The Terror of Being Alone
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- Опубліковано 16 тра 2024
- We are unnecessarily scared of being on our own because we fail to keep in mind the distinction between solitude (a fine condition) and loneliness (a pain). We need to recover a sense of the good sides of being by ourselves - in order to be able to make the right choices around friendship and love.
FURTHER READING
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“In the privacy of our minds, one thought - highly shameful by nature - may haunt us as we evaluate whether to stay in or leave an unsatisfactory relationship: what if we were to end things and end up in a place of appalling loneliness?
We’re meant to be above such pragmatic worries. Only cowards and reprobates would mind a few weekends (or decades) by themselves. We’ve heard of those books that sing the praises of solitude (the divorcee who relocated to a solitary hut on a bare Scottish island; the one who went sailing around the world in a dinghy). But we can admit that we’re not naturals at this sort of thing: there have been empty days when we almost lost our minds. There was one trip that we took on our own years back that was, behind the scenes, a psychological catastrophe. We’re not really in a position to wave away the dangers of being left alone on our rock…”
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CREDITS
Produced in collaboration with:
Tomas Espaillat
www.tomatico.net/
Title animation produced in collaboration with
Vale Productions
www.valeproductions.co.uk/
Having been alone for the last 20 years I've given aloneness and isolation a lot of thought. One thing that came to mind when I asked myself why being alone made me feel bad about myself was the fact that society uses isolation as punishment. Removing a "perpetrator" from social interaction is so accepted we don't even think of what it means. Solitary confinement in prisons, the child sent to his room for "downtime", the school child separated from his classmates as punishment, are all practices that teach us that if your alone you're being punished. Food for thought.
Yes, isolation is used as a punishment, but it is so because... It works. We evolved in community, and we have a tendency to be around people. Not to say that you can't feel good being alone, or on your own, but generally speaking, people seem to search for companion, hence the wide usage of isolation as a punishment. Also, there are psychological differences between choosing to be alone and being forced to be alone. The second can drive a person mad.
Wow. Great introspection. To be “cut off” is the biblical punishment too. Good verses evil.
@@travis5732 I believe if we can't cope and live alone, with ourselves, chances are any relationship will be doomed to fail.
That and also society in general seems to frown on people living/being alone (especially women). Whether it's through a pitying look or questioning words, people who are alone are made to feel like something is wrong with them.
Wow ❤️
"Being alone is scary, but not as scary as feeling alone in a relationship."
Amelia Earhart
Yes...but when you are in a relationship...you still have the option to get out...but when you are alone as an elderly...very hard to make "friends".
I doubt that people who say those kind of things were ever truly alone (not in a relationship) for any extended period of time. They have absolutely no idea what it is truly like to actually be alone.
@Just For Fun great attitude
Oh. I felt it💔
@lil' pump Being TRULY alone is soul destroying....and you are not in a place/mentally/ to be able to make friends emotionally.. terrible trap it is.
Solitude is one of the greatest gifts we have. It is when we learn who we really are.
Can't agree more.
@Harry Moorehouse your imagination is like water or Clay you can shape whatever you like yourself to be .....
@Harry Moorehouse Maybe you still haven't met yourself very well
Harry Moorehouse learn to like yourself
@Harry Moorehouse The "just like yourself more" advice is terrible. What you really need is to understand yourself better, because "I just don't like myself" is also not how it works.
Being Alone is better than being with someone terrible
Yes sir🔥❤❤
words to live by..
@ismail ayten better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you feel alone
Now i'm feel alone because "unempathy" somenone ( ._.)
It is often preferable and more enjoyable than even being with someone wonderful.
My first boyfriend broke up with me when quarantine began. I was the loneliest I had been in that relationship because I kept comparing my solitude to his friends. While he was watching movies with his friends, I'd be alone in bed waiting for another text from him. I forgot that I actually enjoy my own company because it was a sort of forced solitude. Comparison is what makes being alone feel lonely.
Same thing here except I'm the asshole and she left me because of that. Comparison is the problem. Every time I see a couple, I'm like an ex-smoker: "I remember that. That was nice". And they are everywhere.
Oh my god, that is so true. I was in school at the time and my gf at the time broke up with me as soon as the stay at home order began and it was tough to move on completely with seeing all of these future things she'll do that we talked about but just with someone else. But when I just view my situation in its own light, those moments are a lot easier to get through.
I have a lot of female friends who invested everything in a relationship. Most of them went on to form lasting friendship groups and have a wonderful time. A bloke who is indifferent or oblivious to his girlfriend's tormenting solitude probably isn't worth much.
“Comparison is what makes being alone feel lonely”. Omg. That is so true. But it is unconsciously done i think. I absolutely dread any type of celebration. I get so low not having a significant other at those times. Society definitely seems to feel sorry for people who are alone. We are conditioned by society that the family unit, or at the least, a partner of some type, is normal. If you dont have that there is something wrong about you. Im not the sort of person who feels anxiety generally. But the thought of being alone forever absolutely fills me with terror.
I'm so sorry too hear this hope your doing better
I like being alone, I'm the best person I know to hang out with.
ikr?
nice
That sounds sad...
But same.
yes! i agree. :)
"With internet" or else I will go insane
When you learn to be alone, youll discover the difference between lonely and alone. Let go of earthly attachment.
sometimes i feel like charles manson learned that. there is no prison for the mind.
