Wow spot on!! As said in many videos...its all about understanding them, their behaviours & ways....but WHY is there not MORE videos available to them....to understanding themselves & how they affect others/loved ones & what they can/should do about it...to heal.....if they can see it & choose to....but wether they search/seek or even see/want this is a whole different story!!! I have struggled on/off for two years with an Avoidant & yes very painful/draining for the anxious....now this involvement has been my choice......but for how long before being reciprocal & the other having to walk on eggshells ...wondering when they are going to drop the bomb!!! " I cant do it" They can be very selfish when wanting/needing what they want ....yet not giving or understanding the wants/needs of the other....then when voiced....run!!! How is that fair/right????? I did walk & 3 months later he returned & i gave in AGAIN only to be told again 3 weeks later the same " Im not ready"!!! I still feel so much for him regardless & yes have wanted to help/save him in the past which is normal for the anxiousl but have stopped that...he is so beautiful/loving/giving....yet its such a struggle with a lack of consistency & never knowing where i stand...doing the work by myself isnt right or fair... Thanyou for this video from the anxious partner...ive sent him videos & he even offered therapy .....only to decline & run again!!! 😢
This is amazing. I started listening to Briana a few months ago. I always thought I was going through the secure attachment way, until I met my partner. I know he loves me, but him pulling away drove me insane for 3 months until I said to myself THIS HAS TO STOP. So internally I started to let go, downgrading my expectations on our relationship and being more observant. He doesnt like it, and keeps chasing me with questions like "are we ok?", I say yes, I started to comunicate my needs and boundaries without showing my emotions, I feel for the First time he listens to me, and only when I observe he is opening up I do it too. Not for him, is just I dont want to touch that hell againg of him pulling away leaving me on emotional distress. I have my friends that will listen to me if I need to cry or explain my feelings, I enjoy lonely time, I dance, I write my emotions down, I take lonely time as I used to and it helps a lot. Is so sad I cant share this with him without him feeling overwhelmed. But I still love him and I value all the things he is doing to show up for this relationship. I dont know if with time he will open up more (he is now without me chasing him around) but what Im fearing is he wasting my time, not commiting for a long term relationship, family and living together as we agreed on the First stages. I will give him some time through. For the information I have now, he goes step by step slowly, and is not excited to talk about the future as I do as a sign of commitment. Briana, can you talk about the type of friendship the avoidant tends to create? I have been searching that info. I feel they get into this really unbalanced friendships where is more about them proving themselves to people that are so selfish and damaging. Thank you!
Them: " I love you" Me: "But why?!" The sad reality of being an individual who has this attachment style that even if we met a person who has good intentions in a relationship we will still question their 'love'
YEs! My avoidant in the beginning hinted at this, saying if "I wasn't funny and good in bed, you wouldn't be with me". I thought he was just joking. Soon as things got more intimate and deeper, he stopped expressing his feelings, and it's become mostly his doubts, questioning his feelings and wanting to end it. Now we are away and he's doing the fade out.
My ex was a dismissive avoidant. He was terrible in crisis situations because he would back away and act like the problem was all mine, and I had to deal with it on my own. Sadly, he did this even with a health crisis and refused to be supportive and told me that me asking him to be there for me was "asking too much" of him.
Consider the possibility that his response to you is how most people have responded to him growing up. If all you know is that you're on your own in a crisis because no one wants to help you, not only do you not know what it looks like to be there for someone else, but you've also come to understand that this is just how things are. He's been taught that his problems are his own and he should not expect any help from anyone and so, this must be true for everyone.
In my last relationship I was detached and bored and “not feeling it” but as soon as he called it off I was clamoring to get him back. The more distant he got and the more he blew me off the more anxious I got...
I’m currently dealing with a woman who’s avoidant and it made realize that I have an anxious attachment style. I’m learning as much as I can because I really want this to work out.
Realy good description of me. I suffered emotional, physical and mental abuse at the hands of my caretakes. I have never understood emotions and always couldn't recognize it when it showed up without notice. I feel personally ,the people who are been neglected and abused by caretakers develop core trust issues with different attachment styles. I've always struggled with Anxiety and used Alcohol to bandage my CPTSD condition. This video is right on the money for few like us ,who know how it feels to be abandoned. On a positive note, the way to heal is to feel. Love to all.
My partner is avoidant type, i am anxious type - you are talking about us. We had recently the first argument,almost broke up. Thanks to you i started to understand him better and we communicate more now. We love each other and want to make our relationship work.
Perfectly described the Anxious with the planting and pulling at the roots to MAKE it grow.. A DA fights it coming out of the soil.. the plant anology great
This video is spot on. I was dating this guy for about 2 months. He's clearly an avoidant and I am no doubt an anxious. Last week, he basically ended it saying he just didn't see it, could feel my angst, etc. The irony is that my anxiety was amped up because I didn't know where this relationship was going. I definitely need to work on my anxious attachment issues. Being aware of it is the first step. Also, since we ended it, my anxiety over the relationship has ended too.
I highly recommend reading “Attached” by Dr. Amir Levine! It explains how and why anxious attachment is activated and what you can do to have more balanced relationships.
I just want to leave a comment here saying that I'm going through the same thing, and that like you, I am now away that I am anxiously attached and it is something to work on. But it is also about choosing the right partner (secure person) or seeing if the avoidant will be willing to work on themselves too (usually not). Because, their avoidant tendencies/lack of reassurance trigger your anxiety in the first place, and conversely, your attachment drives them to withdraw more so its an endless loop.
Wow this is definitely me for sure. When I was dating my ex he wanted to put a label on it but I didn't because I was scared and I felt like I was suffocating. I wasn't sure how I really felt about him. I was terrified. I kept breaking up with him. When we were apart I missed him. When we were together I felt uncomfortable. My chest hurt
@@EMBEEMusic23 I'm so sorry about what you went through with your partner. That does sound like irrational behavior. On the one hand its not his fault. He never meant to hurt you. I think he may be healing from his own hurt and trauma and he could he struggling to open up about it. On the other hand, communication is important too. I think if he maybe tried to open up more about his issues in a way you could understand then maybe things could have turned out differently. But don't quote me on that. Some people are different and they deal with their issues in their own way. I believe you deserve to be happy too. I hope ur partner can heal from his internal pain. To answer your question about the fear, I was scared if committing to my ex because I wasn't sure if he was right for me. He had a serious personality and he was emotionally unavailable. He grew up with a dysfunctional family just like me so he didn't know how to show emotional affection. I believe I am a wishy washy person because of my schizophrenic mother and paranoid father. They were both mentally ill so they could not give me the love I needed. Now I struggle to get close to people because I'm afraid. I want a relationship but at the same time I don't. Being a rolling stone sucks. Its the worst feeling I ever felt
@@EMBEEMusic23 i'm in the same kind of relationship. After 10 months in heaven he started talking about moving in together. Litterally when i saw him 2 days later he put me at arms lenght and for 6 weeks now we've had no sex, no kissing and few hugs. The verbal affection low to. Of cause i tired to talk, understand, it just drove him further away. He asks that i respekt and tolerate him proces and he's trying to sort it out with a therapist. Meanwhile i deal with the wound in me, having had a distant unattached father. I so miss what we had and wonder if i can be strong or even should be strong. Maybe the most healthy healing for me is just moving on. His proces is not just fixed in weeks and this kind of reaction is most likeky going on his intire life. I do see the love in his eyes and from time to time he pulls me close in a long warm hug. I know he suffers too. This keeps me heart open in the pain. I Hope we can learn to work with it and heal the wounds.
