"It doesn't do anyone any favors to stick around and pretend your presence is going to make everybody happy." I always watch therapy on UA-cam because I always leave with exactly what I needed to hear or realize one way or another.
I always overwork or overstep, or over-commit because I think I bring great energy. Still, the longer I burn myself out, the more toxic the situation becomes, and the more I lose my boundaries and sense of self. It makes me someone who *doesn't bring great energy, lol
Seven years ago, I broke up with a BPD person and all hell broke loose - he would stalk on me, threaten me, and bother me in every possible way for the following couple of months - until I finally went to the police and asked for help. It was by far the worst experience of my life. What helped me was standing my ground on my decision to leave, not giving into any of his provocations, taking necessary safety precautions, and a whole lot of support from my friends and family. If you're in a relationship with a BPD person and you're contemplating leaving - most probably, you already know that's the right thing to do. But please make sure you're very careful and ask for external help and support. There's light on the other side of it, I promise you.
Anna, I feel as though every video on this channel is speaking directly to me. I empathise with both people in this relationship because I was the one with BPD and CPTSD, but my partner also had a traumatised childhood. In fact, I think he has CPTSD himself. BPD is an awful way to live because you know you’re acting crazy, but the emotions you feel are unbearable. You end up lashing out at every perceived slight and hint of abandonment. The two of us were mired in a toxic stew for 20 years until he ended it. From my perspective, there is no kind way to end a relationship with a borderline. No matter how it’s done, it will hurt like hell, but that’s not her responsibility. She needs to pull off the bandage and go. I threatened suicide and even attempted it once. That said, he also treated me with such cruelty at times, it makes me shudder to think of it now. As someone who has come out on the other side of a troubled and toxic relationship, I can say with confidence that there IS a better life ahead. I’m actually grateful that my ex ended it because now I can work on my healing. He hasn’t taken any steps to do the same, but that is his road to walk. No one can fix someone else.
Me too, I feel for both of them. My father had severe BPD (before the label was even invented), my mother has always been emotionally cold, not comforting me as a child, anyway, I too have received the BPD diagnosis. I recognise the manipulative, desperate behaviour when faced with abandonment. As a result I find it less painful and frightening to be alone in life. Surely it's the only rational decision. That way I spare not only the other person from my moods, but my moods are calmer as a result.. Some people are just not made for relationships
@@anna-rosephipps3132 Anna-Rose, I’m so sorry you went through those painful life experiences as well. I think another borderline is the only person who truly “gets it.” To the world, your emotional volatility looks insane. I have destroyed and damaged so many relationships in my life. I did do DBT and CBT, which helped me a lot, but I have to be constantly vigilant so that I don’t slip up. I’m not sure the abandonment fears and attachment wounds ever truly disappear. I’m doing Anna’s courses because I want and need to do more healing, but I agree that maybe there are some of us who are better off alone. Much love to you. ❤️
So much light, comfort and peace in this channel, especially when Anna says, "I can help you or even, " I think I can help you." Thank you Fairy Queen ❣️
@@ria600 What I hated thw most was no explanation, after ten years. Yet, she has an ex gf who did horrible things that she let back in. Karmas a bitch. She has a bf, mom and son. Once the mom goes, she will be a mess.
If the relationship is jeopardizing your mental health, then break up with them. They are an adult and they are in charge of taking care of their mental health. I was diagnosed with BPD at 17 and at 19 with Asperger's syndrome. BPD is a trauma related induced disorder. Not getting a proper diagnosis as a child and getting diagnosed later in life is pretty traumatizing. My mother had mental illness and addiction issues and wasn't around for me growing up, and blames her absence on my Dad. I understand that she was sick and didn't have the tools to take care of me. My dad did the best he can as a single parent. Being a parent isn't easy let alone a single parent. If someone has BPD doing DBT is beneficial to managing BPD symptoms. I have taken DBT and it has made coping with life so much easier. I find at 31 my mental disorder is easier because I am loving and accepting myself as I am.
Another very good video! Thanks for this one also! I have deep abandonment issues but have overcome it to the degree that I will leave anyone who does not respect me anymore no matter how much I love them and it tears my heart. I have done it and although my heart was shattered, I never turned back to an unhealthy relationship since I have learned much through people like you. You are a true blessing beyond what you know. God bless!
Howdy hi hi Ms Fairy. My one and only experience interacting with a person with BPD was absolutely horrible. She was only a neighbor renting a room in this shared house. It is now 45 days out from her eviction and removal by sheriff's deputies. And while I love that the house is so quiet now by comparison. There is still an expectation that a sudden explosion of rage is going to pop up at any moment. I can't imagine how hard it would be to have a romantic relationship with such a person.
@@VioletEmerald Sounds horrible. I've primarily encountered NPDs. And one ASPD. My single parent mother has for my entire life been a highly functional alcoholic. So more of a Dr. Jekyll and Ms Hyde kind of deal. But I am convinced that this conditioned myself and my sister to see these behaviors as normal. Impacting greatly our relationships throughout our lives. It was only when my sisters cNPD husband contributed greatly to her demise and then targeted me. That I finally recognized that there was something seriously wrong. And then started to research this stuff. I had a sense that something was wrong for many years. But I blamed my health issues. Ocular migraines, thinking that I was just too easily angered. That was seven years ago this past February. Now I deal with the guilt of having had the intellect, internet access, and evidence to have realized how serious thing were for many years. It's also very frustrating realizing how little so many people know or understand about this topic. And worse still how little they want to understand.
