The Most Effective Response To A Narcissist's False Accusations
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- Опубліковано 2 сер 2023
- A narcissist's starting point with you can be summarized, "I know, you don't know." This sets them up to be quite free with criticisms and accusations. Dr. Les Carter explains that while you cannot change the narcissist, you can certainly adjust the ways you respond to the narcissists ongoing invalidation and gaslighting.
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I'm not grieving the loss of her, I'm grieving the loss of the person I thought she was. That person never really existed.
I know what you are saying that really hurts
True
Thank you so much for saying that--it's just what I needed to hear today in my own sadness after the one who seemed so loving for 3 years, and who promised never to abandon me, suddenly broke off all contact with me one day last Fall and went to live with another person he just met in another city. I've been devastated for months, and it's only recently that I've let myself start to think, to believe, that he's very simply not a good person. Not the person I thought he was or that he presented to me. It does hurt to come to that conclusion, but it is the right one and I think (I hope) it will eventually make the pain less. I just have to keep your phrase in mind. Thanks again, and all best for dealing with your own grief. You are not alone.
Welcome to therapy. Seriously, we've all been there.
Finding out the entire "relationship" was an illusion and a lie. Glad I got out without too much financial loss. What a destructive, hateful parasite.
Everything a narcissist accuses a person of is actually what they are. They project all their insecurities on you to make themselves a victim.
It's their go to defense mechanism.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you for all your work and expertise in this area. I have a sibling who is a hard core Narcissist and has caused great suffering for everyone she's encountered. I have learned to identify many behavior patterns by studying your videos. A wonderful, educational, and enhancing contribution. Thank you for your educational work.
In the case of a narcissist Jezebel type who wrongly and/ or wrongfully accuses someone, they're not the real victim or sufferer
@SurvivingNarcissism how does this make them feel better? How does it lessen their guilt or shame?
@@SurvivingNarcissism Offense as a defense. They never make any real counterpoints if they are "defending" themselves.
They love to take what you’ve said out of context in effort to make their delusional points
World salad
And it’s done with intention
I truly feel that the high percentage of narcs existing in humanity is why we can never have world peace, especially if we have big govts FULL of these people.
You make sense.
wooow..! soooo on the point !!!
It's not just big government.... people in government come from people... US... is in YOU and ME and everyone around us. Human relationships are complex... we impact each other and vice versa. Saying "big govts FULL of these people" is the same as saying the population is FULL of these people. So it's true but best not to identify a group of people in a type of occupation. It's like saying "house wives are xxxxxxxx".
100%
@@CalmTurtle2023 It's true. People with these terrible disorders often seek out positions of power and the possibility of wealth. They don't care what they have to do to claw and fake their way into these positions and then they are really hard to get rid of.
Their accusations are confessions. I strive to not take it personally and reinforce my boundaries.
That's a very interesting take on the situation... their accusations are confessions... hmmm...
@@whistlinfreedom It aligns with projection. That what they're accusing others of~is what they're doing themselves.
That’s right I see it now too 😊😮😂 what a relief 😅 ❤ thank you
Exactly. I wondered why he was accusing me of cheating on him from years ago. Come to find out he had been cheating on me! The accusations are confessions.
Same here!
How to deal with a Narcissist.
1) Remind yourself who you are dealing with. Refuse to be manipulated.
2) Stop justifying and defending. Your defense will never be good enough.
3) Become grounded in reality, even if it's ugly. Accept what is true.
4) Determine the characteristics you want to be known for. Write it down. A dozen items.
5) Anticipate in advance common scenes. Mentally rehearse.
6) COMMIT to CALM CONFIDENCE.
7) Move forward with your sensible behaviors. Your Boundaries and Actions.
8) Hoping they will change, is a failed strategy.
1. STAY CALM
2. LOL, not rudely.
3. Walk away grinning.
4. Ignore them, smiling.
They hate that.
Doesn't matter what the truth is. All they want is the reaction.
That's TRUE.
So true
100000 percent. It’s like a drug to them
They only like the truth when it is in THEIR favor.
gracegorman642,
ABSOLUTELY.
It's a dominance behavior.
Your reaction proves to them that they can control you.
Also, their core personality is self-destructive. By forcing you to react against your will and/or in self-destructive ways, they are trying to prove that their self-destructive drive is "normal".
So you've met my sister...
And my brother…
Include my younger brother too. He is so shameless he behave this way in front of outsiders and strangers
Lol
And a few of my fellow co workers...
LOLOLOLOL 😂 are we related. My mother brother and sister
FYI/ HEADS UP ! What they're accusing you of doing, is What THEY ARE actually doing.
I heard someone say that the narcissist loves nothing more than for you to participate in defending your personhood and your reality, because by doing so, they have successfully distracted you from your own life and pulled you into their web of self regulating through you. Even if it’s a short interaction. Don’t bite! They know damn well you’re a good person and that their maladaptive behavior is beneath you, but they don’t want you to know that! If you even so much as correct them, you’re snared. Tell them “I trust myself. I trust my version of events and I’m good with me. You have to live with your opinions and I don’t.” They will snicker and sneer and make comments, but there’s really nothing they can do with that statement. They are pathetic attention seekers, but their antics require your participation.
You need to leave them, with a smile on your face, in their own dysfunction. I mean don’t pick up their dysfunction and try to hand it back to them.
Just leave it at their feet without touching it, turn your back and keep it moving right on into your amazing life; literally and figuratively.
They are energy vampires who feed off of you spinning your wheels in confusion and upset.
100%. THIS excellent post! The idea is to use this list as YOUR reference, not to go over it with THEM. Ignore/block/delete
That is really good advice!
...You have to live with your opinions - I don't.
And tell Yourself -
I trust my perceptions of reality and who I am.
Don't have to participate. Yup
Well said!
Yep. Pathetic attention seekers. Ego Maniacs. Over grow children needing constant validation
They're very good at accusing you of being the narcissist.
They're experts at teaching their wrong judgments, especially Jezebel types, as relates to Rev.2:20
Spot on. Been there.
Spot on. Been there.