@YourBakaSenpai yep, a lil hippie manlet pimp xD
So true
People around us aren’t as happy as they look like
sure they are
1m2a3t4t5 no they ain’t
I never get close enough to others to see if they appear happy. I keep humans at a very well defined distance from me, even before the current unpleasantness of coronavirus. I fear humans.
Some people go to great lengths to show what a great life they have on Facebook and Instagram.
@Kayla Nguyen I made this semi-anonymous UA-cam rant to be able to practice my English written, and reading skills. Although the automobile, lorry, and about half the climate control schematics are in just about any language they may be needed, the schematics for all the hydrolic equipment, all the fork lifts, fork trucks, and floor and scissors lifts, are in English. Thus, I made this account to correspond in English. Nobody can harm me here thus, I am not afraid. Also, I do not need to perfect spoken English. I need to perfect written English. Thus, there is no need for speech therapy. I barely utilise my original language for spoken language. If I went mute, it would effect me very little since I have no friends, family, nor even coworkers in my shift. I will likely never upload a video to UA-cam since I have no video camera, nor subject matter. If I could find another bidirectional way to correspond in English, I would likely cancel the UA-cam rant. You must admit, for a non-native English user, I am understood within established perimeters of what is considered understandable. Thus, I will not need language counseling. I am completely self taught.
Loneliness is dangerous. Its addicting. Once you see how peaceful it is. You dont wanna deal with people anymore.
Real talk bro
Amen!
Its a privilege to be lonely.
Exactly. I just want to be alone. I'm too tired for all the drama most people cause.
- Tom hardy
Loneliness is better than empty friendship with uncertain love. The more i know the human being the more i become lonely. Me
more i love my dog
@@ximenacoll5887 i love myself instead.
I became lonelier since I couldn't find authenticity... I'm not losing hope but I truly want to start all over again. I know that there's people that think similar to me.
Everything changes when I do first.
@@lemonwedge5209 I'm just so thankful for having a boyfriend who shares this same deal. I have company with him, we even play and spend time with my siblings and his cousins. It's not quite often because we live in different countries, but it's quality tho. Nonetheless, I know we would like to have good close friends. I hope it's just a matter of time.
I can say the same thing.
I turn thirty this year, and I've spent nearly all of my twenties living a much lonelier life than most people. I've been single since 2012 and I haven't been on a date since 2015. This plus other factors has sent my fear of rejection through the roof over the years, to the point where it is something I've had to constantly accommodate for a long time. Despite this, there are aspects of my twenties that I can definitely be proud of.
I've traveled alone many times over the years, to some beautiful parts of the world and had some great times, albeit on my own. It always felt like there was a lot of social pressure to not be alone, especially when you're traveling or out in public at a bar or a cinema or such like. Once I started ignoring that pressure, it felt incredibly liberating, even though I'd rather have had some company most of the time. I wouldn't advise people take it to the extent that I have, but I'd definitely recommend people do more things alone.
I've often felt most alive while traveling alone. There are of course lonely moments in there, too, but overall, it makes me feel in touch with life in the universe vs in touch with a few familiar people.
Solitude has helped me grow, introspect, recognise my priorities and I value it a lot. But the critical judgement I receive on daily basis because of it sometimes feels painful. It's hard to explain to people around why I enjoy being a loner. The conversations always end with people advising me to find a partner, sympathizing with me or just considering me a weirdo. But in my heart this is a golden period of my life that I will cherish forever.
I'm 23 years old but never dated anyone..never been in any relationship because I'm an introvert..i don't like talking and socializing with others
And I'm happy with whatever I am right now.. I love my freedom and love to spend my time with my family and books👨👩👧👦❤💞
@@astondias810 You judgmental prick. I suggest you go to other corners of the internet where you can hate freely.
@@astondias810 I am yet to decipher the tone behind your comment if it's sarcasm or seeking advice but whatever it is I don't think you got the essence of my comment..
I meant that being alone is a choice my soul seeks & I have decided to pursue it because it makes me happy. I am not harming anyone or myself. It's just the judgemental looks that sometimes confuse me as something that's so comforting to me can itch someone else's deudenom... Peace to you my friend ✌️
"He who is unable to live in society, or who has no need because he is sufficient for himself, must be either a beast or a god." -Aristotle
It is a skill to be alone. And to learn how to be your own best friend.
I like being alone quite a lot, however there is a point where intense self-interested self-isolation seems to be making me neurotic if not on the edge of psychosis.
I can relate to that
Suggestion: the fear of getting old
Great idea 👌🏼
Ever better: The fear of growing old in loneliness
You grow old, then your life ends. For thosr type of questions I would recommend facing the reality as it is. Through reading philosohphy about life/death. Stoicism is great on that matter especially. Check it out.
@@juandom6432 reality sucks. Philosophy just makes you wanna kill yourself
I am getting old. I'm 55 my husband died 3 years ago. That's what's terrifying. What happens when I'm too old to take care of myself? I don't want to end up in a nursing home. I never thought about it until lately.
We would probably see less domestic violence if more people would let go of this fear.
forreal, co-dependency seems to be a knee jerk reaction in relationships today
Financial dependence is a major reason people stay in DV situations. The other is trauma bonding, the emotional abuse and manipulation that occurs before physical violence.
and less childhood traumas that breed lonely people.
