Let us know what strategies help you manage your mental load. ALSO, check out my interview with Laura on the ADHD Aha! podcast: lnk.to/adhdahajc!youtube
A vitamins and meds hack I've found on the Internet that has worked charms for me is this : If you have a cat, always give it treats After you took it (or gave it to your kids). You may forget, but the cat will get the pattern and will be following you meowing until you take the meds. My cat has now become my support animal. We have co-conditionned yourselves
As someone with ADHD thank you SO MUCH for chapters with useful descriptions on a video this long. Makes your content very approachable. Love long form content even if my mind doesn't.
Thank you for that! Yeah we used to try to keep the videos super short but some topics need a deeper dive. Glad you still find it accessible with the chapters :)
The first half of this video is a deep discussion on the mental load -- what it is, why it's so challenging for those of us with ADHD -- that I personally found really validating and insightful. If you want to skip straight to the strategies -- 17:27 :)
Thank you for talking about it. I haven't been officially diagnosed, but the way you describe it for people with adhd sounds exactly like what I've been going through.
@@SqueamishPuppet I urge you go ahead and see an ADHD therapist to get diagnosed For me at least it was relief to find out why I was seemingly sabotaging relationships and productivity. I took my partner with me and that really helped.
Some more timestamps to make it a bit more digestible 🙂 Strategies to lighten the mental load - 17:47 Strategy #1: Offer choices - 19:28 Strategy #2: Externalize as much as possible - 21:36 Strategy #3: Create visual cues - 22:20 Strategy #4: Have less stuff to manage (at once) - 24:16 Strategy #5: Set reminders - 25:45 Strategy #6: Delegate entire areas of responsibility Strategies to manage emotional dysregulation - 28:09 Strategy #7: Be kind to yoursef - 28:54 Strategy #8: Get sleep! - 29:28 Strategy #9: Get some perspective
@@RapotatoGAMING Aw thanks for watching enough of my videos that it's starting to feel repetitive :) I did just came out with the book this year if you haven't checked it out it's got a TON of great stuff, some of which isn't on the channel. howtoadhdbook.com/ Is there anything specific you're looking for tips about?
I didn't know that I had ADHD until I was in my 60's. While I was single, I dealt with the stress by going home, unplugging the phone, changing into comfortable clothes, making a cup of tea and reading until falling asleep. Sometimes I didn't eat anything until morning. After marriage and a child, I would give myself a time out. When I could, I would block out sounds, lights and focus on something soothing. I would set a timer and found that after I could focus on what I needed to do. When I was diagnosed my doctor encouraged me to take time outs more often. P.S. Watching channels like this help too.
So, I've known I was ADHD from a young age(13ish) and learned I ALSO struggle with my Autism at a young adult(22ish). What was it like learning this about yourself at the age you did?
@@AlisonCurrin42 The first response is "wow that tracks". Also long journey to see what is true for me. For instance I have to titrate meds WAYY down, and I meditate and draw. I love remembering adults who seemed to value my way of being without there being any words for the thing.
Oh wow, that's me too! My me-time is UA-cam to regulate now. I live in a small apt with my kids and miss the peace and quiet to be able to read for hours... they are getting older though and it's not forever!
My son that I didn't know had ADHD and then found out he did would breakdown everyday after school. To the point I dreaded him coming home, but also was motivated to find out what was going on. So what we did was have a time set aside after he came home to get a snack and just vege and then we'd get to homework. But then this year my husband helped me tweak it where we set timers that go off to help us transition. It helps me cause I don't have to keep looking at the clock, and has lessened my mental load. It helps him because we have a posted schedule and the timers trigger the change not me so there is a seperation and I am not always the bad guy. He also knows what he needs to do because we have a simple homework list and the timer has a reminder of what is next. So when it goes off it says "reading time". He has been so much calmer this year it's been awesome.
This is so great! Im so happy you found a working theme & "program" that works fir u and ur child. Pleaee share what this timer is ur using that lets u program the actual voice prompt of the task also....i cud really use it for myself. 🙂🙃
It sounds like you’ve found such a great system for your son and yourself! That transition period after school can be so overwhelming for kids with ADHD, and I love how you’ve implemented timers and a posted schedule to create a sense of structure and independence for him. The idea of using the timers to cue transitions instead of you having to do it is brilliant - it really helps remove that feeling of always being the one enforcing rules. As a therapist, I see how powerful small adjustments like these can be in reducing stress for both parents and children. It’s amazing to hear how much calmer he’s been this year! I also create content on therapy and mental health, so feel free to check it out if you're interested. Keep up the great work!
I call this “decompression”. My ADHD-6th grader goes to my parents after school. My mom complains that he spaces-out when getting off the bus. I told my mom he MUST DECOMPRESS before starting homework. Let him watch ONE Pokémon-episode, play w/ their dogs a bit, then start on schoolwork
@@carryjgful I have an app on my phone called "voice recorder" and you can record any message you want and then when you go to set the alarm on your phone you can select the file that matches the purpose the alarm is for. ZEDGE is an app that also has lots of notifications and ring tones that I like.
Journaling helps so much because sometimes you start writing about one thing and you end up getting through so much that was sitting on your mind and it really reduces your mental load
Yes! The good ole data dump! This is something I do without realizing it's a strategy to off load the brain clutter. Unfortunately, I only do this after I've started to feel overwhelmed and just bogged down.
I suppose I can use a Dani Donovan tip to do an adjacent task; or I can reset the bar on the expectation to write "everything" and just write 5 words to set the intention and the habit.
I started a research diary within the last few months because I was struggling so much with memory and writing during my PhD. It's been really good for my writing and for capturing references as well as showing how I worked thru feeling like crap at the beginning of the day to writing at least something by the end. It's not perfect but I have tabs for particular types of info or where I've written about a theme or if it's writing tips or hey go look this up. It does mean I have to actively read thru what I've got to flag them which makes me feel like it's not just a black hole of writing and information like many of my old notebooks
The rare times I try it, I end up in physical pain from typing for like 8+ hours straight and super depressed, crying, then get to deal with a 2 day long migraine afterwards. It also doesn't help me at all. Nothing gets solved, I don't feel better, in fact I end up feeling worse, emotionally and physically.
My sisters and I don't live with or even near each other, but we sometimes ask each other to order takeout for us when we can't even make a choice scrolling through Doordash etc. I used to feel so inadequate and I wouldn't eat because I couldn't make a choice. When we started doing this, we affirmed for each other that it's fine to say "I'm too exhausted to think about, please think for me"
That is probably why I'm one of those people who orders the same thing from the same restaurant every week. It's not so much about the routine, as it is the overwhelm of trying to pick something that isn't a "safe item" with a tired brain. I don't always have the bandwidth to navigate what's safe for my allergies and also is a good price.
There’s one weird thing I do as a visual cue to help me keep track of what I’m looking for when I’ve lost something. I’ll mimic using the item I’m looking for with my hands-like if I’m looking for scissors, I’ll making a cutting gesture with my hand while I look, or a writing gesture if I’m looking for a pen, that kind of ASL “y” gesture (hand in a fist with pinky and thumb extended) with your hand of a phone if I’m looking for that, etc. It helps me remember what I’m looking for in case I get distracted by something else while looking, then forget to find the thing. Really helps!
Same! When looking for an object, doing the action (scissors, ironing) also helps when I can't even remember the word, but someone looking at me guesses, and I breathe a sigh of relief.
Yes! This! Or I open and close my hand when looking for the oven mitt (ours are more puppet-like than mitten-like). Especially when word finding is so difficult. Like I know what they are - oven mitt, or scissors, or pen, or whatever - and I've got the word in my head for it - but it just won't come out of my mouth. I'll just tell my kids, "Give me the - the - the - the (meanwhile something's burning) - the - (make oven mitt gesture)" and they'll eventually get it and as soon as it's in hand my brain turns back on and says "oven mitt"...
I have ADHD, a four-month old, kindergartener, and third grader, and tomorrow is the first day of school. Today has been terrible. This video has made me feel so seen.
A big hug flying over the water to you from a mother of two, they are grown ups now. I struggled a lot and they still love me. You will be loved too, I'm sure.
Daily journaling- even if all I write is the date, time, and "I don't know what to write." 99% of the time I start writing more afterwards anyways. That's what helps my mental load and I keep forgetting that. This was really well timed because I've been really burnt out and struggling but it reminded me that's something I used to do and it really centered me.
This is a brilliant comment I endorse. This is my spin on your idea: My school introduced me to the idea of a "commonplace book". Although my school commonplace book is mostly for insightful things authors in my schoolbooks said that teachers assign you to write, I've transferred that idea to my other "life" commonplace book. That is the one notebook where there is no rules: anything I want/need to remember or mentally dump is welcome. It is also great to look back on it once you've filled it up. I feel like I could write an entire book on this (not qualified though) so thanks for coming to my ted talk!
Thank you for giving me permission to start journaling, even if I just write down the date and "I don't know what to write". My perfectionist brain thought I have to know exactly what I want to write before I can start journaling. Just writing "I don't know what to write" and that being okay was never an option in my mind. Thank you!
"If you feel like the world is on fire, get your face out of the candle". ❤❤❤🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂❤❤❤ I broke the afternoon silence in our home and laughed out SO loud!!!
Here are some things I say to myself when my emotions are bigger than my brain: "You are safe" "You are doing your best" "Just finish it first. Then perfect as you can" This video was really really valuable to me and I'm going to share it for others nd and NT. ❤️
I try to prioritize my tasks, and then focus on one thing at a time. It is dinner time, we have to eat, make dinner. The bills, the emails, the summer camp I need to research can all be tackled later. Just focus on dinner, it is the most important thing for me right now.
I wish I could express how extremely validating it is to hear other women talk so openly and kindly about something that has been a source of shame all my life. This channel has changed the way I see myself, thank you so much for all that you do.
I just wanted to add to your validation and say I also struggle with these things and ESPECIALLY the shame of struggling! We are more normal than we thought 🥲♥️
I get flustered when i am running behind, and I used to overschedule myself every day. Now i ask myself how long it will take to transition between events....like how long will it take me to load my kids into the vehicle, plus diaper bags, plus whatever needs to go with us, plus feedings and meds, plus time to chase down the dogs and feed them....plus time to run home when I get down the road, to retrieve a baby bottle or my phone that got left behind. I used to set aside 5 or 10 minutes. Now it's 45. I no longer try to squeeze in one more errand, I just say this list is enough. Yesterday my children had two appointments, two hours apart, and the destinations were just ten minutes apart. I was tempted to load myself down with every possible errand, but I didn't, and we were five minutes early for the second appointment. It feels so good to be early. I write "be early" ahead of the appointments in my calender, as a reminder.
I'm about 8 months longer into the parent journey, and that first year i would have 1 task that had to get done. It saved the shreds of my sanity, and things eventually got done. And as long as that got done and we were all alive at the end of the day it was a success!
YES. My s-i-l was years ahead of me, and she told me early on, "Parenting has only one rule: let them live. If you get to the end of the day and accompany that, you succeeded. Period." Helped SO much for changing my perspective lots of days!
We use Fair Play, and it has been super helpful! My Wife and I taped our cards to counter doors so we see them frequently, and that not only helps remind us of our tasks (I call my tasks "contributions," but to each their own), but it also helps us to visually see what the other one is contributing. We've found that it helps prevent us from feeling like we're doing more work than the other. That said, we have open conversations about those feelings and reevaluate the tasks to ensure everything is equitable. We don't always complete our tasks; sometimes, things get overwhelming, but that visual queue is helpful. Can't recommend Fair Play enough.
I use a bullet journal and have figured and use many of the strategies you talk about here. It’s taken me 8 years to really get it (the journal) dialed in and be regular about it but I’ve really hit a good place with it this year. Went up to a full 8 1/2 x 11 book so it fits an entire week spread across both pages. 4 columns per page. First on the left is a list of everything I hope to get to or just want to keep visible like LIBRARY BOOKS DUE NEXT WEEK. This is generally in pencil so as I do them or move items to a specific day they can be erased. Then the days of the week. Anything that has to happen on a given day is in pen, anything intended but flexible is in pencil. Something important and unusual like a doctor appointment or interview is put in a box at the very top and written in orange marker. Seeing a whole week (or month) at once is helpful with knowing the reminder is out there and I don’t need to think about it until (due date) but still be able to focus on just a specific day’s list is super helpful. I’ve got a monthly spread too to see all the big stuff at a glance and have multiple brain dump areas. Things to come back to, things for next month, goals for the month. And I pair each week with the following two pages for journaling and flowing and just getting thoughts out and on paper. Anything, like plans or drawings, I need to easily find again goes into the table of contents in the beginning of the book. I.e. schedule of chicken hatching pg 84. I’ve learned colors make me happy so I mix it up…most of the writing is in black but instead of putting a check mark in the to do box I color it in. I like some fun artwork but I’m not a good artist or very quick if I try to draw so I mostly use stencils for that extra flair. For New Years Resolutions/year goal setting I designed my own BINGO card and color in each square as I accomplish it and get to pick a treat for myself from my rewards list. It’s also nice to look and see everything I’ve accomplished especially for those days when I feel like I’ve gotten nowhere. Anyway just getting stuff out of my head and written down plus keeping a journal are both a big help in the mental load battle.