I have been thinking i am the narcissist. I think I have tendencies but now I think I’ve met narcissists and they’ve tricked me. I’ve never accused anyone in a relationship. But I get accused of things all of the time and they don’t make sense. I will try to process these random accusations as possible confessions. I don’t argue with them anymore anyway. It goes nowhere.
Or the gas lighter
Their false accusations that involve law enforcement are the worst! Such disgusting people
or when its done in church people claiming to be christians
The worst is when they fire employees and lie to unemployment office about why ..... delays UI payments, although I have received all of my benefits, after the appeals were decided.
MARKJAYW666
Making trouble on others
To lose your job, housing,
So many things that they
Want you to lose, or to
Lose access to.
And they bring the shitt
To you, then attack like
Blitz. They always right,
Don't let Truth get in the
Way of emotional
Badmouthing &
Malicious Gossip.
I feel your pain. 💜💜
Oh yeah, and they're
Religious Zealots who
Best you over the head,
Because you must understand
That They are really
The Godd who you
Must worship.
They are so full of it.
Yeah my mom literally had restraining orders against her from her co-workers, her best friends, and her entire close family + convinctions for DV and harassment and people still somehow think she isn't completely malicious. The cognitive dissonence is astounding.
From experience I agree. They’re also protected by the law.
The angrier they are, the slower i talk. I wont allow myself to be pushed. I wont allow my mind to be cornered. Try it.
Love this.
Thank you for your advice. Much appreciated ☺️.
Careful with this. This is exactly how I am. The more insane they act, the calmer I react. But what that usually does is pisses the miserable asshole off even more. The abuse increases because they can't get a negative reaction from me. Next, I "don't care" because I'm "not showing any emotion". I'm "just an idiot with no thoughts".
This can sometimes push them beyond the edge and end in violence. Be careful.
@@SolidSiren wise advice. Sadists mean to have our very lives. They push for a reaction between they want to play victim. Still do not react. Simply say, I hear you loud and clear. And I hope you find whatever it is you are looking for. Also, pray. It helps calm the situation down.
@@SolidSiren Yes, be careful with that response. I have tried that, it makes them more mad, because they want you triggered, so then they can blame you for the fight. You described my same concerns exactly.
They are pathological liers, and the sad part about it, people who don't know, believe the lies🙄
Narcissists are starved for praise & attention.
Don't feed them.
They want their victim's head on a platter
And devour 1Pet.5:8 /eat up the sins of Hosea 4:8 the vulnerable
Positive or negative attention!
Expose them for who they are. In that way you are educating and inspiring others to rise up. It is a huge problem.
Less words with them are better. Only problem is that when you don't react to their crazy nonsense they come at you harder.
Yesssss. It’s so difficult.. 😞
Very well said, practice situational awareness then, 20’ minimum distance then there over. 🙂👍
So true! I'm being targeted by a narcissist I've known 30 years. She's my landlord now. I refused to engage in her arguments and now she's effectively evicting 4 people by staying in an un permitted apartment hoping all involved will blame me, as she does and that they will turn against me and be on "her side".
So true!. If you don't react, they will just keep attacking, criticizing, goading you to get you to react so that they can feel a false sense of power and control. Control. My ex even admitted how he'd like to goad me and watch my reactions. These are sick and demonic evil individuals.
Narcissists also have a habit of putting words on your mouth that suit their narrative
The moment someone realizes you wont engage their irrationality, and their response is rage, is the only sign you need to know you're dealing with someone who is very unwell.
Quite true.
Jezebel types want empathy
Honestly, the narcissist thinking you’re an idiot is probably a compliment. 😅
As a family scapegoat growing up, and having chosen a narcissist in marriage, I have had false accusations leveled at me my entire life, and I thought I was alone. Thank you for expanding on this topic because it represents my whole life and it’s miserable to exist knowing that false accusations will come at any time, and with no regrets by the narcissist ever.
Sounds like my life. Sorry, stay strong. ❤
You are not alone. I was just told that my family is crazy guess what, he is my family. In 40 years he has isolated me from everyone in my family.
Same here. It's not unusual for a survivor of the narc parents/family dynamic to choose partners that resemble the abuse. Some will never grow past it - but some of us certainly do!
They won't change. Only thing you have is yourself. Take good care of your ❤️.
Thank you for supportive comments. I am healing from the narcissistic abuse and have been for four months. My husband believed that Google would solve any problem so he ignored very serious symptoms and angrily insulted me for daring to beg him to please call a doctor. In the end, he did not survive. The irony is that his narcissistic hubris eventually caused him to lose everything, and I was left in control and in possession of everything. But I am in counseling and working to repair my shattered self-esteem, and find the happiness that I have so long deserved. I know I will get there because I can see now that I was not alone in dealing with such toxic people.
They will never change. They will never be kind. They trick me into hoping they will be kind. They will never Love me.
Narcissism can be understood as the absence of love
@@SurvivingNarcissism Absence of self-love, so nothing to draw from to love others...
Perpetual petulant shame dumpers. Lost cause. But hey, I'm not. I am worthy of kind mutually respectful interactions.
I can stand grounded these days and it's bc of your taking us to school Dr C.
I now know exactly what Do NOT cast your pearls before swine truely means.
A sense of love.
“Kind” isn’t in their wheelhouse.
I am the daughter of a n elderly 89 yr old covert passive aggressive Narcissist. No contact for 3 yrs. She is dying now of cancer and is pushing her delusions accusations and outright lies and tentacles further into my family to hurt me. I have remained calm and not replied. It's a shame she never loved me. I always loved her. I am a good person. I am grateful my grandchildren will never know her. It stops when she dies. So sad but true.
Hard to say goodbye to your mother that was never your mother......but I can't cry anymore.
My ❤️ goes out to you.🙏
My narcissistic female parent died at 99. Until the end she was angry, bitter and mean as a snake (sorry snakes).
I consider the day she died as one of the best days in my life. I've never cried. I don't "miss" her. She was never a "mom", but she was definitely a real mother f....mother.
I pray for your strength and for your peace.
It's so sad. It makes me feel so lucky to have had a non-narcissist mother.
