9 WAYS A NARCISSIST TRIES TO UNDERMINE YOUR CONFIDENCE
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- Опубліковано 23 кві 2019
- As you engage with a narcissist, how commonly have you asked: "Why does this person feel the need to take away my independent thinking?" Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter tackles this question by exposing how narcissists call your separate thoughts into question, then he explains how to stay out of that game.
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who lives in Dallas, Tx. In the past 39 years he has conducted over 60,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars.
Are you ready to break free from the controllers in your life? If so, sign up for Dr. Carters brand new course Free to Be HERE: survivingnarcissism.tv/go/fre...
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You lose your identity. Look closely at them, they will steal your strength and start acting like the confident strong person you started out being
I have experienced this first hand.Thank God He delivered me.
@@ssherman8609 Praise God. I truly believe these people are under demonic possession
@@dianem2136 Yes.
Yeah it feels like my ex sapped my sense of self and all the power in the dynamic and I went from the strong one protecting them to them being the strong oppressing the now weak me
@@Sentralkontrol Yes, you switch your identity.
Recovery Tips from the video:
1. Stay engaged with people who know the real you
2. Refuse to stay isolated
3. Learn about their behaviors
4. Recognize they are insecure and are afraid of your freedom
5. As you break away, learn how to trust yourself
Facts!! #5 is the hardest struggle after dealing with the soul sucker😫
Ursula Jones, you can find your inner strength if you don't stop looking for it 🙏
Trina thank you. I’m doing my damndest (if that’s a word lol). I know I Can Do it!! IM UP , READY, and PRESENT TO AHPW UP FOR ME ‼️‼️
Yes ..I fnd it to be very struggling as well for me.
Self love is vital ..we are beautiful and loving people ..
They are destructive predators
Thay hate our goodness and heart.
regrettably same as us, evidently all of them are victums of child abuse. in their case unlike us they havent been able to grow up beyond the mentality of a school child. have no maturity. it goes way back to the descended from monkees prank and further. for instance 1 in 5 convicts sent to australia were 10 year old boys. i mean who does that. is the question. seriuosly there are no winners in divorce. elvis did a song about it. "we gotta patch it up baby" jesus said it: suffer the children that come unto me. love is the answer. it's complicated. keep
It’s easy to say “try to be around people who treat you appropriately “, but if you were raised by a narcissist, you really don’t know that there is an appropriate way to be treated!
It got to the point where because everything I said or did was either ridiculed or questioned that eventually I gave up, because I had lost all confidence in myself. So then I was accused of not contributing to day to day matters. I couldn't win. I had to deal with that for nearly twenty years. Now divorced, it's taken nearly five years to rediscover who I was. Never again.
Paul Adams you just described me! And then you get attacked for not making the easy decisions.
Hugs
How do you get to that point of finding yourself again? I also had 20 years in. 2 out and still up and down. Terrified of even thinking of a relationship with anyone. Even at work I am so defensive over such simple things. That or hurt over the silliest of comments. I think back to my younger days before the relationship, I just am not that strong independent woman any longer. Lost her someplace...
Lydia Colton
True, it is all painful. It was a choice. Thought I could fix it all if only I was this or that or did this better.
Sharing custody with one is no walk in the park either. Learning to wash away what was and look forward not back. Can’t change the past, it already happened. I can shape tomorrow. One step at a time
@@jeantatar5441 you go girl! You've gotten out of the relationship and that's the biggest step in becoming a happier person! I have no idea what you've been through but I'm so proud of you. I seriously wish nothing but the best for you!
Eggshells... walking on eggshells!!! Nerve wracking!!
Yes, and I noticed that my Whole Body is permanently tensed up like a Fist...Even when I'm in bed, I'm unable to relax... Adult daughter did this to me...Am not allowed to speak, Ever... Constantly Shut Down, Cut Off from talking.
Carrie Red my body was telling me for a long time that he had to go! My heartbeat uncomfortably and I was tense all the time. I slept so badly. I kicked him out yesterday and I’m feeling better already xxx
crystal doran I was just saying this. I can’t have a thought or opinion of my own or I’ll suffer. He’ll talk, argue and scream at me til I say he’s right or see his way of thinking. He’s literally killing me by keeping my blood pressure and cortisol levels high. I’m trapped right now.
Carrie Red I’m so sorry. I’m going through the very same thing with my husband. It’s literally killing us.
@@DynamicBailey I know what I'm bout to say won't help at the moment, but hopefully one day you'll understand. When you make and follow through with the DECISION enough is enough, leave, and have no contact whatsoever, your feelings will catch up with that decision. As long as you think with your emotions and not make decisions it's hard to get out. TD Jake's sermons helped me. I pray that God will send you something or someone you can HEAR to strengthen you. I'll start by telling you, God loves YOU Bailey. And He is stronger than anything you fear. ☮️
I love the word brainwashing. It’s so true. That’s exactly what narcissist do to their victims. Thanks for the awesome video!
Google aka the CIA are #1 @ that technique 👌 🖖🦋 #enjoymars
Yep ! Brainwashers !! Hate those fuckers ! The male narcs are all bitches & sluts !!
It is true, it's awful
Yes they abuse you and then try to convince you and everyone else that you're the problem. Smh
I forgot to add that "You don't go to the Barbecue if you are the one on the menu".
Hahahah, that's great!!
Oh I Love this and Will be using it!! Thank You!
So awesome! Can I use it?
@@maryvanruyven6798 Yea
Sure
Go
For
It
Wow ! I liked that expression and will remember it . Thank you for sharing.
Then they ask you, "Why aren't you confident?"
They kick you in the shins and ask, "Why are you limping?" Dr. C
When I had to deal with my malignant narcissistic grandmother once she couldn't stand my lack of emotions or reactions, she slipped up and literally said you need brainwashing to see the "truth". Another time she said : give me a reaction!! It's sad but they're not excused cause they plan and do everything consciously to hurt others.
