The Capacity to Give up on People
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- Опубліковано 15 тра 2024
- We're usually taught that being loyal to people through difficulty is always the right way. But in fact, at points, a good life requires us to do something that may feel highly strange, but also highly liberating: give up on one or two people, with whom we have already tried too hard for our own good.
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“For noble and very understandable reasons, we’ve come to associate maturity and kindness with a capacity not to give up on people. Our heroes and heroines keep faith with those they love. They don’t throw in the towel when trouble rears its head. They put up with the hardships and friction. Running away is disloyalty. Many things are dispensable: people shouldn’t be…”
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yaaaay
Hi there i started doing some yt covers (im not a pro so any suggestion would help ty:)
People are pointless and annoying. Most of em don’t even do fuck all... just sit there, breathing, eating, defecating. Most people aren’t even worth the time to say a single word too either. Simplistic bastards.
I really dont know if i can trust your video. Like who wrote this? Just a reandom person? a psychiatrist? somebody who has studied this topic?
So happy to see this! Been missing them a lot.
When someone puts you in the position where you feel like you have to choose them or you, choose yourself every time.
You’ll be the one to have to live with you, they don’t
If you're asking yourself if you should stay or go you've already answered your question.
Yes
But how do you love yourself if you don't even understand yourself
Thankyou,i needed to hear this.
In Buddhists circles they say: ‘Let them into your heart but not in your living room’. In other words, forgive them privately in your thoughts but don’t invite them in.
That's a great saying. I'll remember it. Good looking out. Also great name
That’s beautiful, where did you find that?
Sounds like something Rin would say
peter Smith sorry but. What are you even trying to convey? I’m not trying to be rude I’m just genuinely puzzled by this comment. There’s a lot of words but no meaning 😶
Our basic nature is good and pure at its core. You must have compassion for yourself. You wish that person the best, but having compassion for yourself means you may need to get them out of your life.
It's not "giving up" on the other person, it's about saving yourself🌞
Yes exactly
Even though you I might lose a friend so yeah sure I'll give up on them and just ignore them because whenever I'm with them I don't feel happy at all
Not always so!
The benefit of the doubt, there's a price to pay, don't give up, have faith in the future, be devoted no matter what difficulty, the blame game, if your loyalty was questioned, walk away 🚩✅💲
Exactly, when I was going through a difficult time, it honestly lasted years, was married to an alcoholic. No one gave up their life or time to help me. Looking back I see that makes total sense!!
"I'm guilty of giving people more chances than they deserve but when I'm done, I'm done."
-Turcois Ominek
Cool
Me TOO.
Holy crap.. I've said this damn near verbatim... I'm this Turcois person reincarnate... unless he's alive, then I'm his spirit animal...
THIIIIIIIIIIIIIS OMG THISSSSSSS
@@Badboyifier ugh
The reason I was holding onto toxic people was to prove that I was a good enough person to mentor a broken one.
I realized I am enough just by myself and don't need to prove anything to anyone.
Yes! Have a better life with better people around you. :)
❤️
Ahhhhhh your statement is so spot on for me too. I feel this.
@diana ikr 🙏
💯🙏🏼
“When people show you who they are, BELIEVE THEM THE FIRST TIME.” - Dr. Maya Angelou
Brent Foster so true !
Ha. Sadly it usually takes me about 10 times.
LO♥️VE YOUR COMMENT CAUSE NOTHING LIKE TYE FIRST TIME....
PLUS Y'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT...---ACTIONS SPEAK (" LOTS") --LOUDER THAN... WORDS.....VERY GOOD
♥️👍🤗
I legit will put this in my room
I continually use this quote. If only more people would follow it, the first time!
Sometimes our love to the other person, is just the love we have for the image we‘ve made them to be in our minds...
Almost always
So true. Love can be an eye opener or an eye mask. I got the eye mask and didn't see his faults, his lies or his disrespect. What I saw was a loving, caring husband and father. Now, after 20 years of marriage and a painful divorce, I can see he is neither and probably never has been. Now, he is playing another woman and she's going to marry him. I wish her good luck because she's gonna need it!
LoriCiani just be thankful its over... it taught you many lessons... i always say some people you can only love from afar.... and thats always better than carrying bitterness or hurt inside.... much love to you!
And with narcissists it's the completely fabricated fake facade self they showed you at the beginning to manipulate and bait you into thinking they were what they never were...but they might show you the fake facade again at times they have to give you breadcrumbs to keep you in the supply garage.
Leela Rawat and an empath is like a moth to the flame
My living parent is 97, and just as abusive as ever. I finally, last year, at the age of 60 decided to walk away and love myself. Thank you for this video. I still feel guilty, but I'm working on it.
God. Talking about the Bad Penny turning up! Glad you did. That Asshole will live forever so don't sweat!
I hope you are doing well :) I am at that point, at 50 yo.
That's brave of you. I think many of us are in similar situations but we give in and say things like "well, at that age......" or, if it's a parent ( my situation) we think the guilt will kill us.
I believe it is Gabor Mate who said, “If you must choose between guilt or resentment, choose guilt. Resentment will kill you.” He has written an excellent book called “When the Body Says No.”
It is the heart that runs away but your body can still care for your elder. I did my duty, but with an indifferent sense of duty. They're dead now and I'm fine, no guilt.
Quitting on abusive/toxic people is a sign of True Loyalty to our inner child.
And self respect 💜
I always say this!! Protect and take care of your inner child!
Nd Paris ❤️
@Timothy Paul I agree I went through the same thing.
On a journey towards this!😔❤
Some people don't deserve our time or compassion it's a harsh truth.
Very true 😡
I learned this late. But at least I learned it.
I 2nd that!
I litteraly just told a friend to leave me tf alone a second ago. But it's okay, he's an attention seeker
The video's not saying walk away from those needing your time or your compassion. It's saying walk away from people who are cold, angry, harsh and judgmental.
"Their character is bolted shut through trauma." That's a good line. It lets you feel compassion while also accepting that things won't get better.
Yes!
Wow. I've thought this for a long time but never felt it was actually real because there's no way to confirm that observation, but it's actually relieving.
