It's not a 'friendship recession' - it's the way things are moving. Friendship is increasingly becoming a thing of the past - something for children to enjoy. Society is becoming more individualised, more atomised, more self-centred. It's not that anyone is consciously choosing this situation, but rather that it's part of the natural process of human evolution. The biggest driving force behind it is our inherent desire to be who we are as unique individuals. Our perception at least, is that other people rather tend to 'get in the way' of this crucial process of self development and self actualisation.
People don’t want to make the effort. They don’t value it anymore. They aren’t forced to go without face-to-face contact or to go without using a telephone to have an actual voice conversation. It’s a choice. People have chosen this. I was born in the 60s. I still get out there and really try. I reject plastic screens. I talk with people and attend in-person gatherings. I still don’t have any local close friends though. Sigh.
I think modern humans are just too overloaded and stressed. Every single day we are bombarded by existential threats thanks to a global information network that constantly vies for and distracts our attention. And then just the daily toil and grind of all the usual day to day responsibilities that just leaves very little time for anything, let alone developing friendships. We spend more time buried in our technology rather than being out and about building those real human physical connections. If just feels like life is going faster and faster and we are struggling to keep up with it. I don’t thinks humans were built to handle this level of current modern ‘overload’. It makes us want to run away and hide just from the sheer exhaustion of it all. In my personal experience I found that firstly, cutting out all social media was the best way for me to dampen the noise. It allowed me to think more clearly and be able to distance myself from the people that really didn’t contribute positively to my life and thus growing and nurturing the friendships I already had. And secondly, I also went on a journey to find out who was the real me and that involved a good stint in therapy and that has allowed me to to open up in ways I didn’t know possible, thus deepening my friendships even further. People want to feel seen, loved, cherished and heard and that starts with being vulnerable with them which is something I had to learn, the hard way. That for me has been the key to extremely happy and satisfying relationships.
It’s not a decline in friendship, it’s the monetization of our friendships. You can meet at restaurants and cafes, you can rent tennis courts, pay green fees, pay gym fees, etc It’s actually hard to get together without spending money. Our culture has made everything transactional.
How about hiking on a nature trail together, or walking around the neighborhood, or getting together and doing a sketch together, or an art project, or making a silly parody video together, or go for a run, explore a new area, or free library presentations, or walking some dogs at a local animal shelter, (or volunteering in other places) I think brainstorming some ideas together would help.
@@Julia-b9x in my area, you have to have a license to hike on trails. Also, the area is dangerous to just randomly walk or go to a park. Go to a park and there is violent homeless people with needles laying around. The library is starting to charge for everything and you get 1 hour of computer time. So yeah, what’s left is going house to house. But a lot of us do not own a house. It’s apartment. You are penalized for having too many people over and people can easily report you for noise complaints. They do have social areas where it is upto $100 a day.
In my opinion, internet plays a huge role cause I've observed and experienced this both. It's easy asf to form any community on the internet. Imma use a very cringe example for it like "Sigma community". It started as a meme and a satire joke but now some boys have taken it too literally. Acting all mysterious and sht thinking they are cool. Then we also keep getting icons like Andrew tate who have hijacked minds of insecured men to an extreme level under the label of men improvement. Hustle culture, grindset, etc have made people to isolate themselves and for the goal of making money. Cause then you'll have powerful friends or whatever. Another aspect of internet is platforms like tiktok which have single handedly reduced the attention span of people down to seconds. People can't even hold a conversation for a decent amount of time. If two people are talking and one of them gets a phone call, the other one immediately takes out there phone or else they start fidgeting. Another major reason is modern feminism and their pushed narrative which have gone too woke now. Anything they don't agree with gets cancelled and further divides people. Another one is social media influencers as well, cause they somehow always end up on your algorithm and ruin your mood. The way they show how much they are living their life and the viewers subconsciously compare their lives and think they are doing something wrong with their life. The definition of success is not just monetary anymore but also associated with fame now. Which could also mean that people don't want relations anymore but admirers and followers.
Yes, true. Sadly most of today's modern day psychologists & therapists are rather inept and instead of providing actual therapy based on accurate grasps of people, society, family dynamics, the roles they play, etc. they are like hawks looking for a diagnosis to jump on to validate what they do, usually inaccurately. What's said in this video makes SO much sense. Also IMO a factor is in the USA we live in a hyper competitive, superficial and toxic capitalistic society. People easily get jealous of each other and that seems to me to be a big impetus to true authentic friendships.
This has been my realization recently. I could try so incredibly hard to be supportive to others online and they treat me like a weird fan... they're weird for being friends with me online & acting like I'm the weird one for interacting. When people 30+ yrs old are sharing meme statuses "keep stalking my page hun" it's actually kind of disturbing so I started cleaning out my friends list. No need to just be another number to some people. It's pretty sad I treated them with much more respect than that though. Social media has become such a joke to me and most people legitimately only have friends and followers on there so that they can judge them.. no thanks from me! Edit - and the amount of people that act cold or unbothered if you end up msging them- its gross the amount of people who have left me on read like the interaction wasn't even worth a reply just this year alone. I've stopped reaching out to most people too.
Because social media gives the illusion that it can replicate genuine human connection. It’s a facade that was marketed to us to believe it would improve our lives
I went to dinner with a group of “friends” recently. Expecting a fun evening with good conversation I was subjected to five people scrolling through their phones complaining about people’s posts. On my way home I realized I would have had a more fulfilling night staying in watching CSI re runs.
I was invited to a Barbecue, so I deliberately left my phone at home. Well, suffice to say, the men were in a group talking, laughing and drinking, while the women were all glued to their phones. I tried complimenting a guest on her outfit, I ask a pregnant woman about her baby, she gave me a two word answer. Talk about feeling out of place..😢
@@Rozumarix I actually think that certain invites are ways to fill up space, so it looks like a lot of people attended. I wish I’d stayed home with a book.
I think almost no one would like to hear "I need a friend" because it implies that anyone would work. You can express instead "I would like you in particular to be my friend, because you matter to me more than most people and I want to deepen this relationship further".
One important ingredient you need to develop good and meaningful friendships is time. In today's world, I feel like our available hours in each day to foster friendships have diminished significantly. We work two jobs, we spend hours in traffic, we put in overtime at work, we have aging parents to care for who are living longer, etc. Then, with the free time we do have, we have to prioritize with family, spouses, kids, pets, etc. Everyone says “you have to make the time” but a pie can only be cut so many times.
It's like the powerful are slowly building this system in society that just keeps us running like rats on a wheel. Squeezing our time and money out of us.
This is because we romanticize romantic love as the highest form of relationship. Like, you cannot act intimately with someone, such as supporting each other, hugging each other, just being together always, without people thinking that you are somewhat involved romantically. And then, when one friend gets a romantic partner, they tend to forgo their other relationships, and outcast people who aren't partnered.
Also it is considered typical to tell someone you'd like to date them, but not to tell them you'd like to be friends or ask them to hangout in a platonic way.
@@spaceowl5957 Not necessarily. Some people have 'romantic' feelings toward others, but aren't interested in being friends in the wider sense of friendship - they just want to do 'romantic' things with the person. Equally, not every romantic relationship ends arrives at sex. Plus, a lot of friendships (depending on culture) don't include a lot of non-sexual physical touch like holding hands or cuddling.
It's hard to maintain friendships over text messaging, for people of all ages. It's also hard to get people to commit to getting together in real life. People are too tired, they cancel, they leave you on read. It's very disheartening. When I was young we put in the effort to call, to meet up, to listen, not only 1:1 but also in groups. What a sad place we are at.
yeah but that also means it's time to find new friends and maybe types of personalities which are differnt from those who became 'too tired' and who cancelled a lot, etc. Btw, what is "leave you on read" ?
@@18_rabbit "leave you on read" means when someone sends you a message on WhatsApp, for example, you read the message but do not respond. Now the sender knows you have read the message and might be craving for a response or some sort of validation from you but you intentionally ignore or care not to respond.
I have a good friend from Northern Iraq, Kurdistan. He told me his grandfather has met up with his best friend for tea and conversation every single day for almost his entire life. When my friend moved to Canada, he was struck by how intensely lonely and solitary our culture is. Interesting that this video didn't get into the cultural differences on this topic.
I find these videos generally seem to be very American-focused in the studies they cite and seem to work on the assumption that the entire world is basically living essentially the same brand of homogenous globalised western capitalism.
@@ravecrab capitalism, whether free and out in the open or controlled tightly by the government, is the global economic paradigm. make no mistake about that.
@@ravecrab You're making a classic western-centric mistake as well which is conflating western traits with capitalism and globalization. India and Iran (Persia) are the basis for most of the globalized capitalism that you see today. Capitalism is not some western idea coupled with other western ideas disseminated through the world via colonialism. India for example, is classically non-individualistic and yet is historically one of the most capitalistic societies (although of course we've seen it range from socialism to social capitalism to pure free market capitalism). Your statement would be much more accurate if you simply kept it to an observation on the hyper-individualism of American society. Heavily agree with your core point though.
One of my friend from high school moved to Canada for a couple of years and then left because she couldn’t from true genuine bond there. The only friends she made were from other cultures, not Canadian. As someone who has lived in Latin America and who’s been several times in the US and Canada( I have family there) I noticed it is and american( the continent) thing in general. It is super lonely there but everybody act like they are friends… I left( I am european)
I'm 27 and I'm pretty much friendless. I stopped being friends with my friends when I realized they didn't care about me, they wouldn't help me like I helped them when they need someone. I get lonely all the time but as I get older I just sort of accept that this is my life and it's okay to not have anyone, though deep down I know how wrong I am. Everybody needs a shoulder to lean on.
@@janwriter-q9q so true I ended a 9 yr friendship a year ago that became one-sided-me making all the effort and she only being interested in me when she needed something.
@@shelleycharlesworth5177 wow ..9yrs is a long time ..I think we don't prioritize the most important aspects of a friendship which turns it into a " give and take" kinda situation .most people are there because they get something out of it .I have had one close friend in my life but the friendship ended. I feel like I have already experienced what true friendship is so am always afraid of getting to know someone coz they intentions might be different from mine .
@@shelleycharlesworth5177 i broke up with my boyfriend for similar reasons. He had a huge mental crisis several years ago and I did my best to support him through it even when he was unpleasant or difficult to be around, even a couple times he was flat out mean to me. I started to go through a nervous breakdown like 1.5 years ago and he acted like it was an inconvenience. I didn't even want to be around him anymore he only made me feel bad. After years and years of me bending over backward to the best of my ability to support him and try to make sure he had what he needed. I know I didn't totally succeed but I tried every single day. Then when I needed HIM he withdrew until the topic changed. At best
You're going to be OK. Just decide for yourself what you want in life and pursue those interests. You're going to be much happier. I'm 72 and have relinquished manympst old friends because we chose different paths. Some were critical of me. Some were simply jealous. Some were hateful and nasty. It's OK. Life is good. Life is sweet.
Also, friendship has been treated as a second class relationship. Look at all our books, movies, tv shows, etc. It's all one big push for romantic relationships, in whatever form they may be. You hardly ever see a solid friendship put forward as important or needed. If you have people who are friends there is always a push to make them a romantic couple.
That's very true. Even when they didn't start romantic, they would become romantic later in the story. Random example, but that's why, as a kid, I didn't like the later Harry Potter books as much. My favourite part was the friendship between the 3 main characters. I didn't like that Hermione had to end up with either Ron or Harry, I wish they could just end up with random people outside of their friendship (Harry also ends up with Ron's sister, which is also basically keeping it in the family lol)
@@rowenla Look at the number of people who raged that Harry should have ended up with Hermione because they were "so close. Closer than she and Ron." because you can't be friends and be close without romantic attachments. Look at Benson and Stabler from SVU. They've killed off Stabler's wife in the L&O franchise and I'm willing to bet in the end those two end up together. Because how dare they be close and not have a romantic relationship. Star Wars: Poe and Finn can't be friends, they MUST be gay for each other because they are close friends and worry about each other..... the list goes on. Friendships have no weight or priority in all the things that are thrown at us. That our kids see. It's sad really.
One of my friends got a boyfriend and since that point ive barely spoken to her, not my choice ive tried to get her on gta or at least on playstation in general, she just wont. She literally once said she would stop talking to me and a few other guys when she got a boyfriend cause “it would be weird”. Apparently you cant have friends of the opposite sex nowadays and ive known her since kindergarten
I think one overlooked reason in the decrease of friendships might also be the current car-centric urban planning, which inevitably makes meeting people more difficult/more of a hassle, since working 8h+ a day plus a couple hours commute leaves little time and energy to make plans with acquaintances. Implementing dense urban areas which are centered around the people would create friendships just by the nature of its design.
That would mean South Korea and Japan would have a greater number of people that have friends. It's more so to do with people not making enough to live comfortably that makes it so much harder.
That only resolves part of the issue. The other is going to be the work culture. In East Asian countries where workers are working 9-12 hours a day in the office + on weekends, its very hard to meet people because they are stuck in the office with their co-workers and their co-workers are the only people they hang out with. Another part of it is that personal devices have made it harder to physically interact with people as they are always on their smartphones/laptops etc.
Completely agree. I actually live in the same apartment building as my best friend (been friends for 10 years) and proximity is a huge reason we hang out. My other friends live in different cities so I rarely see them
I would disagree the boomers and gen x'ers experienced that car centric urban planning and made it into a social setting. Going on cruises with their friends and aimlessly driving for hours meeting up with random people on the strip. Yet, no one does that stuff anymore and these spaces are like you said are bad. But, there is nuance and they used to be a social avenue.
I very rarely felt equality in friendships. Often I felt like I was only there to sit and listen. I learned the hard way when my dad died and all my friends ditched me, even though I apologized to them for not spending as much time with them as before. They still ditched me. It's difficult to still hold hope for genuine friendships after that experience.
Most people are like this. And if you are a sensitive non judgemental person, you’ll attract these types who only wish to use you as a wall to talk to. You’re far better off in solitude than with these leeches. Their idea of friendship is what they can suck from you not about learning you and loving you.
So, talking as a therapist, you may want to consider your own role in this problem. Friendship usually requires a reciprocity in vulnerability. If someone just listens it’s harder to connect to that person because you don’t know them. But the person listening thinks they are doing a good job because they are there for you! But what is required for friendship to flourish is shared intimacy and vulnerability. So not only being there for someone else, but allowing the other person to be there for you by also sharing more intimate things yourself.
@@VeniVinnieVici so what?? what when you talk and the other person does not care and talks all over you again, what are you supposed to do? scream at them hello i am a human being, listen to me too once please? you therapists act like gods that know all better, newsflash - - you dont
I recently made a friend but he is not very active person i live far away from home coz of uni and here i feel very lonely even there are lots of people sorrounding me
It somehow feels easier to make friends when you already have friends. When you do have the support and blessing of already have friends, it's easier to feel relaxed and confident socially. Being lonely sucks and it can be really hard to break out of
@@jaybird0312 He probably got those friends from his childhood or as a teenager, where the social environment is different (much easier and simpler) than in adulthood.
I had this realisation recently too. People tend to want to be friends with those who don't need them. To actually need friends is seen as being 'needy' which is considered a dreadful affliction to most people. I think it's because people might want to enjoy your company, but not be under any sort of obligation or pressure to help if you actually need help. Which isn't very nice but it does seem to be true of a lot of people.
I find that people who already have a core group of supportive friends, they’re not outwardly seeking other friends so if you’re just a lone wolf out there, it’s almost like you have to find another loner too..no one wants to invite you into their circle from my experiences..maybe I’m completely wrong though..it’s tiresome meeting unfriendly standoffish people tbh
I lost myself in my last relationship and lost all my friends during this period. I've now realized a bit too late that a real friend is worth so much more than a lover.
I've had a lot of friends as a kid but having friends is quite honestly pointless if they're the kind of people who make you feel lonely. Ironically, I've never felt lonelier than when I was with other people.
Sometimes that is so true. I feel that way about my own family. I never feel lonelier than when I'm with my family. Sure, they feel familiar, but they're empty, gossipy, pathological narcissists except for one sister.
@@le_th_ those are many bad terms and not a single good one or an understanding that people have its flaws and such. have you considered that you might be like them to some extent?, after all, they're your inmediate enviroment and role model for relationships and human behaviour some instrospection wouldn't hurt
We’re seriously living in an awful dystopia. So many people are broke from living paycheck to paycheck in survival mode because they’re not paid adequate wages, are friendless, and can’t find a meaningful romantic relationship or even a date. Part of this is the rise in narcissism and transactional nature of society. A lot of people are also paralyzed from trauma, which stunts their ability to interact and relate. It doesn’t feel like much is being done about these issues.
@@jazzfan67 If you’re thinking of taking your own life, please don’t. You are loved and important. Talk to me if you need to. If it’s a terminal illness, still know you are loved and I wish you well.
@@badbabybear1you are so lovely. I understand him, when you see the rise of AI technologies and the alarming future, it's like seeing the death of all important human connections.
A few years ago one of my oldest friends lost his job after coming down with heart failure. He spent a long, painful time recovering, and during all that time almost all of his other "friends" stopped contacting him or answering his calls. I was one of the only friends of his who tried to support him through that time. Honestly it seems as if most people nowadays just like friendship as a concept, but retreat anytime the need to act like a real friend shows up.
Thats how I feel and that’s why I don’t care about friendship anymore. I know for sure that none of my friends would visit me in the hospital. No one would life a finger for me in times of need. And I see other people who have so called good fiends and none of their friends are there in times of trouble either. There has be genuine platonic love for friendship to be possible I suspect and I think that’s hard to find.
It's a stupid movie line but it stuck with me. "Friendship means little when it's convenient." And I'm blessed to have 2 friends that have not just stuck with me but enjoy my company for 5 years going.
I call these fairweatherers. They never want to be caught up in anything serious because it brings them down. I notice this in a lot of my so called friends. I'm struggling with a bad hand with health issues and lack of help for childcare and all of a sudden all these helpful friends scatter like roaches when I'm begging for someone to watch my daughter so I can go to a doctor appointment.
I know many Millennials and Gen-Z find it hard to make friends and suffer from incredible loneliness. The internet and social media have made talking a lost art. I can remember the days before the internet where people actually sat for hours and had deep conversations. They also did in person activities together. True friendships are maintained by doing things together and giving up your precious gift of time. The internet has killed off a lot of it
I'm a younger millenial and have no idea how you come to the conclusion that people don't spend time together anymore? It is still the primary way to get people's social needs met. I haven't met a single person who is not interested in having long talks and doing fun stuff together. Maybe not every day or every week if they are an introvert but still.
@mericanmodi8479 I mean, I don't know where you live so maybe we're both right. In Europe, people are not (yet?) THAT addicted and glued to their phones.
Even before social media, I had problem making close friends because of my autism (yes, I'm a high functioning person on the spectrum), and it doesn't help that back in the 90's and early 2000's, autism wasn't really understood and also mental health was still stigmatized. Because of my autism, I have to go to 3 elementary schools and I didn't have any "normal" close friends that weren't autistic. So I had problem trying to socialize, or learning how to make friends with people that are normal/neurotypical through even before social media and text messaging. We don't know how bad the friendship recession and loneliness epidemic happened in pre-social media era in the 90's and early 2000's. But given that mental health was stigmatized and autism wasn't well-understood like compared to today, it's possible it could've been bad back then for some people that had trouble making friends. We don't know how many people may have suffered from friendship recession and loneliness epidemic in silence back in the 90's and early 2000's. But I'm the evidence of suffering from loneliness in silence (I didn't fully understood loneliness back then like I do now).
I think everyone should have an in-person D&D group. Or whatever tabletop RPG they want to play. In my experience it's the ultimate social activity for lonely people who want friends, and I highly recommend it.
I recently had a phone call with an old coworker of mine after not working there for a year. I thought it was so nice that she reached out to me and I was excited to have possibly made a new friend. We talked for about 25 minutes before she asked me to pay a bill of $450 for her. Turns out I wasn't making a new friend, I was being buttered up to be used for money. Honestly made me feel so violated. I haven't given up hope though, I have joined FB groups and am meeting new people.
I also had a similar experience ... An old colleague suddenly reached out to me, supposedly to say hi. In the course of the small talk, it turns out she was actually scheming to recruit me into some pyramid scheme 🙄 She never called back because I declined!
I find it really embarrassing to admit that I don’t have any friends and I’m lonely. I used to have a huge group of friends as a teenager but over time they’ve all moved away or we’ve lost touch. I thought I had a few good friends pre-pandemic, but when I split with my partner I found out they were actually his friends, and I’ve not heard from them since (2 years ago). Worked hard on picking myself back up and made 2 new friends and they’ve just told me they’re moving away in a year so I’m back to zero.
I know it will seem weird and out of the blue, specially from an stranger online, but I wouldnt mind being your friend even in an online setting or just having a pair of ears to hear and listen to you with any worries or topic you would like to discuss. Maybe social media its driving us apart more and more plus making us feel lonelier than ever, but im more on the side that is only a tool and we give it the use best suited for us, and making friends or keeping that connection when further apart is the best thing about it.
I've had the same experience as you. I never had any problems with making and keeping friends until I've finished uni and started working. It's very comforting to hear that we're not alone with this problem even though it of course doesn't solve it.
@@notaburneraccount Have you tried talking to the average lonely person? It's like they don't even want friends to begin with. One word replies to open questions and replying "ok" to something you said about your life has been my experience with this kind of person.
One thing I’ve noticed as an adult is that many friendships fall apart when one of them starts dating / gets married. Their world revolves around their partner now, so they have a lot less time for you and you’ll be alone. It’s hard to become friends with a mother / wife because their entire world is their children and marriage. They don’t care or have time for friendships.
Because people are not marrying for agape love, but for trauma bonding co-depedencies. They have their fuel..... so you're gone. Truth. Internet and anti-social media addictions too.
@@amandak.4246Agh. I hate when people say stuff like this. The person’s partner is not their friend. They just co-opted the role because of the lack of actual friendship in their lives.
I became closer to my brother when he got married. I didn't have a problem maintaining friendships when I had a partner. My mom and dad went out with their own set of friends separately, sometimes together. What goes on with those friends who change after marriage? I don't get it.
I'm 47 years old and I basically have no friends. My best friend died a few years ago, and a part of me went with her. Even though I'm open to making new friends, I feel it is difficult to do so, as everyone seems to have their own clique and are not interested in new friends. I do have friends, but most of them are married, and honestly, I can't relate and I do feel like an outsider. Friendship costs time, energy and money, and some people don't want to be friends unless I'm willing to spend money on lunch, coffee, etc. I really miss you Michelle, no one loved and cared for me like you did. You were genuine, unbelievably kind and compassionate, non judgemental, smart, funny, so accepting and understanding. Your last words to me were I love you. I do need friends, and I hope to find ones as great as you my Seashell. Mermaids together forever, I love you ♥️😭♥️
Hey, I also lost my best friend. I'm 28, she was gonna be 31 this year but she committed suicide last August... And I'm like you, open to make new friends but that hole can never be filled again because no one is her. Im constantly thinking that I could send her a message to see her, or that she'd be there for me with some health related stuff but she's gone forever and it's so hard. I know I'm just a stranger on the internet but I empathize and I send love. Many people don't know how horrible it is to lose your best friend...
@@Tzinacacihuatl I am sorry for your loss *hugs* The emotions must still be very raw for you, and thinking about what you are going through brings tears to my eyes. I never thought I would lose my best friend, at least not so soon. 6 years later, and I still cry sometimes when thinking about her. I am hopeful that I will find people that I can call good friends, because if my best friend loved me, then there must be something good about me and that I'm worthy of friendship and love. I still send her messages on social media, knowing that there would be no reply. I hope you are getting the support you need from your loved ones during this period of mourning. It will get easier and the tears will be less and less, but a little bit of sadness and emptiness will always be in your heart. Thank you for your kind words, as they give me some comfort. I wish you love, peace, strength and healing ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
@@hayatie that but about if they loved us we must be worth loving just want to deep into me I want to cry 😭 I send her memes, too, I imagine she sees them in the afterlife and laughs... Right now I'm mostly numb but the first months were hell on earth.. it's pretty lonesome because I don't really have other friends and I live alone but what you said really makes me hopeful that some day someone will love me as a friend again 🥹
@@Tzinacacihuatl I do believe that our friends are still with us, listening to us, watching us, still loving us. I get what you mean by the numbness; no feelings, neither happy or sad, just existing throughout the day, wishing to go back to sleep again, so that I could forget reality for awhile. I don't know you, but I know you are worthy of love and all of the good things in the world. If you need to unburden and talk, I am here to listen, I mean it 🌹💐 🌷
I was going through some old boxes in my basement and found countless letters that my mom received from her friends and ex-boyfriends in the 70s and 80s. Every letter was penned with such loving care, some included photos and elaborate doodles/art. Others recounted earlier memories of fun times gone past. At Christmas last year, my dad and his cousins recalled all the trouble and adventures they hadas teenagers/young adults. Whenever I get together with my cousins, everyone is staring at their phones. I couldn't figure out why I felt monrose until I realized that I have neither the volume nor (most importantly) quality of friends that my parents had at my age. I don't have the fun recollections of going on adventures or getting in trouble with my buddies. My life in comparison has been pretty stale. It's not for lack of trying, I've put myself out there and tried to make friends. I have found that most people that you meet in life are going to be neutral towards you. Many will only be interested in what you can do for them. It gets very draining. I am very thankful to have a few close friends, but truthfully I have found better connection with animals and nature.
@@elinope4745 Thank you. I work (and also volunteer) for a non-profit and love that I get to help people for a living. This fills my heart and soul. I have decided to make the best of the times I'm living in and try to make a small difference while I'm here.