@@tamimoroz4655 I read your comment and its exactly same situation as my gf. My gf is avoidant and her mother also have schizophrenia. She told me she had some childhood trauma and she feel uncomfortable with intimacy. I want to be serious relationship with her but she's uncomfortable with it. What should I do ..how should I convince her ?
This is a fascinating subject. I am anxious attachment - a guy I've been seeing on and off for a couple of years is dismissive avoidant (text book case). this has been an extremely painful journey for me, but also one where I have learnt a lot (about myself as well as him.) I constantly want to help him evolve - even though I'm not sure he wants to. I have decided that through me learning about this disorder, as well as doing work on myself, hopefully I will grow to be more "stable attachment". The most difficult part of this relationship (if I can call it that), is that 4 months into seeing each other - he wanted to stop physical intimacy with me, as he said it made him feel overwhelmed. However, the upside of this is that I think we have developed a closer emotional bond. So thank you Briana - I would have to agree with you, that I am only seeing now (after 2 years of knowing this guy), that it is definitely changing - in a good way. We don't see each other much (maybe once every couple of weeks), but I have begun to feel stronger in myself and less anxious in general. I don't know what the future holds, but it's definitely interesting.
I thought it was me...he lives with a guy that owns a home that is just OK, I have a gorgeous place where he is very comfortable and loved and said how much he likes it at my place, but would prefer to be in a "dorm style" home (he is 58yrs old) then to have a great life with me. I give him all the space he needs as I am a business owner with lots of friends, etc. Not sure how long I can be with someone that is not as evolved as I am...very tough. thanks for sharing your experience too!
My wife is the ultimate rolling stone. We were the perfect anxious avoidant relationship. We made it for 35 painful, empty years. It is ending now.... Finally!
40 years here. I wish I could leave but I think just knowing what is wrong with him has made me see things different . I only found out that he was dismissive avoidant a couple of weeks ago. I have not told him. No point . He would not do anything about it .
love the part where you acknowledged that avoidants feel deeply and often take commitment really seriously. Thank you for adding humanism to this attachment style with that! I get called cold and dismissive a lot and it's so nice to hear from someone who sees more subtlty in the situation.
My avoidant ex wife cheated when I was taking care of my father when he was dying, stating I had become emotionally needy. When caught she abandoned me with a foster child and an std. There’s nothing human about this attachment style. Being with one for 11 years was a living hell. Even when I tried to leave I was held hostage and manipulated and told how much I was loved. Avoid this style or regret it.
@@ShaunyP26 Whatever was going on with her and/or between you guys obviously can't solely be explained by her Avoidant Attachment Style. The fact that you are suggesting that every human being on earth who has an AA Style is a horrible person says a lot more about your character than that part of the population, which is around 25%.
Just recently came across attachment styles and finally understood what and why I behave the way I do, I have been in a relationship for 8 years with a fearfully anxious and me being dismissive avoidant, I am at the end of my rope.I have been putting so much work to overcome this but I am not nearly where I want to be.
That sounds like me... I had some emocional abused and neglected in my childhood, my first relationship ended very bad. I think because of that I develop this attachment style, I need space, hate being controled, fear I lose my individuality... on the other hand I feel the need to have an emotional connection
9 minutes in and I already feel so understood and heard… thank you, Briana, for your compassion and perceptive understanding of the avoidant style… there is so much content out there on dismissive avoidants that just made me feel worse, irritated, misunderstood and more isolated, not to mention comment sections rife with haters who have been hurt by avoidants. I am all ears, because you have piqued my trust…
Why do you defend avoidant behavior much more than anxious behavior. Like they need to be catered to. Expressing your needs for certain things isn’t crowding, it’s called communicating your needs.
I agree! And these avoidants flying their “love at the expense of personal freedom” flag is just mean… or am I misunderstanding ? Some seem proud .. some seem just as hurt .. ?
@@ronfox1901 most likely. I’m fearful avoidant, so I experience both. I think one has to understand avoidance and the repulsion of being engulfed to truly understand. I feel that if someone thinks I owe them my time, then it feels very smothering and invasive. Almost abusive in the way that they cross boundaries for their own gratification. Like they believe they have a “right” to me. Briana described it as being assaulted. This is correct. The only time I can handle this experience is if the person is primarily avoidant themselves or I have a history with them and they aren’t too clingy. Because I can also be anxious, I also understand the experience of unmet need and the intense desire for “more”. But I will try very hard not to impose this on somebody as I feel it’s very invasive to do this to someone.
@@AQ31276 Many (most?) Dismissive Avoidants (and FAs that lean heavily Avoidant) see an interdependent relationship as too entwined and lacking in freedom. If a Secure or Anxious individual decides to have a relationship with a DA that has this perspective they need to accept that emotionally they will be completely on their own. Why would this be at all appealing when there are partners that are actively seeking an interdependent relationship? If they think they are going to convince the DA to move in this direction, then they are deluding themself. No one can make someone do this, and even if A DA chooses to move in this direction on their own (most don't), it is a very difficult long-term change for a DA to make.
How do you know the difference between asking for basic need satisfaction and emotional crowding? I have had the experience that when I expressed a need that was basic in my mind, I was told by my rolling stone that it was my anxiety talking. I have a hard time distinguishing when a partner is using my anxiety to relinquish all responsibility in the relationship and when they are just asking me to be reasonable.
To be honest, the best thing that I've learned with a Rolling Stone is to never let them know you are an "Anxious" person. They will use thay information most of the time to blame your requests on you being "needy" and not "rational". The problem relies that both will have a complete different definition of what "Normal" and "Rational" is. You won't be able to make them see "why" something it's important for you, the only thing you can do is "tell them" it's important and set a boundary on it. My best recommendation is to bounce the idea of what you want to ask for with friends or family you trust to see if you are being rational. At the end of the day you decide what you need and when or how. Don't judge yourself for what you want or need. We are all different.
This is a brilliant conversation !! I am the anxious one and the husband is the avoidant . I have learned to tune IN to myself and not allow my anxiety to get the best of me . It is not sustainable to ask someone to continually fill your cup. IT IS AN INSIDE JOB... It is truly the only way . I am no longer taking his avoidant stuff personally. He communicates his need to have space and I appreciate that more than I can say. I use to take his need for space personally. My nervous system got such a momentum of triggers and I was ready to pack up and leave. Now that we have a deep understanding or our attachment styles ....the marriage has a balance and harmony that we did not have before . I am so grateful . Thank you for your knowledge and putting it out there . It has made a huge difference.
@Briana MacWilliam : I really love your gesture at 22' 18'' when you describe the meeting between open hearts emotional needs and avoidant reaction to this. It's so realistic ! Thank you for this video which is one of the clearest description I ever saw.
I've been talking daily to this amazing woman for about 8 months. We have so much in common and have been talking through video chats, voice notes, text etc. We were finally about to meet (she lives on the other side of the state as me) and she just pulled away. She basically told me she's afraid of falling in love with me and that she can't meet me now. I'm 100% she has this attachment style and now I am remembering some of the things she said, such as getting no affection from her parents, being in abusive relationships, saying she "freaks out when a guy tells her he likes here." Just a total bummer bc she is such an awesome chick. It is what it is I guess, I hope she heals this part of her..
Thats exactly what happened to me He couldnt have found a more understanding woman about his needs to not commit and be free but still love him … yet he cheated 💔
Descriptions are so On Point!!. I dearly love a Rolling Stone. I'm a Spice of Life. I feel like we were moving toward secure but I need more emotional forthcoming and connection. I know they are a deep feeler who is capable if willing to tend together.
"Loves comes at the cost of personal freedom" - so much YES! I'm currently "negotiating" with a (allegedly) fellow avoidant how we'll roll with it :D I have to say I'm fairly optimistic this could work.
Thank you for watching and for commenting! I am glad its helpful. Also, in the caption there is a link to my online course on the topic, if you would like to learn more.
