TEN UGLY TRUTHS ABOUT NARCISSISTS
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- Опубліковано 3 чер 2024
- Sometimes you can cling to mythical thinking, hoping against all odds that the controller in your life will see the light and be what you want. A major step in healing from the strains with a narcissist is to accept the ugly truth about what you are up against. Dr. Les Carter cites 10 common truths you'll need to come to terms with.
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who lives in Dallas, Tx. Over the past 39 years he has conducted many workshops and over 60,000 counseling sessions.
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The simplest truth about them: YOU cannot help them and THEY do not care.
Bravo! Right to the very point!
Four marriage therapist in five years, and we were literally still at square one. It either didn't help, or it made things worse. What did help is the last therapist told me that "you can't do the same thing over and over and expect a different result". I knew I needed to separate from her. We ultimately divorced and I couldn't be happier.
You can't fix someone who does not believe they are broken.
You can't change what you don't acknowledge.
They are rotten to the core
Forgiveness to a narcissist is a green light for them to keep doing exactly the same things they apologized for.
True. He probably thinks I'm the big dummy and he is so clever and superior.
So true! They will crawl back into your life like a snake and the same cycle starts again. They are cold-blooded(in my opinion). I feel sorry for them, but I don't want them in my life.
You had the N actually name the wrong in an apology? Count yourself one of the few.
Forgive for yourself and move on.
Amen, sister! WELL SAID.
Narcs never say sorry, and it’s always your fault, never theirs
AMEN
@@jamiesheffield2450 '!
They're also always right and have never made a mistake in their entire life and if they did it was somebody else's fault
@@stillpril8942 absolutely 💯!!!
Mine says he has nothing to apologize for, because he has done nothing wrong. 100% problem in our marriage is that I don't see how great he is. I'm not being sarcastic he had actually said this many times.
Narcissist apology: "I'm sorry you felt I offended you". Narcissist confession: " I've done nothing wrong"
This attitude isee this on my Pastor he is not considering others opinion.
I got one today. I'm sorry I was in a bad mood earlier. 🙄
Wow that statement is so on the money$$$. How . About this one I will apologize but I don't know what I'm apologizing for ???? .omg. . Has anyone ever heard that one ??? .
EXACTLY!!!! My best friend whom I rent from on his property, is a serious Narc.... always turns the situations back on me like it's my fault... always needs to be complemented, does the woe is me, his pain is always worse than mine...never asks how I feel, but, always expects me to check on their feelings/pain etc.... Makes me so tired everyday. It's like walking on eggshells, never knowing what mood will be there
Once I figured out that my mother is a covert narcissist, her ability to guilt or shame me into doing something I don't want to do is gone. She has gotten frustrated enough that her covert tactics aren't effective that she actually has come right out and verbally abused me in front of members of our extended family, which is completely "out of character" for her, as far as they're concerned. I did not respond to her comments at, waited several minutes after someone else shifted the conversation back in another direction, and left the room after 10 minutes or so. I did not interact with her for the rest of the day. That night, she found me folding clothes in the laundry, alone, and tried to the narcissist faux-pology, but completely in private:
Mom: "I'm sorry I made you angry earlier today."
Me: "You didn't. . "
Mom: (interrupting me) "Well I certainly think I did. You took your things and left the room."
Me: "Think what you want. I wasn't angry. I understood from your remarks that have a very low opinion of me and my family. I disagree with your opinion, but you're entitled to hold it. I'm not angry now and I wasn't angry at the time."
Mom: (backing away from me, looking at her feet) "I'm so tired and I have a headache. . I'm going to bed."
Notice how she didn't ever actually apologize for what she said earlier, but apologized for what the feeling she thought she caused me to have? Her manipulation requires me to have an emotional reaction to her so that I'll do literally anything to no longer feel that way.
She couldn't process the absence of any emotion, defense, or explanation from me. It completely stopped her in her tracks because her tactics require me to feel guilty, sad, responsible for and deserving of her abuse even if I have no idea why.
She also couldn't process what I actually did say, which confirmed for her that I heard her insults but am completely indifferent to her ridiculously unfair, u true statements about me and my family. She couldn't even address the things she'd said because she knows they were awful, untrue, and ugly. In the past, I would have wanted her to tell me why she would say such hurtful things about us so she could (privately, mind you) play the victim and, without apologizing, get me to feel so relieved that she had explained why she acted that way that I the whole situation would be forgotten by the next morning.
The message she definitely took away this time was that I have let go of the fantasy of having a mother who knows, loves and accepts me, and her manipulation tactics are therefore useless with me.
She retreated from the laundry room as if I had threatened her, which I think I sort of did by stripping her "sweetest little old lady" mask off while calmly folding towels.
"I have been to the puppet show and I have seen the strings" is my new motto when I have to interact with her now. Of course, we promptly returned to the love bombing phase and I'm now a "genius" whom she "loves so dearly" because I showed her how to use Zoom, figured out what was wrong with her cooktop, and re-set her sprinkler system. The difference is I exactly as much as I want to help her, when it's convenient for me, and I'm no longer deluded by the idea that this relationship has ever been anything but a series of transactions, deposits and withdrawals, for her. Nothing more human, profound or meaningful than that.
Attempting to make a narcissist become self aware of what they’re doing is like having a deep, meaningful, conversation with one...NEVER. Gonna. Happen. EVER.
Never , never, never. Remember you are talking to a 5 year old in an adult body. Toddler that wants to get his / her / it / way no matter what. Mine , mine , I , I , No, No, I don’t like you any more, you are not my friend anymore, I hate you . I love you. Blah , blah , blah . So Confusing . Some of us don’t know if we are coming or going. We empath will say : poor baby , what can i do to please this thing. To make this THING happy . Lol. MISSION IMPOSSIBLE. Lol
My mom absolutely refuses to look at any of her behavior or actions in any way whatsoever. I'm realizing there is no hope for this ever happening.
