Psychologist On How To FEEL More Empathic | Empathetic | Empathy
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- Опубліковано 19 чер 2024
- People have frequently asked me what they can do to feel more empathy. They explain that they can act it out, but that they often lack the feeling behind it. In this video I answer this question and explain how to feel more empathetic/empathic.
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00:00 Introduction
01:11 1) Practice Feeling (In General)
01:46 Alexithymia
03:20 Origin Of Alexithymia
03:54 Normative Male Alexithymia
04:20 Numbing
05:08 Getting Better At Feeling
05:37 A) Notice Physical Sensations
06:16 B) Find A Word For It
06:26 C) Process It
09:11 2) Emotional Empathy Follows Cognitive Empathy & Empathic Action
11:06 Cognitive Empathy & Empathic Action Are Also Forms Of Empathy
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Welding, C. (2021). Fühlen lernen: Warum wir so oft unsere Emotionen nicht verstehen und wie wir das ändern können. Klett-Cotta: Stuttgart.
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#empathy #emotion #selfleadershipexperts
Keywords: becoming an expert at self leadership, maika steinborn, empathic listening, empathic reaction, how to be empathic, how to be empathetic, how to be more empathic, what is an empathic reaction, being empathic, empathetic listening, empathy, empathic abilities, empathic behavior, empathic communication, empathic responses, empathic responding, empathic understanding, alexithymia empathy, alexithymia and relationships, how to feel more empathy, how to feel more empathic
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how can i feel more for those people i have never gone through in real life like people with mental disabilities
how can i feel the most about the characters while reading a story
@@gairickdam18 Well, in a way, we will never know exactly what it's like to live someone else's life. But that's ok, it doesn't mean we can't be empathetic. It helps to spend time with people we'd like to better understand and read/listen to/watch stories they've shared.
@@gairickdam18 Another mental exercise that helps is to remind ourselves that the sensation of core emotions is similar for all of us. Pain feels the same, even if the circumstances of it may be different. The same is true for other core emotions.
I've struggled with this a lot, partly because of my childhood attachment wounds... difficult to develop empathy for yourself or others when you chronically feel the shame of feeling unloved or a lack of belonging (false core beliefs but they feel so real). I never outgrew this feeling but I agree that being able to talk about this with people who have high emotional intelligence (like you for example) helps with shedding off some of the burden of these emotions. It's like carrying a 1000 tons of baggage on your soul and not having anywhere to dump it off, eventually you find out that the only way to release this is through a meaningful emotional connection with others. The only thing that I regret is that I don't feel many in society are willing to explore their emotions that deeply, some are so obsessed with superficiality that it's impossible to share anything meaningful with them and the only consequence of that is that it makes you feel more disconnected.
Yes, childhood wounds run deep. It's great you're so aware that these feelings of not belonging come from false core beliefs, even though they feel real. And you put it so beautifully, how relieving/soothing/healing it is to enter meaningful connection. And for sure, it needs to be with the right people, people who are interested in connecting on an emotionally deep level and willing to get comfortable with everything that goes along with looking inside of themselves.
My emotions are turned off except for the ones we don't like to feel: Anger, sorrow, shame, regret, etc...
Thank you! 🙏
You're amazing. Thank you so much for videos with such a good content:)
Aw thanks 🙂 I’m glad my content is helpful! 🌷
This is my favorite video I've found on the topic, thank you.
Thank you! That‘s great, I‘m glad the video was helpful! This is such an important topic…
This was so helpful! Thanks so much and whish you a happy Yule-tide! 💐
I‘m glad it was! 😊✨ thank you and a happy Yule-tide to you, too! 🦋
Thank you !!
😊🌷🙏🏻✨🦋
Really great video, thank you so much. I related to everything you said at the beginning but I’ve never heard of alexithymia.
Thank you & merry christmas
Happy holidays to you, too! ✨
Thank you for your excellent insight.
