It’s so interesting how some people are unapologetically themselves to others and then there’s the rest of us who are constantly overthinking about how we come across.
It’s also interesting to see how refreshing it is to see someone who is real and authentically themselves, even for their flaws. I have general and social anxiety, and basically anyone I know either knows this about me or eventually finds out, because I’ve decided not to hide it anymore. I’m working on it instead. Wearing that “shame” right on my sleeve is kinda helpful, because a lot of people relate and haven’t had the courage to display that vulnerability. Turns out I’m not such a weirdo after all.
@@mariecarie1 so true! I’m glad you’re doing life being authentically you! Many don’t have the courage at all. I’m trying to be better about it, the overthinking is a long term illness I sometimes don’t even realize I still struggle with. I’m trying to get better though.
@@GetKaseFit It’s a struggle to be sure. It’s a process. I won’t say I’m always 100% authentic-like, at all-but I’m working on it. It’s a fine line between riding social norms and being your authentic self sometimes. The norms are necessary for basic human interaction, but it’s easy for those of us with anxiety to let them rule over us in a destructive way.
@@GetKaseFit And yes, you’re right-we internalize our thinking fallacies to a point we don’t even recognize them. We were never taught how to identify them in the first place! We don’t realize we’re overthinking until someone points it out, or after a LOT of practice. It’s work to get better. But it’s good work, and worth it.
Complex trauma. Complex trauma describes both children's exposure to multiple traumatic events-often of an invasive, interpersonal nature-and the wide-ranging, long-term effects of this exposure. These events are severe and pervasive, such as abuse or profound neglect.
It helped me A LOT realizing that i remember a lot of my "awkward behaviours" but i do not remember one awkward thing that any other human being have done, absoluyely none. So i'm sure that we only remember things that we think were quirky but no one else remember quirky things that others have done so just fuc* it! (English is not my first language)
@@missbear2385The things we fear very rarely ever happen. Though we can't control what thoughts come into our minds, we can control what thoughts we choose to entertain. So, focus on positive, constructive & uplifting things. "You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this and you will find great strength." -Marcus Aurelius All the best!
@@dallymoo7816 Hi Dally Moo, Even when they do happen, albeit infrequently, we can, oftentimes, glean valuable life lessons from these challenging experiences... "What would have become of Hercules do you think if there had been no lion, hydra, stag or boar - and no savage criminals to rid the world of? What would he have done in the absence of such challenges? Obviously he would have just rolled over in bed and gone back to sleep. So by snoring his life away in luxury and comfort he never would have developed into the mighty Hercules. And even if he had, what good would it have done him? What would have been the use of those arms, that physique, and that noble soul, without crises or conditions to stir into him action?" -Epictetus. All the best!
A few years back, I was really struggling with depression and mental health issues. I was hooked on cigarettes and alcohol, but then my wife suggested I try psilocybin mushroom therapy. Honestly, it saved my life. It's been 11 years since I've been totally clean. Those shrooms are like a miracle.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in UK. Really need
Two things i learnt that maybe some people can benefit from too: -awkward situations are not bad. They're just awkward. -if you try to remember something awkward someone else did, you will probably fail, and most people wont remember yours either.
The show Impractical Jokers has unexpectedly helped me through my social anxiety. If you haven’t seen it, it’s basically a prank show where 4 friends dare each other to do and say the most embarrassing and awkward things in public. Most of the situations are anyone’s worst social nightmare even for people who don’t have social anxiety. Moral of the story: none of the 4 friends die from embarrassment. They survive.
1.) faulty self evaluation - name your emotions and let go of self judgment 2.) “everyone’s looking at me” - shift your attention outwards 3.) “if I messed up it would be catastrophic” - you’re safe, even if you did mess up you’d be okay 4.) “I have to be perfect to be accepted” I value real human connection and all the feelings that come with it
I think what therapists ignore with this is that people who grew up bullied as children feel everyone is looking and judging them because that's what happened. I don't think people would believe the comments, and jokes that I got as a child and still get today just walking through a store. People notice everything. People make rude comments to your face. And those of us that are autistic have people come up to them and bully them still. I just had some guy at a grocery store charge up to me and accuse me of being the person who dented his car. I had no idea why. He said it was because I look weird and I didn't have a cart. He literally singled me out because I'm autistic. Honestly, I don't want to connect with people. People are terrible, rude and obnoxious.
I feel you. I’m also autistic and that’s all I could think about with this video and reading the comments. It’s arguably, in some ways, a lot more difficult and traumatic when it’s not just social anxiety but autism, even ADHD. I didn’t know I was on the spectrum until a couple years ago (I just turned 30) and I’ve still never been able to get over all of the bullying because it wasn’t just social anxiety that made me susceptible, it was growing up an undiagnosed autistic. The continual failed social interactions, lack of friendships and empathy from others just kept piling up. It’s very much an affect of trauma and continually being traumatized from bullying and misunderstandings.
Yeah, this. I have ADHD and I grew up constantly rejected by adults and peers for just being incapable of acting normal. I'd say things that I thought were completely innocuous only to be met with fear and disgust. It's kinda hard to tell myself that I don't need to overanalyze my interactions when overanalyzing my interactions is how I became tolerable to be around. I'm afraid that if I stop ruminating, I'll fall back into old patterns and the friends I gained by acting more normally will reject me.
I also have autism and ADHD, and I can agree, social situations are hard. For some reason, anytime a stranger even looks at me in public, especially in the eyes, my heart starts beating and I feel intimidated by them and immediately turn my head away from them, like I feel like they're judging me inside. Thinking on it, it's like, maybe I'm overthinking, but I've also been bullied a lot in school and that has really destroyed my confidence and self esteem. I tend to internalize every little comment or look I get from others since I'm sensitive, and that has made me feel like I'm too sensitive and that I need to change in order to 'survive' and to be strong. I also struggle with so much perfectionism with the way I speak and interact with others, even friends I know well. Like I feel so awkward when I speak sometimes, and I'm always worried about how I come across and how clear I am (even though most of my friends and family tell me I speak clearly). I'm trying to tell myself that everyone makes mistakes and that I'm okay. Even though things are hard, I am getting through it and I'm slowly building confidence in myself. I feel like the answer to all of it is to try to think higher of yourself and build yourself up so that it's harder for others to knock you down. Social anxiety is hard, but you are stronger than your social anxiety. I promise things will get better with patience. But I'm honestly fine with my small circle of friends, I don't care for making new friends now. When you spend time with people who _really_ love and accept you for who you are, that can fuel you.
My therapist told me, “Don’t should all over yourself.” As in, thinking, “I should’ve said this, should’ve done that, shouldn’t have said or done this,” etc. There’s self-eval, and then there’s “should”ing, or rumination. An interesting way to remind myself not to judge myself more harshly than I’d judge anyone else.
Trauma stuck inside our body make us prolong invalidation and self hatred. Instruction to label our overthinking as pathology will continue trauma, abuse, invalidation and self hatred. "Any attempt to dictate what thoughts, feelings, and sensations are proper or improper creates a breeding ground for guilt and shame." Peter A. Levine
Something I discovered recently that has greatly helped me with this kind of anxiety is telling myself since I’m allowed to be a human and take up some space, any person who nit-picks at me or watches or listens to me trying to catch me doing something bad, THEY are the weirdo. Why are they listening in on my convo? Why are they talking crap about my outfit? They’re the ones who need to find a life and not be so obsessed with me. This has helped me in so many other areas too. I have struggled with jealousy in my current relationship and would fixate on who my bf was looking at or talking to. If a thought like that comes up I tell myself: I’m worth receiving kind and respectful treatment and if it turns out he really is being unfaithful, that’s on him. He can carry that guilt and look like a massive jerk. It sounds mean but it ultimately helps me treat him fairly while lifting my self esteem back up.
This! What a brilliant coping technique! I've been thinking how weird it actually is when people do that. To me it sounds like some form of obsession or even fetishism. You're 100% right! You're brave for switching your perspective on that.
@@rezajankov5671 thank you for saying that! I think a lot of my fears about what others are thinking about me might be just in my head. But yeah I’m thankful I found a way to release myself from that. A couple weeks ago my bf and I were having a tense conversation in my apartment. Not yelling, just serious. Later my bf said “I think your neighbors were outside the window and heard us” and in the past I would have felt humiliated and worried about what they were thinking. But instead I responded to him with “really? If they were listening in then how creepy.” It’s a little more freedom I’m giving myself and I recommend it
I remember having a great time at a party, going home and feeling horrible bc I felt like such a failure. I had a great time at the party, and so did everyone else. But my brain just kept thinking that I must have done something wrong at some points.
Same here. Sometimes when I've had particularly good social interactions with family or friends I go home and feel bad or even cry because I think I was acting out of character or too erratic and what they might think of me now. It defenitely stems from being judged harshly during childhood and I got extremely guarded as a teen not sharing much of my personality. So now when I do share my true personality I feel almost exposed and very vulnerable and I'm scared it's bad and that I'm going to be judged for it. Just remind yourself that you're good enough the way you are and that you don't need others approval.
This is ALL I do EVERY DAY AND EVERY NIGHT even when I have a day by myself, I'm either replaying work interactions (that are 90% negative because I'm hyper vigilant and reactive). OR I'm replaying childhood/early adulthood traumatic events. Rumination is ALL I do and I don't know how to get out.
You’re not wired like this. Like B said, there’s a history there. Plus in general human brains do tend to remember negative events more than positive ones. Like most celebrities say in interviews, they don’t read comments because out of 100 nice ones, it’s the 1 negative one that they’ll remember and will stick with them. So no one is exempt from it! Very very few people and I think the rest of us have to really work at it. B’s book recommendation sounds interesting. I would look that up. My personal recommendations are: 1. Therapy. Like in the video, try to follow these guidelines and try and rewatch it as many times as you need, take notes, and apply them to your life to interrupt these thoughts. Seeing a therapist of your own will help a lot too in terms of accountability and helping you get to the root of it al. 2. Meditation. It’s something I’m exploring because I struggle with this too. It helps you be in the moment at every present moment and train your mind to be that way instead of stuck in the past or worried about the future. So if you’re washing the dishes, you will just be focused and present at washing dishes or listening to the music you’re listening to while washing dishes. Not thinking about an event from earlier that morning or years past. I find that helps a lot. Training the mind is a lot of work but definitely worth it! So we won’t have to live in misery and anxiety anymore and just have more pleasant interactions all around. More friends, more joy, more laughs, more fun! I definitely want to say at the end of my life that I laughed a lot. Hope you find your methods that help you too and take these recommendations into consideration. Wishing all the best of luck to all of us on this journey!
"Why did I say that?", that was exactly what I said after I got home and started to think about all the things I said in my first day of internship. I felt irrationally terrible!
i feel you... this thought wouldn't leave me in peace for my whole previous year of school as i went to a new school for the first time. that's when social anxiety literally punched me hard in the face. i discovered a lot of my insecurities but at the same time got some vital experience. today was my first day as a new student in another school once again, and it went SO MUCH BETTER. i was finally able to prove to myself that I CAN GO OUT THERE. now i'm even excited for tomorrow much love💘
@@mariaiakovleva8356 I have the same feelings as you as a student, despite all the insecurities related to my social anxiety. Thanks for sharing your experience
Just started a new job today after a long time at home (mostly alone). My head is literally spinning from all the conversations and a dozen „OMG why did I say that“. I had to laugh though when I saw that you just posted this video. Much needed here.
@@jenivettebigham7060 omg yes! I prefer txt bc you dont have someone watching and waiting for your response in person or call... but i think it kinda makes anxiety worse because you can re-write 10+ times and judge every wording the worst way when in reality the first one was fine haha.
This reminds me of working at a movie theater and how people would get embarrassed for saying “you too” when I told them to enjoy their movie. The thing is, I never thought these people were dumb. I never even thought twice about it because it happened CONSTANTLY. Doing that doesn’t make you dumb.. In fact, it makes you a lot like everybody else.
I think that my social anxiety ramped up when I had some really surprising encounters with negative judgements and they felt traumatic because they involved gossip and turning people against me. Now I overanalyze social situations because i feel i have to protect myself. I also feel like those are real consequences! Loss of attachment relationships is not a light thing to brush off.
Something that really helped me: you'll hurt people on some level, it's unavoidable. And they can deal with it, and ask you to apologize it necessary. Of course, be as gentle as you can! But accepting the hurt is inevitable and accepting it really helped me. People can survive your mistakes! And so can you.
When I catch myself ruminating, I ask myself what I can learn from what happened, and what I can do next. The instinct to think about what went wrong can be adaptive and helpful, but it’s important to redirect focus onto the aspects that are actually helpful (the lesson learned, and the recovery). I also try to remind myself to trust people to be at least somewhat understanding. These things have been helpful for me
I was being bullied at school and the second 'anxiety' that was described here was actually happening to me for real, like people were staring at me and commented my action, clothes and laugh at me. And this one is really hard for me to overcome and still hunts me in my adult life. Although my 'wounds' was somehow closed I can't help feeling sometimes that group of people are secretly laughing and hate me.
Being bullied all my life has about ruined me at times. It seems to have a cumulative effect as I get older. I am proud of myself for never having given up and for what I have accomplished in spite of being bullied. I thank God and people who are kind.
