We find this a very useful exercise. Without thinking too much, complete the following sentence: "If I dared to be more selfish, I would..." Let us know in the comments below.
Tell the makers of phantom of the Opera to remake the movie with a less dry protagonist, a more neunanced story telling and class up the masquerade scene again. Whhaaatt.. you asked ;)
@Mr.Whiskers first of all why does a guy with your attitude even watch these videos 2nd this is about yourself you are your world I will change that thank you.
@@Federik. your first question has a quite simple answer, _why does a guy with your attitude even watch these videos_ you ask. Well, because he is the type of person that needs this kind of videos the most, in the same way that a healthy person doesn't need to go to a hospital.
Giving myself completely to another person has made me bitter and depressed, and I am only 26. Don't waste your time trying to please people who won't be grateful for it. Live your own life.
I learned this the hard way. For the first 35 years of my life i was the nicest, good listening, give you the shirt off of my back guy and it got me nowhere. In just under 4 years after i decided to put myself first, I'm now making way more money, have been fulfilling my passion to travel and am able to give much more freely than I ever was capable of before. You can't help anyone if you cannot help yourself.
I used to be a "selfless" person until one of my friends said to me that I was a selfish person and I realized how stupid I have been. It doesn't matter how selfless you are, truth is, no one gives a shit and I don't blame them. No one has respect for a person who is meek and is submissive to others' demands. Just be yourself and start respecting your own self is the way to go ever since then for me.
If you are born selfless, "just being yourself" means you should just be selfless instead of trying too hard to change for someone else. The solution is to just stay away from those jerks who obviously fail to recognize your qualities, rather than change yourself to fit them. What ur doing sounds very counter-intuitive to me.
"No one has respect for a person who is meek and submissive" not sure where you get this from, I wonder if you would type something totally contrarian given another case and situation as a point of discussion.
I felt this because I had my realization the same way, you give and give and give all to end up being called selfish 💀 Now that I’m working on rebuilding my perception of boundaries I meet a lot of resistance bc people are used to me always helping them out. If I’m rude or mean now, so be it, it’s not done with malice so I’ll sleep fine.
@@powerfulberry237The only person who received respect for being meek and submissive was Jesus Christ, and remember He was crucified because of His meekness. Truthfully we should be more selfish.
@50 I think you got it backwards. If you liked the current state of your society why would you want to travel? Watch into the wild, it's based on a true story... That man is a legend in my eyes.
Remember that there is a difference between been selfish and arrogant. Be self-reliant and be selfish in a way that benefits yourself but dosen't Hurt others! Love the uploads , thanks for sharing !
That is the key component that so many people in the world fail to comprehend, the difference between being selfish and being arrogant. As you said it is okay to be selfish and self reliant, but only in a manner that does not hurt other people and helps you improve yourself (self improvement and self betterment). People really need to learn the difference but they do not.
@@Suna-nb6vd Thank you for your answer Alisha, and yes I see where you coming from. And I know how it feels when you put other aead of you, and that is a good mindset to have don't get me wrong, but as you say, people usually take it for granted and the effort are not usually appreciated compared to the energy put in. Anyways I obviously don't know exactly what you been threw but, taking time aside for yourself and maybe not using so much time and effort on others, then they might realise what they are missing. Hope you doing alright, and take care friend !
@@RealThomasHyldig one of my philosophies that I started living by a few years ago is while I may be the main character of my story, my story is not "the" story of the world.
@@EmpiricalValidity Self-regard is synonymous with self-esteem. Those who hold themselves in high esteem or in high self-regard may be selfish, but selfishness is not a prerequisite for the positive pride of self-regard or self-esteem, which is necessary to defend ones self in this life. Selfishness is rather a cop-out from facing life, a retreat into a narrow-minded comfort zone.
“nobody is specially grateful” I’m so done with this! Ppl takes for granted me, my kindness, my time and my feelings. They know that I’m always there, that I always understand and that I always forgive. Enough.
Look at the School of Life’s video on nice people or something like that and try seeing yourself in that video, if you think you relate to it, seek what you need to change. All the best, I hope this helps💕
I had to responsability for my availability too. I used to always say yes, or put up with crazy things, and then feeling lost, did not know why i would agree. I was very angry at myself for allowing all that. But then I realized that i need to take responsability sure, but also forgive myself, be more respectful and compassionate with myself. After 2 yrs of deep deep depression i took sometime for myself, went to therapy, cleared my relationships. I only focus on myself and what i want now. Watching those video are like reminders. I still have some urges to help, or to respond to a text on the spot, but purposely delay those actions. I dont miss anyone, i do what i want and i'm not doing anything wrong nor that i'm hurting anyone by being my priority. Too much sadness, too many cries and disappointment. I took responsability for allowing people to treat me wrong, and i forgave myself. I hate myself anymore. I'm ready to feel better and live for me without being ashamed or feeling selfish. It's still complicated sometimes, but at least now my priority is me!! It took me a long time, i'm 34. But i also know some people older than me are still stuck. All the best for the rest of your journey!!
Andrew Ackerman thank you for the advices! I’m slowly starting to realize that “boundaries” give us some sort of ”value” in the eyes of others. The hardest you are to reach, the more ppl seem to appreciate you. The problem is that I feel so bad when I’m unavailable! I start thinking things like “how dare you to say no to this invite/favor/call/meeting? You should be grateful that X person wanted to spend their time with you! Who do you think you are to say no?? They won’t call you next time!”. So yeah...I can’t say no and when I do I feel guilty...
Lore Lange there are ppl who spend their whole life without even realizing that they have a problem so yes, I guess that every age is perfect to start working on ourselves and become a better person. I’m slowly starting to convince myself that being selfish in a healthy way, is not only good for us but also for those we love. You can’t love someone if you don’t first love yourself. Was going to a therapist good for you? Cause I’m considering that, but I also think that working on it by myself, may lead me to a much deeper introspection and self knowledge.
I have put myself last on my priorities and it has caused me to begin not seeing myself as a human but just a thing to help people when needed (to be used for pure selfishness). Growing up I was scolded for being selfish in any way but in return it has only made a weak person filled with anger and a lose of self.