I don't mind being alone for long periods of time as a lot of my work is in isolation. However, I do fear that some day I may feel alone, lonely even in a crowded room as a result of it.
Same. I am an artist and I feel this fear more every day
@@paloma4444 Have you ever read "Solitude" by Anthony Storr? It looks at the important function of solitude in the creative person'a life. It's a very interesting book. Highly recommended.
@@camez2345 ooo, seems interesting...
For some reason, although I am aware that my fear of being alone is quite irrational, it still manages to haunt me. It's weird because I don't mind being alone at all --in fact, I prefer to work alone. Perhaps it's just that I fear being left alone (?).
Hmmm, I guess the nature of that is different from merely being alone (???). HAHAHA, this just affirms that fact that I need to continue cultivating my own intropersonal awareness.
@@outkast505 It really is. I just pulled out my (now-yellowed) copy. It's been a while. Time for a re-read.
This COVID-19 lockdown showed me the ugliness of others and MYSELF... I'm making strides to improve my life and learning to be alone. I love people but Damn we need to learn to get along better...
Self isolation seemed to bring out the real me, atleast for me.
This is TOO accurate
@Ordinary Bulbasaur exactly. Same case with me. I don't call and avoid meetings. It's been 3 yr I'm home quarantine. So covid 19 is doesn't change my lifestyle
tsk tsk, covid is fake
@Ordinary Bulbasaur true
I swear this is the only channel that actually is capable of making a meaningful impact...thank you👍🏻
I would also include Jordan Petersons work. These two individuals are capturing the human condition better than most at this stage of my life.
Academy of Ideas check it out
Amen
Definitely not the only but agree with the rest!
It is intelligent and not the usual self help bull shit for losers.
This video came out weirdly at the spike of my loneliness and alot of the things said verbalises my exact feelings that its uncanny...
I have been connected with building community gardens, where people can grow food in city and come to different events. I found that this kind of initiatives are really helpful for people, who feel alone. These city gardens attract many people, who are strangers to one another, but they end up bonding while planting salads or eating together.
Awww, that's very nice of you. Plus, the sustainability of communal gardens is an added bonus. 💜
This is realy empowering example ... tnx
This comment just reminded me of the most beautiful community gardens I used to visit that recently had to close 🥺 such a magical place for people to meet each other who always felt a bit different - thank u for building them ❤️
@Eleanor Churchill Well, if we would have.. then we could have lived fulfilled I believe... by the deep sense of belonging caused by an assurance that we shall never feel alone again... as each of us would carry the members of our community deep within... at least until the time we needed to poo.
that really sounds cute, in a good way
I used to get lonely like normal people. But after a horrible breakup with a fiance after she cheated on me with strangers, best friends, guys and girls I took my first mushroom trip. I was pulled from the brink of suicide to a place where I live for solitude. All the love I directed toward my fiance I now direct inward. No one will ever love you like you can love yourself.
Thanks a lot for this very valuable lesson and for the wonderful animation!
1. They say that the process of death starts with birth and accelerates at dinner parties!
It sounds like a silly joke at first , but indeed it is a profound way to describe the loneliness we all feel when we are around people to whom we don't feel connected at all.
Friends who watched " The Thin Red Line", one of the saddest war movies of all time, will remember that conversation between the two soldiers, which is truly heart breaking:
- Do you ever feel lonely?
- Only around people.
2. This is understandable, if for some reason we had to spend too much time with superficial folks.
But if it is a chronic situation, if we feel always " disconnected" to people, may be the problem starts within us.
For example, a friend of mine constantly complains about not having anyone to talk to and being always disappointed by everybody.
Well, once I teased him a bit and told him this proverb I love:
" If a fight breaks out in every bar you walk into, may be it is you! "
In fact, my friend is incredibly dissatisfied with himself and that's where his isolation begins. He excludes a huge part of himself, within himself.
So it seems that in order to feel connected, we need to connect to ourselves first and for that we need two things:
Self Compassion and Self Knowledge.
3. I have this other beloved friend who sees herself as a total failure for not having found a husband.
I keep telling her that it is indeed very tragic to see your entire happiness in the hands of a stranger...How can that ever go right?
For anyone who feels bad about not being married, here are three excellent movies that will instantly make you feel extremely fortunate!
-Scenes from a Marriage, by Ingmar Bergman
-Who is afraid of Virginia Woolf,by Mike Nichols
-Before Midnight, by Richard Linklater
4. People are obsessed with romantic love. If we had thought that much about friendship, we would all be much more content and sane!
What really matters is the quality and depth of our friendships. Aristotle's view on "virtuous friendship" explains this so beautifully:
"Virtuous friendship, however, is described as complete and the ultimate form of love. This type of friendship happens between few people, is long lasting, and must be between people with a certain moral character.
Those involved in virtuous friendships must be able to value loving over being loved and as such, their relationship will be based more around loving the other person and wanting what is good for them."
5. But we can have really meaningful and beautiful interactions with strangers too! We may not be future soul mates, but we can still touch each others lives and make a difference.
There is a wonderful podcast called " The Happiness Lab" , made by the most beloved psychology professor at Yale University, Laurie Santos.
On one episode they talk about the value of talking to strangers and they tell many heart warming stories.
The episode is called:
" Mistakenly Seeking Solitude".