I thought you were going to tell the classic joke: A man gets on the bus, and sits down next to a woman with a dog sitting by her. The man says "does your dog bite?" The woman says "No, he doesn't". The man reaches down to pet the dog, and the dog snarls and bites his hand. The man looks at the woman angrily - "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite." The woman replies "that's not my dog". I think a lot of social anxiety comes from projection - I know I tend to notice little things about people, and notice mistakes they make, so I project this onto others, thinking that THEY think just like I do, and would find the faults I find, when the truth is far from that. They probably didn't notice a tenth of the things I ruminate about. Thanks for another helpful video about this problem!
I also notice little things about people and it makes me think they notice these things about me. You and I are sensitive people and most people aren’t like us. That’s a relief 😅
I needed this video today. Last week I had an interview that I walked out of feeling really good about. Then I drove the 35minutes home in silence, ruminating about everything I said and started questioning how well it actually went. I then spent the entire weekend on edge about not getting a call back even though they told me at the end that they would reach out this week for a 2nd interview. Faulty self-evaluation: I ruminated over every little thing that happened and started questioning my own experience of reality - the reality is that the interview did go fine, i’m just judging myself for not being “perfect” Everyone’s looking at me: If I don’t get this job everyone who knows I had the interview will think i’m dumb or that it’s funny I didn’t get the job - reality is no one cares that much about my life and even if those people did exist: the people who matter to me love me and won’t care that if I don’t get this particular job If I messed up it would be catastrophic: Telling myself that not having a “perfect” interview means I won’t get the job I want and that would be devastating, “i’ll never get another chance at this” - in reality it might suck, but there is no crashing or burning, and I can apply somewhere else I have to be perfect to be accepted: thinking I have to be the perfect candidate straight out of school to get the job I want - in reality they realize as a new grad I have a lot to learn still and why would i want to work for someone who expects perfection? I was called today to set up a second interview later this week. I am nervous about it, but I plan to not ruminate over it afterwards. I’ve put in the time and effort and I deserve a shot at the job I want. Wish me luck!
Thank you for sharing. I could have written this exactly. I just had my second interview, I’m currently ruminating about it, but they’ve asked for references so I think the offer is coming. We got this! Best of luck to you.
This CD has three separate relaxation/meditation sessions on it ua-cam.com/users/postUgkxzpa8CIfZcihW4Z0F_ja0QF3W9KIatrsq guided by a very pleasant and direct male voice. Unlike so many other products of its type, this CD does not have bad synthesizer music, does not feature a phony or affected style of narration, and does not make any bogus claims to be subliminal or to re-train the brain or any of that balderdash. What you get is 1. a guided meditation for getting into a pleasantly relaxed state of body awareness while taking a stroll (superb for those easing back into a fitness routine slowly after an illness or injury) 2. A nice long breath-awareness relaxation session that if followed diligently can put you into very deep states of full-body relaxation and mental calmness, and 3. a buddhist-inspired meditation session designed to help you develop and maintain feelings of loving kindness toward not just yourself and your friends, but toward people you don't even like. The CD makes no claims to be designed for advanced meditators or for buddhists or hindus/yoga practitioners looking for very deep and esoteric stuff. It is geared more toward the average person who just wants to develop the habit of relaxation and stress relief through natural, healthy means. him, if you happen to be reading this, keep up the good work fella, and I love your accent. I would also like to note that I have never fallen asleep while listening to this product. I would like to kindly suggest to the reviewer who said this CD makes him fall asleep, that he might want to get checked to see if he has a sleep disorder, or if he is simply not setting aside ample time for restful sleep at night. A healthy person getting adequate rest at night should be able to go into deep states of mental relaxation without dozing off, if not all the time, then most of the time.
My social anxiety at work has made life barely tolerable bc I've never been accepted in a job social setting thx for your videos I try to use them to get out of my head at work try to be kinder to myself 💜
"I try to use them to get out of my head " Nope, that is wrong conclusion and wrong direction. This is why CBT is wrong and detrimental to socially anxious individuals - it instructs us to self pathologize and to prolong toxic shame: deep core belief that we are weird, different and that we must fix ourselves in order to crap fit into abuse. Accept it - this overthinking is part of abuse - we were criticized relentlessly when growing up by untreated mentally ill ambient and now we overthink since we were conditioned to overthink. Overthinking is hypnosis and trauma stuck inside our body - it was survival mechanism. IT is totally normal by product of abuse. The problem is not overthinking - overthinking means our brain is functioning as it ought to function. Without this ability we would be autistic, egocentric (stuck only in our tunnel vision to ponder about) and possibly sociopaths since we would not have ability to consider what other people think and want. Accept it as Darwin evolution - we were exposed to predators and now we developed thorns like rosed developed them as reaction to predators. If we are kind, nice, if we have no evil agenda, if we have no desire to cause harm, hurt and pain to other people - there is nothing wrong with us, nothing to fix. IF we follow CBT advice to label our reaction to trauma as severe personality flaw - we will develop more anxiety and mental illness, and we will live in toxic shame: deep core ingrained belief that we are incapable to handle and manage life. Accept overthinking and manage it: cut toxic people. Think overly about who is toxic - how they act, what did they say. There are fake people out there with manipulation tools and desire to exploit other people. Abuse made us aware of toxic people and predators - and overthinking is our grown ability to detect toxic people. If we were in psychological security ambient, if we were around safe normal and kind people - we would not over think. "Sooner or later everyone encounters stressful life experiences, but HSPs react more to such stimulation. If you see this reaction as part of some basic flaw, you intensify the stress already present in any life crisis. This deeper processing of subtle details causes you to consider the past or future more. You "just know" how things got to be the way they are or how they are going to turn out. It can be wrong, but your intuition is right often enough that HSPs tend to be visionaries, more conscientious, cautious and wise people. It is important not to confuse arousal with fear. And often we think that our arousal is due to fear. We do not realize that our heart may be pounding from the sheer effort of processing extra stimulation. I really suggest trying to view it as neutral. HSPs must spend far more time trying to invent solutions to human problems just because they are more sensitive to hunger, cold, insecurity, exhaustion, and illness. Since most non-HSPs do not seem to enjoy thinking about such things, they assume we must be unhappy doing all that pondering. Spend enough time putting yourself out there in the world - your sensitivity is not something to be feared. Carl Jung believed that when highly sensitive patients has experienced a trauma, they had been unusually affected and so developed a neurosis. Preferring toughness, the culture sees our trait as something difficult to live with, something to be cured. HSPs differ mainly in their sensitive processing of subtle stimuli. This is your most basic quality." The Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine N. Aron
I have a coping mechanism to stop remination when the thought “god I’m so awkward” thoughts start popping up, I start speaking aloud. “I’m a person, I’m a person I’m a person” in between the lines I’m trying to remind myself I’m flawed and that’s okay because that makes me just like everyone else. We all feel awkward or weird. It’s okay to feel like that because it’s a human experience. The thing is I know I’m socially awkward because I’m autistic, however, most people don’t really notice. What I mean is people think of me as eccentric or say “that’s just Hailey”. They notice I’m sorta awkward but they don’t register that I’m so far behind it’s a social delay. I used to put so much pressure on myself because I want to be on the same level as my peers, and I would mask to the degree where I was close but never really matched up. I have given myself permission to be autistic. That’s helped. The less I mask the more I see example of my authentic self being accepted.
I had a therapist who told me to be mindful of every time I insult myself ("I'm so dumb!" "I'm so freaking awkward!" etc) and use a kind voice to say that no, I'm not. Basically, the "would you say that to a friend" advice, except talking to yourself. ... Unfortunately that was years ago and I still do it. 😅 But I DID start a habit of doing what you do, following up immediately with "no you're not, you're just human, everyone does stuff like that!"
Very good advice. One thing I wanted to refine a bit further from the part about egocentrism. I know when I felt anxiety in the past, part of it WASN'T that I thought everyone was looking at me all the time or everything I did. It was more that I didn't know WHAT they were looking at or noticing that I wasn't. Like a lot of people, I was bullied pretty hard for a period of middle and high school, most of it around things about myself that I didn't notice. This is an important distinction because many of us with anxiety DON'T necessarily think that EVERYONE is looking at us or paying such close attention to us. It's more that we may have had unresolved trauma in the past and we don't know where it could be coming from next. We are afraid to be unguarded and be taken by surprise. It's so important to work through trauma (and that is a PROCESS, not an event) as part of addressing social anxiety.
'Did the world end?' That's how I always ask myself when things upset me. I had to go through decades of challenging experiences to finally learn to ask this to myself before I found your helpful advice. Thank you for making these videos.
Self abuse is part of trauma. We were conditioned to fix ourselves in order to crap fit into abuse. We were made blind to see that instead of pointing finger at ourselves that we start pointing finger at toxic people, retort to them and cut contact with them. As Lundy Bancroft said: "Abuse is NOT caused by bad relationship dynamics. You can't manage your partner's abusiveness by changing your behaviour. But he wants you to think you can."
Similarly, if I make a mistake, especially at work, I try to remind myself that no one died because of my mistake. It helps me be a little bit gentler with myself.
Yeah I learned this a few years ago and it's helped me a lot. Also, going into something scary and telling myself "whatever happens, I'll be ok afterwards" or at least "I may not be ok immediately afterwards but I have the skills to take care of myself and then be ok a day or two later"
@@evercuriousmichelle "remind myself that no one died because of my mistake. It helps me be a little bit gentler with myself." We were never the problem, it was toxic people. Covert narcissists. They present themselves as friends or help but abuse us actually. We empaths and HSPs have high moral and ethical standards. That is why we are "not gentle" to ourselves. With trauma we never learned how to self validate nor how to develop self worth, self love, self expression. This way, we developed toxic empathy, toxic shame - and this trauma is stuck inside our body, it resurrects with criticism. This is critical point. Toxic people sniff us out. They know we care - so what manipulators and pathological liars will do - is that they will trigger our urge not to make mistake. They will nitpick our urge that we do not harm other people. And they will mock our lack of knowledge - even though we are much more smarter and far intelligent then bullies and abusers. How they do this? They simply criticize our mistakes - and present them as catastrophe. They do not care if we do it for the first time and when mistakes are natural and normal part of any activity. They mask this abuse, bullying and mobbing by guilt tripping us - and we are never even aware that we are being hijacked, mobbed, bullied by them. Instead - we are made to believe into guilt - and then we self blame. Then we believe that we are not gentle to ourselves, as you explained it. We live in sick, manipulative, Trump, criminally insane world with mentally ill aggressive sick people - guilt tripping honest and authentic and true people like us - since we are not evil - we do not have any reference point to recognize evil in other people - especially if they wear a mask of nice, kind, pleasant person - similar to narcissistic character Sigourney Weaver played in Working Girl (1988). As Dennett said - we are all zombies. Psychopaths are pulling our strings of empathy and play us around like toys for their agenda. We need to wake up and realize that self blame, guilt, shame we feel - stems from predators, abusers, manipulators, toxic people - masked behind good and nice people who "help" us with their control and mocking and bullying. CBT does not help in this process of waking up. CBT is example of such predators and narcissists. CBT will explain our thinking, our intelligence as nuisance, as problem. As a personality trait which is flawed, and dumb, something to destroy and suppress. "Since most non-HSPs do not seem to enjoy thinking about solutions, they assume we must be unhappy doing all that pondering. Preferring toughness, the culture sees our trait as something difficult to live with, something to be cured." The Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine N. Aron
This is something I’ve had since I was young. I tend to get anxious around people and catastrophize after talking to someone. Gets annoying, I try to breathe and realize I can’t control other’s perceptions. I’m a theatre major and this is something I’m still working on.❤️
Problem is I had a sibling who did analyze everything I said or did and called it stupid al of my young life and now this is replaying in my head in every new encounter
Few people out there have nothing better to do than analyze... Siblings... well... That's a sibling thing. We seem to be programmed as siblings to give each other crap. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother dearly. He must care, too, or he wouldn't get me more armor to wear every time he scares himself on a motorcycle. haha... BUT we aggravate each other almost as much as Sam and Dean Winchester... There may be families with a different dynamic, but I haven't found any. ;o)
@@gnarthdarkanen7464 I try to tell myself lifetime of sibling crap should make be stronger out there, but, not necessarily somehow. If I could only be as able to defend myself with others as I can with siblings!
@@janebraun4482 Well, maybe growing up with a semi-absent narcissistic father (who knew the SoB was actually doing us favors being gone)... Might've had something to do with my case... ...OR I might just have a natural penchant for giving at least as good or bad as I get. I don't really know. For some, the natural instinct is to hold back from how they'd normally "unload both barrels" like they do with family... For others, family crap was like training in boot-camp and they just let fly at the drop of a hat... I DO really try to hold myself up long enough to analyze whether or not "retaliatory fire" is warranted... BUT when it is (or when I simply get triggered too fast to think about it) stand by... I've sent grown men running off in tears... and I was a teen at the time. I've since spent 4 years in the "Gator Navy" shipping Marines and Sealteams overseas. I've learned and expanded upon my vocal munitions and whatever inhibitions I've ever had were long ago destroyed. I still try not to be TOO inappropriately nasty, but it just doesn't always work out so well... haha... I'll stick by the "Give as good (or bad) as you get." though. It's a fair principle. Might take some personal refining, but it seems to work. ;o)
I have about 40 of those (done over a life of 50 years) and my brain replays my mess ups in HD, thereby reinforcing self loathing. I am going to watch this over and over - thank you so much.
