul. I am very lucky to simply know you and have you in my life, never mind being able to call you mine. You’re a good person with a beautiful, kind heart and soul. I’m truly grateful to be yours. ❤️” to “Your behavior was a tad unacceptable. I shouldn't respond to this but I will because I'm civil and a good person. Attacking someone whenever you greet them is no way to treat anyone. Even someone you dislike. I only forgive because that's who I am. But as you know, I never forget.
Things didn't even end badly between us so there is no reason to be aggressive with me, or to me to you. Your behavior after the fact is what's causing me to run so far away from every where you are.”
And I definitely got “It’s none of your business” and alibis etc. Definitely entitled to know everything about me, but post relationship I found out how very little I knew about her.
Not to mention attacking my character and reversing herself, I went from honest to a liar, even though she flat out lied about why she ended the relationship (she had her ex bf from 15-16 years ago who has money and comes from money lined up).
Sounds like my ex to a T oh my god. Still learning to this day i did literally nothing wrong.
Gross
@@LadyHawkeNJay Can you elaborate, please?
"You're controlling" was her greatest hits.
"Basic decency" apology tour was always cancelled 12:01
I talk to my sister through a Lawyer. I gave up.Stopped talking to her 12 years ago.
It was not easy but worth it. Peace of mind ❤
That whole "whatever I say is fact" bullshit was something he loved to pull when he got into an argument. Kept insisting that he was always in the right, whether assumed factually, or that everyone around him agreed with him, even when his research ended up amounting to skimming through a wikipedia article, or literally everyone around him disagreed with his shitty opinion.
So important content, thx! Just came out by myself from a relationship with all the mentioned behaviors! So for sure i‘m far away from perfect too, but i‘m not 16y old anymore (i‘m 41).
As son as we fixed everything, jobs, new apartement, booked a long travel together everything turned in one day! She never talked about her feelings. Extreme mood rollercoasters. Then she insulted me in the worst possible way, attacked me physically when i said to her that she is not 16 anymore and should stop play the victim and focusing on what we have (not only on what she(!) dont have) and how lucky we are! No emotion control at all. For sure i said thats a no go for me and my values (respect!) so she blamed me for cutting her off bcs she said sorry but i never appologized to her! She never insuted me but i always abused her over the years, crazy 100% projection from her behaviors on me! She did it so freaking „perfect“ that i started to ask myself whats true and whats not! Im really lucky to have good friends who i talked too who reminded me that she said and did and that it was NOT me!! With help from friends plus a psychologist i got my head straight, found my values again and could walk away!
But honestly; i have still bad conscience sometimes in my head bcs now im the bad guy with her 180degrees projecting story she isctelling her mom and my people wo reacv out to me with the informations. Just this Kindergarden stuff where still goes on its still sooooo exausting!!
My advice; Get professional help! NOTES for yourself that you dont loose your version of all this 700million discussions, Kindergarden behavior and remembdr how it really is/was! They are masters in turning your head and mind! Im on my way to bevthe happy person again like i was before and who i doesent was the last couple of months!
Merry X-Mas to everyone! And never forget; „EVERYONE deserves to be happy“!!
Yes, it’s a form of brain washing!! And then they sense when you have had enough and they dig in deep, try everything to get you to stay.
He was so thoughtful, kind, respectful, funny, wanted to spend time with me, he adored me, and wanted to spend time with me, and I was so happy.
I was not a priority in my previous and only relationship. He took me for granted, would rather hang out with his friends and party than spend time with me, would be several hours late for our dates often. So when a man started treating me so well, I felt right into his love bomb head first. :(
It was a long distance relationship. Though we video chatted for hours, a few times a week, and constantly emailed back and forth, I thought I knew him so well, but he was able to hide his true self from me.
He had become the man he knew I was looking for, who I had waited nearly 6 years for - someone with virtue who valued God, and would love me as I deserved to be loved. (I had been single for years, not willing to settle.)
I felt something was a bit off the first time we spent 4 days together in person, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. It felt so nice to belong to someone, in a relationship sense, to have someone looking out for me, to hold hands, and feel safe.
But the next time we spent time together, things were great, but then I started seeing a whole other side. He would get explosively angry, scary angry. He didn’t hurt me, but he would slam things, nearly broke the window of my passenger side door after slamming it shut so hard - because I wanted him to sleep at my brother’s house and not mine - we were engaged and not married. I didn’t want to have sex outside of wedlock, wanted to save it for a beautiful gift in marriage, and when I met him he was 100% on board with this… at least that is what he told me.