The avoidant being relieved when their partner flirts is so dead on. Although I never physically cheated on my ex, I started to develop an emotional affair with a good friend of ours. I mean, I made it so obvious at times but my partner never said anything. I eventually confessed to having feelings for him and that I was willing to not talk to him or see him anymore and my avoidant says, "no, I want you two to still be friends, you need him." I was a little flabbergasted. We really tried our best to be the best people we could be, but he ultimately completely lacked the passion and excitement for me that I desperately needed. We did love each other, but I would've been miserable had I kept trying to make it work. Him not getting me anything for Christmas was really the straw that broke the camel's back. It was just a complete breakdown of anything we were going for. Although i tried to cling on, I think he wanted to break up, just didn't have the balls, so he was passive aggressive about it. I'm never going to allow myself to be emotionally neglected, ignored, or swallow the complete lack of mirroring any excitement or passion to me ever again. It was painful and really lonely at times. Extremely anxiety inducing and oh so frustrating. I had to employ my fantasy addiction onto being with someone else in order to survive the pain he caused me daily. That should have been a huge clue that he was NOT the one for me.
I am here because I have this very issue. I am scared of everything too emotional or getting into it. This video is just me and I am a little scared. I dismiss my emotions too much.
I've often picked up on my on/off partner's texting language, and at times perceived it to be very 'closed' language. For example instead of saying "How are you?", she'd say "I hope you are well", or instead of saying "what are you doing this weekend?" she'd say "I hope you have a nice weekend". It's all very 'closed' and seems intentional to prevent conversation. I find my response is to ask more questions as a means to maintain conversation. I confronted her on this before but this provoked an angry response. Is this kind of language typical of all DA's when trying to distance themselves, and what is the best way to respond to it?
I have observed the same. I don’t know that it’s intentionally distancing. Maybe that’s the default or how they communicate with everyone. Maybe it just doesn’t occur to them to ask a lot of questions - maybe related to the childhood bombardment and/or neglect.
This is literally like reliving my previous relationship and just about ALL the things you said are no joke VERBATIM the things my ex said to me through the course of our 7 year relationship.
I’ve been so bad with my avoidant partner... I didn’t realize he was avoidant and I’m still trying to figure out if he is narcissistic or avoidant. But if he is just avoidant I’ve been very bad. I’ve stalked him, violated his privacy, yelled, ultimatums, all of it. He actually has been decently patient with my huge anxiety to have a certainty from him, because apparently him saying that he wanted to be with me wasn’t true because “he wasn’t proving it” even tho he did in so many ways. I wanted more proof, almost like anything he did wasn’t “proof” enough. Of course he pulled away. I am working now on building our trust and connection back so this videos really help... we are doing a videocall soon for the first time in a week and i don’t want to fuck it up 😅
@@sofiapaladino5172 hey Sofia. Please Help me get into the mind of my now ex girlfriend. She was CONVINCED that I wasn’t “proving” my love and commitment for her despite me showing it in a million other ways. Basically, she wanted us to move in together, but I want ready to move in as I am avoidant (personal freedom, etc.) and she dumped me last week. I really want her back because she’s honestly amazing, but as this story is similar to yours, do you have any advice for me ? For context, we were together for 2 years
I found your channel today and I'm very grateful for it. There is a lot of information packed in these videos and the ads inserted in the videos make it hard to go with the flow. It would be nice to make them shorter, digestible sessions. This is only a suggestion. You've been the best one explaining attachment styles. Thank you very much.
I disagree with Briana that relationship with an avoidant gets better over time. I am fairly secure and was able to hold on for quite a while, but the sad truth is that dismissive partner gets used to not express emotions at all as time goes by and one is left wondering what is the meaning of being in a relationship with someone that does not give anything back. I walked away. It is not easy, but you have to be realistic - are you indeed ready to lower your expectations about relationship to such lows just to be with that person? Clearly you have chosen them because of your inner wounds - but those wounds will not be healed - more like scratched over and over like a bad rash. Yes, occasionally you will get bread crumbs and you will feel that your DA is finally seeing the light, but you are in for a rude surprise. They do not need you in their life until you are gone and then it is too late. So my advice is to walk away - unless your DA is aware and ready to do the work (for most of them it is not something they want to), just leave. However if you are into spending lots of time by yourself, you are super super secure and have lots of things going on in your professional life and do not need any PDA's from your partner, stick around for more.
I struggled myself in a friendship with a DA for months, it seems to be a never ending unsatisfying and frustrating "push and pull" relationship. I see that even for secure people it is a situation hard to manage, so for an anxious preoccupied as I tend to be, it is really tough.
Tony Manero, I get you and agree with what you are saying. I was also thinking that even as I am working on being more secure and more self-reliant, with hobbies that fulfil me, I would still expect from my partner emotional connection and to some extent, rely on them for support, sharing our feelings and thoughts, and the possibility to make plans together. Healthy love is said to be interdependent, so there is necessarily a level of mutual dependency that is accepted by both partners. And it is something that the avoidant individual is allergic to, for fear of being invaded upon, controlled or else. So if they don't work on that, and we accept that they don't want the closeness and interdependency entailed by a relationship, we are setting ourselves up for a painful and frustrating life. I mentioned the attachment theory to my avoidant and he doesn't seem to want to check it out. Like Briana said in this video, he doesn't question his doubts about his feelings, there's no self-reflection and introspection, he seems to believe he just doesn't feel "enough" and now he's ghosting me. Very frustrating situation as I sensed he loved me, from his actions, although he gradually shut down more and more. It only was four months and we lived together for half of it. I also read someone say it gets less and less with the avoidant partner as they want more space from you. This doesn't leave me with much hope.
From my experiance I also disagree, first 3 years with my DA ex were fantastic. sex everyday, so much connection, she shared my passion and took time to include herself in it. 3-4 year of relationship was kind a ok. 4+ years when she was talking about moving in together and me going on my knee and propose, she also started to distance herself from me. She turned a secure person into anxious/fearfull, so I split, told her to take her space and when she is ready to get back I will be here, she never reached out (3 years), when I reached out she told me she is over me etc. So yeah even tho I think I as a partner was good to her and wanted the best for both of us, it seems like she wanted only the best for herself, grass is greener I guess took over her thinking, Now I'm 8 months in no contact mode and saw her with another guy. Pity him. Never invest before a person like that figures herself out and works on it.
I think my ex boyfriend is anxious and I’m avoidant.... I never felt smothered just never believed he actually loved me the way he said he did so I kept him at an arms length. He eventually got more insecure and then ended it. I miss him and never realized how much I loved him and his affection.
@@lidiayoon4351 it's new for me too and healing to hear that avoidant feel so much too and suffer. They come across as very indifferent and not in touch with their emotions
Same here. My bf is anxiously attached. I want to be closer to my bf, want to get to know him more but he had a lot of walls up so I couldn’t feel safe about getting close to him. There have been threats of leaving before so uhhh... 😑
Shelby same situation here. I got more insecure and left my "at arms length" GF. How long after he left did you realize that you loved him and his affection? and are you over him?
Holy cow. This describes my experience entirely. Perhaps not as much now, but I do recognize some of the signs still. This is so interesting! I wish I'd known years ago.
