YOUR MATURE RESPONSES TO A NARCISSIST'S IMMATURITY
Вставка
- Опубліковано 9 чер 2024
- With their self-absorption, entitlement, trigger-quick defenses, it is clear that narcissists have not developed adult coping mechanisms. The height of futility comes when you respond just as poorly in reverse. Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter explains how you can maintain maturity even in the midst of the narcissist's childlike immaturity. It requires you to think independently, not letting the narcissist set your agenda.
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who lives in Dallas, Tx. In the past 39 years he has conducted over 60,000 counseling sessions and many seminars and workshops.
Are you ready to break free from the controllers in your life? If so, sign up for Dr. Carters brand new course Free to Be HERE: survivingnarcissism.tv/go/fre...
Sign up the the Surviving Narcissism email list and receive extra videos, articles, and promotions: survivingnarcissism.tv
Books by Dr. Carter: store.bookbaby.com/book/When-...
www.amazon.com/When-Pleasing-...
www.amazon.com/Anger-Trap-You...
www.amazon.com/Enough-About-Y...
Dr. Carter's other UA-cam channel: / drlescarter
If you are interested in online counseling, Dr. Carter has a sponsor who can assist. As the need is there, please seek the help you deserve: betterhelp.com/drcarter
We receive commissions on referrals to BetterHelp. We only recommend services that we trust.
Dr. Carter's online workshops about narcissism, anger management, and overcoming infidelity: drlescarter.com/video-workshops/ - Фільми й анімація
The narcissist is all about "me". Maturity is about "we". That's the shortest description...
🎯
*distinction*??
RIGHT.
The first time I brought this concept of “we” up I got the silent treatment
I'm in the battle of my life. These videos will probably save my life
MsTammi125 Hang has n there, friend! Keep that chin up, and your spirit alive!
MsTammi125
Hello!
Please seek the Lord, Christ Jesus...I promise you that you are in need of HIS strength that is able to get you through!
Psalms 62
6 He only is my rock and my salvation: he is my defence; I shall not be moved.
7 In God is my salvation and my glory: the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God.
8 Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah.
Please take the time to watch this video with an open mind and heart! :)
ua-cam.com/video/QFxh2FExi7c/v-deo.html
Peace.
Keep with it's a lot of knowledge to take in but it is my best shot at the present time. You likely really hurting as it's insane and does not add up then check the problem like the math I learned. I am not able to pretend what I think you choose to do about it,I am sure you are in the place of free knowledge if like myself you are seeking to understand what you are going through and I have been getting a lot better as far as along the lines of what happened to me and I'll always be glad to have found Dr Carter's channels on this site. I am sure you will be able to figure out how your going to be able to put the past where I only wish I could say that snap and it was De Narc and that's the thing. Wishing you your own life back in the best way possible that you find a way to accept the things done that's what I feel like brought me back away from the edge of the cliff for an anolagy in my mind's eye for lack of a better way to describe it and I will be about something like two months of trying to get a grip on the subject. Praying for you and your peace of mind that many people are like minded and seeking. Heal up and get the tool's you are able to for future use as if I'm in the mind to battle it I armed with effective weapon's and cornered may have to battle many times before I get there and I have learned that I can withdraw from my enemy's advance and the advantage of surprise and the psych war to soften us and learn how defeat us with word's as weapon's and this has happened to me and I was just dazed by my opponent. I learned that I can stay in honor for myself and her dishonor is mine too I was not left with any honor and speak to you about the man who is still in love with the one I chose to marry. I'm sorry you're hurting and in time I will heal and get whatever is left gathered up and start again and if I learn how to cope I might be able to make something positive to have to remember and I have been damaged and am not now or ever have been anything but damaged goods for that I am in true reality. Best regards and wishes for much smoother ride to where you want to be
Praying
Yes! And a spiritual one at that! ❤❤❤
They seek battle, always about everything. They never ever say "congrats" to you, no matter what you achieve. And if you have problems they will have a slight grin in their face.
That grin part. I had some health issues after delivering my baby, I was in tears describing how I felt to my husband, all he could say or do was asking stupid questions pretending he cared.. And I swear to you I could hear him widely grinning on the phone while I was crying in pain.
Absolutely!
They never approve of anything, never happy for you, feed off of any stress you are going through and always try to piss you off and get under your skin
Yes they NEVER CONGRATULATE YOU!
THAT smirk. would love to wipe that off with bleach. BUT!! that would be not a positive thing, would it? it is a daily conscious effort to disengage, go forward, and keep positive. hard to do when you spend the work day with a snark.
So far 73 narcissists disliked this video. That means we are reaching more and more each day. Exposure is the cure.
LOL 🤭
Lol
last night i responded poorly and today im the shamed one. its so hard sometimes to be mature in this situation
And so easy to be hard on ourselves...
@@micheleagren1604 im not ashamed! hes shaming me
@@Julie-ev5js not ashamed! he is the one shaming
i did nothing wrong. next day he forgave me, what a joke!
Try the gray rock method!
I was married to a narcissist for 30 years. Funny you mention maturity. I can remember thinking so many times that he was permanently locked into a 14 yo personality - the personal vanity, the aloofness, the entitlement, the derisiveness, the fear of embarrassment, and selfishness. For decades I hung to the belief that he would mellow out, see the error of his ways and finally become a loving companion. It did not happen.
My narcissist girlfriend of 3 years made me feel so crazy all the time everything was my fault and she was always the victim. After a while you actually start to believe them. Your videos saved my mental health. Thank you
Get the hell out especially while you are just dating , don't be like me - married to one and can't get out.
@@trustnonarc6780 I’m in a similar situation!