He started becoming sexually abusive, I didn’t realize this at the time, because my head was all messed up. I gave in and would cry afterwards, and he would yell at me. He later admitted that he did everything he could to make sure I gave in because he thought it was time for us to engage in all that. :(
I knew he didn’t love me. I was afraid to break up with him though, afraid of what he may do. I was so ashamed and was afraid to reach out and tell people what was happening. I was afraid to be alone with him.
When he went back home, I was relieved. He had told me two things that had me all upset - 1) If I ever upset him, he wouldn’t be able to sleep and wouldn’t be rested, and would be all upset at work, and could fall from the power line he was working on as it’s a very dangerous job. (I already knew he was emotionally unstable by this point, and couldn’t control his anger at times)
The second thing - he once told me out of the blue “Once we are married, if you ever cheat on me, and we have children, I will make sure you never see them again!” And it was out of the blue… I was angry, as I felt it was an attack on my character, I had given him no reason to think I was unfaithful, and told him that if he thought I was a cheater, and doesn’t know me by now, we probably shouldn’t be getting married. And went on to tell him, don’t you think doing something like that would greatly hurt the children to rip them away from the other parent, even if that parent was making a bad choice?!
This did not set well with me at all that he would make such a threat… but I didn’t entertain it because I knew I wasn’t a cheater.
He went back home, and I was trying to figure out how I would breaking things off safely. I was afraid of hurting him, and him reacting badly and getting hurt himself or a part of me worried if he would become enraged with me.
In the mean time, I found out I was pregnant and was all out of sorts with it. I was trying to figure out how to tell him, I also hadn’t seen the bigger picture about how abusive this man really was… he still was emotionally manipulating me.
We were on a video chat and he started, out of the blue, he asked me why I was acting different and then started accusing me of cheating on him!!! (Looking back, he was likely cheating on me and accusing me!) This absolutely freaked me out because I already knew what he threatened to do if I ever cheated on him, and even thought I wasn’t, in his mind I was!
I stopped talking to him cold turkey. I knew if I did anything else, he would emotionally manipulate me or he would hurt himself, or possibly come after me, not in a good way.
I went through pregnancy and labor and delivery alone. I knew that my child was innocent of all this and she had value, I couldn’t hurt her (abortion), she was still precious and deserved her best chance - regardless of what other may think of me or say of me being a single mother raise her on my own. (And there were some dandy rumors spread, during my pregnancy, lol… but she is more than worth it!)
I did start to question my fears, as time went on, and downplayed the whole situation… went against my heart and soul/better judgement, and the advice of my priest…, had a lot of pressure from people to tell him, saying he had a right to know… and I knew he did, but I was afraid.
I told him and he was wonderful at first, invited us to visit so his family could meet her, and once we were on his turf, it quickly became a very dangerous situation. He started acting so unstable, at one point he tried to kidnap the baby and I stood strong to protect her, he threatened to hurt me - wasn’t in his right mind, I seriously thought he was going to hurt me bad but I had to protect her… I didn’t care what he did to me… people came out of a business and I started screaming for help and he ran, before that he threatened to hurt me very badly and I seriously think he was going to kill me - tried to stay as calm as I could, he was crying and sobbing one moment acussing me of cheating on him, the next he was punching the steering wheel and scream how angry he was with me and I prayed for my guardian Angel to come to my assistance, and other cars appeared at the end of the dark desolate road, so we weren’t alone with no witnesses... I wrote an emergency email to a close friend and told her he was acting very irrational, if we didn’t make it back home, this is why… I didn’t know if we would make it out safely. There is more that happened. His family was wonderful, they didn’t like his behavior and were scared of how he was acting, and but they allowed it… they walked on egg shells around him, but helped us get back ok. (Turns out he was using drugs the whole time, and he had always talked a big talk about being anti-drugs)
The baby was never the same though, after our visit. She had been emotionally traumatized - which I didn’t know babies could be because they are just learning about their surroundings. She had been very happy and calm, slept through the night, self soothed by sucking her thumb, but after visiting, her entire demeanor changed and she started have night terrors, slept only 15-30mins at a time, was constantly waking crying… the only thing that would sooth her to sleep was me nursing her, and she had to have a clump of my hair clenched in her hand… it’s as if she knew he tried to take her from me, and she didn’t want to let me go.
This went on for a year. I did not have a single night’s rest, was chronically sleep deprived. But we survived.
He was blowing up my phone, email, accusing me of all sorts of stuff, cheating kidnapping. Called the police and sent them to my house multiple time, saying I kidnapped his baby.
I cried every night, I was afraid to sleep too, afraid he would come for us in the middle of the night and hurt us. It was horrible - the most difficult time of my life.
He eventually left us alone. I lived in fear for a good 5 years though. I haven’t spoken to him in almost 10yrs now, but I still get scared some times.
