When in Doubt About Whether to Break Up, Ask Yourself This ONE Question
Вставка
- Опубліковано 10 тра 2022
- 🟢 Order My New Book, RE-REGULATED: bit.ly/4dRI8Sj
Come See Me In Person! Workshops in US, UK: bit.ly/49rzM0Z
Do You Have CPTSD? Take the QUIZ: bit.ly/3GhE65z
FREE COURSE: *The Daily Practice*: bit.ly/3X1BrE0
Website: bit.ly/3CxgkRY
***
It's easy to leave when someone has been horrible. But when someone has shown good faith and has some good qualities, the decision to break up takes courage -- especially for people who carry abandonment wounds from childhood. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who has made the difficult decision to end her relationship with an "OK" guy. She's asked for the words to tell him. Watch to hear my step-by-step plan for making a clean and honorable break from a partner.
***
🟢 Letters: Want to submit a question for me to answer in a video?
Keep it short, not too explicit, relevant for this audience.
bit.ly/3VVxqjm
🟢 Become a Member!
Access ALL my courses, webinars, group coaching & online community
bit.ly/3Zfx9dN
🟢 Take My Online course: Healing Childhood PTSD
bit.ly/3k6gQQH
🟢 How I Recently Lost 27 Pounds: ble.life/V9fe9O
🟢 Change Trauma-Driven Dating Patterns
Online course: Dating & Relationships for People with CPTSD
bit.ly/3IBbrv7
🟢 Learn to Heal Dysregulation
Online course: Dysregulation Bootcamp
bit.ly/3ZpjGAh
🟢 Heal Isolation and Build Better Relationships
Online course: Connection Bootcamp
bit.ly/3iuUEPz
🟢 Coaching Programs & LIVE Calls with Anna
🔹 NEW Coaching Program for DATING: Apply Now: bit.ly/3Qjdozs
🔹 8-Week Coaching Intensive for Healing CPTSD Symptoms: bit.ly/3wjVVjg
🔹 Join LIVE Webinars with My Team and Me: bit.ly/3ifhJ8U
🟢 PARTNERS/RECOMMENDED PRODUCTS
(I receive commissions on referrals & recommend services I know and trust)
🔹 Is Carb Sensitivity Sabotaging Your Energy and Weight? Take the Quiz:
ble.life/V9fe9O
🔹 NEED ONLINE THERAPY? BetterHelp can connect you with a licensed, online therapist:
betterhelp.com/CCF
🔹 Try MUSE Headband to Calm Your Mind: choosemuse.com/ccf
Having CPTSD means constantly asking yourself: "How can I find a way to blame myself for my partner's abuse and neglect?"
For me it means if I could just change myself to be exactly what my partner wants, my partner will stop abusing and neglecting me. I'm learning to stop doing that.
That comment made me weep... It just explained my bad decision making for the pad 40 years..
Or parents (archetype).
@@redwoods7370 yes being the perfect cardboard cut-out without feelings, nor needs, nor wants; just perfectly needless in every moment smiling.
yep!
Wow.
I love the part about " seeing people for who they are now. Seeing potential is great, but not for romantic partners!" I get lost in the fantasy of who i made them out to be in my head. Currently terrible disappointed with the reality.
💯🎯 - What you see is what you geth - you don't end up with his potential.
You geth what you see + all the dark stuff he hide.
I needet a decade to erase my malgnant optimismus and not put up with BS and potential.
Important to lose expectations.
Mee too girl, me too. I wish I had learned about all of this 20 years ago!!!
Even worse is finding yourself married to the person someone used to be able to find within themselves, but they are no longer willing or able to put in the effort to be better for you. Instead you just slide down from bad to worse.
Ohh, this hits extra hard for me rn )-; i grew love for them but also I had a stronger love of the possibility of what we could be 💔
Hope anyone reading this going through a similar experience knows that you are worthy, and bring love, joy, and tenderness into the lives of others ❤️
My attraction to complete DUDS ended when I realized I was essentially dating people who were less then me so I could guarantee I wouldn't be left by them. Think more of yourself and you attract decent people to you.
It is incredible how we as human beings sabotage our own happiness, if that is ever possible… Having a set of standards, moral values, self esteem and confidence on ourselves should be a priority in order to be ok with our own self. There are people out there that appreciate those qualities and are searching for a partner to match with them. Don’t settle for less. Blessings
Wow! This explains 90% of my lifetime of relationships. Thank you, this spoke to me deeply.
💯
They werent less than you if you ended up with them. Maybe you were healing better and wanted better than them, but you also got attracted.
Even than, they arent less, they are just emotionaly in a harsher place.
Sound to condecending “ less than me” better put it as a wrong match.
Wish you to find someone proper
Correct 💯
Lying is my #1 red flag.
The first sign is if you have to ask yourself that question ...thats usually a good indication.
Sometimes.
100%
Sometimes… like legit nobody is perfect and it can be incredibly difficult to navigate this truth when your past was so skewed by people more than willing to exploit that truth
I think the most important relationship is the one with yourself!!
So true 👍, you can only love others to the extent you love yourself, but it's hard and difficult work to untangle/ shift patterns and heal trauma. I try practice self love and compassion for myself everyday. 😊🙏
No, not with yourself, with Jesus.....if you have problems, how do you ask YOURSELF how to fix them?
Totally!!
Exactly!
It’s the “can never celebrate others’ successes” that will be a MAJOR red flag for me from here on out. My former fiancé was a covert narcissist and he’d mentioned early on how much he loved that I could be happy for my friends. At the time I thought it was sweet, it took a while to understand that he really meant he loved how much of a supply I could be for him.
He was rarely happy for other people, he typically met other people’s success with anger and jealousy, even something like a good job or a newer car became a personal affront to him. I once pissed him off because the guacamole recipe I found turned out better than his. Guacamole. Guac-a-freaking-mole resulted in a thrown spoon and the silent treatment for several hours.
I still celebrate other people, and I will always take someone’s inability to be happy for others as a sign to leave.
Yup. My covert narc would rarely compliment me. He was attracted to my empathy and kindness..... so he could exploit them!! I'm so glad I got out of that bs relationship. Although it left me a little numb for a while, I'm healing and I will move on to a happier, healthier relationship. I hope you will too.