@@nadineskye7050 try expanding on your hobbies. Lots of groups out there, and you may meet a kindred friend this way. When I was your age, yes, we didn’t have cell phones, so from childhood to college, I was into ballet, music, quilting, cooking, reading(bookstores)with friends. Had one who loved spooky places so we went to a “haunted” area. 😂 Today it just takes more creative ways to get out there and meet others because everyone is in front of their phones. But you can be the change that others will flock too, don’t give up.❤
You made quite some complains but I would ask how much did you do to anyone without being only interested in what they can do for you? As i noticed women very very rarely care about anything but themselves but they want other people to care about them for unknown reasons
I’d love to have more friends but I just don’t think our society is built to encourage friendships. With the number of hours we spend at work, we already struggle with personal obligations like chores, errands, childrearing, etc. With what free time can we devote to creating and maintaining friendships? We’re all so busy trying to survive. And on a personal note, it’s tough to find friends who are decent human beings. I feel like the population is fraught with people with personality disorders, narcissism, etc. Not everyone is capable of being a good friend and I’d go so far as to say that finding a truly good unproblematic friend is rarer than the opposite.
I used to be a wildly social extrovert with a massive friend group throughout all my school years and 20s. There wasn't a person I wouldn't chat up and make friends with. Heading into my 30s, many friends started moving away or having kids (which I have not). Add to that the pandemic which further drove everyone apart and feels like the ultimate nail in the friendship coffin. Fortunately I still keep in touch with a handful of old friends, but it's a lot more surface-level (sending each other occasional memes/articles/videos, but nothing in the way of deep conversation like we used to have). Now that I'm nearly 40, it's quite hard to make new friends, and I've grown increasingly introverted. Not in the least bit shy, though- big distinction there. I can still chat up total strangers with ease and confidence. It's just that I don't really care to anymore. And when I do, it feels brief and superficial, and I almost always would rather be at home doing my own thing, working on personal projects or almost anything else. The idea of going to lots of parties and meeting new people used to thrill me a decade ago, but now that sounds boring, exhausting, and totally draining. But at the same time, I enjoy my time alone. I never would've thought as an extrovert growing up that I could become a total introvert. I think in many ways I kind of burned myself out from the first few decades of non-stop socializing, and have finally found myself in all of it - and turns out I actually enjoy just doing my own thing. I do love seeing old friends, though, it's just not the way it used to be.
How interesting. Our stories are slot alike and so are our ages (starting to think theres something to that). The sharp part of the turn for me happened during the pandemic like it did for alot of people. But I just happen to be at the age (mid 30s) where the process of making new friends has mostly transitioned out of the natural ways of our younger lives and just doesn't occur much on it's own anymore and being deliberate about it is a strange, new and unexplored concept I've never considered and don't know how genuinely optimistic I am about it now. In 2019 I had a pretty fully equipped social life that was effectively treating certain needs that at long points in earlier life I barely had or lacked entirely. Alot of mental and emotional negativety had been inflicted on me throughout those periods and certainly turned into issues and hangups I reluctantly carried with me through college and deep into my 20s. By the end of my 20s andentering my 30s I would out it simply by day saying things had started working for me, well enough. I had finally gotten to a point where I was secure enough not to think I would ever lose the basic structure of this social web I got used to enough to take for granted. Between family deaths and friend deaths, massive friend migrations to other states and countries, friends getting married and starting families, mental health issues provoked by quarantine, or just people who got lazy or anti-social after a year of being locked inside away from people..........my socal life just deteriorated into resembling, frighteningly, my lonely teenager life when I was homeschooled for half of highschool and the few friends I had basically vanished from my life. I was intensely lonely for years and couldn't see a way to hsving anything I wished to have with other people. I feel more like that lonely depressed teenage me than the 2019 me. How the hell did that happen? Now, in my late 30s, this long after quarantine, I still find myself with an empty social life the same way I found myself demolished with an empty social life last year. Connection, meaning, support, company, sense of being loved etc. It's been robbed from me. I never wanted this to be what my final 30s years would be like and here I am. This is much more difficult to fix at this point than it was when I was in my early 20s.
I think this happens to everyone in varying degrees. I'm 31 years old and it has been months since I met my close friends. Even on whatsapp group we just share funny stuffs once in a while. . Thankfully I'm married so my wife is now my friend. lol
I'm 43. Had a healthy amount of friendship in my youth. But since university, I can count the new friends I've made on the fingers of one hand, despite being very active in all kinds of teams inside and outside work. Sadly most of my school/uni era friends became tossers, or I lost touch with them, or we're still in touch but l'm lucky if I see them once every few years. Might as well face it, people aim to settle down with a partner because the overwhelmingly likely alternative in the modern world is chronic loneliness. But romantic relationships are also now going the way of the dodo......
So sad and true, I've tried many years now to make friends, but I find little reciprocation, so I'm just learning to accept my situation for what it is.
@@Dimitris_Half have you discussed with yourself whether that's an incredibly loaded question which immediately begins by assuming the individual is the issue and not the fluffed up "society" we live in?
I’m literally dealing with this right now. It constantly hurts and takes up so much of my headspace. I have to actively keep myself from not thinking about the mistreatment, lack of reciprocation of care, and severe misunderstanding with no intent of mitigation. This video is so timely. And I’m sorry about your situation. You’re not alone in this.
In my situation, friends are hard to find, and I’ve finally accepted this fact after 10+ years of trying. By “friends” I mean someone close to you emotionally, someone who got your back, someone who cares about your well-being and checks in with you. (I have a a circle of people that hang out occasionally, but none is the type of friend I’m craving for and would really really appreciate.) I’ve done the same and offer the same to lots people that I thought could be good friends, but unfortunately, after 10+ years of trying, I‘ve finally accepted that everybody (in my circle) is too busy with life to care about me. This is quite disappointing, but unfortunately that’s my life so far. All I can say is, I tried, but I can’t find at least a great close friend.
Another disappointing thing is: they don’t really care about how you are doing, but they call you their friends only when they need something from you: resource, network, etc. I couldn’t understand this behavior for a while, until I finally just accept it as a fact as opposed to figure out “why they behave like that.”
Find a new circle. Yea, most people don't give a fuck and that's just how it is. Humans are selfish. Relationships come and go. that's why family values are so important. The generations of today forgot that for many reasons. So just find others who have the same vibe. Some will care. most won't. That's just how it is. We all live busy lives. It's tough out there. After all, giving is mentally good for you.
You lasted longer than I did though. I gave up after 6 years. Now I struggle behaving normal because one side wants to find friends and the other just doesn't; "people are threats."
I feel like many people around me see friends as a substitute for a romantic relationship, and as soon as they find that special someone, they curl up into a love nest and start thinking they no longer require friends.
Agreed past 30 people prioritise settling down and having kids. Friends sadly become less important. Also they dot have as much time for them. Just the way it is
Some of that is out of necessity. But I will say that I’m divorced now and finally have made friends with a group of women who I love. We support each other, laugh together, go on trips together. One of us is dating seriously and the others are at all spots on the dating spectrum. And I think we all know now that a romantic or sexual relationship will never be an adequate sub for friendship. I feel blessed. It’s taken me until my 50s to find these women, but at least I did. So grateful.
I think a big problem in the US and maybe elsewhere, is everyone is really tired out! Life is just a grind of work and chores on the weekends just trying to make ends meet. In the 80’s we often had a bunch of friends over for a party but that’s not possible now. I even overheard someone at the grocery store saying they hated the holidays because it was too stressful and tiring. Friendship requires time and energy to cultivate and a lot of people don’t have either anymore 😢
I would say if you live in hyper realistic and hyper capitalist society where productivity and profit is valued for over well-being is only responsible for making people into burned out zombies, and depressed individuals with no social life and responsibility is sure the “best” feeling am I right?
The biggest in the U.S as an American Gen Z citizen living here is that everyone is obsessed with trying put food on their plate or making sure they live in their roof the next day. I’m getting tired of this American mindset and mentality. I’ve been to other countries all my life. People aren’t obsessed with being better than everyone else or having a bigger mansion and a yard. SERIOUSLY LIVING IN THE UNITED STATES IS EXHILARATING AND TIRING. IM SO TIRED OF THE SELFISHNESS THAT WE DO TO EACH OTHER. I AM TIRED OF THE GREED AND OBSESSION WITH BEING BETTER THAN EVERYBODY ELSE. We Americans are psychologically traumatized by 9/11 and it is due to daily lives. My mom is suffering from this chronic stress and loneliness. I am so tired of the United States capitalist system where it is no longer capitalist! It doesn’t feel human and warm at all. Nothing feels cozy…
Americans need to get into the mindsets of a decent healthy work/life balance. Smash market Capitalism and replace it with a more socialistic model and friendships and leisure could truly be a possibility and be achieved. It's the same with guns, bring about robust legislation then there will be less needless deaths per capita. It's simple....The US desperately needs a socialistic/humanitarian revolution!!!!!!!!!!
I'm 22 years old and somehow ashamed to admit just how terribly lonely I am. I have always been, but it's getting even worse. I have a few friends, but they have boyfriends and are busy with their lifes. I only see them a few times a year. Not having close relationships makes me so sad :(
Please do not depend your happiness to people. I've been and still experiencing it right now. Make yourself busy, appreciate even the small things in life. Some people teach us to be alone. Alone time is more often the best thing because there's no issues, drama, anxiety that we're getting to other people.
I felt the same way as you when I was 22. Now I'm 26, and I don't have a lot of friends. But by this age you know who your true friends are and who you can depend on. The rest sort of float away. Just hang in there, I think you'll find the right people. Even if it's 1 or 2 people, that's all you need if they are solid and dependable.
@@deepspace5121 We are wired to connect you can't do anything about that reality. So saying don't rely on anyone is meaningless. None of us are Islands with bloody hobbies to distract us.
Yeah, i actually wondered where young people get partners to date nowadays. My elder son is divorced - his ex wife was from high school. My middle son has a lot of friends, and a high paying job, he goes out on regular basis and travels but does not have a gf. My youngest has a gf who studied with him at the same university. So unless u do not meet a partner at the place of studying seems like that s it. I hope u will find someone. I met my husband at a night club, but that was very long time ago. And before him i had a bf whom i met on an airplane - our seats were next to each other. Nowadays i fly on a regular basis because i live in 2 countries - France and Finland, my husband does not like to travel to Finland in winter so i come alone, never ever even once anyone tried to talk to me on a plane or airport. Not that i would like to, but I wouldnt mind to chat with someone while waiting. Times changed. Very difficult to meet new people
As I got older, friends started to diminish due to life changes (marriage, children, etc). Now, at 48, I have no friends and haven't dated anyone in 15 years. No kids, no wife, no friends, no family - there are many days that I really miss those types of connections. If I can put the thought of being alone the rest of my life - in the back of my mind I can go on without much suffering, but during holidays is when it gets to be a bit too much.
Go to the closest Greek Orthodox Christian church and become a catechumen. Attend liturgy and then mingle after. Look up “Theosis.” Love God and love your neighbor as yourself. Friends will come.
Social medias and over connectivity killed what you imagine as "friendship". I'm not that old, i'm nearly 33 but i'm old enough to have lived through an era without internet / social media hegemony. The rarity of the interactions we had in the past is what made it so precious, no talking to your friends all day via an app made you meeting for a simple game of playstation session with friends much more valuable, sleepovers used to have real meaning, meeting people outside of school/work show dedication. This rarity is what forged valuable and solid friendships. Most of my friends today are the ones i made when internet and social media weren't that important / non existent
This. I have 2 childhood friends whom I didn't see for more than a decade and we didn't add each other on social media. Last year I went back to my old town and we pick up where we have left. It's the connection. Where as in my social media I have over 500 personal acquaintances but no deep connection. All there is are shallow interactions.
This has been my experience also. On a larger scale better roads and the rise of large suburbs over people living in villages, towns and cities has meant that most people live in places where there is no natural community gathering points nearby, and if there are, they are places you must pay to use or be expected to buy things while there, so you don't often go.
I’ve met my first batch of fake friends in high school. Stopped hanging with them at 23. My next wave of fairness came around 28 which lasted till about 42. Long story short, no more Fake friends and no more friends period. People have let me down time and time again. They bring NOTHINGS to the table.
After getting done dirty for a number of times, you learn to appreciate your own company. The world is a lot more cutthroat than people realize. A true friend is a rarity these days.
I have great friends, we have been good friends since we were 5-6 years old and now im nearly 40. We are like brothers and even though I live in another country I still call and travel to visit. I'm very lucky and it's a effort worth making. I still make new friends now but it's not the same solid connection that I have with my older friends.
I have had a couple of instances where other men who I thought were good friends started treating me in a way that made me question our relationship. In both cases I was the one to end the friendships. I don’t cut someone off for minor offenses but when I see a pattern develop that clearly says to me something has changed for the worst then I will back away from the relationship.
It is very comforting to read the comments here and realize that we're all having trouble making/retaining friends!! I think connecting is just harder in general these days, be it friendship or lover or coworkers. Hopefully no one here makes friends for the sake of having friends, and more importantly I hope everyone who reads this find a human connection that they can rely on and treasure 🙏
I've thought I had good friends at work but one of them randomly stopped talking to me. I just let it be because im not going to keep reaching out to someone who has a one sided view of friendship.
@Mike Kane!. Bruh what a whole damn essay you got there. I agree with you esp about how we don't and shouldn't need to be friends with everybody, although I think it's always good to get to know people outside your own bubble. Interesting take too about how social media makes it easier to spot friendship counts and how it affects us. Take it easy, thanks for sharing your opinion~ :)
My grandparents - grandma died at 90 last year, grandpa still kicking at 92 - were constantly hanging out with their friends all through their lives. In their photo albums, there are almost as many pictures of their friends having parties and travelling as there are of family. They joined community organizations, got involved at church, made friends with neighbours. Somewhere along the way we decided that once you pass your mid 20s or so, it has to be all about your partner, immediate family and career. Seems to have started with my parents' generation and even worse in my own. It's a lonely way to live and doesn't help us to understand each other. And the pandemic has made it worse - I have a good group of friends who would at least get together once a month or so, and now nobody ever wants to do anything. It's like pulling teeth to get people together. Everyone got too comfortable sitting at home watching Netflix and scrolling through reels.
I personally wouldnt want to waste my life on pointless parties. I would dedicate my time to 1. My husband 2. My children 3. My cats 4. Gym 5. My hobbies like painting, knitting and playing piano I want to drink wine - can sit with my husband in a restaurant
I remember growing up how tight nit my community was. Neighbors watching out for everyone's kids, teachers, the people who worked at the corner store. That all started to decline in the 90's and by the 2000's it was none existent. Now it is becoming increasingly common for a person to die in their home and no will know for months before they realize they're dead. Something about our society has destroyed our sense of community. I can't help but feel this was deliberate because it does make us weaker and easier to exploit.
Mass, uncontrolled nonEuropean immigration has taken a relatively homogeneous nation to a heterogenous nation. The West is repaganizing, no moral consensus based on biblical truth, therefore no common culture, therefore everyone hunkered up at home behind screens
What's worse is how many deny this obvious societal decline. Many folks here agree, but many still just insist things are the same as they ever were. Social collapse seems imminent & in some ways already taking place.
You’re absolutely spot on. It was always intentional and it has low key and all around covertly been weakening the Wyte American tribe… (European roots.) For some reason which I won’t say….we just can’t have a sense of community anymore. Our ancestors built and created this country/system as a tribe of people who worked together…. if that is the case then why are we all looked at as strictly individuals for our achievements… yet always looked at as one large group collective for our sins or failures? 🤔 we have truly been propagandized so bad all these years some of it is almost subconsciously… Whether that be through entertainment or the liberal education system… Nothing beats being born in 1996 not just as a male but as a wyte male… growing up and slowly figuring out through feminist female teachers that men are the destroyers and violent…. especially Wyte men who are responsible for all the evil and colonialism and slavery anddddd that’s how it starts man. not only is it frowned upon and socially looked down upon to form a collective or even talk about it from a societal stand point is disheartening and not right. The thin line between it being an unpopular thing to do amongst our ethnic group…and it being labeled as nothing but absolute HATE for other less fortunate groups is one big guilt based power move and I hate it. if we wytes even think about forming a group collective to build positive results? That’s wrong and we should think about how that may just effect others for once…. us wytes when our ancestors societal achievements are constantly being undermined and pushed aside… just so every other group can focus the hate on us current day Wyte Americans? all in the name of equity and raci$m and diversity and immigration and DEI and i$rael and poverty and feminism and women’s liberation and abortion and blah blah blah blah Rant over but you’re right my friend. Community is non existent and money will not and doesn’t ever fill that deeply needed tribal void we have ingrained in our DNA. Being a man is such an absolute joke these days. All the blood of our ancestors shed to get the group where we are today yet now that it’s all built society just wants us to maintain it really. Other than that? I can’t think of another group alongside our very own wyte women…. that wouldn’t actually prefer that we European rooted blue eyed wyte men stand in the corner and focus on nothing else but shutting up and thinking about what we did wrong in the timeout section. Everyone elses group is still extremely tribal and or somewhat loyal yet for some reason wyte people… took the Bait early on and decided to play along for the betterment of everyone else yet at their own demise. We took the Bait hook line n sinker for everything related to this democracy based color blindness narrative we’ve had shoved down our throats. It’s a joke. It’s lonely and it’s pointless. We’re weak and we’re practically being genocid3d. Without community? humans simply.. aren’t human.
“It is better to be alone, than to be in bad company.” - George Washington. sometimes negative friendships end up bringing you down and I think it is important to have a criteria that helps you better understand what friendship really involves. Having a criteria will also make you a better friend to those around you. If you don´t have close friends, think about what you would expect from a close friend and try and practice that with the people around you. Accept that friends come and go and that is just part of life. Be grateful for the good times and look to the future
Well, I applied the most basic set of rules, blocking those who add me as a "friend" without being even remotely interested. I have a grand total of 1 local person remaining as an online contact, and not one I would consider close by any means. Hungary moment.
True. I think people in the past were more willing to put up with people who were just taking advantage of them, they might have considered someone a "friend" when really it was one sided. While people today might have fewer to no friends, it might be because they are taking better care of themselves - they're not willing to bend over backward for someone who doesn't or udn't willing to do the same. People back in the day might see a friend once in awhile, call a friend once in awhile, and not notice how poorly they were treated. It could be a, "well, that was a bad conversation but I'm sure there was just something going on in their life that I couldn't see.". Now that we have social media and text messaging, you can see that someone is constantly inconsiderate of your feelings; you can see how they treat others the same way. It's easier to recognize and leave one-sided friendships than ever before.
Lost all my close friends in a 6 month span last year. It was insane, all for different reasons. And then my family moved away. I have been too busy to even comprehend it until the last few weeks. I’ve never had trouble making friends. But making close friends isn’t something you can just do overnight. I’m seeing this as an opportunity to choose wisely, as your friends really do affect who you are and who you become.
I've seen so many friends change and actually act misable family and friends to me mean everything but I'm actually seen people get more misable with age,I'm greatfull to God for everyday and I'm happy because I've gratitude but it's sad times when people who arnt as happy for your happiness as you are for there's!! I teach my kids to be respectfull happy but don't be fools for anyone as sadly people will try pull you down while I tell them to bring people up !!! Thank God there's still real kind guinine people out there but choose wisely who's around you ,God bless us all of good heart 🙏
I lost most of my friends by now because we all live in different cities, they got married etc. Also, there were quite a few where I just gave up. They never reached out by themselves, I always had to initiate any contact because it never came from them. Quite frankly would be happy if it didn't always feel like I was the only one reaching out.
Thats so true. Same here. I got TIRED of always being the one reaching out. I come from a culture that is passive aggressive and I'm not so people don't follow through, give empty platitudes and waste time just going round and round. I simply got TIRED of them and walked away. Also some proved to be users/narcissists looking for supply. The first mean or manipulative thing they say or do and I cut them off immediately. They care testing boundaries to see how far they can push. Pre pandemic I had made a few new friends and was connecting and relating then BOOM! Everything and everyone scattered like the wind and now I am a much deeper and broader person -don't have the same desire for people relating.
Similar thing happened to me. I just had to give up on some friendships (or at least downgrade them) and seek out the friends who were more fulfilling. It's kinda sad and hard to let go like that, and equally hard to find the right new people, but you will never regret it when you finally find your people once again.
personal observation - in mixes of people where various levels of "friendships" evolve into being - sometimes it's not that you're embraced, it's that you're tolerated out of a sense of not wanting to offend.
My memories of true, meaningful friendships are all from my childhood. We wanted to be with each other because those were the best times we ever had. We valued each other for the people that we were, and we could be genuine with each other because we didn't feel like we were being judged. We shared our possessions, but more importantly we shared ourselves. We talked about things that mattered, we listened to each other and advised each other. Imagine a world where adults could relate to each other the way children do.
I’m in mid-20s and I already see my friendships slowly disappearing because my friends are getting married, moving out etc. I always try to initiate meetings but the moment someone has their own family, they don’t think about friends that much.
Sad truth. It's creepily animalistic of us, but most people just drop single friends when they're married with kids. Too much work. Easier to be friends with people you don't have to make time for, such as people you can go on couple dates with or who have kids your kids can play with. Stupid shit but true
Friendships are supposed to be natural, formed from shared journeys and just being "relatable" with one another. You shouldn't have to "force" yourself to make friends. But I agree that as people get older and lives diverge, its harder to make friends because people already have their socia circles created.
I’ve noticed this too and it makes no fucking sense. The older they are the more closed off they are. Like they’re no longer open for business to make new friends and have connections. I’ve heard people say “i have a few good friends I don’t need more. I got no time for that” that’s so sad. Different people can give you different things. Every friendship is different.
@@ayla8345it's tedious and time consuming to get to know people only to find out we are not, after all, friend material. Just too much hassle later on in life, especially if one has had a ton of bad experiences such as convenience based friendships.
@@annanajduch5201 It's only tedious and time consuming if you view it that way. Sometimes it becomes an opportunity to have fun finding similar interests. Even if it doesn't work out, it's better than not trying. Astrum huh?
As I entered my mid 30's, I lost so many friends and in turn social media like youtube and reddit became the last bit of interaction I could get in life. I love my kids and wife, but increasingly feel isolated and lonely outside of the family unit
Are you interested in sports? Could you not join a club...Even do some cooking classes to socialise more. I know it's not easy. I'm a few years older than you.
I am 27 years old and live in California. I meet people and try to go out to be social, but I am almost always left feeling like it's "forced" or that the quality of the connection is just not there. Tonight I went to a gathering where I knew some people, and I felt like I was in middle school again. People acted super awkward, not being able to get into a genuine conversation. It was very surface level interaction. I left feeling like people don't know how to have meaningful insightful conversations with each other. Most conversations I have these days seem to be forced small talk...
I was born in another country and will never get used to the awkward strange encounters and behaviors that I see living in LA, especially. People here don’t know how to interact with others, it’s like this weird cold and shallow exchange with people. It’s very sad.
There there may be an error in approach here: expecting insightful discourse right out the gate has felt like setting myself up for failure throughout my life. People absolutely are willing of it, capable of it but few view it as customary or even appropriate in newly established social settings. So instead of serving as a foundation that any promising relationship ought to have early on, it may prove fruitful to slow one's roll and take those rare instances where intimacy is quickly established as an indicator for a truly good match.
I have no friends and honestly, sometimes it does feel like the worst thing. But, there are many days where I'm much happier alone. I see classmates always being fake with one another and gossiping, and that just makes me realise that I'm kind of happier not being involved with all of that. I genuinely don't think people my age have the capability of genuine affection and kindness... I'm lonely at times, but it feels safer and less stressful.
genuine affection and kindness happens, but it comes and goes, just like jealousy and gossiping. There will never be the perfect friend, can t exist, we are humans so there are only shades of grey
I feel the same way. I swear I try to not be like a "not like other girls" girl (lol), but it's really hard for me to connect deeply with most other women my age in my early 20's. I have one younger friend who was homeschooled, but she's also like four years younger than me and really timid/relies on her parents a lot. I'd try to help her out of her comfort zone but I'm also busy as hell all the time.
i feel the same, i feel isolated and lonely, but i cant relate to my classmates. In my case they just gossip and talk about partys, how much they drank and who they think are hot (im quitting drinking, cant be close to drinks) So being alone isnt always so bad... but i miss chatting and gaming
From my own personal experience, most friendships are situational. Same job, same school, same interests, etc. As soon as one of those things change, so too does the friendship. You only need 2-3 true friends who you can always count on.
True. And it's a mathematical reality. I personally don't want to deal with 10s or even 100s friend-obligations per year, rubbing other people egos (being objective isn't really a trait of a true friend, unfortunately), just to be considered as a person with lots-of-friends. Fuck that...
It feels like an age thing, the older I get, the more picky I get, the less I care about dealing with people, the more ‘transactional’ everything feels. Friends are expensive too, just about everything we do together costs money.
Definitely true but also you have a certain amount of experience under your belt. Things in general aren't as exciting as they used to be... Friendships happen not out of loneliness per se but out of curiosity for others. It's just no longer that interesting anymore.
Yeah it definitely gets more difficult with age. Easy to make friends in school where everyone is the same age, taking the same classes, and all on roughly equal footing. It's a lot harder when you get into the working world where there are enormous age gaps and power imbalances.
I hear ya but I've always been highly independent and when it comes down to it won't take shit from anyone. If a friend insults something sacred to me, is highly competitive or jealous, or even dodges me after I loan them money I cut them off like it's nothing.
Such good points. I always thought of it as losing friends when they pair bond and then have kids, but that hasn’t been as much of an obstacle as distance and finances, and the transactional aspects.