I wish I could win back my ex by explaining what I've learned from this video (and many others) around attachment styles, a lot of what you said resonated with that relationship so well. My ex said we weren't 'compatible'. We were, we had similar values and wants in life but had different attachment styles which we didn't understand. Communication broke down, we drifted despite living together, sex died and resentment set in for me while she fell out of love. I understand now but it's far too late 😔
General Waste, good for you for learning about yourself. I recently got dumped by my DA. I dont think shes aware of attachment styles. With that said remember that part of the journey is the end. Use what you learned from your relationship in the future. Best of luck
I took your test but still unsure of my attachment style. A lot of the questions applied to me partially. My situation is somewhat different as I was in a 20 year reltionship that was mostly good but mostly a friendship and then had other ones that lasted a couple years. My mother has been with her husband for 35 years but it's her 4th one and the father figures prior to him were all cold and angry people. Dad lived far away and was afraid to fly and never came to visit. I feel like my story is somewhat complex but honestly I've processed most of it and just working on self 5 years without a relationship. I came across the attachment styles in the last year after a crush on someone who was giving me mixed signals that I built up a crazy fantasy about being "the one." I just want to be healed so I can stop being attracted to emotionally unavailable people. I'm a Hypnotherapist, studied alchemical hypnotherapy along with EFT, EMDR, etc in the healing arts for over 26 years. After all the work I had done was surprised the last one turned out the way it did and it really through me off my center. Wondering if your program would be helpful for where I am at this point and how I can be clear on what attachement style i'm dealing within myself. Thanks.
I think I'm an Anxious Avoidant and my husband is Dismissive Avoidant. Unfortunately, we separated as he has an abusive cycle that was getting no increasingly worse, including raging event followed by a long 2-3 months of silent treatment. This last one was 6 months.
excellent...I am in love with the "avoidant" and did not really know why I was always feeling insecure with him. I knew there was something amiss in his personality and could not quite figure it out. Until I stumbled upon your videos. It was like Uh HUH! I am very in tuned with my feelings and find it very easy to speak about them and like that about me because my partner always knows where they stand. This person is an avoidant to a T a perfectionist, does not like to be vulnerable, although he will express his love for me often, shuts down immediately if he deems the conversation will expect him to be vulnerable. Also, has had substance issues in the past (sober now), mysterious, aloof, although can be jealous? Like the comment here, he is avoidant until I get avoidant then he becomes anxious. thank you for making this video. Love to have a video on how to communicate with this type with out him becoming closed off?? Thank you!!
Instead of warming up...What if the DA was “all in” and then got doubts and left? Now only willing to see me exclusively but casually w walls up. Will a DA ever leave and then come back to a more serious in-depth relationship?
Maybe it's toxic, I don't know, but I feel like the more I give their independence and the more I spend more time being an individual the more I feel like I don't need them in my life anymore.... does that mean I didn't want them in my life to begin with? I don't know.
Sounds like a person I have shared a couple of your videos to that obviously needs help, but has ghosted me. And although it hurts to lose a friend Its possible you may also be able to help her as your expertise has helped me tremendously. I’m ready to accept unbiased perspectives in order to change for the better and grow as a human being. I hope she will be open to learning how her behavior is sabotaging her life. So she can make a few changes and understand herself more clearly. Thank you!
Am I the only lazy avoidant? Or I think I'm lazy when something doesn't interest me. If I'm actually working like summer jobs I usually do pretty well. She just talked about the avoidants who appear lazy/ apathetic lol...me
Sounds totally like a girl I met in my school days. I understood all my mistakes I made in this relationship then. We met after some years, my feelings were reborn and I had an experience of two other relationships. Everything looked good, I thought this time I avoided the mistakes I made in the past, but one day she just cut off the contact or was replying with just few words. I also remember, from my perspective, that she was misinterpreting things. I was feeling like she was thinking that my intention was to hurt her or her feelings, although I didn't use any judging phrase and didn't have bad intentions. Actually, we had three 'waves' of contact, everytime it was very intense, but rather short. We were kissing just once, but it eneded up as always - the contact been cut off. I don't blame her, of course, I was making mistakes and misinterpretations too. I just didn't understand her behavior and that was making me sad. I really hope she'll be happy someday. I wish I watched this a year ago, but even if it's too late for us, this is the knowledge I wanted to get.
![Are They Avoidant, or Just Not That Into Me? [Avoidant Attachment]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/vBpEKz2gHyU/mqdefault.jpg)
![Are They Avoidant, or Just Not That Into Me? [Avoidant Attachment]](/img/tr.png)
Wow spot on!! As said in many videos...its all about understanding them, their behaviours & ways....but WHY is there not MORE videos available to them....to understanding themselves & how they affect others/loved ones & what they can/should do about it...to heal.....if they can see it & choose to....but wether they search/seek or even see/want this is a whole different story!!!
I have struggled on/off for two years with an Avoidant & yes very painful/draining for the anxious....now this involvement has been my choice......but for how long before being reciprocal & the other having to walk on eggshells ...wondering when they are going to drop the bomb!!! " I cant do it" They can be very selfish when wanting/needing what they want ....yet not giving or understanding the wants/needs of the other....then when voiced....run!!! How is that fair/right????? I did walk & 3 months later he returned & i gave in AGAIN only to be told again 3 weeks later the same " Im not ready"!!!
I still feel so much for him regardless & yes have wanted to help/save him in the past which is normal for the anxiousl but have stopped that...he is so beautiful/loving/giving....yet its such a struggle with a lack of consistency & never knowing where i stand...doing the work by myself isnt right or fair...
Thanyou for this video from the anxious partner...ive sent him videos & he even offered therapy .....only to decline & run again!!! 😢
Thank you for commenting and for sharing your experience, Pure-Pisces. Sending you well wishes on your journey.
This is amazing. I started listening to Briana a few months ago. I always thought I was going through the secure attachment way, until I met my partner. I know he loves me, but him pulling away drove me insane for 3 months until I said to myself THIS HAS TO STOP. So internally I started to let go, downgrading my expectations on our relationship and being more observant. He doesnt like it, and keeps chasing me with questions like "are we ok?", I say yes, I started to comunicate my needs and boundaries without showing my emotions, I feel for the First time he listens to me, and only when I observe he is opening up I do it too. Not for him, is just I dont want to touch that hell againg of him pulling away leaving me on emotional distress. I have my friends that will listen to me if I need to cry or explain my feelings, I enjoy lonely time, I dance, I write my emotions down, I take lonely time as I used to and it helps a lot. Is so sad I cant share this with him without him feeling overwhelmed. But I still love him and I value all the things he is doing to show up for this relationship. I dont know if with time he will open up more (he is now without me chasing him around) but what Im fearing is he wasting my time, not commiting for a long term relationship, family and living together as we agreed on the First stages. I will give him some time through. For the information I have now, he goes step by step slowly, and is not excited to talk about the future as I do as a sign of commitment.
Briana, can you talk about the type of friendship the avoidant tends to create? I have been searching that info. I feel they get into this really unbalanced friendships where is more about them proving themselves to people that are so selfish and damaging. Thank you!
“Loves comes at the cost of personal freedom”
Hell yeah!
So sad .
Depends upon the country and culture
If personal freedom implies treating your partner like garbage, doing whatever you want, and expecting them to accept it. This logic is nonsense.
Not necessarily
Them: " I love you"
Me: "But why?!"
The sad reality of being an individual who has this attachment style that even if we met a person who has good intentions in a relationship we will still question their 'love'
That's my now exboyfriend.
Jaw on the floor. Literally had that experience.
This is crazy on point so far..
I believe my BF to be Avoidant , I’m anxious . Are you saying avoidants question love? He just seems so ok with everything?!
YEs! My avoidant in the beginning hinted at this, saying if "I wasn't funny and good in bed, you wouldn't be with me". I thought he was just joking. Soon as things got more intimate and deeper, he stopped expressing his feelings, and it's become mostly his doubts, questioning his feelings and wanting to end it. Now we are away and he's doing the fade out.
I’m ready to stop being stuck in insightful circles.
