The longer you stay isolated, the more people annoy you, and the more you feel like a wild animal between them. The wild animal that only wants to escape as fast as possible. I have been there not by choice for years. Now I am choosing to cut out or distance some people who exhaust me or try to use me and take advantage of me.
I feel like a wild animal between healthy people. What about your surrounded by toxic, narcissistic and negative ones and you feel they are the wild ones and you avoid them like the plague? That's my case. I protect myself from toxic people but it seems like I'm avoiding wrongly the good, kind, healthy ones.
I think I can say, I relate to how you feel. My impression is that probably(likely!) people really have changed in the past few decades. Greed and selfishness is making a large chunk of the population (regardless of country) difficult to bear or tolerate. Yet, somehow it is socially not accepted to be *different* I understand that for many people -who have avoidance issues- being an outcast socially is scary place to be: most humans are wired to be social. But there are a growing number of humans who just want...to be. A silly example (I know, fictional but still) is Radegast from Lord of the Rings. He seems strange for the, well, everyone inside Tolkien's world but Radegast gets along perfectly well with everything alive, except for humans. Long comment short, maybe there is no 'fault' with being different. It's OKAY to be different💚
I used to think I needed people... but once I realized I didn't, I realized I actually love my alone time. After that, I realized I'm extremely introverted... and need my alone time. Now that I've accepted these things... I've realized it's okay to not need to be around other people to be happy. The internet is such an amazing place because introverts like myself can learn things we would have never learned about ourselves. 💕
@@JadedMuse2 Would you say society looks on introverts as if they were 'not okay'? Like it's a bad thing, like a deviation from 'normal'? I feel it's also important to point out that a ton of people mistaken 'alone time' for lonely. While loneliness really can kill😞, being alone can be the most refreshing and fulfilling time for some. It's interesting to ponder though; would those of us - who grew up with difficult or traumatic childhood- be still be introverts and avoiding society with a normal childhood? 🤔
Now I finally get what's going on with me. You're so right about about how draining my Avoidant Attachment style is. My awakening has come at a price. Losing my girlfriend of 4 years because I couldn't regulate my emotions, didn't know how to get out of my 5yr old, 12 yr old and 17 yr old self. I would get waves of depression, guilt, anxiety and numbness at how much pain I was causing my partner - but had no skill set to show up as an adult. I had no understanding of why I would turn into these kids when deep intimate adult conversation was needed to develop our relationship further or address an issue or work through a problem together. The damn child or teenager would show up every time. Didn't matter that intellectually I knew that things were off (always being in my head)...I'm so tired of having those kids run my emotional life. Loss, and finally desperate to take charge of these destructive patterns (now that the door is closed on our relationship) has me wanting, willing and ready to receive the help I need to understand and work through my years of ingrained avoidant patterns. I've enrolled in an 8 week avoidant personality disorder program, have been seeing a therapist regularly for the past 2 1/2 months and will be working with a men's avoidant group...so much pain I've caused her, so much pain and numbness in my own life. Thanks for this. Sorry for the long statement.
Would your men’s group happen to be with the Christian facility program and if so, can you share the name of it ? the program? I would love to bring it to our church
@deanporter5882 I can so relate. I'm sitting here shaking my head. 😑💔😭 My 2 year old & 5 year old selves have been "working overtime" lately, due to an amicable decision to split up, between my partner and myself of 12 1/2 years. We both realized we had gotten too toxic for each other. And I know I need to do Inner Child/Trauma work with someone. I wish I didn't feel so small. My heart goes out to you. I pray that your pain will lessen, and your days become kinder and more manageable. I'm praying that for myself as well. Cheers!
@@victoriarosario3338 So sorry to hear that Victoria. The more I'm in this community of Avoidants and Anxious and see stories that are similar (sometimes I get very sad) I feel it so much more deeply when couples end up splitting up, but I also am heartened by the fact that we're all sharing. It's so important to get help. I can't tell you how it's been opening me up. The peaks and valleys still continue and I think of my ex a lot, but my weekly regimen of workshops, connecting, learning, reading, excercise, makes a major difference in keeping me centered. Prayers 🙏
I noticed how small my world had become basically my bedroom at only 38 . I’m realizing that we have to plug into life ( we’re here anyway) or we are just dying
@@lindsaypeek63 I'm right there with you, same thing with me..I was so afraid of getting hurt again I was unconsciously isolating more & more. I'm so thankful for this channel! Better than all of my past therapists .💜
@sadiaarman363 Yes, you are so right. That's probably why I feel so lost. I have just started joining old friends at our local library to play music again. They are most definitely a lifeline of which I am so grateful. But in isolating, I have missed a lot of what's been going on in their lives. I hope to be better with that. Sooner than later.🥲🙏
The hardest thing is finding appropriate support. I don’t want to open up all of my past to someone because frankly it’s overwhelming for others to hear. At the same time it’s the not sharing that separates me from others. Both of these things are true and it’s a tough spot to be in.
in my job i hear many peoples life stories.........stories became managable when i left someone's life story as theirs and do my owm self care. if someone's life story iz yo much for me at Times i go to counselor. having my own tools toanage my life and leaving a syory were i find it.........when someones story shows me my wounds i fhen i need to focus on self and set boumdzries more often till on my feet. listening tp someones wounds is reazonable i get in to trouble when i have desire to fix....... find people who arent reaching and who ask good questions
That’s the same with me. I’m not cool enough for the worldly crowd, but I saw too much to ever be innocent and unknowing. And from a family that would keep Jerry Springer in storylines for years. It’s just easier not to go into all of it… until it gets lonely
Is it overwhelming to other people? Or do you feel like your overwhelming because it overwhelms you? When you talk, you heal, when you don't, people lose the ability to see you in full-frame, a big part of who you are goes unbeknown to others, you've got this and you are not a burden ❤
Anna, thank you so much for helping me realize that I have been covertly avoiding getting close to people because of my CPTSD. When you said that I can not heal in isolation, I cried for days, I was devastated. I understand better how I have been avoiding living my life by having a cluttered home, too embarassed to have people over, and feeling left out, not really connecting with people. I want to make a change, am now slowly but surely decluttering my home, bettering my work and income, going to therapy and binge watching all your content. Again, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart❤
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you 🙏🏻 I often experience that your videos are God sent at the times I need extra encouragement, look forward to seeing the video about clutter!
Ragga, from your comment it feels like you have genuinely found the right path you needed to take in your life. I'm mo expert, just a fellow person that seem to have a ton of similarities with you and others here, clutter included. 😂😂 It's not funny but made me laugh, in a good way. I sincerely wish you to keep heading the right direction so you can fully reclaim the life you wish and deserve. Best wishes (I truly mean it) 💚
I've been so damaged in the past and present by family, friends and strangers that avoidance has become a safety net for me. It's become my go-to survival tactic.
I have Meeting today for my sons football team. After confirming I would come, I felt all the energy sucked out of me. I feel tired now and I am already coming up with reasons im not going to make it.... all that to say, this video is right on time.
I've been doing this for many years..started with Jr high..hated math n terrible at algebra so I'd dread going. I do it everyday..now. Can't leave the house most days for simple things...grocery shopping, Pharmacy..even going to visit my baby grandson that I adore...visiting my elderly mom. I just cant..I'm so angry at myself.
I have spent most of my adult life as an avoidant but am pleased to say that I have been reaching out to old friends and participating in life and it feels great
Same medical situation happened to me at the same time I went through my divorce. I am a chronic avoider. It 'works' in the moment, but you pay for it down the road with the lack of long term, deep connections and friendships.
Maybe, though I've observed there aren't many long-term deep connections with people that didn't have trauma/ aren't accident. I have avoidant attachment, but I'm connected enough to where I do have friends and we don't eventually fall out 😅
@@Heyu7her3 yes! I love having other friends w trauma because they are understanding of the hard times and still love you even if you cancel. As long as you can also handle they will also cancel sometimes. Low maintence friends are my favourite because we know we are struggling and want to support not add more stress
The worst thing i ever did to myself was staying in my comfort zone it derailed my life and kept me mentally in a self-made mental prison and leaving my comfort zone, truly challenging myself and taking risks was the key to my freedom and my peace of mind. Leaving my comfortzone was as empowering.
Thank you so much for this video. I may have shed a few tears listening to you. Like rain falling over a barren land. I may be a 41 year old woman from India but I am actually a scared 14 year old girl assaulted person who has truly never moved from that age. I am so scared of people and so used to not being believed and heard .
“Not having any relationships that could sustain you in hard times is what chronic avoidance will get you.” I genuinely did not think of that. Your experience is actually is quite harrowing. As someone who has avoided people all my life (I’m 25) and pretty much had surface level relationships, I guess that is what I needed to hear.
We can work hard on choosing our chosen family. It doesn't have to be blood relatives. People can find each other and become support and community to each other.
We can work hard on choosing our chosen family. It doesn't have to be blood relatives. People can find each other and become support and community to each other.
@@theirrationalsage Yes. And that makes it all the harder to reach out. If it weren't for the ladies at our weekly Women's Depression & Support Group, run by our Psychologist, I don't know where I'd be...
Imagine you avoided people all your life & you're 82. Can't afford treatment & have been disconnected from people for a couple of years so don't know how to socialize.
Just when I’m about to lose hope, this video came right on time. I can’t believe somebody else can describe exactly who I am. This is wild. I thought I was crazy & ALONE.
"A connection injury" lit up a bulb in my mind. Had never thought about it like that before. To frame avoidance in this way is really freeing, feels like a release from shame and pathology.
At 63, I'm so good at this, I call myself hibernating. 😏 but now spring is here...I'm running out of excuses...my agoraphobia is at a place where, I don't just stay in my house...I stay in my room, my *sanctuary.* I even put my coffee station in here.😏 everything I need is right here...except human contact. 😐
I'm currently buying kitchen appliances for my room so that I don't even need to leave for meals and snacks. I thought it would give me more independence and less conflict - as I often feel that my housemates are disrespectful of my belongings and the communal spaces are covered with sticky food leftovers that get onto my clothing. There's only certain housemates that I feel comfortable spending time around and I know it's a problem with me because objectively they're really nice people, they're just stressed and rushing a lot which makes me feel uncomfortable
A former partner, who is absolutely lovely, is the avoidant type, very much does this unconsciously and didn't have any deep friendships until I started engaging with him on interacting more meaningfully. After a few years it became too much to be the interpreter, and led a lot of conflict that both of us contributed to, so we found we couldn't be permanent. But he grew a lot and I grew a lot too in the relationship. All that being said, avoidant people can be incredibly loving and sweet and I love that you're making this video. A lot of people can benefit from this and have richer lives because of these advices.
My problem is that I'm too independent in the mind and don't really need people. I'm fine being alone even though I know it's bad and I want to make friends (because I know it's bad for me if I don't) but the urge isn't there. I find people draining and I have to make a conscious effort to match their energy. Not only that but I find at times that people are only interested in talking about themselves and don't really care to get to know me. So it's either I start interviewing them or they start talking about themselves to me. So my three major problems are is one I lack the urge/energy to socialize, my comfort place is being alone, and it's hard truly to express myself.
Do things you enjoy, work places you enjoy and meet like minded people there. Learn the skill of asserting yourself You didn't ask for my advice but I hope this was helpful
@@SimplyaLady92 thank you for the advice. I've been trying to tell myself that too because to be honest a lot of people around I don't vibe with well. I feel bad though because I feel so hot and cold because sometimes I have the ability to talk to people. But other times I'm avoidant because I don't have the energy to keep entertaining people so sometimes people think I'm upset when I'm not, just tired/drained. I'm scared I'm always going to be stuck this way.
@minervaowl8298 Get yours first. What entertains you? If you can't think of anything, go live and experience more so you can find that thing. Talk about that thing with people. Entertain yourself on other people's presence and invite people to join in on the fun with you. People just want to have fun and laugh. After someone has learned that they can laugh and enjoy themselves enough times with you and vice versa, then the deeper connection will follow (personal feelings, inner thoughts that you mind sharing) I relate to what you wrote, and it's ok to put your desires first and open yourself up to company joining in.
@@simonar6492 I'm both. I'm introverted but extremely avoidant as well. I can be alone for long periods of time and can't get emotionally attached easily. But I'm also introverted because I have a low social battery. My problem though is my hot and cold behavior. I can be social for one minute and then shut down the next. It's hard for me to bounce back too. I can't adapt anymore and it's like I'm like two different people. Imagine a person who is social who can get a whole room to laugh and then a visibly depress person quiet in the corner. I am both and it's jarring.
