It seems that life with a narcissist is an endless series of set ups for their pleasure and entertainment, and life for us is an endless stream of insanity. It is intentional. It is evil. This teaching really spoke to me. Thank you.
The lies by omission are really tricky ones. You get a story missing crucial details. When caught out, they "forgot", or "you weren't listening" or "if I'd told you, then you'd get angry/say no, so you're the one at fault". Enough to drive you quite mad, really.
We see this every day now in po li ti cs. Lying by omission to change the context and narratives regardless of how many people know and can now see the truth and can fact-check and call them out in real-time with ease. Probably why YT has to sensor and delete everyone's comments that expose the lies and false naratives. They can't handle being exposed for the lying evil they are.
Narcissists play various character roles to get what they want. Some tactics are playing a victim, sweet-mean cycle, intimidation and rage. Their lies are more effective and their stories are more ‘believable’ when they pack their lies with a ‘punch’.
Yess the sweet man cycle. I'm glad there is a name to this. My brother has these moments were he is 'sweet' and more moments were he is nasty af. Which makes me never trust the nice moments
Finally words to describe the inconsistencies of fake love and underlying anger and contempt... sweet-mean cycle. Sweet when they want to play nice as it's self serving and mean when they need a scapegoat for all their frustrations if they're having a bad day.
The signs were there, I ignored them. Got married, have a nine year old son with her, and it only got worse. We are now in the imploding stage. The lies, demonizing, abuse and parental alienation I have experienced is something. We are now separated and she has our boy. I believe in truth. I maintain my faith in God.
@@justanothertuesday9664Keep that strong line of communication with your son. Get him involved in empathetic acts if possible. Cook up hot cocoa for the firefighters and first responders. Bake a turkey or take one in to a homeless shelter with all the fixings.
If I ask I get "why are you accusing me?" I state "it is a legitimate question". But he gets defensive, says I am accusing him, then he turns it around on me that I am an insecure and crazy person. So, I have learned not to question anything....It is hard.
Effective" tactics of lying by Narcs: 1. Creating false positive impressions 2. Showing curiosity about you 3. Openly stating, "I will not lie to you!" 4. Expressing disgust toward other known liars 5. Partially being true and vulnerable 6. Confessing, but with major caveat 7. Small lies to determine how far they can go with you 8. Making you feel guilty if you question them 9. Staying above psychological relevations entirely 10. Very skilled at hiding things 11. They just can't handle the truth Be aware: 》It's not a relationship 》You are just a prop!!! 》They are afraid of many things 》They are sitting on hidden rebellion 》They cannot manage a 2-way-communication 》They have lost sight of our shared humanity 》They just want an easy life 》》They miss the truth that love is built upon vulnerability!!! Dr Carter 👨🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈
Thank you Roxy 🌟 Sooooo great work, as usual. How are you doing? Hope everything well. >> Note For you and for everyone reading, the other very useful post of yours is only visible in the Latest Comments section 😑 . Team Healthy, go and look there 📝 Btw, how is it named that section in UA-cam/English?
Oh my, number 4... Yes, each and every single point is present in 2 out of 3 of my 3N. One of my Narc (the grandiose one) didn't cover all the list (anyway, nearly all the points). But, people! ... Number 4... Number 4 in my Malignant Narcissist was a highly devastating point because it met well with my need for lovingly, truly, clear, open, free and sincere relationships... in which everyone could rely on...
@@lishmahlishmah Thanks to you, Lishma!!! 🌟🌟🌟 Also for your thoughtful response on the other chat 🤗 So here is a hug back to you ☺ Well, mentally I am going quite good now with the new situation. I am beginning to enjoy it actually - for I am "conquering" the new given space, the new freedom, the new peace etc. 😊 My daughter said yesterday, "My new place does not feel like home at all!" Of course, for her it is a big step and a totally new situation and it will surely take some time to acclimate. Hmm, I do not know, how that section is called in English for I can only see it in my native language 🙃
@@lishmahlishmah # 4 I have also experienced with the Sociopath and that's a very mean one because of what you said. And he was very, very good at # 1. But in fact he was a master with all points. My mother gets 10 points with # 10, hahaha.
My covert narc husband always said liars don't deserve the truth. It took me 40 years to realize he considered me to be a liar and that cleared his conscience to lie to me all the time. I'm not a liar but he is.
I do not find many sincerely curious people--- when I post truths about true reality. People who lack this sincere curiosity will put on a ruse--- as Doctor C talks about. Lack of sincere curiousity is a huge clue. First we must do our independent research--- and ask a lot of questions. Narcissists hate questions. Real truth involves evidence. *"Truth is context-driven; deceit is agenda-driven. Those not interested in accurate evidence are not interested in truth."* cc. 2020. 👀🐡🌊
The lying is unconscionable. I don't miss that nonsense in my life. They can't keep their lies straight and think you can't either. Surprise, we listen.
They are effective liars because they understand how to weave the truth into lies. After all…EVERY GOOD LIE HAS AN ELEMENT OF TRUTH. Few understand this and do it as well as a narc.
Narcissists have terrible memories but love to throw the blame back on you even though you know the situation never happened that way, plus you recall the lie from earlier and they cannot answer you because they can't remember what it was they said earlier, so they get upset with you for trying to clarify what they were trying to say in the first place. Which was clearly yet another lie they dreamed up. They truly are pathetic!
They have an astonishing ability to simply be silent when asked a question. Any kind of question. They will, however, sneer or smirk. They will just not say anything and somehow remain unbothered. It's like they are daring you to ask further. They will only engage as far as a one-sidedness in interactions. You will have few real conversations when you examine it.
Practice makes perfect lol. The perplexing thing about a narcissist and their lies is that they use them to get "close" to you, but inevitably, it pushes people away. They keep using the same failing tactic over and over again and refuse to acknowledge that it doesn't work long term. Sad and pathetic to witness.
I just had to block my ex-husband from all contact because this narcissist has been lying to me. Worse yet, I can see through the lies and his attempts to cover them with superficial charm.
The level of effort a narc puts into shoring up their pseudo self could run all the lights in Vegas in perpetuity. Like living in an avalanche. Thank you Dr C! Hey SIR GUS! Have a peaceful weekend!
The narcissist I know is very good at lying by omission. If he is pushed into having to lie, he becomes really furious. I think he feels that he hasn't lied if it hasn't been said.