@@Lindsweightloss nah that's too invidualtic nobody likes people who thinks big about themselves who have huge egos for nothing u should rather aim for sanity rather self priority:)
@@lovepeaceisneverguaranteed7385 Thank you for sharing your perspective, but I believe that if we put ourselves as a priority, we can give more to the people around us :)
@@Lindsweightloss well thats fine by me but my perspective on this selfishness idea I great but I could like people to help each other more ther already enough ego maniacs in this world u know.
In my opinion the best way to be more selfish is to be more self reliant first. Because much of what we consider selflessness isn't selflessness, but it is fear, neediness and scarcity. Off course this is not always the case, but in any case, the best way to do it is to learn how to do great things for yourself and how to not seek outside.
Dylon Garrett - Investing and Personal Finance That’s where our society crisis comes from. Lack of any proper personal development education for children.
When you have Asian parents that ingrain in you from an early age that you're not allowed to be "selfish" but you have to put yourself first to get ahead in the professional world
Coming from Christianity this is a huge one for me. I was taught to always take the lower seat. To always suffer long and forgive and consider others more highly than myself. Carving out space in my life to be a little selfish has been one of the best decisions ever!
But that way this is phrased is the root of the problem. You call it mean, cause that's what most of us feel it is when we chose our needs or opinions over that of someone else. I would like to call it guarding your personal boundaries. Cause we don't have to be mean, we just have to speak up. It's beautiful to see the needs of others, but we have to get in touch with our needs as well. It's knowing we deserve the same respect and care as we give those around us!
I'm 21 and I came to Earth realizing early on that the people around me made the mistake of doing what's expected of them instead of focusing on self-acutalization and I'm happy I learned this early in life because all I wanna do is travel and wander.
*Enlightened Self-interest* You have to help yourself first, before practicing virtue. Only when you are helping or being kind from a place of abundance, it is a true virtue.
Everything we do is selfish in some form 🤔 Example: helping others is usually done to provide personal satisfaction which is just human nature....nothing wrong with it
In some cases? Sure. But usually? Probably not. Very often it happens because we fear being disliked, judgeg negatively, we think acting nice and helping will make others accept and appreciate us more, which and extremely toxic way to behave and think, that provides no good to the individual.
It's not consciously selfish, if that's the only comment you thought of then you probably didn't get a thing from the video. De botton is talking about active selfishness and making conscious decisions to put yourself first.
I was criticising myself all the time when I act selfishly. Just now, I was feeling so bad thinking how selfish I was and then I saw this video. Thank you School of life.
Thank you so much for this. I gave to my family until the age of 59 and wasted my true life.. its too late to change that and I so regret it but that was my path. I am working to change it.
Define selfish. I would rather receive help from someone who is truly willing and able to help, than someone who does it out of obligation. Sometimes, saying No is the healthiest thing one can do. Destroying one's own wellbeing for the sake of others is not the right thing to do in every situation. For example, if someone, a family member for example, is a drug addict, and decides to to help themselves to your money to buy more drugs, should you let them? Considering that drug addicts often give up everything to get their next fix, sometimes resorting to violence, and/or just hurting everyone and everyone around them? Life always asks these types of hard questions and you have to answer them in your own time, and in your own way. It is not for me or anyone else to ask you anything but to answer honestly. Until you do, you have an opinion, but you don't have truth.
I love this, just LOVE it. I love the sound of the man's voice, the tone, the content, the visuals. This speaks straight to my heart. Thank you so much.
I tried this, being more selfish for myself, dare to say 'no' , I can say that I am at a good place now ❤ happier than ever Btw, I love your work School of Life! Keep going!
I grew up being way too selfless because my Mom raised me that way. And it became the reason why I hated myself for way too long but after I have realized self-care, I started to feel less depressed because I somehow learned to prioritize myself more. But still I couldn't easily ignore calls from friends even though when they can't do the same thing towards me. I hope I'll be well soon.
Selfishness is such a loaded word. More accurately, prioritizing oneself has all sorts of benefits...including making your other important relationships better. There's nothing more corrosive than resentment. Spending a part of your life every week, month and year doing things just for you... can make you a better, happier and more effective person in all aspects of your life.
I am guilty of this and at 43 have learned it ruined most of my life. I now dgaf about anyone but me and my 3 children and i even tell them time is running thin since i fought their mom for 15yrs just to know them. I'm now close to freedom and will never look back. Thx as always 👍
@Andrew Ackerman, in my opinion, you are wise and your perspective is definitely worth considering and keeping in mind. Wow, going by your pic you look rather young, how do you know so much already? I’m a little older, not necessarily wiser, lol, and I’ve reached a stage in my life where I’m tired of being a people pleaser, always putting others first, family, friends, etc. I want MY OWN life now, but ironically when I’m am not at everyone’s immediate disposal, it tends to p*** them off. I’m learning how to deal with that, and for the first time in my life consider MY health and well-being. I have to add that this DOES NOT apply if you have the responsibility of raising children or even caring for an elderly parent. Anyhow, I love your calm, rational approach and if you are married and/or have children I think that they are fortunate to have your wisdom in their lives.
My mother has always taught me that we should only share if we have an abundance but if not don’t. Coming from a poor family who lived in the slums and can barely eat three times a day, this has always been my motto. I will only share mine if I have an extra, if not Im sorry. Now our family has a house in a respectable neighborhood and now I am at a university. People are surprised by how much we changed our life but its all about putting the need of yourself and your family first before others.
I became selfish over time, and my life drastically improved. Societal expectations of kindness are silly. I’m nice, but very selective of when I am. And I always give from the heart and expect nothing in return. I’m selfish the rest of the time, haha.
I try to be selfless and typically I suppress a lot of what I really want to do. This leads to anger and resentment to others and also myself. When I start placing less focus on others and more on myself, I feel better, I’m happier, have more energy and able to accomplish a lot more. Word of advice, you are your world, so place yourself first then give to others later, which will be far more rich and fulfilling
This video came exactly when I needed it. My whole life I've put other people first, and now finally, am taking well-deserved time to myself. I was feeling guilty about it all, but this video reassured me it's the right thing for me to do. Thank you.