I think a big element in the decline in friendship is social media - I think when you see pictures and hear news of friends on a daily basis, it tricks the brain into thinking you’ve connected with and actually ‘seen’ your friends so you then don’t wonder how they’ve been and therefore don’t actually call or meet up with them. Social media is a poor surrogate for actually connecting directly, face-to-face with people. Remember that feeling most of us had when the pandemic hit and we could only talk via video, even that highlighted something fundamental and vital to our interactions that was missing, even during a video call - so just imagine what is missing from engaging in nothing more than online curtain twitching when we “interact’ on social media.
I am from London and I can honestly say it is the worst place on earth to make friends. You only become friends through school, work or dating, it is extremely seldom to become friends with a new neighbour or a stranger in a cafe, bar or on the street. There is a constant suspiciousness and cynicism from people, something that abroad I have very few times encountered. I lived in China for 2 years and felt my confidence grow like never before, then I had to return to the UK where my mental health plummetted, I then took a solo holiday to Mauritius where I suddenly made loads of friends again and for a 2 week period felt my confidence grow again before hitting back in reality. I currently left a group of 'friends' who I had known for 12 years whose lad banter always found me as one of the constant targets which made me shy and anxious to ever be myself in person and even online. Now I have left this group and I have no way or idea of meeting people to make friends around London, I feel surrounded by people but incredibly lonely
England has a culture of selfishness that's even larger than the US. Also, the weather could definitely be a factor, as well as the general tribalism with various subcultures (I'm definitely talking football culture, as one example). There's a lot of factors at play there.
Just here to say you’re spot on. I had no issues making friends anywhere but in London it’s almost impossible. Everyone seems so closed off, earphones in, eyes pealed to their smartphone. What’s crazy is most people seem to feel the same way but only a select few have the drive to actually do something about it and meet new people
I'm in the US, but my experience is similar. I don't know anyone who has friends outside of school, work, and dating... people say we're "friendly" here, but it's shallow. No one really wants to get to know a stranger.
Hey I have to ask, are you taking any steps to move away from there? The fact that you've found happiness elsewhere leads me to believe the problem is just that you're living in a city that obviously doesn't suit your personality.
Many people lose their friends because they get into a relationship with a significant other and abruptly treat their friends like they don't matter. It could be because of the time commitment or perhaps the significant other doesn't like the friends they have. It's only years later that they realize their mistake. I've seen people try to reconnect with their friends after a break up/divorce or the realization that true friendship isn't the same as a spouse. It's super awkward as that person basically tries to glaze over the fact they discarded their friends thinking they didn't need them anymore. Pretty sad.
Man, this is spot on. I had a couple GREAT friends that i spent nearly everyday with for like 10 years. Amongst the laughs and partying and experiences, i overlooked how surface level the relationship actually was. One of them suddenly phased himself out of our group silently over the years to be with his (VERY AVERAGE) girlfriend. The other mooched off me and another friend in our house during the pandemic and completely abandoned us for the "girl of his dreams" like 2 years ago once everything started getting sorted out. My other friends/roommates still keep in contact with him sparingly, but i couldn't be bothered by how disrespectfully he left us. To know i wasted so much time on people who weren't worth it makes me nauseous. Especially when my best friend of over 20 years never lived in the same city as me since we graduated high school, but made it a POINT to see me every time he came back to WA from NY. Hell, i met his 6 month old son like a month ago. The joy i felt holding my second generation bestie was UNPRECEDENTED.
@@Sarandib22 Men have lower standards when it comes to cleanliness, so even if they're progressive and agree to split the chores 50/50, it ends up being 25/75 because they have lower standards. Like if you change the bedsheets every week and he only changes them one a month then he's not going to start doing it fortnightly so you'll end up doing it 3 times a month. You could probably suss all this out before you move in with a guy though.
I think that many people struggle to make and maintain friends in adulthood, simply because friendship isn't a skill that is taught (in the way that math and literature is) in childhood. I grew up in a military family and lived in two different countries and five different states by the time I was fourteen. I was used to being the "new kid". I learned early on in life that I had to be very assertive in order to make friends. I also learned how to take rejection well, and develop an abundance mentality. You don't like me? That's okay! There's a million other kids all over the world who will. Who cares. I'm 27 now. I moved to a new city three years ago by myself. I didn't know anyone in the state. I built a circle of friends over time by doing what I did in my childhood... sucking up my pride and taking the intiative to invite people out FIRST, and not waiting around for someone to invite me. And moving on when you're rejected. It's a numbers game, much like dating is. It's really that simple. SO many people want friendships, but they're too afraid to reach out because they lack the skillset and experience to build them. So many people are lonely but don't talk about it. So many people are terrified of rejection. Be the light in someones life and be the first to reach out!
And that's why PUA was a popular trend at one point. Humans by nature have always been passive and lazy and rather be entertained. No one likes rejection. Pretty much everybody grew up in the warm isolated shielded nest of their parents these days. The quality of people imo went down a bit but didn't really change the dynamics. It's still numbers game. It's just not as nice as it used to be because of all the changes. I think everybody should just practice spending much less time on the internet and just focus on spending time with people offline. It's very very hard to break bad habits as well, not just the skill/mindset.
I work in early childhood education and learning how to make friends and be a friend is important. We use stories that help them gain a sense of empathy and kindness that they can then apply in their daily lives. Also learning things like how to share and include others in play helps them care for others outside of themselves. I've been the one to reach out first in my friendships only for things to be one-sided. I'd rather them say they don't want to be friends than me thinking they really consider me their friend.
Well, i was once like u, but when i saw people did not reciprocate - like if I invite they come, but they wouldn’t invite me anywhere, if i called they answered but they wouldn’t call me, so i just stopped. Lucky me i have a husband and children. So it is not like we lack company
@@bambinaforever1402 that’s been my experience too. It’s one thing to initiate a friendship but to have to be the only one to maintain the contact is exhausting. Friendships should not be one sided with one person putting in all the effort, and that’s often the case.
Decline of integrity seems to be happening at the same time as the decline of friendships. It's not uncommon for people to have an abundance of stories where friends have turned out to be too nosy, too needy, backstabbing, leeching, surface level, uncompromising etc
Agreed. All valid points as it stands. What I've seen and noticed is that if people can get away with a lie they will. When they know you have no inclination to follow up on a claim that may be a lie they will tell more lies which in turn causes people to back away from potential friends who may operate with a lack of integrity.
Yeah mental health issues have skyrocketed so there are many toxic unwell people out there. By the time you cut ties with people who are emotionally unsafe, it’s a lonely place.
I think one of the main reasons for the decline in friendship is that children don’t learn this skill like they did in earlier generations. Kids no longer roam around the neighborhood meeting other kids and organically forming friendships. They don’t know how to play with each other. Parents don’t make friends with their neighbors anymore which was another way for kids to meet. I’m not saying there aren’t good reasons for keeping your kids inside these days. But by trying to ensure their physical safety we may be sacrificing social development and mental health in many cases. Children don’t seem to make as many friends in school either. It’s all so regimented and on top of that more kids are homeschooled which also lessens those interactions. Children now hang out with adults more than ever. It’s not natural. I loved my parents and we had good relationships but they were not my friends. I didn’t want them to be my friends for Pete’s sake. I wanted people my own age.
Friendships are great if that person pushes you to become better. But if they're a toxic friend, it's better to focus on your growth alone until you attract better people.
Absolutely. My heart hurts for my middle daughter, who has had the worst luck with friends. She goes the extra mile for everyone in her life, but gravitates towards losers. I keep telling her there are better people out there. Why is it so hard to connect with so much "connectivity" due to technology?
@@jspaingreene6350 I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sure she will find better friends soon. The technology (social media) really doesn't help as it gives a false sense of connectivity. It's much harder to have "friends" meet somewhere and spend quality time or to do an activity together, instead they prefer to "socialize" through a phone screen. This also relates to the younger generation's lack of social skills, from what I've witnessed. I feel this as a young adult.
That is true to extent but friendship shouldn't be about 'oh can you improve me life' or how good they are. I think you have a very superficial idea of friendship.
@@EatMyShortsAU I appreciate your feedback! I feel the truest of friends are the ones that want the best for you and challenge you to become that better version of self. Improvement comes from within and is their choice, but who you associate with impacts that (as people are quite moldable). It's usually a good thing, if someone wants to see you improve, grow and have a fulfilled life.
Yes, I believe we are in a friendship recession. I have lost two dear persons recently that I thought they were true friends. But time reveals the truth about people. I'd rather stay on my own than be surrounded with fake friendships
That’s tough and I know how it feels but I hope you stay open and allow yourself to make meaningful friendships. Having a real friendship with someone isn’t easy and finding that person can sometimes be hard but it is worth it
@@mhraena Not easy to trust again. I will need time to recharge and heal before opening my heart once more. We get more selective, more cautious after too many disappointments
I’m damn near ready for life to just end. Everything feels so pointless and empty. We’ve become too smart for our own good while simultaneously being too dumb to stop being unkind to each other.
Yes. A dumb kind of "smart". It's much easier to be unkind than kind. It takes true effort to be really kind. One has to honestly look in the mirror and see some very ugly things in order to become genuinely kind. Society's engineers have made most of us very shallow & self absorbed. The worst part is that people don't truly believe that they are. Social media is a nighmare that's cons far outweigh its pros (and many don't want to hear that either, of course). I'm 58 and have literally witnessed my own family completely change due to Smart phones & generic online programming. And I've watched my own children lose their creativity & intelligence as they continue to tune into online content. This is just one of many uploads about the very same issue. We are overloaded with so much online information about loneliness, depression, anxiety, and all of the other negatives that come with our "Brave New World". It's a huge money maker because we are sick & ailing. Most everyone knows as much. So there are mentors and gurus crawling out of the woodwork to help us with our neverending list of problems. I'm not knocking this man or anyone in particular. It's just a fact.
Having even one best friend, let alone so many friends is not that easy. Human beings are often envious of what others have. Finding a good friend who is happy for your relationship with your spouse, while she is going through a struggle with her spouse. Having a friend who is happy that you bought a house and you have a good career, while she is still renting and has a small job. At least this is my experience. Today, people want to have everything others have and that creates a friction between friends. We are becoming more and more selfish and envious of others because of social media. Family dynamics also may play a role in our future friendship developments.
Yes, America is becoming more and more unequal and people are now more envious of other’s fortune and this makes it hard to make friends these days. People continuously compare to you.
Friendship is a lost art. It really is a developed skill and requires empathy, tact and the willingness to leave the house and engage in healthy activities. We are too narcissistic ,removed from nature and no coping skills where every problem is solved through violence.
thank you! people today expect their friends to be blindly supportive cheerleaders who are always willing to drop anything and everything for them, and that's just setting yourself up for disappointment. it also gives you an excuse to play the poor unloved martyr. the reality is that friendships come in all shapes and sizes and you should have a variety of friends, from soul deep all the way to the shallow end of the pool.
I believe one of the leading causes of loneliness, is social media. Creating a friendship involves exposing your vulnerabilities (whether you realise it or not) to your new peer. You’ll share certain things with people, when they’re on their own… but with social media, I think people can constantly see an audience they don’t want to share these vulnerabilities with.
true… honestly it’s pretty sad but I don’t have a best friend anymore. The person I considered my true best friend ended up just using me for homework answers. She didn’t seem to care that we drifted. That was a long time ago so I’m over it lol. But I never made another best friend to that level. I have friends but I never share my vulnerabilities with them. If you don’t share it will be easier to forget them when they leave. Nobody rlly seems to care when we drift. Not to mention that I feel left out of group convos, I mean I get talked over and interupted all the time. Like don’t get me wrong, I have lots of friends now and it’s pretty easy for me to have convos with a single person, but when it’s two people I’m always the third wheel. I’m not asking for sympathy or anything but I just wanted say that I’m used to ppl leaving me don’t share anything and you’ll be good.
Yeahh also social media show us the perfect model of friendship that we can't reach cuz it's a fake model plus the fact that sometimes some ppl act like a friends and care abt u just to be seen or to belong to built that cool image with no real love or care
Hmm, well, i'm one of those that don't want friendships because i'm sick and tired of getting betrayed... I've never really been on social media, beyond having a youtube account that i shitpost with for fun. :P You can never really trust anyone with any vulnerabilities, because those vulnerabilities WILL be taken advantage of, and they WILL be spoken of to the rest of the village... And at that point, your life is already over... The IDEA of trust in anyone, is wrong, and evil, it doesn't depend on who you're interacting with, sooner or later that person you thought was a friend WILL betray you, you can't trust ANYONE, no matter what, that's the lesson you learn after it happens enough times. It finally sunk in with me when my childhood friend threw me under the bus just to impress their new friend that used to be one of the two worst bullies in my former school... Yes, my childhood friend knew, she just didn't care... She valued her friendship with the bully, more than her friendship with me. I think i was like 16 or 17 years old at the time, that's when that lesson sunk in for me... Not even the person i trusted my entire life, could be trusted... Even my mother betrayed me on several occasions, sharing the secrets i confided in her with, with all her friends, because she wanted to get brownie points with them, rather than be a trustworthy parent to her own son... That happened before my incident with my childhood friend though.
Having "toxic" in your vocabulary to describe people is really the main problem here. It comes from people with mental issue, trans people and woman. The term "toxic" is for subtances, not people, so creating that imaginary concept of "toxic masculanity" and using it in every sauce is going to create what you did. Which is telling us how "toxic" other people can be. Now what? Parents have toxic kids, kids have toxic parents, toxic brothers, toxic systers, and now what, toxic teacher, toxic job, and so on. You see the spiral of deterioration and destruction for using meaningful and hurtful words everywhere, all the time. It's like putting a Demon and Evil on everything, which is false and wrong obviously.
Agreed. Very social cultures don’t equate feeling deep connections. In Latin America they are very friendly and extroverted, but it’s driven by culture and affirming each other’s existence. A lot of these interactions are “fake” or contrived. Those people who move to North America (and also don’t have the family and friends they grew up with) feel lonely bc culturally we don’t feel it necessary to stroke the ego of everyone who walks by. Better no friends than the illusion of friends.
@@stephanmarcouxdrums4877 what's with the blaming of mental issues, trans people, and women? Did they really create these terms or are you just trying to find an opportunity to bring them down? I don't really mind if the other points you said are true or not, in fact, starting your opinion by accusing others doesn't really make your point stand out, it just makes people know you are just as bad as those people you are "blaming".
I had toxic friends who drove me to the edge of suicide then laughed and mocked me for it. I would have been much better off without any friends at all
I grew up without any close friends. Was picked on and bullied in two schools. Made a close friend in college and after 11 years we are no longer in touch. I was sad of course, but thankfully I was in a position where I could afford to be very good friends with myself. Focused on enjoyment, travel and personal goals. Over the past 2 years I naturally seem to easily form at least casual friendship relationships. I never dwelt on sadness feelings and became quite the opposite.
See? Being on your own is fine provided you have a positive mental attitude. None of us need people, they're appalling. Just focus entirely on yourself in a vacuum. Love yourself because nobody else will.
as a 20 year old man in college, i can admit that the last time i feel i had true friendships was when i was 13 years old. nowadays, yeah, i may meet up with people, and share laughs with people, but for whatever reason, our bond doesn't feel like an actual friendship. i feel like social media plays a big part in people feeling without friends nowadays. we feel as if we constantly have the ability to stay "connected" with one another via social media, so we pay less attention to actually connecting with others in the actual world. to some, social media friendships is enough to suffice their friendship needs, not for me though.
I think social media also paints the image of what an “ideal friendship” (and what the ideal version of most relationships) looks like for most. persons start to seek this exact image out; try to “recreate” it as opposed to making genuine bonds in their own way. they make these fraudulent bonds for the sake of image .
I AM 22 years old and i agree with you,modern relationships feel very superficial you can talk to somebody today and laugh but tomorrow the other person might ignore and not talk to you again,people Also don't seem to like to say things about themselves so if feels like there is some kind of barrier between you and Said person
Tips and tricks: choose your friends like you'd choose a romantic partner. Compatibility and chemistry must be there! You can't be friends with just anyone, that's why they are so special. Date new friends to find out if they are someone you'd be excited to invest your time into. Also there is nothing wrong with enjoying a short term friendship (longevity is not always a sign of something meaningful). Quality over quantity is something to keep in mind.
I think one really big issue today is that nobody wants to be vulnerable anymore, unless it is transactional. People are only vulnerable with other people who are vulnerable so it becomes a co-dependancy for protecting vulnerability.
most of the times, being vulnerable will just bring you teasing and name calling from your potential "friends". Only rarely will you find true gems. But many people just don't want to be name called and teased for so many times (and rightfully so) before stumbling onto a real one.
Well of course they don't. Look at our heroes in media - steroid-abusing men acting like they carry the world on their shoulders and "tough it out" no matter how many bullets they take or windows they crash through, and increasingly, women who show no vulnerabilities or emotion under pressure, and only switch on emotion in their brains when they enter an unrealistically perfect environment to privately vent. Also, it's natural to be guarded around people who are guarded. If we want others to be vulnerable around us, we have to open up about our own vulnerabilities. I'm not good at it. I admire people for whom that comes naturally.
Well being vulnerable to ppl is really hard. I've tried in the past and each time, it always left me with regret. I'm sure that's why me and many ppl are reluctant to be vulnerable.
The only thing I take issue with in this presentation is that friendships aren't transactional. We make friends with those who make us feel better about ourselves. Shared interests and attitudes are key to that arrangement. Get yourself a chronic illness or get in a serious accident and see how many of your friends stick around when you can no longer provide the same friend benefits as you could before in the friendship. A cancer diagnosis will thin that friends list out real quick. Friendships are just as conditional as other relationships. What is also very different is making friends in your teens and early 20s vs. making them later in life, which is much more difficult.
You also forgot to mention getting arrested for any crime, even if it was never done. My brother was framed for "sexual behavior with a minor," and as soon as that news came out, every one of his friends jumped ship cause now he was considered a "molester." Meanwhile the only few people that vouched for him were my family and his lover at the time.
No one has "friends". Everyone merely agrees to mutually use one another until there isn't any reason to be around them. Take it from someone who knows. I did an experiment where I started saying "no" to people's requests. EVERYONE disappeared. Not one human being on the planet would hang with me unless I was doing something of monetary value for them. 😂🤣😂 Either that, or they wanted connections, clout, or something else, lol. 90% of humanity is hot garbo. Acceptance is key. 🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨
@@VideoGameStarChannelSupreme This is s terrible and horrendously unjust problem, especially as many modern psycho jurisdictions consider young mature women who would be mothers at any other point in human history to be """"children """".
I think because of parasocial relationships people barely notice their loneliness. We are in the age of social media. There is a world of distractions right in the palm of our hands in the form of phones and ipads and what have you. Lonely? Oh, just watch your favorite artist do a livestream. There, problem solved! There is something so 'magical' about parasocialism. The people you admire don't even know you exist, yet that doesn't stop them from making you feel positive and impactful emotions. And it's a relationship that doesnt need much work, if I'm being honest. When you get sick of your person, you just find another one to idolize and it wouldnt feel as heartbreaking as friendship fall-outs.
Good points. My local friends hardly make time for me or even reach out so I watch streams and long form videos feel less lonely. They feel more reliable and available. It's not for my lack of trying. I am understanding of people's life situations but if they can make time for other people, it tells me what they prefer to prioritize. It's pretty hurtful. I rather have no friends than people who claim to be my friend yet never make an effort to be around.
I talked to people about this for the past 20 years. I warned these relationships need to be maintained which requires effort. I noticed people wanted friends badly but didn't want to put in the effort to be a friend. By the time they need a friend they don't have any close ones because they hadn't spend the time or energy to cultivate those relationships.
I think alot of people won't make the effort to make friends. It's easier now with social media to sit at home and waste time on Facebook, insta, UA-cam etc and steaming services like Netflix, hbo max...
Or being taken for granted. I had a 30 year friendship, but as soon as she moved away, bam! Stopped calling me back, etc. Yet she told me often how hurt she was when her own sister didn't call her back (!)
Kept getting backstabbed and sabotaged by ‘friends’ repeatedly over the years- they kept feeling jealous/ competitive since I’m usually a fairly positive and self-confident person so they ruined me, my University life and my career as well. I moved to a different country and cut them all off- I’m now rebuilding my self-esteem back from scratch, peaceful in my thirties and happy with my family with zero drama from friends, thank you very much.
The problem that I have had with a once very close friend for many years is one of him treating me like a doormat and a backup option. We were very close/best friends starting our senior year in high school. We had our ups and downs but the friendship was always there. Even when he got married and had children we still stayed close. Then about 10 years ago or so he started engaging in passive aggressive behaviors towards me that clearly indicated (for reasons I still don’t fully understand) that he didn’t value our long term friendship anymore. He would ask me to go with him to a sporting event but didn’t follow through probably 1/2 dozen times and just left me hanging with no explanation. I would have let it go if it only happened once but when it kept repeatedly happening that clearly indicated something had drastically changed in our relationship. There was a final straw event that caused me to have an epiphany and just as he was doing to me I slowly and somewhat silently started the process of disengaging from our once long and close friendship. We haven’t spoken directly for almost a year and as far as I am concerned our friendship is over. It doesn’t make sense to me to try and force our relationship to be something it just plainly isn’t anymore.
I can understand you. Same happened to me, 90% of my closest "friends" from high school never were my friends because I realized they backstabbed me deliberately, only to ruin my happiness. I have to say I'm also quite a positive and peaceful person who doesn't get in trouble, but sometimes your "friends" have a problem with this (maybe because they secretly envy your happiness) and want to bring you down as well. The only thing they get out of this is feeding their ego and ire in life from innocent people. Today each time I see suspicious initial signs in new people I meet, I start setting a barrier between the two, and this has helped me with keeping only REAL friends in my life. Needless to say, whatever I went through has not ruined my smile and optimism in life. I make friends not to get something out of them but because it is fulfilling to have people who care for you and genuinely bring good to your life. I'm happy to see you are now living a peaceful life, you and everyone with faith in life deserve this :)
@@ramonvc260799 yep! it's unbelievable how these petty entitled ppl are often great at putting on rather normal-ish public face, but in reality they are the most entitled small minded, peevish psycho's imaginable! And after they're middle aged, they get diabolically worse! watch out! U have to be very disciplined to keen them at the right distance, which is often basically entirely away.
One of the most valuable things I've learned is that friendships take work. Reach out, make plans, remember what's going on with them, help them when they need it. I had to learn how to be a friend with the help of counseling. Who is ever taught that?
I'm usually the one that makes plans and keeps in touch, but as I got older (36) there are a few friends that reach out to me. I honestly think it's the ones that truly love you that will stick with you. It's almost like dating. If they truly care about you, they will reach out to you. If not, well, they may just be an acquaintance. It's hard to accept that, but as I got older, it's more of a reality. Friends come and go and some stay for the long haul. People who care about you truly want to know how you are doing, it's as simple as that. What's hard is when you truly care about a friend but they're not necessarily on the same level of friendship as you are - so then you move on.
I have no close friends, and am lonely. One thing that I think is a contributor is aging. The older you get and the more you experience, the less naïve you are as to the quality of the character of the people around you. 20 something years ago when I was in the service, I remember having very close friends. When I try to get to know them now, I think "why would I ever be a friend to this person? They lack so much integrity..." Personally, I've given up on trying, and just spend most of my time in nature. It may be lonely, but its not disappointing.
I completely understand where you are coming from. Something shifted in me during my 30's. I started to look at experiences with "close friends," at face value. Now, 41, I have pulled away from those who like you described, lacked notable integrity, and navigate acquaintances differently now. I'm more unapologetic about my beliefs in Christ, my desire to remain sober and not drink as most people my age do, for every situation it seems...I'm also very unapologetic about my quirks. I'm who I am. Not everyone will like me, and that is ok. I take the same opportunity to have a choice just like everyone else. Thing is...I think as we age, we either adopt the negative inner voice as truth, or we push it away and let God's idea of who we are become our truth. When that happens, people will naturally get weeded out. I find nature, specifically the mountains, and where I'm from, the evergreens, as a place of healing for me. As you stated, it never disappoints. Best Regards, Elaine
My sister and I grew up in the US. She moved back to Turkey as an adult. At first it took her a while to adjust to the fact that the friends she made there expected to talk to her for at least a few minutes almost every day. She thought it was intrusive and demanding at first. After 20 years she now thinks our lives in the US are too isolated and solitary. She has opened my eyes.
My best friend passed away last March suddenly and unexpectedly. I've never felt more lonely than I have in this past year and I've had the shitty realization that I'll have to endure this pain again throughout my life. It's gotten easier as time goes on but it's made me so aware of the impact he had on my life and the fact that I will never know another person like him or have a relationship as close or special as we did. I've had my closest friends since high school and losing one was a wake up call I didn't want but has certainly changed my perspective of life, for better and worse. Tell your friends you love them.
I am so sorry for your loss. I would say you were and still lucky to have such friend in your lifetime. Most people just phase through and just dire to connect with someone.the memories you are left with is the ones that will feel your heart with more love everytime you recall it. Yes we miss people when they leave and we can't help it. But having such bond with such a person makes you feel so loved and lucky.. Not many people have felt that.. you are lucky and say your gratitude & you never know when you will meet your best friend in another form on this earth.. sending you lots of love.. ❤ wish you find such a friend again in your life.. love and light..🎉
Oddly enough college was a time when I started enjoying solitude. I didn't make friends right away so many nights were spent skating around town alone, eating by myself, even going to bars alone. To this day I believe I tapped into a superpower, one that has served me well in middle age.
Going to the bar alone and making conversation with strangers is one of my favorite. I've decided to stop drinking however so now i've gotta find other places to meet people
Deep meaningful friendship is a wonderful thing, but I think I'm my worse enemy, whenever some hardship happens, crazy depression, leaving a great job due to career politics/drama, or even battling addiction. I feel like I need to escape to my safe room and put a barrier between myself and the outside world. It's almost like the Japanese pandemic of "hikkikamorie", I just ghost everyone and stay shut in my room. Like I'm broken and need to "fix" myself before I can be a friend or at least a good friend, but at the same time I think it's a cop out and I'm just fooling myself to give myself a reason to "escape".