@@trustnonarc6780 you can get out! I divorced mines!!
When crazy angry people call me names or try desperately to get an emotional response from me, I just ignore it. I am not a person who will call others nasty things or yell at them. They seem to really despise the calmness
I am trying to learn that to deal with my narc H, its hard when he keeps pushing it 24hrs.
I say, Thank You, over & over:):)
So cute. I was like that little boy. People always say that I am mature beyond my years. Then you meet a 60+ man that acts like he is 3.
I was too! Then I was out in the wild and was told I was dumb, green, naive.... My heart hardened a little but not 100% Not nearly as bad aa some. Just made my closed off and winey and my comments and thoughts always were "nuanced" thinking ppl were playing games more often than not. It messed with me to be around "sophisticated" people... But the purity of the heart of Jesus that I learned about and loved as a child was always with me and guided me. I know I'm not perfect. Nobody is. But I know I'm headed in the right direction with him with forgive, love, charity... Being a dark person doesn't always happen with one big act of cruelty... It's small moments if playing the victim too often, thinking your problems are the biggest (because they feel like it!!), being afraid to give anymore, always watching your back, doubting... We think we're just being "realistic" but we end up cold and reactive and stingy... Even the most kind hearted person and sometimes the MOST kind-hearted person can be burned and scarred. It takes faith to stay giving in this world. And DISCERNMENT. Discernment is beautiful. It's being realistic about who someone is.... But it's NOT judging ot trying to change them.
Yeah, children that in many cases, must be responsibles for other people lives.
Absolutely, but I think, is necessary to help narcissist persons too, so to avoid they make the same mistakes and hurts other people integrity.
I always think love prevails. I am an empath. Will never change. But being taken advantage of hurts.
Maria Trakadas, narcs have a natural radar for empaths like you. I've been raised by my parents to always consider someone else's needs and feelings, and this way I learned very early that giving and acknowledging other people's perspectives can be a very awarding virtue, cause it helps you to grow, gives you the opportunity to learn so much.
You know you met a narc when you figure they don't value your attention and your effort to understand them AT ALL, but keep on trying to make you feel like you're never trying hard enough and act like you have to apologize constantly.
That's the point where empaths like us have to learn how to draw a line, how to set boundaries and how to protect ourselves from "energy-vampirism".
Your book "When Pleasing You is Killing Me" led me to finally complete therapy...seems like narcissism is now more understood than 30 years ago. Thank you for your work.
if N. is understood, then why does it persist? teens in adult bodies.
@@dianedeclare8541 because when we don’t or won’t wake up to it, we invariably enable it.
My dad always said “ you never know what someone else is going through… what kind of day they are having. Always be kind. “
Words to live by. 🖖👍
" He who dies with the most toys wins"- a narcissist's mantra
Nancy Luckhurst LOL My father use to say those exact words! Always struck me as odd. Now we know. 🤣
Pretty sad. Dr. C
Surviving Narcissism Thank you. That it is. Been over 10 years since no contact for me with him.
He wins, I guess LOL In his mind anyways.
That is is it, Narcissist mantra, they're stuck in a timeperiod, probably their childhood when that method worked for them.
I love it.
I always try to take the high road, but I have been unprepared on occasion for unexpected attacks and reacted poorly. It always feels better to stay calm, so I definitely have room for improvement.
Nancy, I get caught off guard too from time to time.
We're all human and do these things on occasion. We ALL have room for improvement. I sure hope you're not beating yourself up over that. One of my favorite sayings is: "We do the best we can for where we are in life." Or Mya Angelou's saying "When we know better we do better." Narcissists make it VERY difficult to take the high road. It's a learning process for all of us. Some days are better than others but the more you practice you'll eventually get better at it. Stay strong! Blessings.
Narc's will never change, it is very difficult to be civil with them. Once you process the FACT that they do not change then you must work on changing yourself or going strict no contact.
Keep on the high road I must say I respectfully wish you are left a path to honor even if the trail is less traveled and I think it how much is really good for me and my way to try to remain in honor and I am trying to honor the dishonor I am receiving and find it's not the easy way when you are already bleeding out and have dishonor shown at every turn, so I respectfully wish to honor you as to a old romantic dreamer and fool,honor at any time unless under extremely heavy duress, and in the case of survivial anything is more honorable than quitting and surrender in my old fool's twisted reality.
After hours, sometimes days, of being berated and demeaned, it's hard to remain civil. We all try, but we're only human, after all.
Narcissist not being the center of attention - Narcissist: "They are disrespectful to me."
You give them a gift - Narcissist: "There are better colors/quality/etc of this though."
They do something wrong - Narcissist "It's all *****'s fault."
Someone else does a mistake - Narcissist: "What a Loser!"
Anything goes wrong - Narcissist "That happened cause they didn't ask me before how to do it right."
Someone achieves something - Narcissist: "Nothing special. I would have done better."
Someone needs help - Narcissist: "That's not my business, they are adults and need to help themselves."
Narcissist needs help - Narcissist: "Everyone needs to cancel all their own plans and focus on my demands."
One of the worst parts in dealing with them with no doubt is the extreme self-centeredness and entitlement.
Thank you so much for this, like always (!), incredibly helpful and accurate insight, Dr. Carter!
T97Frida
When they do something wrong it’s called shortcomings. When they fly First class Economy is called Asshole class. Because I wouldn’t let him sleep with me in a twin bed at my parents house I get called a Dick and a Bitch but it was worth it just to have my own 🛌😂. Seriously you’re 55 and your still name calling. You big baby 👶
That summary is the majority of my family... almost word for word! 🤯
This is a perfect summary. Thank you. I hope you don't mind I copied it into a word document so I can refer back to it after future encounters to help keep myself from feeling guilty and in the wrong.