The title is a bit misleading, because they don't deny the value of solitude. But they rather encourage us to be more open and brave and to talk to people, so that we can see how much we have in common with any random stranger indeed.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I’m trying to not want a relationship.
@@nmartin5551 Hello there! I understand... As a teenager I used to think that it is a misfortune to need someone's affection.. Because I was terrified of rejection or abandonment. But in my humble opinion, the solution is actually within us. It is "self compassion". If you are on your side and learn to love yourself properly, it makes all the difference. Then you may or may not have a partner, but you won't feel "worthless" or " cut off" from the rest of the world.
Cultivating self compassion is a matter of practise though. I am working on it everyday too. If you wish, give a chance to the wonderful book " Radical Acceptance" by Tara Brach. It helped me enormously.
Also, you can listen to this episode of the " Ten Percent Happier" podcast if you wish:
" Self compassion ain't always soft, Kristin Neff".
Thanks a lot for your time by the way. Much love to you and yours!
Wow this is incredibly valuable and I’m really happy I got to read your comment. I will definitely listen to that podcast you suggested at the end cuz I tend to be closed off in public but will randomly have more talkative days. Thanks for that. Also, I read your comment below and yes I agree that self compassion is key to navigating really any situation in our lives as well as being on our own side (which is basically the same thing) I absolutely Love Tara Brach’s books and talks on UA-cam. I’ve been listening to her audiobooks and talks for so long and they really help connect you back to you. It’s so beautiful
Remember folks everybody is suffering, the world is a cosmic joke with no punchline and even in the presence of other people we are still alone. Humanity is a cursed creature in a doomed existence, born to suffer, struggle and then die pointlessly in an uncaring universe with no real way to mark its own passing.
I hope that makes you all feel better about not having anywhere to go on Saturday night.
... Thanks school of life.
tend to agree, alone-not happy, find someone - not happy. we are programmed to be with someone though, most people want to be with someone, happy or not
7 billion people on the planet and we feel alone.
Jeez, what a dark glasses you have there. B>
Well, our Planet it truly a world of utter contrasts, but we are learning a lot still.
Well... this existential crisis was uncalled for
.
.
.
but I suppose I should've anticipated it from this channel
@@takla_makan Its called making the best of a bad situation, like a dark comedy. No one is here on purpose and existence has never asked for consent, but there are points of light to distract from the sea of darkness.
When we are alone we are with the person we can never get rid of and often terrifies us the most, ourselves
not for me. tell yourself a different story to have a different life.
@@jhssmith2004 I trust myself.
It´s the realisation how horrible my existence is that comes to me when I´m alone. (sorry my english is not the best)
@@friedose4099 You need to feel comfortable with who you are, and stop relying on others.
@@gusgrizzel8397 It´s the desire to be loved what makes it so hard to be alone for me.
When I feel lonely, I feel ashamed of it.
So I keep it to myself, which makes me further isolate.
i feel this one. ashamed for being lonely as to me it equils loser.
@@scary85 I even actively avoid romantic encounters, because to me, being in a relationship is being emotionally reliant. And that feels like losing a battle to my own loneliness. I need to be completely independent to maintain my little tiny confidence.
I started being alone in high school for a month and eating lunch alone
Never in my life, I felt more independent and confident
I started making good friends after that and never relied on anyone from that date
Same here but started in middle school. Im now in high school and I just ate lunch alone again, like everyday :)
I know people who literally go from relationship to relationship to relationship. It's so weird.
Take some time for yourself!
Truth
I'm so guilty of this for some reason i thought being with someone was more important than anything else and I ended up in very toxic relationships every single time and now at 25 I feel like a shell of a person
Some people struggle so much being alone that they would literally rather be with anyone. Just because you can cope by yourself doesn't mean others can't find it hell. Don't judge.
@@coreygraham3040 But how awesome that you see it now. Sometimes people repeat the pattern their whole lives. You get to start fresh. Knowledge is power!
@Exhilirous any body but themselves
This makes me think of how the quarantine made me realise how much I love to stay at home, watch Sherlock and sketch whatever comes to my mind. But during a "regular society time" I feel excessive guilt over it. Force myself to go places and do things that I don't feel like too much. Or I don't ever enjoy the time at home if I do stay. Because of how shameful it feels while all those "interesting people" that have "things gong on" must be doing ;) Societal pressure is a ladydog.
Katarzyna - I feel exactly the same about everything you said. I've felt really "at home" during quarantine, and like it's ok because everyone else is in my shoes now, and probably freaking out whereas I'm used to it. But on the nice days over the summer, especially on weekends, I'd look out my window and see families or couples out on their covid walks and think, "Oh god it's this again. I am the only person in the world who is indoors right now." But now I'm afraid of the long winter ahead, and in a sort of twisted way, afraid of quarantine ending in the spring or summer. I fear things going back to "normal," because I've never felt quite normal 😕
I think the majority of the issue is stereotypes and how society tends to mock or pity people alone. I've always wondered why that was the case. To each his/her own, alone means your time, energy, mind and money is all for your taking and it doesn't necessaily mean your heart is
empty either - some people are happy with dogs and cats, maybe by travelling to beautiful places and feeling human, or staying home reading books. Parties and lovely relationships aren't necessarily meant for everyone.
I feel safer (more safe?) alone, than i ever did married. Alone isn't all bad, some solitude can be refreshing..