My mother died of cancer,riddled with malice and spite and fear. It was so scary to watch. I tried to be a comfort to her but she never stopped thinking of me as bad. I had to put up walls to protect myself. The " bad" thing I did was not allow her custody of my vulnerable babies. She was narcissistic and too selfish and impatient. I had to protect them from her.
It’s very draining. And I have withdrawn from people. It’s hard.
I have learned that withdrawing gives me solitude in order to heal. I think it's a good thing. Your mind's way of limiting the trauma and helping us find balance again. It is mental exhaustion, and please allow yourself the gift of solitude when necessary..
Me too. I literally don’t talk to anybody any more and disappeared from my communities because I don’t know who to trust any more.
It's the opposite of a truly caring person , they inspire , the narc instills self doubt and exhaustion
❤😢
We've decided the only way to survive is to have no contact with the narcissist in our life. Unfortunately, that means alienation from other family members as well, but it is the only solution. We've tried for 10 years to 'make it work', and it never does. Enough is enough.
Have had to do the same. You will miss them. They will never miss or care about you.
That often has to be the - I was going to say 'we have to make' but really when other people side with the narcissist they're also making that decision for us. It's sad but if that's what has to happen... so be it. I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 9 years and now see that my brother is a text book narcissist too since we've been dealing with our parents' estate after they passed. It's hideous but luckily my sister is 'normal' and we can support each other whenever he treats us like we're the idiots!
Unable to edit my reply to add that we are now no longer in contact with our nephews and their families.
It also severely limits the dating pool. I refuse to be with anyone who wants to bring it BACK into my life through THEIR narcissists (parents, ex, kids, boss--I don't care, and I don't apologize.) I trust God to bring me the right man, no Narcs attached. I'll die alone if it means dying free.
Yes. They serve satan and that is the truth. They are without natural affection.
They pretend to have empathy but they do not.
Mine just used my mother in a phone conversation...telling my elderly mother she would come over snd cook snd clesn for her and her husband...funny thing is my narcisstic adult child has never once visited my mother in many yrs now.
My mother told me she has always felt something wrong mentally with my daughter.
Hard to hear from my mother, but my brother says the same thing. My only child and I have given her my life.
I have and would do it again take care of my grandson daily but my daughter only used me and my husband to get my grandson to a certain age so she did not have to do it herself.
Now she has discarded me and caused my grandson to grieve me and I him.
God is watching.
My mother called me and said she had to placated my daughter because she feels my daughters mind is fragile and they have no intention of having my daughter come over. My mother is working on a sworn affadavit stating my daughter is unstable.
My daughter is clearly a highly functioning alcoholic and substance abuser. She is mentally and emotionally abusive to my grandson to keep control. She refers to my grandson as her prisoner, he is now 8 yrs old. She runs a smear campaign on me and people tell what she is saying. Bottom line "No weapon formed against me shall prosper."
I pray God take permission away from the demons that plague her and bring her to humility, true repentance and unto salvation
In Jesus name
Amen
No response. Turning your back. Walking away. Getting busy with a craft or hobby. Turning on a tv program. In other words, for that time frame, “they don’t exist”.
Yes , 💯 💯 💯
❤
💯 I do this all the time…I often walk away mid sentence or completely zone out 😏
My ongoing experiences with the time frame "they don't exist":
1. No response - Narc getting angry
2. Turning my back - Narc shouting
irrational accusations at me
3. Walking away - Narc yelling at me
with even more accusations
@@roxymovie3938 I hear you. I go outside a lot. Its safe, quiet and there are neighbors around. There’s no rest IN the house.
"you are not dealing with an objective person, you are dealing with someone who has a hard agenda; and it's their job to explain to YOU what YOUR motivations are" . Oh my gosh, this is so true. So happy to now be in my own calm reality. Living apart from the irrational. I have processed the grief of lost relationship that was based on a false belief of who they were.
Having to listen to hour long lectures on what I'm thinking and what my motivations were became a simple fact of my life, to the extent that I became so browbeaten I would find myself agreeing even though, in my heart I knew what they were saying wasn't true.
Today, I told them I'm applying for divorce.
It is so gradual and so insidious. I was divorced in 2004, after 28 years of being ground down for my actions and HIS absolute certainty of my motivations. Never felt so free as the day I left and never spent another day disappointing him. @@Secretgeek2012
@Secretgeek2012 Don’t tell them what you’re doing. They’ll sabotage you.
when he said that, it was so validating for me. Because no matter how honest and forthcoming I have been about my motivations for doing something, and they are most often benevolent motivations, he will not believe me and then carry on the conversation with HIS version/narrative of what my "True" motivations were (usually malevolent, of course), saying something along the lines of " I know you". and then from that point on in the convo, all of his accusations and insults would rest on his narrative of me and I would have to try to "convince" him otherwise so that the initial topic we were talking about was lost and now we were talking about how I am the problem in everything, which I know I am not..
I soooo feel you, Sis!
Unemotional detachment and avoidance is the BEST way to deal with those who have NPD. It also leads to better mental health for you!
Yes and it takes a lot if work when you have CPTSD from them.
Yes that’s what I’ve done but still has given my mental health a crack or 2
I totally missed the person she was..
@@Angelsarenear277 Yes, I'm beginning to wonder if you ever recover. Try to move on with your life without them anywhere near you.
Yes! That has been the most unexpected (but welcome) result of going gray rock/no contact. But watch out! She recently baited me (again), using someone else's email account (so it seemed like the baiting comment was from that someone else). God, they are devious!
POWERFULLY SAID! I totally Love this!!! I will say it to myself a Thousand times
6) Commit yourself to calm confidence
🎯
For many in order to have that one needs at least weekly support from the family or friends
In my case, God has to take charge of this one
Because I'm in the Devil's hands
🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
@@goldas.4624 I HAVE ALSO seen "the devil" in the narcs' details. Good riddance when you're able to escape the clutches
The most effective response I've used on my narcissistic mother-in-law was when I blocked her cell phone number. After 35 years of putting up with her phone calls & criticism I finally decided I'd had enough. No goodbyes. No grey rock. No explanation. I just blocked her. Best decision of my life. And then my husband called his mom and told her not to call me anymore -- to only call him.
