Shame Distorts Good Qualities
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- Опубліковано 2 тра 2024
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Complex Trauma requires a child to make adaptations in order to survive and to try to get their needs met. Many of those adaptations are obviously unhealthy (lying, manipulating, masks, not trusting), but some appear to be good (be funny, work hard, be an achiever). But shame takes naturally good behaviours and does them for the wrong reasons, as well as overdoes them. Tim looks at 10 good behaviours that shame distorts.
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I wish I found you much earlier in life
Me, too.
Same!
There is no such thing you find it when you are ready somehow 🥸
I feel that. At the same time, some people will never have the gift of finding him.
Greatful we are here now not never.
Gosh if people spend an hour a day listening to this and other helpful therapist here in YT, a whole lot of people would be more healed and compassionate of others and themselves. Channels like this are extremely valuable. I’m beyond grateful.
My Trauma Therapist said that loving relationships need to have Mutuality, Reciprocity and Freedom
I was the helper.
In 2014, I had a personality collapse. I saw the false ego mask for what it was; a facade.
I realized everything I did came from an inauthentic place. My motivations were 1) the approval and validation of others, or 2) an attempt to stay safe. I realized all of my values, ideals, and beliefs were adopted (not my own) and that I had no personal integrity. I had no idea what was actually true, for me. At the time, the words I used were "I'm a people pleasing puppet that parrots the ideals of others".
I realized most of my relationships followed the same "theme" and I always had a "bad guy", ie someone I blamed, for wronging me, in some way.
I realized I was addicted to drama and was unable to allow myself peace. I also saw people treated me as I unconsciously believed I deserved. (I became conscious of those Shadow motivations).
I saw that I had a Martyr/Victim identity.
I began to realize these things, prior to understanding my childhood was traumatic. At that point, despite experiencing all 10 ACE's, I thought "my childhood wasn't ideal but I had overcome". It happened to me, but I was "fine".
Thankfully, Spirit led me to information about trauma. I connected my people pleasing and inability to say no to the CSA I'd experienced.
I looked up symptoms of survivors and was floored to see what I'd believed as my "personality flaws", that I'd struggled with my entire life, itemized on the list. I was in denial about many of them. It was as though the author knew me better than I did.
I went off the deep end. These realizations were very destabilizing. I was in my 40s. In response, I made some pretty bad decisions, but managed to make it through. The grief process was so incredibly dark.
It took me years to integrate those realizations. The more I learned about complex trauma and shame, the more things started to make sense.
I so wish your channel had been up back then.
I'm still trying to hear what is authentic and genuine to me (that doesn't come from conditioning).
Understanding the somatic aspects of trauma has helped me to know that I need to learn to feel again. At this point, the only emotions I can consciously feel are fear, anger, and sadness. Hopefully, someday, I'll be able to feel the "good" ones too.
Spirit has really led me through this healing journey. So much of it was done in the dark. But the right people and information came into my life and my needs have always been provided for.
It's definitely been a process. But I can look back at who I once was and see so much growth. I have a hard time even comprehending my old disempowered and wounded mindset now.
I have faith that it'll continue.
Thank you so much for what you do.
FYI, I write about my healing journey and share resources and insights I've found along the way. If you're interested in checking it out, it's on FB and called "Wholeness Remembered".
To whomever is reading this; you're a precious Soul and you matter. Sending love. I hope your path is gentle. Please be kind and patient with yourself. You deserve your own empathy and compassion.
God Bless You. May you be a blessing to many.
I didn't have the right words to put my experience into words.
You have explained it so well.
I am currently working hard to leave the past behind and follow my passion. Because of CT, I didn't have the courage to follow my passion and was stuck with very low paying jobs far below my capacity. It was basically "you don't deserve anything good" core belief that kept me bound. Now that there is some understanding I am doing everything in my capacity to become the best me and to make my dreams a reality.
I want to be a good human and live a life of meaning and purpose. Do pray for me.
Sending hugs and love for others on this journey. 🥰
WoW, thank you for sharing your journey experience. "Personality Break" - first time ive come across this term.
Your words exactly match my experience and mine has been a muti-year journey. God bless you
Thankyou for sharing ❤
You're my hero. Your words mean more to me than you could know. Thank you.
Shame is so immense. The smallest shame and I can give all my power away.
Same here, and feel beneath everyone.....& feel the compulsion to explain everything to everyone in defense for my just being alive 😢. It is SO tiring and disillusioning.....you end up trusting NOBODY.