OMG! 10 million thousand % this is me! I even avoid learning about this because then I will have to do something about it. It’s painful and draining for me to be around people. It’s exhausting.
This is so me. Can't get myself motivated to get out of bed and get to where I need to be on time. Numbed out and avoiding anything. Especially cleaning and cooking. I had some medical issues over the past year and I really learned who is and isn't there for me. All the people who had said they would come and visit me while recuperating never followed through. Not even a phone call to check in on me. So I am trying to rely on the kind people that I don't know as well as the unreliable ones. Working on reaching out.
I am the same as you, not coping with daily responsibilities at all, very insecure anxious and isolated. No 'friends' at all, family angry with my 'victim' behaviour. The worry about being ill is a big one, especially as I get older. The real life cases of people dead in their home for months, even years could well apply to me, or i will be a nuisance to some paid help, who does not do a conscientious job. There was a young woman in London who was mummified when she was finally found on her sofa, years after she was last seen. The tv was still on. She was only found because of the arrears on her electricity bill. I can't remember what happened about her job, she might have been a temp.
@@sanataj 😢 I isolate due to being hard of hearing. I was born with a hearing problem and doctors told my parent it would get worse with time. I’m 55 and my hearing is so bad, it’s exasperating to not be able to understand what is being said. I hear sounds and get bits and pieces of a conversation but I can’t follow. I get depressed. People say why don’t you get hearing aids or copliar implants: I have nerve damage and neither of those work. I know a little sign language but that should have been started with me as a kid. My pops was a long distance truck driver so if he was home he was sleeping. I feel more like a bother to ask people to repeat themselves multiple times. So I just isolate.
Volunteering for some event can feel like climbing a mountain but even just one time showing up to do a random thing that the group needs can put you on a different path. It's like a light switch. I kinda got tricked into being the leader of a meetup group years ago. I met so many people and yah some were super annoying or triggering. But some are now lifelong friends. Just sitting by another human can be a step. Random people can be safer for us. Much easier than family in my case.❤
@@tinaknutsen you’re not a bother for asking people to repeat themselves a ton of time if those people care about you at all. Also, see if your area has a local deaf community. Join it, and learn sign language. It is never too late and those folks are some of the most accepting folks I’ve ever met even if you’re not fully deaf.
@@briannawaldorf8485 I know certain family members care, but they do get frustrated with me because I can’t follow a conversation. My son just cuts me off and says “never mind “ or “forget it” and my brother can be down right rude. They don’t completely get it…what it feels like to be treated like this for something you can’t control….their wives call them out on it when they see it. I have a speech impediment which people automatically think I can’t comprehend. I write better than I speak. It’s the same when I go for appointments, the doctor or whomever My appointment is with will look past me as if I’m not there and talk in front of me to the other person(family member)about what’s going on with me. When I say something it only reverts back to them talking to the other person(family member). I have been treated like I was a bother my whole life, I’ve learned to disengage. I am familiar with the deaf community and I do know some sign language but have a difficult time following the person speaking sign language as their hands go to fast and I don’t know signing well. My cousin is completely deaf and we can’t follow each other and mostly our personalities don’t click. She has to post 50 selfies a day on FB and she is attention seeking in these outfits that make her look like she walks the streets. But I get what your saying….some of the nicest people are ones with disabilities and I do tend to click with them as there is a unspoken understanding. Respect, dignity,compassion and empathy. What a wonderful world it would be if people could learn to slow down and take the time to treat each other like human beings. Half the people I know are on their phones are games and that’s more important than actually getting together and interacting. Brianna thanks for replying and I hope in this journey of life that you touch others hearts through giving of yourself…I believe it will be returned beyond measure. The things people can’t buy …time, friendship, understanding, empathy and compassion.
This hits so very hard. I have not one friend to speak of. I turn 40 this year and can not believe how my life has turned out. Largely because of cptsd and partly I’ve had just some dumb bad luck. I hope I can come out of this well.
There is no covert about it. I have used avoidance my whole life (65 years to date) to survive. It is exhausting and unproductive and life sucking. Thanks for the reminder that now is always a good time to ditch learned, destructive behaviors.
I’m not gonna lie this is one of my biggest problems. I’ve had trauma since childhood and even as a child I isolated myself a lot. And I’ve had patterns of avoiding social interactions and events. Like just interacting with people seem like a big deal. And it makes me depressed because I don’t want to be alone. But like you say hurt keeps you at arms length from people. At times struggling with the fact that I feel I didn’t feel good enough to others.
I used to try to make friends all the time when i was younger, because I was desperate for someone to like me, preferably an adult. I would have been a gift to a paedophile. I thought people outside the family would like me and i could find somewhere to belong, but it didn't happen, so I got more and more isolated and now i am behind the wall of protection, like you, so lonely but unable to get on with people. They have contempt for me because i don't have self-esteem and do have anxiety and put myself down, craving reassurance about myself, but people refuse to do that and don't respect me for not helping myself i.e. victim mentality.
@@sanataj However you put yourself down you are self aware and as for those who criticise you they insult you but what do they realise about themselves? Maybe one day you'll seek therapy or you won't but it's all up to you whatever you choose. Not everything is down to choice though is it? Not for me anyway. I keep people at arms length because it seems the only way to be. People love to judge and I'm no different but it's different when it's about then then they'd shut up.
Forgive yourself & others, you’re alive for a reason. God gave you gifts to use to help make the world a better place, just as Anna is doing on her YT channel😊
I'm just now realizing how much of my life I have been alone. I was a latch-key kid growing up, then I lived alone but would go out with friends. Then I was married to someone who traveled. Now that I am a stay at home parent, I find myself isolating and staying up late just to be alone. I never thought I was avoidant before because I always had a social life, and it was healthy to be able to spend time by yourself. Now I am seeing how much more alone time I need than anyone else and it feels like I should be able to enjoy my family more.
It's hard to change a habit you've grown up doing, but that doesn't mean you can't! If you're interested, I recommend you check out Anna's course 'Connection Bootcamp', here's a link: bit.ly/CCF_Connection -Calista@TeamFairy
I keep attracting people who don't wish to engage much, giving or receiving, they're busy, engaged with other family relationships, work, obligns. I am happy to have physical friend connection and human face to face interaction, once a day when out for walk. I realise my childhood ptsd effects do lead me to close off, isolate,but I also realise balancing self time with other time is difficult. Practice helps me. Consistency is key. Self care and supportive self talk is very helpful.
Finally a therapist that gets to the point tells the facts and says what's actually wrong. I've went to therapist off and on through different times in my life and they were wishy washy keep you hanging on don't get to the point but keep having you so you gotta keeping going back hoping I find out what's wrong with me and none of them helped me I was still stuck. Having 2 bad marriages and both husband's didn't want to be married to me didn't even wanna try to make it work, after finding this out afterwards. they only tormented me terribly making me feel it was all my fault. The therapist is straight to the point too bad I didn't have her.
I’m a daily smoker of ye old devils lettuce. Used to play video games a ton when I was younger still play games but now I’ve even started not talking to “the bois”. In my house growing up, the biggest and the loudest won. When I could I would get away by going to my room but even then it eventually boiled down to something I did pissed one of my 3 sisters off then they would tell my mom, she would embellish and tell my dad, my dad would then beat me for it after I got 30 seconds to explain myself. I remember when I tried not to cry once. He literally stopped and said oh you wanna try and be tough huh? You gone cry, and I swear on my life his face twisted to like this angry happy look and he beat me some more and harder. I love my parents but I truly wish they’d never met, they were toxic from the jump and used us kids to get a leg up on the other. Always with the come get your child. Like what I’m your child too? But I realized the more we acted like a parent or were ok with their fights and took sides we wouldn’t get that little discard statement. I always felt like a therapist to my parents or my sisters like I never got the chance to open up about my shit so I didn’t and don’t. Whenever I did I was berated with “oh you aren’t a man etc etc.” hurts a lot more coming from family. I can’t say I’ve never said anything hurtful, I have but I’ve never used my family as little emotional dumpsters and someone to convince to be on my side. I know I’m ranting but I want to come back to this and remember I want to change enough that their antics and manipulation don’t hurt or set me off as much or at all. I say I’m fine a lot when I’m not so I don’t inconvenience them with my past nipping at the heels of my mind. They ask why I don’t tell them anything anymore and I just put my hands up like what am I to do when I open up and everything I divulge is thrown into a wood chipper and fed back to me as “you’re just too sensitive they’re joking.” Or the classic “ but we’re family we don’t mean it” family doesn’t do that shit and keep going when they see it’s starting to hurt. Honestly going to family functions feels like jumping headfirst into a pit of vipers. Signed up for betterhelp a day ago, hopefully we can get to the root of these problems I have and are creating so I can be a better person. If you read this far, thanks for not seizing trying to read all of that😂
The better Sean, I read what you wrote, because I have expressed myself like this also. To know that I'm not alone is like exhaling. There are people out there who isolate to keep peace in their lives. I hope that you start to heal your heart. I'm on that path now in 2023. Raised my family, avoid my family members, grieve lost family and now ready to love me, so I can enjoy my life🎉🎉🎉❤😊
@thebettersean I read your comment today March 25, 2024 and wonder if you are OK and have peace in your life; in your heart and mind. I hope you do. God bless you.
Thank you Anna! Have just entered trauma counseling at 69 yrs old. Find your blogs very helpful giving words to feelings, as well as providing hope! Thanks for sharing your healing to help others.
Wow! I’m relating so much! My life went from Homeschooling 4 children, taking care of my mom 7 years until her passing away, volunteering at church 5 days a week and 2 times for service, and married taking care of a big house to - empty nest, mom passing, filing for divorce (not going through it), leaving my abusive church, my husband passing away, moving to a tiny condo and feeling very alone. I’ve since realized through the internet, that I probably have CPST, codependent behavior and who knows what else. I am sure I need therapy. You have educated me in so many areas. Thank you.
@bonnieleehen, WOO, dear lady you have been through a wiiild ride. I was the daughter in a similar situation, and an only- my heart goes out to you(extra wild when your late husband you were filing for divorce from passed? and I deeply hope you begin to(or continue to?) experience healing and a fullness you hadn't imagined possible after all of this!! All the Best to you! 🙂💖🕊
I find that most people are so caught up with their own lives that they don't have time or energy to care about anything outside. I also find that people these days seem to be overly connected to their families which to me is a super comfort zone. I don't have that luxury. Even before my family had pretty much passed away we were never a family and when I entered into AA I was taught a lot about enabling so I've never allowed people to really enable me. I wonder if I've taken it too far. Even if I have it doesn't much matter now because I'm old and no one really reaches out to me the way they did when I was younger. Not trying to say poor me it's just reality :-)
Well I'm 67 years old and I have tried about everything under the Sun but I still haven't given up or I wouldn't be here. I would say that a lot of it has been lack of follow-through and clearly when you talked about giving up early that's my MO. However... I have very much pushed through a lot in my life and bounced back as far as I could. It's been more of a background lingering sabotage relationships, finding something wrong with everybody including myself and the fear of intimacy with females. I have no problem with men. I've known for a long time why but getting past it... Truth is I'm tired. But I can't keep living this way. I've only been isolating you might say for 7 years and in that time I've renovated my entire home so I was doing something that I highly enjoyed and I probably would be out doing more but I came back to the area in 15 and Friends of either died, moved or rejected me because I was going through menopause and I was half crazy LOL
what if i just truly dont like most people? what if i feel society has become shallow and meaningless itself? i am around alot of people all the time in my job and i dont resonate with many. not in morals, intellect, interests, or character. i feel like thats ok though . it doesnt bother me. i havent watched this video yet ,but whats wrong with avoiding people that are not good people ?? or who mentally drain you ,or who just small talk and literally waste time>? some people might just like to be alone, i do. i was an only child, rarely had close friends, being alone is just what im comfortable with .
Exactly. I’ve become avoidant out of utter necessity, and the more avoidant I’ve become m the happier I’ve been. As soon as I give another guy a chance, it’s just more fuckery. If there’s nothing out there except bad, why not avoid it.
