💜 Please be aware of scammers impersonating Tim or the Tim Fletcher team! We do not provide any phone numbers in the comments and Tim does not chat privately with viewers. We will never ask you to join us on a messaging app. When in doubt, reach out to us via our website at timfletcher.ca. Stay safe and scam-aware. With Love, The Tim Fletcher Team.
Same here, and feel beneath everyone.....& feel the compulsion to explain everything to everyone in defense for my just being alive 😢. It is SO tiring and disillusioning.....you end up trusting NOBODY.
@@4coolclipsthis comment explains a lot about me as well, thank you for this. I’ve written your comment down and will mention this to my therapist ad it helps me explain things I find difficult to articulate at times. I too feel compelled to explain my every motive or what has happened. I’m on the autistic spectrum as well and tend to over explain, but for these reasons. I too find it extremely hard to trust in others. The misinterpretations and misunderstandings are horrendous and also one of the contributing factor in the explaining. Exhausting and as you say, disillusioning. I hope this comment finds you well and not too down 💪🙂
Yes, it takes a long time to build it back up, if at all, and the smallest thing to smash all down again. Build back up, smashed down, a vicious cycle, debilitating and crushing. Explaining, people not believing you, dismissing, invalidating, bullying. There are some horrible people out there. I wish you well and health. Hope you find the strength in your journey 💪
@@HaakonOdinsson thank you so much for your comments 🙏💗. It somehow makes trials seem worthwhile if sharing them helps others!! Your experiences help me as well, and make me feel more 'real', if that makes any sense 🙃🤗. Keep expressing please, you have gifted insight & sensitivity I believe. I'm saving your insights as well!!
I was the helper. In 2014, I had a personality collapse. I saw the false ego mask for what it was; a facade. I realized everything I did came from an inauthentic place. My motivations were 1) the approval and validation of others, or 2) an attempt to stay safe. I realized all of my values, ideals, and beliefs were adopted (not my own) and that I had no personal integrity. I had no idea what was actually true, for me. At the time, the words I used were "I'm a people pleasing puppet that parrots the ideals of others". I realized most of my relationships followed the same "theme" and I always had a "bad guy", ie someone I blamed, for wronging me, in some way. I realized I was addicted to drama and was unable to allow myself peace. I also saw people treated me as I unconsciously believed I deserved. (I became conscious of those Shadow motivations). I saw that I had a Martyr/Victim identity. I began to realize these things, prior to understanding my childhood was traumatic. At that point, despite experiencing all 10 ACE's, I thought "my childhood wasn't ideal but I had overcome". It happened to me, but I was "fine". Thankfully, Spirit led me to information about trauma. I connected my people pleasing and inability to say no to the CSA I'd experienced. I looked up symptoms of survivors and was floored to see what I'd believed as my "personality flaws", that I'd struggled with my entire life, itemized on the list. I was in denial about many of them. It was as though the author knew me better than I did. I went off the deep end. These realizations were very destabilizing. I was in my 40s. In response, I made some pretty bad decisions, but managed to make it through. The grief process was so incredibly dark. It took me years to integrate those realizations. The more I learned about complex trauma and shame, the more things started to make sense. I so wish your channel had been up back then. I'm still trying to hear what is authentic and genuine to me (that doesn't come from conditioning). Understanding the somatic aspects of trauma has helped me to know that I need to learn to feel again. At this point, the only emotions I can consciously feel are fear, anger, and sadness. Hopefully, someday, I'll be able to feel the "good" ones too. Spirit has really led me through this healing journey. So much of it was done in the dark. But the right people and information came into my life and my needs have always been provided for. It's definitely been a process. But I can look back at who I once was and see so much growth. I have a hard time even comprehending my old disempowered and wounded mindset now. I have faith that it'll continue. Thank you so much for what you do. FYI, I write about my healing journey and share resources and insights I've found along the way. If you're interested in checking it out, it's on FB and called "Wholeness Remembered". To whomever is reading this; you're a precious Soul and you matter. Sending love. I hope your path is gentle. Please be kind and patient with yourself. You deserve your own empathy and compassion.
God Bless You. May you be a blessing to many. I didn't have the right words to put my experience into words. You have explained it so well. I am currently working hard to leave the past behind and follow my passion. Because of CT, I didn't have the courage to follow my passion and was stuck with very low paying jobs far below my capacity. It was basically "you don't deserve anything good" core belief that kept me bound. Now that there is some understanding I am doing everything in my capacity to become the best me and to make my dreams a reality. I want to be a good human and live a life of meaning and purpose. Do pray for me. Sending hugs and love for others on this journey. 🥰
Thank You Tim. I am from India. My big family is reeling under the impact of complex trauma. I only knew something was wrong with me. While my counterparts were progressing in life, I was battling crippling negativity and hopelessness. When I shared my struggles with my family and friends, many blamed me for being so negative and also told God will not like me because of my negativity. So many nights my pillow was drenched with my tears. Nobody understood me. Even psychologists and doctors. Finally,🙏🙏🙏 I found you. Now I know there is a way out. My wilderness is over forever. Praise God. God bless your work. May your work be a source of freedom, hope and strength to many and many. I will do my best to serve others who are suffering.
Awww I completely understand you as well. I live in America but I've also been raised by dysfunctional Indian parents. It's always been about survival for them. And now I've been left empty after a childhood of neglect
I agree Tim helped me tremendously and it is an ongoing process. Baruch korman teaching helped me too. Both combined are the mentors in my life. Growing and also becoming an agent of change.
Gosh if people spend an hour a day listening to this and other helpful therapist here in YT, a whole lot of people would be more healed and compassionate of others and themselves. Channels like this are extremely valuable. I’m beyond grateful.
