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I feel so blessed to be born into a time where this is free and accessible. Generational curses finally being broken. God bless you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I this idea you have of dynamics or patterns prisons we live in I refer to as “shock dog”… that psychological experiment where researchers had a metal cage with a wired floor. They would shock the dog for various reasons and circumstances but the dogs learned no matter what they did they could not get away from the shock. Next step in experiment was to open the door and see if they would run out. They didn’t they just laid down on it cause they were conditioned to believe they could not escape the shock… I am very familiar with these shock dog patterns in my life and one of them is financial failure… I’m successful in so many ways but when it comes to supporting myself financially I suck at it… and mostly fail… I love your videos SO MUCH!! You’ve helped my immensely over the last 5 years since I been listening… and I am very far a long on my healing… thank you so much… my gratitude is beyond words
This is me. I was born with musical talent, high iq and generally gifted. When I was 23 i was in law school. Now im 41 and a chef, actually a failure of a chef, jumping from job to job, making trouble, beeing impossible. I write poetry that noone ever will read. I still read about the world everyday, writing, thinking, talking. No contact with my N-dad for 2, 5 years, and im so slowly starting to realize me true potentials again. Alone and lonely, longing for connections, but assuming they will Hurt more than give, sabotaging good things before emotional investment, before my hopes can even be crushed. Ive smoked alot of pot, just existing day to day to day. These videos makes me understand myself so much. Thx Tim ❤
I generally scored 99th percentile on standardized tests. But brother, I’d trade a kick to the head that made me slow for just feeling OK about myself and happy around other people. Please consider reading the “12 Promises of Codependents Anonymous” and see if you relate. I wish I had discovered and been open to this program a decade or two earlier. Be kind to yourself.
I can relate to this. Thank you for sharing, It's always interesting to see how different we are yet there are a handful of people who share the same life path.
It feels like it’s an invisible wall of resistance that appears when I start to feel good and excited. It stops me from moving forward and kind of keeps me down.
I have felt and described this many times: the invisible wall. I've never been able to identify what it is exactly that always keeps me exactly where I am no matter how hard I try. An unseen force that is controlling me or my outcome that has existed beyond my awareness...until now. Even realizing there is an invisible wall is proof of progress. I hope you find peace ❤️
This one was for me. I am still in this prison. The weird thing about it is, there is no feel of "lesser prison" or that it gets better in progress. There is prison, or there isn't. I am glad to hear from you, that it seems that I already came a long good way and to summarize what I already achieved to escape. Stopped smoking a decade ago, skipped perfectionism even longer ago, self-criticism changed, still there but not in that dark cloth, changed eating habits constantly finding the best for me, talking to my inner self - right at the root of the problem... still entrapped in the distractions, still overwhelmed to get my living space right to go on, still isolated don't know to find the right people, who not to try to use me as a psychological trash can. But I see my tunnel I digged, the cracks in the wall, the lockpicks I made ready, the watch bribed and talked to... still in the prison. I cannot run out, feel like a snail - but thanks to you going forward. Head to the sun. Knowing I'll get out. Thanks Tim, you helped again a lot lot!
fantastic episode!! my takeaways: - believing that i'm stupid, completely changes/sabotages the approach i use to learning - limbic system creates inaccurate perceptions (emotions aren't facts) - the difference between self pity and self compassion - i need to work on understanding the difference between procrastination and needing to take a break because i need time to process what i just did or i lack skills/knowledge to move ahead and need to search for an answer
I just celebrated 2yrs sobriety yesterday ...this is perfect timing for to heal this and stay on course. I was in a cult of brainwashing,patriarchy and no need for education beyond high school so my " fear of failure" is strong but my sabotage is strong too. Thank you Tim 🌻💜💯👍🏻
Congratulations on 2 years of sobriety. I've been sober now for 2 and a half years and there's no looking back, but forwards towards my own healing. I have no time for alcohol anymore in my life. Growing from my trauma takes center stage ....
There is nothing more terrifying to me than seeing that someone attractive is interested in me, knowing what a tremendous disappointment and how helpless I will be to someone new if we get past hello - so I just pretend I can’t see them.
I like hanging out with smart people. It makes me smarter. Ergo I am the dumb one in the room. Failure is the default option as it is conditioned in to you that surviving your Narcissistic parent is dependent upon being the smallest thing in the room. Even if that parent wanted you to be "smart" it was a trap for later that they would used to belittle you.
In my, "family of origin", it was not safe to be too good. I was an athlete, and my Father was really proud of me UP TO A CERTAIN POINT. However, once I began to get more attention and was featured on the front of the local newspaper, it was obvious how his jealousy, envy, rage and sabotage of my and my sports career then ensued. At the time, my mind could not accept the truth of the situation, that he saw me as his enemy and he did not want me to be happy nor successful. Anyhow, now I still struggle with the internal-programming and I'm over 50 years old, been to therapy for over a dozen years. The worst part is that I now do these kinds of things to my own self and that, now, the enemy lurks within me. It's me against the twisted, "anti-me" that they groomed me for so long to be.
I'm so sorry for that, I actually relate to this myself but I'm a lot, lot younger. I don't know what to do about it though, aside from distancing myself but the self-sabotage demon is pretty deep within me
@@mirjama1813 it’s always the continuum of LOVE vs FEAR. ALWAYS. ❤️🙌 I agree!!! REAL love is the opposite of fear. Opposite of separation. It is so powerful and huge that it is difficult to see or imagine 😂🤷♀️❤️🔥
I’m on the worst bender of my life at the moment. So sleep deprived, idk what time it is, forgetting what day it was, nearly full isolation at this point, risky behaviors. Nobody knows either, they just know I’m feeling super depressed. This video might have just saved my life. Obviously I’m in a very distorted state of mind right now but I feel like this video just turned on the light switch and showed me what damage I had done while I couldn’t see. It’s like I knew I was doing all of this, I could just never catch it in the light. I feel armed with the power to free myself from this prison. And right now i actually don’t feel like everything was my fault, and it’s so much more intricate to narrow things down rather than see in extremes. I love all of you. I hope we all walk free someday
Thank you, Tim. Knowing the triggers of self-sabotage is helpful. I've caught some of these patterns in myself lately and wondered why I do them and why it is so hard for me to override them. It is a constant battle to stay on track and not get pulled under by the unconscious undertow of childhood trauma. I never made the connection with the limbic brain and it's machinations in the manner you describe them. The timing of this is perfect because I felt upset amd angry earlier because my mother killed my artistic ambitions and drive as a child and it makes me sad because even as an adult I haven't been able to allow myself the pleasure of developing my talents and doing the things I know I was once good at.
Thank you very much Tim, much appreciated! One thing I would like to add to your list of why people get caught in failure prisons is the death of a parent. My father died when I was 5 and for some reason I felt that because he died, I was a "not have". I felt that it was ordained by God that I didn't deserve anything and consequently did badly in school etc. It took a lot of work to uncover that feeling. What is even harder, is to overcome it.