I've come to realize my social anxiety is much worse when I'm well rested. I guess the mind-fog of being slightly groggy just doesn't lend itself to overthinking. If I'm an hour or two short on sleep, I can chat up that girl at the coffee shop without being nervous or be more calm in a job interview. It might not be my best self, but it is my less neurotic self.
Thanks for sharing, that's really interesting to me as I'm the exact opposite. If I am not well rested my thoughts get more frantic, I feel even less confident and every little thing makes me ruminate. Being well rested makes me more stable and calm.
I have social anxiety disorder and I just got back home from visiting my sister. We had a great time in the moment but I was literally ruminating and feeling bad about the interaction when I clicked this video to watch it. The feelings I give myself while doing this kind of thinking, which I can't seem to stop after every social interaction that's not with my inner circle, make me not want to interact at all. Thank you for the video!
One issue I deal with on top of what she talks about here is that ANYTIME someone complements me, I’m convinced they are actually being condescending or feel sorry for me. For example, at the gym someone says. “Hey good job today” I think that they are referring to how slow I was going on the treadmill or rower. If someone says “I like your dress” I think they must be trying to think of something to say because the dress looks bad on me & they have to perform societal niceties. I hate it.
I usually overthink before a social interaction happens, like if i want to text a friend that I haven't spoken to in years I'm always super scared they will respond negatively to me texting them all of a sudden, or that they're mad at me for not texting them earlier. This often makes me just avoid texting them alltogether.
I started crying by the end of the video, the teeny weeny detail of FEELING FEELINGS. This is so crucial to me. Thank you Emma. You truly are special. (Oh btw, just sharing how much time I spent elaborating this comment, more so because English is not my first language. Reason, of course: Emma and the community would destroy my life if I mess up the grammar and the spelling in a comment under a video - typing on the phone, the King of Misspelling Not On Purpose 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂) Love to all. I mean it. (And yes, I'm feeling awkward and inappropriate saying this 😂😂😂) 💖.
We want to be perfect because we were abuse, traumatized and conditioned into perfectionism. Problem is not overthinking, it is abuse and trauma that is stuck inside our body.
It is such a human thing to consider what it is that we said to someone and shows sensitivity, emotional intelligence and empathy. It is when this anxiety which is often a critical, negative, or fearful voice which becomes larger than the voice of self assurance that it becomes debilitating. You have got this whoever you are. We know are now about Neuroplasticity more than ever before and it is possible to overcome the extreme feelings of social anxiety, to befriend the fearful internal voice, to acknowledge and be with it with it gently, so it is here as a smaller quieter voice and therefore feeling which we can use as a check in rather than a voice which overpowers our true nature. Such a good informed video. Thank you Emma as always. Much love, Marie-Louise from Cornwall UK 🤩
1. Emotional reasoning- if i feel embarassed, i must have been awkward. I remember feeling anxious, so it must have been weird or cringe. Whereas if you imagine the same situation with you having felt confident over what you had said, then it often doesn't appear as bad. So your experience of the event is making you see it dofferently than it objectively was. 2. If a friend had done it, what would you have thought of them? Would you evaluate them this harshly? 3. Depression activates your default mode network. Nobody else is thinking about you this much. Instead they're probably conscious of how they themselves acted. So shift yourself as the center of the world and think about other people for a bit. 4. If i did act awkward and the person doesn't like me anymore then is my survival in the present moment of here and now under threat. Is my security in this moment under threat? 5. Every single other person has also been awkward and cringe as well. All of us are allowed to be imperfect and say stupid things every once in a while.
This was so helpful. I'd rather, have people who are real not necessarily perfect, people who make mistakes and get back up and so it's okay for me to not be perfect.
Thanks for giving me a term for this. I compare it to my experiences acting on stage. For me when I'm on stage, I'm in the moment, I'm rolling with the situation, and I'm confident (because I have to be -the show must go on). And it's not until after I'm off stage that I have the opportunity to replay and evaluate the performance in my mind. Maybe that's a healthy way to hone craft, but I let that mentality follow me into social interactions and the result is sometimes enjoying myself at social events, and then having to hide from the world for several days to sort through and unpack all the perfectionist self-loathing that follows as my brain slowly processes every social moment I didn't deftly execute.
I was just thinking as I left work today how I felt panicky because I was worried some of the interactions I had with parents and coworkers was weird because I wasn’t in a very focused head space. So I was ruminating about all of the conversations I had over the course of the day trying to figure out what went wrong and caused the way I was feeling. I didn’t realize that my anxiety wasn’t because I did/said something stupid, but because I was looking for it. Thank you for this incredibly helpful video!!
This will help my kid so well. We started working on this about 3 days ago and he feeling optimistic. This will really help to put what I've been telling him in a new way
I thought I had social anxiety before I watched this video, and wow, that's just been confirmed. I already know most of what was said in the video, but having it spelled out so clearly is amazing. Also, I'm saving this in my playlist now for self-soothing whenever I need a reminder. Can't thank you enough for this one.
Absolutely wonderful video! I had this realization while I was watching this that sometimes when people come up to talk to me but I get so swept up in the moment of ‘oh my goodness this person is talking to me, I don’t wanna disappoint them, I want to help them with whatever they need help with it be attentive’ that I end up getting so fixated on the fact that I’m having a social interaction and I’m not actually being attentive and helpful like I want to be. Which then causes me to have miscommunication with that person and overall just awkward interaction. Such a weird form of self sabotage.
Never watched a video on the channel before this one, but I needed every last bit of this video. I am in a particular community situation right now where I've been super-open with everybody, I seem to be the only one to have cared deeply about a particular happening, and now I'm so embarrassed that I can't face the group other than to tell them I can't be around them because I turned my experience with them into something traumatic for me. So...yeah. Thank you so much for this video. I'm prone to rumination through nature (level 1 autism) AND nurture (parents who loved them some hindsight fallacy), so the loops in my brain are horrible.
"They see us as timid, shy, weak, or unsociable. Fearing these labels, we try to be like others. But that leads to our becoming overaroused and distressed. Then that gets us labeled neurotic or crazy, first by others then by ourselves. The Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine N. Aron" "Sooner or later everyone encounters stressful life experiences, but HSPs react more to such stimulation. If you see this reaction as part of some basic flaw, you intensify the stress already present in any life crisis. This deeper processing of subtle details causes you to consider the past or future more. You "just know" how things got to be the way they are or how they are going to turn out. It can be wrong, but your intuition is right often enough that HSPs tend to be visionaries, more conscientious, cautious and wise people. It is important not to confuse arousal with fear. And often we think that our arousal is due to fear. We do not realize that our heart may be pounding from the sheer effort of processing extra stimulation. I really suggest trying to view it as neutral. HSPs must spend far more time trying to invent solutions to human problems just because they are more sensitive to hunger, cold, insecurity, exhaustion, and illness. Since most non-HSPs do not seem to enjoy thinking about such things, they assume we must be unhappy doing all that pondering. Spend enough time putting yourself out there in the world - your sensitivity is not something to be feared. Carl Jung believed that when highly sensitive patients has experienced a trauma, they had been unusually affected and so developed a neurosis. Preferring toughness, the culture sees our trait as something difficult to live with, something to be cured. HSPs differ mainly in their sensitive processing of subtle stimuli. This is your most basic quality." The Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine N. Aron
I'm a major perfectionist but I had no idea that also caused my social anxiety before I watched this video. Like of all of the videos I've watched, yours is the first that I feel has actually given me some real insight into myself. I can count the number of people I'm my real self with on one hand. It's not something and do on purpose and has actually been a major source of frustration with myself. I just get so stuck in my head that I have trouble so much as talking because I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing. Thinking about it now, that's obviously perfectionism, but in my head it's always been about concern for the other person and not wanting to do or say anything bad on accident.
genuinely this is why i force myself in social situations- i cannot survive being socially anxious anymore but it’s so hard getting out of the cycle. sometimes it feels like progress but rn. at this moment. i mean i searched for a vid to explain. so we’re down bad
Thank you for this video! It's really helpful like all your videos are. This year I noticed my social anxiety got better ironically because I said something really hurtful to someone without meaning It and they got mad at me and comfronted me about It, and I apologized (ofc) and took It well. I noticed It wasn't that bad like I thought in my head. I learned about It and will try to not doing It again, but I didn't beat myself up about It. It's not the end of the world! It's not a comfortable feeling, hurting someone unwillingly, but you're ok. You're human. You are still loved regardless. Try your best but relax and be compassionate with yourself, always~
I'm a they/them system and this is the kind of rumination my alters go through all the time. I try to self-parent and guide them through their own social anxieties. It doesn't matter what kind of person(s) you are, if you do the work, you will make progress. Keep it up! Remember that you matter ❤
thank you, this video is amazing. Through out the video, some of the sentences you said really hit me.. i don't know if i ever get vulnerable around my friends or stop putting them and their feelings first, but atleast now i kinda understand what's happening and that i might actually suffer from anxiety so.. thank you again :)
Very useful and reassuring tips! The best thing we might do while socializing is to relax and be ourselves, and accept that some people will like us, others won't, and that's life.
I have just moved to a different country and I have to learn the language, I have this kind of anxiety every time I have tried to speak and made mistakes (which happens a lot). I know that I can only learn by trying, and I re-watch this video every time I feel stupid for speaking in a weird way, it helps ♥️
Dang, this video described my issues perfectly! I was looking for a video to find out why i feel sad after a social gathering, and this video sums it up. I think i'll use those tips so that things can feel so much less tense all the time around people.
This is the one issue I have though....we can say "it wasn't the end of the world" or "it really wasnt that bad, people dont think about it as much as you think" but then there are those exceptions where that one person in the group is always saying something weird and everyone will talk about them etc. like we can't just sweep those under the rug... those examples of people do exist and the only thing that fixes that are actual changes to how they communicate not just habit forming of not caring.
These vids are incredible enlightening. I used to think that there was a lot wrong with me and now that I think about it, my parents didnt know how to proces emotions in a more healthy way.
Thank you so much for this. I never thought that trying to act "perfect" in social situations was taking away from me real connections with people, it makes so much sense now
I just left a family function where I felt like I shouldn't have said something. People were making racist remarks and I told them I disagreed and its wrong to speak/think that way and got a bit emotional. Afterwards, I was wishing I just shut up. Sometimes it does take guts to do the right thing when everyone seems to be agreeing with something wrong. Anxiety is a beast you can't win against and if I said nothing, I would have felt like a coward and ruminated on that. I was scrolling through UA-cam and saw this video. It made me feel so much better and reminded me of some of the skills I've learned in CBT. Thanks for sharing this. 👍
I get really uncomfortable when I’m driving and I feel like people are staring at me, judging me, thinking I’m ugly, thinking I’m aggressive, etc.. I tell myself to stop thinking like that, but sometimes drivers do look at me, stare at me in their mirrors, etc… and then it feels like I was right. Road rage is bad in my city and I try to blend in as much as possible. I wish I could fix my thoughts so I wouldn’t be scared
I thought I was the only one. It is seriously debilitating to feel scared to drive because of that. Hard to motivate myself to go to work, or just out to get some groceries for the home. I get anxiety of people the moment I leave the house. "Okay, my neighbors who sort of know me are judging me". The way I walk or the way I look. (I was bullied for how I walked back in school) Then I get in the car and think all the other drivers are judging me passing by or at the stop light. THEN I get to the grocery store and that's a whole other story lol. I also have phone anxiety and I get anxiety when someone knocks on the door. I sometimes feel alienated from the world. Like I can't function like a normal human and do normal human things. I have no issue talking to strangers online though, go figure. It makes it hard to live life at this point.
I have been a stay at home mom for 4 years now and the social anxiety is unreal now!!!!!! Anyone from my mom to a stranger, I’m constantly ruminating and analyzing and picking out tiny things that I said that were awkward or cringy & MAN it’s exhausting. I’m about to watch this video everyday until it’s memorized 😅🤣
Felt the same after running a daycare for several years. It was an exhausting job and when I’d have social engagements, all I had in my conversational repertoire were the needs of a preschooler, children songs and activities, potty training and diaper changes, etc. I thought it was important work and still do but I didn’t feel accepted in social circles of my professional friends during that period of my life, which now looking back, was perhaps in my head because my friends still accept me, but that feeling of inadequacy was real.