@daedra40 Heidi Priebe is a really helpful channel I've found recently. The first video I saw of her, "Toxic shame: what is and how to heal from it", blew my mind. I finally understood why I feel so wrong to my core. And her other videos are very helpful and informative as well.
@aishahouwen4686 I appreciate that recommendation. I will give it a listen. Can't imagine being blown to the core but I'm inclined to believe it's possible for me to feel the same.
@@daedra40 Theraphy in A Nutshell and Med Circle are the channels that gave me a lot of tools that in a way fast tracked my healing, aka, self trust and confidence. But i truly started with Patrick Teahan to understand what sort of unhealthy family dynamic i was in, then i got a bit of counseling just for the validation and to keep and keep and keep crying it all out. Lol. Cause it’s really painful, disorienting and difficult navigating it all by yourself in the beginning. I wish you the best, i hope you get more moments of joy and peace from here on out.
Speaking of feeling the range of emotions to heal core toxic shame, I needed to feel deeply the grief of living a lie and compounding my problems for so much of my life. I felt my shame as “interalized devaluation,” which I had to externalize and hand back to my parents. When I held them accountable (in my heart) for betraying me, when I realized the truth that I was always inherently a noble being, I also realized that they had been betrayed by their parents as well. So, I handed it all up to God to take care of all of us in this shame-bound family legacy. Once I felt worthy, and free of resentment, I felt entitled to fully live the life I was given by my Creator. Competent therapy helped for my being witnessed and then as a support for the backlash I got for distancing myself from unhealthy people and living into my liberation.
Hi Sir, I'm from India. when you conduct these sessions, it's 5 am here. I cannot attend the live, but I'd like to thank you because all your videos help immensely.
The individualist a.k.a the dismissive avoidant does not want others to see their pain because to admit that they have a deep longing for connection is shame-inducing and anxiety-provoking in itself. I agree that their thwarted attempts to connect with their early caregiver created a deep sense of shame, which they try to ameliorate by being hyper-independent and denying their need for connection. They alternate between drawing you in and pushing you away when they become unnerved by the physical and emotional intimacy. This in my experience is about as traumatising as being love-bombed and subsequently devalued by a narcissist because they disregard others’ need for safe attachment and consistency.
I recognise myself in this post. I come from a long line of DA women. I hope I'm making a change in this cycle and that my daughter will be healthier than I.
@@Crescent_Moon_Rising Heidi Priebe has an excellent video on her channel about this. I think it’s called, “Should we blame our parents?” I also wanna say this, and I say it with love; hope is not a plan. We need to come up with plans ahead of time so that we can remind ourselves which decisions are the right ones in those times when we’re weakest.
@@waynepolo6193 thank you. I began watching the suggested video and realised that I know where it was going. Just to clarify, my comment doesn't come from a place of blame of my parents, only from a place of understanding. I know their patterns, their why's for behaviours as I understand my own. I've noticed a change around my behaviours the more I learn and become aware of myself. It's a long process, but I'm working on it.
@@Crescent_Moon_Rising Great! I’m glad to hear it and also appreciate you taking the time to check out the suggestion! I do encourage you to watch/listen to it all the way through, if you haven’t. I think the message may be a slightly, and pleasantly, different from what one would expect.
You know what though? It can also be the case that perfect performance does NOT bring validation because the narcissistic parent doesn't WANT the child to succeed, perhaps out of jealousy or a threat to their martyr image. The parent will shame the child for failure AND for success.
I will always remember that the first time i openly cried in front of my therapist was when i got diagnosed with cptsd. She asked me at the end of that particular session what it was that made me cry, particularly, that's the first time i felt like myself in a long time.
Children of narcissist parents learn to ignore and hide pain, this becomes a problem because they can't feel their own physical limits, and therefore are more likely to get injured, they also have problems communicating their pain to doctors and others.
You are my hero! I've been looking for an answer to my problems of 54 years. God put you on this Earth as a healing angel. You have no idea what your lectures have done for my broken soul
Brilliant Tim. This is such valuable information and the timing of these dropping on Fridays works so well. More time to reflect and unburden the shame over these coming days.
Holy crap. What an incredible video. Thank you so much. I couldnt believe how much pertains to me, except quite a few of the extremes. Im not arrogant i dont look down on others and am not judgemental in any strong sense. Vaidation seeking hell yes and nearly all the rest, except 6. I didnt understand. Always been looked up to, successful and a million friends. Now, last 5 years. I feel a complete burden. I live with severe chronic neck back and sternum pain. Depression over emotional. Cry so much, I cant work. Lost my businesses, workaholic, helper (takes my mind off of my pain) ive been so sad for so long. Used to be going out 6 nigjts a week sometimes 3 parties in one night. Popular pary fun crazy top friend. Now im a hermit Now i hide in my rented room. Feeing so useless. I NEVER used to cry. Feel lile a complete failure. I hate to even answer my ph. Hate me. Dont want others to see me like this... Brought up by a sadistic narcissist mother. Only. Ruined her life by existing. Married a grandiose narcissist i had one son. Sadly he seems to takes after his dad, its so sad. Sorry for rambling. Ive never listened to so many lightbulbs. I used to be proud of myself as an adult most the time... Now, i have lost all strength and motivation. Victimy. I hate that. And feeling so weak. When i reLly need to aDvocate for myself.. getting help. Im so bad at this over emotional stuff. Sorry,
Believe me, you’re not the only one. It’s ok to express yourself here. I think most people here can understand or at least relate. I’m in my late 40s and going through this self discovery/understanding/realizing how so much of how I behave (and has made me feel so awkward or plain bad) comes from trauma. It sucks! But it may be the only way to healing
Wow! Thanks for this. Doing the right things for the right reasons is so key. I can see how it can be hard to be authentic and healthy when good things are done for the wrong reasons but we do them because it soothes our pain.