They occasionally tell on themselves. My dad once said 'i am only happy when others suffer' and another time he said 'something went wrong and you weren't there so I couldn't blame it on you'.
My thanks to everyone who watches Dr Carter's videos and make POSITIVE comments. My life is immersed in less than happy or positive people. I come here to pull myself out of the grunge and it is light and love from people who are being, or have been damaged by a narcissist. Feeling crazy and scared is no way to live. You guys are great, thank you so much for your positive words - there is hope. Thank you Dr Carter!
chinookvalley 💕💕
I wish you much wisdom and strength as you make your escape and your recovery.
I agree: this doctor has a lot of wisdom to share.
chinookvalley Thank you 🙏🥰
chinookvalley take care of yourself!
chinookvalley agree with your sentiments
I like the definition of brainwashing - you don't think it can happen to you, but yes, you stop being able to think independently. I was constantly checking with him to make sure I was "doing things right."
You start second guessing yourself 🤔 cuz they always criticize or shoot you down
It feels like you’re perpetually drowning- this is like a full breath of air- thank you
I had the worst cases of anxiety but I couldn't put a finger on it. It has all been revealed. My anxiety levels have been drastically reduced since leaving the narc.
OMG,in my 30s I returned to CC. I took a speech class. In one of my speeches I explained what depression and anxiety felt like. I used the example of your car going into a body of water. Windows would not go down, couldn't open doors the pocket of air became smaller and smaller. You don't drawn, you're are in that constant state of fear. All the other students were younger than me. I got a standing ovation
Normal partner : Hey, I feel that (__________) is a problem and we need to find a solution. I suggest (_________).
Narc partner: OH SO IT'S ALL MY FAULT! ? EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS ALL MY FAULT! [door slamming].
Normal partner: I'm trying to communicate in a healthy way my feelings about this so we can work together to make positive changes.
Narc partner: WELL NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT MY FEELINGS! NOTHING EVER CHANGES AROUND HERE! [door slamming]. I PAY ALL THE BILLS AROUND HERE AND EVERYONE DOES WHATEVER THEY WANT!
Nornal partner: I do go to work everyday just like you, and you do not pay all the bills by yourself.
(Fill in the blanks above with whatever subject that couples might discuss, it always goes this way, without any resolution of the problem. )
@God IS Love Well, the truth is, what he love most of is not paying the bill. The power & chaos are only his tool to cover up the real reason (not paying the bill). And he loves that tool because it works (others believe him, and turns against you). Of course he's not honest. Because if he's honest, he has to pay the bill.
Omg, my mother was doing this today. She can't accept any fault in any situation and turns herself into a victim "oh, I can't do anything right, it's all my fault..." So tired of it. I would love to go no contact, but feel too guilty. And maybe I don't want to give up on her.
@God IS Love Oooh, that's exactly what they do. There were 2 occasions with 2 different people where I rent a room in Kelowna, Canada. The first check they didn't cash in right away. They acted like they were rich & don't need money.
When they tried to get rid of me (despite I already paid everything, hey, I don't mind to leave, but give me my money baack), but want to keep the cash, before I had my suspicion, they cashed in first, before they commit the rage.
So it is a planned & calculative action, baby. They know "when" I am not suspicious, and "when" I become more suspicious.
@@susanbrown6115 Have you ever tried mimicking technique? That means, wear your mask & PRETEND to be very nice to her. Keep doing that patiently, until her mask falls of, and you feel guilty no more.
For example, in your case, play victim yourself. Pretend to be more tired than her, and say, "Oooh, I am more tired than you, you always try to blame me, poor me". Like a pity party competition contest. Normally they can't stand it and their masks fall off.
@God IS Love They deliberately ignore you, so you won't get certainty. But at the same time they do not want to get caught of being evil, so you won't target them.
It is an attack, but you don't know who the attacker is.
The constant nit picking can not only cause you to question yourself... it takes a toll on your health. I am in a perpetual state of fear and want to get out desperately before my health is irreversible.
GO, go now! Save yourself and godspeed.
LOL!
I had 3 panic attacks and a complete mental breakdown in our 10 month relationship. When I reclaimed my life, friends,interests and confidence he would cause fights and threatened breaking up. The last fight he broke up with me, when I went to return his shit he was smiling at the door waiting for my emphatic self to give a sweet goodbye. I dropped his things and left when he was in mid-sentence. Blocked him everywhere! When the fog lifts you realize YOU were always the prize. Good luck survivors ♥️
Are you out of it now? How are you?
They believe they should be the one “correcting” everyone & everythang but funny how they can’t take correction themselves or they will go off in a rage and/or give you the silent treatment..
Hear you, sister! Preach it!
Also if there’s someone or something you don’t like, the narcissist will like those things or people just to have you react.
Remember and use your gut influence. When I didn't it always cost me big. Good luck Ladies and gentlemen.
Sherri M same 😭😭
Me too.
It was the most devastating experience in my life, caused by not listening to my gut feeling 😓🤯🤪🤕
pjhoyer In the 90’s I met a man online. He was a total con man, sociopath. I never knew such evil men existed! When I met him in person I can remember the exact word my “gut” told me.....SLIMY! But, I in my naiveness, totally ignored my gut and went ahead...to the loss of much money, and the heartache of being TAKEN. 😞
@@victoriayork9608 in my case it was a woman, otherwise same story. Furthermore I have realized, it's definitely not gender related one has to be aware the signs. The pain and sorrow related to the abuse is, in my view, also equal. And as you say I never thought such cruelty is possible. Actually I can't see at the moment that my trust in humanity will fully recover after what this/those women have done. Wishing you all the best ✨ 🌺🦄🦄🦄
Dr. Carter, your videos are always spot on. For so long I thought that I was the problem, but I identify with probably 99% of everything that you say and I can now see how all of the pieces of the puzzle fit together. You’ve helped me to regain strength that I thought was lost and I cannot thank you enough. ❤️🙏
The same happened to me...he has helped me a lot. God bless Dr. Carter!!