That is not social anxiety. Googling your symptoms and self diagnosing is bad idea. Social anxiety is being in job situation with bullying, mobbing and abuse. Staying home is agoraphobia. "Since most non-HSPs do not seem to enjoy thinking about solutions, they assume we must be unhappy doing all that pondering. Preferring toughness, the culture sees our trait as something difficult to live with, something to be cured." The Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine N. Aron -- "They see us as timid, shy, weak, or unsociable. Fearing these labels, we try to be like others. But that leads to our becoming overaroused and distressed. Then that gets us labeled neurotic or crazy, first by others then by ourselves. The Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine N. Aron" "Sooner or later everyone encounters stressful life experiences, but HSPs react more to such stimulation. If you see this reaction as part of some basic flaw, you intensify the stress already present in any life crisis. This deeper processing of subtle details causes you to consider the past or future more. You "just know" how things got to be the way they are or how they are going to turn out. It can be wrong, but your intuition is right often enough that HSPs tend to be visionaries, more conscientious, cautious and wise people. It is important not to confuse arousal with fear. And often we think that our arousal is due to fear. We do not realize that our heart may be pounding from the sheer effort of processing extra stimulation. I really suggest trying to view it as neutral. HSPs must spend far more time trying to invent solutions to human problems just because they are more sensitive to hunger, cold, insecurity, exhaustion, and illness. Since most non-HSPs do not seem to enjoy thinking about such things, they assume we must be unhappy doing all that pondering. Spend enough time putting yourself out there in the world - your sensitivity is not something to be feared. Carl Jung believed that when highly sensitive patients has experienced a trauma, they had been unusually affected and so developed a neurosis. Preferring toughness, the culture sees our trait as something difficult to live with, something to be cured. HSPs differ mainly in their sensitive processing of subtle stimuli. This is your most basic quality." The Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine N. Aron --- Learning to see our trait as a neutral thing-useful in some situations, not in others-but our culture definitely does not see it, or any trait, as neutral. Be careful about accepting labels for yourself such as "inhibited", "introverted", "shy" The Highly Sensitive Person,E. Aron
This is the best pep talk on social anxiety I have heard. I was starting to dread these rumination sessions so much that I wanted to avoid events in general. But I really do like people and want close connections, so I tough it out every time. I will really try to remember your 3 pointers next time!!!
I get extremely anxious even from interactions with people who *aren't* my friends\anyone else who I want to build a connection and lasting relationship. With people that I'm trying to be friends with I'm actually, mostly, pretty chill and open unless I'm going through things. But if it's some random store clerk or even worse my doctor I get SUPER anxious. Those people, objectively, do not care about my mess ups, I might never meet them ever again, they might forget about me the second I leave the room... and yet I still get super worked up if I said something stupid or did something awkward with those people. For example this week I had a GP appointment, new doctor I've never met before, and I haven't went to clinics in years so I barely have any "experience" in this social environment. I went there with a goal to get an appointment with a different specialist and nothing more. Tldr, after a bunch of misunderstandings from both sides I got signed up for completely unrelated clinical exams that I did not need and didn't get the appointment I needed. I obviously ended up cancelling\skipping every appointment I was signed up for and seeking out a different GP. Seems like a pretty cut and dry situation, some discomfort and awkwardness, sure, but the issue got resolved, just move on, right? No. After I decided to cancel and skip my exams I spent the whole evening anxiously crying about how the doctors will judge and hate me, how I won't be able to face them ever again and if I'll ever need anything from them they'll ask me a bunch of questions that i can't answer or explain my behavior.... also I'm 20 and they're all like in their 50s-60s and are clearly underpaid and overworked so getting yelled at by them is super easy... and oh boy do I break down when someone yells at me... I'm not sure what to do in these cases since I can't really apply the mindset of "I can be vulnerable and make mistakes, after all that's what makes these relationships real"... I don't want a real relationship with my GP I just want to get in and get out without getting shat at ; ; I understand that they don't give a crap, that's what I've been told by everyone for like the past 10 years: don't worry about what others think, they have themselves to worry about and will likely forget your missteps anyway. But I really cannot internalize this idea... my brain understands but my "heart" doesnt. I know they don't care but I get *extreme* anxiety from it anyway.
Very lucky there is a video on this topic BY A THERAPIST! I knew I was doing this overthinking ruminating thing after an event last night and sharing highlights on social media. I did not have the language to describe this phenomenon but here it is. Ugh, so grateful!
This sounds great for friendships but when ruminating about actions you did with your boss, coworkers, etc it’s harder. Because you don’t necessarily want (or should) show your true vulnerability. And if you made mistakes they’ll not be like good friends and accept you and they might judge u and base off their future decisions based on that. I need help 😢
Oh my God, thank God I found this video. I've been feeling terrible for the past few years, not being able to make friends because of this and thinking that everyone's looking at me when they're not. I thank you for making this video.
I constantly feel like I'm offensive to everyone I talk too, to a point where I avoid interactions. I've even told myself not to talk too much but you can never predict where the conversation will go. But if someone else has said something offensive it doesnt bother me, I just look at them as being human.This video will help me so much, thank you.
As usual it feels really insightful yet I know full well that when it comes to the crunch, none of what is said here is going to change what's going on for me socially. It's almost like platitudes at this stage. I watched the video, I went out, I found myself in a social situation completely petrified, I couldn't wait to escape. Then I felt terrible afterwards about the bridges I've burnt and how disappointed I am in myself This is my life.
It's difficult at the beginning to install new pattern of thinking , you need to forgive yourself and try to let yourself feel those emotions and be vulnerable so you can connect with your friends
I embarrass myself or hurt peoples feelings accidently all the time and people accidently and on purpose hurt my feelings all the time. Not everyone is going to like you and that's ok, that's their problem. Life is too short to worry about what other people who don't like you think or feel, only people who are close to you and care about you are worthy of your consideration.
A couple of things I would like to contribute. 1. This is to elaborate on the point of egocentrism. Try to understand that in the same way you are not hyper analyzing/scrutinizing their actions, they are not doing that to you or your actions. A lot of the things that you might fixate on are things they might not have even noticed or thought strange at all. 2. In good friendships, those “awkward” things you do and say become features and not bugs. Definitely aim for friendships that have the same comfort level as a relationship with a sibling. To get there, you will have to open up, but the resulting friendships will be completely natural and you won’t feel like you’re walking on eggshells.
This is very healing. Thank you so much for this - I could have used this a long time ago. And just to be clear, if you live in the south… people ARE looking at you. Southerners have a very poor sense of what I like to call “eyeball courtesy” 😅 but anyway.. I already have come so far in this area in my journey away from perfectionism and toward authenticity. (I owe it all to Brené Brown) Just the other day there was a get together with ladies from the apartment building. I was battling between my anxiety and wanting to go and I shifted my focus to my values - I value being brave, growth, and making connections. And I thought that’s the best thing to be is someone who’s brave, wants to grow, and finds other people interesting. It gave me the courage to go and have such a lovely time ☺️
I vividly remember the last two times I hugged a male friend longer than they hugged me. I just forgot to start letting go. I felt so much shame and my mind reeled with all the conjectures they might have made based on that. I know consciously that they probably forgot within seconds. But I still cringe when I think about both times. One was a week ago and one was 2.5 years ago.
Great video, very helpful suggestions! On a personal note after a serious trauma and PTSD diagnosis- this is exactly how I operate….distorted view, rumination etc. I have been learning how to redirect thoughts and rumination, but now I have more tools to add to better cope. Thank you! Very helpful information.
i'm basically my own therapist and when analyzing myself i noticed a lot of toxic behaviors that I’ve had for years. lately I’ve been teaching myself that the world doesn’t revolve around me, i don’t need anyone's validation and it’s totally okay to mess up.
What I've done recently is to lean into it if you are admittedly awkward; it's just who you are and that's ok. I find when I accept it, interactions almost go even better. I noticed too that there's awkward and then there's *awkward* where you say something that might even go so far to offend someone. People really only mentally mark down the latter. The former is only marked down if you're so over the top you're incredibly annoying that you're not reading the room - being too loud consistently, not letting people talk, etc. Being awkward really isn't THAT big of a deal to most folks - people only notice if you disturb them, not if you merely break the "usual" flow of conversation.
You just described me exactly and what I’ve struggled with since childhood. I know you weren’t talking to me exactly but when you said “it’s ok to feel feelings” I may have teared up a bit because I don’t think anyone has ever said that to me. Thank you for your videos.
5:36 No, it's not that I'm thinking that "I'm the centre of their world", I'm thinking that I'm looking so awkward and nervous trying to look as casual as possible, that it really shows and makes me stand out from other people who *are* casual.
Yes! I hate how people try to twist being worried about how you’re viewed by others into narcissism. It’s literally a survival mechanism. It’s so gross how people will do little underhanded, sly jabs to imply anxious people are narcissistic or self absorbed. 😡
I hardly regret things I've done or said. But I do overthink a lot and regret when I did NOT do or say something. "I should have reacted this way" "I should have just left at that point" "I should have told him/her to get lost and call him/her out on their behavior" I don't know if that's social anxiety or simply being painfully aware that I'm a pushover never reacting as I should have.
Loved this video, so helpful. Thank you. It helped me shift my perspective: Instead of “I didn’t do/say what I should have done/said,” it’s “I deserve to experience human interaction even though perfect interactions do not exist.” I have to remember that my personally is actually pretty great and anyone is lucky to have my time/attention/energy! Also reading the comments makes me feel less alone and there’s lots of good advice there too. 😊
My summary - ‘You ruminate in an attempt to avoid feeling feelings, and feeling vulnerable. Or it can be an attempt to avoid feeling fear. It is backfiring. Nothing and no one is perfect - that is human.
I used to have depression and anxiety , I found it hard to socialize with people Until a friend of mine who recovered from PTSD introduced me to mushroom Am happy to say that I no longer feel depressed or have any anxiety whatsoever. ...
I wasn’t big on CBT as a therapist and helped clients with social anxiety. It often co-occurs with being autistic / ADHD so providing Neurodivergent affirming care and helping clients unmask (where safe) and practice self compassion was way more helpful. A lot of these difficult core beliefs that elicit shame come from the trauma of being a neurodivergent person.
My preferred term for it is “perseveration” or “perseverative thinking.” I guess because I’m not a ruminant. Turns out I’m short four stomachs. Ok, joking aside: I am 54 years old and was diagnosed Aspie in my forties. In retrospect it should have been pretty obvious… except I was coming of age in the 70s/early 80s. Hans Asperger’s work hadn’t even been translated into English yet, so a lot of us slipped through the cracks. Obviously, everybody on the spectrum prior to Kanner and Asperger had to integrate themselves into society without help also… but it’s fascinating to see all the advances in the last two decades. Bottom line: for me, just knowing that the basis for most of my issues were not psychological but neurological helped me recontextualize my entire life in retrospect. This was a few years ago, and once my emotions died down, I found I was able to curb my perseverations much better than before.
It’s so interesting how some people are unapologetically themselves to others and then there’s the rest of us who are constantly overthinking about how we come across.
It’s also interesting to see how refreshing it is to see someone who is real and authentically themselves, even for their flaws. I have general and social anxiety, and basically anyone I know either knows this about me or eventually finds out, because I’ve decided not to hide it anymore. I’m working on it instead. Wearing that “shame” right on my sleeve is kinda helpful, because a lot of people relate and haven’t had the courage to display that vulnerability. Turns out I’m not such a weirdo after all.
word.
@@mariecarie1 so true! I’m glad you’re doing life being authentically you! Many don’t have the courage at all. I’m trying to be better about it, the overthinking is a long term illness I sometimes don’t even realize I still struggle with. I’m trying to get better though.
@@GetKaseFit It’s a struggle to be sure. It’s a process. I won’t say I’m always 100% authentic-like, at all-but I’m working on it. It’s a fine line between riding social norms and being your authentic self sometimes. The norms are necessary for basic human interaction, but it’s easy for those of us with anxiety to let them rule over us in a destructive way.
@@GetKaseFit And yes, you’re right-we internalize our thinking fallacies to a point we don’t even recognize them. We were never taught how to identify them in the first place! We don’t realize we’re overthinking until someone points it out, or after a LOT of practice. It’s work to get better. But it’s good work, and worth it.
Still feeling terrible and shameful after yeeeeears of saying something stupid
Please don’t! Many have already forgotten and have moved on. Thanks
You can share the story here, with us. Opening up usually helps. What was the stupid thing?
Complex trauma.
Complex trauma describes both children's exposure to multiple traumatic events-often of an invasive, interpersonal nature-and the wide-ranging, long-term effects of this exposure. These events are severe and pervasive, such as abuse or profound neglect.
The therapist said you should shift your attention to the things and people present around you, and stop that egocentrism.
It helped me A LOT realizing that i remember a lot of my "awkward behaviours" but i do not remember one awkward thing that any other human being have done, absoluyely none. So i'm sure that we only remember things that we think were quirky but no one else remember quirky things that others have done so just fuc* it!
(English is not my first language)
"We suffer more in imagination than in reality."
-Seneca
okay why did that actually help tho
@@missbear2385The things we fear very rarely ever happen. Though we can't control what thoughts come into our minds, we can control what thoughts we choose to entertain. So, focus on positive, constructive & uplifting things.
"You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this and you will find great strength."
-Marcus Aurelius
All the best!
@@Belief_Before_Glory thanks love
@@Belief_Before_Glory except for when they do happen
@@dallymoo7816 Hi Dally Moo, Even when they do happen, albeit infrequently, we can, oftentimes, glean valuable life lessons from these challenging experiences...
"What would have become of Hercules do you think if there had been no lion, hydra, stag or boar - and no savage criminals to rid the world of? What would he have done in the absence of such challenges? Obviously he would have just rolled over in bed and gone back to sleep. So by snoring his life away in luxury and comfort he never would have developed into the mighty Hercules. And even if he had, what good would it have done him? What would have been the use of those arms, that physique, and that noble soul, without crises or conditions to stir into him action?"
-Epictetus.
All the best!