TSL films are like weekly therapy sessions; each one prompts me to work on something relevant throughout the week. It’s both enlightening and encouraging. I’m very grateful. Inwards and upwards! 🍭
I can completely relate to this. The problem with me, however, is that, not only was I taught to be more selfless, but my elders were very strict and rigid and so most of the times, it was me who had to bend to their wishes while they never cared to bend to my wishes for once. The problem I think, is when people are very rigid and they do not allow for anything to be, that is not to their preference. And, so you become a person that they want you to be, while never really exploring who you are. What I'm trying to say is, that it's one thing to advice someone to be more selfless, but it's another to emotional blacmail him to be the sort of person you want him to be i.e. to intentionally take advantage of his good virtue. Similar things have happened in my past and it saddens me that I cannot go back and fix everything. I have no idea what I have become. I would like to go back and relive my life and make choices that made the most sense to me, instead of the ones that my elders liked for me. I would like to urge anyone, who is young and still growing, never to take the advice of being selfless, too seriously, and to make the choices that you want to make, or else you'll regret it afterwards when you'll have a big hole inside of yourself that you'll find really difficult to fill.
There are people who will always take your kindness for granted and never properly appreciate it. You are only wasting your time trying to help them, when they don't even care about your help
I can't say NO! to people. That's my greatest weakness. I wish I can muster up some courage to say No! to people's inconsiderate demands without feeling guilty.
I used to have that problem. Realized I equated service for love. That's flawed. Doing things for people doesn't guarantee love. Saying no doesn't guarantee people won't love you, inversely. I think you should really really ask yourself why you can't say no, and remember that NO is a complete sentence on its own.
yeeeep. i really needed this video. especially right now. someone i love hurt me very badly and there’s a large part of me that wants to hastily forgive him because i want him to be happy and i want to get back to the norm, but im still raw and hurt. sometimes i have clarity in selfishness versus self-regard, but a lot of the time i honestly don’t know if my selfishness is good or bad, but hopefully someday ill figure it out.
Gladly people around me learned now why I'm "selfish" sometimes. There's times that you really need something done and need to open hand of another things, it can be hard, but beneficial, people will understand eventually if you're not being selfish in a harmful way.
While I truly believe we should be there for each other, I also agree that there has to be certain degree of selfishness (I call it healthy selfishness to distinguish from toxic egoism). If you deplete your energy and mental/emotional capacities by helping others and essentially living their lives, and if you don’t do enough for youself as a person, how can you be there for others? Even on the plane they say that in case of emergency we should first put our own masks before assisting others or kids. There is a reason for that!
everything in this video is FACTS, its exactly how i feel today and everyday, i have sacrificed 12 years for my family and they dont care about any of the hardship it took me to get there, its my original family not my own, so its time to branch off and let this ship sink and start my own family so i can finally enjoy life again.
There's a big difference between self preservation and selfishness ! Preserve yourselves first, you have an obligation to yourself first, as no one has to be responsible for you !
I study here with active listening. I learned my back pain is a feeling of no support and constantly running, working, I've learned so much here, this is kind soft place and a place of where its ok to talk.Thank you Thank you
I constantly tell my daughter’s when they ask why did someone do something bad my response is because they were being too selfish. That we’re all born selfish and the smarter ones fight through it and understand that helping others helps you.
Selfish is a very loaded word. Growing up with this word was used against many of us. We were groomed to be caretakers of others not ourselves. It's our conditioning if you like. And its difficult to change.
This hits home. As a young adult in the 21st century, I find that due to huge societal problems such as climate change, I constantly feel a burden that I should act towards the common interest (not eat meat, buy less clothes, not use a washing machine, etcetera.) It's a constant struggle to, even though you want to do actions that are better for the health of our planet, it often clashes with one's own desires. This might be a thing of all times, but I feel like this balance has become more difficult to maintain in the 21st century (also considering the massive amount of knowledge that is out there about the negative effects of our actions).
But we must also realise that even if we do devote everything to helping the world. Most won't care, most won't know and the change you've made will be miniscule in the scheme of things. Instead of being overwhelmed I feel we need to realise it shouldn't matter how the world is after we're dead because we won't be there anyway. I know this thought can sound evil but our one life is final and I want to choose living over salvation. As long as I'm not purposefully hurting others I will try to live my own intuition. Be true to yourself and not those who tell you that you owe them.
In most possible examples it is dirty word. But yeah, it isn't fully. Just like the word ,,touch''. So many claws to tear apart, a few human hands that perfectly understand all the boundaries. To look for the order; the same comes with ego
Ego is like the world's strongest force. Its like fire. It might burn u if handled carelessly(destroy u) but if used correctly it can illuminate ur entire life. For example:- If u told someone ur goals say u quit smoking, ppl will see how are u doing. But when u cant keep the word of ur tongue ,the world will insult just for their entertainment. But this will hurt ur ego and ur brain knows this. Hence it wont let u smoke.
Thanks for the insightful replies. But my comment was actually intended to be a joke, which is lost on those who don't live in Australia. Just look up "Skyhooks Ego Is Not A Dirty Word" if you want to see what I'm referring to :-D
Positive selfishness is to think of oneself"s needs or dreams without hurting others and to say no to people taking advantage of one's kindness without neglecting responsibilities to family or society.
I'm just at this stage...this week!! How fitting- not sure my boyfriend is going to like it, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it 😊 51 years of others 1st, it's now my time 🕰
The main problem over here is the fact, that the others are selfish, because if everyone would ultimately work on the giving side, While being honest with gentleness, there would be mutual understanding and respecting of the emotional boundaries in general.
Buddhism has a concept called 'Jigyo Keta' which translates from Japanese as 'Practice for oneself and practice for others'- both are important. If you don't care for yourself, you can't care for others. On the other hand, if you only cared for yourself without thinking of your impact on others, it is an insular and selfish life indeed.
U guys stalking me or what?!? I definitely needed this. Have been hurt many times by selfish creatures. I think I know now where I have been wrong all along. So two words - THANK YOU!
Maybe a middle or younger sibling. The oldest tends to be more on the nurturing and selfless side. But I'm only speaking from my own experience as aloder sibling
@@pengu1nmusic True but I think that's more so of a subjective point of view. I think people associate the word "selfish" more so with only thinking about your own well being while brushing others off. I think self-care is more so about taking care of your own needs and the crucial essentials which provide you with a healthier living.
I believe that what you should do in these situations is ask yourself "are you truly happy being good to others?" "Does it fulfill you?". You should think about your happiness and well-being first. It may not be easy sometimes but that is what is most important at the end of the day.