Well, not everyone of them... Especially if they are aging... When they don't remember their lie they deny the first lie and tell you another false story...
As they age they forget so it becomes ever crazier. They start reimagining the past and passing it off as truth. They'll say one thing on a Monday and the opposite on a Friday because they forget the original lie. My mother has even started letting slip deeply held grudges, one where she was heavily sedated after surgery and saying something that's a blatant lie but her mind was Haddled at the time with the drugs. It was a different person but she thought it was me and has held this grudge for 35 years and now I need surgery, is throwing it in my face. It wasn't even me!
Our used to be friend called his gf the absolute WORST name you can call a woman where her and my jaws dropped to the table and left us and my husband speechless for a full minute. He later told my husband when he called him out on it that “she knew I was only kidding.” No one is kidding when used THAT word!
Years ago we met up for a game night with a classmate and friend my brother had. His wide made a disparaging comment about him and 4 of us sat is shock and disbelief. He was very accomplished but had a mean, ruthless spouse. Months later he committed suicide. I wish we would have all called her out 😒
@@well_weathered, I'm so sorry to hear this. A friend of mine always would point out to anyone saying a cruel thing to another: "Try to be kind. If you can't be, keep it to yourself, because you don't know what that other person might be dealing with inside of them." She had experience with someone who was being bullied at work. He committed suicide, also.
@@notagain779 Thank you for sharing that. He was military and worked on disarming bombs. The military decided to downsize and he was losing his position. It was a shocking end. He had military at his funeral and he had requested to continue. They said his request was accepted but he never knew it. I don't think his career took him out though. The mind can play tricks. It was supposed to be closed casket. It was open, and I saw a closed casket. It had to dawn on me that it wasn't. I was ashamed that I stood stock still at the entrance to the room. He looked nothing like the man I knew. He had no children and was died too young.
@@notagain779 Thank you for saying that. It was an awkward look from his sister, and that is how I realized. It was just a horrible situation any way you look at it.
There is a song called ‘Liar’, by Henry Rollins. Whoever needs an illustration to awaken and accept the way a narcissist thinks, this video is colossal. It helped me so much years ago with a scary boyfriend. Henry portrayed the character so well! 🏆 Sending peace to you all 💕❤️🕊
@@francesstickel5759 It is scary. It’s alarming how I didn’t SEE the true person until watching this over and over again. We don’t think like them, so this is a great way to begin grasping the reality.
Rammstein's Lugen is another song that nails the narcissist's thinking down perfectly. It's brilliantly written and their use of autotune is surprisingly effective with this song. Highly recommend.
The hidden rebellion thing is really where it's at, the #1 problem with these people. They're constantly, incessantly passive aggressive to the point where they lose all contact with reality as the rest of us know it. What you or I may think of as the simplest life interaction, for them is a huge ego challenge, kind of like "get them before they get me." Except they're just generally surly because the world hasn't already crowned them in glory, basically. And that's your fault. But they know they can't come right out and blast you about it, which infuriates them. So every face they meet is a challenge, to find some way to trick them into accepting punishment.
Thanks again Dr. C! 1 more tactic: they're at times brutally honest, enjoying the brutal part, & saying, 'Sorry but I'm just an honest person,' which statement contains 2 lies.
Dear Dr Lez I wish I had known you ( & Gus) when I was 19 years old, because that's when I first met my Covert Narc.. That's when the lies manipulations,threats etc started & never stopped. He was always Sly Sneeky Suspicious & Secretive. He would continually back me into a corner & his interrogations would start..... 'Who, What, When,Where Why & How', he would demand. I was under his microscope, being examined every which way...if he thought he hadn't got enough information he would instantly return & continue... It was the strangest & most cruel world.. I divorced him after 26 years, but that never stopped his lies. I believe as long as he lives he will continue lying. I always said that when he meets his Maker he will even try twisting His arm behind his back. Your teachings are awakening, descriptive, spot on...they back up what I lived through. Unfortunately it was so damaging to my 3 children. Forever grateful for you wisdom Dr Lez. And just where would we be without Gus? ❤
My ex's lying is what led me to learn about narcissism. I started out by googling pathological lying, and some of those articles mentioned narcissism. He was, and I'm sure still is, a very good liar.
@@caroleminke6116 not so much as a willful enabling, but telling stories of my accomplishments and finding out later they are telling the same story in the first person, to appear credible.
They also sometimes say the truth (about someone else)... And they choose to say it in the worst moment of all. Then, they say, "I'm only saying the Truth" .
Exactly. Said to a T. SOUNDS exactly what I'm told on a daily basis. I'm a terrible horrible person everyone see through me ,everything is my fault. I'm crazy, nobody could put up with me. That's why the neighbors don't like me, that's why everybody hates me. It's never ending litany of your a terrible person that's why I can't live with you and u have to put us in debt to pay for two houses. 😊😮
The overwhelming need to be normal, or rather be my authentic self during my lifelong experience with parental narcissistic abuse took me on a course in my life I would never regret! The lack of warmth and normalcy in my family of origin hunts me even today. I’m sad and angry but at least I found a way to get away from them. It’s better to sleep under a bridge or on a cold floor for months rather than endure one more second of narcissistic abuse! I’m in my mid 50’s now and cherish all videos from Dr Carter and others because without them I’d still feel it was all my fault! So I’m forever grateful! Thank you!
My narcissistic brother has been after me for decades to participate in a conversation using something called a talking stick. Whoever has the talking stick gets to talk while the rest remain silent. Can you imagine a narcissist with a talking stick? I never fell for that one.
If you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist, you’ve been lied to on a regular basis. Healthy relationships require trust, honesty and open communication, none of which is present in a relationship with a narcissist, so these are not relationships but transactions which might be better called narcissistically abusive exploitationships. Thank you for your help and support dr Carter. God bless you❤
It's tough when you were born to and raised by a narc, then marry one because you thought they were different. I'm alone now and will never know the pleasure of a healthy relationship.
