One Question A Narcissist Won't Answer, Ever
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- Опубліковано 16 жов 2024
- Have you ever been met by frustrations? Plans that faltered? People who disappoint? Of course you have, just as all do. What sets healthy from unhealthy people apart is the way they respond to those circumstances. Dr. Les Carter highlights one pivotal question narcissists cannot and will not ask in less-than-ideal situations.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his UA-cam channel, his videos have received more than 100 million views.
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That’s why narcissists NEVER GROW - instead they rot on the inside
True.
Yes, I agree.
I have a little ving sister who is imploding. And it's her strength, unfortunately 😢
Narcissist stay in Neutral!!!! They don’t move unless you push or exert all your energy. Once you stop pushing, the Narcissist roll back until you push again!
Yes they do...psychologically & physically!
💯
Im laughing (to myself) at the thought of the reaction I’d get if I’d ever asked, “Is this the best I can expect from you?”
Ditto ❤
I believe the look you would get would be dumbfounded. Like you are speaking Martian !
I love it ! 😂🎉
😂 That question just resulted in an emotional rant in diminishing insults.
Warning: You better be sure YOU are not the narcissist before asking that. 😆Lol!
‘If you’d just agree with me there would be no need for me to get angry’
That's the mantra they lived by, and it will always be that way.. You MUST agree with them, or they throw a loud, obnoxious temper tantrum, OR they get covert payback! They even do it to others around them! If they're buying a donut and the cashier says, I think these are the best tasting, they will stand there and literally argue about WHY their favorite donut is the BEST! 🙄
And do as I say, just obey, and everything will be great for the narcissist anyway
Always the blame game.. never his fault. belittling. Blaming. ALL THis!
Why? They won't give you any explanation but you have to justify yourself to the death!!!
You are never allowed to ask any "Why" question to any Narc 😁 because the result will always be aggression 🙄
And yes, "justifying yourself to death" will make you lose life energy for you actually focus on them and not on yourself, which was their ultimative goal right from the start. 😏
Wishing you an energetic weekend, Amanda❣🫂
@roxymovie3938 Yes. They like the spotlight on themselves but not in a questionable sort of way.
Have a great weekend Roxy 🤗❤️
@@amandaliverpool3374 Thanks, Amanda❣
@DenisGuay99 Yes is exhausting 😴
My sister makes me feel like I have to explain everything to her
Gus looks so chill!
When asked anything ~ their internal *lies fabricator* immediately switches on.
If you look closely enough, you'll see the indicator lamp glowing behind their shark eyes.
it's like a 10 year old kid is trying to not "get in trouble" and will lie and do anything to not be "in trouble."
My poor mother (and I mean that) in her latter years looked at me and said, "if you were doing everything you're supposed to, (whatever that meant)I would be happy." I told her that she was responsible for her own happiness and there was no way I could take responsibility for it. She looked at me like I had slapped her with a wet fish. I can remember standing there thinking how pitiful she was to be so convinced of what she said.
I hear ya on this one 🤦. I stepped back and felt so sorry for her. 😞
They are pitiful to the core! I was born to fulfill her and even then, she has told me I ruined her body!! 😮
I could have written that word for word everything you said I feel your pain my mother would make me out to be the cruelest person in the world and I often believed that she believed it. She died without me ever getting any answers or an apology or a regret and that was her ultimate dig she got in on me is that she left this world and left me with an open-ended question and no resolve for anything she ever did. That was the cruelest thing that she could have done and never did do
@@cwarren9449 I am so sorry, yes, it's a very painful experience. Unless someone has been there they really don't understand. Just know there are those who do understand and validate you. There's something healing in both giving and receiving that.
so, are you blaming your mother because she had hopes and dreams for you when she gave birth to you? i’m not blaming you for anything other than perhaps your not being objective and feeling that you didn’t fulfill what your potential should have been.
all i’m implying is 2 people have 2 differing views and there is nothing wrong with that.
going forward, lead the best life you can that your mom would be proud of.
It really is exhausting. Feel like you just can't get through to them that their behaviour is wrong.
“Exhausted/exhausting”are my only words. It’s my only feelings, any more. I escape to the loving care, of my horses, twice daily. They fill me up so I can face things before their next feeding.