I love it how Anna gives practical steps to action something. I also thought it was really helpful to remember that the reaction of the writers partner is them being triggered by their past stuff, rather than it being all about you. When you can remind yourself of that you are also reminding yourself that you can't fix that original trauma, so the hottest parts of the emotion you see has nothing to do with you. Thanks Anna, that was helpful in so many levels 💐 x
After breaking up with someone I dated for 2 weeks, I endured months of fear for myself and worry about him. His reaction to our breakup were vague threats to hurt himself, and any time I showed him kindness (out of concern) I had to endure hoover/lovebombing attempts, and then anger when it didn’t work. It was a terrifying rollercoaster until I finally cut contact. I had to make peace with the idea that he may hurt himself and blame me. It was not easy. I am so thankful I saw the red flags and decided to end it quickly. I cannot imagine the drama I would have had to deal with if it had become something serious.
I’m sure this took years and years of trying EVERY possible way to be at peace with her, yet you had no peace, because it was ALL on you. Hoping you’re finding your way and finding new joy and new peace. I’m excited for you!!
"You are not inflicting trauma on someone by deciding that the relationship is over. That's not a trauma. It's technically not an abandonment, either." Thank you for this.
Your videos are so wonderful and helpful and practical. I find healing in listening to you respond to these letters, as I can relate to many elements people write about. Thank you so much for your channel and the work you do.
Thanks for sharing your personal story. Must be have not been easy to go through. Listening to your words are helping me understand and work through and out of a relationship with strong traces of BDP. I wasn’t aware of this term until a month ago and now learning more about it, so much is clicking for me. Thank you very much.
All of your videos seem to be speaking directly to me. Cptsd is a hard thing to inherit and learn to live with. I get so angry with my parents for not thinking of anyone but themselves during my (and my sister's) formative years that it's difficult to have a relationship with them sometimes. People with good parents that loved them properly, supported them emotionally and provided the tools necessary to be successful would NEVER understand how lucky they are. I envy people who had that in their youth. I'll soon be 53 years old and still struggling to find healing and normalcy. Thanks for your content, Anna. It's helping me see things I was blind to before watching your videos. I'm trying so hard to integrate this information into real-world situations.
The stuff shes talking about between 13 and 14 mins is so true. They will do anything to make you stay no matter how bad things are and it will destroy you. I can relate to a lot of all this letter.
Thank you for making this . I have bpd and c-ptsd . Compassion but clear boundaries are important. It’s important to consider the other person , but ultimately the person leading needs to focus on self care . Thank you for what you do ❤edit leaving not leading
I feel like I could've written this letter almost exactly the same way. Emotional abusive mom, avoidant go along to get along dad, spouse with what has got to be quiet bpd and all of this sounds like life.
I don’t usually post negative comments, but feel that I need to mention a couple of points here: 1) BPD is not hard to treat. With treatments such as DBT and Schema Therapy, the prognosis for people with BPD is pretty good. Research shows that with DBT alone, 77% of patients are able to reduce their DBT traits to the point where they no longer meet the DSM criteria of BPD. 2) People with BPD did not choose to have BPD. It is a result of both nature and nurture. That’s not to say people with BPD don’t have the agency to seek treatment. Saying BPD can be very hard to treat, or painting an extreme case of BPD here can be distressing for people who may have BPD traits, and worrying for people who think they may be dealing with someone with BPD.
Here’s the truth, he’s refusing to respect her wishes and expressing controlling behaviors. This can get dangerous for the letter writer. The BPD diagnosis speaks nothing about the persons heart but it does speak directly to what the letter writer is experiencing. Adults with CPTSD can express narcissistic traits that make it difficult to be with us when they are not mentally healthy if you’re not regulated and using tools. Same with people with BPD. We need to be comfortable with speaking the truth.
Idea for a lighter short video: Tell us about your pencil! Love the bright, shiny color and how substantial it looks. It looks like a treasured writing tool. Although I know it's not the main point of it, a side benefit of writing the Daily Practice is its rekindling of my joy in pen and pencil geekery. It feels good to have a daily reason to enjoy tactile, analog tools in our digital world.
I feel like this would be a video for my boyfriend, as I have an inkling that I may have BPD. Hearing you give her the advice to break off the relationship and set no-contact boundaries already gives me anxiety that that's what may be in store for me.
This video made me realize I once dated someone with quiet BPD… he would come to my workplace or where I lived to try and convince me to stay with him. It was so stressful. Im glad I watched this video; it helped me connect some dots.
Sounds like he lost his job during lockdown, got angry, said bad things, got depressed, sat on couch a lot, got diagnosed with a personality disorder, told the therapist he’s really committed to the relationship - … and then she lost interest.
Interesting hearing your views on codependency. I recently joined CoDA. I definitely was going as a "victim". I wasn't seeing myself as part of the problem!
Recently I ended two very new friendships with women my own age. They aren't aquatinted with one another. They were rude demanding and into things that I never do. And although I'm white, for them not white enough. Separately they bullied me and lashed out at me to embarrass me publicly. Throughout I think I handled myself well. I went no contact. Discussing things with them would only create the drama they crave. After nearly two months I received a letter of apology. What she was apologizing for she didn't say. I didn't respond. The other came to my door. I didn't open the door and called out it's not a good time. She sounded thrown off and said but are you ok? Took her a month and a half to wonder if I'm ok? I cheerfully said I'm fine. She followed up with a text saying she hopes she didn't bother me but only wanted to know if I'm ok. I didn't respond. And that's the only way to get rid of the problem. Quietly close the door and walk away.
In my opinion BPD and cPTSD are not different from each other. You said they are distinct, but provided no good reasons for this. The DSM isn't very reliable. Our scientific advancements in understanding trauma show the symptoms of BPD can all be explained as trauma reactions and resultant coping behaviours, plain and simple. BPD is an unhelpful (and often harmful in its stigma) diagnosis and I'd love for the professional mental health class to move beyond it someday. But the DSM still reigns supreme. I know this is ancillary to the main point of the video, but this is a pet peeve of mine. Thanks for the video!