This talk is so descriptive of my experience with my ex for 30 years, yet so subtle, as he grew up in a ministry environment so it was always tempered with more Christ-like kindness, for which I'm grateful. In the end, though, his personal choices necessarily eased me out., and very few in our life together were either caring or discerning enough to realize why I had to leave. Only my relationship with God through His Word / Bible and Jesus - as I lean on them to be True - has helped me retain my sanity, learn and grow and HOPE FOR THE FUTURE TO BE worth all of the losses. Much respect and gratefulness for you, Dr. C &; >
My narc sister has both blatantly lied to me and also told lies of omission. I really believe she doesn't think lying by omission is really lying. She tells me enough to lead me in the wrong direction by leaving out the main points. But then she will turn around and say she didn't LIE as if it is my fault that I believed what she told me was the entire story. I honestly feel that she doesn't believe I am WORTH telling the truth to......
Unfortunately, I have the same sister. Totally sad about it. Shes very passive aggressive says one thing to not make waves and does another. Wherever way the wind vlows
When a man lies, he murders some part of the world. These are the pale deaths which men miscall their lives. (Poet Paul Gerhardt) All this I cannot bear to witness any longer. Cannot the Kingdom of Salvation take me home? (Burton). Cliff Burton, Metallica - To Live is to Die, in memoriam to Cliff
Thank you for sharing so much of your time, knowledge, wisdom and empathy. Your videos are excellent! I am so very grateful for everything I have learned from you.🙏💜🦋
I always suspected there was lying going on, especially if it meant I would be ahead in something. Always wanted to look successful and I would never achieve what she had.
Dear Dr. Carter. I think (from experience) that lie-based manipulation can be seen in people with some degree of borderline behavior too. Which is why, I suppose, some researchers came to see people with borderline as "failed, incomplete narcissists".
Thank you for your videos, Dr. Carter. They helped me a great deal after my husband died in 2017. i became chopped liver to a lot of people. I felt like you believed in me.
This was so helpful. Thank you. When I heard on multiple occasions “You can trust me. I won’t be dishonest with you” after I knew what he was (CN) and what he had already lied about, I just replied “you know people who are actually honest don’t have to declare that over and over. Your actions have spoken louder than your words”.
You know, I had asked my spouse never to play with my emotions. He said if he stopped loving me he would tell me. Years later when I asked he laughed and said he would always love me. It's not very clear, is it?
My elderly mother has spent a lifetime using me and other family members as her prop. She continues to just use me for filling her dance card for activities. It never gets deeper than that.
I look at my sister and realise that after a lifetime of scheming, lying and calculating she is actually very lonely now that her life has almost come to an end. She could have had a good friend in me if she had treated me properly. But she made the choice to maltreat me because she saw me as a threat to her golden child status.
My covert narc parent is a super liar. My narc parent would tell us how much they hated lying!!! But meanwhile the narc lied about so much stuff and had us fooled for a long time. 🥴🥴 The narc loved to manipulate and control us too. The narc has smear campaigned my other parent (isn't a narc) to people that they are manipulative and other lies too. The narc has a lot of credibility with people, and my narc parent is so charming with people and therefore wins them over to their side. My narc parent has also done a super smear campaign about me. The narc's mother(my grandmother) was super manipulative, controlling and charming as well! My grandmother loved to intimidate me and others too!
Second watch of Dr Hassan cult specialist on The Weekend Show. Plan to sign up for Dr C s webinar soon. This stuff scares me.😱 Narcs lie so much they convince themselves. The inability to reflect and accept difference amazes me.
Thanks to your videos, I saw through the lies of a new boss almost immediately. Within 3 days, I knew exactly what I was hearing and seeing. These checklists are so helpful. I am releasing my life by walking away earlier. I can get on with living my dreams rather than being a tool for the narcissist to be supported in theirs. I WILL NOT waste any more of my life. Thanks, Dr C. Hugs to Gus xx
Some of them become less effective liars with time as they are so sucked into their warped sense of reality they start to forget the world building they have fabricated around their BS. This is especially noticeable in more elderly narcissists where their memories can no longer keep up with their BS. I knew one narcissist who came up with at least 3 different fabrications of the same event but did not remember they have already lied before to me. NEVER point this out to the narcissist as it will trigger temper tantrums.
Love is a power, God tells us he is love and he gives it to us so we can have it for ourselves and give it to each other and there is power in words too, He also says He is the Word. You have been given your power, do not forget that. Love and blessings ❤️ 🙏
Thanks so much for these videos. It helps me have clarity on dealing with two difficult individuals. I've questioned my own reactions to these people (who happen to think they're friends....lord help us all when they start on each other).
Narcissists enjoy seeing how many lies other people will believe. If you love and trust someone, their opportunities to enjoy their deceit are infinite. My narcissist ex even dropped in hints that he is a liar. He told me when we were first married that he really enjoyed reading a novel about two professional liars and wished he could lie as well as that. After he left me, and I'd discovered all his lies, he even had the cheek to lecture/gaslight me saying that I don't understand what a lie really is because there was always a grain of truth in everything he said!
Non verbal communication and eye movements can indicate deception. The same is true of prior inconsistent statements and narcissistic individuals are consistently inconsistent Patrick Sicard PsyD
Oh my...you've dissected their deceitful and lying language, actions and behaviour in such virtuous detail. Amazing! If it hadn't dawned on me in the finale of our relationship that he ( the narcissist) is acting in a way which seemed like a pattern, a cliche, I might never have found out about the Team Healthy
I deal with this daily with multiple individuals that I work with and it is so maddening! I can't tell you how many time the pots call the kettles black. I try to stay out of it as much as possible. I do my best to live out of my integrity and be genuine. I was away from the situation for a few months and honestly did not miss it.
My brother (the epitome of narcissism) recently played the "...perception is more true than truth..." card. After falsely accusing me (for the umpteenth time) If I defend myself, he says something like "... everyone knows you're argumentative..."
I'm glad to know the truth, to have seen the face of deception, and to know that there is nothing to go back to. The learning just never stops, but at least I don't have to feel bad about being cautious with certain individuals.
I so much appreciate your point about love being built upon vulnerability, because we end up sometimes feeling very foolish for making ourselves vulnerable to them.
Thank you Doctor C. I have watched many hours of your videos and continue to learn nuance and patterns of behavior even now as I continue to try and understand my own relationship. Thank you so much for all of this supportive and enlightening content it has made some of the darkest and loneliest days of my life feel a bit more hopeful. Again you have my gratitude for all the wisdom you’ve shared. Incorporating this knowledge into my life has helped more than I could put into words. Best always.