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤you’re not alone ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
@@4coolclipsthis comment explains a lot about me as well, thank you for this. I’ve written your comment down and will mention this to my therapist ad it helps me explain things I find difficult to articulate at times. I too feel compelled to explain my every motive or what has happened. I’m on the autistic spectrum as well and tend to over explain, but for these reasons. I too find it extremely hard to trust in others. The misinterpretations and misunderstandings are horrendous and also one of the contributing factor in the explaining. Exhausting and as you say, disillusioning. I hope this comment finds you well and not too down 💪🙂
Yes, it takes a long time to build it back up, if at all, and the smallest thing to smash all down again. Build back up, smashed down, a vicious cycle, debilitating and crushing. Explaining, people not believing you, dismissing, invalidating, bullying. There are some horrible people out there. I wish you well and health. Hope you find the strength in your journey 💪
@@HaakonOdinsson thank you so much for your comments 🙏💗. It somehow makes trials seem worthwhile if sharing them helps others!! Your experiences help me as well, and make me feel more 'real', if that makes any sense 🙃🤗. Keep expressing please, you have gifted insight & sensitivity I believe. I'm saving your insights as well!!
Hi Sir, I'm from India. when you conduct these sessions, it's 5 am here.
I cannot attend the live, but I'd like to thank you because all your videos help immensely.
May the Algorythym be with you!
and you as well. 👌
Good one
Thank You Tim. I am from India. My big family is reeling under the impact of complex trauma.
I only knew something was wrong with me. While my counterparts were progressing in life, I was battling crippling negativity and hopelessness. When I shared my struggles with my family and friends, many blamed me for being so negative and also told God will not like me because of my negativity.
So many nights my pillow was drenched with my tears. Nobody understood me. Even psychologists and doctors.
Finally,🙏🙏🙏 I found you. Now I know there is a way out. My wilderness is over forever. Praise God.
God bless your work. May your work be a source of freedom, hope and strength to many and many.
I will do my best to serve others who are suffering.
❤❤❤
Awww I completely understand you as well. I live in America but I've also been raised by dysfunctional Indian parents. It's always been about survival for them. And now I've been left empty after a childhood of neglect
❤❤❤ wow! What a beautiful message.
Take care of yourself first.
I agree Tim helped me tremendously and it is an ongoing process. Baruch korman teaching helped me too. Both combined are the mentors in my life. Growing and also becoming an agent of change.
The individualist a.k.a the dismissive avoidant does not want others to see their pain because to admit that they have a deep longing for connection is shame-inducing and anxiety-provoking in itself. I agree that their thwarted attempts to connect with their early caregiver created a deep sense of shame, which they try to ameliorate by being hyper-independent and denying their need for connection. They alternate between drawing you in and pushing you away when they become unnerved by the physical and emotional intimacy. This in my experience is about as traumatising as being love-bombed and subsequently devalued by a narcissist because they disregard others’ need for safe attachment and consistency.
I recognise myself in this post. I come from a long line of DA women. I hope I'm making a change in this cycle and that my daughter will be healthier than I.
@@Crescent_Moon_Rising Heidi Priebe has an excellent video on her channel about this. I think it’s called, “Should we blame our parents?” I also wanna say this, and I say it with love; hope is not a plan. We need to come up with plans ahead of time so that we can remind ourselves which decisions are the right ones in those times when we’re weakest.
@@waynepolo6193 thank you. I began watching the suggested video and realised that I know where it was going. Just to clarify, my comment doesn't come from a place of blame of my parents, only from a place of understanding. I know their patterns, their why's for behaviours as I understand my own. I've noticed a change around my behaviours the more I learn and become aware of myself. It's a long process, but I'm working on it.
@@Crescent_Moon_Rising Great! I’m glad to hear it and also appreciate you taking the time to check out the suggestion! I do encourage you to watch/listen to it all the way through, if you haven’t. I think the message may be a slightly, and pleasantly, different from what one would expect.
It's not disregarding if you are unaware.
When I get struck by intense shame I usually say out loud "That was embarrassing."
It makes me feel a lot better afterwards. And as long as there's no harm done, I view the situation as comical. And I usually have a laugh.
If you don't laugh, you cry. So laugh.✊🏾
Holy crap. What an incredible video. Thank you so much. I couldnt believe how much pertains to me, except quite a few of the extremes. Im not arrogant i dont look down on others and am not judgemental in any strong sense.
Vaidation seeking hell yes and nearly all the rest, except 6. I didnt understand.
Always been looked up to, successful and a million friends.