Boundaries!
congrats , took you a long time lol
I did that to my mother in law, unfortunately my husband wouldn't back me up. He kept on calling her. We were overseas and I didn't know about this until we came back from our duty station. I asked him to cut off communications with her and he refused. We would get phone calls from her. She even contacted his boss, telling him just how bad a wife and mother I was. It was so bad that we decided to not return to our hometown. We lived about 800 miles away from her. It took her years and years but in the end she destroyed our marriage. My husband started to act just like her verbally and physically just like her. He even would repeat the same accusations that she did. Eventually we divorced. THEN it was just myself and the kids. We didn't have the arguing or accusations in our lives that we had when we were all together. We had love and understanding in our lives for the first time.We also had food and a warm home. No we weren't rich. We didn't have a car, but we had each other and peace in our home. The kids would go to see their grandparents but I had no contact at all. The children finally see how she was and dropped her so fast. It made our lives much better in the long run.
@@ru.m.6119 The appropriate length of time is no one's place to judge.
Exactly that's the ONLY thing that works with these people all they want to do is throw out false accusations so you will continue to engage in arguments sick !
During the brain fog and stifling gaslighting it almost impossible to remember that your value is NOT based on their ability to recognize your worth.
“Their accusations are confessions.” Is great!
What we heard as kids was,
“It takes one to know one.”
As adults it is also called “projecting” accusing others of what they themselves are thinking of, or familiar with!
Projection
“I’m rubber, yer glue, whatever you say sticks on you!” 💩 🎉🥳🔥 Let’s bring it on “Right back at you Satan!”😂 the demonic deception failed…game over you have lost.🙏✌🏻
My best friend reminded me of a famous quote: "That's who you are, but who am I ?" I keep this as a silent reply within myself because I know that saying it out loud to a narcissist would only incite rage in them.
Love that - you are what you say you are - takes one to know one
Another one to keep in mind is that when someone points at you, 3 fingers are pointing back at themself.
You can respond calmly or not respond at all, but the rage and trouble they ambush you with does damage.
Yes, you make sense.
Yes and healing from the damage takes time apart and away from them as much as possible. Every minute, day ,week of distance is healing. Limit contact as much as possible. There's just no other way. Just my opinion.
You can try recording them secretly. I've been working on a hilarious video series of a narcissist I've been afflicted with. If you can derive humour from it their tantrums, you should, as long as you can compartmentalize them from the rest of humanity and not let your disdain for them bleed through. Make your relationship about comedy instead of about trauma. That's the choice they give you. Your mileage with this technique may vary, depending on the type of narcissist it is. I lucked out with an utter moron.
I swear being calm just made him more aggressive, and I couldn’t take it. It was too stressful.
The great tribulation can result from narcissists- especially if they're Jezebel types. 2 Tim.3 mentions false accussers and lovers of themselves
And Satan is called the accuser of the brethren ( Rev.12:10)
10:44 - "Hoping that the person is going to change ... is not a good strategy". Yep. 25 years, i hoped, prayed, only got worse.
I wished I had known decades ago what I was up against.
Thanks. Dr. C.
Hi pan-fried, that is exactly how I was for 36 years with my now ex. But he made it so easy for me in the end. I swore to myself , if he ruined another Christmas, with his rage and drama, that I was finished. Christmas 2021 my was drama and a half. Anger off the scales. After a very quiet dinner (he not talking to us), I went for a long walk in the rain. Came back determined not to stay around for another Christmas. I left in February 2022. At peace now. No eggshells, no rage no drama. Thank God.
@@margaretmlydon6910 my last straw was similar. Extreme rage for something not even worth to be angry for.
thank you for sharing your story!
Don’t fault yourself for not seeing it sooner. Give yourself a pat on the back for seeing it and moving on. Change is never easy❤️
Right? How helpful would this video have been 10 years in? 37 wasted years here with no idea how mentally ill she was. No tools. No idea how to navigate.
@panfried7566 you are not alone! I went thru 30+ yrs not understanding what was going on. My Life was HELL! All those precious years gone. I'm free now, thanks to many many YT vids where I learned about Narcissism. I'm thankful for the knowledge I have gained.
Narcs know how to cry on cue.
They are experts at producing what we used to call " crocodile tears", or fake tears.
I can do that and I'm not a narcissist, it's called being a good actor, basically pull a nose hair, or think of the worst thing you have ever felt and the tears come
My daughter brags about that ability.
The first time it worked for me was when I said "you know what? You have every right to feel however you want to." They flipped.. started hollering and screaming and I said calmly "I understand you feel that way" They further flipped but I stayed calm. That was a turning point for me.
You got it! That's delicate detachment
When you validate their feelings, and they dig deeper, it becomes clearer and clearer who's really sad.
If someone tells you the sky is purple doesn’t make it true
You need to have a delete button in your life
Some people do not walk in the light, you do not need to give your energy to them
I'm so sick of the accusations 😢
Truth is fluid to them.... It depends on how they feel in any given moment...
Don’t respond, and walk away, works the best for me. Only took me 50 years to realize there is a term for this unhealthy, bullying way.😢
Walk away COMPLETELY and never look back.
My dad's thinking, the nasty narcisssist!
Just realized it's a nice way of bullying.
I got married to my husband at 20 yrs old, still together at 44 years. His behavior did not start until about 15 years ago. He had a bad back surgery done which gave him drop foot and tons of pain. He really changed from that point on. I totally understand the pain he is in, but I started seeing him use it for attention. His Mother was an awful Narcissist, and actually faked a heart attack the first Christmas Eve I hosted at my house instead of hers. Unfortunately I am seeing similar patterns in my husband, along with being told how I am a piece of crap. These videos are helping me through this, and I am preparing myself to leave him.
Same here. Turn your back on them. Unfortunately, such miserable nasty people tend to hang on desperately to the life they hate and live to a ripe old age: go figure!
The best thing I ever did before going no contact was laughing in their faces! Was having one of those inquisitions in a restaurant where I was the scapegoat... there were 3 of them arms crossed, the looks of condemnation etc...i saw it all like a movie. What a gift...they all looked so ridiculous and I just started laughing uncontrollably!!! You should have seen their faces. I actually thought my mother would stroke out... she kept saying stop and I gave her the teenager type "what"? The more she did that the harder i laughed!!! It totally blew their minds!!!