A few years back, I was really struggling with depression and mental health issues. I was hooked on cigarettes and alcohol, but then my wife suggested I try psilocybin mushroom therapy. Honestly, it saved my life. It's been 11 years since I've been totally clean. Those shrooms are like a miracle.
Microdosing helped me get out of the pit of my worst depressive episode, a three year long episode enough to start working on my mental health
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in UK. Really need
He's Shane.myco
The shroom experience stands as my most remarkable journey, an awe-inspiring encounter that left an indelible mark of amazement.
He’s on insta?
Two things i learnt that maybe some people can benefit from too:
-awkward situations are not bad. They're just awkward.
-if you try to remember something awkward someone else did, you will probably fail, and most people wont remember yours either.
That's a great litmus test. LOL We seem to hold ourselves to an impossible standard, while showing grace and kindness to others in similar situations.
The show Impractical Jokers has unexpectedly helped me through my social anxiety. If you haven’t seen it, it’s basically a prank show where 4 friends dare each other to do and say the most embarrassing and awkward things in public. Most of the situations are anyone’s worst social nightmare even for people who don’t have social anxiety. Moral of the story: none of the 4 friends die from embarrassment. They survive.
Great show. And a great point! I see Santiago sent you
That’s a great take on that show,thanks for the tip
I know exactly what show you're talking about and I actually stopped watching it after a couple of episodes b/c it made me cringe with anxiety :D
And The Office helped me a lot. Seeing them in awkward situations made me see that everyone is having the same experiences. I felt more connected
1.) faulty self evaluation - name your emotions and let go of self judgment
2.) “everyone’s looking at me” - shift your attention outwards
3.) “if I messed up it would be catastrophic” - you’re safe, even if you did mess up you’d be okay
4.) “I have to be perfect to be accepted” I value real human connection and all the feelings that come with it
Cheers man
Thankyou
Thank you. This Comment made me cry from relief. I really needed read that.
I think what therapists ignore with this is that people who grew up bullied as children feel everyone is looking and judging them because that's what happened. I don't think people would believe the comments, and jokes that I got as a child and still get today just walking through a store. People notice everything. People make rude comments to your face. And those of us that are autistic have people come up to them and bully them still. I just had some guy at a grocery store charge up to me and accuse me of being the person who dented his car. I had no idea why. He said it was because I look weird and I didn't have a cart. He literally singled me out because I'm autistic. Honestly, I don't want to connect with people. People are terrible, rude and obnoxious.
I feel you. I’m also autistic and that’s all I could think about with this video and reading the comments. It’s arguably, in some ways, a lot more difficult and traumatic when it’s not just social anxiety but autism, even ADHD. I didn’t know I was on the spectrum until a couple years ago (I just turned 30) and I’ve still never been able to get over all of the bullying because it wasn’t just social anxiety that made me susceptible, it was growing up an undiagnosed autistic. The continual failed social interactions, lack of friendships and empathy from others just kept piling up. It’s very much an affect of trauma and continually being traumatized from bullying and misunderstandings.
Yeah, this. I have ADHD and I grew up constantly rejected by adults and peers for just being incapable of acting normal. I'd say things that I thought were completely innocuous only to be met with fear and disgust. It's kinda hard to tell myself that I don't need to overanalyze my interactions when overanalyzing my interactions is how I became tolerable to be around. I'm afraid that if I stop ruminating, I'll fall back into old patterns and the friends I gained by acting more normally will reject me.
I think this comment deserves thousands more likes
Having been bullied myself it can have serious consequences to be misjudged. Job loss, mistakes in court, medical mistakes etc.
I also have autism and ADHD, and I can agree, social situations are hard. For some reason, anytime a stranger even looks at me in public, especially in the eyes, my heart starts beating and I feel intimidated by them and immediately turn my head away from them, like I feel like they're judging me inside. Thinking on it, it's like, maybe I'm overthinking, but I've also been bullied a lot in school and that has really destroyed my confidence and self esteem. I tend to internalize every little comment or look I get from others since I'm sensitive, and that has made me feel like I'm too sensitive and that I need to change in order to 'survive' and to be strong. I also struggle with so much perfectionism with the way I speak and interact with others, even friends I know well. Like I feel so awkward when I speak sometimes, and I'm always worried about how I come across and how clear I am (even though most of my friends and family tell me I speak clearly). I'm trying to tell myself that everyone makes mistakes and that I'm okay. Even though things are hard, I am getting through it and I'm slowly building confidence in myself. I feel like the answer to all of it is to try to think higher of yourself and build yourself up so that it's harder for others to knock you down. Social anxiety is hard, but you are stronger than your social anxiety. I promise things will get better with patience. But I'm honestly fine with my small circle of friends, I don't care for making new friends now. When you spend time with people who _really_ love and accept you for who you are, that can fuel you.
I once had a therapist who said, "Don't be so hard on yourself. Don't try so hard to please others. Relax and enjoy life more."
My therapist told me, “Don’t should all over yourself.” As in, thinking, “I should’ve said this, should’ve done that, shouldn’t have said or done this,” etc. There’s self-eval, and then there’s “should”ing, or rumination. An interesting way to remind myself not to judge myself more harshly than I’d judge anyone else.
Trauma stuck inside our body make us prolong invalidation and self hatred.
Instruction to label our overthinking as pathology will continue trauma, abuse, invalidation and self hatred.
"Any attempt to dictate what thoughts, feelings, and sensations are proper or improper creates a breeding ground for guilt and shame."
Peter A. Levine
@@mariecarie1 your therapist liked Albert Ellis then!
but it's easier said than done.
@@rachaelb2381 Yes, you're right! I'm still having trouble with it.
Something I discovered recently that has greatly helped me with this kind of anxiety is telling myself since I’m allowed to be a human and take up some space, any person who nit-picks at me or watches or listens to me trying to catch me doing something bad, THEY are the weirdo. Why are they listening in on my convo? Why are they talking crap about my outfit? They’re the ones who need to find a life and not be so obsessed with me.
This has helped me in so many other areas too. I have struggled with jealousy in my current relationship and would fixate on who my bf was looking at or talking to. If a thought like that comes up I tell myself: I’m worth receiving kind and respectful treatment and if it turns out he really is being unfaithful, that’s on him. He can carry that guilt and look like a massive jerk. It sounds mean but it ultimately helps me treat him fairly while lifting my self esteem back up.
This! What a brilliant coping technique! I've been thinking how weird it actually is when people do that. To me it sounds like some form of obsession or even fetishism. You're 100% right! You're brave for switching your perspective on that.
@@rezajankov5671 thank you for saying that! I think a lot of my fears about what others are thinking about me might be just in my head. But yeah I’m thankful I found a way to release myself from that. A couple weeks ago my bf and I were having a tense conversation in my apartment. Not yelling, just serious. Later my bf said “I think your neighbors were outside the window and heard us” and in the past I would have felt humiliated and worried about what they were thinking. But instead I responded to him with “really? If they were listening in then how creepy.” It’s a little more freedom I’m giving myself and I recommend it
@@MiciousDawn I just say, "Let them listen then".
I remember having a great time at a party, going home and feeling horrible bc I felt like such a failure. I had a great time at the party, and so did everyone else. But my brain just kept thinking that I must have done something wrong at some points.
Did you drink alcohol ?? That could be why it is a depressant
@@dallymoo7816 No, I just turned 21, and only drink at my home for now until I get a feel for how it affects me.
Same here. Sometimes when I've had particularly good social interactions with family or friends I go home and feel bad or even cry because I think I was acting out of character or too erratic and what they might think of me now. It defenitely stems from being judged harshly during childhood and I got extremely guarded as a teen not sharing much of my personality. So now when I do share my true personality I feel almost exposed and very vulnerable and I'm scared it's bad and that I'm going to be judged for it. Just remind yourself that you're good enough the way you are and that you don't need others approval.
🥺☹️ this is how I feel currently. This is what brought me to this video.
This is ALL I do EVERY DAY AND EVERY NIGHT even when I have a day by myself, I'm either replaying work interactions (that are 90% negative because I'm hyper vigilant and reactive). OR I'm replaying childhood/early adulthood traumatic events.
Rumination is ALL I do and I don't know how to get out.
...I'm simply wired for protection
You’re not wired like this. Like B said, there’s a history there. Plus in general human brains do tend to remember negative events more than positive ones. Like most celebrities say in interviews, they don’t read comments because out of 100 nice ones, it’s the 1 negative one that they’ll remember and will stick with them.
So no one is exempt from it! Very very few people and I think the rest of us have to really work at it.
B’s book recommendation sounds interesting. I would look that up. My personal recommendations are:
1. Therapy. Like in the video, try to follow these guidelines and try and rewatch it as many times as you need, take notes, and apply them to your life to interrupt these thoughts. Seeing a therapist of your own will help a lot too in terms of accountability and helping you get to the root of it al.
2. Meditation. It’s something I’m exploring because I struggle with this too. It helps you be in the moment at every present moment and train your mind to be that way instead of stuck in the past or worried about the future. So if you’re washing the dishes, you will just be focused and present at washing dishes or listening to the music you’re listening to while washing dishes. Not thinking about an event from earlier that morning or years past. I find that helps a lot.
Training the mind is a lot of work but definitely worth it! So we won’t have to live in misery and anxiety anymore and just have more pleasant interactions all around. More friends, more joy, more laughs, more fun! I definitely want to say at the end of my life that I laughed a lot.
Hope you find your methods that help you too and take these recommendations into consideration.
Wishing all the best of luck to all of us on this journey!
@@bksvdb do you recall the author of this book?
@@mp5690 It's by Eckhart Tolle
@@mp5690 Echart Tolle wrote that book.
One reason I love Emma's videos is because she addresses us like she's just a good friend who wants to help. And knows a lot about mental health.
That is one of the reasons I love her channel. I sense her real desire to help others.
Agree🙏
She gives me the best vibes ever!
There's always something to learn from Emma's videos!
"Why did I say that?", that was exactly what I said after I got home and started to think about all the things I said in my first day of internship. I felt irrationally terrible!
i feel you... this thought wouldn't leave me in peace for my whole previous year of school as i went to a new school for the first time. that's when social anxiety literally punched me hard in the face. i discovered a lot of my insecurities but at the same time got some vital experience. today was my first day as a new student in another school once again, and it went SO MUCH BETTER. i was finally able to prove to myself that I CAN GO OUT THERE. now i'm even excited for tomorrow
much love💘
@@mariaiakovleva8356 I have the same feelings as you as a student, despite all the insecurities related to my social anxiety. Thanks for sharing your experience
Interns aren't supposed to be perfect, anyway.
This happens to me a lot too.
"Why am I like this" is something I always say 🥹
Just started a new job today after a long time at home (mostly alone). My head is literally spinning from all the conversations and a dozen „OMG why did I say that“. I had to laugh though when I saw that you just posted this video. Much needed here.
Ohh this is so relatable :DD
Yeh totally agree! Happens all the time!
I'm the same way. Even through text. I'm always asking my husband should I say this or ask his opinion on the way I worded it 🥹 it's tough.
@@jenivettebigham7060 omg yes! I prefer txt bc you dont have someone watching and waiting for your response in person or call... but i think it kinda makes anxiety worse because you can re-write 10+ times and judge every wording the worst way when in reality the first one was fine haha.
This reminds me of working at a movie theater and how people would get embarrassed for saying “you too” when I told them to enjoy their movie. The thing is, I never thought these people were dumb. I never even thought twice about it because it happened CONSTANTLY. Doing that doesn’t make you dumb.. In fact, it makes you a lot like everybody else.
I think that my social anxiety ramped up when I had some really surprising encounters with negative judgements and they felt traumatic because they involved gossip and turning people against me. Now I overanalyze social situations because i feel i have to protect myself. I also feel like those are real consequences! Loss of attachment relationships is not a light thing to brush off.
Something that really helped me: you'll hurt people on some level, it's unavoidable. And they can deal with it, and ask you to apologize it necessary. Of course, be as gentle as you can! But accepting the hurt is inevitable and accepting it really helped me. People can survive your mistakes! And so can you.
We’ll said! My goal isn’t to never hurt someone but instead to recover gracefully and humbly when it inevitably happens.
"If you have a different standard for yourself than others, you're not seeing things clearly." That resonates on multiple levels, thank you.
When I catch myself ruminating, I ask myself what I can learn from what happened, and what I can do next. The instinct to think about what went wrong can be adaptive and helpful, but it’s important to redirect focus onto the aspects that are actually helpful (the lesson learned, and the recovery). I also try to remind myself to trust people to be at least somewhat understanding. These things have been helpful for me
When thinking of an embarrassing memory it helps me to repeat an REM lyric like a mantra: "Nobody remembers, nobody cares..."
I was being bullied at school and the second 'anxiety' that was described here was actually happening to me for real, like people were staring at me and commented my action, clothes and laugh at me.
And this one is really hard for me to overcome and still hunts me in my adult life.
Although my 'wounds' was somehow closed I can't help feeling sometimes that group of people are secretly laughing and hate me.
I understand this . sending you love!
Being bullied all my life has about ruined me at times. It seems to have a cumulative effect as I get older. I am proud of myself for never having given up and for what I have accomplished in spite of being bullied. I thank God and people who are kind.