This is a very interesting topic because the lack of empathy, theoretically, ... should hinder the ability to become such perfect liars... 🤔 Hence, I guess, they become so effective because of our healthy behaviour... (paradoxically, as usual). Most probably it's our provision of information about ourselves
Thank you for another informative video. I feel that a very big difference with narcissists and handling them comes from their relationship with you. One who comes into your sphere of acquaintance suddenly, like a sister's boyfriend, is one thing; while a much younger brother towards whom you have already a love/care feeling is quite another. The sister's boyfriend can be skillfully avoided, but the brother, whose difficult narcissistic characteristics didn't show up until his thirties, and with whom you have spent countless pleasant hours over the years, is a much more difficult problem, and a sad one.
He has threatened to unalive me. He has strangled me at least 50 times till I was unconscious. I am healing very slowly, but he has damaged my vocal chords.
Or their lies will follow this plan: first-“No. I didn’t do that.” Second-“Okay, yeah I did that but it’s no big deal. Everyone does it.” And then finally-“Yeah I did that and it’s not a good thing to do but it’s YOUR fault I did it.”
To any victims of a Narcissist please get help don’t bury it. I’m 62 & it’s hit me now to the point i can’t ignore it anymore. It is my mother who tells everyone I’m looking for sympathy “oh poor you” It’s as evil as it get go no contact asap & get help
My husband narc. Would say,all you have to do is lie big,and people believe you! Or he would say to people I never lie. He didn't start saying these things,till after marriage.
Used your link to sign up for betterhelp after a year+ of watching your numerous informative spot-on videos. Hope this encourages others to do so as well. You deserve the compensation. I even own one of your mugs. My adult daughters occasionally asks me: who is that man on your tea cup mom? I smile and say An Unknown Friend.
OMG... I long figured out he is a liar, but i feel so dumb for a huge detail that only dawned on me RIGHT now after 2 freakin' decades of ALL of those behaviors dominating my marriage (feels more like a 'regime', but, okay, 'marriage'). when i hear him constantly talking to himself while he shaves, is he PRACTICING his lies???? for goodness sakes, he repeats things several times sometimes!!! I just go about my business and dismiss it as self-pep talks or something. My god, he practices his lies.😮
My ex would write down little conversations he intended to have with women he cheated with. They were like scripts, and he'd reuse them on his next victim. To me it was so weird and upsetting. I'd find them on sticky notes, note pads, etc. I don't think he cared if I'd seen them.
Thank you sir, I want that peace too.. One of your video's a month ago was the one that left me pausing it many times just having my mouth wide open as I began to realize what had been happening to me over this 4 year marriage that divorce will be final at end of this month situation. So, thank you again I had no idea what was going on, and I have had 15 months of therapy 20 years ago involving codependency. My eyes are open now and each day without her is helping me find that peace as a Christian as well. I had all the red flags going off and I ignored them because she was so charming and claimed to be a Christian too. Thanks again for your video's sir.
It seems that life with a narcissist is an endless series of set ups for their pleasure and entertainment, and life for us is an endless stream of insanity. It is intentional. It is evil. This teaching really spoke to me. Thank you.
Set ups...😢
I hope you got out of it and went no contact.
Yes its difficult when you realize it was all a dillusion of a disturbed person..
👍
@@know973It's a painful lesson alright... Tho knowledge is power 😊
Narcissists improve their lying by practice, practice and more practice. If their lips are flapping they're lying.
You've got it. So, so true.
And when you talk over the bullshit, they get even angrier.
ONE HUNDRED PERCENT CORRECT 🥰
You nailed it 😀
@@cynthiawhite1122 lmao❗ True
The lies by omission are really tricky ones. You get a story missing crucial details. When caught out, they "forgot", or "you weren't listening" or "if I'd told you, then you'd get angry/say no, so you're the one at fault". Enough to drive you quite mad, really.
We see this every day now in po li ti cs. Lying by omission to change the context and narratives regardless of how many people know and can now see the truth and can fact-check and call them out in real-time with ease.
Probably why YT has to sensor and delete everyone's comments that expose the lies and false naratives. They can't handle being exposed for the lying evil they are.
O yes! and when there are others involved, be sure that YOU are beeiig difficult! Double succes for N.
I see my original comment got deleted by YT.
Guessing I must have hit a nerve with the truth again.
They believe their own bs that’s what makes them seem convincing but when you know them, you know it’s lies
I see b.s. coming!
Lied to & lied on... repeatedly.
Narcissists play various character roles to get what they want. Some tactics are playing a victim, sweet-mean cycle, intimidation and rage. Their lies are more effective and their stories are more ‘believable’ when they pack their lies with a ‘punch’.
Yess the sweet man cycle. I'm glad there is a name to this. My brother has these moments were he is 'sweet' and more moments were he is nasty af. Which makes me never trust the nice moments
Finally words to describe the inconsistencies of fake love and underlying anger and contempt... sweet-mean cycle. Sweet when they want to play nice as it's self serving and mean when they need a scapegoat for all their frustrations if they're having a bad day.
My NM tells me I’m absurd acting like a victim… I am a victim working on myself finally
Nailed it! 👍
@@cheflynne1359 I hear you and I’m right there with you on that. Healing can now begin 🎉❤️💕🕊
The signs were there, I ignored them.
Got married, have a nine year old son with her, and it only got worse.
We are now in the imploding stage.
The lies, demonizing, abuse and parental alienation I have experienced is something.
We are now separated and she has our boy.
I believe in truth.
I maintain my faith in God.
@ellisbell614 I would like that. Thank you!
@@justanothertuesday9664Keep that strong line of communication with your son.
Get him involved in empathetic acts if possible. Cook up hot cocoa for the firefighters and first responders. Bake a turkey or take one in to a homeless shelter with all the fixings.
@ellisbell614 I don't know what you mean. I wasn't judging the father and if mom has him he may need as much help as he can get.
@ellisbell614 That could be a long, hard battle. He needs to start where he can. You don't have to agree.
@ellisbell614 I'm speaking of things I did with my children. Does that mean I was judging myself?
Sir Winston Churchill wisely said, “I no longer listen to what people say, I just watch what they do. Behavior never lies.”
I think my ex.narc lied the most through omission. You never knew what was going on, and you sure couldn't ask.
If I ask I get "why are you accusing me?" I state "it is a legitimate question". But he gets defensive, says I am accusing him, then he turns it around on me that I am an insecure and crazy person. So, I have learned not to question anything....It is hard.
@@christiebell6667I had that one 😂
They can't be wrong so will lie like a child.