Thank you Dr. For taking the time to post these videos they are truly accurate. The videos are h3lping me to break free and become whole again after the trauma and isolation.
I'm in complete agreement with y'all!! 💯💯💯
@@JubileeTCI Dr C is my food that gives me my daily strength. ❤❤❤ Thank you isn't enough
I saw a guy wearing a Tshirt that said "It's not me. It's you." while I was recovering from this garage. It all fell into place.
It is like you have been hiding in my house for the past 10 years..... spooky
Everytime I open my closet....
Haha
I was in a relationship like this for 10 years. You can move on and you'll start to feel like yourself again.
justsayin stuff I’m going through the same thing but I feel so much better and in peace
There blood sucking mosquitoes
So it boils down to 'The Narc is wonderful,' and 'You are hopeless."
Then they project they have so much to offer
but you have to do something to EARN what they have to offer.
Wow! We know the same person!
"Maybe that's ok but let me tell you how it really is" - LOL
I love the way you explain how these individuals think.
Yes they are such twisted souls. Total misery when your in the clutches.
My ex narc would say my friend of 20 years isn't a friend, But her friends were the best. Full of criticism and very arrogant. Her way was always best. Run for the hills with the narcissist, they will destroy you.
No. 7 is the worst. When dealing with problems, be they real or imagined, narcissistic people will almost always point their finger in your direction. If you Couple that with a pathological behavior, their goal becomes unending. This wears most people down. I think their pathological approach of constantly chipping away your confidence can be effective for them and will "brain-wash" you. You may be able to fight em off a couple times, but you will be constantly re-fighting those same battles, again and again. It's pure misery.
Yes it is.....GET OUT !!!!!
Eric James so true, the misery never ends !
If you cant leave, moderate narcissist can be 'beaten'. If you dont take their bait they eventually move on to other people, although this takes a lot of strength and constant vigilance.
These videos ..along with therapy and a strong prayer life and faith life...healing will come! It comes slowly but every month..I see MYSELF as MYSELF!
This was my mother, you described. At the age of 20, I was so brainwashed, I did have no confidence in myself, whatsoever. I have seen myself, as a constant burden/nuisance to others, that I came to the conclusion, it would be better for all others and myself to commit suicide. I did not try to kill myself, as I still had a tiny hope to maybe change into someone better. It took me years to realize, what was going on with her and her vile, hideous way to manipulate and torture others.
I’m more than 20 years no contact with my venomous mother and life is wonderful. God bless you Sweetheart. Love from Australia 🇦🇺
Same here, my father had me thinking I was a complete idiot. Several years since i confronted him on it, he didnt change in the slightest but I stopped taking in all the garbage from it. I see him as failed broken individual and I usually think of him by his first name rather than 'dad'.
Hello Mira, that is so sad, the world has enough people in it who love causing such
hard feelings, who'dever think Mom would be the ringleader of such hurt and evil feelings? no empathy or truth, if not evil, damn close to it. I hope you are doing
better, it does hurt of course it does, having been like that to everyone I am sure,
I don't think the last of her years will be good for her, She is going to get paid back
by means of Karma, one reaps what they sow, they will get older and nastier and
will not be able to get the supply they need.
This is very encouraging to those of us who have encountered all these things!
☝
Nice to know we not alone and not stupid after all .
yes being married to a narc for 40 years, it happens so slowly you don't even notice it, and before you do it's already too late, they change you so much that, it's ingrained, to do there bidding so to say, good or bad .they have total control .sad thing is they don't really love or care about you only themselves, like the tired horse, they beat you to death to fill their agenda.
They truly don't care or love anyone else. Self absorbed and always seeking a source of narcissist supply. They have no ability to truly love which requires empathy, respect and consideration for another person. It's all fluffy words to get a person to do their bidding: secure the supply. Their goal is to extract as much as possible. Physical, emotional and financial. Leaving the victim exhausted and demoralized. This is their "high". Your slow disintegration into nothing is their goal. They want to consume your goodness and take take take.... very twisted reality.
lost myself , finding my way back. Isolating a real thing
Bless you, Dr Carter. I'm 62 and recognizing, as if for the first time, the depth of the wound from family narcissism. Thankyou for helping me, again, appreciate my struggles, the strengths that have come from it, and the compassion to get my life glowing again. Thankyou.
I'm 60! Hello!
Yes I have finally figured out about the narcissistic abuse through out my life now that I am 62 and got out my last marriage but then ended up living with my narcissistic step father 😳not realizing what he was until I started living with him even though I knew that there was something wrong with him and that I’ve never liked being around him I wasn’t close enough to know what it was and didn’t know about the personality disorder until recently so now I’m “stuck here “with practically nothing and no one to talk to about it as he has triangulated my family and every body now thinks that I’m the “bad”one
Plus the fact that at my age it is a little embarrassing to have “nothing “ now no car ,money, even though I know it is my fault that I am here . It is no better than living with the husband that I just left and even in another State now 😳🤦🏻♀️
@ Jane Smith thank you so very much for your comment it is very comforting at this time and I very much appreciate your thoughtfulness and compassion ❤️it was very encouraging and made my day!!! I am used to being alone but it’s so nice when you aren’t sometimes 🤗 I hope you are well and thriving 🙏🏻I’m glad that I commented❤️
@Jane Smith I am so sorry about your son I’m sure it will get better for you ,I will pray for you also as I miss my son he is in another state, try to keep your spirits up❤️
I just wish there were some way one could get people like this to realize that they miss out on so much of the beauty of life, that beauty being the incredible feeling we get when we empower others, rather than always trying to power over and belittle others ..