Borderlines have no sense of self. While people with CPTSD are people pleasures and anxiously attached, they're not abusive per se nor have a black and white mentality. Borderlines are also pathological liars and lie a lot about being abused. They also are the worst in admitting faults without playing victim much like narcissists. You are their soulmate (every partner they have is their soulmate btw one day but when they paint you black, they paint everything you've done, even the good ones as bad or with ill intent. They don't have object constancy, they feel that you abandon them just by leaving to go to work, which makes them serial cheaters as well. I can go on and on about it.
How to really know if you have CPTSD or a personality disorder? I do have some traits of some cluster b disorders because of growing up with narcissistic parents but i don't know if i have CPTSD or personality disorder.
Personality disorders are made up systems for categorising people that happen to carry a lot of stigma. It's my opinion that cPTSD/developmental trauma and BPD are the same thing. I wouldn't get too caught up on label, but knowing what I know now about trauma, I think the diagnosis of BPD is uneccessary, unhelpful, and sometimes harmful (stigma of people with BPD being "evil", untreatable, that this is some unchangeable facet of your personality, etc). I would recommend The Body Keeps the Score for a deeper understanding of the science behind trauma and a hopeful look at the interventions that might actually help.
I'm a little worried about the children mentioned, that they want something like a stable family, but its wishful thinking that having a present but unhealthy one is preferrable to such an enviroment not being there at all :/
Thanks Anna for mentioning about the suicide threat, I had two wives that both threatened to kill themselves if the couldn't have me (one ran out in front of 18 wheeler to prove she meant it). When this happened with a 3rd partner I took her to the psych ward thinking she would admit her bluff. She was admitted a number of days, and I was the only ticket out, at least she wasn't bluffing, it does happen. I'm glad I took the threat serious, we have since learned she had both high functioning autism and BPD. BPD has the highest suicide rate of any personality disorder, but when autism is factored in the likelihood increases 6 fold, and on top of that her ACE score is 6. I'm 67 at this point and after 23 years we learned to manage it..
@@ProfessorGothic I have a relationship of 23 years that I'm navigating much better now that the real issues have been uncovered and I now know what I'm dealing with ... at 67 I wouldn't be seeking a new relationship ... even if this one ends
Hi :) can you refer me to a video of yours I can possibly show my cousin ? If you have time ❤️. She’s possibly getting dumped after 5 years and has bad cptsd. She’s at a counselors office getting scheduled but won’t be seen for a few days . I was trying to send her some helpful videos to hopefully help her cope for the next couple days . I know what she’s going through and omgosh my Heart hurts for her . We both may be undiagnosed borderline but I’m not sure . I can tell you she lost her dad at 6 and has been in several abusive relationships . I wish I could help her more
I'm afraid my ex won't tell me it's totally over because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings or thinks I might hurt myself. I'm bipolar and can get very depressed. I've worked hard on myself as of late and let her know she can give me some hard truths if she needs too but she still isn't. So I can't let her go. I've said I want her back and am planning to eventually move to her and start again and she said she needs time to think. Fine. But I get the feeling she just doesn't want to let me down or she likes having me around so she doesn't want to lose that
@@DahliaPage thanks. Sadly I've tried to leave this person but they keep contacting me. Obviously I should just cut it off but I'm so lonely the idea of not having her to talk too hard. I'm definitely trying to move on and work on myself. I figure the better I am the better I am at attracting a good mate for me.
Some of us with BPD are cognizant of our trauma and trying to heal. My last relationship was with a schizophrenic narcissist and I came away with PTSD and chronic anxiety. No matter our diagnosis, we all need to grow and heal. Please don’t demonize BPD afflicted individuals. Not all of us are toxic 😔
@@Chet73 I reiterate… not all of us are. BPD is the poster child for being demonized. It’s time we’re aware that ALL mental illness deserves to be treated with respect and dignity. Take responsibility for seeing red flags in ANY relationship and I’m sure you’ll be fine
@@brittianyistre agree… with ANY MI. It’s not just BPD that has issues. And it’s not an us vs them situation. That’s the problem… division. We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. My last relationship almost took my life. He walked away happy and complete. So no, it’s not cut and dried
For me, the words codependent, cptsd, BPD, it's all tied up together. I think that everyone with BPD, has CPTSD. Maybe not everyone with CPTSD qualifies as BPD.
Yes, agreed. cPTSD and BPD are the same thing. trauma and cPTSD is a spectrum in terms of severity of symptoms, so not everyone with trauma is gonna meet the necessary criteria of BPD.
This is super helpful. Now I know why it's taking a long... I thought I just didn't have balls to do it, not that because I m a girl, lol. Tryna have some humor here...
So what happens to the person with bpd? Are they just screwed? I think I am bipolar and have bpd. Is it possible to heal this? I just want to be able to trust people. I never felt accepted by my family my mom was a single mother she was always mad.. my sons mom broke up with me and I felt like my life was over. It hurts so bad. I can’t take it anymore nobody likes me because of the way I am. I have anxiety 24/7
she broke up with me told me her friend said she needs to block me because its crazy, she said i dont want to do it because i love you and want to marry you and don't want you to go then blocked me LOL i mean the whole thing is a load of shit and i cant go back near her i will die, me cptsd her savage bpd. she can go because she has 10 other people like me i feel like such a fool now it hurts like hell, if i had my time over again i would act on the red flags i seen early. so abusive i mean she says i just cut my wrists because you hurt me just stuff like that all the time, and i go back wtf lol yep got some work to do.
Yes, this is what I was struggling with when Anna was saying for her to leave. I was going to comment something about this but decided to see if anyone else pointed it out. I'm sure there's circumstances where it's necessary to get out of your own house, but not sure this would be one of them. Ofc we don't know quite enough here just from one letter, but yeah, she'd still have legal responsibility to the house even if it was do or die for her to leave. The question is how to get him out, preferably peacefully?