Thank you! Glad you find my content helpful 🙂
Such an important topic, when im focused at work strong emotions boil up for me sometimes and it leads me into alot of clarification and insights and then a colleague asks me something and i lose the trail of thought again, if only they would pay me to meditate it would be a win-win situation. Great video as always Maika and a happy Christmas! 🎄
Ah, yeah, that pain of being pulled out of an important inner process! 😬 I hope you get enough time at other times to finish it :) - Merry Christmas to you, too! ✨🕯
thank you
🙂🌻
Thank you so much for these videos, I have had issues with empathy since I was a child. When I do have it it’s very extreme and engulfing. But it’s a rare thing, I do believe it is just mirroring the emotions of others and not exactly empathy. Anyhow, I am trying to become better and more empathetic for the people that I love. I really want them to feel safe and understood. Yet it is extremely difficult due to my intensely traumatic childhood which is one of the main factors in my lack of empathy.
I'm glad these videos are helping you! It sounds like you've already made some major breakthroughs and had important insights on your empathy-journey. And it makes sense to me that it is hard for you if you had a traumatic childhood. And yes, if we get swallowed up by others' emotions, that's not really empathy, it's more enmeshment/emotional fusion/codependecy something like that. Empathy doesn't require us to feel others' feelings for them, just to be present to their experience, understand it and communicate that understanding. 💕
Thanks a lot for sharing your insights Dr Maika. It's great content.
If I may, I have two questions regarding the feeling side and the more "practical" side:
1) My partner suffers from CPTSD, which makes her emotional distress often much stronger than others (including me) in the same situation. I always try my best to listen and understand the intensity of her feeling, but there's obviously a limit where I can only "know" she is in great pain, but never really know how it feels like. Now she said that she no longer feels there's an emotional connection between us, all she sees when she tells me her feeling is me "contemplating" but not actually understanding her feeling. She feels like I can only understand her feeling objectively and descriptively, but she just doesn't feel like being actually understood. She has been seeking help to deal with her issues, but obviously it's not going to be a quick process. Is there any tips you could give me to enhance my sensitivity and better understand her?
2) At some points, I started to feel like simply showing empathy is not going to change anything. Yes her feeling has been valued and understood, but what's next? I started to have a feeling that with empathy, I can know that she is bleeding, and I know why she is bleeding, but nonetheless, she is still bleeding. I noticed that I started to put more emphasis on what I should do or say to make her feel better, but this shift of focus is starting to make me getting numb about her feeling, and I definitely know this is not good for both of us. I know empathy is crucial and is the first step of everything, but if I don't know what to do next to help her feel better, I get a strong feeling of powerless, which distracts me from showing or feeling empathy as time goes by. Is there any insights you could share with us on how to comfort others?
Sorry for making a lengthy comment. Again I enjoy your video a lot, and thanks for your sharing.
I’m glad my content resonates with you and that you find it helpful. I was moved by your authentic concern for your partner and strong desire to be helpful to her and maintain a close emotional bond. These intentions and your willingness to learn and adapt your behavior are wonderful fundaments for an emotionally close relationship.
Here are some thoughts concerning your questions:
1) I assume you’ve already watched my video on „Empathy in 5 Easy Steps“:
ua-cam.com/video/SIuwJ7kb3EA/v-deo.html ?
This one on empathy fails also aims at increasing one’s sensitivity to another’s situation and how to respond: ua-cam.com/video/WwtfKrtF6wM/v-deo.html
Now there’s two routes my thoughts are taking from here. One concerns you, the other your partner. I’ll start with you:
A) It sounds like your partner might be looking for a response that is more emotionally alive. Asking questions and listening is great, but it may not feel comforting, if emotions are missing or hard to notice. Of course, we can rarely understand another’s feelings 100% and that’s also not necessary for empathy. What might help, though, is if you make sure to allow your emotions of love, care, concern, empathy to become visible in your facial expressions, audible in your tone of voice and perhaps also perceptible by touch (hand on shoulder, hugs etc.). Often, many of us grow up in environments where it’s frowned upon to show emotion. We get so used to hiding how we feel, we lose touch with how to show it when we want to. It could help to practice feeling comfortable with allowing your emotions to spill out into your face, voice and touch…
B) Your partner may be experiencing something called „existential loneliness“. This is when we feel lonely most of the time, or very quickly, even when we’re surrounded by (loving) people. This has to do with the person’s inner patterns and core beliefs, especially the ones connected to relationships. If your partner is in therapy or counseling, she might benefit from addressing this issue and working through the inner barriers that are making her feel isolated.