That's exactly what they want us to believe...So we can stay in their grasp trying. Freedom comes when we release them.
LostHorizon52 aka Debbie, You are so completely right on. My mother was so browbeaten down all her married life by our narc father. She was born in 1919, so maybe that means something, but I said to myself when I was ten, I'll never try to manipulate her - only value and love the gentle sweet person she is. Fast forward to the last few days of her life, at age 98. She says to me, "I needed you. You were the only one in the family who I could really depend on and trust." We became closer and I think both of us understood a deep bond that the rest of the family doesn't understand. The night she died, she whispered to me, "And the greatest of these is love."
@@notagain779 Beautiful, my friend .. the power of love, nothing else like it in the whole universe .. the power of helping another become whole again .. anyone can destroy, but few can empower ❤️❤️
@@notagain779 and she is absolutely right! Love never ends
Well said
110% spot on regarding your "mistakes"...i was saying or doing something wrong on a daily basis. I was totally drained, exhausted and brainwashed for 6 long years!!
Hoth 100 try 20!
I have been exhausted for 24 years! Now, I am breaking away from the Narcissist.
Thank you Dr Carter. After my father died I got some counselling. At the start I felt so disloyal talking about what my father had put his wife and family through. That brainwashing goes so deep: it's a mountain to overcome.
I feel like I have been in a cult most of my life. Little to no-contact and self-care is now I de-program myself from the narc's "brainwashing" messages. I win!
You nailed every aspect of that turd I've spent my life around. You're amazing. And I've graduated from his clutches.
im so happy for! you. wish i could do the same
you can ! Understanding narcs is the first step.
*Brain washing-forced conformity*
1. Remove u from most influential pple in ur life.
2. Minimize their negatives. Speakers of themselves idwalised
3. Minimise ur positive
4. They ve to b the final authority..always ve to right
5. Persuasion or promises.... not true
6. Focus heavily of ur mistakes.. words of shame.
7. Endless reminder of their supremacy
8. Nit-picking on all small mistakes.
9. Perpetual state of fear.
Keep u mind
1. Stay angaged with close associates. Hang around
2. See behind the narcissist - they r very insecure
3. As u Break away u may feel inadquate effects of narcissist. B ur own separate person.
Sounds like my mother inlaw haha and a few others I have known. My days of people pleasing are over
Many thanks, Elizabeth. Typing all the main points is so helpful for recapping. Very nice of you to go to all that trouble. Much appreciated.
I lived with a narcissist for 45 years; finally divorced him and remarried; my second husband was the exact opposite; he was respectful, praised me, allowed me to be myself. Unfortunately he died 6 months after we got married. Being lonely and grieving for my second husband I allowed my first husband back into my life; what a mistake that was! After a year of dealing with his controlling, I changed the locks on my door, stopped taking his calls, and when he came by the other day, I would not answer the door. He is too toxic and I cannot allow him to control me anymore; should have never allowed him back into my life in the first place. Thank you for these videos
Be strong Judy
Wow... take care!!
Really enjoy your videos I have learned so much. Thanks.
My experience with a narcissist played an important part in my spiritual journey. Surviving Narcissism assisted in my understanding narcissism, my validation, and ultimately my healing. Can’t thank the narcissist and this channel enough! With gratitude 🙏🏽
👌❤️😎
I get it! ME TOO! GOD took what was intended for evil and made it for GOOD! AMEN!
You are so right. When my Narc Sister had me thinking that I was crazy, I had to stop & look at myself in the mirror and realize that God made me this way on purpose and that he loves me just the way I am and that there is nothing wrong with the way that I am
He tried to cause issues with my family and friends ..he even accused 1 of flirting and being too friendly with him!! I'd known him a year, her 17 years..says it all. Pure nastiness and literally no reasoning with them regarding anything. So happy to be free of him. It's been a tough road but I am finally seeing the light.
My ex used to say. Your lost without me
Proverbs 6 16:19 - 7 things God hates:
... a false witness who pours out lies
7. and a person who stirs up conflict in the community.
Good on you for being able to recover.
God will deal with him eventually.
“During my time with this person I’ve lost sight of who I am..”
“Yeah that’s kind of my game plan.”
This exchange was so help full for me, talk about a light bulb going off
Yup, Totally isolated from my family, but not his...
Whuuuuuu?! My family isolated me from everyone else Hahahaha. Rather my mother and everyone followed suit.
It seems strange that narcissists can form groupings of eachother to bring others in just because they are so degenerate themselves. Oh well. Everyone has the tendency. Church is one such group. Break the rules and their supremacy comes out.
This is really helping with my PTSD, whenever Im feeling guilty for what he says Im doing to him, I watch your vids & regain control over MY life. Re- inforce who I am, what I want... making him responsible for who he
is. He will never see it that way, but the world around him does. So natch in his eyes...
'I'm to blame for all HIS problems & HIS tale of woe.."
I'd love to say I walked away strong...but truth is:
1) I ran away doing the silent scream!
2) I walked away,
3) I have profound moments of weakness
But I'm working on that!
4) no amount of missing him would make me live under the same roof again with him,
5) Its a slow but getting stronger road ahead, one day at a time!
6) your wisdom is helping immensly to keep me from
7) looking thru rose colored glasses.
8) moving forward..
9) many thanks!
I first caught onto the brainwashing concept and the idea I had experiencwd this in a wonderful book called Combatting Cult Mind Control. Changed my life. It was hard to take. I am enjoying your accurate and down-to-earth way of explaining this difficult concept.
