Codependency & Over-Functioning - Terri Cole
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- Опубліковано 15 чер 2024
- In this week's episode, I’m breaking down the characteristics of high-functioning codependency because from my personal and professional experience, it might be at the root of the problem.
So I’m giving you some steps you can take to have better boundaries, better self-care, and to over-function less in your relationships! To get your free downloadable guide, go here www.terricole.com/codependenc...
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and global leading expert in female empowerment. For two decades, Terri has worked with some of the world’s most well-known personalities from international pop stars to Fortune 500 CEOs. Terri has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible, and then actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change i.e. true transformation. She empowers over 250,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, Real Love Revolution and Boundary Bootcamp + her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. She is also the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free (April 2021)
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I’m a DONM and I learned over-functioning from being neglected. I always had this voice telling me I wasn’t good enough and unlovable. I didn’t really have a childhood where I could rely on other people. And I carried that into adulthood and relationships, always providing for people I love and putting myself last, only because I feared they wouldn’t love me. It’s exhausting. I’m learning to undo that.
Yep. I said goodbye to people who only had me around to dump on now I realize that if I had've had the correct boundaries to begin with they never would have "stuck" around to begin with
Wow, this video hit home in many ways. My older sister over functions and meddles in my life and in the lives of friends and then ends up resenting all of us... She is always giving me unsolicited advice and opinions about my life, my relationships, and my choices. She is constantly over giving by buying things we don't want or need, then flips it around and instigates fights if we don't praise her for being generous. It's not that I'm not thankful, but I would rather have a deeper relationship with her instead of something based on materialism. I am so tired of being verbally attacked by her. It's my own fault because I don't know how to defend myself against her tantrums. I am also emotionally co-dependent, so I always feel responsible for things I didn't do, but I'm exhausted from feeling this way. Her episodes leave me drained for days. She has zero boundaries, and I have been working really hard on creating my own set of boundaries by reading your book. Thank you.
I am letting go of over functioning and calling in the ability to function optimally. I am mastering the art of boundaries
So, I’m an co-dependent at work, so much I understand after watching this. The good thing is that I in my mind has taken a step back. Baby steps, though. The hard work is acting on this in a loving way. Thanks for this. 🇳🇴
Hi!! I've recently began learning about boundaries as a 34 year old. I am trying to learn and grow, and evolve into my best self. You are brilliant, and I'm loving your videos. I am a recovering heroin addict, 11 years clean, a husband and three perfect children.
I threw myself into recovery, and a few years ago, the roles in my family switched, and both of my parents are now addicts. My husband and I moved into my child hood home and agreed to try to save it. Shortly after, my parents moved back in, and it's been my responsibility to pay every bill and household item.
We decided to move and let them figure it out on their own, I don't want to enable and I am terribly, and there are extreme guilt trips from my parents, they supported me through prison and my dark place. Im trying so hard to learn boundaries and enforce them, but I need help! I recognize this!! Your videos are helping me apply things to my life. It's so hard. I hope it gets easier! Thank you for the work you do!!!
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All I can say is THANK YOU for what you share and teach, Terri! I am absolutely a high functioning co-dependant (& HSP) and until I found your podcast, I really had been struggling to understand this part of myself. Out of pure necessity I have been clumsily, and dysfunctionally setting boundaries without really knowing it, with people in my life. But now that I have been listening to you for a while - and also just bought and have started reading and working through your amazing book, Boundary Boss - I finally have your important boundary framework to relate these characteristics and tendencies to, and the language and insights to practice implementing better boundaries in my life a healthier, more loving way (although I have some ways to go yet on this). I am so grateful to you for giving us all this access to your process, and I am committed to working on and through all this boundary work so that I too can become a Boundary Boss. So many of the clients I attract are also high functioning co-dependant HSP's too, so I have already started sharing and recommending your podcast and book to my clients as an important tool to add to their Self Healer tool belt! Thank you again, Terri. I look forward to every episode you share.
Thanks so much, again, Terri, for your awesome video & work! (And, thanks for the personal 'shout out'). This all resonates with me and I, too, always thought that Co-dependency was defined as a person over-helping an addict. Because I have not been in this type of situation, I never thought I was a codependent person. But, alas, your videos have been eye-openers for me! I have come to the realizations that I totally have been over-functioning in other people's lives - people who are NOT addicts. And, further, it does feel like a compulsion to over-help, over-give, over-fix, over-advise, ect... Wow! What revelations I have received from you! I feel empowered now that I have some awareness, knowledge, and tools to assist me in setting boundaries, functioning healthier, and having better self-care. Thank you so much!
Guilty as charged, complete with feeling resentment towards the people I give the most to. It's easy to identify, but harder to break myself of the habit. 🤷♀️
Thank you for this. The part about control really clicked for me. The funny thing is- I realize my tendency toward control, and even more so co-dependency-but never put the two together! I call myself a recovering co-dependent/people-pleaser 😅 It’s def a process.