2) I’ll start out with a video suggestion again :) - How to Comfort Someone:
ua-cam.com/video/Nz1gl9uQM8k/v-deo.html
Aside from that, I think what you wrote resonates with a lot of people. Only being able to offer empathy for pain that repeats itself can be frustrating, and I don’t think anyone needs to stay in that position. It’s not helpful to the other person, either. I think it is helpful to also share your authentic thoughts at some point, when the upset person has calmed down and is in a position of wanting to and being able to listen. Otherwise the relationship will also suffer. Empathy shouldn’t mean holding back your authenticity.
Also, I suggest practicing to hold space for empathy, also when it starts making you feel powerless - just for a little longer. That way you can increase your capacity for empathy. We are often taught that certain emotions are "weak" - sadness, pain, grief, anxiety etc. - and that we shouldn’t have them, otherwise we’ll be a "weak person". You may not even think like this consciously, but a corner in your subconscious mind may still feel like that and that’s what creates this sense of feeling powerless or weak when you’re in a situation of having to hold space for a "weak" emotion.
I hope my thoughts help and go into the direction of what you were looking for. All the best for you and your partner and your relationship!
I have no problem feeling emotion for myself or people I care about but I simply don't care about people idk. I do the empathetic action steps but it feels more like a chore than anything my bf has been calling me selfish for this and that's why I'm here
What may help is to visualize what connects us to strangers - the basics of being human so to say… we all want to feel good, be safe, be included and happy, we all experience suffering and pain… then the stranger turns into a fellow human being ☺️
I really appreciate your video. I'm curious how you would be empathetic to someone with CPTSD who is expressing intense emotion, often rage, towards the support person because they are the one that caused the pain. How does the offender overcome the shame and fear of the expression of the hurt person and be there empathetically? I hope that made sense... Looking forward to your response or other resources that may be helpful.
I'm glad the video was helpful to you! What you're asking makes a lot of sense, and you're not the first person to ask me this. I don't know the specifics of this situation, and with trauma they can vary greatly (What exactly happened? What was the offender's role? etc.) Right now, I'm assuming the interaction you're describing might be between a parent and an adult child who is processing their childhood that left them with symptoms of CPTSD due to emotionally consequential parenting mistakes the parent made. (Or something similar.)
First off: these are amongst the most difficult circumstances to hold empathy for someone - when the pain was caused by the empathy-holder. Often the first instinct is to deny one's part in it or minimize the hurt person's pain or switch topics quickly. Often this makes the hurt person more uneasy because to them the message is: "I don't understand what I did to hurt you." which to the hurt person also means: "It might happen again."
Or it may mean to them, "It wasn't me, it was you. You've always been the problem here, and you're still the only source for your own and our problems.”
What has helped others that I've spoken to about this, is to create a clear distinction for themselves between their own value as a person and mistakes they've made. When someone we've hurt wants to talk about it, it becomes incredibly hard to be in that conversation if we interpret it to mean: "You're a completely horrible person. Everything you ever did was wrong." Often this is what the offender hears, but it's not what the hurt person is saying. It helps to mentally narrow the topic of discussion down to the specific points the hurt person is actually addressing. What the hurt person wants to say is: "At this point in time, when you did this, it made me feel that." They're addressing a very specific behavior, not the offender's whole being. They're not saying, "At your core, you're rotten and you never did anything right."
Another thing that helps, is to reframe why the hurt person is looking for empathy. It's often not because they want to bask in the position of being right and to lord it over the offender. With most people, if we've hurt them, they want to approach us to discuss what happened *to be able to remain close*. It's an act of seeking connection, and seeking to nourish and protect the relationship. It's an invitation for increased emotional intimacy: "I want to share something with you that happened in my inner world that you've never seen. This means I'm being vulnerable. I'd like you to see it, to be able to feel closer to you.“
A further important part of the equation for the offender is to allow themselves to be affected and changed by this conversation - to make sure they don't repeat their mistakes. Holding empathy without change is a mixed message: "Yes, I understand what you went through, but no, I don't want to change so it doesn't happen again." Changing problematic behavior is really important. We can't undo the past, but we can act differently in the present. This also makes it easier to forgive ourselves for past mistakes.