He sure is right about Saturday nights. Friday nights make you feel sad as well if you're alone.
I enjoy being a lone it gives me time think in peace
Yeah but that's like a week max right?
Would you go 5 years willingly?
@Ntendeni Luvhengo interesting.
More power to you if it makes you feel good and empowered.
I enjoy nice company. I get lonely when I go for long without talking to my favorite people.
I think it's all about figuring out your style and what works for you.
@@maina.wambui yeah well being stuck alone in some place can in fact drive you mad. No wonder that there are all these reports about people being stuck or abandoned on a remote island somewhere and gone insane while there...very true
“It’s not essentially that you’re afraid of being alone. It’s that you don’t like yourself very much”
At the end of the day, it all boils down to building an indispensable relationship to ourselves.
Feels like The School of Life is secretly watching me
Edit : I lied
ha ha.... felt the same...
Same
same lmao. I was thinking in my mind "everything happen for a reason" and this video showed up here for a reason. It could be that I'm merely tricking myself, OR the higher power has led me here to realize this
omg same!
Same!
It is better to be alone than misunderstood.
No one cant be fully understood though
Having been alone so much I forgot what it feels like not to be.
I too am always alone, including at work. It comparatively not as bad as what is thought by the vast majority. The emotions stimulated by others can be extremely painful. They are much more painful than anything loneliness could ever inflict upon us. Being so afraid of ever being hurt terribly again, I have had nobody in my life since 8 August 2000. It is a great defence mechanism that makes it impossible to ever have my emotions mangled again. Being alone is my safety zone that I protect at all costs. It is doubtful I even know how to function in a social setting anymore. The complexities and protocols of being social have likely changed tremendously in the last nineteen years. Thus, I simply do not attempt to reassimulate into a social herd. I have done well not being part of a social herd. Loneliness is, by far, not nearly the worse emotion that can be experienced. I have experienced much worse emotions stimulated by others. I have, therefore, consciously chosen to disallow all possibility of ever experiencing these crippling emotions again by deleting my social existence long ago. This method has worked flawlessly for me since I have implemented it in my life. There are far worse things than loneliness.
@@indridcold8433 2002 got really hurt, 2003 did not try or do shit, 2004 shut down completely b 4 being hurt again, barley tried with two girls, lasted a week each... it happens man
@@McRemmyBaby It will not happen to me again, to me. If there is nobody in my life, I am impossible to injure emotionally again. I learned from a painful mistake. Beinging social in he 21st century really serves little purpose, anymore. Ranting on UA-cam can satisfy the desire to a actually socialize.
@@indridcold8433 it’s a cold world! Stay real
I recently started dating someone and I’m shocked every time he does anything for me, like the dishes suddenly disappeared, or he’s already booked tickets to something or other. It feels so astounding it’s like cheating that someone else can actually help you with something. Definitely been alone for way too long.
'Take a hot bath at 8.30 pm to numb the discomfort inside' Hot bath is one of life's greatest joy. Goddamn I love it.
I like being alone, but i hate being lonely
I agree.I like it as a choice, rather than an imposition.
Me too
Gus Grizzel But not getting enough sex can be an imposition?
I think that about sums up all of us.
I've never been in a relationship even though I'm already 22yo. But I would rather stay this way than to be with a shitty person cuz I'm weak at saying no and cutting off poison people.
反鳥 I’m also 22 and I have the same mindset. But recently realised that to get better at things, we need experience. I think I’ll be taking some steps to find others like me. And someone special 😊
39 in the same situation...
I went through several awful abusive relationships out of fear of being alone, and now I wish I would've been as strong as y'all are from the start. Been purposely single for 3 years now and it's been so much better
I'm 27 and never been in a relationship. I can't deny at times I felt horribly alone with no other soul that would understand me and be beside me in my bad times but I one thing I never wanted is to be with someone just to not be alone. That's the worst that can happen and I've seen it many times. I hope I don't ever make this mistake out of loneliness and I'd rather be alone than in a wrong relationship.
I'm 22 aswell, kinda in the same boat as you. I've honestly never really cared about getting in a relationship, I've been focused on developing myself and growing as a person. If the right one comes then that's cool, but if I die alone then I wouldn't mind that either.
my worst nightmare is ending up with the wrong person who I can't relate to, having kids, getting married and feeling trapped for the rest of my life.
I need my alone time, I can only spend a certain amount of time around a person or people before they start annoying me. If you can't be alone you need to evaluate yourself, because it could be you're depending on others to make you feel happy. Everyone needs the freedom that comes with being alone, or you'll be shackle to others and never really know who you are
Choosing solitude is very different than loneliness. Lonely is a negative emotion, but being alone can be possitive. And you can still be lonely while not being alone. Loneliness is wanting something you don't have, even worse something you may not be able to get.
If you are alone or lonely it is good to build as many connections to others as you can even if they are just superficial. You can also connect with yourself and enjoy being alone. I have been alone a long time since a divorce and enjoy it 75% of the time. Try being in a relp. where the other person doesn't want to hear or care what you think or have to say. Then talk to me about lonely.
Being alone most of the time was something I never had a problem with, I loved it. I never looked at it in a negative light until recently when the people around me started telling me it was wrong and weird.
Lemon Wedge that’s true, but it was coming from nearly everyone I knew, including my family.