I thought you were going to tell the classic joke:
A man gets on the bus, and sits down next to a woman with a dog sitting by her. The man says "does your dog bite?" The woman says "No, he doesn't". The man reaches down to pet the dog, and the dog snarls and bites his hand. The man looks at the woman angrily - "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite." The woman replies "that's not my dog".
I think a lot of social anxiety comes from projection - I know I tend to notice little things about people, and notice mistakes they make, so I project this onto others, thinking that THEY think just like I do, and would find the faults I find, when the truth is far from that. They probably didn't notice a tenth of the things I ruminate about.
Thanks for another helpful video about this problem!
That’s a good joke, thanks 😁
That's a Pink Panther gag: ua-cam.com/video/qypEulhiHAw/v-deo.html
I also notice little things about people and it makes me think they notice these things about me. You and I are sensitive people and most people aren’t like us. That’s a relief 😅
I also notice (n remember) little things; and think others notice/ will remember my little mistakes too.
I needed this video today. Last week I had an interview that I walked out of feeling really good about. Then I drove the 35minutes home in silence, ruminating about everything I said and started questioning how well it actually went. I then spent the entire weekend on edge about not getting a call back even though they told me at the end that they would reach out this week for a 2nd interview.
Faulty self-evaluation: I ruminated over every little thing that happened and started questioning my own experience of reality - the reality is that the interview did go fine, i’m just judging myself for not being “perfect”
Everyone’s looking at me: If I don’t get this job everyone who knows I had the interview will think i’m dumb or that it’s funny I didn’t get the job - reality is no one cares that much about my life and even if those people did exist: the people who matter to me love me and won’t care that if I don’t get this particular job
If I messed up it would be catastrophic: Telling myself that not having a “perfect” interview means I won’t get the job I want and that would be devastating, “i’ll never get another chance at this” - in reality it might suck, but there is no crashing or burning, and I can apply somewhere else
I have to be perfect to be accepted: thinking I have to be the perfect candidate straight out of school to get the job I want - in reality they realize as a new grad I have a lot to learn still and why would i want to work for someone who expects perfection?
I was called today to set up a second interview later this week. I am nervous about it, but I plan to not ruminate over it afterwards. I’ve put in the time and effort and I deserve a shot at the job I want. Wish me luck!
Good luck 🍀
Good luck!
Thank you for sharing. I could have written this exactly. I just had my second interview, I’m currently ruminating about it, but they’ve asked for references so I think the offer is coming. We got this! Best of luck to you.
How did it go?
This is the most helpful advice I’ve ever heard on social anxiety. Thank you so much!!
Taught the same plane and simply
This CD has three separate relaxation/meditation sessions on it ua-cam.com/users/postUgkxzpa8CIfZcihW4Z0F_ja0QF3W9KIatrsq guided by a very pleasant and direct male voice. Unlike so many other products of its type, this CD does not have bad synthesizer music, does not feature a phony or affected style of narration, and does not make any bogus claims to be subliminal or to re-train the brain or any of that balderdash. What you get is 1. a guided meditation for getting into a pleasantly relaxed state of body awareness while taking a stroll (superb for those easing back into a fitness routine slowly after an illness or injury) 2. A nice long breath-awareness relaxation session that if followed diligently can put you into very deep states of full-body relaxation and mental calmness, and 3. a buddhist-inspired meditation session designed to help you develop and maintain feelings of loving kindness toward not just yourself and your friends, but toward people you don't even like. The CD makes no claims to be designed for advanced meditators or for buddhists or hindus/yoga practitioners looking for very deep and esoteric stuff. It is geared more toward the average person who just wants to develop the habit of relaxation and stress relief through natural, healthy means. him, if you happen to be reading this, keep up the good work fella, and I love your accent. I would also like to note that I have never fallen asleep while listening to this product. I would like to kindly suggest to the reviewer who said this CD makes him fall asleep, that he might want to get checked to see if he has a sleep disorder, or if he is simply not setting aside ample time for restful sleep at night. A healthy person getting adequate rest at night should be able to go into deep states of mental relaxation without dozing off, if not all the time, then most of the time.
My social anxiety at work has made life barely tolerable bc I've never been accepted in a job social setting thx for your videos I try to use them to get out of my head at work try to be kinder to myself 💜
"I try to use them to get out of my head "
Nope, that is wrong conclusion and wrong direction.
This is why CBT is wrong and detrimental to socially anxious individuals - it instructs us to self pathologize and to prolong toxic shame: deep core belief that we are weird, different and that we must fix ourselves in order to crap fit into abuse.
Accept it - this overthinking is part of abuse - we were criticized relentlessly when growing up by untreated mentally ill ambient and now we overthink since we were conditioned to overthink.
Overthinking is hypnosis and trauma stuck inside our body - it was survival mechanism.
IT is totally normal by product of abuse.
The problem is not overthinking - overthinking means our brain is functioning as it ought to function.
Without this ability we would be autistic, egocentric (stuck only in our tunnel vision to ponder about) and possibly sociopaths since we would not have ability to consider what other people think and want.
Accept it as Darwin evolution - we were exposed to predators and now we developed thorns like rosed developed them as reaction to predators.
If we are kind, nice, if we have no evil agenda, if we have no desire to cause harm, hurt and pain to other people - there is nothing wrong with us, nothing to fix. IF we follow CBT advice to label our reaction to trauma as severe personality flaw - we will develop more anxiety and mental illness, and we will live in toxic shame: deep core ingrained belief that we are incapable to handle and manage life.
Accept overthinking and manage it: cut toxic people. Think overly about who is toxic - how they act, what did they say. There are fake people out there with manipulation tools and desire to exploit other people. Abuse made us aware of toxic people and predators - and overthinking is our grown ability to detect toxic people.
If we were in psychological security ambient, if we were around safe normal and kind people - we would not over think.
"Sooner or later everyone encounters stressful life experiences, but HSPs react more to such stimulation. If you see this reaction as part of some basic flaw, you intensify the stress already present in any life crisis.
This deeper processing of subtle details causes you to consider the past or future more. You "just know" how things got to be the way they are or how they are going to turn out. It can be wrong, but your intuition is right often enough that HSPs tend to be visionaries, more conscientious, cautious and wise people.
It is important not to confuse arousal with fear.
And often we think that our arousal is due to fear. We do not realize that our heart may be pounding from the sheer effort of processing extra stimulation.
I really suggest trying to view it as neutral.
HSPs must spend far more time trying to invent solutions to human problems just because they are more sensitive to hunger, cold, insecurity, exhaustion, and illness.
Since most non-HSPs do not seem to enjoy thinking about such things, they assume we must be unhappy doing all that pondering.
Spend enough time putting yourself out there in the world - your sensitivity is not something to be feared.
Carl Jung believed that when highly sensitive patients has experienced a trauma, they had been unusually affected and so developed a neurosis.
Preferring toughness, the culture sees our trait as something difficult to live with, something to be cured. HSPs differ mainly in their sensitive processing of subtle stimuli. This is your most basic quality."
The Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine N. Aron
Good for you!
I have a coping mechanism to stop remination when the thought “god I’m so awkward” thoughts start popping up, I start speaking aloud. “I’m a person, I’m a person I’m a person” in between the lines I’m trying to remind myself I’m flawed and that’s okay because that makes me just like everyone else. We all feel awkward or weird. It’s okay to feel like that because it’s a human experience.
The thing is I know I’m socially awkward because I’m autistic, however, most people don’t really notice. What I mean is people think of me as eccentric or say “that’s just Hailey”. They notice I’m sorta awkward but they don’t register that I’m so far behind it’s a social delay. I used to put so much pressure on myself because I want to be on the same level as my peers, and I would mask to the degree where I was close but never really matched up. I have given myself permission to be autistic. That’s helped. The less I mask the more I see example of my authentic self being accepted.
I had a therapist who told me to be mindful of every time I insult myself ("I'm so dumb!" "I'm so freaking awkward!" etc) and use a kind voice to say that no, I'm not. Basically, the "would you say that to a friend" advice, except talking to yourself. ... Unfortunately that was years ago and I still do it. 😅 But I DID start a habit of doing what you do, following up immediately with "no you're not, you're just human, everyone does stuff like that!"
Good for u to be able to do this. Sounds awesome. Seems u have learned to live with this
Very good advice. One thing I wanted to refine a bit further from the part about egocentrism. I know when I felt anxiety in the past, part of it WASN'T that I thought everyone was looking at me all the time or everything I did. It was more that I didn't know WHAT they were looking at or noticing that I wasn't. Like a lot of people, I was bullied pretty hard for a period of middle and high school, most of it around things about myself that I didn't notice. This is an important distinction because many of us with anxiety DON'T necessarily think that EVERYONE is looking at us or paying such close attention to us. It's more that we may have had unresolved trauma in the past and we don't know where it could be coming from next. We are afraid to be unguarded and be taken by surprise. It's so important to work through trauma (and that is a PROCESS, not an event) as part of addressing social anxiety.
Thank you so much for this🙏
YES You've phrased this so so well! That's exactly what it is.
'Did the world end?' That's how I always ask myself when things upset me. I had to go through decades of challenging experiences to finally learn to ask this to myself before I found your helpful advice. Thank you for making these videos.
Self abuse is part of trauma.
We were conditioned to fix ourselves in order to crap fit into abuse.
We were made blind to see that instead of pointing finger at ourselves that we start pointing finger at toxic people, retort to them and cut contact with them.
As Lundy Bancroft said:
"Abuse is NOT caused by bad relationship dynamics. You can't manage your partner's abusiveness by changing your behaviour. But he wants you to think you can."
Similarly, if I make a mistake, especially at work, I try to remind myself that no one died because of my mistake. It helps me be a little bit gentler with myself.
Yeah I learned this a few years ago and it's helped me a lot.
Also, going into something scary and telling myself "whatever happens, I'll be ok afterwards" or at least "I may not be ok immediately afterwards but I have the skills to take care of myself and then be ok a day or two later"
@@evercuriousmichelle "remind myself that no one died because of my mistake. It helps me be a little bit gentler with myself."
We were never the problem,
it was toxic people. Covert narcissists. They present themselves as friends or help but abuse us actually.
We empaths and HSPs have high moral and ethical standards. That is why we are "not gentle" to ourselves. With trauma we never learned how to self validate nor how to develop self worth, self love, self expression.
This way, we developed toxic empathy, toxic shame - and this trauma is stuck inside our body, it resurrects with criticism.
This is critical point.
Toxic people sniff us out.
They know we care - so what manipulators and pathological liars will do - is that they will trigger our urge not to make mistake. They will nitpick our urge that we do not harm other people. And they will mock our lack of knowledge - even though we are much more smarter and far intelligent then bullies and abusers.
How they do this?
They simply criticize our mistakes - and present them as catastrophe. They do not care if we do it for the first time and when mistakes are natural and normal part of any activity.
They mask this abuse, bullying and mobbing by guilt tripping us - and we are never even aware that we are being hijacked, mobbed, bullied by them. Instead - we are made to believe into guilt - and then we self blame.
Then we believe that we are not gentle to ourselves, as you explained it.
We live in sick, manipulative, Trump, criminally insane world with mentally ill aggressive sick people - guilt tripping honest and authentic and true people like us -
since we are not evil - we do not have any reference point to recognize evil in other people - especially if they wear a mask of nice, kind, pleasant person - similar to narcissistic character Sigourney Weaver played in Working Girl (1988).
As Dennett said - we are all zombies.
Psychopaths are pulling our strings of empathy and play us around like toys for their agenda.
We need to wake up and realize that self blame, guilt, shame we feel - stems from predators, abusers, manipulators, toxic people - masked behind good and nice people who "help" us with their control and mocking and bullying.
CBT does not help in this process of waking up. CBT is example of such predators and narcissists. CBT will explain our thinking, our intelligence as nuisance, as problem. As a personality trait which is flawed, and dumb, something to destroy and suppress.
"Since most non-HSPs do not seem to enjoy thinking about solutions, they assume we must be unhappy doing all that pondering.
Preferring toughness, the culture sees our trait as something difficult to live with, something to be cured."
The Highly Sensitive Person,
Elaine N. Aron
This is something I’ve had since I was young. I tend to get anxious around people and catastrophize after talking to someone. Gets annoying, I try to breathe and realize I can’t control other’s perceptions. I’m a theatre major and this is something I’m still working on.❤️
Problem is I had a sibling who did analyze everything I said or did and called it stupid al of my young life and now this is replaying in my head in every new encounter
Few people out there have nothing better to do than analyze... Siblings... well... That's a sibling thing. We seem to be programmed as siblings to give each other crap.
Don't get me wrong, I love my brother dearly. He must care, too, or he wouldn't get me more armor to wear every time he scares himself on a motorcycle. haha... BUT we aggravate each other almost as much as Sam and Dean Winchester...
There may be families with a different dynamic, but I haven't found any. ;o)
@@gnarthdarkanen7464 I try to tell myself lifetime of sibling crap should make be stronger out there, but, not necessarily somehow. If I could only be as able to defend myself with others as I can with siblings!
@@janebraun4482 Well, maybe growing up with a semi-absent narcissistic father (who knew the SoB was actually doing us favors being gone)... Might've had something to do with my case...
...OR I might just have a natural penchant for giving at least as good or bad as I get. I don't really know.