L H Please feel free to do so! I’m glad if reflecting my own experiences helps you ❤️
@@laurawilliams4034 How awful that a "grown" man can act like that! But i'm glad that you got to enjoy your big bed and big sense of victory! 😁
I'm in my mid twenties and get scared when I think about how staying with a narc could lead to being in a relationship with a scary old man yelling at you, while you at the same time feel mentally younger than you felt back when you fell in love with that less-scary person in the beginning of the relationship..
That's definitely something something to think about when you already feel small and weak..
I can't even imagine the struggle when you are also physically weak :(
Thanks for reminding me 🍀
My mother is a narcissist and I was afraid of her my whole life that actually writing this comment stating she is a narcissist makes me feel guilty. I don’t know what to do. I’m 24 and I know I can leave, I tried. I just can’t afford it and there are no jobs with COVID. Please pray for me
Feel for you. Wonder if you could find a live in job this summer? Holiday park/pub. Covid bollox allowing.. Or go back to uni? Mature student, you could get funding, and live elsewhere? Whatever you decide, good luck and don't give up
I really empathise for you , I was inmthe samw situation but have recently moved out after living with her for over 7 years. I got out through luck and the benefit system awarding me with p.i.p and housing benefit due to my ill.health living there. You honestly can do it. Firstly you could try donation based counselling or the wellbeing service for a solid regular support. There are also some great books on amazon about narcssitic mothers and daughters of this trauma to help guide you. Put yourself on the housing list in your area and just know you can and have to move out xx 🙏
Surround yourself with trusted friends 😘
The little boy was demonstrating some real empathy for your backside. This also reflects in a favorable way on his parents!
Yes and yes. Dr. C
I thought he was going to say it come from a child growing up with a narcissist, so they learn how to be co-dependent at a young age lol
Def. a reflection of what’s he sees in his home and the ones influencing him!
I will never accept being devaluated by anybody and certainly lesser now than before
I stand behind you on this decision. Dr. C
Surviving Narcissism thank you so much. Learned a lot in these last 4 months.
Mature (lessening of self-centeredness) people:
1. Open to differences/Invites differences.
2. Never loses sight of their own humanity./Admits mistakes.
3. Interperets other people through the other person's filtering system.
4.When treated poorly, did not return in kind.
5. Make good adjustments to stress.
6. A modest attachment to things.
7. Guided by reason and values.
8. Seeks out different perspectives.
9. Duty and obligation are less dominant.
10 . Conflict is viewed as a learning experience.
11. Give other credit for success
12. Love is prioritized.
13. See a human being's worth is intrinsic.
14. They like to encourage.
15. Realize we are all interconnected.
Exactly
Thank you!
I've reacted poorly, ruthlessly, in hopes of being left alone. Then I'm reminded that such reactions don't repel them as they would a healthier person, and putting out negativity doesn't make me feel any better 😥
They are exasperating!
Exasperating is exactly 💯°
I've always loved Ralph Waldo Emerson's definition of success (especially as opposed to what a narcissist might define as success). I think your list is a wonderful guide on what it takes to become the successful person Emerson defines, and I take it to heart. Thank you.
“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the beauty in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that one life has breathed easier because you lived here. This is to have succeeded.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
Ralph knew what he was talking about! Dr. C
Bravo 👏🏽
To leave a place always better than before
Lovely. Thank you.
That made me feel like a success, and I wasn't feeling very useful lately. TY
I love Emerson's Essays. What you quoted is beautiful.
OMG you can't one up on a narcissist. You just can't sink to their level. Impossible
I've been mature since I was 5 years old. But the narcisitic parents twisted that around to be something very wrong so I learned to shut down and doubt myself.
going on 5 months no contact... its been incredibly hard. I still love and want him but he was slowly destroying me. I have to get away, far away to get him out of my system. This is horrible
Stay strong! Get busy! You deserve better!
Joie de Vivre Morph same.
I took a narcissist back that I was miserable with for a year. It slowly became worse than the 1st time around. They are NEVER faithful or truthful. So glad I left for good. Now I watch youtube videos on narcissist behavior whenever I miss him..it helps alot.
Joie de Vivre Morph Run! Its never going to get better! I can’t stand mine husband now but can’t leave. Its all financial.
the time will come. Save save save.xx
I just wanted to say thank you Dr. Carter. Without you I wouldn't have known that the abuse I am going through is caused by a narcissist. I probably wouldn't have realized that me emotionally spilling my guts out no matter how I put it would get rejected by him. Thank you
Same here, Ty Dr. Carter!
Ive lived this insanity for 6 yrs not knowing what to call it also. I made up my mind to cut him off completely and I now have peace.
Can you please do me a favour and have a look into ADHD, and see whether the person you were going through the situation with matches that profile?
Tend to be gifted people in some ways, but it is deeply disabling
I'm terribly sorry that it's such a difficult experience for you to navigate through, but I've got a hunch that it isn't as cut and dry as the Dr is hypothesising
@@dreamweaver8331 My father doesn't have the typical symptoms of ADHD. He's a successful businessman who is well organized and knows what he's doing and doesn't show symptoms of ADHD. He fits all of the signs of a narc though. He has trouble empathizing because of a troubled past. Also a lot of times I feel like I'm only valued by him as long as I'm useful to hm.
@@hershy1594
My dad's very similar. A Dr of psychology who watched me wear black all the time and relate to slipknot etc and constantly tries to dominate everyone...