Now, last 5 years. I feel a complete burden. I live with severe chronic neck back and sternum pain. Depression over emotional. Cry so much, I cant work. Lost my businesses, workaholic, helper (takes my mind off of my pain) ive been so sad for so long. Used to be going out 6 nigjts a week sometimes 3 parties in one night. Popular pary fun crazy top friend.
Now im a hermit
Now i hide in my rented room.
Feeing so useless. I NEVER used to cry.
Feel lile a complete failure. I hate to even answer my ph.
Hate me. Dont want others to see me like this...
Brought up by a sadistic narcissist mother. Only. Ruined her life by existing.
Married a grandiose narcissist i had one son. Sadly he seems to takes after his dad, its so sad.
Sorry for rambling. Ive never listened to so many lightbulbs.
I used to be proud of myself as an adult most the time...
Now, i have lost all strength and motivation. Victimy. I hate that. And feeling so weak. When i reLly need to aDvocate for myself.. getting help. Im so bad at this over emotional stuff.
Sorry,
I’m sorry that happened to you. You deserve love and compassion. I believe in you.
Omg your story made me cry very similar to mine!
"and that seemed to solve their shame." I'm so glad you repeated this over and over because it really helps me hold that in my mind when thinking about these behaviors. It helps me humanize myself, my parents and in-laws and I feel a lot less triggered about them.
Tim Fletcher has changed my life, I love you sooo much ! ❤❤❤❤ God is really working through you! Thank you for allowing him to use you the way he is!!
Brilliant Tim. This is such valuable information and the timing of these dropping on Fridays works so well. More time to reflect and unburden the shame over these coming days.
The helper, the workaholic, the competetor, the analyst, the individualist, the rule keeper, the optimist, the leader, the perfectionist, the comedian
This is painful. Your teaching is so profound to me it hurts realization of stuff inside that never got fixed.
Attracting a highly narcissistic person will cause a very painful wakeup call for a 'Helper'.
Tim is great! Straight to the point and sooo easy to understand
19:30 was the perfect definition of the narcissist in my life. I refuse to be anything to him though, if he's not willing to take the long journey of healing.
I ❤️Friday Night with Tim ‼️
The info you provide is invaluable. Thank you.
I'm so glad there is much more known about (c)ptsd and the consequences. Ive been in therapy for over 20 years now (regular and alternative therapists), but only since a few years the knowledge about this is growing and there is such a difference in how Im being treated by therapists. It all becomes clear now and me watching these videos helps a lot. I am connecting dots and this makes me more in control of myself. So, thank you, Tim, for making this information so accessible.
You are great. Thank you so much x your work.
I was raised as the "golden child" of a narcisistic family.
My psiquiatrist explained me, in line with what your exposing, that I was a "sobreadaptada" overadapted girl.
That, among other things, caused me to became kind a workaholic and having the feeling that I must be all the time productive or active (wish, consequently, drove me to one serious kidney disease and burnouts, more than once).
Best regards.
Your insight is exceptional. Thank you so very much for taking the time and making the enormous effort to share your wisdom with us. It is very much appreciated! ❤
This is the guy all the fans of Jordan Peterson should be picking up on. Someone who brings his deep knowledge of psychotherapy to the masses without mainpulating their fragile masculinity. It's like pulling the covers off and looking at all our BS through some protective archeological looking glass.
Jordan Peterson is all in on patriarchy. He sucks.
Excellent point! As a former (female) admirer of Peterson’s I agree. This is a so much more honest, compassionate and ultimately more effective approach to mankind’s problems.
Preach!❤
I got petersons book and never got past the second chapter. Something seems off to me but not in a malicious sense. I think it’s that he’s in the questioning stage of faith still while Tim has both clinical experience and solid faith. Tims overall more trustworthy to me🤷🏽♂️
I have never seen such a grandiose narcissistic mess of word salad vomit as Jordan Peterson.
Wow! Thanks for this. Doing the right things for the right reasons is so key. I can see how it can be hard to be authentic and healthy when good things are done for the wrong reasons but we do them because it soothes our pain.
Children of narcissist parents learn to ignore and hide pain, this becomes a problem because they can't feel their own physical limits, and therefore are more likely to get injured, they also have problems communicating their pain to doctors and others.
Thank you these videos are helping me enormously 🙏
Omg, my personality in a nutshell. Thank you so much for this video, extremely eye opening
I’m #5! Also #7. 😬 but I’m definitely making progress healing in the last few years. So grateful I found you! On Theo Von’s podcast!
Outstanding. Hits the mark with precision 👌
Thank you for your all your work and time you put into these great videos. Such valuable and much needed information. So many lights going off when listening to your videos.