Dr. Carter, you have described my ex to the T!!! That is insane that clearly all of those individuals try the same tactics.
It’s true though! It’s like he is describing my ex and all of you are telling MY story...creepy!
Completely accurate description--it's devastating and I have to get away.
GO FOR IT !!!!! DO IT...DO IT...DO IT !!!!
Setting boundaries - with no contact gave me room to breathe.
I left.
What happens when the narcissist loses? In other words, if they lose a custody battle as a result of their abusive narcissism or they get fired from their job because of their abusive sabotaging tactics do they even realize they are the one with the issues?
I have found so much value in your videos. I am dealing with a covert narcissist who is "spiritual". She loves to tout her "wisdom" and talk about how admired she is. Outsiders seem to really admire her until they've lived closely with her and witness her selfishness. However as family we struggle with her constant self-adoration, self-absorption, entitlement, jealousy, constant complaining, and passive-aggressive behavior. She feels the need to teach everyone her "wisdom" while never being able to self-reflect on her very non-spiritual behavior. I would love to hear your thoughts on this type of narcissist.
I can relate, I've experienced this in my family who raised me as a Christian, AND in groups who are more "spiritual" minded vs. only Christian minded. It sure is difficult to navigate at times.
Traci..Believe in yourself, and take the time to set healthy boundaries for your own self protection. Be an example. That is all you can do. Love this channel and can’t wait to see if Gus makes an appearance.
I have a narcissist covert landlord that I have treated like family for years. Now that I am renting from him, I finally SEE what his fricken issue is! Smh. Guess I am slow! I was married to an abusive overt Narcissist and thought I had learned and recovered only to uncover the covert landlord!!! Maddening. With that said I got a quick handle on him and am able to shut him down to where he leaves me the F' alone to a large degree! He is afraid once I finally move out he will be completely cut out of my life. He is right. He is trying to hang on because he is older and he has run everybody out his life. This is what Narcissists do!!! In the end when they begin aging they end up totally alone. They loose. Karma can be an ugly thing! In the end we survivors win. The best revenge you can have is cut them out of your life and be happy, while the narcissist sits at home angry and stuck like chuck in yesteryear!
@O F F L I N E When I first read your words I was offended. Then I started to smile and agree. I don't do social media for this very reason.
I had to double check who you were...Thought you were talking about my mother.
being a victim of narcisistic abuse myself over sometime, I feel like I almost turned into one... may God deliver me and thanks for these great video
Me too in a sense of staying silent because the more I would talk and speak truths. The more days or sometimes the weeks of fighting would go. Ten years for me. I am still confused. Shes been gone for 2 yesrs and still brings confusion and doubt upon myself. Its literally insane. She packed up our house, moved to our rental property, blames that on me when I was out of town working, but I was piece of crap that chose work over his family, then filed for divorce. When the thousands of times she screamed divorce then one day I said do it if that's what it needs to be. Its all my fault. Ive chosen work, a house, my family( mom and siblings) over her and my kids. It's literally a emotional control situation that no one should have to go through.
@@jaredknight1627 my heart goes out to you. Hang in there-it has taken me eight years to recover from a seven-year relationship with a narcissist and I still have a way to go! But every day that I get further away from that experience is a victory.
My mom used to say "I have to remind you of your mistakes because no one alse will"
It’s time for a video on how to get your identity that was taken from you back.
I agree! Its sooo hard!
Breaking free from a narcissist is really hard to do, and would be easier if we could get our identity back first so that we can feel strong enough to pull the plug. I have been thoroughly brainwashed to the point that I can't make decisions and can't even picture a life of freedom. I just know that I can't bounce back any more and something's gotta give!
You start filling your life with things that make YOU happy. You are not the "entertainment committee". If they;re not happy about it, it's not your problem. I've learned to walk away from confrontations. That really pisses them off..
Signal 7 Outdoors yes tell the narc to F off and walk away. Simply be done by all means. No tractor beam. No umbilical cord. No codependency. Take time to be free to be you, really, take time. Nobody owes anybody anything. Knowledge and time build strength and self respect.
that sentence " getting your identity back" is like saying regaining your soul back.
I'm convinced it's equalized to it
i left my narcissist ex last night he tried to act like he is the only one i can ever have all i do is wrong he is always right and he says he will take care of me and just pure craziness. Good riddens i was only with him for 10 months. He acts as if he is all I can ever have. HE IS DEAD WRONG!!!
Your videos are so accurate and helpful - it's almost painful and cringe-worthy to acknowledge their truths! Many thanks, again, for these.
It's crazy to think that there are so many narcs in the world. It's like they are half the population...
It's Earth shattering to realize this is real life
And what is happening isn't made up but very real
Narcissists are Sad, Pathetic little creatures.
We are Good people, Narcissists Never can be, sadly the eventual Truth is, the Very best we can do it going No Contact. Stop the fuel pump. Cut off their supply. Thank you Doctor. You lend Fantastic advice on these videos.
i wish i had seen this video before a relationship i had. would of saved me a lot of wasted time, money, and grief.
i've been raised by single narcissistic father, and he did this everytime. even when i sit with a confidence it was bugging him i remember
BrownGirlLove1
i'm sorry for you, hope you'll be okay
the last thing you said is particularly important. same think happened to me. i've got two narc friends, i cutted loose one. i'm seeing other one still, for some reason.
and there is a thing; narcs always trying to be friend with me, we should be careful about that. it is not like we are ending up with them, it is like they sense that we are sensitive and less powerfull to fend for ourselves...
My red flags are so big that I'm almost too leery of befriending a cat!! Seriously. I'm so fed up with deceptacons and el destructos as i call them. It wouldn't take a lot to be a monk in some remote village in an even more remote location.
I didn't think I could ever be brainwashed,it happened without me even realizing it. It's taking me a long time to get unbrainwashed but I have his number now & it won't happen again.