@@scottwoods3510 No, there isn’t. I’m so sorry. A narcissist brain doesn’t comprehend love and conflict resolution like we do. They blame and deflect...It’s utterly maddening!
I left a narcissist 3 weeks ago today after 20 years of distance I had never known in a relationship. I left everything but a carry on for the plane.
I couldn’t be happier if I won the lottery TWICE!! 😁
@@suzanvaughn4522 That's exactly what she does, every time. I'm just praying, and trying not to engage.
@@dianella2008 Yup, you're reading my mind. No matter what I say or do, she lies in wait to spring. "Gee mom, isn't it a beautiful day"? "What the hell is that supposed to mean"?
My so called "best friend" is a narcissist. I finally went no contact after almost 20 years of bullshit behavior. I feel freed, a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
What kind of things would happen with this person
I went no contact after 10 years, and it's amazing how much better I feel
Same
1) The Narcissist’s profession of Love is not really Love.
2) When a Narcissist asks personal questions - they are not really trying to understand you. They are actually gathering data on you.
3) You’re not the only person they have manipulated. (Their behaviour is about their character.)
4) A Narcissist’s comments of remorse may seem sincere … BUT - they will later regret it and change the narrative. (Any remorse is only temporary.)
5) They tend to keep many secrets. (Image is ALL important to the Narcissist.)
6) Narcissists genuinely do not see how they come across. (Narcissists operate with a low levels of self-awareness.)
7) Narcissists tend to live with lots of double-standards.
8) Narcissists are not interested in problem-solving. (Rather than finding a middle ground - instead, they seek out advantages.)
9) Their condescension (put-downs) is a compensation for their own inadequacies. (They fear revealing personal struggles.)
10) For the Narcissist - arguments create a surge of power inwardly. (They like the feeling of self-importance.)
My Narcs favorite come back if you had a different point of view was " so you want to start a fight " ? ....Thinking differently than him was not allowed....and I remember the most sincere apology....only for him to renig on it very shortly afterward...and the REWRITING of history....OMG....happened all the time !.....
This is the first time I actually wanted to hear each point in detail, vs in other videos I would’ve just read this list!
11) they lie about everything even small insignificant things
12) they withhold intimacy, affection, compliments, attention or any interest in you whatsoever unless it is a manipulation.
13) you are nothing more than a prop for their “image”. You make them look successful. You are only an ornament on their tree of their life! They don’t consider YOUR LIFE at all!
14) Nothing you think you have with them is real. Everything is fake.
This guy, Dr. Les Carter, knows what he's talking about. Every video I've seen from this guy is on the money. He's giving away/teaching priceless information. YHWH bless you, Dr. Carter.
Omg i said the same, he has them down pat. Love him. He is helping me survive one.
Yup, exactly what I was just thinking
Agree a brilliant man...why dont you run the country?
JESUS is YHWH , the Messiah
Yes, I have experienced everything he speaks about in my narcissistic family. I have removed myself from them. Unfortunately I meet more of them in the culture than I have ever seen before. We have to be picky and observant when we meet people who might be friends. LOL
I observed one main reason a narcissist refuses to admit guilt and that is because they lack a conscience!
If you try to make their life better, they will mk your life miserable simultaneously...
It's kind of like the old South mentality. Yes sir Master said the slave
Yes so true made me tear up thinking about that .
Yes, more you help them, more they make your life miserable. They are best ignored.
@@vasudashenoy9613 True I naturally compliment people or encourage when they express their insecurity for exnljr but I know a narcissist who deliberately expresses her concern of failure or insecurity and if I respond by assuring her or bending it positive she would twist and stab me with an insult it's bizarre mean!!!! And I informed a ethical professional about it but they tell me I need to not take it personally bc it's just a blunt woman.
But it's emotional abuse bc this is only one example of the list of a social behavior.
So true, no resolve in so many circumstances is good enough it seems.. unless it's a twinkling with status for cash lots of it..
They are extremely condescending. Ugh! It is nauseating.
They like to use "back-handed" insults. Then...they say..."Oh, I was just kidding."They also gossip about you anywhere and everywhere...because YOU are the flawed one...not them.
Yes ..The pretension , condescending attitude is hard for me to take ...I've discovered that people who are acting better than me, really are very insecure. It's a mask
@Mike Smith I know. I spent many a Christmas dreading to go to my father's and his wife's home .He anxiously wanted me there but her and her daughter acted like I was totally beneath them. Even the way they carried themselves was hurtful. I was much taller than the women and they couldn't look down to me as they talked in a pretentious haughty manner. They had to look up....I think they had to go to a chiropractor to adjust their stiff necks after every Holiday.....just kidding....A chiropractor would be beneath them.
@Elaine Cooper Yikes, isn't it the WORST to have a narcissistic kid? Mine is married to a stuffed shirt egoist, so that is double the fun. Actually, I have not seen her for 20+ years as I live in another country (still no excuse to ignore me). I was not invited to their wedding in 1997 and quite a few other snubs. I made it clear that I don't eat dirt in order to have a relationship with anyone even if they are children. She turned all of this around to make herself look like the victim when my father and sister died in 2005-6, throwing me under the bus with my abusive family of origin to get money that should have come to me. I could go on and on but no contact, unfortunately, is the only way to preserve my sanity.
Yep..condescending, belittling, smug, name calling...everything one DOESN'T want in a relationship....but everything is YOUR fault! Oy vey!🙄
They really do ask personal questions to store up ammunition against you later. It is only feigned interest.