I am suffering with a married man. I am depressed because i Know he won’t ever marry me and if i drop him he will get someone else and I’ll feel all the more miserable and used
I hope you’re ok and one day find the strength to confront him about what you want for both of you knowing he may not give it and be ready to take the steps to move ahead. God bless
so many of the comments here miss the point and are armchair diagnosing ppl with bpd. as someone with bpd, adhd, and cptsd: all three of these (and also some forms of autistic overstimulation) present in much the same way in many ppl. you don't know what someone is going thru. unless they've told you they have it OR you're extremely close (like lived together for yrs close), y'all really need to stop slapping serious psychological dx's on ppl you don't know.
True, and yet this community LOVES doing exactly the same thing to people with narcissism (which is also a mental illness, as is CPTSD and BPD) - they love calling people 'narcs' as tho it excuses their neediness, unreasonableness, delusion and entitled behavior. It's especially prominent in videos about limerence or sponging off their elderly parents they claim are abusive - they take zero responsibility and just label everyone 'my narc ex / my narc parent'.
My condolences on your former BF committing suicide. Something that's changed during my lifetime is traditional Catholics,Eastern Orthodox,& Protestants can't have long term relationships w any random individual. The culture divide is so sharp,traditional Christians are observing how secular "culture" utterly destroys Mankind & makes healthy relationships impossible.
@@thisolcowgirl Or,we have to date inside our denomination or a conservative type of Christian. The days of asking out any random citizen are over for the present time.
i've been in a relationship with a girl with BPD for around eight months, i want to break up with her and i don't know what to do. the passion and care i had for the relationship and being with her is clearly almost gone. i have to hang out with her whenever she wants or she gets upset with me, or with herself. whenever i don't act as she would want me to she talks about me to her friends and makes up lies about me instead of being an adult about things and critically evaluating her choices. she has told me several times that if we were to break up, she *will* kill herself, and she attempted suicide during our relationship after her friend cut her off. i think i will have to spend the rest of my life with this person who has taken a massive toll on my mental health, as she expects us to spend a life together. even if we broke up and she didn't end up dead, she'd blame herself mercilessly and hate herself for the rest of her life, or make up and overexaggerate my flaws, as she has done with her other exes. i'm terrified for the future
Do not move in together before marriage, do things God's way. Both individuals suffered more than necessary. Remember, they took this risk to 'love' their children 💔 Everyone in this reported case is suffering ):
"It doesn't do anyone any favors to stick around and pretend your presence is going to make everybody happy." I always watch therapy on UA-cam because I always leave with exactly what I needed to hear or realize one way or another.
I always overwork or overstep, or over-commit because I think I bring great energy. Still, the longer I burn myself out, the more toxic the situation becomes, and the more I lose my boundaries and sense of self. It makes me someone who *doesn't bring great energy, lol
Seven years ago, I broke up with a BPD person and all hell broke loose - he would stalk on me, threaten me, and bother me in every possible way for the following couple of months - until I finally went to the police and asked for help. It was by far the worst experience of my life. What helped me was standing my ground on my decision to leave, not giving into any of his provocations, taking necessary safety precautions, and a whole lot of support from my friends and family. If you're in a relationship with a BPD person and you're contemplating leaving - most probably, you already know that's the right thing to do. But please make sure you're very careful and ask for external help and support. There's light on the other side of it, I promise you.
Great advice!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Anna, I feel as though every video on this channel is speaking directly to me. I empathise with both people in this relationship because I was the one with BPD and CPTSD, but my partner also had a traumatised childhood. In fact, I think he has CPTSD himself.
BPD is an awful way to live because you know you’re acting crazy, but the emotions you feel are unbearable. You end up lashing out at every perceived slight and hint of abandonment. The two of us were mired in a toxic stew for 20 years until he ended it.
From my perspective, there is no kind way to end a relationship with a borderline. No matter how it’s done, it will hurt like hell, but that’s not her responsibility. She needs to pull off the bandage and go. I threatened suicide and even attempted it once. That said, he also treated me with such cruelty at times, it makes me shudder to think of it now.
As someone who has come out on the other side of a troubled and toxic relationship, I can say with confidence that there IS a better life ahead. I’m actually grateful that my ex ended it because now I can work on my healing. He hasn’t taken any steps to do the same, but that is his road to walk. No one can fix someone else.
👍
Me too, I feel for both of them. My father had severe BPD (before the label was even invented), my mother has always been emotionally cold, not comforting me as a child, anyway, I too have received the BPD diagnosis. I recognise the manipulative, desperate behaviour when faced with abandonment. As a result I find it less painful and frightening to be alone in life. Surely it's the only rational decision. That way I spare not only the other person from my moods, but my moods are calmer as a result.. Some people are just not made for relationships
@@anna-rosephipps3132 Anna-Rose, I’m so sorry you went through those painful life experiences as well. I think another borderline is the only person who truly “gets it.” To the world, your emotional volatility looks insane. I have destroyed and damaged so many relationships in my life. I did do DBT and CBT, which helped me a lot, but I have to be constantly vigilant so that I don’t slip up. I’m not sure the abandonment fears and attachment wounds ever truly disappear. I’m doing Anna’s courses because I want and need to do more healing, but I agree that maybe there are some of us who are better off alone. Much love to you. ❤️
@@designchik Thank you for your empathy, your kind response means a lot. Feel less alone!
@@anna-rosephipps3132 I’m so glad! We really have found our “tribe” on this channel. ❤️
So much light, comfort and peace in this channel, especially when Anna says, "I can help you or even, " I think I can help you." Thank you Fairy Queen ❣️
I had a bpd friend. She dumped me but lord, was it crazy
Yer same. Gave and gave. Then ditched. I hate my erge to help and try and fill their needs.
