As someone that was previously married to a sex addict, I can tell you that this addiction is NOT about sex (or lack thereof). It is about the inability to form truly intimate and vulnerable relationships. My ex started with strip clubs and sex chat lines. The strip clubs evolved into lap dances where he was able to get off with the girl grinding on him. Mix in lots and lots and lots of porn that finally escalated to YEARS of hiring escorts (when he traveled) before I found out. And trust me, he had a very willing and engaged partner at home that was sexually starved herself. SA can lead people so far down the rabbit hole that they simply cannot engage with a partner in an intimate and loving way. Fantasy rules and the non SA partner is left wondering what is wrong with THEM because their partner doesn't seem to desire them anymore. I sympathize with the caller because I've BEEN there, and it's a horrible place to be.
Same. This is what I have been going thru minus the knowing about “escorts” or “affairs”. He claims none. I have to trust him. I trust him cuz he still attempts to have sex with me to assuage his desires. Sometimes very coercive but most of the time it feels empty. He keeps looking to find external solutions to out intimacy and blames me. I have tried healthy things. He wants coddling (not cuddling) and to assuaged about his feelings. I keep wondering what is wrong with me and deeply yearning within myself to have an emotional bond and have meaningful love making where I know that is the focus. Any kindness is because he needs sex and every affection has to lead to sex or it “doesn’t mean anything” in his opinion. Its so hard. Been married 17 years with this and have 4 kids. He is getting help but it doesnt seem to be dealing with the deeper issues causing the sexual addiction. I dont think its the program but my hubby not being honest with his Men’s help group and really seeking God for help. He wants me to give him all the answers I dont have. If I dont, I am abandoning the relationship.
It would be hard to be with someone who is not a good man, it's just deviant. More than an inability to be close to someone it sounds like for some reason he despises woman in general. Glad you got away.
Yes, I am currently married to a SA as well and it has been an excruciatingly painful 23 year long journey. It truly is a horrific plague on our society as a whole at this point. So many men have fallen prey to this disease while at the same time it is being condoned and normalized. Unfortunately a marriage is simply not possible unless the addict chooses within themselves to repair their own heart and begin to accept the brokenness inside of them.❤
@@SarahConnor562yes physically sleeping with another woman certainly complicates the situation of infidelity. However infidelity of any kind destroys any intimacy between the partners and therefore eliminates any possibility of true intimacy. The lack of intimacy in marriage creates trauma due to the fact that all human beings require true intimate connections leaving a massive void in both partners that must be filled elsewhere. Which always leads to further issues.❤
Agreed. I was Introduced at 11 years old. And I’ve had my struggles. I’m 18 now and the light is very visible on the other side of the tunnel. But I would never do what my friend did to me. He ruined my teenage years
@@gbear34 how they feel about it doesn’t matter. they are fully aware of what the industry is, and they happily sign on to do it. (And get paid very well) we’re referring to what damage it does to the average consumer. the answer is very little to none. if you have an addiction thats one thing, but vast majority of people who watch porn do not.
It's similar to alcohol. Having an occasional drink is fine. But the moment it becomes an addiction, that's a big problem that impacts human life in a pretty major way.
As a recovering sex addict myself, this is an amazing woman to stick by her husband. She sounds really supportive and helpful, I pray they can find healing.
@@f50koenigg I was honest, and sought help... my wife left me and never gave me a chance. Everyone has their vice; whether it is alcohol, Netflix, pornography, social media, etc. I believe a marriage should be a place of support and encouragement, not judgement and abandonment. It is so sad how many people just give up, as if they don't have problems of their own.
DON'T marry sex addicts, drug addicts, gambling addicts, porn addicts and video game addicts unless you want a life filled with stress, anxiety, misery, chaos, dysfunction, emotional abuse, manipulation and pain.
Some of us didnt know cuz they told us it was a “small porn issue”. If God graces me ever to step into another relationship if this marriage falls apart or ends…. I will be sure to ask more and insist on healing BEFORE marriage!!
@@Jaxmusicgal23if anybody comes to you and says they have a small porn “issue” I would take that as a major red flag just by how they phrased it. Minimizing their actions / behaviours and how much it impacts them.
With all due respect I would like this caller to reach out to a CSAT to discuss this and also a counselor trained in betrayal trauma. This is too complex and intricate to discuss with someone who is not certified specifically in sex addiction and betrayal trauma. A regular knowledge of trauma isn’t enough to understand the complexity of what repeated betrayal does in a marriage. The pain in her voice breaks my heart
I lived with very similar partner for 12 years, plus alcohol addiction on top. I couldn’t stand this any more, so I found a courage and asked him to leave my house. It took me a year to build a courage to confront him. I am very happy I did it. I was coo dependant at that time. Thank you John for this video! ❤
women need to disclose how many men she has had sex with and for how long.. otherwise the husband doesn't understand the gravity of the problems he is about to inherit
Hahaha that’s ridiculous. Any man would choose the real thing over the alternative. But men don’t get to have sex whenever they want like women do. Guess what, you sleeping with 20 people is far worse than him sleeping with 3 and watching porn.
He did disclose. I don't think she understood the difficulty that sex addiction is. Go to an SA meeting and see how many 20 and 30 year chips are handed out. This isn't alcohol.
Yip. And alot of men with "issues" calling women insecure and controlling for having healthy boundaries, standards and for not wanting to be around men that lack self control.
@@retrorenegade1967It’s truly wonderful how you have such high standards for others around you. I’m sure your positive influence is making the lives of everyone you encounter so much better. Such an inspiration. Congrats :)
I think everyone has boundaries about sex, and if you are not on board with someone's idea of it, you shouldn't stay in the marriage. If you know a person has a huge problem with porn and you don't like it, don't marry them.
I was wondering if I was wrong to think the way I was thinking but I see your comment reflects my sentiments. This husband laid out his RED FLAGS and porn was just the tip of the iceberg. There is no way he was whole and healed when they got married. She married him for his POTENTIAL because she saw him doing the work and thought he would get better BUT sometimes unfortunately they don't because addictions are hard to break🤦🏽♀and here they are 4 kids later with the same issues before they got married. I sympathize with her but there is also some accountability on her part as well for putting herself in this situation.
but men lie. It happened to me. I found out, told him I dont agree with that. He lied. I was young at the time before all this youtube help was available.
@SarahG16925 He could've broken up with her, it's not hard. She's not obligated to find porn addicts attractive or date them and he isn't forced to stay and lie about his addiction. Except most men know most women don't like that, and they'd rather lie and settle for anything... boohoo :'( poor liars.
@@SarahConnor562 She could divorce him, it's not hard. She going to be depressed, mentally exhausted, stressed (causing illnesses) if she stays... she needs to free herself and let him be free. So yes Sarah, she can leave if she wants because she doesn't really belong to him especially since the "him" she thinks he is isn't really "him" (he's a liar).
Most people don't have an idea of how difficult it is to actually heal from things and get over addictions if they've never experienced a loved on going through it previously. Others genuinely think true love and a stable relationship will heal people but that just isn't true.
I have the same problem , sexless marriage for 6 years . I stayed with him for my daughter. I prayed a lot 😢 I fell your pain girl .. I just wait for perfect time to leave..
There will never be a perfect time, and your daughter is absorbing all of this and getting her own trauma. You need to be courageous and leave. It will be so hard but also so much better for you and her.
A common problem I see is a lot of people that call this show seem to be trying to manage things on their own. Men need other mature men around them to encourage and help them and the same goes for women. Also, there isn't anyway I would pay any therapist $175/hr just to talk to them. Especially if I'm calling another counselor for free looking for advice.
To tell the wife "she needs to get involved with it"???? This is not the first course of action that should take place. This man should be inconsistent therapy for sex addicts. He should be dealing with his childhood trauma and finding healthy coping mechanisms. He should probably even be celibate for certain period of time while he's working through his issues. This isn't about their sex life this isn't about demystifying anything This is about his affliction his addiction his past trauma and how he is now traumatized her. He is alienated her and kept secrets from her He has betrayed her He has been deceptive and now she cannot trust him or feel safe. Typically I agree with Mr Delony but certainly not in this case
You put this very well. It sounds like he's tried everything but celibacy. His poor brain is addicted. I hope he goes to meetings and gets better for his families' sake.