I'm so glad there is much more known about (c)ptsd and the consequences. Ive been in therapy for over 20 years now (regular and alternative therapists), but only since a few years the knowledge about this is growing and there is such a difference in how Im being treated by therapists. It all becomes clear now and me watching these videos helps a lot. I am connecting dots and this makes me more in control of myself. So, thank you, Tim, for making this information so accessible.
Your insight is exceptional. Thank you so very much for taking the time and making the enormous effort to share your wisdom with us. It is very much appreciated! ❤
You are great. Thank you so much x your work. I was raised as the "golden child" of a narcisistic family. My psiquiatrist explained me, in line with what your exposing, that I was a "sobreadaptada" overadapted girl. That, among other things, caused me to became kind a workaholic and having the feeling that I must be all the time productive or active (wish, consequently, drove me to one serious kidney disease and burnouts, more than once). Best regards.
My covert vulnerable narcissistic mother blamed as well as shamed me & my malignant psychopathic narcissist father used control as well as criticism. Both were the only child of an older mother that didn’t want children but got pregnant in their marriages very late. These mothers treated them the same way that they treated me. I didn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell
This is the guy all the fans of Jordan Peterson should be picking up on. Someone who brings his deep knowledge of psychotherapy to the masses without mainpulating their fragile masculinity. It's like pulling the covers off and looking at all our BS through some protective archeological looking glass.
Excellent point! As a former (female) admirer of Peterson’s I agree. This is a so much more honest, compassionate and ultimately more effective approach to mankind’s problems.
I got petersons book and never got past the second chapter. Something seems off to me but not in a malicious sense. I think it’s that he’s in the questioning stage of faith still while Tim has both clinical experience and solid faith. Tims overall more trustworthy to me🤷🏽♂️
Tremendous. This video reached me at exactly the right time. It's so funny. I always find the expert who agrees, but only after I myself have realized the truth. Thank you for validating my thoughts on complex trauma and behaviors. It helps me on a personal level too, but who isn't struggling out here.
I would so love to see you do a series on counterdependence. I struggle with CPTSD but don't relate to this desire to do things purely for validation at all, and I wonder if it's part of the counterdependence thing.
My difficulties were I was a workaholic/perfectionist, no life balance, but also had a problem with management/being asked to do anything by people whose position accorded them some power over me, and resentment that others who worked less hard were favored over my difficult self. Work was a minefield that I had no idea how to manage, and the consequence was illness and disability, I so wish these teachings/therapies had been around when I was much younger
I would do so much for validation. I dated men and even once married a man I didn’t like because they wouldn’t leave me. And I hated having sex with them because it just felt like I had to give up my body to get my needs met. And my need was just to have someone care about me. It’s so shameful to me now; it’s embarrassing. I haven’t dated in years and my therapist doesn’t really get it; she just tells me I need to get back out there.
Fantastic lesson Tim. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and insights on this relatable topic. As an alienated father and a clinician I am familiar with all of this material but i think just like everyone else here...I just love the way you break it all down in your personal style. I appreciate you. ❤🙏
I've been slowly absorbing the information and it's easy to digest, even easier to accept. I'm rather shocked to be honest, I've found myself moving through the first 9 different personality types, but the 10th one or the comedian, I never grew into that. I had diverged and instead found humor to be a source of suffering. I instead found my peace within logic and reason within psychological explanations. It was as if the very moment I understood the craziness I experienced, the weight would be lifted and the pain would be stopped temporarily. Until the next event took place and would hijack my focus to divert all the energy necessary to alleviate the pain. I feel allergic to pain, but constantly seek it knowing that the only relief is on the other side. Life feels like a rollar-coaster but the more I learn, the better I feel in the long run.
19:30 was the perfect definition of the narcissist in my life. I refuse to be anything to him though, if he's not willing to take the long journey of healing.
Thank you for your all your work and time you put into these great videos. Such valuable and much needed information. So many lights going off when listening to your videos.
In today's society, many families are under constant pressure to prioritize financial stability and work long hours to support their lifestyle. This pressure often stems from the burden of hefty home mortgages, skyrocketing expenses, and the desire for material possessions. Additionally, the need to fit in with family, friends, and community can also add to this pressure. The desire to travel to expensive vacation destinations can also contribute to the need for extra income. As a result, many families find themselves sacrificing to maintain their financial stability and keep up with the expectations of those around them.
I usually watch these to learn a little bit more about traits from my own trauma but today I just learned a little bit about my brothers. Interesting eye opener.
I dunno..I mean I take care of my dad and everyone sais is hard whereas I feel is the best thing ever happenned .if I m asked for help I give wo limits until exhaustion hits wo priorly realising i m getting tired or overwhelmed. .if I m not asked I don't seek to help nor feel the lack ,of,especially validation since the contrary actually happenns, i m ashamed if someone compliments me for good results .it just feels natural to me and pleasing to pamper n care for others
Thank you, Tim. 🙏❤️. I look forward to these Friday night videos. Could you please talk about insecure and anxious attachment from childhood trauma and how it affects us through our life.
But what do we do with this? I have shame and guilt attached to me my entire life. I come from a very big family. I constantly feel like a burden. On everyone for everything.