I’ve only recently discovered your channel As a 40 year old who has owned his own business for 15 years , renovated houses , in the process of relocating a business , parenting 2 kids and the challenges that come with it . I feel like I’m just holding on by a thread I’ve found mind mapping very helpful
I have executive function issues (not ADHD specifically), and it's funny how many of these tips I use. If I think of something I need to do tomorrow, as I'm falling asleep and don't have the energy to write it down, I'll throw some random object in my shoe as a reminder! (I'm a balding guy,so no hair clips for me!) Also, a white board is a lifesaver. In high school, I learned this technique I call "Do/Doing/Done". I divide the white board into 3 sections with those labels, and put my To-Do's under the Do section. When I start them, they go under Doing. It's great to have a colorful visual representation of what's on my plate - it's also a reminder not to get overwhelmed by doing too much. And when things are done, I get the satisfaction of physically moving them to the Done section. Apps like TickTick are another great option for to-do's. They have automatic reminders, auto-repeating, and you can tag things however you want, like when or where it needs to be done, or how long you estimate it will take. I do have trouble overloading my task lists, though, and letting things sit when they're not emergency priorities.
Thank you. I love your suggestions. I also have struggled long-term with the doing some of the things on the lists. I learned recently to stop making to-do lists and instead schedule it on the calendar. For my brain, that really clicked, and I am figuring out not scheduling too much as well as scheduling self care activities. Wish I could remember where I learned this to give credit
I like your column labels - so simple. I'm going to use those! I will add one column as the first one, called Do? This is for those items I haven't committed to yet but don't want to forget. Even if you toss out 90% of them, you won't miss out on the 10% you end up doing. Oh, and TickTick has this board feature. Cheers!
@@RickTesno I need to learn how to use that feature - I love TickTick! I really like the “To Do/Doing/Done” system, but a physical board gets messy, and/or forgotten. And I really like the idea of “Do?”. There are just some things we feel like we *should* do, but they’re not actually necessary.
We keep snacks in my ADHD son's locker at school (he's 6th grade). Had to get permission. He has a snack when he needs one; the biggest difference is the snack he has right before he comes home. So many fewer meltdowns (or "after school restraint collapses") - game changer for us.
A big one for me to help manage the mental load is to write things down whenever possible. This included allowing myself to write on my skin again, which I did when I was younger but was shamed out of. Now, I've found pens that work really well on skin and I have them EVERYWHERE - in my bag, on my nightstand, by the toilet, on the kitchen counter, etc etc, and I'll use my hand, my whole arm, my thigh, or even my stomach when there are too many things. This is HUGE for the remembering something you need to do while you're trying to sleep! For things that are longer and/or more time sensitive, I've taken to writing it on a sticky note and slapping it on my chest. It's super annoying, and I won't put it down until I've done the thing, so it's great for getting back on task. It's GREAT
I absolutely loved this video. My dream is that some day, everyone will better understand neurodiversity-and realize that people who are not neurotypical are not lazy.
I was recently diagnosed with ADHD at 31 years old. No one thought I had ADHD. But now that having my diagnosis, everything makes so much more sense. A lot of the “mental load” mentioned in this video is so relevant to me. Not knowing that “analysis paralysis” was a thing and this happened so often while not understanding why. “Emotional disregulation” was something that happened to me and yet I was being called ‘overreacting’ where it’s actually a symptom of an underlying mental condition that no one in my family considered. Thank you for making videos like this, I’m learning a lot.
Something I did that really helped is I bought a checklist that is split into NOW, NEXT, and LATER. It gave me a little better sense of time, order, and less mental load of tracking what comes next.
Index cards are a brainsaver for me. I keep a pen and small stack of index cards (held by the pen clip) at every spot in my home where I'm likely to spend more than a few minutes... bedside table, dining table, bookcase beside rocking chair, desk, etc. etc. Whatever pops into my head goes on a card, then when I leave that spot I take the written cards with me to wherever they need to go next to get into the system (e.g. writing ideas go to my computer desk, stuff to do goes to wherever my journal is living, ...). It's not perfect by any means, but when I make the effort to use it, it lightens the internal load a *lot*. Thanks for a really helpful video ❤
I wish I could like this video a million times. The struggle I have experienced going my whole life undiagnosed, presenting as a woman (I am a trans guy), and shaming myself for not being able to keep up with neurotypical standards is astronomical. I remember being a child and just falling apart when coming home from school. I have dealt with the expectation of having to remember all of the chores, bills, doctor appointments, dinner, on top of a full time job... I fell apart again as an adult. Only now am I learning to advocate for myself. I have never felt more seen! It's such a relief to know I am not alone.
This made me feel so seen. After 2+ years on meds for an adult diagnoses…I’m finding myself frustrated af with my lack of “progress” in emotional regulation and organizational skills at times. I think this video helped me realize the lapse is actually in my own ability to recognize my limits in mental load. This month my body said “NO MORE” and forced me to slow down…this video just reminded me I’m not immune to adhd just bc I utilize stimulants. Thank you❤
I once wrote down the majority of things I had to do with our apartment. I got 3 full pages. I don't even know how to start prioritising that much. And it was a year ago so the list is much longer now. Thank you for this video. I feel so seen.
Oh my goodness I finally understand something!! For awhile now I have been struggling with completely falling apart emotionally when my husband gets home from work. I snap and I get angry and I hate that I do it and I never understood where it all came from. But its like kids losing it after school. I've been home all day looking after my one year old and managing myself, managing him, trying to make the day fun and educational and meet his needs and its so exhausting. Then my husband gets home and I am so happy to see him but I get so upset as well. Its cause I've been holding it together all day and can't anymore so I just fall apart. Wow. I understand. This feels so huge. Maybe now I can try to figure out how to address it rather than just feeling guilty and mad at myself for it. Thank you.
Just recognizing you are like this is huge! It is so easy to take the stress out on our loved ones. I'm working on that too! Very imperfectly but working on it .Recognition is a big step towards this goal. Our partners deserve hugs and appreciation for putting up with us!
I'm a teacher with ADHD and I needed and need more of this SO much! Thank you for posting this! Could you point me in the direction of a video that talks about the after school burnout and mental load for kids and strategies for them so that I can direct parents to it?? Thanks!
I saw she posted something about school starting,just in the last week. Check her videos page for recent, but I'm not sure if that would be what u r looking for
In a time of my life when I was really really stressed and overwhelmed. I used a system when I'd set an alarm for a time for the day when I was generally mostly calm (it was 5:30pm for me for some reason) and I would make that "Decision making time" and I'd give myself half an hour to make the decisions that I had been putting off all day. Sometimes this included deciding what clothes to wear, or if I was going to take a shower. It was a real life saver when I was very overwhelmed and felt like I couldn't function. It also made me feel like I had done something, even if it was late in the day, so it gave me momentum to get doing other things.
What's interesting to me about listening to this conversation is that as someone who grew up in a neurodivergent and diverse family, I don't always think of losing one's temper as emotional dysregulation, but just as being emotional. I may be wrong, but surely neurotypical people get angry and frustrated and express those emotions more or less appropriately. I do recognize emotional dysregulation when it occurs, but there's a difference between dealing with emotions and going way off the rails. The most helpful thing to me in managing my own mental load was the process of gradually learning how to help my children manage theirs. Parenting my children taught me how to better parent myself. Yes, I have had to mourn some of my dreams of the kind of person I thought I might be and to give time and space for that process in my life. But that rule that Jessica mentioned "to do more, do less" has held true for me. As I let go of the dream of being able to do more at one point, I notice that I actually do get to many things in the long term. That in fact, in the long term, I'm accomplishing more than I expected.
When you get emotionally dysregulated, you haven't processed or even identified your emotions properly. Oftentimes it gets buried and forgotten, suppressed. So when stuff like this piles up too much, you no longer can handle it and explode. That's how you get emotional. These two terms are not mutually exclusive.
Currently, my mental load is heavy due to isolation-like a lot of people in their 20’s and 30’s (especially in the LGBTQIA+ community), I live alone and don’t have a lot of support and understanding from my family. The stress of having to manage a household by myself on top of ADHD means that I am constantly doing the work of two people, without the opportunity to delegate tasks to a partner (and most tools to help single people manage this cost money). I’m still figuring out how to lighten my mental load in this regard, but being aware of the fact that I’ve been given unrealistic expectations by society has help me accept where I’m at. I’m also working to build my social circles-specifically other queer and/or neurodivergent people who I feel safe unmasking and being myself around.
It may be worth checking if your city or town has an LGBTQ+ support group. I have been going to a local nonbinary and trans support group here I only recently found and it does wonders for morale! Hope you find your people :)
I have Adhd and am nonbinary and am pre top surgery. Just started a new job recently and get misgendered a decent amount more than when I was on a break after graduate school. This pulls me out of my thoughts a lot and I start spiraling about how maybe if I wasn’t so feminine people wouldn’t gender me wrong as much and etc. I haven’t found much of a solution other than trying to calm myself by remembering that I am currently on the way to top surgery and that more thought provoking work can help me stay out of my thoughts and more in the present. This being said too, if you’re able to in future videos to try and use more gender neutral language that would be great. My brain kept thinking about all the gendered language being used throughout the whole video instead of fully focusing cause I felt like I wasn’t being included. I understand you still need to use gendered language when talking about some specific groups but if you could try and use gender neutral language when you can that would be amazing. Thanks!
Coming out and eventually finding community has definitely been healing for me, and it certainly makes other parts of life easier (or at least worth struggling throught). And as a bonus, when you find queer community you're probably finding a neurodivergent community too. I hope you can find yours soon ❤
After work restraint collapse is such a big thing. When I come home, I just lay in bed for 30-45 minutes just so I can reset and be the at home version of myself.
I used to use the bus ride home for this, which is why now I understand why I hated when my flatmate would ride it home with me. I needed the down time
A friend once told me they used to have a very large pet snake they let roam free in the house, but for safety, had to keep little spray bottles of vodka within reach in every room, just in case the snake started constricting someone and needed to be dissuaded. I think about that principle a lot when I am organising my home. E.g., I keep (reusable) bottles of water next to my bed and next to the couch, to reduce the mental load of the task of getting up to get a drink of water -- which feels pathetic when I write it out, but really does help when I am thirsty and getting up feels like too much. And, re: your never-having-a-pen problem: I solved that for myself by buying a huge pack of cheap ballpoint pens and stashing them in strategic locations around the house, and in the pockets of every coat and bag that I own. They do gradually disappear, but solving "never having a pen" with "deliberate overabundance of pens" turned out to be a surprisingly cheap solution.
One of the challenges and delights of having ADHD is how easily we go off on tangents. I just stopped while reading your comment and shared with my partner about the snake and now I'm going to look up whether squirting vodka on a constrictor really will help to save the life of one's guests. L0L! (But yes, stashing objects around - like extra pairs of my eye glasses is really helpful!)
The “Can I help you” I hear a lot and it makes me crazy. So much more stress. This tip of asking the person to give a choice of how they can help is genius! I can’t wait to try it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you
As someone who understands this struggle, I notice when people need help and I usually ask "Would you like me to do [Insert one of the many tasks needed; Dinner, dishes, vacuum, etc]?" and it's way easier for my husband to say "Yes" and now have to worry about one less thing. It's rewarding for me as well to know I have 1 task that's helping, and the reward I get from that task, is knowing it's helpful.
If the individual with ADHD gets overwhelmed, having lost routines , stress as a result of being overwhelmed can cause anxiety and eventually depression.
@@Metqa I'm with you, trying to recover after being stuck in bed most days. I emerged from an over month long on and off migraine attack in August. It is so hard because I somehow don't know what my routine ever looked like or how I managed things previously?? I've been trying to use a daily notebook so I can know what I actually managed to accomplish
One thing for remembering future dates is to use the future log from the bullet journal method - even if you don't bullet journal, you can use the blank notes pages in a regular calendar to make a note of everything coming up. Might not work like that for everyone, but just in case: I have a section for the next quarter, the following either half year or two quarters separated (depending on how granular I already know the dates, as a choir singer that might be tour dates or bigger family events...), and then one for "next year and onward". That way I have the reminder when I migrate into a new calendar, plus I can put it on the monthly/weekly list when the time arrives; and if it resolves before the dedicated time, I can stop migrating it.