Always dreamed of owning horses...I can imagine what comfort they bring..
Establish boundaries, that will bring you peace. It will be hard but it's essential. I have 3 default positions if I don't know what to do when being faced with a toxic person
1. "I don't negotiate with terrorists". I actually say it to them.
2. Ignore them
3. Physically leave their presence while not acknowledging anything being asserted.
My horses have saved my sanity....
That's good that you can escape to be with your horses. Animals can be very calming, stablizing & they are 'real' ~ no hidden agendas; nothing to prove & no need to be anything but who/what they are! "Animals are such wonderful people." Relaxing with them & how they truly love you, is a very good healing from what Narcissistic people put out there & put us thru. Never any heartfelt apologies from the Narci ~ since they never can admit, or think they are wrong.
My fear is that if I do live long enuff to try & go out alone in the world, where "normal" people are, I won't know how to converse normally, calmly, without projecting fear & mistrust. I don't see me ever able to trust anyone again after all the deceit & betrayal; then watching it all come crashing down in ongoing slow-mo.
I wonder if the big ol' knife sticking out of my chest + gaping chest wound might be a deterrent?? LOL
@@SnarkasticSunny "My fear is that if I do live long enuff to try & go out alone in the world, where "normal" people are, I won't know how to converse normally, calmly, without projecting fear & mistrust."
You'll be joyously surprised at how quickly you learn.
My mother would say to me or my sister, “What’s wrong with you?” ….often. We grew up thinking that everything was our fault .
I'd asked my narc this a few times over the course of our relationship when he'd constantly & consistently flip out on me. It wasn't in any way to imply that "everything was his fault", but to ASK why he was reacting so "violently" to something that was not worth reacting so awfully to in that instance. He used to behave so awfully, but claimed "not everything is my fault", although he would blow up over nothing when everyone was simply having a good time. So this takes on a different ring with me.
Our family said " whats WRONG with you now!" or, YOU DON'T know a THING!" not great encouragers!🤢eeeeek
@GypsyNative
"Not everything is my fault,"
It's YOUR fault. 😵💫
‘What’s wrong with you?’ constantly rolled off my mother’s tongue too! I know now she was projecting and avoiding her own inner turmoil.
“A person of peace” is a wonderful catchphrase 👍🏻
Well, Dr Carter DRC (Dignity Respect Civility) said that we're giving out to people and we notice we're not getting any of that back, and I just remembered how subtle some such pointers can be hidden in interaction with others and we're trying to get early warning signs that are covered up with masking. But the signs are there.
Amen to that!
Seek Peace and pursue it - Psalm 34:14
Narcissist dont answer any questions, really.
Very true!
My X husband the narcissist ( he called me a narcissist) when I asked a question he'd answer my ? With a ? So frustrating and crazy making
@@maryjankowski9032That sounded like a projection, as if at an unconscious level, he knew he is a narcissist!
👏👏👏1000%💥💥
Their narrative cannot be questioned! They are very fragile cowards
I was my Cnarc mother's door mat scapegoat well into my twenties . She certainly never sensed in any way that I had outgrown her lies, projection and raging and wasn't going to put up with it anymore . Anytime there was an attempt by me to discuss the never-ending conflict , I was screamed at until the issue was quashed at that moment . I went NO CONTACT at age 26 . Her daily verbal and emotional abuse left me with almost no social skills , trust in people or self regard. - just as she wanted I guess . Abuse was literally the best I could expect from her . These are truly evil people who enjoy tormenting others .
My narcissist is like the Terminator, no matter how many times I told him to buzz off, he never gives up, he never stops trying to dominate and control me
This is the part you're probably not understanding: you play a part in that. If you truly aren't interested in 'fixing' things, going completely Grey Rock will work..eventually. If you occasionally supply them with inputs, you'll get more and more toxicity until they've broke you down.
@@charging7 I hear you, it's absolutely impossible to break me down though. I do like the drama also, whoever tries to dominate me I like to turn it around and dominate them. I don't seek to control and
dominate people, I just like to bully the bully, that gets me feeling all warm and fuzzy inside 🥰.