@@mombythesea2426 yeahhhh her crying over him masturbating is a red flag, him detaching from her to masturbate is another, but within this huge context of addiction it’s missing the forests for the trees. John said it doesn’t mean her marriage is falling apart bc he masturbates, and sure, but that’s not the only issue
She married a porn addict who is suicidal and then has 3 kid's. A disaster! He needs to look in the mirror and forgive himself and value himself. Stop being selfish making excuses. There are kid's involved. Take responsibility. He is an adult and knows right from wrong. She needs to build her self esteem. Do what it takes for thoses children.
Pornography is often a symptom of something else. And the worst thing a man can think is they’re evil or worthless because of their addiction. Something that helped me was psychedelics and working through my trauma, then I slowly was able to give up my crutch.
I have to SO disagree with you!!! Porn addicts should NOT masturbate! Non porn becomes porn to an addict. Barb, please contact a CSAT for help with your betrayal trauma and for him as well. I’m so sorry. Porn addiction is very difficult to beat even when in good recovery, the recovery rate is less than 10%. Please both of you get the help you need from a certified sex addiction therapist.
I hope she divorces soon. If he hasn't changed in 11 years. It won't. Plus he barely has a job and doesn't want to switch careers? Maybe thats why he turns to this addiction because he's not the breadwinner anymore?
Ok not switching careers is ok... how is that a deal breaker... and if your willing to leave someone because of an addiction they struggle with you didn't love them enough to get married...
This is terrible advice. There is nothing wrong with someone having a drink, but if someone is an alcoholic, one drink is too much. Drinking socially won't make it better. Same here. For him "taking care of himself" is tied to his sx addiction. He needs to go to SA or Addiction Recovery and therapy to work through the issues that are causing this. That needs to include getting sober 100% as well
Correct! When he was like join him to take the Shane away I was like 😮 oohh noooo!! He’s an addict and he need to dove into all the help he can get & this usually take years of undoing!
When she stared 😢 crying I felt her pain in my soul why aren’t I enough and why does this keep happening I’m currently dealing with this same problem with my boyfriend of 6 years we have 2 children together and his addiction is to another level there are things I’m holding on to that is heavy on my heart like I’m embarrassed to talk to my family about it like his the father of my children and I don’t have any friends so I hold on to a lot I just brake down sometimes because it’s alot
My heart breaks for her. If pornogrpahy is taking away from your relationship and youre putting effort into pornography and not real life intimacy then its a problem and not a healthy expression of sexuality.
That genie is never going back in the bottle in our society; how we assimilate it is yet to be determined. Maybe we can't successfully assimilate it, but it isn't going away and unlikely to become less prevalent.
Sexual addictions are almost impossible to stop. Just stop dating and marrying addicts. If you feel you can “save” them. Look into therapy for yourself.
If someone was into cutting I would never tell them to invite someone to watch them to take the shame out of it. I found this advice to be very disingenuous. He hasn't stopped hiding what he does to self-soothe. No matter how excepting she is of it he will always hide it. He will be a slave to it until HE takes responsibility and chooses a sober life free from addiction. THERE ISN'T A MAGIC THING SHE CAN DO TO FIX HIS SHAME. such bad advice. Equates to make your alcoholic husband only drink with you and that will fix him.
@neverminding WOW! I was thinking the same thing. When John said she should join him, I was like "ARE YOU SERIOUS JOHN?" That's crazy! I could not believe what I was hearing. John is asking her to completely disregard her feelings towards what he is doing and so called "help him" DEAL with what is going on. Crazy crazy advice and your words could not be more true.
@@wordsalad01 But those are 2 very different things. Self-harm is never healthy in any context. When John eluded to her "joining" him, that is something that many couples do and enjoy it. His "shame" is likely more tied to how she's been reacting to it vs how he actually feels about it.
He is probably only alive because of his wife and the wife is into the martyr/savior kinda of dynamic in a relationship. So in a sense, it's a perfect match, as long as the wife can save him and as long as he continues to have those problems at a level she can handle.
He has the right to “self soothe” until it drops off lol. But she has the right to know so she can leave if it’s not something she can handle. It’s against her values. Why put up with this compulsion? Porn is crack. The addiction is the problem. Who the hell wants to be with someone with an addiction? Yea that’s alot of fun. She’s not being controlling at all. She has every right to know about his addiction and leave the baby man who prefers pics to a real woman. Nah, go on dating sites, church socials whatever and find a real man and not a little boy wjo can’t stop touching his pee pee 😅
WORDDDDD! and AMEN! Men want a good woman but they are not good men?! Go be with a woman that has some kind of addiction, get a taste of your own medicine. Losers, home wreckers. God sees everything.
well is it enabling him to become better? bc if not then its not helping. ..could very well be causing issues....um read the bible...theres alot of good help there. or you can listen on youtube, people explain the bible bc it can be hard to read. for a man to control himself is a very strong man . men nowadays are very passive bc of porn watching. passivity is a womanly trait. @@SarahConnor562
@@SarahConnor562 I don’t think there is anything wrong with masturbation. Not against it in any way especially religiously. I think that what’s wrong is that if your partner/spouse etc is not in sync with being in a sexual relationship with someone who prefers self pleasure and porn over her she oughta find someone who doesn’t make her feel alone. If the partner feels rejected bc of it then there’s really no reason for a couple to stay together. He might be happy (doesn’t seem so though) but she’s obviously not so why not find someone with a similar sexual interest. The real thing is so much better for most people and this woman is not happy. Exit time
@SarahG16925 It's possible to masturbate without creepily watching filmed abuse of explorited young women who are very likely being trafficked and abused. Men who respect women and see them as fully human don't watch that filth. Dont conflate porn with masturbation. They're not the same thing
She sent the police to his work to "make sure he was safe?" That could have easily gotten a lot of people canned. Losing their job always makes suicidal people feel much better 🙄
@@rosec8101 and that's exactly why you shouldn't get law enforcement involved unless they make threats to harm others. Get them into therapy and be there for them. Don't call the cops on suicidal people. They seldom do anything to help and almost always make it worse.
As someone who was suicidal for years, I disagree. There is a difference between being "suicidal" in general and deciding to act on it... And when you decide to act on it, and someone you love knows, the most loving thing they can do is get the police involved. If a person is seriously attempting to kill themselves, it is our responsibility to try to save them. I am forever grateful that my husband got me help when I needed it--yes, the police--even though I didn't want it. As for the job... It would be discrimination to fire someone for mental health struggles. But even if they did... Being alive without a job is better than being dead. People can always find new jobs. But once dead, that's it. Thank God I am free from depression now. Never wanted to die again in 6 years. There is healing from chronic depression. Life can go on. We can recover. But not if we are dead.
@@kendrascorner I have also been suicidal many times in my life, and I know that any time I told anyone about it, it was usually a cry for help because I just needed someone to hear me out and tell me things were going to be okay. People who are actually going to unalive themselves seldom tell anyone. They just do it, and you don't really see it coming. I've had a family member and a good friend both do this. They told no one. Everyone else I know who has told people, or tried some half-assed attempt, were doing it for attention.
@@SarahConnor562 agreed. Red flag laws are bullshit. Unless they threaten to harm others (which is a crime) they shouldn't have their rights taken away from them. I believe it is a fundamental human right to unalive oneself.
9 years old! That’s a crime! I’m so sorry for this woman. He probably never gave up the pron to begin with. Nothing wrong with um a bit of self love but sounds like it’s a huge issue. Pls pls don’t marry into addiction. She sounds destroyed at this point and if she was my friend or family I would tell her to prepare and file. There’s also the risk of his pron escalating into something that can ruin ALL of their lives.
@@rebeccaoprea9917 she should have researched if she cared about herself. Porn guys are no good for anyone just like any other addict. They are not incontrol, something else is, anything can go wrong including terrible love life and constantly feeling not good enough plus they don’t really have anything to give because they are not themselves so job issues, intimacy issues , trust issues, commitment issues and so on. It’s a terrible marriage it’s not a marriage it’s hell.
She did not know the extent. Neither did I. We were told in pre-marital counseling that marriage would fix his “minor porn problem”. It wasnt minor and he wasnt honest to how long and how much and why. I was led to think it was something a little prayer and emotional intimacy would fix. I had no idea it would be the block to our emotional intimacy and cause me to be an object rather than him connecting to me his wife and him having problems with how women act in general. He loved the screen women who said what he wanted to hear and did everything he wanted without asking anything in return. So that is what I got expected to do….Now I am tired, empty and longing for connection…and he still has yet to actually focus on the internal completely and thinks if we just do “new physical intimacy” without completing and I be sexy and say what he wants to hear instead of what he needs to hear but we never talk about our relationship or where we are going or how he is doing… Yeah, that isnt always the woman’s fault. Maybe I also got more healthy and his dysfunction got more noticeable as I refused to enable, coddle, ignore and assuage his sex addiction and the emotional damage it caused his psyche that he wont admit to.