My ex was a dismissive avoidant. He was terrible in crisis situations because he would back away and act like the problem was all mine, and I had to deal with it on my own. Sadly, he did this even with a health crisis and refused to be supportive and told me that me asking him to be there for me was "asking too much" of him.
I hear that!
Very jerk-like behaviour
This sounds more like a narcissist, not all avoidants are narcissistic but all narcissists are avoidants.
Consider the possibility that his response to you is how most people have responded to him growing up. If all you know is that you're on your own in a crisis because no one wants to help you, not only do you not know what it looks like to be there for someone else, but you've also come to understand that this is just how things are. He's been taught that his problems are his own and he should not expect any help from anyone and so, this must be true for everyone.
Glad he is an ex. Those actions are not tolerable, nor should you try to convince them of anything.
I am an avoidant until someone is avoidant with me, the. I become anxious...
Nikki Holley is this possible? I feel I do the same thing.
In my last relationship I was detached and bored and “not feeling it” but as soon as he called it off I was clamoring to get him back. The more distant he got and the more he blew me off the more anxious I got...
I think that makes us fearful avoidants
@@mv1362 I thought fearful avoidant(disorganized) arent a big part of the population. I guess were special ;-P
@@muwu30 a special kind of nightmare :)
I’m currently dealing with a woman who’s avoidant and it made realize that I have an anxious attachment style. I’m learning as much as I can because I really want this to work out.
Dont.
@@raversfantasy8873 yea it’s done. I couldn’t
Dude, i cant anymore. Im so fucking finished. Cheating. Lying. Constant Blameshifting. I cant anymore.
@@TheJoshyCee it'll be painful for some time but its for the best ultimately. better short term pain than it drag on even longer.
@@guiwang4ever I think the worst part is that it feels like they just don’t care or maybe they do and they’re good at hiding it but whatever
Realy good description of me. I suffered emotional, physical and mental abuse at the hands of my caretakes. I have never understood emotions and always couldn't recognize it when it showed up without notice. I feel personally ,the people who are been neglected and abused by caretakers develop core trust issues with different attachment styles. I've always struggled with Anxiety and used Alcohol to bandage my CPTSD condition. This video is right on the money for few like us ,who know how it feels to be abandoned. On a positive note, the way to heal is to feel. Love to all.
I learn and digest information at my own pace.
You are the best person on UA-cam for attachment styles!! Thank you so much.
My partner is avoidant type, i am anxious type - you are talking about us.
We had recently the first argument,almost broke up.
Thanks to you i started to understand him better and we communicate more now.
We love each other and want to make our relationship work.
Perfectly described the Anxious with the planting and pulling at the roots to MAKE it grow.. A DA fights it coming out of the soil.. the plant anology great
This video is spot on. I was dating this guy for about 2 months. He's clearly an avoidant and I am no doubt an anxious. Last week, he basically ended it saying he just didn't see it, could feel my angst, etc. The irony is that my anxiety was amped up because I didn't know where this relationship was going. I definitely need to work on my anxious attachment issues. Being aware of it is the first step. Also, since we ended it, my anxiety over the relationship has ended too.
I highly recommend reading “Attached” by Dr. Amir Levine! It explains how and why anxious attachment is activated and what you can do to have more balanced relationships.
There's an audiobook on you tube for *ATTACHED*.
It's a must listen.
I just want to leave a comment here saying that I'm going through the same thing, and that like you, I am now away that I am anxiously attached and it is something to work on. But it is also about choosing the right partner (secure person) or seeing if the avoidant will be willing to work on themselves too (usually not). Because, their avoidant tendencies/lack of reassurance trigger your anxiety in the first place, and conversely, your attachment drives them to withdraw more so its an endless loop.
@@SangheiliSpecOp A secure person will feel the same way about being with an anxious person. You need to heal your attachment style.
@@simonebracy9103 Yeah thats very true
Feel high anxiety when im with him, feel relief when im not with him
I’m an Avoidant Rolling Stone I’m sorry to say I keep love at bay.
This is me! I want to be better and more emotionally/intimately available for my partner.
I’m ready to stop getting stuck in insightful circles.
I’m a champion of the underdog and believe in the greater good.
Wow this is definitely me for sure. When I was dating my ex he wanted to put a label on it but I didn't because I was scared and I felt like I was suffocating. I wasn't sure how I really felt about him. I was terrified. I kept breaking up with him. When we were apart I missed him. When we were together I felt uncomfortable. My chest hurt
@@EMBEEMusic23 I'm so sorry about what you went through with your partner. That does sound like irrational behavior. On the one hand its not his fault. He never meant to hurt you. I think he may be healing from his own hurt and trauma and he could he struggling to open up about it. On the other hand, communication is important too. I think if he maybe tried to open up more about his issues in a way you could understand then maybe things could have turned out differently. But don't quote me on that. Some people are different and they deal with their issues in their own way. I believe you deserve to be happy too. I hope ur partner can heal from his internal pain. To answer your question about the fear, I was scared if committing to my ex because I wasn't sure if he was right for me. He had a serious personality and he was emotionally unavailable. He grew up with a dysfunctional family just like me so he didn't know how to show emotional affection. I believe I am a wishy washy person because of my schizophrenic mother and paranoid father. They were both mentally ill so they could not give me the love I needed. Now I struggle to get close to people because I'm afraid. I want a relationship but at the same time I don't. Being a rolling stone sucks. Its the worst feeling I ever felt
Tami Moroz 😔
sounds like my current gf.
@@EMBEEMusic23 i'm in the same kind of relationship. After 10 months in heaven he started talking about moving in together. Litterally when i saw him 2 days later he put me at arms lenght and for 6 weeks now we've had no sex, no kissing and few hugs. The verbal affection low to. Of cause i tired to talk, understand, it just drove him further away. He asks that i respekt and tolerate him proces and he's trying to sort it out with a therapist. Meanwhile i deal with the wound in me, having had a distant unattached father. I so miss what we had and wonder if i can be strong or even should be strong. Maybe the most healthy healing for me is just moving on. His proces is not just fixed in weeks and this kind of reaction is most likeky going on his intire life. I do see the love in his eyes and from time to time he pulls me close in a long warm hug. I know he suffers too. This keeps me heart open in the pain. I Hope we can learn to work with it and heal the wounds.
@@tamimoroz4655 I read your comment and its exactly same situation as my gf. My gf is avoidant and her mother also have schizophrenia. She told me she had some childhood trauma and she feel uncomfortable with intimacy. I want to be serious relationship with her but she's uncomfortable with it. What should I do ..how should I convince her ?
I know how to get the job done and I complete it with conviction.
I’m an avoidant. I was literally thinking “I always end up with level 5 clingers” and then you just said it. In a much more articulate way, obviously.
haha. me too, sister.❤
Me too!
I love a degree of perfectionism.
Spot on !! My partner. I'm anxioux. We're both psycotherapists yet we're struggling with this. Love your clear and detailed description!
This hits the nail on the head for me Briana.
@chrismcevoy2503 Glad you liked this video! Thank you for commenting.
This is a fascinating subject. I am anxious attachment - a guy I've been seeing on and off for a couple of years is dismissive avoidant (text book case). this has been an extremely painful journey for me, but also one where I have learnt a lot (about myself as well as him.) I constantly want to help him evolve - even though I'm not sure he wants to. I have decided that through me learning about this disorder, as well as doing work on myself, hopefully I will grow to be more "stable attachment". The most difficult part of this relationship (if I can call it that), is that 4 months into seeing each other - he wanted to stop physical intimacy with me, as he said it made him feel overwhelmed. However, the upside of this is that I think we have developed a closer emotional bond. So thank you Briana - I would have to agree with you, that I am only seeing now (after 2 years of knowing this guy), that it is definitely changing - in a good way. We don't see each other much (maybe once every couple of weeks), but I have begun to feel stronger in myself and less anxious in general. I don't know what the future holds, but it's definitely interesting.