I feel the same. It feels like something is broken inside of you, and you need to repair this little peace before you make contact with others, but to repair this peace you need people who support you, but how can you meet people, when you are not complete..and so on..its a cycle from hell..
I’m just about to turn 40 and I’m down to 1 friend and our contact is declining. I don’t know how to build friendships anymore. I’m lucky I have a partner, but beyond that I have no one else. Both parents have passed, I don’t really talk to my siblings. I have never verbalised to anyone how fearful I am of losing my partner because I would literally have no one left.
I think you are right losing a partner will make you very lonely I think it would be good to start culitativing more friendships ie find hobbies and do volunteer work, when we are 80 if we don't have family it will be much harder for us. I run a wellbeing group where we do puzzles and crafts and I expect i will do that until I drop dead with members leaving and dying but it will always continue.
Sometimes it’s fine and lovely to cultivate your own family. People throughout the ages have done it and lived happy, whole, and fulfilling lives. As previously suggested, why not consider some hobbies? Dance studios, art studios, book groups, religious groups, instrument groups, are some of the activities that usually have community and fellowship. And you have siblings! It may be awkward at first, but they are your family. I’d reckon there’s a possibility that they are also feeling like some contact with you would be nice. Don’t know your circumstances but generally siblings even if things get tough usually have good memories of their siblings! Give it a shot. God will reward you for having the faith and courage to do something about these feelings. Blessings.
I've gotta say that the biggest reason I've lost a lot of friends is because they can't be bothered to meet up. It can have been months, even years, I message them on social media or by text and they never seem to have any time, I set dates, organise things we can do (that they agree to) then get cancelled on a few days prior or even worse a few hours prior because they either "accidentally double booked" or "feel emotionally drained" and whilst both are fair enough reasons the friend never reschedules despite them being the one who cuts things off. When I DID try to reschedule it's just a bunch of excuses, so the golden ones are the ones who want to meet up and if someone starts showing symptoms of the above I find that it's kinder on my own emotions to burn the bridge or end the friendship. Absolutely sucks ass and the only people in pubs and bars are usually either there to get wankered or aren't exactly in my age range or the personality I want to hang out with, clubs are scarce and suffer from the same kind of lack of comittment. Young people treat the church like it's a plague and so on. Not impossible to make friends and keep them but this generation has it's unique difficulties.
I'm 16 and It's literally so hard to find the right friends these days. Like I am not the average person who scrolls on social media, addicted. Either ppl already have their friend group or doesn't want ro socialize.
I understand completely what you are talking about. 90 percent of the time I'm the one asking friends to hangout and do thinngs. After a while you give up and stop making the effort.
If a "friend" doesn't want to spend time with me, they're not a real friend. 🤷♂️ Friends are there for you and find the time to get together, no matter what. 😎👍
I think the worst physiological impact of not having friends is that the individual is perpetually in a 'fight or flight ' state of mind.. Because one can never let their guard down when walking around other people.. And that isn't good..
Precisely. For the same reason, one does not necessarily "need" friends. However, most would benefit from having one. So in a way, we need to seek communities but at the same time be able to look within to find peace.
The greatest gift my parents ever gave me is my little brother. Friends come and go, but family is forever. Whenever I needed a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to, he's always there.
My best friend was my brother, I really feel like if he wasn’t my brother in one way or another he would have been my best friend. He passed away 4 years at the age of 19. Since then I have felt numb, craving for a relationship like we had… it is impossible to recreate it. Miss him more everyday❤️😞
Frienship is interesting. Some things I have learned along the way: - Don't throw away friendships because pride or menial reasons. I have seen many friendships falls because of pety fights over fixable boundries or misunderstandings. - You need to let go of the idea that all frienships need to fufill the same rolls.. There are different people you meet for different reasons and forcing one to fufill the needs of another just sets you up for disappointment. IE, your work friends are different from your school friends who are different from that one friend you met at an event who are different from family friends and so forth. Once you separate that notion that all friends need to fufill the same needs, you'll start to create lasting relationships. I have friends that I enjoy going out to the club or eating at fancy dinners and have friends the love watching anime and building model figures. I don't expect the same things from both groups and I know what needs to be nurtured between both of them. - Be real and genuine and you'll attract the people you are meant to be with (or more so have an easier time finding the ones who really mean something to you). I cannot stress this one enough because if you are forcing yourself to get along with a person, you aren't doing you or the other person a favor and just creating more sadness and frustration for yourself. - But also, in this day and age where we have switched the extreme mentality of givign everything you have for a person/group to being self centered/"if its not what I want/want to do, I don't care", you need to put in the leg work and make sure you are contributing to building the relationship. A relationship doesnt work only one way and if the grounds are there to build the friendship, don't just sit on it. I have parted ways with friends who only would do things they want to do and not put any effort into realizing how I felt about things or doing things I wanted to do. I am glad I am letting go of those relationships but the truth is, this is the hardest part and probably the reason why a lot of people are losing friends. There's just no work being put in to do things that benefits both parties.
My personal experience is that I’m traumatized by friendships. All of the ex friendships I had were horrendously toxic. Those women were all varying degrees of narcissists who would eventually degrade me and make me feel bad about being myself. I was pressured by them to be like them or I was considered “weird”. There were two who took advantage of me (for my home and resources), one slept with both my ex-husband and my ex-boyfriend. There was one who talked about me behind my back to others. So, NO, I no longer want to “be friends” with anyone. I would rather live in peace and serenity on my own. I make myself happy and enjoy my accomplishments on my own just fine, thank you.
Whoa! That was a terrible thing to go through. I am sooooo sorry about that! I hope you are in a much better place now and truly happy finding your peace. ❤❤
As an empath with a long history of being used and abused, not just by friends but because it happened with family that made that happen with 'friends,' and co-workers, I'm thankful to say that trauma therapy and PTSD counseling is helping, along with my faith for endurance. We attract narcissists as empaths. So, you MUST go through healing because "our wounds are not our fault, but healing is our responsibility" and while I'm sorry to hear what happened and I have my own litany of pain and suffering, just don't forget to do the healing. I'd say I'm here for you (sometimes I want to start a support group for people like us but I'm tired of having to do it ALL, all the time. I'm disabled now and every one is gone since I didn't "heal" in their time, meanwhile, I helped every one else with the colds when I was dying..and when I was no longer of use? It's bad...screen addictions made it worse.
I agree. I’m not anti friend. I just made a decision after years of non friends that from then on I would only have friends that brought something good to my life. If they were neutral or negative I don’t need it. Haven’t had a friend since. I’m happier now by far.
Finding friends is easy, but maintaining a friendship is hard. It takes constant and active effort from both sides. Especially in today's dystopian world where you can't even meet someone outside without having to spend money, people need to constantly move because of work, etc. I consider myself lucky because: 1) my two closest friends are also my colleagues and we work in the same office room for nearly 10 years (we applied together) 2) we live in the same city so it's easy to visit each other's homes and hang out without spending money 3) we constantly discover new hobbies and interests together that we all like. This gives a huge advantage.
Yes I agree! Although I would say that "meeting people is easy, making (and keeping) friends is hard. A lot of the time we can't get past small talk or superficial interactions. For me at least, creating a connection that feels authentic can be a real challenge.
After getting betrayed by my "closest friends" time and time again, I don't know if I believe in true friendship anymore. I'm still holding onto hope but I don't want to get disappointed again.
Same here, I don't even think my best friend knows she betrayed me which says a lot about her morals. I think the more times you go through a betrayal like that, the less you'll want to try to find new friends again... I definitely have trust issues in regards to every single person nowadays :(
I’m in the same boat - a once very close longtime friend, I think because of envy (some people want what they don’t have and that was the case here from my perception of events) started betraying me in very passive-aggressive ways. I didn’t catch on at first to what he was doing but after a while it became obvious. It was very hurtful as well. I am now in the final stages of exiting from the friendship and want nothing to do with him any longer. But the fallout from this is that I am very leery about opening myself up to a potential new friend because of not just this one experience I just described but some others as well. In a way that’s too bad because I have probably shut the door on what might have been some very rewarding friendships. I know one thing for sure - it is a lot harder to make good friends as you get older. I remember when I was 10 years old I had to go to a different elementary school because the school boundaries changed. On the first day at my new school I walked on to the campus and saw a bunch of kids playing kickball before class. I just walked up to them and asked if I could play and they said “sure” and after 10-15 minutes I felt perfectly comfortable with all these new 10 year olds and made friends at this new school very easily. It sure isn’t that way anymore………..
If you don't match society's norms it can be hard to have a deep level of connection in a friendship. When that happens you would get more joy out of solitude.
Right. It feels like friendships these days carry a sense of transactionality. I find myself feeling like I have to be "interesting" or "entertaining" enough for people to want to spend time with me and make it worth their while. :/
I agree but at the same time the loneliness can be crippling at times. I'm deeply introverted and also jaded - relationship building as we age feels utterly transactional and shallow and frankly, doesn't seem to be worth the effort often times. Still, it gets lonely
m2 If the transactionality is so wrong, why won't you make friends with some unemployed illegal immigrants from Yemen or Somali? Give them a free accommodation at your area and some money just out of "friendship", and spend a weekend listening to their condescending stories about Allah. Oh, let me guess, this plan is not "interesting" or "entertaining" enough, huh?
Another thing that is not talked about is that it's hard to make friends as an adult with people that have lost their inner child. I try to cultivate the inner child i have left by learning new things/skills/hobbies to deal with the loneliness, but once you go out and meet people you definitely get the sense that some people are so miserable that they NEED social interaction and that can be uncomfortable. As an adult i finally understand the quote "misery seeks company" and its helped me avoid many emotionally unstable adults
Idk the way you say that feels a bit predestined/fated where people who have had the misfortune of inner child are just people who are miserable and you should avoid? I'm sorry but aren't ppl like that sometimes also mature, and experienced/wise? People who are just acting the same as in their 20s/teens and trying to maintain that, aren't 'better' friends. How does losing inner child mean emotionally unstable? That's very mean-spirited to say about other ppl. It sounds a bit like; 'Oh you go through trauma, ur just emotionally unstable, i don't want to risk being friends with you'. Maybe some, few, friendships are commitment and not just casual.
@@GuineaPigEveryday if your reference for your inner child is in your 20s/teens, then I’m sorry I don’t think you truly understand what having an inner child means or maybe you never cultivated one. I’m talking about about having child like wonder&zeal to do/learn anything you want to keep yourself occupied. That’s not something you experience in your 20s/teens. Those are the times when we’re peer pressured which causes us to lose that childlike innocence. So we’re talking about two different stages in someone’s life
@mericanmodi8479okay, what you said sounds pretty judgmental because you're drawing a conclusion about those who simply made the wrong decisions in life. You're saying that their poor decisions had "destroyed their inner child", therefore, you don't find them to be a "perfect fit" in society. I don't know if you're realizing what you're saying..
Or maybe help them? Surely they aren't so unbearable that it's impossible to hang out with them. Doesn't it make you feel good that hanging out with them makes them feel better?
I’m a 21 year old woman. Throughout my life I’ve had multiple close friends, but then the pandemic hit right when I graduated high school. Most of my friends moved away and we couldn’t graduate together or see each other in any meaningful way before we all moved apart. Then we all moved to different cities where we knew little to no one. I don’t have social media and people don’t stay in touch through messages or phone calls really anymore. Because of the pandemic I had to do my first 2 years of college online, which made it impossible to make any friends. Only “friends” I’ve made in this time are coworkers but those are more like acquaintances and because of long and opposite commutes it’s almost impossible to find time to hangout together outside of work. Plus most people, when they do have the time, would rather spend that with a romantic partner rather than a friend. Just kind of puts a lot of people my age in impossible situation. Most people my age historically make friends through college or going to party areas but people don’t do that stuff much anymore. The traditional 40 hr work week also makes it really difficult to find the time.. seriously on my 2 days off I have to do all my cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, errands, etc. and then squeeze any time I can into spending time with my boyfriend.. idk how people do it honestly. I still am relatively close with one friend I’ve been friends with since elementary but we live 40 minutes away and have opposite schedules. Usually only text her and can see each other maybe once a month if we are lucky and typically that means one of us has to call out of work. Just a struggle! When I first noticed I had little to no time with friends I honestly felt ashamed and thought it was because something was wrong with me.. now with time I’ve seen that I’m perfectly capable of making many friends, as I’ve done my entire life, it’s just most people rarely have the time anymore. It’s truly sad. Hopefully I escape this rat race soon, fingers crossed.
Emphasis on the 40 hr work week and commutes/no walkable communities making it impossible. And many people in their 20s don't have the money to spend time with their friends because nearly every way to spend time together costs money. We're going to have it to solve this together... but that means working with strangers since we don't have friends to collaborate with haha.
@@kalbsleber I am 36 and completely disagree. For the last two years I have been single and working in an office for the first time in my life and I have never been so lonely or desperate for company. And I do have friends. Capitalism is hell.
This is quite insightful. Regarding parents being busy with parenting, I would argue that many middle class parents live vicariously through their kids. Carting them all around for sports and other costly activities. They take photos, post them on their Facebook, gloat about their families, all while pretending things are perfect. You can't get close to people who want to put on an image of perfection, because they won't be vulnerable with you. Without vulnerability relationships will not grow beyond a certain point.
@@jlind3891 I feel like it's the opposite. I ditched one friend that became pregnant when we were 18. Super young, so we both didn't know how to handle the situation but the fact that I couldn't even talk to her on the phone for two consecutive minutes because her baby was interfering or that she was never available as a single human being, only with her +1. We were not able to hold a conversation, we were not able to do fun things, I just didn't see the point anymore. There is not much of a choice as a single parent and the first months are going to be tough either way. But at some point, parents have to enforce some boundaries so they get to partake in roles other than just being a mom/dad 24/7.
It's really a problem on two fronts. One, you got social media that encourages people to look as picture perfect as possible, and build a facade of themselves on sand. And the other is just this social stigma that you're some sort of social outcast when you have no close friends, even when you're just friendly to everyone, worst case scenario you'd be called the quiet kid in the class who has a gun in his bag or something.
The thing is there are people who make friends more easily than others because of their personality. This is amplified because of instagram. If we plus what you said, it's much easier to shut oneself in because the level of effort needed to reach the necessary threshold is higher than it used to be. And to be frank, even though instgram raised the bar on beauty and everything, people didn't really change. If anything, I feel like people are less attractive than they used to be. So it's way easier to prefer isolation for all those reasons. The standard went up but people actually in general got worse. And people don't have patience for anything these days but they work longer hours. No time, no energy, but higher standard (which is built on false notions) and most importantly no patience = no place for friendships = current situation
@@hahahahaha7824 I agree here. I really find it sad just how many high school teenagers-nearly-adults (17-ish) decide to get piercings for whatever reason they have when in reality, I'd probably like them far more if they were fully natural. I wish I could say "it's fine if you like yourself that way more", but I'd be a hypocrite since it's mixing my opinion with someone else's, the former of which is already negative. I think more applicable is "I respect your choice but it has consequences on the perceived attractiveness".
I'd like to add a possible other reason why friendship is more difficult than before: the hysterical political climate is dividing many people. Every topic that was trivial in the past is now a moral issue. It makes difficult to have friends and even to maintain family relationships.
I think it's good to admit you need friendship in your life. Yes, we need a friend or friends, but not just any "friend". We need quality friends. Friends who genuinely like us and not just what we can do for them. Friends who are emotionally available and not seeking free therapy sessions or a second parent. So, not just any "friend" will do. I'm hoping at some point I get the chance to connect with people on the same page. We all need healthy and genuine connection👍
very true, I do believe that a connection (even if not the exact one we want, and obviously not harmful), is better than no connection...and sometimes it takes time to build it into a quality one, any relationship is built and created together, I do believe we can create that intentionally too. I have had friends that initially were not the closest and now I call my close friends...I think openness to the ebb and flow and evolution of a friendship is important
Yes 1000% thank you for mentioning the second parent and free therapy session "friends" I had those friends and once I started placing boundaries they become so fake and mean toward me that I had to leave those friendships it's like they only wanted me so they could trauma dump instead of a real supportive friendship. I don't mind listening and helping people in crisis but I don't want an entire friendship to be me helping them out of crisis after crisis and it be so one sided that they can't even be bothered to celebrate my birthday or even ask how I am doing. It's almost better to be alone then have those friends because at least you don't have someone sucking the life out of you. I agree with what you said and I hope you have the chance to gain real and genuine connections with authentic friends on the same page as you.
Real friendship for me is, when you enjoy spending time together and talking about anything. With a good friend you never ran out of things to talk about. You feel detoxed and happier in general. Yes, you do things together, whatever your common interests are, but sometimes you go for a walk and that’s great (doesn’t cost $).
Absolutely agree! Just a simple walk or sit down talk with a java. I miss those days a lot. Seems everyone is 'too busy' in the rat race since pandemic and no time for a simple email or get together.
With a true friend, you don't have to 'do' anything. You can both be comfortable in the same room, one knitting, the other reading. Then one of you can start up a random convo, talk it out, and continue with your activity. You are comfortable in each other's company without constant need for validation.
I know I'm late but I want to say that reaching that level of friendship is something that requires a lot of time and effort. It's important to remember that friendships typically have to start at a basic level so don't expect that to happen quickly. Also maybe some people want to do more active things with friends and that's not enough for them.
In my late teens, I realized how important friendships are. I started investing a lot of time into my friends and I'm glad to say it got me a wife in my early 20s and I have a few very close friends. What we've learned from having a closely knit group is not only always having someone to talk to, help with your problems, play games with. But with our economy falling, we find a group of friends willing to live together, makes it incredibly affordable to live and thrive to live our dreams. The only sacrifice is space. Its cozy, but at least we don't have to work 60hrs a week for some corporation. We can work on what matters to us and as long as it makes even minimum wage is enough with all of us pitching in and taking care of each other
You are exactly why I don't have or want friends. Everything you mentioned screams "I need help with life". Sounds like you live in a old hippy commune.
That's definitely not for everyone. On one hand, it's really fun, especially when you're very young. But what about privacy, intimacy, etc? And everyone having different schedules. (I'm not judging in any way, just curious)
This isn't a bad idea when your young just make sure in all the fun and chaos you are establishing yourself in some way for yourself and a family while keeping the social circle.
In the last 10 years I've lost %90 of my 'friends'. Everyone claiming to be "too busy" to even engage in conversation or sometimes even to reply to text. Were more connected, yet, more isolated than any other time in modern history. The way I see it is this: If you're too busy to reply to an invitation, too busy to listen to a song, look at a picture etc- then I'm sorry but you are "poor". When the world is too busy to care, then we are losing community and all the benefits that come wit this. WhatsApp memes don't count as "connecting". We've been deliberately isolated under the guise of the "individual", while it is also important to develop the "self" it is also vital that we preserve "connection "
What do you think is the cause of the decline in friendships? How do you think we can address it (if we should)?
Corporations have won the battle of work/life balance. Let's start here.
It's not a 'friendship recession' - it's the way things are moving. Friendship is increasingly becoming a thing of the past - something for children to enjoy. Society is becoming more individualised, more atomised, more self-centred. It's not that anyone is consciously choosing this situation, but rather that it's part of the natural process of human evolution. The biggest driving force behind it is our inherent desire to be who we are as unique individuals. Our perception at least, is that other people rather tend to 'get in the way' of this crucial process of self development and self actualisation.
People don’t want to make the effort. They don’t value it anymore. They aren’t forced to go without face-to-face contact or to go without using a telephone to have an actual voice conversation. It’s a choice. People have chosen this. I was born in the 60s. I still get out there and really try. I reject plastic screens. I talk with people and attend in-person gatherings. I still don’t have any local close friends though. Sigh.
I think modern humans are just too overloaded and stressed. Every single day we are bombarded by existential threats thanks to a global information network that constantly vies for and distracts our attention. And then just the daily toil and grind of all the usual day to day responsibilities that just leaves very little time for anything, let alone developing friendships. We spend more time buried in our technology rather than being out and about building those real human physical connections. If just feels like life is going faster and faster and we are struggling to keep up with it. I don’t thinks humans were built to handle this level of current modern ‘overload’. It makes us want to run away and hide just from the sheer exhaustion of it all.
In my personal experience I found that firstly, cutting out all social media was the best way for me to dampen the noise. It allowed me to think more clearly and be able to distance myself from the people that really didn’t contribute positively to my life and thus growing and nurturing the friendships I already had. And secondly, I also went on a journey to find out who was the real me and that involved a good stint in therapy and that has allowed me to to open up in ways I didn’t know possible, thus deepening my friendships even further. People want to feel seen, loved, cherished and heard and that starts with being vulnerable with them which is something I had to learn, the hard way. That for me has been the key to extremely happy and satisfying relationships.
Envy?
It’s not a decline in friendship, it’s the monetization of our friendships. You can meet at restaurants and cafes, you can rent tennis courts, pay green fees, pay gym fees, etc It’s actually hard to get together without spending money. Our culture has made everything transactional.
I'm going to agree
How about hiking on a nature trail together, or walking around the neighborhood, or getting together and doing a sketch together, or an art project, or making a silly parody video together, or go for a run, explore a new area, or free library presentations, or walking some dogs at a local animal shelter, (or volunteering in other places) I think brainstorming some ideas together would help.
@@Julia-b9x in my area, you have to have a license to hike on trails. Also, the area is dangerous to just randomly walk or go to a park. Go to a park and there is violent homeless people with needles laying around. The library is starting to charge for everything and you get 1 hour of computer time.
So yeah, what’s left is going house to house. But a lot of us do not own a house. It’s apartment. You are penalized for having too many people over and people can easily report you for noise complaints. They do have social areas where it is upto $100 a day.
In my opinion, internet plays a huge role cause I've observed and experienced this both. It's easy asf to form any community on the internet. Imma use a very cringe example for it like "Sigma community". It started as a meme and a satire joke but now some boys have taken it too literally. Acting all mysterious and sht thinking they are cool. Then we also keep getting icons like Andrew tate who have hijacked minds of insecured men to an extreme level under the label of men improvement. Hustle culture, grindset, etc have made people to isolate themselves and for the goal of making money. Cause then you'll have powerful friends or whatever.
Another aspect of internet is platforms like tiktok which have single handedly reduced the attention span of people down to seconds. People can't even hold a conversation for a decent amount of time. If two people are talking and one of them gets a phone call, the other one immediately takes out there phone or else they start fidgeting.
Another major reason is modern feminism and their pushed narrative which have gone too woke now. Anything they don't agree with gets cancelled and further divides people.
Another one is social media influencers as well, cause they somehow always end up on your algorithm and ruin your mood. The way they show how much they are living their life and the viewers subconsciously compare their lives and think they are doing something wrong with their life.
The definition of success is not just monetary anymore but also associated with fame now. Which could also mean that people don't want relations anymore but admirers and followers.
Why not meet up in home? I regularly meet with my best friends and family to play video games, tabletop games, watch tv shows etc.
A mentor of mine, who was a psychologist for over 50-years once said to me, "If you have one true friend, you are luckier than most people."
I heard one similar 'If you can count your friends on more than 1 hand, then count them again'.
That is true and that takes time and effort. Some friendship can also fracture over time and people grow apart.
This is what my psychologist also said! 😅
So true.
Yes, true. Sadly most of today's modern day psychologists & therapists are rather inept and instead of providing actual therapy based on accurate grasps of people, society, family dynamics, the roles they play, etc. they are like hawks looking for a diagnosis to jump on to validate what they do, usually inaccurately.
What's said in this video makes SO much sense. Also IMO a factor is in the USA we live in a hyper competitive, superficial and toxic capitalistic society. People easily get jealous of each other and that seems to me to be a big impetus to true authentic friendships.
Isn’t it amazing how “social” media, instead of connecting us, has become a barrier to real life and real relationships?
This has been my realization recently. I could try so incredibly hard to be supportive to others online and they treat me like a weird fan... they're weird for being friends with me online & acting like I'm the weird one for interacting. When people 30+ yrs old are sharing meme statuses "keep stalking my page hun" it's actually kind of disturbing so I started cleaning out my friends list. No need to just be another number to some people. It's pretty sad I treated them with much more respect than that though. Social media has become such a joke to me and most people legitimately only have friends and followers on there so that they can judge them.. no thanks from me!
Edit - and the amount of people that act cold or unbothered if you end up msging them- its gross the amount of people who have left me on read like the interaction wasn't even worth a reply just this year alone. I've stopped reaching out to most people too.
Because social media gives the illusion that it can replicate genuine human connection. It’s a facade that was marketed to us to believe it would improve our lives
@dextermorgan4490 fb is so toxic so I totally get why you feel that way!
Deleted it 3 months ago and never looked back. Inspired my friend and boyfriend to go on it way less too just by leading by example
Yh man i feel you, I hate social media
I went to dinner with a group of “friends” recently. Expecting a fun evening with good conversation I was subjected to five people scrolling through their phones complaining about people’s posts. On my way home I realized I would have had a more fulfilling night staying in watching CSI re runs.
That's brutal, lol. And I totally get it.
They were not the right people :/
Next time, get a phone bucket.
I was invited to a Barbecue, so I deliberately left my phone at home. Well, suffice to say, the men were in a group talking, laughing and drinking, while the women were all glued to their phones. I tried complimenting a guest on her outfit, I ask a pregnant woman about her baby, she gave me a two word answer. Talk about feeling out of place..😢
@@Rozumarix I actually think that certain invites are ways to fill up space, so it looks like a lot of people attended. I wish I’d stayed home with a book.
To utter "I need a friend" is very hard because it implies that the person is not loveable. What a life to live in.
Yeah...