@@toscadonnaI am feeling the same right this weekend. I thought I’d give someone another chance ( been dating on and off for the last 10 years with him!) this time though I really pay attention to the actions. Surprise surprise still the same person! I really thought king and hard, is it better to be alone or have someone who keeps you in constant mindfuckery. I think the former is liveable the latter even pushes you down in a rabbit hole of insecurity. I tried so many times , far too many times. I think the next step is acceptance, some of us just got fed up with people too soon in our childhood that we have consumed our reserve of tolerance way too early. Its solitude for me, just me and my daughter and two good close friends who don’t ask much from me and I don’t ask much from them.. and oh my new house and newly started garden and Anna here on UA-cam. No mindfuckery. Nada!
Totally! Sometimes it's ok to stop the self blame and just be ok with what we like and who we are. Less friends are better. Quality over quantity. With age we become wiser and we screen people, that s all.
Without these videos, I wouldn’t have been able to heal my delusions. Of course, I’m still keeping some of them because I’m human but I’m a lot less attached to unhealthy relationships. Thank you for your hard work, it means a lot to people like me who can’t afford to try out different therapists
I strongly relate to this. I grew up in a very dysfunctional household and learnt to become invisible and not express my needs (father has severe and untreated aspergers/autism, mother was sole breadwinner and functional adult in the situation).
@@thepicklegambit you're right, there's probably a better word I could use. It would have been better for me and the whole family if he had gotten help with managing his serious problems (sensory issues, paranoia/egocentrism, refusal to work anymore after fathering a child, etc). It's hard because when there's a conflict between the needs of an autistic parent and their child (neurotypical or autistic), its like the unstoppable force vs the immovable object. That's were it becomes neglect, and it doesn't make much difference if its intentional or not.
@@Tibbs736 Don't apologise to a autistic person who's more interested in lecturing than understanding what you mean. I'm autistic too but some autistic people need to learn empathy because not every autistic person is them. I'm sorry your father was like he was and no no one can help being autistic but if the will was there they would try seek a understanding of how their behaviour affects others. There's honestly no reason why being autistic would stop that unless the person just didn't care to understand. I have a mother who's narcissistic and a late father who had a personality disorder so I understand what it's like growing up in a dysfunctional home. I'm not a healthy minded person but I make no excuses for that I had those two people for role models so what would I know about normal relationships but I try my best to be nothing like them. I didn't know until four or five years ago that I was allowed to have my own needs, feelings. I'm 44 so I think that makes me seem like an idiot and I laugh at myself but what did I know? You live and learn is a phrase I love. Everyone who thinks they know everything knows nothing of importance I'd want to know.
@@wintergirll I don't care. I'm sick of autistic people thinking any behaviour from other autistic people is acceptable just because the person is autistic, so no questions should be asked. I don't happen to be perfect so yes I have faults like like any human being does. This isn't me pretending I'm superior or any nonsense like that.
I only found this channel a day or two ago. It's fantastic. I get a strong sense of lived authenticity behind the advice, it does not sound like the same cookie cutter text book training that so many UA-cam channels give.
This is spot on for me. I've got a 43 year "life" and nothing but the dread of death to accompany me. Thank God for good people willing to face, learn, and share some of the most painful and shameful things we experience in the hope of a better humanity.
I used to be anxiously attached in just about every romantic relationship. After two horrible relationships and a lot of years wasted with avoidants, and a couple more CPTSD trauma episodes with friends, I finally turned 100% avoidant and absolutely do not trust humans anymore. (I'm aware that, primarily, I don't trust myself anymore to filter out wrong people before I get attached.) I'm actively a hermit now and the mere thought of a relationship makes me shudder. On the other hand, I have never felt so cared for, so healthy, comfortable, loved and cozy now that I'm dumping all of my love and care on myself. Now I have no motivation to change, even though my therapist insists that's something that should be challenged. But why? There's only pain and disappointment and waste of time, health and money on the other side.
Wow. I’d like to feel that comfortable being alone and I think I’m getting closer to it. It’s just nice to not have to be alone when you don’t wanna be and I have someone to talk to when you want or need to. If you can be alone plus of those things I think that’s ideal
@@mare2723 I agree I'm in a very comfortable situation with my solitude, and rationally I can understand that that's not necessarily a great thing, if it keeps me away from relationships for too long, as relationships are supposed to be the stuff life's made of and people on their deathbed only ever regret not having loved more. But emotionally it has gotten very difficult for me to act on that knowledge. Fear keeps me frozen.
This is a very helpful channel. I am almost entirely alone, mostly because I am disabled and I have no family. And I DO have CPTSD from a completely wreteched childhood entirely devoid of love. I work constantly not to self-sabotage. My spiritual life, though unsupported, is very helpful in that regard. I'm going to stick with this channel and see if I can heal some of this and learn some more techniques. Thanks or being here for us!
As hard as life can get, the most difficult obstacle I’ve ever had to face is myself. I have a tendency to indulge in my avoidance and isolation behaviors. As an experiment, I decided to trial saying “yes” any time I was asked to go out or attend a social function. Virtually every experience was preceded by fear, looming dread, anxiety and an almost instinctual urge to escape. However, I was surprised that no matter the degree of negative emotion preceding each social engagement, those feelings were universally replaced with a sense of well-being, inner warmth, belonging, and a steady calmness of mind. I still feel the primal urge to escape, but I try to reframe it similarly to the intense fear/anxiety we feel on roller coasters that we instead call “thrill” despite a nearly identical physiologic and emotional response to threat. Feelings that are triggered from internal or external stimuli are subconsciously contextualized and transformed into emotion (fear/anxiety vs thrill/excitement) to influence behavior appropriately (avoid danger or engage in excitement). This is a normal brain function to protect and preserve the organism but to also engage in behaviors that offer perceived benefit or advantage. CPTSD disrupts this process by contextualizing otherwise harmless stimuli as harmful based on associated trauma experienced during critical periods of development, and the otherwise normal functioning portion of this circuit responds accordingly to avoid perceived danger. This is a function of deep subcortical processing, a foundational brain circuit in all mammals. Our otherwise logical thought processes take place in prefrontal and higher cortical brain regions that may recognize the behavior patterns as maladaptive, however it CANNOT override the other more foundational, rigid emotional circuits formed during development. The power here, however, is that we can RECOGNIZE triggers and emotional response through AWARENESS, and modify behavior in response to feelings/emotions we come to understand as maladaptive. This doesn’t eliminate the negative feelings and thoughts at all, but it can at least give us some agency in how we live, ultimately in harmony with emotional pain rather than become subject to it.
1:10:15 "...so much of the best of us can only be expressed in relation to other people." ABSOLUTELY! We need to get out of our own heads and reach out to others, little by little. 🌞🥰 I know this may seem easier said than done, but it is doable!
Anna: I am a new viewer and was not familiar with CPTSD. Very grateful in finally finding answers from you in why I act as I do (being sensitive, am comfortable isolating, easily triggered anger and outbursts, etc., etc.) I can so relate to your video. I am elderly and have felt alone and confused. Thank you for your teachings.
Thank you for watching! I encourage you to try Daily Practice. It can help sort through things that feel confusing. You can try it free here: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Nika@TeamFairy
My hobby of Model Car Building has been very therapeutic for me and I enjoy attending and setting up at Model Shows and I really enjoy meeting and connecting with fellow modelers...
Dear Anna listening to the attributes the lady wrote in her letter I noticed one could get a kind of stuck in rests of trauma. I recognize myself...I thought I must be kind of clean from everything before I am lovable...now I feel I am good enough. Thank you for your wonderful work.
The hardest thing for me as a recently diagnosed "Dismissive Avoidant" is to put my finger on how I could've had such a pleasant childhood with parents who I always knew deep down loved me unconditionally and still turned out like this?? They were not perfect, but "Neglect" is the last word I would ever think of about either of my parents. The ONE blessing in disguise for Dismissive Avoidants may just be that we honestly fail to process just how bad things actually were so at least we are given the gift of ignorance so we are not in the kind of pain that realization could've bought us??
I just left a message above about that. ADHD is on the autistic spectrum, i have been told. A couple of people suggested to me I might be autistic, Is saw some documentaries of people on tv talking about it. The GP didn't seem so convinced. I didn't fit any of the symptoms on the form for referral to a consultant psychiatrist for assessment. A guy i chatted to said childhood reactive attachment disorder symptoms are the same as the way his autistic son behaved when younger. So does that overlap?
@@sanataj ADHD is not actually a part of autism, it is a separate disorder in and of itself. However they are both very similar to each other and share several overlapping traits. Many, many people are both autistic and ADHD, but you can certainly have one or the other and not both at the same time.
That’s what my friend thought of himself as well. In any regard, when you find your path towards healing the spectrum doesn’t matter. The fairy does a super job with her channel. I keep coming back over years.
That's right we should heal ourselves from being isolated, I am also being like that nobody knows what is going through with me not even my own family and friends .
"You need people". Ugh. The painful truth that I refused to see until now, at 40, when I've been an almost complete hermit for a decade. Well, I guess I found this channel just in time to fix my course 😅
Same, same! Been in therapy for 30 damn years. Got a cPTSD/PTSD diagnosis in my 20s. But didn't do proper trauma therapy. None of my therapists addressed it, despite the diagnoses. Finally have an amazing trauma therapist, now. So, here's to hope. 🍻
This explains so much. Just knowing what causes me to be this way is a relief. I appreciate this video and the knowledge that this really needs to be something I focus on.
I hear you, I know how painful it can be to feel so isolated. Anna offers a course on healing loneliness and creating more connected relationships that I highly recommend you check out. Here is the link if you're interested: bit.ly/CCF_Connection We're all here for you and are sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
we were raised by people who called hate, love. we need to experience love and kindness before we can trash the false definition of love. find kind people
God!!!! I so needed this! Thank god I found you. My life is a mess. I have no real connection with anyone. My eating is terrible and my passion for physical exercise has gone
I isolate. I admit it. This made it hard to find AA help- but I took your advice about 12-step groups and discovered that there are many different kinds, with different formats and styles!
Thanks for teaching people about their mental behavior from trauma. I think CPTSD has made me an introvert, and judgemental individual. It also has given me the ability to look at life from a better place in which extroverts would never be able to see. I can see the manipulation by society that has made us consumers and made us blind by those in political, businesses and family and friends that in reality only care about a shallow world who only love inside their own borders.
Omg.. these videos are in your face truth bombs. It hurts but is healing because I wasn't even aware of so much of this.... I have alot of work ahead. I have been stuck in the past trying to heal the past but your advice to look at the future is so helpful. The story feels safe. Feeling stuck feels safe. It is hard. I dont know that I have CPTSD but am avoidant and had a terrible childhood. God bless you and your work. Thank you for naming all the things.
I feel like you’re speaking to me like you’ve already been inside my head before. Every video blows my mind how much I say, “yes! That’s me! She knows me!!” I’m so happy I found you and subscribed - I’m a trauma survivor a troubled teen industry survivor and im coming up on 2 years in recovery. I do EMDR and DBT weekly and im all about improving my mental health because being borderline with CPTSD is a full time job in itself lol 😂
...You just put a name to what I've been struggling with my entire life. And that's definitely something for me to bring up to my therapist. Thank you for this video.
OMG. I thank I from the bottom of my heart for this video. I happened upon it accidentally but if I didn’t know any better I would seriously think that I watched the entire thing without even so much as blinking even once. Every part and every minute u speak as the video continues for me on my end literally describes exactly 100 % of each moment and each second of each day I am currently experiencing in my life and until now I had no way to try and explain any of it I’ve only been aware of experiences that happen repeated at times recently and haven’t known what to do about any of it or where to even begin. I feel hope right this very moment and I haven’t had or felt hope of any kind for quite a long time before this. U made this possible for me. Now I can continue watching since the best part which of course is the solution. So off I go to my bath I’ve just drawn for myself and can look forward to enjoying the rest of ur video and I’ll be sure to save some of the bubbles from my bath for whatever one comes on next as well. U have no idea the gratitude I have for u right now. Thanks again so much. I won’t forget you ever in this life time that’s for sure. Definately , am now a fan for sure. Enjoy ur the part of the day ur time zone is in and I’ll be doing that as well! Good nite for now !
You're such a good communicator, and certainly a subject matter expert. Sometimes I'm amazed at your knowledge. I think to myself... DUH!, how did I miss all of this? Thank you so much for your insights
I’m 16 and I have a lot of these tendencies and I recently went through a breakup and I realize some of the issues in my relationship were because of my avoidance and I want to start fixing and healing myself again, so I wanted to say thank you for this video.