Thanks for the advice though, I appreciate that and I agree with you, grey Rock is a good way to go. I use that tactic on my narcissist sometimes but I use other methods as well as
I hear ya, and I was the same in some ways. It made me feel good to have him on the defensive and to feel the consequences of his actions. He never got it though. He would revert back to being toxic and would bait me into arguments. It never ends unless you stop talking to them.
@@josereyes1148 100% true, they're amazing creatures
@@Rileyed you are being narcissistic by telling me what I should and shouldn't do.
Hugs and kisses for OUR Gus.
Woof!
Feel better, sweet guy!
Yes!!! Spot on as usual! No accountability. Alternate reality sums it up. I am told I am the problem, I am mentally ill, I am crazy, need professional help, I am darkness, what is he going to do with me.... All my fault and he is the victim. Zero self reflection only what is wrong with me. Kids take on his support emotionally and financially and argue his case to me. Breaks my heart
i been hearing from wife 25 yrs your nuts no one else get mad love you and love him hows that take away from you her friends family has heard nothing but bad about me anything thats ever gone wrong my fault now kids are grown i been set aside everyone thinks she awesome and ones that dont arent welcome
I feel for you 😢 stay strong & believe in yourself, it's not you ❤
I asked myself and God, "What's wrong with me? What part did I play? Stop being a walking mat. That isn't humility. It is somewhat of the Stockholm Syndrome. I need to understand the narc and these situations, because I will encounter them again thru somebody else. I have to pass the class by establishing boundaries. The root of allowing the abuse is my upbringing; whereby, it's OK and normal to be toxic and accept toxic relationships.
You hit the nail on the head. ❤️🩹
💯🎯
My situation as well! May God help us and heal us!
I lived by not wanting material things but to be strong in my faith, to be devoted to my family, and friends, and experiences. That was so good.
Unfortunately, what I wanted was not wanted for me. They knew what they were doing all along. One person can destroy a whole family.
You realize everything your doing, and how you are making ends meet. Once you realize that you were expected to be The Giving Tree, it's really too late. Now your left picking up sticks of what you thought you were building!
We are people, not gods.
Isn't this what God does for us? He is merciful and works with us where we are.
I don't mean to offend, I'm just thinking.
@@t_nelsthank you for sharing your thoughts
Mine often told me “I’m amazed at your ability to self reflect”. If I knew then what I know now, I should have run. She had no ability to do so. Nothing but correcting, condescending and contrary responses and zero fault EVER.
I wish they would learn about themselves and get help. Here we are, thinking of others, reflecting, learning boundaries, etc. At least we are on the hopeful side. 🥰💕❤
TRUE !
They are clueless, lost in space.
💯🫂
If they looked within, I wonder if they will find anything. I have been studying my Mom since i was a kid. I am fifty plus now. All the time I have seen her only projecting her version of reality to the world and losing it if things did not go her way. She learnt subtle ways of changing the narrative to keep us in confusion and control. It was all about how she manipulated the outside world. Now that she is ailing and old, she is miserable as she is unable to find inner strength and peace, but has found new ways of manipulation by playing the old ailing lady victim card...and she is milking this for all it's worth
@@earthrooster1969 They are void. My husband told me my father asked him to help my mother go through everything to sell (after he is gone). This has me sick. My dad doesn't know what he is asking.
My narcissistic husband just HAS to have a daily tantrum. He tries so hard to make me as miserable as he is. Thank God I have learned how to navigate his fits. I am working on GREY ROCK, removing myself without confrontation and conversation. I leave and PRAY, and regain my peace.
My Narc2 is on 'his last leg' very tired in the mornings. I tell him to get angry about anything to get his energy back. I mean it or am i sarcastic? Answer from him: That's easy with you..
My Narc1 tells me we hate her while keeping her at arm's length. I never felt hate in my life, only worthlessness, but, with Dr Carter's teaching i find (inner) peace. I always want to hear that last word in his videos. Makes me smile. It works.
I understand I have a narcissist husband 45 years it’s been HORRIBLE but I turn to Allah Swt for peace
I was discarded on January 4th by who I now realise was a narcissist. He would have tantrums and frustrations mainly around technology and would expect me to help and fix it, then almost blame me when I tried to help. There were other factors leading to our breakup, but basically I didn't give him enough attention.
In therapy two weeks now and would recommend anyone in this kind of toxic relationship to disengage and /or get out. You would be surprised at the strength you will find. I have already got more energy. Doing more things for myself. Reengaging with the world and other people.