Same here. I still love romantic relationships but they don't define me and even though I feel sad when they end, I'll be good with being single than being in a relationship that isn't working!
When solitude is a choice it may be blissful but when you have no choice but to be lonely to feel deeply alone for so long. It's a dark void that feels like it never ends
I wish you could tell people: "I'm here to work. I'm not here to get to know you or be your friend. OK?"
You can, grow some balls and do IT
Why do you want to shut them out?
@@alainapowerchick2025 Honestly, maybe because people are annoying.
@@alainapowerchick2025 It's not good to get deeply personal at work. Some will seek out your weaknesses, or exploit you. Or tell your personal business.
Or they tell you long stories about how great their lives are. Vacations, grandkids, bought another home, another car, blah blah blah.
I realised this year that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with myself. That realisation has helped me get over many things, loneliness is one of them, letting go of things is another.
Being alone is amazing, do what you like and whenever you like without someone bitching all the time.
Nova Verse or, live with someone who doesn’t mind who you are! Btw, partnership requires compromise.
@@kerynl.sanchez9891 You have to see what works for you, me living my life in solitude is a blessing.
nagging bitches... that is why some men are better off with a dude.
Keryn L. Sánchez Compromise??? Not necessarily! Be with someone perfect. Unless your biological clock is forcing you to settle.
The timing of this video couldn't have been more appropriate for me after having recently ended a long-term relationship while living alone in a new city in the midst of a lockdown.
I love being alone. Nothing is more relaxing and calming than having no one around, even for weeks or even months. People who can't be alone are the most exhausting, attention-demanding energy sinks that are terrible to have around.
Tell this to your mother next time she says she misses you and wants to hear from you or for you to visit lol...tell her that contact is not important and we should just stay and enjoy our alone time
@@dreamthedream8929 I don't think they mean that at all.
@@gusgrizzel8397 i don't care what they mean, that simply is the logical implication of their teaching and they should consider it
@@dreamthedream8929 You're misunderstanding.
@@gusgrizzel8397 how exactly?
HAHA JOKES ON YOU, you assume I had a relationship to begin with.
2:43 hit me personally.
When I feel stressed I just listen to this guys voice. I cant even focus on what hes saying, i love just hearing his clear angelic sing song voice - what heaven would sound like
I'm trying to understand why everyone need a relationship. I've been divorced for 15 years and never wanting another relationship. Not because I was hurt from the marriage, but I discovered that I am so comfortable with myself and love being just with myself. I like myself the best when I'm alone, because I can work on my issues without being mad at someone else. It's all on me. I believe being alone makes me a better person. I'm so grateful that I thank God everyday for being able to be happy alone.
Honestly being alone is the best thing. I am actually a little worried that when I get into a relationship I will NOT be alone for too long. I've never felt bad for being alone. I am so happy when I don't have to deal with other people's bullshit
I have also experienced the similar anxiety, but mostly chosen to ignore.
Saying that loneliness is all relative to how normal it is to be alone in a certain circumstance makes so much sense, thanks for helping me realize this so I can control it.
I'd just like to take this opportunity to thank my mother and father once again for having forced all of this existential trauma on me. 😁👍
Yayy, me too. ❤️🙏
That's going to be the truth for a lot of us.
I was told to "Go to your room!" so much that it became a thing, thanks Mom and Dad! 😂
Sameeee
amen!
I often like being alone, but I hate being alone without other options
The more I'm alone the harder it is to have to deal with anyone.
In these times of end of lock-down, this feeling of loneliness can be more intense. You naturally suppose that everyone is meeting their friends and family again, and the feeling of loneliness is fed to the extreme...
This video really comes at the right time, let’s meditate this and grow.
Thank you The School Of Life for being there, always
I understood loneliness when I was hit by a crisis at home. Not enough money to go anywhere and not enough enthusiasm to meet anyone and talk about anything because everything seemed to be so grievous to me that time. As time passed, I understood that being lonely was the best time I’ve had so far. I learnt and grew so much that sometimes I’m amazed at what loneliness with the right mindset could do to a person and teach him/her something that no one can.
I am deeply grateful to this channel for helping me and guiding me towards the right path which my school, college or society couldn't show. Every lonely night turns into a night of calmness and moment of profound contemplation because of the wisdom imparted on each video. Thank you
Amazing. I definitely needed to hear this being alone during this lockdown. The distinction between "willed" and "enforced" can get murky easily if we are not careful enough.
When I was young, I used to get lonely. Over the years, I learned to treasure solitude, gifts of knowledge, reading, writing, hobbies. Being stuck in a bad relationship, marriage can be a living hell. Having a stable life, secure in sticking to my life’s plan, I’ve always been ok with solitude. Getting pushed around by bad bosses, toxic people,... I love life, my faith. A lifetime of solid friends, my beloved pets, my life experiences, well... quite satisfied. I’ve meticulously dedicated to good health, education, finances, faith.
i'll come over here again and again , every video , every content .. i'll come here and say thank you from the bottom of my heart .. you touch my existence .
I'm so thankful for you The School of Life
I am a loner and I get mocked by people because of that. They don’t realise that each individual is different, I need to get some alone time to recharge for work and socialising. So thanks a lot for this video. I really needed to hear this 😊
This is incredible timing. The School of Life always seems to get me
I’ve been alone all my life. I’m 57 now. To me, loneliness has been my only companion. I’m married to it. It’s a love/hate relationship that can’t be terminate.
are you happy ?