*Slides Timestamps:* 01:17 1. *FAILURE/SABOTAGE AS A PRISON:* a) success, fear, stress triggers self-sabotage (belief in ultimate failure); b) pattern of hard work ending in failure 02:03 2. (cont'd) c) limits recovery d) failure = comfortable reality; success = discomfort zone 04:02 3. *Test* (Life Trap Self-Assessment aka limiting beliefs): assign 1-6 pts/question 04:32 4. Questions 1-6 of 10 04:59 5. Questions 7-10 of 10 05:23 6. Interpreting Abandonment Score: 10s, 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s = very low to very high 06:26 7. *ORIGINS:* a) very *critical parent* (often father); b) very *successful parent*/s--you could never live up to their high standards so stopped trying 07:09 8. c) *parent/s neglected or threatened* by your success either competing (with you) or fearful (of losing you) 07:30 9. d) *inferior or disadvantaged* vs other school peers--stopped trying e) unfavorably compared to siblings--stopped trying 08:05 10. f) *1st/2nd generation immigrant*--see d). g) parents set *poor limits/discipline/responsibility* needed for success in school h) *parents' cycle of violence* teaches inevitability of failure 09:36 11. i) *cycle of shattered hope* (crappy parents; expiry 12yrs) j) *guilt* (over-interpreted/false undeserving) k) //erratic, unsafe// *history* over-riding present truth l) *chaos (is normal)* 12:02 12. m) *failure punished* severely n) *failure as parental connection* o) rigid religiousity (*pleasure as sin*) p) *_Pain Confusion as:_* I) pain as *love* ii) pain is *normal/right/comfort* 14:20 13. p)iii) pain as *confirmation/validation* from dead emotions iv) *sabotage as control* v) *deserved self-punishment/justice* vi) *martyrdom* gets attention/does good vii) *cutting* releases opioids 16:39 14: *CHARACTERISTICS:* a) avoiding pleasure b) encouraging *exploitation* c) focus on *worst features* d) *sabotage* good fortune e) deep *shame* f) deep *self-anger, false guilt, undeserving* g) obsess at minor negatives 18:20 15: h) fear of *hope* i) fear of *hurt* j) fear of *failure* k) fear of *exposure/accountability* l) fear of *trust* m) fear of *no control* n) fear of *success' unfamiliarity* 19:38 16: o) *discomfort* intolerance p) *magnify failures/minimize successes* q) poorly choosing *inferior options* r) *reject/negate* others' help s) pain response to success 20:40 17: t) *incite conflict* to invoke pain u) *denial of pleasure* /enjoyment/admission v) *avoid/rejects good treatment* w) works *below abilities/potential* 21:48 18: x) *fails at tasks* they can clearly do y) see u (avoid, undermine, reject, deny pleasure) z) external success not reflected by *internal evaluation* aa) passes on *opportunities* 22:55 19. ab) *quits* just before success ac) *revenge--hurt self to* hurt others in anger ad) *using rebel label* to mask failure inferiority 24:20 20. *RECOVERY DANGERS* a) not developing *solid career skills* vs easy path/fool others b) choose *career below potential* 25:35 21. c) *avoiding career promotion steps* d) *can't tolerate working for others/at entry-level*--don't advance 26:46 23. e) *repeated firings* for faults (4) f) *can't commit to one career*--stay as generalist--never progress, never specialize g) selecting *careers v hard to succeed*--won't quit 28:19 24. h) lack work *initiative/decisiveness* i) feel *fraudulent (stupid/untalented) despite success* j) *minimize strengths, exaggerate weaknesses* (feel failure despite success) 28:56 25. k) *living through successful relationship partner* while failing own potential l) compensate for failure by *focusing on minor assets* (looks, charm, youth, sacrifice) 29:59 26. m) *harmful doubt* from gaslit past n) (inaccurate) *emotional reasoning*--feelings as false truth o) *unrealistic expectations* 31:48 27. p) *insecurities exposed* q) *faulty (unfair) comparisons* (to superiors/advantaged) 33:04 28. *HEALING:* a) fully *understand origins* b) *understand triggers* (stress, anxiety, overwhelm; failure, disappointment; hurt, anger; depression, grief; uncertainty, large change; success, positivity) 34:53 29. c) *understand your warning signs--self-defeating reactions*: 1) old habits of pleasure now, pain later 2) neglect of various needs 3) self-criticism 4) perfectionism 5) self-pity victimhood 37:57 30. c) 6-15) procrastination, comparing self to others, social withdrawal/isolation, risky sexual behaviours, refusing help, over-spending, relationship sabotage, over/under eating, self-injurious behaviours 39:19 31. c) 15-20) return to addiction, swearing abnormally, neglect daily health routine, later sleep times, mindless distraction/neglecting responsibilities, re-establishing unhealthy past connections 41:16 32. d) *see the pattern in your failures* e) make a *plan to change* f) *follow flashcard recipe* (on fridge) step by step [ex. when this happens, I'll do...--get back to cortex] g) involve loved ones in the process (encouraging accountability mentor/surrogate family) 43:15 33. h) *challenge accuracy* of distorted failure feelings, core belief--*reframe with truth* (ex: true? others correct? actually failure? given proper tools?) i) *reconnect with inner child* still feeling like a failure j) *help inner child see distortion inaccuracy* k) become *aware of your strengths* (talents, skills, abilities, accomplishments) //Action for readers: pls review these slides on a recurring basis to assess and interrupt -ve patterns. Best wishes -V//
Work environments require a certain amount of masking to fit into the culture and to adopt the values of that work environment. As a result, work environments don't feel totally safe or secure as you can't be yourself, and they're also high-performance environments, which further exacerbates it. What is the definition of safe and secure in the case of work?
Thanks Tim. Im confronting this issue presently. Its very difficult. It feels intolerable and dangerous. I feel one mistake away from living in the gutter, homeless. Its a terrifying but also comfortable feeling because ive been there before. If all else fails i am good at surving failing. 💩🤦🏆
I feel extreme amounts of stress and anxiety with these videos I'm a mom and I feel like it feels so hard to make sure your doing everything right! I pray my kids aren't forming in these maladaptive ways ugh :/
😳😳 I’m doing so many of these things right now! I’m a bit dissociated. The staying up late bc everything is quiet, totally isolating. I’m also injured on workman’s comp so things are stressful and different anyway. Just had a private investigator follow me and that was triggering. I’m in therapy healing and I hear these videos and I make notes of what I’m doing. I never realized I’ve been sabotaging almost everything in my life! 😵💫
Tim, you're such a life saviour. Thank you for who you are and all your information. For years it's been a lonely war, but finally I broke the paradox of isolation and reached out for help. I'm done to keep running into myself and am learning to accept some things about myself and learn how to change it. This right here, this prison of failure really hits the target. Currently I'm in scheme therapy, getting in touch with all my protective modes and my inner child. It's immense how many I've stored away and disconnected from, it's all coming now in a flood. Luckily I've been blessed with a good social ring around me, and this, your work really helps. It gives perspective, answers and finally some recognition for something I could not put into words for so long. Bless you❤
Thanks so much Time for all you do. I miss the Bible section, because that was important for my healing from Spiritual abuse, but I guess I could always go to your archives for that. Blessings 🙌
This is definitely something that troubles me throughout each day. I’m currently in recovery and also recovering from being a “Nice guy” and I find myself not feeling worthy of recovery, peace and happiness most times and then doing something to sabotage. You allowing an invasive thought to control my actions whether it’s too snoop on things invade peoples privacy, not respect the boundary that they have previously given or just flat out do something I will hurt myself and I really struggle with all this.