Yes. My ex boss who really screwed me in the end by trashing my image and firing me with NO notice said towards the beginning that she has a hard time celebrating with other people when they have it good.
I thought that was funny, not funny ha ha but funny strange because I mean, i don’t really struggle with jealousy but the reason why is when I see someone else succeed I tell myself I don’t know their full story, I don’t know what they had to go through to make it to where they are, so how can I be jealous of someone’s wins? It’s not realistic to be jealous of another persons wins without also being willing to be jealous of their struggles as well?
But yes she really screwed me in the end, I’m still recovering though by Gods hand I have been given so much to be grateful for since that ending… 💗🙏💗
P.S. - guaca freakin mole 😭😂🥲
Yes, this was the switch that flipped for me two weeks ago., when I did a brilliant thing and he walked around and climbed the fence to avoid acknowledging me!
My ex fiance was like this too. Whats crazy was he is a physician and he would always talk so poorly when graduating nurses would post their graduation pics on instagram like "look at these measly nurses with their balloons.. i went to school for 12 years and im not celebrating". I was like what??? Why do you even care why are you taking it personal? It felt so mean. Like let the nurses post what they want dammit
I can so relate to this. I have CPTSD and am VERY Codependent. I've spent my whole life "caregiving" men. I seem to only attract needy men and have had nothing but one sided relationships where I was the one that did all the giving. I am now content with being alone. I am more into peace and quiet and avoiding any and all drama. I say "no" to anyone that asks me for anything. My own mental health and well being is my first priority. I don't need any more "users" in my life.
God bless you, Ms. Anna. You have helped me so much, and you are helping so many others. Thank you for all you do.
Linda i can totally relate to you.Sending you love and hugs.
My mental health is my priority...
When I read your comment, I had to double check to be sure I hadn't written it. Sometimes I watch these videos over again and find my old comments. Your story is my story, too. I'm sorry. For me, too, I've found being alone is the only way to be safe.
@@ohdear2275 God bless you. May your present and future days be so much more comforting, peaceful, secure and stable than your pain of the past.
@@turner2952 Thank you. That's a lovely prayer for all of us. Amen
When a man behaves badly, you don’t try to fix him and talk about your feelings, you walk away. If he wants to know what happened, you simply say, you’re not what need, want or deserve in my life.
Sounds so easy, yet so hard to do
Hard to do. But, not impossible! And so very FREEing
Or a woman. They behave poorly as well.
@@ViagensGringa It's scary, yet it's easier to walk away if you choose to love yourself and put yourself first. You are worthy and deserving! I found my safe person and hopefully forever partner one week after I told my inner child that "I'm sticking up for you because I love you and because you are worthy & deserving"!
Maybe thats true and maybe just as true,the other way round.
perhaps depends on how much we have invested, or if what happened was a one off that was out of character
“What’s really going on is we didn’t take the time to find out who they really are, what they actually want, and what is going on in their lives.” Wow. That hit hard 🎯
When we look at someone we like, love, etc., we are looking at three people: the one we idealize; the one they really are; and the one they become. What you see is what you get: the chaos you tolerate.
This is amazing
Oof
Yes! Being picky isn’t a bad thing! I’m highly selective who to share a relationship with, and if you don’t meet my standards, needs and wants, you’re not worth my time!
It’s also important to realize no one person will meet all our needs. And there are some people with whom we can’t unpack certain issues. Radical acceptance and flexible thinking/feelings are vital. Part of emotional regulation is not having that rigidity. Adaptability is a key trait for those who survive and thrive. Identify core values and proceed from there.
Thank you for this excellent comment-it is a well stated reminder to relax, stay fluid, and take full responsibility for my own business.
this has been the BIGGEST lesson for me. as ana said in another video, you have to give out information slowly, in measured doses so you can be appropriate with others & learn if you're even *able* to share heavy details with someone. i think people with cptsd are so desperate to feel a connection, we just go overboard immediately & expect others to keep up with the intensity... then getting upset when they don't. 🥲
radical acceptance, indeed.
Love this ! Thanks 💗
It’s really hard to navigate relationships because some people give the advice that you just gave, but then others would say you need to use discernment and have your standards, not allow toxic people in your life. I guess it’s hard to know where that line is for whether a person is too pathological to fuck with, or if they are a flawed human with both positive and negative traits. What’s the cut off point for narcissism?
@@bonghitsandheavyriffs hi! What you said really resonates with me right now! If you see this, do you happen to remember the name of that other video you were mentioned
I have found it helpful to write an email "note to self" every time there is a disconnect in a relationship. This is helpful because otherwise I would forget it or minimize it. However, because it's in email form, I read through my emails and begin to realize that a pattern is forming - both in 'his' behaviour and my inaction (the normal situation). Bottom line is that I often failed to set boundaries and explain (even gently) what I will and will not accept - and then enforce those boundaries. Women that I know who are extremely clear about communicating their expectations (and perhaps perceived as dominant) are often better able to manage their relationships (I have found this anyhow).
Thank you for sharing your method in handling the situation. Let me try it too ☺️🙏🏻
@Paradise Press It has made a huge difference for me. It helps me realize the micro-inappropriate behaviours that I have been discounting while in a relationship. But, it also helps me look back across relationships to see (unfortunately) that the issues are always the same: (1) I discounted or ignore minor 'red flags' (2) I didn't speak up when something seemed 'off' and (3) I didn't clearly express my own needs in a relationship.
I actually stop writing after a few days because the pattern becomes so clear, so quick ly, that I actually feel embarrassed. And this could be something that went on for years.
@@ebbyc1817 Oh, I understand. Now, you need to act on it, which is the tough part. Take courage!
Another thing I did, especially when my partner might have access to my email, was to label my email something boring such as work project or I used an email address that only I knew about.
This came at the perfect moment. I have CPTSD and I’m usually a runner…trying to bolt as soon as I sense conflict in a relationship. Thank you Fairy for your insights ❤️.
Same. Its like my story we were not a match but still kept finding ways it was me to blame when he was a major jerk and lied all the time to me. Amazing, perfect timing.
Sometimes that instinct to bolt is a good one, but we ignore it, with the wrong people.