I used to dream of going back home with friends like walking the same way after school and all, it does geniunely feel heartwarming
Just be trash together
@@miketllz being trash together is kinda beautiful maybe even sad i don’t know.
I think almost no one would like to hear "I need a friend" because it implies that anyone would work.
You can express instead "I would like you in particular to be my friend, because you matter to me more than most people and I want to deepen this relationship further".
One important ingredient you need to develop good and meaningful friendships is time. In today's world, I feel like our available hours in each day to foster friendships have diminished significantly. We work two jobs, we spend hours in traffic, we put in overtime at work, we have aging parents to care for who are living longer, etc. Then, with the free time we do have, we have to prioritize with family, spouses, kids, pets, etc. Everyone says “you have to make the time” but a pie can only be cut so many times.
So true
It's like the powerful are slowly building this system in society that just keeps us running like rats on a wheel. Squeezing our time and money out of us.
Wow, none of those things apply to me lol
"but a pie can only be cut so many times." is such a powerful phrase. I'm saving this.
Yes, this is a conspicuous omission from the video. You are describing "time poverty," which is a major issue in America these days at least.
This is because we romanticize romantic love as the highest form of relationship.
Like, you cannot act intimately with someone, such as supporting each other, hugging each other, just being together always, without people thinking that you are somewhat involved romantically.
And then, when one friend gets a romantic partner, they tend to forgo their other relationships, and outcast people who aren't partnered.
Also it is considered typical to tell someone you'd like to date them, but not to tell them you'd like to be friends or ask them to hangout in a platonic way.
I agree here. I've seen it happen so often and it makes it seem like a relationship is all there can be.
Isn’t the only real difference between close friendship and romantic relationship sex?
@@spaceowl5957 Not necessarily. Some people have 'romantic' feelings toward others, but aren't interested in being friends in the wider sense of friendship - they just want to do 'romantic' things with the person.
Equally, not every romantic relationship ends arrives at sex.
Plus, a lot of friendships (depending on culture) don't include a lot of non-sexual physical touch like holding hands or cuddling.
Do we? Because romantic relationships and marriage are all becoming a second alternative.
It's hard to maintain friendships over text messaging, for people of all ages. It's also hard to get people to commit to getting together in real life. People are too tired, they cancel, they leave you on read. It's very disheartening. When I was young we put in the effort to call, to meet up, to listen, not only 1:1 but also in groups. What a sad place we are at.
Completely agree!
yeah but that also means it's time to find new friends and maybe types of personalities which are differnt from those who became 'too tired' and who cancelled a lot, etc. Btw, what is "leave you on read" ?
@@18_rabbit "leave you on read" just means they've seen your message but never replied.
@@18_rabbit "leave you on read" means when someone sends you a message on WhatsApp, for example, you read the message but do not respond. Now the sender knows you have read the message and might be craving for a response or some sort of validation from you but you intentionally ignore or care not to respond.
@@18_rabbit “Leave on read” is another word for not reply/ignore.
I have a good friend from Northern Iraq, Kurdistan. He told me his grandfather has met up with his best friend for tea and conversation every single day for almost his entire life. When my friend moved to Canada, he was struck by how intensely lonely and solitary our culture is. Interesting that this video didn't get into the cultural differences on this topic.
I find these videos generally seem to be very American-focused in the studies they cite and seem to work on the assumption that the entire world is basically living essentially the same brand of homogenous globalised western capitalism.
as a Brazilian living in Europe I have to say that your friend is totally right. In my culture everybody has friends. I feel agonizingly lonely here.
@@ravecrab capitalism, whether free and out in the open or controlled tightly by the government, is the global economic paradigm. make no mistake about that.
@@ravecrab You're making a classic western-centric mistake as well which is conflating western traits with capitalism and globalization. India and Iran (Persia) are the basis for most of the globalized capitalism that you see today. Capitalism is not some western idea coupled with other western ideas disseminated through the world via colonialism. India for example, is classically non-individualistic and yet is historically one of the most capitalistic societies (although of course we've seen it range from socialism to social capitalism to pure free market capitalism).
Your statement would be much more accurate if you simply kept it to an observation on the hyper-individualism of American society.
Heavily agree with your core point though.
One of my friend from high school moved to Canada for a couple of years and then left because she couldn’t from true genuine bond there. The only friends she made were from other cultures, not Canadian. As someone who has lived in Latin America and who’s been several times in the US and Canada( I have family there) I noticed it is and american( the continent) thing in general. It is super lonely there but everybody act like they are friends… I left( I am european)
I'm 27 and I'm pretty much friendless. I stopped being friends with my friends when I realized they didn't care about me, they wouldn't help me like I helped them when they need someone. I get lonely all the time but as I get older I just sort of accept that this is my life and it's okay to not have anyone, though deep down I know how wrong I am. Everybody needs a shoulder to lean on.
Unmatched efforts always hurt ....but that's just how most people are nowadays .
@@janwriter-q9q so true I ended a 9 yr friendship a year ago that became one-sided-me making all the effort and she only being interested in me when she needed something.
@@shelleycharlesworth5177 wow ..9yrs is a long time ..I think we don't prioritize the most important aspects of a friendship which turns it into a " give and take" kinda situation .most people are there because they get something out of it .I have had one close friend in my life but the friendship ended. I feel like I have already experienced what true friendship is so am always afraid of getting to know someone coz they intentions might be different from mine .
@@shelleycharlesworth5177 i broke up with my boyfriend for similar reasons. He had a huge mental crisis several years ago and I did my best to support him through it even when he was unpleasant or difficult to be around, even a couple times he was flat out mean to me. I started to go through a nervous breakdown like 1.5 years ago and he acted like it was an inconvenience. I didn't even want to be around him anymore he only made me feel bad. After years and years of me bending over backward to the best of my ability to support him and try to make sure he had what he needed. I know I didn't totally succeed but I tried every single day. Then when I needed HIM he withdrew until the topic changed. At best
You're going to be OK. Just decide for yourself what you want in life and pursue those interests. You're going to be much happier. I'm 72 and have relinquished manympst old friends because we chose different paths. Some were critical of me. Some were simply jealous. Some were hateful and nasty. It's OK. Life is good. Life is sweet.
Also, friendship has been treated as a second class relationship. Look at all our books, movies, tv shows, etc. It's all one big push for romantic relationships, in whatever form they may be. You hardly ever see a solid friendship put forward as important or needed. If you have people who are friends there is always a push to make them a romantic couple.
That's very true. Even when they didn't start romantic, they would become romantic later in the story. Random example, but that's why, as a kid, I didn't like the later Harry Potter books as much. My favourite part was the friendship between the 3 main characters. I didn't like that Hermione had to end up with either Ron or Harry, I wish they could just end up with random people outside of their friendship (Harry also ends up with Ron's sister, which is also basically keeping it in the family lol)
@@rowenla Look at the number of people who raged that Harry should have ended up with Hermione because they were "so close. Closer than she and Ron." because you can't be friends and be close without romantic attachments. Look at Benson and Stabler from SVU. They've killed off Stabler's wife in the L&O franchise and I'm willing to bet in the end those two end up together. Because how dare they be close and not have a romantic relationship. Star Wars: Poe and Finn can't be friends, they MUST be gay for each other because they are close friends and worry about each other..... the list goes on.
Friendships have no weight or priority in all the things that are thrown at us. That our kids see. It's sad really.
One of my friends got a boyfriend and since that point ive barely spoken to her, not my choice ive tried to get her on gta or at least on playstation in general, she just wont. She literally once said she would stop talking to me and a few other guys when she got a boyfriend cause “it would be weird”. Apparently you cant have friends of the opposite sex nowadays and ive known her since kindergarten
And yet romanticism is dead in america, so you're going to have to try harder to explain what is going on here than this drivel.
@@peabrain6872 sounds like she's only out to look after herself.. typical and predictable
I think one overlooked reason in the decrease of friendships might also be the current car-centric urban planning, which inevitably makes meeting people more difficult/more of a hassle, since working 8h+ a day plus a couple hours commute leaves little time and energy to make plans with acquaintances. Implementing dense urban areas which are centered around the people would create friendships just by the nature of its design.
very true
That would mean South Korea and Japan would have a greater number of people that have friends. It's more so to do with people not making enough to live comfortably that makes it so much harder.
That only resolves part of the issue. The other is going to be the work culture. In East Asian countries where workers are working 9-12 hours a day in the office + on weekends, its very hard to meet people because they are stuck in the office with their co-workers and their co-workers are the only people they hang out with. Another part of it is that personal devices have made it harder to physically interact with people as they are always on their smartphones/laptops etc.
Completely agree. I actually live in the same apartment building as my best friend (been friends for 10 years) and proximity is a huge reason we hang out. My other friends live in different cities so I rarely see them
I would disagree the boomers and gen x'ers experienced that car centric urban planning and made it into a social setting. Going on cruises with their friends and aimlessly driving for hours meeting up with random people on the strip. Yet, no one does that stuff anymore and these spaces are like you said are bad. But, there is nuance and they used to be a social avenue.
I very rarely felt equality in friendships. Often I felt like I was only there to sit and listen. I learned the hard way when my dad died and all my friends ditched me, even though I apologized to them for not spending as much time with them as before. They still ditched me. It's difficult to still hold hope for genuine friendships after that experience.
Most people are like this. And if you are a sensitive non judgemental person, you’ll attract these types who only wish to use you as a wall to talk to. You’re far better off in solitude than with these leeches. Their idea of friendship is what they can suck from you not about learning you and loving you.
Yup they used me to be their free therapist
So, talking as a therapist, you may want to consider your own role in this problem. Friendship usually requires a reciprocity in vulnerability. If someone just listens it’s harder to connect to that person because you don’t know them. But the person listening thinks they are doing a good job because they are there for you! But what is required for friendship to flourish is shared intimacy and vulnerability. So not only being there for someone else, but allowing the other person to be there for you by also sharing more intimate things yourself.
@@VeniVinnieVici so what?? what when you talk and the other person does not care and talks all over you again, what are you supposed to do? scream at them hello i am a human being, listen to me too once please? you therapists act like gods that know all better, newsflash - - you dont
Then those were not friends. Those were people who only wanted to be entertained by you.
"I need a friend," is maybe one of the hardest sentences that any human being can utter 😭😢🥺
I feel pathetic saying it
I need a friend 🥲🥲
@@systemofadown945 i will be your friend
I recently made a friend but he is not very active person i live far away from home coz of uni and here i feel very lonely even there are lots of people sorrounding me
@Lebo Mellow i understand i just wish it happened organically in my life, idk
It somehow feels easier to make friends when you already have friends. When you do have the support and blessing of already have friends, it's easier to feel relaxed and confident socially. Being lonely sucks and it can be really hard to break out of
i feel you...
So how do you get those friends in the first place?
@@jaybird0312 He probably got those friends from his childhood or as a teenager, where the social environment is different (much easier and simpler) than in adulthood.
I had this realisation recently too. People tend to want to be friends with those who don't need them. To actually need friends is seen as being 'needy' which is considered a dreadful affliction to most people. I think it's because people might want to enjoy your company, but not be under any sort of obligation or pressure to help if you actually need help. Which isn't very nice but it does seem to be true of a lot of people.
I find that people who already have a core group of supportive friends, they’re not outwardly seeking other friends so if you’re just a lone wolf out there, it’s almost like you have to find another loner too..no one wants to invite you into their circle from my experiences..maybe I’m completely wrong though..it’s tiresome meeting unfriendly standoffish people tbh
I lost myself in my last relationship and lost all my friends during this period. I've now realized a bit too late that a real friend is worth so much more than a lover.
Better late than never. And I hope more people can start to realize that, too.
I've had a lot of friends as a kid but having friends is quite honestly pointless if they're the kind of people who make you feel lonely. Ironically, I've never felt lonelier than when I was with other people.
So true!
Sometimes that is so true. I feel that way about my own family. I never feel lonelier than when I'm with my family. Sure, they feel familiar, but they're empty, gossipy, pathological narcissists except for one sister.
@@le_th_ those are many bad terms and not a single good one or an understanding that people have its flaws and such.
have you considered that you might be like them to some extent?, after all, they're your inmediate enviroment and role model for relationships and human behaviour
some instrospection wouldn't hurt
Then they weren't friends.
@@davidmorgan6896 Exactly!!
We’re seriously living in an awful dystopia. So many people are broke from living paycheck to paycheck in survival mode because they’re not paid adequate wages, are friendless, and can’t find a meaningful romantic relationship or even a date.
Part of this is the rise in narcissism and transactional nature of society. A lot of people are also paralyzed from trauma, which stunts their ability to interact and relate.
It doesn’t feel like much is being done about these issues.
This is unerringly accurate & it’s so far gone it’s irretrievable
Everything is commodity these days an I fucking hate it.
@@jazzfan67 If you’re thinking of taking your own life, please don’t. You are loved and important. Talk to me if you need to. If it’s a terminal illness, still know you are loved and I wish you well.
@@badbabybear1you are so lovely.
I understand him, when you see the rise of AI technologies and the alarming future, it's like seeing the death of all important human connections.
I don't live in a dystopia. You clowns sure do.
A few years ago one of my oldest friends lost his job after coming down with heart failure. He spent a long, painful time recovering, and during all that time almost all of his other "friends" stopped contacting him or answering his calls. I was one of the only friends of his who tried to support him through that time. Honestly it seems as if most people nowadays just like friendship as a concept, but retreat anytime the need to act like a real friend shows up.
Basically sadly
Thats how I feel and that’s why I don’t care about friendship anymore. I know for sure that none of my friends would visit me in the hospital. No one would life a finger for me in times of need. And I see other people who have so called good fiends and none of their friends are there in times of trouble either. There has be genuine platonic love for friendship to be possible I suspect and I think that’s hard to find.
it's called being an acquaintance.
i met many people in England who'd rather call someone a friend than an acquaintance. they don't get to concept.
It's a stupid movie line but it stuck with me. "Friendship means little when it's convenient." And I'm blessed to have 2 friends that have not just stuck with me but enjoy my company for 5 years going.
I call these fairweatherers. They never want to be caught up in anything serious because it brings them down. I notice this in a lot of my so called friends. I'm struggling with a bad hand with health issues and lack of help for childcare and all of a sudden all these helpful friends scatter like roaches when I'm begging for someone to watch my daughter so I can go to a doctor appointment.
I know many Millennials and Gen-Z find it hard to make friends and suffer from incredible loneliness. The internet and social media have made talking a lost art. I can remember the days before the internet where people actually sat for hours and had deep conversations. They also did in person activities together. True friendships are maintained by doing things together and giving up your precious gift of time. The internet has killed off a lot of it
I'm a younger millenial and have no idea how you come to the conclusion that people don't spend time together anymore? It is still the primary way to get people's social needs met. I haven't met a single person who is not interested in having long talks and doing fun stuff together. Maybe not every day or every week if they are an introvert but still.
@mericanmodi8479 I mean, I don't know where you live so maybe we're both right. In Europe, people are not (yet?) THAT addicted and glued to their phones.
@mericanmodi8479 Sure dude, if you say so...
Even before social media, I had problem making close friends because of my autism (yes, I'm a high functioning person on the spectrum), and it doesn't help that back in the 90's and early 2000's, autism wasn't really understood and also mental health was still stigmatized. Because of my autism, I have to go to 3 elementary schools and I didn't have any "normal" close friends that weren't autistic. So I had problem trying to socialize, or learning how to make friends with people that are normal/neurotypical through even before social media and text messaging.
We don't know how bad the friendship recession and loneliness epidemic happened in pre-social media era in the 90's and early 2000's. But given that mental health was stigmatized and autism wasn't well-understood like compared to today, it's possible it could've been bad back then for some people that had trouble making friends. We don't know how many people may have suffered from friendship recession and loneliness epidemic in silence back in the 90's and early 2000's. But I'm the evidence of suffering from loneliness in silence (I didn't fully understood loneliness back then like I do now).
I think everyone should have an in-person D&D group. Or whatever tabletop RPG they want to play. In my experience it's the ultimate social activity for lonely people who want friends, and I highly recommend it.
I recently had a phone call with an old coworker of mine after not working there for a year. I thought it was so nice that she reached out to me and I was excited to have possibly made a new friend. We talked for about 25 minutes before she asked me to pay a bill of $450 for her. Turns out I wasn't making a new friend, I was being buttered up to be used for money. Honestly made me feel so violated. I haven't given up hope though, I have joined FB groups and am meeting new people.
That is insane. I have a neighbour that does that. He comes over to tell me how much he has made from phone calls to people he knows.
Damn, that does suck when you think someone just wants to catch up but they have an alternative motive. I’m confident you will find better people soon
I also had a similar experience ...
An old colleague suddenly reached out to me, supposedly to say hi.
In the course of the small talk, it turns out she was actually scheming to recruit me into some pyramid scheme 🙄
She never called back because I declined!
Wow! That's cold.
That's crazy
I find it really embarrassing to admit that I don’t have any friends and I’m lonely. I used to have a huge group of friends as a teenager but over time they’ve all moved away or we’ve lost touch. I thought I had a few good friends pre-pandemic, but when I split with my partner I found out they were actually his friends, and I’ve not heard from them since (2 years ago). Worked hard on picking myself back up and made 2 new friends and they’ve just told me they’re moving away in a year so I’m back to zero.
I know it will seem weird and out of the blue, specially from an stranger online, but I wouldnt mind being your friend even in an online setting or just having a pair of ears to hear and listen to you with any worries or topic you would like to discuss.
Maybe social media its driving us apart more and more plus making us feel lonelier than ever, but im more on the side that is only a tool and we give it the use best suited for us, and making friends or keeping that connection when further apart is the best thing about it.
I’m in the same boat. I know exactly how you feel.
I've had the same experience as you. I never had any problems with making and keeping friends until I've finished uni and started working.
It's very comforting to hear that we're not alone with this problem even though it of course doesn't solve it.
you cant maintain long distance friendships?
I think we're in the same situation, a lot of us share that. So don't feel lonely in that sense
Admitting IM LONELY to ANYONE as an adult past puberty is the hardest thing to do. It's the most vulnerable feeling ever.
It's interesting how so many of us feel alone but can't seem to find each other.
@@notaburneraccount Have you tried talking to the average lonely person? It's like they don't even want friends to begin with. One word replies to open questions and replying "ok" to something you said about your life has been my experience with this kind of person.
@@pretzelboi64 I think you end up developing this kind of personality to protect yourself from your loneliness but is also keeps people away :/
I'm gonna disagree and say being starved and homeless is a more vulnerable feeling than not having friends.
Why don't you all just talk to each other then? Like beyond now?
One thing I’ve noticed as an adult is that many friendships fall apart when one of them starts dating / gets married. Their world revolves around their partner now, so they have a lot less time for you and you’ll be alone. It’s hard to become friends with a mother / wife because their entire world is their children and marriage. They don’t care or have time for friendships.
Because people are not marrying for agape love, but for trauma bonding co-depedencies. They have their fuel..... so you're gone. Truth. Internet and anti-social media addictions too.
@@amandak.4246Agh. I hate when people say stuff like this. The person’s partner is not their friend. They just co-opted the role because of the lack of actual friendship in their lives.
YES. I had a friend who had a girlfriend then broke up (not surprised), then he wanted to hang out with me more.
@@life4trinitywhat did you do?
I became closer to my brother when he got married. I didn't have a problem maintaining friendships when I had a partner. My mom and dad went out with their own set of friends separately, sometimes together. What goes on with those friends who change after marriage? I don't get it.
I'm 47 years old and I basically have no friends. My best friend died a few years ago, and a part of me went with her. Even though I'm open to making new friends, I feel it is difficult to do so, as everyone seems to have their own clique and are not interested in new friends. I do have friends, but most of them are married, and honestly, I can't relate and I do feel like an outsider. Friendship costs time, energy and money, and some people don't want to be friends unless I'm willing to spend money on lunch, coffee, etc. I really miss you Michelle, no one loved and cared for me like you did. You were genuine, unbelievably kind and compassionate, non judgemental, smart, funny, so accepting and understanding. Your last words to me were I love you. I do need friends, and I hope to find ones as great as you my Seashell. Mermaids together forever, I love you ♥️😭♥️
Hey, I also lost my best friend. I'm 28, she was gonna be 31 this year but she committed suicide last August... And I'm like you, open to make new friends but that hole can never be filled again because no one is her. Im constantly thinking that I could send her a message to see her, or that she'd be there for me with some health related stuff but she's gone forever and it's so hard. I know I'm just a stranger on the internet but I empathize and I send love. Many people don't know how horrible it is to lose your best friend...
@@Tzinacacihuatl I am sorry for your loss *hugs* The emotions must still be very raw for you, and thinking about what you are going through brings tears to my eyes. I never thought I would lose my best friend, at least not so soon. 6 years later, and I still cry sometimes when thinking about her. I am hopeful that I will find people that I can call good friends, because if my best friend loved me, then there must be something good about me and that I'm worthy of friendship and love. I still send her messages on social media, knowing that there would be no reply. I hope you are getting the support you need from your loved ones during this period of mourning. It will get easier and the tears will be less and less, but a little bit of sadness and emptiness will always be in your heart. Thank you for your kind words, as they give me some comfort. I wish you love, peace, strength and healing ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
@@hayatie that but about if they loved us we must be worth loving just want to deep into me I want to cry 😭 I send her memes, too, I imagine she sees them in the afterlife and laughs... Right now I'm mostly numb but the first months were hell on earth.. it's pretty lonesome because I don't really have other friends and I live alone but what you said really makes me hopeful that some day someone will love me as a friend again 🥹
@@Tzinacacihuatl I do believe that our friends are still with us, listening to us, watching us, still loving us. I get what you mean by the numbness; no feelings, neither happy or sad, just existing throughout the day, wishing to go back to sleep again, so that I could forget reality for awhile. I don't know you, but I know you are worthy of love and all of the good things in the world. If you need to unburden and talk, I am here to listen, I mean it 🌹💐 🌷
Sorry about your friend😢 I felling exactly like you. I miss people in my life but seems nobody really want to be friend anymore.
I was going through some old boxes in my basement and found countless letters that my mom received from her friends and ex-boyfriends in the 70s and 80s. Every letter was penned with such loving care, some included photos and elaborate doodles/art. Others recounted earlier memories of fun times gone past. At Christmas last year, my dad and his cousins recalled all the trouble and adventures they hadas teenagers/young adults. Whenever I get together with my cousins, everyone is staring at their phones. I couldn't figure out why I felt monrose until I realized that I have neither the volume nor (most importantly) quality of friends that my parents had at my age. I don't have the fun recollections of going on adventures or getting in trouble with my buddies. My life in comparison has been pretty stale. It's not for lack of trying, I've put myself out there and tried to make friends. I have found that most people that you meet in life are going to be neutral towards you. Many will only be interested in what you can do for them. It gets very draining. I am very thankful to have a few close friends, but truthfully I have found better connection with animals and nature.
@@elinope4745 very sound advice. and it's not just friendship. Capitalism works that way too.
@@elinope4745 Thank you. I work (and also volunteer) for a non-profit and love that I get to help people for a living. This fills my heart and soul. I have decided to make the best of the times I'm living in and try to make a small difference while I'm here.
@@nadineskye7050 try expanding on your hobbies. Lots of groups out there, and you may meet a kindred friend this way. When I was your age, yes, we didn’t have cell phones, so from childhood to college, I was into ballet, music, quilting, cooking, reading(bookstores)with friends. Had one who loved spooky places so we went to a “haunted” area. 😂 Today it just takes more creative ways to get out there and meet others because everyone is in front of their phones. But you can be the change that others will flock too, don’t give up.❤
You made quite some complains but I would ask how much did you do to anyone without being only interested in what they can do for you?
As i noticed women very very rarely care about anything but themselves but they want other people to care about them for unknown reasons
You put everything I feel into words...
I’d love to have more friends but I just don’t think our society is built to encourage friendships. With the number of hours we spend at work, we already struggle with personal obligations like chores, errands, childrearing, etc. With what free time can we devote to creating and maintaining friendships? We’re all so busy trying to survive.
And on a personal note, it’s tough to find friends who are decent human beings. I feel like the population is fraught with people with personality disorders, narcissism, etc. Not everyone is capable of being a good friend and I’d go so far as to say that finding a truly good unproblematic friend is rarer than the opposite.
I used to be a wildly social extrovert with a massive friend group throughout all my school years and 20s. There wasn't a person I wouldn't chat up and make friends with. Heading into my 30s, many friends started moving away or having kids (which I have not). Add to that the pandemic which further drove everyone apart and feels like the ultimate nail in the friendship coffin.
Fortunately I still keep in touch with a handful of old friends, but it's a lot more surface-level (sending each other occasional memes/articles/videos, but nothing in the way of deep conversation like we used to have). Now that I'm nearly 40, it's quite hard to make new friends, and I've grown increasingly introverted. Not in the least bit shy, though- big distinction there. I can still chat up total strangers with ease and confidence. It's just that I don't really care to anymore. And when I do, it feels brief and superficial, and I almost always would rather be at home doing my own thing, working on personal projects or almost anything else. The idea of going to lots of parties and meeting new people used to thrill me a decade ago, but now that sounds boring, exhausting, and totally draining.
But at the same time, I enjoy my time alone. I never would've thought as an extrovert growing up that I could become a total introvert. I think in many ways I kind of burned myself out from the first few decades of non-stop socializing, and have finally found myself in all of it - and turns out I actually enjoy just doing my own thing. I do love seeing old friends, though, it's just not the way it used to be.
This is also me to the T
How interesting. Our stories are slot alike and so are our ages (starting to think theres something to that). The sharp part of the turn for me happened during the pandemic like it did for alot of people. But I just happen to be at the age (mid 30s) where the process of making new friends has mostly transitioned out of the natural ways of our younger lives and just doesn't occur much on it's own anymore and being deliberate about it is a strange, new and unexplored concept I've never considered and don't know how genuinely optimistic I am about it now.
