- if they avoid talking about themselves - if they tell you they are not a romantic person and don’t really like romantic things - they don’t have many (or any) previous relationships. And ones they did have were very short - less than a year - they have a lot of situationships or fwbs in their past. - they talk about things (and people) in objective and logical terms and struggle to attach personal sentiment or feeling to anything (or anyone) - they are good at providing constructive feedback and criticism but struggle to focus on the positive
Most of these things are not so obvious at all. My avoidant ex has had 10 year marriage and a lot of shorter relationships. But she talked about the relationships with such unemotional way like they never mattered her anything.
This is a topic i need. I just end up bringing it up as a casual conversation topic. Works perfectly. No ambiguity. Hard boundary of keep those kinds away from me
Avoidance are some of the worst people. Why should we have to cater to their needs? Why should we work hard to make them feel safe and secure when they don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves?
I can see this. I'm very independent and I can definitely say it's more important to focus on my purpose than it is my relationships. This isn't because I don't value them mind you, it's just that I know I was created to accomplish the goals I've set for myself. My biggest example is my "spice of lifer" who brought up marriage. After having a talk, we had to scale things back due to some of the goals I have that will take the next several years to jumpstart (expanding my business, buying property, investing, etc). While she's always been supportive, she doesn't seem to want the same kind of life. We decided to scale back to being platonic again (we were friends for 10 years and rather than spend time dating she right it would be better to go straight to marriage) and revisit the idea of marriage in the next several years after my business expansion has jump-started. I look forward to the Anxious video as I attracted anxious types before I was familiar with attachment styles.
@@Bulldogsrentfree-m7g thank you for sharing your personal experience. One thing I might gently offer, is that it seems you have a belief that a relationship detracts from what you have set out for yourself. Is it possible to find a relationship that either supports or challenges you in these ways that are expansive, and contribute to your goals (and would actually accelerate the obtaining of them) instead of detracts from them?
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment oh it's definitely possible, but I've learned that I have to be selective in making the final decision. I've had three different women who have proposed marriage and each one had a problem with expanding my goals. The first was an AP girlfriend about 12 years ago when I first set out to become a self employed personal trainer. My girlfriend at the time was initially supportive, but became resentful as I moved up the ladder. It got to the point where she was arguing with me constantly about how I was "always working" and "never had any time for her" despite spending a few days at a time with her. The second woman was also AP and initially supportive as well. I was teaching small group martial art classes at night while training people in fitness during the day. Like the previous ex, she became resentful and eventually revealed she was a communist/Marxist and hated capitalism. She then made it a point to cause all sorts of problems in the relationship, even cursing me out when I told her I was working toward becoming a multimillionaire. The "spice of lifer" who proposed marriage has always been supportive, but in asking the hard questions I'm seeing signs of she may eventually become resentful of me working so hard. Because I've had a 10 year friendship with her, I would rather keep it that way so I don't risk losing not only a marriage, but a wonderful friend as well. Having seen this play out twice already, I can see three steps ahead of what's happening. So to reiterate my answer to your question, yes I believe it's possible so long as the other person has similar goals. Trying to become a multimillionaire within the next 20 years is a long process and I can't waste any time trying to achieve it.
Do you not think if it has happened again and again,in your relationships. Just maybe you should just remain single.As an outsider looking in its very clear money is more important to you than a relationship.When you meet someone you really love, you actually change your goals automatically because you know you have found someone,so very special and no money or materialistic thing can ever,ever be a substitute for real love ever! Yes it's OK and very healthy to have goals and hobbies together and different from your partner but from an outsider point of veiw here you let your goals take a front seat in your relationships.That in turn damaged your relationships.You can't expect others to watch you achieve living your life while they remain stuck waiting for you to give them the attention and love they deserve.I was once in a relationship were the person want to travel all the time he travel 111 countries,he didn't care how that effected his marriage,then later mine and his relationship as his marriage fell apart.He would only see his goal.In achieving his goal, it meant he worked non stop to earn money to reach that goal.Then couldn't understand why his wife had enough and walked way and I too walked away.When in a relationship there has to be reciprocity.