For some, the natural instinct is to hold back from how they'd normally "unload both barrels" like they do with family... For others, family crap was like training in boot-camp and they just let fly at the drop of a hat...
I DO really try to hold myself up long enough to analyze whether or not "retaliatory fire" is warranted... BUT when it is (or when I simply get triggered too fast to think about it) stand by... I've sent grown men running off in tears... and I was a teen at the time.
I've since spent 4 years in the "Gator Navy" shipping Marines and Sealteams overseas. I've learned and expanded upon my vocal munitions and whatever inhibitions I've ever had were long ago destroyed.
I still try not to be TOO inappropriately nasty, but it just doesn't always work out so well... haha...
I'll stick by the "Give as good (or bad) as you get." though. It's a fair principle. Might take some personal refining, but it seems to work. ;o)
I have about 40 of those (done over a life of 50 years) and my brain replays my mess ups in HD, thereby reinforcing self loathing. I am going to watch this over and over - thank you so much.
You don't need to dwell on what's done already...you can focus on doing what's better now and in the future. ❤
@@relaxingsoundthearapy688 thank you i will work on it
I've come to realize my social anxiety is much worse when I'm well rested. I guess the mind-fog of being slightly groggy just doesn't lend itself to overthinking. If I'm an hour or two short on sleep, I can chat up that girl at the coffee shop without being nervous or be more calm in a job interview. It might not be my best self, but it is my less neurotic self.
Same!!
Maybe you should use a bit of cannabis
It’s a shame we need to feel exhausted in order to care less about shit.
Omg yes! Lol. Same. Nice that someone finally acknowledges that this happens and I’m not nuts. 😂
Thanks for sharing, that's really interesting to me as I'm the exact opposite. If I am not well rested my thoughts get more frantic, I feel even less confident and every little thing makes me ruminate. Being well rested makes me more stable and calm.
I have social anxiety disorder and I just got back home from visiting my sister. We had a great time in the moment but I was literally ruminating and feeling bad about the interaction when I clicked this video to watch it. The feelings I give myself while doing this kind of thinking, which I can't seem to stop after every social interaction that's not with my inner circle, make me not want to interact at all. Thank you for the video!
One issue I deal with on top of what she talks about here is that ANYTIME someone complements me, I’m convinced they are actually being condescending or feel sorry for me. For example, at the gym someone says. “Hey good job today” I think that they are referring to how slow I was going on the treadmill or rower. If someone says “I like your dress” I think they must be trying to think of something to say because the dress looks bad on me & they have to perform societal niceties. I hate it.
I usually overthink before a social interaction happens, like if i want to text a friend that I haven't spoken to in years I'm always super scared they will respond negatively to me texting them all of a sudden, or that they're mad at me for not texting them earlier. This often makes me just avoid texting them alltogether.
I started crying by the end of the video, the teeny weeny detail of FEELING FEELINGS. This is so crucial to me. Thank you Emma. You truly are special.
(Oh btw, just sharing how much time I spent elaborating this comment, more so because English is not my first language. Reason, of course: Emma and the community would destroy my life if I mess up the grammar and the spelling in a comment under a video - typing on the phone, the King of Misspelling Not On Purpose 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂)
Love to all. I mean it. (And yes, I'm feeling awkward and inappropriate saying this 😂😂😂)
💖.
❤Your comment in English is perfect! Hang in there friend! We are in this together!❤️
I have social anxiety , i always want my interactions to be perfect . Thank you for these utiles informatins .
We want to be perfect because we were abuse, traumatized and conditioned into perfectionism.
Problem is not overthinking, it is abuse and trauma that is stuck inside our body.
It is such a human thing to consider what it is that we said to someone and shows sensitivity, emotional intelligence and empathy. It is when this anxiety which is often a critical, negative, or fearful voice which becomes larger than the voice of self assurance that it becomes debilitating. You have got this whoever you are. We know are now about Neuroplasticity more than ever before and it is possible to overcome the extreme feelings of social anxiety, to befriend the fearful internal voice, to acknowledge and be with it with it gently, so it is here as a smaller quieter voice and therefore feeling which we can use as a check in rather than a voice which overpowers our true nature. Such a good informed video. Thank you Emma as always. Much love, Marie-Louise from Cornwall UK 🤩
1. Emotional reasoning- if i feel embarassed, i must have been awkward. I remember feeling anxious, so it must have been weird or cringe. Whereas if you imagine the same situation with you having felt confident over what you had said, then it often doesn't appear as bad. So your experience of the event is making you see it dofferently than it objectively was.
2. If a friend had done it, what would you have thought of them? Would you evaluate them this harshly?
3. Depression activates your default mode network. Nobody else is thinking about you this much. Instead they're probably conscious of how they themselves acted.
So shift yourself as the center of the world and think about other people for a bit.
4. If i did act awkward and the person doesn't like me anymore then is my survival in the present moment of here and now under threat. Is my security in this moment under threat?
5. Every single other person has also been awkward and cringe as well. All of us are allowed to be imperfect and say stupid things every once in a while.
Me “in a nutshell”, as it were. The next step is to avoid social situations where it might happen again. Thank you for this.
This was so helpful. I'd rather, have people who are real not necessarily perfect, people who make mistakes and get back up and so it's okay for me to not be perfect.
Thanks for giving me a term for this. I compare it to my experiences acting on stage. For me when I'm on stage, I'm in the moment, I'm rolling with the situation, and I'm confident (because I have to be -the show must go on). And it's not until after I'm off stage that I have the opportunity to replay and evaluate the performance in my mind. Maybe that's a healthy way to hone craft, but I let that mentality follow me into social interactions and the result is sometimes enjoying myself at social events, and then having to hide from the world for several days to sort through and unpack all the perfectionist self-loathing that follows as my brain slowly processes every social moment I didn't deftly execute.
I like that. Just show up and be imperfect. This acceptance of yourself just completely free's you up to be your imperfect self (which we all are).
I am until now for 4 years a ruminative person.
This video has changed something .
I will rewatch it from now and on
You definitely give off wise friend vibes rather than therapist, it’s very comforting!
I was just thinking as I left work today how I felt panicky because I was worried some of the interactions I had with parents and coworkers was weird because I wasn’t in a very focused head space. So I was ruminating about all of the conversations I had over the course of the day trying to figure out what went wrong and caused the way I was feeling. I didn’t realize that my anxiety wasn’t because I did/said something stupid, but because I was looking for it. Thank you for this incredibly helpful video!!
This will help my kid so well. We started working on this about 3 days ago and he feeling optimistic. This will really help to put what I've been telling him in a new way
I thought I had social anxiety before I watched this video, and wow, that's just been confirmed. I already know most of what was said in the video, but having it spelled out so clearly is amazing. Also, I'm saving this in my playlist now for self-soothing whenever I need a reminder. Can't thank you enough for this one.
Absolutely wonderful video!
I had this realization while I was watching this that sometimes when people come up to talk to me but I get so swept up in the moment of ‘oh my goodness this person is talking to me, I don’t wanna disappoint them, I want to help them with whatever they need help with it be attentive’ that I end up getting so fixated on the fact that I’m having a social interaction and I’m not actually being attentive and helpful like I want to be. Which then causes me to have miscommunication with that person and overall just awkward interaction. Such a weird form of self sabotage.
Never watched a video on the channel before this one, but I needed every last bit of this video. I am in a particular community situation right now where I've been super-open with everybody, I seem to be the only one to have cared deeply about a particular happening, and now I'm so embarrassed that I can't face the group other than to tell them I can't be around them because I turned my experience with them into something traumatic for me.
So...yeah. Thank you so much for this video. I'm prone to rumination through nature (level 1 autism) AND nurture (parents who loved them some hindsight fallacy), so the loops in my brain are horrible.
"They see us as timid, shy, weak, or unsociable. Fearing these labels, we try to be like others. But that leads to our becoming overaroused and distressed. Then that gets us labeled neurotic or crazy, first by others then by ourselves.
The Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine N. Aron"
"Sooner or later everyone encounters stressful life experiences, but HSPs react more to such stimulation. If you see this reaction as part of some basic flaw, you intensify the stress already present in any life crisis.
This deeper processing of subtle details causes you to consider the past or future more. You "just know" how things got to be the way they are or how they are going to turn out. It can be wrong, but your intuition is right often enough that HSPs tend to be visionaries, more conscientious, cautious and wise people.
It is important not to confuse arousal with fear.
And often we think that our arousal is due to fear. We do not realize that our heart may be pounding from the sheer effort of processing extra stimulation.
I really suggest trying to view it as neutral.
HSPs must spend far more time trying to invent solutions to human problems just because they are more sensitive to hunger, cold, insecurity, exhaustion, and illness.
Since most non-HSPs do not seem to enjoy thinking about such things, they assume we must be unhappy doing all that pondering.
Spend enough time putting yourself out there in the world - your sensitivity is not something to be feared.
Carl Jung believed that when highly sensitive patients has experienced a trauma, they had been unusually affected and so developed a neurosis.
Preferring toughness, the culture sees our trait as something difficult to live with, something to be cured. HSPs differ mainly in their sensitive processing of subtle stimuli. This is your most basic quality."
The Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine N. Aron
Your right emma, being real means you will feel uncomfortable when you make mistakes but you will grow and form great human relationships with others.
I'm a major perfectionist but I had no idea that also caused my social anxiety before I watched this video. Like of all of the videos I've watched, yours is the first that I feel has actually given me some real insight into myself. I can count the number of people I'm my real self with on one hand. It's not something and do on purpose and has actually been a major source of frustration with myself. I just get so stuck in my head that I have trouble so much as talking because I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing. Thinking about it now, that's obviously perfectionism, but in my head it's always been about concern for the other person and not wanting to do or say anything bad on accident.
genuinely this is why i force myself in social situations- i cannot survive being socially anxious anymore but it’s so hard getting out of the cycle. sometimes it feels like
progress but rn. at this moment. i mean i searched for a vid to explain. so we’re
down bad
Thank you for this video! It's really helpful like all your videos are.
This year I noticed my social anxiety got better ironically because I said something really hurtful to someone without meaning It and they got mad at me and comfronted me about It, and I apologized (ofc) and took It well. I noticed It wasn't that bad like I thought in my head. I learned about It and will try to not doing It again, but I didn't beat myself up about It. It's not the end of the world! It's not a comfortable feeling, hurting someone unwillingly, but you're ok. You're human. You are still loved regardless. Try your best but relax and be compassionate with yourself, always~
So true, negative self thought is a vicious cycle that only leads to anxiety. Great video! We can change these patterns of learned behavior.
I'm a they/them system and this is the kind of rumination my alters go through all the time. I try to self-parent and guide them through their own social anxieties. It doesn't matter what kind of person(s) you are, if you do the work, you will make progress. Keep it up! Remember that you matter ❤
thank you, this video is amazing. Through out the video, some of the sentences you said really hit me.. i don't know if i ever get vulnerable around my friends or stop putting them and their feelings first, but atleast now i kinda understand what's happening and that i might actually suffer from anxiety so.. thank you again :)
Very useful and reassuring tips! The best thing we might do while socializing is to relax and be ourselves, and accept that some people will like us, others won't, and that's life.
I have just moved to a different country and I have to learn the language, I have this kind of anxiety every time I have tried to speak and made mistakes (which happens a lot). I know that I can only learn by trying, and I re-watch this video every time I feel stupid for speaking in a weird way, it helps ♥️
Dang, this video described my issues perfectly! I was looking for a video to find out why i feel sad after a social gathering, and this video sums it up. I think i'll use those tips so that things can feel so much less tense all the time around people.
This is the one issue I have though....we can say "it wasn't the end of the world" or "it really wasnt that bad, people dont think about it as much as you think" but then there are those exceptions where that one person in the group is always saying something weird and everyone will talk about them etc. like we can't just sweep those under the rug... those examples of people do exist and the only thing that fixes that are actual changes to how they communicate not just habit forming of not caring.
These vids are incredible enlightening.
I used to think that there was a lot wrong with me and now that I think about it, my parents didnt know how to proces emotions in a more healthy way.
Thank you so much for this. I never thought that trying to act "perfect" in social situations was taking away from me real connections with people, it makes so much sense now
I am so relieved to give my terrible feelings a name. I really didn't know that there is a way out. I am so thankful to Emma to make this video puplic
I just left a family function where I felt like I shouldn't have said something. People were making racist remarks and I told them I disagreed and its wrong to speak/think that way and got a bit emotional. Afterwards, I was wishing I just shut up. Sometimes it does take guts to do the right thing when everyone seems to be agreeing with something wrong. Anxiety is a beast you can't win against and if I said nothing, I would have felt like a coward and ruminated on that. I was scrolling through UA-cam and saw this video. It made me feel so much better and reminded me of some of the skills I've learned in CBT. Thanks for sharing this. 👍
I get really uncomfortable when I’m driving and I feel like people are staring at me, judging me, thinking I’m ugly, thinking I’m aggressive, etc.. I tell myself to stop thinking like that, but sometimes drivers do look at me, stare at me in their mirrors, etc… and then it feels like I was right. Road rage is bad in my city and I try to blend in as much as possible. I wish I could fix my thoughts so I wouldn’t be scared
I thought I was the only one. It is seriously debilitating to feel scared to drive because of that. Hard to motivate myself to go to work, or just out to get some groceries for the home. I get anxiety of people the moment I leave the house. "Okay, my neighbors who sort of know me are judging me". The way I walk or the way I look. (I was bullied for how I walked back in school) Then I get in the car and think all the other drivers are judging me passing by or at the stop light. THEN I get to the grocery store and that's a whole other story lol. I also have phone anxiety and I get anxiety when someone knocks on the door. I sometimes feel alienated from the world. Like I can't function like a normal human and do normal human things. I have no issue talking to strangers online though, go figure. It makes it hard to live life at this point.