That's one of their games. Dr. C
They sure do!!! How could you hurt a person that's already hurting? I don't understand? Every one that's going through this has my sympathy!!! I believe it's demons! PRAYERS is all I know to do. The law is on their side. They are the "Parent"!!! I'm just waiting for them to grow up! I believe they will see the person she truly is!!!
@@jamiesheffield2450 I believe that you are right, it is demonic
Happens on the job! Dont tell them-coworkers /boss- anything other than what is necessary!
@@cindylong624 yep. The devil's time is almost over! He wants to takes everyone he can!! It won't be me. I'm not perfect, but I'm staying close to JESUS.
They lack respect
Cant respect people when they dont respect themselves lol its sad
They lack a soul
lack empathy
Yet they demand it from everybody, all the time.
Oh boy ain't that the truth! They don't respect me because they're trying to drag me in the dirt because they're dirty
Double standards : I can do what I want but not you ... you have to do the dirty/unpleasant things but not me.
Yes, that's my man. He won't do anything that will dirty his hands.
I'm no stranger to this in the past. lol!
That’s my sister.
👍🏾 I worked with a lady that *LOVED* to make everybody else in our department stick to the rules, even though she never did.
She also liked to give orders on how to process information, although she’d never help anyone do anything.
...Mind you she had the same working title as the rest of us.
She was the oldest in our department and constantly kept gossip going.
That lady was a miserable backstabber to the 💯 degree.
I’m glad I got promoted at my other job and away from her.
So many times I’ve been made to do the dirty work. It’s degrading if you have to do it EVERY TIME. If people tale shifts doing the hard work, then it isn’t so hard.
They will never be open and honest. In fact, they'll project what they've done onto the person who is dealing with them.
probably the most powerfully useful 13 minutes on UA-cam
Glad it hit home. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism Dr C i don't want to take up your time. I'm a fellow UA-camr that has followed you from the beginning. I Know it's tough to have a lot of questions and comments to honor. I've listened to everything you've posted. Every video, every minute, no less than 3 times. It was so hard to send this video link to my kids. Like I've wanted to send your stuff to them 1000 times but haven't. They are 16, 18 and 22. It's only been recently that they have begun being open with me about their abuse and fear of their mom's intentions. Even then I tried to hold off being open corporately about the matter. But this video seemed like such a sanity life line.... I group texted them a link with sincere apology for doing so. They were / are with me and have been all the way through but I still have so much angst about educating them on the matter because it can be construed as devisive / divisive you know. But at the same time.... sheez man. you know? Like this is life or death stuff. I say all this to say... I'd love to hear more content on the matter of the fine line between being in the solution or part of the problem and how that applies to educating the people you love without throwing them under the bus.
Dr. Carter I am finally in a place where I am planning my escape. I surrender. I know deep in my heart I've done everything possible.. After eighteen years it's time for peace in my life. Its either him or me and I choose me.God be with me.
@@lorewebb8980 ... you got this. What a person finds out at length is that the power of you was NOTHING but an illusion. ... one heck of an illusion ... but an illusion no less. I wish I could see the look on your face when you experience that freedom for the first time.
I agree.
Dealing with narcs is too much work.
I just don't have the time or energy.
I have more important things to do.
Change the tires on my car, put new strings on my guitar, mow the lawn in the rain...
or was it -Wash the car in the rain? "I've Got Better Things to Do" Old country
song and I can't remember who sang it, but it was my theme song for a year. Your post
reminded me of it. Shania Twain? Yes, I know... long long time ago. You've never heard of her.
@@elgieswift3498 lol funny. I will never think of that song in the same way now ever again!
@Elaine Cooper It's like working a job with overtime but instead of getting a paycheck you have to pay for working. Waste of time for nothing worthwhile. You always come out in the negative.
I have 2 kids and a mom that are narcs it's hard because of this situation
We have to learn new ways to deal with them because they don't disappear. They are everywhere
Thank you for these videos! They make me feel validated in my own perceptions, and they keep me safe and sane.
Lovely way to put it. Thanks
Your words are exactly how I feel I just couldn't put it to words like you did.
@@littlesiam1 m. Nono bnk NJ NJ NJbbn bnk Nu uJ bnk bnk bnk bnk b;
Verbal and emotional abuse from a narcissist is pure abuse. Took me years to figure this out. But I left him. Help from police. Not easy. But I did it!!
Me 2
Something I've found funny is that they can "dish it out, but they can't take it" if they get it back from you.
So true. Dr. C
Jessica Little That's so true, just said the same exact thing, you can dish it out but you can't take it. You don't like the truth. Lol I am waiting for the day, please discard me already. hahaha. 😩
Simrete Selassie tell them when insult you that was a nice narcissist Uranus statement from a fowl mouth ars hole like yourself thank you
I am so used to going to sleep when the NARC says, "its time to go to sleep, no TV, no snacks etc" and that's really the ULTIMATE NARCISSIST. When they are going to bed................the whole everything SHUTS DOWN. Well xyz has decided its time for the whole damn world to sleep. INSANE
These people are scary. Any conversation can lead to being twisted and repeated to whoever will listen making you look evil or like a nut. Having a narc as a parent is unbearable.
The worst is when its ones own father.
Imagine from a child (and until one separates completely from their father ) has been a victim of a narcissistic father all their life.
They don't want your thoughts!
🌟
Because you are but an object to them- an event.
Those type of friendships and relationships are MENTALLY EXHAUSTING!
AND when you get out of it , you say to yourself OMG...THANK GOD ITS OVER!
Yes...they suck the life out of you...they're like velcro...can't get rid of them!
Introspection is terrifying to them.