I'm just starting the video and I'm not sure if you go into this, but I feel that although I know it has hindered me in life, expecting myself to be a failure in a way has actually spared me from the pressures I see others endure; perfection, keeping up with the status quo, false appearances, all that stuff that comes along with the expectations of adults in modern society. I never tried and yeah it doesn't feel good, but I'd say that settling with being a failure in a way has made me really proud of the achievements that I've accomplished. Don't get me wrong, if I had it my way I would not have been raised this way but I don't know I just kind of embraced it.
I know what you mean. Also sometimes it means you get to rest with no pressure or expectations when you're absolutely exhausted from battling with CPTSD and a stressful demanding society.
I have experienced being intentionally sabotaged so that the Golden Child was always on a pedestal. One is a designated winner… the other designated to be The Failure.
So tragic that my parents tick off all the items on the list with growing up in a chaotic environment. But I feel seen and validated. Thank you, Tim Fletcher. 🙏 Everyday, I am working on recovery.
This is my second video experience with Tim. And whoo boy! This video hits the nail on the head. I had such a hard time watching it, because that side of me that wants to keep failing, kept running away and switching off the video for other more comfortable subjects. Glad a stuck with it till the end. 🙂
As a highly intelligent, high-achieving child, everyone expected a lot from me, and yet my report always indicated that I didn't apply myself fully/full potential not reached, etc etc. I couldn't have dreamt a worse life for myself. After some success in my youth, in spite of worsening mental health (undiagnosed CPTSD), I've ended up 49, still at home, now physically suffering, single, generally broke and unable to work. My life's the polar opposite of everything I wanted it to be. I want change, but there's this huge disconnect. Only when you spoke about the doom pattern of parental conflict in the home did the penny drop for me as to why i never think I can't have anything - always waiting for the ton of bricks. It's so obvious now! Thank you.
Thank you Tim! Being aware of my own self-sabotage and overcoming it is the central theme that I'm grappling with right now. Your video seemed to be shared with me at the perfect time time :)
A narcissist will future fake their spouse/partner; and as a parent, they may also future fake their child, causing the child to lose hope (since the promises never happen).
Or,…perhaps the parent didn’t SAY, “you’re a failure”(but rather, you simply knew they believed that you were a failure. Or,…It may have been implied; or inferred.)
This is me. Every video is 100% me. I have so messed up. The only hope I have is the idea that I can heal and change my beliefs and behaviors. So far I have been heavy into self sabotage. I keep getting complacency to trigger me to default and its a very hard life right now. I am afraid.😊
Wow, so grateful for this information. ♡ At this point, I'm afraid of not being able to handle all the connections and relationships that come with success. Trying to stay positive, but I don't know how to fix the isolation issue with no family or friends. It's so exhausting to think of investing again with so much failure. How to get support?
thank you Ive been trying to understand my pattern and I was lead to your yt. It makes sense now. Wasted so much time now I undestand my pattern clearly. Thank you.❤
In my expirience it just takes time. Rest. Be kind to yourself. You are doing great with all you do. You dont seem in psychological «shock» state. Give yourself time. It takes longer than one want to - but you will get out of freeze❤ It just takes time.
I am not an addict my score is 52. My problem is the comparison and the fact that I had my 1st child at 15 and couldn't finish school and that is my thing. No excessive fighting but my Mom was a big bad girl in my life. Dad worked construction and was away a lot😭I always feel like a huge failure and can't keep a job
A couple decades ago I was in a hot tub with a girl I recently met. I had just made a big sale in my summer job and had been awarded a choice scholarship in college. And I still couldn’t feel good about myself when I should have felt on top of the world. My sense of self couldn’t handle it. When I was elected president of my professional business fraternity instead of going out with friends I went home and got stoned, because my sense of self couldn’t handle it. God, the life I have squandered because my sense of self couldn’t handle being competent, successful, accepted, and happy. I know the trauma is generational, and I should forgive and accept my parents for the shame-based and pain-compliance parenting, but ‘fuck them’ is my current feeling. Do I owe them the kindness and basic human courtesy they rarely afforded me? As narcissists they have never a once apologized, leaving me to feel it was all my fault all the time.
Thank you for this very insightful talk!! I have taken in a lot of psychology/mental health related videos over the past several years and this really gave me some new perspectives along with direction for solutions..
@Ali76564 I'm done begging for help from people who don't seem to want to help me. I'm done begging women to want me, I'm done begging God to want me, I'm done begging "Satan " to leave me alone. At this point it's whatever, if my father was gonna be my father he should've done it when I was a child in need of a father, not while I'm a middle aged man who's life is all but over.
One Time again, a huge thank you. It's one of my major issue which bring a lot of shame with it. It's very helpful to give some keys to get out of this prison. It's a long road but I'm sure it worth the ride.
This! THIS THIS THIS! I've listened to a few of yours, and typically when doing other things. Some has filtered in and I highly rate your commentary. This cast contained my unwritten life plan. Around 25 mins, you talk about being in a job that's way below my skillset.. What do I do next? Tell me please, and be considerate that I make minimum wage.
I hate it literally had a chance at a really awesome relationship with a woman I've come to love last year my issues sabotaged our date before it happened and now things are rocky its not fair I love her its fucked up how shit my parents did to me ruined a healthy happy relationship.
I’m so sorry to hear that, I hope that you two get a chance again or maybe you could even try opening up to her if she’s a safe person? I totally & completely resonate with you so I feel you. Parents didn’t raise me right (or at all!) so I become so dysregulated & “monstrous” around others, cptsd lashing out & I burn everyone around me. Ruined so many good things because of that but it’s ok because we’re learning, healing and actively trying! So that’s what really matters. Hang in there fellow rebel ❤🫡🔥
@@diedloling she's a safe person but I haven't been one with my emotional flash backs. I'm afraid during one of them I snapped at her but its hard for me to remember and trust myself we are going to talk sometime soon and hopefully resolve some issues between us. I want to date her so badly in a healthy way and its so fucking hard for me.