My therapist said my face was getting lighter and happier.
Looking back I see that I was orbiting him. He was central.
Last week I had an vision that he was dragging me down with his weight underwater after his rusty tugboat sank. Meanwhile my glistening catamaran sailboat was waiting alongside for me to board and sail away.
.
Sail away from the narcissist everyone.
@@taizymcc What a descriptive vision! And good advice.😇
You need to remove yourself from the situation unless you enjoy abuse.
My Mum expects, expects, expects...i have had to distance myself, but when i do go over to see my parents, everything is still the same, nothing changes... they dont listen or talk about anything i want to say, they dont seem to be happy that I'm happy now.... theres so much to this, very draining...
I say to myself often, “I am the only person responsible for my powerful feelings about things, me!”.
Very good question, Joe! 🙏💛🙏
Just moved my husbands mother (and his abuser) into our home for end of life care... Your videos are saving my life! All her life, and to the very end she is being the classic narcissist she's always been. Thanks for the insight, and also good laughs as you describe her in every ... single ... video! I can only control my reaction .. Thanks again!
You're quite welcome!
Just Love her. I pray for your Husband's forgiveness towards her. I pray you can be the leader in this end of life. She birthed the man you Love. 🌟💙🙏
@@cynthialeahy5225sick twist to this situation that you aren’t a part of… she’s not justified period. Abuse isn’t excusable ever. You need to take your head out of the sand plz
Bless YOU for giving a real gift to someone who has been an awful human being. You have a beautiful soul!! Sending lots of emotional support your way to be able to distance yourself from taking any negative energy personally.
@@cynthialeahy5225 This is why she is here. It's about love and forgiveness despite herself. We couldn't let her lay there and die alone .. despite herself. I appreciate your comment.
Yes this is how my ex is! He just yells and yells to shift the focus from himself. Shame and blame is the name of his game.
Groundhog day every day of the year to the minute
Omg YES
They thought it hilarious when they said, "I didn't say you did it. I said I'm blaming you." That was when they weren't angry. When mad, they just went straight to the punishment. We were always wrong. Always blamed. Always punished. And seemingly honestly unaware why it was not ok with me. Why I left their "care."
My narcissistic mother used all the strategies you mentioned! She was a monster! Me and my brother were expected to wait on her hand and foot whenever she wanted because "I bore both of you! You owe me! Honor thy mother!" Yes, she was insane!! We told her multiple times that she didn't want sons, she wanted robots! She passed away 2 years ago, but the effects of 50+ years of her torture lingers on. Again, thank you Dr. C. You are a Godsend!!
Go Team Healthy! Rooting for you ✨️
So interesting. I asked my pal what he'd learned after a brush with death: brain bleed, stroked out on the operating table, and so on. He looked at me like I was insane. No outpouring of gratitude to be alive. No spiritual revelations. No inner discussion at all.
'Exhausting' is right - it is very exhausting......
Very exhausting.
"Conflict and difficulty is a classroom, not a battlefield." YESSSSSSSS!
I saw my narcissistic mother in everything you just said. I'm grateful that she is not in my life by my choice, and I'm on my spiritual healing journey 🙏 Thank you so very much ❤️
Ditto
Wishing you peace.
@@sharonjones5173 Thank you and blessings to you 🙏
@@billstewart1747 Thank you and blessings to you 🙏
Honestly, I think by me being able to answer this question is why my husband married me. His mom is a textbook narcissist and he finds peace in my spoke truths and moments of vulnerability. It was so bad in the beginning of our relationship because my husband thought that I was faking my emotions to try and manipulate him. I explained that I’m expressing how I feel, that’s it. I’m not looking for a solution from you or a change in behavior. You’re my partner and I want you to know what’s in my heart. It took years, but now my husband expresses his feelings and emotions because he knows it’s safe to do now.
Wow, I know it took a while in coming, but what a blessing! I pray your love is blessed richly!
Are we: “Living in the Age of Projection?”
It’s everywhere!
Yes, we are. Projection & their refusal to take responsibility, or consider it from a different POV.