I seem to be on the opposing end of the scale, and feel too much empathy with everyone, and it keeps me in a state of depression unless I stay occupied
I quickly click with other ADHDers who either run businesses and outwardly appear in control, or the opposite who are constantly jumping from job to job, searching for purpose and meaning and escaping from the cage of emotions
I've come to conclude that me and my dad probably clash because we're more similar than different, but our experiences teach us different lessons about our engagements with other people and our environment
I hate my dad deeply, and am trying to repair the bridge at 30,because I love my lil bro so much and promised him I would
If you were to unravel his behaviours, do you find many similarities in traits you share?
I find there is no kinship between them and others, what a waste of energy & time is is for the other individual!
There is definitely chemistry and friendship, but the covert narc isn't challenged by them in any way, so they don't find out and they're not aware, they're too insecure or afraid of abandonment to call out the narc on their covert behaviors. I feel alot of individuals will waste years being friends with narcs and it will end very badly, or they just end up never finding out they are a narc and the narc will remain happy and use that person for all they've got. That concerns, saddens and maddens me. My dad is basically a door mat for my mom and he's too insecure to call it out, he's always on his toes, 24/7, with her bipolar moods, nagging and narcissism. So self-centered. I wonder why he has depression...
77 narcissists disliked this video. As a recovering vulnerable narcissist, I needed this! Thank you!
Praying for you
The problem I face is that my spouse claims he is being treated poorly by me whenever I express any normal expectation or upset over the way HE is treating ME. Then he goes into full "game on" mode when he truly has not been attacked or treated poorly. He claims my words "hurt his feelings" and that that is equally as abusive as his threats, name- calling, and profanity. Really?
Nancy Luckhurst, he’s manipulating you. My narcissistic boyfriend did the same. He would emotionally/verbally abuse me in a horrifying manner then gaslight me and play the victim. It’s what they do.
Nancy Luckhurst, that is what they do to control you. He manipulates you into believing it was you who acted inappropriate. He's shifting the blame onto you to intimidate you and to keep you believing you owe him something and therefor you need to please him even if it feels uncomfortable to you. He finds pleasure in seeing you being upset and hurt and defending yourself - for something you don't have to apologize or defend yourself at all. That makes him feel superior.
I know it's super hard, but try to not react emotionally to it. Respond but don't react, stay calm and don't let him involve you in debates that lead to you taking blame. Show him he can't make you feel miserable, show him he can't control your feelings.
Good luck, my very best wishes for you, Nancy! x
He is in victim mode so that he does not have to bear any responsability
@@T97Frida Thank you!
So sorry you are going through this. It is definitely abuse, and it took me almost 20 years of marriage to realize it. It's been two years since I got up the nerve to leave him, and I am still raw and hurting. I don't trust myself. Every decision I make, I question. Just like he used to. Please take care of yourself, look after yourself, and know that you are not going crazy.
Narcs idea of love is admiration... so true! I’ll never forget the tantrums my ex narc used to throw whenever I didn’t post something he did for me on social media. I’d keep it between us and show appreciation in private. He hated that. I realized he hadn’t bought me that gift or done that “sweet” thing out of genuine love but because he needed to be admired by others and to look good to others. He needed to use me to brag about him to the public so he could boost his ego and look superior to other men.
It's so terrible when you're trying to not react to spouse
When they are speaking in a abusive why.
Then they start telling you what you're thinking and why.
You haven't said a word. Makes me feel hopeless. ThanksJennifer😄
Your not alone Jennifer. Divorced after 30 years.
Omggg! That's my husband, now if I say nothing, he'll have an argue inserting what he thinks I would say or what he thinks I'm thinking! So not!!!
Lisa O'Neill . THIS is so true and THE most frustrating part of ‘communication’ with the narc. I once said that I obviously wasn’t needed since he carried on both sides of an argument that I didn’t participate in.
Makes me want to just throw all of these lies at them HEAD ON!
I grew up with a whole family of narcissists, being the youngest, I was always left out of all important decisions, my sister and brother took control after my parents died, ( as they were trustees, I was left out) They both lied and cheated me out of a lot of money...Now I am the bad guy, My nieces and nephews don’t know, the money they got was stolen from me and given to them.... My much older narcissistic sister and brother don’t even speak to me anymore since they got the money.......It’s heartbreaking, all my nephews and nieces don’t speak to me either. Trying really hard to get better, but it’s really really hard....I am going to try to have a Great Summer, listen to loud music and try not to have a care in the world.....Good Luck Survivors, I feel your confusion and pain
You just described my situation. Amazing. Hang in there. There is nothing hidden that will not be revealed.
You are blaming and punishing yourself? Love and respect yourself everyday. You are worthy.
An excellent description of maturity while contrasting with narcissism.
Yep. The 5 year old kid has more concern for others than a Narc
Its emotion, not logic with the narc. They are very emotional about everything. Way too much for me!
Lynn McIntosh yup , the narc I know too!
I am going to watch this again! I see the narc in all of this!
Or tactical maciavellian narcissism
I parted ways with a family narc a year ago. Blessed peace once again! I just told the person, "It takes too much emotional energy to have a relationship with you. Bye!"
The only emotions my mother has for me is antagonism, lies.
I will say this, it seems as though they act like they care about something or someone, to make themselves look good to others. This tells me they are somewhat aware of their lack of empathy.
My relationship of 4 years just went cold. He had an unexpected event that put him out of control and then he just lost it. I've been binge watching your videos reverse engineering WTF just happened. I should have seen it coming as my mother, husband and several others have given me a lot of practice with a narcissist. I figured that since I was older I had a handle on it. Sometime the eyes just don't see what they don't want to know. Thank you SO much for being available and helping me regain my sanity.