Every video helps bring more clarity to help my own healing journey .much grattitude Tim
My difficulties were I was a workaholic/perfectionist, no life balance, but also had a problem with management/being asked to do anything by people whose position accorded them some power over me, and resentment that others who worked less hard were favored over my difficult self. Work was a minefield that I had no idea how to manage, and the consequence was illness and disability, I so wish these teachings/therapies had been around when I was much younger
I would do so much for validation. I dated men and even once married a man I didn’t like because they wouldn’t leave me. And I hated having sex with them because it just felt like I had to give up my body to get my needs met. And my need was just to have someone care about me.
It’s so shameful to me now; it’s embarrassing. I haven’t dated in years and my therapist doesn’t really get it; she just tells me I need to get back out there.
Really appreciate the perspective of GOOD things beig distorted by shame...❤️
God bless you, Tim Flectcher.
Thank you for these videos.
Your talks have been very helpful. I’ve learned a lot and look forward to them every week
Amazing work and help for so many!!! Thank you ♥️♥️♥️
Chasing Obedience and Desire to Serve
This is gold! Thank you for this information and God bless 🕊
Thank you!
Thank you for the light of awareness your teaching brings to me. It helps to untangle the massive wad of mess.
Thank you Tim for your brilliance and compassionate understanding of human fralities .
Thank you. This clarifies so much.
You know what though? It can also be the case that perfect performance does NOT bring validation because the narcissistic parent doesn't WANT the child to succeed, perhaps out of jealousy or a threat to their martyr image. The parent will shame the child for failure AND for success.
Love this series such wisdom in so many of your teachings ⚓️
Thank you for this Tim, really really helpful
Fantastic lesson Tim.
Thank you for sharing your knowledge and insights on this relatable topic.
As an alienated father and a clinician I am familiar with all of this material but i think just like everyone else here...I just love the way you break it all down in your personal style.
I appreciate you. ❤🙏
You are such a blessing. Thank you 😊
I would so love to see you do a series on counterdependence. I struggle with CPTSD but don't relate to this desire to do things purely for validation at all, and I wonder if it's part of the counterdependence thing.
Thank you, Tim. 🙏❤️. I look forward to these Friday night videos. Could you please talk about insecure and anxious attachment from childhood trauma and how it affects us through our life.
Extremely good videos by a very knowledgeable and kind man 🙏
Thanks Tim!
Thank you, Tim. We were made for some Connection as well as alone time
God is helping me through you Tim.
Thank you so much❤
You’re an absolute angel 🌷
thank you thank you thank you
When you become a child of God and grow close To God, you get led by the Holly Spirit. Any shame that any one of us whent through gets forgiven. God washes you as clean as snow.. When God forgives your sins He forgets them.. Your whole personality changes and you have a love for all your brothers and sisters. Doing things for people is awsome and I will never stop doing good. God has become closer to me than you speaking to me about shame. God is love and walking with him you become more and more like Jesus my Lord and Saviour. Being aggressive is not for me, because it causes drama and hurt between people. I was married to a gentle. Giant for 40 years and he was like an angel on earth. I have lost him recently and I am deeply missing him. But I know with all my heart, that feels broken now, God will pick me up again. I have no shame because it was forgiven me many years ago, but just love for all people and the people that can not accept this. I will then gracefully back off and not communicate with them anymore. I can only pray for them. God has changed me from a hard heart to gentle, and loveing people in my liefe. I will be like that for the rest of my life till God takes me home. God is everything to me. If I can't help the friend I love, I will move on and once again pray for them. Growing more and more in love with my Heavenly Father. God makes my life peacefull. Read the word it will change you totally. I am grateful. That my husband's personality shaped me as who I am today. If I did not meet Jim I would have been heard hearted like my mother and brother. At the moment I have his back and will always protect him against everybody. Thank you for trying or ending your speech try and meet Jesus, he will change your life forever. You will be so different.
ThankYou!
Like using.
Wow this was so accurate
Any recommended beginner playlist? Overwhelming to see the amount of lectures. A traumatized person have a very little reservoir of capacity to deal with concepts, information and long lectures takes toll.
You are wonderfully generous.
Thank you sir
Thanks Tim 🙏
Hence the dreaded "Nice Guy."
51:14 what do you mean we all have some of these things? The thing that i find tricky is identity and knowing myself who I am. Because some of me feels traumatised and essentially like most things you mentioned and then another part of me does feel healthy and grounded. I struggle to know which part of me is coming forward. If we all have this inner dilemma then what's a traumatised person and what's a secure person. -Thank you for the video once again, life changing for me
Much work when young over the top thatch scrape house before painting um yard work ...yes i missed out a lot. It taght me persever fortitude distract pain for coping .