@@Jaxmusicgal23 I am not blaming her I am just saying she got in knowing his issues. If they are too big she should ditch him not try to fix him. Same with you. If you were misled then tell him you misled me and made me believe prayer and intimacy would fix this. It’s much bigger so no thanks. I want intimacy and a normal relationship not this
Man this has to be one of the worst comment threads on here. Clueless guys who don't understand what sex addiction can do to relationship and judgmental women who don't understand where sex addiction (and any addiction) gets its fuel from - shame.
You could very well be right about the 'shame' part. They are reliving it. This behavior does stem from a low self-worth but it is LEARNED behavior. However, throwing a pity party for him is not going to help him or those devastated by his behavior.
Obviously we don't have the whole story, but I"m curious how much of this is his actual depression and mental illness, and how much of this is his wife saying, "No porn or jerking off!" And setting the "allowed" amount of self-release to zero. Her crying because he's jerking off too much seams overbearing. However, it might also be that he goes into spirals and can't get out of bed for weeks at a crack. Need some more info to judge.
@@heav2582 no one is down playing an addiction, but if you pay attention to what she is saying, the porn is only a symptom of something bigger. Who cares about his porn addiction if he is having thoughts of suicide? What do you think is more important to address?
I am from Europe and wondering if this is american puritanism or something??? Masturbation can happen to men and women while being married.... Addiction to it is difficult though...
They are both addicts…she takes care of others more than herself.! She need to be working on herself vs hiding her traumas in her husbands as a cop out to do the work which what most enablers do! Helping others is there excuse! A person have to really ask themselves is this the life you wanna subject yourself to
I think Dr. John's advice is good. It is a little odd in a sense that his father introduced him to pornography (I mean yes and no given the dreadful circumstances of his childhood) but I do think her joining him and watching him will take the mystique or semi shame out of this whole thing. Dr. John gave alot of sound and nuanced advice, but I am just picking out that portion of what he discussed. This honestly wasn't an easy one to unpack. Dr. John is really good at the harder or tougher cases, not the basic issues that we all face (he is good at that as well, but he shines in really tramatic or dramatic cases due to his education and experience). I wouldn't have known how to give advice on this one in all candor. The husband at the end of the day sounds like a good man.
Good grief. I understand having a boundary of not using porn material in your home and working through that, but to honestly consider ending your marriage over your husband self stimulating sometimes seems …. Wild.
Nah until you see the damage that porn does to people you would understand. Plus it's evident that he has a porn addiction, so clearly he isn't using it in a safe manner
The way she made it sound he can't even masturbate to non porn. Wow. Called the cops on him and had guns removed and had cops sent to job this lady needs some real self reflection not aces scores.
@@papicholo5586yea but this dude can’t even polish the pewter in his own shower or his wife will fly into a hysteria and send the cops to his work. Porn isn’t good. BUT if he is still a great father and husband, you gotta accept the man for what his is and pray for him to thrive and move away from those addictions-not attempt an exorcism every time he crosses your personally extreme line.
Imagine you keep trying to initiate sex with your wife. She keeps turning you down, saying it's not the right time, she's not in the mood, et cetera. Later in the day, you walk in on her touching herself to a porn video. "Oh," you think,"It wasn't that she wasn't horny. She just didn't want ex with me." It stings. Now pretend this happens 5 times a week, for however many months or years. That's life with a porn addict. It can get pretty bad. It's not just casually once a week.
It's very possible. For many porn-addicts in recovery, rubbing one out is just for the stimulation. Porn is a slippery slope and if you've been clean for a while, some would rather 'rub one out' then spiral into porn all over again.
I grew up in a house where there were playboys all over the place. My parents were very relaxed about it and didn’t think it was a big deal, including my mom. I’ve always had porn in my life to some extent and it can affect me negatively mainly bc my gf hates it. I don’t see a way that I’ll be able to completely quit it but she can’t get over it. It sucks.
You have already identified your Problem. Your Parents were the problem. What you were put through is a form of Child Abuse whether you understand it or not or accept it or not. Sorry there was one to show you a better path. However, please don't try to NORMALIZE unhealthy patterns of behavior for others by making it sound like it was 'no big deal'. If some families like to poop on the bathroom floor that doesn't mean others should follow and adopt the practice. Even grown ups don't need to go near the psychological filth that porn is let alone children.
It makes perfect sense. You expect your partner to be faithful. You expect them to not succumb to lustful urges towards others. That’s a boundary. Similarly here.
It's possible to masturbate without creepily watching filmed abuse of explorited young women who are very likely being trafficked and abused. Men who respect women and see them as fully human don't watch that filth. Dont conflate porn with masturbation. They're not the same thing. Her husband is a pathetic little creep, just like the rest of these 'men' who are addicted to watching other have have sex
A man hunched over the computer salivating and vigorously playing with himself is one of the most desperate pathetic images out there. Why would she want to join him?
oh yeah walking into the love of my life getting off to other women is definitely an image that will turn a strictly monogamous woman on! (not) that is actually a disgusting image. Why in a committed relationship would he need to go to other women to get off? wtf? go to your damn wife
Most of these calls seem like married women calling to get John to validate them that their marriage problems aren’t their fault and instead are on the husband. Seems like the vast majority of the calls lately.
I’m 28 and a 100% a sex addict. My girlfriend is 23 and pretty much the same. She is so attracted to me we have sex 3-4 times a day. If you’re a guy like this you need to find a a woman that thinks you’re hot as hell and wants you all the time. You’ll avoid situations like this LOL
@@VV-er3zg based on your anti sex comment history I’m guessing you do not have a healthy life sexually or financially and are miserable. Try not to ruin it for the rest of us normal people
Life would be a lot simpler for both this woman and her man if she just let this guy take care of himself. I feel like women really just don’t understand how much men think about sx. I think “taking care of himself” is healthy, not only for the prostate but for the mind.
Look up the effects of pornography and masturbation on the brain, it can be very harmful to one's self and your relationships with others. It's clear here that it's not the sexual release that he's needing, but a coping mechanism for things that have happened in his past. We can't honestly say here that just letting him have at it whenever he wants is healthy or a good way of dealing with things. Also, he made a commitment to be with this woman and part of that to have sex with her in a way that's pleasing for both of them.
@gardieldGG It's possible to masturbate without creepily watching filmed abuse of explorited young women who are very likely being trafficked and abused. Men who respect women and see them as fully human don't watch that filth. Dont conflate porn with masturbation. They're not the same thing. Her husband is a pathetic little creep, just like the rest of these 'men' who are addicted to watching other men have sex with women who would never touch them in real life. Gross.
@@nr7701 The only places you will find that comment about masturbation being bad for the brain are on religious nut jobs sites. There is zero real data that supports your claim and mountains of data that invalidates it.
@@garfieldGGAll porn addicts say the same thing. There's countless of women on online forums complaining about their porn addicted husbands... what a nightmare and a bore (these men are in bed). I read way too many just after researching the effects it causes on the brain, depressing thing. Porn addicts should just stay single and handle business like they do alone lol
@@stephaniekilpatrick1028The solution for someone stuck in quicksand is not to drag another person into it. You then have not 1 but 2 people stuck in the quicksand. She is under no obligation to be part of his SIN. That's on him. Just because a spouse is a heroine addict or a bank robber does not mean you have to join in to 'increase their pleasure'. Same wisdom apply here.
Thanks John for not shaming masterbation like some christians do. I think the wife has puritanical sex hang ups. Though I'm sure her husband trauma is a lot for her to deal with.
If this is the biggest problem in their marriage, then this lady should thank her lucky stars. Watching porn on occassion isn't being a sex addict. The two are different things.
@@fairlyenjoyable You're right. Couples should decide their boundaries together. When 1 spouse sets the boundaries you can almost guarantee there's gonna be a problem.
@SarahG16925 It's not unreasonable to not want your partner to go on sites and watch other people do sexual activities while pleasuring yourself to it.
@@fairlyenjoyableboundaries are a mutual discussion. if my wife just set a "boundary" like this and left it at that it'd be broken quickly and openly. unless he's sinking hours a day into porn or shirking his responsibilities there's no problem here. she seems mad overbearing
@og666 Of course they are a mutual discussion, which is what happened here. She doesn't seem overbearing to me at all; she sounds hurt that boundaries were broken.