I could never date because I didn’t want to put someone else in danger incase he came after me, and then I started getting scared of men being honest with me… what if they turned out to be liars and mislead me… if they lived in the same city or near by, what if I couldn’t get away again. I know it’s not fair to judge others based on how someone else as treated you, but I was afraid I would be mislead again. I had to protect my children.
It’s been lonely, but I’ve been busy caring for my mom (who had a stroke a few month after we returned and the baby was experiencing her sleep disorder) and working, and now helping at my daughter’s school.
I would like to be married, I had always wanted a big family…. It will just take the right man who can make me feel safe again and I know would not want to hurt me or any of our children.
And I mourn the person I truly thought he was… if only he was who he led me to believe, we would have had a beautiful marriage and family - possibly 5 children by now! :( Life would have been good. Instead, it was all a lie. I never thought anything like this would ever happen to me… I never would have treated someone so badly! Nor mislead anyone…
They truly try to drive you crazy with gaslighting and projection. Writing everything down as it happens if possible or at least as soon as you can helps.
Boy you hit the nail on the head with this video. My father, mother, and son were all narcissists and I’m an Empath so I’m sure you can see how many years of abuse I’ve had to deal with. The thing is I am devoted to my family. I took care of my father and mother when they were sick and dying of cancer.
Now it’s just my son an I and I’m not well and need help but instead of helping me my son threatens to abandon me if I don’t do what he says and take all of his abuse. He also expects me to keep taking care of him. As an Empath I feel the need to help others but now that I’m the one that needs help no one is around to help me. All of my other family is deceased so I have no one except my son.
My parents were like this to me, and taught my siblings how to treat me also.
I was the scapegoat in my family.
So much so I was disowned financially by my mom.
My brother committed suicide and my youngest sister received everything my parents had.
I married a narcissist.
all of you need to GET AWAY from all your narcissists and forge lives without them.
@@lucyt-c8092easier said than done. My ex and my family managed to cripple me financially so trying my hardest to rebuild while dealing with chronic physical health issues and the mental health issues. It's taking a while. I'm fighting really hard rn to get some footing.
I have been gaslighting my narcistic gf ! By showing her a lot of love and then ignoring her completely ! It sure makes me happy to play in her owm field 😂😂 ! Thank god am out of her hook ❤❤ stay strong guys
The only sad thing about this video is that there are Cluster-B personality types watching this videos specifically to learn how to be a more stealthy narcissist.
Luckily, most aren't that bright, or like making effort.
You explained so well what I have experienced with my ex. She was autist as well. One cannot treat autism as a free pass.
Double standard. Pick and choose. Smear campaign. Gaslighting. Entitlement. Lies. Lies. Victim.
I developed a stomach problem after so much stress and anxiety.
Thanks for sharing.
I like that..." Access to me is a privilege".
Right you are ❤
I totally agree 👍
I used to be engaged to a guy who said that he is the only person in the world who can tolerate me and any other guy would rather abuse or abandon me. I started to believe it and couldn’t break up with him because of fear of ending up alone. But then I got to the point that I would rather stay single my entire life than spend it with him, so I broke up with him. But this relationship really took a tool on my self worth and I believed that I am nobody and deserve the worst.
However, I met a beautiful gentleman who helped me heal those wounds and we have been happily married for over a decade
How about the phrase, "I'm sorry you feel that way!"? I get that from my mother when trying to express I'm upset and not ok with something. I see it as invalidating and gaslighting.
A guy I dated for 2 months said this to me. I ended it immediately. Red flag, bye-bye!
My ex said that to me all the time …it used to annoy me so much. He would never take accountability for anything.
omg... I get chills and bad stommach, hearing those comments... I´m so happy I´m out...
The "none of your business" bit is also used to create doubt or mystery around probably innocuous things. Sometimes it takes the form of simply ignoring the question, suggesting that your question is not worthy of a response.
"You don't need to get distracted, he was my work boss. It's got nothing to do with anybody"
Erm, *what's* got nothing to do with anybody?!
The intentional ambiguity in speech is calculated.
And very crazy making!! Because it makes so little sense you think they can't be this oblivious..
Thank you, I feel so much more understood and calmed down with your lovely voice even though I have watched already a lot of narc videos. Effects of gaslight make me feel like I'm the wrong one and such vids remind me I'm not
What broke the camel's back?.......realizing that she did everything that all the videos on you tube says about the way that a narcissist behaves. I do mean EVERY BEHAVIOR DESCRIBED!!
Gonna admit I thought it was gonna be a frag listening to a long explanation. But it went so fast because it was clear and exactly the experience I've been through.....
I loved this video!!! It resonates with me so much!!! Good information!!!
Right out of the gate, I got a home run. Each point is knocked out the park.