Narcissism meanwhile, has become a pandemic, spreading faster than Covid ever did! People who weren't narci, are becoming narci & of course, unaware of that. They couldn't see themselves as superior to rest of us & 100% faultless, if they accept they're now narcissists. For that, most assuredly, is a FLAW!
People can be self-absorbed, demanding, cruel, self-righteous...think they're always right & can play the victim. Those are just traits that some people have. Any of those traits is not necessarily a narcissist. (Might be a sign of what's to come tho?) A narcissist is all that & more...& it seems to dominate them once you get to know them, something they cannot change/control, nor see any need to.
"A disease without a cure." Their disease can make YOU sick & suffer!
Narcissism is running rampant here in the USA! Is it now becoming 'normalized'? Maybe so, cuz' millions of people intend to put the poster child for "Malignant Narcissist" back in the Oval Office & do not care what he is, does, or has done already & has openly said he plans to do. Many people do not see anything wrong with his words/actions & want him as leader! As if his behavior IS NORMAL & a goid thing. So, maybe we are becoming too used to narcissism & accepting of it. God, I hope not!
While we need to be aware of narcissism spreading, we also must take great care that we don't confuse having 1 of those traits, as then being "narcissist" ~ either Malignant or Covert. Some people are just self-absorbed...cruel...bullies...highly critical...feel entitled...&/or superior to rest of us. Those traits are not new...people can have 1 or 2 & it's annoying perhaps. But Narcissism is all of that together & then some maybe. (IMHO anyway.)
We don't want to run the risk of over-labeling every person that may have undesirable traits, as true Narcissists.
The Bible says that people will be lovers of themselves. Last days!
@@jayneking8340 Yes. sure does! They use projection tactics to divert neg. attention to the members of other House Party Congress, away from what the...!
So frustrating to deal with.
Ask : “ what is one area that you could improve in your character “
Futility .Expect mushy wordsalad,or an echo,or be dragged further into his tunnel of trouble.
Their team could be hitting many home runs, but they are obsessed with a strike out.
Afrer school mass shooting we had many narcissistic people here, they externalized that problem towards shooter (underage boy).
Don't even get me started on that topic. Too many decision makers have astonishingly poor insight about these killing tools.
'What was my contribution to this messy situation?' They believe they are Teflon coated & nothing ever sticks to them.
Nice analogy. They create sticky situations for others though
A lot of the time narcissists do evade consequences .
Yes, I learned in a conflict resolution class that each side must "acknowledge our 2%". Basically to not forget to be honest with ourself and own contributions to the problem. If either one can't do at least that, ur doomed! \m/
What I learned is that the world doesn't revolve around me. I've been a much happier person ever since.
I would just have wanted honesty from my husband. Just once. Breaks my heart.
Recently, I left a relationship with a Narc. I went thru all the 3 stages of idealization, devaluation, and discard so quickly.
It’s still such a trauma bond, but getting better daily thanks to your videos. I’m learning about how to follow my intuition and how to set boundaries moving forward.
My last gf had no respect for boundaries, or my property,or my feelings, or my needs. Very exhausting. Glad that is over, I have never been so disrespected in my life.i. My home to boot.
when the narcissist is dead silent when asked about previous relationships...
The blank stare-- the first thing I saw him do the first day I met him, when a friend asked him about another lady. Of course, he completely lied to them, and to me! Wish I'd known then what I know now...
I needed to hear this. I have narc traits and have hurt quite a few people, especially my wife. I am in AA and staying sober, but growing takes so much more. It is about not feeling entitled to anything, and realizing I have a wife and a family in spite of myself. I will do a step 6 tonight.
keep on going👍🏼💥
You realize & are aware, so you are on track doing well. Good job!👍 Keep at it...🫠
At 68, I try not to contact my father too often, yet after a few weeks I think, "maybe he'll listen this time."
Today he called...yeah,right.
I have learned when you're dealing with a narcissist, it's the same thing over and over, it's just a different day, week, month or year.
Not too long ago, I asked my mother: “Have I ever done anything that you were proud of?” That question was deformed and twisted, triangulated, and followed by I cooked for you, braided your hair (which I hated, not only because she would hurt me doing so if my dad had come home late from work the night before or some other intern issue that bothered her, but also because I looked horrible with those stupid braids every damn day, she made me look ugly and insecure, and how I wanted my hair wasn’t taken into consideration at all), I made you clothes (not the ones I wanted), etc. And of course, I am the ungrateful, bad one… Wow. If I do have to come back to this planet, which I do not plan to, I sure as hell will not again go for an ESFJ mother and ISFJ brother.