@@juliaostlund9360 you obviously haven't experienced childhood trauma. I'm studying my dysfunctional family. Both my parents will never face their childhood trauma so to heal the family.
People finally realize their toxic family patterns and think they can make assumptions and be astute.
No offense, but you obviously haven't studied enough, and it's laughable, like _really, really_ funny. But hey, we've all got to start somewhere, right?
Word of advice, they can't and neither can you.
It may not be true, though. Not everything is caused through trauma. Some people are just nasty and probably born that way and probably irredeemable. Sometimes it is better just to accept that. Alain is putting in a note of compassion which is sometimes not warranted. And can hold one back from walking away.
My problem isn't that I blame myself or that I tell myself "maybe they will change" It's that every time I'm considering putting an end to the relationship I can't help but also think of all the positive things and all the nice memories we also shared and get extremely scared that I'm making a mistake or that I will end up regretting it...Anyone else has this same issue?
Depends on how bad they are, of course. But majority of the time it's not worth it. Look up the sunk cost fallacy if you aren't familiar. Psych studies show that when people are on the fence, they usually feel much happier when they quit something that's not right. Another study showed that people who have a close friend who they're highly ambivalent about (like sometimes they are awful to you, other times nice), it's actually WORSE on your health than being around someone you feel only negative toward. That fact helps me to decide that it's really not worth sticking it out. The chance of them changing is slim and you can't get that time back.
Me.. still learning up to this point
Its an addictive cycle ... because they have or seem to have the capacity to be better at times .. it gives higher hopes ... because its not constant abuse .... its still in fact (seeing the good in them and the potential of them changing with time) ... if you can't high five this relationship or have growth from it to better version of yourself .. maybe its not good
Yes. What might work is keep a diary of their behavior and how you feel. It can be a wake-up call.
In the end, you have to realize that the the good times do not make up for their mistreatments. Cognitive dissonance will keep you stuck. This is why boundaries are so important. Would you let your own child or best friend tolerate what you’re going through with this toxic person?
"It is better to be alone than in bad company." - George Washington
Its important for washington to not pillage villages and cream the natives
Win From Within Is that how are you had to say?
zombie stink it’s called war. Go read a history book
@@MD-wq6on lmfao "how are you"
Fuck george Washington
“We can’t choose who we love, but we can choose when to leave”
@Jacob Strom I can recommend Theo Von Podcast with Duncan Trussel.
I can’t. I’m currently dating someone who has been disloyal in the past but because I love them I’m giving them another chance but theyre not really proving to me that I actually mean something to them. Despite all of that I can’t stop loving them. No matter how much I get angry or hate them it just makes me love them more and it’s only when I walk away and leave that they shower me with the affection and comfort that I want from them.
@@charliediamond6197 You're being manipulated and used.
It's a depressing thing for you to say such things, when it's so obviously not good for you.
The day will come when they throw you away, and you'll not be ready for it - you'll be a shell of a person, dependent on them, and they'll be gone.
Walk away and heal now, whilst you still have a strong foundation to heal from.
What a dumb statement
We can choose either one
Sometimes giving up on people makes you grow.
Here here!
"We need to hear that, surprisingly, some people just don't change"
I'm going to sleep with that playing on repeat.
Extra loud.
Giving up on a toxic family is one of the most challenging tasks one can face but believe me, it is equally rewarding at the same time.
Shan Anis it is
I'm with you. You're talking about giving up on an entire family. I have walked this path.
In return the Lord gave me a Universal family; with which I was able to stay healthy and feel good about myself.
But after many years and I obviously have aged I ventured to move back nearer to blood relatives. Many have died off and I thought it might be different with those left. Big mistake I was wrong. Almost everything I gained has been lost. You can never go back.
💯🙏🏼
Yep I did it. Haven't seen them in decades, will never see them again. great decision I made. But leaving garbage behind is a no brainer.
"Big mistake I was wrong. Almost everything I gained has been lost. You can never go back."
Would you mind elaborating on "almost everything I gained has been lost"?
"Those who have most to complain about don't even raise their voice"
Ain't that the truth!
Powerful stuff bruh
Deepity
+
And so true. So many of us suffer in silence. It is hard to stand up for yourself.
My mom always gave me a image of myself being undeserving of love unless I do things she say and satisfy them fully, and even then, her love was temporary and I had to meet another requirements to get them again. Straight As at school, working to help out her bills at 16. By 20 I was working two jobs with one full time and other part time paying all of my school fees, and half of rent and bills, while also attending college full time struggling to get As and Bs, working seven days a week and attending college at the same time wasn’t enough for her, she was dissatisfied if I didn’t do my loundry once or didn’t attend night time church meetups after my shifts that went from 10am to 9pm... Worst was when she decided to blame me for someone raping me, something deeply broke inside me then, after that due to corona I lost both of my jobs and I couldn’t bare to do anything anymore due to trauma and depression, she called me lazy and a horrible daughter and left.
All these years, I been doing exactly what this video said, believing deep inside, she is good, and one day, she will change and love me without requirements... thank you for the video, a food for deepest of thoughts.
You are so strong, your mom is not worthy of your love and effort. I hope you are in a better place now
How can you work a full time job, a part time job, go to school and go to church and manage to learn anything? There isn’t that many hours in a day.
it might not seem like it now but these aweful people create very strong characters in us and if we go down a path of kindness to others (or at least an awareness ) rather than angry retribution we become people that others want to be around ....Im still at the point of wanting to strangle the bitch ,
I hope you get away from that awful woman.