Rubbish! No one is that selfless. If you put others' needs before your own then it is either from fear or because you are getting something in return that you are in denial over. In fact, just making that statement is an act of selfishness! Lol The ego: god's great banana skin, and sneakiest of sneaks.
"If I'm not for myself, who will be for me and if I'm only for myself, what am I?" famous ancient quote by Rabbi Hillel. Still applies even to this day! "Unto thine own self be true", ...written on the Gates of Delphi in ancient Greece and also by the late great William Shakespeare.
The issue I have in this line of thinking is that the reason we collectively end up in a situation where altruism/selflessness is an overall negative in people's lives is because most people dont live by altruistic virtue in the first place. Most people are incredibly selfish and that attitude is only exaggerated by modern culture. It creates a dynamic where the only options are complete enabling and complete self absorption
Yes!!! Been telling myself to be more selfish lately!! I used to be told that I was very bossy and a queen b and I didn’t like that because it was perceived as negative so I tried to downplay my independence and leadership tendencies in order to get along better with people but I turned into a pushover and now so many people put themselves over me knowing that I’ll let them BUT now I’m tired of being ignored or being put in second place I WILL BE THAT BITCH AGAIN!!!
We find this a very useful exercise. Without thinking too much, complete the following sentence: "If I dared to be more selfish, I would..." Let us know in the comments below.
Thank you, I needed to be selfish
If I dared to be more selfish, I would be considered mean
If I dared to be more selfish, I would get lonely.
If I dared to be more selfish, I would put myself first
Tell the makers of phantom of the Opera to remake the movie with a less dry protagonist, a more neunanced story telling and class up the masquerade scene again.
Whhaaatt.. you asked ;)
Dont burn yourself to be the light in someone else life.
well said
@Mr.Whiskers I'm thankful he/she commented this.
@Mr.Whiskers first of all why does a guy with your attitude even watch these videos 2nd this is about yourself you are your world I will change that thank you.
I like don't light yourself on fire to warm others better but this is good too
@@Federik. your first question has a quite simple answer, _why does a guy with your attitude even watch these videos_ you ask. Well, because he is the type of person that needs this kind of videos the most, in the same way that a healthy person doesn't need to go to a hospital.
Giving myself completely to another person has made me bitter and depressed, and I am only 26. Don't waste your time trying to please people who won't be grateful for it. Live your own life.
me too and im 18 :'(
i too learned it the hard way .
Me too and I'm 20😶
True dat!
Lelei _ Lucky for you to have known wisdom at such a tender age. Unless the person is good enough for the cover of GQ or Vogue, don’t worship them.
I learned this the hard way. For the first 35 years of my life i was the nicest, good listening, give you the shirt off of my back guy and it got me nowhere. In just under 4 years after i decided to put myself first, I'm now making way more money, have been fulfilling my passion to travel and am able to give much more freely than I ever was capable of before. You can't help anyone if you cannot help yourself.
Kick ass dude!!
Well done you! I need to take that advice and run with it. Thx
Thank u for sharing ur story!
Well done mate, and honestly I could tell the exact same story...still on the path to fully put myself first...to achieve my purpose and my happiness.
@@joulsw3739 Is been 7 months sincd you took it for a run, can I borrowed it? 😅
I used to be a "selfless" person until one of my friends said to me that I was a selfish person and I realized how stupid I have been. It doesn't matter how selfless you are, truth is, no one gives a shit and I don't blame them. No one has respect for a person who is meek and is submissive to others' demands. Just be yourself and start respecting your own self is the way to go ever since then for me.
Feels this man
If you are born selfless, "just being yourself" means you should just be selfless instead of trying too hard to change for someone else.
The solution is to just stay away from those jerks who obviously fail to recognize your qualities, rather than change yourself to fit them. What ur doing sounds very counter-intuitive to me.
"No one has respect for a person who is meek and submissive" not sure where you get this from, I wonder if you would type something totally contrarian given another case and situation as a point of discussion.
I felt this because I had my realization the same way, you give and give and give all to end up being called selfish 💀 Now that I’m working on rebuilding my perception of boundaries I meet a lot of resistance bc people are used to me always helping them out. If I’m rude or mean now, so be it, it’s not done with malice so I’ll sleep fine.
@@powerfulberry237The only person who received respect for being meek and submissive was Jesus Christ, and remember He was crucified because of His meekness. Truthfully we should be more selfish.
If I dared to be more selfish, I would spend more time with myself, travel and try to disconect with society's life as much as possible
nice one Michael :)
Maybe that's what it would take to learn to appreciate people and society.
And do it😎
@50probably to see all kind of natur beauty and to be with himself, and socialize less as possible
@50 I think you got it backwards. If you liked the current state of your society why would you want to travel? Watch into the wild, it's based on a true story... That man is a legend in my eyes.
Remember that there is a difference between been selfish and arrogant. Be self-reliant and be selfish in a way that benefits yourself but dosen't Hurt others! Love the uploads , thanks for sharing !
That is the key component that so many people in the world fail to comprehend, the difference between being selfish and being arrogant. As you said it is okay to be selfish and self reliant, but only in a manner that does not hurt other people and helps you improve yourself (self improvement and self betterment). People really need to learn the difference but they do not.
@@Suna-nb6vd Thank you for your answer Alisha, and yes I see where you coming from. And I know how it feels when you put other aead of you, and that is a good mindset to have don't get me wrong, but as you say, people usually take it for granted and the effort are not usually appreciated compared to the energy put in. Anyways I obviously don't know exactly what you been threw but, taking time aside for yourself and maybe not using so much time and effort on others, then they might realise what they are missing.
Hope you doing alright, and take care friend !
@@Firstborn0Raz I'm really stoked about you ageering, and people see it the way I do thank you a lot !
@@RealThomasHyldig one of my philosophies that I started living by a few years ago is while I may be the main character of my story, my story is not "the" story of the world.
@@Firstborn0Raz That's some deep Sh*t bro !
THIS is not selfishness. This is self-regard.
Dale Reynolds I like that
Self- regard is a euphemism for selfishness, or as the video suggests, it's the positive aspect of selfishness.