51:14 what do you mean we all have some of these things? The thing that i find tricky is identity and knowing myself who I am. Because some of me feels traumatised and essentially like most things you mentioned and then another part of me does feel healthy and grounded. I struggle to know which part of me is coming forward. If we all have this inner dilemma then what's a traumatised person and what's a secure person. -Thank you for the video once again, life changing for me
I never understood how sport or competition was about connecting. I never understood why people want to play games and risk the suffering of failure. I never understood when people say "they play for fun". What fun? The "achiever" part perfectly describes my coping mechanism for childhood shame.
The limbic brain being somehow less than or lower than the cortex is no longer accepted as a valid explanation of how the brain works. The Emotional Life of Your Brain by Dr. Davidson, Future Tense by Dr. Dennis-Tiwary, and The Grieving Brain by Dr. O'Connor are books based on neurological aspects of emotion. It's hard to help people when the map of where you think they are is bad, and the direction you try to lead them is worse.
I'm learning. Is guilt different from shame?They must hold hands.But just wondering if there's a distinction between the two?And how they work together in complex trama. Can you dig into the wormhole of shame contributing to guilt.Or guilt then shame. And how people with Complex trama. Might create situations to continue and validate the guilt.Your are discussing this in this video. You are so good at expressing the deal in layman terms. I'd love to hear more on that subject.Thanks!! Your awesome!
That is for sure!! Adapt w/o or evaluation on "how-to" ....to be helpful or to make sure I was maturing as I thought I should be. Not to get things ... until I need to get a job. Cause I wanted to purchase things. Domestic stuff I eventually sabatoged! LoL to heck w/ it. Only in my home though. And I refuse to "sacrifice " cause I don't know how I want things or where when it needs order!
Im not sure what , i can do with all the anger and rage Honestly Labels puss me off .... more than ever .... I used to be curious ..now im just pissed off all day every day Therapy is not for me, and tims f. Stuff here is most helpful...its calming to . So maybe its just ..me. And CPTSD Fear and faith all day Im oprn to heal the anger tho ..... Im very open to know more and finally see me and know me
Any recommended beginner playlist? Overwhelming to see the amount of lectures. A traumatized person have a very little reservoir of capacity to deal with concepts, information and long lectures takes toll.
Thank you. I don’t agree that they become rule keeper etc. here you contradict your earlier ideas. I think many just become so easy with others feeling they can’t change anyone but stretching themselves.
Much work when young over the top thatch scrape house before painting um yard work ...yes i missed out a lot. It taght me persever fortitude distract pain for coping .
💜 Please be aware of scammers impersonating Tim or the Tim Fletcher team! We do not provide any phone numbers in the comments and Tim does not chat privately with viewers. We will never ask you to join us on a messaging app. When in doubt, reach out to us via our website at timfletcher.ca. Stay safe and scam-aware. With Love, The Tim Fletcher Team.
My Trauma Therapist said that loving relationships need to have Mutuality, Reciprocity and Freedom
I agree , and. It s. Simply never been.... We
Hen it was , I missed it
Self sabotage...☕👾😂🌃
Also important relating to this, one partner should never control the other, neither emotionally nor physically nor materially.
Shame is so immense. The smallest shame and I can give all my power away.
Same here, and feel beneath everyone.....& feel the compulsion to explain everything to everyone in defense for my just being alive 😢. It is SO tiring and disillusioning.....you end up trusting NOBODY.
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤you’re not alone ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
@@4coolclipsthis comment explains a lot about me as well, thank you for this. I’ve written your comment down and will mention this to my therapist ad it helps me explain things I find difficult to articulate at times. I too feel compelled to explain my every motive or what has happened. I’m on the autistic spectrum as well and tend to over explain, but for these reasons. I too find it extremely hard to trust in others. The misinterpretations and misunderstandings are horrendous and also one of the contributing factor in the explaining. Exhausting and as you say, disillusioning. I hope this comment finds you well and not too down 💪🙂
Yes, it takes a long time to build it back up, if at all, and the smallest thing to smash all down again. Build back up, smashed down, a vicious cycle, debilitating and crushing. Explaining, people not believing you, dismissing, invalidating, bullying. There are some horrible people out there. I wish you well and health. Hope you find the strength in your journey 💪
@@HaakonOdinsson thank you so much for your comments 🙏💗. It somehow makes trials seem worthwhile if sharing them helps others!! Your experiences help me as well, and make me feel more 'real', if that makes any sense 🙃🤗. Keep expressing please, you have gifted insight & sensitivity I believe. I'm saving your insights as well!!
The helper, the workaholic, the competetor, the analyst, the individualist, the rule keeper, the optimist, the leader, the perfectionist, the comedian
So true!
I am all of those things 😢
I'm not any of these things. I'm just a lazy selfish asshole.
@@josephpa05you’re not alone. If it helps, know that if you’re watching this, you’re headed in the right direction.
@@PremierSullivan why do you say that
I was the helper.
In 2014, I had a personality collapse. I saw the false ego mask for what it was; a facade.
I realized everything I did came from an inauthentic place. My motivations were 1) the approval and validation of others, or 2) an attempt to stay safe. I realized all of my values, ideals, and beliefs were adopted (not my own) and that I had no personal integrity. I had no idea what was actually true, for me. At the time, the words I used were "I'm a people pleasing puppet that parrots the ideals of others".
I realized most of my relationships followed the same "theme" and I always had a "bad guy", ie someone I blamed, for wronging me, in some way.
I realized I was addicted to drama and was unable to allow myself peace. I also saw people treated me as I unconsciously believed I deserved. (I became conscious of those Shadow motivations).
I saw that I had a Martyr/Victim identity.
I began to realize these things, prior to understanding my childhood was traumatic. At that point, despite experiencing all 10 ACE's, I thought "my childhood wasn't ideal but I had overcome". It happened to me, but I was "fine".