1) I pull certain items out of my clothes dryer when they are not fully dry, so as soon as I enter the living room after starting the dryer, I tell Alexa to set a 20-minute timer. I can almost always remember to do that and don't have to try to remember the stupid laundry. 2) ANYTHING planned goes on my Google calendar. Either a task or an actual event. 3) Make a to-do list for tomorrow right before you leave/finish work for the day. Put aside 10 to 15 minutes to look at yesterday's list you've been marking off, transfer any remaining items, and then add new ones. It's ready to go the next morning, and you don't have to keep thinking about the tasks all night. 4) My blind senior dog can no longer get herself back to the door after she potties. I put a flip-over timer next to the door so I don't forget she's out there. Every time I let her out, that timer gets flipped and goes with me to wherever I'm sitting.
How do you get Alexa to actually set the timer correctly? I've tried multiple times and she repeats back to me that she set the timer, but then never tells me when it "goes off". Sometimes I get a notification on my phone when it goes off, but she never tells me, out loud, where I need it. Notifications on my phone are useless because my phone doesn't work right, and I'm not used to looking at it all the time anyway. I also keep it silenced because it's just flat out annoying, but I can easily go days without looking at it only to find it dead.
I definitely rely heavily on Google Calendar but I've tried the planning thing and I can't seem to make it work. Even if I remember to do it or set a reminder, focus gets harder and harder by the end of the day and I can't seem to muster the will power or ability to wrangle my brain by the end of the day to do it.
I'v really struggled with perfectionism and the fear of forgetting / doing things wrong...... one therapist I had once ask me - "could I make space in my life for mistakes?" - the answer was yes! (although it can be super hard) now I try to imagine there is this big old space in my head for a mistake if I feel I've made one and can't bare the feelings. I can kind of feel the mistake feelings and try to grow space all around it to let it be there. If I make a space for it in my head it seems to diffuse after a bit instead of the stress, strain and panic I experience if I try to squish it out of my brain as quickly as possible by fixing it and trying to avoid the reality that I ever made it. Really enjoyed this video thank you :)
As an international student on their second semester in the US. Trying to manage my healthcare appointments, part time job, classes, research and actually remembering to do the basics like eat and take my meds. This video is a boon. Thank you to Jessica for consistently coming out with the content that we didn't ask for but we absolutely need. It's like she read my mind that i needed this today. I'm so excited to get my hands on her book and figure out more.
I am saving this video because it made me feel so seen. It's such a relief to know all of the issues I face are common for people with ADHD, and it's not something wrong with just me.
Jessica you look amazing as a new Mom! It's cool that you have a baby the same age my mother had me. ADHD is gonna help you a lot to stay young mentally, which is really important for a happy childhood. Maybe not appreciated until after puberty, at least I didn't, but bonding with children about silly stuff or hard stuff is so strong.
I'm 22 minutes in so far and this may be the most relatable video I have ever watched on any topic ever. Seriously. Thank you for the tips AND thank you for normalizing these challenges that I often feel like I am alone in my ongoing quest to manage.
Gah, this was so flippin relatable! My husband has ADHD and I -- think I have something but I'm not sure exactly what anyway I - feel like I'm carrying the mental load for our lives as a couple, plus my life, plus a lot of the logistical and planning and "administrative" elements of his life, plus my professional life, which specifically involves carrying a lot of the mental load for our company and my boss -- and I just always feel like I'm having to keep track of EVERYTHING and just being aware of it all feels like a full time job, never mind actually executing on anything. Ugh, and YES on delegating -- it can feel like more work than just doing the thing myself because then I have to take the time to explain the task, provide resources, follow up, and plan around whether or not/when it'll be done. Plus the emotional labor of trying to be pleasant and cheery/professional about it and striking the balance of not coming off like I'm micromanaging or checking out completely.
This video is a blessing. I've been struggling with my mental load but not entirely realizing that that's why I'm struggling so much and why I'm so exhausted. This video has put so much into perspective for me and many of the tips and strategies mentioned actually made me pause and go "wow that's really good, I'm writing that one down." Thank you so much for making this video and having this discussion!!
One thing I wish moms knew from the beginning is that you will fail your children; you will do things that leave permanent scars. Most of your fears will come true. AND (most importantly) your children will be fine, and you aren't a failure. Being perfect is an impossible expectation for yourself. Take a deep breath and let that go, please. You can let the past go and focus on the good you want to do in the future.
This is so hard! My son has autism and ADHD. So much of how we parented him when he was younger makes me cringe hardcore and have so much parenting guilt. Looking back, I realize that my husband and I were just so overwhelmed and both undiagnosed. I've now been diagnosed with ADHD and we suspect autism potentially for both of us, hubby may have ADHD as well....I mean it is genetic, but I digress. Yeah we were overstimulated and reactive and had no idea how to accommodate ourselves, let alone our son that was dealing with a lot of the same. Thank goodness for perspective and learning and having the humility to apologize to my kid. He's almost 14 now and our household is less reactive and more accommodating. We're not perfect by any means, but we're always striving to do better. Sorry for the way too personal info-dump.
@teamstayinthecircle Thank you for sharing! I needed to hear this. My past is a little like your son's, but my parents won't acknowledge anything. Hearing that parents can do that gives me hope for my future. I didn't realize how important it is to hear about peoples successes until recently. I appreciate you, thank you!
@@teamstayinthecircleYou do the best you can at the time with the information you have. ❤ I'm personally working through 40+ years of undiagnosed AuDHD myself, even though I suspect both my parents have ADHD and one is Level 1 ASD. Did they get it wrong? Absolutely. Do I have scars? Yes. BUT. I know they love me. I know my uninformed attempts to manage me without help actually strengthened skills I use everyday. Honesty with our kids matters, and the ability to say we're wrong, we're sorry, and to ask for their forgiveness. Kids have more capacity for grace than we often expect - though teen years might not be the best place to start full disclosure due to emotional dysregulation & puberty! 😂
What an important and not talked about enough topic. The mental load that women, especially women with children at various stages of development) is overwhelming and throw in some ADHD and beating yourself up that you can't do it all. You have spoken to so many women with this youtube. There is so much here it could be talked about for years! I have always told my kids that I am fallible, that I struggle with things the same that they can and that we are all working on becoming more empathetic and better people all the time. My two boys are also ADHD which makes the entire equation that much more complicated. Admitting to them when you don't feel your best, or you are overwhelmed and showing them how to take care of yourself is another really great strategy to teach them how to learn to regulate themselves as well.
I’m alone, in my 50s, self diagnosed ADHD inattentive type and aside from therapy, trying new things. The things that work: 1. phone with lots of alarms. 2. Paper calendar with lots of space to write. 3. Weekly calendar planning on Sundays. When my focus is on planning I do better considering I don’t really sense time well. 4. A sheet with typical recurring duties for the week I use on Sundays as reference. 5. Calendar kept in key visual places to remind me it exists. 6. Just recently devised spreadsheet with various projects in life with spaces for priority, date assigned to myself, date completed and a comment section to discuss with me on how the plan went, was it on time? etc. 7. Emotional stuff: Therapist, journaling, quiet time especially in nature, trying to do better with meditation, exercise, diet. 8. post-its. 9. checklists on a legal pad when a procedure has too many steps. 10. Keep things in precisely the same space all the time if it’s part of my habits OR if it’s new, intentionally put it in a place it is NOT supposed to be depending on the circumstance. 11. If I think of a thing. Run straight to the calendar or grocery list or whatever and write it down ASAP.
Something I've started doing this year is keeping a To-Do Journal. I put some stuff on there every day (like take meds) that I know I'll get done so that I can put a checkmark by it and get some dopamine. At night, I write down what I want to get done the next day. This way is out of my brain, and I can go to sleep easier. During the day when I accomplish something, I checkmark it for my instant dopamine and if I do something that wasn't on the list then I add it so I can mark it as done. The biggest trick that made this work for me, though, was allowing myself to not complete everything on the list that I WANTED to do. Changing my mindset to "it's not the end of the world, and you're not a sucky, lazy person" if you don't do everything you wanted to do. If I don't get something done, then I just draw a line through it and move it to the next day. There's always tomorrow. Also, the pen and the notebook have a home right next to my bed, and they get put in their home when getting ready for bed.
This really taught me alot of things that I needed to hear, and my ADHD makes me ruminate like crazy, and I've been dealing with a crazy amount of mood swings with some emotional Dysregulation, and What surprised me to the most was setting lower standards for myself. I had never thought about that before, and while I'm at work I have a huge expectation to finish things from my co-workers, which puts alot of pressure on me/stress that I am holding back, and sometimes I've snapped, and this is a great tool to add to my long list of things that I've already put in place, thank you for putting this out! I'm definitely going to be watching this a few more times!
Have you heard of Gretchen Rubin and her Four Tendencies? Not ADHD-specific, but what you're describing at work is what she calls "Obliger rebellion." I struggle with this too.
This is so timely. My work just shifted and now I have more of a mental load there. I just watched a video on organized people. They said we often try to rely on our brains but we should be storing things in a database if we want to remember it. Doing this helps remove that item off the pile of things to remember
I appreciate that you kept this video, and many of your other videos relatively short. I rarely finish a video that’s over 30 minutes and I definitely don’t absorb as much information from longer videos. I love getting this much info in a video that I have the capacity to listen to. I forget to listen and have to rewind like every 5-10 minutes, which makes hour long videos nearly impossible. lol it’s almost like you have ADHD and totally understand us or something 🤪
I use lighting to remind me about laundry. My laundry room is right next to the bathroom, so if I leave the lights on in the laundry room I’ll see that they’re on whenever I go to the bathroom. The light stays on until the laundry is out of the dryer. I also leave the light on in the kitchen at night until after I’ve taken evening pills and got myself water for next to my bed. I’m glad I live alone because if anyone else moved things around I’d never remember what’s going on.
Externalizing is huge. I put absolutely everything I can into notes and calendar appointments, task lists, etc. (e.g. check the furnace filter, check the water softener, check the sump pump systems, changed batteries in xxxx on...) Send emails to others as soon as I think of things. Call and make that appointment. Routines. Consistently putting things in the exact same place. All of the things you talk about to stay organized and ahead. And you are right about "zooming out" when you are melting down. Asking for help? I am lousy at that still but I need to do it even more. And men really do get as overloaded as women....lots...especially when one has ADHD! It's just that the things that overload us are typically different. The lawn needs mowing, the stumps need grinding...when am I going to fix those popped nails in the drywall in the bathroom...the faucet is leaking again...the snow blower needs serious maintenance...will I ever fix the old lawn mower? my boss dumped a new college class on me that I have to teach and told me days before the class starts (no kidding it happened last week!)....the cars need maintenance...is my job secure? what will the elections mean for the economy and where I work... (I could go on a while!) Watch and listen to ua-cam.com/video/1rKpgZRrJlQ/v-deo.html and cry and feel comforted...I do. Oh good. I'm not the only one who feels this way!
Thanks so much for this! I needed to hear that it´s OK to feel so constantly exhausted. You asked what overloads me and makes me so exhausted... it´s financial stress. I am a single mom who is really struggling to get steady income and the weird thing is that the more desperate my situation is, the more exhausted and shut down and unable to take the action steps needed to get stable. Then when I get some money, I am so relieved I get exhausted again with a flood of letdown emotions from dire worry and I just want to sleep some more, instead of get busy getting on the steps i know I need to take to get steady income. Such a hamster wheel. I really liked the tip about what three things do i need to do today to make this day a success. That takes a big mental load off. Love your videos and topics, Jessica. Thanks for keeping them coming despite your busy life. So many UA-cam content creators are announcing they are too burnt out to continue so I am glad to see your content keep coming.
I use my reminders app and calendar app extensively. When I put a task in my calendar I can also factor in the length of time it will take as well as schedule breaks in between tasks. And I can review my plans for the next day the night before. I set reminders for EVERYTHING! Even for feeding the cat or taking my meds for or flossing my teeth. Otherwise I’ll forget even if it’s something I’ve done every day for years.
Today, after a lifetime of emotional issues, anxiety disorders, failed relationships, job loss and hitting rock bottom I was diagnosed with Combined ADHD, and Emily you have been a huge help and your ted talk was the ultimate wake up call for me. THANK YOU ❤
Thank you so much I am usually crying a bit after the how to adhd and this really is so important what you two have talked about here. ❤❤❤❤❤Thank you thank you
I am a high school English teacher, and I am worn out most days because of how much effort it takes to stay focused. Thank you for this video. It’s so nice to hear other adults also struggle to just keep thoughts in their heads. I am going to try some of these techniques.