@@EmpiricalValidity Self-regard is synonymous with self-esteem. Those who hold themselves in high esteem or in high self-regard may be selfish, but selfishness is not a prerequisite for the positive pride of self-regard or self-esteem, which is necessary to defend ones self in this life. Selfishness is rather a cop-out from facing life, a retreat into a narrow-minded comfort zone.
...or self loyalty, self care, self respect...the antidotes to
co-dependency
To thine own self be true ☺
Whatever it is, the Ayn Rand fanboys are gonna run wild with it.
Don't ask me to do something for you that you wouldn't do for me .
👍👏👏
Exactly.
Yea.
good one!
Correct bro @hosny shakur
“nobody is specially grateful”
I’m so done with this! Ppl takes for granted me, my kindness, my time and my feelings.
They know that I’m always there, that I always understand and that I always forgive.
Enough.
Look at the School of Life’s video on nice people or something like that and try seeing yourself in that video, if you think you relate to it, seek what you need to change. All the best, I hope this helps💕
I had to responsability for my availability too.
I used to always say yes, or put up with crazy things, and then feeling lost, did not know why i would agree. I was very angry at myself for allowing all that. But then I realized that i need to take responsability sure, but also forgive myself, be more respectful and compassionate with myself.
After 2 yrs of deep deep depression i took sometime for myself, went to therapy, cleared my relationships. I only focus on myself and what i want now.
Watching those video are like reminders.
I still have some urges to help, or to respond to a text on the spot, but purposely delay those actions.
I dont miss anyone, i do what i want and i'm not doing anything wrong nor that i'm hurting anyone by being my priority.
Too much sadness, too many cries and disappointment. I took responsability for allowing people to treat me wrong, and i forgave myself. I hate myself anymore.
I'm ready to feel better and live for me without being ashamed or feeling selfish.
It's still complicated sometimes, but at least now my priority is me!!
It took me a long time, i'm 34. But i also know some people older than me are still stuck.
All the best for the rest of your journey!!
Andrew Ackerman thank you for the advices! I’m slowly starting to realize that “boundaries” give us some sort of ”value” in the eyes of others.
The hardest you are to reach, the more ppl seem to appreciate you.
The problem is that I feel so bad when I’m unavailable! I start thinking things like “how dare you to say no to this invite/favor/call/meeting? You should be grateful that X person wanted to spend their time with you! Who do you think you are to say no?? They won’t call you next time!”.
So yeah...I can’t say no and when I do I feel guilty...
J'ru J'ru thank you, I will!
Lore Lange there are ppl who spend their whole life without even realizing that they have a problem so yes, I guess that every age is perfect to start working on ourselves and become a better person.
I’m slowly starting to convince myself that being selfish in a healthy way, is not only good for us but also for those we love.
You can’t love someone if you don’t first love yourself.
Was going to a therapist good for you? Cause I’m considering that, but I also think that working on it by myself, may lead me to a much deeper introspection and self knowledge.
I have put myself last on my priorities and it has caused me to begin not seeing myself as a human but just a thing to help people when needed (to be used for pure selfishness). Growing up I was scolded for being selfish in any way but in return it has only made a weak person filled with anger and a lose of self.
start making yourself top of the priority list :)
@@Lindsweightloss nah that's too invidualtic nobody likes people who thinks big about themselves who have huge egos for nothing u should rather aim for sanity rather self priority:)
@@lovepeaceisneverguaranteed7385 Thank you for sharing your perspective, but I believe that if we put ourselves as a priority, we can give more to the people around us :)
@@Lindsweightloss well thats fine by me but my perspective on this selfishness idea I great but I could like people to help each other more ther already enough ego maniacs in this world u know.
@Finnatic333 I really feel you. Lost myself as well and just dont know who I am. Just feel like a people pleasing robot.
In my opinion the best way to be more selfish is to be more self reliant first. Because much of what we consider selflessness isn't selflessness, but it is fear, neediness and scarcity. Off course this is not always the case, but in any case, the best way to do it is to learn how to do great things for yourself and how to not seek outside.
Exactly I agree !
So very true!!
*Being selfish can be a good thing*
I was raised to think it was bad
peace luna does that make us... friends 🙃
Dylon Garrett - Investing and Personal Finance That’s where our society crisis comes from. Lack of any proper personal development education for children.
Same
its a terrible vice and the hamartia of humanity
Selfishness is a bad thing
I learned at a young age that you do have to be selfish or otherwise you won't be you anymore.
I agree :)
Ok
Ain't that the truth 💯
That's true
Idk.. I im not selfish i cant change that i can say no i dont care what people think about me. I just care and love everyone .
When you have Asian parents that ingrain in you from an early age that you're not allowed to be "selfish" but you have to put yourself first to get ahead in the professional world
The video came at the time when i was thinking how selfish i am!
@@notioner Thank you :)
Be selfish! Being selfish prevents oneself from selling a soul to someone completely stranger.
@@notioner "self respect" You've described this perfectly
seek selflessness.
Oh no... Dont get it twisted. You ARE a selfish bitch.
Coming from Christianity this is a huge one for me. I was taught to always take the lower seat. To always suffer long and forgive and consider others more highly than myself. Carving out space in my life to be a little selfish has been one of the best decisions ever!
Glad you're doing better
It becomes easier with age, I think.
@Dean Mulready :) Maybe that's got something to do with it too.
True
Definitely. 99% to do with age and who you live with.
Absolutely; biggest fucking lie I was taught as a teen.
Experience too, the more you interact with people the more selfish you become once you notice most of society’s true colors
Take this one to heart my friends. Being selfish doesn't have to mean you don't take care of others
PEOPLE. Don't be afraid to be mean. Life is too short to be nice to people when it's not reciprocated.
meanness is a vice. your life I'm sure would be far more miserable if those around you applied this principle to you.
@@commentconnoisseur1001 no u
@@commentconnoisseur1001 nah but fr nah fuck em. They wanna be fake ima be cordial but fuck em regardless. I'ma keep it real and civil.
Exactly some times u just have to man up and stand your ground and people will not take u for a fool trust me.
But that way this is phrased is the root of the problem. You call it mean, cause that's what most of us feel it is when we chose our needs or opinions over that of someone else. I would like to call it guarding your personal boundaries. Cause we don't have to be mean, we just have to speak up. It's beautiful to see the needs of others, but we have to get in touch with our needs as well. It's knowing we deserve the same respect and care as we give those around us!