Well u r luck in a sense. I m waiting for that to happen.
@@ria600 What I hated thw most was no explanation, after ten years. Yet, she has an ex gf who did horrible things that she let back in. Karmas a bitch. She has a bf, mom and son. Once the mom goes, she will be a mess.
If the relationship is jeopardizing your mental health, then break up with them. They are an adult and they are in charge of taking care of their mental health. I was diagnosed with BPD at 17 and at 19 with Asperger's syndrome. BPD is a trauma related induced disorder. Not getting a proper diagnosis as a child and getting diagnosed later in life is pretty traumatizing. My mother had mental illness and addiction issues and wasn't around for me growing up, and blames her absence on my Dad. I understand that she was sick and didn't have the tools to take care of me. My dad did the best he can as a single parent. Being a parent isn't easy let alone a single parent. If someone has BPD doing DBT is beneficial to managing BPD symptoms. I have taken DBT and it has made coping with life so much easier. I find at 31 my mental disorder is easier because I am loving and accepting myself as I am.
Thanks for the advice! I need to get out of a relationship with a person with bpd. Thankfully both of us are in therapy.
Another very good video! Thanks for this one also! I have deep abandonment issues but have overcome it to the degree that I will leave anyone who does not respect me anymore no matter how much I love them and it tears my heart. I have done it and although my heart was shattered, I never turned back to an unhealthy relationship since I have learned much through people like you. You are a true blessing beyond what you know. God bless!
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Howdy hi hi Ms Fairy.
My one and only experience interacting with a person with BPD was absolutely horrible. She was only a neighbor renting a room in this shared house. It is now 45 days out from her eviction and removal by sheriff's deputies. And while I love that the house is so quiet now by comparison. There is still an expectation that a sudden explosion of rage is going to pop up at any moment. I can't imagine how hard it would be to have a romantic relationship with such a person.
And then imagine what's also extremely common - having a mother/parent when you're in your formative childhood year who rages like this and has BPD!
@@VioletEmerald
Sounds horrible. I've primarily encountered NPDs. And one ASPD. My single parent mother has for my entire life been a highly functional alcoholic. So more of a Dr. Jekyll and Ms Hyde kind of deal. But I am convinced that this conditioned myself and my sister to see these behaviors as normal. Impacting greatly our relationships throughout our lives.
It was only when my sisters cNPD husband contributed greatly to her demise and then targeted me. That I finally recognized that there was something seriously wrong. And then started to research this stuff. I had a sense that something was wrong for many years. But I blamed my health issues. Ocular migraines, thinking that I was just too easily angered.
That was seven years ago this past February. Now I deal with the guilt of having had the intellect, internet access, and evidence to have realized how serious thing were for many years. It's also very frustrating realizing how little so many people know or understand about this topic. And worse still how little they want to understand.
It's not romantic,rather a slow grind daily living Hell and it only gets worse from there.
I love it how Anna gives practical steps to action something. I also thought it was really helpful to remember that the reaction of the writers partner is them being triggered by their past stuff, rather than it being all about you. When you can remind yourself of that you are also reminding yourself that you can't fix that original trauma, so the hottest parts of the emotion you see has nothing to do with you. Thanks Anna, that was helpful in so many levels 💐 x
Thanks so much for chiming in!
-Cara@TeamFairy
After breaking up with someone I dated for 2 weeks, I endured months of fear for myself and worry about him. His reaction to our breakup were vague threats to hurt himself, and any time I showed him kindness (out of concern) I had to endure hoover/lovebombing attempts, and then anger when it didn’t work. It was a terrifying rollercoaster until I finally cut contact. I had to make peace with the idea that he may hurt himself and blame me. It was not easy.
I am so thankful I saw the red flags and decided to end it quickly. I cannot imagine the drama I would have had to deal with if it had become something serious.
@Cynthia Accrue ??
Oh man, stories like this make me afraid to start dating anyone. You just never know who you might get mixed up with!
Breaking up. With my Mum. 😞
(BPD/NPD, I just cannot do it anymore).
I've just done it too, for those reasons too, I am finally free
My heart goes out to you. Sending you a virtual hug.
I’m sure this took years and years of trying EVERY possible way to be at peace with her, yet you had no peace, because it was ALL on you. Hoping you’re finding your way and finding new joy and new peace. I’m excited for you!!
I hit that point 5 years ago with my mom.
This is exactly how I feel right now. Thank you. And hugs and blessings to Tricia.
Anna is helping the world, one video at a time. Thank you ❤❤❤❤❤❤
Yes she is. Everytime my mind is blown.
🤗
Truly
“I have a Dream” 💭 that one ☝️ day she is a required course in school! ❤️❤️😘😘🥰🌻🌹🌹🌹🌹
"You are not inflicting trauma on someone by deciding that the relationship is over. That's not a trauma. It's technically not an abandonment, either."
Thank you for this.
Your videos are so wonderful and helpful and practical. I find healing in listening to you respond to these letters, as I can relate to many elements people write about. Thank you so much for your channel and the work you do.
I am addicted to your channel. I am learning so much from your channel. Thank you.🙏
Happy to hear that!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thanks for sharing your personal story. Must be have not been easy to go through. Listening to your words are helping me understand and work through and out of a relationship with strong traces of BDP. I wasn’t aware of this term until a month ago and now learning more about it, so much is clicking for me. Thank you very much.
It was the manipulation in the end for me that caused me to just move on, after 20 years. I was done.