I didn't want to face the fact that such evil existed
My relationship has "gone cold" as you put it after 12 years. I was in auto wreck recently and this person is not dealing with it and just ignoring me and my injuries. I don't know how long I can live with this situation since I have to heal physically first.
@@chrisellementery1404 hugs. Some people can not deal with being helpless.
@@chrisellementery1404 May I clarify. They can't with being helpless to help. We have such a McD Thow a Way society that some can not deal with less than perfection and happiness. Are you giving them an opportunity to heal also???
@@rosejohnson-tsosie2552 I'm not concerned about this person's feelings anymore. To be so cold to me while I'm physically broken is too much to ask from me to be kind.
I was manipulated for too long by narcissists in my life. Now, I've learned not to pay attention to them if I can help it. One I've broken contact with but the ones left in my family, I've learned not to give too much thought of what they say. Sometimes, it still hurts, but I have to consider the source. Thank you again Dr. C.
Dr. Carter, thank you for giving me tools for my toolbox, I have very few. May your life be blessed since you have been willing to share so freely.
My narcissistic ex husband and his whole narcissistic cult like family are always right and flawless and it’s only their way in their delusional minds. Very controlling manipulative critical and judgmental hypocrites.
My father in law, when I was married to his daughter, took us for a meal at his friend's place, his friend was a deacon at the church we attended, after the meal His friend got me aside and recommended I use medication to lower my sex drive, his daughter had very little do do with me anyway and was a super narcisist who was cheating on me.
Funny thing The Father in law was cheating on my mother in law.
I was the only one not having sex..... Go narcissism.
May it go... To Hell.
The S/word 23 did he tell you she was cheating on you?
You too huh! What is it about them having toxic families? Is it this that makes them narcissistic? Is it something they learn from them?
ColTaylorDyath yes!
Thought I was the only person that married into an ENTIRE narcissistic family!
The ex thought I was the same person at 63 that I was at 17 - cause he was the same! He got a real shock and didn’t know how to deal with me😆.
Wow. Thank you, Dr. Carter. You’re so articulate and have the gift of explaining things in such a simple way that we can understand.
Think you, Dr. Carter, for giving me tools to mature. My eyes of understanding concerning narcissistic tendencies in myself is helping me to become emotionally mature at the ripe old age of 73. God bless you. 🙏🌹
It's never too late. Dr. C
You’re so right about it never being to late to learn about ones behavior. Here I am at 83 and paying close attention to Dr. Carter’s lectures. We seem to walk a fine line...as a retired RN thinking of others first is a given ....but I do not want to be regarded as a doormat !
Wow! I admire you!
We are battling demons! Full Goats🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
I'll take the goats ANY DAY over having her stay one more second here in my home. Ugh,
Sadly both of my parents are narcissist; but I never knew it until recently. Unfortunately, I married one. These videos have helped me tremendously.
I’m late to this but I just had to respond. My ex and my mother are both in this category. I did a paper in college about this subject but included the Peter Pan syndrome. The damage these people do to family members is another whole area to cover too. Most narcissist people , over the course of their lifetimes alienate everyone in their circle of friends and family. I’ve seen elderly people in my family who end up old, alone and pissed off because everyone has abandoned ship. The only way out is to just go no contact. After being used and abused for so long you just can’t take it anymore. Your pleas for understanding fall on deaf ears. I follow author Peg Streep too and although she is not trained in the field she has some good insights about how to survive this toxic behavior. Some don’t survive. I spent too many years wasting my time and life hoping that things would get better. They don’t want boundaries or to listen to what you have to say or especially how you feel. They only want their agenda and control over you. All I can say is what I wish someone had told me years ago. RUN! Get out and get on with your life without that crap in your life. I finally did it 7 years ago. I’m 60 now and for the first time I’m living a happy life.
Thank you for saving people with your videos.
Dr. Carter, once again, thank you. You are saving my sanity and helping me to find the strength to finally free myself from the mental prison that the narc has had me in. ❤️🙏
These are awesome !! Thank you so much for putting this list together and sharing it. It's not just for dealing with narcissists but mature ways of being with everyone.
Exactly!
Completely agree 👍. And thank you again Dr. Carter
yes the constant struggle, trying not to act as they do when you have to be around them for a while keep reminding yourself.we all need help from time to time.
Thank you for sharing this valuable information!! I’m collecting this info and learning how to heal myself and my two daughters from the trauma we’ve endured from their narcissistic father. The one we’ve concluded to be the “asshole” in the family. 😂 I’m so grateful I got out of his clutches, divorced and moved away after our girls got older. It’s been 3 years since we’ve moved away and we are all so happy.
This makes so much sense. Emotional maturity is something I am looking for in all my friendships going forward.
They would not want to do the work of getting to know who *we* are, Dr. Les! Easier and better for them to make us what they want. NO BOUNDARIES! Performance-based! We finally know we have nothing to prove to them. TYSM for all of this, Dr.Les. Blessings!
Thank you so much Dr. Carter you are saving my life.
You are like a substitute father. My father was a grandiose malignant narcissist. When I left at 17 I thought I was done but I didn't know how these patterns would replay and replay for 40 years.
I find in you and others like you a clear, clean, strong template for masculinity that I lacked growing up. So benign, so seeing, so empathetic. Thank you.
Dr. Carter,
Thank you so much for such helpful videos. I really appreciate the time & effort you put into educating us about narcissism with such a balanced perspective. God bless you!
The good Doctor nails it once again! After being in therapy on and off for over 30 years -(raised by a severely narcissistic mother, Asberger-like father) - I have been helped more by your videos than all those years of therapy combined! Thank you, Dr. C., from all of us who came here for help and answers! You provide-! With grace, intellegence and wisdom.