I am SO GLAD that I'm out of that relationship. Thanks be to God! ✝
The narc in my life told me that I alienate everyone, that I could alienate a saint.
I'm 77. I still have friends from nursery school, elementary school, high school, college and from every place I've ever lived.
He has literally alienated two entire towns in Vermont. 😂😂😂
LOL Sounds like my life. My narc told me I create chaos and drama in everyone around me. He's the ONLY one causing any drama or chaos in my life. I am old and still have all my friends. My narc has gone no contact with every single person in his life he knew before he met his wife.
As one of the commenters said; Tell him I trust my myself, I trust my version of events, and i am good with me. You have to live with your opinions and i don't.
With a smile
GOD grant me the Serenity
Yes I loved that
My fav has always been, “if that’s what you want to believe that’s not my problem it’s yours”
At what point is the narcissist finally either held accountable or exposed for their abuse of power, spiritual & psychological abuse, outright lies and CRIMES? It seems there is no one who can confront a narcissist with reality (not therapists, lawyers, "friends," subservients). It's astonishing.
God will give them their due in the end.
I ended up sending a Formal Notice to my own narcissistic sister, to stop contacting me. Of course she didn't.
So i lodge a complaint for "criminal harassment" at the police station and a few months later, i found in my mailbox her Judgement: 12 months prison...
(But prior to that, i tried to help her for 30 years, and each time it was a mistake.)
I regret not having done the procedure 30 years ago...
She destroyed my self esteem completely.
"It is mine to avenge, I will repay, says the Lord"
Sometimes we just have to wait till the judgement seat of Christ before any vindication comes.
Their projections are confessions
Precisely.
Absolutely correct 👍🏾
The playing victim is one of them
I just don't grasp how a narcissist/sociopath can even reach the age of 50. How do they hold jobs at all, with this mindset? How do they not get beaten up repeatedly? No expert or psychologist has been able to explain that to me.
I'm continuing to struggle with this but I'm learning. Any response is adding fuel to the fire. Sometimes no response is taken badly as well. However I've decided that being yelled at for walking away or staying silent is better than the other alternatives.
Recently, I bought a cheap macrame bracelet with jade beads off Etsy to help me remember, JADE. Don't Justify,Argue, Defend or Explain.
Keep leaning forward!
I LOVE the JADE bracelet idea! Brilliant! Beautiful! FYI - Jade is a highly valued stone that symbolizes gentleness, serenity, harmony, and balance - bringing balanced energy to your life and home. Jade has many meanings, including strength, luck, and good health. 👍
Very clever and helpful to the rest of us!
Shopping for something JADE right now - great, great idea! Go team healthy!
I wondered what the jade was 😂brilliant x
Excellent, Energizing, and Uplifting session by Dr. Carter. If you are suffering from the psychological abuse of a toxic person, you owe it to yourself to watch this video.
Agreed 👍
So pleased!
Nice shirt!
What a great session. I have watched it a few times because it is spot on. I feel heard.
@@VTH599 Yes, Dr Les just keeps getting better! I will listen to this again, and whenever I feel the need.
I’m finally feeling quite a bit better after the shock of the last incident. That means I’ll be receiving a dysfunctional surprise call any moment.
Most of their accusations don't even make any sense.
Especially if they can get the world to believe the damn lie
The world listens to that crap, as relates to 1 John 4:5
no response is the best response
That's how I feel about what I believe to have been secretly
accused to the authorities by a narcissist Jezebel neighbor
Jesus Christ was silent before his accusers (+ Mat.27:12)
I got this line from my mother and sister several times when I was younger, “No one can tell you anything.” I was also told I’m too sensitive. Anyone had this told to you?
Since day one ha. Its like my family motto " you're too sensitive"
Only when i got older I started responding with
" if I am then why are you being so insensitive?" Or
" then just stop talking to me"
They project and twist everything we say, we know those tricks too but we chose not to use them. I chose, in my 30s , to use them but only on my family members.
You want to outcast me because i won't comply ? Fine I'm outcasting you for twice as long. Banned from me and my own family, my life
Want to talk shit about me? Do it... you'll need to lie about me, I'll just tell the truth about you ( because they all have dirt)
It was hard and it sucked and I didn't feel nice but it eventually "worked". They didn't change but the worst ones backed off. The flying monkeys are still around but they'll only hear how fabulous everything is and if the narcs come up, I'll bring up a specific example as to why I don't see them anymore... truth makes these people very uncomfortable
@@jenster29 Oh boy. I want to encourage you that my mother and sister did change. Sometimes my husband tells me that I’m too sensitive, and I stop and think about it and I ask him what does he mean. I explain to him what I’m thinking about at the moment and it really helps to clear up any misunderstanding on both our parts. I’ve realized, at this point in my life, that I’ve been wrong about some people. When I’ve waited and said nothing, many times I’ve realized that I was wrong. What I’ve seen that really has helped me is to pray and ask God to help me be kind. This has helped me immensely. I’m not saying this applies to you, I’m only sharing what I’ve learned for myself.
Of course
@@trinidad2450 yes I understand and I'm so glad things have worked out for you and you family.
Mine just got worse unfortunately but its OK. I have my peace of mind, they've all turned on each other since I'm not in the picture so it's just further proof that I need to keep my distance.
I've also turned to prayer and it has been an enormous comfort.
Best of luck in your journey , we all need it X
@@jenster29 Most definitely prayer should be our weapon. There will always be people who will be problematic, but we can pray for them and ourselves. Thank you for the reminder.
I went grey rock..
low contact...
No contact!...
Its amazing how they love playing the victim when they're the ones causing all the chaos!
At the very end of my marriage, I finally landed on "calm confidence". It felt wonderful! I knew he'd come at me with his crazy, and I simply quit reacting, defending etc.
Me, too and it was very liberating. I no longer felt any need to "understand" him, what was wrong with him, etc. I knew he didn't love me from his actions, accepted that, and decided to move on with MY life. Very freeing.