B; ;
What if t th right man and you leave? Conflict in any relationship is a given. I had CPSD. I was mentally ill and chronically depressed for decades! The Lord Jesus healed my heart. My emotions. I'm finally at peace!
Peg needs to have her heart healed. Her childhood trauma. Sis needs to let the Lord Jesus in. He's the one who will help her. A relationship with Christ.
Shout out for the mention of Bessel van der Kolk's book "The Body Keeps Score" - such an excellent resource about trauma, PTSD and C-PTSD and the potential of healing in our lives. It's technical, but if you want to read someone who "gets it" he totally does. He did an interview with Ezra Klein in the New York Times earlier this year or last year and it's also extremely excellent.
Like Dr Pat Ogden and Dr Peter Levine, Dr Van de Kolk is in some video clips on UA-cam and various websites with some free content. eg conferences, PESI, NICABM, etc. He’s also self-identified as a survivor of stuff, so that’s also cool. Nice when experts are ‘relatable’.
The NYT makes me flinch at this point in history, but the book sounds interesting, thanks for the suggestion.
I finally read that book over Christmas after hearing so much about it. I agree, it's fantastic. Heavy reading at times, but fantastic.
Looking forward to reading too, love from 🇨🇦
Look up Gabor Maté on trauma. Amazing work.
@@echase416 Don't forget Pete Walker, Sam Vaknin, Gabor Mate, Dr. Ramini, Les Carter, Melanie Tonia Evans, Lisa Romero...
She obviously deserves better than this... Better off alone than in a unhealthy relationship....
24:41 I completely agree with the Fairy. Before knowing that what I was going through was CPTSD, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder by a licensed psychiatrist. She prescribed an antidepressant that gave me constant diarrhea for over a year. I made the psychiatrist aware of this, but she did not change my medication because she said that the "mental health benefits" were greater than the diarrhea.
I grew up with the idea that we - as patients - "need to listen to the doctor and stick to their recommendations", so I kept taking the medicine, which just basically made me numb. This decision "helped" me acquire lymphocytic colitis, and it is one of the worst decisions that I have made in my entire life. I quit the medication, and I obviously stopped consulting said psychiatrist who did not help at all, but just made my health even worse.
I know that the Fairy is not a therapist or a licensed clinician or whatever, but her work/content has done WAY MUCH MORE for me than any therapist or psychologist or psychiatrist ever has. I'm not saying that doctors or therapy are bad, there are good professionals of course, but one can definitely struggle with finding the right help or the right professional, which can also add up to an already existing list of health problems, and it is important to be aware of that.
Wow thats awful so sorry to hear that...anything that gives u diarrea is just the body trying to break down the toxicity of it...go the herbal route medications always have neg side effects
I m sorry to hear that. Thanks for sharing. This will help people to decide better
Certifications mean jack shit in the real world of common sense and experience. I'm going through this with my dog right now...ihave more wisdom in me than the vets. X
Look up Dr Robert Morse here on yt. You can heal the physical damage via detox. Good for you on stopping the meds and the doc..
That’s cus fairy is empathizing and guiding, not consulting a manual and putting you in a labeled box.
I've been binging this channel and almost every single video I'm like, "did I write this letter?" 😂 It's insane how similar we all are and seeing it from a third person's perspective the image becomes so much clearer. We become infatuated with the jerk who will never love us, and do anything we can to convince them to be with us, as if we're someone who needs to convince others to love them. We don't dare to believe we deserve someone who will actually want to get to know us and risk trusting them and being hurt all over again. We'd rather pine over disposable and unavailable partners who we don't even really want, and end up mourning losing them just as we would if it was someone worth loving. Sigh. I've set 2 goals now. 1) no more disinterested half-assed jerks 2) no more sex talk/acts too soon to "get whatever love I can". It's keeping me apart from my true relationship out there. And even if I don't believe he exists yet, I'll act like he does until he shows up and proves he does without me convincing him! 😝
It's remarkable how alike we are- one of the most healing aspects of CCF coaching groups is that shared history - with strangers!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I totally feel the same, and I'm just now breaking up with someone I love (or my trauma loves) and I'm the sidechick not getting, what I deserve... I will now learn to be happy on my own, hoping to have areal relationship...
@@marqann You're doing the right thing 100%! Proud of you! ♥️🙌
@@SomeBody-ce3gq Thankyou, it's so so hard
"I'm so mad at you, you won't be the thing I need you to be, because I can't leave"
Oooooof.
I can relate to this story. . He's an immature little boy with addictions in a man's body.
The main thing that I see here, which I definitely can understand is that this woman was putting up with so many red flags and bs right from the start, ignored her feelings and then was surprised that she was completely exhausted after 10 months. She has decent standarts which she herself completely fails to respect and she also believes pain is a normal thing in relationships. It is not.
She was dating someone grieving for his ex. In this case, that person has so much emotional baggage and trying to forget his ex with a REBOUND relationship, putting Peggy in the middle and as a victim for his grief. Some people need a long time to recover from a breakup and shouldn’t be dating and putting other people in the middle and hurting them. It’s selfish of them to do that to another human being. Don’t become the punching bag or therapist for someone who is dating but still in love with his /her ex. Not fair to anyone.
This can be a tricky issue because higher functioning partners of people with CPTSD might be triggering due to their healthier expectations and boundaries. The urge might be to feel shamed or defensive when faced by these higher expectations … and vacate the relationship for someone more dysfunctional (I.e., more like oneself). In other words, if you have active CPTSD you might be more comfortable with a (less triggering) partner who sets the bar very low for themselves, for you, and for the relationship
Agreed
Wow!!!
this happened to me,,
This
“What do you want to do?”
Go home. Bye 👋🏽
"The relationship IS insecure and you hold on tighter" ..... exactly.
Not all relationship break ups are romantic. I'm thinking of breaking up with my mum. Again.
Everyday I get a little bit closer…. I wish so much that I could
I have stopped giving her the time of day… not going to sell her this idea that there is even a little bit of potential of being in my life 😅
Sometimes I feel like it’s a total waste to actually communicate when you have no desire to speak with somebody…
I mean yes I’m coming from the generation of ghosting which is a problem in and of itself… But when it comes to dark triad sort of individuals oftentimes the drama is more addictive to the part of themselves that just likes to get a rise out of people.