They don't know how to do it. Dr. C
It frustrates them. The last time I politely tried to make a narcissist think about his behavior and actions he furiously answered "Don't try to change me!" so I had to change the subject to a "happier" one.
@@SurvivingNarcissism I agree. It's not just that they won't be introspective, they don't know how. And unfortunately, they are not interested in learning that- or anything else.
@@mariean6120 I got the same response "this is who I am" I was told as if that was an excuse ! As if it's my fault for not accepting the abuse and just asking for the most basic kind of introspection nothing too fancy. Saying "this is who I am" and "I am x years old I'm not going to change now" are NOT apologies no matter how calmly its said. Saying this only confirmed what I thought, they dont care about my feelings they just want me to accept them and the same behaviour over and over. Crazy if I didn't know any better I would've taken that as some kind of warped apology but not anymore.
anz10 some people compare narcissists to demons. To me they are grumpy gnomes.
I lived with all of these ugly truths!! The bottom line for me, was that it was always just about him.
Yes but God will judge ! His throne is built on Justice it's not just about them even though that's what they try to make it out to be! the longer we put up with it the more they try to eat our hearts because they are heartless they crave the precious life they've turned into vampires
Dear Dr. C and others watching this video.... this is a club that I never knew existed and would never have wished to join. I feel a connection to all of you who suffer and who are disappointed. Has anyone ever apologized to you for having to endure such pain? Well, I will say it now...I AM SORRY, as a human being you certainly do not deserve to be treated with such cruelty and dishonesty. Even though I now know all about narcissism, I am still surprised by it. I can never FEEL what makes a narcissist tick, and I guess that is what makes me the lucky one. Thanks to Dr. C’s work, we know we are not alone. The awareness is a blessing to my soul. Be kind to yourself and others.
Not to be sappy or anything but you made me cry. I’ve only recently put the finger on “my” problem of 34 years. Never knew so many people were walking in the same shoes as mine and I am sooooooo grateful to have found this community. The comments are as helpful as the videos in validating my thoughts and instincts. I’m still up to my neck in this sh... but I don’t feel like ending my life anymore because I now have tools to fight back ( wrong expression but you get the gist ) and I feel I have support here.
Thanks Nancy. Yes the struggle is real, but we are not alone. Your tears indicated that, even after all you have endured, you still have a soft heart...that is admirable and a really good thing. Take care of yourself, friend.
Betty Hazel , I will and thank you for your compassion. I hope you find your way through your ordeal, if you haven’t already, and come out the other end with your pre-narc, incredible self.
I just discovered his videos an have been binge watching. They’ve been so helpful to me.
Bless you dear friend. Much appreciated. Stay safe stay well and MERRY CHRISTMAS 🎄
I am an empath and have been developing it further through out the years. I dated this man 20 yrs ago. Ran back into each other one yr ago. He successful destroyed me and everything I had built on my own. He did this in under 3 months. I was to the point of self harming. Until I found you and your videos I was at a loss. You explained him, me , and us as a couple to a tee. He does Every one of them. Thank you for bringing it all into light.
As an empath you have to be very careful around, narcissism is a modern disease nowdays bigger then the flu.
Point 4 Correct. They often apologize and come terms into the same agreement and make you happy temporarily, but quickly they flipped back to their original state of being.
Normal empathetic people don't ask questions at all - they allow you to volunteer any information you may like to share with them about yourself - just as they may volunteer personal information about themselves - Narcissistic Personality Disorder sufferers continually poke, pry, probe and data-collect personal information to use as ammunition they can use against you at a later date.
Everyone asks questions. They ask because they are genuinely interested. It is what they do with that information that is critical here. It is easy to demonize normal behavior after you've been with a narcissist but know that they are different types of people and different types of narcissists. Narcissists only want to talk about themselves. When they ask questions it's because they are gathering information for their usage. They aren't interested in human connection. Just the power trips that come from it.
Re: normal people. Alternately,
normal conversations can be a back-and-forth sharing of personal details. Equal power balance. Narcissists strive for ‘’ relationship dynamics... so they can Weaponize our personal information later.
I agree. Thanks.
I don't ask questions to get to know someone new - I have a sense of their energy and give them space to offer personal information. I think it's unusual to do this though.
I'm usually immediately asked - what do you do? Do you have a partner/kids? Those qyestions are ordinary but I don't think they say much about who a person is. I jyst answer the questions briefly but it feels like a hollow start....boxes.
Revisionist history. Sounds about right. My mother has done some seriously jacked up stuff to me, but when the rare occasion happens when it's brought up, it somehow never happened.
Or it happened so much differently....lol
I had two working as a team - what a bloody nightmare! It was like a computer virus in my mind, body and soul.
You described the Narcissist I knew unbelievably PERFECTLY! The rules that applied to me didn't in their mind apply to them...
The double standards I experienced from my narc...they can have friends, you can't...they can talk to all their exes, you can't...what they want matters, what you want doesn't...You're supposed to do everything you can for them, they do as little as possible for you.
narcs tell you what you should say, even what you should THINK!!!
I never met someone who was so evil, so many games, She suck the energy out of me. My ex narcissist told me i was her entertainment. They are scary devil's.. Lucky escape!
Mine said he loves to see me spasm out. He wld make me so angry. I left him. Nvr took him back
I like this guy!
🌟
We do, too! 🏆
As many professional books that I've read on narcissism, no one has explained it in such working, realistic terms as Dr. Carter. He validates what I thought that I already knew.
Almost spooky as it almost seems he knows my damaged sister whom I've finally had to say goodbye to forever. Good riddance to bad blood! Forget the 'forgive and forget'. I tried that over and over again only to be bitten, yet again, and much worse each time. She only gets worse the older she gets. In the end, I had to do what was best for myself and I'm so much happier and healthier for it.