I'm 21 and I came to Earth realizing early on that the people around me made the mistake of doing what's expected of them instead of focusing on self-acutalization and I'm happy I learned this early in life because all I wanna do is travel and wander.
Girlll you're very pretty 🌸
Ive been thinking about this for months now. This video is perfect timing for me to understand these feelings . Thank you for posting this.
*Enlightened Self-interest*
You have to help yourself first, before practicing virtue.
Only when you are helping or being kind from a place of abundance, it is a true virtue.
Who are the people pleasers here? :)
✋😔
@@BumbleBee-zm6us You are not alone :)
I'm a people avoider. Because most people are selfish a-holes. lol
Totally not me
@@chewface haha I know right ughhh!
Just hearing the intro music puts me in a better mood instantly 😀
Rea Kariz FETCH MY MARACAS!
I can relate so much.
Its a dopamine release because your lazy, gluttonous ass is constantly looking at your phone. (School of life voice)
Everything we do is selfish in some form 🤔
Example: helping others is usually done to provide personal satisfaction which is just human nature....nothing wrong with it
In some cases? Sure. But usually? Probably not.
Very often it happens because we fear being disliked, judgeg negatively, we think acting nice and helping will make others accept and appreciate us more, which and extremely toxic way to behave and think, that provides no good to the individual.
自由人 Exactly. You're doing it because YOU don't want to be disliked!
It reminds me of that Joey vs Phoebe argument from FRIENDS
It's not consciously selfish, if that's the only comment you thought of then you probably didn't get a thing from the video.
De botton is talking about active selfishness and making conscious decisions to put yourself first.
manel kh pretty much everything is done of out of selfishness, you idiot!
I was criticising myself all the time when I act selfishly. Just now, I was feeling so bad thinking how selfish I was and then I saw this video.
Thank you School of life.
You can't pour from an empty cup!!
If you give all your fuel away, how will you reach your destination??
Thank you so much for this. I gave to my family until the age of 59 and wasted my true life.. its too late to change that and I so regret it but that was my path. I am working to change it.
Some people don’t need to be any more selfish.
Most!
But others do. This one is for them
Yes I agree..... Most people are already way too much selfish
Define selfish. I would rather receive help from someone who is truly willing and able to help, than someone who does it out of obligation. Sometimes, saying No is the healthiest thing one can do. Destroying one's own wellbeing for the sake of others is not the right thing to do in every situation. For example, if someone, a family member for example, is a drug addict, and decides to to help themselves to your money to buy more drugs, should you let them? Considering that drug addicts often give up everything to get their next fix, sometimes resorting to violence, and/or just hurting everyone and everyone around them? Life always asks these types of hard questions and you have to answer them in your own time, and in your own way. It is not for me or anyone else to ask you anything but to answer honestly. Until you do, you have an opinion, but you don't have truth.
Well said
You are allowed to be selfless sometimes, but in no way you are allowed to be worthless anytime.
I love this, just LOVE it. I love the sound of the man's voice, the tone, the content, the visuals. This speaks straight to my heart. Thank you so much.
I resonate with this a lot! Being a people-pleaser really tiring. Thank you for the video! Love this channel so much ❤️❤️❤️
It sure is!! I struggle with saying no sometimes!
Lindsey Spiteri Bellizzi thank you for replying to my comment. Feel less alone knowing you’re on the same boat 😊🙏🏻
@@indrilisaholet5876 You are not alone Indri! Now we have to work hard towards becoming less people pleasers ;)
Lindsey Spiteri Bellizzi we’ll succeed! Thanks again. Sending you positive vibes...💕
You need to look after yourself so that your strong for those you love.
There is no “i” in “team” but there is one in “compassion”.
There is a "me" in team
"No one is especially grateful and we are furious with ourselves" that is it.
Now lets see what the experts have to say in the comment section.
Now let's see what experts who comment about the experts in the comments section say about the state of expert comments in the comments section.
@@NarinderSinghHere nice try, but's it's a no from me
@@zhin13 np mate.
I am not even an expert but I could say this video is a product of a major misunderstanding.
And let's not forget the "this video is perfectly timed for me" comments.
‘Looking out for #1’ was a great book.
Many people criticize it, but for ‘givers’, it is great advice.
It really opened my eyes.
I tried this, being more selfish for myself, dare to say 'no' , I can say that I am at a good place now ❤ happier than ever
Btw, I love your work School of Life! Keep going!
I remember telling a former love of mine that "what I need is quite time for a moment". Seems juvenile but aided in my maturity as a person I feel.
My selfish time is laying bed for as long as i want. When i get up i actually have will to do stuff without too much sacrifice.
Don't mistake weakness and self surrender for meekness. Yessss👏👏
I grew up being way too selfless because my Mom raised me that way. And it became the reason why I hated myself for way too long but after I have realized self-care, I started to feel less depressed because I somehow learned to prioritize myself more. But still I couldn't easily ignore calls from friends even though when they can't do the same thing towards me. I hope I'll be well soon.
Selfishness is such a loaded word. More accurately, prioritizing oneself has all sorts of benefits...including making your other important relationships better. There's nothing more corrosive than resentment. Spending a part of your life every week, month and year doing things just for you... can make you a better, happier and more effective person in all aspects of your life.
"Nobody wants to know how you feel, yet, they want you to do what they feel."
-Michael Bassey Johnson
I am guilty of this and at 43 have learned it ruined most of my life. I now dgaf about anyone but me and my 3 children and i even tell them time is running thin since i fought their mom for 15yrs just to know them. I'm now close to freedom and will never look back. Thx as always 👍
Not give a f*** what anyone thinks, is irritated by, angered by, or disapproves of in my personal life choices.
@Andrew Ackerman, in my opinion, you are wise and your perspective is definitely worth considering and keeping in mind. Wow, going by your pic you look rather young, how do you know so much already? I’m a little older, not necessarily wiser, lol, and I’ve reached a stage in my life where I’m tired of being a people pleaser, always putting others first, family, friends, etc. I want MY OWN life now, but ironically when I’m am not at everyone’s immediate disposal, it tends to p*** them off. I’m learning how to deal with that, and for the first time in my life consider MY health and well-being. I have to add that this DOES NOT apply if you have the responsibility of raising children or even caring for an elderly parent. Anyhow, I love your calm, rational approach and if you are married and/or have children I think that they are fortunate to have your wisdom in their lives.