I just love how you explained the term mental load both colloquially as well as in the research world. I love listening to really smart people who are astute enough to both notice differences in things and have the ability to explain the differences so well! ❤❤❤
Jess, becoming a parent broke my brain and my tools no longer worked. I had 3 kids before I got an ADHD dx and absolutely the mental load of having children blew up all my tools. Wonderful, wouldn't change that part -- but I wish I had known about the ADHD and was able to prepare.
PREACH. Was home full-time with 2 kids for more than a decade before I got my ADHD diagnosis. I couldn't figure out how I was a successful programmer/engineer in corporate world, but SAHM seemed to break my brain. So. many. things. to. remember.
Oh my goodness. I don't have kids or a partner and just hearing Jessica talk about trying to sleep and going through everything you do mentally made me start to get anxious! LOL I just started a new job and it's kicking my butt mentally. I have a hard time even knowing if I've set my day up right because there are so many pieces, but I just keep working at it. I have a new routine, I'm trying to get to work earlier so I can have quiet time to plan my day, and also making sure that I take my full lunch downtime to just not think much. This video has really helped me realize that my inability to Do The Things when I get home is not a failure, but just my body and brain saying Hey! Sit down! :D
Here's what works for me when it comes to sleep, when hyperfocus doesn't cause me to NOT fully process it. I have alarms reminding me to wind down. There are also pills, melatonin, I HAVE to take at a specific time or they don't work as well. Having a name set for the alarm so they can be read aloud SOMETIMES helps. The problem is, the name is read aloud AFTER the alarm sound starts, instead of at the SAME TIME, so sometimes I'll quickly swipe it, then wonder at the next alarm, "Did the last one even go off?" The multiple alarms CAN knock me out of hyperfocus, which is why I have so many. 8:30 PM: Bedtime Soon. 9:30: Pills reminder. 9:45: Start wrapping up [on the computer] 10:00: Need to be done [on the computer and EVERYTHING for the day] 10:30: Take your pills 11:00: Last call for pills 11:30: Last call [for pills/need to be in bed] - If I'm in bed, I turn this one off, to be activated again the next day. From 10:00-11:30, I want to be doing something to wind me down, like reading and/or watching a movie in bed. I can't NOT have some sort of sound playing in the background or my brain will think of EVERYTHING, which defeats the purpose of winding down and being done at 10:00 PM. Also, if you decide to do this, the SOUND you pick for the al.arm is important. Having the sound you use when you get up in the morning play when you're winding down could fuck up EVERYTHING!
This was an interesting video. I've never understood why bullet journaling was such a gamechanger for me, but mental load is clearly why. I'm not even doing that much more stuff, just way less stressed about it
I learn so much when I listen to you and get to come down from the ceiling. My brain says, "Go.go, go," but at the same time screams, "No, no, no!" I didn't learn balance, nor self-forgiveness. You're helping me.
Amazing timing. Struggling with this a lot. I'm interested in how to recover from a huge mental load. I need a whole day to recover from the mental load from day before.
I am very grateful for this discussion. I am not a mom, but I manage a team and find it so hard to help them work together better when my mental workload is overloaded all the time. Got a lot of great nuggets from this!
Saving this point for myself at 9:23. When I get home from work and still have to cook, clean, get my son ready for the next day, get my things ready for the next day, sometimes I end up sitting down for a second, and end up losing time. Then I'm trying to just get the most important things done, and it feels like almost nothing gets done. Meanwhile my brain is screaming at me how exhausted I am.
i have alarms on my cell phone that go off constantly (annoying others, and at times myself) but they help a lot. Also many already mentioned: the whiteboard, and I keep a notebook of daily lists. i use it regularly for about 6 weeks and then fall off the wagon, but i now get back to it a little faster each time. Those lists are very helpful. they used to be horribly long, but I will put into practice a defined amount of tasks that would make my day "successful: THANK YOU!! Sleep!!! thank you for the validation of how important sleep is!!! Your video has really been helpful to me. I didn't even know ADHD was the cause of the emotional deregulation (if I got the term right). Oh It helps so much to know there is a REASON I am "nuts!" Thank you! I am 58. Got diagnosed about 6 years ago. SOOO much I still don't know. Your videos are VERY helpful !
With things like scheduling doctors appointments, I throw a reminder on my phone and repeat it every day for a long time, at minimum a month. That way if I cannot handle it on the day of the first reminder, I know it'll remind me tomorrow and I don't feel guilty not doing it.
Wow. What a great discussion! Not sure if someone else mentioned this, but when you mentioned after school restraint collapse, I thought of the old 1950’s image of the father coming home from work (because his wife was home “not working”) and how he had to have the paper, his slippers, and no children in his face for a little while. Chris rock made great jokes about this too. (Like give me a minute when I put my foot in the doorway before you start telling me about every problem). I personally resonated with the question “what can I do to help?” This drives me crazy! I’ll be trying to do one or more things , usually under some time constraint, and I’m feeling overwhelmed, so I say “I need help please!” (which is already a struggle to admit) and I’m met with “what is it you want me to do???” And I usually answer “can you use your eyes to see what needs to be done because I’m already juggling.”
I absolutely love your channel. I have known about my ADHD most of my life. 45 + years. I have noticed in different stages my symptoms change in to new challenges. I am now a mom of a 5 year old who has a disability herself. So managing myself so I cam help her and navigate the supports she needs and the things I need to remember and set up so she can function well is yet another layer. No wonder I am struggling to sleep and have nightmares of the piles of clutter I have yet to tackle! I love your channel keep up the good work!
I use a kanban for this, a whiteboard divided in three (todo, busy, done) and move postits from left (todo) to mid (busy) do the thing and move it to the right (done)...helps me nicely as the kanban board is placed prominently in the house...
I personally am not diagnosed, and my husband isn't really of the idea that he has adhd but I know him and I both struggle with neurodivergence and we've just not had the time to reach out for help. We're two completely different people, with different ways to cope, and some similarities. Something helping me, is listening to podcasts while I do tasks to keep my brain from thinking. My body will go into autopilot, and next thing you know everything is done, and same goes for him. But we know NOT to interact with the other when we get into that zone, because when we are broken out of it, it's gone for days or even months. I've finally begun willpowering myself out of a rut I've been in for half a year now, and honestly, it makes me emotional to listen to this channel while I do my chores, as it keeps my body going, and keeps my brain going in a more productive way rather than spinning in circles. I feel validated hearing your conversations. I've been doing good for myself in most places but bad in others but it's helping to focus on the ones I'm doing really good at and leave the bad to fix when I'm done with my current tasks. I know it's a spew, but my entire point being is my solutions are different from my husbands, and whether or not we have adhd, we've been slowly but surely finding our ways to cope, and it's doing wonders ❤
Bit of a tangent, but I was so happy to see that Understood was sponsoring this video. Both you and them played a huge role in me first finding out about my ADHD back in 2019.
I love adhd aha!! If u are an adult dealing with adhd, and feeling like you’re the only adult struggling, its great to see other adults struggling just like u.
Finding out that "Delayed sleep phase disorder" is an actual thing just halved the ammount of arguing with my brain I do. This channel is a god send! :)
What I always get from your videos is to understand why I do things the way I do them. This alone is such a big help. Just understanding the fact "This is because of the ADHD! And it's completely normal because of that". Understanding helps me coming up with actually helpful strategies instead of unhealthy ones, which I built my whole life, just to cope and fit some unrealistic standards. I feel like with your videos I'm seen and I'm not alone. And one thing that echoed deep within me and made me tear up from this video: It's not your fault. This simple phrase just strikes a nerve, something that is so deeply rooted within me. Most likely a believe system that was taught me from a young age that I also did put onto myself just by watching others and not understanding why I'm not like them. Or I just didn't see that they're struggling with, too and also just masked away. So thank you for your content. Ever since I stumbled on your one of your videos more than a year ago, I finally got to the roots of my decade of anxiety and depression. It was just ADHD. I got diagnosed and treated and in that past year since then, the depressive symptoms are gone. So far that I, for the first time in 15 years, am completely off of anti depressants. My internal anxiety is reduced to a level that it's not recognizable most of the time and only occasionally spikes up. And even then I can deal with it, because of the new strategies I implemented. A lot of these strategies come from you or I was able to come up with them, because of your content. Because your content always resonates with me so deeply, I bought your book when it came out. Even though I wish I had read more then just a couple of pages... I don't stress about it too much. Am I convinced that I still can gain so much from it? Yes. But it's fine if I still put it aside until I feel like it? Of course, my mental load was occupied with my focus on my mental health for so long, I think I deserve a break from dealing with it. Like Numb Bug from Emily Beihold so perfectly puts it "A little bit tired of tryin' to care when I don't, a little bit tired of quick repairs to cope".
Shared notes app with my partner. Everything goes on a shared list or note - groceries, manuals, passwords, stuff we have (appliances or otherwise referenced items while out), ideas for our wedding, notes about house projects, gifts, everything.
I've been putting off this video bc i felt i was in a too emotional a headspace back when this came out but I'm so glad I found it in my watch later list on a better day today. I relate a lot to practically everything you two shared, even despite not having kids or multiperson household to run. Collapsing after work, getting emotional, needing to compensate for mistakes right away or i won't be able to stop fixating on it, making the load bigger because i'm scared to forget, even down to the not always asking for help because it feels like too much effort. Maybe it's bc being single makes the load heavier sometimes, since you can't share it with someone closeby? I especially liked Laura's different coping mechanisms because I came up with a lot of similar things and it makes me feel better about needing them
Do you have a video that deals with changing social situations/ plans and ways to avoid a meltdown every time it happens? My relationships , work & personal have been affected like this my entire life. Then my mental load is too much, and I just shut down causing negative reactions all around me. Your videos have helped a lot the last two years, love them, and keep doing what you do!
This showed up for me just days after I snapped from carrying around a lot of the mental load. Thank you for putting it in words that I couldn’t think of ❤️ this will really help me explain how I’m thinking and feeling as a person with ADHD to my NT husband ❤️
Yes about offering multiple choice help options! If we knew how to do the thing ourselves we wouldn't need help so offering solutions proactively is huge! I think I'm really good at this when other people need my help. Maybe it's an ADHD thing too? I can see a bunch of different ways that might solve an issue and I can actively offer my help if it's wanted or needed. People (regardless of neurotype) seem to appreciate this.
Let us know what strategies help you manage your mental load. ALSO, check out my interview with Laura on the ADHD Aha! podcast: lnk.to/adhdahajc!youtube
Google Docs!
Make a checklist.
... for EVERYTHING! ☺
@@DaleESkywalkerno
@@Paulmotea "Let us know what strategies help *you* manage your mental load." means _what works for me._
Using a bullet journal has been a lifesaver for me.
A vitamins and meds hack I've found on the Internet that has worked charms for me is this : If you have a cat, always give it treats After you took it (or gave it to your kids). You may forget, but the cat will get the pattern and will be following you meowing until you take the meds. My cat has now become my support animal. We have co-conditionned yourselves
oh my god this is the cutest thing ever! i need a cat haha
I might have to get better treats then
Yes!! I intentionally trained my cats to expect treats in the morning, so that I can't sleep in too late. A++ strat
your car is now the cat with the job😊
I have 2 little dogs. I’m definitely starting this today!
"It's unrealistic to expect yourself to manage your symptoms perfectly" wow i needed that
Same :)
As someone with ADHD thank you SO MUCH for chapters with useful descriptions on a video this long. Makes your content very approachable. Love long form content even if my mind doesn't.
Thank you for that! Yeah we used to try to keep the videos super short but some topics need a deeper dive. Glad you still find it accessible with the chapters :)
It is literally the BEST of both worlds. I like long videos myself and yes, the ADHD kind of hinders a lot. Very valid perspective in my book!
This! Yes! 🙌🏼
Oh my god yes 🙌 Greatest feature since sliced bread
I was trying to take notes and kept missing items. This helped!
The first half of this video is a deep discussion on the mental load -- what it is, why it's so challenging for those of us with ADHD -- that I personally found really validating and insightful. If you want to skip straight to the strategies -- 17:27 :)
needs a pin - or at least it will
Thank you for talking about it. I haven't been officially diagnosed, but the way you describe it for people with adhd sounds exactly like what I've been going through.
@@SqueamishPuppet I urge you go ahead and see an ADHD therapist to get diagnosed For me at least it was relief to find out why I was seemingly sabotaging relationships and productivity. I took my partner with me and that really helped.