All of your videos seem to be speaking directly to me. Cptsd is a hard thing to inherit and learn to live with. I get so angry with my parents for not thinking of anyone but themselves during my (and my sister's) formative years that it's difficult to have a relationship with them sometimes. People with good parents that loved them properly, supported them emotionally and provided the tools necessary to be successful would NEVER understand how lucky they are. I envy people who had that in their youth. I'll soon be 53 years old and still struggling to find healing and normalcy.
Thanks for your content, Anna. It's helping me see things I was blind to before watching your videos. I'm trying so hard to integrate this information into real-world situations.
Glad you are here! Good luck on your healing journey!
Nika@TeamFairy
The stuff shes talking about between 13 and 14 mins is so true. They will do anything to make you stay no matter how bad things are and it will destroy you. I can relate to a lot of all this letter.
Thank you for making this . I have bpd and c-ptsd . Compassion but clear boundaries are important. It’s important to consider the other person , but ultimately the person leading needs to focus on self care . Thank you for what you do ❤edit leaving not leading
Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Thanks for being so honest. Helped me a lot
I'm so happy to hear that! Thank you for taking the time to comment. -Calista@TeamFairy
That was a very thorough letter with much self awareness
Another amazing video from our CCF🥰
I feel like I could've written this letter almost exactly the same way. Emotional abusive mom, avoidant go along to get along dad, spouse with what has got to be quiet bpd and all of this sounds like life.
I don’t usually post negative comments, but feel that I need to mention a couple of points here:
1) BPD is not hard to treat. With treatments such as DBT and Schema Therapy, the prognosis for people with BPD is pretty good. Research shows that with DBT alone, 77% of patients are able to reduce their DBT traits to the point where they no longer meet the DSM criteria of BPD.
2) People with BPD did not choose to have BPD. It is a result of both nature and nurture. That’s not to say people with BPD don’t have the agency to seek treatment. Saying BPD can be very hard to treat, or painting an extreme case of BPD here can be distressing for people who may have BPD traits, and worrying for people who think they may be dealing with someone with BPD.
There was nothing negative in what you wrote!
people are evil towards those with bpd, it is disgusting. calling people "borderlines" is absolutely dehumanizing
Here’s the truth, he’s refusing to respect her wishes and expressing controlling behaviors. This can get dangerous for the letter writer. The BPD diagnosis speaks nothing about the persons heart but it does speak directly to what the letter writer is experiencing. Adults with CPTSD can express narcissistic traits that make it difficult to be with us when they are not mentally healthy if you’re not regulated and using tools. Same with people with BPD. We need to be comfortable with speaking the truth.
Idea for a lighter short video: Tell us about your pencil! Love the bright, shiny color and how substantial it looks. It looks like a treasured writing tool. Although I know it's not the main point of it, a side benefit of writing the Daily Practice is its rekindling of my joy in pen and pencil geekery. It feels good to have a daily reason to enjoy tactile, analog tools in our digital world.
YES! Pencil geek here. It's a Zenzoi, .07 enameled pencil. Downside: No eraser. It's like the uncomfortable (but fabulous) shoes of pencils.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Ooooo just glanced at their website for a pen/pencil fantasy break ... I love the green enamel version, too.
I feel like this would be a video for my boyfriend, as I have an inkling that I may have BPD. Hearing you give her the advice to break off the relationship and set no-contact boundaries already gives me anxiety that that's what may be in store for me.
Thank you!
Honestly, a partner who had been pushed beyond their limit will not care about a BPD breakdown. And rightfully so. We humans can only take so much.
This video made me realize I once dated someone with quiet BPD… he would come to my workplace or where I lived to try and convince me to stay with him. It was so stressful. Im glad I watched this video; it helped me connect some dots.
thank you
thank you, just thank you
Thank you for this. I really needed it.
Sounds like he lost his job during lockdown, got angry, said bad things, got depressed, sat on couch a lot, got diagnosed with a personality disorder, told the therapist he’s really committed to the relationship -
… and then she lost interest.
Interesting hearing your views on codependency. I recently joined CoDA. I definitely was going as a "victim". I wasn't seeing myself as part of the problem!
Thank you 😊
I learned so much about myself in this video.
CPSD - I mourn so many relationships. 🙏❤️😘😍🌻🥰🥰🥰🥰
Loosing myself in relationships
I'm glad it was helpful :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Imagine doing all that with a child in the middle.
She definitely needs to have a shelter on speed dial.. and the police and 911 as well.
Meanwhile they are sleeping with other people and having the time of their lives
Well.....raise your hand if you have BPD? Relationships are non-existent and it's best to keep it that way.
She would get help and support through a CODA group or another 12 step group too .
You mention 12step often. There is a 12step program for codependency. The boundaries in meetings are top quality 👌
Oh you said it at the end 😅
Recently I ended two very new friendships with women my own age. They aren't aquatinted with one another. They were rude demanding and into things that I never do. And although I'm white, for them not white enough. Separately they bullied me and lashed out at me to embarrass me publicly. Throughout I think I handled myself well. I went no contact. Discussing things with them would only create the drama they crave. After nearly two months I received a letter of apology. What she was apologizing for she didn't say. I didn't respond. The other came to my door. I didn't open the door and called out it's not a good time. She sounded thrown off and said but are you ok? Took her a month and a half to wonder if I'm ok? I cheerfully said I'm fine. She followed up with a text saying she hopes she didn't bother me but only wanted to know if I'm ok.
I didn't respond. And that's the only way to get rid of the problem. Quietly close the door and walk away.
I'm curious to know what not being "white enough" means? Things are so weird these days. I hate woke shit.
In my opinion BPD and cPTSD are not different from each other. You said they are distinct, but provided no good reasons for this. The DSM isn't very reliable. Our scientific advancements in understanding trauma show the symptoms of BPD can all be explained as trauma reactions and resultant coping behaviours, plain and simple. BPD is an unhelpful (and often harmful in its stigma) diagnosis and I'd love for the professional mental health class to move beyond it someday. But the DSM still reigns supreme. I know this is ancillary to the main point of the video, but this is a pet peeve of mine. Thanks for the video!