In 2019 I had a pretty fully equipped social life that was effectively treating certain needs that at long points in earlier life I barely had or lacked entirely. Alot of mental and emotional negativety had been inflicted on me throughout those periods and certainly turned into issues and hangups I reluctantly carried with me through college and deep into my 20s. By the end of my 20s andentering my 30s I would out it simply by day saying things had started working for me, well enough. I had finally gotten to a point where I was secure enough not to think I would ever lose the basic structure of this social web I got used to enough to take for granted.
Between family deaths and friend deaths, massive friend migrations to other states and countries, friends getting married and starting families, mental health issues provoked by quarantine, or just people who got lazy or anti-social after a year of being locked inside away from people..........my socal life just deteriorated into resembling, frighteningly, my lonely teenager life when I was homeschooled for half of highschool and the few friends I had basically vanished from my life. I was intensely lonely for years and couldn't see a way to hsving anything I wished to have with other people. I feel more like that lonely depressed teenage me than the 2019 me. How the hell did that happen?
Now, in my late 30s, this long after quarantine, I still find myself with an empty social life the same way I found myself demolished with an empty social life last year. Connection, meaning, support, company, sense of being loved etc. It's been robbed from me. I never wanted this to be what my final 30s years would be like and here I am. This is much more difficult to fix at this point than it was when I was in my early 20s.
I think this happens to everyone in varying degrees. I'm 31 years old and it has been months since I met my close friends. Even on whatsapp group we just share funny stuffs once in a while. . Thankfully I'm married so my wife is now my friend. lol
dam bro are you me lol
Meaningful conversations after 40 year old? I doubt it. Other than with women.
I'm 43. Had a healthy amount of friendship in my youth. But since university, I can count the new friends I've made on the fingers of one hand, despite being very active in all kinds of teams inside and outside work. Sadly most of my school/uni era friends became tossers, or I lost touch with them, or we're still in touch but l'm lucky if I see them once every few years. Might as well face it, people aim to settle down with a partner because the overwhelmingly likely alternative in the modern world is chronic loneliness. But romantic relationships are also now going the way of the dodo......
Hahahah. As you get older- its even worse. Watching videos becomes the funnest thing ever...hahahaha. seriously. 🫗
@@alilamar879 British slang for an obnoxious person.
Yup. I’m married happily but living in Eastern Idaho has been very isolating for our family. We plan to move back to the west coast asap..
I think Satan is allowed to make us lonely nowadays.
I saw a man have 50 cats so he is not lonely. I call him the cat man.
So sad and true, I've tried many years now to make friends, but I find little reciprocation, so I'm just learning to accept my situation for what it is.
Me too, but I recently was diagnosed with ASD so now it makes since lol
Sorry to hear that 😢
@@Dimitris_Half have you discussed with yourself whether that's an incredibly loaded question which immediately begins by assuming the individual is the issue and not the fluffed up "society" we live in?
I’m literally dealing with this right now. It constantly hurts and takes up so much of my headspace. I have to actively keep myself from not thinking about the mistreatment, lack of reciprocation of care, and severe misunderstanding with no intent of mitigation. This video is so timely. And I’m sorry about your situation. You’re not alone in this.
Ask not "who is my friend?" rather ask "whose friend can I be?"
In my situation, friends are hard to find, and I’ve finally accepted this fact after 10+ years of trying. By “friends” I mean someone close to you emotionally, someone who got your back, someone who cares about your well-being and checks in with you. (I have a a circle of people that hang out occasionally, but none is the type of friend I’m craving for and would really really appreciate.) I’ve done the same and offer the same to lots people that I thought could be good friends, but unfortunately, after 10+ years of trying, I‘ve finally accepted that everybody (in my circle) is too busy with life to care about me. This is quite disappointing, but unfortunately that’s my life so far. All I can say is, I tried, but I can’t find at least a great close friend.
Another disappointing thing is: they don’t really care about how you are doing, but they call you their friends only when they need something from you: resource, network, etc. I couldn’t understand this behavior for a while, until I finally just accept it as a fact as opposed to figure out “why they behave like that.”
Find a new circle. Yea, most people don't give a fuck and that's just how it is. Humans are selfish. Relationships come and go. that's why family values are so important. The generations of today forgot that for many reasons. So just find others who have the same vibe. Some will care. most won't. That's just how it is. We all live busy lives. It's tough out there. After all, giving is mentally good for you.
You lasted longer than I did though. I gave up after 6 years. Now I struggle behaving normal because one side wants to find friends and the other just doesn't; "people are threats."
hey i care, i may not know you, but i hope you're okay...
i hope you're okay rn:)
I feel like many people around me see friends as a substitute for a romantic relationship, and as soon as they find that special someone, they curl up into a love nest and start thinking they no longer require friends.
Agreed past 30 people prioritise settling down and having kids. Friends sadly become less important. Also they dot have as much time for them. Just the way it is
Yep... BIG MISTAKE
Dang you really just summed up my past friendship!
When all my friends got married I was dropped like a hot potato.
Some of that is out of necessity.
But I will say that I’m divorced now and finally have made friends with a group of women who I love. We support each other, laugh together, go on trips together. One of us is dating seriously and the others are at all spots on the dating spectrum. And I think we all know now that a romantic or sexual relationship will never be an adequate sub for friendship.
I feel blessed. It’s taken me until my 50s to find these women, but at least I did. So grateful.
I think a big problem in the US and maybe elsewhere, is everyone is really tired out! Life is just a grind of work and chores on the weekends just trying to make ends meet. In the 80’s we often had a bunch of friends over for a party but that’s not possible now. I even overheard someone at the grocery store saying they hated the holidays because it was too stressful and tiring. Friendship requires time and energy to cultivate and a lot of people don’t have either anymore 😢
I would say if you live in hyper realistic and hyper capitalist society where productivity and profit is valued for over well-being is only responsible for making people into burned out zombies, and depressed individuals with no social life and responsibility is sure the “best” feeling am I right?
The biggest in the U.S as an American Gen Z citizen living here is that everyone is obsessed with trying put food on their plate or making sure they live in their roof the next day. I’m getting tired of this American mindset and mentality. I’ve been to other countries all my life. People aren’t obsessed with being better than everyone else or having a bigger mansion and a yard.
SERIOUSLY LIVING IN THE UNITED STATES IS EXHILARATING AND TIRING. IM SO TIRED OF THE SELFISHNESS THAT WE DO TO EACH OTHER. I AM TIRED OF THE GREED AND OBSESSION WITH BEING BETTER THAN EVERYBODY ELSE. We Americans are psychologically traumatized by 9/11 and it is due to daily lives. My mom is suffering from this chronic stress and loneliness.
I am so tired of the United States capitalist system where it is no longer capitalist! It doesn’t feel human and warm at all. Nothing feels cozy…
@@mariamart_0I agree with you! I'm really tired of the entitlement Americans have, as well
Americans need to get into the mindsets of a decent healthy work/life balance. Smash market Capitalism and replace it with a more socialistic model and friendships and leisure could truly be a possibility and be achieved. It's the same with guns, bring about robust legislation then there will be less needless deaths per capita. It's simple....The US desperately needs a socialistic/humanitarian revolution!!!!!!!!!!
@@mariamart_0 Which country do you recommend?
I'm 22 years old and somehow ashamed to admit just how terribly lonely I am. I have always been, but it's getting even worse. I have a few friends, but they have boyfriends and are busy with their lifes. I only see them a few times a year. Not having close relationships makes me so sad :(
Please do not depend your happiness to people. I've been and still experiencing it right now. Make yourself busy, appreciate even the small things in life. Some people teach us to be alone. Alone time is more often the best thing because there's no issues, drama, anxiety that we're getting to other people.
Try joining some events and activities where people meet regularly and it is possible to make some friends :) You got this
I felt the same way as you when I was 22. Now I'm 26, and I don't have a lot of friends. But by this age you know who your true friends are and who you can depend on. The rest sort of float away. Just hang in there, I think you'll find the right people. Even if it's 1 or 2 people, that's all you need if they are solid and dependable.
@@deepspace5121 We are wired to connect you can't do anything about that reality. So saying don't rely on anyone is meaningless. None of us are Islands with bloody hobbies to distract us.
Yeah, i actually wondered where young people get partners to date nowadays. My elder son is divorced - his ex wife was from high school. My middle son has a lot of friends, and a high paying job, he goes out on regular basis and travels but does not have a gf. My youngest has a gf who studied with him at the same university. So unless u do not meet a partner at the place of studying seems like that s it. I hope u will find someone. I met my husband at a night club, but that was very long time ago. And before him i had a bf whom i met on an airplane - our seats were next to each other. Nowadays i fly on a regular basis because i live in 2 countries - France and Finland, my husband does not like to travel to Finland in winter so i come alone, never ever even once anyone tried to talk to me on a plane or airport. Not that i would like to, but I wouldnt mind to chat with someone while waiting. Times changed. Very difficult to meet new people
As I got older, friends started to diminish due to life changes (marriage, children, etc). Now, at 48, I have no friends and haven't dated anyone in 15 years. No kids, no wife, no friends, no family - there are many days that I really miss those types of connections. If I can put the thought of being alone the rest of my life - in the back of my mind I can go on without much suffering, but during holidays is when it gets to be a bit too much.
Go to the closest Greek Orthodox Christian church and become a catechumen.
Attend liturgy and then mingle after.
Look up “Theosis.”
Love God and love your neighbor as yourself.
Friends will come.
Going through this at the age of 28.
Become an enlightened philospher, a wise monk, producer of narcotics, or become monkey.
many options for someone who has no ties to anyone
@@masoomahmed9560 bro gimme ur insta ill spam ya with reels,real
you too, i need that insta
Social medias and over connectivity killed what you imagine as "friendship".
I'm not that old, i'm nearly 33 but i'm old enough to have lived through an era without internet / social media hegemony.
The rarity of the interactions we had in the past is what made it so precious, no talking to your friends all day via an app made you meeting for a simple game of playstation session with friends much more valuable, sleepovers used to have real meaning, meeting people outside of school/work show dedication.
This rarity is what forged valuable and solid friendships.
Most of my friends today are the ones i made when internet and social media weren't that important / non existent
Well put. IN a way, overexposure to "friends" via social media has made friendship and connecting with people boring and almost redundant.
yes, yes and more yes! ^this! Word! yes!
This. I have 2 childhood friends whom I didn't see for more than a decade and we didn't add each other on social media. Last year I went back to my old town and we pick up where we have left. It's the connection. Where as in my social media I have over 500 personal acquaintances but no deep connection. All there is are shallow interactions.
This has been my experience also.
On a larger scale better roads and the rise of large suburbs over people living in villages, towns and cities has meant that most people live in places where there is no natural community gathering points nearby, and if there are, they are places you must pay to use or be expected to buy things while there, so you don't often go.
I’ve met my first batch of fake friends in high school. Stopped hanging with them at 23. My next wave of fairness came around 28 which lasted till about 42. Long story short, no more
Fake friends and no more friends period. People have let me down time and time again. They bring NOTHINGS to the table.
After getting done dirty for a number of times, you learn to appreciate your own company. The world is a lot more cutthroat than people realize. A true friend is a rarity these days.
Either way, it is best for a person to enjoy their own company. If they have 1 or 2 good friends, it is icing on the cake.
@@shidehhafezi6826 for sure
I have great friends, we have been good friends since we were 5-6 years old and now im nearly 40. We are like brothers and even though I live in another country I still call and travel to visit. I'm very lucky and it's a effort worth making. I still make new friends now but it's not the same solid connection that I have with my older friends.
I have had a couple of instances where other men who I thought were good friends started treating me in a way that made me question our relationship.
In both cases I was the one to end the friendships. I don’t cut someone off for minor offenses but when I see a pattern develop that clearly says to me something has changed for the worst then I will back away from the relationship.
“Cut-throat” because of learned competitiveness for the sake of capitalism. It’s so frustrating.
It is very comforting to read the comments here and realize that we're all having trouble making/retaining friends!!
I think connecting is just harder in general these days, be it friendship or lover or coworkers.
Hopefully no one here makes friends for the sake of having friends, and more importantly I hope everyone who reads this find a human connection that they can rely on and treasure 🙏
@Mike Kane what about trust?
I have trouble surprised i haven't offed myself
I've thought I had good friends at work but one of them randomly stopped talking to me. I just let it be because im not going to keep reaching out to someone who has a one sided view of friendship.
I’ve given up on it. What’s the point?!
@Mike Kane!. Bruh what a whole damn essay you got there. I agree with you esp about how we don't and shouldn't need to be friends with everybody, although I think it's always good to get to know people outside your own bubble.
Interesting take too about how social media makes it easier to spot friendship counts and how it affects us.
Take it easy, thanks for sharing your opinion~ :)
My grandparents - grandma died at 90 last year, grandpa still kicking at 92 - were constantly hanging out with their friends all through their lives. In their photo albums, there are almost as many pictures of their friends having parties and travelling as there are of family. They joined community organizations, got involved at church, made friends with neighbours. Somewhere along the way we decided that once you pass your mid 20s or so, it has to be all about your partner, immediate family and career. Seems to have started with my parents' generation and even worse in my own. It's a lonely way to live and doesn't help us to understand each other. And the pandemic has made it worse - I have a good group of friends who would at least get together once a month or so, and now nobody ever wants to do anything. It's like pulling teeth to get people together. Everyone got too comfortable sitting at home watching Netflix and scrolling through reels.
it's awesome to that your grandparents had such an active social life. I strive to be the same
Called social engineering...look it up
I personally wouldnt want to waste my life on pointless parties. I would dedicate my time to 1. My husband
2. My children
3. My cats
4. Gym
5. My hobbies like painting, knitting and playing piano
I want to drink wine - can sit with my husband in a restaurant
@Bambina Forever you sound very self absorbed.
'Careers' do not bring fulfilment, only misery. We are living like slaves when we should be free.
I remember growing up how tight nit my community was. Neighbors watching out for everyone's kids, teachers, the people who worked at the corner store. That all started to decline in the 90's and by the 2000's it was none existent. Now it is becoming increasingly common for a person to die in their home and no will know for months before they realize they're dead. Something about our society has destroyed our sense of community. I can't help but feel this was deliberate because it does make us weaker and easier to exploit.
Mass, uncontrolled nonEuropean immigration has taken a relatively homogeneous nation to a heterogenous nation. The West is repaganizing, no moral consensus based on biblical truth, therefore no common culture, therefore everyone hunkered up at home behind screens
What's worse is how many deny this obvious societal decline. Many folks here agree, but many still just insist things are the same as they ever were. Social collapse seems imminent & in some ways already taking place.
You’re absolutely spot on. It was always intentional and it has low key and all around covertly been weakening the Wyte American tribe…
(European roots.)
For some reason which I won’t say….we just can’t have a sense of community anymore. Our ancestors built and created this country/system as a tribe of people who worked together….
if that is the case then why are we all looked at as strictly individuals for our achievements…
yet always looked at as one large group collective for our sins or failures? 🤔
we have truly been propagandized so bad all these years some of it is almost subconsciously…
Whether that be through entertainment or the liberal education system…
Nothing beats being born in 1996 not just as a male but as a wyte male…
growing up and slowly figuring out through feminist female teachers that men are the destroyers and violent….
especially Wyte men who are responsible for all the evil and colonialism and slavery anddddd that’s how it starts man.
not only is it frowned upon and socially looked down upon to form a collective or even talk about it from a societal stand point is disheartening and not right.
The thin line between it being an unpopular thing to do amongst our ethnic group…and it being labeled as nothing but absolute HATE for other less fortunate groups is one big guilt based power move and I hate it.
if we wytes even think about forming a group collective to build positive results?
That’s wrong and we should think about how that may just effect others for once….
us wytes when our ancestors societal achievements are constantly being undermined and pushed aside…
just so every other group can focus the hate on us current day Wyte Americans?
all in the name of equity and raci$m and diversity and immigration and DEI and i$rael and poverty and feminism and women’s liberation and abortion and blah blah blah blah
Rant over but you’re right my friend. Community is non existent and money will not and doesn’t ever fill that deeply needed tribal void we have ingrained in our DNA.
Being a man is such an absolute joke these days. All the blood of our ancestors shed to get the group where we are today yet now that it’s all built society just wants us to maintain it really.
Other than that?
I can’t think of another group alongside our very own wyte women….
that wouldn’t actually prefer that we European rooted blue eyed wyte men stand in the corner and focus on nothing else but shutting up and thinking about what we did wrong in the timeout section.
Everyone elses group is still extremely tribal and or somewhat loyal yet for some reason wyte people…
took the Bait early on and decided to play along for the betterment of everyone else yet at their own demise.
We took the Bait hook line n sinker for everything related to this democracy based color blindness narrative we’ve had shoved down our throats.
It’s a joke. It’s lonely and it’s pointless. We’re weak and we’re practically being genocid3d.
Without community?
humans simply..
aren’t human.
“It is better to be alone, than to be in bad company.” - George Washington. sometimes negative friendships end up bringing you down and I think it is important to have a criteria that helps you better understand what friendship really involves. Having a criteria will also make you a better friend to those around you. If you don´t have close friends, think about what you would expect from a close friend and try and practice that with the people around you. Accept that friends come and go and that is just part of life. Be grateful for the good times and look to the future
Well, I applied the most basic set of rules, blocking those who add me as a "friend" without being even remotely interested. I have a grand total of 1 local person remaining as an online contact, and not one I would consider close by any means.
Hungary moment.
no man, even a fake person and oppotunists can make it through 'criteria' and make use of those individuals who r morally good.
True. I think people in the past were more willing to put up with people who were just taking advantage of them, they might have considered someone a "friend" when really it was one sided. While people today might have fewer to no friends, it might be because they are taking better care of themselves - they're not willing to bend over backward for someone who doesn't or udn't willing to do the same.
People back in the day might see a friend once in awhile, call a friend once in awhile, and not notice how poorly they were treated. It could be a, "well, that was a bad conversation but I'm sure there was just something going on in their life that I couldn't see.". Now that we have social media and text messaging, you can see that someone is constantly inconsiderate of your feelings; you can see how they treat others the same way. It's easier to recognize and leave one-sided friendships than ever before.
True.
I can't even get a "bad company"
Lost all my close friends in a 6 month span last year. It was insane, all for different reasons. And then my family moved away. I have been too busy to even comprehend it until the last few weeks. I’ve never had trouble making friends. But making close friends isn’t something you can just do overnight. I’m seeing this as an opportunity to choose wisely, as your friends really do affect who you are and who you become.
Sorry
Interesting! How did you lose them?
Do u know why u lose them? I want to ask mind but i am so scared to ask them
I've seen so many friends change and actually act misable family and friends to me mean everything but I'm actually seen people get more misable with age,I'm greatfull to God for everyday and I'm happy because I've gratitude but it's sad times when people who arnt as happy for your happiness as you are for there's!! I teach my kids to be respectfull happy but don't be fools for anyone as sadly people will try pull you down while I tell them to bring people up !!! Thank God there's still real kind guinine people out there but choose wisely who's around you ,God bless us all of good heart 🙏
Just read your post. Relatably sad to read. How are you now?
I lost most of my friends by now because we all live in different cities, they got married etc. Also, there were quite a few where I just gave up. They never reached out by themselves, I always had to initiate any contact because it never came from them. Quite frankly would be happy if it didn't always feel like I was the only one reaching out.
Thats so true. Same here. I got TIRED of always being the one reaching out.
I come from a culture that is passive aggressive and I'm not so people don't follow through, give empty platitudes and waste time just going round and round. I simply got TIRED of them and walked away.
Also some proved to be users/narcissists looking for supply. The first mean or manipulative thing they say or do and I cut them off immediately. They care testing boundaries to see how far they can push.
Pre pandemic I had made a few new friends and was connecting and relating then BOOM! Everything and everyone scattered like the wind and now I am a much deeper and broader person -don't have the same desire for people relating.
Similar thing happened to me. I just had to give up on some friendships (or at least downgrade them) and seek out the friends who were more fulfilling. It's kinda sad and hard to let go like that, and equally hard to find the right new people, but you will never regret it when you finally find your people once again.
Non-reciprocal "friendships" - are quite draining
personal observation - in mixes of people where various levels of "friendships" evolve into being - sometimes it's not that you're embraced, it's that you're tolerated out of a sense of not wanting to offend.
same
My memories of true, meaningful friendships are all from my childhood. We wanted to be with each other because those were the best times we ever had. We valued each other for the people that we were, and we could be genuine with each other because we didn't feel like we were being judged. We shared our possessions, but more importantly we shared ourselves. We talked about things that mattered, we listened to each other and advised each other. Imagine a world where adults could relate to each other the way children do.
So true. I can relate 💯
I’m in mid-20s and I already see my friendships slowly disappearing because my friends are getting married, moving out etc. I always try to initiate meetings but the moment someone has their own family, they don’t think about friends that much.
It's okay, you can go catch up with them through their social media posts every day. Practically the same thing as being friends right?
@@slayerdwarfify Not at all the same
@pookie11593 No, it's definitely not. The way some people act you would think it is though
Friends ARE family to me. That’s how my parents see their friends as well, so it’s how I was raised. I wish people valued friendships more
Sad truth. It's creepily animalistic of us, but most people just drop single friends when they're married with kids. Too much work. Easier to be friends with people you don't have to make time for, such as people you can go on couple dates with or who have kids your kids can play with. Stupid shit but true
Friendships are supposed to be natural, formed from shared journeys and just being "relatable" with one another. You shouldn't have to "force" yourself to make friends. But I agree that as people get older and lives diverge, its harder to make friends because people already have their socia circles created.
Often people makes good friend later in life when they are settled, matured and often meets one that has same mindset and hobby.
💯 It's better to meet friends via professional careers, hobbies, school or passionate interests activities. Healthy unforced connections.
I’ve noticed this too and it makes no fucking sense. The older they are the more closed off they are. Like they’re no longer open for business to make new friends and have connections. I’ve heard people say “i have a few good friends I don’t need more. I got no time for that” that’s so sad. Different people can give you different things. Every friendship is different.
@@ayla8345it's tedious and time consuming to get to know people only to find out we are not, after all, friend material. Just too much hassle later on in life, especially if one has had a ton of bad experiences such as convenience based friendships.
@@annanajduch5201 It's only tedious and time consuming if you view it that way. Sometimes it becomes an opportunity to have fun finding similar interests. Even if it doesn't work out, it's better than not trying.
Astrum huh?
As I entered my mid 30's, I lost so many friends and in turn social media like youtube and reddit became the last bit of interaction I could get in life. I love my kids and wife, but increasingly feel isolated and lonely outside of the family unit
I'm sorry
Are you interested in sports? Could you not join a club...Even do some cooking classes to socialise more. I know it's not easy. I'm a few years older than you.
Well at least you still have your wife, more than I could say
Why would u need friends if u have a wife and children? If u have too much time in your hands join gym
@@bambinaforever1402 Are you a bot?
I am 27 years old and live in California. I meet people and try to go out to be social, but I am almost always left feeling like it's "forced" or that the quality of the connection is just not there. Tonight I went to a gathering where I knew some people, and I felt like I was in middle school again. People acted super awkward, not being able to get into a genuine conversation. It was very surface level interaction. I left feeling like people don't know how to have meaningful insightful conversations with each other. Most conversations I have these days seem to be forced small talk...
I was born in another country and will never get used to the awkward strange encounters and behaviors that I see living in LA, especially. People here don’t know how to interact with others, it’s like this weird cold and shallow exchange with people. It’s very sad.
There there may be an error in approach here: expecting insightful discourse right out the gate has felt like setting myself up for failure throughout my life.
People absolutely are willing of it, capable of it but few view it as customary or even appropriate in newly established social settings.
So instead of serving as a foundation that any promising relationship ought to have early on, it may prove fruitful to slow one's roll and take those rare instances where intimacy is quickly established as an indicator for a truly good match.
I have no friends and honestly, sometimes it does feel like the worst thing. But, there are many days where I'm much happier alone. I see classmates always being fake with one another and gossiping, and that just makes me realise that I'm kind of happier not being involved with all of that. I genuinely don't think people my age have the capability of genuine affection and kindness... I'm lonely at times, but it feels safer and less stressful.
genuine affection and kindness happens, but it comes and goes, just like jealousy and gossiping. There will never be the perfect friend, can t exist, we are humans so there are only shades of grey
I feel the same way. I swear I try to not be like a "not like other girls" girl (lol), but it's really hard for me to connect deeply with most other women my age in my early 20's. I have one younger friend who was homeschooled, but she's also like four years younger than me and really timid/relies on her parents a lot. I'd try to help her out of her comfort zone but I'm also busy as hell all the time.
i feel the same, i feel isolated and lonely, but i cant relate to my classmates. In my case they just gossip and talk about partys, how much they drank and who they think are hot
(im quitting drinking, cant be close to drinks)
So being alone isnt always so bad... but i miss chatting and gaming
I am with you.
I wish mercy to your eyes
From my own personal experience, most friendships are situational. Same job, same school, same interests, etc. As soon as one of those things change, so too does the friendship. You only need 2-3 true friends who you can always count on.
True. And it's a mathematical reality. I personally don't want to deal with 10s or even 100s friend-obligations per year, rubbing other people egos (being objective isn't really a trait of a true friend, unfortunately), just to be considered as a person with lots-of-friends. Fuck that...
It feels like an age thing, the older I get, the more picky I get, the less I care about dealing with people, the more ‘transactional’ everything feels. Friends are expensive too, just about everything we do together costs money.
Definitely true but also you have a certain amount of experience under your belt. Things in general aren't as exciting as they used to be... Friendships happen not out of loneliness per se but out of curiosity for others. It's just no longer that interesting anymore.