Its not just masturbation, it's the pornography. Obviously if he's been at this since a young age, his porn tastes have most likely escalated to some extreme material. That is going to destroy his ability to have a genuine intimate relationship with his wife.
Willing to bet she cut him off years ago, so instead of cheating, he takes care of it this way. The lesson? Cheat, my dudes. If she cuts you off, it’s not cheating.
Of all of the unhealthy coping mechanisms a man could have, this is by far one of the most benign. He could have been into anything: hard drugs, alcohol, prostitutes, gambling, you name it. Maybe he's suicidal because he doesn't want to leave his marriage, but at the same time he can't have an honest conversation with his prude wife who is obviously clueless about human sexuality.
First of all, its not normal for a married man to be watching porn. Second, he is heavily addicted to it and needs it to cope with pain. Normal sexual intimacy is not enough anymore. For people like that, the porn has to be more and more hard core to be able to hit the spot. Chances are what he watches is pretty extreme by now.
@@SarahConnor562Interesting that you think it’s just another women wanting to control, while on this very show and many others, men call and/write in discussing their p*rn addictions and how it is/has ruining their lives.
Porn isn't cheating. This lady needs to get over it. My dad saw his best friend get killed right in front of him during Vietnam and complained less (never).
This guy is knee deep in a pornography addiction that is wreaking havoc on their intimacy, so it is a major problem. Its completely selfish to dismiss her concerns as of she's crazy.
If a guys porn addiction is wreaking havoc on the intimacy in that marriage then it is a problem. If he prefers the computer screen to real life contact with a woman then yeah he should divorce and be single.
my hot take is you should just let him look at prn, and join him. men and women are vastly different when it comes to arousal --- women are all about the 'story' or 'action' of their partner (see them pick up something heavy, etc), men at 100% about the visual stimulation (see boobs or a butt - that's all it takes). For Barb to draw such a line against prn, especially because it is obviously of such great importance to their partner --- I think she's doomed to constant rejection and he's doomed to misery and shame. Looking at boobs isn't going to make him love you any less, and you're fighting the tide; your attempts to control him in this way in order to protect your own ego and emotions, is only going to end up hurting the relationship in a major way. Also fostering honesty and a place of understanding is super important.... if they feel like they need to lie to you for this, you're just engraining the fact that you need to lie... imagine what this will turn into when he starts cheating. I think you need to let them do what they need to do, and it literally hurts nobody but your ego.
Thats a terrible take, you sound like an addict. If this guy has been watching for years, I doubt the content he's viewing is vanilla. That is going to destroy his ability to have a genuine intimate relationship with his wife. The neuroscience is clear on the negative impact pornography has on the reward centers of the brain and the prefrontal cortex. This woman is right to be deeply concerned.
She is under no obligation to be part of his SIN. That's on him. Just because a spouse is a heroine addict or a bank robber does not mean you have to join in to 'increase their pleasure'. Same wisdom apply here. And this is PRECISELY how Evil spreads i.e. when those refuse to correct their behavior try to NORMALIZE it.
She prob refuses to go to the gym or do anything. Poor guy, poor her. Marriage doesn’t mean said person has to be forever attracted to you no matter what you do with yourself.
Clearly you do not understand what's behind sexual addiction. This has nothing to do with whether he's attracted to her. It's about the ability to be intimate and connect with his partner and his depression.
He shouldn't be talking to a married woman by herself? Do you think it's okay for him to talk to married men by themselves? What century do you live in?
@@brbsnortingcatnip that is right, thanks for clarifying what I already said. I am not a godless atheist, I believe God created an order to life. God over Christ, Christ over man, man over woman, woman over children. I don't hate you for not believing in God, or that you think it is ok that a married woman should talk to another man she isn't married to about her marriage, I don't hate you for thinking that, you can believe what you want. been married 15 years, have homeschooled all of my children, I work, my wife stays home and homeschools and takes care of the home, and it works for us
@@truthreigns3465I am a Christian. And I don’t see an issue with her talking to him. It’s not in private. Thousands of people are a part of the conversation. And this is what he does
She pays $175/hr for therapy. And is calling this show. The counselor isn’t doing that good of a job. She should dump that.
This situation is not easily fixable with counselling. This takes time anyways and with more time is more $ so I understand her frustration
As someone that was previously married to a sex addict, I can tell you that this addiction is NOT about sex (or lack thereof). It is about the inability to form truly intimate and vulnerable relationships. My ex started with strip clubs and sex chat lines. The strip clubs evolved into lap dances where he was able to get off with the girl grinding on him. Mix in lots and lots and lots of porn that finally escalated to YEARS of hiring escorts (when he traveled) before I found out. And trust me, he had a very willing and engaged partner at home that was sexually starved herself. SA can lead people so far down the rabbit hole that they simply cannot engage with a partner in an intimate and loving way. Fantasy rules and the non SA partner is left wondering what is wrong with THEM because their partner doesn't seem to desire them anymore. I sympathize with the caller because I've BEEN there, and it's a horrible place to be.
Same. This is what I have been going thru minus the knowing about “escorts” or “affairs”. He claims none. I have to trust him.
I trust him cuz he still attempts to have sex with me to assuage his desires. Sometimes very coercive but most of the time it feels empty.
He keeps looking to find external solutions to out intimacy and blames me. I have tried healthy things. He wants coddling (not cuddling) and to assuaged about his feelings.
I keep wondering what is wrong with me and deeply yearning within myself to have an emotional bond and have meaningful love making where I know that is the focus.
Any kindness is because he needs sex and every affection has to lead to sex or it “doesn’t mean anything” in his opinion.
Its so hard.
Been married 17 years with this and have 4 kids.
He is getting help but it doesnt seem to be dealing with the deeper issues causing the sexual addiction. I dont think its the program but my hubby not being honest with his Men’s help group and really seeking God for help.
He wants me to give him all the answers I dont have. If I dont, I am abandoning the relationship.
It would be hard to be with someone who is not a good man, it's just deviant. More than an inability to be close to someone it sounds like for some reason he despises woman in general. Glad you got away.
Yes, I am currently married to a SA as well and it has been an excruciatingly painful 23 year long journey. It truly is a horrific plague on our society as a whole at this point. So many men have fallen prey to this disease while at the same time it is being condoned and normalized. Unfortunately a marriage is simply not possible unless the addict chooses within themselves to repair their own heart and begin to accept the brokenness inside of them.❤
@@SarahConnor562yes physically sleeping with another woman certainly complicates the situation of infidelity. However infidelity of any kind destroys any intimacy between the partners and therefore eliminates any possibility of true intimacy. The lack of intimacy in marriage creates trauma due to the fact that all human beings require true intimate connections leaving a massive void in both partners that must be filled elsewhere. Which always leads to further issues.❤
Your comment is most insightful. Thank you for teaching.
What a horrible thing for a "father" to introduce his 9-year-old son into on how to cope with problems.
@@natalief8268that's what I was thinking, it is a form of sexual abuse. Had someone outside of the family given him that stuff they'd be arrested.
That was my thinking when I first heard it, what kinda parent would think this appropriate for a child?
Agreed. I was Introduced at 11 years old. And I’ve had my struggles. I’m 18 now and the light is very visible on the other side of the tunnel. But I would never do what my friend did to me. He ruined my teenage years
@@Ratz_ow You got this. ♡
The father was doing the best he knew how at the time. Just like most of us. The dad had bad advice.
It’s amazing how society still sees pornography as a harmless thing.
bc it is
@@SarahConnor562
It isn’t harmful by default….. you can get addicted to it, but can’t you say that about pretty much everything else?
@@chuckokoye2410 Ask the actors if they feel the same way... it's a pretty harmful industry.
@@gbear34 how they feel about it doesn’t matter. they are fully aware of what the industry is, and they happily sign on to do it. (And get paid very well) we’re referring to what damage it does to the average consumer. the answer is very little to none. if you have an addiction thats one thing, but vast majority of people who watch porn do not.
It's similar to alcohol. Having an occasional drink is fine. But the moment it becomes an addiction, that's a big problem that impacts human life in a pretty major way.
As a recovering sex addict myself, this is an amazing woman to stick by her husband. She sounds really supportive and helpful, I pray they can find healing.
She’s a sucker. She should’ve never married him.
As a sex addict yourself, are you honest about your addiction to your partner? How do they react? Do they dump you or give you a chance?
@@f50koenigg I was honest, and sought help... my wife left me and never gave me a chance. Everyone has their vice; whether it is alcohol, Netflix, pornography, social media, etc. I believe a marriage should be a place of support and encouragement, not judgement and abandonment. It is so sad how many people just give up, as if they don't have problems of their own.