Effective" tactics of lying by Narcs:
1. Creating false positive
impressions
2. Showing curiosity about you
3. Openly stating, "I will not lie to you!"
4. Expressing disgust toward other known liars
5. Partially being true and vulnerable
6. Confessing, but with major caveat
7. Small lies to determine how far they can go with you
8. Making you feel guilty if you question them
9. Staying above psychological relevations entirely
10. Very skilled at hiding things
11. They just can't handle the truth
Be aware:
》It's not a relationship
》You are just a prop!!!
》They are afraid of many things
》They are sitting on hidden rebellion
》They cannot manage a 2-way-communication
》They have lost sight of our shared humanity
》They just want an easy life
》》They miss the truth that love is built upon vulnerability!!!
Dr Carter 👨🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈
Thank you Roxy 🌟
Sooooo great work, as usual.
How are you doing? Hope everything well.
>> Note
For you and for everyone reading,
the other very useful post of yours is only visible in the Latest Comments section 😑 .
Team Healthy, go and look there 📝
Btw, how is it named that section in UA-cam/English?
Oh my, number 4...
Yes, each and every single point is present in 2 out of 3 of my 3N. One of my Narc (the grandiose one) didn't cover all the list (anyway, nearly all the points).
But, people! ... Number 4... Number 4 in my Malignant Narcissist was a highly devastating point because it met well with my need for lovingly, truly, clear, open, free and sincere relationships... in which everyone could rely on...
@@lishmahlishmah Thanks to you, Lishma!!! 🌟🌟🌟
Also for your thoughtful response on the other chat 🤗 So here is a hug back to you ☺
Well, mentally I am going quite good now with the new situation. I am beginning to enjoy it actually - for I am "conquering" the new given space, the new freedom, the new peace etc. 😊
My daughter said yesterday, "My new place does not feel like home at all!" Of course, for her it is a big step and a totally new situation and it will surely take some time to acclimate.
Hmm, I do not know, how that section is called in English for I can only see it in my native language 🙃
Thanks, Roxy!!!
@@lishmahlishmah # 4 I have also experienced with the Sociopath and that's a very mean one because of what you said. And he was very, very good at # 1. But in fact he was a master with all points.
My mother gets 10 points with # 10, hahaha.
The truth hurts and narcissists can't stand any amount of pain.
My covert narc husband always said liars don't deserve the truth. It took me 40 years to realize he considered me to be a liar and that cleared his conscience to lie to me all the time. I'm not a liar but he is.
The key to effective lying: Believe what you say, say what you believe.
It must be a repeated narrative in their head.
🎯 They practice this for years and master it.
Another thing they do is: "Depends on what the meaning of is, is."
You don't believe people like this exist until you have experienced them!!!! They believe their own lies.. They live them.. The perfect politicians!!!
I do not find many sincerely curious people--- when I post truths about true reality.
People who lack this sincere curiosity will put on a ruse--- as Doctor C talks about.
Lack of sincere curiousity is a huge clue. First we must do our independent research--- and ask a lot of questions.
Narcissists hate questions. Real truth involves evidence.
*"Truth is context-driven; deceit is agenda-driven. Those not interested in accurate evidence are not interested in truth."*
cc. 2020. 👀🐡🌊
The lying is unconscionable. I don't miss that nonsense in my life. They can't keep their lies straight and think you can't either. Surprise, we listen.
My guess is they practice pretty much constantly, and when they get caught, they adjust. Isn't that a sad way to live?!
They are effective liars because they understand how to weave the truth into lies. After all…EVERY GOOD LIE HAS AN ELEMENT OF TRUTH. Few understand this and do it as well as a narc.
Just like the devil himself
🎯 Exactly. This makes for PLAUSIBLE DENIABILITY.
Never let the truth get in the way of a good story. That’s what I always said about the N in my family.
Absolutely every lie has an element of truth which is why it is believable.
@Rabswood296
So says Eve!
It's the living in an alternate reality to the point they believe themselves.
That’s narcissism
They don't believe the truth.
Narcissists have terrible memories but love to throw the blame back on you even though you know the situation never happened that way, plus you recall the lie from earlier and they cannot answer you because they can't remember what it was they said earlier, so they get upset with you for trying to clarify what they were trying to say in the first place. Which was clearly yet another lie they dreamed up. They truly are pathetic!
Spouse of 44 years told me you can't con a con and he tells me things I want to hear.
They have an astonishing ability to simply be silent when asked a question. Any kind of question. They will, however, sneer or smirk. They will just not say anything and somehow remain unbothered. It's like they are daring you to ask further. They will only engage as far as a one-sidedness in interactions. You will have few real conversations when you examine it.
Oh yes, the silences are maddening! They leave you swinging in the wind. Nothing ever gets accomplished
Practice makes perfect lol. The perplexing thing about a narcissist and their lies is that they use them to get "close" to you, but inevitably, it pushes people away. They keep using the same failing tactic over and over again and refuse to acknowledge that it doesn't work long term. Sad and pathetic to witness.
The degree of Pathological lying by a narc is unimaginable!
Work toward Radical Acceptance. This will assist in Self-care healing!!!
They are very deceptive.
I just had to block my ex-husband from all contact because this narcissist has been lying to me. Worse yet, I can see through the lies and his attempts to cover them with superficial charm.
By making others around them silenced to the truth. Once you value truth you are out! Then you must be doubted by all, proved to be wrong.
The level of effort a narc puts into shoring up their pseudo self could run all the lights in Vegas in perpetuity. Like living in an avalanche. Thank you Dr C! Hey SIR GUS! Have a peaceful weekend!
The narcissist I know is very good at lying by omission. If he is pushed into having to lie, he becomes really furious. I think he feels that he hasn't lied if it hasn't been said.
They started with their mothers as golden children & that’s still the main motivator behind the impulse to lie in order to conceal shame & avoid blame
Or father perhaps?
Is that science or your opinion?
Yeah, cause men are NEVER narcissists, it HAS to be the mother, even though NPD is more prevalent in men. 🙄
They often were quite the opposite of a golden child. They alseays had to fight for attendance, being heard and cared for emotionally.
@@Lemana28021989 I think there is a range of circumstances and genetics.
What is fascinating they remember all their deceiving bull....
Well, not everyone of them... Especially if they are aging... When they don't remember their lie they deny the first lie and tell you another false story...