Some more timestamps to make it a bit more digestible 🙂
Strategies to lighten the mental load
- 17:47 Strategy #1: Offer choices
- 19:28 Strategy #2: Externalize as much as possible
- 21:36 Strategy #3: Create visual cues
- 22:20 Strategy #4: Have less stuff to manage (at once)
- 24:16 Strategy #5: Set reminders
- 25:45 Strategy #6: Delegate entire areas of responsibility
Strategies to manage emotional dysregulation
- 28:09 Strategy #7: Be kind to yoursef
- 28:54 Strategy #8: Get sleep!
- 29:28 Strategy #9: Get some perspective
thank you for doing this!!
also make some new content. You keep repeating the same tips, and they aren't enough
VIP
@@RapotatoGAMING Aw thanks for watching enough of my videos that it's starting to feel repetitive :) I did just came out with the book this year if you haven't checked it out it's got a TON of great stuff, some of which isn't on the channel. howtoadhdbook.com/
Is there anything specific you're looking for tips about?
@@RapotatoGAMING
Don't forget the huge back catalogue. There are treasures there too...
I didn't know that I had ADHD until I was in my 60's. While I was single, I dealt with the stress by going home, unplugging the phone, changing into comfortable clothes, making a cup of tea and reading until falling asleep. Sometimes I didn't eat anything until morning. After marriage and a child, I would give myself a time out. When I could, I would block out sounds, lights and focus on something soothing. I would set a timer and found that after I could focus on what I needed to do. When I was diagnosed my doctor encouraged me to take time outs more often. P.S. Watching channels like this help too.
I see you and thanks. we coped intelligently in so many ways .But life is better with these advocates streaming for us!
I take mommy timeouts too!
So, I've known I was ADHD from a young age(13ish) and learned I ALSO struggle with my Autism at a young adult(22ish).
What was it like learning this about yourself at the age you did?
@@AlisonCurrin42 The first response is "wow that tracks". Also long journey to see what is true for me. For instance I have to titrate meds WAYY down, and I meditate and draw. I love remembering adults who seemed to value my way of being without there being any words for the thing.
Oh wow, that's me too! My me-time is UA-cam to regulate now. I live in a small apt with my kids and miss the peace and quiet to be able to read for hours... they are getting older though and it's not forever!
My son that I didn't know had ADHD and then found out he did would breakdown everyday after school. To the point I dreaded him coming home, but also was motivated to find out what was going on. So what we did was have a time set aside after he came home to get a snack and just vege and then we'd get to homework. But then this year my husband helped me tweak it where we set timers that go off to help us transition. It helps me cause I don't have to keep looking at the clock, and has lessened my mental load. It helps him because we have a posted schedule and the timers trigger the change not me so there is a seperation and I am not always the bad guy. He also knows what he needs to do because we have a simple homework list and the timer has a reminder of what is next. So when it goes off it says "reading time". He has been so much calmer this year it's been awesome.
This is really helpful for me! I'm not a parent, but I struggle so much with task transition, and this is a great way to do it. Thank you!
This is so great! Im so happy you found a working theme & "program" that works fir u and ur child. Pleaee share what this timer is ur using that lets u program the actual voice prompt of the task also....i cud really use it for myself. 🙂🙃
It sounds like you’ve found such a great system for your son and yourself! That transition period after school can be so overwhelming for kids with ADHD, and I love how you’ve implemented timers and a posted schedule to create a sense of structure and independence for him. The idea of using the timers to cue transitions instead of you having to do it is brilliant - it really helps remove that feeling of always being the one enforcing rules. As a therapist, I see how powerful small adjustments like these can be in reducing stress for both parents and children. It’s amazing to hear how much calmer he’s been this year! I also create content on therapy and mental health, so feel free to check it out if you're interested. Keep up the great work!
I call this “decompression”. My ADHD-6th grader goes to my parents after school. My mom complains that he spaces-out when getting off the bus. I told my mom he MUST DECOMPRESS before starting homework. Let him watch ONE Pokémon-episode, play w/ their dogs a bit, then start on schoolwork
@@carryjgful I have an app on my phone called "voice recorder" and you can record any message you want and then when you go to set the alarm on your phone you can select the file that matches the purpose the alarm is for. ZEDGE is an app that also has lots of notifications and ring tones that I like.
Journaling helps so much because sometimes you start writing about one thing and you end up getting through so much that was sitting on your mind and it really reduces your mental load
Yes! The good ole data dump! This is something I do without realizing it's a strategy to off load the brain clutter. Unfortunately, I only do this after I've started to feel overwhelmed and just bogged down.
I have so much ODD with journaling -- it's like a bitter medicine. Good for me, I feel better after; but it's hard to get there
I suppose I can use a Dani Donovan tip to do an adjacent task; or I can reset the bar on the expectation to write "everything" and just write 5 words to set the intention and the habit.
I started a research diary within the last few months because I was struggling so much with memory and writing during my PhD. It's been really good for my writing and for capturing references as well as showing how I worked thru feeling like crap at the beginning of the day to writing at least something by the end. It's not perfect but I have tabs for particular types of info or where I've written about a theme or if it's writing tips or hey go look this up. It does mean I have to actively read thru what I've got to flag them which makes me feel like it's not just a black hole of writing and information like many of my old notebooks
The rare times I try it, I end up in physical pain from typing for like 8+ hours straight and super depressed, crying, then get to deal with a 2 day long migraine afterwards. It also doesn't help me at all. Nothing gets solved, I don't feel better, in fact I end up feeling worse, emotionally and physically.
My sisters and I don't live with or even near each other, but we sometimes ask each other to order takeout for us when we can't even make a choice scrolling through Doordash etc. I used to feel so inadequate and I wouldn't eat because I couldn't make a choice. When we started doing this, we affirmed for each other that it's fine to say "I'm too exhausted to think about, please think for me"
That is probably why I'm one of those people who orders the same thing from the same restaurant every week. It's not so much about the routine, as it is the overwhelm of trying to pick something that isn't a "safe item" with a tired brain. I don't always have the bandwidth to navigate what's safe for my allergies and also is a good price.
“After Work Restraint Collapse” explained most of my life. Thank you.
There’s one weird thing I do as a visual cue to help me keep track of what I’m looking for when I’ve lost something. I’ll mimic using the item I’m looking for with my hands-like if I’m looking for scissors, I’ll making a cutting gesture with my hand while I look, or a writing gesture if I’m looking for a pen, that kind of ASL “y” gesture (hand in a fist with pinky and thumb extended) with your hand of a phone if I’m looking for that, etc. It helps me remember what I’m looking for in case I get distracted by something else while looking, then forget to find the thing. Really helps!
Yes! I've always done this too! More subconsciously than anything else, but it does help.
Same! When looking for an object, doing the action (scissors, ironing) also helps when I can't even remember the word, but someone looking at me guesses, and I breathe a sigh of relief.
@@onceuponamelody I saw a friend of mine in college with ADHD do it, and I picked up on it. Such a great life hack lol
Yes! This! Or I open and close my hand when looking for the oven mitt (ours are more puppet-like than mitten-like). Especially when word finding is so difficult. Like I know what they are - oven mitt, or scissors, or pen, or whatever - and I've got the word in my head for it - but it just won't come out of my mouth. I'll just tell my kids, "Give me the - the - the - the (meanwhile something's burning) - the - (make oven mitt gesture)" and they'll eventually get it and as soon as it's in hand my brain turns back on and says "oven mitt"...
I do this too!!
I have ADHD, a four-month old, kindergartener, and third grader, and tomorrow is the first day of school. Today has been terrible. This video has made me feel so seen.
Am sorry tough, hope rest of your week goes better
i rememebr when i use to do that and it helped but its too much to do now
God bless you. Do what you can and be ok with that! ❤
A big hug flying over the water to you from a mother of two, they are grown ups now. I struggled a lot and they still love me. You will be loved too, I'm sure.
I only have one kid, i empathize
Daily journaling- even if all I write is the date, time, and "I don't know what to write." 99% of the time I start writing more afterwards anyways. That's what helps my mental load and I keep forgetting that.
This was really well timed because I've been really burnt out and struggling but it reminded me that's something I used to do and it really centered me.
Ooh! I like this.
This is a brilliant comment I endorse.
This is my spin on your idea: My school introduced me to the idea of a "commonplace book". Although my school commonplace book is mostly for insightful things authors in my schoolbooks said that teachers assign you to write, I've transferred that idea to my other "life" commonplace book. That is the one notebook where there is no rules: anything I want/need to remember or mentally dump is welcome. It is also great to look back on it once you've filled it up.
I feel like I could write an entire book on this (not qualified though) so thanks for coming to my ted talk!
Ughhh so relatable - I have a few coping strategies that actually consistently help me, but then I forget about them for weeks at a time 😭😭😭
Thank you for giving me permission to start journaling, even if I just write down the date and "I don't know what to write". My perfectionist brain thought I have to know exactly what I want to write before I can start journaling. Just writing "I don't know what to write" and that being okay was never an option in my mind. Thank you!
"If you feel like the world is on fire, get your face out of the candle".
❤❤❤🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂❤❤❤
I broke the afternoon silence in our home and laughed out SO loud!!!
Here are some things I say to myself when my emotions are bigger than my brain:
"You are safe"
"You are doing your best"
"Just finish it first. Then perfect as you can"
This video was really really valuable to me and I'm going to share it for others nd and NT. ❤️
I’m writing these down. This is a very helpful tip for me thank you very much ❤
I try to prioritize my tasks, and then focus on one thing at a time. It is dinner time, we have to eat, make dinner. The bills, the emails, the summer camp I need to research can all be tackled later. Just focus on dinner, it is the most important thing for me right now.
I wish I could express how extremely validating it is to hear other women talk so openly and kindly about something that has been a source of shame all my life. This channel has changed the way I see myself, thank you so much for all that you do.
I just wanted to add to your validation and say I also struggle with these things and ESPECIALLY the shame of struggling! We are more normal than we thought 🥲♥️
Same here.
I get flustered when i am running behind, and I used to overschedule myself every day. Now i ask myself how long it will take to transition between events....like how long will it take me to load my kids into the vehicle, plus diaper bags, plus whatever needs to go with us, plus feedings and meds, plus time to chase down the dogs and feed them....plus time to run home when I get down the road, to retrieve a baby bottle or my phone that got left behind. I used to set aside 5 or 10 minutes. Now it's 45. I no longer try to squeeze in one more errand, I just say this list is enough. Yesterday my children had two appointments, two hours apart, and the destinations were just ten minutes apart. I was tempted to load myself down with every possible errand, but I didn't, and we were five minutes early for the second appointment. It feels so good to be early. I write "be early" ahead of the appointments in my calender, as a reminder.
I like the "write "be early"" tip for appointmentments and events. I'm guna try that
I like the idea that the golden rule also applies inwardly. Treat yourself the way you would like others to treat you as well.
I'm about 8 months longer into the parent journey, and that first year i would have 1 task that had to get done. It saved the shreds of my sanity, and things eventually got done. And as long as that got done and we were all alive at the end of the day it was a success!
YES. My s-i-l was years ahead of me, and she told me early on, "Parenting has only one rule: let them live. If you get to the end of the day and accompany that, you succeeded. Period." Helped SO much for changing my perspective lots of days!
We use Fair Play, and it has been super helpful! My Wife and I taped our cards to counter doors so we see them frequently, and that not only helps remind us of our tasks (I call my tasks "contributions," but to each their own), but it also helps us to visually see what the other one is contributing. We've found that it helps prevent us from feeling like we're doing more work than the other. That said, we have open conversations about those feelings and reevaluate the tasks to ensure everything is equitable. We don't always complete our tasks; sometimes, things get overwhelming, but that visual queue is helpful. Can't recommend Fair Play enough.
I use a bullet journal and have figured and use many of the strategies you talk about here. It’s taken me 8 years to really get it (the journal) dialed in and be regular about it but I’ve really hit a good place with it this year. Went up to a full 8 1/2 x 11 book so it fits an entire week spread across both pages. 4 columns per page. First on the left is a list of everything I hope to get to or just want to keep visible like LIBRARY BOOKS DUE NEXT WEEK. This is generally in pencil so as I do them or move items to a specific day they can be erased. Then the days of the week. Anything that has to happen on a given day is in pen, anything intended but flexible is in pencil. Something important and unusual like a doctor appointment or interview is put in a box at the very top and written in orange marker. Seeing a whole week (or month) at once is helpful with knowing the reminder is out there and I don’t need to think about it until (due date) but still be able to focus on just a specific day’s list is super helpful. I’ve got a monthly spread too to see all the big stuff at a glance and have multiple brain dump areas. Things to come back to, things for next month, goals for the month. And I pair each week with the following two pages for journaling and flowing and just getting thoughts out and on paper. Anything, like plans or drawings, I need to easily find again goes into the table of contents in the beginning of the book. I.e. schedule of chicken hatching pg 84. I’ve learned colors make me happy so I mix it up…most of the writing is in black but instead of putting a check mark in the to do box I color it in. I like some fun artwork but I’m not a good artist or very quick if I try to draw so I mostly use stencils for that extra flair. For New Years Resolutions/year goal setting I designed my own BINGO card and color in each square as I accomplish it and get to pick a treat for myself from my rewards list. It’s also nice to look and see everything I’ve accomplished especially for those days when I feel like I’ve gotten nowhere.