DON'T marry sex addicts, drug addicts, gambling addicts, porn addicts and video game addicts unless you want a life filled with stress, anxiety, misery, chaos, dysfunction, emotional abuse, manipulation and pain.
Shopping addicts too
Some of us didnt know cuz they told us it was a “small porn issue”.
If God graces me ever to step into another relationship if this marriage falls apart or ends….
I will be sure to ask more and insist on healing BEFORE marriage!!
@@Jaxmusicgal23if anybody comes to you and says they have a small porn “issue” I would take that as a major red flag just by how they phrased it. Minimizing their actions / behaviours and how much it impacts them.
@@Jaxmusicgal23 I asked and mine said he had no problem and hated the stuff. Turns out otherwise and eventually he did cheat. You are not alone.
ITS LAW!!
With all due respect I would like this caller to reach out to a CSAT to discuss this and also a counselor trained in betrayal trauma. This is too complex and intricate to discuss with someone who is not certified specifically in sex addiction and betrayal trauma. A regular knowledge of trauma isn’t enough to understand the complexity of what repeated betrayal does in a marriage. The pain in her voice breaks my heart
I lived with very similar partner for 12 years, plus alcohol addiction on top. I couldn’t stand this any more, so I found a courage and asked him to leave my house. It took me a year to build a courage to confront him. I am very happy I did it. I was coo dependant at that time. Thank you John for this video! ❤
Men need to disclose if they use p@rn before marriage. Otherwise the wife doesnt understand the gravity of the problems shes about to inherit.
women need to disclose how many men she has had sex with and for how long.. otherwise the husband doesn't understand the gravity of the problems he is about to inherit
Lol. Get out of here. Women should disclose then how many guys they screwed and how chad in sales makes them feel
Hahaha that’s ridiculous. Any man would choose the real thing over the alternative. But men don’t get to have sex whenever they want like women do. Guess what, you sleeping with 20 people is far worse than him sleeping with 3 and watching porn.
He did disclose. I don't think she understood the difficulty that sex addiction is. Go to an SA meeting and see how many 20 and 30 year chips are handed out. This isn't alcohol.
And woman needs to disclose body count because the gravity of that and the effects on pair bounding is astounding.
A lot of porn and masturbation addicts in this comments section.
@@SarahConnor562 you're such a cool girl congrats
A lot of judgmental insecure women too
wow really you r a loser @@SarahConnor562
Yip. And alot of men with "issues" calling women insecure and controlling for having healthy boundaries, standards and for not wanting to be around men that lack self control.
@@retrorenegade1967It’s truly wonderful how you have such high standards for others around you. I’m sure your positive influence is making the lives of everyone you encounter so much better. Such an inspiration. Congrats :)
People check out to escape reality, but they won’t find what they’re looking for, it’s only when they check in that they do.
As a mom to a 9 year old boy, I’m sorry that should be considered child abuse. And I also lost a parent. That’s not how you help a child cope.
I think everyone has boundaries about sex, and if you are not on board with someone's idea of it, you shouldn't stay in the marriage. If you know a person has a huge problem with porn and you don't like it, don't marry them.
I was wondering if I was wrong to think the way I was thinking but I see your comment reflects my sentiments. This husband laid out his RED FLAGS and porn was just the tip of the iceberg. There is no way he was whole and healed when they got married. She married him for his POTENTIAL because she saw him doing the work and thought he would get better BUT sometimes unfortunately they don't because addictions are hard to break🤦🏽♀and here they are 4 kids later with the same issues before they got married.
I sympathize with her but there is also some accountability on her part as well for putting herself in this situation.
but men lie. It happened to me. I found out, told him I dont agree with that. He lied. I was young at the time before all this youtube help was available.
@SarahG16925 He could've broken up with her, it's not hard. She's not obligated to find porn addicts attractive or date them and he isn't forced to stay and lie about his addiction. Except most men know most women don't like that, and they'd rather lie and settle for anything... boohoo :'( poor liars.
@@SarahConnor562 She could divorce him, it's not hard. She going to be depressed, mentally exhausted, stressed (causing illnesses) if she stays... she needs to free herself and let him be free. So yes Sarah, she can leave if she wants because she doesn't really belong to him especially since the "him" she thinks he is isn't really "him" (he's a liar).
sexual immorality is grounds for divorce. @@SarahConnor562
People need to marry the person for who the are, not who they can be.
She married him because she wanted to fix him and she can’t.
Most people don't have an idea of how difficult it is to actually heal from things and get over addictions if they've never experienced a loved on going through it previously.
Others genuinely think true love and a stable relationship will heal people but that just isn't true.
Excellent advice, but there is so much complexity in this kind of addiction/sin. They lie and say they're recovered just to keep a woman.
U arent ur porn addiction tho
Most people don't know every little detail about their partner before they're married. A lot gets revealed after marriage and with time.
I have the same problem , sexless marriage for 6 years . I stayed with him for my daughter. I prayed a lot 😢 I fell your pain girl .. I just wait for perfect time to leave..
There will never be a perfect time, and your daughter is absorbing all of this and getting her own trauma. You need to be courageous and leave. It will be so hard but also so much better for you and her.
I like how John handled this call. Well done.
A common problem I see is a lot of people that call this show seem to be trying to manage things on their own. Men need other mature men around them to encourage and help them and the same goes for women. Also, there isn't anyway I would pay any therapist $175/hr just to talk to them. Especially if I'm calling another counselor for free looking for advice.
To tell the wife "she needs to get involved with it"???? This is not the first course of action that should take place. This man should be inconsistent therapy for sex addicts. He should be dealing with his childhood trauma and finding healthy coping mechanisms. He should probably even be celibate for certain period of time while he's working through his issues. This isn't about their sex life this isn't about demystifying anything This is about his affliction his addiction his past trauma and how he is now traumatized her. He is alienated her and kept secrets from her He has betrayed her He has been deceptive and now she cannot trust him or feel safe. Typically I agree with Mr Delony but certainly not in this case
You put this very well. It sounds like he's tried everything but celibacy. His poor brain is addicted. I hope he goes to meetings and gets better for his families' sake.
That was the weirdest advice I’ve ever heard. It shocked me
@@mombythesea2426 yeahhhh her crying over him masturbating is a red flag, him detaching from her to masturbate is another, but within this huge context of addiction it’s missing the forests for the trees. John said it doesn’t mean her marriage is falling apart bc he masturbates, and sure, but that’s not the only issue
@@VV-er3zg Why is her being hurt by that a red flag?
I dont see how a man can be so addicted to porn without having a distrspectful view of woman in general.
💯
They can’t. At least subconsciously, there will be some misogyny there
They can’t. That’s a fact
"misogyny" has been the default for men throughout history
@@funicon3689 yea.. that’s not true
She married a porn addict who is suicidal and then has 3 kid's. A disaster! He needs to look in the mirror and forgive himself and value himself. Stop being selfish making excuses. There are kid's involved. Take responsibility. He is an adult and knows right from wrong. She needs to build her self esteem. Do what it takes for thoses children.
She’s an idiot & a total mess
Pornography is often a symptom of something else. And the worst thing a man can think is they’re evil or worthless because of their addiction. Something that helped me was psychedelics and working through my trauma, then I slowly was able to give up my crutch.
I have to SO disagree with you!!! Porn addicts should NOT masturbate! Non porn becomes porn to an addict. Barb, please contact a CSAT for help with your betrayal trauma and for him as well. I’m so sorry. Porn addiction is very difficult to beat even when in good recovery, the recovery rate is less than 10%. Please both of you get the help you need from a certified sex addiction therapist.
I'm not staying and putting my life at risk. He has to go and address the root cause issues behind that.
@@SarahConnor562if he steps out in his marriage he could catch something and pass it to his wife so yes, her life could be at risk dealing with him.
@@SarahConnor562Yes we all have a life that doesn't revolve around keeping a man, desperate Sarah.
It starts at 1:20.
Thank you❤
He has a responsibility to change and he’s not my friend.
I hope she divorces soon. If he hasn't changed in 11 years. It won't. Plus he barely has a job and doesn't want to switch careers?
Maybe thats why he turns to this addiction because he's not the breadwinner anymore?
Ok not switching careers is ok... how is that a deal breaker... and if your willing to leave someone because of an addiction they struggle with you didn't love them enough to get married...