I am trying so hard to do this. Tonight, sadly, I took the bait, reacted and have been in bits for hours. He took the advantage and I feel as though I am a massive problem. This is not living, its hell.
@@triciapotter3331 - you can, and WILL, settle back and find your peace within. That will allow you to stop "taking the bait". I have complete confidence in you to have the life and peace that you deserve
Sadly I went toe-to-toe with my ex in the divorce, because I was the one who earned the majority of our asset base; though it was all earned after I married him at just over age 18. 32 years of relationship; the first 10 years were fun and entertaining but the years of child-rearing where I worked full-time and really raised HIM and our kids was not fun. as he aged, he got mean. OH how I wish I had had a resource such as this to give me CALM CONFIDENCE in a divorce. He pulled every trick, he was a dirty paranoid fighter and I gave up far more territory - just to get away.
@@triciapotter3331 It is hell, and they are vicious fighters.
While dealing with a Narcissist, you will hear lots of accusations. Some of them are very direct, like "Your family is nuts!", "You are just like your mother/father!", others are more subtle, but repeated over and over again, like "I don't understand, why you are doing it like this?!"
What impacts do these accusations have onto you?
> Are you getting defensive?
> Do you get angry?
> Are you going to end up in arguments?
> Do you withdrawl?
> Do you appease?
> Are you bitter and filled with contempt?
What can you do most effective?
》Push your reset-button, cause you need to get your mind in the right place:
1. Remind yourself who you are dealing with
2. Stop justifying and defending
3. Become grounded in reality
4. Determine the characteristics you want to be known for
5. Anticipate in advance common sense, then mentally rehease your healthy traits
6. Commit to calm confidence
("I am comfortable with who I
am.")
7. Move forward with your sensible
behaviours
8. Set your boundaries
9. Individualize your own efforts
Be aware:
》Narcs will never change
》They are playing their own inner
chaos onto you
》Entitlement inhibits their objectivity
》They create tension, yet they are playing the victim
》For them truth is whatever suites them in the moment
Dr Carter 👨🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈
You rock, Roxy.
@@aaronkwolfe Once again, thanks for your motivation on this one, Aron 🙏
You are so good, Roxy!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thanks, Dr Carter! That's very kind.
This is a beautiful summary, Roxy.
I'd like to borrow it and incorporate it into some of the discussions I have, and credit you. Would it be possible?
"it's too bad you feel that way.". Best response ever to false accusations. They can lay out the poison but I don't have to touch it.
They are not objective. Eventually, their opinions/false accusations reveal their own inner chaos 🎯 Feed them silence. Eventually, you see how irrelevant they are.
Jesus was wrongly accused ( Mat.27:12)
God knows my case.
I read somewhere that if you were faced with a healthy person who had genuine issues with you, like unmet needs, crossed boundaries, anything really... They wouldn't spend years and years accusing you, degrading or ridiculing you and fighting you at every turn despite all of your best efforts. If your best was still not good enough THEY WOULD LEAVE.
That was a huge eye opener for me so I want to share it for anyone else who needs to hear it.
Limit all time with a narcissist. Close all entry points.
Before 3years of age, I don't know who they blamed. My memories begin at 3. Since then They place all blame on me. They are always the victim of everything in,their lives.
Learn to have no response.
4:09-4:25 The main problem with a person who suffers from NPD is that they absolutely do not and will not have insight into themselves. It's unbelievable that someone cannot perceive themselves in this manner, but as long as it is you versus them, they will not attribute anything negative to themselves.
They perceive themselves....in you.
Run for your life should be your response!!!
What good would that do?
Narcissists ( especiall
y Jezebel types) have Huge followers
---once you've been wrongly accused to the authorities by
narcissist Jezebel types
I am working on my desire to say exactly what I think about them when I am accused for calling out their lies and incompetence.
I had 2 narcissistic parents. They aren’t capable of real love. My Heavenly Father taught me what love is like.
So pleased you are on the other side of that issue! Your spiritual focus is vital.
Does the narcissist really think their victims are idiots? Aren't they often triggered by other people's intelligence and confidence?
Good question. I think, as Les says either here or another session, the narc thinks that we think the way THEY do. It's completely bizarre and irrational, but they do. So they believe that we will rationalize things as they do. Maybe deep down they know that they are irrational but they do believe they are brilliant. So they don't think we're idiots, no. They think WE are the evil one but for them intelligence is bound up with 'evil intent' so our intelligence is as dangerous as theirs is. I don't even know if that makes sense. My narc sister does say that I am stupid and she believes it. At the same time she absolutely fears me because I have nearly four college degrees (so there must be SOME intelligence there), but to her it's a different kind of intelligencel. It is inferior to her greater kind of intelligence, which is (of course) underhanded yet also justified because (of course) I'm the evil one.
It's so hard to explain these people, isn't it? Personally, I don't think they are simply disordered. I think there is something else there that defies 'science'.
My experience is that they are often attracted to confident and intelligent people, and once they have gotten their hooks into someone, they spend the rest of the relationship trying to break this person down. It's a game to them, and apparently, they the challenge. They must "win" at all costs.
My feelings are if you dare stop being their supply or paying attention to them is when the false accusations begin. When they finally get it that your life is just fine without them it will so enrage them that striking out and emotional outbursts will be their recourse since they have zero control over their emotions and need to control everyone around them.
That's a brilliantly described piece of insight! Congratulations. 😊🎉
Can I add, though, that there are "self-disciplined" narks whom I have, ahem, met...They are sometimes religious narks, "virtuous" or "Napoleon-type" despotic narks who want to rule & reign over their community/family with their version of the world, (which just happens to put you in the doghouse,) since you threaten their "ideology"..
Deeply concealed in their psyche, behind the veneer of virtue/idealism, is that nasty mix of envy, victimhood, fury & superiority which they all contain...(Yawn..)
I guess a prime example would be the characterisation of the Pharisees in the New Testament, who were shown to be murderous & mean-spirited, behind a veneer of extreme religious discipline, which had not purified their cruel hearts, or taken away their selfish self-righteousness.. always out to prove their superiority.
.. compared to the characterisation of Christ, as Good Shepherd, who was willing to lay down His life, out of love, for His flock...