MY MOTHER TOO. THEY ARE NARCISSISTS. THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE. THEY START ON U YOUNG SO THEY CAN CONTROL U FOREVER. EVEN DURING CORONA. STEP MALE AND SIBS ARE FLYING MONKEYS AND HE IS A NARC TOO SO I ESCAPED WITH MY MIND, THO ABIT JADED. LESSON LEARNED. HARD WHEN ITS UR PARENT AND THEY TOOK ADVANTAGE OF US OBEDIENT GOOD CHILDREN. SHE TRIED TO BREAK ME. BUT I CANT BE BROKEN BIYTCH. YEA SHE IS NO LONGER MOTHER SHE IS BYTCH
In therapy, I learned that I often create idealizations of others, and fail to assess the gap between their ideal and real forms. Once I started to understand that and begun to break that spell, I could finally realize how toxic, selfish, immoral and unethical some of my closest friends were, and the concepts featured in this video were really important for me to let this people go away. And guess what? It's been great without them near me 🙂
Joao,first of all you've got the longest name ever. its like you are a Duque de Brasilia or something. the difficulty to break the spell you are referring to is that. by the time you think of cutting people you've had a long history with them and they appear in many facets of your life and when you remember certain portions of your existence they play a star role in it.. i learned to distanced myself from 2 people without creating chaos. i ghosted them gradually. My cousin told me i was beneath him because i am an albino and i look like an unfinished circus freak. that was my cue to say goodbye without actual words
I think you put that together perfectly. I learnt the same in therapy 😊 makes me feel better knowing that Im not the only one doing this.
Stopping idealisations comes with also stopping black and white thinking. When you stop idealising them you also stop seeing them as completely evil. I suggest you try to view your friends in a more balanced light. Both good and bad, nuanced and complex human beings. Black and white thinking - which is what you do - is a coping mechanism that helps you deal with complex thoughts. The well rounded nature of most people is often too much for people like you to cope with. So you either label the people in your life ‘amazing’ or ‘evil’ or....‘ all good’ or ‘all bad’......learn to understand no one is as simple as that. Humans are full of complexity and we must embrace and accept that.
@TaraLu @JoãoMarcosRodartedeCarvalho I think you both guys need to ask a further question- why is it that you create idealisations of others. It's not enough just to be awarer of it and force- stop doing it, although that's a step forward. If you look into the 'why', start exploring it- you will really start learning something about yourself.
I used to think "they'll treat me better if I do what they want." Anyone relate?
Me! And I kept giving them chances and believing they would change but they only cared about themselves and what they could get from me, I decided that I come first now
I've come into that realization in the last couple of years, I'm in my late 40s now. It's all cruel manipulation anyway. I'm treated differently now. I mostly forgave them, but I don't know if I'll ever forget.
Absolutely. I've only recently started changing that, at the age of 31, after 5 months of psychotherapy. It's been really helping me!
arteblack13 that's exactly how I live in a day to day basis... believe me this is not living... it's dying inside every day...
@@claudemonet5415 it stopped for me when I actively decided not to be a victim. Some eggs were broken but it was worth it. I also realized that the people who treated me badly also treated others badly. Asserting meself became a win for them as well.
I really needed this.
I really needed this right now.
I guess there are 358 of us with a big story to tell
🤗🤗🤗🤗
Me too ! I feel you
Do it
Same here. It is quite the coincidence that this video popped up today since I deal with this exact situation. You are not alone. We all will get through it somehow.
when you look at someone you love...a brother..or sister or even a parent and think to yourself..if i was not related to them would i even be friends with them. thats when i walked away
Sadly, in my case, the answer would only be "yes" regarding my sister.
My problem is that once I learned to do this, I became too good at it. When people upset me, they’re gone. I don’t even fight with them, I just stop talking to them. It was very liberating at first, but eventually I ended up with few friends.
Relatable except last two sentences, I'd rather be alone than living with trash.
Better to have a few good friends.
Sometimes you have to be cold as ice and hard as steel to walk away.
To many people take kindness as a weakness and it bites em hard at the end. Kindness is your strength and walking away is your shield.
Nicely put
what the guy before me said
Thank You!
you hit that hard dude
Well said!
People stopped taking me for granted when I began to let go
Being taken for granted is awful.
❤️
Weird. Isn’t it?
This is a good lesson... In my early 20's I walked away from my HS "friends" and also a couple childhood "friends". I realized it was toxic, and they were actually holding me back. They were constantly tearing me down while I was constantly seeking their approval. As soon as I let them go my life got progressively better and I became a little more successful every year since (I'm about to hit 40). You should have friends that support you and care for your well being...
It's tough to realise you were just there to make certain "friends" feel better about themselves (ie superior to you). It sounds like you're now better placed to spot when other people try it now though.
I just learned how to do this, and I'm age 63. Sad... but it has helped me motivate and lose weight and begin to develop ideas for my last 20 years on earth.
That's wonderful, I was very late as well. Learning to love yourself is a process. It takes time. I hope you achieve everything you set out to do.
Perhaps 30 or 40 more years. Take care and they could be good years.
Me too. I'm 69 and it's only the past 10 years or so I've learned to walk away from people who hurt me, including one friend of 52 years. It was hard, and sad, to acknowledge that a once great and close friendship not only no longer existed, but hadn't for some time but when a 'friend' becomes a source of stress and upset, it's time to draw a line in the sand.
It took me 58 years to figure this out. Better late than never ;-)
When people call you as "selfish", think about whether it's to guilt-trap you into satisfying their selfish needs.
Very well said. 🙏🏾
Or perhaps, they are showing up to their side of the relationship, and giving, whilst you only take, and are not really present with them...
@@simeon54 And showing up to their side of their relationship is also an attempt to be selfish, no matter how justified they think it is.
I think there's no contradiction between self-awareness and self-centeredness. If we think someone calls us selfish and their reasons are unacceptable, we're free to give up on them. There are also instances when they have a point.
However, as you said, if we lack self-awareness, it doesn't matter whether someone calls us selfish or not; we'd be takers, and they should give up on us.
@@inkroverts 'And showing up to their side of their relationship is also an attempt to be selfish, no matter how justified they think it is.'
Not sure what you mean here.
In my opinion, showing up to a relationship isn't selfish, it's just being present, in that moment, with whomever you are with. Being selfish, to my mind means only considering your own needs, and not someone else's. Therefore, if you are in a relationship where you are considering your own needs and expressing them to your partner in a healthy way (self love), and also looking for ways to support your partners needs (other love), but they only care about their own needs, and don't care about yours, then selfish is a good description of your partners behaviour.
I do agree though that selfish can be used as a trap to get others to meet your needs. There are better, healthier ways to ask someone to meet your needs.
@@simeon54 oh, I just meant selfish as in considering oneself's needs as the first priority. I also think taking care of oneself and self love is the natural way to live. But when I see people have different standards and definitions of "selfishness" and "considering oneself", I will think the word "selfishness" is used to manipulate people.