This is terrible advice. There is nothing wrong with someone having a drink, but if someone is an alcoholic, one drink is too much. Drinking socially won't make it better. Same here. For him "taking care of himself" is tied to his sx addiction. He needs to go to SA or Addiction Recovery and therapy to work through the issues that are causing this. That needs to include getting sober 100% as well
Yes! Thank you for saying that
Correct! When he was like join him to take the Shane away I was like 😮 oohh noooo!! He’s an addict and he need to dove into all the help he can get & this usually take years of undoing!
Fam there is no healthy way to consume porn. There no healthy dose of watching strangers have sex and getting of to it.
I dont think it’s reasonable to expect an adult to never ever masturbate again ever in life.
The dude has been, did you not hear she’s calling after the 3rd time he’s relapsed. The advice was spot on, this woman is suffering.
When she stared 😢 crying I felt her pain in my soul why aren’t I enough and why does this keep happening I’m currently dealing with this same problem with my boyfriend of 6 years we have 2 children together and his addiction is to another level there are things I’m holding on to that is heavy on my heart like I’m embarrassed to talk to my family about it like his the father of my children and I don’t have any friends so I hold on to a lot I just brake down sometimes because it’s alot
U need tonspeak to someone
My heart breaks for her. If pornogrpahy is taking away from your relationship and youre putting effort into pornography and not real life intimacy then its a problem and not a healthy expression of sexuality.
What a mess… careful who you marry.
He is awkward and I love it! It makes him so utterly endearing.
Girl leave him. This stress isn’t worth your time
Lol. Clearly it's not that simple for her.
That genie is never going back in the bottle in our society; how we assimilate it is yet to be determined. Maybe we can't successfully assimilate it, but it isn't going away and unlikely to become less prevalent.
It sounds like he needs to go to meetings and go through a period of celibacy. My heart goes out to this family.
Sexual addictions are almost impossible to stop. Just stop dating and marrying addicts. If you feel you can “save” them. Look into therapy for yourself.
In some cases that is true. But Jesus does heal. He’s the only thing that can
Giving your 9 year old son porn as a means to cope with the death of his mom makes equitable sense on what planet?
If someone was into cutting I would never tell them to invite someone to watch them to take the shame out of it. I found this advice to be very disingenuous. He hasn't stopped hiding what he does to self-soothe. No matter how excepting she is of it he will always hide it. He will be a slave to it until HE takes responsibility and chooses a sober life free from addiction. THERE ISN'T A MAGIC THING SHE CAN DO TO FIX HIS SHAME. such bad advice. Equates to make your alcoholic husband only drink with you and that will fix him.
True
@neverminding WOW! I was thinking the same thing. When John said she should join him, I was like "ARE YOU SERIOUS JOHN?" That's crazy! I could not believe what I was hearing. John is asking her to completely disregard her feelings towards what he is doing and so called "help him" DEAL with what is going on. Crazy crazy advice and your words could not be more true.
@@girlygirl1890 yes, ot would cause her shame and to lose herself. That was awful advice.
You're really equating cutting (self-harm) to masturbation (self-pleasure)?? Wow
@@wordsalad01 But those are 2 very different things. Self-harm is never healthy in any context. When John eluded to her "joining" him, that is something that many couples do and enjoy it. His "shame" is likely more tied to how she's been reacting to it vs how he actually feels about it.
He is probably only alive because of his wife and the wife is into the martyr/savior kinda of dynamic in a relationship. So in a sense, it's a perfect match, as long as the wife can save him and as long as he continues to have those problems at a level she can handle.
It’s why they never should’ve married in the first place. This is a very toxic dynamic
He has the right to “self soothe” until it drops off lol. But she has the right to know so she can leave if it’s not something she can handle. It’s against her values. Why put up with this compulsion? Porn is crack. The addiction is the problem. Who the hell wants to be with someone with an addiction? Yea that’s alot of fun. She’s not being controlling at all. She has every right to know about his addiction and leave the baby man who prefers pics to a real woman. Nah, go on dating sites, church socials whatever and find a real man and not a little boy wjo can’t stop touching his pee pee 😅
WORDDDDD! and AMEN! Men want a good woman but they are not good men?! Go be with a woman that has some kind of addiction, get a taste of your own medicine. Losers, home wreckers. God sees everything.
Alot of pride in that comment.
well is it enabling him to become better? bc if not then its not helping. ..could very well be causing issues....um read the bible...theres alot of good help there. or you can listen on youtube, people explain the bible bc it can be hard to read. for a man to control himself is a very strong man . men nowadays are very passive bc of porn watching. passivity is a womanly trait. @@SarahConnor562
@@SarahConnor562 I don’t think there is anything wrong with masturbation. Not against it in any way especially religiously. I think that what’s wrong is that if your partner/spouse etc is not in sync with being in a sexual relationship with someone who prefers self pleasure and porn over her she oughta find someone who doesn’t make her feel alone. If the partner feels rejected bc of it then there’s really no reason for a couple to stay together. He might be happy (doesn’t seem so though) but she’s obviously not so why not find someone with a similar sexual interest. The real thing is so much better for most people and this woman is not happy. Exit time
@SarahG16925
It's possible to masturbate without creepily watching filmed abuse of explorited young women who are very likely being trafficked and abused. Men who respect women and see them as fully human don't watch that filth. Dont conflate porn with masturbation. They're not the same thing
Love seeing all the armchair psychologists without any accreditation or experience telling an experienced PhD how to handle things.
She sent the police to his work to "make sure he was safe?" That could have easily gotten a lot of people canned. Losing their job always makes suicidal people feel much better 🙄
Most law enforcement have to check on the person that's suicidal. She would have no say on them going to his work.
@@rosec8101 and that's exactly why you shouldn't get law enforcement involved unless they make threats to harm others. Get them into therapy and be there for them. Don't call the cops on suicidal people. They seldom do anything to help and almost always make it worse.
As someone who was suicidal for years, I disagree. There is a difference between being "suicidal" in general and deciding to act on it... And when you decide to act on it, and someone you love knows, the most loving thing they can do is get the police involved. If a person is seriously attempting to kill themselves, it is our responsibility to try to save them. I am forever grateful that my husband got me help when I needed it--yes, the police--even though I didn't want it. As for the job... It would be discrimination to fire someone for mental health struggles. But even if they did... Being alive without a job is better than being dead. People can always find new jobs. But once dead, that's it. Thank God I am free from depression now. Never wanted to die again in 6 years. There is healing from chronic depression. Life can go on. We can recover. But not if we are dead.
@@kendrascorner I have also been suicidal many times in my life, and I know that any time I told anyone about it, it was usually a cry for help because I just needed someone to hear me out and tell me things were going to be okay. People who are actually going to unalive themselves seldom tell anyone. They just do it, and you don't really see it coming. I've had a family member and a good friend both do this. They told no one. Everyone else I know who has told people, or tried some half-assed attempt, were doing it for attention.
@@SarahConnor562 agreed. Red flag laws are bullshit. Unless they threaten to harm others (which is a crime) they shouldn't have their rights taken away from them. I believe it is a fundamental human right to unalive oneself.
9 years old! That’s a crime! I’m so sorry for this woman. He probably never gave up the pron to begin with. Nothing wrong with um a bit of self love but sounds like it’s a huge issue. Pls pls don’t marry into addiction. She sounds destroyed at this point and if she was my friend or family I would tell her to prepare and file. There’s also the risk of his pron escalating into something that can ruin ALL of their lives.
The mortgage industry not doing well right now!?? What? Y’all live under a rock? Oohh no she is a enabler!
did the first call have intimacy with the husband while the self soothing was going on ?
She knew what she was getting into. She shdnt have gotten into it. You can’t fix people with issues they drag you down with them.
Don’t blame people. Yeah she might of known that he used porn but she didn’t know how it would affect their marriage. Have a heart.
@@rebeccaoprea9917 she should have researched if she cared about herself. Porn guys are no good for anyone just like any other addict. They are not incontrol, something else is, anything can go wrong including terrible love life and constantly feeling not good enough plus they don’t really have anything to give because they are not themselves so job issues, intimacy issues , trust issues, commitment issues and so on. It’s a terrible marriage it’s not a marriage it’s hell.
i agree!@@rebeccaoprea9917
She did not know the extent. Neither did I. We were told in pre-marital counseling that marriage would fix his “minor porn problem”. It wasnt minor and he wasnt honest to how long and how much and why.
I was led to think it was something a little prayer and emotional intimacy would fix. I had no idea it would be the block to our emotional intimacy and cause me to be an object rather than him connecting to me his wife and him having problems with how women act in general. He loved the screen women who said what he wanted to hear and did everything he wanted without asking anything in return.