@@eyesopen-paintbrush-full298
Amen!
So many Narcs in the Bible. King Saul. Haman. Jezebel. Pharisees. Herod the Great.
Today’s increased level of Narcissism is not really a shock though. 2 Timothy 3 💯
Yep. This is where I am at.
Restraing orders may be helpful.
Ive only met narcs in the last 2 yrs, albeit i dont socialize much, my best friend and bf ...one had me suicidal 2021-2023, the other ran off with a yrs worth of my income a month ago.
Im so tired of falling prey, im gonna have a heart attack or stroke from being angry over injustices
I ask my narc/sis "If I'm so terrible, why are you living with me and renting space from me?"
Never an answer.
I would ask the same, deer in the headlights stare. Then it would be twisted as for what I said.
My in-laws (12 of them and their flying monkeys) are toxic narcissists- I have the option of no contact so that’s what I do now
Yes, it seems to be a family pattern. The children learn it from their parents. I'm dealing with such a family right now, neighbours though, fortunately not relatives.
When I was finally able to recognize that he was not a psychologically normal person, it made all the difference. Everything I had ever tried had failed because it was all geared to how a normal person would behave or react. So I'd be surprised and confused when he didn't behave or react that way. Then one day it just hit me that he's NOT normal. I started making a mental note of how HE would behave or react. Then, miraculously, he became PREDICTABLE. What was funny was that he thought he was being so spontaneous or unpredictable, but I knew exactly what to expect. It gave me so much of my power back.
It really is a great thing when you can see what they're trying to do and not take the bait. Good for you!
"Please don't feed the narcissist."...works for the zoo
My favorite after being falsely accused of cheating (for the nteenth time) was being told that if it wasn't true I wouldn't be so upset about the accusation
Once their own False Self is fully intact, "truth" becomes a commodity for manipulation.
Aha, great episode! Bruce Lee spoke of this approach to conflict when he said "Be Like Water"
“Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”
🎯 Precisely 😊
Great advice. And, IMO it depends on circumstances. I am a Cancerian mom of a Sag narcissist daughter. I've been like water with her for 40 years. A therapist recently said, call her out every time she is abusive. I texted her the other day: I see right through your passive-aggressive narcissistic abuse. Silence... 🙏
I wish I had access to your advice 30 years ago. I’m so glad I do now.
My mother called me out of the blue one day and accused me of saying something to her she didn’t like - 30 years ago! When I told her I never said what she claimed, she said, “Now, now. You know you did.” Unbelievable.
Gus moved ! 😂😂. First time I’ve seen him do that. Scratch , a glance , ‘oh, you’re still doing that are you ?’ And back to sleep 😂😂😂. Love it. 😊
"Narrative in the moment"
And it endlessly changes.
After so much of it for so long, I have learned to silently laugh at it.
Yes, it went form the public narrative that it was serviced to the email (confession) narrative wasn't, then from being a "good deed" to a long winded rant about how I'd have been charged hundreds of dollars and with not even a thank you or an offer of a fifty dollar bill. Then triangulates others to testify on their behalf by inventing something they never said nor aware that they are being triangulated.
@@nmHispana I do not engage with narcissists. They are pigs in the mud.
It's like dealing with a black hole that sucks you in.🌑
They're the pit s
After 5 yrs trying divorce, with every accusation you can think of including the law, and a few you haven’t thought of!
I still answer the same way: I know what I said/did and I can sleep soundly with my conscience. Period!
So very grateful for your excellent educational videos. My sister is a narcissist. I am 59, she is 60. Looking back, I have spent my whole life working for and hoping for a great sister relationship. Now I finally understand the futility of that hope. I also see now how she projects her lack of trustworthiness and integrity onto me. I never understood before, but now I see, that her capacity to take what she wants - makes her project that quality onto me and she acts like I can not be trusted. My mom, who recently passed, always called my sister the “Taker” in the family - she nailed it without knowing the term narcissist, but knowing the characteristics. Now that I have decided and resolved to step back as much as I possibly can, I wonder if she will search for a new victim to exercise her cruelty on. I so appreciate the comments and finding that I am not alone in this experience. And Dr. C you are so generous and wise. Much gratitude,
In time, after 14 years of being accused of being such a worthless piece of trash....by an adulteress wife......
....and when I FINALLY stood up to her for HER sake, and she left me.....
I realized, (in time) my gosh, what love I had for her. It may sound arrogant, to a narcissist....
....but again I say (IN TIME) I realized I MUST be a loving person to have endured all that witchcraft.....
...and never gave into hated against her, never struck her, never retaliated, never cheated...
Even when I try to be calm and collected I'm told Im cockey and arrogant. I can't win. Its not even about being a winner or looser, i just want a happy, healthy relationship with the person I married. I feel like there is a hole inside of me.
Listen to what they say, its actually what they have done or planned on doing, they also love to project their fears on to you as well
My second ex husband during our divorce told me I was such a lousy person and mother and are you sure you don’t want to stay together is what he followed it by.
He didn’t get what I meant when I said
Need a shovel?
After I quit playing into a family of narc's expectations for nearly 20 years, I finally said no. I was then accused of being mentally unhealthy, when most of the people surrounding this person are not mentally healthy. Pure projection! I am more mentally healthy than I have been since I was 18 and got myself into the mess that I was in. So glad to be mostly free by going very low contact. I do still work with some, but I can tolerate it a bit better since I don't have to live with it at home. I was pushed to the edge and finally had to say "NO MORE." It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but worth it for my sanity and peace. I now use this experience to let others know that they don't have to put up with being treated poorly just because people are family.
Especially if the family member, keeps you from your own granchildren, taking away gifts for them, and lying to them, about you. It's heartbreaking, to have to detach
@@jeanweber7899We have the right and the obligation to protect our children from abusers. *Our parents are known abusers and as a result we will NOT expose them to our estranged parents who abused us.* The cycle of abuse ends here, now and with US. If we as adults can no longer tolerate your abuse and as a result you have destroyed your relationship with us, your adult offspring we absolutely will not expose children to your predation. This is a YOU problem.