It makes them feel so tall and important when you talk to them, especially to say you don’t want them in your life, not only because it’s dramatic and exciting but also because they know EXACTLY how to take those words and put them out of context so you are painted in the absolute worse light possible to other people. Next thing you know, you’ve lost not only that relationship but like five other relationships that you didn’t even think you’d be losing…
And especially in a mom daughter relationship, we’re already painted in a horrible light because who the hell dips out on the one who “sacrificed” her whatever (body/youth/time/WAP lol just kidding) for you, mothers have archetypes playing in their favor and they know this and use it against their enemies or build themselves up depending on when it suits them.
I’ve learned with time, but my god it’s taken a lot of time to get here, that it’s oftentimes better to let your actions speak louder. Deafeningly.
It’s so tempting to get sucked in. I want to cuss her out every time she pretends she’s capable of loving me, when I hear about how she parades my four year old niece virtue signaling to the world she’s just a sweet old lady I want to throw up, I want to say things that nobody dares say in public to expose her for what she is.
I’m learning to trust that those who can see the difference will find out on their own. I’m learning to trust that these people will out themselves and I don’t have to do anything to prove them wrong, that I can build myself up and focus on my own growth and healing and that is enough.
We all want a mother. It’s not wrong to want that. But accepting half love because we’re obligated by blood often doesn’t help us get any closer to believing in real love...🔥 And what this world needs is for us to raise our standards, both for ourselves and who we keep in our lives.
"I don't want no ice cream love
That's too cold for me, little girl
I don't want no ice cream love
Girl, can't you see
I want a love that's warmer
Than the summer sunshine
I want a love that's as warm as mine
Because my love is warmer
Than a chocolate fudge
Because my love is warmer
Than a chocolate fudge
And that is why
I don't want no ice cream love
It is too cold for me, girl."
Ice Cream Love, by Johnny Osborne
This is so similar to the beginning of the situationshit I allowed into my life 19 years ago. I wish this knowledge was there for me back then because this clown is still in my life & I’m trying to break free of this currently! I have healed so much over the last couple of years & realize this clown matched the energy of how my family treated me growing up. Don’t waste years of your life with clowns like this as they will gladly steal those years from you, your self esteem & any blessings that God could bring into your life!! They will also prevent your healing intentionally because they know you’ll move on once you see the truth & heal.
I like that: situationshit because that’s exactly what I’m in, that mimics what you have stated.
Omg, I’m in the same spot, he hijacked my life and house and I’m stuck, we’re married. His Son just moved in - he’s 19 and intruding in my life drastically - I don’t know how to break free.
Amen yo
the fact he’s a cop, with a cops income, and he can’t afford his own place!!? what a CLOWN. biggest red flag of all lol
I was in a similar feeling situationship. He was getting over his ex (he broke up with her but was singing a song he wrote about her whenever we hung out). He was a bad dude and always made me feel like a burden to him. I knew that at the time but I stuck around because I didn’t really care how he treated me. I treated the relationship as something to do (plus, he was nice sometimes) and also a form of self harm… but then it got too bad to be fun or tolerable and it imploded. After dating him, I decided I didn’t want a guy to treat me like that ever again.
Stay strong! 💚
That sounds absolutely terrible! Good for you for recognizing that was a horrible way to live and be treated.
@@pearlnik5 it was a few years ago and only lasted a few months, but I’m still really affected by it. At first, I was glad to go through it because it gave me the kick in the pants to create solid boundaries, but now I’m really sad that I was even at that point and did that to myself.
So, if you or someone you know is in that situation, get out of it as soon as possible.
I’m not, but my sister dated a narcissist and it was awful. I watch these videos to mostly help her. I have had my hand in some enmeshments, but the Lord has healed me of those and it has truly been an amazing journey. Thank you for your concern and advice and for sharing your story. So glad your health and situation are better.
Yep, he was a narcissist, but you don't need his breadcrumbs anymore, because you are beautiful and a lovely confident woman 👠
What’s concerning is that dude is a cop. I would not like to be pulled over by someone described like this. Remember though there are three sides to every story, mine, yours and what really happened. Regardless, amazing content, super helpful with lots of insights and learnings for me. Thank you!
Thank you for this. I am in the process of a divorce at 61 years old. From a state trooper/investigator who I went back and forth with six times! Shame on me! He had much of the same as told in this video. And when I was around him he was so negative and down and condensing that it squashed my spirit. I'm a happy, beautiful, go lucky person and he was jealous and controlling. Controlling. But I kept going back thinking that he loved me. This has empowered me and continues to. Thank you again
how long were you married to/involved with him?
61 is very young nowadays. enjoy the rest of your life. be happy :))
It will get better.. keep the faith 💐❣️😊✨⭐️
@@strawberrygirlvideos true. She is still very young. Age is just a number, if you take care of yourself. :)
Narsisist ic people can't truly love, can they? And, I've learned... Who cares about love? It takes a lot more than that. Wecanlove them from a different state, or Continent, safely.... Ha ha
If someone is pursuing an other, they’re just not that into you. She’s playing a backup role, a stand in.
Two minutes in, leave him
For me, antidepressants were *essential* in my recovery. I exhausted myself pouring my energy into working hard, socialising, eating healthy, exercising, and doing all the things that were supposed to make me better. Every moment of every day I was living with the overwhelming feeling of "I don't want to exist"/"I want to escape and avoid everything" and similar life-ending emotions. I needed to switch that off in order to even notice more subtle feelings like comfort, discomfort, hunger, peace, satisfaction, weariness. Listening to those subtle feelings gives me the ability to self-regulate better.
Hopefully my experience will help someone decide whether it's worth trying antidepressants. Everybody is different - antidepressants aren't right for everyone but when they work wow they *really* work.
I had the same experience, and no libido side effects. I got lucky. Wellbutrin was the first thing my Doc perscribed and that shit worked immediately. Felt better in days.