“Narcissist are like little kids” “ if they don’t get there way they’ll throw temper tantrum”
Me when my toddler throws a tantrum : ignores her continue to tell her no ask her if she’s done and ready to act right gives her time out
Me when her father throws a tantrum : gives him what he wants tries to make him feel better let him yell scream disrespect me and eventually lose my point of view and he wins
Somethings terribly wrong here
This is a good point.I tend to do the same.Then I wonder why I feel so broken.Time to treat it just the same as I do my kids tantrums.Let him have his fit,choose not to make it about me and u understand it's all about him,and dont pay him special attention till hes done.
This man is amazing! Thank you, Dr. Carter!
Wow, thanks to you I'm learning so much about narcissism and myself. This is not my first attempt at understanding narcissistic behaviour and how to survive with one. You are direct in your videos and quite calming. Thank you for your efforts to help us understand. My mum was an empath, my dad was a narcissist, both are gone from this earth now. Although I've been a people pleaser for most of my life, I'm at the age now where my self preservation comes first in most situations. Sometimes I feel guilty opting out of things due to lack of energy, or wanting to keep relationships smooth by skipping meaningful but potentially volatile conversations. I have difficulty dealing with narcissists who are close to me because even though they are family and I care about them, I feel guarded, uneasy, nervous, self doubting around them. I need the tools to lovingly rebuff any and all (passive aggressive mostly) attacks on my person. I realize now that arguing my case, trying to win them over, or appeasing them is not productive. I have been feeling so drained. You are helping me to feel more confident about my worth.
I could fill a library with volumes on my life blunder's.
Love the beagles. Check out my shanty beagle if you want to ;)
@@backwatersandbackroads Thank you! I watched the Scooter Beagle Christmas. Your little Beagle is awesome and I am amazed he sits on that bike so calm like. Neither of the my Beagle's would ever do that.
@@sunbeagle9769 she's a real blessing in my life ;) smallest beagle I've personally ever seen. About 9 pounds. Thanks for looking;)
@@backwatersandbackroads Wow, that is very small. I have a male and female beagle, they really do love on each other. The male is 32 pounds; he is built like a line backer!
@@sunbeagle9769 I wish I could find a small intact male to.give my wavey gravy a liter of pups. ;)
Perfect description of 15 characteristics of the narcissist. Every aspect is accurate.
Maturity: Lessening of self-centeredness - vs -
Narcissism: LACK OF EMOTIONAL MATURITY.
1) Open and curious about differences - vs - "DIFFERENCES MEAN:" *YOU'RE WRONG.* " "
2) Doesn't lose sight of their own humanity - vs - "WE'RE NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT MY MISTAKES. IF THERE ARE ANY, THEY'RE BASED ON YOUR FAULTS ANYWAY."
3) Interprets other people through the other person's filter system - vs - "I DON'T NEED TO KNOW THE MAKE-UP OF YOUR UNIQUE INGREDIENTS."
4) When treated poorly, doesn't respond in kind - vs - " *GAME ON.* "
5) Makes good adjustments to stress - vs - "STRESS IS THE BEGINNING OF DISRUPTIVE BEHAVIORS."
6) Has modest attachment to things - vs - "IMPRESSED BY MATERIALISM & GLAMOUR."
7) Reason and values - vs - impulse and "WHATEVER I FEEL IN THE MOMENT."
8) Seeking out different perspectives - vs - "I DON'T WANT TO KNOW YOUR PERSPECTIVE. IT'S PROBABLY WRONG ANYWAYS."
9) Choice leads the way - vs - "IT'S ALL ABOUT THE AGENDA - ALWAYS."
10) Conflict is viewed as a learning experience - vs - "CONFLICT IS *ALWAYS* A WIN/LOSE PROPOSITION."
11) Gives other people credit - vs - "I'LL TAKE THE CREDIT."
12) Love and kindness is prioritized - vs - "GETS CAUGHT UP IN AGITATION."
13) A human being's worth is intrinsic - vs - " WORTH IS CONTINGENT UPON BEHAVIORS AND ACHIEVEMENTS."
14) Likes to encourage - vs - "CRITIZISES."
15) Realizes a general sense of interconnectedness - vs - "I WON'T CONNECT WITH DISSIMILAR PEOPLE. THEY'RE LOSERS."
Thank you Dr. C for helping understand my grandson who is also mentally ill. Very horrible combination. He is putting me in early grave n I'm listening to your help so I can be strong. 75 n trying to stay alive!
"if the narcissist is treated poorly it's like, game on" you are describing my response to my narcissistic ex boyfriend. I would always give it back to him.
You must sleep so well at night knowing how many people respect and treasure you as a very wise and compassionate man. I look at your videos every night as I wind down for the evening with a better understanding of my adult daughter.
I established a boundary with a narc and the threats ensued covertly. An undertoned threat.
Im considering a restraining order to end this once and for all. The energy and continued dysfunction Ive just come to my end about. Im praying God will intervene as the abuse has been long and hard.
Shame I've to wait 47hrs in little ol' england but I know you're worth the time to be patient ... Empathic Fan 😎🙏
Hang on! It's coming tomorrow. Dr. C
Rosco Woodward 🇮🇪
anyone with a JR dog is fine by me xxx
My dog is a tri colour fox terrier. Better fur and well behaved. Xxx
This is very helpful! My son is in the grips of one right now. She's isolating him. My family is stronger than she knows, however!! Thank you!!
@@4whirledpeas I'm worried about the end result of this too. It will end. I just have to be careful that he doesn't end up blaming me for it.