@@astridgalactic9336 Narcs are sadistic abusers. They feed off of your pain that is why they enjoy causing it. They are very destructive and they know exactly what they're doing. They hate empaths.
Thank God I found him
Narcissists use mockery extensively against people - just as mockery was used extensively on them as a child by their parents-teachers-church.
Dealing with the family of a narcissist when they are dying is a nightmare. Watch out. The will disappears, deeds get signed, the house gets pillaged. The narcissist is just entertained by the whole thing. It’s sick.
Have the same experience: they change the will in favour of one of the children and create distance amongst the siblings, who were flying monkeys anyway.
Oh, yes! Went through that sort of stuff with my narc sister who had so desperately tried to have my parents' will changed both before and after both of my parents' deaths. This is one of those times I had to say, 'Thank God for lawyers!" who watched out for my best interests. Even still, I know for a fact lots of money and various items, including things that actually belonged to me, were walked away with. I just have to be happy that I could walk away from her and restore a good part of my sanity.
Doortje Dartel The flying monkeys in my family got everything after my fathers death and they were the ones who had everything already. I was poor and , disabled and got nothing.
Of course they do, but the 'escaped goat' is on another continent living their best life and being HAPPY!
Seen it many times sadly
How to deal then with narcissistic mother, who abuses verbally and emotionally? As a child, you are miserable. As an adult you might escape if you would not allow the guilt that narcissistic mother imposed on you to hunt you. Thank you so much Dr. Carter for explaining the ugly nature of narcissistic people. I wish I learnt those truths decades ago. It would spare me a lot of frustration.
These videos are the cold drinks of water after 7 years in the desert. God bless you 10x over.
My gosh, i feel so stupid. Even though Ive had therapy and watched all these videos, I was still telling myself “But I loved him and I know he loved me.” I finally see the ugly truth....like a lightning bolt. They loved my loyalty, my admiration, my love, my service. I can let go of my delusion once and for all.
They loved all the good characteristics of your person, so they could take advantage of them. Uck.
So true. She wants to know everything that happens in my life, but nothing about herself will be revealed.
One more truth is their love for possessing others things. They want to accumulate a lot without working for it. So by hook or crook, they end up taking our things right under our nose.
The yelling is spot on. When losing an argument and being knowing wrong, it was "you're yelling at me" to make themselves the victim. Often times it was anything to make myself look like an abuser whether it was in front of her son or other family members. The act of wanting to appear single but be in a relationship. The list goes on and on. I wish her help and healing to get into a better place. Such a beautiful woman just unhealthy on the inside. This time I am staying away.
"Problem-solving" for narcissists means destroying YOU.
Even a psycopathic narcissist knows when he went to far and that is the only time they show any remorse. Because their narcissistic supply is at stake.
This makes so much sense !
“Of course i love you. Why do you think you’re here “
Why do you think you're here? In retrospect, that's an eerie question. Dr. C
Rules for thee not for me, signed every narcissist
For them all is permitted and expected: for you there are rules, regulations and duties.
Inflexibility is their characteristics.
Their omnipotence is a posture to cover their fragilities.
Been married for 37 years. I always knew something was off, not quite right about him but never could put a name on it. After watching just 1 of your videos... I knew! I was already in transition to leave but, now I am without question I must leave. For my sanity! I am super worried he will do anything and everything to financially force me to come back. He knows financially I'm at a disadvantage. He also uses religion to his advantage. Always preaching to me. Right now he's in the making promises stage. Now I know it's all a lie to get me to stay. These videos are truly a god send.
Just keep moving forward Karen. I can't tell you how good I feel to get away from my narc. Though I still have to deal with her because of the kids, I feel like I have a new life. If possible, I would limit communication to only what's necessary. Don't go back, don't look back, just move forward.
D Shenk amen!!
Believe in yourself. Know yourself and don’t believe another’s opinion of you. Build your strength physically, eat meat and veg. No grains. Physical strength is good for the brain and body and spirit. Wish you good luck and happiness.
karen armendariz If he’s a narcissist, he’s not a true christian filled with the Holy Spirit. Both are incompatible. I had narcissistic traits before. But God changed me. He promised that He will turn our hearts of stone into hearts of flesh. So if this didnt come true in him, he’s not one of His and he doesn’t have anything to preach about to you.
Keep going
It is scary to recognise the focused predatorial instinct of the narcissist. How do they keep this up, I would be exhausted trying to maintain that game playing for even a morning.
andsail they have a lot of energy! It’s mind blowing how textbook they all are
andsail I tried one morning to treat my now ex husband how he treated me. He lost it. It was exhausting thinking of all the sarcastic jabs the emotional coldness. The tension. Ugh.
Then I was the bad guy for doing 2 hours of what he had done to me for years! His reasoning...wait for it...I KNEW what I was doing was hurtful. How in the world do you respond to that? He was mad at me for months over those 2 hours.
In the end I told him I needed him to understand how what he said and did caused me to feel about myself and our relationship. His response? That’s your choice to feel that way and what you did was wrong because he never intended to cause pain.
They really do have double standards.
Stately Rose total double standards. RUN
They're empty so they have to feed off the souls & energy of others.
Their focus is the quest to locate & connect to "supply" every single day... like a tick, where they can gorge on your life force while transmitting their poison to you via a vast array of confusing behavior & conflicting words designed to convince you that you are the problem.
It's either games or face the vast emptiness and self-loathing inside. The games are their way of survival.
When you embrace the fact that they're damaged it's easier to forgive them.
I agree!