A breakup is very hard to deal with, specially if you still love your ex. That sorrow never leaves, thoughts assault you continuously. Life has no
meaning. But if you are young life gives you hope and lots of opportunities for the future to find the “one”. Love hurts. Your beloved never belongs to you, it’s a loan with options to renew… because the moment you love you have to deal with the vulnerability of love which is fear of loss. Whether that loss is to sickness, death or to another person. You can never secure love because there’s always that fear of loss. God help us all and guide us for our feelings are at the mercy of another person. Only God can love unconditionally! And from that love we can love others. Blessings
I literally cried cause this sounds just like the relationship that I'm in right now. It sounds just like me.....at least she was smart to have her own and leave.
When you are ready you will too! It takes time!!
I hope you got out. If the guy you are with is like the one in the video then he is a textbook “vulnerable narcissist”.
Things I love to do:
Skating
Painting
Exercising
Traveling
Im going to continue to do things that make me happy and growth within myself, be the personality that I seemed to can’t have with other people because of failed connections. I shouldn’t be questioned about how I do things or process things especially if I’m not hurting anyone.
I go work and MYOB….
Yes-!
I think the more fundamental thing is if you are debating the question "am I in doubt about whether to break up" the answer is yes. Functional people in a mutually loving relationship don't ask this question.
The best advice I have seen is to have defined healthy boundaries that you would always end a relationship over. An example is how people handle anger. When I have been under stress I have yelled at my cat (for stupid small things like knocking something over) but whenever that happens I profusely apologize seconds later and I feel horrible about it. Dumpable people don't act that way. When they lash out there is no apology or one is only offered after a lengthy negotiated settlement (requiring you to take blame also). If there is a next relationship and things were going great but three months in she lashed out at me with bizarre rage, I left and a day later she still hadn't apologized I would send a break up email. Understanding what is going on with someone isn't necessary to end the relationship if you know someone who sincerely loved you would not have acted that way.
what about if he treated me very shitty, but he apologized and he seems very regretful of what he did? what should i do? hes changed now
After a pattern of shitty behavior he hasn't changed. Maybe his side fling dumped him, maybe he knows you are easy to manipulate and he can easily get what he wants out of you at your expense, maybe he is having trouble paying his bills, maybe he thinks you will inherit money. Evil people lack the self reflection and caring for others that is required to change their character from evil to good. Rotten apples never turn into good apples.@@smileyyy755
Oh man I've had the "I'm so mad at you, because you can't be the thing I need you to be, and I CAN'T LEAVE!" grievance come up with my emotional dysregulation in past relationships. It's a big focus in my recovery right now to recognize when I'm experiencing that and then remove myself from the relationship. Like Anna said, we're not doing anyone a favor staying. Daily practice is definitely a good place to empty out all those grievances and torn up feelings of loss!
Thanks Matt!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Just ended a relationship because of this reason, I knew I had to leave because the person would have never left me themselves, he even said "I wouldn't have wanted to break up" I'm the avoidant one with ctpsd I just grew my balls and said I'm too sick for this rn
I have a mortgage and a cat together with my husband. I want him to verbalise what he wants, I want him to set boundaries, I want him to express his emotions and I want to continue having a sexual relationship but I don’t know if those are things he can be for me and I am frustrated because I feel like I can’t leave
@@vanessaseatang2941I’m in similar situation right now. Did you find any solution?
My narc mother treated me so badly that the crumbs my now ex-husband gave me felt like the crown jewels. After marriage I never even got the crumbs.....
HAHAHA did we marry the same person?😂
Ditto
Humans are fallible creatures. Never expect anyone to fulfill all your emotional needs. Only God, who is holy and pure can love with a such an unconditional love. We learn from the gospel of John: 3:16 “ For God so loved the world that He gave his inly begotten Son (Jesu) that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.” And in John 15:13 “ Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends .” (Jesus talking to his apostles and the world) The love of God is described in one Corinthians chapter 13:4-8. The beauty of love, no human being is capable of giving. That’s why we keep on longing for that love to fill the emptiness in our hearts. Blessings from
Above.
@@carmenkamberos1156 Yes, but Christians still marry, don't they.
Her red-flag-reasons-to-leave are SO obvious to those of us in healing from trauma and codependency! But good for you to point out in everyday language what is important. I follow the Carl Faber checklist for letting go:
1. He discounts you - end the relationship
2. He withdraws from you - serious red flag
3. Little white lies - no trust in you
4. Anger directed at you, not appropriate. Faber suggests the repair kit:
Once a week my husband and I faced each other in a relaxed setting, no cancelations: the
For 20 minutes I said I feel____ and all he could respond was I understand or I don't - then reversed positions - he said the I Feel items and I would respond, I understand or I don't. It worked: Love your writing guides!
thank you for this advice!!
That's fascinating for me that most of the time the subject is: Why do people with CPTSD put up with abuse/wrong partners etc.? While, apparently, a good question should be: Why do people with CPTSD leave people that truly loves/cares about them?
When they can break a circle they do not because they are so used to abuse that they choose it upon love and respect. Their (ex)partners can also be victims this way.. And no amount of love and patience can help if one doesn't want to get better.
Run in the other direction if a guy’s not at least 1 year out from a breakup with a girlfriend and 2 years for a breakup with a spouse. He’s just gonna use you whilst he plots to get his ex back.
Not always true!!
I agree hundred percent! And some people don’t ever get over a breakup. Their dating is shameful and regrettable. It’s called REBOUND relationship. They should heal and recover before going on a date again after breakup. They just torment themselves and hurt other people carelessly.
Oh wow. This is exactly how my last relationship played out. Except he moved in and I married him. Ugh. It’s so hard not to feel disappointed in myself for it. When you said the thing about him just filling the space in his life with her and then that she was actually doing the same thing instead of holding out for someone who was a better match. Wow. Gold. Imma need to sit down a minute and process that.
It’s very important to beware of when dating someone, that that person is not in grief for his or her ex- a recent breakup. They usually date carelessly just to try and forget their exs. It’s called Rebound relationship. Very damaging indeed for them and for the new date. Don’t allow yourself to be caught up in such situations hips, you become the instrument of revenge for that person. Run as fast as you can. There’s a “Rebecca” in the middle….
I just found your channel yesterday and have watched exactly 3 videos of yours, and those 3 videos gave me the clarity and strength to leave my bad relationship of a year and half. I've been in therapy since November 2021 and with her help and now these videos... I finally see what everyone one else sees which is that my relationship was toxic. I'm also an adult child of an alcoholic mother and never considered I maybe suffering from CPTSD which is causing me to stay in relationships that are not healthy. I'm now going to be asking my therapist about this and finding an Alano group to join.