I'm wondering one thing - if school bullying could contribute to this prison. I had a weird relationship with my dad. I never doubt that he loves me, and I love him. From time to time, he'd just toss a comment, sometimes very off-handed or contradictory to what we've discussed. And sometimes, those hurt me a ton, like him "teasing" me about the inheritance I got ("how are you going to afford all this" even though the upkeep for the place I inherited when I don't use it would be some $50 a month. As I didn't know the low cost when he said it to me, it made me consider rejecting the inheritance outright), or calling me lazy when I desperately needed to rest. It was never a very serious thing, and we've talked like normal an hour later. He never apologized for these, but that we can work on. But, anyways, aside from that. I was bullied almost my entire time at school. From the first grade of primary school, until the second grade of high school, it was relentless. About everything - my weight, my interests (drawing during breaks), my more nerdy disposition, not being good at sports, me being on good terms with all the teachers, all that. And it continued because I never had the will to fight back. I'm not violent, and I can't throw a punch. And when I tried to out-smart them, they wiped the floor with me. Me and my parents tried to fight it through the school, but after every "talk" with the school psychologist, they'd just bully me more. I got my baggage out of it - I'm way easier to bully as an adult, which people exploit. Got pretty hardcore OCD in second grade of high school. I'm an introvert, don't go out much. My self-esteem is negative. My drawing skills never improved since primary school (yes, for that many years I was treading water), and recently my imagination and passion for writing and world building have both been dying, too. Could my bullying and the effects I suffer now be related? I think they are, but I'd love a confirmation...
Absolutely. I was in the same situation, except I had no family support and had to endure it. In order to try and make things better, I sabotaged myself intentionally, but it didn't work. Now I struggle with success because I was bullied for being smart (as well as everything else). Know for sure that that is definitely the cause, and now that you know, you can overcome it❤
Do you have a video about not being allowed to be too happy? Like don't get too happy, successful or excited about anything .. Or a video about loving yourself but not believing others love you?
Self-sabotage is also due to the fear of change and destroying previous core beliefs. Because what core beliefs provide us, whatever they are? Stability, security, predictability. Without them the inherent unpredictability of existence might be too much to bear.
Omfg I got in the 50s on that test, and now everything makes so much sense. I’m crying right now. Im going to work really hard on healing this wound, it has plagued me my entire life. My parents never set limits for me and I drowned the older I got. They were also turbulent and emotionally volatile themselves.
Growing up with my extremely domineering, competitive and bullying older sibling did a lot to create this belief in me. My parents and family dud a lot of the rest. And a tendency towards really high sensitivity and strong and fast reactions/hypersensitive nervous system (*sigh*) , did the rest. I also wanted to add that I've wondered whether I am on the autism spectrum. My sensitivity is so off the charts. I still prefer to take medication to help with a propensity towards anxiety that was always a struggle. However, after doing a lot of healing work that saw major chnges and improvements in my life, I started to wonder whether it were not more or even mostly my coming from a traumatic family, that's the real culprit . It's a good question. Especially when some have noted the similarities between Asperger's/Autism and people from traumatic backgrounds. Both, for example, see delays in one's development.
Also, the line can further be blurred when one considers the similarities that narcissists and (to an extent) autistic/Asperger's folk can have. But I would take this further and suggest that you can find both types within a family. Where the aspie is the targeted scapegoat, by narcissistic family members.
I feel your pain, for me, it was my older brother growing up, he’s 6 and a half years older than me. He treated me like shit and used me being dyslexic to verbally put me down, from 7-8 years old to 20 years old, he literally called me EVERY name in the book>stupid, dumb, dumbass, losers, told I wasn’t shit and never would be shit, called me retarded and told me I looked retarded. I have seen him like 3 times in the past 20 years and have only talked to him once via text message in 20 years, back in 2021. Of course he claims he doesn’t know why I don’t like him etc, it’s funny how bullies and abusers can NEVER remember what they’ve done and the trauma and damage they’ve caused, must be nice to have a short term memory and just go on with your life like NOTHING ever happened.
@@lambchop6278 Definitely, he was so cruel, bad energy and always, always had something negative to say, there was nothing fun about growing up with him, it was hell. Thank you. 🙏🏾
... so what if you do these things & are actually devalued/ not heard/ given unrealistic expectations/ etc job after job irl? what is that if it's your current reality & not a past trauma?
Good stuff, except for the incredibly frustrating ad interruptions every 6 or 7 minutes. That's 6 ads in 42 minutes. These do make it hard to follow along well or take anything in.
Could all this be related to Borderline? I see myself going trought exactly everything Tim just described. But my doubt is if this is caused solo by complex trauma, BPD or if they are just correlated, I experience one because I experience the other conversely
💜 Please be aware of scammers impersonating Tim or the Tim Fletcher team! We do not provide any phone numbers in the comments and Tim does not chat privately with viewers. We will never ask you to join us on a messaging app. When in doubt, reach out to us via our website at timfletcher.ca. Stay safe and scam-aware. With Love, The Tim Fletcher Team.
I feel so blessed to be born into a time where this is free and accessible. Generational curses finally being broken. God bless you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
well said...& ditto
No such thing as a generational curse.... Unless you're referring to religion. Religious cults are a multi generational curse.
Success involved being degraded, hated, and discouraged
I this idea you have of dynamics or patterns prisons we live in I refer to as “shock dog”… that psychological experiment where researchers had a metal cage with a wired floor. They would shock the dog for various reasons and circumstances but the dogs learned no matter what they did they could not get away from the shock. Next step in experiment was to open the door and see if they would run out. They didn’t they just laid down on it cause they were conditioned to believe they could not escape the shock… I am very familiar with these shock dog patterns in my life and one of them is financial failure… I’m successful in so many ways but when it comes to supporting myself financially I suck at it… and mostly fail… I love your videos SO MUCH!! You’ve helped my immensely over the last 5 years since I been listening… and I am very far a long on my healing… thank you so much… my gratitude is beyond words
This is me. I was born with musical talent, high iq and generally gifted. When I was 23 i was in law school. Now im 41 and a chef, actually a failure of a chef, jumping from job to job, making trouble, beeing impossible. I write poetry that noone ever will read. I still read about the world everyday, writing, thinking, talking. No contact with my N-dad for 2, 5 years, and im so slowly starting to realize me true potentials again. Alone and lonely, longing for connections, but assuming they will Hurt more than give, sabotaging good things before emotional investment, before my hopes can even be crushed. Ive smoked alot of pot, just existing day to day to day. These videos makes me understand myself so much. Thx Tim ❤
I generally scored 99th percentile on standardized tests. But brother, I’d trade a kick to the head that made me slow for just feeling OK about myself and happy around other people. Please consider reading the “12 Promises of Codependents Anonymous” and see if you relate. I wish I had discovered and been open to this program a decade or two earlier.
Be kind to yourself.
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I can relate to this. Thank you for sharing, It's always interesting to see how different we are yet there are a handful of people who share the same life path.
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💔♥️
It feels like it’s an invisible wall of resistance that appears when I start to feel good and excited. It stops me from moving forward and kind of keeps me down.
I have felt and described this many times: the invisible wall. I've never been able to identify what it is exactly that always keeps me exactly where I am no matter how hard I try. An unseen force that is controlling me or my outcome that has existed beyond my awareness...until now. Even realizing there is an invisible wall is proof of progress. I hope you find peace ❤️
Anxiety is the wall for me...