I’ve definitely had periods where i felt extremely avoidant (the rest of life being covert avoidance even at ‘better’ times). After i broke my few years hermit ‘fast’ i got very hurt, and as it just added up to previous injuries it hurt way more than normal people would experience. Made me feel very defective to learn again how vulnerable and emotionally dysregulated i still am. Literally my brain can make me insane, what i felt is not normal. Isolation doesn’t cure it. Only embracing the fears and learning to deal with them by fighting them proactively may work. Avoidance is just delaying the inevitable pain and making it hurt even more by delaying.
Thank you so much for the work you put out. It's really helping me while I try and navigate life's present challenges. I have a very good handle on some aspects of healing, but I actually ended up laughing out loud - while you were mentioning that people that smoke a LOT of pot are numbing out anger, I was in the middle of preparing an awful lot of joints so that I 'can handle the week'... because I'm super irritable. The good news is that I'm aware that no human should smoke this much burning plant matter and I have been working on cutting down and ceasing. I have quit alcohol after thirteen years of hellish addiction and no longer smoke cigarettes, but it was a slippery slope back down to numbing myself to function and then being frustrated that everything was getting harder. It helps a lot to hear letters where people have had a similar childhood to mine. I have had a hard time with feeling like I fit in, or like moving around as a kid "wasn't that bad." Knowing that there is hope around the corner and it can be fixed as long as I can keep going is all that I need. It's also reassuring to know that the issue stems from something that can be helped on the inside and I'm not just some sort of degenerate with no self-control... especially because that's not even remotely true. No matter what my inner angry grandma voice might have to say otherwise ♡
For me - and many, it's numbing and/or avoiding with food or being sedentary...or distractions of all mental/head/intellectual sorts. Or lately, shopping. Addictions. Like Gabor Mate says -- it's not why the addiction, but --why the pain. And as Anna Runkle says here, particularly at the end (and I like IFS and Hakomi therapy too), esp. for those of us stuck, it's 1) 'just' (no harsh judgement, just...) noticing the dysregulation, and 2) coming to believe (as it is in step 2 of a 12-step programs) that we can (be or initiate, do or be willing for to do and realize) 'change'.....that is, '50% LESS dysregulation' when triggered -- that she mentions at the end of this video.
I can relate to all of this except the being late. I am very early to everything because I get terrible anxiety afraid I won’t get a good seat, parking spot, etc. The rest of this is spot on. I’m in this state constantly and it has negatively affected my life in every way. I need to better help myself. I deserve it and my family deserves it. I’m so glad I found this channel. Thank you!
👋im very disregulated anytime a heated argument is around me or near me or a discussion that is uncomfortable for me. I fall apart and just want to get alone. I really don't like being in public anymore and try to just stick to family members whom i feel safe with. As for time I'm always 10 mins early. Part 7 made me giggle right away because I have a decoration on my wall that says, 'I'm not bossy I just know what you should be doing'. I also wear a t-shirt that says, 'sorry I'm not good at peopling'. Very often I get lots of smiles and positive comments in a day when I'm out in public wearing it😊
This is probably the best video I've ever watched on this topic! Thank you for doing this! It helps me so much just to hear you speak about these topics, to get to know myself, and to get to know those close to me. And you say it in such a wonderful way, that really makes it easy to digest. Again, thank you for doing this, I really appreciate you creating these videos that help not only me, but many people that watch these videos. Thank you again, and I hope You will be able to help many more people on these topics.
Anna, I learned far more from this video than I have from 3 different counselors over the years. This is ME through and through. It's both scary and hopeful but I'm hanging onto hope. Truth and knowledge can offer us power to overcome our self defeating behaviors. Hopefully if we know better we will do better. Thank you so much.
Omg this video hit so hard for me and I watched it twice. This is everything that I have been dealing with and I needed to hear all of this. My mind was blown after I watched this. Just wow!! Thank you so much for taking the time to make this video. I have started to get real help because of the realization of what I was dealing with. My emotions and thoughts are going haywire trying to process all of this.
Wow! Your description of our gifts being what we have that can help others is spot on! I had a woman walk up to me while I was shopping and ask me to coach her on self transformation. I was too sick with long COVID at the time to have the energy, but I now feel that it’s time to bring other women up along with me. Thanks for bringing us up! ❤️
I never thought of being late as signs of avoidance before! That is so poignant. And busy-ness- the stuff I was avoiding made me "busy" because there were things I really did have to do but was constantly avoid them.
This is a really insightful video on the topic of avoidant attachment style and how it can impact our relationships. The speaker offers helpful tips on how to recognize if you have an avoidant attachment style, and more importantly, how to heal from it. It's inspiring to see that with some self-awareness and effort, we can break free from patterns that may be holding us back in our relationships. This video is definitely worth watching for anyone who wants to improve their emotional well-being and build healthier connections with others.
Thanks for mentioning avoidance. I'm always seeing advice (often sexist) for women who go the opposite direction and become promiscuous, and I always wondered when my tendencies would get a mention.
Some of us are just introverts and quite happy not interacting at every possible moment. We’re honestly happier this way. Social interactions: quality is better than quantity. We have rich inner lives. Small talk is not enjoyable. And we’re just fine being who and how we are.
This is me I turn 50 this year so am doing a lot of reflection all the friends I had in my 20’s 30’s and early forties drifted away because I limited my participation in these relationships to a superficial level trepidatious that if I invested to much a terrible fate would befall me and I would have no escape - I understand it now but I accept it and I’m ok with it I enjoy my peace and the absence of drama that come with other
Thank you so much for saying adults don’t technically have needs that anyone else should meet!! When in therapy I would be lost when they asked me ‘What about YOUR needs [in relationship]?’ Although I did need to get out of the rubbish relationship, this idea didn’t sit right with me, yet it is commonly banded about. Glad to have found this channel ❤
I am 1 of those who liked the locked down and the fact I still work from home. I recently came across your videos and have taken notes and am starting the writing technique and daily practices. I am learning better to control triggers. I am recovering.. I see progress.. I've had family members say so as well.. Too long right now to write my story. Grateful for coming across this info
I loved the lockdown. I've been looking for decent paying ways to work from home for decades. I always end up in a job where it was my intention to be back of the house, but end up the opposite. I would love to work from home. Any suggestions on how to get started? Thanks!
I never did have anyone to talk to about my feelings (self induced) but I felt I wanted to write poetry. Out it flowed, in poetry, but later more as an expression my high emotions. While that was good to get my feelings out, I also got to learn how I was feeling in the first place! Boy, was I messed up! But it was the beginning of the journey toward self knowledge.
Avoidance, be it ethical or manipulative, can destroy relationships. Codependency is a real thing there… I love this channel so much! Thanks for the input! I also listen to Adam Lane Smith, ethical avoidants can change, he sees in his practice. However, if you only meet once a month like written in the letter - no way any of the helping factors like talking, finding mutual interests and core values in life, solving problems together or the fairy’s daily practice could be implemented as a mutual activity. This letter hit home - many thanks for sharing it!
Gosh, I was just talking to my sister last weekend about my past propensity to be late for everything. I’m very punctual now, but I used to be chronically late for everything, and it was definitely avoidance mixed with a desire to squeeze one more task in before leaving. I’ve also been the Queen of Excuses, lol. “I’d love to come to your (insert event here), but I’ll be boating down the Zambezi River that day,” isn’t far off some of the actual excuses I’ve come up with to get out of things.
No only did I write about my trauma, I actually had the courage to send what I wrote to each person that caused the trauma. Thank goodness they live far away. It has take me twenty five years to get through the process. It felt great to let them know. Once I wrote, I cared less and less about how they feel.
Asking for help has rarely worked for me. People say they're going to in one Form or fashion but then don't follow through. This leaves me in a worse situation than if I had never asked at all
You have described me to a T. I have NEVER heard anyone put this problem into words so well. TY TY TY! I wish I could afford your program but maybe later on I will. In the meantime, I am starting the free writing and meditating exercise and watching your videos.
Can't believe i am seeing hearing you speak about what i am going through. Bump into your channel yesterday night. I am so stuck because of my childhood trauma that i am just numb about my feelings. I feel so tired but just keep going on with every strength i can muster to keep my life together. Don't know for how long though cos i have be sick from degenerative disease. Thank you for doing this.i wll start the healing process.
So many of us out here with abusive backgrounds in every avenue along with CPTSD and other cases of disorders. It’s loving to have this channel and support. Thankful for the CCF can’t wait to try the daily writing course.
Thank you for being a part of our community here! Happy to hear you are willing to try the Daily Practice (bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice ). Hope it will help you like it has helped many others! Nika@TeamFairy
I'm no longer going to let my avoidant attachment deraile my life and relationships. I am deserving of taking up space and to have authentic friendships and they will surely come to me 😊
The longer you stay isolated, the more people annoy you, and the more you feel like a wild animal between them. The wild animal that only wants to escape as fast as possible. I have been there not by choice for years. Now I am choosing to cut out or distance some people who exhaust me or try to use me and take advantage of me.
Exactly right, it gets harder and harder to reconnect. This course is all about that: bit.ly/CCF_Connection
-Cara@TeamFairy
I feel like a wild animal between healthy people.
What about your surrounded by toxic, narcissistic and negative ones and you feel they are the wild ones and you avoid them like the plague?
That's my case.
I protect myself from toxic people but it seems like I'm avoiding wrongly the good, kind, healthy ones.
I think I can say, I relate to how you feel. My impression is that probably(likely!) people really have changed in the past few decades. Greed and selfishness is making a large chunk of the population (regardless of country) difficult to bear or tolerate. Yet, somehow it is socially not accepted to be *different*
I understand that for many people -who have avoidance issues- being an outcast socially is scary place to be: most humans are wired to be social. But there are a growing number of humans who just want...to be. A silly example (I know, fictional but still) is Radegast from Lord of the Rings. He seems strange for the, well, everyone inside Tolkien's world but Radegast gets along perfectly well with everything alive, except for humans.
Long comment short, maybe there is no 'fault' with being different. It's OKAY to be different💚
I used to think I needed people... but once I realized I didn't, I realized I actually love my alone time. After that, I realized I'm extremely introverted... and need my alone time. Now that I've accepted these things... I've realized it's okay to not need to be around other people to be happy. The internet is such an amazing place because introverts like myself can learn things we would have never learned about ourselves. 💕
@@JadedMuse2 Would you say society looks on introverts as if they were 'not okay'? Like it's a bad thing, like a deviation from 'normal'?
I feel it's also important to point out that a ton of people mistaken 'alone time' for lonely. While loneliness really can kill😞, being alone can be the most refreshing and fulfilling time for some.
It's interesting to ponder though; would those of us - who grew up with difficult or traumatic childhood- be still be introverts and avoiding society with a normal childhood? 🤔
Now I finally get what's going on with me. You're so right about about how draining my Avoidant Attachment style is. My awakening has come at a price. Losing my girlfriend of 4 years because I couldn't regulate my emotions, didn't know how to get out of my 5yr old, 12 yr old and 17 yr old self. I would get waves of depression, guilt, anxiety and numbness at how much pain I was causing my partner - but had no skill set to show up as an adult. I had no understanding of why I would turn into these kids when deep intimate adult conversation was needed to develop our relationship further or address an issue or work through a problem together. The damn child or teenager would show up every time. Didn't matter that intellectually I knew that things were off (always being in my head)...I'm so tired of having those kids run my emotional life. Loss, and finally desperate to take charge of these destructive patterns (now that the door is closed on our relationship) has me wanting, willing and ready to receive the help I need to understand and work through my years of ingrained avoidant patterns. I've enrolled in an 8 week avoidant personality disorder program, have been seeing a therapist regularly for the past 2 1/2 months and will be working with a men's avoidant group...so much pain I've caused her, so much pain and numbness in my own life. Thanks for this. Sorry for the long statement.
Would your men’s group happen to be with the Christian facility program and if so, can you share the name of it ? the program? I would love to bring it to our church
@deanporter5882 I can so relate. I'm sitting here shaking my head. 😑💔😭
My 2 year old & 5 year old selves have been "working overtime" lately, due to an amicable decision to split up, between my partner and myself of 12 1/2 years.
We both realized we had gotten too toxic for each other. And I know I need to do Inner Child/Trauma work with someone. I wish I didn't feel so small.
My heart goes out to you. I pray that your pain will lessen, and your days become kinder and more manageable. I'm praying that for myself as well.