This is the best explanation of overthinking/social anxiety I’ve heard! Thank you for this video!
I have been a stay at home mom for 4 years now and the social anxiety is unreal now!!!!!! Anyone from my mom to a stranger, I’m constantly ruminating and analyzing and picking out tiny things that I said that were awkward or cringy & MAN it’s exhausting. I’m about to watch this video everyday until it’s memorized 😅🤣
Felt the same after running a daycare for several years. It was an exhausting job and when I’d have social engagements, all I had in my conversational repertoire were the needs of a preschooler, children songs and activities, potty training and diaper changes, etc. I thought it was important work and still do but I didn’t feel accepted in social circles of my professional friends during that period of my life, which now looking back, was perhaps in my head because my friends still accept me, but that feeling of inadequacy was real.
That is not social anxiety.
Googling your symptoms and self diagnosing is bad idea.
Social anxiety is being in job situation with bullying, mobbing and abuse.
Staying home is agoraphobia.
"Since most non-HSPs do not seem to enjoy thinking about solutions, they assume we must be unhappy doing all that pondering.
Preferring toughness, the culture sees our trait as something difficult to live with, something to be cured."
The Highly Sensitive Person,
Elaine N. Aron
--
"They see us as timid, shy, weak, or unsociable. Fearing these labels, we try to be like others. But that leads to our becoming overaroused and distressed. Then that gets us labeled neurotic or crazy, first by others then by ourselves.
The Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine N. Aron"
"Sooner or later everyone encounters stressful life experiences, but HSPs react more to such stimulation. If you see this reaction as part of some basic flaw, you intensify the stress already present in any life crisis.
This deeper processing of subtle details causes you to consider the past or future more. You "just know" how things got to be the way they are or how they are going to turn out. It can be wrong, but your intuition is right often enough that HSPs tend to be visionaries, more conscientious, cautious and wise people.
It is important not to confuse arousal with fear.
And often we think that our arousal is due to fear. We do not realize that our heart may be pounding from the sheer effort of processing extra stimulation.
I really suggest trying to view it as neutral.
HSPs must spend far more time trying to invent solutions to human problems just because they are more sensitive to hunger, cold, insecurity, exhaustion, and illness.
Since most non-HSPs do not seem to enjoy thinking about such things, they assume we must be unhappy doing all that pondering.
Spend enough time putting yourself out there in the world - your sensitivity is not something to be feared.
Carl Jung believed that when highly sensitive patients has experienced a trauma, they had been unusually affected and so developed a neurosis.
Preferring toughness, the culture sees our trait as something difficult to live with, something to be cured. HSPs differ mainly in their sensitive processing of subtle stimuli. This is your most basic quality."
The Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine N. Aron
---
Learning to see our trait as a neutral thing-useful in some situations, not in others-but our culture definitely does not see it, or any trait, as neutral.
Be careful about accepting labels for yourself such as "inhibited", "introverted", "shy"
The Highly Sensitive Person,E. Aron
This is the best pep talk on social anxiety I have heard. I was starting to dread these rumination sessions so much that I wanted to avoid events in general. But I really do like people and want close connections, so I tough it out every time. I will really try to remember your 3 pointers next time!!!
"Being real is better than putting on a perfect show" - I needed to hear this
I get extremely anxious even from interactions with people who *aren't* my friends\anyone else who I want to build a connection and lasting relationship. With people that I'm trying to be friends with I'm actually, mostly, pretty chill and open unless I'm going through things. But if it's some random store clerk or even worse my doctor I get SUPER anxious. Those people, objectively, do not care about my mess ups, I might never meet them ever again, they might forget about me the second I leave the room... and yet I still get super worked up if I said something stupid or did something awkward with those people.
For example this week I had a GP appointment, new doctor I've never met before, and I haven't went to clinics in years so I barely have any "experience" in this social environment. I went there with a goal to get an appointment with a different specialist and nothing more. Tldr, after a bunch of misunderstandings from both sides I got signed up for completely unrelated clinical exams that I did not need and didn't get the appointment I needed. I obviously ended up cancelling\skipping every appointment I was signed up for and seeking out a different GP. Seems like a pretty cut and dry situation, some discomfort and awkwardness, sure, but the issue got resolved, just move on, right? No. After I decided to cancel and skip my exams I spent the whole evening anxiously crying about how the doctors will judge and hate me, how I won't be able to face them ever again and if I'll ever need anything from them they'll ask me a bunch of questions that i can't answer or explain my behavior.... also I'm 20 and they're all like in their 50s-60s and are clearly underpaid and overworked so getting yelled at by them is super easy... and oh boy do I break down when someone yells at me...
I'm not sure what to do in these cases since I can't really apply the mindset of "I can be vulnerable and make mistakes, after all that's what makes these relationships real"... I don't want a real relationship with my GP I just want to get in and get out without getting shat at ; ; I understand that they don't give a crap, that's what I've been told by everyone for like the past 10 years: don't worry about what others think, they have themselves to worry about and will likely forget your missteps anyway. But I really cannot internalize this idea... my brain understands but my "heart" doesnt. I know they don't care but I get *extreme* anxiety from it anyway.
Very lucky there is a video on this topic BY A THERAPIST! I knew I was doing this overthinking ruminating thing after an event last night and sharing highlights on social media. I did not have the language to describe this phenomenon but here it is. Ugh, so grateful!
This sounds great for friendships but when ruminating about actions you did with your boss, coworkers, etc it’s harder. Because you don’t necessarily want (or should) show your true vulnerability. And if you made mistakes they’ll not be like good friends and accept you and they might judge u and base off their future decisions based on that. I need help 😢
Oh my God, thank God I found this video. I've been feeling terrible for the past few years, not being able to make friends because of this and thinking that everyone's looking at me when they're not. I thank you for making this video.
I constantly feel like I'm offensive to everyone I talk too, to a point where I avoid interactions. I've even told myself not to talk too much but you can never predict where the conversation will go. But if someone else has said something offensive it doesnt bother me, I just look at them as being human.This video will help me so much, thank you.
Same, I feel like I offer so much grace and tolerance towards people yet it’s not returned. I think that’s why I developed SocAnx in the first place.
As usual it feels really insightful yet I know full well that when it comes to the crunch, none of what is said here is going to change what's going on for me socially. It's almost like platitudes at this stage. I watched the video, I went out, I found myself in a social situation completely petrified, I couldn't wait to escape. Then I felt terrible afterwards about the bridges I've burnt and how disappointed I am in myself This is my life.
It's difficult at the beginning to install new pattern of thinking , you need to forgive yourself and try to let yourself feel those emotions and be vulnerable so you can connect with your friends
My heart goes to you ma'am. YOU'RE A SAVIOUR!!! BLESS YOU. ❤❤❤
Interesting how we can be so kind to others, and so hard on ourself.
This is learned helplessness, it is all trauma response.
I embarrass myself or hurt peoples feelings accidently all the time and people accidently and on purpose hurt my feelings all the time. Not everyone is going to like you and that's ok, that's their problem. Life is too short to worry about what other people who don't like you think or feel, only people who are close to you and care about you are worthy of your consideration.
A couple of things I would like to contribute.
1. This is to elaborate on the point of egocentrism. Try to understand that in the same way you are not hyper analyzing/scrutinizing their actions, they are not doing that to you or your actions. A lot of the things that you might fixate on are things they might not have even noticed or thought strange at all.
2. In good friendships, those “awkward” things you do and say become features and not bugs. Definitely aim for friendships that have the same comfort level as a relationship with a sibling. To get there, you will have to open up, but the resulting friendships will be completely natural and you won’t feel like you’re walking on eggshells.
I’ve learned that whatever you’ve done embarrassing, no one will remember but you. Makes me feel a little better.
This is very healing. Thank you so much for this - I could have used this a long time ago. And just to be clear, if you live in the south… people ARE looking at you. Southerners have a very poor sense of what I like to call “eyeball courtesy” 😅 but anyway.. I already have come so far in this area in my journey away from perfectionism and toward authenticity. (I owe it all to Brené Brown) Just the other day there was a get together with ladies from the apartment building. I was battling between my anxiety and wanting to go and I shifted my focus to my values - I value being brave, growth, and making connections. And I thought that’s the best thing to be is someone who’s brave, wants to grow, and finds other people interesting. It gave me the courage to go and have such a lovely time ☺️
I vividly remember the last two times I hugged a male friend longer than they hugged me. I just forgot to start letting go. I felt so much shame and my mind reeled with all the conjectures they might have made based on that. I know consciously that they probably forgot within seconds. But I still cringe when I think about both times. One was a week ago and one was 2.5 years ago.
Past two years I was like this, but when I started praying and watching videos on UA-cam on how to overcome this then I stopped
Great video, very helpful suggestions! On a personal note after a serious trauma and PTSD diagnosis- this is exactly how I operate….distorted view, rumination etc. I have been learning how to redirect thoughts and rumination, but now I have more tools to add to better cope. Thank you! Very helpful information.
i'm basically my own therapist and when analyzing myself i noticed a lot of toxic behaviors that I’ve had for years. lately I’ve been teaching myself that the world doesn’t revolve around me, i don’t need anyone's validation and it’s totally okay to mess up.
What I've done recently is to lean into it if you are admittedly awkward; it's just who you are and that's ok. I find when I accept it, interactions almost go even better. I noticed too that there's awkward and then there's *awkward* where you say something that might even go so far to offend someone. People really only mentally mark down the latter. The former is only marked down if you're so over the top you're incredibly annoying that you're not reading the room - being too loud consistently, not letting people talk, etc. Being awkward really isn't THAT big of a deal to most folks - people only notice if you disturb them, not if you merely break the "usual" flow of conversation.
I LOVE this video, the tips are super helpful for social anxiety, etc
You just described me exactly and what I’ve struggled with since childhood. I know you weren’t talking to me exactly but when you said “it’s ok to feel feelings” I may have teared up a bit because I don’t think anyone has ever said that to me. Thank you for your videos.
5:36 No, it's not that I'm thinking that "I'm the centre of their world", I'm thinking that I'm looking so awkward and nervous trying to look as casual as possible, that it really shows and makes me stand out from other people who *are* casual.
Yes! I hate how people try to twist being worried about how you’re viewed by others into narcissism. It’s literally a survival mechanism. It’s so gross how people will do little underhanded, sly jabs to imply anxious people are narcissistic or self absorbed. 😡
I have OCD and this is just… my every day life. It’s exhausting and I’m so tired
I hardly regret things I've done or said.
But I do overthink a lot and regret when I did NOT do or say something.
"I should have reacted this way"
"I should have just left at that point"
"I should have told him/her to get lost and call him/her out on their behavior"
I don't know if that's social anxiety or simply being painfully aware that I'm a pushover never reacting as I should have.
Loved this video, so helpful. Thank you.
It helped me shift my perspective: Instead of “I didn’t do/say what I should have done/said,” it’s “I deserve to experience human interaction even though perfect interactions do not exist.” I have to remember that my personally is actually pretty great and anyone is lucky to have my time/attention/energy!
Also reading the comments makes me feel less alone and there’s lots of good advice there too. 😊
My summary - ‘You ruminate in an attempt to avoid feeling feelings, and feeling vulnerable. Or it can be an attempt to avoid feeling fear. It is backfiring. Nothing and no one is perfect - that is human.
I used to have depression and anxiety , I found it hard to socialize with people
Until a friend of mine who recovered from PTSD introduced me to mushroom
Am happy to say that I no longer feel depressed or have any anxiety whatsoever. ...
I have been hearing about this mushroom medication.
Were can I purchase this ?
@@stephenfox7080 mycojohn9
@@james_worldwide2945 Is he on IG?
@@stephenfox7080 yeah
Great
I have been looking for a way to purchase some mushroom
I wasn’t big on CBT as a therapist and helped clients with social anxiety. It often co-occurs with being autistic / ADHD so providing Neurodivergent affirming care and helping clients unmask (where safe) and practice self compassion was way more helpful. A lot of these difficult core beliefs that elicit shame come from the trauma of being a neurodivergent person.
My preferred term for it is “perseveration” or “perseverative thinking.” I guess because I’m not a ruminant. Turns out I’m short four stomachs.
Ok, joking aside: I am 54 years old and was diagnosed Aspie in my forties. In retrospect it should have been pretty obvious… except I was coming of age in the 70s/early 80s. Hans Asperger’s work hadn’t even been translated into English yet, so a lot of us slipped through the cracks.
Obviously, everybody on the spectrum prior to Kanner and Asperger had to integrate themselves into society without help also… but it’s fascinating to see all the advances in the last two decades.
Bottom line: for me, just knowing that the basis for most of my issues were not psychological but neurological helped me recontextualize my entire life in retrospect. This was a few years ago, and once my emotions died down, I found I was able to curb my perseverations much better than before.