Yes that was true for me as well. I even got mad thinking who did this to you? But I will always stay away
My husband won’t acknowledge the idea that there is something wrong with the way he treats me...He was treated badly by his father initially and then his mother when the father passed away early...A few hints from my husband about how he and his mother interacted has shed a light on why his behavior towards me has been very hurtful...He’s a covert narcissistic hiding behind his so called depression and acts out his frustration at not having a good enough self image...I think he’s been jealous of me all along and won’t let me rise to my potential for fear it shows him up...He has always tried to compete and won’t take any kind of suggestion from me...Certainly won’t take my advise on health issues even though I’m a nurse...Oh my I could write a book about how these past 21 years have gone...None of my family or his family would want to believe it...They see him as the victim because he’s so quiet and sweet...that’s not at all the way it is in our house behind closed doors...I figure the real victims of a narcissistic personality gets a double whammy...Nobody can understand how this covert narcissist works...He has weaponized ghosting me, dismissing me and denying me the truth when it’s just he and I, but in company, he is sooooo sweet I want to get sick when he turns on the charm...
Forgive yourself first!
The only known CURE is to get away from them...
I am no longer a supply for the X Narcissist. Glad he is gone. So done. Always on guard against new people entering my life because of it. I have become much more observant. The first whiff of it, I totally cut them off.
You're doing the right thing. Narcissists will destroy your emotional and physical health.
Scottie Hall thank you. And my X husband Narcissist of 20 years did just that and laughed all the way to the bank. Never again. Im not a victim anymore.
Dirty Joe True. I am much more observant for sure. I know I will never tolerate that in my life again. I know what a healthy relationship should be and will not settle for less. The only positive I got out that marriage was my child. And he is doing well now.
Orphan, unfortunately guarding yourself is something we must all do. Before doing so, I found myself attracting these people over and over. Now I'm somewhat leery of everyone until I think it safe to get to know them. It's sad I know 🙁
Orphan,,,,,, I am now 11 months no contact and happy as a clam. I am just like you= always on guard against new people in my life.
So I get rid of him/xNarc .....then meet a neighbor lady who betrayed our (just) friendship. Moral of the story: don't let your guard down with either male or female !
BAM!! Narcissistic condemnation and invalidation. That's just WHAT THEY DO. Thrown away in the same trash heap with the rest of his family. After 30 years. I am grateful to see the true nature of this sad, sad, destructive person.
Narcissistic condemnation and invalidation. That's just WHAT THEY DO. Well stated
@@ezrc9294 yeah one person I know that I cut communication with started to panic and it said meaning he but I will not address him as a human being I put condemnation on you I'm so sorry. I said no you didn't cuz I wouldn't receive it. What you did was dishonor me and spread lies or believe lies or made up lies to tell me other people were saying things about me to try to control me with your sick perverted mind I said I didn't want anymore I quit talking to you! They think they can control you with condemnation but not if you don't receive it they just want you to soak it up but I sent it back in Jesus name I'm free I'm Healed his blood protects me
Some narcs do apologize, and to such a "woe is me" extreme that they again make themselves a victim, to make you feel sorry for them. Then, as soon as all is done and you've moved on, they're straight back to being large and in charge... psychotic... There is no middle ground - it's one extreme or the other. They're either the big perfect boss, or the worthless good-for-nothing loser. And they jump back and forth between the two so fast that you can't even respond in an intelligent manner...
I know why momzilla never liked me. Since I was a kid, I was called “stubborn “. Makes sense now, I was rebellious against her unreasonableness and double standards. I’m a black sheep in her eyes 👀
The way my narc spins things around after the fact really makes my head spin and leaves me confused with nothing to say, I end up just leaving it alone.
Oh no I call her out as often as I get the chance. She gets angry but it doesn't last long because she needs me to listen to her bs. I'm glad I found Les Carter. God bless you sir, I'm learning a lot from you. Merry Christmas to you and your family and a very happy, healthy 2021. Live from 🇨🇦
It’s the ugly truth of my siblings, learned from my parents, They threw me to the wolves, I always knew my family was different, Finally I have an answer.......it was in front of me my whole life, I just never knew, never would have thought of narcissism, wasn’t even sure what that meant......I do now
Same situation for me. I ended up in therapy as a child .the thing is I knew so something was wrong with the family, my mother and sister mainly but couldn't work it out
Very same here but I've found that wolves were much more friendly, loving and trustworthy compared to my evil siblings, Psycho Bitch and The Little Prince.
Me as well only thing my evil family has gotten worse and to this day anything that goes wrong in anyones life i.e. divorce, illness, loss of job, poverty etc somehow they blame
me and I dont even communicate with any of them.
TamKo 9 I got the same. I mean if it rained somehow I caused it. Really crazy stuff. I would get phone calls from my dad who looking back only called me to rant about how I caused some problem in there life from 4 hours away. It could be an aunt arrested brothers medical problems sisters abusive relationship. Total out there stuff.
When I’d say I don’t know anything about xyz he would say oh you know, you know everything because that’s what you do.
I be all like what? A decade now of no-contact one thing I am certain of is it’s all still my fault. So the silence will continue.
@@statelyrose369 Darling, it is not your fault!!!!!!! You are a very worthwhile person and they are the ones who are the losers, because they don't and can't appreciate you. Be blessed.
I told my therapist years ago I felt very nervous and felt dirty when I made love with my husband and wondered why??? He told me because he was a. Cruel Father figure in your eyes and my role was a. Stupid 15 yr old step child. And it felt like insest!! YES,. My Dr was. Right!! Any others feel that way?
My ex girlfriend has all of these behaviors, she is really sick. It's sad.
They may be damaged but damn if they don’t destroy lives . Makes me sick just thinking I’ve wasted 27 years with such a hateful man
I'm sorry you're dealing with it in a spouse. I had a great spouse but since I've been in a nursing home I have dealt with a real selfish narcissist.