I thought it was me...he lives with a guy that owns a home that is just OK, I have a gorgeous place where he is very comfortable and loved and said how much he likes it at my place, but would prefer to be in a "dorm style" home (he is 58yrs old) then to have a great life with me. I give him all the space he needs as I am a business owner with lots of friends, etc. Not sure how long I can be with someone that is not as evolved as I am...very tough. thanks for sharing your experience too!
Omg Ingrid...how little to you expect for yourself....so sad
@@laurieroth4589 Sounds like my boyfriend
I believe if you want something done right you’ve got to do it yourself.
My wife is the ultimate rolling stone. We were the perfect anxious avoidant relationship. We made it for 35 painful, empty years. It is ending now.... Finally!
Good for you! Maybe I got out just in time in five years.
So was it worth it? What made you stay such a long time ?
How did you guys even make it to 35 years?? How did she even say yes to the proposal 😨
40 years here. I wish I could leave but I think just knowing what is wrong with him has made me see things different . I only found out that he was dismissive avoidant a couple of weeks ago. I have not told him. No point . He would not do anything about it .
So sad to read this and make me glad i got dismissed early on.
Saved!
love the part where you acknowledged that avoidants feel deeply and often take commitment really seriously. Thank you for adding humanism to this attachment style with that! I get called cold and dismissive a lot and it's so nice to hear from someone who sees more subtlty in the situation.
Yeah, I like that, too.
My avoidant ex wife cheated when I was taking care of my father when he was dying, stating I had become emotionally needy. When caught she abandoned me with a foster child and an std.
There’s nothing human about this attachment style. Being with one for 11 years was a living hell. Even when I tried to leave I was held hostage and manipulated and told how much I was loved.
Avoid this style or regret it.
😔
@@ShaunyP26 Whatever was going on with her and/or between you guys obviously can't solely be explained by her Avoidant Attachment Style. The fact that you are suggesting that every human being on earth who has an AA Style is a horrible person says a lot more about your character than that part of the population, which is around 25%.
@@LauraHR86 Please point to the place where I said “every human being on earth with an AA attachment style is a horrible person.”
Just recently came across attachment styles and finally understood what and why I behave the way I do, I have been in a relationship for 8 years with a fearfully anxious and me being dismissive avoidant, I am at the end of my rope.I have been putting so much work to overcome this but I am not nearly where I want to be.
I’m a champion of the underdog and I believe in the greater good.
Thank you for commenting and sharing your perspective, Chris Mc Evoy.
That sounds like me... I had some emocional abused and neglected in my childhood, my first relationship ended very bad. I think because of that I develop this attachment style, I need space, hate being controled, fear I lose my individuality... on the other hand I feel the need to have an emotional connection
9 minutes in and I already feel so understood and heard… thank you, Briana, for your compassion and perceptive understanding of the avoidant style… there is so much content out there on dismissive avoidants that just made me feel worse, irritated, misunderstood and more isolated, not to mention comment sections rife with haters who have been hurt by avoidants. I am all ears, because you have piqued my trust…
GEEZ AVOIDING RESPONSABILITY AS ALWAYS
Why do you defend avoidant behavior much more than anxious behavior. Like they need to be catered to.
Expressing your needs for certain things isn’t crowding, it’s called communicating your needs.
Thank you!
I agree! And these avoidants flying their “love at the expense of personal freedom” flag is just mean… or am I misunderstanding ? Some seem proud .. some seem just as hurt .. ?
Because she is avoidant herself.
@@ronfox1901 most likely. I’m fearful avoidant, so I experience both. I think one has to understand avoidance and the repulsion of being engulfed to truly understand. I feel that if someone thinks I owe them my time, then it feels very smothering and invasive. Almost abusive in the way that they cross boundaries for their own gratification. Like they believe they have a “right” to me. Briana described it as being assaulted. This is correct. The only time I can handle this experience is if the person is primarily avoidant themselves or I have a history with them and they aren’t too clingy.
Because I can also be anxious, I also understand the experience of unmet need and the intense desire for “more”. But I will try very hard not to impose this on somebody as I feel it’s very invasive to do this to someone.
@@AQ31276 Many (most?) Dismissive Avoidants (and FAs that lean heavily Avoidant) see an interdependent relationship as too entwined and lacking in freedom. If a Secure or Anxious individual decides to have a relationship with a DA that has this perspective they need to accept that emotionally they will be completely on their own. Why would this be at all appealing when there are partners that are actively seeking an interdependent relationship? If they think they are going to convince the DA to move in this direction, then they are deluding themself. No one can make someone do this, and even if A DA chooses to move in this direction on their own (most don't), it is a very difficult long-term change for a DA to make.
I believe if you want something done you have to do it yourself.
How do you know the difference between asking for basic need satisfaction and emotional crowding? I have had the experience that when I expressed a need that was basic in my mind, I was told by my rolling stone that it was my anxiety talking. I have a hard time distinguishing when a partner is using my anxiety to relinquish all responsibility in the relationship and when they are just asking me to be reasonable.
I completely agree and concur with this as well...always felt this in my five years.
To be honest, the best thing that I've learned with a Rolling Stone is to never let them know you are an "Anxious" person. They will use thay information most of the time to blame your requests on you being "needy" and not "rational". The problem relies that both will have a complete different definition of what "Normal" and "Rational" is. You won't be able to make them see "why" something it's important for you, the only thing you can do is "tell them" it's important and set a boundary on it. My best recommendation is to bounce the idea of what you want to ask for with friends or family you trust to see if you are being rational. At the end of the day you decide what you need and when or how. Don't judge yourself for what you want or need. We are all different.
This is a brilliant conversation !! I am the anxious one and the husband is the avoidant . I have learned to tune IN to myself and not allow my anxiety to get the best of me . It is not sustainable to ask someone to continually fill your cup. IT IS AN INSIDE JOB... It is truly the only way . I am no longer taking his avoidant stuff personally. He communicates his need to have space and I appreciate that more than I can say. I use to take his need for space personally. My nervous system got such a momentum of triggers and I was ready to pack up and leave. Now that we have a deep understanding or our attachment styles ....the marriage has a balance and harmony that we did not have before . I am so grateful . Thank you for your knowledge and putting it out there . It has made a huge difference.
Thank you for your comment and for sharing a bit of your experience. I’m happy for your success and well wishes on your journey!❤️🙏
It’s hitting the nail on the head for me Briana.
Chris Mc Evoy Thank you for commenting. I’m glad the content has been helpful!
Chris Mc Evoy 💛💝✌ glad it resonates!
I’m methodical and analytical.
@Briana MacWilliam : I really love your gesture at 22' 18'' when you describe the meeting between open hearts emotional needs and avoidant reaction to this. It's so realistic ! Thank you for this video which is one of the clearest description I ever saw.
yes, that was brilliant for me too. I want to replay that clip for people, to explain how I feel. maybe I’ll record it and send it out. haha
The anxious needs to be the sun soil and water for the avoidant...
What about years of farming that yields an even more passive avoidant?
😂🤣truth
I think I have strength, charisma, and an independent attitude.
I've been talking daily to this amazing woman for about 8 months. We have so much in common and have been talking through video chats, voice notes, text etc.
We were finally about to meet (she lives on the other side of the state as me) and she just pulled away.
She basically told me she's afraid of falling in love with me and that she can't meet me now.
I'm 100% she has this attachment style and now I am remembering some of the things she said, such as getting no affection from her parents, being in abusive relationships, saying she "freaks out when a guy tells her he likes here."