Yeah it definitely gets more difficult with age. Easy to make friends in school where everyone is the same age, taking the same classes, and all on roughly equal footing. It's a lot harder when you get into the working world where there are enormous age gaps and power imbalances.
Yes, expensive and the effort. These days everything is tiring. I dont wanna travel more than 30min
I hear ya but I've always been highly independent and when it comes down to it won't take shit from anyone. If a friend insults something sacred to me, is highly competitive or jealous, or even dodges me after I loan them money I cut them off like it's nothing.
Such good points. I always thought of it as losing friends when they pair bond and then have kids, but that hasn’t been as much of an obstacle as distance and finances, and the transactional aspects.
I think a big element in the decline in friendship is social media - I think when you see pictures and hear news of friends on a daily basis, it tricks the brain into thinking you’ve connected with and actually ‘seen’ your friends so you then don’t wonder how they’ve been and therefore don’t actually call or meet up with them. Social media is a poor surrogate for actually connecting directly, face-to-face with people. Remember that feeling most of us had when the pandemic hit and we could only talk via video, even that highlighted something fundamental and vital to our interactions that was missing, even during a video call - so just imagine what is missing from engaging in nothing more than online curtain twitching when we “interact’ on social media.
We don't have the time or money to meet IRL anymore.
I am from London and I can honestly say it is the worst place on earth to make friends. You only become friends through school, work or dating, it is extremely seldom to become friends with a new neighbour or a stranger in a cafe, bar or on the street. There is a constant suspiciousness and cynicism from people, something that abroad I have very few times encountered. I lived in China for 2 years and felt my confidence grow like never before, then I had to return to the UK where my mental health plummetted, I then took a solo holiday to Mauritius where I suddenly made loads of friends again and for a 2 week period felt my confidence grow again before hitting back in reality. I currently left a group of 'friends' who I had known for 12 years whose lad banter always found me as one of the constant targets which made me shy and anxious to ever be myself in person and even online. Now I have left this group and I have no way or idea of meeting people to make friends around London, I feel surrounded by people but incredibly lonely
England has a culture of selfishness that's even larger than the US. Also, the weather could definitely be a factor, as well as the general tribalism with various subcultures (I'm definitely talking football culture, as one example).
There's a lot of factors at play there.
Just here to say you’re spot on. I had no issues making friends anywhere but in London it’s almost impossible. Everyone seems so closed off, earphones in, eyes pealed to their smartphone. What’s crazy is most people seem to feel the same way but only a select few have the drive to actually do something about it and meet new people
I'm in the US, but my experience is similar. I don't know anyone who has friends outside of school, work, and dating... people say we're "friendly" here, but it's shallow. No one really wants to get to know a stranger.
Hey I have to ask, are you taking any steps to move away from there? The fact that you've found happiness elsewhere leads me to believe the problem is just that you're living in a city that obviously doesn't suit your personality.
@@HanhNguyen-uk8bc yeah I'm planning on moving back to China this year fingers crossed
Many people lose their friends because they get into a relationship with a significant other and abruptly treat their friends like they don't matter. It could be because of the time commitment or perhaps the significant other doesn't like the friends they have. It's only years later that they realize their mistake. I've seen people try to reconnect with their friends after a break up/divorce or the realization that true friendship isn't the same as a spouse. It's super awkward as that person basically tries to glaze over the fact they discarded their friends thinking they didn't need them anymore. Pretty sad.
Man, this is spot on. I had a couple GREAT friends that i spent nearly everyday with for like 10 years. Amongst the laughs and partying and experiences, i overlooked how surface level the relationship actually was. One of them suddenly phased himself out of our group silently over the years to be with his (VERY AVERAGE) girlfriend.
The other mooched off me and another friend in our house during the pandemic and completely abandoned us for the "girl of his dreams" like 2 years ago once everything started getting sorted out. My other friends/roommates still keep in contact with him sparingly, but i couldn't be bothered by how disrespectfully he left us. To know i wasted so much time on people who weren't worth it makes me nauseous. Especially when my best friend of over 20 years never lived in the same city as me since we graduated high school, but made it a POINT to see me every time he came back to WA from NY. Hell, i met his 6 month old son like a month ago. The joy i felt holding my second generation bestie was UNPRECEDENTED.
Absolute facts easily the best comment on this vid. Men seem to do this alot
Females do this A LOT
So true
@@Sarandib22 Men have lower standards when it comes to cleanliness, so even if they're progressive and agree to split the chores 50/50, it ends up being 25/75 because they have lower standards. Like if you change the bedsheets every week and he only changes them one a month then he's not going to start doing it fortnightly so you'll end up doing it 3 times a month. You could probably suss all this out before you move in with a guy though.
I think that many people struggle to make and maintain friends in adulthood, simply because friendship isn't a skill that is taught (in the way that math and literature is) in childhood.
I grew up in a military family and lived in two different countries and five different states by the time I was fourteen. I was used to being the "new kid". I learned early on in life that I had to be very assertive in order to make friends. I also learned how to take rejection well, and develop an abundance mentality. You don't like me? That's okay! There's a million other kids all over the world who will. Who cares.
I'm 27 now. I moved to a new city three years ago by myself. I didn't know anyone in the state. I built a circle of friends over time by doing what I did in my childhood... sucking up my pride and taking the intiative to invite people out FIRST, and not waiting around for someone to invite me. And moving on when you're rejected. It's a numbers game, much like dating is. It's really that simple. SO many people want friendships, but they're too afraid to reach out because they lack the skillset and experience to build them. So many people are lonely but don't talk about it. So many people are terrified of rejection. Be the light in someones life and be the first to reach out!
And that's why PUA was a popular trend at one point. Humans by nature have always been passive and lazy and rather be entertained. No one likes rejection. Pretty much everybody grew up in the warm isolated shielded nest of their parents these days. The quality of people imo went down a bit but didn't really change the dynamics. It's still numbers game. It's just not as nice as it used to be because of all the changes. I think everybody should just practice spending much less time on the internet and just focus on spending time with people offline. It's very very hard to break bad habits as well, not just the skill/mindset.
I work in early childhood education and learning how to make friends and be a friend is important. We use stories that help them gain a sense of empathy and kindness that they can then apply in their daily lives. Also learning things like how to share and include others in play helps them care for others outside of themselves.
I've been the one to reach out first in my friendships only for things to be one-sided. I'd rather them say they don't want to be friends than me thinking they really consider me their friend.
Well, i was once like u, but when i saw people did not reciprocate - like if I invite they come, but they wouldn’t invite me anywhere, if i called they answered but they wouldn’t call me, so i just stopped. Lucky me i have a husband and children. So it is not like we lack company
@@bambinaforever1402 that’s been my experience too. It’s one thing to initiate a friendship but to have to be the only one to maintain the contact is exhausting. Friendships should not be one sided with one person putting in all the effort, and that’s often the case.
Decline of integrity seems to be happening at the same time as the decline of friendships. It's not uncommon for people to have an abundance of stories where friends have turned out to be too nosy, too needy, backstabbing, leeching, surface level, uncompromising etc
Agreed. All valid points as it stands. What I've seen and noticed is that if people can get away with a lie they will. When they know you have no inclination to follow up on a claim that may be a lie they will tell more lies which in turn causes people to back away from potential friends who may operate with a lack of integrity.
declining of human values
Yeah mental health issues have skyrocketed so there are many toxic unwell people out there. By the time you cut ties with people who are emotionally unsafe, it’s a lonely place.
I think one of the main reasons for the decline in friendship is that children don’t learn this skill like they did in earlier generations. Kids no longer roam around the neighborhood meeting other kids and organically forming friendships. They don’t know how to play with each other. Parents don’t make friends with their neighbors anymore which was another way for kids to meet. I’m not saying there aren’t good reasons for keeping your kids inside these days. But by trying to ensure their physical safety we may be sacrificing social development and mental health in many cases. Children don’t seem to make as many friends in school either. It’s all so regimented and on top of that more kids are homeschooled which also lessens those interactions. Children now hang out with adults more than ever. It’s not natural. I loved my parents and we had good relationships but they were not my friends. I didn’t want them to be my friends for Pete’s sake. I wanted people my own age.
i blame the constant parent lead playgroups so the parents can have their friendlships.
Good points.
There aren’t a lot of good reasons. The kidnapping scare of the 90s that revoked children’s freedoms wasn’t real
i agree with you. u hit the core
I can relate
Friendships are great if that person pushes you to become better. But if they're a toxic friend, it's better to focus on your growth alone until you attract better people.
I agree!
Absolutely. My heart hurts for my middle daughter, who has had the worst luck with friends. She goes the extra mile for everyone in her life, but gravitates towards losers. I keep telling her there are better people out there. Why is it so hard to connect with so much "connectivity" due to technology?
@@jspaingreene6350 I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sure she will find better friends soon. The technology (social media) really doesn't help as it gives a false sense of connectivity. It's much harder to have "friends" meet somewhere and spend quality time or to do an activity together, instead they prefer to "socialize" through a phone screen. This also relates to the younger generation's lack of social skills, from what I've witnessed. I feel this as a young adult.
That is true to extent but friendship shouldn't be about 'oh can you improve me life' or how good they are. I think you have a very superficial idea of friendship.
@@EatMyShortsAU I appreciate your feedback! I feel the truest of friends are the ones that want the best for you and challenge you to become that better version of self. Improvement comes from within and is their choice, but who you associate with impacts that (as people are quite moldable). It's usually a good thing, if someone wants to see you improve, grow and have a fulfilled life.
Yes, I believe we are in a friendship recession. I have lost two dear persons recently that I thought they were true friends. But time reveals the truth about people. I'd rather stay on my own than be surrounded with fake friendships
That’s tough and I know how it feels but I hope you stay open and allow yourself to make meaningful friendships. Having a real friendship with someone isn’t easy and finding that person can sometimes be hard but it is worth it
Please be open to being that close and meaningful friend to someone else. don't lose hope
Amen sister
@@mhraena Not easy to trust again. I will need time to recharge and heal before opening my heart once more. We get more selective, more cautious after too many disappointments
@@exzith yessssss
I’m damn near ready for life to just end. Everything feels so pointless and empty. We’ve become too smart for our own good while simultaneously being too dumb to stop being unkind to each other.
Yes. A dumb kind of "smart". It's much easier to be unkind than kind. It takes true effort to be really kind. One has to honestly look in the mirror and see some very ugly things in order to become genuinely kind. Society's engineers have made most of us very shallow & self absorbed. The worst part is that people don't truly believe that they are. Social media is a nighmare that's cons far outweigh its pros (and many don't want to hear that either, of course). I'm 58 and have literally witnessed my own family completely change due to Smart phones & generic online programming. And I've watched my own children lose their creativity & intelligence as they continue to tune into online content. This is just one of many uploads about the very same issue. We are overloaded with so much online information about loneliness, depression, anxiety, and all of the other negatives that come with our "Brave New World". It's a huge money maker because we are sick & ailing. Most everyone knows as much. So there are mentors and gurus crawling out of the woodwork to help us with our neverending list of problems. I'm not knocking this man or anyone in particular. It's just a fact.
I can understand how you feel this way. For me, companion animals (especially dogs) and gardening have saved my life by giving me joy.
Agreed and unfortunately
❤❤❤❤agreed!
How are you now?
Having even one best friend, let alone so many friends is not that easy. Human beings are often envious of what others have. Finding a good friend who is happy for your relationship with your spouse, while she is going through a struggle with her spouse. Having a friend who is happy that you bought a house and you have a good career, while she is still renting and has a small job. At least this is my experience. Today, people want to have everything others have and that creates a friction between friends. We are becoming more and more selfish and envious of others because of social media. Family dynamics also may play a role in our future friendship developments.
This
Yes, America is becoming more and more unequal and people are now more envious of other’s fortune and this makes it hard to make friends these days. People continuously compare to you.
Yes hun...speak it!
yesss!! these days it feels like a competition not a friendship
@@JoeGames-ju8mr Seeing things as unequal in and of itself is envious.
Friendship is a lost art. It really is a developed skill and requires empathy, tact and the willingness to leave the house and engage in healthy activities.
We are too narcissistic ,removed from nature and no coping skills where every problem is solved through violence.
"healthy"
YES, so true !
I love the first sentence you said so much!!
Also just getting off our phones when we are around others. You cannot connect with people in person when staring and interacting with a device
thank you! people today expect their friends to be blindly supportive cheerleaders who are always willing to drop anything and everything for them, and that's just setting yourself up for disappointment. it also gives you an excuse to play the poor unloved martyr.
the reality is that friendships come in all shapes and sizes and you should have a variety of friends, from soul deep all the way to the shallow end of the pool.
I believe one of the leading causes of loneliness, is social media. Creating a friendship involves exposing your vulnerabilities (whether you realise it or not) to your new peer. You’ll share certain things with people, when they’re on their own… but with social media, I think people can constantly see an audience they don’t want to share these vulnerabilities with.
true… honestly it’s pretty sad but I don’t have a best friend anymore. The person I considered my true best friend ended up just using me for homework answers. She didn’t seem to care that we drifted. That was a long time ago so I’m over it lol. But I never made another best friend to that level. I have friends but I never share my vulnerabilities with them. If you don’t share it will be easier to forget them when they leave. Nobody rlly seems to care when we drift. Not to mention that I feel left out of group convos, I mean I get talked over and interupted all the time. Like don’t get me wrong, I have lots of friends now and it’s pretty easy for me to have convos with a single person, but when it’s two people I’m always the third wheel. I’m not asking for sympathy or anything but I just wanted say that I’m used to ppl leaving me don’t share anything and you’ll be good.
Yeahh also social media show us the perfect model of friendship that we can't reach cuz it's a fake model plus the fact that sometimes some ppl act like a friends and care abt u just to be seen or to belong to built that cool image with no real love or care
@@ashr.k5041 I feel like I could have typed this myself, down to the being used to being left. Solidarity
@@coopicrumbs it’s always the best of us. :) that’s ok it just means we don’t have any distractions
Hmm, well, i'm one of those that don't want friendships because i'm sick and tired of getting betrayed...
I've never really been on social media, beyond having a youtube account that i shitpost with for fun. :P
You can never really trust anyone with any vulnerabilities, because those vulnerabilities WILL be taken advantage of, and they WILL be spoken of to the rest of the village... And at that point, your life is already over... The IDEA of trust in anyone, is wrong, and evil, it doesn't depend on who you're interacting with, sooner or later that person you thought was a friend WILL betray you, you can't trust ANYONE, no matter what, that's the lesson you learn after it happens enough times.
It finally sunk in with me when my childhood friend threw me under the bus just to impress their new friend that used to be one of the two worst bullies in my former school... Yes, my childhood friend knew, she just didn't care... She valued her friendship with the bully, more than her friendship with me.
I think i was like 16 or 17 years old at the time, that's when that lesson sunk in for me... Not even the person i trusted my entire life, could be trusted... Even my mother betrayed me on several occasions, sharing the secrets i confided in her with, with all her friends, because she wanted to get brownie points with them, rather than be a trustworthy parent to her own son... That happened before my incident with my childhood friend though.
I've had limited success with true friends in life, but the enemies I've managed to make are quite resolute, and infinitely more reliable.
Dude, this is a great statement. Well said, man.
Having toxic friends is far worse than being alone. The decline is in quality connections we have these days.
That's not what the survey showed. Is anyone actually watching these videos BEFORE they inject their own bias on it anymore?
Having "toxic" in your vocabulary to describe people is really the main problem here. It comes from people with mental issue, trans people and woman. The term "toxic" is for subtances, not people, so creating that imaginary concept of "toxic masculanity" and using it in every sauce is going to create what you did. Which is telling us how "toxic" other people can be. Now what? Parents have toxic kids, kids have toxic parents, toxic brothers, toxic systers, and now what, toxic teacher, toxic job, and so on. You see the spiral of deterioration and destruction for using meaningful and hurtful words everywhere, all the time. It's like putting a Demon and Evil on everything, which is false and wrong obviously.
Agreed. Very social cultures don’t equate feeling deep connections. In Latin America they are very friendly and extroverted, but it’s driven by culture and affirming each other’s existence. A lot of these interactions are “fake” or contrived. Those people who move to North America (and also don’t have the family and friends they grew up with) feel lonely bc culturally we don’t feel it necessary to stroke the ego of everyone who walks by. Better no friends than the illusion of friends.
@@stephanmarcouxdrums4877 what's with the blaming of mental issues, trans people, and women? Did they really create these terms or are you just trying to find an opportunity to bring them down? I don't really mind if the other points you said are true or not, in fact, starting your opinion by accusing others doesn't really make your point stand out, it just makes people know you are just as bad as those people you are "blaming".
I had toxic friends who drove me to the edge of suicide then laughed and mocked me for it.
I would have been much better off without any friends at all
I grew up without any close friends. Was picked on and bullied in two schools. Made a close friend in college and after 11 years we are no longer in touch. I was sad of course, but thankfully I was in a position where I could afford to be very good friends with myself. Focused on enjoyment, travel and personal goals. Over the past 2 years I naturally seem to easily form at least casual friendship relationships. I never dwelt on sadness feelings and became quite the opposite.
I need to follow your example.
@@gigilamoore2656 Same here
See? Being on your own is fine provided you have a positive mental attitude. None of us need people, they're appalling. Just focus entirely on yourself in a vacuum. Love yourself because nobody else will.
While its good that you've become more self reliant nothing, and I mean nothing replaces having a real solid group of close friends.
Same more or less. My best friends are my 3 cats
as a 20 year old man in college, i can admit that the last time i feel i had true friendships was when i was 13 years old. nowadays, yeah, i may meet up with people, and share laughs with people, but for whatever reason, our bond doesn't feel like an actual friendship. i feel like social media plays a big part in people feeling without friends nowadays. we feel as if we constantly have the ability to stay "connected" with one another via social media, so we pay less attention to actually connecting with others in the actual world. to some, social media friendships is enough to suffice their friendship needs, not for me though.
I think social media also paints the image of what an “ideal friendship” (and what the ideal version of most relationships) looks like for most. persons start to seek this exact image out; try to “recreate” it as opposed to making genuine bonds in their own way. they make these fraudulent bonds for the sake of image .
Dude, you're 20. Relax. It gets worse.
@@flipjupiter1 LMAO
Spot on young man.
I AM 22 years old and i agree with you,modern relationships feel very superficial you can talk to somebody today and laugh but tomorrow the other person might ignore and not talk to you again,people Also don't seem to like to say things about themselves so if feels like there is some kind of barrier between you and Said person
Tips and tricks: choose your friends like you'd choose a romantic partner. Compatibility and chemistry must be there! You can't be friends with just anyone, that's why they are so special. Date new friends to find out if they are someone you'd be excited to invest your time into. Also there is nothing wrong with enjoying a short term friendship (longevity is not always a sign of something meaningful). Quality over quantity is something to keep in mind.
I think one really big issue today is that nobody wants to be vulnerable anymore, unless it is transactional. People are only vulnerable with other people who are vulnerable so it becomes a co-dependancy for protecting vulnerability.
Underrated comment
most of the times, being vulnerable will just bring you teasing and name calling from your potential "friends". Only rarely will you find true gems. But many people just don't want to be name called and teased for so many times (and rightfully so) before stumbling onto a real one.
i’m open to being vulnerable but people these days hate clingy people, I hate being clingy but it is who I am if I feel close to someone
Well of course they don't. Look at our heroes in media - steroid-abusing men acting like they carry the world on their shoulders and "tough it out" no matter how many bullets they take or windows they crash through, and increasingly, women who show no vulnerabilities or emotion under pressure, and only switch on emotion in their brains when they enter an unrealistically perfect environment to privately vent.
Also, it's natural to be guarded around people who are guarded. If we want others to be vulnerable around us, we have to open up about our own vulnerabilities. I'm not good at it. I admire people for whom that comes naturally.
Well being vulnerable to ppl is really hard. I've tried in the past and each time, it always left me with regret. I'm sure that's why me and many ppl are reluctant to be vulnerable.
The only thing I take issue with in this presentation is that friendships aren't transactional. We make friends with those who make us feel better about ourselves. Shared interests and attitudes are key to that arrangement. Get yourself a chronic illness or get in a serious accident and see how many of your friends stick around when you can no longer provide the same friend benefits as you could before in the friendship. A cancer diagnosis will thin that friends list out real quick. Friendships are just as conditional as other relationships. What is also very different is making friends in your teens and early 20s vs. making them later in life, which is much more difficult.
You also forgot to mention getting arrested for any crime, even if it was never done. My brother was framed for "sexual behavior with a minor," and as soon as that news came out, every one of his friends jumped ship cause now he was considered a "molester." Meanwhile the only few people that vouched for him were my family and his lover at the time.
No one has "friends". Everyone merely agrees to mutually use one another until there isn't any reason to be around them. Take it from someone who knows. I did an experiment where I started saying "no" to people's requests. EVERYONE disappeared. Not one human being on the planet would hang with me unless I was doing something of monetary value for them. 😂🤣😂 Either that, or they wanted connections, clout, or something else, lol.
90% of humanity is hot garbo. Acceptance is key.
🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨
@@VideoGameStarChannelSupreme This is s terrible and horrendously unjust problem, especially as many modern psycho jurisdictions consider young mature women who would be mothers at any other point in human history to be """"children """".
@@paulcosta8297 Agreed. American Christians are fucked up.
Exactly. My best friend dumped me 18 months after my husband died because she couldn't handle my grief.
I think because of parasocial relationships people barely notice their loneliness. We are in the age of social media. There is a world of distractions right in the palm of our hands in the form of phones and ipads and what have you. Lonely? Oh, just watch your favorite artist do a livestream. There, problem solved!
There is something so 'magical' about parasocialism. The people you admire don't even know you exist, yet that doesn't stop them from making you feel positive and impactful emotions. And it's a relationship that doesnt need much work, if I'm being honest. When you get sick of your person, you just find another one to idolize and it wouldnt feel as heartbreaking as friendship fall-outs.
Good points. My local friends hardly make time for me or even reach out so I watch streams and long form videos feel less lonely. They feel more reliable and available. It's not for my lack of trying. I am understanding of people's life situations but if they can make time for other people, it tells me what they prefer to prioritize. It's pretty hurtful. I rather have no friends than people who claim to be my friend yet never make an effort to be around.
Thank you for this insight. I feel I can understand my daughter better!
ur so right. its honestly so fulfilling and doesnt really take any effort
I talked to people about this for the past 20 years. I warned these relationships need to be maintained which requires effort. I noticed people wanted friends badly but didn't want to put in the effort to be a friend. By the time they need a friend they don't have any close ones because they hadn't spend the time or energy to cultivate those relationships.
I think alot of people won't make the effort to make friends. It's easier now with social media to sit at home and waste time on Facebook, insta, UA-cam etc and steaming services like Netflix, hbo max...
Or being taken for granted. I had a 30 year friendship, but as soon as she moved away, bam! Stopped calling me back, etc. Yet she told me often how hurt she was when her own sister didn't call her back (!)
Too right!!
Kept getting backstabbed and sabotaged by ‘friends’ repeatedly over the years- they kept feeling jealous/ competitive since I’m usually a fairly positive and self-confident person so they ruined me, my University life and my career as well. I moved to a different country and cut them all off- I’m now rebuilding my self-esteem back from scratch, peaceful in my thirties and happy with my family with zero drama from friends, thank you very much.
The problem that I have had with a once very close friend for many years is one of him treating me like a doormat and a backup option.
We were very close/best friends starting our senior year in high school. We had our ups and downs but the friendship was always there. Even when he got married and had children we still stayed close.
Then about 10 years ago or so he started engaging in passive aggressive behaviors towards me that clearly indicated (for reasons I still don’t fully understand) that he didn’t value our long term friendship anymore. He would ask me to go with him to a sporting event but didn’t follow through probably 1/2 dozen times and just left me hanging with no explanation. I would have let it go if it only happened once but when it kept repeatedly happening that clearly indicated something had drastically changed in our relationship.
There was a final straw event that caused me to have an epiphany and just as he was doing to me I slowly and somewhat silently started the process of disengaging from our once long and close friendship. We haven’t spoken directly for almost a year and as far as I am concerned our friendship is over. It doesn’t make sense to me to try and force our relationship to be something it just plainly isn’t anymore.
I'm sorry that happened to you. It's crazy how common awful jealous people are in our lives
I can understand you. Same happened to me, 90% of my closest "friends" from high school never were my friends because I realized they backstabbed me deliberately, only to ruin my happiness. I have to say I'm also quite a positive and peaceful person who doesn't get in trouble, but sometimes your "friends" have a problem with this (maybe because they secretly envy your happiness) and want to bring you down as well. The only thing they get out of this is feeding their ego and ire in life from innocent people. Today each time I see suspicious initial signs in new people I meet, I start setting a barrier between the two, and this has helped me with keeping only REAL friends in my life. Needless to say, whatever I went through has not ruined my smile and optimism in life. I make friends not to get something out of them but because it is fulfilling to have people who care for you and genuinely bring good to your life. I'm happy to see you are now living a peaceful life, you and everyone with faith in life deserve this :)
Many so called friends secretly stay quiet even though they can help, hoping you will fall
@@ramonvc260799 yep! it's unbelievable how these petty entitled ppl are often great at putting on rather normal-ish public face, but in reality they are the most entitled small minded, peevish psycho's imaginable! And after they're middle aged, they get diabolically worse! watch out! U have to be very disciplined to keen them at the right distance, which is often basically entirely away.
One of the most valuable things I've learned is that friendships take work. Reach out, make plans, remember what's going on with them, help them when they need it. I had to learn how to be a friend with the help of counseling. Who is ever taught that?
Spot on, this should be taught in schools
But there are people like that who do all the work. It very one sided
I always try to organize things and get shot 90% of the time. Sometimes I just get bored and if I don't reach out, the others don't.