Cheers!
@@victoriarosario3338 So sorry to hear that Victoria. The more I'm in this community of Avoidants and Anxious and see stories that are similar (sometimes I get very sad) I feel it so much more deeply when couples end up splitting up, but I also am heartened by the fact that we're all sharing. It's so important to get help. I can't tell you how it's been opening me up. The peaks and valleys still continue and I think of my ex a lot, but my weekly regimen of workshops, connecting, learning, reading, excercise, makes a major difference in keeping me centered. Prayers 🙏
I hope my ex realizes this. 😢
Realizing we have a problem is the 1st crucial step to healing it. Congrats on that!
If you keep using isolation to control your CPTSD triggers, every opportunity in life will gradually close to you
I noticed how small my world had become basically my bedroom at only 38 . I’m realizing that we have to plug into life ( we’re here anyway) or we are just dying
@@lindsaypeek63 I'm right there with you, same thing with me..I was so afraid of getting hurt again I was unconsciously isolating more & more. I'm so thankful for this channel! Better than all of my past therapists .💜
@sadiaarman363 Yes, you are so right. That's probably why I feel so lost. I have just started joining old friends at our local library to play music again. They are most definitely a lifeline of which I am so grateful. But in isolating, I have missed a lot of what's been going on in their lives. I hope to be better with that. Sooner than later.🥲🙏
This hit hard
That's very interesting theory, after considering it it's possible coz I'm at that point
The hardest thing is finding appropriate support. I don’t want to open up all of my past to someone because frankly it’s overwhelming for others to hear. At the same time it’s the not sharing that separates me from others. Both of these things are true and it’s a tough spot to be in.
in my job i hear many peoples life stories.........stories became managable when i left someone's life story as theirs and do my owm self care. if someone's life story iz yo much for me at Times i go to counselor. having my own tools toanage my life and leaving a syory were i find it.........when someones story shows me my wounds i fhen i need to focus on self and set boumdzries more often till on my feet. listening tp someones wounds is reazonable i get in to trouble when i have desire to fix....... find people who arent reaching and who ask good questions
That’s the same with me. I’m not cool enough for the worldly crowd, but I saw too much to ever be innocent and unknowing. And from a family that would keep Jerry Springer in storylines for years. It’s just easier not to go into all of it… until it gets lonely
100%
I feel exactly the same..
Is it overwhelming to other people? Or do you feel like your overwhelming because it overwhelms you? When you talk, you heal, when you don't, people lose the ability to see you in full-frame, a big part of who you are goes unbeknown to others, you've got this and you are not a burden ❤
Anna, thank you so much for helping me realize that I have been covertly avoiding getting close to people because of my CPTSD. When you said that I can not heal in isolation, I cried for days, I was devastated. I understand better how I have been avoiding living my life by having a cluttered home, too embarassed to have people over, and feeling left out, not really connecting with people. I want to make a change, am now slowly but surely decluttering my home, bettering my work and income, going to therapy and binge watching all your content. Again, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart❤
You're so welcome. I'm publishing a video about clutter a little later today!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you 🙏🏻 I often experience that your videos are God sent at the times I need extra encouragement, look forward to seeing the video about clutter!
@ragga I felt this hard
I deeply resonate with this comment. Tears just poured out my eyes! Wow.
Thank you 🙏
Ragga, from your comment it feels like you have genuinely found the right path you needed to take in your life. I'm mo expert, just a fellow person that seem to have a ton of similarities with you and others here, clutter included. 😂😂 It's not funny but made me laugh, in a good way. I sincerely wish you to keep heading the right direction so you can fully reclaim the life you wish and deserve. Best wishes (I truly mean it) 💚
I've been so damaged in the past and present by family, friends and strangers that avoidance has become a safety net for me. It's become my go-to survival tactic.
I have Meeting today for my sons football team. After confirming I would come, I felt all the energy sucked out of me. I feel tired now and I am already coming up with reasons im not going to make it.... all that to say, this video is right on time.
That is the time for Daily Practice! bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
-Cara@TeamFairy
I do the exact same thing. I have since I was a kid, it started especially with avoiding school. You're not alone and we will get there :)
We’ve got this!
I've been doing this for many years..started with Jr high..hated math n terrible at algebra so I'd dread going.
I do it everyday..now. Can't leave the house most days for simple things...grocery shopping, Pharmacy..even going to visit my baby grandson that I adore...visiting my elderly mom. I just cant..I'm so angry at myself.
@@sicilyny5375 you’re not alone and you won’t be stuck forever. Little steps, desensitization, and daily practice helps a lot.
I have spent most of my adult life as an avoidant but am pleased to say that I have been reaching out to old friends and participating in life and it feels great
That's amazing! Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Hey Gigi, keep going - one step at a time. So glad for your progress and how life feels great for you!
Reaching out to high school friends was really my salvation. I'm so glad you did this.
Same medical situation happened to me at the same time I went through my divorce. I am a chronic avoider. It 'works' in the moment, but you pay for it down the road with the lack of long term, deep connections and friendships.
Maybe, though I've observed there aren't many long-term deep connections with people that didn't have trauma/ aren't accident. I have avoidant attachment, but I'm connected enough to where I do have friends and we don't eventually fall out 😅
@@Heyu7her3 yes! I love having other friends w trauma because they are understanding of the hard times and still love you even if you cancel. As long as you can also handle they will also cancel sometimes. Low maintence friends are my favourite because we know we are struggling and want to support not add more stress
The worst thing i ever did to myself was staying in my comfort zone it derailed my life and kept me mentally in a self-made mental prison and leaving my comfort zone, truly challenging myself and taking risks was the key to my freedom and my peace of mind. Leaving my comfortzone was as empowering.
Thanks for sharing this :) -Calista@TeamFairy
How long did you do this for? This has been me. I see I haven't done enough. I'm 35. It feels like I've wasted so much time. :(
How did you start doing this? The mental prison literally describes my life. Any advice would be appreciated ❤
@@niellalienme too
Thank you so much for this video. I may have shed a few tears listening to you. Like rain falling over a barren land. I may be a 41 year old woman from India but I am actually a scared 14 year old girl assaulted person who has truly never moved from that age. I am so scared of people and so used to not being believed and heard .
Google coach Paula grooms
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We see you, and we hear you. Thanks for sharing dear one.
Identifying the problem is half the solution. Godspeed✝️
I believe you, and I hear you! 🤗🥰
Love from America, we can all grow up and become safe in our bodies.
“Not having any relationships that could sustain you in hard times is what chronic avoidance will get you.”
I genuinely did not think of that. Your experience is actually is quite harrowing. As someone who has avoided people all my life (I’m 25) and pretty much had surface level relationships, I guess that is what I needed to hear.
We can work hard on choosing our chosen family. It doesn't have to be blood relatives.
People can find each other and become support and community to each other.
We can work hard on choosing our chosen family. It doesn't have to be blood relatives.
People can find each other and become support and community to each other.
on the flip side people show you who they are during hard times and usually it's not what we think, sadly
@@theirrationalsage Yes. And that makes it all the harder to reach out. If it weren't for the ladies at our weekly Women's Depression & Support Group, run by our Psychologist, I don't know where I'd be...
Imagine you avoided people all your life & you're 82. Can't afford treatment & have been disconnected from people for a couple of years so don't know how to socialize.
Just when I’m about to lose hope, this video came right on time. I can’t believe somebody else can describe exactly who I am. This is wild. I thought I was crazy & ALONE.
Glad to hear this video resonates with you and it helps. Thank you for watching!
Nika@TeamFairy
I totally understand. I feel heard and understood for one of the few times in my life.
@@tdoranme too😭🙏
Exactly how I feel too. I never heard my issues explained like this
I feel it too. I tough I am the only nerd person. But I am not alone, and this condition should be release
"A connection injury" lit up a bulb in my mind. Had never thought about it like that before. To frame avoidance in this way is really freeing, feels like a release from shame and pathology.
@ Penda Fen, thanks for pointing that out!! Relatable and liberating = this can be healed. 🎉🕊
At 63, I'm so good at this, I call myself hibernating. 😏 but now spring is here...I'm running out of excuses...my agoraphobia is at a place where, I don't just stay in my house...I stay in my room, my *sanctuary.* I even put my coffee station in here.😏 everything I need is right here...except human contact. 😐
Consider joining our membership, a step toward healthy connection :) bit.ly/CCF-Membership
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy honey, I'm on assistance, surviving below poverty level. 😏 but do you boo, make that paper! I ain't mad atcha! 😆
I'm currently buying kitchen appliances for my room so that I don't even need to leave for meals and snacks.
I thought it would give me more independence and less conflict - as I often feel that my housemates are disrespectful of my belongings and the communal spaces are covered with sticky food leftovers that get onto my clothing.
There's only certain housemates that I feel comfortable spending time around and I know it's a problem with me because objectively they're really nice people, they're just stressed and rushing a lot which makes me feel uncomfortable
I know that feeling.
Ty for sharing. I soo identify with you. So hard...
A former partner, who is absolutely lovely, is the avoidant type, very much does this unconsciously and didn't have any deep friendships until I started engaging with him on interacting more meaningfully. After a few years it became too much to be the interpreter, and led a lot of conflict that both of us contributed to, so we found we couldn't be permanent. But he grew a lot and I grew a lot too in the relationship.
All that being said, avoidant people can be incredibly loving and sweet and I love that you're making this video. A lot of people can benefit from this and have richer lives because of these advices.
If you both grew what was the point of leaving? Couldn't you just have stop "interpreting" so much and let them try to have the reigns sometimes?
@@miracle-pi5wshave you maybe considered this person probably tried to do that and it still wasn’t working?
My problem is that I'm too independent in the mind and don't really need people. I'm fine being alone even though I know it's bad and I want to make friends (because I know it's bad for me if I don't) but the urge isn't there. I find people draining and I have to make a conscious effort to match their energy. Not only that but I find at times that people are only interested in talking about themselves and don't really care to get to know me. So it's either I start interviewing them or they start talking about themselves to me. So my three major problems are is one I lack the urge/energy to socialize, my comfort place is being alone, and it's hard truly to express myself.
Do things you enjoy, work places you enjoy and meet like minded people there.
Learn the skill of asserting yourself
You didn't ask for my advice but I hope this was helpful
@@SimplyaLady92 thank you for the advice. I've been trying to tell myself that too because to be honest a lot of people around I don't vibe with well. I feel bad though because I feel so hot and cold because sometimes I have the ability to talk to people. But other times I'm avoidant because I don't have the energy to keep entertaining people so sometimes people think I'm upset when I'm not, just tired/drained. I'm scared I'm always going to be stuck this way.
@minervaowl8298 Get yours first.
What entertains you? If you can't think of anything, go live and experience more so you can find that thing.
Talk about that thing with people. Entertain yourself on other people's presence and invite people to join in on the fun with you.
People just want to have fun and laugh. After someone has learned that they can laugh and enjoy themselves enough times with you and vice versa, then the deeper connection will follow (personal feelings, inner thoughts that you mind sharing)
I relate to what you wrote, and it's ok to put your desires first and open yourself up to company joining in.
Maybe you are just more introverted. Nothing wrong with that either
@@simonar6492 I'm both. I'm introverted but extremely avoidant as well. I can be alone for long periods of time and can't get emotionally attached easily. But I'm also introverted because I have a low social battery. My problem though is my hot and cold behavior. I can be social for one minute and then shut down the next. It's hard for me to bounce back too. I can't adapt anymore and it's like I'm like two different people. Imagine a person who is social who can get a whole room to laugh and then a visibly depress person quiet in the corner. I am both and it's jarring.
OMG! 10 million thousand % this is me! I even avoid learning about this because then I will have to do something about it. It’s painful and draining for me to be around people. It’s exhausting.
This is so me. Can't get myself motivated to get out of bed and get to where I need to be on time. Numbed out and avoiding anything. Especially cleaning and cooking.
I had some medical issues over the past year and I really learned who is and isn't there for me. All the people who had said they would come and visit me while recuperating never followed through. Not even a phone call to check in on me.
So I am trying to rely on the kind people that I don't know as well as the unreliable ones.
Working on reaching out.
I am the same as you, not coping with daily responsibilities at all, very insecure anxious and isolated. No 'friends' at all, family angry with my 'victim' behaviour. The worry about being ill is a big one, especially as I get older. The real life cases of people dead in their home for months, even years could well apply to me, or i will be a nuisance to some paid help, who does not do a conscientious job.