Not exactly sure about that statement however they will fight and argue to not admit the lie
Fear rage envy revenge then denial & it’s very intentional deception
As they age they forget so it becomes ever crazier. They start reimagining the past and passing it off as truth. They'll say one thing on a Monday and the opposite on a Friday because they forget the original lie. My mother has even started letting slip deeply held grudges, one where she was heavily sedated after surgery and saying something that's a blatant lie but her mind was Haddled at the time with the drugs. It was a different person but she thought it was me and has held this grudge for 35 years and now I need surgery, is throwing it in my face. It wasn't even me!
Our used to be friend called his gf the absolute WORST name you can call a woman where her and my jaws dropped to the table and left us and my husband speechless for a full minute. He later told my husband when he called him out on it that “she knew I was only kidding.” No one is kidding when used THAT word!
Years ago we met up for a game night with a classmate and friend my brother had. His wide made a disparaging comment about him and 4 of us sat is shock and disbelief. He was very accomplished but had a mean, ruthless spouse.
Months later he committed suicide.
I wish we would have all called her out 😒
@@well_weathered, I'm so sorry to hear this. A friend of mine always would point out to anyone saying a cruel thing to another: "Try to be kind. If you can't be, keep it to yourself, because you don't know what that other person might be dealing with inside of them." She had experience with someone who was being bullied at work. He committed suicide, also.
@@notagain779 Thank you for sharing that. He was military and worked on disarming bombs. The military decided to downsize and he was losing his position. It was a shocking end. He had military at his funeral and he had requested to continue. They said his request was accepted but he never knew it. I don't think his career took him out though.
The mind can play tricks. It was supposed to be closed casket. It was open, and I saw a closed casket. It had to dawn on me that it wasn't. I was ashamed that I stood stock still at the entrance to the room. He looked nothing like the man I knew. He had no children and was died too young.
@@well_weathered, You have a sensitive soul, and you cared about him. No need to feel ashamed of your reaction. 🙏🏼❤
@@notagain779 Thank you for saying that. It was an awkward look from his sister, and that is how I realized. It was just a horrible situation any way you look at it.
There is a song called ‘Liar’, by Henry Rollins. Whoever needs an illustration to awaken and accept the way a narcissist thinks, this video is colossal. It helped me so much years ago with a scary boyfriend. Henry portrayed the character so well! 🏆 Sending peace to you all 💕❤️🕊
Love Hank! So smart, authentic. I'll look up the song. Thanks!
I played that song over and over when I found out about the massive cheating! That video is so real it’s scary!
@@francesstickel5759 It is scary. It’s alarming how I didn’t SEE the true person until watching this over and over again. We don’t think like them, so this is a great way to begin grasping the reality.
Rammstein's Lugen is another song that nails the narcissist's thinking down perfectly. It's brilliantly written and their use of autotune is surprisingly effective with this song. Highly recommend.
The hidden rebellion thing is really where it's at, the #1 problem with these people. They're constantly, incessantly passive aggressive to the point where they lose all contact with reality as the rest of us know it. What you or I may think of as the simplest life interaction, for them is a huge ego challenge, kind of like "get them before they get me." Except they're just generally surly because the world hasn't already crowned them in glory, basically. And that's your fault. But they know they can't come right out and blast you about it, which infuriates them. So every face they meet is a challenge, to find some way to trick them into accepting punishment.
That sounds right on 🎯
Excellent analysis
They don't have a relationship to truth.
And also, they don't care...
They don't have remorse and create their own reality which they create everything else around. Also: gaslighting. Big time.
Resist back with GUSlighting!
It is all dominance.
Thanks again Dr. C! 1 more tactic: they're at times brutally honest, enjoying the brutal part, & saying, 'Sorry but I'm just an honest person,' which statement contains 2 lies.
They are honest except when every word out of there mouth is a lie
Dear Dr Lez
I wish I had known you ( & Gus) when I was 19 years old, because that's when I first met my Covert Narc..
That's when the lies manipulations,threats etc started & never stopped. He was always Sly Sneeky Suspicious & Secretive. He would continually back me into a corner & his interrogations would start..... 'Who, What, When,Where Why & How', he would demand. I was under his microscope, being examined every which way...if he thought he hadn't got enough information he would instantly return & continue... It was the strangest & most cruel world.. I divorced him after 26 years, but that never stopped his lies. I believe as long as he lives he will continue lying. I always said that when he meets his Maker he will even try twisting His arm behind his back.
Your teachings are awakening, descriptive, spot on...they back up what I lived through.
Unfortunately it was so damaging to my 3 children.
Forever grateful for you wisdom Dr Lez.
And just where would we be without Gus? ❤
They are sadistic!
My ex's lying is what led me to learn about narcissism. I started out by googling pathological lying, and some of those articles mentioned narcissism. He was, and I'm sure still is, a very good liar.
I have figured out that I had supplied a certain credibility in a certain aspect of their delusion.
Yeah. Do you mean how they use others and relationships to appear more "normal"?
It’s called enabling
@@caroleminke6116 not so much as a willful enabling, but telling stories of my accomplishments and finding out later they are telling the same story in the first person, to appear credible.
@@lisbethbird8268 i mean me telling stories of my personal accomplishments and catching them tell the same story in the first person.
They not only rewrite history, they steal other peoples history.
They also sometimes say the truth (about someone else)... And they choose to say it in the worst moment of all. Then, they say, "I'm only saying the Truth" .
Exactly. Said to a T. SOUNDS exactly what I'm told on a daily basis. I'm a terrible horrible person everyone see through me ,everything is my fault. I'm crazy, nobody could put up with me. That's why the neighbors don't like me, that's why everybody hates me. It's never ending litany of your a terrible person that's why I can't live with you and u have to put us in debt to pay for two houses. 😊😮
@@ruthslater6364
"us", who?
Be careful because, if anything, narcissists usually will put *YOU* in debt
The overwhelming need to be normal, or rather be my authentic self during my lifelong experience with parental narcissistic abuse took me on a course in my life I would never regret! The lack of warmth and normalcy in my family of origin hunts me even today. I’m sad and angry but at least I found a way to get away from them. It’s better to sleep under a bridge or on a cold floor for months rather than endure one more second of narcissistic abuse! I’m in my mid 50’s now and cherish all videos from Dr Carter and others because without them I’d still feel it was all my fault! So I’m forever grateful! Thank you!