"Yes, we have to conquer the terror of loneliness and embrace the benefits of solitude" I very much love and appreciate The School of Life Videos! Thanks a lot :)
Doesn’t help, I just don’t want to be alone!
For me, the peak of happiness is solitude.
This is profound. The "understand your past" section is so glaring, thank you!
Man. Alain always brings me to tears, but I always end up feeling great afterwards. Thank you so much for these words.
Loved the video! The animations and transitions were beautifully done! I also truly enjoyed the message, especially during these difficult times where many of us are experiencing loneliness. Thank you for the video.
This is articulated beautifully and as an introvert I relish those serene moments alone.
Unafraid to express the true negative thoughts that most of us have, -brilliantly -in order to release us from them. Thank you school of life. for being a clear and brave voice. Pure gold.
I feel so moved by this precious video. Thank you very much for it. It's always a good time to see such a great amount of wisdom and compassion.
This came at a perfect time. Me and my ex broke up 4 months ago. I told myself that I need a break from dating but I ended up texting a few of 2 female friends and grew a crushe quickly. The latest one takes a day or 2 to reply and it felt like rejection and ive been over thinking it and ended up blocking her even though we've known each other for a year from work. I unblocked her apologized but now I realized that I need to learn to not need to be in contact with women.
ahhaha weak. mgtow byouth
@@atchedai8576 acknowledging your mistake/problem and acting on it is not weak. It takes a lot to actually do it.
@@mayrake I'm not stopping all contact with women lol Im just not going to allow myself to wonder the girl Im talking to likes me or not. If the girl is attractive nice smart enough and laughs at my jokes then yea Im going to end up growing a heavy crush. I like the feeling of being in love but it makes me feel clingy even though I try my best to act like Im not. For the past years I've always been involved with a women(as in daily texting) but most times nothing ends up happening due to anxiety or them not seeing me that way or me. I need a long break where I'm not thinking of relationships. Then maybe I'll learn to not give a fuck.
It’s always a painful time after break up for people who are hurt deep inside. We feel in such a need to find someone else to love us but most chances that we feel hurt and rejected when searching for love from outside. It is our hurt inner child who needs love but other adults will always reject needy children inside us. The solution is to become a loving parent to yourself, to learn to recognize and deeply feel your emotions, and to learn to be happy on your own first of all. To cherish friend’s attention and kindness, but not to expect from them things they can’t provide (such as becoming your lover, suddenly). Then it will be easier to find a partner without an obsessive urge to be loved.
I love being alone tho. My family always is breaking my balls about how unhappy I must be to be in my room all day but exactly the expectation that extrovert = happy and introvert = depressed is nuts
Edit: I’m not a 14 y old who tries to be edgy btw, I’m almost 20, just before you comment ;)
Finding your path🤘🔥
You're not alone. Try living by yourself and having 0 people interested in checking on you. Having a ''room'' inbetween lots of people living their lives is so far from 'alone' that I could imagine, lol.
Looks like you are still in puberty
Naz Kon Im not I especially noted that.
@@dermikadomampfer3198 You can't start by saying "I love being alone" and then go on to explain how utterly not alone you are because people are bothering you. I do not have the luxury of choosing to be alone, or to feel 'bothered' or 'irritated' that I'm not alone. Alone is all I have. Nobody checks up or bothers me.
What you are describing is essentially arrogance and greed... ''I love not eating cake'' - when you have tables full of cake and people offering you it 24/7... And comparing it to somebody who's starving.
You have the choice at any moment to go eat the cake, so it's very easy for you to say. CHOICE is what matters... The pandemic has hurt people because their CHOICE to be social has been removed, whereas before they could decide to do what they wanted.
People who are lonely do not have a choice to ring somebody, or to go somewhere or to visit a friend. They don't even get to choose if they're lonely. They simply are forgotten and insignificant to everybody but themselves.
But yeh, boy oh boy, it sounds awful having a bunch of loving people checking up on you and wondering how you're doing, all whilst at any moment you could decide to leave your lair and reset your dopamine.
Difference is, you ain't lonely, and you ain't alone, and you're basically having your cake and eating it too, comparing yourself to people who don't even have a menu.
Thank you School of Life for the immense solace you’ve brought to my life time and time again. Hearing this calming voice and these wise words always alleviates me, without fail.
I never comment on your videos, but this is pure gem... Recently I felt alone but this has made me happy again... You are a good friend indeed :)
Being alone and being lonely are completely different. I've been lonelier in relationships than if I had been alone. Loneliness is the absence of connections and that can be the case no matter how many people around us
Alain - World's best voice.
This channel changed my life,my views about what’s happening with me or around me,thanks Alain
If I say the truth, whatever I am today is because of this channel. Unfortunately my parents didn't have the time/knowledge to properly raise their children, thus I suffered unknown psychological wounds (and still do). I had internalised all of the bad voices of my childhood which caused me to be extremely anxious, timid, self critical, and I severely lacked confidence. I've been following this channel for 2-3 years now, and I can say it with pride that I'm a much wiser man now than I would've been without its guidance. I just turned 19 few days back, I guess I was fortunate enough to find this extraordinary channel at the beginning of my adulthood. My mind is much quieter, I understood the reason behind my depression and now it's been more than a year that I feel great, I've become much more confident, self assertive, and a sensible human being. Although there are moments of sadness and loneliness but this channel has taught it to be part of life, I'm an introverted person, and I've self imposed my situation. I feel grateful to have had the chance to explore essential philosophy in such beautifully animated videos. Even though English is not my native language I know enough to understand the content. If Alan or anyone from The School of Life is reading, I'd just like to say thank you, thank you very much for your services, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. Keep up great work guys!