There was a young woman in London who was mummified when she was finally found on her sofa, years after she was last seen. The tv was still on. She was only found because of the arrears on her electricity bill. I can't remember what happened about her job, she might have been a temp.
@@sanataj 😢
I isolate due to being hard of hearing. I was born with a hearing problem and doctors told my parent it would get worse with time. I’m 55 and my hearing is so bad, it’s exasperating to not be able to understand what is being said. I hear sounds and get bits and pieces of a conversation but I can’t follow. I get depressed. People say why don’t you get hearing aids or copliar implants: I have nerve damage and neither of those work. I know a little sign language but that should have been started with me as a kid. My pops was a long distance truck driver so if he was home he was sleeping.
I feel more like a bother to ask people to repeat themselves multiple times. So I just isolate.
Volunteering for some event can feel like climbing a mountain but even just one time showing up to do a random thing that the group needs can put you on a different path. It's like a light switch. I kinda got tricked into being the leader of a meetup group years ago. I met so many people and yah some were super annoying or triggering. But some are now lifelong friends. Just sitting by another human can be a step. Random people can be safer for us. Much easier than family in my case.❤
@@tinaknutsen you’re not a bother for asking people to repeat themselves a ton of time if those people care about you at all. Also, see if your area has a local deaf community. Join it, and learn sign language. It is never too late and those folks are some of the most accepting folks I’ve ever met even if you’re not fully deaf.
@@briannawaldorf8485
I know certain family members care, but they do get frustrated with me because I can’t follow a conversation. My son just cuts me off and says “never mind “ or “forget it” and my brother can be down right rude.
They don’t completely get it…what it feels like to be treated like this for something you can’t control….their wives call them out on it when they see it. I have a speech impediment which people automatically think I can’t comprehend. I write better than I speak.
It’s the same when I go for appointments, the doctor or whomever My appointment is with will look past me as if I’m not there and talk in front of me to the other person(family member)about what’s going on with me. When I say something it only reverts back to them talking to the other person(family member). I have been treated like I was a bother my whole life, I’ve learned to disengage.
I am familiar with the deaf community and I do know some sign language but have a difficult time following the person speaking sign language as their hands go to fast and I don’t know signing well. My cousin is completely deaf and we can’t follow each other and mostly our personalities don’t click. She has to post 50 selfies a day on FB and she is attention seeking in these outfits that make her look like she walks the streets.
But I get what your saying….some of the nicest people are ones with disabilities and I do tend to click with them as there is a unspoken understanding. Respect, dignity,compassion and empathy.
What a wonderful world it would be if people could learn to slow down and take the time to treat each other like human beings.
Half the people I know are on their phones are games and that’s more important than actually getting together and interacting.
Brianna thanks for replying and I hope in this journey of life that you touch others hearts through giving of yourself…I believe it will be returned beyond measure. The things people can’t buy …time, friendship, understanding, empathy and compassion.
This hits so very hard. I have not one friend to speak of. I turn 40 this year and can not believe how my life has turned out. Largely because of cptsd and partly I’ve had just some dumb bad luck. I hope I can come out of this well.
The CCF membership is a great place to start making friends in a supportive community :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
It’s no too late. You can move forward from this point.
Same
@@miss_naomi7377 I know I need treatment but I do not have money to pay for it.
Me too. Here's to us and a better tomorrow.
There is no covert about it. I have used avoidance my whole life (65 years to date) to survive. It is exhausting and unproductive and life sucking. Thanks for the reminder that now is always a good time to ditch learned, destructive behaviors.
We understand as few others can, you're in the right place! -Calista@TeamFairy
I’m not gonna lie this is one of my biggest problems. I’ve had trauma since childhood and even as a child I isolated myself a lot. And I’ve had patterns of avoiding social interactions and events. Like just interacting with people seem like a big deal. And it makes me depressed because I don’t want to be alone. But like you say hurt keeps you at arms length from people. At times struggling with the fact that I feel I didn’t feel good enough to others.
I used to try to make friends all the time when i was younger, because I was desperate for someone to like me, preferably an adult. I would have been a gift to a paedophile.
I thought people outside the family would like me and i could find somewhere to belong, but it didn't happen, so I got more and more isolated and now i am behind the wall of protection, like you, so lonely but unable to get on with people. They have contempt for me because i don't have self-esteem and do have anxiety and put myself down, craving reassurance about myself, but people refuse to do that and don't respect me for not helping myself i.e. victim mentality.
@@sanataj However you put yourself down you are self aware and as for those who criticise you they insult you but what do they realise about themselves? Maybe one day you'll seek therapy or you won't but it's all up to you whatever you choose. Not everything is down to choice though is it? Not for me anyway. I keep people at arms length because it seems the only way to be. People love to judge and I'm no different but it's different when it's about then then they'd shut up.
Forgive yourself & others, you’re alive for a reason. God gave you gifts to use to help make the world a better place, just as Anna is doing on her YT channel😊
I'm just now realizing how much of my life I have been alone. I was a latch-key kid growing up, then I lived alone but would go out with friends. Then I was married to someone who traveled. Now that I am a stay at home parent, I find myself isolating and staying up late just to be alone. I never thought I was avoidant before because I always had a social life, and it was healthy to be able to spend time by yourself. Now I am seeing how much more alone time I need than anyone else and it feels like I should be able to enjoy my family more.
It's hard to change a habit you've grown up doing, but that doesn't mean you can't! If you're interested, I recommend you check out Anna's course 'Connection Bootcamp', here's a link: bit.ly/CCF_Connection
-Calista@TeamFairy
I can relate so much to your comment (former latch key kid and all ) thank you .
I keep attracting people who don't wish to engage much, giving or receiving, they're busy, engaged with other family relationships, work, obligns.
I am happy to have physical friend connection and human face to face interaction, once a day when out for walk.
I realise my childhood ptsd effects do lead me to close off, isolate,but I also realise balancing self time with other time is difficult.
Practice helps me. Consistency is key. Self care and supportive self talk is very helpful.
As an aspiring psychologist,, thank you! I must heal before looking to help heal others.
Finally a therapist that gets to the point tells the facts and says what's actually wrong. I've went to therapist off and on through different times in my life and they were wishy washy keep you hanging on don't get to the point but keep having you so you gotta keeping going back hoping I find out what's wrong with me and none of them helped me I was still stuck. Having 2 bad marriages and both husband's didn't want to be married to me didn't even wanna try to make it work, after finding this out afterwards. they only tormented me terribly making me feel it was all my fault. The therapist is straight to the point too bad I didn't have her.
Anna is not a therapist but we so appreciate your support!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I’m a daily smoker of ye old devils lettuce. Used to play video games a ton when I was younger still play games but now I’ve even started not talking to “the bois”. In my house growing up, the biggest and the loudest won. When I could I would get away by going to my room but even then it eventually boiled down to something I did pissed one of my 3 sisters off then they would tell my mom, she would embellish and tell my dad, my dad would then beat me for it after I got 30 seconds to explain myself. I remember when I tried not to cry once. He literally stopped and said oh you wanna try and be tough huh? You gone cry, and I swear on my life his face twisted to like this angry happy look and he beat me some more and harder. I love my parents but I truly wish they’d never met, they were toxic from the jump and used us kids to get a leg up on the other. Always with the come get your child. Like what I’m your child too? But I realized the more we acted like a parent or were ok with their fights and took sides we wouldn’t get that little discard statement.
I always felt like a therapist to my parents or my sisters like I never got the chance to open up about my shit so I didn’t and don’t. Whenever I did I was berated with “oh you aren’t a man etc etc.” hurts a lot more coming from family. I can’t say I’ve never said anything hurtful, I have but I’ve never used my family as little emotional dumpsters and someone to convince to be on my side.
I know I’m ranting but I want to come back to this and remember I want to change enough that their antics and manipulation don’t hurt or set me off as much or at all.
I say I’m fine a lot when I’m not so I don’t inconvenience them with my past nipping at the heels of my mind. They ask why I don’t tell them anything anymore and I just put my hands up like what am I to do when I open up and everything I divulge is thrown into a wood chipper and fed back to me as “you’re just too sensitive they’re joking.” Or the classic “ but we’re family we don’t mean it” family doesn’t do that shit and keep going when they see it’s starting to hurt.
Honestly going to family functions feels like jumping headfirst into a pit of vipers.
Signed up for betterhelp a day ago, hopefully we can get to the root of these problems I have and are creating so I can be a better person.
If you read this far, thanks for not seizing trying to read all of that😂
The better Sean, I read what you wrote, because I have expressed myself like this also. To know that I'm not alone is like exhaling. There are people out there who isolate to keep peace in their lives. I hope that you start to heal your heart. I'm on that path now in 2023. Raised my family, avoid my family members, grieve lost family and now ready to love me, so I can enjoy my life🎉🎉🎉❤😊
@thebettersean
I read your comment today March 25, 2024 and wonder if you are OK and have peace in your life; in your heart and mind. I hope you do. God bless you.
Thank you Anna! Have just entered trauma counseling at 69 yrs old. Find your blogs very helpful giving words to feelings, as well as providing hope! Thanks for sharing your healing to help others.
Wow! I’m relating so much! My life went from Homeschooling 4 children, taking care of my mom 7 years until her passing away, volunteering at church 5 days a week and 2 times for service, and married taking care of a big house to - empty nest, mom passing, filing for divorce (not going through it), leaving my abusive church, my husband passing away, moving to a tiny condo and feeling very alone. I’ve since realized through the internet, that I probably have CPST, codependent behavior and who knows what else. I am sure I need therapy. You have educated me in so many areas. Thank you.
Do your children visit you often or did they move away?
@bonnieleehen, WOO, dear lady you have been through a wiiild ride. I was the daughter in a similar situation, and an only- my heart goes out to you(extra wild when your late husband you were filing for divorce from passed? and I deeply hope you begin to(or continue to?) experience healing and a fullness you hadn't imagined possible after all of this!! All the Best to you! 🙂💖🕊
I find that most people are so caught up with their own lives that they don't have time or energy to care about anything outside. I also find that people these days seem to be overly connected to their families which to me is a super comfort zone. I don't have that luxury. Even before my family had pretty much passed away we were never a family and when I entered into AA I was taught a lot about enabling so I've never allowed people to really enable me. I wonder if I've taken it too far. Even if I have it doesn't much matter now because I'm old and no one really reaches out to me the way they did when I was younger. Not trying to say poor me it's just reality :-)
12 Step programs are a wonderful route to connections!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Well I'm 67 years old and I have tried about everything under the Sun but I still haven't given up or I wouldn't be here. I would say that a lot of it has been lack of follow-through and clearly when you talked about giving up early that's my MO. However... I have very much pushed through a lot in my life and bounced back as far as I could. It's been more of a background lingering sabotage relationships, finding something wrong with everybody including myself and the fear of intimacy with females. I have no problem with men. I've known for a long time why but getting past it... Truth is I'm tired. But I can't keep living this way. I've only been isolating you might say for 7 years and in that time I've renovated my entire home so I was doing something that I highly enjoyed and I probably would be out doing more but I came back to the area in 15 and Friends of either died, moved or rejected me because I was going through menopause and I was half crazy LOL
what if i just truly dont like most people? what if i feel society has become shallow and meaningless itself? i am around alot of people all the time in my job and i dont resonate with many. not in morals, intellect, interests, or character. i feel like thats ok though . it doesnt bother me. i havent watched this video yet ,but whats wrong with avoiding people that are not good people ?? or who mentally drain you ,or who just small talk and literally waste time>? some people might just like to be alone, i do. i was an only child, rarely had close friends, being alone is just what im comfortable with .
Exactly. I’ve become avoidant out of utter necessity, and the more avoidant I’ve become m the happier I’ve been. As soon as I give another guy a chance, it’s just more fuckery. If there’s nothing out there except bad, why not avoid it.
@@toscadonnaI am feeling the same right this weekend. I thought I’d give someone another chance ( been dating on and off for the last 10 years with him!) this time though I really pay attention to the actions. Surprise surprise still the same person! I really thought king and hard, is it better to be alone or have someone who keeps you in constant mindfuckery. I think the former is liveable the latter even pushes you down in a rabbit hole of insecurity. I tried so many times , far too many times. I think the next step is acceptance, some of us just got fed up with people too soon in our childhood that we have consumed our reserve of tolerance way too early. Its solitude for me, just me and my daughter and two good close friends who don’t ask much from me and I don’t ask much from them.. and oh my new house and newly started garden and Anna here on UA-cam. No mindfuckery. Nada!