I think our views toward this video and BPD are quite similar. See my comments.
Borderlines have no sense of self. While people with CPTSD are people pleasures and anxiously attached, they're not abusive per se nor have a black and white mentality. Borderlines are also pathological liars and lie a lot about being abused. They also are the worst in admitting faults without playing victim much like narcissists.
You are their soulmate (every partner they have is their soulmate btw one day but when they paint you black, they paint everything you've done, even the good ones as bad or with ill intent. They don't have object constancy, they feel that you abandon them just by leaving to go to work, which makes them serial cheaters as well.
I can go on and on about it.
How to really know if you have CPTSD or a personality disorder? I do have some traits of some cluster b disorders because of growing up with narcissistic parents but i don't know if i have CPTSD or personality disorder.
It's possible to have BPD traits without qualifying for BPD. Periods of stress can bring traits out in those with a history of trauma.
Personality disorders are made up systems for categorising people that happen to carry a lot of stigma. It's my opinion that cPTSD/developmental trauma and BPD are the same thing. I wouldn't get too caught up on label, but knowing what I know now about trauma, I think the diagnosis of BPD is uneccessary, unhelpful, and sometimes harmful (stigma of people with BPD being "evil", untreatable, that this is some unchangeable facet of your personality, etc). I would recommend The Body Keeps the Score for a deeper understanding of the science behind trauma and a hopeful look at the interventions that might actually help.
I'm a little worried about the children mentioned, that they want something like a stable family, but its wishful thinking that having a present but unhealthy one is preferrable to such an enviroment not being there at all :/
What about if you're partner tells you your being selfish when you say you need a few minutes ??
Take the time you need without permission!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you for your videos and sharing so much information
I wish my friend Amy could have got away from her drug addict fiance before he murdered her after she tried to break it off. 😢...
Thank you.
Thanks Anna for mentioning about the suicide threat, I had two wives that both threatened to kill themselves if the couldn't have me (one ran out in front of 18 wheeler to prove she meant it). When this happened with a 3rd partner I took her to the psych ward thinking she would admit her bluff. She was admitted a number of days, and I was the only ticket out, at least she wasn't bluffing, it does happen. I'm glad I took the threat serious, we have since learned she had both high functioning autism and BPD. BPD has the highest suicide rate of any personality disorder, but when autism is factored in the likelihood increases 6 fold, and on top of that her ACE score is 6. I'm 67 at this point and after 23 years we learned to manage it..
I'm so glad to hear that!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@ProfessorGothic Yes absolutely ... but only the past couple of years ... I'm a rescuer ( the supply side of the codependent relationship )
@@ProfessorGothic I have a relationship of 23 years that I'm navigating much better now that the real issues have been uncovered and I now know what I'm dealing with ... at 67 I wouldn't be seeking a new relationship ... even if this one ends
Hi :) can you refer me to a video of yours I can possibly show my cousin ? If you have time ❤️. She’s possibly getting dumped after 5 years and has bad cptsd. She’s at a counselors office getting scheduled but won’t be seen for a few days . I was trying to send her some helpful videos to hopefully help her cope for the next couple days . I know what she’s going through and omgosh my Heart hurts for her . We both may be undiagnosed borderline but I’m not sure . I can tell you she lost her dad at 6 and has been in several abusive relationships . I wish I could help her more
This is a good one to start with :) ua-cam.com/video/ZzBl1zEf17Y/v-deo.html
-Cara@TeamFairy
Hi Crappy
How are you doing today🌹🌹?
I’m watching and my intuition senses that someone feels so responsible for a woman that he is leading on. 2014-2024 🛫
I'm afraid my ex won't tell me it's totally over because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings or thinks I might hurt myself. I'm bipolar and can get very depressed. I've worked hard on myself as of late and let her know she can give me some hard truths if she needs too but she still isn't. So I can't let her go. I've said I want her back and am planning to eventually move to her and start again and she said she needs time to think. Fine. But I get the feeling she just doesn't want to let me down or she likes having me around so she doesn't want to lose that
My unsolicited advise. Choose people that choose you. If you are unsure, you are not being chosen.
@@DahliaPage thanks. Sadly I've tried to leave this person but they keep contacting me. Obviously I should just cut it off but I'm so lonely the idea of not having her to talk too hard. I'm definitely trying to move on and work on myself. I figure the better I am the better I am at attracting a good mate for me.
Some of us with BPD are cognizant of our trauma and trying to heal. My last relationship was with a schizophrenic narcissist and I came away with PTSD and chronic anxiety. No matter our diagnosis, we all need to grow and heal. Please don’t demonize BPD afflicted individuals. Not all of us are toxic 😔
If you have untreated BPD you are toxic AF. No offense.
@@Chet73 I reiterate… not all of us are. BPD is the poster child for being demonized. It’s time we’re aware that ALL mental illness deserves to be treated with respect and dignity. Take responsibility for seeing red flags in ANY relationship and I’m sure you’ll be fine
@@brittianyistre agree… with ANY MI. It’s not just BPD that has issues. And it’s not an us vs them situation. That’s the problem… division. We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. My last relationship almost took my life. He walked away happy and complete. So no, it’s not cut and dried
100%
@@Chet73 wrong. your comment is toxic.
For me, the words codependent, cptsd, BPD, it's all tied up together. I think that everyone with BPD, has CPTSD.
Maybe not everyone with CPTSD qualifies as BPD.
Yes, agreed. cPTSD and BPD are the same thing. trauma and cPTSD is a spectrum in terms of severity of symptoms, so not everyone with trauma is gonna meet the necessary criteria of BPD.