Pretty sure school of life is stalking my life and realized I needed this video today.
I won't give up on you
100%
@@anthonyman8008 nice try
Lorna Ceaser same here
Same
Real friendship means sticking with people when they are difficult or unreasonable; at the same time, you have to look after yourself. It's a difficult balance, but the sad fact is some friendships have a shelf life and you can't tell which they are beforehand.
Any child of a narcissistic parent can surely relate to this. We need to hear, "Put as much effort into yourself as you do with everyone else." We tend to put our worth into those toxic relationships and not necessarily with ourselves.
"Those who have most to complain about don't even raise their voice"
This hit me hard. So hard.
They don't complain out loud. They complain plenty to themselves.
@e yeah, there's only so much somebody can take without doing or saying anything
Right... So sad 😪
@e thats spot on, my mom created and fed a monster inside me, I was a hostage for so long and I didn't know what was wrong with me, until we met in a dream, me and my shadow, and it was exactly as you said, a repressed trait, I remember that it entered in my head and it was just chaos, just white noise and anger, I woke up screaming that day but it was the most important dream that I ever had, it got me into accepting my passion that my mom always criticize, psychology... It's easy to see why she's so bothered by it, unfortunately my mom is a bitch.
Yes I agree, I think we really need PSYCHOLOGY, not necessarily a major in it, but we really desperately need it, just to fix our lives
That poor little kid. I just want to hug him and take him to his favorite place to play.
Aren't you adorable 😘
@@gdhnd2291 facepalm. The man just expressed his warm thoughts.
God Hand oof
Kiva Rosen that's you, isn't it. I'll come too. x
When you feel low you can do this for your inner child - the kid inside you needs care and attention.
Watched this twice and fell into a catharsis of tears. It is not easy to shut out ones parent especially if their version of toxicity doesn't look like it's life threatening to all appearances...
I recommend you to read the book Leaving Home by David P Celani if you want to read more about how neglecting or abusive households affect children in their adult life
emotional abuse can be the hardest to come to to terms with
If it threatens the health of your soul then it is life-threatening. I understand. I’ve been there myself. You have to choose yourself first. I know it can be extremely difficult and an alien notion, but if you allow it to percolate, you might find yourself a lot more comfortable with the decision. It’s OK to do what’s best for yourself. Why were you born otherwise?
I shut my family out. Mixture of freedom, anger, sadness. But mostly freedom
Nãos estous nãos. Estous Gisele mesmo
I wouldn't call it giving up on a person, I would call it choosing no contact when you realize the relationship is toxic, and you know you are healing when you reach indifference.
One of my greatest lessons in life is the ability to walk away from toxic people without a sense of guilt.
I really wish I could master that ability. I'm learning, though. The hardest ones are the relatives, because we are taught that "family is everything" from early on. Some can be, but others can ruin you beyond repair.
Easier said than done 😔
Took me a while
You are the CEO of your own life. Promote demote fire as needed.
the twist of an undercover boss episode I dream of: some person was the real life Truman show since birth and just thinking about their tresspasses inflicted on them doles out them appropriate justice to the fake actor. All the while never knowing of the show or their executive abilities, now thats great power with demonstrated responsibility from someone who looked to the bright side much longer than anyone should be forced to. So long in fact, that failed mentality warped them and this knowing of a combinedkarma is exactally what their healing needed.
first last Don’t see how that necessarily fits into the analogy. Elaborate?
Yes! I absolutely always says this.
Well said. It's 2020. I've fired a lot of people from my life. They were expecting a return from no investment. I'm the boss, I don't take orders from anyone. They decided not to do as I asked. I decided to let them go. This is the nature of power. They forgot how many times I have helped them in the past. Now they won't get my help in the future. Their loss.
Thanks Bro! I'm gonna keep telling myself this for the rest of my life! 😌
One of the reasons children ~ and adults ~ blame themselves is that it gives a (false) sense of control. "If I am better (prettier, smarter, slimmer, richer, etc.) the other will grow to love me. It's in my hands."
Also, the best way to guage the health/toxicity of a relationship is to ask, "How do I feel about myself when I'm with this person?" If our self-esteem is consistently positive, it's probably a healthy relationship. If our self-esteem fluctuates or plummets, it's likely unhealthy.
This made me smile. I recently (3 days ago) made one of the hardest decisions to give up on my ex husband and partner of 5 years who gaslit and abused me for the majority of the time but constantly promised to change.
I feel I made the right choice.
This is one of those messages that tends to get too readily embraced by the toxic, vain, arrogant, and self-centered among us and too virulently resisted by those who need to hear it most. Good video.
chavesa5 - Yes, I noticed even some people in this comment section are clearly using it as an excuse to give up on people going through a hard time when the message is clearly that we need to give up those who are routinely unkind and mean-spirited. That's a big difference.
Well said
the nuance is beautiful, great comment
Very true.
You sound angry. Why?
No one can save a person, besides themselves. If there is no emotional conviction that a change is needed, no amount of positive affirmation will help.
O'SSÉIN - Master Your Mind With Me ....yup👍
O'SSÉIN - Master Your Mind With Me I saved myself once, then I fell right back where I was and I stayed were I belong.
Nope you are wrong
You can help those who you love with the example of a better self
@@scaydsods2844 true. People change. Just that some of them don't, doesn't mean all of them don't. My parents will never change. But my ex changed a lot and evolved. Every person is different.
I used to have so many friends, and the funny thing is that they were full of flaws but yet I was always there to help them un any way possible. I went through a depression, I lost my father after a long battle against cancer and a few months later I got a divorce and I wasn't quite myself anymore. Suddenly I found myself completly friendless the wouldn't even return my messages ( I was, I supose, too dificult to deal.with) I don't hate them or.anythinh, I just regret all the years wasted having their backs when they needed me.
I know how you feel.
It's tough, but I'm glad I'm going through the same thing now. It means I won't waste any more of my time with people who don't deserve it.
I hope things have improved for you since your post 🙂💛
Sorry you had to go through that all alone. It’s as if the most supportive people are really lone wolves when it comes to their personal issues.