Oh my God, personal information! Hit the nail on the head! She asks me questions about my past: relationships, family and friends. I answer, trying to be honest and open, thinking she has a genuine interest in me. BOOM! Now they're weapons, to be pulled out of her quiver during every argument. Sigh. . . ☹
Very true, thank you. Free after 56 years.
Hughena da Silva : 53years, and counting...
God bless you and hooray!
They drain every ounce of energy I have. I’m tapped out. Beyond exhausted. Don’t know if I will ever have energy again honestly.
"I love you" = "I consider you to be a trophy worth polishing."
Well, I don't think I've ever received such a compliment! Thank you. Dr. C
A trophy worth being displayed in my trophy case.
My narcissist sister is the meta data collector . She has no problem with asking people she meets or has known for a long time very personal questions and she is very persistent. If and when her Target is not forthcoming with answering her interrogations then she goes into accusation mode ..keeping the accusations in her mind which are vain imaginations she uses to judge people .Those accusations come out through gossip later. I know these things because I have experienced it myself and I have witnessed her work on others. When she is asked even a simple question she clams up ,gives a very vague answer or tells the person asking it is none if their business.
"Sometimes you can cling to mythical thinking, hoping against all odds that the controller in your life will see the light and be what you want". SOOOO true. It's very hard to heal and get out of the mindset that "I just need to try harder and everything will be okay", or the N's anger, disappointment, etc is your fault because you were insufficient/deficient etc. The magical thinking is that if you double down on your efforts to be the person that the N wants or what the N claims makes them happy, the person who love bombed you into entering a relationship with them will return. Hard to accept that that's an unrealistic "magical thinking" perception but necessary to heal and move on. Ouch. Your videos help alot. I also appreciate the comments that people share because it helps reinforce that I am not alone, and that breaking free will be good.
I've accepted that the behavior cannot change, so I'm just engaging as little as possible.
It's a real blast to flip the game, and be as forceful as the narcissist - a narcissist who is confronted with force and cunning, looses it totally. When a narc is treated like he or she treats others, it gets really ugly, and the true self shows emidiately.
Thank you. These videos help me to forgive myself for not being able to get through to them and to help them. Eight years is a long time to struggle. If I knew then what I know now...
Me too honey...me too.
14 years here!
14 here too. And counting.
Consider yourself lucky to have gotten out at eight years.
@@Caracaraorangeberry so true. I'm 22 years in and hoping to get out in the next 2 years. Just waiting on my son to graduate!!
They always want to give a good impression, even if they are in an obvious mess. The bad thing is , that they always force you to think about that...because they are these contradicitions.
Re narcissist not being aware of how they come across or affect others:
If that were the problem, then, when made aware, they would learn different behavior. But the problem is that they just don’t care. When informed that they have done damage, they can literally say “ I don’t care” or “ that’s your problem. “ or other blame shifting tactics to avoid taking responsibility for their behavior. The horrible part is that they can very successfully convince the wounded party that there is something wrong with them that either justifies the N or puts the blame on the victim. Cognitive dissonance and confusion about ones own reality set in. Then the N feeds off that.
The problem is that the N is heartless.
I’ve grown to recognize that my husband is truly heartless...truly!!
Penelope Lambson The difficulty is, if it works for them, as it always does, there is never any incentive to reform.
June-marie Hamilton That’s it. They’re not in pain but we are. I’m starting to think that if they were truly traumatized repeatedly that might help them recover. I don’t know. It seems like some people are just born narcissistic. They’ll always be selfish.
Another one that impacts me badly is when the narcissist knows you have sensory issues ( autism ) and will completely disregard your needs, deliberately disorienting you by being loud, banging around, noisy music that doesn't align with what you can cope with, and then going for the kill, seeing your disoriented distress, and ramping it up by screaming at you and wanting to discuss my" issues. By that point I'm so nauseous anxious and my mind is incapable of pinning down the torrent of thoughts and input. Basically they set the scene to bring you down then stick the boot in, when you're completely incapable of defending yourself in a healthy manner... Que meltdown, shutdown. And for good measures your health takes a downward spiral too.
I always told my dad, " You are afraid of me doing something you cannot do so you create an argument about it and blame it on me." Amazingly, one day he admitted that! He said, "You know you are right!" I was dumb enough to think I made a breakthrough but of course he meant it like, "You are right, so what? What are you going to do about it? I will keep doing it." Very tricky!
One of your best videos. Thank you for sharing clarity.
Agree
I have found that everything beautiful and good in my life - the narcissists have tried to destroy. I'm absolutely and utterly exhausted and burnt out. A bone tired. A soul tired.
Your presentations are so informative and easy to listen to and understand. Thank you so much. I was getting to a point of really hating a narcissist , because of your work I am more inclined to look at them with pity but I accept I cannot help them and they can hurt me . So I protect myself by no contact. Thank you so much
Another great video, thanks so much for making these! So helpful. 👍
When they say they love you/like you they say it in a way that makes you feel you're special to them when in fact they say: *"hmm, let's see what you can and will do for me"*
Thank you very much for yet another accurate compilation of a narcissist's behaviour - again to the Tee which leaves me wondering who might've introduced my ex-husband to you Dr. Carter...😃
All the best to you!!
I recall one day, after I had started to figure things out, she was being nice to me. my very first thought was '"what do you want?"
@@kristend344
Yep, that's usually the reason for being nice on their part.
Take care!!
@@kristend344 I hate it when the narc will ask you "What do you want:? When you are being genuinely nice. I guess that's their projection of their own selfishness that's coming out of them when they say that.