@@robertruge2916 I'm trying. I should never say never either., that's me tricking myself!!
Dr. Carter, your videos are like some sort of martial arts training classes for psychological defense against narcissists. Thank you.
Ended a two-year relationship with a narc 3 months ago, thank God I woke up. He was slowly doing exactly what Les has said. First I was love-bombed for 1 year, so it was hard to notice what he was really like. then it ended. The nit-picking started, putting me down, correcting my sentences, criticism, telling me how to handle my adult sons, how I drive my car, what I wear, I should dress sexier, show clevage. (I'm a fit middle-aged woman). He couldn't admit fault, he was always right, superior, I was inferior, cheated on me more than once, found fault with every friend and contractor I had do work on my house, the narc could do it better. He created very bad anxiety, I questioned who I was as he was tearing apart my self-confidence. (I'm a successful business woman). He had no friends. Shocking!! Les, thank you for validating this. I've been so relaxed since I broke up with him, getting my old self back and going like gangbusters planning my future and doing what I love. Les: I've watched more than 10 of your videos-amazing!!
My approach to my narcissistic mother is that I’ve informed her that she can be in control, “misunderstood”, manipulative, and play saboteur - over there at her house. It is when she attempts those things with me, where I live and work - that she’s going to smack into a very hard wall that will strike back and that I will, indeed, make it consequential enough for her to reconsider.
John Narayan no, you can’t change a narc. I already know I can’t change how she thinks, what she feels and her self-destructive behavior. What I can change is how that affects me as, I’m more target than victim.
John Narayan corrected. WTH was I even saying? Must’ve been distracted. But, you get my gist.
To an extent, I am a victim by familial association, but that’s it. Fortunately, I don’t live with my family and although I live 15 minutes from my mother, I haven’t seen her in over a year. She calls me, but not incessantly. We often argue, but I do my best to trim up the time and energy she takes. I often don’t even return calls because time’s up and there’s future planning that I have to make time for in my life.
I have a motto. “I’m in my life, as well.” What this means is that while I don’t entirely shut people out, even if they’re not narcissistic, I’m well aware that people will run you out of your own life, if you allow them to. They can make it so there’s no corner of your life to run and hide. No solace. No peace. When there’s no peace for me, there’s no peace for the other person/people as, I will see to that. So, best to avoid it altogether.
He waxes, I wane. From shining my light I must refrain. His rage he can not contain. Ever shrinking from his distain. He waxes , I wane.
Narcissism seems like spirit in sevice of fear rather than love. (I actually heard that as the description of the ego.)
We are taught to respect our elders and never question authority. It is not pleasant if you do. Because it is in God's order that we obey him first then the preacher then the eldersand overseers... and me basically being the newest person to join for years was referred to as a child a baby who makes a mess in a his chair. Because I did not know how to interpret the Bible as they did. So many things now that I can see it clearly. Thank you again for this help. 💖🙏🕊
My narcissistic ex husband was and still tries to control , brainwash, and manipulate my children . It’s such a challenge for me to try to teach them to be independent of his bad influence on them
He told me I was too strong headed, a fault in his mind, a strength I now realize, no matter what he did, I wasn't going low to meet him, and he was too weak/scared/insecure to come higher to my level. So he had to find someone he thinks is on his or beneath, she's not, of course. She just doesn't realize who he is yet, like I didn't.
Watching this made me realize I've spent my whole life dealing with narcissist😭😭 its frightening now that I've realized it
I was raised by a narcissist, my mom. I'm still recuperating, and dealing with the consequences of it. She coerced me into marrying my first husband, who turned out to be narcissistic and abusive.
My ex narc told me that me having a great job, looking healthy, and being confident "makes him crazy." Yeah, it's called I took my life back and refound myself after he abandoned me for the last time.
My mother is a narc. I feel like i want to vomit when i am around her. She causes me so much anxiety. Now, she has moved in with me.
God help me!!
Mine 2❤️❤️❤️
Oh no..please don't do this !
Badgering over and over to get you to agree with them till you don't even know what you think. I lost who I was but I'm on my way to back.
A "friend" of mine fits these characteristics to a tee. She discarded me earlier this year and I went no contact after 20 years of this behavior and I feel so relieved!
47 yrs old & worked this out a year ago , NO CONTACT,, they are evil , be strong and get away if you can and never engage with them. The damage they do is immeasurable and unfortunate to say the least. God bless all the survivors & best of luck stay strong.
I remember going to the laundromat together and when I put three quarters in the dryer as we all know to keep it ongoing longer. NH got mad and said why did you do that?? Your wasting money! Until another woman explained the exact thing I did and to him it all made sense. He would compliment other people all the time about the very things I was doing getting compliments from others.
Yup.
I have OFTEN felt like I lost my own identity in my relationships. This problem is exacerbated by my empathic tendencies.
Overall...I look for the "It's my way, or the highway" attitude. That's my quick, "reader's digest" clue...
You are amazing! You are speaking right to me. This gives me courage and validation. And I’m gonna buy me that boat!!!!
Do it girl! . My narc knows how much I love to go. He has two of his own boats but always has control because in his mind they are "his" and it's his call when we go. Screw that! I bought my own nothing fancy he never saw it coming...I've been around boats all my life and am totally capable. It's given me so much pleasure. I'm a simple girl and love to fish. I cope so much better with his asshole ways now. Being on the water will heal you within....
Me too
#8) The nit-picking, YES! Ugh!!
This makes me nauseous listening to this. I'm realizing how much manipulation has occurred. As I watch this I received a text, "Hope you're having a great day". Lets see what todays special request is going to be.