I would be careful with some of these. 2, 4, and 6 can just be an autistic person who is less emotionally expressive, has routines for self regulation reasons, and doesn’t like small talk. Autistic people can be incredibly attentive and caring partners. I am autistic and so is my girlfriend. She is amazingly loving and secure, and I’m extremely anxiously attached. We may also need a lot of alone time and be slower on physical touch. Knowing the difference between neurodivergence and avoidance is important. I will say I also chased after an incredibly avoidant person who was also autistic. Their emotional immaturity has nothing to do with their autism. Either way, be careful making assumptions about someone’s attachment style from just a few of these.
@@user-mt2co8ip4u That’s literally the most untrue and disrespectful comment I’ve herd, disrespectfully fuck you ~ from: the autistic that “no one wants” in a relationship and healing trauma while having a happy life with great people
@@sasb3675 whatever their attachment style if they demonstrate these behaviors, it’s definitely something you wanna pay attention to, and expresses some level of avoidance whatever they’re ultimate attachment style might be
I dont understand, I am pretty sure I am avoidant due to trauma ( beatings from dad when I was young, including 2 KO's when I was around 7/8 years ). If you are TRULY AVOIDANT, why or how can you try to date?! That doesnt sound like an avoidant person to me, I always avoid getting to personal to people, esp. If I think I might like someone on a romance level It sounds more like these people are something else, narcissist perhaps? I mean, obv. I cannot date due to my inability/lower emotional intelligence. If I try to, I'm conscious trying to hurt people because that relationship obv. won't work ...
- if they avoid talking about themselves
- if they tell you they are not a romantic person and don’t really like romantic things
- they don’t have many (or any) previous relationships. And ones they did have were very short - less than a year
- they have a lot of situationships or fwbs in their past.
- they talk about things (and people) in objective and logical terms and struggle to attach personal sentiment or feeling to anything (or anyone)
- they are good at providing constructive feedback and criticism but struggle to focus on the positive
@@Wes-Tyler thank you for adding these additional signs. 👍💕
Most of these things are not so obvious at all. My avoidant ex has had 10 year marriage and a lot of shorter relationships.
But she talked about the relationships with such unemotional way like they never mattered her anything.
This is a topic i need. I just end up bringing it up as a casual conversation topic. Works perfectly. No ambiguity. Hard boundary of keep those kinds away from me
Avoidance are some of the worst people. Why should we have to cater to their needs?
Why should we work hard to make them feel safe and secure when they don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves?
Trauma and shame can be behind many of these behaviors, in addition to neurodivergence, which another viewer mentioned.
I can see this. I'm very independent and I can definitely say it's more important to focus on my purpose than it is my relationships. This isn't because I don't value them mind you, it's just that I know I was created to accomplish the goals I've set for myself.
My biggest example is my "spice of lifer" who brought up marriage. After having a talk, we had to scale things back due to some of the goals I have that will take the next several years to jumpstart (expanding my business, buying property, investing, etc). While she's always been supportive, she doesn't seem to want the same kind of life. We decided to scale back to being platonic again (we were friends for 10 years and rather than spend time dating she right it would be better to go straight to marriage) and revisit the idea of marriage in the next several years after my business expansion has jump-started. I look forward to the Anxious video as I attracted anxious types before I was familiar with attachment styles.
@@Bulldogsrentfree-m7g thank you for sharing your personal experience. One thing I might gently offer, is that it seems you have a belief that a relationship detracts from what you have set out for yourself. Is it possible to find a relationship that either supports or challenges you in these ways that are expansive, and contribute to your goals (and would actually accelerate the obtaining of them) instead of detracts from them?
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment oh it's definitely possible, but I've learned that I have to be selective in making the final decision. I've had three different women who have proposed marriage and each one had a problem with expanding my goals.
The first was an AP girlfriend about 12 years ago when I first set out to become a self employed personal trainer. My girlfriend at the time was initially supportive, but became resentful as I moved up the ladder. It got to the point where she was arguing with me constantly about how I was "always working" and "never had any time for her" despite spending a few days at a time with her.