Thankfully, Spirit led me to information about trauma. I connected my people pleasing and inability to say no to the CSA I'd experienced.
I looked up symptoms of survivors and was floored to see what I'd believed as my "personality flaws", that I'd struggled with my entire life, itemized on the list. I was in denial about many of them. It was as though the author knew me better than I did.
I went off the deep end. These realizations were very destabilizing. I was in my 40s. In response, I made some pretty bad decisions, but managed to make it through. The grief process was so incredibly dark.
It took me years to integrate those realizations. The more I learned about complex trauma and shame, the more things started to make sense.
I so wish your channel had been up back then.
I'm still trying to hear what is authentic and genuine to me (that doesn't come from conditioning).
Understanding the somatic aspects of trauma has helped me to know that I need to learn to feel again. At this point, the only emotions I can consciously feel are fear, anger, and sadness. Hopefully, someday, I'll be able to feel the "good" ones too.
Spirit has really led me through this healing journey. So much of it was done in the dark. But the right people and information came into my life and my needs have always been provided for.
It's definitely been a process. But I can look back at who I once was and see so much growth. I have a hard time even comprehending my old disempowered and wounded mindset now.
I have faith that it'll continue.
Thank you so much for what you do.
FYI, I write about my healing journey and share resources and insights I've found along the way. If you're interested in checking it out, it's on FB and called "Wholeness Remembered".
To whomever is reading this; you're a precious Soul and you matter. Sending love. I hope your path is gentle. Please be kind and patient with yourself. You deserve your own empathy and compassion.
God Bless You. May you be a blessing to many.
I didn't have the right words to put my experience into words.
You have explained it so well.
I am currently working hard to leave the past behind and follow my passion. Because of CT, I didn't have the courage to follow my passion and was stuck with very low paying jobs far below my capacity. It was basically "you don't deserve anything good" core belief that kept me bound. Now that there is some understanding I am doing everything in my capacity to become the best me and to make my dreams a reality.
I want to be a good human and live a life of meaning and purpose. Do pray for me.
Sending hugs and love for others on this journey. 🥰
WoW, thank you for sharing your journey experience. "Personality Break" - first time ive come across this term.
Your words exactly match my experience and mine has been a muti-year journey. God bless you
Thankyou for sharing ❤
You're my hero. Your words mean more to me than you could know. Thank you.
I wish I found you much earlier in life
Me, too.
Same!
There is no such thing you find it when you are ready somehow 🥸
I feel that. At the same time, some people will never have the gift of finding him.
Greatful we are here now not never.
Thank You Tim. I am from India. My big family is reeling under the impact of complex trauma.
I only knew something was wrong with me. While my counterparts were progressing in life, I was battling crippling negativity and hopelessness. When I shared my struggles with my family and friends, many blamed me for being so negative and also told God will not like me because of my negativity.
So many nights my pillow was drenched with my tears. Nobody understood me. Even psychologists and doctors.
Finally,🙏🙏🙏 I found you. Now I know there is a way out. My wilderness is over forever. Praise God.
God bless your work. May your work be a source of freedom, hope and strength to many and many.
I will do my best to serve others who are suffering.
❤❤❤
Awww I completely understand you as well. I live in America but I've also been raised by dysfunctional Indian parents. It's always been about survival for them. And now I've been left empty after a childhood of neglect
❤❤❤ wow! What a beautiful message.
Take care of yourself first.
I agree Tim helped me tremendously and it is an ongoing process. Baruch korman teaching helped me too. Both combined are the mentors in my life. Growing and also becoming an agent of change.
Attracting a highly narcissistic person will cause a very painful wakeup call for a 'Helper'.
This video is a 50 minute long reminder that no one will reward good behavior, ever. I don't think it's ever happened, even once.
Gosh if people spend an hour a day listening to this and other helpful therapist here in YT, a whole lot of people would be more healed and compassionate of others and themselves. Channels like this are extremely valuable. I’m beyond grateful.
Can you share some therapists/channels you'd recommend on this journey of daily improvement?
@@daedra40Heidi Priebe is one!
@daedra40 Heidi Priebe is a really helpful channel I've found recently. The first video I saw of her, "Toxic shame: what is and how to heal from it", blew my mind. I finally understood why I feel so wrong to my core. And her other videos are very helpful and informative as well.
@aishahouwen4686 I appreciate that recommendation. I will give it a listen. Can't imagine being blown to the core but I'm inclined to believe it's possible for me to feel the same.
@@daedra40 Theraphy in A Nutshell and Med Circle are the channels that gave me a lot of tools that in a way fast tracked my healing, aka, self trust and confidence. But i truly started with Patrick Teahan to understand what sort of unhealthy family dynamic i was in, then i got a bit of counseling just for the validation and to keep and keep and keep crying it all out. Lol. Cause it’s really painful, disorienting and difficult navigating it all by yourself in the beginning. I wish you the best, i hope you get more moments of joy and peace from here on out.
Speaking of feeling the range of emotions to heal core toxic shame, I needed to feel deeply the grief of living a lie and compounding my problems for so much of my life. I felt my shame as “interalized devaluation,” which I had to externalize and hand back to my parents. When I held them accountable (in my heart) for betraying me, when I realized the truth that I was always inherently a noble being, I also realized that they had been betrayed by their parents as well. So, I handed it all up to God to take care of all of us in this shame-bound family legacy. Once I felt worthy, and free of resentment, I felt entitled to fully live the life I was given by my Creator. Competent therapy helped for my being witnessed and then as a support for the backlash I got for distancing myself from unhealthy people and living into my liberation.