Absolutely! Self-awareness is the first step, and so important. You got this ❤️
Wow this is me, I've so much still to work on! Thanks so much Terri, everything you say I can relate so much and it helps me make sense of my conflicting feelings between caring, helping, resentment and overwhelm 💙
Hello my name is arlene...i just found you on you tube and wish i found you sooner. I am 56 years old and have been relunctant yto seek therepy and you are making my drcisuon to seek one a lot easier. So many of your videos are me 100/ ..im just hopping its not to late for me
And anyone reading this I have 1 little piece of advise. Dont wait ...bone of the pain you have endured may be put aside but it dosnt go away and lord knows it is horrible when it all comes out at once. Ty again for your videos
I am witnessing you with compassion, Arlene ❤️ I don't think it's ever too late to seek help!
Wonderful message Terri! I am a high functioning co-dependant and have been working on myself. Still a long way to go, but doing better, slowly. This message is very much appreciated!
OMG I am the freaking poster child of high-functioning codependency. I'm going to have to watch this video repeatedly and I thank you so much for putting it together. What I especially appreciate about your style is that you come across in a compassionate and non-judgmental way so that we can really hear the information you're sharing with us so generously. ❤
Thank you, Joyanne ❤️ There's no judgment because I was right there with you in my 20s. I feel you and see you!
Btw, I have a LOT of videos on high-functioning codependency, not just this one. And my next book is on the topic ;-)
Thank you Terri! I am so grateful for your book and for these videos! I never realized until connecting with you that I had no boundaries! I was functioning as a limitless machine, always on call whenever needed. I am hitting the reset button on my life and I am amazed at how much better I am feeling! I really appreciate the personal examples that you share along with so many insightful recommendations! There’s no stopping me now! Thank you and be well!
Thanks for your kind advices😊
All of what you said about your 20 s I did and still do though it’s not as bad as I use to do but still at times before I know it have over functioned and it took my inner child to release sadness for me to stop and see what was going on so now I need to try to be aware and grow more out of my 50 plus years of doing this over functioning codependency that you are talking about in this video and recognizing it sooner
Dang Terri, I totally related to this episode. Had to listen to it a few times so that I remember to stay on my side of the street.
Such wonderful content, Terri! Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with us!
Thank you for being here ❤️
Me to a T - except for the unsolicited advice. I've started stepping back and staying on my side of the street more but it takes practice as my first instinct is always to take on other people's stuff or to not say/do anything when they do something I dislike because my default is to be more concerned about their feelings than my own
I see you and feel you, Melissa!
Perfect timing on this. Thank you!
Hello. This episode was actually recommend to me and it came in a perfect time. Thank you a lot for your words, very thought-provoking. Inspires me to take a better look at my boundaries and set healthier ones. Also inspires me to think and observe more my own behaviour and work on things I wasn't even aware of. Thank you once again. I'm very grateful. 🙏🏻
I have what some call the saviour complex. I think unconscious guilt plays a role also in overfunctioning.
Wow this video made me feel like you were giving one on one therapy. I recently discovered that I am a codependent and from hearing this video I am the high functioning type. That example you gave of you with you hair colorist, yeap that's me. Now I would like to learn 2 things:
1. How did I become a high functioning codependent?
2. How do I change this habit or habits?
Thanks for this video!! It provides much relief.🥰
Yes that's me a high functioning codependent. Thank you. I look forward to changing that.
Thank u so much Teri. This video has helped me so much! I appreciate you and what u share on here.
I'm so glad you're here, Michelle!
Thank you Terri!
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Thank you so so much... I need to hear this now... 🌈🤗❤️
thank you so much
Thanks Terri. I resonate with this. I was the go-to person. And guys wld even get mad if was not available to help them on my day-off
Awesome. I think that a big part of codependency control issues comes from ENMESHMENT (lack of boundries). Sometimes it can be emotional boundries that are too porous. For me the big enmeshment was and to a certain extent still is property and financial boundries. Mother developed schizofrenia, when I was about 12. When I turned 18 father made me 1/2 property owner of family property and pushed onto me some managment functions of that property (so real in life responsibility in the legal aspects of the world) and I am also the keeper of mom's financial situation and of mom' living situation (condo). Father's illegal actions actually put me in danger. My brothers irresponsible behaviors (eg. not locking door when leaving mom's condo, at times when she was in hospital) put me at risk of preventable complications. Dissentangling myself from such material enmeshment took a few years of planning, decisions and actions (selling some property, pushing property back on to father 100%). Now what is left is the emotional aspects and the fatigue of the overfunctioning. One thing I noticed is that everyone in the family still up till today considers what I did for years normal and they rage at me for setting boundries (the boundries that ended the enmeshment for me).
Thank You so much because you are right about the old way of thinking of codependency. It made no sense to me.
This describes me perfectly. I am getting better, but lots of improvement is needed. Just had someone stop talking to me because I wouldn't do something he wanted. Lol. Buh-bye!!
Since I am following you, Terri, for more than 3 years now, I think I am on a good healing way but there's always a little tiny question of fear left: "can I set that boundary or am I probably a selfish person then?"
My friend/ neighbir is an overfunctioning codependent. She has worn me out with texts, calls, visits, bringing gifts of food, plants, offering to walk the dogs, mow my lawn, takectrash can to street, setvup a sprinkler system i didnt want ir ask for, etc. I have set so many boundaries that i feel like i'm trying to control HER! When i ask, "what can i do for you?" Her reply is aleawys, "You just have to be my friend." UGH! Exhausting and resentments for both of us. I broke out in shingles from anxiety, and shut it down. Would it be rude to send her this video?
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ I would maybe suggest trying to speak with her first, rather than sending the video, as the video won't get across your specific needs or thoughts.
Boundaries are not meant to control others, and I am not sure what boundaries you have tried to set, but you can say something like, "Thank you so much for offering/for thinking of me. I am so grateful for your kindness. I want to make a simple request that you stop bringing me food/plants, offering to walk my dogs or mow my lawn ... etc." If she asks why, you can simply say, "I enjoy doing these things on my own/for myself." In the case of the sprinkler system, "I want to make my own decisions about equipment for my home."
If you have set this boundary, you can say, "Hey, I made a request that you stop doing these things for me, and if you do not stop, please know I will no longer be accepting them from you." So the next time she shows up with something, you say, "No thanks." It's possible a consequence needs to be set.
If you would like to remain friends, you can suggest other things you might do together.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Yes, i have set boundaries for three years and i'm pooped! She gaslights me, and if i say, " I really will ASK you for help if I need it. ", her reply is, " What if I need YOUR help!?" We had a "chat" focused on her over giving and over doing as being a deal breaker. She acted completely unaware, and said, " If you need space, you just need to say so!" She's 68, i'm 71. She's ACOA, I've been sober for 35 years. I did ask if she's ever heard of the phrase "co dependent?". Yes, she had, but never considered it for friendships. We're not speaking now, for about a week. I feel such a relief! She's been a good friend in so many wats, but I'd rather struggle in my own than to be nibbled to death. I don't want to reach out as it took 3 years to find the off button.
can you be an over-functioner and an under-functioner at the same time, in different situations? I feel like sometimes I over-function which steals time from me and my personal endeavors, and then I under-function in my personal life to compensate for the resentment, if that makes any sense. it's sort of like, if I am so exhausted doing things for other people that when I finally have time to myself, I do nothing in protest. thoughts?
Yes, absolutely! I appreciate this reflection and I'm glad you shared this
Perhaps your TIPS on HOW-TO stop over-functioning were mixed in with everything else that was said, but I didn’t come away with a clear cut how-to list.
For example: If a friend calls with a problem and asks for help, advice, counsel, or input, what should the over-functioning person do?
🧐 One other comment, wouldn’t someone desiring “control” be the instigator of situations whereby they could obtain control? It seems that most over-functioning people have a greater desire to “help” more than control. I say this as a result of my 15 year study of “woman” as recorded in Genesis. Based on a woman’s created design (by GOD), it stands to reason that women, wives and mothers would fit the helper role quite well. After all, GOD HIMSELF did create woman to be “help suitable” (ezer kenegdo in Hebrew) for man. And surprisingly enough, that word (ezer) is the same label that GOD uses to describe HIMSELF and HIS own ability to function.
😵 I may have inadvertently answered my own question. The greatest “how-to” advice to prevent a woman from over-functioning could be to tell her to function like GOD would since she has been made in HIS image. Though GOD has ALL POWER and CONTROL, HE rarely if ever over-functions. HE does however show a great deal of love, compassion, care, and concern. He often poses questions and gently guides others in the WAY they should go without specifically telling others what they “should do” in their time of trouble.
Dear A.N. That is a very good counter perspective from a biblical view. I understand your reasoning and logic from a God perspective and going the extra mile as the bible teaches. As commendable as that is when you are lead by God! I don’t think what Terri is presenting is in conflict with a Godly concept of helping others when you can. There is a concept called enmeshment in psycho- education, when a person is not aware of the boundary of respecting other people’s autonomy., even though their intention is good , they try to either help too much or get into rescuing behaviour. Which in the long term is not beneficial for the other person to grow in their own sovereign autonomy. When this dynamics occurs with children as they grow older they will find decisions making difficult, It is like the phrase called the helicopter parent. When you cross boundaries unconsciously you become responsible for the other persons emotions and decisions and happiness, at the extreme end the relationship turns into codependency., I have seen this happen in many occasions as a Psychotherapist. It is important we get a healthy balance so we don’t over function and burn ourselves out. The bible states a false balance is an abomination and a just weight his delight. God doesn’t want us to function in extremes, we have to find the balance between doing and being so we can be grounded , I maintain spiritual and emotional resilience without being diminished in times of stress. I hope this explanation helps.
Actually you explained what I was trying to say in psychological terms very well. Thank you.
In my relationship with GOD, I have learned that HE is ALWAYS the best “helper”. He never over-functions. HE always allows me to learn from my mistakes and choices. And, HE gives me just enough guidance but never desires to control me. If I learn to help like HIM, everyone will benefit.
So, I will take all of this to heart and seek HIM when others solicit me. I will wait for HIM to direct me and confirm whether or not HE desires to help another person through me.
I think the impulse to overinvest hast to do with trying to find security and attachment with another person. I think the over investing in people’s problems or lives gives a false sense to the codependent.