Success also involves other people. And people like us have enough of other people.
So true. Isolation is an important part of the effects of trauma and its relation to Failure.
This one was for me. I am still in this prison. The weird thing about it is, there is no feel of "lesser prison" or that it gets better in progress. There is prison, or there isn't.
I am glad to hear from you, that it seems that I already came a long good way and to summarize what I already achieved to escape. Stopped smoking a decade ago, skipped perfectionism even longer ago, self-criticism changed, still there but not in that dark cloth, changed eating habits constantly finding the best for me, talking to my inner self - right at the root of the problem... still entrapped in the distractions, still overwhelmed to get my living space right to go on, still isolated don't know to find the right people, who not to try to use me as a psychological trash can.
But I see my tunnel I digged, the cracks in the wall, the lockpicks I made ready, the watch bribed and talked to... still in the prison. I cannot run out, feel like a snail - but thanks to you going forward. Head to the sun. Knowing I'll get out.
Thanks Tim, you helped again a lot lot!
fantastic episode!! my takeaways:
- believing that i'm stupid, completely changes/sabotages the approach i use to learning
- limbic system creates inaccurate perceptions (emotions aren't facts)
- the difference between self pity and self compassion
- i need to work on understanding the difference between procrastination and needing to take a break because i need time to process what i just did or i lack skills/knowledge to move ahead and need to search for an answer
One of my main trigger behavior dominos is procrastination, I like how you phrased the last one, I've added it to my notes.
I just celebrated 2yrs sobriety yesterday ...this is perfect timing for to heal this and stay on course. I was in a cult of brainwashing,patriarchy and no need for education beyond high school so my " fear of failure" is strong but my sabotage is strong too. Thank you Tim 🌻💜💯👍🏻
Thx u for sharing that❤️🩹
Jude, I'm so proud of you! I have 14 months sober
Congratulations for celebrating 2 years of sobriety!!!
Wow!!!! Keep putting one foot in front of the other..
Congratulations on 2 years of sobriety. I've been sober now for 2 and a half years and there's no looking back, but forwards towards my own healing. I have no time for alcohol anymore in my life. Growing from my trauma takes center stage ....
I’ve accepted this is who I am. I avoid relationships because at this point, I can barely get past hello.
There is nothing more terrifying to me than seeing that someone attractive is interested in me, knowing what a tremendous disappointment and how helpless I will be to someone new if we get past hello - so I just pretend I can’t see them.
Well hello there.....
I like hanging out with smart people. It makes me smarter. Ergo I am the dumb one in the room.
Failure is the default option as it is conditioned in to you that surviving your Narcissistic parent is dependent upon being the smallest thing in the room. Even if that parent wanted you to be "smart" it was a trap for later that they would used to belittle you.
In my, "family of origin", it was not safe to be too good. I was an athlete, and my Father was really proud of me UP TO A CERTAIN POINT. However, once I began to get more attention and was featured on the front of the local newspaper, it was obvious how his jealousy, envy, rage and sabotage of my and my sports career then ensued. At the time, my mind could not accept the truth of the situation, that he saw me as his enemy and he did not want me to be happy nor successful. Anyhow, now I still struggle with the internal-programming and I'm over 50 years old, been to therapy for over a dozen years. The worst part is that I now do these kinds of things to my own self and that, now, the enemy lurks within me. It's me against the twisted, "anti-me" that they groomed me for so long to be.
I'm so sorry for that, I actually relate to this myself but I'm a lot, lot younger. I don't know what to do about it though, aside from distancing myself but the self-sabotage demon is pretty deep within me
Unconditional love is the answer for the entire planet. I recently am aware that my true self is it, the treasure. No more hiding. 🎉
Unconditional Love is an inside job first. Hardest thing I’ve ever tried to do!
@@mirjama1813 it’s always the continuum of LOVE vs FEAR. ALWAYS. ❤️🙌 I agree!!! REAL love is the opposite of fear. Opposite of separation. It is so powerful and huge that it is difficult to see or imagine 😂🤷♀️❤️🔥
I needed to hear this. It helps to hear him voice what it's like with empathy because this has been so painful.
Yeah, I know. I finally know what's been going for all these years. Struggle so much.
I’m on the worst bender of my life at the moment. So sleep deprived, idk what time it is, forgetting what day it was, nearly full isolation at this point, risky behaviors. Nobody knows either, they just know I’m feeling super depressed. This video might have just saved my life. Obviously I’m in a very distorted state of mind right now but I feel like this video just turned on the light switch and showed me what damage I had done while I couldn’t see. It’s like I knew I was doing all of this, I could just never catch it in the light. I feel armed with the power to free myself from this prison. And right now i actually don’t feel like everything was my fault, and it’s so much more intricate to narrow things down rather than see in extremes. I love all of you. I hope we all walk free someday
Thank you, Tim. Knowing the triggers of self-sabotage is helpful. I've caught some of these patterns in myself lately and wondered why I do them and why it is so hard for me to override them. It is a constant battle to stay on track and not get pulled under by the unconscious undertow of childhood trauma. I never made the connection with the limbic brain and it's machinations in the manner you describe them.
The timing of this is perfect because I felt upset amd angry earlier because my mother killed my artistic ambitions and drive as a child and it makes me sad because even as an adult I haven't been able to allow myself the pleasure of developing my talents and doing the things I know I was once good at.
Thank you very much Tim, much appreciated! One thing I would like to add to your list of why people get caught in failure prisons is the death of a parent. My father died when I was 5 and for some reason I felt that because he died, I was a "not have". I felt that it was ordained by God that I didn't deserve anything and consequently did badly in school etc. It took a lot of work to uncover that feeling. What is even harder, is to overcome it.