@@kristend344 denial, shift blame, abuse, be nice, forgive, I love you, il be better, to accuse, assume, abuse, denial, etc etc etc it's a merry go round, in black&white il be nice to you because I want something from you & when I get it, il put you back on the merry go round
This is insanely accurate! You sir have an invaluable wisdom
It’s so easy to fool your self and so difficult to see the truth especially when you are so long in it. You know the truth but to weak to look at the ugly truth.
He is changing his game now I know the truth. Thanks for your videos!
He raises his voice 3 4 times in an hour sometimes yet he would not tolerate me treating him in the same crappy manner throwing jabs trying to start 5 fights at once then states I don't want to fight.
I will just not have any close personal relationships with any of these creatures. Thanks!
Creatures💯🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
You are better off.
I have a FEAR that I MIGHT be a narcissist. How do I quell that fear and know that I'm not?
Know the cleaner alternatives. I'll be posting a video soon about non-narcissistic traits. Actually the way you are thinking is not a bad thing. Dr. C
This man is telling you folks the honest truth about these people. They are totally disconnected from reality.
I am always wrong and never good enough for him. Married to a narc:(
I kept saying to him that I felt like he was keeping me around for a benefit to him.
My sister's last words to me, before I finally gave up trying to connect with her after 20 years: "Why can't you be more like me?" The word "me" spoken with nauseating emphasis.
She played her cards right there. Dr. C
These individuals are beyond damaged and repair in my humble opinion. I have crossed paths with a few. Mind blowing. It's best to walk away or run if you can lol, and don't 👀 back. Everything and anyone they come into close proximity with they will destroy. Great video. God Bless you for all this great information.
I do know over time - family & past friends are less tolerant of their behavior. Narcs as they age loose their audience because they never grow up. It’s like their stuck in a certain time period. Some at 2 years old, some as a teenager, some in high school. I’ve seen it all & it’s sad to watch but thankful I’m not them .
They love you like you're their favorite chair or some other object.
Yeah, maybe they can take a seat somewhere else. Dr. C
Thank you for taking the side of the victim instead of the bully in these unhappy unhealthy relationships. As a child, my sadistic abusive mother sent me to a psychotherapist who told her to hit me harder and more often to "teach your daughter her place in life." This psychotherapist labelled me, "a brat." (Is that diagnosis in the DSM?) She became my mother's co-abuser. It took me a long time to realize most psychotherapists are not like that.
My ex put a nail in my son’s tire because he didn’t say happy birthday to him. That was a nail in his coffin, with our relationship.
They Love when you put them first. Don't have plans through out Your day without them knowing all the details. So they can control what you do, and so you can agree to what they do for" what's BEST FOR YOU
Oh my! Point 2. Never have I heard such a salient point to sum up this particular trait of a narcissist. At first, they seemed so interested, wanted to know everything about me, what I wanted, what I believed in, what I knew etc etc. And foolishly, I mistakenly believed they were really interested in me. My bad. Really it was to file this data in their warped database so that they could retain and (at a later date) recall the info to throw it back at me. To make themselves look better or stronger by highlighting my weaknesses. For example, when sharing a story with them about why I felt I had been as equally responsible in the failure of my marriage as my husband, I was a) being truthful and b) acknowledging with hindsight my flaws. I was sharing openly and with no agenda. To have it launched back at me as ammo when the narc wanted to remind me how I had caused my marriage to fail, how even my husband had left me, how I wasn't perfect etc. Or when I told them about how I felt regret that as a teenager (many years ago) that I had been more respectful of my parents or listened to their advice, I got that thrown back at me as how I had been a terrible daughter, let my parents down, that I was a failure. None of which was true and neither my parents or I ever felt that. Only the narc. Who had never even witnessed my relationship with my parents. He just said it (and often) to highlight his moral superiority over me. The narcissist will only ever bring you down. It's their primary goal in life. To belittle and humiliate, to have control, to dominate, to gain power and strength at the expense of others. Avoid, avoid, avoid, they can bring nothing good to your life
I went through major abuse most of my life. I never plotted and planned to hurt people, because of my pain. The thing that makes me go through the roof, is ONE person screwed up my narcissistic husband/ mother,yet they name and destroy hundreds!!!!!
A good cure for a narcissist is a bullet in the back of the head. They are never going to change, just continue hurting, invalidating, using and abusing. They don't deserve respect or friendship.
This is why it is so hard to believe words these days. When someone loves us they don't have to say it, they act so kind and loving without having to try that their actions show is all the time. I have family members who asks lots of questions to have something to twist and hold against me. When he asks it seems phony, I can't trust him. He gossips and needs information to be able to use half truths. And, yes, this is absolutely true that they keep secrets. I notice they only brag about the good things and even embellish the good things more than what they are, but do not engage with us when we have good things. I tried many times to resolve something with some of these people and they absolutely refuse, even acting like I have done something wrong in wanting to talk about something. I think its because they are guilty and don't want to face it.
This is actually scarily accurate. My ex narcissist never used to ask me about my day or general questions which reflect genuine interest. What they did do sometimes was ask me to 'tell them a secret'. Looking back, I see that they were just trying to gather data to use against me.
"The narcissist is not just singling you out. You're just not that unique (I hate to tell you)." Funny or what? Les. Thank you for all lthe great info. It all resonates with the tricky people in my life, who happily have no place in my life anymore. I totally "greyrock" them.
My ex is a Malignant Narcissist! He tried to destroy my life by making false allegations in Family Court against me and my loved ones!! He failed but I’m still healing from all of the abuse.
Divorce from my narc what brutally expensive because she couldn't compromise on anything, nor would she take her lawyers advice, because, what does he know? Though I could never really win any arguments we had while married, it's actually quite satisfying to have the judge rule in your favor. Must be quite a shock to her system.