Same story here. I used to always say my friends are my family (mainly because I didn't have much of a family to begin with). Then I hit a rough patch and, well, no one was there. No One.
Eye Opener.
The reason I was still trying to keep them in my life was to show them that I was worthy of love, therefore showing myself that I was indeed worthy of love. I realized how toxic this was, and that they just didn't care about me like I cared about them, and that that just wouldn't change...and that that was ok, I just had to walk away.
I have decided to walk away from my friend. When we talk, it's always about her and her current crush. She only asks how I'm doing so at least it'll look like our friendship is mutual. When I failed my board exams she still kept talking about herself, and I've just had enough.
I have had a similar friendship! It's really annoying when all they talk about is their romantic life and boys etc and it's like i go unheard :/
Im just on polite terms with that friend now, nothing much. I hope things are good with you ✨
Yea those people
I can relate on that when she's the center of the conversation but it's fine with me. And when I failed my entrance exam we stop talking.
Hi yes , you needed mutual support , she was all take and no give , I hope you re took and passed ,
Sorry. I don’t think this is bad enough to leave. Especially if you haven’t talked with her and told her how you feel. She isn’t guilty of horrible abuse and might be willing and able to change. But she can’t change if she doesn’t know she’s offending you. Save your walk-away for someone who is truly abusive. If you walk away from everyone who has a problem while neglecting talking with them about how you feel, you won’t have any friends or family left.
I love the part about how kids don't understand there are other options. As a kid, I thought ALL parents would mercilessly beat their kids. I had no understanding that it was abnormal for me to do something like coloring in a homework folder for school BEFORE school started, and my punishment to be being beaten until bruised and having the majority of my belongings taken away, and being forced to sleep on a mattress with no sheets or pillows. To me, it was normal that if you accidentally drop and break a plate, you'll be made to stand in a corner staring at a nail for around 8 hours, and then choke-slammed into the wall until unconscious. I had 0 concept of the fact that this was abuse and other kids did not go through this as well. I did not know I could ask for help, because I did not know I needed help.
I am now 29 and haven't had a relationship with my father in 14 years.
:(
Bloody hell.
What a sad sack of a man your father is.
I hope your revenge is never to be like him, ever.
Break the cycle.
@@threethrushes yes. It took me many years of therapy and having to admit to myself that I HAVE treated people badly, for me to abandon the worst behaviours. I am proud to say I have not punched a hole into a wall in over 7 years!
I’m so sorry for what you have gone through. And you’re so brave for putting it up here. ❤️
Don't even think of reconnecting. Just a "hi, bye" over the phone is enough. That's just horrible
People often say ' life's too short ', but always think, yes, too short to endure things that aren't right! XXX
Your animation of the child seeking love is a real tearjerker.
It made me so sad.
i gave up on my narcissist parents a yr & a half ago for good, after 44 yrs of their bs, never been better 😊
Wow, well done. May your path in life be more of blessings and goodness :)
Me too. I gave up on my narcissistic parents nearly two years ago. If I did not have religious beliefs I would have done it two decades ago.
I was 49 when I finally accepted my Narcissistic mother & half-brother were a lost cause. June 11, 2016, I cut all ties, went NO CONTACT, & broke free.
It wasn't easy! A severe depression followed, lasting most of a year. This because I had wasted the best year's of my life on them. And tens of thousands of dollars trying to help them. That was never-ending! They always needed more, More, MORE!!! And when I had no more to give, they talked about me like I was trash in the street. That was the last straw.
The first year was very difficult, but the last two year's have been the best of my life. And it's better everyday! Never again will I allow those people into my life!
I share what I went through, hoping it will help other's find the strength they need to free themselves from their TOXIC relatives. It's hard. No doubt! But it's worth it!!!
I'm always glad to read about other's who have broken free themselves! I am happy for you all! Go out today, & be GOOD to yourself! Best Wishes to all of you.
@@smc1942 Sorry You had to learn that so late, why stick around to get kicked in the ass again.
Well done 👍👍
Be careful when rescuing a drowning person, lest they pull you under.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Yes, but at the same time do not contribute to someone's drowning.
Beware the naked man who offers you clothes
And be sure you are a strong enough swimmer to actually be helpful and survive.
@@aamuirman Literally yes. 😆
"The best of childhoods is an open prison." WOW!
"Those who have most to complain about don't even raise their voice." So true.❤
And the day you do somehow you are the bad one or you’ve changed ..sigh
There is a difference between giving up on someone and walking away. I need to make that distinction, because I refuse to give up on anyone I love - why would I, every human is capable of growth and learning - just not with me by their side, taking all their bs. So I walk away. This is what giving space is all about. And yes, we can love people from afar.
yes you can certainly do so but i wouldn't want to spend any more of my time, emotions and feelings on them; it will be unfair to people around me right now at this moment
Yeah
Nope, you gotta do both, the other still drains you as well...
So Who's the Dummy Now? According to my experience of decades, People don’t change, we just get better at dealing with things that people throw at us ( if we actually take the time to learn how to defend ourselves) , and to do so you must break free and learn on your own. And you will leave them once it really hits you. (But it might take decades)
and the fact that you are here is because you are the one that is the sensitive sponge 🧽 that people take advantage of and hurts... so we are the ones that have to learn independence so the others can stop depending on us because we want to desperately protect them.
I tried to help a covert narcissist, change was superficial, it was all an act. The track record was manipulation, everything said was projection and confession. Sometimes there is nothing good inside to grow. You just have to be strong and walk away for good.
Self-compassion sometimes requires removing oneself from toxic situations to protect oneself. Mutual warmth, friendliness, and openness are much more desirable in my opinion.
💓💓👍👍
Dont keep someone a priority who keeps you as an option.
What makes giving up on a parent especially hard is the judgement of people around you who had loving parents who can't even phantom what having a narcissist as a parental figure is like, how much it fucks you up.
My narc parent always plays the victim, they always try to lure me in with their newfound feelings....but it's a trap every goddamn time. They don't feel empathy, if they did, the abuse wouldn't even have happened in the first place. It's hard to grasp how someone who put you on this Earth wouldn't even care about it, but yet...here we are.