*Slides Timestamps:*
01:17 1. *FAILURE/SABOTAGE AS A PRISON:*
a) success, fear, stress triggers self-sabotage (belief in ultimate failure); b) pattern of hard work ending in failure
02:03 2. (cont'd) c) limits recovery d) failure = comfortable reality; success = discomfort zone
04:02 3. *Test* (Life Trap Self-Assessment aka limiting beliefs): assign 1-6 pts/question
04:32 4. Questions 1-6 of 10
04:59 5. Questions 7-10 of 10
05:23 6. Interpreting Abandonment Score: 10s, 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s = very low to very high
06:26 7. *ORIGINS:*
a) very *critical parent* (often father); b) very *successful parent*/s--you could never live up to their high standards so stopped trying
07:09 8. c) *parent/s neglected or threatened* by your success either competing (with you) or fearful (of losing you)
07:30 9. d) *inferior or disadvantaged* vs other school peers--stopped trying e) unfavorably compared to siblings--stopped trying
08:05 10. f) *1st/2nd generation immigrant*--see d). g) parents set *poor limits/discipline/responsibility* needed for success in school h) *parents' cycle of violence* teaches inevitability of failure
09:36 11. i) *cycle of shattered hope* (crappy parents; expiry 12yrs) j) *guilt* (over-interpreted/false undeserving) k) //erratic, unsafe// *history* over-riding present truth l) *chaos (is normal)*
12:02 12. m) *failure punished* severely n) *failure as parental connection* o) rigid religiousity (*pleasure as sin*) p) *_Pain Confusion as:_* I) pain as *love* ii) pain is *normal/right/comfort*
14:20 13. p)iii) pain as *confirmation/validation* from dead emotions iv) *sabotage as control* v) *deserved self-punishment/justice* vi) *martyrdom* gets attention/does good vii) *cutting* releases opioids
16:39 14: *CHARACTERISTICS:*
a) avoiding pleasure b) encouraging *exploitation* c) focus on *worst features* d) *sabotage* good fortune e) deep *shame* f) deep *self-anger, false guilt, undeserving* g) obsess at minor negatives
18:20 15: h) fear of *hope* i) fear of *hurt* j) fear of *failure* k) fear of *exposure/accountability* l) fear of *trust* m) fear of *no control* n) fear of *success' unfamiliarity*
19:38 16: o) *discomfort* intolerance p) *magnify failures/minimize successes* q) poorly choosing *inferior options* r) *reject/negate* others' help s) pain response to success
20:40 17: t) *incite conflict* to invoke pain u) *denial of pleasure* /enjoyment/admission v) *avoid/rejects good treatment* w) works *below abilities/potential*
21:48 18: x) *fails at tasks* they can clearly do y) see u (avoid, undermine, reject, deny pleasure) z) external success not reflected by *internal evaluation* aa) passes on *opportunities*
22:55 19. ab) *quits* just before success ac) *revenge--hurt self to* hurt others in anger ad) *using rebel label* to mask failure inferiority
24:20 20. *RECOVERY DANGERS*
a) not developing *solid career skills* vs easy path/fool others b) choose *career below potential*
25:35 21. c) *avoiding career promotion steps* d) *can't tolerate working for others/at entry-level*--don't advance
26:46 23. e) *repeated firings* for faults (4) f) *can't commit to one career*--stay as generalist--never progress, never specialize g) selecting *careers v hard to succeed*--won't quit
28:19 24. h) lack work *initiative/decisiveness* i) feel *fraudulent (stupid/untalented) despite success* j) *minimize strengths, exaggerate weaknesses* (feel failure despite success)
28:56 25. k) *living through successful relationship partner* while failing own potential l) compensate for failure by *focusing on minor assets* (looks, charm, youth, sacrifice)
29:59 26. m) *harmful doubt* from gaslit past n) (inaccurate) *emotional reasoning*--feelings as false truth o) *unrealistic expectations*
31:48 27. p) *insecurities exposed* q) *faulty (unfair) comparisons* (to superiors/advantaged)
33:04 28. *HEALING:*
a) fully *understand origins* b) *understand triggers* (stress, anxiety, overwhelm; failure, disappointment; hurt, anger; depression, grief; uncertainty, large change; success, positivity)
34:53 29. c) *understand your warning signs--self-defeating reactions*: 1) old habits of pleasure now, pain later 2) neglect of various needs 3) self-criticism 4) perfectionism 5) self-pity victimhood
37:57 30. c) 6-15) procrastination, comparing self to others, social withdrawal/isolation, risky sexual behaviours, refusing help, over-spending, relationship sabotage, over/under eating, self-injurious behaviours
39:19 31. c) 15-20) return to addiction, swearing abnormally, neglect daily health routine, later sleep times, mindless distraction/neglecting responsibilities, re-establishing unhealthy past connections
41:16 32. d) *see the pattern in your failures* e) make a *plan to change* f) *follow flashcard recipe* (on fridge) step by step [ex. when this happens, I'll do...--get back to cortex] g) involve loved ones in the process (encouraging accountability mentor/surrogate family)
43:15 33. h) *challenge accuracy* of distorted failure feelings, core belief--*reframe with truth* (ex: true? others correct? actually failure? given proper tools?) i) *reconnect with inner child* still feeling like a failure j) *help inner child see distortion inaccuracy* k) become *aware of your strengths* (talents, skills, abilities, accomplishments)
//Action for readers: pls review these slides on a recurring basis to assess and interrupt -ve patterns. Best wishes -V//
I've been wanting to understand this issue for over a decade. Thank you!
Me too 🤯
Work environments require a certain amount of masking to fit into the culture and to adopt the values of that work environment. As a result, work environments don't feel totally safe or secure as you can't be yourself, and they're also high-performance environments, which further exacerbates it. What is the definition of safe and secure in the case of work?
Thanks Tim. Im confronting this issue presently. Its very difficult. It feels intolerable and dangerous. I feel one mistake away from living in the gutter, homeless. Its a terrifying but also comfortable feeling because ive been there before. If all else fails i am good at surving failing. 💩🤦🏆
I feel extreme amounts of stress and anxiety with these videos I'm a mom and I feel like it feels so hard to make sure your doing everything right! I pray my kids aren't forming in these maladaptive ways ugh :/
😳😳 I’m doing so many of these things right now! I’m a bit dissociated. The staying up late bc everything is quiet, totally isolating. I’m also injured on workman’s comp so things are stressful and different anyway. Just had a private investigator follow me and that was triggering. I’m in therapy healing and I hear these videos and I make notes of what I’m doing. I never realized I’ve been sabotaging almost everything in my life! 😵💫
This show hit on most the feelings I’ve been grappling with and reasons I’m feeling so stuck in life.
Tim, you're such a life saviour. Thank you for who you are and all your information.
For years it's been a lonely war, but finally I broke the paradox of isolation and reached out for help. I'm done to keep running into myself and am learning to accept some things about myself and learn how to change it.
This right here, this prison of failure really hits the target. Currently I'm in scheme therapy, getting in touch with all my protective modes and my inner child. It's immense how many I've stored away and disconnected from, it's all coming now in a flood. Luckily I've been blessed with a good social ring around me, and this, your work really helps. It gives perspective, answers and finally some recognition for something I could not put into words for so long.
Bless you❤
Thank you from the depths of my soul for your videos
Thanks so much Time for all you do.
I miss the Bible section, because that was important for my healing from Spiritual abuse, but I guess I could always go to your archives for that.
Blessings 🙌
Same!
This is definitely something that troubles me throughout each day. I’m currently in recovery and also recovering from being a “Nice guy” and I find myself not feeling worthy of recovery, peace and happiness most times and then doing something to sabotage. You allowing an invasive thought to control my actions whether it’s too snoop on things invade peoples privacy, not respect the boundary that they have previously given or just flat out do something I will hurt myself and I really struggle with all this.
Tim ❤ never stop❤ i love you xxx
This is me 100%, I feel very broken. Your videos have connected so many dots for me, thank you so much.