If the hurt person continues to express themselves with rage, screaming etc. it helps to set some boundaries: "I want to talk to you about this. This is important and I love you. At the same time, I don't think it's a good idea to talk about such a delicate issue in this volume. Let's take a 15 minute break and get back to our conversation afterwards.” Knowing you can set boundaries helps the offender to manage their fear. Having these kinds of tough conversations and holding empathy is really brave, but it doesn't mean the offender has to expose themselves to any behavior the hurt person displays.
Lastly, and this may be an obvious point you've already considered: it can also really help and is probably necessary in the case of CPTSD to seek out therapy. The therapist for the hurt person can then also moderate any further converstions between the hurt person and offender.
I hope this was helpful and I understood your question properly. All the best!
I don't feel empathy. I understand that people have a wide variety of emotions but even when they are emotions i am well versed with i don't connect on a level that allows me to feel Epithetic. I can feel Sympathy but that is it.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I wish you all the best on your journey. There are ways to practice empathy, it's a skill we can learn.
❤
💛🙂
i have alexythymia. at least my psychologist told me so. i believe its to some degree genetic too cause in my family everybody marries from the tribe and they are all like that. you know what gave me more insight into my emotions and other ppls emotions? music. i subconsciously choose the music that reflects my inner state. recently my colleague at work listened to some celine dion and enya music and I joked "did sb. die?" turned out her mother was indeed about to die.
the music sb. chooses tells you the most. but some ppl dont listen to music unfortunately 😅
That makes a lot of sense 💯👍🏻🎶
Do you have a transcript for the hearing impaired?
Yes - there's two options: 1) go to the settings wheel at the bottom right of the video and turn on auto-generated captions 2) go to the video description and click "show transcript" Hope this will work well for you!
this woman should have been my mother :)))
Aw thanks ☺️🙏🏻
Where is the description box?
There's a text block beneath the video that starts out with the number of views the video has gotten so far and the date it was uploaded. At the end of this text block you can click on "more". This is what it says in Germany, could be that the words are different in other countries - whatever the last words are, they are in bold letters and you can click on them. Once you've clicked on these words, you'll see the complete description box with all the links.
Alternatively, I can also share the link you were looking for here. And most links are also on my webpage: www.maikasteinborn.com
She sounds like Winona Ryder
🙂 People keep saying I remind them of her ☺️
@DrMaikaSteinborn you both have a lovely speaking voice. Thank you for the insightful videos.
What can the dependent children and wife do when husband develops alexithymia? The issues compound when children too have developed ADHD. No amount of psychiatric treatment can help solve this issue. Whole family keeps fighting for no reason.
Thanks for sharing. This sounds like a challenging situation to start out from and like the whole family could benefit from emotion and communication education. If the mental health professional from the past hasn’t been helpful, I suggest to try another one. There are tools that work such a family can learn to use with each other that can improve their relationships and communication ❤️
@@DrMaikaSteinborn Here, although the educated husband was the main commander and falls trapped in deep mire of depression, did continue psychiatrists’ treatment for four decades , and things did improve significantly especially after learning assertiveness skills through a book- “ Don’t say yes when you want to say no - by Herbert Fensterheim” alongside medications. However, he feels pinched as his children couldn’t be guided properly due to bad parenting. The children resent as their career were ruined; but after he successfully migrated children to US from less developed nation, situations improved dramatically after another six years of severe struggle. As you rightly pointed,a new TMS therapy did miracle and family is happier than ever before!
I have developed alexithymia and never struggled with not having enough empathy. Rather the opposite; too much open to other people's emotions and feeling.
Sounds kind of weird in regards to what you say here.
Thanks for sharing this! Alexithymia and finding it hard to feel empathy can go hand-in-hand, but they don’t have to for everyone, so what you described makes sense.