My mother wouldn’t let me have long hair and showed me how special I was by leaving on vacations, without me, often gone for weeks. She tied it all up neatly in my early 20’s by telling me that all three of us children were mistakes and how she never wanted children and was jealous of my generations effective birth control. That was the discard phase of a narcissist. I’m honestly surprised I survived a reckless childhood after feeling so unimportant in my parents lives.
Thank you for telling this in with the Myers-Briggs if that's what you were referring to! Extremely helpful!
The narc will change the rules at will. You have to guess. You will never, or rarely will, feel things are good.
Agree,I call it hoop jumping.They present the hoop (for me to be OK with you,you must do this or react the way I need you to).
You jump through it and do or react as they desire.It’ll calm down for a little bit.
THEN suddenly, there is another problem or complaint and another hoop is presented and they aren’t OK with you at all.
And they just keep presenting.Nothing is ever OK. Eventually,the hoop jumping stops bc you grow weary of it or are in a phase of life where you literally can’t continue the cycle of jumping through one.
It’s never OK and it never ends, otherwise.
What am I learning about myself is question to be asked constantly. Or at least as soon as difficulty is met.🙏
Gus is helping you 😊. Thank you for all the valuable insights you give us !!
Haha. My mother had chronic pain and then diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. It was my fault. So I went to medical school, developed chronic pain, healed myself (not due to the medical establishment) and now she can’t stand that I enjoy so much in my life. She wanted me in pain
Dr. Les I just want to take a moment and say from the bottom of my heart THANK YOU for this channel and the amazing information and support you offer. You have been an integral part of me being able to understand and come to terms with the fact that I was in an abusive marriage and what exactly I was dealing with. I couldn’t understand my husband’s behavior for the life of me because it was so contradictory to who he portrayed himself to be. I was truly baffled and thought that I must have been the problem. Somehow I came across the term “Covert Narcissist” and it really changed everything for me. I just want to say THANK YOU🙏🏼❤️
You just made my day! Thank you and best wishes.
My experiencea are very similar, including my gratitude for the videos ❤
Love your pup watching you & looking at you with love💖
I love that dog on the sofa!
It's like asking an alcoholic or wife beater "why can't you just stop!"
And I say this for myself,
don't argue with manipulative people because they'll pull you down to their level & beat you with their experience.
So if they're not going to STOP
That means we have to, with what we have left and ask was it a blessing or a lesson and what was the lesson I learned?
And of course are my core values
*That* *bad* ?
And *why* ?
Thanks Dr. C 😊
They think they have you all figured out. They remind me of slithering snakes.
I think its the assumptions that drive ne a bit nuts! It almost forces you into permanent defense mode. Sadly if try to explain your honest views in a calm manner their eyes then head simply turns away! I am *done! Their assumptions are their own & hopefully others will eventually have the intelligence to see them for what they are?
Narc Boss would FREAK!
She is now working more diligently to undermine me to assert dominance (I am not playing/challenging) and degrade me in front of new hire, who is in glory status.
New hire, whom I work closely with and helped past the disorganization & chaos with great success, sees all. So, in that I am lucky, as the last person lasted 2 months.
As an elder working through a senior employment program, fully remote due to mobility challenges....this is how I remain housed!
Mostly am deeply saddened by HER version of me she project to all others in these ending years.
To add to my other comment. I used to call him “my love”. He didn’t like it and asked me ONCE to stop calling him that. I haven’t done it since and that was 10 years ago.
Sigh. Sometimes it’s a pleasure to do as they ask/command.
Seems like the dog on the couch has found his/her reality, which seems to be, “Keep talking - I just don’t care.”😂🙏
Gus is Mr. Zen.
What's WRONG with you? Because they never think they have a fault.
"I'm always right and you better accept that and not just to go along with it but make me feel I'm right, too." - my former narcissist.
Ugh.
My mother was such a tyrant and played all her children against each other and it all came back to bite her. We all moved far away from her, and she got dementia and died alone. The sad thing is she really had no idea why everybody left.