The second woman was also AP and initially supportive as well. I was teaching small group martial art classes at night while training people in fitness during the day. Like the previous ex, she became resentful and eventually revealed she was a communist/Marxist and hated capitalism. She then made it a point to cause all sorts of problems in the relationship, even cursing me out when I told her I was working toward becoming a multimillionaire.
The "spice of lifer" who proposed marriage has always been supportive, but in asking the hard questions I'm seeing signs of she may eventually become resentful of me working so hard. Because I've had a 10 year friendship with her, I would rather keep it that way so I don't risk losing not only a marriage, but a wonderful friend as well. Having seen this play out twice already, I can see three steps ahead of what's happening.
So to reiterate my answer to your question, yes I believe it's possible so long as the other person has similar goals. Trying to become a multimillionaire within the next 20 years is a long process and I can't waste any time trying to achieve it.
Do you not think if it has happened again and again,in your relationships. Just maybe you should just remain single.As an outsider looking in its very clear money is more important to you than a relationship.When you meet someone you really love, you actually change your goals automatically because you know you have found someone,so very special and no money or materialistic thing can ever,ever be a substitute for real love ever!
Yes it's OK and very healthy to have goals and hobbies together and different from your partner but from an outsider point of veiw here you let your goals take a front seat in your relationships.That in turn damaged your relationships.You can't expect others to watch you achieve living your life while they remain stuck waiting for you to give them the attention and love they deserve.I was once in a relationship were the person want to travel all the time he travel 111 countries,he didn't care how that effected his marriage,then later mine and his relationship as his marriage fell apart.He would only see his goal.In achieving his goal, it meant he worked non stop to earn money to reach that goal.Then couldn't understand why his wife had enough and walked way and I too walked away.When in a relationship there has to be reciprocity.
I would be careful with some of these. 2, 4, and 6 can just be an autistic person who is less emotionally expressive, has routines for self regulation reasons, and doesn’t like small talk. Autistic people can be incredibly attentive and caring partners. I am autistic and so is my girlfriend. She is amazingly loving and secure, and I’m extremely anxiously attached. We may also need a lot of alone time and be slower on physical touch. Knowing the difference between neurodivergence and avoidance is important. I will say I also chased after an incredibly avoidant person who was also autistic. Their emotional immaturity has nothing to do with their autism. Either way, be careful making assumptions about someone’s attachment style from just a few of these.
I don’t believe being avoidant equates emotional immaturity and, if so, just as much as the anxiously attached 🤷🏻
I’m an autistic dismissive avoidant
With all due respect, most people don't want to date autistic individuals
@@teodescartes1771yes anxiously attached people are just as emotionally immature
@@user-mt2co8ip4u That’s literally the most untrue and disrespectful comment I’ve herd, disrespectfully fuck you ~ from: the autistic that “no one wants” in a relationship and healing trauma while having a happy life with great people
Does this go for both DAs and FAs?
@@sasb3675 whatever their attachment style if they demonstrate these behaviors, it’s definitely something you wanna pay attention to, and expresses some level of avoidance whatever they’re ultimate attachment style might be
He had most of these traits.
@@mayurikeny thank you for sharing.
I appreciate your videos and content you’re very well spoken. I just don’t love the testimonials.
I dont understand, I am pretty sure I am avoidant due to trauma ( beatings from dad when I was young, including 2 KO's when I was around 7/8 years ).
If you are TRULY AVOIDANT, why or how can you try to date?! That doesnt sound like an avoidant person to me, I always avoid getting to personal to people, esp. If I think I might like someone on a romance level
It sounds more like these people are something else, narcissist perhaps? I mean, obv. I cannot date due to my inability/lower emotional intelligence. If I try to, I'm conscious trying to hurt people because that relationship obv. won't work ...
It is most likely the level of avoidance, your experience sounds tough
@mertserozan7268 | ah, ofc. - good point Merts