Yay I'm happy you left ...xxx
This lady is so amazing,I've learned so much about myself finding her work.
Have to add, being alone is magic to me,don't be afraid to be alone 🥰
Sending love 💕 my history is pretty similar, you can do this and the way forward is helped by this channel and therapy xx
Alco mum means you suffered abandonment and neglect. You missed out as she wasn't present for you and you learned to accept just crumbs of love.
BUT now you get to Mum yourself in the nicest ways possible darling heart. Be very kind with your sweet self xo Look at family systems theory and attachment styles also.
Try ACA. Adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families.
May God bless you, strengthen and comfort you. You are more brave and stronger than you know. 🙏❤️🙏
I second the book "The Body Keeps the Score". Very important to understand how our brain wiring has even changed from the trauma.
I just read that book. It's brilliant. Stolen Focus is another great book.
He himself also needs therapy as well before he tries another relationship too .
With toxic partner i was also the best version of myself because you want earn his love...
Too, too too much misery! Unbelievable how much we put up with.
12:50‐ I call bs on *he was cheated on. I'm betting he was the cheater(x4), so the ex wouldn't take him back
Yes, many law enforcement cheat that way. Conniving behind the scenes-I’ve known many like this, including my own dad.
I agree. I would put money on him being the cheater.
Date some one you feel has met or is meeting his potential.
If he’s sending love texts to another woman, he’s just not that into you. Respect that. And respect yourself.
If others warn you that he’s cheating, believe them.
If you have a tantrum every time you’re disappointed by people, then it’s time to learn more mature coping skills.
You are capable of finding coping techniques that might work for you and attract more respectful dates.
I’m sorry for his awful life, but that’s not your problem. A grown up would learn to manage and come up from under it. There are plenty of options for learning these days, very accessible.
I think this counselor heard something in you that maybe you weren’t fully ready or allowing a more available connection or could have been in some way attracted to a person who wouldn’t or couldn’t be there for you.
Thank goodness he’s not the one for you and you’re over that. Phew!
Now, you can get ready by learning coping skills and discernment to know better next time and be able to recognize the good men from the bad boyfriends.
I hope you find somebody attentive to you, attuned to your feelings, who treats you like the love of his life. Because you deserve to be treated like the most special person in your partner’s life. The way you treated him. Even when he didn’t deserve it.
Share that care for folks who deserve it. Meanwhile, learn about leveling up, how to (Patty Stanger says) “qualify the buyer” ;)
You’ll be just the right catch for somebody who is capable and eager to reciprocate all the love you give them.
You know how I know?
You’re introspective. Here you’re willing to look at how you might have affected it negatively. And willing to learn from that to move forward. That is like a superpower ability that some people don’t have. The fact you do shows you’d be a good partner because you’re willing to learn and change and grow with somebody - for the right person, a person willing to do the same for you.
He was simply in a “ Rebound relationship “ after breaking up with his ex whom he stll loves. He is not healed or has not recovered from the breakup and is still mourning. No need to be dating in such circumstances. It’s not fair to the other person. Discernment is much needed when dating anyone. Blessings
How many people just date to have a body nearby? It's so sad when you want a real relationship.
The ONE question is, how does the relationship make me feel, right?
Bingo.
For a lot of women they stay in bad relationships because of financial reasons and because they love the person.Also include they have pets that they love and have to take care of.
Peggy fell prey to a rebound relationship. When a person is grieving because of a breakup they shouldn’t date until fully recovered . They may end up in a “rebound relationship.” This is the most dangerous thing to do because you’ll be carrying your emotional baggage, setting yourself for more torment and hurting other people as well. In this case Peggy got hurt. So the lesson is : Avoid rebound relationships and don’t start dating while still in love with your ex.
No she dated a covert narcissist. How does a lot of people not see this? He has behaved the same way in all his past relationships, that’s why they all ended the same way. He is really the one who cheated on all his ex’s. He’s not “all in” if he’s still talking to his ex, lovebombing her trying to get her back.
The lesson is to accept the fact that this cop is a covert narcissist. He is very toxic & he will never ever change. Look up what a covert narcissist is & you’ll see that this cop is exactly that. She needs to break this trauma bond she formed with him & find a therapist who understands narcissism & what she is dealing with.
You have no idea how I'm thankful for your appearance in my life I'm from tunisia and I really really love your insight please go on you are saving lives
Thank you! Welcome to the channel.
21:03 this is so true, it is a projection of anger at ourselves. Too bad it reminds me more of my parents than my ex. Their inability to prioritize my needs in the past is still something I'm struggling to let go of fully, since it informs my personality so deeply.
Still, it translated to the ex too well, and it makes more sense that I was so upset with myself for staying when really wanting to leave. I know now it was mainly because I believed to leave would make me the "bad guy" it it wasn't for a "good enough" reason.
The twisted view from childhood, that loyalty is love, and love is expected to hurt deeply is a big hurdle to get over without tripping up. Told we were asking "too much" from others and we absorbed the lies, make ourselves small so we won't get AS rejected, since rejection is part of the fabric of our being. Our needs were not too much, they just did not have enough skills or desire to meet them, and yet we believed it was our fault somehow.
Yes, so beautifully written, so true!
So correct. Wow. I feel that deep pain too and blame myself.
Absolutely!
We blame ourselves for wanting love - anger sets in because as much as we need to be loved, deep in our childhood soul, we know we don’t deserve it.
Beautiful I claim u as a friend ... I've not yet watched video as other ones fed me for a bit- love love your summary 😭& if I too experienced the same , What does it all mean??
....more videos to watch & comments to read ❣
@@jennyanderson4796 i think it means we still need to learn how to reparent ourselves "more better". Still learning myself each day, how to treat me like a little girl who needs watching after to stay safe, and permission to be happy and free when it's time to be me.
It's not easy to take care of a child, it's a learning process, and some parts of us got stunted to survive, our inner child has healing to be balanced. Once we get to safety then those parts need attention and permission to exist and grow. Whatever was stomped on by the adults when we were young.