What you’re discussing in this video, combined with the unhelpful admixture of my own messed-up attachment issues, explains why I had to break off contact with my mother for a while at Christmas. It’s a sad situation, I’m lucky still to have her in my life and she’s an old woman now, but she’s emotional and psychological poison to me. I’m working hard on myself to resolve what I can and build up some resilience in order to be in a position to be able to try and rebuild a relationship with her before we run out of time.
Dont exhaust yourself on us, we need you..Dr.C..
I'm not sure. My ex narc overreacted to any question asked.
They hate beeing asked questios for they are the ones to have to be in control 😉
@@roxymovie3938 It makes them very difficult to communicate with.
@@Hatbox948 yes, in fact, you can not communicate with them at all because they permanently are just listening to themselves. There is no space left for you!
I've lived this! Left wondering every single day...
When I was counseling, people with narcissistic behaviors would always talk behind my back.I never brought this up when visiting them.Then my care Lans for them were better. Many of these people made it a point to tell others ,how I helped them.😊
Whenever I confronted my narc mom with lies or deception she committed or abusive things she had done, she would tell me that she lived in a world of her own and she chose to remember only the good things about herself. Truly insane.......
I don’t remember That…
At least she was "honest" about that.
@@susanhartline7539 She was honest about her dishonesty. She refused to acknowledge her abusive actions.
Gus is 100% in the flow, in the actual moment…😅🎉❤
Oh my goodness..I feel like Dr Carter has had a Birds Eye view of my painfully narcissistic brother looming control over my entire family. EVERYTHING he said is completely on point. What a painful process this is coming from a very large, close family. Thank you Dr Carter for all you do to help bring this truth to the world. It has helped me tremendously.
Thank you 😊: again: thank you 😊
You're welcome, Michelle!
I once asked my mother the narc. What is that you want? What do you need? Blank no answer only insanity
Thanks for reassuring me that I’ve done the right thing. I changed my approach to a narc relative when he honed in on me after a bad day he had. He is now giving me the cold shoulder cos I chose not to engage.
🎉🎉Bliss! I was determined not to let him ruin my time with my mum (whom I visit every year) and he’s locked himself in his room 90% of my time here. It’s so liberating not to give a hoot about whether my happiness pisses him off. Life is good when you realize that no one has the power to define how you should feel. I feel so empowered, thanks Dr Carter, love you heaps❤!
Extremely inciteful perspective that I haven't been able to verbalize! Thank you Dr Carter.
But what if you have been discarded in a sickening way, in deep shock, traumatized so I can barely leave the house. Won't people I reach out to see me as like this? Someone who needs their pain validated? Someone who can compassionately hear/witness me? Does that make me like my abuser? I'm so fragile and scared now. I don't want to use or manipulate anyone. I need friends who won't run off when I need help.
Dr C, I had to watch this twice. Being raised by a narcissist means I was conditioned to an outward focus and the helper role. It became my identity (with all the core values that come with it). Being an intuitive thinker means allowing myself to 'be selfish' and focus on my inner experience of learning as a daily experience, rather just in the cracks between being a helper (if I can make that happen). The light bulb moment yesterday was to realise that - yes! my core values are kindness and patience but the primary ones are - beauty and faith! and I am learning self-forgiveness! Who knew that was underneath? My question to me is how do I enact these every day? And what is self restraint? (I am sure it is not being so shocked by what others do that I freeze!) I am still trying to work out what healthy boundaries are! I might even listen to this a third time. Love and blessings to you, the family, and Mikhaila. Hugs to Gus xxx
Gus is a great mascot! 🎉
I've been seeing more evidence lately that people do show who they are rather quickly upon meeting others. This new awareness in me, versus in years past where I made excuses for questionable behavior, is serving me well. I'm pleased to know that if I just listen, people near me will reveal themselves more easily than I would have ever guessed. Thank you, Dr. C, for helping me to reach this new level of awareness and self care.
Do you think that life is only about you?
White hot!
What am I learning about myself in the middle of all this? - what a wonders question to ask. 😊 I thank God for you dr Carter❤ thank you for your continuous help and support. God bless you❤
i’m guessing along the lines of “how do you feel?”
Close.
“How do you think I feel?”