I'm usually the one that makes plans and keeps in touch, but as I got older (36) there are a few friends that reach out to me. I honestly think it's the ones that truly love you that will stick with you. It's almost like dating. If they truly care about you, they will reach out to you. If not, well, they may just be an acquaintance. It's hard to accept that, but as I got older, it's more of a reality. Friends come and go and some stay for the long haul. People who care about you truly want to know how you are doing, it's as simple as that. What's hard is when you truly care about a friend but they're not necessarily on the same level of friendship as you are - so then you move on.
You’d think it would come naturally to the best of friends….but it is work
I have no close friends, and am lonely. One thing that I think is a contributor is aging. The older you get and the more you experience, the less naïve you are as to the quality of the character of the people around you.
20 something years ago when I was in the service, I remember having very close friends. When I try to get to know them now, I think "why would I ever be a friend to this person? They lack so much integrity..."
Personally, I've given up on trying, and just spend most of my time in nature. It may be lonely, but its not disappointing.
I completely understand where you are coming from. Something shifted in me during my 30's. I started to look at experiences with "close friends," at face value. Now, 41, I have pulled away from those who like you described, lacked notable integrity, and navigate acquaintances differently now.
I'm more unapologetic about my beliefs in Christ, my desire to remain sober and not drink as most people my age do, for every situation it seems...I'm also very unapologetic about my quirks.
I'm who I am. Not everyone will like me, and that is ok. I take the same opportunity to have a choice just like everyone else.
Thing is...I think as we age, we either adopt the negative inner voice as truth, or we push it away and let God's idea of who we are become our truth.
When that happens, people will naturally get weeded out.
I find nature, specifically the mountains, and where I'm from, the evergreens, as a place of healing for me. As you stated, it never disappoints.
Best Regards,
Elaine
And being in nature does not have to be lonely . You have nature and solitude . Enjoy
Great point...for me now it's nature... my dog....my personal interests
@@elainemartinez2021 Love this.
@@bludbought ❤️🙏🏼
My sister and I grew up in the US. She moved back to Turkey as an adult. At first it took her a while to adjust to the fact that the friends she made there expected to talk to her for at least a few minutes almost every day. She thought it was intrusive and demanding at first. After 20 years she now thinks our lives in the US are too isolated and solitary. She has opened my eyes.
My best friend passed away last March suddenly and unexpectedly. I've never felt more lonely than I have in this past year and I've had the shitty realization that I'll have to endure this pain again throughout my life. It's gotten easier as time goes on but it's made me so aware of the impact he had on my life and the fact that I will never know another person like him or have a relationship as close or special as we did. I've had my closest friends since high school and losing one was a wake up call I didn't want but has certainly changed my perspective of life, for better and worse. Tell your friends you love them.
I am so sorry for your loss. I would say you were and still lucky to have such friend in your lifetime. Most people just phase through and just dire to connect with someone.the memories you are left with is the ones that will feel your heart with more love everytime you recall it. Yes we miss people when they leave and we can't help it. But having such bond with such a person makes you feel so loved and lucky.. Not many people have felt that.. you are lucky and say your gratitude & you never know when you will meet your best friend in another form on this earth.. sending you lots of love.. ❤ wish you find such a friend again in your life.. love and light..🎉
I'm so sorry for your loss. 💐
Be strong, brother. Our Lord has a Plan. Have Faith.
Thanks for sharing your honest, poignant experience. It was very moving.
It's tough. BE, what you miss and you'll fill the void :)
Oddly enough college was a time when I started enjoying solitude. I didn't make friends right away so many nights were spent skating around town alone, eating by myself, even going to bars alone. To this day I believe I tapped into a superpower, one that has served me well in middle age.
Fvck how do I learn that bruh
Yes! I completely resonate with this. I love my own company.
I can buy myself flowers, write my name in the sand
@@har5814 thts sweet
Going to the bar alone and making conversation with strangers is one of my favorite. I've decided to stop drinking however so now i've gotta find other places to meet people
Deep meaningful friendship is a wonderful thing, but I think I'm my worse enemy, whenever some hardship happens, crazy depression, leaving a great job due to career politics/drama, or even battling addiction.
I feel like I need to escape to my safe room and put a barrier between myself and the outside world.
It's almost like the Japanese pandemic of "hikkikamorie", I just ghost everyone and stay shut in my room.
Like I'm broken and need to "fix" myself before I can be a friend or at least a good friend, but at the same time I think it's a cop out and I'm just fooling myself to give myself a reason to "escape".
Can relate.
When a dog feels sick, it seeks help from their owner, when a cat feels sick, it isolates itself to die in solitude
Relatable
Definitely relatable
I feel the same. It feels like something is broken inside of you, and you need to repair this little peace before you make contact with others, but to repair this peace you need people who support you, but how can you meet people, when you are not complete..and so on..its a cycle from hell..
I’m just about to turn 40 and I’m down to 1 friend and our contact is declining. I don’t know how to build friendships anymore. I’m lucky I have a partner, but beyond that I have no one else. Both parents have passed, I don’t really talk to my siblings. I have never verbalised to anyone how fearful I am of losing my partner because I would literally have no one left.
I think you are right losing a partner will make you very lonely I think it would be good to start culitativing more friendships ie find hobbies and do volunteer work, when we are 80 if we don't have family it will be much harder for us. I run a wellbeing group where we do puzzles and crafts and I expect i will do that until I drop dead with members leaving and dying but it will always continue.
Sometimes it’s fine and lovely to cultivate your own family. People throughout the ages have done it and lived happy, whole, and fulfilling lives.
As previously suggested, why not consider some hobbies? Dance studios, art studios, book groups, religious groups, instrument groups, are some of the activities that usually have community and fellowship.
And you have siblings! It may be awkward at first, but they are your family. I’d reckon there’s a possibility that they are also feeling like some contact with you would be nice. Don’t know your circumstances but generally siblings even if things get tough usually have good memories of their siblings! Give it a shot.
God will reward you for having the faith and courage to do something about these feelings.
Blessings.
Encouragement for you:ISA 41:10,JOHN 14:18,JOHN 14:27,PS 56:3,JER 29:11,3 JOHN 2&JOHN 14:15(KJV SUGGESTED)GOD BLESS!
I have no partner. Elderly parents. Friends….
I've gotta say that the biggest reason I've lost a lot of friends is because they can't be bothered to meet up. It can have been months, even years, I message them on social media or by text and they never seem to have any time, I set dates, organise things we can do (that they agree to) then get cancelled on a few days prior or even worse a few hours prior because they either "accidentally double booked" or "feel emotionally drained" and whilst both are fair enough reasons the friend never reschedules despite them being the one who cuts things off. When I DID try to reschedule it's just a bunch of excuses, so the golden ones are the ones who want to meet up and if someone starts showing symptoms of the above I find that it's kinder on my own emotions to burn the bridge or end the friendship.
Absolutely sucks ass and the only people in pubs and bars are usually either there to get wankered or aren't exactly in my age range or the personality I want to hang out with, clubs are scarce and suffer from the same kind of lack of comittment. Young people treat the church like it's a plague and so on.
Not impossible to make friends and keep them but this generation has it's unique difficulties.
It's almost as if (wait for it)...people can't or don't want be your friend😱quite the revelation!
I'm 16 and It's literally so hard to find the right friends these days. Like I am not the average person who scrolls on social media, addicted. Either ppl already have their friend group or doesn't want ro socialize.
Eh, those excuses are just that. excuses. Im sorry, but if people really want to do something- trust and believe they will make time for it.
I understand completely what you are talking about. 90 percent of the time I'm the one asking friends to hangout and do thinngs. After a while you give up and stop making the effort.
If a "friend" doesn't want to spend time with me, they're not a real friend. 🤷♂️
Friends are there for you and find the time to get together, no matter what. 😎👍
I think the worst physiological impact of not having friends is that the individual is perpetually in a 'fight or flight ' state of mind.. Because one can never let their guard down when walking around other people.. And that isn't good..
Precisely. For the same reason, one does not necessarily "need" friends. However, most would benefit from having one. So in a way, we need to seek communities but at the same time be able to look within to find peace.
Well, try watching youtube when “friends” murdered friends for a few bucks. So please do not let your guards down if u want to live
I haven't had a real "friendship" since college - that was 20 years ago. It's lonely and it can be challenging. Nice video, thanks for sharing! ♥
When you are sad and want to talk to your friends they say, sorry, I'm not a doctor. why don't you go see a therapist.
The greatest gift my parents ever gave me is my little brother. Friends come and go, but family is forever. Whenever I needed a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to, he's always there.
Exactly. After God, it's my family. My siblings and I travel together, eat together, go on walks together.
Family above all.
"Everything for the family."
-The Drood Motto
You’re very lucky…I can’t deal with my family
My best friend was my brother, I really feel like if he wasn’t my brother in one way or another he would have been my best friend. He passed away 4 years at the age of 19. Since then I have felt numb, craving for a relationship like we had… it is impossible to recreate it. Miss him more everyday❤️😞
I'm so sorry to hear that. My deepest condolences to you. My brother is my best friend, too. I'll hold onto our friendship tightly.
🙏 it's so sad to hear. it needs a lot of time to restore from such a trauma.
Frienship is interesting. Some things I have learned along the way:
- Don't throw away friendships because pride or menial reasons. I have seen many friendships falls because of pety fights over fixable boundries or misunderstandings.
- You need to let go of the idea that all frienships need to fufill the same rolls.. There are different people you meet for different reasons and forcing one to fufill the needs of another just sets you up for disappointment. IE, your work friends are different from your school friends who are different from that one friend you met at an event who are different from family friends and so forth. Once you separate that notion that all friends need to fufill the same needs, you'll start to create lasting relationships. I have friends that I enjoy going out to the club or eating at fancy dinners and have friends the love watching anime and building model figures. I don't expect the same things from both groups and I know what needs to be nurtured between both of them.
- Be real and genuine and you'll attract the people you are meant to be with (or more so have an easier time finding the ones who really mean something to you). I cannot stress this one enough because if you are forcing yourself to get along with a person, you aren't doing you or the other person a favor and just creating more sadness and frustration for yourself.
- But also, in this day and age where we have switched the extreme mentality of givign everything you have for a person/group to being self centered/"if its not what I want/want to do, I don't care", you need to put in the leg work and make sure you are contributing to building the relationship. A relationship doesnt work only one way and if the grounds are there to build the friendship, don't just sit on it. I have parted ways with friends who only would do things they want to do and not put any effort into realizing how I felt about things or doing things I wanted to do. I am glad I am letting go of those relationships but the truth is, this is the hardest part and probably the reason why a lot of people are losing friends. There's just no work being put in to do things that benefits both parties.
My personal experience is that I’m traumatized by friendships. All of the ex friendships I had were horrendously toxic. Those women were all varying degrees of narcissists who would eventually degrade me and make me feel bad about being myself. I was pressured by them to be like them or I was considered “weird”. There were two who took advantage of me (for my home and resources), one slept with both my ex-husband and my ex-boyfriend. There was one who talked about me behind my back to others.
So, NO, I no longer want to “be friends” with anyone. I would rather live in peace and serenity on my own. I make myself happy and enjoy my accomplishments on my own just fine, thank you.
Whoa! That was a terrible thing to go through. I am sooooo sorry about that! I hope you are in a much better place now and truly happy finding your peace. ❤❤
As an empath with a long history of being used and abused, not just by friends but because it happened with family that made that happen with 'friends,' and co-workers, I'm thankful to say that trauma therapy and PTSD counseling is helping, along with my faith for endurance. We attract narcissists as empaths. So, you MUST go through healing because "our wounds are not our fault, but healing is our responsibility" and while I'm sorry to hear what happened and I have my own litany of pain and suffering, just don't forget to do the healing. I'd say I'm here for you (sometimes I want to start a support group for people like us but I'm tired of having to do it ALL, all the time. I'm disabled now and every one is gone since I didn't "heal" in their time, meanwhile, I helped every one else with the colds when I was dying..and when I was no longer of use? It's bad...screen addictions made it worse.
I agree. I’m not anti friend. I just made a decision after years of non friends that from then on I would only have friends that brought something good to my life. If they were neutral or negative I don’t need it.
Haven’t had a friend since. I’m happier now by far.
same
I completely understand where you're coming from. All the best to you.
Finding friends is easy, but maintaining a friendship is hard. It takes constant and active effort from both sides. Especially in today's dystopian world where you can't even meet someone outside without having to spend money, people need to constantly move because of work, etc. I consider myself lucky because: 1) my two closest friends are also my colleagues and we work in the same office room for nearly 10 years (we applied together) 2) we live in the same city so it's easy to visit each other's homes and hang out without spending money 3) we constantly discover new hobbies and interests together that we all like. This gives a huge advantage.
Yes I agree! Although I would say that "meeting people is easy, making (and keeping) friends is hard. A lot of the time we can't get past small talk or superficial interactions. For me at least, creating a connection that feels authentic can be a real challenge.
After getting betrayed by my "closest friends" time and time again, I don't know if I believe in true friendship anymore. I'm still holding onto hope but I don't want to get disappointed again.
Same here, I don't even think my best friend knows she betrayed me which says a lot about her morals. I think the more times you go through a betrayal like that, the less you'll want to try to find new friends again... I definitely have trust issues in regards to every single person nowadays :(
I’m in the same boat - a once very close longtime friend, I think because of envy (some people want what they don’t have and that was the case here from my perception of events) started betraying me in very passive-aggressive ways. I didn’t catch on at first to what he was doing but after a while it became obvious. It was very hurtful as well.
I am now in the final stages of exiting from the friendship and want nothing to do with him any longer. But the fallout from this is that I am very leery about opening myself up to a potential new friend because of not just this one experience I just described but some others as well. In a way that’s too bad because I have probably shut the door on what might have been some very rewarding friendships.
I know one thing for sure - it is a lot harder to make good friends as you get older. I remember when I was 10 years old I had to go to a different elementary school because the school boundaries changed. On the first day at my new school I walked on to the campus and saw a bunch of kids playing kickball before class. I just walked up to them and asked if I could play and they said “sure” and after 10-15 minutes I felt perfectly comfortable with all these new 10 year olds and made friends at this new school very easily.
It sure isn’t that way anymore………..
If you don't match society's norms it can be hard to have a deep level of connection in a friendship. When that happens you would get more joy out of solitude.
Right. It feels like friendships these days carry a sense of transactionality. I find myself feeling like I have to be "interesting" or "entertaining" enough for people to want to spend time with me and make it worth their while. :/
I agree but at the same time the loneliness can be crippling at times. I'm deeply introverted and also jaded - relationship building as we age feels utterly transactional and shallow and frankly, doesn't seem to be worth the effort often times. Still, it gets lonely
m2 If the transactionality is so wrong, why won't you make friends with some unemployed illegal immigrants from Yemen or Somali? Give them a free accommodation at your area and some money just out of "friendship", and spend a weekend listening to their condescending stories about Allah. Oh, let me guess, this plan is not "interesting" or "entertaining" enough, huh?
@@notaburneraccount 100% agree
@@codered4422 yeah that's right although there are plenty of homeless people or old broke people who woud be happy to become friends too
Another thing that is not talked about is that it's hard to make friends as an adult with people that have lost their inner child. I try to cultivate the inner child i have left by learning new things/skills/hobbies to deal with the loneliness, but once you go out and meet people you definitely get the sense that some people are so miserable that they NEED social interaction and that can be uncomfortable. As an adult i finally understand the quote "misery seeks company" and its helped me avoid many emotionally unstable adults
Idk the way you say that feels a bit predestined/fated where people who have had the misfortune of inner child are just people who are miserable and you should avoid? I'm sorry but aren't ppl like that sometimes also mature, and experienced/wise? People who are just acting the same as in their 20s/teens and trying to maintain that, aren't 'better' friends. How does losing inner child mean emotionally unstable? That's very mean-spirited to say about other ppl. It sounds a bit like; 'Oh you go through trauma, ur just emotionally unstable, i don't want to risk being friends with you'. Maybe some, few, friendships are commitment and not just casual.
@@GuineaPigEveryday if your reference for your inner child is in your 20s/teens, then I’m sorry I don’t think you truly understand what having an inner child means or maybe you never cultivated one. I’m talking about about having child like wonder&zeal to do/learn anything you want to keep yourself occupied. That’s not something you experience in your 20s/teens. Those are the times when we’re peer pressured which causes us to lose that childlike innocence. So we’re talking about two different stages in someone’s life
@mericanmodi8479okay, what you said sounds pretty judgmental because you're drawing a conclusion about those who simply made the wrong decisions in life. You're saying that their poor decisions had "destroyed their inner child", therefore, you don't find them to be a "perfect fit" in society.
I don't know if you're realizing what you're saying..
Or maybe help them? Surely they aren't so unbearable that it's impossible to hang out with them. Doesn't it make you feel good that hanging out with them makes them feel better?
@@dcode1000I'm 21 and have looked for new skills/hobbies to keep me occupied, idk what you're talking about
I’m a 21 year old woman. Throughout my life I’ve had multiple close friends, but then the pandemic hit right when I graduated high school. Most of my friends moved away and we couldn’t graduate together or see each other in any meaningful way before we all moved apart. Then we all moved to different cities where we knew little to no one. I don’t have social media and people don’t stay in touch through messages or phone calls really anymore. Because of the pandemic I had to do my first 2 years of college online, which made it impossible to make any friends. Only “friends” I’ve made in this time are coworkers but those are more like acquaintances and because of long and opposite commutes it’s almost impossible to find time to hangout together outside of work. Plus most people, when they do have the time, would rather spend that with a romantic partner rather than a friend. Just kind of puts a lot of people my age in impossible situation. Most people my age historically make friends through college or going to party areas but people don’t do that stuff much anymore.
The traditional 40 hr work week also makes it really difficult to find the time.. seriously on my 2 days off I have to do all my cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, errands, etc. and then squeeze any time I can into spending time with my boyfriend.. idk how people do it honestly.
I still am relatively close with one friend I’ve been friends with since elementary but we live 40 minutes away and have opposite schedules. Usually only text her and can see each other maybe once a month if we are lucky and typically that means one of us has to call out of work. Just a struggle! When I first noticed I had little to no time with friends I honestly felt ashamed and thought it was because something was wrong with me.. now with time I’ve seen that I’m perfectly capable of making many friends, as I’ve done my entire life, it’s just most people rarely have the time anymore. It’s truly sad. Hopefully I escape this rat race soon, fingers crossed.
Emphasis on the 40 hr work week and commutes/no walkable communities making it impossible. And many people in their 20s don't have the money to spend time with their friends because nearly every way to spend time together costs money. We're going to have it to solve this together... but that means working with strangers since we don't have friends to collaborate with haha.
Sadly, there is only one way to escape this kind of problem: cutting back on material expectations, career ect.
Sadly, there is only one way to escape this kind of problem: cutting back on material expectations, career ect.
21 yo as well. I'll put it straight, let's try to be friends?
@@kalbsleber I am 36 and completely disagree. For the last two years I have been single and working in an office for the first time in my life and I have never been so lonely or desperate for company. And I do have friends. Capitalism is hell.
This is quite insightful. Regarding parents being busy with parenting, I would argue that many middle class parents live vicariously through their kids. Carting them all around for sports and other costly activities. They take photos, post them on their Facebook, gloat about their families, all while pretending things are perfect. You can't get close to people who want to put on an image of perfection, because they won't be vulnerable with you. Without vulnerability relationships will not grow beyond a certain point.
I’m a parent and would love my friends to be around but as soon as I became a parent they’re just like see you in 10 years
@@jlind3891 I feel like it's the opposite. I ditched one friend that became pregnant when we were 18. Super young, so we both didn't know how to handle the situation but the fact that I couldn't even talk to her on the phone for two consecutive minutes because her baby was interfering or that she was never available as a single human being, only with her +1. We were not able to hold a conversation, we were not able to do fun things, I just didn't see the point anymore. There is not much of a choice as a single parent and the first months are going to be tough either way. But at some point, parents have to enforce some boundaries so they get to partake in roles other than just being a mom/dad 24/7.
I wish my non parent friends would consider me as valuable before I had kids.
It's really a problem on two fronts.
One, you got social media that encourages people to look as picture perfect as possible, and build a facade of themselves on sand.
And the other is just this social stigma that you're some sort of social outcast when you have no close friends, even when you're just friendly to everyone, worst case scenario you'd be called the quiet kid in the class who has a gun in his bag or something.
I think there's also the fact that nobody has enough time even when you get past those problems
social media is an illusion.
The thing is there are people who make friends more easily than others because of their personality. This is amplified because of instagram. If we plus what you said, it's much easier to shut oneself in because the level of effort needed to reach the necessary threshold is higher than it used to be. And to be frank, even though instgram raised the bar on beauty and everything, people didn't really change. If anything, I feel like people are less attractive than they used to be. So it's way easier to prefer isolation for all those reasons. The standard went up but people actually in general got worse. And people don't have patience for anything these days but they work longer hours. No time, no energy, but higher standard (which is built on false notions) and most importantly no patience = no place for friendships = current situation
@@hahahahaha7824 I agree here. I really find it sad just how many high school teenagers-nearly-adults (17-ish) decide to get piercings for whatever reason they have when in reality, I'd probably like them far more if they were fully natural.
I wish I could say "it's fine if you like yourself that way more", but I'd be a hypocrite since it's mixing my opinion with someone else's, the former of which is already negative. I think more applicable is "I respect your choice but it has consequences on the perceived attractiveness".
Fuck social media. Having friends on Social media is what masturbating to a porn magazine is to sex.
I'd like to add a possible other reason why friendship is more difficult than before: the hysterical political climate is dividing many people. Every topic that was trivial in the past is now a moral issue. It makes difficult to have friends and even to maintain family relationships.
This is Huge. There’s still people I can’t talk to since that horrible 2016 election. People have gone bonkers with hatred and misinformation.
@@maryperry1773Yes, the people who didn’t like the results of that election are more likely to be the ones who cut others off than vice versa...
I think it's good to admit you need friendship in your life. Yes, we need a friend or friends, but not just any "friend". We need quality friends. Friends who genuinely like us and not just what we can do for them. Friends who are emotionally available and not seeking free therapy sessions or a second parent. So, not just any "friend" will do. I'm hoping at some point I get the chance to connect with people on the same page. We all need healthy and genuine connection👍
I couldnt agree more. Very well said.
very true, I do believe that a connection (even if not the exact one we want, and obviously not harmful), is better than no connection...and sometimes it takes time to build it into a quality one, any relationship is built and created together, I do believe we can create that intentionally too. I have had friends that initially were not the closest and now I call my close friends...I think openness to the ebb and flow and evolution of a friendship is important
Man needs community, it’s a basic fact of our existenxe
Yes 1000% thank you for mentioning the second parent and free therapy session "friends" I had those friends and once I started placing boundaries they become so fake and mean toward me that I had to leave those friendships it's like they only wanted me so they could trauma dump instead of a real supportive friendship. I don't mind listening and helping people in crisis but I don't want an entire friendship to be me helping them out of crisis after crisis and it be so one sided that they can't even be bothered to celebrate my birthday or even ask how I am doing. It's almost better to be alone then have those friends because at least you don't have someone sucking the life out of you. I agree with what you said and I hope you have the chance to gain real and genuine connections with authentic friends on the same page as you.
@@magda1875 no. If the relationship is shit you can't turn it to gold. i learned that the hard way. better to be alone then miserable with bad people
Real friendship for me is, when you enjoy spending time together and talking about anything. With a good friend you never ran out of things to talk about. You feel detoxed and happier in general. Yes, you do things together, whatever your common interests are, but sometimes you go for a walk and that’s great (doesn’t cost $).
Absolutely agree! Just a simple walk or sit down talk with a java. I miss those days a lot. Seems everyone is 'too busy' in the rat race since pandemic and no time for a simple email or get together.
I have friends who like to form friendship so they'd have intimate audiences
With a true friend, you don't have to 'do' anything. You can both be comfortable in the same room, one knitting, the other reading. Then one of you can start up a random convo, talk it out, and continue with your activity. You are comfortable in each other's company without constant need for validation.
I know I'm late but I want to say that reaching that level of friendship is something that requires a lot of time and effort. It's important to remember that friendships typically have to start at a basic level so don't expect that to happen quickly. Also maybe some people want to do more active things with friends and that's not enough for them.
@@l.5832 This!!!
In my late teens, I realized how important friendships are. I started investing a lot of time into my friends and I'm glad to say it got me a wife in my early 20s and I have a few very close friends. What we've learned from having a closely knit group is not only always having someone to talk to, help with your problems, play games with. But with our economy falling, we find a group of friends willing to live together, makes it incredibly affordable to live and thrive to live our dreams. The only sacrifice is space. Its cozy, but at least we don't have to work 60hrs a week for some corporation. We can work on what matters to us and as long as it makes even minimum wage is enough with all of us pitching in and taking care of each other
You are exactly why I don't have or want friends. Everything you mentioned screams "I need help with life". Sounds like you live in a old hippy commune.
Hobo
That's definitely not for everyone. On one hand, it's really fun, especially when you're very young. But what about privacy, intimacy, etc? And everyone having different schedules. (I'm not judging in any way, just curious)
Sounds good Tannar. May I ask what is the country you guys live?
This isn't a bad idea when your young just make sure in all the fun and chaos you are establishing yourself in some way for yourself and a family while keeping the social circle.
In the last 10 years I've lost %90 of my 'friends'.
Everyone claiming to be "too busy" to even engage in conversation or sometimes even to reply to text. Were more connected, yet, more isolated than any other time in modern history.
The way I see it is this:
If you're too busy to reply to an invitation, too busy to listen to a song, look at a picture etc- then I'm sorry but you are "poor".
When the world is too busy to care, then we are losing community and all the benefits that come wit this.
WhatsApp memes don't count as "connecting".
We've been deliberately isolated under the guise of the "individual", while it is also important to develop the "self" it is also vital that we preserve "connection "