Anyway just getting stuff out of my head and written down plus keeping a journal are both a big help in the mental load battle.
I’ve only recently discovered your channel
As a 40 year old who has owned his own business for 15 years , renovated houses , in the process of relocating a business , parenting 2 kids and the challenges that come with it .
I feel like I’m just holding on by a thread
I’ve found mind mapping very helpful
I literally had an overwhelm breakdown this morning, opened youtube, this was the first video suggested. How do you know my life??? Lol
Wow… I can’t even explain how I feel listening to this… I really needed to hear this
I have executive function issues (not ADHD specifically), and it's funny how many of these tips I use. If I think of something I need to do tomorrow, as I'm falling asleep and don't have the energy to write it down, I'll throw some random object in my shoe as a reminder! (I'm a balding guy,so no hair clips for me!)
Also, a white board is a lifesaver. In high school, I learned this technique I call "Do/Doing/Done". I divide the white board into 3 sections with those labels, and put my To-Do's under the Do section. When I start them, they go under Doing. It's great to have a colorful visual representation of what's on my plate - it's also a reminder not to get overwhelmed by doing too much. And when things are done, I get the satisfaction of physically moving them to the Done section.
Apps like TickTick are another great option for to-do's. They have automatic reminders, auto-repeating, and you can tag things however you want, like when or where it needs to be done, or how long you estimate it will take.
I do have trouble overloading my task lists, though, and letting things sit when they're not emergency priorities.
Thank you. I love your suggestions. I also have struggled long-term with the doing some of the things on the lists. I learned recently to stop making to-do lists and instead schedule it on the calendar. For my brain, that really clicked, and I am figuring out not scheduling too much as well as scheduling self care activities. Wish I could remember where I learned this to give credit
I like your column labels - so simple. I'm going to use those! I will add one column as the first one, called Do? This is for those items I haven't committed to yet but don't want to forget. Even if you toss out 90% of them, you won't miss out on the 10% you end up doing. Oh, and TickTick has this board feature. Cheers!
@@RickTesno I need to learn how to use that feature - I love TickTick! I really like the “To Do/Doing/Done” system, but a physical board gets messy, and/or forgotten.
And I really like the idea of “Do?”. There are just some things we feel like we *should* do, but they’re not actually necessary.
We keep snacks in my ADHD son's locker at school (he's 6th grade). Had to get permission. He has a snack when he needs one; the biggest difference is the snack he has right before he comes home. So many fewer meltdowns (or "after school restraint collapses") - game changer for us.
A big one for me to help manage the mental load is to write things down whenever possible. This included allowing myself to write on my skin again, which I did when I was younger but was shamed out of. Now, I've found pens that work really well on skin and I have them EVERYWHERE - in my bag, on my nightstand, by the toilet, on the kitchen counter, etc etc, and I'll use my hand, my whole arm, my thigh, or even my stomach when there are too many things. This is HUGE for the remembering something you need to do while you're trying to sleep!
For things that are longer and/or more time sensitive, I've taken to writing it on a sticky note and slapping it on my chest. It's super annoying, and I won't put it down until I've done the thing, so it's great for getting back on task. It's GREAT
I absolutely loved this video. My dream is that some day, everyone will better understand neurodiversity-and realize that people who are not neurotypical are not lazy.
I was recently diagnosed with ADHD at 31 years old. No one thought I had ADHD. But now that having my diagnosis, everything makes so much more sense. A lot of the “mental load” mentioned in this video is so relevant to me. Not knowing that “analysis paralysis” was a thing and this happened so often while not understanding why. “Emotional disregulation” was something that happened to me and yet I was being called ‘overreacting’ where it’s actually a symptom of an underlying mental condition that no one in my family considered. Thank you for making videos like this, I’m learning a lot.
Something I did that really helped is I bought a checklist that is split into NOW, NEXT, and LATER.
It gave me a little better sense of time, order, and less mental load of tracking what comes next.
Index cards are a brainsaver for me. I keep a pen and small stack of index cards (held by the pen clip) at every spot in my home where I'm likely to spend more than a few minutes... bedside table, dining table, bookcase beside rocking chair, desk, etc. etc. Whatever pops into my head goes on a card, then when I leave that spot I take the written cards with me to wherever they need to go next to get into the system (e.g. writing ideas go to my computer desk, stuff to do goes to wherever my journal is living, ...). It's not perfect by any means, but when I make the effort to use it, it lightens the internal load a *lot*. Thanks for a really helpful video ❤
This helps me when trying to remember an item I am searching for, or I can write Do Laundry, and hold the card till I make it to the washing machine.😊
Oh look, a new reason besides my Zettelkasten to buy index cards 😂😂😂
I wish I could like this video a million times. The struggle I have experienced going my whole life undiagnosed, presenting as a woman (I am a trans guy), and shaming myself for not being able to keep up with neurotypical standards is astronomical. I remember being a child and just falling apart when coming home from school. I have dealt with the expectation of having to remember all of the chores, bills, doctor appointments, dinner, on top of a full time job... I fell apart again as an adult. Only now am I learning to advocate for myself. I have never felt more seen! It's such a relief to know I am not alone.
This made me feel so seen. After 2+ years on meds for an adult diagnoses…I’m finding myself frustrated af with my lack of “progress” in emotional regulation and organizational skills at times. I think this video helped me realize the lapse is actually in my own ability to recognize my limits in mental load. This month my body said “NO MORE” and forced me to slow down…this video just reminded me I’m not immune to adhd just bc I utilize stimulants. Thank you❤
I once wrote down the majority of things I had to do with our apartment.
I got 3 full pages.
I don't even know how to start prioritising that much. And it was a year ago so the list is much longer now.
Thank you for this video. I feel so seen.
You can do it!
Oh my goodness I finally understand something!! For awhile now I have been struggling with completely falling apart emotionally when my husband gets home from work. I snap and I get angry and I hate that I do it and I never understood where it all came from. But its like kids losing it after school. I've been home all day looking after my one year old and managing myself, managing him, trying to make the day fun and educational and meet his needs and its so exhausting. Then my husband gets home and I am so happy to see him but I get so upset as well. Its cause I've been holding it together all day and can't anymore so I just fall apart. Wow. I understand. This feels so huge. Maybe now I can try to figure out how to address it rather than just feeling guilty and mad at myself for it. Thank you.
Just recognizing you are like this is huge! It is so easy to take the stress out on our loved ones. I'm working on that too! Very imperfectly but working on it .Recognition is a big step towards this goal. Our partners deserve hugs and appreciation for putting up with us!
22:16 cleaning the washer by running it on hot with 1 cup of white vinegar helps with ~ “my washer is gross”
I'm a teacher with ADHD and I needed and need more of this SO much! Thank you for posting this! Could you point me in the direction of a video that talks about the after school burnout and mental load for kids and strategies for them so that I can direct parents to it?? Thanks!
I saw she posted something about school starting,just in the last week. Check her videos page for recent, but I'm not sure if that would be what u r looking for
@@cmst6408 Thank you :)
In a time of my life when I was really really stressed and overwhelmed. I used a system when I'd set an alarm for a time for the day when I was generally mostly calm (it was 5:30pm for me for some reason) and I would make that "Decision making time" and I'd give myself half an hour to make the decisions that I had been putting off all day. Sometimes this included deciding what clothes to wear, or if I was going to take a shower. It was a real life saver when I was very overwhelmed and felt like I couldn't function. It also made me feel like I had done something, even if it was late in the day, so it gave me momentum to get doing other things.
What's interesting to me about listening to this conversation is that as someone who grew up in a neurodivergent and diverse family, I don't always think of losing one's temper as emotional dysregulation, but just as being emotional. I may be wrong, but surely neurotypical people get angry and frustrated and express those emotions more or less appropriately. I do recognize emotional dysregulation when it occurs, but there's a difference between dealing with emotions and going way off the rails.
The most helpful thing to me in managing my own mental load was the process of gradually learning how to help my children manage theirs. Parenting my children taught me how to better parent myself. Yes, I have had to mourn some of my dreams of the kind of person I thought I might be and to give time and space for that process in my life. But that rule that Jessica mentioned "to do more, do less" has held true for me. As I let go of the dream of being able to do more at one point, I notice that I actually do get to many things in the long term. That in fact, in the long term, I'm accomplishing more than I expected.
When you get emotionally dysregulated, you haven't processed or even identified your emotions properly. Oftentimes it gets buried and forgotten, suppressed. So when stuff like this piles up too much, you no longer can handle it and explode. That's how you get emotional. These two terms are not mutually exclusive.
Currently, my mental load is heavy due to isolation-like a lot of people in their 20’s and 30’s (especially in the LGBTQIA+ community), I live alone and don’t have a lot of support and understanding from my family.
The stress of having to manage a household by myself on top of ADHD means that I am constantly doing the work of two people, without the opportunity to delegate tasks to a partner (and most tools to help single people manage this cost money).
I’m still figuring out how to lighten my mental load in this regard, but being aware of the fact that I’ve been given unrealistic expectations by society has help me accept where I’m at.
I’m also working to build my social circles-specifically other queer and/or neurodivergent people who I feel safe unmasking and being myself around.
This is so relatable to me. Power to you, I hope things get better soon.
It may be worth checking if your city or town has an LGBTQ+ support group. I have been going to a local nonbinary and trans support group here I only recently found and it does wonders for morale! Hope you find your people :)
I have Adhd and am nonbinary and am pre top surgery. Just started a new job recently and get misgendered a decent amount more than when I was on a break after graduate school. This pulls me out of my thoughts a lot and I start spiraling about how maybe if I wasn’t so feminine people wouldn’t gender me wrong as much and etc. I haven’t found much of a solution other than trying to calm myself by remembering that I am currently on the way to top surgery and that more thought provoking work can help me stay out of my thoughts and more in the present. This being said too, if you’re able to in future videos to try and use more gender neutral language that would be great. My brain kept thinking about all the gendered language being used throughout the whole video instead of fully focusing cause I felt like I wasn’t being included. I understand you still need to use gendered language when talking about some specific groups but if you could try and use gender neutral language when you can that would be amazing. Thanks!
Coming out and eventually finding community has definitely been healing for me, and it certainly makes other parts of life easier (or at least worth struggling throught). And as a bonus, when you find queer community you're probably finding a neurodivergent community too.
I hope you can find yours soon ❤
LGBT or not it's not that the problem its just you want to be special bcs u do nothing in life, im sure u are not ADHD ahah just tiktok diag xD
After work restraint collapse is such a big thing. When I come home, I just lay in bed for 30-45 minutes just so I can reset and be the at home version of myself.
it works ?
I used to use the bus ride home for this, which is why now I understand why I hated when my flatmate would ride it home with me. I needed the down time
I do this, too. I figured it was a transition issue!
@@surispliffs6608 depends on the day and how much I’ve had on my plate that day.
A friend once told me they used to have a very large pet snake they let roam free in the house, but for safety, had to keep little spray bottles of vodka within reach in every room, just in case the snake started constricting someone and needed to be dissuaded. I think about that principle a lot when I am organising my home. E.g., I keep (reusable) bottles of water next to my bed and next to the couch, to reduce the mental load of the task of getting up to get a drink of water -- which feels pathetic when I write it out, but really does help when I am thirsty and getting up feels like too much. And, re: your never-having-a-pen problem: I solved that for myself by buying a huge pack of cheap ballpoint pens and stashing them in strategic locations around the house, and in the pockets of every coat and bag that I own. They do gradually disappear, but solving "never having a pen" with "deliberate overabundance of pens" turned out to be a surprisingly cheap solution.
One of the challenges and delights of having ADHD is how easily we go off on tangents. I just stopped while reading your comment and shared with my partner about the snake and now I'm going to look up whether squirting vodka on a constrictor really will help to save the life of one's guests. L0L! (But yes, stashing objects around - like extra pairs of my eye glasses is really helpful!)