I gave up on my college classmates years ago. Better to be alone then be with people who make you feel lonely.
Same, I felt so used always helping them and they didn't even say thanks!
And I ghost them
So relateable
I gave up on many people!
And in my case, I would say.. It's my bad in a few situations!
I learned my lessons and now I don't like much people!
Same; I didn't have many but one is mean, one alcoholic and one quite unbalanced with bipolar. I would love to have stayed in touch but it was impossible.
We're told time and time again that "if you really love someone, you won't quit them". It's in songs, in youtube videos giving dating advice, and in religious/philosophical movements that teach us to forgive, to give the benefit of the doubt, to hold on to hope. Not surprisingly, many of these same people do some of the least kind things to us, manipulate us, and treat us as doormats. They prattle this philosophy, not necessarily because it's good for us, but because they have something to gain from it. On the other hand, we are taught to let those we love go and if they come back they are ours. So, we start to yearn for them, and even when we let them go, we do not actually let them go. Sometimes people demand that we forget and forgive their past, that people change, and that they aren't that person anymore. Doing it once might be an error; doing it repeatedly is a choice, a character, and a conviction. As some know, the outside behavior to at least some degree reflects who they truly are on the inside. Unable to accept this among the din and dissonance of selfish society, we let people hurt us and abuse us, because we have been taught that people change and give them a chance. They can change. Most of them don't. By the time we are adults, we are so deep in our ruts that the energy required to leave those ruts and take a new path exceeds the willpower of most people to change themselves. Just because people can change does not follow that they will or that they must, no matter how much we may wish it.
Woah !! Too much Wisdom !!!!
very well said!! ty
Facts right here bro
This comment should be a video in and by itself.
USSResolute this is so perfect! Thank you! I have had to let a few people go this past year. It’s not been easy, of course. But, there’s a time when enough is truly enough. You have to love yourself enough to realize that you deserve much better than what you were given. After that, within time, both you and they realize how valuable you are. Sometimes it’s too late, which is unfortunate for them.
I'm an adult child of alcoholics. Took me years to understand this about my parents and myself.
I really needed this 30 years ago.
I genuinely cried watching this because it was something that connected with me so much
Me too.
Me too
💗
Me too. I hope you and everyone else in the comments is in a better place now
Hope your life is going well, now.
My God, I have never gotten anything out of giving people repeated second chances and believing in "misunderstandings" under attitudes of hypocrisy, cruelty and sadism.
If people you have fallen out with are good they will seek to make amends and ask for forgiveness for their faults. Don't try to force them to. You will pay a very heavy emotional price for it and it will never work. They may simply have no conscience.
Amen! Me too!
Omg..I needed to remind myself this. Thank you a million!
You cannot forgive someone who isn't actually sorry for what they did or said.
I walked away from toxic people, and I'm at peace.
Filipe Bastos.
People are creepy, it's usually best to just kill them so you have a sense of closure and move on.
Spot on. Thank you for this post.
You have to watch someone. They’ll tell you what you need to know, if you watch them. If they’ve lived a certain way, for a long time, be it not caring for themselves or abusing you, typically, it is permanent. The only person you can, then, change, is you.
You’ll mostly come across people that are against this type of video. They will shoehorn you back into the most dangerous relationship. A good portion of us have been taught that it is virtuous to just stick with a bad person or situation. Probably why there’s so much dysfunction. It wears on all concerned.
Very true. If person gossips about a so called friend it is very likely that they treat you the same way. For example, a close person told me a bad experience with someone. ( If believe it because it was someone i trusted deeply). Nevertheless, i still liked this special person because people are creatures of light and darkness, right? Thought i was disappointed. And i felt sorry for the close person. Then i made a bad experience myself repeatedly. I couldn't believe it. Was i really stupid enough to think that i qas that special not to be treated in the same bad way? Probably. Sometimes we want to see the good things in others whilst ingnoring the bad. But believe me: If i for example gossip about a so called friend you can be sure you won't be spared. You are NOT special!!!! If people choose a lie above you you need to choose yourself and cut ties, even if it hurt. Ignoring, forgiving, hoping them to stop or change, holding on memories won't make them stop. If i stab you and i lie to you claiming that i dind't do anything and that i tell the truth i WILL repeat this behavior. I am probably naïve, but i've always hoped you could be friends or even family with anyone as long as you are honest and not a backstabber and not a manipulator. And the best thing about that: if you confront them they play dumb and if you mirror them you are the most evil, unacceptable, most shameful disgustng, selfish, ignorant, narcisstic asshole in the whole universe...
Most valuable info I've been given in years. Wish I had of known this 20 years ago! Not leaving people to their own ruins has forever been a source of demise to my own self and life. Believe what people show you and don't paint them better than they are.
Well said, thank you 🙏
Left abusive relationships 10 month ago. Thank you.
Good on you man! That must have been one hell of a step for you to take. What made you decide to walk away?
@@iseafools1559 He realized he deserved better
Same here. I was his emotional punching bag, passing the blame towards me and acting like he was the victim. I had to let go. It was scary, luckily it was worth it.
Same here.
I used to be a people person...
but people ruined it ! ! !
Yep. You don't hear that phrase as much these days. Being a "people person" before social media was the enchantment of "discovery". Behind every new face was the discovery of new personalities, interests, adventures. Now with social media you realize everyone is an asshole and you just want to mute everybody instead.
Same lol
LOL same
@Where did I leave my shekels? same with girls too. I was the one that sacrificed my mental, emotional and physical health to fix a man, to be there for him, to try to do something for someone I saw that needed so much help. He ended up turning his back to me, reaching out to someone else and left me broken. Drained. Backstabbed.
I learned my lesson.
@Where did I leave my shekels? totally, I wished I never met him. It's not the first time this happened but because I thought "it won't happen again this time, not with him and I must help" i gave it a chance.
If I knew how I would end up, if I knew the pain beforehand I would step back. All the harsh and cold words that seemed like slaps at my face wouldn't be in vain if he got better, but it didn't. I wasn't good enough.
I'm done. If I know I have to sacrifice myself in order to fix someone that is already broken I prefer to use all this will to fix myself.
Since he ended up breaking me too.