So that is what I got expected to do….Now I am tired, empty and longing for connection…and he still has yet to actually focus on the internal completely and thinks if we just do “new physical intimacy” without completing and I be sexy and say what he wants to hear instead of what he needs to hear but we never talk about our relationship or where we are going or how he is doing…
Yeah, that isnt always the woman’s fault.
Maybe I also got more healthy and his dysfunction got more noticeable as I refused to enable, coddle, ignore and assuage his sex addiction and the emotional damage it caused his psyche that he wont admit to.
@@Jaxmusicgal23 I am not blaming her I am just saying she got in knowing his issues. If they are too big she should ditch him not try to fix him. Same with you. If you were misled then tell him you misled me and made me believe prayer and intimacy would fix this. It’s much bigger so no thanks. I want intimacy and a normal relationship not this
He may be on the DL
Man this has to be one of the worst comment threads on here. Clueless guys who don't understand what sex addiction can do to relationship and judgmental women who don't understand where sex addiction (and any addiction) gets its fuel from - shame.
You could very well be right about the 'shame' part. They are reliving it. This behavior does stem from a low self-worth but it is LEARNED behavior. However, throwing a pity party for him is not going to help him or those devastated by his behavior.
So she knew he was into it & made him promise to change, then married him, & then had 3 kids with him. 😂😂😂
Obviously we don't have the whole story, but I"m curious how much of this is his actual depression and mental illness, and how much of this is his wife saying, "No porn or jerking off!" And setting the "allowed" amount of self-release to zero. Her crying because he's jerking off too much seams overbearing. However, it might also be that he goes into spirals and can't get out of bed for weeks at a crack. Need some more info to judge.
@@wordsalad01 she made it seem like porn is the problem. thats just a side effect of whatever is really going on
EXACTLY! She just doesn't want him rubbing one out every now and then.
OR he has a porn addiction, which can be devastating to an individual and their family. Downplaying any addiction is dangerous.
@@heav2582 no one is down playing an addiction, but if you pay attention to what she is saying, the porn is only a symptom of something bigger. Who cares about his porn addiction if he is having thoughts of suicide? What do you think is more important to address?
I am from Europe and wondering if this is american puritanism or something??? Masturbation can happen to men and women while being married.... Addiction to it is difficult though...
They are both addicts…she takes care of others more than herself.! She need to be working on herself vs hiding her traumas in her husbands as a cop out to do the work which what most enablers do! Helping others is there excuse! A person have to really ask themselves is this the life you wanna subject yourself to
I think Dr. John's advice is good. It is a little odd in a sense that his father introduced him to pornography (I mean yes and no given the dreadful circumstances of his childhood) but I do think her joining him and watching him will take the mystique or semi shame out of this whole thing. Dr. John gave alot of sound and nuanced advice, but I am just picking out that portion of what he discussed. This honestly wasn't an easy one to unpack. Dr. John is really good at the harder or tougher cases, not the basic issues that we all face (he is good at that as well, but he shines in really tramatic or dramatic cases due to his education and experience). I wouldn't have known how to give advice on this one in all candor. The husband at the end of the day sounds like a good man.
Thank you for saying masturbation in your own home is normal! 👏🏻Evidence based psychology!
It is not
Please, people, don’t marry someone who thinks masturbation is inherently pathological.
💯
Good grief. I understand having a boundary of not using porn material in your home and working through that, but to honestly consider ending your marriage over your husband self stimulating sometimes seems …. Wild.
Excessive if you ask me.
Nah until you see the damage that porn does to people you would understand. Plus it's evident that he has a porn addiction, so clearly he isn't using it in a safe manner
The way she made it sound he can't even masturbate to non porn. Wow. Called the cops on him and had guns removed and had cops sent to job this lady needs some real self reflection not aces scores.
@@papicholo5586yea but this dude can’t even polish the pewter in his own shower or his wife will fly into a hysteria and send the cops to his work.
Porn isn’t good. BUT if he is still a great father and husband, you gotta accept the man for what his is and pray for him to thrive and move away from those addictions-not attempt an exorcism every time he crosses your personally extreme line.
Imagine you keep trying to initiate sex with your wife. She keeps turning you down, saying it's not the right time, she's not in the mood, et cetera.
Later in the day, you walk in on her touching herself to a porn video.
"Oh," you think,"It wasn't that she wasn't horny. She just didn't want ex with me." It stings.
Now pretend this happens 5 times a week, for however many months or years.
That's life with a porn addict. It can get pretty bad. It's not just casually once a week.
I feel bad for her and him but she was INSANE to ever marry him in the first place with all of his untreated baggage.
So she thinks he’s just masturbating without porn? Is this the 1800’s?
It's possible. But it seems unlikely
It's very possible. For many porn-addicts in recovery, rubbing one out is just for the stimulation. Porn is a slippery slope and if you've been clean for a while, some would rather 'rub one out' then spiral into porn all over again.
You don't need porn to masturbate. That's addict talk to say you need the porn. You need food and water, you don't need porn.
@@BassBwoy3there is no room for either activities in a marriage
@@Ratz_ow Wrong. Porn is evil but wanking it alone is fine for man and woman as long as no one is missing out.
Big John is awesome
More importantly, can your mom be saved?
is daily masturbation ok or is it a problem ?
I grew up in a house where there were playboys all over the place. My parents were very relaxed about it and didn’t think it was a big deal, including my mom. I’ve always had porn in my life to some extent and it can affect me negatively mainly bc my gf hates it. I don’t see a way that I’ll be able to completely quit it but she can’t get over it. It sucks.
You have already identified your Problem. Your Parents were the problem. What you were put through is a form of Child Abuse whether you understand it or not or accept it or not. Sorry there was one to show you a better path. However, please don't try to NORMALIZE unhealthy patterns of behavior for others by making it sound like it was 'no big deal'. If some families like to poop on the bathroom floor that doesn't mean others should follow and adopt the practice. Even grown ups don't need to go near the psychological filth that porn is let alone children.
How can you set a boundary for someone else’s body/feelings/urges? Makes no sense 12:10
It makes perfect sense. You expect your partner to be faithful. You expect them to not succumb to lustful urges towards others. That’s a boundary. Similarly here.
I fail to see the problem so far, other than the suicidal thoughts. Unless he's really into some weird stuff
It's possible to masturbate without creepily watching filmed abuse of explorited young women who are very likely being trafficked and abused. Men who respect women and see them as fully human don't watch that filth. Dont conflate porn with masturbation. They're not the same thing. Her husband is a pathetic little creep, just like the rest of these 'men' who are addicted to watching other have have sex
Porn sick
Porn is the problem
Join him I mean join him join him help him out. The way she said it was like mom staring at him in the corner with nose up
Well, what's he looking at? Is it creepy and weird?
A man hunched over the computer salivating and vigorously playing with himself is one of the most desperate pathetic images out there. Why would she want to join him?
oh yeah walking into the love of my life getting off to other women is definitely an image that will turn a strictly monogamous woman on! (not) that is actually a disgusting image. Why in a committed relationship would he need to go to other women to get off? wtf? go to your damn wife
Most of these calls seem like married women calling to get John to validate them that their marriage problems aren’t their fault and instead are on the husband. Seems like the vast majority of the calls lately.
I think they want that for the push to leave. I think if they feel like it's all the partner's fault then it's easier to leave him and not feel bad.
And more women watch the show I'm sure
"My husband jerks off im such a failure😭"
This show is so dramatic
Here first
Ok...and? Who are you telling? Why?
@@PrimateProductionsI'm gonna go ahead and let you know that I've got a giant wang
Geez lady, he’s allowed to self pleasure.
Nope. Pleasure sends you to hell. Read a bible and wear a chastity belt.
I’m 28 and a 100% a sex addict. My girlfriend is 23 and pretty much the same. She is so attracted to me we have sex 3-4 times a day. If you’re a guy like this you need to find a a woman that thinks you’re hot as hell and wants you all the time. You’ll avoid situations like this LOL
You’re frying your dopamine receptors and ruining your life without realising. Your poor girlfriend
@@VV-er3zg based on your anti sex comment history I’m guessing you do not have a healthy life sexually or financially and are miserable. Try not to ruin it for the rest of us normal people
Snore
Join him?? Hhhmmm
Get off the meds!
The first problem this guy has is his wife. She is the one shaming him in order to solve her own issues.