@@toscadonna exactly how i feel
No argument if you're truly happy.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Totally! Sometimes it's ok to stop the self blame and just be ok with what we like and who we are. Less friends are better. Quality over quantity. With age we become wiser and we screen people, that s all.
Without these videos, I wouldn’t have been able to heal my delusions. Of course, I’m still keeping some of them because I’m human but I’m a lot less attached to unhealthy relationships. Thank you for your hard work, it means a lot to people like me who can’t afford to try out different therapists
The call-out about people who externalise pain and loneliness, picking out what's wrong with everyone else...I really felt that😞
I strongly relate to this. I grew up in a very dysfunctional household and learnt to become invisible and not express my needs (father has severe and untreated aspergers/autism, mother was sole breadwinner and functional adult in the situation).
You can’t really “treat” autism, it just kind of is what it is. Coming from an autistic person.
@@thepicklegambit you're right, there's probably a better word I could use. It would have been better for me and the whole family if he had gotten help with managing his serious problems (sensory issues, paranoia/egocentrism, refusal to work anymore after fathering a child, etc). It's hard because when there's a conflict between the needs of an autistic parent and their child (neurotypical or autistic), its like the unstoppable force vs the immovable object. That's were it becomes neglect, and it doesn't make much difference if its intentional or not.
@@Tibbs736 Don't apologise to a autistic person who's more interested in lecturing than understanding what you mean. I'm autistic too but some autistic people need to learn empathy because not every autistic person is them. I'm sorry your father was like he was and no no one can help being autistic but if the will was there they would try seek a understanding of how their behaviour affects others. There's honestly no reason why being autistic would stop that unless the person just didn't care to understand. I have a mother who's narcissistic and a late father who had a personality disorder so I understand what it's like growing up in a dysfunctional home. I'm not a healthy minded person but I make no excuses for that I had those two people for role models so what would I know about normal relationships but I try my best to be nothing like them. I didn't know until four or five years ago that I was allowed to have my own needs, feelings. I'm 44 so I think that makes me seem like an idiot and I laugh at myself but what did I know? You live and learn is a phrase I love. Everyone who thinks they know everything knows nothing of importance I'd want to know.
@@charlottelouise209 think maybe they just took the words too literally. I don’t think they meant any harm.
@@wintergirll I don't care. I'm sick of autistic people thinking any behaviour from other autistic people is acceptable just because the person is autistic, so no questions should be asked. I don't happen to be perfect so yes I have faults like like any human being does. This isn't me pretending I'm superior or any nonsense like that.
When I finally had asked for help, those people were non existent or a hot mess themselves
I only found this channel a day or two ago. It's fantastic. I get a strong sense of lived authenticity behind the advice, it does not sound like the same cookie cutter text book training that so many UA-cam channels give.
This is spot on for me. I've got a 43 year "life" and nothing but the dread of death to accompany me. Thank God for good people willing to face, learn, and share some of the most painful and shameful things we experience in the hope of a better humanity.
Ask God why you are here. There are many things you can do.
Still young, you got this!
I used to be anxiously attached in just about every romantic relationship. After two horrible relationships and a lot of years wasted with avoidants, and a couple more CPTSD trauma episodes with friends, I finally turned 100% avoidant and absolutely do not trust humans anymore. (I'm aware that, primarily, I don't trust myself anymore to filter out wrong people before I get attached.) I'm actively a hermit now and the mere thought of a relationship makes me shudder. On the other hand, I have never felt so cared for, so healthy, comfortable, loved and cozy now that I'm dumping all of my love and care on myself. Now I have no motivation to change, even though my therapist insists that's something that should be challenged. But why? There's only pain and disappointment and waste of time, health and money on the other side.
At least we can trust our cats!!!😺
Wow. I’d like to feel that comfortable being alone and I think I’m getting closer to it. It’s just nice to not have to be alone when you don’t wanna be and I have someone to talk to when you want or need to. If you can be alone plus of those things I think that’s ideal
@@jazzsoul1695 True! Or... can we?? 😂 I know I can always trust jazz! Aaaand coffee!
@@mare2723 I agree I'm in a very comfortable situation with my solitude, and rationally I can understand that that's not necessarily a great thing, if it keeps me away from relationships for too long, as relationships are supposed to be the stuff life's made of and people on their deathbed only ever regret not having loved more. But emotionally it has gotten very difficult for me to act on that knowledge. Fear keeps me frozen.
@@TheCoffeeCat Hahaha, I have 2 cats. They're like people.
This is a very helpful channel. I am almost entirely alone, mostly because I am disabled and I have no family. And I DO have CPTSD from a completely wreteched childhood entirely devoid of love. I work constantly not to self-sabotage. My spiritual life, though unsupported, is very helpful in that regard. I'm going to stick with this channel and see if I can heal some of this and learn some more techniques. Thanks or being here for us!
Thank YOU for being here, too!
TeamFairy
May Allah guide you to Islam. The only peace you’ll have on earth.
Islam has created more war, violence , and hell than almost anything on earth. Especially for women. @@frisbeecouriers
Thank you, with tears streaming like watefalls, this is the video that finally fits. Thank you so much.
Cptsd has ruled my adult life. Thank you for defiining avoidant attachment. I can now share this with my family!
As hard as life can get, the most difficult obstacle I’ve ever had to face is myself. I have a tendency to indulge in my avoidance and isolation behaviors. As an experiment, I decided to trial saying “yes” any time I was asked to go out or attend a social function. Virtually every experience was preceded by fear, looming dread, anxiety and an almost instinctual urge to escape. However, I was surprised that no matter the degree of negative emotion preceding each social engagement, those feelings were universally replaced with a sense of well-being, inner warmth, belonging, and a steady calmness of mind.
I still feel the primal urge to escape, but I try to reframe it similarly to the intense fear/anxiety we feel on roller coasters that we instead call “thrill” despite a nearly identical physiologic and emotional response to threat.
Feelings that are triggered from internal or external stimuli are subconsciously contextualized and transformed into emotion (fear/anxiety vs thrill/excitement) to influence behavior appropriately (avoid danger or engage in excitement). This is a normal brain function to protect and preserve the organism but to also engage in behaviors that offer perceived benefit or advantage.
CPTSD disrupts this process by contextualizing otherwise harmless stimuli as harmful based on associated trauma experienced during critical periods of development, and the otherwise normal functioning portion of this circuit responds accordingly to avoid perceived danger. This is a function of deep subcortical processing, a foundational brain circuit in all mammals. Our otherwise logical thought processes take place in prefrontal and higher cortical brain regions that may recognize the behavior patterns as maladaptive, however it CANNOT override the other more foundational, rigid emotional circuits formed during development.
The power here, however, is that we can RECOGNIZE triggers and emotional response through AWARENESS, and modify behavior in response to feelings/emotions we come to understand as maladaptive. This doesn’t eliminate the negative feelings and thoughts at all, but it can at least give us some agency in how we live, ultimately in harmony with emotional pain rather than become subject to it.
1:10:15
"...so much of the best of us can only be expressed in relation to other people." ABSOLUTELY! We need to get out of our own heads and reach out to others, little by little. 🌞🥰 I know this may seem easier said than done, but it is doable!
Anna: I am a new viewer and was not familiar with CPTSD. Very grateful in finally finding answers from you in why I act as I do (being sensitive, am comfortable isolating, easily triggered anger and outbursts, etc., etc.) I can so relate to your video. I am elderly and have felt alone and confused. Thank you for your teachings.
Thank you for watching! I encourage you to try Daily Practice. It can help sort through things that feel confusing. You can try it free here: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
I can't believe I've gone all this time not knowing about your channel. You have been incredibly helpful. Thank you so much!
OMG! You hit the mark with me. Avoidance is a big problem with me. Now I have to learn how to heal the triggers and learn how to reach out!
The healing work is what CCF is all about. This free course will have you on your way bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
-Cara@TeamFairy
My hobby of Model Car Building has been very therapeutic for me and I enjoy attending and setting up at Model Shows and I really enjoy meeting and connecting with fellow modelers...
Dear Anna listening to the attributes the lady wrote in her letter I noticed one could get a kind of stuck in rests of trauma. I recognize myself...I thought I must be kind of clean from everything before I am lovable...now I feel I am good enough. Thank you for your wonderful work.
The hardest thing for me as a recently diagnosed "Dismissive Avoidant" is to put my finger on how I could've had such a pleasant childhood with parents who I always knew deep down loved me unconditionally and still turned out like this??
They were not perfect, but "Neglect" is the last word I would ever think of about either of my parents.
The ONE blessing in disguise for Dismissive Avoidants may just be that we honestly fail to process just how bad things actually were so at least we are given the gift of ignorance so we are not in the kind of pain that realization could've bought us??
Covert avoidance....that hit home. Initially I thought it was ADHD symptoms ..
I thought that too!
I just left a message above about that. ADHD is on the autistic spectrum, i have been told. A couple of people suggested to me I might be autistic, Is saw some documentaries of people on tv talking about it. The GP didn't seem so convinced. I didn't fit any of the symptoms on the form for referral to a consultant psychiatrist for assessment. A guy i chatted to said childhood reactive attachment disorder symptoms are the same as the way his autistic son behaved when younger. So does that overlap?
@@sanataj ADHD is not actually a part of autism, it is a separate disorder in and of itself. However they are both very similar to each other and share several overlapping traits. Many, many people are both autistic and ADHD, but you can certainly have one or the other and not both at the same time.
Holy shit watching this, I definitely have covert avoidance. I do also think I have adhd though... Not sure how to know which is which
That’s what my friend thought of himself as well. In any regard, when you find your path towards healing the spectrum doesn’t matter. The fairy does a super job with her channel. I keep coming back over years.
It’s really key for me when you said at a party the fear of being ignored or being drowned in conversation
That's right we should heal ourselves from being isolated, I am also being like that nobody knows what is going through with me not even my own family and friends .
You broke through my suit of armor…I so needed to hear these words! Bless you & thank you.💜💐🙏
I'm so glad the video was helpful, we're all sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
"You need people".
Ugh. The painful truth that I refused to see until now, at 40, when I've been an almost complete hermit for a decade.
Well, I guess I found this channel just in time to fix my course 😅
Same here. 40. Hermit for a decade. Getting out more now. I'm sure we're not the only ones. Hope you're doing alright!
@@tommyhatcher3399nope! Not the only ones. 41 year old hermit here. 🙋🏼♀️
Same, same! Been in therapy for 30 damn years. Got a cPTSD/PTSD diagnosis in my 20s. But didn't do proper trauma therapy. None of my therapists addressed it, despite the diagnoses. Finally have an amazing trauma therapist, now. So, here's to hope. 🍻
This explains so much. Just knowing what causes me to be this way is a relief. I appreciate this video and the knowledge that this really needs to be something I focus on.
"I thought there was just some mystery problem with me..." SO MUCH ME (& sadly into my 50s until about the time I discovered this channel...!)
50s here too. It hasn’t gotten easier, but I keep trying.
5/11. Watching this today. Have to just watch for now and rewatch to take notes. I’ve isolated so long I’m crying watching this.
I hear you, I know how painful it can be to feel so isolated. Anna offers a course on healing loneliness and creating more connected relationships that I highly recommend you check out. Here is the link if you're interested: bit.ly/CCF_Connection We're all here for you and are sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
we were raised by people who called hate, love. we need to experience love and kindness before we can trash the false definition of love. find kind people
First time watcher. Only 8:30 in and sobbing bc this is my life. Thank you. I thought it was just me.
Oh, I completely understand that feeling but you are most certainly not alone! Our whole community is here to support you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
God!!!! I so needed this! Thank god I found you. My life is a mess. I have no real connection with anyone. My eating is terrible and my passion for physical exercise has gone
Same. It’s hard to know where to start!
I isolate. I admit it. This made it hard to find AA help- but I took your advice about 12-step groups and discovered that there are many different kinds, with different formats and styles!
Thanks for teaching people about their mental behavior from trauma. I think CPTSD has made me an introvert, and judgemental individual. It also has given me the ability to look at life from a better place in which extroverts would never be able to see. I can see the manipulation by society that has made us consumers and made us blind by those in political, businesses and family and friends that in reality only care about a shallow world who only love inside their own borders.