After we are old -- with daily and chronic pain -- we can be self-focused. Yipee.
You can't give from an empty cup... Sometimes the person who deserves our selflessness is our own self
My mother has always taught me that we should only share if we have an abundance but if not don’t. Coming from a poor family who lived in the slums and can barely eat three times a day, this has always been my motto. I will only share mine if I have an extra, if not Im sorry.
Now our family has a house in a respectable neighborhood and now I am at a university. People are surprised by how much we changed our life but its all about putting the need of yourself and your family first before others.
putting others first has ruined my life. i wish i had found selfishness early in life.
Me too!
Word!
Selfishness is to me the most supreme way of prioritising oneself and ones future, dreams, ambitions,body and life 💓
I became selfish over time, and my life drastically improved. Societal expectations of kindness are silly. I’m nice, but very selective of when I am. And I always give from the heart and expect nothing in return. I’m selfish the rest of the time, haha.
I try to be selfless and typically I suppress a lot of what I really want to do. This leads to anger and resentment to others and also myself. When I start placing less focus on others and more on myself, I feel better, I’m happier, have more energy and able to accomplish a lot more. Word of advice, you are your world, so place yourself first then give to others later, which will be far more rich and fulfilling
Sometimes I just play these videos for background noise purposes . His voice is so soothing
This video came exactly when I needed it. My whole life I've put other people first, and now finally, am taking well-deserved time to myself. I was feeling guilty about it all, but this video reassured me it's the right thing for me to do. Thank you.
I was talking to my friend about this today, school of life thanks for watching out for my problems 😂😂👌🏻
TSL films are like weekly therapy sessions; each one prompts me to work on something relevant throughout the week. It’s both enlightening and encouraging. I’m very grateful. Inwards and upwards! 🍭
My sankalp mai khud to hamesha self care aur healthy first priority rakhungi till eternity
I can completely relate to this. The problem with me, however, is that, not only was I taught to be more selfless, but my elders were very strict and rigid and so most of the times, it was me who had to bend to their wishes while they never cared to bend to my wishes for once.
The problem I think, is when people are very rigid and they do not allow for anything to be, that is not to their preference. And, so you become a person that they want you to be, while never really exploring who you are.
What I'm trying to say is, that it's one thing to advice someone to be more selfless, but it's another to emotional blacmail him to be the sort of person you want him to be i.e. to intentionally take advantage of his good virtue.
Similar things have happened in my past and it saddens me that I cannot go back and fix everything. I have no idea what I have become. I would like to go back and relive my life and make choices that made the most sense to me, instead of the ones that my elders liked for me.
I would like to urge anyone, who is young and still growing, never to take the advice of being selfless, too seriously, and to make the choices that you want to make, or else you'll regret it afterwards when you'll have a big hole inside of yourself that you'll find really difficult to fill.
Great use of Hindu philosophy in explaining the stages of life. While in today's world we adapt to modern customs, but the principles remain
I love being selfish. After all, no one is going to give me my dreams.
I think this stereotype of "selfishness" is used for manipulation purposes. But this doesn't mean it will not backfire.
There are people who will always take your kindness for granted and never properly appreciate it. You are only wasting your time trying to help them, when they don't even care about your help
I can't say NO! to people. That's my greatest weakness. I wish I can muster up some courage to say No! to people's inconsiderate demands without feeling guilty.
I struggle with saying 'no' sometimes. But, I'm working on it !
Listen to yourself, and always ask for time to think about any decision. If it doesn't feel right, don't do it. Trust yourself.
Subscribe to my channel.
I used to have that problem. Realized I equated service for love. That's flawed. Doing things for people doesn't guarantee love. Saying no doesn't guarantee people won't love you, inversely. I think you should really really ask yourself why you can't say no, and remember that NO is a complete sentence on its own.
Are you saying No !!
yeeeep. i really needed this video. especially right now. someone i love hurt me very badly and there’s a large part of me that wants to hastily forgive him because i want him to be happy and i want to get back to the norm, but im still raw and hurt. sometimes i have clarity in selfishness versus self-regard, but a lot of the time i honestly don’t know if my selfishness is good or bad, but hopefully someday ill figure it out.
"I would....not feel it is mean or rude to turn down an invitation because I simply don't want to come...."
When i feel full filled, that make me want to do good things with full of my heart. Pure without attach the outcome
*Why is school of life so good at describing who i am in a nutshell?* Who else can relate to this?!
we are just not that special like we tend to think : ) thank god :D!
Because we are not special and all have very similar personalities and problems
Gladly people around me learned now why I'm "selfish" sometimes. There's times that you really need something done and need to open hand of another things, it can be hard, but beneficial, people will understand eventually if you're not being selfish in a harmful way.
While I truly believe we should be there for each other, I also agree that there has to be certain degree of selfishness (I call it healthy selfishness to distinguish from toxic egoism). If you deplete your energy and mental/emotional capacities by helping others and essentially living their lives, and if you don’t do enough for youself as a person, how can you be there for others? Even on the plane they say that in case of emergency we should first put our own masks before assisting others or kids. There is a reason for that!
You cannot give from an empty cup. You can only share when it overflows.
everything in this video is FACTS, its exactly how i feel today and everyday, i have sacrificed 12 years for my family and they dont care about any of the hardship it took me to get there, its my original family not my own, so its time to branch off and let this ship sink and start my own family so i can finally enjoy life again.
Same. I hope you're doing well. You matter.
"will I Dim the light inside me just to satisfy someone"
-John Mayer (forgot the title of the song)
There's a big difference between self preservation and selfishness ! Preserve yourselves first, you have an obligation to yourself first, as no one has to be responsible for you !
Du Botton, I owe all of my self-growth to you and this beautiful channel.❤️✊🏽
I study here with active listening. I learned my back pain is a feeling of no support and constantly running, working, I've learned so much here, this is kind soft place and a place of where its ok to talk.Thank you Thank you
whoa, the thing about back pains is such a revelations.
@@eduardochavacano I learned it in life, I didn't know💐🙏👍
I constantly tell my daughter’s when they ask why did someone do something bad my response is because they were being too selfish. That we’re all born selfish and the smarter ones fight through it and understand that helping others helps you.