If you feel lonely on Saturday night why don't you just go outside, take a walk or something? Go to a nice cafe?
I usually go out by myself whenever I feel lonely because I had nobody to hang out with. It helps with the loneliness.
I am 30 years old, all people rejected me - never had friends or a girlfriend - not because I didnt want to, people just didnt like me.
Life sucks man
😒 yes it does
30, coming on 31 and it's notably a bad year for negative introspection. I'm learning a lot about what drives the dark sides of it all. I try for other bonds outside of my small group but rarely get them past tentative, shallow or just unfulfilling in some ways I can't quite push past. However, I'm surrounded by people who aren't necessarily happier overall through their marriages, relationships or regular socialising. I hope you find connection, and regardless of whether that happens, that you manage to make for a more comfortable solitude.
@@mackieincsouthsea i dont know what it is but people seem to not have time anymore for deeper connections. Its all so bland and on the surface. I dont like smalltalk and thats all there seems to be. That makes it so much harder.
@@scary85 Most don't sadly, we're not a generation with a huge amount of patience sadly and that's only getting worse as I see it, we expect apparent instant gratification in a lot of areas in life and that's carried into the complexity, unpredictability and fragility of relationships and it can be hard to live up to, or to power through if you're not as outspoken or resilient as your peers, which I'm certainly not. I go from meek to intense in a snap once I know people, but that transition can be long for me. It makes dating apps a fucking nightmare let me tell you, I self sabotage a lot and am still working out how much of it is deliberate, I'm over honest in ways too through fear of exposition for actually pretty menial, or inconsequential things and that can lead to drouts in conversation fairly early, start with life story and in a month its how was your day like filler stuff where most are hesitant to match the depth. I'm, erm, truly a weird one 😂
@@mackieincsouthsea To me you seem like any human with emotions. We go back and forth in emotions all the time and its natural trying to fit in. We are all trying to understand ourselves. So no, not weird, just learning :) By the way, the lack of patience. Thats my issue as well. Its seems to be getting worse as i get older. Or you can say i just tolerate less and less bullshit.
"If I had a prayer, it would be this: 'God spare me from the desire for love, approval, and appreciation. Amen.'" ~Byron Katie. My issue isn't loneliness, so I wondered why I was still unnecessarily anxious. This quote was a lightbulb moment for me. Not the prayer part, but from "spare" on. It's not that I think I shouldn't want these things, but they shouldn't be my goal in life. I can give all those to myself, I don't need it from someone else. My anxiety has greatly reduced and I'm enjoying my aloneness even more now.
I cannot explain just how much I needed this reaffirmation. Thank you
Some people prefer to be alone because they are afraid to have someone but lose them eventually, leaving them alone and longing. 😞
Solitude has always been my analgesic of choice. But what if feeling nothing is the worst pain of all ? What if the sharing of pain connects us to others and reminds us that none of us is alone as long as we can feel.
Another reason why I love this channel. It makes me understand complex concepts simply.
I needed to hear this , thank you. Just going through the process of adjusting being alone.
Funny enough, I want to be more alone than I currently am in Quarantine.
I loathe people, the modern nation is so fake, all sheep, they want everything now, conversations are shallow, TV is reality shite, children as young as 8 have acrylic nails & iPhones? What do they have to look forward to? People annoy me so much I avoid them at all costs, I hate family occasions so do not go, I am different so they say I am rude & opinionated, no, I just don't agree with you like everybody else does. I cannot work with lots of people as they wind me up with small talk of crap, I just have my animal sanctuary & volunteer. I understand so much of what you say.
I agree with both of you
I'm getting more social interaction during quarantine than I did before with my boyfriend working from home. I'm starving for some real alone time.
@@hannahloew5027 Couldn't agree more
@@hannahloew5027 same. people scare me, everything is fake , nothing is authentic … I hate the world we live in!!
but people like us can hope to change things... speak up!! otherwise they win and we are ALL lost.
I'm so glad I'm an ambivert. Ambivert is a person between introvert and extrovert. Than means I'm outgoing and easygoing person who likes to spend time people and people usually like to spend time with me, but I also like my inside little world and I can spend months just by myself and be happy and satisfied. I don't know terror of being alone but I also don't know terror of being surrounded by crowds and noise.
Hey! That's me, too! Ambivert -- that's it, that's me.
Oooor... an ambivert can be unsatisfied in both settings :D
Thank you Alain. Your videos about being content being alone help me so much. Bless you and your works.
I learned here what we worry about changes but it's still important, friend it, perspective, insight, framework... Being here is such a delight and comfort.
There's nothing wrong with being alone. Because in the end, we all end up in the same place anyway, in a casket.
You know who didn’t mind being alone? Luke Skywalker in The Last Jedi
What ablut the villagers that lived there, that doesn't count?
Thank you for existing. It is so comforting to whatch your videos in times of hardship. You are making a great job. ❤️
This was so necessary for me right now! Thank you. 🙏🏾