Life would be a lot simpler for both this woman and her man if she just let this guy take care of himself. I feel like women really just don’t understand how much men think about sx. I think “taking care of himself” is healthy, not only for the prostate but for the mind.
Look up the effects of pornography and masturbation on the brain, it can be very harmful to one's self and your relationships with others.
It's clear here that it's not the sexual release that he's needing, but a coping mechanism for things that have happened in his past. We can't honestly say here that just letting him have at it whenever he wants is healthy or a good way of dealing with things.
Also, he made a commitment to be with this woman and part of that to have sex with her in a way that's pleasing for both of them.
@@nr7701 I don’t need to look up the effects of it, I’m living it. And that portion of my life is all good. 😂
@gardieldGG
It's possible to masturbate without creepily watching filmed abuse of explorited young women who are very likely being trafficked and abused. Men who respect women and see them as fully human don't watch that filth. Dont conflate porn with masturbation. They're not the same thing. Her husband is a pathetic little creep, just like the rest of these 'men' who are addicted to watching other men have sex with women who would never touch them in real life. Gross.
@@nr7701 The only places you will find that comment about masturbation being bad for the brain are on religious nut jobs sites. There is zero real data that supports your claim and mountains of data that invalidates it.
@@garfieldGGAll porn addicts say the same thing. There's countless of women on online forums complaining about their porn addicted husbands... what a nightmare and a bore (these men are in bed). I read way too many just after researching the effects it causes on the brain, depressing thing. Porn addicts should just stay single and handle business like they do alone lol
She should try a boudoir shoot for herself to gift him ❤
This cannot be real advice. You cannot be that dense. That’s like giving someone with a Heroin addiction an aspirin 😂
@annaelisavettavonnedozza9607 he seeks stimulation, why can't it be the one he's committed to
@@annaelisavettavonnedozza9607not really. she's the wife right? he's allowed to be sexual with his wife right?
@@og666true but until he finds healing it’s a terrible idea
@@stephaniekilpatrick1028The solution for someone stuck in quicksand is not to drag another person into it. You then have not 1 but 2 people stuck in the quicksand. She is under no obligation to be part of his SIN. That's on him. Just because a spouse is a heroine addict or a bank robber does not mean you have to join in to 'increase their pleasure'. Same wisdom apply here.
Thanks John for not shaming masterbation like some christians do. I think the wife has puritanical sex hang ups. Though I'm sure her husband trauma is a lot for her to deal with.
If this is the biggest problem in their marriage, then this lady should thank her lucky stars. Watching porn on occassion isn't being a sex addict. The two are different things.
She set specific boundaries prior, and he broke them. That is a problem.
@@fairlyenjoyable You're right. Couples should decide their boundaries together. When 1 spouse sets the boundaries you can almost guarantee there's gonna be a problem.
@SarahG16925 It's not unreasonable to not want your partner to go on sites and watch other people do sexual activities while pleasuring yourself to it.
@@fairlyenjoyableboundaries are a mutual discussion. if my wife just set a "boundary" like this and left it at that it'd be broken quickly and openly. unless he's sinking hours a day into porn or shirking his responsibilities there's no problem here. she seems mad overbearing
@og666 Of course they are a mutual discussion, which is what happened here. She doesn't seem overbearing to me at all; she sounds hurt that boundaries were broken.
Its just masturbation, why is she trying to divorce him over it? and making him feel bad to the point of suicide? are they mormons or something?
No they are morons but close.
Its not just masturbation, it's the pornography. Obviously if he's been at this since a young age, his porn tastes have most likely escalated to some extreme material. That is going to destroy his ability to have a genuine intimate relationship with his wife.
@@blacksquid270 But she did not say any of that, you are just assuming.
Willing to bet she cut him off years ago, so instead of cheating, he takes care of it this way. The lesson? Cheat, my dudes. If she cuts you off, it’s not cheating.
Wow. Your parents have seriously failed you
Of all of the unhealthy coping mechanisms a man could have, this is by far one of the most benign. He could have been into anything: hard drugs, alcohol, prostitutes, gambling, you name it. Maybe he's suicidal because he doesn't want to leave his marriage, but at the same time he can't have an honest conversation with his prude wife who is obviously clueless about human sexuality.
Found the porn addict 🤢
Porn is absolutely not benign. It has the same affect on the brain that cocain does
Is it really that bad that he watches porn as an adult 😂
Is this a serious question?
First of all, its not normal for a married man to be watching porn. Second, he is heavily addicted to it and needs it to cope with pain. Normal sexual intimacy is not enough anymore. For people like that, the porn has to be more and more hard core to be able to hit the spot. Chances are what he watches is pretty extreme by now.
Yep
@@SarahConnor562Interesting that you think it’s just another women wanting to control, while on this very show and many others, men call and/write in discussing their p*rn addictions and how it is/has ruining their lives.
Porn addiction is definitely “bad”.
Porn isn't cheating. This lady needs to get over it.
My dad saw his best friend get killed right in front of him during Vietnam and complained less (never).
That's what your dad did. But what do you do?
These pearl clutching women will destroy your life.
This guy is knee deep in a pornography addiction that is wreaking havoc on their intimacy, so it is a major problem. Its completely selfish to dismiss her concerns as of she's crazy.
Porn may not be exactly the same as sleeping with another woman. But there is no room for it in a marriage
Sounds like a her problem. Not putting out, but shaming him for taking care of it. Get a divorce, dude.
If a guys porn addiction is wreaking havoc on the intimacy in that marriage then it is a problem. If he prefers the computer screen to real life contact with a woman then yeah he should divorce and be single.
Wow. Your parents have seriously failed you
my hot take is you should just let him look at prn, and join him.
men and women are vastly different when it comes to arousal --- women are all about the 'story' or 'action' of their partner (see them pick up something heavy, etc), men at 100% about the visual stimulation (see boobs or a butt - that's all it takes). For Barb to draw such a line against prn, especially because it is obviously of such great importance to their partner --- I think she's doomed to constant rejection and he's doomed to misery and shame. Looking at boobs isn't going to make him love you any less, and you're fighting the tide; your attempts to control him in this way in order to protect your own ego and emotions, is only going to end up hurting the relationship in a major way. Also fostering honesty and a place of understanding is super important.... if they feel like they need to lie to you for this, you're just engraining the fact that you need to lie... imagine what this will turn into when he starts cheating.
I think you need to let them do what they need to do, and it literally hurts nobody but your ego.
Thats a terrible take, you sound like an addict. If this guy has been watching for years, I doubt the content he's viewing is vanilla. That is going to destroy his ability to have a genuine intimate relationship with his wife. The neuroscience is clear on the negative impact pornography has on the reward centers of the brain and the prefrontal cortex. This woman is right to be deeply concerned.
You are beyond delusional. Your parents have failed you. There is no room for porn of any kind in a marriage
Gross.
She is under no obligation to be part of his SIN. That's on him. Just because a spouse is a heroine addict or a bank robber does not mean you have to join in to 'increase their pleasure'. Same wisdom apply here. And this is PRECISELY how Evil spreads i.e. when those refuse to correct their behavior try to NORMALIZE it.
She prob refuses to go to the gym or do anything. Poor guy, poor her. Marriage doesn’t mean said person has to be forever attracted to you no matter what you do with yourself.
Clearly you do not understand what's behind sexual addiction. This has nothing to do with whether he's attracted to her. It's about the ability to be intimate and connect with his partner and his depression.
So when he was having severe porn addiction as a child and teenager is because his future wife will not go the gym? Are you a fool? 😂😂
Yes we know what people do when watching porn. Did she bother to get a catwoman or wonderwomam suit? Modern solutions for modern problems.
Keeping trauma scores is such a first world country copel... victimhood is gold
No way she is a serious person lmao.
She isn’t being completely honest and John shouldn’t be talking to a married woman by herself
He shouldn't be talking to a married woman by herself? Do you think it's okay for him to talk to married men by themselves? What century do you live in?
@@brbsnortingcatnip that is right, thanks for clarifying what I already said. I am not a godless atheist, I believe God created an order to life. God over Christ, Christ over man, man over woman, woman over children. I don't hate you for not believing in God, or that you think it is ok that a married woman should talk to another man she isn't married to about her marriage, I don't hate you for thinking that, you can believe what you want. been married 15 years, have homeschooled all of my children, I work, my wife stays home and homeschools and takes care of the home, and it works for us
@@truthreigns3465I am a Christian. And I don’t see an issue with her talking to him. It’s not in private. Thousands of people are a part of the conversation. And this is what he does