Hi Sir, I'm from India. when you conduct these sessions, it's 5 am here.
I cannot attend the live, but I'd like to thank you because all your videos help immensely.
The individualist a.k.a the dismissive avoidant does not want others to see their pain because to admit that they have a deep longing for connection is shame-inducing and anxiety-provoking in itself. I agree that their thwarted attempts to connect with their early caregiver created a deep sense of shame, which they try to ameliorate by being hyper-independent and denying their need for connection. They alternate between drawing you in and pushing you away when they become unnerved by the physical and emotional intimacy. This in my experience is about as traumatising as being love-bombed and subsequently devalued by a narcissist because they disregard others’ need for safe attachment and consistency.
I recognise myself in this post. I come from a long line of DA women. I hope I'm making a change in this cycle and that my daughter will be healthier than I.
@@Crescent_Moon_Rising Heidi Priebe has an excellent video on her channel about this. I think it’s called, “Should we blame our parents?” I also wanna say this, and I say it with love; hope is not a plan. We need to come up with plans ahead of time so that we can remind ourselves which decisions are the right ones in those times when we’re weakest.
@@waynepolo6193 thank you. I began watching the suggested video and realised that I know where it was going. Just to clarify, my comment doesn't come from a place of blame of my parents, only from a place of understanding. I know their patterns, their why's for behaviours as I understand my own. I've noticed a change around my behaviours the more I learn and become aware of myself. It's a long process, but I'm working on it.
@@Crescent_Moon_Rising Great! I’m glad to hear it and also appreciate you taking the time to check out the suggestion! I do encourage you to watch/listen to it all the way through, if you haven’t. I think the message may be a slightly, and pleasantly, different from what one would expect.
It's not disregarding if you are unaware.
May the Algorythym be with you!
and you as well. 👌
Good one
Yup...🥳🎁🤠🤣
You know what though? It can also be the case that perfect performance does NOT bring validation because the narcissistic parent doesn't WANT the child to succeed, perhaps out of jealousy or a threat to their martyr image. The parent will shame the child for failure AND for success.
I will always remember that the first time i openly cried in front of my therapist was when i got diagnosed with cptsd. She asked me at the end of that particular session what it was that made me cry, particularly, that's the first time i felt like myself in a long time.
Children of narcissist parents learn to ignore and hide pain, this becomes a problem because they can't feel their own physical limits, and therefore are more likely to get injured, they also have problems communicating their pain to doctors and others.
I help people constantly. It has never made me feel superior to another person.
Not even once!
Maybe, you are just better than those people who do. Have you thought about that?
You are my hero! I've been looking for an answer to my problems of 54 years. God put you on this Earth as a healing angel. You have no idea what your lectures have done for my broken soul
I found out that if I feel really bad and get stuck in negative talk, I write an apology letter to myself
Helps quite a bit
Brilliant Tim. This is such valuable information and the timing of these dropping on Fridays works so well. More time to reflect and unburden the shame over these coming days.
Holy crap. What an incredible video. Thank you so much. I couldnt believe how much pertains to me, except quite a few of the extremes. Im not arrogant i dont look down on others and am not judgemental in any strong sense.
Vaidation seeking hell yes and nearly all the rest, except 6. I didnt understand.
Always been looked up to, successful and a million friends.
Now, last 5 years. I feel a complete burden. I live with severe chronic neck back and sternum pain. Depression over emotional. Cry so much, I cant work. Lost my businesses, workaholic, helper (takes my mind off of my pain) ive been so sad for so long. Used to be going out 6 nigjts a week sometimes 3 parties in one night. Popular pary fun crazy top friend.
Now im a hermit
Now i hide in my rented room.
Feeing so useless. I NEVER used to cry.
Feel lile a complete failure. I hate to even answer my ph.
Hate me. Dont want others to see me like this...
Brought up by a sadistic narcissist mother. Only. Ruined her life by existing.
Married a grandiose narcissist i had one son. Sadly he seems to takes after his dad, its so sad.
Sorry for rambling. Ive never listened to so many lightbulbs.
I used to be proud of myself as an adult most the time...
Now, i have lost all strength and motivation. Victimy. I hate that. And feeling so weak. When i reLly need to aDvocate for myself.. getting help. Im so bad at this over emotional stuff.
Sorry,
I’m sorry that happened to you. You deserve love and compassion. I believe in you.
Omg your story made me cry very similar to mine!
Don't give up. Keep learning about yourself.
Believe me, you’re not the only one. It’s ok to express yourself here. I think most people here can understand or at least relate. I’m in my late 40s and going through this self discovery/understanding/realizing how so much of how I behave (and has made me feel so awkward or plain bad) comes from trauma. It sucks! But it may be the only way to healing
Wow! Thanks for this. Doing the right things for the right reasons is so key. I can see how it can be hard to be authentic and healthy when good things are done for the wrong reasons but we do them because it soothes our pain.
I'm so glad there is much more known about (c)ptsd and the consequences. Ive been in therapy for over 20 years now (regular and alternative therapists), but only since a few years the knowledge about this is growing and there is such a difference in how Im being treated by therapists. It all becomes clear now and me watching these videos helps a lot. I am connecting dots and this makes me more in control of myself. So, thank you, Tim, for making this information so accessible.
Your insight is exceptional. Thank you so very much for taking the time and making the enormous effort to share your wisdom with us. It is very much appreciated! ❤
You are great. Thank you so much x your work.
I was raised as the "golden child" of a narcisistic family.
My psiquiatrist explained me, in line with what your exposing, that I was a "sobreadaptada" overadapted girl.