Peace and love ❤️
The compulsive lying they do is just astounding! Blows my mind 🤯
Been lied to for years
My narcissistic brother has been after me for decades to participate in a conversation using something called a talking stick. Whoever has the talking stick gets to talk while the rest remain silent. Can you imagine a narcissist with a talking stick? I never fell for that one.
You would never get that stick and if you did they wouldn't shut when you had it
Just wait till he shows up with his Walking Stick in the future, he won't be half as chatty then.
If you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist, you’ve been lied to on a regular basis. Healthy relationships require trust, honesty and open communication, none of which is present in a relationship with a narcissist, so these are not relationships but transactions which might be better called narcissistically abusive exploitationships. Thank you for your help and support dr Carter. God bless you❤
The narcissist IS the lie!
YES THEY ARE NOT REAL PEOPLE.
It's tough when you were born to and raised by a narc, then marry one because you thought they were different. I'm alone now and will never know the pleasure of a healthy relationship.
I have been duped almost for 20 years by a narc spouse.
I had 8 years of constant lies, from a covert narcissist. Promised a life together, gaslight, devalued, and then thrown away 😢
This talk is so descriptive of my experience with my ex for 30 years, yet so subtle, as he grew up in a ministry environment so it was always tempered with more Christ-like kindness, for which I'm grateful. In the end, though, his personal choices necessarily eased me out., and very few in our life together were either caring or discerning enough to realize why I had to leave. Only my relationship with God through His Word / Bible and Jesus - as I lean on them to be True - has helped me retain my sanity, learn and grow and HOPE FOR THE FUTURE TO BE worth all of the losses. Much respect and gratefulness for you, Dr. C &; >
Glad it helped!
The constant lying, even about inconsequential things - was the worst aspect of the relationship.
When they do something wrong they never admit it, that just try to point at you with your faults to make it even Steven
And if they had to go to court and went infront of judge like judge Judy, I don't think they would be effective liar.
My narc sister has both blatantly lied to me and also told lies of omission. I really believe she doesn't think lying by omission is really lying. She tells me enough to lead me in the wrong direction by leaving out the main points. But then she will turn around and say she didn't LIE as if it is my fault that I believed what she told me was the entire story. I honestly feel that she doesn't believe I am WORTH telling the truth to......
Unfortunately, I have the same sister. Totally sad about it. Shes very passive aggressive says one thing to not make waves and does another. Wherever way the wind vlows
When a man lies, he murders some part of the world. These are the pale deaths which men miscall their lives. (Poet Paul Gerhardt) All this I cannot bear to witness any longer. Cannot the Kingdom of Salvation take me home? (Burton).
Cliff Burton, Metallica - To Live is to Die, in memoriam to Cliff
Thank you! So thought provoking ❤
“People of the Lie” by Scott Peck is a very insightful book I found very helpful.
Definitely.
Thank you for sharing so much of your time, knowledge, wisdom and empathy. Your videos are excellent! I am so very grateful for everything I have learned from you.🙏💜🦋
I always suspected there was lying going on, especially if it meant I would be ahead in something. Always wanted to look successful and I would never achieve what she had.
Dear Dr. Carter. I think (from experience) that lie-based manipulation can be seen in people with some degree of borderline behavior too. Which is why, I suppose, some researchers came to see people with borderline as "failed, incomplete narcissists".
Thank you for your videos, Dr. Carter. They helped me a great deal after my husband died in 2017. i became chopped liver to a lot of people. I felt like you believed in me.
I wish nothing but the best for you, Katherine.
This was so helpful. Thank you. When I heard on multiple occasions “You can trust me. I won’t be dishonest with you” after I knew what he was (CN) and what he had already lied about, I just replied “you know people who are actually honest don’t have to declare that over and over. Your actions have spoken louder than your words”.
You know, I had asked my spouse never to play with my emotions. He said if he stopped loving me he would tell me.
Years later when I asked he laughed and said he would always love me.
It's not very clear, is it?
Since the people that were closest to me were liars it made me desensitized to liars.. I am starting to get more sensitive to liars..
My elderly mother has spent a lifetime using me and other family members as her prop. She continues to just use me for filling her dance card for activities. It never gets deeper than that.
Lying creates so much instability
I look at my sister and realise that after a lifetime of scheming, lying and calculating she is actually very lonely now that her life has almost come to an end. She could have had a good friend in me if she had treated me properly. But she made the choice to maltreat me because she saw me as a threat to her golden child status.
Narcissists think that we are lying and judging them because it's what they do to others and they think we are all like them.
My covert narc parent is a super liar. My narc parent would tell us how much they hated lying!!! But meanwhile the narc lied about so much stuff and had us fooled for a long time. 🥴🥴
The narc loved to manipulate and control us too.
The narc has smear campaigned my other parent (isn't a narc) to people that they are manipulative and other lies too.
The narc has a lot of credibility with people, and my narc parent is so charming with people and therefore wins them over to their side. My narc parent has also done a super smear campaign about me.
The narc's mother(my grandmother) was super manipulative, controlling and charming as well!
My grandmother loved to intimidate me and others too!
Another stellar session, Dr Carter.
Second watch of Dr Hassan cult specialist on The Weekend Show. Plan to sign up for Dr C s webinar soon. This stuff scares me.😱 Narcs lie so much they convince themselves. The inability to reflect and accept difference amazes me.
Thanks to your videos, I saw through the lies of a new boss almost immediately. Within 3 days, I knew exactly what I was hearing and seeing. These checklists are so helpful. I am releasing my life by walking away earlier. I can get on with living my dreams rather than being a tool for the narcissist to be supported in theirs. I WILL NOT waste any more of my life. Thanks, Dr C. Hugs to Gus xx
Gus looks so peaceful! Thank you for your work! I'm able to get through a tough time with you Dr C! I'm so grateful!
He saved my life
I miss my little Dog 🐶!
Some of them become less effective liars with time as they are so sucked into their warped sense of reality they start to forget the world building they have fabricated around their BS. This is especially noticeable in more elderly narcissists where their memories can no longer keep up with their BS. I knew one narcissist who came up with at least 3 different fabrications of the same event but did not remember they have already lied before to me. NEVER point this out to the narcissist as it will trigger temper tantrums.