Omg.. these videos are in your face truth bombs. It hurts but is healing because I wasn't even aware of so much of this.... I have alot of work ahead. I have been stuck in the past trying to heal the past but your advice to look at the future is so helpful. The story feels safe. Feeling stuck feels safe. It is hard. I dont know that I have CPTSD but am avoidant and had a terrible childhood. God bless you and your work. Thank you for naming all the things.
I feel like you’re speaking to me like you’ve already been inside my head before. Every video blows my mind how much I say, “yes! That’s me! She knows me!!” I’m so happy I found you and subscribed - I’m a trauma survivor a troubled teen industry survivor and im coming up on 2 years in recovery. I do EMDR and DBT weekly and im all about improving my mental health because being borderline with CPTSD is a full time job in itself lol 😂
...You just put a name to what I've been struggling with my entire life. And that's definitely something for me to bring up to my therapist. Thank you for this video.
OMG. I thank I from the bottom of my heart for this video. I happened upon it accidentally but if I didn’t know any better I would seriously think that I watched the entire thing without even so much as blinking even once. Every part and every minute u speak as the video continues for me on my end literally describes exactly 100 % of each moment and each second of each day I am currently experiencing in my life and until now I had no way to try and explain any of it I’ve only been aware of experiences that happen repeated at times recently and haven’t known what to do about any of it or where to even begin. I feel hope right this very moment and I haven’t had or felt hope of any kind for quite a long time before this. U made this possible for me. Now I can continue watching since the best part which of course is the solution. So off I go to my bath I’ve just drawn for myself and can look forward to enjoying the rest of ur video and I’ll be sure to save some of the bubbles from my bath for whatever one comes on next as well. U have no idea the gratitude I have for u right now. Thanks again so much. I won’t forget you ever in this life time that’s for sure. Definately , am now a fan for sure. Enjoy ur the part of the day ur time zone is in and I’ll be doing that as well! Good nite for now !
You're such a good communicator, and certainly a subject matter expert. Sometimes I'm amazed at your knowledge. I think to myself... DUH!, how did I miss all of this? Thank you so much for your insights
I'm so glad the channel has been helpful :)
-Calista@TeamFairy
I’m 16 and I have a lot of these tendencies and I recently went through a breakup and I realize some of the issues in my relationship were because of my avoidance and I want to start fixing and healing myself again, so I wanted to say thank you for this video.
I’ve definitely had periods where i felt extremely avoidant (the rest of life being covert avoidance even at ‘better’ times). After i broke my few years hermit ‘fast’ i got very hurt, and as it just added up to previous injuries it hurt way more than normal people would experience. Made me feel very defective to learn again how vulnerable and emotionally dysregulated i still am. Literally my brain can make me insane, what i felt is not normal. Isolation doesn’t cure it. Only embracing the fears and learning to deal with them by fighting them proactively may work. Avoidance is just delaying the inevitable pain and making it hurt even more by delaying.
Thank you so much for the work you put out. It's really helping me while I try and navigate life's present challenges. I have a very good handle on some aspects of healing, but I actually ended up laughing out loud - while you were mentioning that people that smoke a LOT of pot are numbing out anger, I was in the middle of preparing an awful lot of joints so that I 'can handle the week'... because I'm super irritable.
The good news is that I'm aware that no human should smoke this much burning plant matter and I have been working on cutting down and ceasing. I have quit alcohol after thirteen years of hellish addiction and no longer smoke cigarettes, but it was a slippery slope back down to numbing myself to function and then being frustrated that everything was getting harder.
It helps a lot to hear letters where people have had a similar childhood to mine. I have had a hard time with feeling like I fit in, or like moving around as a kid "wasn't that bad." Knowing that there is hope around the corner and it can be fixed as long as I can keep going is all that I need. It's also reassuring to know that the issue stems from something that can be helped on the inside and I'm not just some sort of degenerate with no self-control... especially because that's not even remotely true. No matter what my inner angry grandma voice might have to say otherwise ♡
For me - and many, it's numbing and/or avoiding with food or being sedentary...or distractions of all mental/head/intellectual sorts. Or lately, shopping.
Addictions. Like Gabor Mate says -- it's not why the addiction, but --why the pain. And as Anna Runkle says here, particularly at the end (and I like IFS and Hakomi therapy too), esp. for those of us stuck, it's 1) 'just' (no harsh judgement, just...) noticing the dysregulation, and 2) coming to believe (as it is in step 2 of a 12-step programs) that we can (be or initiate, do or be willing for to do and realize) 'change'.....that is, '50% LESS dysregulation' when triggered -- that she mentions at the end of this video.
I can relate to all of this except the being late. I am very early to everything because I get terrible anxiety afraid I won’t get a good seat, parking spot, etc. The rest of this is spot on. I’m in this state constantly and it has negatively affected my life in every way. I need to better help myself. I deserve it and my family deserves it. I’m so glad I found this channel. Thank you!
Everything you’re saying describes my behavior. The avoidance the being late stuff avoid social events. Then the guilt afterwards
👋im very disregulated anytime a heated argument is around me or near me or a discussion that is uncomfortable for me. I fall apart and just want to get alone. I really don't like being in public anymore and try to just stick to family members whom i feel safe with. As for time I'm always 10 mins early. Part 7 made me giggle right away because I have a decoration on my wall that says, 'I'm not bossy I just know what you should be doing'. I also wear a t-shirt that says, 'sorry I'm not good at peopling'. Very often I get lots of smiles and positive comments in a day when I'm out in public wearing it😊
'I'm not bossy I just know what you should be doing". That is very funny!
-Cara@TeamFairy
“I’m perfect; just ask me.”
This is probably the best video I've ever watched on this topic! Thank you for doing this! It helps me so much just to hear you speak about these topics, to get to know myself, and to get to know those close to me. And you say it in such a wonderful way, that really makes it easy to digest.
Again, thank you for doing this, I really appreciate you creating these videos that help not only me, but many people that watch these videos.
Thank you again, and I hope You will be able to help many more people on these topics.
Anna, I learned far more from this video than I have from 3 different counselors over the years. This is ME through and through. It's both scary and hopeful but I'm hanging onto hope. Truth and knowledge can offer us power to overcome our self defeating behaviors. Hopefully if we know better we will do better. Thank you so much.
Oh man, 10 minutes in, and it feels like she's describing my life.
Omg this video hit so hard for me and I watched it twice. This is everything that I have been dealing with and I needed to hear all of this. My mind was blown after I watched this. Just wow!! Thank you so much for taking the time to make this video. I have started to get real help because of the realization of what I was dealing with. My emotions and thoughts are going haywire trying to process all of this.
Thank you for your comment! Julie@TeamFairy
Wow! Your description of our gifts being what we have that can help others is spot on! I had a woman walk up to me while I was shopping and ask me to coach her on self transformation. I was too sick with long COVID at the time to have the energy, but I now feel that it’s time to bring other women up along with me. Thanks for bringing us up! ❤️
I never thought of being late as signs of avoidance before! That is so poignant. And busy-ness- the stuff I was avoiding made me "busy" because there were things I really did have to do but was constantly avoid them.
This is a really insightful video on the topic of avoidant attachment style and how it can impact our relationships. The speaker offers helpful tips on how to recognize if you have an avoidant attachment style, and more importantly, how to heal from it. It's inspiring to see that with some self-awareness and effort, we can break free from patterns that may be holding us back in our relationships. This video is definitely worth watching for anyone who wants to improve their emotional well-being and build healthier connections with others.
Thanks for mentioning avoidance. I'm always seeing advice (often sexist) for women who go the opposite direction and become promiscuous, and I always wondered when my tendencies would get a mention.
Some of us are just introverts and quite happy not interacting at every possible moment. We’re honestly happier this way. Social interactions: quality is better than quantity. We have rich inner lives. Small talk is not enjoyable. And we’re just fine being who and how we are.
I'm never lonely, when I'm alone. My god is always with me.
This is me I turn 50 this year so am doing a lot of reflection all the friends I had in my 20’s 30’s and early forties drifted away because I limited my participation in these relationships to a superficial level trepidatious that if I invested to much a terrible fate would befall me and I would have no escape - I understand it now but I accept it and I’m ok with it I enjoy my peace and the absence of drama that come with other
Thank you so much for saying adults don’t technically have needs that anyone else should meet!! When in therapy I would be lost when they asked me ‘What about YOUR needs [in relationship]?’ Although I did need to get out of the rubbish relationship, this idea didn’t sit right with me, yet it is commonly banded about. Glad to have found this channel ❤
Glad you are here!
Nika@TeamFairy
I am 1 of those who liked the locked down and the fact I still work from home.
I recently came across your videos and have taken notes and am starting the writing technique and daily practices. I am learning better to control triggers. I am recovering.. I see progress.. I've had family members say so as well.. Too long right now to write my story. Grateful for coming across this info
Great work. That’s what healing looks like.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I loved the lockdown. I've been looking for decent paying ways to work from home for decades. I always end up in a job where it was my intention to be back of the house, but end up the opposite. I would love to work from home. Any suggestions on how to get started? Thanks!
Mercy...you have given me the description of myself. Asking for help is my biggest challenge.
I never did have anyone to talk to about my feelings (self induced) but I felt I wanted to write poetry. Out it flowed, in poetry, but later more as an expression my high emotions. While that was good to get my feelings out, I also got to learn how I was feeling in the first place! Boy, was I messed up! But it was the beginning of the journey toward self knowledge.
Avoidance, be it ethical or manipulative, can destroy relationships. Codependency is a real thing there… I love this channel so much! Thanks for the input! I also listen to Adam Lane Smith, ethical avoidants can change, he sees in his practice. However, if you only meet once a month like written in the letter - no way any of the helping factors like talking, finding mutual interests and core values in life, solving problems together or the fairy’s daily practice could be implemented as a mutual activity. This letter hit home - many thanks for sharing it!
Gosh, I was just talking to my sister last weekend about my past propensity to be late for everything. I’m very punctual now, but I used to be chronically late for everything, and it was definitely avoidance mixed with a desire to squeeze one more task in before leaving. I’ve also been the Queen of Excuses, lol. “I’d love to come to your (insert event here), but I’ll be boating down the Zambezi River that day,” isn’t far off some of the actual excuses I’ve come up with to get out of things.
This is me! Always trying to squeeze in one more task and running late as a result.
No only did I write about my trauma, I actually had the courage to send what I wrote to each person that caused the trauma. Thank goodness they live far away. It has take me twenty five years to get through the process. It felt great to let them know. Once I wrote, I cared less and less about how they feel.
Thanks for sharing!
-The Fairy Team
Sz
Asking for help has rarely worked for me. People say they're going to in one Form or fashion but then don't follow through. This leaves me in a worse situation than if I had never asked at all
This video was hard to watch between sobs- you hit the nail on the head!! 😮thank you for bringing hope❤
You have described me to a T. I have NEVER heard anyone put this problem into words so well. TY TY TY! I wish I could afford your program but maybe later on I will. In the meantime, I am starting the free writing and meditating exercise and watching your videos.
I hope you enjoy 'The Daily Practice', we're all rooting for you! -Calista@TeamFairy
Can't believe i am seeing hearing you speak about what i am going through. Bump into your channel yesterday night. I am so stuck because of my childhood trauma that i am just numb about my feelings. I feel so tired but just keep going on with every strength i can muster to keep my life together. Don't know for how long though cos i have be sick from degenerative disease. Thank you for doing this.i wll start the healing process.
Thank you so much for making these videos. They are so very helpful and i greatly appreciate your efforts. You have changed my life and many others ❤
Thank you so much for the encouragement!
-Cara@TeamFairy
6:06- 6:12 THANKS SO MUCH FOR VERBALIZING THAT ! Few things hit the target, that hit the bullseye!
This is me. This is so many of my friends. Please do more on this. Thank you!
Noted :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
So many of us out here with abusive backgrounds in every avenue along with CPTSD and other cases of disorders. It’s loving to have this channel and support. Thankful for the CCF can’t wait to try the daily writing course.
Thank you for being a part of our community here! Happy to hear you are willing to try the Daily Practice (bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice ). Hope it will help you like it has helped many others!
Nika@TeamFairy
Thank you, Anna, for your incredibly insightful video messages. I appreciate you. ❤
Thank you for your kind words :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I'm no longer going to let my avoidant attachment deraile my life and relationships. I am deserving of taking up space and to have authentic friendships and they will surely come to me 😊