That, among other things, caused me to became kind a workaholic and having the feeling that I must be all the time productive or active (wish, consequently, drove me to one serious kidney disease and burnouts, more than once).
Best regards.
Tim Fletcher has changed my life, I love you sooo much ! ❤❤❤❤ God is really working through you! Thank you for allowing him to use you the way he is!!
This is painful. Your teaching is so profound to me it hurts realization of stuff inside that never got fixed.
Thank you Tim for your brilliance and compassionate understanding of human fralities .
My covert vulnerable narcissistic mother blamed as well as shamed me & my malignant psychopathic narcissist father used control as well as criticism. Both were the only child of an older mother that didn’t want children but got pregnant in their marriages very late. These mothers treated them the same way that they treated me. I didn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell
Tim is great! Straight to the point and sooo easy to understand
The info you provide is invaluable. Thank you.
This is the guy all the fans of Jordan Peterson should be picking up on. Someone who brings his deep knowledge of psychotherapy to the masses without mainpulating their fragile masculinity. It's like pulling the covers off and looking at all our BS through some protective archeological looking glass.
Jordan Peterson is all in on patriarchy. He sucks.
Excellent point! As a former (female) admirer of Peterson’s I agree. This is a so much more honest, compassionate and ultimately more effective approach to mankind’s problems.
Preach!❤
I got petersons book and never got past the second chapter. Something seems off to me but not in a malicious sense. I think it’s that he’s in the questioning stage of faith still while Tim has both clinical experience and solid faith. Tims overall more trustworthy to me🤷🏽♂️
I have never seen such a grandiose narcissistic mess of word salad vomit as Jordan Peterson.
Every video helps bring more clarity to help my own healing journey .much grattitude Tim
Tremendous. This video reached me at exactly the right time. It's so funny. I always find the expert who agrees, but only after I myself have realized the truth. Thank you for validating my thoughts on complex trauma and behaviors.
It helps me on a personal level too, but who isn't struggling out here.
I would so love to see you do a series on counterdependence. I struggle with CPTSD but don't relate to this desire to do things purely for validation at all, and I wonder if it's part of the counterdependence thing.
This breaks a lot of stuff open! This is exactly what I need to hear today.
My difficulties were I was a workaholic/perfectionist, no life balance, but also had a problem with management/being asked to do anything by people whose position accorded them some power over me, and resentment that others who worked less hard were favored over my difficult self. Work was a minefield that I had no idea how to manage, and the consequence was illness and disability, I so wish these teachings/therapies had been around when I was much younger
I would do so much for validation. I dated men and even once married a man I didn’t like because they wouldn’t leave me. And I hated having sex with them because it just felt like I had to give up my body to get my needs met. And my need was just to have someone care about me.
It’s so shameful to me now; it’s embarrassing. I haven’t dated in years and my therapist doesn’t really get it; she just tells me I need to get back out there.
your problem is that it feels shameful :)
‘Good boy for being such a good little helper’ the story of my early life.
I was a helper. I was always thinking about how to help and sacrifice for others, thinking it’s about love and peace. Now I’m just bitter
Same, I was a kid worrying & making sure other kids in the family were ok because my message was "you need to help, don't be selfish no good kid"
Fantastic lesson Tim.
Thank you for sharing your knowledge and insights on this relatable topic.
As an alienated father and a clinician I am familiar with all of this material but i think just like everyone else here...I just love the way you break it all down in your personal style.
I appreciate you. ❤🙏
I’m #5! Also #7. 😬 but I’m definitely making progress healing in the last few years. So grateful I found you! On Theo Von’s podcast!
Thank you these videos are helping me enormously 🙏
Thank you for the light of awareness your teaching brings to me. It helps to untangle the massive wad of mess.
I've been slowly absorbing the information and it's easy to digest, even easier to accept.
I'm rather shocked to be honest, I've found myself moving through the first 9 different personality types, but the 10th one or the comedian, I never grew into that. I had diverged and instead found humor to be a source of suffering. I instead found my peace within logic and reason within psychological explanations. It was as if the very moment I understood the craziness I experienced, the weight would be lifted and the pain would be stopped temporarily. Until the next event took place and would hijack my focus to divert all the energy necessary to alleviate the pain.
I feel allergic to pain, but constantly seek it knowing that the only relief is on the other side. Life feels like a rollar-coaster but the more I learn, the better I feel in the long run.
This is probably the most insightful talk I’ve come across on the subject. Thank you so very much
19:30 was the perfect definition of the narcissist in my life. I refuse to be anything to him though, if he's not willing to take the long journey of healing.
Really appreciate the perspective of GOOD things beig distorted by shame...❤️
Omg, my personality in a nutshell. Thank you so much for this video, extremely eye opening
Thank you for your all your work and time you put into these great videos. Such valuable and much needed information. So many lights going off when listening to your videos.
Chasing Obedience and Desire to Serve
God bless you, Tim Flectcher.
Thank you, Tim. We were made for some Connection as well as alone time
I ❤️Friday Night with Tim ‼️
Love this series such wisdom in so many of your teachings ⚓️
In today's society, many families are under constant pressure to prioritize financial stability and work long hours to support their lifestyle. This pressure often stems from the burden of hefty home mortgages, skyrocketing expenses, and the desire for material possessions. Additionally, the need to fit in with family, friends, and community can also add to this pressure. The desire to travel to expensive vacation destinations can also contribute to the need for extra income. As a result, many families find themselves sacrificing to maintain their financial stability and keep up with the expectations of those around them.
I usually watch these to learn a little bit more about traits from my own trauma but today I just learned a little bit about my brothers. Interesting eye opener.