Love is a power, God tells us he is love and he gives it to us so we can have it for ourselves and give it to each other and there is power in words too, He also says He is the Word. You have been given your power, do not forget that. Love and blessings ❤️ 🙏
Thanks so much for these videos. It helps me have clarity on dealing with two difficult individuals. I've questioned my own reactions to these people (who happen to think they're friends....lord help us all when they start on each other).
Thank you Dr. C! I’m thankful for peace after ending a 34 yo marriage with a narcissist.
Narcissists enjoy seeing how many lies other people will believe. If you love and trust someone, their opportunities to enjoy their deceit are infinite. My narcissist ex even dropped in hints that he is a liar. He told me when we were first married that he really enjoyed reading a novel about two professional liars and wished he could lie as well as that. After he left me, and I'd discovered all his lies, he even had the cheek to lecture/gaslight me saying that I don't understand what a lie really is because there was always a grain of truth in everything he said!
Non verbal communication and eye movements can indicate deception. The same is true of prior inconsistent statements and narcissistic individuals are consistently inconsistent
Patrick Sicard PsyD
God's 'end game' for the lying narc is the lake of fire (Rev 21:8).
Oh my...you've dissected their deceitful and lying language, actions and behaviour in such virtuous detail. Amazing! If it hadn't dawned on me in the finale of our relationship that he ( the narcissist) is acting in a way which seemed like a pattern, a cliche, I might never have found out about the Team Healthy
I deal with this daily with multiple individuals that I work with and it is so maddening! I can't tell you how many time the pots call the kettles black. I try to stay out of it as much as possible. I do my best to live out of my integrity and be genuine. I was away from the situation for a few months and honestly did not miss it.
This hits the nail on the head!
My brother (the epitome of narcissism) recently played the "...perception is more true than truth..." card. After falsely accusing me (for the umpteenth time)
If I defend myself, he says something like "... everyone knows you're argumentative..."
Thank you sooooo much for your amazing videos.
They are ALWAYS are very helpful.
HI DEAR GUS
From JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN USA
Thanks, CynthiaAnn!
I'm glad to know the truth, to have seen the face of deception, and to know that there is nothing to go back to. The learning just never stops, but at least I don't have to feel bad about being cautious with certain individuals.
I so much appreciate your point about love being built upon vulnerability, because we end up sometimes feeling very foolish for making ourselves vulnerable to them.
Thank you Doctor C. I have watched many hours of your videos and continue to learn nuance and patterns of behavior even now as I continue to try and understand my own relationship. Thank you so much for all of this supportive and enlightening content it has made some of the darkest and loneliest days of my life feel a bit more hopeful. Again you have my gratitude for all the wisdom you’ve shared. Incorporating this knowledge into my life has helped more than I could put into words. Best always.
Dr. Les, every one of your videos hits the nail on the head. It’s as though you’ve met my husband.
Ty 4 the VALIDATION 🧐💯😇
If we believe them, it takes two.
@penijoni1316you need to go gray rock until he leaves you or go no contact from a safe place for your child ❤
This is a very interesting topic because the lack of empathy, theoretically,
... should hinder the ability to become such perfect liars... 🤔
Hence, I guess, they become so effective because of our healthy behaviour... (paradoxically, as usual).
Most probably it's our provision of information about ourselves
😕 We offer them great support so they can confidently lie.
Thank you for another informative video. I feel that a very big difference with narcissists and handling them comes from their relationship with you. One who comes into your sphere of acquaintance suddenly, like a sister's boyfriend, is one thing; while a much younger brother towards whom you have already a love/care feeling is quite another. The sister's boyfriend can be skillfully avoided, but the brother, whose difficult narcissistic characteristics didn't show up until his thirties, and with whom you have spent countless pleasant hours over the years, is a much more difficult problem, and a sad one.
He has threatened to unalive me. He has strangled me at least 50 times till I was unconscious. I am healing very slowly, but he has damaged my vocal chords.
Good morning all. 💙 Wish this were live....
Or their lies will follow this plan: first-“No. I didn’t do that.” Second-“Okay, yeah I did that but it’s no big deal. Everyone does it.” And then finally-“Yeah I did that and it’s not a good thing to do but it’s YOUR fault I did it.”
To any victims of a Narcissist please get help don’t bury it. I’m 62 & it’s hit me now to the point i can’t ignore it anymore. It is my mother who tells everyone I’m looking for sympathy “oh poor you” It’s as evil as it get go no contact asap & get help
My husband narc. Would say,all you have to do is lie big,and people believe you! Or he would say to people I never lie. He didn't start saying these things,till after marriage.
Thank you for your help. With my journey on healing thank you Dr les Carter
Used your link to sign up for betterhelp after a year+ of watching your numerous informative spot-on videos. Hope this encourages others to do so as well. You deserve the compensation. I even own one of your mugs.
My adult daughters occasionally asks me: who is that man on your tea cup mom?
I smile and say An Unknown Friend.
They have a lot of practice lying!
Thank you1
OMG... I long figured out he is a liar, but i feel so dumb for a huge detail that only dawned on me RIGHT now after 2 freakin' decades of ALL of those behaviors dominating my marriage (feels more like a 'regime', but, okay, 'marriage'). when i hear him constantly talking to himself while he shaves, is he PRACTICING his lies???? for goodness sakes, he repeats things several times sometimes!!! I just go about my business and dismiss it as self-pep talks or something. My god, he practices his lies.😮
My ex would write down little conversations he intended to have with women he cheated with. They were like scripts, and he'd reuse them on his next victim. To me it was so weird and upsetting. I'd find them on sticky notes, note pads, etc. I don't think he cared if I'd seen them.
Like Dr. C said, they're 'very intentional in how they engage'. Almost scripted...
@@Hatbox948Wow. Akin to grooming.
Thank you sir, I want that peace too.. One of your video's a month ago was the one that left me pausing it many times just having my mouth wide open as I began to realize what had been happening to me over this 4 year marriage that divorce will be final at end of this month situation. So, thank you again I had no idea what was going on, and I have had 15 months of therapy 20 years ago involving codependency. My eyes are open now and each day without her is helping me find that peace as a Christian as well. I had all the red flags going off and I ignored them because she was so charming and claimed to be a Christian too. Thanks again for your video's sir.
Hey dear Dr C good to see you again!
In my next life I want to come back as Gus , what a great life he has 😂❤ thank you Dr Carter ❤
This was a great video. I am moving on . Thank you for supporting me 😊. And gus too!.❤