Just a total bummer bc she is such an awesome chick. It is what it is I guess, I hope she heals this part of her..
I love Avoidant Attachment I’m a Rolling Stone.
I gave my rolling stone lots of space and freedom only to find out he had been cheating on me for 3 years! We were together for over 12 years!
That sucks. I'm an open heart and 3 avoidants entered my life, committed and reneged different ways.
Thats exactly what happened to me
He couldnt have found a more understanding woman about his needs to not commit and be free but still love him … yet he cheated 💔
Descriptions are so On Point!!. I dearly love a Rolling Stone. I'm a Spice of Life. I feel like we were moving toward secure but I need more emotional forthcoming and connection. I know they are a deep feeler who is capable if willing to tend together.
Thanks for the video. I am learning that facing my Avoidant attachment style is something I'm going to have to do at some point 😅
"Loves comes at the cost of personal freedom" - so much YES!
I'm currently "negotiating" with a (allegedly) fellow avoidant how we'll roll with it :D I have to say I'm fairly optimistic this could work.
Thank you for watching and for commenting! I am glad its helpful. Also, in the caption there is a link to my online course on the topic, if you would like to learn more.
The avoidant being relieved when their partner flirts is so dead on. Although I never physically cheated on my ex, I started to develop an emotional affair with a good friend of ours. I mean, I made it so obvious at times but my partner never said anything. I eventually confessed to having feelings for him and that I was willing to not talk to him or see him anymore and my avoidant says, "no, I want you two to still be friends, you need him." I was a little flabbergasted. We really tried our best to be the best people we could be, but he ultimately completely lacked the passion and excitement for me that I desperately needed. We did love each other, but I would've been miserable had I kept trying to make it work. Him not getting me anything for Christmas was really the straw that broke the camel's back. It was just a complete breakdown of anything we were going for. Although i tried to cling on, I think he wanted to break up, just didn't have the balls, so he was passive aggressive about it. I'm never going to allow myself to be emotionally neglected, ignored, or swallow the complete lack of mirroring any excitement or passion to me ever again. It was painful and really lonely at times. Extremely anxiety inducing and oh so frustrating. I had to employ my fantasy addiction onto being with someone else in order to survive the pain he caused me daily. That should have been a huge clue that he was NOT the one for me.
Yes sounds like me Briana.
I am here because I have this very issue. I am scared of everything too emotional or getting into it. This video is just me and I am a little scared. I dismiss my emotions too much.
I've often picked up on my on/off partner's texting language, and at times perceived it to be very 'closed' language. For example instead of saying "How are you?", she'd say "I hope you are well", or instead of saying "what are you doing this weekend?" she'd say "I hope you have a nice weekend". It's all very 'closed' and seems intentional to prevent conversation. I find my response is to ask more questions as a means to maintain conversation.
I confronted her on this before but this provoked an angry response. Is this kind of language typical of all DA's when trying to distance themselves, and what is the best way to respond to it?
Interesting observations
Wow..just wow
I have observed the same. I don’t know that it’s intentionally distancing. Maybe that’s the default or how they communicate with everyone. Maybe it just doesn’t occur to them to ask a lot of questions - maybe related to the childhood bombardment and/or neglect.
Let them take their space. Let them know you don’t take it personally and you’re there when they’re ready. Do you’re best to meet your own needs.
My dismissive avoidant partner uses this exact texting language as well. Very interesting
I enjoyed this Briana.
This is literally like reliving my previous relationship and just about ALL the things you said are no joke VERBATIM the things my ex said to me through the course of our 7 year relationship.
I’ve been so bad with my avoidant partner... I didn’t realize he was avoidant and I’m still trying to figure out if he is narcissistic or avoidant. But if he is just avoidant I’ve been very bad. I’ve stalked him, violated his privacy, yelled, ultimatums, all of it. He actually has been decently patient with my huge anxiety to have a certainty from him, because apparently him saying that he wanted to be with me wasn’t true because “he wasn’t proving it” even tho he did in so many ways. I wanted more proof, almost like anything he did wasn’t “proof” enough. Of course he pulled away. I am working now on building our trust and connection back so this videos really help... we are doing a videocall soon for the first time in a week and i don’t want to fuck it up 😅
Here is the deal.....you are not compatible. The end
@@evaollie9208 yeah he dumped me
@@sofiapaladino5172 hey Sofia. Please Help me get into the mind of my now ex girlfriend. She was CONVINCED that I wasn’t “proving” my love and commitment for her despite me showing it in a million other ways. Basically, she wanted us to move in together, but I want ready to move in as I am avoidant (personal freedom, etc.) and she dumped me last week. I really want her back because she’s honestly amazing, but as this story is similar to yours, do you have any advice for me ? For context, we were together for 2 years
I found your channel today and I'm very grateful for it. There is a lot of information packed in these videos and the ads inserted in the videos make it hard to go with the flow. It would be nice to make them shorter, digestible sessions. This is only a suggestion. You've been the best one explaining attachment styles. Thank you very much.
She had older videos through which I discovered her which were more clear and concise IIRC but she sadly took them down
Thumbs up Briana.
Bless your heart, Briana. This is God's work.
I disagree with Briana that relationship with an avoidant gets better over time. I am fairly secure and was able to hold on for quite a while, but the sad truth is that dismissive partner gets used to not express emotions at all as time goes by and one is left wondering what is the meaning of being in a relationship with someone that does not give anything back. I walked away. It is not easy, but you have to be realistic - are you indeed ready to lower your expectations about relationship to such lows just to be with that person?
Clearly you have chosen them because of your inner wounds - but those wounds will not be healed - more like scratched over and over like a bad rash. Yes, occasionally you will get bread crumbs and you will feel that your DA is finally seeing the light, but you are in for a rude surprise. They do not need you in their life until you are gone and then it is too late. So my advice is to walk away - unless your DA is aware and ready to do the work (for most of them it is not something they want to), just leave. However if you are into spending lots of time by yourself, you are super super secure and have lots of things going on in your professional life and do not need any PDA's from your partner, stick around for more.
I’m a DA and space and freedom in my relationship is what works best. he’s whole and complete on his own.
I struggled myself in a friendship with a DA for months, it seems to be a never ending unsatisfying and frustrating "push and pull" relationship. I see that even for secure people it is a situation hard to manage, so for an anxious preoccupied as I tend to be, it is really tough.
Tony Manero, I get you and agree with what you are saying. I was also thinking that even as I am working on being more secure and more self-reliant, with hobbies that fulfil me, I would still expect from my partner emotional connection and to some extent, rely on them for support, sharing our feelings and thoughts, and the possibility to make plans together. Healthy love is said to be interdependent, so there is necessarily a level of mutual dependency that is accepted by both partners. And it is something that the avoidant individual is allergic to, for fear of being invaded upon, controlled or else. So if they don't work on that, and we accept that they don't want the closeness and interdependency entailed by a relationship, we are setting ourselves up for a painful and frustrating life. I mentioned the attachment theory to my avoidant and he doesn't seem to want to check it out. Like Briana said in this video, he doesn't question his doubts about his feelings, there's no self-reflection and introspection, he seems to believe he just doesn't feel "enough" and now he's ghosting me. Very frustrating situation as I sensed he loved me, from his actions, although he gradually shut down more and more. It only was four months and we lived together for half of it. I also read someone say it gets less and less with the avoidant partner as they want more space from you. This doesn't leave me with much hope.