I'm just starting the video and I'm not sure if you go into this, but I feel that although I know it has hindered me in life, expecting myself to be a failure in a way has actually spared me from the pressures I see others endure; perfection, keeping up with the status quo, false appearances, all that stuff that comes along with the expectations of adults in modern society. I never tried and yeah it doesn't feel good, but I'd say that settling with being a failure in a way has made me really proud of the achievements that I've accomplished. Don't get me wrong, if I had it my way I would not have been raised this way but I don't know I just kind of embraced it.
I'm a bit the same
I know what you mean. Also sometimes it means you get to rest with no pressure or expectations when you're absolutely exhausted from battling with CPTSD and a stressful demanding society.
crying at work cause you read me like you know me personally
I have experienced being intentionally sabotaged so that the Golden Child was always on a pedestal. One is a designated winner… the other designated to be The Failure.
Absolutely-love is pain so love is out
It took me over 2 hours just to watch, re-watch, digest and take notes.. Thank you
So tragic that my parents tick off all the items on the list with growing up in a chaotic environment. But I feel seen and validated. Thank you, Tim Fletcher. 🙏 Everyday, I am working on recovery.
This is my second video experience with Tim. And whoo boy! This video hits the nail on the head. I had such a hard time watching it, because that side of me that wants to keep failing, kept running away and switching off the video for other more comfortable subjects. Glad a stuck with it till the end. 🙂
As a highly intelligent, high-achieving child, everyone expected a lot from me, and yet my report always indicated that I didn't apply myself fully/full potential not reached, etc etc. I couldn't have dreamt a worse life for myself. After some success in my youth, in spite of worsening mental health (undiagnosed CPTSD), I've ended up 49, still at home, now physically suffering, single, generally broke and unable to work. My life's the polar opposite of everything I wanted it to be. I want change, but there's this huge disconnect. Only when you spoke about the doom pattern of parental conflict in the home did the penny drop for me as to why i never think I can't have anything - always waiting for the ton of bricks. It's so obvious now! Thank you.
We need more details on healing
Thank you Tim! Being aware of my own self-sabotage and overcoming it is the central theme that I'm grappling with right now. Your video seemed to be shared with me at the perfect time time :)
I just got read.
This is a big one for me, can’t wait to hear it all. Thanks Tim!
Also appreciate the new and improved audio/video.
I don’t know what to say
This sums it up all
And I reached a point that I just can’t change and hope for my life to end
A narcissist will future fake their spouse/partner; and as a parent, they may also future fake their child, causing the child to lose hope (since the promises never happen).
Everyone remember. Hes talking in a very general sense. There are many other unique personal factors in reality of a situation.
Or,…perhaps the parent didn’t SAY, “you’re a failure”(but rather, you simply knew they believed that you were a failure. Or,…It may have been implied; or inferred.)
Thank you for this! I needed to hear every word of it. Thank you again!
This is me. Every video is 100% me. I have so messed up. The only hope I have is the idea that I can heal and change my beliefs and behaviors. So far I have been heavy into self sabotage. I keep getting complacency to trigger me to default and its a very hard life right now. I am afraid.😊
Absolutely no hoping allowed
Wow, so grateful for this information. ♡ At this point, I'm afraid of not being able to handle all the connections and relationships that come with success. Trying to stay positive, but I don't know how to fix the isolation issue with no family or friends. It's so exhausting to think of investing again with so much failure. How to get support?
thank you Ive been trying to understand my pattern and I was lead to your yt. It makes sense now. Wasted so much time now I undestand my pattern clearly. Thank you.❤
Tim can you please do a video on how to get out of freeze response? Somatics, meditation and exercise don't help much
In my expirience it just takes time. Rest. Be kind to yourself. You are doing great with all you do. You dont seem in psychological «shock» state. Give yourself time. It takes longer than one want to - but you will get out of freeze❤ It just takes time.
There’s some videos on here already on that, just type in *How to get out of freeze response*.
I agree. Nothing works for me to get out of freeze.
thank you so so much for your real talk & wonderful help, the short video's i really (sorry) cannot handle, blessings from Belgium
Tim, you're amazingly insightful and doing great work. Thanks for all you do. Means a lot to a lot of people.
I am not an addict my score is 52. My problem is the comparison and the fact that I had my 1st child at 15 and couldn't finish school and that is my thing. No excessive fighting but my Mom was a big bad girl in my life. Dad worked construction and was away a lot😭I always feel like a huge failure and can't keep a job
Jesus Christ Tim! This was so powerful. It felt like you were speaking to me directly.
Got a 10. But this was part of therapy I received as a teenager
Wow this resonates. Can one overcome? I did it again today, why am I like this. Was this my last chance? I’m too old for this behavior.
A couple decades ago I was in a hot tub with a girl I recently met. I had just made a big sale in my summer job and had been awarded a choice scholarship in college. And I still couldn’t feel good about myself when I should have felt on top of the world. My sense of self couldn’t handle it.
When I was elected president of my professional business fraternity instead of going out with friends I went home and got stoned, because my sense of self couldn’t handle it. God, the life I have squandered because my sense of self couldn’t handle being competent, successful, accepted, and happy.
I know the trauma is generational, and I should forgive and accept my parents for the shame-based and pain-compliance parenting, but ‘fuck them’ is my current feeling. Do I owe them the kindness and basic human courtesy they rarely afforded me? As narcissists they have never a once apologized, leaving me to feel it was all my fault all the time.
This video was for me ❤❤❤
Thank you
Thank you for this very insightful talk!!
I have taken in a lot of psychology/mental health related videos over the past several years and this really gave me some new perspectives along with direction for solutions..
I do a lot of these behaviors, just want to stop
We need the holy spirit to help
@Ali76564 I'm done begging for help from people who don't seem to want to help me. I'm done begging women to want me, I'm done begging God to want me, I'm done begging "Satan " to leave me alone. At this point it's whatever, if my father was gonna be my father he should've done it when I was a child in need of a father, not while I'm a middle aged man who's life is all but over.
If this isn't divine timing I don't no what it is
For me too
Fr😳🙃
Me too!! 👍🙂↕️🤯🌞
Unreal...yup, for me too
algorithm and probability
One Time again, a huge thank you. It's one of my major issue which bring a lot of shame with it. It's very helpful to give some keys to get out of this prison. It's a long road but I'm sure it worth the ride.
Hi Tim. Thank you for helping us all get better.
Tim Fletcher….what a great man 👌
I'm praying for you Tim.
Good grief, you have so many failure scenarios, who would you NOT consider to be a failure.
This!
THIS THIS THIS!
I've listened to a few of yours, and typically when doing other things.
Some has filtered in and I highly rate your commentary.
This cast contained my unwritten life plan.
Around 25 mins, you talk about being in a job that's way below my skillset..
What do I do next?
Tell me please, and be considerate that I make minimum wage.
At different phases in life all of these teachings and information pods are relevant to 'me and mine' - holistic life styling.
I hate it literally had a chance at a really awesome relationship with a woman I've come to love last year my issues sabotaged our date before it happened and now things are rocky its not fair I love her its fucked up how shit my parents did to me ruined a healthy happy relationship.