I wonder if I will ever get over the narc abuse. 😞
I'll bet you are a kind person - the lesson is to be that kind _to YOURSELF_ . You can break that old "training" ... God bless
Yes you can but it takes a while. I watch these videos and relate to them. But before that I prayed to God to help me clean my heart and have right thinking. I began to see how it had changed me 40 years of it. I asked God to help me be the person he meant for me to be. He has gently and lovingly allowed me to see how my behavior has changed because of it. And also that I had become angry and afraid of everything. And everything I did was to be sure that I covered all my bases to try to stop the nitpicking. I don't need to do that anymore. I can be at peace and joy in the Lord who loves me just the way I am. I can have peace and joy in the midst of the storm. I've learned that the only one that is trustworthy is God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. He knows me better than I know myself. I hope you find this helpful and if you need to ask any questions just text me at conndapierce12@ gmail.com
Absolutely! I am forever grateful for my maternal grandfather whom protected me from his narcissistic daughter and her husband( my parents )! Very challenging and survived! Still surviving! Thank you!😘😎😇❤☘🔥
I often feel so tired tired TIRED of this situation. I often think why did this happen to me. Im tired dealing with it. I don't know what to do. Why did I have to meet this person.
My narc husband had 2 heart attacks, I'm a nurse, now I feel like I have to stay to help him. I just want it to be over.
Sounds like the narc I used to deal with. She always thinks that she's right and I am wrong. I begin to have feelings of hatred towards her.
Shaming and invalidation hurts the most reminders....
I’ve talked to my fair share of counselors about the narcissist in our family, and not 1 knew how to help me understand the insanity of a narcs actions and self preservation skills. Thanks for helping us make sense of what’s happening.
Thank you so much for your videos. I find myself feeling waves of relief to have someone not only describe the confusion, but to encourage living apart from the confusion and on your own terms, and not the narcissist's. This is very hard when you're not used to it.
Dr. C. You are so correct Sir 👍👊🤞. My entire life was being controlled. Getting to know my true self again, not who they want me to be. No longer brainwashed.
This describes a woman I had a relationship with. She was so controlling of my every move and thought. She would pick out my clothes and she would buy all my clothes, she detested my brother who I was very close to. Eventually I told her I was going to leave her. She reacted with hysterics and told me I was being stupid and that I’d never get anyone as good as her. I began to lose my resolve. She said. ‘let’s try again’. So I did and about four weeks later she came to me with a pregnancy tester and told me she may be pregnant. I couldn’t believe it, we took the test and we waited to see if a a pink line would appear the instruction said it would take at least a minute and up to five before you got a result. The line went pink within Ten seconds! I could not believe she had played me like that. I stayed until my daughter was 2 3/4. Then I left. Gillian didn’t have a nurturing bone in her body. I was determined that she breast feed the baby (Rachel). Which she did did before she went back to work, which she did three weeks after Rachel’s birth. Then she used a breast pump and expressed her own milk for me to feed Rachel. I became Rachel’s full time carer, which I enjoyed, but I got such a lot of abuse for pushing a stroller around the high street. I taught her to speak. Her first word was ‘Daddy’.The reason I that I hadn’t gone bask to work and Gillian had was because she was chasing a promotion.and she thought of my work as unimportant. When I left I went to Australia where I have dual citizenship. I stayed there for about three years, that was not my intention but I phoned Gillian and asked her to give Rachel the phone so I could wish her a happy birthday. Gillian said no. Every time I phoned and asked to speak to Rachel she said no. So I stayed away longer. When I got back I discovered that she had told my daughter I was a dangerous man who stabbed people and was probably going to kidnap her! I even heard that she’d been told that I hated Barbie dolls and would throw all of her Barbies away. So my daughter was now terrified of me. I went and got a lawyer and asked him to start a procedure against Gillian for me to have visitation rights. She just ignored the letter. It was then that I knew that any legal proceedings would be fraught and terrifying for Rachel. I hated Gillian for getting pregnant as a means of keeping me and I detested her for what she had done to the relationship I had with my daughter. I decided not to fight the legal route. If Rachel ever wants to see me and make her own mind up about me I’m here. I don’t think she will. I’ve been told she’s a carbon copy of her mother. It didn’t have to be that way and that’s what hurts the most, is that my daughter has been exposed to narcissistic psychopathology from nearly three years of age onwards. I’m sure she is exactly like her mother.
I'm sorry. I hope you heal and your daughter will see the light some day
I love these videos but my issue is having been raised by two of them. I didn’t have the luxury of “escape”. I suffer from severe CPTSD. Would love to hear more about the children of, rather than partners with. If these type of videos exist please point me in the right direction.
I would like to see that as well. I only had one narcissistic parent (mother. Father was weak and silent with her, and only stood up to her once on my behalf), and can’t imagine what it would be like to grow up with both parents being narcissists. I would also like to see a video about how that affects a child and causes lifelong emotional problems, and how one can overcome that and grow into emotional maturity.
BeGood4000 has a lot of videos on the topic of narcissistic parents and the ways they humiliate you, etc. His voice is annoying, but there's lots of good info.
Jerry Wise has a short series of vids on 'adult children of narcs', talks about the damage done and how to recover.
Dr. C. is great, also listen to Diane Langberg on CPTSD
You nailed it right out of the gate! I’m 54 and I’m still recovering from the narcissist mother thing... I’m an artist, you can only imagine how she acted....she was really off the latch. It was always her way or the highway... And you’re so right, Doc! She even tried to pick and choose my friends when I was a kid in school.
I am lost in a marraige with an alcoholic Narcissist. My family has all passed away. I am isolated & alone. In 10 years he has broken me. I have no hope.
Yes Dr Carter. You nailed it today. I've spent 9.5 years with a complete and total narcissist. He has cost me everything I have. Takes so much pleasure in being mean to others. Noone is right except them. They are DEEPLY ANGRY AT THE WORLD. No one does it better than .....you know who ??? A narcissist. To all the brave people out there. Steer clear and listen to Dr Carter. I've lost two husbands to death. Divorcing a narcissist is nearly impossible!!!