From my experiance I also disagree, first 3 years with my DA ex were fantastic. sex everyday, so much connection, she shared my passion and took time to include herself in it. 3-4 year of relationship was kind a ok. 4+ years when she was talking about moving in together and me going on my knee and propose, she also started to distance herself from me. She turned a secure person into anxious/fearfull, so I split, told her to take her space and when she is ready to get back I will be here, she never reached out (3 years), when I reached out she told me she is over me etc. So yeah even tho I think I as a partner was good to her and wanted the best for both of us, it seems like she wanted only the best for herself, grass is greener I guess took over her thinking, Now I'm 8 months in no contact mode and saw her with another guy. Pity him. Never invest before a person like that figures herself out and works on it.
And remember that when u leave the DA they will not fight for you. They’re incapable of it.
Briana, you really were born to do this. Thank you I'm gonna be the sun and the water. Thank you again ❤
I have a strong work ethic and I know how to get the job done.
I’m new to attachment.
I keep love at bay.
Thank you for making these videos. They have been helping me a LOT. Also, I love that your cat wants to be part of the videos.
I believe in the greater good.
I think my ex boyfriend is anxious and I’m avoidant.... I never felt smothered just never believed he actually loved me the way he said he did so I kept him at an arms length. He eventually got more insecure and then ended it. I miss him and never realized how much I loved him and his affection.
Thank you for sharing this.
I never knew avoidants can actually miss someone, just thought they always suppress their feelings and be dismissive about it.
@@lidiayoon4351 it's new for me too and healing to hear that avoidant feel so much too and suffer. They come across as very indifferent and not in touch with their emotions
Same here. My bf is anxiously attached. I want to be closer to my bf, want to get to know him more but he had a lot of walls up so I couldn’t feel safe about getting close to him. There have been threats of leaving before so uhhh... 😑
Shelby same situation here. I got more insecure and left my "at arms length" GF. How long after he left did you realize that you loved him and his affection? and are you over him?
This lady is wicked smart.
I’m ready to get out of that quicksand Briana I’m just apprehensive.
Holy cow. This describes my experience entirely. Perhaps not as much now, but I do recognize some of the signs still. This is so interesting! I wish I'd known years ago.
I wish I could win back my ex by explaining what I've learned from this video (and many others) around attachment styles, a lot of what you said resonated with that relationship so well. My ex said we weren't 'compatible'. We were, we had similar values and wants in life but had different attachment styles which we didn't understand. Communication broke down, we drifted despite living together, sex died and resentment set in for me while she fell out of love.
I understand now but it's far too late 😔
Thank you for watching and for sharing your experience. Much appreciated and well wishes on your journey.
Was she the dismissive one?
@@mismiserables If either of us was, that was me, regrettably.
General Waste, good for you for learning about yourself. I recently got dumped by my DA. I dont think shes aware of attachment styles. With that said remember that part of the journey is the end. Use what you learned from your relationship in the future. Best of luck
I have high avoidance and low anxiety.
I’m a self-starter.
I don’t take things to personally I’m a really good listener.
I’m really good in a crisis I think.
thank you for your valuables expertise on these topics and your voice is very soothing and pleasant
I took your test but still unsure of my attachment style. A lot of the questions applied to me partially. My situation is somewhat different as I was in a 20 year reltionship that was mostly good but mostly a friendship and then had other ones that lasted a couple years. My mother has been with her husband for 35 years but it's her 4th one and the father figures prior to him were all cold and angry people. Dad lived far away and was afraid to fly and never came to visit. I feel like my story is somewhat complex but honestly I've processed most of it and just working on self 5 years without a relationship. I came across the attachment styles in the last year after a crush on someone who was giving me mixed signals that I built up a crazy fantasy about being "the one." I just want to be healed so I can stop being attracted to emotionally unavailable people. I'm a Hypnotherapist, studied alchemical hypnotherapy along with EFT, EMDR, etc in the healing arts for over 26 years. After all the work I had done was surprised the last one turned out the way it did and it really through me off my center. Wondering if your program would be helpful for where I am at this point and how I can be clear on what attachement style i'm dealing within myself. Thanks.
I’m like a fine wine being a Rolling Stone.
@12:46 Not Keep my options open. I'D REALLY LIKE TO BREATHE!!
Great Video! Get out of my head.
I’m a Rolling Stone I’m like a fine wine you’ve got to let me age over time I get better with time.
I’m like a fine wine.
I’m a champion of the underdog Briana.
I have an underlying fear of abandonment and rejection.
I think I'm an Anxious Avoidant and my husband is Dismissive Avoidant. Unfortunately, we separated as he has an abusive cycle that was getting no increasingly worse, including raging event followed by a long 2-3 months of silent treatment. This last one was 6 months.
The livestream was very interesting.
This sounds like the kind of partner who I tend to attract. I am an open heart.
You're describing the life of me and my partner
excellent...I am in love with the "avoidant" and did not really know why I was always feeling insecure with him. I knew there was something amiss in his personality and could not quite figure it out. Until I stumbled upon your videos. It was like Uh HUH! I am very in tuned with my feelings and find it very easy to speak about them and like that about me because my partner always knows where they stand. This person is an avoidant to a T a perfectionist, does not like to be vulnerable, although he will express his love for me often, shuts down immediately if he deems the conversation will expect him to be vulnerable. Also, has had substance issues in the past (sober now), mysterious, aloof, although can be jealous? Like the comment here, he is avoidant until I get avoidant then he becomes anxious. thank you for making this video. Love to have a video on how to communicate with this type with out him becoming closed off?? Thank you!!
I am in the same boat this describes it perfectly
My experience EXACTLY!! Now what to do about it …
I do feel things intensely and I do struggle with perfectionism.
Freakin' brilliant. Spot on video I just watched. Jaw ajar.
I think I would be good in a crisis situation.
Instead of warming up...What if the DA was “all in” and then got doubts and left? Now only willing to see me exclusively but casually w walls up. Will a DA ever leave and then come back to a more serious in-depth relationship?
I’m an Avoidant Briana I’m a Rolling Stone.
Yes, we all see your Avoidant behaviour. Thanks for being such a great example.
I struggle with what is love anyway and how do I know when I feel it?
Maybe it's toxic, I don't know, but I feel like the more I give their independence and the more I spend more time being an individual the more I feel like I don't need them in my life anymore.... does that mean I didn't want them in my life to begin with? I don't know.
Sounds like a person I have shared a couple of your videos to that obviously needs help, but has ghosted me. And although it hurts to lose a friend Its possible you may also be able to help her as your expertise has helped me tremendously. I’m ready to accept unbiased perspectives in order to change for the better and grow as a human being. I hope she will be open to learning how her behavior is sabotaging her life. So she can make a few changes and understand herself more clearly.
Thank you!
Cobra King same here!
Am I the only lazy avoidant? Or I think I'm lazy when something doesn't interest me. If I'm actually working like summer jobs I usually do pretty well.
She just talked about the avoidants who appear lazy/ apathetic lol...me
Excellent. We are now in no contact for almost a month. I want to reach out and text my avoidant but afraid there might be no response.
I would clam up.
Sounds totally like a girl I met in my school days. I understood all my mistakes I made in this relationship then. We met after some years, my feelings were reborn and I had an experience of two other relationships. Everything looked good, I thought this time I avoided the mistakes I made in the past, but one day she just cut off the contact or was replying with just few words. I also remember, from my perspective, that she was misinterpreting things. I was feeling like she was thinking that my intention was to hurt her or her feelings, although I didn't use any judging phrase and didn't have bad intentions. Actually, we had three 'waves' of contact, everytime it was very intense, but rather short. We were kissing just once, but it eneded up as always - the contact been cut off.
I don't blame her, of course, I was making mistakes and misinterpretations too. I just didn't understand her behavior and that was making me sad. I really hope she'll be happy someday. I wish I watched this a year ago, but even if it's too late for us, this is the knowledge I wanted to get.
I’m caught in the Anxious-Avoidant Trap.
Excellent description!