I dunno..I mean I take care of my dad and everyone sais is hard whereas I feel is the best thing ever happenned .if I m asked for help I give wo limits until exhaustion hits wo priorly realising i m getting tired or overwhelmed.
.if I m not asked I don't seek to help nor feel the lack ,of,especially validation since
the contrary actually happenns, i m ashamed if someone compliments me for good results
.it just feels natural to me and pleasing to pamper n care for others
Now you see me here, listen & watch carefully... VPO.. TY!
That was not easy to follow me, from england to russia... VPO.. TY!
Wow you just described my overbearing sister in law very well.
Thank you, Tim. 🙏❤️. I look forward to these Friday night videos. Could you please talk about insecure and anxious attachment from childhood trauma and how it affects us through our life.
But what do we do with this? I have shame and guilt attached to me my entire life. I come from a very big family. I constantly feel like a burden. On everyone for everything.
Jay Reid has a lot of good content about this. His three pillars of recovery are very helpful for progressing through the work.
51:14 what do you mean we all have some of these things? The thing that i find tricky is identity and knowing myself who I am. Because some of me feels traumatised and essentially like most things you mentioned and then another part of me does feel healthy and grounded. I struggle to know which part of me is coming forward. If we all have this inner dilemma then what's a traumatised person and what's a secure person. -Thank you for the video once again, life changing for me
Thus was so very helpful! Thank you!!!
Your talks have been very helpful. I’ve learned a lot and look forward to them every week
i feel like i went through a couple of these distorted qualities growing up still recovering though.
God is helping me through you Tim.
Thank you so much❤
You’re an absolute angel 🌷
I never understood how sport or competition was about connecting. I never understood why people want to play games and risk the suffering of failure. I never understood when people say "they play for fun". What fun? The "achiever" part perfectly describes my coping mechanism for childhood shame.
Thank you. This clarifies so much.
By being an enabler most of my life, as a Codependent, I felt used because the entitlement person will keep taking if you enable it
Yes great comment. I need to STOP finding these people.
Extremely good videos by a very knowledgeable and kind man 🙏
Outstanding. Hits the mark with precision 👌
The limbic brain being somehow less than or lower than the cortex is no longer accepted as a valid explanation of how the brain works. The Emotional Life of Your Brain by Dr. Davidson, Future Tense by Dr. Dennis-Tiwary, and The Grieving Brain by Dr. O'Connor are books based on neurological aspects of emotion. It's hard to help people when the map of where you think they are is bad, and the direction you try to lead them is worse.
Amazing work and help for so many!!! Thank you ♥️♥️♥️
This is gold! Thank you for this information and God bless 🕊
At 16 the psychologist told me to ask my mom to bring me say for ex a glass of water,..in order to create connection .it was so hard,unatural
I was the helper. My father, also a survivor of abuse, was the leader.
Amazing. Seriously
I’m the helper and my brother is the worker.
Yup...begin to see the truth. Of. Our. Life , in this. Family
Never right or good enough
Its odd ....but true
I'm learning. Is guilt different from shame?They must hold hands.But just wondering if there's a distinction between the two?And how they work together in complex trama. Can you dig into the wormhole of shame contributing to guilt.Or guilt then shame. And how people with Complex trama. Might create situations to continue and validate the guilt.Your are discussing this in this video. You are so good at expressing the deal in layman terms. I'd love to hear more on that subject.Thanks!! Your awesome!
Shame: I am the problem. I cannot apologize (since I am the problem).
Guilt: I feel bad about causing a problem. I can apologize.
This guy helps me a lot.. so glad I found out about him
You are such a blessing. Thank you 😊
That is for sure!! Adapt w/o or evaluation on "how-to" ....to be helpful or to make sure I was maturing as I thought I should be. Not to get things ... until I need to get a job. Cause I wanted to purchase things. Domestic stuff I eventually sabatoged! LoL to heck w/ it. Only in my home though. And I refuse to "sacrifice " cause I don't know how I want things or where when it needs order!
Im not sure what , i can do with all the anger and rage
Honestly
Labels puss me off .... more than ever ....
I used to be curious ..now im just pissed off all day every day
Therapy is not for me, and tims f. Stuff here is most helpful...its calming to .
So maybe its just ..me.
And CPTSD
Fear and faith all day
Im oprn to heal the anger tho .....
Im very open to know more and finally see me and know me
Thank you for this Tim, really really helpful
Thank you for these videos.
Any recommended beginner playlist? Overwhelming to see the amount of lectures. A traumatized person have a very little reservoir of capacity to deal with concepts, information and long lectures takes toll.
I'd say the large majority of people do this to some extent.
no, everyone does. But some understand it.
Thank you. I don’t agree that they become rule keeper etc. here you contradict your earlier ideas. I think many just become so easy with others feeling they can’t change anyone but stretching themselves.
Much work when young over the top thatch scrape house before painting um yard work ...yes i missed out a lot. It taght me persever fortitude distract pain for coping .
Hence the dreaded "Nice Guy."
You are wonderfully generous.
Yes during discards very powerful styles of negativity wear to down so i would be the one at doggie in the window.
14:10 All work and no play, makes Jack a dull boy.
I feel like i was a mashup of many of those archetypes
How do you stop doing that? Mine is one of those helper adaptations... Also maybe problem solving or something intellectual...
My shame is overwhelming. I am irredeemable. I am beyond redemption.
No! Please rebuke this in the name of Jesus!
It may feel overwhelming, but don’t lose hope.
I feel this too. 😢
Shame is different to everyone 😢 agree?
Yes, I agree and the degree of pain is different for each of us I suppose.
Thank you!
People pleasers, that have a hard time saying NO.