I met a man last year to and the same happened
I’m so sorry to hear that, I hope that you two get a chance again or maybe you could even try opening up to her if she’s a safe person? I totally & completely resonate with you so I feel you. Parents didn’t raise me right (or at all!) so I become so dysregulated & “monstrous” around others, cptsd lashing out & I burn everyone around me. Ruined so many good things because of that but it’s ok because we’re learning, healing and actively trying! So that’s what really matters. Hang in there fellow rebel ❤🫡🔥
@@diedloling she's a safe person but I haven't been one with my emotional flash backs. I'm afraid during one of them I snapped at her but its hard for me to remember and trust myself we are going to talk sometime soon and hopefully resolve some issues between us. I want to date her so badly in a healthy way and its so fucking hard for me.
U can heal and create a beautiful relationship.
@@JudeRevolution-c1l you don't create one you build one and I'm trying really hard to show up in a healthy way.
I'm wondering one thing - if school bullying could contribute to this prison.
I had a weird relationship with my dad. I never doubt that he loves me, and I love him. From time to time, he'd just toss a comment, sometimes very off-handed or contradictory to what we've discussed. And sometimes, those hurt me a ton, like him "teasing" me about the inheritance I got ("how are you going to afford all this" even though the upkeep for the place I inherited when I don't use it would be some $50 a month. As I didn't know the low cost when he said it to me, it made me consider rejecting the inheritance outright), or calling me lazy when I desperately needed to rest. It was never a very serious thing, and we've talked like normal an hour later. He never apologized for these, but that we can work on.
But, anyways, aside from that. I was bullied almost my entire time at school. From the first grade of primary school, until the second grade of high school, it was relentless. About everything - my weight, my interests (drawing during breaks), my more nerdy disposition, not being good at sports, me being on good terms with all the teachers, all that. And it continued because I never had the will to fight back. I'm not violent, and I can't throw a punch. And when I tried to out-smart them, they wiped the floor with me. Me and my parents tried to fight it through the school, but after every "talk" with the school psychologist, they'd just bully me more.
I got my baggage out of it - I'm way easier to bully as an adult, which people exploit. Got pretty hardcore OCD in second grade of high school. I'm an introvert, don't go out much. My self-esteem is negative. My drawing skills never improved since primary school (yes, for that many years I was treading water), and recently my imagination and passion for writing and world building have both been dying, too.
Could my bullying and the effects I suffer now be related? I think they are, but I'd love a confirmation...
Absolutely. I was in the same situation, except I had no family support and had to endure it. In order to try and make things better, I sabotaged myself intentionally, but it didn't work. Now I struggle with success because I was bullied for being smart (as well as everything else).
Know for sure that that is definitely the cause, and now that you know, you can overcome it❤
God bless you, Tim!
God bless you, Tim.
Do you have a video about not being allowed to be too happy? Like don't get too happy, successful or excited about anything ..
Or a video about loving yourself but not believing others love you?
Thanks!
Self-sabotage is also due to the fear of change and destroying previous core beliefs. Because what core beliefs provide us, whatever they are? Stability, security, predictability. Without them the inherent unpredictability of existence might be too much to bear.
@@alexxx4434 wisdom. ❤️
I was doing ok, till some change came up a couple months ago. But its good to be faced with derp core stuff so that im forced to work through it.
Thank you
Thank you Tim 🙏
Does anyone feel that complex trauma has affected their ability to write or organize their thoughts when it comes to complex issues?
Need Help really .
Safe people? In this day & age, that’s an illusion…..
I have a question- are there any studies regarding CPTSD caused by systemic oppression.
Thank you ❤
Oh man, I felt very called out in this one :(
Don't worry, me too!
I love it!! Now you (i) know, now you (i) can heal.
Pray for social worker s thanks God for them in the UK and anywhere to help.people
Super failure right here!
@@Cassie-pt7mtscapegoat role is no joke 😢
Omfg I got in the 50s on that test, and now everything makes so much sense. I’m crying right now. Im going to work really hard on healing this wound, it has plagued me my entire life. My parents never set limits for me and I drowned the older I got. They were also turbulent and emotionally volatile themselves.
keep going.
yes you.
me too.
don't give up.
do one tiny thing today off that's all you can manage
but do do it.
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
it'll get better. ❤
Growing up with my extremely domineering, competitive and bullying older sibling did a lot to create this belief in me. My parents and family dud a lot of the rest. And a tendency towards really high sensitivity and strong and fast reactions/hypersensitive nervous system (*sigh*) , did the rest.
I also wanted to add that I've wondered whether I am on the autism spectrum. My sensitivity is so off the charts. I still prefer to take medication to help with a propensity towards anxiety that was always a struggle. However, after doing a lot of healing work that saw major chnges and improvements in my life, I started to wonder whether it were not more or even mostly my coming from a traumatic family, that's the real culprit .
It's a good question. Especially when some have noted the similarities between Asperger's/Autism and people from traumatic backgrounds.
Both, for example, see delays in one's development.
Also, the line can further be blurred when one considers the similarities that narcissists and (to an extent) autistic/Asperger's folk can have.
But I would take this further and suggest that you can find both types within a family. Where the aspie is the targeted scapegoat, by narcissistic family members.
I feel your pain, for me, it was my older brother growing up, he’s 6 and a half years older than me. He treated me like shit and used me being dyslexic to verbally put me down, from 7-8 years old to 20 years old, he literally called me EVERY name in the book>stupid, dumb, dumbass, losers, told I wasn’t shit and never would be shit, called me retarded and told me I looked retarded. I have seen him like 3 times in the past 20 years and have only talked to him once via text message in 20 years, back in 2021. Of course he claims he doesn’t know why I don’t like him etc, it’s funny how bullies and abusers can NEVER remember what they’ve done and the trauma and damage they’ve caused, must be nice to have a short term memory and just go on with your life like NOTHING ever happened.
@@UTP504 He sounds like he was and is a sadistic creep. Sorry you were put through that.
@@lambchop6278 Definitely, he was so cruel, bad energy and always, always had something negative to say, there was nothing fun about growing up with him, it was hell. Thank you. 🙏🏾
@@UTP504 Thank you, also. 🙂🪷
This is very painful to listen to.
... so what if you do these things & are actually devalued/ not heard/ given unrealistic expectations/ etc job after job irl? what is that if it's your current reality & not a past trauma?
Good stuff, except for the incredibly frustrating ad interruptions every 6 or 7 minutes. That's 6 ads in 42 minutes. These do make it hard to follow along well or take anything in.
So what if ALL of the triggers and tools of coping apply to you?
I sored 59 out of 60...a 6 for sure. This describes me to a T!😢 Sadly!
Can you give me a link to see what happened to Johnny Cash?
Could all this be related to Borderline? I see myself going trought exactly everything Tim just described. But my doubt is if this is caused solo by complex trauma, BPD or if they are just correlated, I experience one because I experience the other conversely
Ouch Tim Steps on My Toes 🙈