Hope you are doing well, and still learning how to love your inner child more better ❤
Another person does not make you happy, only you have the power to do that. Of course there are relationships where you are not supported and you give more than you receive. A good partner would be someone who you are happy to see and who gives you support and wants you to do well in your life as you do for them. If you feel worse when you are with your partner and your partner does not want to work on the relationship and themselves that's a strong indicator that the relationship isn't a good one.
I was complaining about my ex who was quickly turning abusive and controlling in just 3.5 months. Yet the real question was, why am I sticking around with this cute loser? I didn't need an answer because I told myself (inner child) "I love you no matter what. You are worthy, valued, and deserve better than this." As soon as I defended and stood up for myself (inner child) and dumped my ex, God sent me the most safe; loving; supportive; secure; and uplifting partner the next week! He's everything my ex wasn't!
It's like my action told God, "Yes, I'm sure that I am loveable despite my trauma." And He said "Okay, you ARE finally ready for real love. What took you so long to realize that? I've loved you all along; I was just waiting for you to believe it too."
I relate a lot to this experience. It was hard to leave because I truly loved him, but now that I'm healed I just feel stupid I didn't leave earlier. All because of the "potential" I saw in him and all the promises that it would get better. I hope the person who wrote the letter will reap the benefits of the healing process soon and find good, uplifting love!
Thanks for another amazing video, I learn so much from this channel
Your hair is looking gorgeous!
I find it astonishing how someone has almost an identical experience in a relationship as I had.
All my sympathies go out to this poor woman.
My heart goes out to Peggy,
Just one point; being nice is different from being overly accommodating.
Also, I think you might need some more time to heal your own wounds rather than to hop along on your own one leg trying to help the other three legged person. 😞 Sorry, as wounded people we are aware how much it hurts for us so it breaks our hearts to see others with wounds. It also helps us to push our own wounds to the side and ignore the glaring issues there.
💕
Your gut knows in the end....love this video. Seems like she saw warning signs in the beginning herself but I understand self sabotage eeeeek "getting drained and losing your structure" from the person is really important from this video too...
Its easier to rebel and disappear when you have no desperation. Never be desperate for love or money or shelter or pride!!! 😮 The trick is to know if you are hiding your desperation from yourself!!!😮
I learned long ago yet it wasn't an instant insight that, the person isn't just have to be available but also have to have a room available for you in their life.
Look, he’s clearly a cop who isn’t able to compartmentalize...a huge problem if you’re going to stay in the job. He was attached to the ex because she was both a comrade and a GF-she knew the job, so he probably didn’t have to try. He wouldn’t go to therapy consistently because cops don’t. He probably wanted this new woman to save him, to be the antidote to the crap in his head, to force him into light and happy…a fantasy, I know. He was probably also primed for a rebound relationship. It’s good they aren’t together. I hope they both find a better fit in other people.
This definitely seemed like my ex patner. He went mia on his B'day with some office frined (girl). Now i write this i realized i have tolerated so much in this relation and yet i married to him. He would lack all interaction with me, no physical, emotional intimacy. There were never flowers or gifts involved or romantic gesture involved, cheated on me multiple times before and after marriage and due to this i would get so mad at him instead of walking away calmly. But i realised last winter and filed for seperation. They dont have family dynamics either
plz dont judge me, i had CPTSD, toxic parents , emotional,physical abuse and didnt know any better
Thnx Anna
Crappy childhood fairy would likely agree, that is a start! WITHOUT judgment. If you don't find "happiness" , remember "contentment is GOLD. Or you're just chasing your tail." Look up the song, chasing your tail by a band named Making Movies. And keep doing the work!
Emma no judgement. I am so PROUD of you. I was in the same exact situation with my ex fiance. no birthdays, withheld intimacy (im fine as hell and i was confused and it made me feel ugly), and the only reason why our engagement ended was because he walked away not me. So I am with you, I would've most likely married him. Now is he calling again and it is sickening. I wish I never fell in limerence with him. You walked away and you are stronger than you think. Keep moving forward.
Unfortunately, we learn the hard way. It happens to everyone. The “you” of today is not the same person of yesterday. Each relationship teaches us something new about us we didn’t know before. If only we were taught in school these things of human relations! If your partner doesn’t treat you like a princess, walk out. We demand respect and to be valued as a human being. There’s plenty of fish in the ocean, don’t let anyone mistreat or devalue you. Regain your integrity , dignity and self esteem and have hopes for a good and healthy relationship in the future. God is good and have someone great for you. Blessings.
Thank you. I met a woman who I fell in love with who has cPTSD and I had no idea what it was. I broke up with her after an alcohol rage of domestic violence where I was the victim defending myself for over two hours. I never hit her back but just defended myself but her children blamed me. She eventually sought help and I dropped her off at a Detox center where she went to an in-patient addiction center. I have since offered to forgive her and support her even so far as to stop drinking with her. Her children said she couldn't see her grandchildren if she continued to see me. I have since found out this is her second time at re-hab. Not sure what will happen but I pray to God everyday. I am heart broken.
I NEEDED this series! Thank you thank you
Scary how eye opening this channel is.
I relate so much to this woman. I can’t wait for Anna’s response
Did I write this letter??? I just had a crappy relationship like this. Thank God I summed up the courage to get out! He was so draining. Now the universe granted me what I deserve. We are taking it slow. Too soon to say but so far he's been great. Emotionally available and have been consistently nice. No sex talk/act. He's respectful. I just feel like a pearl protected by this wonderful shell.
This is amazing and gives me hope, how is everything now?
I've been there... You learn and you grow. ❤️
This was exactly my situation. Why have I spent 2 years with the man putting the rose colored glasses on over and over instead of leaving? And still 1 whole year later I daydream of him everyday, while also watching things like this that highly resonate and knowing I don’t want to be with him, yet turning around and still wanting him for some reason.
Trauma Bond. Takes a lot of work to break but possible! Good luck you got this!!!
Thank you for posting this video, this is excellent content and helpful!
I was learning in therapy that I was so much neglected in my childhood and teenage years by my own mother and half brother that I have been developing the core beliefs that I have to do everything on my own.