Selfish is a very loaded word. Growing up with this word was used against many of us. We were groomed to be caretakers of others not ourselves. It's our conditioning if you like. And its difficult to change.
This hits home. As a young adult in the 21st century, I find that due to huge societal problems such as climate change, I constantly feel a burden that I should act towards the common interest (not eat meat, buy less clothes, not use a washing machine, etcetera.) It's a constant struggle to, even though you want to do actions that are better for the health of our planet, it often clashes with one's own desires. This might be a thing of all times, but I feel like this balance has become more difficult to maintain in the 21st century (also considering the massive amount of knowledge that is out there about the negative effects of our actions).
Thank you for recognizing and writing about it, same with me.
But we must also realise that even if we do devote everything to helping the world. Most won't care, most won't know and the change you've made will be miniscule in the scheme of things. Instead of being overwhelmed I feel we need to realise it shouldn't matter how the world is after we're dead because we won't be there anyway. I know this thought can sound evil but our one life is final and I want to choose living over salvation. As long as I'm not purposefully hurting others I will try to live my own intuition. Be true to yourself and not those who tell you that you owe them.
You are right. I started learning this thing. In this modern world, we need to be somehow selfish.
Ego is not a dirty word...
In most possible examples it is dirty word. But yeah, it isn't fully. Just like the word ,,touch''. So many claws to tear apart, a few human hands that perfectly understand all the boundaries. To look for the order; the same comes with ego
Ego is like the world's strongest force. Its like fire. It might burn u if handled carelessly(destroy u) but if used correctly it can illuminate ur entire life. For example:- If u told someone ur goals say u quit smoking, ppl will see how are u doing. But when u cant keep the word of ur tongue ,the world will insult just for their entertainment. But this will hurt ur ego and ur brain knows this. Hence it wont let u smoke.
Thanks for the insightful replies. But my comment was actually intended to be a joke, which is lost on those who don't live in Australia. Just look up "Skyhooks Ego Is Not A Dirty Word" if you want to see what I'm referring to :-D
@@HandyAndyTechTips Ow... anyway. Cool song
Positive selfishness is to think of oneself"s needs or dreams without hurting others and to say no to people taking advantage of one's kindness without neglecting responsibilities to family or society.
I'm just at this stage...this week!! How fitting- not sure my boyfriend is going to like it, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it 😊
51 years of others 1st, it's now my time 🕰
Wow, me too. Good luck, I still have to remind myself often who is numero uno
This was an incredible experience, an explanation of what I am now moving towards in my phase 4 in my life
By nature humans are selfish, but who helps others will succeed
No doubt about it.
Many people simply manipulate good people and use them.This video is mainly for people who are naturally empath and can't say no to anyone.
By nature humans are compppasion and pack animal
@@aarothewanderer5549 yes because of the self preservation bit the ignorance of not seeing the true reality of the "self" makes us selfish
Go be a public school teacher, where your entire job is helping people, and tell me how much the universe and society will let you succeed.
The main problem over here is the fact, that the others are selfish, because if everyone would ultimately work on the giving side, While being honest with gentleness, there would be mutual understanding and respecting of the emotional boundaries in general.
Ignore People.
Buddhism has a concept called 'Jigyo Keta' which translates from Japanese as 'Practice for oneself and practice for others'- both are important. If you don't care for yourself, you can't care for others. On the other hand, if you only cared for yourself without thinking of your impact on others, it is an insular and selfish life indeed.
Fear is at the base of all morality
Fearless till eternity
U guys stalking me or what?!? I definitely needed this. Have been hurt many times by selfish creatures. I think I know now where I have been wrong all along. So two words - THANK YOU!
Step 1: Be a older sibling.
Be an only child*
Maybe a middle or younger sibling. The oldest tends to be more on the nurturing and selfless side. But I'm only speaking from my own experience as aloder sibling
This comment hit hard.
@@abishbautista I doubt that.. I have seen a lot of my cousins.. the older they are to me, more selfish they are.. as if worried, for their own
@@ritika2563 like I said it is a personal experience, doesnt mean that it applies to all. Like not every middle or younger sibling is selfish wither
You gotta do what’s best for you. Anxiety is society telling you what to do. Great video
We have enough selfish people in the world nowadays. Self care is a virtue, not being selfish. There's a difference.
There isn't a difference. The word 'selfish' doesn't have to be defined with bad intent.
@@pengu1nmusic True but I think that's more so of a subjective point of view. I think people associate the word "selfish" more so with only thinking about your own well being while brushing others off. I think self-care is more so about taking care of your own needs and the crucial essentials which provide you with a healthier living.
I believe that what you should do in these situations is ask yourself "are you truly happy being good to others?" "Does it fulfill you?".
You should think about your happiness and well-being first. It may not be easy sometimes but that is what is most important at the end of the day.
I need to be a bit more selfish since I always put others’ needs before my own.
Same here!!
I dont know hows that a bad thing but u do whats best for u I guess.
Rubbish! No one is that selfless. If you put others' needs before your own then it is either from fear or because you are getting something in return that you are in denial over. In fact, just making that statement is an act of selfishness! Lol The ego: god's great banana skin, and sneakiest of sneaks.
"If I'm not for myself, who will be for me and if I'm only for myself, what am I?" famous ancient quote by Rabbi Hillel. Still applies even to this day! "Unto thine own self be true", ...written on the Gates of Delphi in ancient Greece and also by the late great William Shakespeare.
The issue I have in this line of thinking is that the reason we collectively end up in a situation where altruism/selflessness is an overall negative in people's lives is because most people dont live by altruistic virtue in the first place. Most people are incredibly selfish and that attitude is only exaggerated by modern culture. It creates a dynamic where the only options are complete enabling and complete self absorption
I am hindu and glad to hear this explanation- its lot better than even most of hindu think about their culture. Thank you.
Yes!!! Been telling myself to be more selfish lately!! I used to be told that I was very bossy and a queen b and I didn’t like that because it was perceived as negative so I tried to downplay my independence and leadership tendencies in order to get along better with people but I turned into a pushover and now so many people put themselves over me knowing that I’ll let them BUT now I’m tired of being ignored or being put in second place I WILL BE THAT BITCH AGAIN!!!
I thought I was selfish and wanted to change, now I understand that's a good selfishness. Thanks.