My version of this is a waste basket within tossing distance of anywhere I spend much time.
The “Can I help you” I hear a lot and it makes me crazy. So much more stress. This tip of asking the person to give a choice of how they can help is genius! I can’t wait to try it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you
As someone who understands this struggle, I notice when people need help and I usually ask "Would you like me to do [Insert one of the many tasks needed; Dinner, dishes, vacuum, etc]?" and it's way easier for my husband to say "Yes" and now have to worry about one less thing. It's rewarding for me as well to know I have 1 task that's helping, and the reward I get from that task, is knowing it's helpful.
If the individual with ADHD gets overwhelmed, having lost routines , stress as a result of being overwhelmed can cause anxiety and eventually depression.
Hello!! You called?
@@Metqa I'm with you, trying to recover after being stuck in bed most days. I emerged from an over month long on and off migraine attack in August. It is so hard because I somehow don't know what my routine ever looked like or how I managed things previously?? I've been trying to use a daily notebook so I can know what I actually managed to accomplish
One thing for remembering future dates is to use the future log from the bullet journal method - even if you don't bullet journal, you can use the blank notes pages in a regular calendar to make a note of everything coming up.
Might not work like that for everyone, but just in case: I have a section for the next quarter, the following either half year or two quarters separated (depending on how granular I already know the dates, as a choir singer that might be tour dates or bigger family events...), and then one for "next year and onward".
That way I have the reminder when I migrate into a new calendar, plus I can put it on the monthly/weekly list when the time arrives; and if it resolves before the dedicated time, I can stop migrating it.
1) I pull certain items out of my clothes dryer when they are not fully dry, so as soon as I enter the living room after starting the dryer, I tell Alexa to set a 20-minute timer. I can almost always remember to do that and don't have to try to remember the stupid laundry. 2) ANYTHING planned goes on my Google calendar. Either a task or an actual event. 3) Make a to-do list for tomorrow right before you leave/finish work for the day. Put aside 10 to 15 minutes to look at yesterday's list you've been marking off, transfer any remaining items, and then add new ones. It's ready to go the next morning, and you don't have to keep thinking about the tasks all night. 4) My blind senior dog can no longer get herself back to the door after she potties. I put a flip-over timer next to the door so I don't forget she's out there. Every time I let her out, that timer gets flipped and goes with me to wherever I'm sitting.
Smart phones with calendars and alarm clocks are wonderful.
How do you get Alexa to actually set the timer correctly? I've tried multiple times and she repeats back to me that she set the timer, but then never tells me when it "goes off". Sometimes I get a notification on my phone when it goes off, but she never tells me, out loud, where I need it. Notifications on my phone are useless because my phone doesn't work right, and I'm not used to looking at it all the time anyway. I also keep it silenced because it's just flat out annoying, but I can easily go days without looking at it only to find it dead.
I definitely rely heavily on Google Calendar but I've tried the planning thing and I can't seem to make it work. Even if I remember to do it or set a reminder, focus gets harder and harder by the end of the day and I can't seem to muster the will power or ability to wrangle my brain by the end of the day to do it.
@@JustinWarkentin been there, done that. Let yourself have down days or times. You'll find what works for you.
I'v really struggled with perfectionism and the fear of forgetting / doing things wrong...... one therapist I had once ask me - "could I make space in my life for mistakes?" - the answer was yes! (although it can be super hard) now I try to imagine there is this big old space in my head for a mistake if I feel I've made one and can't bare the feelings. I can kind of feel the mistake feelings and try to grow space all around it to let it be there. If I make a space for it in my head it seems to diffuse after a bit instead of the stress, strain and panic I experience if I try to squish it out of my brain as quickly as possible by fixing it and trying to avoid the reality that I ever made it. Really enjoyed this video thank you :)
As an international student on their second semester in the US. Trying to manage my healthcare appointments, part time job, classes, research and actually remembering to do the basics like eat and take my meds. This video is a boon. Thank you to Jessica for consistently coming out with the content that we didn't ask for but we absolutely need. It's like she read my mind that i needed this today. I'm so excited to get my hands on her book and figure out more.
I am saving this video because it made me feel so seen. It's such a relief to know all of the issues I face are common for people with ADHD, and it's not something wrong with just me.
Jessica you look amazing as a new Mom! It's cool that you have a baby the same age my mother had me. ADHD is gonna help you a lot to stay young mentally, which is really important for a happy childhood. Maybe not appreciated until after puberty, at least I didn't, but bonding with children about silly stuff or hard stuff is so strong.
aw it's lovely to hear that. Thank you for sharing!! And yeah it's been great to get to be silly with her :)
I'm 22 minutes in so far and this may be the most relatable video I have ever watched on any topic ever. Seriously. Thank you for the tips AND thank you for normalizing these challenges that I often feel like I am alone in my ongoing quest to manage.
Thank you for showing the creative mess behind you in the shot, it made me feel less guilty about how my workspace looks and made me feel more human.
Gah, this was so flippin relatable!
My husband has ADHD and I -- think I have something but I'm not sure exactly what anyway I - feel like I'm carrying the mental load for our lives as a couple, plus my life, plus a lot of the logistical and planning and "administrative" elements of his life, plus my professional life, which specifically involves carrying a lot of the mental load for our company and my boss -- and I just always feel like I'm having to keep track of EVERYTHING and just being aware of it all feels like a full time job, never mind actually executing on anything.
Ugh, and YES on delegating -- it can feel like more work than just doing the thing myself because then I have to take the time to explain the task, provide resources, follow up, and plan around whether or not/when it'll be done. Plus the emotional labor of trying to be pleasant and cheery/professional about it and striking the balance of not coming off like I'm micromanaging or checking out completely.
This video is a blessing. I've been struggling with my mental load but not entirely realizing that that's why I'm struggling so much and why I'm so exhausted. This video has put so much into perspective for me and many of the tips and strategies mentioned actually made me pause and go "wow that's really good, I'm writing that one down." Thank you so much for making this video and having this discussion!!
One thing I wish moms knew from the beginning is that you will fail your children; you will do things that leave permanent scars. Most of your fears will come true. AND (most importantly) your children will be fine, and you aren't a failure. Being perfect is an impossible expectation for yourself. Take a deep breath and let that go, please. You can let the past go and focus on the good you want to do in the future.
@bleh329 That's step two!
This is so hard! My son has autism and ADHD. So much of how we parented him when he was younger makes me cringe hardcore and have so much parenting guilt. Looking back, I realize that my husband and I were just so overwhelmed and both undiagnosed. I've now been diagnosed with ADHD and we suspect autism potentially for both of us, hubby may have ADHD as well....I mean it is genetic, but I digress. Yeah we were overstimulated and reactive and had no idea how to accommodate ourselves, let alone our son that was dealing with a lot of the same. Thank goodness for perspective and learning and having the humility to apologize to my kid. He's almost 14 now and our household is less reactive and more accommodating. We're not perfect by any means, but we're always striving to do better. Sorry for the way too personal info-dump.
@teamstayinthecircle Thank you for sharing! I needed to hear this. My past is a little like your son's, but my parents won't acknowledge anything. Hearing that parents can do that gives me hope for my future. I didn't realize how important it is to hear about peoples successes until recently. I appreciate you, thank you!
@ethanmiller5487 aww. I'm glad this helped you!
@@teamstayinthecircleYou do the best you can at the time with the information you have. ❤ I'm personally working through 40+ years of undiagnosed AuDHD myself, even though I suspect both my parents have ADHD and one is Level 1 ASD. Did they get it wrong? Absolutely. Do I have scars? Yes. BUT. I know they love me. I know my uninformed attempts to manage me without help actually strengthened skills I use everyday. Honesty with our kids matters, and the ability to say we're wrong, we're sorry, and to ask for their forgiveness. Kids have more capacity for grace than we often expect - though teen years might not be the best place to start full disclosure due to emotional dysregulation & puberty! 😂
What an important and not talked about enough topic. The mental load that women, especially women with children at various stages of development) is overwhelming and throw in some ADHD and beating yourself up that you can't do it all. You have spoken to so many women with this youtube. There is so much here it could be talked about for years!
I have always told my kids that I am fallible, that I struggle with things the same that they can and that we are all working on becoming more empathetic and better people all the time. My two boys are also ADHD which makes the entire equation that much more complicated. Admitting to them when you don't feel your best, or you are overwhelmed and showing them how to take care of yourself is another really great strategy to teach them how to learn to regulate themselves as well.
"Holding ourselves to NT standards" So true and exhausting
I’m alone, in my 50s, self diagnosed ADHD inattentive type and aside from therapy, trying new things. The things that work: 1. phone with lots of alarms. 2. Paper calendar with lots of space to write. 3. Weekly calendar planning on Sundays. When my focus is on planning I do better considering I don’t really sense time well. 4. A sheet with typical recurring duties for the week I use on Sundays as reference. 5. Calendar kept in key visual places to remind me it exists. 6. Just recently devised spreadsheet with various projects in life with spaces for priority, date assigned to myself, date completed and a comment section to discuss with me on how the plan went, was it on time? etc. 7. Emotional stuff: Therapist, journaling, quiet time especially in nature, trying to do better with meditation, exercise, diet. 8. post-its. 9. checklists on a legal pad when a procedure has too many steps. 10. Keep things in precisely the same space all the time if it’s part of my habits OR if it’s new, intentionally put it in a place it is NOT supposed to be depending on the circumstance. 11. If I think of a thing. Run straight to the calendar or grocery list or whatever and write it down ASAP.
Something I've started doing this year is keeping a To-Do Journal. I put some stuff on there every day (like take meds) that I know I'll get done so that I can put a checkmark by it and get some dopamine. At night, I write down what I want to get done the next day. This way is out of my brain, and I can go to sleep easier. During the day when I accomplish something, I checkmark it for my instant dopamine and if I do something that wasn't on the list then I add it so I can mark it as done. The biggest trick that made this work for me, though, was allowing myself to not complete everything on the list that I WANTED to do. Changing my mindset to "it's not the end of the world, and you're not a sucky, lazy person" if you don't do everything you wanted to do. If I don't get something done, then I just draw a line through it and move it to the next day. There's always tomorrow. Also, the pen and the notebook have a home right next to my bed, and they get put in their home when getting ready for bed.
This really taught me alot of things that I needed to hear, and my ADHD makes me ruminate like crazy, and I've been dealing with a crazy amount of mood swings with some emotional Dysregulation, and What surprised me to the most was setting lower standards for myself. I had never thought about that before, and while I'm at work I have a huge expectation to finish things from my co-workers, which puts alot of pressure on me/stress that I am holding back, and sometimes I've snapped, and this is a great tool to add to my long list of things that I've already put in place, thank you for putting this out! I'm definitely going to be watching this a few more times!
Have you heard of Gretchen Rubin and her Four Tendencies? Not ADHD-specific, but what you're describing at work is what she calls "Obliger rebellion." I struggle with this too.
This is so timely. My work just shifted and now I have more of a mental load there. I just watched a video on organized people. They said we often try to rely on our brains but we should be storing things in a database if we want to remember it. Doing this helps remove that item off the pile of things to remember
I appreciate that you kept this video, and many of your other videos relatively short. I rarely finish a video that’s over 30 minutes and I definitely don’t absorb as much information from longer videos. I love getting this much info in a video that I have the capacity to listen to. I forget to listen and have to rewind like every 5-10 minutes, which makes hour long videos nearly impossible. lol it’s almost like you have ADHD and totally understand us or something 🤪
I use lighting to remind me about laundry. My laundry room is right next to the bathroom, so if I leave the lights on in the laundry room I’ll see that they’re on whenever I go to the bathroom. The light stays on until the laundry is out of the dryer.
I also leave the light on in the kitchen at night until after I’ve taken evening pills and got myself water for next to my bed.
I’m glad I live alone because if anyone else moved things around I’d never remember what’s going on.
Externalizing is huge. I put absolutely everything I can into notes and calendar appointments, task lists, etc. (e.g. check the furnace filter, check the water softener, check the sump pump systems, changed batteries in xxxx on...) Send emails to others as soon as I think of things. Call and make that appointment. Routines. Consistently putting things in the exact same place. All of the things you talk about to stay organized and ahead.
And you are right about "zooming out" when you are melting down.
Asking for help? I am lousy at that still but I need to do it even more.
And men really do get as overloaded as women....lots...especially when one has ADHD! It's just that the things that overload us are typically different. The lawn needs mowing, the stumps need grinding...when am I going to fix those popped nails in the drywall in the bathroom...the faucet is leaking again...the snow blower needs serious maintenance...will I ever fix the old lawn mower? my boss dumped a new college class on me that I have to teach and told me days before the class starts (no kidding it happened last week!)....the cars need maintenance...is my job secure? what will the elections mean for the economy and where I work... (I could go on a while!)