Thanks!
Thank you for all you do!!
I’m the helper and my brother is the worker.
I usually watch these to learn a little bit more about traits from my own trauma but today I just learned a little bit about my brothers. Interesting eye opener.
I'd say the large majority of people do this to some extent.
That is for sure!! Adapt w/o or evaluation on "how-to" ....to be helpful or to make sure I was maturing as I thought I should be. Not to get things ... until I need to get a job. Cause I wanted to purchase things. Domestic stuff I eventually sabatoged! LoL to heck w/ it. Only in my home though. And I refuse to "sacrifice " cause I don't know how I want things or where when it needs order!
Thanks ❤
Yes during discards very powerful styles of negativity wear to down so i would be the one at doggie in the window.
This is 🔨🔨🔨🔨❤️❤️ thank you !!!!!!
My shame is overwhelming. I am irredeemable. I am beyond redemption.
No! Please rebuke this in the name of Jesus!
I feel this too. 😢
Shame is different to everyone 😢 agree?
Yes, I agree and the degree of pain is different for each of us I suppose.
Everyone has some shame. Some of us have more. You are no less than anyone else. Shame will keep you down. Admitting to your shame and processing it will help you in the future. It's ok to feel shame. It's just about being honest with yourself.
Thank you Sir :)
I'm learning. Is guilt different from shame?They must hold hands.But just wondering if there's a distinction between the two?And how they work together in complex trama. Can you dig into the wormhole of shame contributing to guilt.Or guilt then shame. And how people with Complex trama. Might create situations to continue and validate the guilt.Your are discussing this in this video. You are so good at expressing the deal in layman terms. I'd love to hear more on that subject.Thanks!! Your awesome!
Shame: I am the problem. I cannot apologize (since I am the problem).
Guilt: I feel bad about causing a problem. I can apologize.
Im all that without validation. What do you do when you want to ask for help and nobody cares for you
Why I can't find this video on his channel?
Is there a place where I can ask Tim Fletcher questions? I want to know where arrested development fits into what he teaches.
I have been all of these & was thrusted into reality wen my mom died. This has been the most difficult 3 years of my life. I surprised I'm still alive. But I'm learning now what I am. I've never known me yet didn't know I didn't know who I was. It's s mind fuck let me tell you . mind FUCK
Thank you for your video
How do you work through these? I relate to all of the above. I thought I was working through "my stuff" but I recognise myself still in all of these.
I can only speak on my own experience, but recognising where I do those behaviours and what the reinforcers were was a good start.
No.1 spoke out to me, (I do see myself as a genuine kind person) but I went back and looked at the times I was kind to not only be validated, but to also people please.
I then brought it to my conscious when i had similar interactions.
@@DobermanDanK9 thank you for the reply.
The limbic brain being somehow less than or lower than the cortex is no longer accepted as a valid explanation of how the brain works. The Emotional Life of Your Brain by Dr. Davidson, Future Tense by Dr. Dennis-Tiwary, and The Grieving Brain by Dr. O'Connor are books based on neurological aspects of emotion. It's hard to help people when the map of where you think they are is bad, and the direction you try to lead them is worse.
14:10 All work and no play, makes Jack a dull boy.
By being an enabler most of my life, as a Codependent, I felt used because the entitlement person will keep taking if you enable it
Yes great comment. I need to STOP finding these people.
Empathy branded in me.
What doctor is being referenced? DeGrote?
Thank you. I don’t agree that they become rule keeper etc. here you contradict your earlier ideas. I think many just become so easy with others feeling they can’t change anyone but stretching themselves.
How do you stop doing that? Mine is one of those helper adaptations... Also maybe problem solving or something intellectual...
Very powerful study
I was the helper. My father, also a survivor of abuse, was the leader.
7:46
In today's society, many families are under constant pressure to prioritize financial stability and work long hours to support their lifestyle. This pressure often stems from the burden of hefty home mortgages, skyrocketing expenses, and the desire for material possessions. Additionally, the need to fit in with family, friends, and community can also add to this pressure. The desire to travel to expensive vacation destinations can also contribute to the need for extra income. As a result, many families find themselves sacrificing to maintain their financial stability and keep up with the expectations of those around them.
Can you make a video on how to be vulnerable.
And what exactly are needs? I dont really understand what they are or how i can express them.
50:35 how do you express these things? Do you just say "I'm struggling" a d that's it?
What does solve shame really?
I wish you’d have a talk with John MacArthur.