That’s very helpful! I’ve never thought of it that way. Thanks for the comment.
I agree but when a person with cpstd gets triggered they can exhibit borderline traits. They definitely overlap but borderline is more severe.
This is super helpful. Now I know why it's taking a long... I thought I just didn't have balls to do it, not that because I m a girl, lol. Tryna have some humor here...
A classic case of 2 wrongs not making a right .
16:50-17.09.. 💯
So what happens to the person with bpd? Are they just screwed? I think I am bipolar and have bpd. Is it possible to heal this? I just want to be able to trust people. I never felt accepted by my family my mom was a single mother she was always mad.. my sons mom broke up with me and I felt like my life was over. It hurts so bad. I can’t take it anymore nobody likes me because of the way I am. I have anxiety 24/7
I m also tired of my BPD and i just don't know how to heal.
BPD can be healed. With DBT and / or Schema Therapy, the prognosis for BPD is actually pretty good.
The trick is to let them think they're breaking up with you.
I miss her
she broke up with me told me her friend said she needs to block me because its crazy, she said i dont want to do it because i love you and want to marry you and don't want you to go then blocked me LOL i mean the whole thing is a load of shit and i cant go back near her i will die, me cptsd her savage bpd. she can go because she has 10 other people like me i feel like such a fool
now it hurts like hell, if i had my time over again i would act on the red flags i seen early. so abusive i mean she says i just cut my wrists because you hurt me just stuff like that all the time, and i go back wtf lol yep got some work to do.
She owns the house 🏡.
Yes, this is what I was struggling with when Anna was saying for her to leave. I was going to comment something about this but decided to see if anyone else pointed it out. I'm sure there's circumstances where it's necessary to get out of your own house, but not sure this would be one of them. Ofc we don't know quite enough here just from one letter, but yeah, she'd still have legal responsibility to the house even if it was do or die for her to leave. The question is how to get him out, preferably peacefully?
@@wordivore it is really hard to get someone leave. He has legal rights to be there.
@@rturney6376 Yeah, that's true too. What do you think she should do?
It’s her house, right?
❤️
God, I look at you sub numbers and I think 💭 “what a wonderful world 🌎 “ if you had 10 Million subs!!! 🌹😍🥰🙏❤️😘🌻🌹😍🙏🙏❤️😘🌻
I would love that. Thank you.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy all that healing and self awareness In the world 😍🙏😘❤️🥰🌻
❤
I am suffering with a married man. I am depressed because i Know he won’t ever marry me and if i drop him he will get someone else and I’ll feel all the more miserable and used
If you break up with him - your healing can begin.
I hope you’re ok and one day find the strength to confront him about what you want for both of you knowing he may not give it and be ready to take the steps to move ahead. God bless
He's already with someone else
If he cheats on his wife, he'll cheat on you too.
You have a lot of fear about what will happen if you go, this technique can help bit.ly/38JfzK1
-Cara@TeamFairy
so many of the comments here miss the point and are armchair diagnosing ppl with bpd. as someone with bpd, adhd, and cptsd: all three of these (and also some forms of autistic overstimulation) present in much the same way in many ppl. you don't know what someone is going thru. unless they've told you they have it OR you're extremely close (like lived together for yrs close), y'all really need to stop slapping serious psychological dx's on ppl you don't know.
True, and yet this community LOVES doing exactly the same thing to people with narcissism (which is also a mental illness, as is CPTSD and BPD) - they love calling people 'narcs' as tho it excuses their neediness, unreasonableness, delusion and entitled behavior. It's especially prominent in videos about limerence or sponging off their elderly parents they claim are abusive - they take zero responsibility and just label everyone 'my narc ex / my narc parent'.
😌😌😌😌
Not surprised to see BPD demonized in this video and in most of the comments. Shame.
They are controlling not borderline .
I wish I had a significant other 🥺😢
Hold on in there, buddy 💕
My psych said CPSD IS THE NEW TERM FOR BPD
Really that’s interesting, how come?
Not true.
absolutely not true, CPTSD is not marked by idolize/devalue cycles and manipulative behavior
@@bellamango6708 only need 5 traits dear
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy is true and you only need five traits
My condolences on your former BF committing suicide.
Something that's changed during my lifetime is traditional Catholics,Eastern Orthodox,& Protestants can't have long term relationships w any random individual. The culture divide is so sharp,traditional Christians are observing how secular "culture" utterly destroys Mankind & makes healthy relationships impossible.
@@thisolcowgirl Or,we have to date inside our denomination or a conservative type of Christian.
The days of asking out any random citizen are over for the present time.
i've been in a relationship with a girl with BPD for around eight months, i want to break up with her and i don't know what to do. the passion and care i had for the relationship and being with her is clearly almost gone. i have to hang out with her whenever she wants or she gets upset with me, or with herself. whenever i don't act as she would want me to she talks about me to her friends and makes up lies about me instead of being an adult about things and critically evaluating her choices. she has told me several times that if we were to break up, she *will* kill herself, and she attempted suicide during our relationship after her friend cut her off. i think i will have to spend the rest of my life with this person who has taken a massive toll on my mental health, as she expects us to spend a life together. even if we broke up and she didn't end up dead, she'd blame herself mercilessly and hate herself for the rest of her life, or make up and overexaggerate my flaws, as she has done with her other exes. i'm terrified for the future
Time to pull the plug and GTFO bro. All she will do is drag you down into her pit
Did you manage to get out of it?
Do not move in together before marriage, do things God's way. Both individuals suffered more than necessary. Remember, they took this risk to 'love' their children 💔
Everyone in this reported case is suffering ):
Thank you for all your videos! 🙏
Glad you like them!
-Cara@TeamFairy