@@jeanweber7899 I know your pain. And every little (second-hand) insight into how it affects your grandchildren is even more heartbreaking, seeing the next generation being messed up too....
That has been a tough one for me too. Just realizing that people are not going to change, I can't help them...this is life-changing.
I just lose my best friend and husband because of his false accusations…it hurts because I actually love him but I have to leave him because I just can’t take the disrespect and false promises
It took 7 months to find myself again. Something just clicked and im not bothered anymore by what they do, say or act. Thank you for helping all of us out here, who've found ourselves entangled with these cruel people. To anyone reading this pkease keep going it will get better. Detach, let them suffer alone. You dont have to do it anymore.
Truth is whatever suits their narrative in the moment. I have told my narc this all the time. His story changes and he can contradict himself based on what he needs at that moment. He can say he and his brother have a great relationship and hardly ever fight when hes trying to show that hes an easy going guy. Then two weeks later he could say that his brother is short tempered and he can get him really mad really fast when he is trying to show that the fight with his brother wasnt his fault. Ok so which is it? He also brags about his salary when he is happy with work and things are going well. Then when hes frustrated he suddenly makes 20k less and they arent paying him enough for the stress. He is able to sit on the fence and constantly dip onto both sides whenever he likes.
🎯
Yes. They don’t live in the same reality as us.
EXACTLY!! I wanted to wear a police body cam, constantly recording, so I could prove he said such and such.
@@heathernewman5272 But then if you did, and you had endless proof, the conversation would just change to how you recorded him and it shows your crazy and what he says is right. You can Never win.
Yep!!! That's my life too!
These people really force you to work on and heal your own triggers to remain unbothered by that weird and poor bs they blabber all day long.
This is so enlightening. Our beautiful boy began this dark path at a very young age. Following his biological father's footsteps. I've never had anyone understand who my adult child is so clearly. He is in his mid 30s. This has literally changed my life. His first doctor at age 11 said that our son had rare and dangerous signs, the inability to feel empathy and the inability to take responsibility. Then he told us our insurance would no longer cover a bed so good luck. We worked with therapists, doctors anyone willing to help. But he refused to take his medicine saying he didn't like how it made him feel and that he thought everyone was against him. Flash forward 30 years... He threatened our lives. In letters to us over and over again in graphic detail. He has these outlandish stories about us he completely makes up. And in return, he inevitably finds someone that believes him. This has been his strategy for a long time. He is incredibly smart. Yet also has the maturity of a 16 year old.
We love him so much, we tried so many things, medicine, behavioral charts, doctors, therapists, holistic approaches, even a hippie place called the open mind center. Everyone would buy into his story at first. But within a few months they could no longer handle his behavior. He burns bridges and then finds new people who will feel sorry for him.
We are so heartbroken and allowed horrible abusive behavior for 20 years from him because we understood he was sick and we still had hope he could get better.
That hope is not gone. Actually we helped a group of people pay for treatment back in December. Within 2 weeks he was kicked out of 3 treatment centers.
I still have hope he gets better but we will no longer remain his punching bag and after the death threats we became concerned for our families safety.
Your words have been incredibly healing and while I can't afford therapy, I'd love to just at least send you a check or a thank you card for helping us think clearly and heal from this trauma.
His brain is wired differently. Do some research. You are up against a wall. Protect yourself.
It’s a shame that we need to seek counseling in order to deal with the crazies. But we do.
This is just in time! I have a custody trial next week and I know what some of the silly things that will be said, but I need to be ready to react well to the ones that I can't predict and will be so outrageous I'm going to have to really steel myself from any reaction.
I know how you feel. I take videos of ALL my visits. My wife is gonna look like the lying clown she is.
It reminds me of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice and how useful a ladie's fan would be presently to conceal the raw anger in court that arises as many narc's enjoy triggering... speaking as a woman.
Practice. And good luck! Hope all goes well.
Don't act too happy in front of the narcissist. They get furious when you are happy. They are very sick.
I have been there. I was nervous leading up to the very important event in court. So stressful.!! However, when I got there a calmness came over me. I was rooted and felt a kind of freedom when it was my time to speak. This is because dear I spoke the simple yet very important TRUTH.!!!!!
why does nobody talk about when people faulsly accuse someone of being a narcissist not saying the accuser is or is not a narcissist themselfs but the effects it has on those who are faulsly accused and how to deal with it
Omg you're hitting me really hard with their "Selective memories"... the double standards and insane hypocrisy were the red herring that sent me over the edge.
but how can you not defend yourself when they trie to convince other people you are the physical and mental abuser and trie to put you in jail??
5 years ago I left my narc husband. The next year I lost my son to Fentanyl. His step son. My ex was very much jealous of our relationship. He claimed I never put him first. So after losing my son I felt maybe I needed to go back to him for the sake of our daughter. I was deep in grief and guilt. So three weeks after losing our son , he raised him since he was 3 and my son passed away at 19. We went to dinner and he could only focus on him and why he should allow me back basically. I started crying and left as I was in a public place. This angered him and he said if I would have been a better parent my /our son might still be here. Just one of many examples of how he uses his words as weapons. 5 years later just told me again I’m a bad parent. Im much better at letting his perception of me not define me. It still hurts but I don’t let him know. My mom died when I was two and my dad left me. My whole life I longed to be a mom and I know I am.
Get the hell away from that fk. 🤬 Don't live that way. For Yourself.
Sorry for your loss.
@@brucebooker2227thank you
It's really hard when the narcissist is a family member taking advantage of an elderly parent who is trauma bonded with them.
For 6 years I was insulted, punished, isolated from my adult child and my grandchildren. You say detach: How can we detach from our own blood and our own family .
its a sad, sad situation. We have been shut out for 7-8 years by one son bcz we declined to cosign a large loan,, and recently "ripped a new one" by our other son who just had his first child whose birth he never announced and whose birthdate we dont know. He apparently got offended many months ago around when my husband was having surgery and then ignored all texts and a phone message until hubby sent Merry Christmas text and boom! a rant that seems to cut us off forever. I give it all to God and pray every night for them all to be blessed. You simply must forgive, release, and live forward in gratitude, always hoping for a resolution. God bless ❤️🙏❤️