Watch and listen to ua-cam.com/video/1rKpgZRrJlQ/v-deo.html and cry and feel comforted...I do. Oh good. I'm not the only one who feels this way!
Thanks so much for this! I needed to hear that it´s OK to feel so constantly exhausted. You asked what overloads me and makes me so exhausted... it´s financial stress. I am a single mom who is really struggling to get steady income and the weird thing is that the more desperate my situation is, the more exhausted and shut down and unable to take the action steps needed to get stable. Then when I get some money, I am so relieved I get exhausted again with a flood of letdown emotions from dire worry and I just want to sleep some more, instead of get busy getting on the steps i know I need to take to get steady income. Such a hamster wheel.
I really liked the tip about what three things do i need to do today to make this day a success. That takes a big mental load off.
Love your videos and topics, Jessica. Thanks for keeping them coming despite your busy life. So many UA-cam content creators are announcing they are too burnt out to continue so I am glad to see your content keep coming.
I use my reminders app and calendar app extensively. When I put a task in my calendar I can also factor in the length of time it will take as well as schedule breaks in between tasks. And I can review my plans for the next day the night before. I set reminders for EVERYTHING! Even for feeding the cat or taking my meds for or flossing my teeth. Otherwise I’ll forget even if it’s something I’ve done every day for years.
Today, after a lifetime of emotional issues, anxiety disorders, failed relationships, job loss and hitting rock bottom I was diagnosed with Combined ADHD, and Emily you have been a huge help and your ted talk was the ultimate wake up call for me. THANK YOU ❤
Thank you so much I am usually crying a bit after the how to adhd and this really is so important what you two have talked about here. ❤❤❤❤❤Thank you thank you
I am a high school English teacher, and I am worn out most days because of how much effort it takes to stay focused. Thank you for this video. It’s so nice to hear other adults also struggle to just keep thoughts in their heads. I am going to try some of these techniques.
I just love how you explained the term mental load both colloquially as well as in the research world. I love listening to really smart people who are astute enough to both notice differences in things and have the ability to explain the differences so well! ❤❤❤
Jess, becoming a parent broke my brain and my tools no longer worked.
I had 3 kids before I got an ADHD dx and absolutely the mental load of having children blew up all my tools. Wonderful, wouldn't change that part -- but I wish I had known about the ADHD and was able to prepare.
PREACH. Was home full-time with 2 kids for more than a decade before I got my ADHD diagnosis. I couldn't figure out how I was a successful programmer/engineer in corporate world, but SAHM seemed to break my brain. So. many. things. to. remember.
Oh my goodness. I don't have kids or a partner and just hearing Jessica talk about trying to sleep and going through everything you do mentally made me start to get anxious! LOL I just started a new job and it's kicking my butt mentally. I have a hard time even knowing if I've set my day up right because there are so many pieces, but I just keep working at it. I have a new routine, I'm trying to get to work earlier so I can have quiet time to plan my day, and also making sure that I take my full lunch downtime to just not think much. This video has really helped me realize that my inability to Do The Things when I get home is not a failure, but just my body and brain saying Hey! Sit down! :D
Here's what works for me when it comes to sleep, when hyperfocus doesn't cause me to NOT fully process it.
I have alarms reminding me to wind down. There are also pills, melatonin, I HAVE to take at a specific time or they don't work as well. Having a name set for the alarm so they can be read aloud SOMETIMES helps. The problem is, the name is read aloud AFTER the alarm sound starts, instead of at the SAME TIME, so sometimes I'll quickly swipe it, then wonder at the next alarm, "Did the last one even go off?" The multiple alarms CAN knock me out of hyperfocus, which is why I have so many.
8:30 PM: Bedtime Soon.
9:30: Pills reminder.
9:45: Start wrapping up [on the computer]
10:00: Need to be done [on the computer and EVERYTHING for the day]
10:30: Take your pills
11:00: Last call for pills
11:30: Last call [for pills/need to be in bed] - If I'm in bed, I turn this one off, to be activated again the next day.
From 10:00-11:30, I want to be doing something to wind me down, like reading and/or watching a movie in bed. I can't NOT have some sort of sound playing in the background or my brain will think of EVERYTHING, which defeats the purpose of winding down and being done at 10:00 PM.
Also, if you decide to do this, the SOUND you pick for the al.arm is important. Having the sound you use when you get up in the morning play when you're winding down could fuck up EVERYTHING!
This was an interesting video. I've never understood why bullet journaling was such a gamechanger for me, but mental load is clearly why. I'm not even doing that much more stuff, just way less stressed about it
I learn so much when I listen to you and get to come down from the ceiling. My brain says, "Go.go, go," but at the same time screams, "No, no, no!" I didn't learn balance, nor self-forgiveness. You're helping me.
Amazing timing. Struggling with this a lot. I'm interested in how to recover from a huge mental load. I need a whole day to recover from the mental load from day before.
I am very grateful for this discussion. I am not a mom, but I manage a team and find it so hard to help them work together better when my mental workload is overloaded all the time. Got a lot of great nuggets from this!
Saving this point for myself at 9:23. When I get home from work and still have to cook, clean, get my son ready for the next day, get my things ready for the next day, sometimes I end up sitting down for a second, and end up losing time. Then I'm trying to just get the most important things done, and it feels like almost nothing gets done. Meanwhile my brain is screaming at me how exhausted I am.
i have alarms on my cell phone that go off constantly (annoying others, and at times myself) but they help a lot. Also many already mentioned: the whiteboard, and I keep a notebook of daily lists. i use it regularly for about 6 weeks and then fall off the wagon, but i now get back to it a little faster each time. Those lists are very helpful. they used to be horribly long, but I will put into practice a defined amount of tasks that would make my day "successful: THANK YOU!! Sleep!!! thank you for the validation of how important sleep is!!! Your video has really been helpful to me. I didn't even know ADHD was the cause of the emotional deregulation (if I got the term right). Oh It helps so much to know there is a REASON I am "nuts!" Thank you! I am 58. Got diagnosed about 6 years ago. SOOO much I still don't know. Your videos are VERY helpful !
Always great episodes where I learn a lot. But this one is a gem! Thank you.
With things like scheduling doctors appointments, I throw a reminder on my phone and repeat it every day for a long time, at minimum a month. That way if I cannot handle it on the day of the first reminder, I know it'll remind me tomorrow and I don't feel guilty not doing it.
Wow. What a great discussion! Not sure if someone else mentioned this, but when you mentioned after school restraint collapse, I thought of the old 1950’s image of the father coming home from work (because his wife was home “not working”) and how he had to have the paper, his slippers, and no children in his face for a little while. Chris rock made great jokes about this too. (Like give me a minute when I put my foot in the doorway before you start telling me about every problem). I personally resonated with the question “what can I do to help?” This drives me crazy! I’ll be trying to do one or more things , usually under some time constraint, and I’m feeling overwhelmed, so I say “I need help please!” (which is already a struggle to admit) and I’m met with “what is it you want me to do???” And I usually answer “can you use your eyes to see what needs to be done because I’m already juggling.”
Journaling has been a lifesaver and a game changer. It brings so much clarity to everything.
I am getting emotional listening to this conversation. I feel so seen. Thank you!
I absolutely love your channel. I have known about my ADHD most of my life. 45 + years. I have noticed in different stages my symptoms change in to new challenges. I am now a mom of a 5 year old who has a disability herself. So managing myself so I cam help her and navigate the supports she needs and the things I need to remember and set up so she can function well is yet another layer. No wonder I am struggling to sleep and have nightmares of the piles of clutter I have yet to tackle!
I love your channel keep up the good work!
This conversation is so eye opening!! Thanks for having this candid conversation
I use a kanban for this, a whiteboard divided in three (todo, busy, done) and move postits from left (todo) to mid (busy) do the thing and move it to the right (done)...helps me nicely as the kanban board is placed prominently in the house...
I personally am not diagnosed, and my husband isn't really of the idea that he has adhd but I know him and I both struggle with neurodivergence and we've just not had the time to reach out for help. We're two completely different people, with different ways to cope, and some similarities. Something helping me, is listening to podcasts while I do tasks to keep my brain from thinking. My body will go into autopilot, and next thing you know everything is done, and same goes for him. But we know NOT to interact with the other when we get into that zone, because when we are broken out of it, it's gone for days or even months. I've finally begun willpowering myself out of a rut I've been in for half a year now, and honestly, it makes me emotional to listen to this channel while I do my chores, as it keeps my body going, and keeps my brain going in a more productive way rather than spinning in circles. I feel validated hearing your conversations. I've been doing good for myself in most places but bad in others but it's helping to focus on the ones I'm doing really good at and leave the bad to fix when I'm done with my current tasks. I know it's a spew, but my entire point being is my solutions are different from my husbands, and whether or not we have adhd, we've been slowly but surely finding our ways to cope, and it's doing wonders ❤
Bit of a tangent, but I was so happy to see that Understood was sponsoring this video. Both you and them played a huge role in me first finding out about my ADHD back in 2019.
I love adhd aha!! If u are an adult dealing with adhd, and feeling like you’re the only adult struggling, its great to see other adults struggling just like u.
Finding out that "Delayed sleep phase disorder" is an actual thing just halved the ammount of arguing with my brain I do. This channel is a god send! :)
What I always get from your videos is to understand why I do things the way I do them. This alone is such a big help. Just understanding the fact "This is because of the ADHD! And it's completely normal because of that". Understanding helps me coming up with actually helpful strategies instead of unhealthy ones, which I built my whole life, just to cope and fit some unrealistic standards. I feel like with your videos I'm seen and I'm not alone.
And one thing that echoed deep within me and made me tear up from this video: It's not your fault.
This simple phrase just strikes a nerve, something that is so deeply rooted within me. Most likely a believe system that was taught me from a young age that I also did put onto myself just by watching others and not understanding why I'm not like them. Or I just didn't see that they're struggling with, too and also just masked away.
So thank you for your content. Ever since I stumbled on your one of your videos more than a year ago, I finally got to the roots of my decade of anxiety and depression. It was just ADHD. I got diagnosed and treated and in that past year since then, the depressive symptoms are gone. So far that I, for the first time in 15 years, am completely off of anti depressants. My internal anxiety is reduced to a level that it's not recognizable most of the time and only occasionally spikes up. And even then I can deal with it, because of the new strategies I implemented. A lot of these strategies come from you or I was able to come up with them, because of your content.
Because your content always resonates with me so deeply, I bought your book when it came out. Even though I wish I had read more then just a couple of pages... I don't stress about it too much. Am I convinced that I still can gain so much from it? Yes. But it's fine if I still put it aside until I feel like it? Of course, my mental load was occupied with my focus on my mental health for so long, I think I deserve a break from dealing with it. Like Numb Bug from Emily Beihold so perfectly puts it "A little bit tired of tryin' to care when I don't, a little bit tired of quick repairs to cope".
14:41 ‘Remember to remember’ what a statement!
Shared notes app with my partner. Everything goes on a shared list or note - groceries, manuals, passwords, stuff we have (appliances or otherwise referenced items while out), ideas for our wedding, notes about house projects, gifts, everything.
I've been putting off this video bc i felt i was in a too emotional a headspace back when this came out but I'm so glad I found it in my watch later list on a better day today. I relate a lot to practically everything you two shared, even despite not having kids or multiperson household to run. Collapsing after work, getting emotional, needing to compensate for mistakes right away or i won't be able to stop fixating on it, making the load bigger because i'm scared to forget, even down to the not always asking for help because it feels like too much effort. Maybe it's bc being single makes the load heavier sometimes, since you can't share it with someone closeby? I especially liked Laura's different coping mechanisms because I came up with a lot of similar things and it makes me feel better about needing them
Do you have a video that deals with changing social situations/ plans and ways to avoid a meltdown every time it happens? My relationships , work & personal have been affected like this my entire life. Then my mental load is too much, and I just shut down causing negative reactions all around me. Your videos have helped a lot the last two years, love them, and keep doing what you do!
This showed up for me just days after I snapped from carrying around a lot of the mental load. Thank you for putting it in words that I couldn’t think of ❤️ this will really help me explain how I’m thinking and feeling as a person with ADHD to my NT husband ❤️
Yes about offering multiple choice help options! If we knew how to do the thing ourselves we wouldn't need help so offering solutions proactively is huge!
I think I'm really good at this when other people need my help. Maybe it's an ADHD thing too? I can see a bunch of different ways that might solve an issue and I can actively offer my help if it's wanted or needed. People (regardless of neurotype) seem to appreciate this.