Problem is your family won't be around to support him forever and his narc will ALWAYS be a narc. I say this because my family members all passed away and I became stuck with only the narc. He gleefully thought that them all dying was his opportunity to finally break me emotionally and mentally. I survived only because God picked me up and carried me. If possible please arrange a counselor so your son can have clarity because its a long, long life of mental trauma and miserableness that will never truly be enjoyable if he remains with the narcissist.
@@76482 we've got this, hon.
I've listened to many of your videos. Thank you so much for your help. Knowing this type of person has helped me rise above the destructive behavior. I've also realized I had my own self destructive attitude toward myself which has helped greatly in being able to live with a Narc (I can not walk away from this person yet). While I worked on my own attitude I gave my Narc. a false weakness that she can pick at all she wants and I will react to it but it really doesn't bother me. It's worked out great!!! I'm now strong enough to be around this person. Life is much better. But really, it was my own poor attitude about myself that was making it possible for a Narc to crush me. Thank you again!!!!
Need to start living.. Not surviving,!.
you mentioned “brokenness “ I was raised in a very dysfunctional family- I’m married to a narcissist- now I can SEE due
to my “BROKENNESS “ why I’m in this destructive relationship- thx you for such clarity- beginning to “see the light” God Bless
Thank you so much! Your videos always make me feel not so alone in this 30 yr marriage to a complete narcissist jerk!! I will never fully understand the want/need to purposely hurt someone you supposedly love! I still cry most days bc I’m trapped but I’m trying to remain strong. Blessings to you Dr.carter! And blessings to all who suffer and live with this!🦋💙
Got out after 37 years of marriage to a narc. Difficult road to take but worth it at as you will find all the people around you are narcs as well. But at the end you know the people who are still around love and care for you. The things you will see and learn will turn your life around you will see you have been living in Lala land and there is better out there.
Narc Shock thank you! I have been with him over half my life! I don’t even know where to begin to try and get out. He controls everything. Absolutely nothing is in my name the house, my truck which he constantly reminds me if I try to leave he will not let me have any means of travel. Mind you the truck is 14 yrs old and paid for but in his name as is everything. Some days I feel like giving up bc I’m tired of living in fear and always walking on egg shells. My kids honestly have kept me alive bc I don’t wanna leave them to his mercy! The boys are older now and see his ways but our 13 yr old daughter thinks the sun rises and sets with him! I pray and try to teach her that this isn’t a normal relationship. I always tell her to make her own way and to never depend on a man. I just pray she listens and learns from my mistakes. I love our 4 children and I can honestly say they are the only good thing that has come out of this relationship! Thank you for letting me vent! May God bless you and keep you close! 💚
Dawn Hart Open your own bank account and start saving without telling him. Get copies of all your paperwork EVERY THING make a file and keep it hidden. 2 of my 3 adult children are unfortunately taking the narc route in life my youngest who was 25 at the time I woke up to The Abuse took a good hard look at himself and has turned things around and still working very hard at it. He has you believing you are helpless if you truly were he would have discarded you a long time ago. Narcs only stay with strong capable people that can prop them up, you are that strong capable person. Take good care Dawn.
Narc Shock thank you for the great advice!
You will have to begin your own covert life one brick at a time until your escape. Do you have a sibling that might be helpful?
You are a real decent fellow sir.And i am mighty appreciative of your time as well. 🙌😃
Woke up to realise i was surrounded by narrcisstic ppl! No wonder i got sick...drained to near death... being a performing muppet. God made me stop..healtwise..even i lived too much in ego...learned loads..
I have come to a place where I can stop trying to analyze and figure it out. Now it is ... this is abuse, this is unacceptable and I deserve better. PERIOD. Time to let go and settle for more!! Much love and strength to each of you!
Amazing... ! Thank you Doc!
👍🏻 Dr. Carter. I like how you always give the healthier alternative behavior instead of narcissistic.
The whole point is to move beyond complaints and turn toward real healing. Dr. C
It feel you describe exactly the person that I lived 8 years of narcissist abuse ..It is word to word truly , and each detail so much true!! They blow out of everything...not only when he is in stress....He was arguing once just because I told him to go to buy bread with cereals and sesams that likes my child !! He came back arguing , screaming ...why i send him and I am not going by myself !!
Your videos frequently make me laugh, Dr. Carter. My Narcopath is my landlord. At first I was so confused by his bizarre behaviours, his word salads, his triangulation with me vs other tenants (drama he was creating all on his own) but then, out of nowhere, one night it escalated to a sustained physical and verbal attack. So 2 months in to this nutjob being my landlord I started researching and found narcissism. I called him out on it and actually told him I knew he was a deeply damaged Narcopath. Well since then - he avoids me entirely. He hates that I figured him out. So when you itemize EVERYTHING this nutjob is it just kind of makes me laugh and do the happy dance of "Haha I was right!" Thank you SO MUCH for your most valued insight.
I finally told this narcissist I'm to old for him..then I explained...im talking about intellectual maturity...that he's like a baby.
Alternate title: How To Choose a Spouse. Everyone should watch this, especially if you’re prone to getting sucked into strong personalities. Awesome video! Thanks!
Parents can also be narcs.
"She's always on an express train, and she can't see the next bend"
A very accurate description of a narcissistic person I used to know.
It must be hell, being a helpless victim of yourself all your life.
Being able to restrain yourself and calm yourself, that's part of maturity.
This person had no adult breaking system. The intensity was amazing.
The only way was her way and the only direction was forward.
She would run over you or right through you and didn't care, as long as she got what she wanted.
Another interaction with my favorite narcissist just occurred. After making cookies, but not wanting to hang out, cookies returned. Briefly bummed out, but so over the whining angry time. Now I'm alone and enjoying my evening.
Listening to this comparison lets me know I'm the mature person.
Thanks for your help.