I am realizing now that I am not paying attention to the abandoned little, scared and sad child inside of me and tried to pretend that I can do alone and by myself. In relationships I was the strong one, the reliable one, the warm and caring one the understanding and well read one etc.
I developed a habit of giving more and surprisingly to me, to be overly trusting, trusting others too quickly. My therapist said that maybe I have some "happy go lucky" wishes behind my habit of trusting too quickly and bonding too quickly to fill the void. It struck me. Because it sounded right.
I understand now that I was subconsciously seeking a partner that is able to fill the void of the abandoned, scared child inside of me and bonded quickly without checking out if this person is even trustworthy and capable.. and when someone did something that could be a red flag, I was incredibly quick to apologize their behavior. Because I am strong and can deal with it.. 😬
It's such a struggle now at being in my 40s, to trust another relationship again. It turned out that after 10 years, I found out that our whole relationship was based on lies.
After my divorce, I attracted worse manipulative and cunning males and couldn't build a safe romantic relationship. I got hurt worse than I was hurt during my marriage.
People don't understand why I am still single but I understand that because I appear strong, (but in reality I need someone who is emotionally available and caring), I attracted the wrong males in my life. I don't send the right vibes for my needs.
I now have been diagnosed with depression and PTSD and trying to heal and change some core beliefs.
I am so scared to attract the wrong males again. Hence I am better alone.
You are so so so helpful. Thank you for making these videos. You keep exploring new aspects of relationships and it is so life saving. ♥️
Omg I was just questioning myself and I asked for clarity. This woman described my situation and I could clearly answer her. Thank you
This is so good during Retrograde👏🏾👏🏾
aaaahhhhhh I did this same thing to myself. I felt so freakin relieved when it was over, but I was also really mad about it, for wasting my time and how dare he use me like that...but it was a convenient time filler relationship that was going nowhere.
This is me sooo much. I was second guessing the break up! Thanks Peggy
7 minutes into this great video and already three ads, or the same ad thrice, a lady screeching into my ears. Just letting you know Anna in case youtube did this like onxe earlier ... I will keep watching your great wisdom anyway...
Thanks for the heads up. I went in and pulled half the add markers.
You're the best Anna!! Always soo helpful...thankyou...and looking really good by the way! Love the hair!✌
SSRIs are great to regain some semblance of balance when you are anxiety stricken in a short term situation. They can help if anxiety has been going on so long that it has induced panic attacks. Ultimately, situational anxiety and depression comes to us from not knowing how to conduct our lives. So no, meds are not well indicated specifically for CPTSD but can be a tool where needed. Better tools are learning these skills this coach is sharing from being obviously well read and having been through the childhood experiences AND having worked hard with therapy and creating her own content about the topic. I love the information you are sharing. CPTSD is an area I have generally avoided in my MH training as ACE and CPTSD are generally newer concepts. The DSM cluster B is more my bag. I respectfully enjoy your sharing and acknowledging your experience and when therapists may be useful. I'm finding the content for useful for my own healing!
My husband hid his negative behaviors really well during the first two years we dated and through the 1st year we were married. During the last two years he has admitted to becoming comfortable and has dropped much of his kindness. He is no longer hiding his anger outbursts and insecurities to the point where his two older children no longer want to spend time with us. My life now revolves around his moods and actions. We have separated and are trying to work on the relationship, we are both in therapy, but nothing is changing. He self medicates with weed, but overall I don't think it's working. I am drained, and could use some help.
This free course could help bit.ly/38JfzK1
-Cara@TeamFairy
Unfortunately, we cannot change anybody. Only turning to God for help in times of affliction and confusion can we find comfort and consolation. He sees all the injustice for He is just and will give to everyone what’s coming to them sooner or later. See Gospel of Mathew 11:28-30 where Jesus makes an invitation to all that are tired and heavy laden to give them peace etc. He’s our healer and comforter. Blessings.
Yup, the ex in their life... got duped by that one as well. If the ex is in their life in ANY way, absolutely do not pursue anything serious with them.
CCF, you are amazing!! I am so grateful for your work. It's helping me so much, and I know that it's helping so many.
You are full of kindness and truth! I just love your no bs., solution based approach towards such intricate and complex stuff.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart! xx
Thank you so much! Your approach is very valuable! 🙏🏻
The description of this man is very similar to the last man I was dating. I too lashed out twice when he was being distant to me. I am now dealing with feeling guilty about how I reacted.
Shoutout to the Fairy with the Othello refrence ..definitely two 👍👍
Great content, Anna!!
Anna I love you! I wish I could be your friend! I already know you’re a likeminded person but that comment on the antidepressants strengthened my admiration for you even more! Let’s not pill push, offer a different perspective!
I’m still confused if I (was) the toxic one or the one that put up with nonsense for too long. A piece of me takes responsibility for my disregulation and part in the destruction through that but i also wonder if it was blown out of proportion because I was sort of pushed to that limit with all the sneaking and lying and triggers I was personally dealing with that didn’t always have to do with the other person. I still wanted to make it work, I really did even after giving so much of myself just to make things functional and I know I wanted and needed more. But a piece of me still feels like there are versions of us that fit so well together that if we just got there we could make it work. But it doesn’t matter now, I suppose, it’s a matter of the other person saying they were never happy and it’s all too much. Okay then it’s time to let it go. Kinda feel like “oh well” too but I’m also dying inside and scared of letting them go. I know it’s done and I’ve already chosen to let it go but I feel a piece of me still wants to try and save it….them… I honestly hope they figure it out and is happier. I just feel awful that I played a part in traumatizing them further. Still fresh and trying to figure out what to do with that.
I’m going through the comments and my heart breaks to see so much pain in dealing with love relationships. And, one asks: why it has to be this way? Why is it so difficult to find love and understanding from another person? We’re depending in one single person to fulfill all of our needs. We must turn back to Jesus and learn from Him. “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you’ll find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Gospel of Mathew 11:28-30. Jesus is our comforter and healer in times of need and affliction, otherwise we will go insane! Blessings
I found this video so spot on & relatable. I was impressed that Peggy did have a lot of insight into the relationship & the individuals involved. She seems to be working hard on herself & making good progress!
Love your videos!
Thank you for this video ♥️
Thank you for this.
Another great video . On my journey to healing from CPTSD
Sending you encouragement! Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy