Let me know your thoughts below- are you exhausted from over-giving and over-doing? What has been the cost to you and your relationships? What do you need to know to gently free yourself from these disordered behaviors? Remember to download the guide for a checklist to see where you land: www.terricole.com/the-high-price-of-codependency-guide
The price is: you end up a human/emotional shock absorber, in some cases - where you think you're calming the waters by absorbing or "managing" the chaos of others (especially narcissists). The result: you end up with cancer at some time in your life, or some other ailment. The stress of years of playing that role catches up with you. Thank you for your insights, Terri. ❤
I am a recovering high functioning codependent, have been working on this for years. I’d like to know how to NOT isolate from or Fawn over new relationships. It’s very much an either/or extreme for me. I’m either a recluse or an over-giving cheerleader- still healing for sure
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ I think boundaries may help here. Get clear on what you truly want, and don't be afraid to speak up for what you need. For example, perhaps you really like alone time, or you don't want to text back and forth all day every day. You have a right to say that! I have more examples of setting boundaries when dating here: ua-cam.com/video/9p75Svao4BY/v-deo.html It's not easy and it may still provoke guilt, but you're doing what you need to protect yourself.
100 percent agree with you, I am not very vulnerable with my friends. I am ALWAYS there for my friends, and I know they would be there for me when I need them, if I let them. I'm tired too.
I, too, was there for my family and friends and thought for sure that they would be there for me if/when I needed them. But I found out when the bottom dropped out of my life that they were not there for me. I was openly and directly vulnerable with them and asked for their help and support. Every single one of them bailed. Come to find out, they were overfunctioners with the underfunctioners in their lives, and I was the overfunctioner in theirs. When I needed legitimate support, they were nowhere to be found. This realization and abandonment was more traumatic than the actual situation that had occurred in my life. This woke me up to my own overfunctioning and to my commitment to my own healing, recovery, and self-care from now on.
Yes, but I truly don’t know how to stop. I remember as a young girl being so humiliated by my parents when I had the most basic needs that I began saying the mantra over and over “I will not have needs, I will show them, they will never humiliate me again.” I recognize it regularly because I’ve been meditating for 20 years, but trying to break the cycle feels impossible. I’m not a victim, I’m aware of what I get out of it. It’s truly an addiction.
Slowing down can help….You might try giving yourself time to pause before acting, offer advice, or over give….It is okay to have needs of your own and to make that your first priority.
Praying for you, Dez.🙏🤲🤲 I relate to your post so much. What helps for me is passing compassion to others and realizing that it’s not done in vain. Also like Terri says adjusting your boundaries to where you see fit to ensure the relationship is compatible. Praying for your sweet heart, Dez. Love, Jayla🩷💛💚
I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending love ❤️ This is a compulsion, and we wouldn't do it if we didn't get something out of it. It can be even more difficult when it goes back to protecting yourself as a child- you were essentially taught you weren't allowed to have needs. It makes sense it would be hard to have them now. Thank you for sharing this with us ❤️
"I have needs and that's ok. I surround myself with people who treat me with kindness" Mantras work a lot better if you make them positive. "I am not" will bring negativity. Get that not outta there ❤
Thank you so much Terri. So very helpful. I am in recovery from codependency and your image about being in the desert is exactly right for me. So very painful. So very exhausting. Becoming vulnerable and allowing people to be there for me has changed my life. Thank you so much.❤
I knew I came to the right channel. Oh, boy, Terri, you are talking about me, the Empath. Now I’m experiencing Compassion Fatigue and Burn Out. I’m going through physical therapy so no long walks or hiking for awhile. 😩 I gave myself a good cry today. Did I mention menopause and hormones to add to the mix?😂🙄 🥴 This video is right on target🎯. I do set Stronger boundaries and covert narc I know doesn’t like it. 🤨 It’s called self-preservation, right? Thank you, Terri, you definitely Get It. You are a Jewel💎🙏✨❣️
Oh my word!! This is me!! Thank you so much! I’m going to listen to the entire video again right now. Your videos are helping me understand myself in ways that I never thought was possible.
Terri...you are changing my life...& I can already see the spiraling out to others that it is bringing. I am forever indebted and grateful for everything you are so kind to share. Your words feel so incredibly genuine, and your truths are real and raw. I don't appreciate the puffy red eyes and stuffy nose you give me 🤣😪🫣...but a minor price to pay for finally figuring me out. May all your goodness to others circle back to you. Blessings friend.
I had a big a-ha moment this week, Terri. I realized that I didn't have just ONE co-dependent relationship. I had many! When I finally freed myself of my biggest codependent relationship (in which I constantly turned to someone for advice ) I realized I had a lot of friendships that needed needed some fine-tuning. I robbed myself of my own agency, my own independence, and like you said - the ability to be a truly vulnerable human. To me, true vulnerability means sharing my own emotions and needs without an outcome in mind. I also realized that being on the pleasing side robbed me as well. I could never allow myself to fully sit and feel the emotions that inherently come when you allow folks to come and go as they please.
This insight into HFC and ‘safety in controlling things’ is so smartly and tenderly described in this episode Terri! I’m at the beginning of what I hope I’m describing in 25 years, as ‘my person’. He’s mutually independent, high functioning, and I hope I can keep on healing to have a successful live from the heart! All with your guidance. Can’t wait for your next book ❤️
I am so happy you've found such a great relationship, Kim ❤️ I have a lot of videos about high-functioning codependency on my channel if you haven't seen them yet! They might tide you over until my book comes out.
I've begun my healing process from codependency and lack of boundaries ever since I found your channel. It's been an great awakening, I'm both excited and terrified at the same time lol. But I look forward to the light at the end of the tunnel when I'll have new habits that I don't have to constantly think about
Thank you, I know that I am co-dependent. So insecure about being loved for myself, and not be abandoned. I can surely see why I fell into this pattern but not able to find my way out of it yet.
Underfunctioners are dependent on overfunctioners, and overfunctioners are dependent on underfunctioners being dependent on them. After ten years of recovery, I now seek and participate in relationships based on mutual respect, interdependence, support, and reciprocity.
Omg ❤ so accurate 😢 Thanks for making it so clear Just such a sad realisation that everytime we doing something for others who don't recognise our efforts, we taking away from ourselves 😔
I was blown away by Terri's interview in the Conscious Life Series that just ended. My sister was as well. I listened to it four times in a row. I felt like a starving person who was just given food. I cannot believe this has been going on my entire adult life and I never realized it. I just thought I was unusually nice. My life is now drastically different, and better, and it is for everyone in my inner circle as well. My som agreed that he would rather be allowed to screw up on his journey, then to have his mom be the hero of his journey. Thank you, Terri, for offering that interview.
You are freaking amazing. Your videos changed my life. I’ve stumbled on your video not so long ago. I was in the narcissist-codependent relation. Broke up recently. Now, thanks to you, I can work with myself better, I understand what is happening better and that is starting to bear fruit! But I am aware that this will be a long, long way. It definitely helps to cut off narcissists from the space around you😅 have a good week everyone!❤
SO VERY GRATEFUL for you Terri! Thank you for making the time to share yourself with us! I can't believe how I am resonating with everything you are telling us. I keep thinking WOW!! Yes!! It's me too!!! You are such a gift to my life. You are helping me grow and to become healthy in my personality and relationships. May God continue to bless your ministry of healing! XOXO
Thanks so much Terri 🥰. A brilliant introduction for undoing my habit of over functioning. I believe this started in childhood to be the “good girl” and keep the peace for unhappy parents. I am so looking forward to your new book…you’re the bomb 😊♥️📘
Just listened to this, i dont know if you've seen my other comments but WOOOOOOOWWW. Just wow. My jaw dropped to the floor hearing you describe your life in your 20s because that is EXACTLY what i am going through right now as a 24 year old- running into the same issues you did- always feeling like i try so hard why cant people show me this too, always controlling because it keeps me safe if i know for sure because "my way works best" is founded on my own experience in which things have worked for me and i trust myself more than i trust other people. I believe this may the beginning of my journey into a character I never thought i would understand or realize there is hope out there. Terri, you really have changed my life. I recently am going through a breakup with a bpd partner and codependency and bpd partners are like gas to fire both ways. Thank you so so much for providing me the videos i needed for recognition of my independence and working toward being a better me. ❤
Yes! It’s been me. I used to tell myself the fact that I’m HF means I’m not codependent. Sigh. Not true. Please share strategies to heal this as a HF wife and mother.
I can definitely relate with most of this especially the part when they won’t take my advice 😩 it gets me so angry that ppl choose to suffer and not take the solution I’m giving
I’m not as high functioning as I would like to be. I need to find a good paying job. Somehow I let myself get caught up in working for free for family and friends for the past 3 years or so. I’d really like to be more financially independent or interdependent again. Thanks again..I keep sharing your videos for others because I know I’m not alone. ❤🙏🌟
Thank you very much. This is me in every single way. i hope to be able to fel that relieve in my life at some point...i am in my late 40ies now. I am ready and i am tired. And i am happy to be on my way
This resonates 1000% Thank you for sharing and teaching. I wouldn’t consider myself needy but self sufficient so I am guilty of hanging on to the old definition of codependency ❤
What a precious gift you are. You seem like a close girlfriend. One that is tender, and sweet, and virtuous, and accomplished in wisdom and caring. Thank you. Thank you for all you do. You have certainly changed my life.
Understanding codependency is a starting point. I had to go no contact with my narcissistic parents in 2016 because I had the radical realization they would never stop abusing me. They adopted me when I was 5 years old because my father was an abusive alcoholic. I was working in jobs where the managers were mostly narcissistic and I had to quit to get away from them. I'm disabled from my service in the military; which makes it hard for me because I can only work select types of jobs that don't make my physical disabilities worse. I had toxic leaders in the military too. When people try to tell me to not be codependent and they're in perfect health and had good parents, they're just talking down to me. I've overcome a lot of things, but for other people to preach to me about not being codependent comes off as passive aggressive behavior and cliche. It's offensive since it's an easy way out of not taking time to address my complex personal experiences. It's easy and cliche to say to someone 'Don't be codependent'.
I see, thanks for clarifying. Yes, I am talking about relationships between adults. I was a high-functioning codependent throughout my 20s and it took many, many years of therapy to begin healing. Even now, I still struggle with it. My intent in this video was to raise awareness around these behavior patterns because awareness means we can change it. It's certainly not a one-and-done thing and requires compassion towards ourselves.
Dr terricole.... thank you so much for your work tremendously powerful enable me to see the part that are broken and be able to rectify my and find myself whole again........
I recognize myself so much in what you say. I had been “fine” for so long, doing it all for others and not putting my needs on the table nor receiving what others want to give. Bit isolating when it all got to be too much. I am slowly learning the art of self love and asking and receiving.
Woohoo for learning the art of self-love and asking and receiving 🙌 You are already on your way, my friend, as that's what next week's video is about. ❤️
Hi Terri, I came across your interview with Lisa on Woman of Impact last year and it was a lightbulb 💡moment. I had to take notes because I recognised myself in so many things. It was the beggining of my journey around boundaries after my burn-out. Thank you very much for making me realise i was a high functionning codependent and people pleaser. The tips you give in your podcasts help me raise my awareness around my resentment to identify when a boundary has been crossed. I'm happy to report that I'm starting to discern my responsabilities from those of others and allow things to flow with ease. Not a BB yet but i use the 3Qs tip very often😊. Happy new year
Dalia, thank you so much for stopping by and taking the time to leave this comment ❤️ It warms my heart to know my content has helped you raise your awareness and begin to discern between what's on your side of the street and not. Way to go!! 👏👏
I actually become an actual hermit that has lost her shell 🐚. I’m at the stage of noticing the change’s in asking for help and allowing it without the need to finesse anything possibly find someone who wants to help, wow.
Thank you for being such an inspiration to us all TC. 🙏🏽Yes I have been a hyper helper. I so resonate that yes I still help perfect strangers many times a week. 😂 I LOVE that you share so transparently that you have been on this journey too, thereby validating that it’s ok for us to admit to it too. I’ve learnt and gained so much from your utubes over the past two months already. I await with curiosity to witness who AM becoming. Wiser for sure. More boundaried. ✅ Greater self compassion……etc etc 💛🧡💚
i love terri cole's work! i've listened for so long, while both in and out of relationships. this channel supports my healing, growth and learning, even as i evolve beyond old patterns. one of my soul teachers. thank you terri!
I really believe in all of what you are saying and therapists generally: and then I would y'all to talk about the high price of authenticity. I have been doing therapy for 4 years now for my highly dysfunctional childhood and am now practising all of the good stuff: expressing needs, standing up for them, boundaries, following through on conclusions - and I only have a handful of friends and go from situationship to shituationship (this was a typo but I left it because it's a good one haha!). I don't know anymore if it's me or them, because I don't meet any man who is even moderately willing to examine himself. At least, i am apparently reducing the time of finding this out from years to three months down to 7 weeks (the latest). I am confused and upset and while I KNOW I am driving the right course, it's fucking lonely. Please please someone talk about the costs of authenticity!!! and that in fact you will lose tons and tons of people, and might not make new connections for a very long time. Perhaps never.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending love 💕 What you're describing is real. For many of us, as high-functioning codependents, our relationships were built on our self-abandonment. When we stop self-abandoning, we change the dance we're doing with people. It can take them a minute to figure out the new dance, or they might stop dancing with us all together. There is a lot to grieve and mourn with change, even when we know we're on the right path. I speak to that a bit in this video: ua-cam.com/video/Okw-g4mwPk0/v-deo.html
Outstanding! Thank you Terri and thank you for sharing your story! Your personal examples help to illustrate your message. You have described me from top to bottom and I can't wait for your new book to be released! Your work has changed my life for the better and I am so grateful! Be well!
I listened to an old codependency video of you and I realised what the hell was wrong with me😩😩 but the point is I always was supposed to be ok with a working mom who left us home as 10 yr olds when we returned from school so i had learnt early on that its normal to manage. When my father developed an alcohol addiction my mother used to say she had friends who were academically successful inspite of an alcoholic situation within their family. I just felt everything was manageable and normalised. But as an adult now i had to relearn everything was wrong and my feelings were valid😥💔
You feelings were (and still are) so valid ❤️ It makes sense that you learned to manage at a young age if your mom left you home alone at 10. I'm so sorry you had that experience.
And im straight from the new video to this one lol xx Just your voice is calming to me now, I know sense is on its way and help is at hand. Thank you Terri
This episode is highly impactful ❤I realized so many things! I don’t think anyone has ever described HFC so well. Like it’s incredible to see the active role we have in the codependency cycle. I also shed a tear when you talked about feeling tired and relief. Like wow to think that someone can reciprocate what we have given in the past and to let ourselves receive! I’d love for you to talk more about that, like the root of all of this, what recovery from HFC looks like and allowing ourselves to receive. Excited for the next episodes❤️ Thank you so much for this episode❤
That is exactly what I am talking about in the next episode! It's coming out next week ❤️ So glad you enjoyed this, and I am glad to hear it resonated.
I love this and can relate so much!! And I am so thankful that my husband has been the same in my life! Going on 30 years!❤️ Thank you so much for what you do for us, Terri! Your wisdom has been so helpful for me over these past few years!❤️
So interesting to hear about high-functioning codependency and how it affects others life and well- being. I reckon that many people are high functioning codependents but being unsure if this is "how they are" as they consider themselves outgoing and sociable, or is there a reason behind this overdoing and functioning non-stop to an unsatisfactory point? It is probably very challenging and a realisation to change this behaviour if you are a codependent, and a sense of relief to have this "heaviness" lifted. 😂😂☺️ Thank you for this video Terri 💕
You're so welcome, and thank you for leaving your reflections ❤️ I've found that many of us become HFCs because we were raised and praised for many of these traits. Or we grew up in a family that prized achievement above all else and that was how we 'earned' love.
I didn't really realize I was a high functioning Co dependent. Co dependent, yes, but all these other aspects of contol. This is me, wanting to guide all my brother's and sisters in their lives. Since this is new to me, I don't know if I'll be able to change. It would mean a total transformation of the inside of my mind. Hmmmm.
You can absolutely change it. I know because I've been there, and I've guided clients through it. ❤️ Next week's video will have tips on how to make shifts!
Thank you very very very much my dear Terri!!! I love you sooo much you are great!!! This video was super useful to me. I have come to recognize that I have high-functioning codependency and it drains all my mood and energy. Please indicate where the video on "How to liberate from such behaviors" video can be found. Thank you soooo much!!! P.S. One are that I feel I am very high-functioning codependent in, is that I constantly advice my friends to see a psychiatrist because of their depression and they don't. It pisses me off that they do not listen to me cuz I want them to be happy!!! It would make me feel good too. Another is that I am always advising my sister to get into psychotherapy or counseling and she rejects, saying did it really help you (me) 😄😄😄😄. She does not listen to me and it pisses me off!!!! I want the best for her and for me, but I depend on her well-being to feel good about myself. And I know that it is sick too, thanks to you. Will check out other videos of yours on the same topic!!! ❤❤❤
I think I do too much for others. I can take a call from friend at 1 am just to help them be okay, but no one can do that for me in hard times. They get angry when I say no because I never say no, no matter what. I can run an extra mile for others but not for me, and I think I need to divert that energy to helping myself as well. I can do anything for another human being 💀 and less for myself. I feel like if we solve their problems we rob them of the experience of learning how to solve their problems. That is what my therapist told me. I also have a hard time accepting help and being vulnerable 😂.
YES- your therapist is spot on that when we do this, we are robbing people of their own sovereignty and also teaching people that we will do it all. When we finally do say no, it's like suddenly doing a different dance after many years of doing the same one. It takes a minute to catch up 💕 Thank you for sharing this with us, and I think it would be wonderful if you could divert some of this energy to yourself.
@@terri_coleNow that I recognize the signs-- God bless him, this is my hubby. I lovingly chide him sometimes, "Honey, you're not the only adult in the room."
I recently needed to go to an ophthalmologist and get an exam and have my eyes dilated. Normally, you can't drive after having my eyes dilated. I wanted to ask a friend to take me but I was afraid to ask because I didn't want to be rejected. It was ten miles down the road literally. I did mention to her that I had an appointment and didn't know what I'm was going to do. She did not offer and never asked me how I made out. I ended up getting medical transportation and it went o.k. but I really didn't want to ride with a stranger. Now...I have taken my same friend to doctors appointments and waited in the car for her. I didn't feel brave enough to just come out and say....are you available to take me? Again, I didn't want to be rejected and be hurt. What do you think I should have done?
I am witnessing you with so much compassion, Mary ❤️ A lot of us are afraid of rejection in these situations. I did a video about talking true where I share my thoughts: ua-cam.com/video/2_SZ1qjF7TY/v-deo.html But I think at some point, the pain of not being authentically known by the people in our life becomes greater than the pain of rejection and we make the ask and see what happens. It is possible your friend was busy thinking of other things and didn't offer a ride or ask how you made out, but that doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't care about you. Perhaps she's someone who doesn't like to be nosy? Additionally, if you rarely ask for help, it's possible it didn't even cross her mind to offer to help. As high-functioning codependents, we often inadvertently teach people *not* to help us. Depending on how close you are with this friend, you may tell her, "Hey, I know I haven't been comfortable asking for help in the past. I am trying to change that. Are you available to drive me...?" and see what she says. You can also tell her, "You know that eye appointment I mentioned last week? Here's how it turned out..." and again, see what she says/how responsive she is. Then you'll know where you stand with her and can make decisions from there. ❤️
I have experienced this in my current friendship . On my part but I don't do this over functioning in my other friendships so I am wondering how come this friend has triggered me so much
That's a really good Q! I invite you to ask the following to get to the bottom of it: 1. Who does this person remind you of (from your past)? 2. Where have you felt like this before? 3. How or why is this behavioral dynamic familiar to you? These are what I call the 3 Qs and they help reveal if we're experiencing a transference with someone. I go into it more in this video: ua-cam.com/video/kHArQ5sWgtw/v-deo.html
I’ve always been a giver and submissive. But I think I can see pretty clearly I am over functioning. I am NOT good at receiving things. Ugh. God help me…
hi thank you for this video. I have a question and I need help, I am a 32-year-old male in a relationship for 16 years now with a male who is 10 years older than me. We met when I was around 15 to 16 and, we live together and he controls everything I do it feels like and can be emotionally abusive. I have extreme social anxiety and I am on disability. He is against the idea of me going to therapy. I want to get out, but I don’t know if I can because financially it doesn’t look feasible because I can’t work right now with how bad the anxiety is every dayis there something I can do or someone that can help me? I would really appreciate any help at all because I feel like I am drowning 😢
Hi there NotTheVibe, may I offer an objective, outsider perspective, if that's okay with you? From what you have described ... Getting into this relationship happened v young (vulnerable) & thankfully, you've now grown & changed into a thoughtful, more resilient young man who is rightly questioning how good this relationship is for you in the present day. You wonder if something new, and a bit more independence & autonomy would work better for you. You're entitled to these thoughts & they're healthy ❤ You have indeed grown & changed over the past 2 decades, despite the challenges you face, your inner resolve for respect and greater autonomy is there ❤ so if I may suggest - firstly, taking good, good care of that inner you. Please speak kindly to yourself internally, Your biggest supporter is usually ourselves, so it's just crucial to develop a voice inside that is 100% inner support. No one outside, can ever take that inner support away once you have it, and strengthen it. On the physiological side anxiety, breathing: literally, medically works. Breathing will slow your heart rate, calm down your nervous system, and help you regain control, balance and clarity. From what you describe there is hope and possibility despite disability and other challenges to at some stage be in work, I wish you good health and strength ❤ May you gain more and more with each little step and hopefully get into work and earning your own money again as you want. With that can come many other benefits - structure, meeting new people, self reliance etc etc etc Good wishes to you brother
Having someone on your side can help. A friend or relative. Even if that means a therapist. (Without him knowing) Someone who will listen without judgement. You’ll know when the time is right. Taking a walk through the trees. Sitting on a park bench. Grabbing a coffee. It starts with being kind to yourself first. That’s where you will find the strength to take the next small step without fear. ❤
I am so sorry to hear you are struggling and am witnessing you with compassion. 💕 If you are in crisis, please reach out to a professional therapist, a friend, or a trusted member of your family. If you feel you might be in danger, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800.799.SAFE (7233). The call is free and confidential, and the crisis workers are there 24/7 to assist you. There's also an LGBTQ+ specific hotline for crisis situations and domestic abuse. This is a national hotline where you can speak to someone safe and will be queer-affirming. Call at 212-714-1141. I hope you find the resources helpful, as I am unable to offer any personalized assistance. I am sending you so much strength and courage to get through this difficult time. ❤️
The church tries to make people feel guilty when you take care of yourself with signs like JOY...Jesus, Others, Self. Not a great sign to see on a church sign if you're a codependent and truly want to be pleasing to God. Imagine the emotional pressure of that!
There is a difference between worrying and being overly invested in their outcomes to the point where you are trying to control them. I have a video about "caring or codependent?" here that breaks it down further: ua-cam.com/video/GrZ15pV9_Zk/v-deo.html
Hi Gary- I'm sorry to hear you're navigating this. ❤️ Could you provide a little more context- what do you mean by "resistant"? Is he physically abusive?
@@terri_cole Not physically abusive...maybe manipulative. I have been telling him for almost a year that I am going to sell the house and move. I'm ready to sell and live alone. I can give him lots of stuff from downsizing so that he can get started. He has a job but he always seems to be short of money and in a crisis. His finding a place to live always seems to be on the back burner. I don't want to end up in a situation in which I have sold the house and moving and he has no place to live. I guess that's the codependent part of me. He spent the first 6 years of his life in an orphanage and I'm always feeling as if I have to fix him. But now my health is suffering. Any suggestions.
Gary, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said it might be the codependent side of you. Giving him a place to stay enables his current lifestyle and decisions- he might have zero incentive to do things differently. As a parent, I empathize, especially hearing that he spent the first six years of life in an orphanage ❤️ This is such a difficult situation, but I think you need to set some boundaries and be willing to let the chips fall where they may, because they are not your chips, they are your sons. Can you sit down and have a heart-to-heart conversation with him? Let him know that you love him and want what is best for him, but that you can no longer continue to support him because it is impacting your health. It's time for him to figure out how to live his own life, and it sounds like he is fully capable of doing so. It is clear you're offering him support and help in other ways, like giving him furniture, which is great! Perhaps suggest he find some resources on saving/budgeting. If he guilts you in any way, be ready to stand firm. Know you have the right to do this. Put the house up for sale. Make it real, and see what happens. By putting off the sale, your son probably thinks it will never happen, which is why him finding a place to live is on the back burner. When you start talking to real estate agents and searching for your own house, I think you might see a change in behavior. All easier said than done, but I think you know what you need to do here and I am sending you courage and strength. ❤️
Yes. The codependent narcissist expects others to do things for them without being asked (mind reading) and will guilt trip the other person if they don't.
In this video, it's so close to me at the core!! each one of Terre's brilliant sentences is so crystal clear to me now! So again, I said thank you to the brilliant!🩷
Let me know your thoughts below- are you exhausted from over-giving and over-doing? What has been the cost to you and your relationships? What do you need to know to gently free yourself from these disordered behaviors? Remember to download the guide for a checklist to see where you land: www.terricole.com/the-high-price-of-codependency-guide
I’m exhausted and sad. 🥲 it has affected my health.
The price is: you end up a human/emotional shock absorber, in some cases - where you think you're calming the waters by absorbing or "managing" the chaos of others (especially narcissists). The result: you end up with cancer at some time in your life, or some other ailment. The stress of years of playing that role catches up with you. Thank you for your insights, Terri. ❤
Thank you for sharing that- becoming a shock absorber is a good analogy ❤️
I am a recovering high functioning codependent, have been working on this for years.
I’d like to know how to NOT isolate from or Fawn over new relationships. It’s very much an either/or extreme for me. I’m either a recluse or an over-giving cheerleader- still healing for sure
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ I think boundaries may help here. Get clear on what you truly want, and don't be afraid to speak up for what you need. For example, perhaps you really like alone time, or you don't want to text back and forth all day every day. You have a right to say that! I have more examples of setting boundaries when dating here: ua-cam.com/video/9p75Svao4BY/v-deo.html It's not easy and it may still provoke guilt, but you're doing what you need to protect yourself.
Choked up when you explained how you trust your husband. I have that at long last and it’s wonderful. We are so lucky
Indeed ❤️❤️❤️
Hopefully, I'll be next! :)
100 percent agree with you, I am not very vulnerable with my friends. I am ALWAYS there for my friends, and I know they would be there for me when I need them, if I let them. I'm tired too.
I, too, was there for my family and friends and thought for sure that they would be there for me if/when I needed them. But I found out when the bottom dropped out of my life that they were not there for me. I was openly and directly vulnerable with them and asked for their help and support. Every single one of them bailed. Come to find out, they were overfunctioners with the underfunctioners in their lives, and I was the overfunctioner in theirs. When I needed legitimate support, they were nowhere to be found. This realization and abandonment was more traumatic than the actual situation that had occurred in my life. This woke me up to my own overfunctioning and to my commitment to my own healing, recovery, and self-care from now on.
Yes, but I truly don’t know how to stop. I remember as a young girl being so humiliated by my parents when I had the most basic needs that I began saying the mantra over and over “I will not have needs, I will show them, they will never humiliate me again.” I recognize it regularly because I’ve been meditating for 20 years, but trying to break the cycle feels impossible. I’m not a victim, I’m aware of what I get out of it. It’s truly an addiction.
Slowing down can help….You might try giving yourself time to pause before acting, offer advice, or over give….It is okay to have needs of your own and to make that your first priority.
Praying for you, Dez.🙏🤲🤲 I relate to your post so much. What helps for me is passing compassion to others and realizing that it’s not done in vain. Also like Terri says adjusting your boundaries to where you see fit to ensure the relationship is compatible. Praying for your sweet heart, Dez. Love,
Jayla🩷💛💚
I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending love ❤️ This is a compulsion, and we wouldn't do it if we didn't get something out of it. It can be even more difficult when it goes back to protecting yourself as a child- you were essentially taught you weren't allowed to have needs. It makes sense it would be hard to have them now. Thank you for sharing this with us ❤️
"I have needs and that's ok. I surround myself with people who treat me with kindness"
Mantras work a lot better if you make them positive. "I am not" will bring negativity. Get that not outta there ❤
Those types never give but gladly take. They train you not to go to them with your needs.
Thank you so much Terri. So very helpful. I am in recovery from codependency and your image about being in the desert is exactly right for me. So very painful. So very exhausting. Becoming vulnerable and allowing people to be there for me has changed my life. Thank you so much.❤
I am witnessing you with so much compassion ❤ Yes to becoming vulnerable and allowing people to be there for you! Thank you for sharing ❤
I knew I came to the right channel. Oh, boy, Terri, you are talking about me, the Empath. Now I’m experiencing Compassion Fatigue and Burn Out. I’m going through physical therapy so no long walks or hiking for awhile. 😩 I gave myself a good cry today. Did I mention menopause and hormones to add to the mix?😂🙄 🥴 This video is right on target🎯. I do set Stronger boundaries and covert narc I know doesn’t like it. 🤨 It’s called self-preservation, right?
Thank you, Terri, you definitely Get It. You are a Jewel💎🙏✨❣️
I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending love 💕
Oh my word!! This is me!! Thank you so much! I’m going to listen to the entire video again right now. Your videos are helping me understand myself in ways that I never thought was possible.
This makes me so happy to hear ❤️❤️ Keep an eye out for part two next week!
@@terri_cole I will be watching!! What a gift to have found this channel!
Terri...you are changing my life...& I can already see the spiraling out to others that it is bringing. I am forever indebted and grateful for everything you are so kind to share. Your words feel so incredibly genuine, and your truths are real and raw. I don't appreciate the puffy red eyes and stuffy nose you give me 🤣😪🫣...but a minor price to pay for finally figuring me out. May all your goodness to others circle back to you. Blessings friend.
Aww, thank you so much for your kind words ❤️ I am so glad my content is helping you change your life ❤️❤️
Well said @user-qc9gt8nv8d *My sentiments exactly!! @terri_cole
I had a big a-ha moment this week, Terri. I realized that I didn't have just ONE co-dependent relationship. I had many!
When I finally freed myself of my biggest codependent relationship (in which I constantly turned to someone for advice ) I realized I had a lot of friendships that needed needed some fine-tuning.
I robbed myself of my own agency, my own independence, and like you said - the ability to be a truly vulnerable human. To me, true vulnerability means sharing my own emotions and needs without an outcome in mind.
I also realized that being on the pleasing side robbed me as well. I could never allow myself to fully sit and feel the emotions that inherently come when you allow folks to come and go as they please.
Thank you so much for sharing this, way to go!! 🙌🙌🙌
This insight into HFC and ‘safety in controlling things’ is so smartly and tenderly described in this episode Terri! I’m at the beginning of what I hope I’m describing in 25 years, as ‘my person’. He’s mutually independent, high functioning, and I hope I can keep on healing to have a successful live from the heart! All with your guidance. Can’t wait for your next book ❤️
I am so happy you've found such a great relationship, Kim ❤️ I have a lot of videos about high-functioning codependency on my channel if you haven't seen them yet! They might tide you over until my book comes out.
I've begun my healing process from codependency and lack of boundaries ever since I found your channel. It's been an great awakening, I'm both excited and terrified at the same time lol. But I look forward to the light at the end of the tunnel when I'll have new habits that I don't have to constantly think about
It can be exciting and terrifying! Glad to hear you are making that shift for yourself ❤️
Thank you, I know that I am co-dependent. So insecure about being loved for myself, and not be abandoned. I can surely see why I fell into this pattern but not able to find my way out of it yet.
Underfunctioners are dependent on overfunctioners, and overfunctioners are dependent on underfunctioners being dependent on them. After ten years of recovery, I now seek and participate in relationships based on mutual respect, interdependence, support, and reciprocity.
🙌🙌🙌
Agree with this sentiment completely! It's a dynamic.
Omg ❤ so accurate 😢
Thanks for making it so clear
Just such a sad realisation that everytime we doing something for others who don't recognise our efforts, we taking away from ourselves 😔
Thank you for watching and sharing 💕
WOW! This was truly a life changing diagnosis! Spot on! Time to learn, heal and recover. Bring on the book! Thank you so very much!❤
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I was blown away by Terri's interview in the Conscious Life Series that just ended. My sister was as well. I listened to it four times in a row. I felt like a starving person who was just given food. I cannot believe this has been going on my entire adult life and I never realized it. I just thought I was unusually nice. My life is now drastically different, and better, and it is for everyone in my inner circle as well. My som agreed that he would rather be allowed to screw up on his journey, then to have his mom be the hero of his journey. Thank you, Terri, for offering that interview.
I am so glad to hear it resonated with you ❤️❤️ Thank you for taking the time to leave such a sweet comment.
I think this video actually saved my life.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending love and strength your way ❤️
You are freaking amazing. Your videos changed my life. I’ve stumbled on your video not so long ago. I was in the narcissist-codependent relation. Broke up recently. Now, thanks to you, I can work with myself better, I understand what is happening better and that is starting to bear fruit! But I am aware that this will be a long, long way. It definitely helps to cut off narcissists from the space around you😅 have a good week everyone!❤
I am so glad to hear you were able to get away from that relationship and are now focusing on yourself ❤️ It is a long road, but you are worth it!
SO VERY GRATEFUL for you Terri! Thank you for making the time to share yourself with us! I can't believe how I am resonating with everything you are telling us. I keep thinking WOW!! Yes!! It's me too!!! You are such a gift to my life. You are helping me grow and to become healthy in my personality and relationships. May God continue to bless your ministry of healing! XOXO
I'm so glad my message resonated with you Brenda ❤️❤️ Thanks for being here.
Thanks so much Terri 🥰. A brilliant introduction for undoing my habit of over functioning. I believe this started in childhood to be the “good girl” and keep the peace for unhappy parents. I am so looking forward to your new book…you’re the bomb 😊♥️📘
You're so welcome, Paula ❤️ Being a good girl really gets ingrained in a lot of us growing up!
Just listened to this, i dont know if you've seen my other comments but WOOOOOOOWWW. Just wow. My jaw dropped to the floor hearing you describe your life in your 20s because that is EXACTLY what i am going through right now as a 24 year old- running into the same issues you did- always feeling like i try so hard why cant people show me this too, always controlling because it keeps me safe if i know for sure because "my way works best" is founded on my own experience in which things have worked for me and i trust myself more than i trust other people. I believe this may the beginning of my journey into a character I never thought i would understand or realize there is hope out there. Terri, you really have changed my life. I recently am going through a breakup with a bpd partner and codependency and bpd partners are like gas to fire both ways. Thank you so so much for providing me the videos i needed for recognition of my independence and working toward being a better me. ❤
I am so, so happy my videos are resonating with you ❤️ I love that you're seeing there's a different path for you ahead!
Yes! It’s been me. I used to tell myself the fact that I’m HF means I’m not codependent. Sigh. Not true. Please share strategies to heal this as a HF wife and mother.
Look out for next week's video! It has some strategies to help you free yourself ❤️
I can definitely relate with most of this especially the part when they won’t take my advice 😩 it gets me so angry that ppl choose to suffer and not take the solution I’m giving
I see you ❤️
I’m not as high functioning as I would like to be. I need to find a good paying job. Somehow I let myself get caught up in working for free for family and friends for the past 3 years or so. I’d really like to be more financially independent or interdependent again. Thanks again..I keep sharing your videos for others because I know I’m not alone. ❤🙏🌟
I appreciate you sharing and spreading the word 💕
Thank you very much. This is me in every single way.
i hope to be able to fel that relieve in my life at some point...i am in my late 40ies
now. I am ready and i am tired. And i am happy to be on my way
I feel you, Anna! 💕
This resonates 1000% Thank you for sharing and teaching. I wouldn’t consider myself needy but self sufficient so I am guilty of hanging on to the old definition of codependency ❤
I'm so glad it resonated with you, Brandi ❤️ I hope you'll enjoy next week's follow-up video!
What a precious gift you are. You seem like a close girlfriend. One that is tender, and sweet, and virtuous, and accomplished in wisdom and caring. Thank you. Thank you for all you do. You have certainly changed my life.
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Hi. Brand new and glad to be here.
Understanding codependency is a starting point. I had to go no contact with my narcissistic parents in 2016 because I had the radical realization they would never stop abusing me. They adopted me when I was 5 years old because my father was an abusive alcoholic. I was working in jobs where the managers were mostly narcissistic and I had to quit to get away from them. I'm disabled from my service in the military; which makes it hard for me because I can only work select types of jobs that don't make my physical disabilities worse. I had toxic leaders in the military too. When people try to tell me to not be codependent and they're in perfect health and had good parents, they're just talking down to me. I've overcome a lot of things, but for other people to preach to me about not being codependent comes off as passive aggressive behavior and cliche. It's offensive since it's an easy way out of not taking time to address my complex personal experiences. It's easy and cliche to say to someone 'Don't be codependent'.
I am witnessing you with compassion 💕
I see, thanks for clarifying. Yes, I am talking about relationships between adults. I was a high-functioning codependent throughout my 20s and it took many, many years of therapy to begin healing. Even now, I still struggle with it. My intent in this video was to raise awareness around these behavior patterns because awareness means we can change it. It's certainly not a one-and-done thing and requires compassion towards ourselves.
Dr terricole.... thank you so much for your work tremendously powerful enable me to see the part that are broken and be able to rectify my and find myself whole again........
I am so glad you found it insightful ❤️
I recognize myself so much in what you say. I had been “fine” for so long, doing it all for others and not putting my needs on the table nor receiving what others want to give. Bit isolating when it all got to be too much. I am slowly learning the art of self love and asking and receiving.
Woohoo for learning the art of self-love and asking and receiving 🙌 You are already on your way, my friend, as that's what next week's video is about. ❤️
Hi Terri, I came across your interview with Lisa on Woman of Impact last year and it was a lightbulb 💡moment. I had to take notes because I recognised myself in so many things. It was the beggining of my journey around boundaries after my burn-out.
Thank you very much for making me realise i was a high functionning codependent and people pleaser. The tips you give in your podcasts help me raise my awareness around my resentment to identify when a boundary has been crossed.
I'm happy to report that I'm starting to discern my responsabilities from those of others and allow things to flow with ease. Not a BB yet but i use the 3Qs tip very often😊. Happy new year
Dalia, thank you so much for stopping by and taking the time to leave this comment ❤️ It warms my heart to know my content has helped you raise your awareness and begin to discern between what's on your side of the street and not. Way to go!! 👏👏
I actually become an actual hermit that has lost her shell 🐚.
I’m at the stage of noticing the change’s in asking for help and allowing it without the need to finesse anything possibly find someone who wants to help, wow.
That is such a big stage (and a huge part of freeing yourself) ❤️
Thank you for being such an inspiration to us all TC. 🙏🏽Yes I have been a hyper helper. I so resonate that yes I still help perfect strangers many times a week. 😂 I LOVE that you share so transparently that you have been on this journey too, thereby validating that it’s ok for us to admit to it too. I’ve learnt and gained so much from your utubes over the past two months already. I await with curiosity to witness who AM becoming. Wiser for sure. More boundaried. ✅ Greater self compassion……etc etc 💛🧡💚
Thank you so much for sharing and being here 💕 I love your curiosity!
i love terri cole's work! i've listened for so long, while both in and out of relationships.
this channel supports my healing, growth and learning, even as i evolve beyond old patterns.
one of my soul teachers. thank you terri!
I am honored to be part of your journey 💕 Thank you so much for letting me know how my work has helped you!
@@terri_cole 💖💖💖
❤ the topic, struggling for 56 years, looking forward to new book about it!
I am looking forward to the book being out, too! But I'll definitely be talking about it more before October ❤️
Just want to say what an amazing human being you are 😊
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I really believe in all of what you are saying and therapists generally: and then I would y'all to talk about the high price of authenticity. I have been doing therapy for 4 years now for my highly dysfunctional childhood and am now practising all of the good stuff: expressing needs, standing up for them, boundaries, following through on conclusions - and I only have a handful of friends and go from situationship to shituationship (this was a typo but I left it because it's a good one haha!). I don't know anymore if it's me or them, because I don't meet any man who is even moderately willing to examine himself. At least, i am apparently reducing the time of finding this out from years to three months down to 7 weeks (the latest). I am confused and upset and while I KNOW I am driving the right course, it's fucking lonely. Please please someone talk about the costs of authenticity!!! and that in fact you will lose tons and tons of people, and might not make new connections for a very long time. Perhaps never.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending love 💕 What you're describing is real. For many of us, as high-functioning codependents, our relationships were built on our self-abandonment. When we stop self-abandoning, we change the dance we're doing with people. It can take them a minute to figure out the new dance, or they might stop dancing with us all together. There is a lot to grieve and mourn with change, even when we know we're on the right path. I speak to that a bit in this video: ua-cam.com/video/Okw-g4mwPk0/v-deo.html
Outstanding! Thank you Terri and thank you for sharing your story! Your personal examples help to illustrate your message. You have described me from top to bottom and I can't wait for your new book to be released! Your work has changed my life for the better and I am so grateful! Be well!
I so appreciate you being part of my crew here, so thank YOU ❤️❤️ I can't wait for my book to be released, either!
I listened to an old codependency video of you and I realised what the hell was wrong with me😩😩 but the point is I always was supposed to be ok with a working mom who left us home as 10 yr olds when we returned from school so i had learnt early on that its normal to manage. When my father developed an alcohol addiction my mother used to say she had friends who were academically successful inspite of an alcoholic situation within their family. I just felt everything was manageable and normalised. But as an adult now i had to relearn everything was wrong and my feelings were valid😥💔
You feelings were (and still are) so valid ❤️ It makes sense that you learned to manage at a young age if your mom left you home alone at 10. I'm so sorry you had that experience.
And im straight from the new video to this one lol xx
Just your voice is calming to me now, I know sense is on its way and help is at hand. Thank you Terri
That makes me so happy to hear, Beth ❤️❤️
This episode is highly impactful ❤I realized so many things! I don’t think anyone has ever described HFC so well.
Like it’s incredible to see the active role we have in the codependency cycle. I also shed a tear when you talked about feeling tired and relief. Like wow to think that someone can reciprocate what we have given in the past and to let ourselves receive!
I’d love for you to talk more about that, like the root of all of this, what recovery from HFC looks like and allowing ourselves to receive.
Excited for the next episodes❤️
Thank you so much for this episode❤
That is exactly what I am talking about in the next episode! It's coming out next week ❤️ So glad you enjoyed this, and I am glad to hear it resonated.
I was helpful, but not vulnerable. oh my goodness those words could come out of my mouth.
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Terri, I love your teaching on our ability to receive, as well as to give. So crucial to have that balance! Thank you!
I appreciate you for pointing that out, Marilyn ❤️ Love having you here!
Thank You 💞
I love this and can relate so much!! And I am so thankful that my husband has been the same in my life! Going on 30 years!❤️ Thank you so much for what you do for us, Terri! Your wisdom has been so helpful for me over these past few years!❤️
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Wow this was such a good video! Thank you for sharing about your marriage. I’m also healing my codependency so I can allow myself to receive ❤
I am cheering you on! 🙌🙌
So valuable! You've been "reading my mail". I am subscribed and I will be reading your book. Thanks, friend.
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Loved this episode! 💖
What a powerful video, thank you Terri!
You're so welcome!
So interesting to hear about high-functioning codependency and how it affects others life and
well- being. I reckon that many people are high functioning codependents but being unsure if this is "how they are" as they consider themselves outgoing and sociable, or is there a reason behind this overdoing and functioning non-stop to an unsatisfactory point?
It is probably very challenging and a realisation to change this behaviour if you are a codependent, and
a sense of relief to have this "heaviness" lifted.
😂😂☺️
Thank you for this video Terri 💕
You're so welcome, and thank you for leaving your reflections ❤️ I've found that many of us become HFCs because we were raised and praised for many of these traits. Or we grew up in a family that prized achievement above all else and that was how we 'earned' love.
I didn't really realize I was a high functioning Co dependent. Co dependent, yes, but all these other aspects of contol. This is me, wanting to guide all my brother's and sisters in their lives. Since this is new to me, I don't know if I'll be able to change. It would mean a total transformation of the inside of my mind. Hmmmm.
You can absolutely change it. I know because I've been there, and I've guided clients through it. ❤️ Next week's video will have tips on how to make shifts!
Thank you very very very much my dear Terri!!! I love you sooo much you are great!!! This video was super useful to me. I have come to recognize that I have high-functioning codependency and it drains all my mood and energy. Please indicate where the video on "How to liberate from such behaviors" video can be found. Thank you soooo much!!!
P.S. One are that I feel I am very high-functioning codependent in, is that I constantly advice my friends to see a psychiatrist because of their depression and they don't. It pisses me off that they do not listen to me cuz I want them to be happy!!! It would make me feel good too.
Another is that I am always advising my sister to get into psychotherapy or counseling and she rejects, saying did it really help you (me) 😄😄😄😄. She does not listen to me and it pisses me off!!!! I want the best for her and for me, but I depend on her well-being to feel good about myself. And I know that it is sick too, thanks to you.
Will check out other videos of yours on the same topic!!! ❤❤❤
I am so glad it resonated ❤️ You can find part two on liberation here: ua-cam.com/video/bPSNBn_V9vM/v-deo.html
Thank you very very very much!!! Will check it out of course 🙂🙂🙂
This is me too, thanks for your help as always!!!
You are so welcome ❤️
I think I do too much for others. I can take a call from friend at 1 am just to help them be okay, but no one can do that for me in hard times. They get angry when I say no because I never say no, no matter what. I can run an extra mile for others but not for me, and I think I need to divert that energy to helping myself as well. I can do anything for another human being 💀 and less for myself. I feel like if we solve their problems we rob them of the experience of learning how to solve their problems. That is what my therapist told me. I also have a hard time accepting help and being vulnerable 😂.
YES- your therapist is spot on that when we do this, we are robbing people of their own sovereignty and also teaching people that we will do it all. When we finally do say no, it's like suddenly doing a different dance after many years of doing the same one. It takes a minute to catch up 💕 Thank you for sharing this with us, and I think it would be wonderful if you could divert some of this energy to yourself.
Completely eye opening.. thank you! ❤
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You’re a lovely person
Why thanks!
I would love to meet a man that I can trust …. I get it and Terri I so relate to this. Thanks
I hope you do meet him 💕
Very, very helpful. Thank you 🙂
So glad it was helpful 💕
@@terri_coleNow that I recognize the signs-- God bless him, this is my hubby. I lovingly chide him sometimes, "Honey, you're not the only adult in the room."
In the video, you mentioned this being part 1. I'm not seeing part 2. Can you link it or provide the date for that video?
It's here: ua-cam.com/video/bPSNBn_V9vM/v-deo.html (FYI, we usually provide related links in the description for all newer videos!) ❤️
Thanks so much Terri ❤
You're welcome ❤️
I recently needed to go to an ophthalmologist and get an exam and have my eyes dilated. Normally, you can't drive after having my eyes dilated. I wanted to ask a friend to take me but I was afraid to ask because I didn't want to be rejected. It was ten miles down the road literally.
I did mention to her that I had an appointment and didn't know what I'm was going to do. She did not offer and never asked me how I made out. I ended up getting medical transportation and it went o.k. but I really didn't want to ride with a stranger. Now...I have taken my same friend to doctors appointments and waited in the car for her. I didn't feel brave enough to just come out and say....are you available to take me? Again, I didn't want to be rejected and be hurt. What do you think I should have done?
I am witnessing you with so much compassion, Mary ❤️ A lot of us are afraid of rejection in these situations. I did a video about talking true where I share my thoughts: ua-cam.com/video/2_SZ1qjF7TY/v-deo.html
But I think at some point, the pain of not being authentically known by the people in our life becomes greater than the pain of rejection and we make the ask and see what happens. It is possible your friend was busy thinking of other things and didn't offer a ride or ask how you made out, but that doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't care about you. Perhaps she's someone who doesn't like to be nosy? Additionally, if you rarely ask for help, it's possible it didn't even cross her mind to offer to help. As high-functioning codependents, we often inadvertently teach people *not* to help us.
Depending on how close you are with this friend, you may tell her, "Hey, I know I haven't been comfortable asking for help in the past. I am trying to change that. Are you available to drive me...?" and see what she says. You can also tell her, "You know that eye appointment I mentioned last week? Here's how it turned out..." and again, see what she says/how responsive she is. Then you'll know where you stand with her and can make decisions from there. ❤️
I have experienced this in my current friendship . On my part but I don't do this over functioning in my other friendships so I am wondering how come this friend has triggered me so much
That's a really good Q! I invite you to ask the following to get to the bottom of it:
1. Who does this person remind you of (from your past)?
2. Where have you felt like this before?
3. How or why is this behavioral dynamic familiar to you?
These are what I call the 3 Qs and they help reveal if we're experiencing a transference with someone. I go into it more in this video: ua-cam.com/video/kHArQ5sWgtw/v-deo.html
This is really good. I got something out of this thank you.
Thank you for letting me know ❤️
I’ve always been a giver and submissive. But I think I can see pretty clearly I am over functioning. I am NOT good at receiving things. Ugh. God help me…
I feel you ❤️
hi thank you for this video. I have a question and I need help, I am a 32-year-old male in a relationship for 16 years now with a male who is 10 years older than me. We met when I was around 15 to 16 and, we live together and he controls everything I do it feels like and can be emotionally abusive. I have extreme social anxiety and I am on disability. He is against the idea of me going to therapy. I want to get out, but I don’t know if I can because financially it doesn’t look feasible because I can’t work right now with how bad the anxiety is every dayis there something I can do or someone that can help me? I would really appreciate any help at all because I feel like I am drowning 😢
Hi there NotTheVibe, may I offer an objective, outsider perspective, if that's okay with you?
From what you have described ...
Getting into this relationship happened v young (vulnerable) & thankfully, you've now grown & changed into a thoughtful, more resilient young man who is rightly questioning how good this relationship is for you in the present day. You wonder if something new, and a bit more independence & autonomy would work better for you. You're entitled to these thoughts & they're healthy ❤ You have indeed grown & changed over the past 2 decades, despite the challenges you face, your inner resolve for respect and greater autonomy is there ❤ so if I may suggest - firstly, taking good, good care of that inner you. Please speak kindly to yourself internally, Your biggest supporter is usually ourselves, so it's just crucial to develop a voice inside that is 100% inner support. No one outside, can ever take that inner support away once you have it, and strengthen it.
On the physiological side anxiety, breathing: literally, medically works.
Breathing will slow your heart rate, calm down your nervous system, and help you regain control, balance and clarity. From what you describe there is hope and possibility despite disability and other challenges to at some stage be in work, I wish you good health and strength ❤
May you gain more and more with each little step and hopefully get into work and earning your own money again as you want. With that can come many other benefits - structure, meeting new people, self reliance etc etc etc
Good wishes to you brother
@@shamailaahmad211 thank you so much for this response, it was so gentle yet directed and helpful and encouraging 💕
Having someone on your side can help. A friend or relative. Even if that means a therapist. (Without him knowing) Someone who will listen without judgement. You’ll know when the time is right.
Taking a walk through the trees. Sitting on a park bench. Grabbing a coffee. It starts with being kind to yourself first. That’s where you will find the strength to take the next small step without fear. ❤
@@Sara-qe3fw is there any way we can email or something ? i am so isolated
I am so sorry to hear you are struggling and am witnessing you with compassion. 💕 If you are in crisis, please reach out to a professional therapist, a friend, or a trusted member of your family. If you feel you might be in danger, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800.799.SAFE (7233). The call is free and confidential, and the crisis workers are there 24/7 to assist you.
There's also an LGBTQ+ specific hotline for crisis situations and domestic abuse. This is a national hotline where you can speak to someone safe and will be queer-affirming. Call at 212-714-1141. I hope you find the resources helpful, as I am unable to offer any personalized assistance. I am sending you so much strength and courage to get through this difficult time. ❤️
Your video is so accurate it is astonishing....😂🎉❤😢😮😅😊
I see you ❤️
The church tries to make people feel guilty when you take care of yourself with signs like JOY...Jesus, Others, Self. Not a great sign to see on a church sign if you're a codependent and truly want to be pleasing to God. Imagine the emotional pressure of that!
There is a lot of pressure there ❤️
Thank you for creating this content.!
I am an INFJ. Is this high functioning CoDependency part of the INFJ personality trait ?
I am not well versed enough in the INFJ personality type to say.
Isn't worrying about your close ones not only expected but required in order to show caring?
There is a difference between worrying and being overly invested in their outcomes to the point where you are trying to control them. I have a video about "caring or codependent?" here that breaks it down further: ua-cam.com/video/GrZ15pV9_Zk/v-deo.html
💜💜💜
......and when you ask them for help......nope they are taking care of themselves their time etc.
How do you get a 28 yo resistant son with CPTSD out of your house so that you can heal ?
Hi Gary- I'm sorry to hear you're navigating this. ❤️ Could you provide a little more context- what do you mean by "resistant"? Is he physically abusive?
@@terri_cole Not physically abusive...maybe manipulative. I have been telling him for almost a year that I am going to sell the house and move. I'm ready to sell and live alone. I can give him lots of stuff from downsizing so that he can get started. He has a job but he always seems to be short of money and in a crisis. His finding a place to live always seems to be on the back burner. I don't want to end up in a situation in which I have sold the house and moving and he has no place to live. I guess that's the codependent part of me. He spent the first 6 years of his life in an orphanage and I'm always feeling as if I have to fix him. But now my health is suffering. Any suggestions.
Gary, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said it might be the codependent side of you. Giving him a place to stay enables his current lifestyle and decisions- he might have zero incentive to do things differently. As a parent, I empathize, especially hearing that he spent the first six years of life in an orphanage ❤️
This is such a difficult situation, but I think you need to set some boundaries and be willing to let the chips fall where they may, because they are not your chips, they are your sons. Can you sit down and have a heart-to-heart conversation with him? Let him know that you love him and want what is best for him, but that you can no longer continue to support him because it is impacting your health. It's time for him to figure out how to live his own life, and it sounds like he is fully capable of doing so. It is clear you're offering him support and help in other ways, like giving him furniture, which is great! Perhaps suggest he find some resources on saving/budgeting. If he guilts you in any way, be ready to stand firm. Know you have the right to do this. Put the house up for sale. Make it real, and see what happens. By putting off the sale, your son probably thinks it will never happen, which is why him finding a place to live is on the back burner. When you start talking to real estate agents and searching for your own house, I think you might see a change in behavior.
All easier said than done, but I think you know what you need to do here and I am sending you courage and strength. ❤️
@@terri_cole Thank you, Terri !! That is so helpful. ❤❤❤
I dunno why i was unsubscribed...???
I there such a thing as a codependent narcissist?
Yes. The codependent narcissist expects others to do things for them without being asked (mind reading) and will guilt trip the other person if they don't.
In this video, it's so close to me at the core!! each one of Terre's brilliant sentences is so crystal clear to me now!
So again, I said thank you to the brilliant!🩷
So glad this was helpful 💕
Check check check. Welcome, we are having the same decades. Management.
I see you, Sherry ❤️
🥹😌💖 this is so relevant
So glad it resonates ❤️