This hurts to hear but I totally understand. Sometimes, always intervening in a loved one's cycle of suffering actually hinders their healing.
fine line between unconditional love and letting go
The irony is that the caregiver ‘gives up’ on the child first, when they don’t live up to outlandish expectations.
Best comment.
What if this guilty tripping people were your parents? Should you walk away or what?
@@775.- When/if you can then yes
@@775.- Is your relationship with them hurting you? And what role do you play in that ?
@@kilgoretrout6136 It hurts crazy cause they are very judge mental but walking away can be a big sin if you're religious do u think its big sin to leave them?
-For the moment im just setting big boundaries to keep the poison away for awhile.
"We need to do something very strange: walk away.."
Absolutely. It’s hard to let go but your better off alone than to be disrespected and stressed out.
A mentor of mine once pointed out that while Baby Boomers tend to be packrats or hoarders of possessions (and may struggle to let THINGS go) as a result of their trauma, whereas their children (GenX and Millennials) tend to be hoarders of relationships as a result of their trauma, and struggle to let any relationship go. As an elder Millennial, I definitely saw my Baby Boomer parents and myself in that observation.
Oh yes, I call getting rid of the dead wood & I've done it through my adult life with people that are no good to me, bring nothing positive to my life.
I swear by it...it works.
Something to think about: a lot of music and movies today celebrate the dysfunctional relationship and elevates the drama and struggle to become an ideal state and proof of true love.
Romanticism is a key reason.
Very insightful observation, makes sense.
Every media nowadays revolves on beautiful lie of true and everlasting love.
Absolutely true!
Yeah.. but not just "today". It's a human condition. It gained traction with the advent of romanticism but we see it on ancient Greek... Persian... Indian mythology and the Bible. And drama and passion (pain) exist because they are beautiful. And Beauty is a human value and aspiration. But yeah, drama is good on books and movies but I'll pass that for myself. I look for a serene and humble life and relationship(s).
"The capacity to give up on one or two people"
Me: Or five, or six, or seven...
or 184th
@@Mine_that_is_filled_with_salt Lucky me, I don’t have to give up on any people because all people give up on me.
@@purplekitten6637 same lol
I've given up on humanity.
😂
At the age of 69, I’m just now realizing how I have clung to one way friendships where I felt I supported them but when I needed a friend I sit alone. This is hard but I’m hoping to bring healthier people that aren’t always the victim, thank you so much for presenting this.
Hurts when friends give up on you for becoming depressed stuck in some truly dark years of your life.
Children don't have a choice.
We do. Stand up for yourself and calmly walk way. You'll be fine. I promise.
SJA I cant I am being tortured by the psychiatric assholeciation who sees me as their human experiment for their narcissistic supplies and sociopathic thrills. they torture me with everything I hate and scared of then they will laugh at me mockingly. there is no escape from them only death.
@@cantwaittodietoday9924 Im very sorry to hear that...how old are you? You can get away when you're 18.
Noora نورة cant they disregard all forms of human rights for patients at their hospitals imagine innocent civilians whom the gangstalk
@@cantwaittodietoday9924 huh? I dont understand what you're saying. English isn't my first language
If you are children. Who gonna support you when you walk away ? :(
This is a perfect message to those friends who aren't there when you need them the most.
Maybe those are the friends that has given up on you. Maybe your the person they've all given up on. Don't forgot to switch perspectives.
@@HeyItsTheWykydtron You may want to re-watch the video. I thought it was obvious, but I'll break it down for you: I'm referring to friends I've always been there for but when I need them they've disappeared. (So I'm obviously not going to chase after them.)
Amen! Not just the fun good times.
Best thing I ever did for myself was to give up on people that were causing me to want to give up on myself.
I tried to help a covert narcissist, change was superficial, it was all an act. The track record was manipulation, everything said was projection and confession. Sometimes there is nothing good inside to grow. You just have to be strong and walk away for good.
The imagine at 2:16 is so powerful because child psychology shows that children compartmentalize trauma, and under extreme circumstances, will form separate identities of themselves (dissociative identity disorder) just to cope.
Sometimes we are just conditioned to stay in and try and make it work but if you’re punished for communicating, stonewalled for trying to talk about things, it’s best to just walk away ..... until these people realise how destructive it is to the person who only wants to communicate to you , you’ll continue to be punished .....
Yep. I gave up on my brother. I'm not angry with him. Just being around him is toxic. He will not change, and to be fair, I won't either. People (friends) ask me or tell "when are you guys going to bury the hatchet?" or "why don't you guys just make up already". It has been going on for over 30 years, and he is my only immediate family I have still living. So yeah, sometimes you even have to move on from family.
It’s even harder when one gives up on one’s siblings or even your children and you realise, that though related, they aren’t so nice. We are sold the Hollywood, Von Trapp or The Waltons family imagery, but real life isn’t always so sweet.
I absolutely agree with your statement.
So very true. I walked away but thought I'd miss them , but found out there was nothing about them I do miss. Decades of horrible behaviour from siblings.
This was perfect timing, I just had to cut off my dad permanently because he just never changed, he's been the same abusive person for years and I finally realized that I can't keep making excuses for how he treats me. He crossed a line, one that I just couldn't take anymore. I could take the beatings but for some reason not this. Never tell your children to kill themselves, even if you think it in your darkest moments never say it, you'll lose them forever, it not physically then mentally and emotionally. guaranteed.
That's messed up and I'm really sorry.
Am coming to the realisation (through friends and this video) that I maybe should cut off from my emotionally abusive dad. The thought of it is very painful, like cutting off a part of myself. I know how to do it physically, by not visiting him any more, but I don't know how to break away psychologically, i.e. not feel guilty about it and wonder if I should have persevered till the end. He's 85 and in a home now. I live 300 miles away and visit him once a month. I never know how it's going to go, will he talk to me, will he be difficult, will he be rude? He was difficult, manipulative and controlling throughout my childhood and made my mother's life a misery. She wouldn't hear a bad word against him. Sometimes when I go I can cajole him into some semblance of a normal conversation and he throws me some crumbs of niceness. But yesterday he was so unpleasant yet again, cutting, rude, pushing away all my attempts at conversation. I was tired, and the tears ran down my face as I, for once in my 57 years, told him how he was making me feel. He said nothing at all, just that it was unpleasant to sit with someone who kept blowing their nose all the time. At last I asked him if he loved me, and he replied 'I won't say yes and I won't say no'. So I washed the tears from my face, said goodbye and left.