5 months of zero contact. I'm happier, healthier, and stronger. Your videos brought clarity and reality back into my head after 9 years of constant narcissistic abuse. I can't even begin to thank you for your work, you pulled me out of the gallows to see that the sun is always rising. Thanks Doc!
Thanks Doctor Carter again. The message of brainwashing resonates with my experience. It’s interesting to me how I, upon looking back, had doubts about what I was seeing and hearing because the messages, carefully crafted for gaslighting and obfuscation, were difficult for me to articulate as such. I spent a lot of time questioning myself and what I know to be true. This is exhausting and deprived me of sleep and time cultivating healthy relationships as well as blunting enjoyable activities such as being outside and being curious about others. Isolation is a powerful weapon in and of itself. Coupled with mischaracterization of facts I could spend all day trying to convey my thinking and rationale all to no avail.
Yes, feeling crazy and scared is no way to live. I’ve been married for 53 years with untold medical and mental counseling, these things and religion have saved my life, both physically and mentally. The pieces of the puzzle are finally coming together. Thank You.
Dr. Carter, you just described my 4-1/2 year marriage. I almost didn't survive. I never remarried. I couldn't risk getting myself back into a situation like that. I'm now 76 years old and, since discovering and watching your videos two months ago, am now realizing how I unknowingly let him ruin and waste my life. I always thought it was my doing. To quote an old adage ... I wish I had known then what I know now, but for me, it's too late to have the loving husband and children that I wanted. You can't know the magnitude of the good you're doing with these videos. God bless you. --Jae
God bless you for the post. I fear I will never love again but I will try and won't let her win.
@@cfrdog You're welcome. I hope that reading my story has helped you. It was by accident that I found Dr. Carter's video that night, not knowing at that time what a "narcissist" even was. After listening for about 5 minutes, Dr. Carter said "... remember, you're not the crazy one here", and with that, I burst out crying. After listening to and crying through the rest of the tape, I felt "freed" from all the pain and regret that I'd been carrying around for 50 years!! I had rehashed and tried to analyze my 4-1/2 years of marriage hundreds of times, but now it was all becoming clear. By the time I had finished watching every one of Dr. Carter's tapes that I could find, I had just about everything figured out and realized what a fool I had been for not letting another guy into my life in all of those years.
So, cfrdog, don't be an idiot like I was, and find yourself someone you can love and who will love, appreciate and respect you for who you are. And remember, she doesn't have to be the hot and passionate love of your life. Truly deep love usually comes with time.
Yes, so on point. Knowledge is power, so Thank You for sharing this. The more the gaslighting and silent treatment is thrown at me, the more I stand my ground... In the end, it doesn't matter what the cause is; healthy people give up on an unending battlefield....Healthy people just want out. Cannot wait to hit the eject button.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! You just cleared up for me how I've been brain washed all my life from these narcissists. I thought I was too aware to be. However, I always overly questioned myself, and doubted myself sooo much, my whole life!! I've found it hard to make good decisions with any confidence. I now understand through your video, that never the less I was indeed brainwashed. It's never to late to learn and heal though. Praise God!!
This really hits home. I've been criticized for everything from defending myself from false accusations to being criticized for how I pronounce words. The person called me fake repeatedly, a lousy mother, a bad example to my children, not good enough at my job. They've nitpicked at me, my friends, told me who was appropriate to hang out with and who wasn't and shamed me for everything and anything. All the while drilling it into my head that they only say these things because they love me and nobody else loved me enough to show me the errors of my ways. They also called me demented, sick in the head, in need of therapy, etc. It got to a point where all I heard was negatives about myself. All this from someone who was unemployed and hadn't worked in years, didn't have kids, triangulated the hell out of me when it came to their exes, and did nothing whatsoever in their life -- all the while telling me that "everyone" wanted them. They would say, "When you enter into your next relationship, that person needs to call me and thank me for molding you into such a great person." Sickening.
Just the other day my mother said something hateful to me, I can’t even remember what it was. I asked her why was she so mean to me. Her response? “Because I can.” I’ve dealt with this my entire life and it’s so exhausting.🤯
Dr. Carter, i hardly ever comment on a youtube video, but i just had to for this one. Every word that you've spoken in this video is so so accurate about the experiences I've had n explains exactly what I've gone through and how i just felt trampled all over like a doormat. I've finally broken free n still working hard on building my self-confidence back up again. Your videos are so insightful and i really thank you for helping me n so many other people realize what exactly we're going through (i.e. we're not at fault like we're made to feel all the time) and learn how best we can deal with such situations in our lives.
As Dr. C says, I hope you find your peace❤💚💜💙💛
Excellent content and video, Dr. Carter. Thank you for encouraging others. Please give beautiful Gus a big hug!
SkyFlying333
I like seeing Gus in the videos too! Hehee! 🐶🐶🐶
I learn a lot from your videos. But sometimes, I feel so sad. I wish I had met you 40/50 years ago. It's very hard to feel confident about yourself, when you've spent your life being told that you are not worthy anything good. I managed to get away from a narcisist family. The problem is that I am scared of making mistakes. I never know how far I should go. They are always saying that I need them to "take care" of me, that I don't know how to judge people and that people will take advantage of me. I should just be glad to have them around me to take "care and look over me". I'm too old and not prepared to face changes and the world today. I'm taking baby steps. I'm not always sure about everything. But something inside me says that I am not a bad person and I am worth giving myself a chance of being happy and living my life as I wish. Thank you.
Keep taking those baby steps!
The nitpicking, start of the devaluation, they are already loading up the new sources of supply, run like the wind!!