Some time ago I asked them "what is the purpose of life in your opinion?"
they answered to me with a list of things they did (for example their job, building the house, some of their public volunteer activities in which they played as protagonists, ...)
They also mentioned the fact that they had to help their children, that is, they found themselves forced to do so when we (children) had some difficulties... They said this in the sense that it was a burden not exactly included in their to-do-list...
And they said it in the sense of making me feel guilty (since I am one of their children).
But the latter is just the usual detail that they include "by default" whenever they speak to me
Annotation. I didn't ask them "what is the purpose of your life?" ( >>> it would have been a high risk of giving them a good grasp to start some bad reaction. I'm not allowed to ask such "personal" stuff... while they have entitled themselves to enter my life whenever they like).
I calmly asked exactly "what is the purpose of life in your opinion?".
Thanks for bringing it up, especially the braiding. Even after I learnt to braid my own hair, she forced to do it for me, while scolding or raging on some kitchen issue. I was afraid to talk back then.
I sometimes do think that if raising a kid was that laborious, why did they have me? Why gaslight me on my memory of SA? Why me?
They'll never change nor give straightforward answers & make me feel guilty. I can relate with your pain.
I think it was Mark Twain who once said, “The 2 most important days in your life - the day you were born, and the day you understand why.”
@@aaronkwolfeAaron, I thought the 2 most important days in your life are the day of birth and the day of death 😅
Lishma, as a child of Narcissistic parents you unfortunately have always been a burden for their "purpose in life" lies in the external world and/or gaining an image of a "good person" to the outside world. As a child you had to parent them, which is very unnatural. You were responsible for them and the inner outcome for you are feelings of shame and guilt.
Sending you many regards to Italy 🙏💛💛💛🙏
1 Million subscribers is right around the corner Dr. C!
Thank you! 😊
The essence of decision making is Yes-No-Not Now. Thank you Mr Carter !
What a strange thing I struggle to fathom. A grandiose and at times pathetic, its like living with one of those upside down dolls that are two characters. Completely mind bending to witness such people
As usual, spot on, Dr. C ❤❤❤
Im in therapy recently but my healing begin with this channel
So pleased!
Bingo. Thanks so much for your channel, Dr C. Covert narcissists do this too, they are coercive by acting weak and hurt, prompting their victim to pity them and rearrange their lives in to pamper and serve. This is how my kindhearted daughter got sucked into a sick relationship. She's convinced that everything is everyone elses fault, absorbing the mannerisms and tactics of her covert narc. Im looking for help but dont know how to open her eyes.
Yes to all of that with my narcissistic family!
I asked my narcissist mother, very earnestly, “Why are you like this?” Needless to say, she did not enjoy the question.
Everything you said in this podcast is spot on, in my life.
I enjoy listening to your informative podcast! Keep it up!
I'm glad I have intuitive thinking , , ❤ My anxiety I will never ignore again !!!
Thank you Gus and Dr. C.
Such great information again.
Looks like GUS was up all night working on this video and he staying on his blanket.
He looks tired.
From JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN USA
Thank you for confirming this. You realigned me again. 👌🏼
Dear ! I find myself guilty of everything you state here - except the part that I learn about myself and doubt a lot, and I generally put others needs before my own. My situation is very hard and so I yelled, belittled, tried to hurt, and disrepected the boundaries when it was so hard to cope with the pain inside, mostly in retaliation against 2 persons in my life that act like I am insignificant and ignore the boundaries and needs that I expressed to them, or made me pass for the crazy one when I tell them their behavior is not okay. I am actually dealing with 2 covert narcissists - my husband and his mother - and I observe myself using the same insane treatments… thank you for this insight
This 💯. Watch this video if you'd like to know how the narcissists in your life will think in 20 or 30 years down the line! It is no guess work, don't doubt yourself, run, baby, run.
Thank you Dr C. it feels so good to know there's people like you out there taking their time willing to help others.
You're very welcome.
The question it (the narc) didn't like was when a puzzled me asked 'why are you like this?'.
It is exhausting 😂❤❤ thank you so much !! Yes, intuitive and reflective thinking 🎉🎉
The dog,very loyal to th sofa,like your approach,thanks
This will be my go to gauge for myself and others from today on. This makes complete sense and I'm forever grateful to you for your generosity. Thank you.