Am I mad to keep going back for more? I feel like a child needing his love and approval, and I also feel intensely sorry for him for choosing to live in the bleak way he does because he suffered physical and emotional abuse from his parents.
@@phantomsmama Let me just start by saying, you aren't crazy for wanting you're dad to love you. That's normal, all of us want that, and when we are denied it for so long we can become desperate for it, any semblance that they will turn around one day and apologize and tell you how much you matter to them and that they'll never treat you they way they did again. We want to cling to that hope that they will change and be better and it can happen just very very rarely from my expirience. If you're dad is still treating you this way at 85 I'd say it's time. I'm sorry he said what he said to you.
I reccomend an episode from a show called Bojack horseman. It really brought a lot of things into perspective for me. It's season 5 episode 6, you don't need much context for the episode so don't worry too much about missing things. Bojack is at his moms funeral. The entire episode is him monologue about how his mom died and through her whole life never treated him with an once of respect. It made me realize that I need to let go of my dad. Even though I wanted him to stop his abusive behavior I realized I didn't want to be at his funeral one day feeling horrible because to the very end he decided to stay the abusive person he was and I took it all to the end when I didn't have to. It'll just damage you to do it, and it will damage you to be there at the end feeling that you've had the ultimate loss. Never having a good father in life to his very end.
You need to focus on you're happiness and mental health because that's what matters. You don't have to try and make people who want to be miserable happy, just let them be what they choose and if it is to be miserable then let them do it alone. Don't let him drag you into it with him. I think his reply to you speaks volumes. Do what in the long run is best for you're happiness. It might hurt in the moment but thing ahead. I hope you find what you're looking for and that you can move past this in strides.
@@howtomeetwomen- Its okay, I mean it's not really but I'll be okay. It's been a bit since I cut him off and I'm already feeling like I can be happier now that he's gone.
My wife told me to kill myself. I'll never forget that.
It's vital to maintain healthy boundaries in all types of relationships. Once our boundaries are crossed, it's time to rethink whether some relationships are worth keeping.
Having more options is one of the best things of being an adult. Been walking away a lot lately at 53 years old.
This is sad but we've got to choose ourselves too.
Love ourselves enough to walk away from bad behavior, yes. And to see, love and accept others for who they actually are instead of who we want them to be and allow them to live lives of their choosing without our interference.
I am giving up on my family after 37 years. Wish I had done it sooner.
I have not seen most of mine in a decade or more. It's not easy but sometimes it's the only way to self-esteem. Peace.
My “adopted “ grandson who is 21 had to cut his alcoholic hoarder mother with mental problems and his grandma out of his life to survive , he has moved 300 miles away and is getting on sooo much better , the only times his mam rang him was to ask for money ( he was a student) or to be taken shopping , he used to go white and throw up after speaking with her , he was very brave and never complained about his appalling childhood ,
@@christinebeames2311 Thank you for helping him.
I had to let go of my narcissistic relatives as life with them was awful.
In the few months since I've gone no contact I've felt calmer inside and I realise they were offering fake regards and insincere love.
My mother and father were narcs too but they died years ago.
I live my own life now, I have retained a love for humanity and for nature, and like everyone else I hope for a better tomorrow for us all.
Thank You God.
I thought I was giving up on people but I was actually just suppressing hurt and resentment with distance and silence. What a mind blow
honestly thought I was basically the only one with this “heroic” type mindset.
I’ve been trying to help this other person out for so long when I really should’ve been helping myself.
I used to do that too... it's really destructive. You can't help people that can't help themselves. Save yourself. Save your time.
Nais Sketching ;
You nailed it!
That's exactly what I was thinking!
What the hell is wrong with us, really. :( I used to only empathize with someone who is broken and now i am broken myself because of her.
Thinking you can fix or control someone else is a symptom of abuse. It's also detrimental to the other person as they become just a tool for your ego.
@@kwesisalim true
"Better to have been a monster or a wretch oneself than to have ended up in the hands of a parent unworthy of respect." ...That hit deeply.
“ Those who have the most to complain about, often dont even raise their voice “
That got me
As someone with parents with considerable unhealed trauma/low emotional intelligence, I certainly grew up not having the best tools to deal with my own trauma and emotional intelligence. Though I do believe in what this video is saying, it feels hurtful to those left behind to fend for themselves, not knowing how to be loved. I can see this on both sides of the fence.
Exactly. If you read the comments you are going to see this kind of American exceptionalism of dealing with other human beings it's like " if you're not awesome and meet me on my awesome level I must discard you" a lot of the people in these comments sections might qualify as narcissist. I personally have been abandoned by shity people and good people both and I don't really want to ruin their lives or suck up all their life force I just want a little bit of their time company and maybe even love and they decided nope
Once you realize that some people should be "given up on", you should take the next step and "write them off".
Friendships and relations should be regarded as something to cultivate and nurture - with the hope of reciprocity.
If you were trying to cultivate a plant and instead of it flourishing it dies, you would discard it without any further thought.
Similarly with people.
This 👌🏾👌🏾👌🏾
This came at the perfect time in my life.
A friend of mine for years chose their new emotionally abusive love interest over me because I warned them of the toxic/manipulative behavior I noticed.
The love interest in question convinced him I'm the problem and not her.
Don't waste your time on the wrong people.
Same! Ahhh so hard 😔
I was in love with someone who literally didn't love me for years just because they kind of maybe talked to me every now and then and decided to have sex with me if I was behaved enough. It took me so long to realize that no matter how much I stayed "compassionate" and "resilient" for them, they just weren't the answer. I'm proud to say I no longer feel the need to love them, and it is almost entirely because of the School of Life's wonderful lessons. Sadly my second love ended too, because I was unfaithful and messed up. I have yet to learn how to earn a person's trust again, but that's a lesson in my own life.
You were unfaithful and messed up because you associated love with excitement, or you felt undeserving of love.