Great info. Most of these points are all linked to the quality of humility, a quality a narc unable to be, they only understand pride
Agreed. I think that all us at some time or another have narcissistic tendencies, or at least the urge to behave that way. It's pride, and something I struggle with myself.
Thank you so much for your videos. You are giving me words for what I have been feeling my whole life, but I wasn't allowed to have an opinion or think differently. Thank you for helping me to finally heal and become more emotionally mature ❤️
Thank you for you talking about maturity because as a young adolescent I had to face my NPD mom when discussing the reason of my bringing up her husband who was a pervert and was told by my friends that he exposed himself to them. I thanked them and march to discuss this humiliating and horrible experience of this man she called her partner? I quickly state this type of behavior must stop or I will call the police! I was trying to make them see their actions was causing problems for this family. What my NPD mom said was shocking. She said, "you'll be getting older and decide to marry and I'll have no one?" I was completely shattered by her answer which had nothing to do with this situation. Only her thoughts as a child from this 42 years old stating her concerns about herself - made me aware who was the adult and who was the child? I said nothing and walked away. It was as if the stage curtains had just opened into the mind of an NPD and I saw who I was dealing with not an adult but a child instead. It was hard to filter.
I will sleep easy tonight after your beautiful words.
Thank you
The latest Narcissist in my life ( and the last now that i understand them) was for ever accusing me of being 'childish' but he never looked in the mirror. I now am confident that I was always the mature adult in the relationship.
I absolutely love your videos my 23 year old daughter is a narc she just started dating a new guy 2 months ago he seems like an empath my husband are seeing her next victim play out with him she is obsessed right now she is talking him into buying a house before he deploys she sends him houses for them to go see he is going a long with it she already had him move all her belongings into an apartment and cook for her clean her car
She did this with her previous guys especially a long term bf who she has a child with she obsessed and threatened him moving to our state but once she finally got him here she decided to change her mind and treated him badly until he finally left the state
I am seeing all of it play out again with this guy she doesn’t really like him she just likes that she can get him to do what she wants
Awesome. This behavior is contagious and nobody is immune! If you come to these pages still trying to affirm how awful the other person is, you are lost. 1. If by chance, they ARE totally rotten then you'll still need to turn around and take care of yourself. You'll need to learn to assert boundaries.
And if they're just a "real work in progress like we all are (sometimes a jerk... Raised that way, butter whatever) and you're focusing on their behavior and in the meantime your own good foundation (if you were lucky to have one!) could end up deteriorating while trying to incriminate them! We can't let that happen because anyone with any goodness in them has been touched by the Lord and would not want to let that gold go down the drain! Keep it!!! Cultivate it!!! ❤❤❤ Dr. C helps people do that! 😊
It's so useful to focus on loving ourselves and being our best selves! It brings a lot of peace! Thanks Doc!
A nice girl in a Tae Kwon Do class saw one of the larger head protectors and asked if it would fit me. She was grade school age at the time. Several years later, I still smile when I remember. Another grade school age lady helped me voluntarily with the routine. What wonderful memories!
This man is great!!! Its as though he's been watching my day to day life for 30 years.
Aww, what a thoughtful little boy you speak of. Thank you for sharing this story!
Thank you Dr Carter, I love your videos, advice and listening to your Texas accent! You are appreciated very much in PHX, God bless you 😊
When you point blame at another person there are THREE pointing back at you". Telling my "N", got him to think twice before playing "the blame game".
The thing that DEVASTATES me is that I let her get to me. I snapped. I tried to apologize and recover quickly, but it didn't matter. She got to me.
The sign on my door had said: 35 years since an (emotional) accident.
Now it says: 0 days
I tried so hard to become a calm and mature person that was in control of myself. Now that I've been upended, I don't know who I am.
Whirled Peas that’s exactly the response she wants from you. I know it’s so hard not to take the bait but it gives her her little victory when you do. These people are just pathetic.
I know who you are. You're human. We all fall short. Don't be too hard on yourself 🌷🌞💜🦄🐈
Whirled Peas, they're so good at making people snap. I always said that the narc in my life could make Mother Teresa curse and make the Taliban cry like little girls. If there was a PhD in baiting and provocation, she would have it.
I snapped to after going so long but you know what? It felt wonderful.
I got myself together right away but those few minutes were wonderful.
I am light and love. I'm also a warrior who stands up for herself! 😉
See it a different way hon. Take your power back and feel the shift in energy💗
@@holidayholly7446 Thank you :)
Thank you Dr C. A brilliant guide and comparison with narcissistic personality which makes things very clear. So helpful!
Dr. Carter - you're the best! Another great video! You continue to write and produce outstanding videos. You are helping many people with your vast knowledge and wonderful presentations. Thank you very much for helping us. Your sincerity is very evident!
Every 5 yr. Old should be raised like that. How beautiful!
BLESSINGS
Spot on. I would tell my Mother she's a 70 yr old woman not a 2 yr old. She would throw trumper tantrums. I couldn't believe it.
Narcissists always say they are “mature” yet they are the complete opposite, but have the gall to call you immature!
Your videos are fantastic, you deliver them with so much clarity. I'm learning a tremendous amount and I am truly grateful. Thank you for sharing your time & wisdom with us all.
I wish I'd had an opportunity to listen to videos like these more than 60 years ago. I have been married to a man who displays narcissistic behaviour patterns for 62 years. These videos have been invaluable to me in helping me to cope with my situation. I shall be encouraging my 3 adult children to learn from them too as they still battle with the damage it has caused, not only to me but to the whole family.
60 years ago I was just 5, so it might not have had the same effect. Dr. C
I am no-contact with my narcissistic dad; it's working very well!